The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #51 Sleepy Terrorist

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

Between you and Nikki she is back in Los Angeles and finding hacks for a creeping bad mood. Andrew appears to have had a rough night so Nikki picks him up by remind him about the preponderance of being a co-host on this show. You Heard it Here First! Make up has all sorts of chemicals, they all reveal what songs keep them up at night and a hot public display of affection definitely has Nikki caring. In the Collection of Co'uhls, Besties come thru with some hilarious submissions and Nikki reveals the ultimate co'uhl kryptonite. For the Final Thought they reminisce on meeting Liev Schreiber in the street and that possibly being the worst day of his life. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts people my people what's up this is quest Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.

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What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys. How's it going? Happy, is it two? Wait, Wednesday. It's Wednesday. Okay, God.

Oh, my God. This week is crawling and flying by at the same time. I am in Los Angeles. I flew here last night, or yesterday, I should say. I'm in my hotel room. Beautiful hotel. Getting put up by doing three shows while I'm here in LA. And I have such a good team of people that really help manage my life because they got

all these hotel nights paid for by different shows I'm doing out here. I forget which shows I'm doing. I'm doing Bill Maher on Friday. I know that. I'm so excited about that. Couldn't feel better about it. Like not even worried, not even on my mind, just gonna be fun, you know, finally got to a place with that. And then on Saturday, I'm doing some interview about sex. They just are making some kind of show, a sex show. I forget which network it's for. And then on Tuesday, I'm doing a really fun, oh my god, the lights just went out in my room. I don't know if that's a power outage or, wait a second, no, my computer's still charging. So, oh, wait not wait yes nope it's just my room who knows what just happened I think the room suspects that I'm not here um because it

just knows that I'm elsewhere I'm with my besties right now and it suspects that there's no activity so all the lights just went off although I love this hotel room because you hit us it has you know when you go to a new hotel room and I don't mean to be like everyone goes to hotel rooms so everyone must know this but in some of these like I guess fancier hotel rooms or even regular ones you literally like don't know where the lights are and how to turn off certain things there was one light in this uh in my hotel at the um in Cayman Islands there was a light above this picture of birds which i liked the picture a lot but it was like you know a light that they put above a picture so you can

like see the picture better you know it's like a long light that hangs above it and it would not fucking turn off i didn't know any switch for it so i just draped it in a shirt a black shirt and then i left it there uh hanging over that so that because I couldn't turn it off and um and this this room though has the best thing where it's on the wall and the light switch says like turn them all on bedside table reading light and you just press it and you just like get to go to bed I didn't even have to wear an eye mask last night because this place knows what they're doing with light uh shout out to this hotel that I probably not going to name drop. My parents are staying here too. I had this weird thing when I woke up this morning where I was like,

I thought about my parents being in town because I'm flying them out here because their Greece trip was canceled. I like to have friends and family with me when I do big fun things um so Friday I'm doing Bill Maher of course because I've said that 18 times already but um my parents love Bill Maher like for instance I might say this on the show so I'm sorry if you guys are getting a little sneak peek-a-roo but my dad when I did a lie detector test with him on my tv show Not Safe if you've never seen it you really gotta got to go watch it. It's one of the funniest things I've ever done. And it's so uncomfortable for me to watch because I asked my parents all these sex questions

with a lie detector. And oh my God, when we pitched that idea, it was like, this will be so fun. I'll fly my parents and they'll be on the show. I remember it. And we're like thinking of questions to ask them. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And then you sit across from your dad and you have to say dad have you ever heard me have sex and then your dad says yes and you have to just that is the most disturbing thing to me in the world even though I'm someone who would have accepted twenty thousand dollars to have an old

man watch me and my husband have sex that old man is not my dad and he is not I don't even want my dad to know that that transaction went you know like I don't as much as I'm someone who rubs sexuality in everyone's face and people are sometimes like too much information I think there's a shorter way to say too much information but I'm not gonna look into it it's just gonna take too much time uh but I was so uncomfortable with that question of all the ones even asking them if they've had anal sex Not as bad as asking if they've heard me have sex which a lot of people have because I am loud Even when I don't know that i'm being loud I honestly think that andrew heard my vibrators the other day. It was so disturbing He got home and I was trying to muffle them with um

comforters and like soundproof I need to soundproof my my vagina or like I need to have like a oh my god that's a really good idea like a soundproof globe almost like a planetarium type thing that has an outlet for your legs and then it encapsulates your lower part in a soundproof thing so that all the buzzing noises don't um alert your roommate who is just trying to go uh buy more golf clothes and walk by your door um but i woke up this morning being like like i'm treating my parents to this i'm i'm flying them out here i'm putting them up at a nice hotel the same one i'm staying at just to make it easy there's also they're going to oh so for that lie detector test the the test question to ask usually when you do a lie detector

test and by the way the ones you see on tv are kind of fake and I have to be honest about the guy that we had like it was all a real system but he was kind of bullshit he was more like of an actor so I don't know if the questions were real but my parents were just honest so there was really no need for the lie detector it just created an air of like being honest which is what's most interesting about that segment that guy had to ask test questions to see if the lie detector worked which is usually like if i were to ask noah i'd be like noah are you in arizona and you would say you know yes we know that you are noah do you identify as a female you would say i'm not sure you know all the things no we would say yes we'm not sure. You know, all the things. No, we would say yes and we would go.

I mean, there are times where I'm like, oh my God, I have another story to tell after this. Really quick. I'm going to, this might need to be one that you put on half speed because I am jazzed up. I've had one and a half lattes. I've gotten so much done this morning in terms of just like improving my mood

because I woke up in a sour mood. I was, yesterday I was in a bad fucking mood all day. And listen, I like had to take my own advice. So anyway, the question that they asked my dad to set up the lie detector, cause I was just thinking of funny ones that were like obvious answers to me. And I go, dad, do you love Bill Maher?

And he goes, yes, very much. And like that was to calibrate it because it's so up, my dad loves Bill Maher. Love he goes, yes, very much. And like that was to calibrate it because it's so up. My dad loves Bill Maher. Love, love, love, love, love. It's the reason I love Bill Maher so much too, because my dad's introduced me to so many people that I love and thought thinkers. Sam Harris, my dad introduced me to Conan O'Brien, who I gave an interview about yesterday that I told you about. And then Bill Maher like they're my favorite people because uh no matter how much how you feel about Bill Maher uh I think he does he's he has a lot of great things to say and I'm even wanting to talk to him about religion because um as much as he hates religion and um and so do I like organized religion I am spiritual which I

never thought I would really be. And I do believe in a God. And I think that that's an interesting subject to get into with him, even though I don't know. I mean, I have some jokes around it. So I hope I hope we get into that. But it's only five minute segment. And it's there's so much to say.

So I'm flying my parents out. But I woke up this morning like yesterday was hard. I flew at five o'clock to, I got some like disturbing, exciting, thrilling news that had me have a pit of like, uh, just like a heaviness in my stomach. And then like, also exhilarated me. It was all these mixed feelings. So I think I was like having a hangover from that. And I won't tell you the details until I write a book about it someday but if you come see me on tour this summer and fall winter just go to my bio for tickets you guys I'm gonna you know I share everything with you besties but I'm gonna share things in these theaters that like I wish I would have named the tour this doesn't leave this room because I'm gonna trust my fans to not record and like I'm gonna I'll tell you all the stuff about this like this thing that I'm going through anyway um

for another time anyway so I was feeling the highs and lows of this news because it truly is like every uh part of the spectrum for this news that I got and I was feeling jazz feeling sad feeling weird whatever so I get on the plane and I'm like listening to music to help me process the motions I fall asleep it's great five o'clock flight it was delayed thank god because I was took too long to pack and I was running late and I thought of just pushing my flight to tomorrow to today because there's no reason I really need to be in LA today I'm doing a fitting later on but that could have been pushed because I'm doing Bill Maher on Friday I have tons of time but I like to like settle in before a big appearance especially one that I was so nervous about like Bill Maher now I could

have flown in day off and just been like what up Bill I'm confident I'm ready to go but um I got on the plane fell asleep my noise canceling airpods it, you guys, anyone out there that has AirPods, and I just switched the little rubber things at the end because my ear holes are so cavernous that they always fall out with the medium ones. So I got the big ones in. So they really plug them up now. You put on the noise canceling, you can't hear fucking anything.

The fucking pilot was droning on and on about like the wind speed. No one cares about wind speed has anyone ever been like oh good like that's nice that the winds are seven seventy seven seventy is too strong for a wind 30 miles per hour in the northeast direction like pilots love to hear themselves talk i put on that noise i go why can i hear the pilot i feel like i can hear him too much oh the noise canceling was off i put it on and he disappeared this loud noise disappeared I'm sitting next to a woman who I absolutely loved she was a bigger woman let me just say that it was a southwest flight I got a window seat because I

had a plus preferred whatever uh you know even though southwest is a socialist flight where everyone's equal you can buy a through one ten you can you can buy a spot in the in the top but the same thing is you get all the same seating options. Pick a window, love a window. This woman must have had a C49, you know, or a D, you know, boarding card number thing. She gets on, she's a middle seat because there's already an aisle one next to me.

And she's a bigger lady who fills up the whole, her whole seat and a little bit of mine and probably a little bit of the one woman next to her on the aisle, which if you know Nikki Glaser, come on in. Anyone who's fat, obese, anything, you sit next to me and I will love it. I will never make you feel bad about it. I will never do a weird sigh that people do. People are disgusting i mean i talked about it yesterday with customer service shout out to everyone who wrote me about feeling seen and being an employee and having to deal with covid idiots last year and still continuing to deal with it and being triggered by seeing noses even though noses are kind of okay now and you're kind of it customers

are terrible people are terrible when you hear the stories of fat people on planes i've heard them and it's grotesque so if you are someone who doesn't want to be like that where you always encourage fat people to sit next to you on planes they don't want to be inconvenient to do to you they're not trying to be fat and make your life hell be nice to them so this woman sits next to me and her like side of her thigh is like touching mine. It felt great. Honestly, bring it in. I want more thigh up in my seat. I don't want Andrew like doing my arm rest too much because sometimes he gets, I don't want to touch Andrew.

But this woman was just such a, I could just, by touching my thigh to hers, I felt like this, I was also kind of horny yesterday on this flight because this news that I got kind of made me horny too. I don't want to say that I got like this, I was also kind of horny yesterday on this flight because this news that I got kind of made me horny too. I don't want to say that I got like aroused, but like I got a little aroused by the human touch from this woman. I wasn't going to do anything about it, anything gross, but I couldn't help but feel like comforted, aroused, love the human touch, love a fat person next to me on a flight, always sit

next to me and I will never make you feel shamed. I love you so much so this woman sits next to me i wake up two hours later because i hear um i feel that we're landing you know that i feel a slight shift i've gone enough flights that i just it wakes me up so i wake up and i look out the window and i'm like this does not look like la but what do i know and i go wow it feels like that was like i didn't because when i'm sleeping on a flight i'm like half sleeping Also, I had to go pee so bad and like fart and like my stomach hurt So it was sleep where you have to pee so it's half sleep So I woke up I look out the window. I'm so confused. I pull up the map on southwest on my phone

I didn't download the wi-fi because I was already asleep and I pulled the map and we are Seemingly off course in texas like and it's only two hours this is a four-hour flight i'm like what the fuck is going on i think we're honestly being hijacked and like no one knows because no one seems alarmed and we're landing in 10 minutes that's what he said i go how are we landing in 10 minutes we've only been there two hours i'm so confused i start feverishly texting my assistant being like you fucked me like i was so mean i was like how i did not know there was a connection I now it's saying that my flight doesn't leave until 10 30 from Dallas why would I have a connection I'm

I wouldn't have even taken this flight I want to fly home but my bags are checked I was like freaking out she's looking up being like I thought it was a direct what's going on suddenly I say I go let me just ask so I say to the woman next to me is there like a change that's happened she goes oh yeah there's a um a medical emergency on the flight and we're landing in Dallas and we're just gonna refuel and go back up and I was like oh okay and then I wrote an apology to my assistant I didn't I didn't cuss her out or anything but it was like why would this have happened you know that I don't like this don't ever do this it was like me being a brusque bitch I apologized and was like I am so sorry to alarm you and to have talked to

you I didn't say talk to you that way because it wasn't bad but I was just you know so then we land in Dallas I was just like uncomfortable and like on this flight and then I have to do a set when I land at uh supernova so I land at 9 30 we're supposed to get in at 7 I do not want to do this set I cancel it people write to me being like oh my god like I posted I'm not going to be there people are sending me videos from the crowd being like we're here for you I sent them back a video from the back of my car taking me to my from the airport and I go is this good enough like I'm sending you a personal video like I'm so sorry I will make it up to you they also offered people who came to see me at that show free tickets to a future show. And so

that was really nice. And the Booker was super nice. Thank you, Mark Saratala, for not making me feel bad. I didn't lie. I didn't say I felt sick. I said, I just am not in the mood to do stand-up comedy tonight. And it's not going to be a good set. So I went home and I ordered some Thai food. And I turned on the TV. And my episode of To Tell the Truth was on on tv and it was so fun to watch me um because i was just uh i i was just watching myself be so fun and and have a good time i gotta speed this up but let me just tell you i woke up in a bad mood today because i went to bad bed last night i was a little depressed i think my period's coming i get i get like pmdd look into it if you get really depressed before your period like wildly so i was having like what's it all I was having depressed thoughts, the like suicidal kind of ideations.

Not suicidal, but like not as bad as it gets for me, but like the glimmers. And I was like, fuck. Woke up this morning, still felt that way. Popped my ADD med that makes me not feel that way before I woke up. Set my alarm clock for a half hour before I went to wake up. Popped that little thing. Woke up, still feeling a little off went to go get my coffee decided like Nikki you need to listen to your own advice and like if if one of

your besties woke up feeling sad I really think about you guys like if one of you woke up feeling like trash like the world sucks all my clothes are disgusting I need all like I need to do my hair I should get Botox all these thoughts that were flying through my head I decided to do my hair. I should get Botox. All these thoughts that were flying through my head. I decided to pull up the Waking Up app and listen to a lesson about, not a meditation, but that's where I meditate with, guided meditation, but they also have lessons on there.

And I pulled up a lesson about the meaning of life and gratitude. And I'm listening to it and I'm like, this ain't it, bitch. I can't do this. I'm walking to Starbucks and I go, you know what? I was on an interview yesterday about Conan and I said that whenever I'm in a bad mood, I put on Conan and he makes me laugh,

which was true and not true. The truth of that is I never put him on when I'm in a bad mood. He just always makes me in a good mood if I happen to a better mood. So I put on Conan interviewing Obama and I fucking laughed so hard. It's a great interview. I'm only 15 minutes in. There is a story about Justin Bieber at the top of it. That is so funny. You guys got to listen to it. And he also is so funny talking to his co-hosts about why they didn't get to come interview with Obama.

It's so, you guys, I'm serious. First 10 minutes, 15 minutes of Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Obama is so good. Let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way

in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early,

well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community,

and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen,

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like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning.

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Andrew. Good morning. Good morning. Well, that was a delay. Are you, is that like from internet or from the fact that you look like you literally just crawled out of bed? You look like that sleepy terrorist that got woken up. I forget his name.

You just have been sleepy terrorists in Google image. It's the first one that comes up. And what have you done today? What's your shower? I've, I worked out this morning at 8 a.m i worked out i i ate oatmeal with protein i've showered i put lotion on my face click on the first one i literally andrew will you please do an impression please so i can get just no no no the other way lean the other way there you go like that pull your shirt down a little bit look just a

little bit more that's so perfect look a little bit more like one eye look um look up a little bit just up a little bit yeah uh down uh yep perfect and uh just sneer a little bit with your mouth on the left side up sne? Senior, up? Okay. I can't wait to post it. Andrew, are you okay today? You look a little, are you, how's it going? How'd you sleep last night? No, things are good. Things are good.

I'm just, I'm dealing with the mom stuff of getting the room organized and she's here. My mom, you don't have to be okay with it wait what's going on why is my so my mom is designing our studio you guys she's doing her and her friend debbie who she works with are i don't think you have to whisper i have headphones on i know you don't have to whisper at all because my mom is not trying to listen to what you've got going on my mom would never read my diaries she's never someone who's like sneakily trying to figure out what's going on behind closed doors i honestly would leave diaries out for her to like read and feel my pain and she would be like too respectful of them i'd be like i need help i'm depressed i wish my mom would get me help and i'd like leave it on

the dryer open um and she still would be like i respected your privacy i'm like i highlighted your name so you'd see it. Andrew, what's stressing you out? No, it's okay. Tell me a mom thing. Please, come on. Let's talk some shit. She's just... What did she ask you for?

She does this thing where I'll try to... By the way, is my mic okay? Yeah, dude. Your mic's great. Okay. Okay. So, you know your mother. She does this thing where I'll go...

This is ASMR, mom. I'll go you know the table like this like before I even get done with my sentence and like by my third word yeah a little bit I think it's triggering because it's me unchecked dude it's me without like working on myself

I think that's it and it's like I have good ideas because like I you know I do this And it's just like She just jumps at everything Okay well you can just tell her Julie I do this for a living

I I actually get to decide things over you Because I'm the co-host of this show And just tell her Bitch Please Stay in your lane Don't say that to her She does not like to be called a bitch I want The only thing Just tell her, bitch, please. Stay in your lane.

Don't say that to her. She does not like to be called a bitch. The only thing, if I call my mom a bitch, it seriously is the worst. I could call her anything else. When have you done it? Oh my God, when I was a kid, when I'd be really mad, because she would be a bitch.

Because I can be a bitch too. Let me just say, if my mom's listening, she'll go, Nikki said I was a bitch. What if people hear that I'm a bitch? Everyone's a bitch. bitches you just get in a bad mood you know and you're just saying mean things because you can't control your emotions so my mom can be a bitch and I've been like mom you are being such a bitch and if you said that I mean it is there's no coming back from that and my mom will just it just makes her lose her mind you just don't call her that it's like um someone just someone said recently or not recently a long time ago about a comedian who i like really respected they were like you don't call that

person crazy because it happened one time in a writer's room and that person uh that's the one thing you don't call that person you and then someone goes you don't call a crazy person crazy so don't call a crazy person crazy or a man not gonna say a woman seems oh well you've heard a lot that if like don't call me crazy don't call what else did what else do women get mad when guys go you're being hysterical you're being uh yeah emotional it's like you know what i watched a hannah gaddsby clip yesterday i think it was from uh nanette but she's talking about how women are hormonal and like you know that's a thing but men have hormones too people forget that like men have hormones and that's one of the reasons my dad is like changing with old age i've read a lot about it men when they get older their uh testosterone plummets and thus they're they have no way of kind of masking the

feminine kind of progesterone i guess i don't know if they have progesterone whatever the they don't have as much testosterone to keep it inside and so they get fucked up dude because they're feeling all these feelings that they've never felt before because of their hormones so men have hormones too um and men make whores probably the older you get and the less it's harder to get you know uh it's harder to get hard or harder to have an orgasm and you become invisible your penis kind of turns into a vagina because it's just like a dead skin kind of thing yeah well i think i do remember my dad is a good looking man and he once said to me i remember where we were and he was like i remember the day i became like invisible to women where it was like i would see a cute girl and like you know

you always clock each other two attractive people clock each other no matter what you know like in a relationship i think i found that out today when i've showered and tried to look my best but i look like a dead saddam hussein no it's not whatever that guy was his name is khalid shaikh muhammad yes you look like Khalid Shaikh Muhammad I probably look more like Saddam after he's been shot no you look great I love your haircut

you just look your vibe before we started the show was like confused and stressed and like but it's all because you

had to interact with my mom you could have just said your mom's here Nikki and I would have been like oh my god Andrew if you need to take some time do you want to meditate for 20 minutes

it's a lot I'd rather seal I'd rather seal team 6 break down the wall let me just say though I've been like, oh my God, Andrew, if you need to take some time, do you want to meditate for 20 minutes? I'd rather seal team six, break down the wall. Let me just say though, how great is my mom though? No, I love her. I'm just busting balls. I know. But my mom truly, the things that make my mom hard to be around are also the things that make her just so special. And I'm so excited to have them come out here. So they're flying out here tomorrow, Andrew.

And I woke up this morning in a bad mood. And I did one of my things. I do this to you often too, where I'm very generous with my money. I think most of the time, I don't even think of it as that like, I'm getting this for you. You need to thank me and you owe me.

I try never to have that kind of mindset. But sometimes I realize the money like money sometimes just like dawns on me like this is a lot of money it's like wait what am I doing and so I blindly put my parents up in the same hotel that I'm staying at and then I like this morning I was like I have to find a cheaper one this place is too nice like they don't like it was just like wanting to control and so I looked up all these hotels and then I wrote my assistant I was like how much is it a night at this hotel for my parents and she's like 520 I think which is a lot but it's a nice hotel and my parents deserve nice things and I'm looking at other hotels I found one for 200 that's like has great reviews looks super chic right in the same neighborhood maybe it's a

little more far away from me so I go oh I'm gonna get that then I start reading reviews and they were like this place sucks and I was like you know you know what? What am I doing? Am I going to miss that $300 extra per night on my deathbed? If I will miss that $900 that I spent, then what a weird life that I've lived. So I'm just going to just stand by it. But it's weird how my depression goes into that. It's my depression. Is it a money issue or a deserving issue? No, it's not deserving.

I didn't mean to say deserving. I just like my parents. It wasn't deserving because this place is nice, but I think you can get nicer for cheaper. And the mom part of me that always wants a deal and doesn't like to pay overpriced things in retail got in my head and was like, you are being reckless with your money. You need to control it you haven't started making money you might be going on tour right now and what if and yesterday heather mcmahon chelsea handler and uh natasha leggero and whitney cummings all announced their tours their tours looked like they had splashy videos and better posters and yours isn't good enough

your people aren't going to come they're going to come to your tour and they're going to buy a ticket and then you're not going to do a good job because you don't know really exactly what material you're doing yet even though you never know and it's always worked out nikki so why are you freaking out now i'm feeling like they're going to come to the tour they're going to hate it then they're never going to buy a ticket again then i'm going to be poor then i'm going to regret the 900 i spent and it just becomes this like and it's going to it's just and then i walk to starbucks and i put on the conan o'brien interviewing obama uh podcast and it's made me laugh so hard my my meds kicked in and now i'm

like so grateful i came back and i'm just like in the best mood and thank god for medication fucking thank god for it if you are someone out there that uh is struggling please do not hesitate to ask for help in the form of meds because god damn it they've saved my life i guess what you know you've given me this uh kind of advice next time just like wait till the meds like you got to write down like oh these are thoughts i do i woke up i woke up 30 minutes just got to remember that these are thoughts before you've done the right things to take care of yourself. So let's give it 30 minutes.

I did. And that's why I didn't say cancel the rooms. I just go, how much are the rooms? If I cancel them now, do I have to pay anything? And she said, no, you can cancel them today. What other hotels are you looking at? Then I researched and then I go, what am I doing? And then I was able to go, that was a weird thought. I'm sorry to even make you look that up to my assistant and then we were

fine you know what you should do and then i go to my assistant i go how are you what's going on in your life put them in put them in hotel cecil oh my god hilarious i go mom there's a swimming pool on the roof there's only one way to get in it's a tiny hole you got to climb a ladder but it's really a luxurious pool inside uh and don't forget to take your meds before you go swimming if you tell her it's 40 grand a night and jfk stayed there she'd be like i swear to god look how all these dead bodies are so cool my sister and i want it you're so right about that andrew if you tell my mom something costs a lot or you put a fake label on it like i could take a shirt from target 2003 that's like been through 18 washes 18 000 washes like i got at goodwill and i put a label on it

that says uh what's what alice and olivia like something that you wouldn't they don't even make quality clothing my mom just like thinks she'll go this was 300 in 2017 i got a deal and it's like no my sister and i want to mislabel things so bad the same way my dad is my dad if me and my sister make any food my dad will praise it like we are uh you know emerald legasi like literally anything i pour chips on a plate and my dad's like these are the best goddamn chips i've ever had where'd you get these and my mom meanwhile is standing next to him having slaved over like a whole meal with all the different courses and he'll be like i just like my i'm sorry julie i just i like it warm this wasn't this is cold and it's not good so you think i should lie to you so my sister and i want my mom and i wanted to come

up with a plan where we buy a trader because my mom bought him an aldi meal you know aldi the grocery store my mom loves aldi because it's discount or it's like cheaper and she bought him all these aldi frozen meals when she was going out of town once and he was like i'm not eating that crap that's disgusting and he's like he likes his trader joe joe's frozen meals and when he buys them he feels like he's cooking and he brags even though my mom has literally cooked him every lunch and dinner for his life for 37 years 39 years they've been married uh september 11th is their anniversary never forget so uh i've always seen it as a day of uh tragedy your dad tries yeah um yeah dad tries uh can't building seven so um so my mom and i wanted to make have uh me say i'm gonna do dinner tonight and make dinner and i was gonna

throw in a frozen like one of those aldi things that my dad hates and be like this is crap and just be like dad i made this and just have him i love that i've also made them do wine tastings where i buy like a really expensive wine and for them really expensive it's like 17 and then uh trader joe's like five buck Chuck or two buck Chuck, whatever it is in comparison. If they can, if nicer really tastes better and it doesn't, it's all a lie,

but it's just so much. I just love your dad is it's like him, like being like Bush light is poor. And then he goes to trade. He's like, but Bud light, that's faint. Like the idea of fancy.

Fancy, fancy, which is, you know, Trader Joe's is fancy. You know Trader Joe's owns Aldi, so he's not wrong. It is a step above. We got to get to the news. Can I just ask you though? What did you do last night? Did you have our ladies

spend the night? I almost came back home. Yesterday I almost canceled my flight. Because I was running late to the airport. Just to catch me? No. I felt bad i i felt bad i'm like this i would have yeah what do you mean what's that you just feel like a six oh seal teams oh you were doing the impression of uh the sleepy terrorist um you i have a feeling this podcast is going to be called sleepy terrorist i'm just and i'm guessing no it's up to your discretion because you always name the podcast and you write the funniest

descriptions bt dubs you got to read noah's descriptions if you're not on whatever podcasting app you're using she's so funny um yes you want to know when brenna got here how quick i had her here since you left she was here she was already waiting at 3 32 yeah I sensed that there was someone hiding in the hallway like pressed up against the side when we left um no I really appreciate you helping me with my bags yesterday and uh watching the morning show as I packed and me seeing spoilers every time I entered the room to like put something in my suitcase because we watched the morning show he was like let's get in one episode before you go and i go i i gotta pack but okay i was getting picked up at 3 30 we start watching it at uh probably two o'clock and then by 2 40 i'm like shit i'm not really packed i bring

in my suitcase and i start walking out of the room and putting and i go just continue it without me i kind of know all what happens what do you think happened i i can't tell you i don't want to spoil it actually we don't want to give it away for other people but i have to say i i turned on the this is kind of me tooting my own horn i turned on the tv yesterday to watch me to me too it was i mean i was tooting a lot yesterday but uh i turned on the tv when i got into my hotel room uh to tell the truth was on the one with me on it with rupaul and cedric the entertainer i had a lot of aniston vibes going yes on this thing like my faces because when i watch her i'm really good at aniston faces and my impression is good because i'm obsessed with her and i've wanted to be her so i'm kind of upset more people don't point it out to be honest with you if i'm gonna do you know when you like think you're gonna get a compliment and then no

one does it and it's so embarrassing that you're like oh my god i so look like blah blah blah and then people don't say anything that's how they say you look like a sleepy terrorist yeah i know yeah what were you going for today mark i was going for like uh you were going for chip i was going for a leaf driver yeah oh you know what you're oh you always look like a leaf shriber let's get to the news You really do Someone I saw a picture yesterday Actually of Liev Schreiber That someone sent in

To a gossip blog And they go Yeah The person goes Here's a picture I got Of Liev Schreiber I just saw him And it's just a picture

Of him staring at the camera Smiling and they go Why didn't you get in the picture You just took a picture of him And it reminded me of us Running into Liev Schreiber And me I mean

Have we told that story before We can tell it later We'll save it for final thought you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first baby oh man I hope you're having a great time out there having all the swells especially you Nikki out there in LA you're gonna do a great job on Bill Maher check it out on Friday it's gonna be awesome I'm sorry I can't be there I know, that's why I flew with my parents I like having friends places Not that Carlisle Forrester, my best friend in LA

Is also going to be with me this week But I like having company These things are so fun You've got to bring in people you love It's so weird to do alone So yeah, I wish you were here And then there's a big party on Saturday night at Ben Gleaves I'm so excited about it, I'm co-hosting it you gotta bring in people you love it's so weird to do alone um so yeah i wish you were here wish you were here and then there's a big party on saturday night at ben gleaves i'm so excited

about i'm co-hosting it well i'll be with my nephews holding them smelling their hair you know how i do that's we're gonna have a nephew smelling uh booth at the party we have karaoke we have a vodka bar we have a food truck, and we have a nephew hair smelling booth. My dad loves taking baths with my nephews. It's a little... That's cute. Okay. Yeah, sure.

Okay, first story. The No PFAS in Cosmetics Act was introduced to the U.S. House and Senate on Tuesday following the release of a new study that found high levels of toxic PFAS substances in 52% of 231 makeup products purchased in the United States. Oh my God. That's really not good. And what is, what is this? Does this cause cancer?

What do these things do? Yeah, it can cause cancer, thyroid disease, liver damage, decreased fertility, and hormone disruption. When this stuff happens to you, you don't know what's causing it, and it could be your goddamn foundation that you got at Walgreens. I mean, this is really, this is real. And someone, I actually sent this article to Noah last night because I saw it posted on my friend Eden Sutley,

who was our producer at the show that we never did at E remember Eden yeah she's amazing and she had posted she said early on to me that she only shops at this place called Credo that has it's for like it's credible like makeup that has been like clean stuff and um and I think I'm gonna switch over to that too not a lot of people can afford though the stuff that is not gonna kill you someday potentially i mean this is insane that this so is that the thing so like cheaper makeup will have this kind of shit because it's easier to like food like processed food i'm sure expensive stuff has it too because it probably is good stuff to put in makeup that makes you look dewy or you know healthy or like you're ovulating which is all what yeah a lot of it's like in the waterproof

mascara and long lasting lipstick so essentially stuff that it would be cheaper because it lasts longer and now it will kill you because you did right and 88 of the tested products didn't disclose it, by the way. Isn't that wild? So 88% of companies that have this shit in it. And then they go, well, some of them don't know. And it's like, they don't know? Really? No, they know. They don't know?

They don't have any idea? It's not good. You ever go into a store and there's a little sign that says, we make things with cancer-causing things, just letting you know, a little plaque. Starbucks has that sometimes. It it's like it's everywhere and it's so they get away with it because no one can ever connect it to it because we consume so many plastics and you can we're around different insulation and walls like asbestos and stuff like you don't know what could eventually that's a good

point fucking you can't take so many different things yeah it's like no this was it's like actually no it was you know the shoes you're wearing or whatever the fuck it is yeah the shoes you're eating um yeah it's it's it's wild so i i just wanted to alert girls out there that's why i wanted this new segment because i needed to kind of hear this and just realize you know not only do we not want to put things on our face that are tested on animals if we can help it that's another battle to fucking like i have a problem with animal testing obviously as a vegan but i use products that are definitely tested on animals i got the vaccine tested on animals like i don't know where what to do at some point um you know you just do your best so i just want to be people to be alerted that your makeup may be killing you next story

okay would you rather wear makeup right and look beautiful but die at 55 or never wear makeup again and die at 75 okay i have that would give me how many years left? 20 more years. 18 years left. No, I'm 37. 18 more years or die at 75. I honestly, I'm going to go 55. You're dead at 40. Because I got to be honest with you guys. I, and I know that sounds weird and maybe I changed my mind, but I don't think a long life equals a better life.

I just don't think, I think that if a kid lives till seven like people my sister hates when i talk about climate change and how the world i think is ending because she has kids and i go even if a child dies in climate change related things or like a meteor hits the earth and everyone dies together and your child is whatever obviously i think anyone dying is so tragic and hopefully we can save everyone all the time and especially children but I don't think much like I view relationships that end before death before the forever you know when people divorce I think that that relationship wasn't a failure you know like it still mattered and so i think of life as that too and i think

that i could have a great 18 more years and look great and live my best life if i felt confident in because i really need it i need makeup i'm sorry and i know that's sad but and then 75 honestly i i would be I could die tomorrow and I would be happy with my life I swear to God like I have achieved I don't want to die tomorrow

but I would be okay with it because I can't control things and yes and I as long as I look hot you know that last picture really matters to me

and so I'd rather go at 55 you know if you die and we do open casket yeah just let me know what your routine is so I could give it to the-

No, have Robin do my makeup for Mike. Robin from FBoy Island. But I'll have her stay at a shitty hotel. Yeah, but put her in a shitty hotel because I hope she heard the top of the show. It just didn't go to this part. Okay, so I got this thing called Glow Screen. It's from Supergoop.

Is Supergoop, what's her name's company? I don't feel like it is. Geth paltrow yeah possibly but it's it's glow screen spf 40 it's a lightweight pearlescent formula that hydrates the skin guys if you want to get your girlfriend something um that she'll love it is a spf 40 it is a tint in it it's called glow screen it is clean chemical sunscreen non-irritating Known synthetic fragrance And vegan And it's cruelty free And then there's this thing Called glow oil That I'm obsessed with

It makes you look like Dewy and glowy And you spray it on yourself But you have to hold it With a towel Because your hands Get so greasy That it's hard to do

But it's also super goop And it's called glow oil But no PFAs or whatever PFSAs or whatever Yeah no PSAs About this either There's no public service Denouments

No no no It seems like it's probably sets but who knows because they don't tell you next story i just feel like okay real quick though if i was a woman like i would i would never feel satisfied with my makeup like that's the hard part i feel like it being like stress like never feeling like i figured out the the right uh you know potion for my face well i would tell you like i would constantly feel like i'd have to blend and mix and there's so many that's what i used to have a bit about you go to sephora and you see all new like products that you know our mothers if you're a millennial or

around my age your mom did not need an eyebrow gel or a uh brow whiz pencil or a primer like they eyeshadow palettes that were as big as the ones Monet used to make water lilies like we don't all this stuff is bullshit it's poly pocket for women for like kids you know it's like you got to collect them all and it's just marketing and it does make you feel overwhelmed if you want to know i will do like my regimen because i think that mine is down to a science where i've really i recently gave my sister and mom all of my expensive products that i've bought over the years on these impulsive buys that have just cluttered my my uh you know whatever my boudoir why do i boudoir. Why do I have boudoir? I don't even know what that is. But it's just, it's simple. It's really simple. I wash my face with a squalane cleanser from The Ordinary.

It's like seven bucks, dude. Then squalane cleanser from The Ordinary. I wash it with that. Sometimes I use an exfoliating face wash like once a week or whatever, or exfoliating pads, also from Beverly Hills Facial, I think is the name of the company, once a week or whatever or exfoliating pads also from Beverly Hills facial I think is the name of the company once a week or whenever I remember to or I look just like a little like rough and I need to flake off some skin then I every day I put night and day is the same thing no night's different I put on this dude the plant squalane from the ordinary not the hemi squalane the plant squalane from the ordinary is, not the hemi squalane, the plant squalane from The Ordinary is feels greasy. It will stain your sheets, but it will come out on the wash.

I put that I smear that on is the most moisturizing serum ever. And then on top of that, I put a Kiehl's like SPF or now I use the Supergoop SPF and then I'm good to go. And then I put on my makeup. And then at night I wear I do the um ilia serum uh tinted serum uh ilia tinted serum if you go to ilia.com they have it's like the first thing that comes up it's like their most popular item and then I use and I think their stuff is really clean as well and then at night I just want to say I use this new drunk elephant um it's like it has a green lid white body green lid it's called drunk elephant I think

and you the container is so awesome it comes out in that's what I usually go to bed with it's like 68 bucks or something ridiculous but it does last you a whole month and a half of like very liberal use um anyway so that's my and then I use a um eyelash serum that is making me go blind slowly but my eyelashes be thick and long a fuck i like how i said a fuck we'll get in the makeup next time but i didn't go af a fuck um i think that's what's in the substance okay a study finds that earworms can cause problems earworms uh can cause problems in getting to sleep and staying asleep because our brains continue to process the music when none is playing. What's interesting about this article, it's not even the lyrics.

It's the actual music that you hear. Oh, okay. So that actually fucks with your head. Sometimes it can be the lyrics because sometimes the lyrics follow the same melody as the sound behind it. I'm really into songwriting right now. Yeah, what's in your room that you do? Do you listen to music right before you go to bed? Sometimes, but generally I'm listening to my trusty white noise

or I'm listening to ASMR or watching a wart get dug out of someone's foot. You know, something soothing like that. But what kind of earworms do you deal with like noah andrew do you guys do any songs come to mind when you think of this of like oh my god i couldn't get that song out of my head there's always the i mean there's a lot of tiktoks like uh what was the one recently because they're all your words like i don't go yeah but i know that one was out there a while oh no that's peaches that one right now is in my head i'm going down to georgia ain't that shit you said to me i think you'll like it if you hear the whole version or something i go

this is we were listening to it on the radio and i go i don't like this song at all no no no no the version where he just has a version where it's just a piano like okay and he's just singing without this extra shit i hate all auto-tune i hate all that extra stuff just give me an acoustic guitar and a man belting out his love you know you love an acoustic singer songwriter i do too i um i got my own song stuck in my head the one that i wrote i had that stuck in my head for like a day and a half after i wrote it which i loved because i was like oh my god my own song is catchy to me i'm not gonna sing it yet but um noah what's an earworm that you can have suffered with well i was gonna say uh a couple of days ago when we did slice of life and I was listening to the audio that you gave me. So I caught myself about to go into the shower singing.

I am so grateful for my job, for my health, for my mom. Oh my God. That's so cute. For my hands, for my pot, for Howard Stern.

Like that was God. I loved that so much much thank you for letting me share that with you guys like me thinking i'm cute um no that was someone wrote to me about that saying like they uh they also do that and it made them do that or something i don't know the the notes i get from besties about this show i mean it's the greatest goddamn feeling in the world knowing that people are just like feeling better about themselves in life because they have listened to something dumb I've said on this show or something smart I've said. I don't know. But yesterday I did an interview with the president CEO, like I would say president of the podcasting division of iHeart, um, Connell Byrne. And, uh, he just had the nicest things to say about the show. And we talked about what podcasting means to me. And it was just, it was just so nice

to talk. It's like an internal thing that they're going to use, but it was just so, it was called like iHeart Speaker Series. It was just so nice to talk about my fans of the show and my experience with the show because i'm not kidding you yesterday was like i had so much to do and i i was i can't i reflected on it later that i told you guys it was the only part of my day i was like actually like i can't wait to do that i never have that with work ever i never have the feeling of like i can't wait even when i was doing the serious show it was still like there was ad reads and people i'd have to see in the lobby and like all the stuff and this show is just built in a way that like the people listening just I feel like they trust me they know that when I'm having a bad day or a bad show that they can stick with it and they'll still be okay the next day

they'll forgive me I'll I'm accountable I'll I will have you write in if you feel like I've offended you. I told Connell, I go, we're talking about cancel culture. And I go, I've told my fans if I say something that makes them feel like my friend Nikki doesn't like get this, like she's not understanding my side of it. And like that, because sometimes your friend says something and you go, oh, my God, like they're not the person I thought they were. I want you to let me know what I'm not getting so that I can be a better friend and I do feel like I'm friends with everyone who listens

to the show but I do put a caveat on that being like if you suffer with mental illness where you think sometimes people are talking to you that aren't it's that's not what I'm not someone who um is I'm not trying to tell you like I want to have a good boundary where like i feel so close to you guys but like not close enough that you should like try to find me unless i tell you that that's okay but you can find me on tour um andrew any thoughts uh yeah you can find me wherever i mean just i'll just put up an ad for central west end or did you see the picture i put up of you for yeah i love that photo it's such a good photo i'm so excited for the tour seriously I'll be around I just put up an ad For our tour Central West End Did you see the picture I put up of you For on my Instagram Yeah I love that photo

It's such a good photo I'm so excited for the tour Seriously we're gonna have I mean it's gonna be incredible I'm doing really weird stuff You're gonna have a chance To win prizes You're gonna have a chance

To interact And go on stage If you want You're gonna see dancing Singing Obviously comedy I'm gonna be telling stories That I would never tell

On the podcast Or any like other place Except that room so i hope you guys get tickets i hope to see you there and i i promise you i will do everything i can to not disappoint let's get to why do i care why do you care why do i care why do i care oh i like a double. Yeah, I do too. Okay, so Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck pack on the PDA with a passionate kiss during family dinner in Malibu as he bonds with her twins, proving things are getting very serious.

Oh, they were at dinner with their twins when these pictures were taken. I did take a picture of this and put it on my Instagram story yesterday because it made me aroused and I was so excited about it. It does look like she's giving the white power symbol on the second photo there. Andrew, look at his shoulder. Andrew.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can look at the screen. There it is. Noah's sharing. You can look forward. Yeah. It does look, doesn't that look like it?

Like those, but she's just grasping him and it looks like she's doing like, she's like, okay, I'm okay. Which has somehow become the white power symbol i hate it but um i don't know i do feel like maybe this whole thing this whole thing is to get more uh trump supporters i think i um i love i love two axes hooking up again why do i care um i you know everyone yesterday after i posted the picture i saw a bunch of my like people that I respect going like it's disgusting that we are you know invading their privacy like post talking about this picture that obviously they thought they were in a private moment I would argue no they did not they know what they're doing this is going to sell tickets to their movies and make

them more famous so I don't think we should leave them alone. I'm sorry about that to Jen. And Ben, if you're listening, if you want to let me know why it's a problem, if they're getting Princess Diana'd, where they're followed and harassed all the time, obviously I don't think that's good. But I do think these are, I don't think their relationship is fake,

but I do think that they don't mind these pictures being out. Because she looked damn good, and so does he. I was reading something where people think that it might've started fake. It might've started as a PR stunt. And then it's like, you can't, you're getting, again, you're together that much. And it's hard for them to find someone.

I mean, it probably is. They had something really hot back then. They still look, she still looks the same. He's got that i i thought of a joke that tattoo yeah i thought of a joke to do on bill maher because uh i'm i'm going to talk about how there's no free will if i can squeeze it in and how it's helped me with my depression that there's no i can't and it's helped me not and it's helped me have empathy for trump voters that like they can't help who they are and like if i was born in their skin in their life i'd be a trump voter too so i can't hate them for it or like you know have resentments and it's all

helped me because of no free will sam harris and i wanted to say something on bill maher like i and sam harris i first discovered him on your show when he um argued with ben affleck and then ben afterwards had to go get that back tattoo. Because if you, if you do see it, it literally was right before Ben got that back tattoo. And it was just like, it would just be a funny connection. But that back tattoo, have you seen a recent picture of it? It is so big and crazy. Like, have we, we never got the full story. Because I Googled it yesterday to see the timestamp of him on Bill Maher getting yelled at.

Or yelling at Sam Harris and fighting about Islam but the back tattoo is so big you guys it's so colorful and he lied about it initially in 2016 and said it was a fake one and then he came out later and said I lied

about lying about that like it's real I just what is the story behind it that is my goal now my new goal as a famous person is to get famous enough that i get into an inner circle where look at that look at that oh my god noah's pulling it up it's a phoenix rising from his uh you know it is so aggressive top his left it's so aggressive and the coloring off his pale skin i love it so much it's hot it's hot how bad it is i love a bad tattoo on a guy uh i just love a guy lying saying it's temporary and then being like oh no it's i mean that too he you guys gotta google it again because

you think you remember what it is but it's so much worse but i love it i think it's so hot that someone like committed to such a dumb thing and uh and that's like that's the kind of love i i like is that like i mean it's not like if you're having sex with him you don't have to see it you don't ever have to see it i would say let me get back there i don't know i'd find a way i'd find like let's you need to work on yoga just to get to that tattoo i don't i just we'd have to fuck let's, you need to work on yoga. Just to get to that tattoo. I don't, I just, we'd have to fuck next.

He'd have to carry me and stand in behind, in front of a mirror so that I could see the mirror image of his back as I'm like, uh, koala. And he'd be like, you know, the tattoo,

I know you're looking in the mirror, but when it's the other way around, it looks cool as fuck. But in the mirror, I know I'd say, babe, it looks cool as fuck. But in the mirror, I know it looks kind of weird. You wouldn't need to say that. I'd say, babe, it looks cool as fuck. I love you so much. And I'm so excited to be in this world-wide relationship with you,

even though I know that it's going to burn out because nothing really lasts. And tell me about how you and J-Lo got back together, because I am going to literally come from that story of you guys just texting each other right after she dumped A-Rod. It is fun when you get back together with someone and you learn some new sex moves or you start feeling more confident with your body or whatever and you could bring it back to someone else that's fun i remember sometimes you go where did you get that yeah i know in college i you know i had a lot of missionary sex because i was too scared to like

you know do any other moves and i remember i got back with my girlfriend and i did like doggy style and i never would like you know like was like kind of like manly about it yeah you're like who are you yeah it made her feel threatened because she knew there were other women at play probably or men um let's get to collection of kids oh getting ready for some K K K So K This is Collection of K's If you don't know what K means and you're new to the show Let me catch you up with it

K is what you say to anyone who does something That they want others to see So that they are perceived as cool This is something You say K and you do a peace sign and you can yell it at anyone or say it to anyone who's being k i could the classic examples of k are peeling out of a parking lot uh revving your engine for no reason um talking about how much drinking you do like bragging about how drunk you got or how hungover you are so that people know that you partied um

good the the show um good morning what's it called good morning what's the morning the morning show um with jennifer anson reese witherspoon and mark duplass and what's his name cory he's so hot oh my god um you could also read about kuh on urban dictionary because it is oh my god thanks to one of our listeners but anyway the morning show one second is so good because every single thing they do has to be like anytime they're stressed they just like take a shot and it's so good i say a million times during the show still love it now andrew tell us that show is that show is just a pub crawl and tell us about urban dictionary what happened what we posted on our socials has been added has been added to the Urban Dictionary. I mean, it's the biggest moment of my life.

I don't know about you. I know you've had some pretty big wins, but to see Cuh. It's up there, dude. And then I posted about Cuh. Someone goes, that's Cuh that posted about being Cuh in the Urban Dictionary. You're not wrong.

We know. I don't know how Cuh. Well, doing it, it's almost like a- Self-awareness. Okay okay so listen to this my my friend who you heard her voice in the recording for the collection of cuz that we just played kia was started by my girlfriends in high school my friend laura laura tipker on uh on instagram t-u-e-p-k-e-r-l-a-r-a she wrote she posted, okay, so this is just my friend who's just like an artist, like free spirit out in the

world. She doesn't have that many followers. She's just a regular lady. She goes, shut up. She posted the on Urban Dictionary. This is as close to fame as I'll ever get and as close to it as I want to be, but this is crazy. I'd like to thank Mrs. Zost's basic art class freshman year where Nikki and I began calling a fellow

student. The rest is urban dictionary history dude and people from high school are commenting on this going what the fuck she goes uh my huffy one of the originators of k as well her sister cory wrote under this i stole it long ago and still use it all the time because it's perfect throwing up the peace sign is a great way to say it silently too you just go okay and the thing is guys if you're a busty you can use all the time and people like don't know what it is but they sense it's like making fun of them but it's not actually like they can't confirm it unless they look it up and um i just loved how many people from oh huffy wrote this is favorite thing. I still use this on a regular basis and fully intend to use it for the rest of my life.

Ke is just, it's so important. And I love that you all have embraced it. If you are in England though, if you're in England and you're throwing up the peace sign, apparently that's flicking someone off. So it might be a little aggressive. So maybe go with a different hands.

Yeah, just go with the middle finger in England. On the opposite side of the road. Okay, let's listen to to these are when you guys Send in things you witness out and about In the world that are And we have one from Rachel who left us a voice Message okay I just thought of Something pretty much as

As it gets When you're like when you meet A guy and the guy's like You know like Whatever and you shake the person's hand because whatever like sometimes you shake people's hands and they shake your hand like excessively hard that is so cut that is like it makes me so angry honestly and then and then i'm just mad at them for the rest of the night but maybe i should be resentful with them oh wait sometimes men just make me angry i guess

and it's one of the times and it's so tough all right have a good day yeah okay so i didn't understand what oh jackpot rachel you're so sweet i love your voice i thought it was me at first you just sound like uh obviously i love myself today um listen i didn't understand what you meant by people that are just like oh yeah like they're not thrilled to meet you like they're too cool for school about it so they're already good with their reaction of like a ghost will shake your hand and then when they shake it they go too hard yeah that's okay i would say it's okay i mean it's not like i have to get there it took me a while but yeah i'll accept it i think it's 80 as a guy i mean do you remember when trump was like shaking like the French ambassador's

hand and everyone made a big deal about how hard the handshake is and you got to take control of the hand and that shows how much of a man you are. I got little hands. I'll get lost in a small grip. It does. It hurts a little bit. I got a kiss from Kelly. Kelly is a listener of ours that actually um hooked me up

with some lululemon clothes and i just want to share really quick because i reminded of it she goes before i forget a moment of social on social media anytime someone is taking a pic in their car with something near the steering wheel like oh i and i voted sticker or you know the vaccination card you know they're like showing you something but in the background they have to have their car she goes they just have to get the car logo slash emblem in there so you know what they drive so it's not about the car she goes very rarely do i see the hondas or subarus do it it's mostly audi bmw tesla etc and that is when you are trying to in the background subtly drop that you drive an expensive car without just saying look at my car is fucking sweet and that's not good to be like look at my car it's awesome that's not good i also feel like with that is like you're trying

to show like oh i'm just a regular person that got a vax like i care about the world not just my audi yeah that's added because the irony okay let's get to the next collection of okay this is from Lauren. Lauren says, blaming your personality flaws on your Zodiac sign. K. Lauren, you're so right. Like, oh my God, I am so disorganized.

I'm such a Scorpio. Like, this is so Scorpio. It's like, listen, I don't, you can blame, the fact that you're disorganized isn't your fault more than being a Scorpio or whatever is your fault so i guess you could attribute it to literally anything but talking about your sign and thinking that it is your identity having an identity based on something that everyone has is dumb like my birthday's in june like i'm a june baby like i didn't do anything to actually achieve that it's not like interesting like i think it's good to have an identity based on something that like it excuses it's it like explains who i am

because i um only child like i guess that's not good yeah yeah yeah have something else i get what you're saying what's your identity based on i fuck your boyfriend because i'm such an aquarius like it's like no you didn't you fucked him because you were drunk and you were on molly and you blew him and you fucking have no respect for me no it's because i'm an aquarius well it might be but like i just i don't know when people are into signs and stuff i kind of just it's it's like a thing where you're like you find out your friend like didn't vote you know like didn't vote for trump but like didn't vote and you just go okay my problem with signs is i go people that are even into them they go oh are you into signs i go okay so what do you know about like this sign they

always know like the like two things per sign they don't really know that much you know what i mean yesterday my my makeup artist robin in the cayman islands was like hey what energy healer did you go to i went to a reiki healer there in the islands and she was like oh i know this girl okay uh how was it and i go listen i don't believe in any of this but i don't believe in tarot i don't believe in the stars the celestial stars like telling us about our future i do think it is a fun way to interpret your life much like a song that was not written about your life. You can process your life through this song or like through a tarot reading.

It's not gonna hurt, I don't think, to have a tarot reading that make you think about your life a little bit more. Yesterday I wrote in a journal and I felt like that was- It's like a fortune cookie, yeah. Yeah, like it's just a way to interpret your life and so i just feel like there's no harm in it and i don't want to insult anyone who really

believes in it because i think it's all healthy um all right so let's get to the next care still care though it for sure listen i'm here all the time being someone always it's let's be very clear here we're i'm i did something recently too like can i tell you my co really quick i'm gonna admit to it i just want to cop to it yeah just yesterday i was at starbucks and i was like kind of zoned out and i heard the guy say my name but i just didn't feel i like i wanted to almost have him see that i was zoned like does this make sense like i heard him say my drink is ready and i saw him in the corner of my eye but i wasn't ready to look up because i was really like focused on some napkin holder that i was like

zoning out on and i just left it because i kind of wanted him to i wanted to make him laugh almost that was kind of cool because i was leaning into doing something that that wasn't real even though i knew you know like and i and then i pretended to be distracted but i knew he was there so i don't know if that's good but it's an example of like doing something to get attention or like i was trying to make him laugh because he's a really nice guy shout out to the guy that always has my drink ready and like knows who i am and makes me feel special at starbucks in central west end um okay next because are you trying to like pretend like you didn't know your own name or that you were so into something that zoned out I wanted to make him laugh at how zoned out I was because I really

was but I didn't realize how I was until I saw him call me and then I was like just stay in it a second longer and then I just wasted his time by being like Nikki so can we do one more cut and then we're going to tell your Liefstriber story in final thought. Guys who flip their sunglasses upside down and then put them on the back of their head. Fucking kuh.

Kuh, dude. Kuh. Any like little peacocking move that you do. Yeah, there's a fighter called Nate Diaz who is and he smokes weed now like at press conferences like an eight like a cool eighth grader and everyone thinks he's so but everyone thinks he's so cool but he's so good but he is so respected and he does work hard so okay it's so it's very on the line a fine line i smoke weed but i hate the culture around weed

weed is so good i can't fucking stand it it's i don't want to ever be associated with like when i smoke weed i need to let everyone know this is like a medicine for me and i can't live without it and i'm an addict and this is the least of my problems right now. And it helps me get out of my own mind and not feel like I want to imagine this. But it does not make me go like, I like music more and I'm cooler than you. I always feel less cool than everyone when I smoke weed in front of people. Just being clear. Imagine this though. We're filming your special in Denver and they call out your name.

They go, Nikki Glaser. This is her own special. Make some noise. You come out with a joint that isn't lit yet. You put it in your mouth and you light it up. You take one big puff and you blow smoke. And I got it. Is that cool?

Okay. The response from the crowd would be like, Nikki's getting fucked up. Their response would be good. Like it would make it, but if I did that, it wouldn't be because I want you guys to think I'm cool.

It would be like, this is what we're doing tonight and this is the vibe. It wouldn't be on my end, but it would be greeted with the kind of enthusiasm that if I was just trying to get that reaction

more than just trying to let them know that I'm going to be high tonight and I want to be honest with you, which is why I would maybe do something like that i wouldn't be like let's all get stoned because we're in fucking denver dude it would just be like i want to be honest that i'm stoned for the show because i you know this it's legal here and i can do it so slightly but um also coming from an honest perspective which honesty kind of is the kryptonite of k if you're

honest with yourself about your motivations behind doing something you can peel out of a parking lot at if as you peel out you say i want people to look at me yeah that you are not good you are the opposite of k so just as accountability and honesty so maybe if you did like uh like three joints you know something satire based like so you came out and yeah that'd be funny yeah yeah but just being like smells really good out here in denver like like dave matthews always used to go like crash into me yeah and then he'd be like smells pretty good out there and we'd be like dave smells the weed and we'd be like oh Dave smells the weed. And we'd be like, oh, Dave, you know, smoking weed. I used to get so excited when he said it smells good out there, even though I'd never had weed with me and really wished I did.

But I was like, I'm around it and I could be if I wanted, even though I couldn't. OK, let's get to the final thought. I promised you would hear the story of when me and andrew met a leave schreiber andrew does look exactly like leave schreiber in a way that um you know most people who look like celebrities couldn't maybe even i honestly think you could say you're leave schreiber and people would believe it i mean that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me but we have learned so we saw so we see him a lot like i would see him a lot in tribeca i don't know if i ever saw him with you but i've told you that i look like him before and

then we've done side by sides one day we're walking in my neighborhood in soho back before the pandemic life is good um and we i think either you or one of us spots him and i go oh my god and i go andrew we gotta do it. And you go, no, no, no, no, no. You get so embarrassed for me sometimes. It's so funny. But this is one of those circumstances where you're like, Nikki, don't, please don't.

I go, I am not going to pass up the opportunity for you to get a picture with your doppelganger. Like, that's insane. And he will think it's funny because it's so weird to look like someone so much. This isn't just like, kind of looks like him, like really identical. And I go, what did I do? So like a like a half a block ahead of us live live live live laugh love i was i was i was screaming a uh you know a mimeograph on in your aunt's bathroom uh i was like because i didn't remember i go leave

live laugh love dance like no one's watching i just started saying you know and he turned around and i go i'm really sorry and i do this as i've always told people this is how you encounter celebrities when you want something from them like a picture you just go oh my god i go i'm so sorry i don't mean to bother you. My friend looks exactly like you. I just want to get a picture of you guys side by side. I know this is annoying, right? Isn't that what I said?

I know, but that's the part that I was so nervous about because he turns and he looks at me, and I'm a very smaller version of him. And he's just, he gave me a look like we did not look alike. I've been told many times that I look like people who are much uglier, I think, than I am. And it's fine. I just swallow it. He's not a person.

But that is not what happened there. Because you look like him. You're not an ugly person. I felt it. No, I'm not an ugly person. He goes, sure. So he stands next to you. And you take the picture.

And then we go, thank you so much. And let him go. And it literally took, my phone was already open. This is the biggest thing I tell to people who are celebrity fans. I will always take a picture with you. Let's get your phone screen already on camera before you ask me, you know, I might turn you down because who knows the celebrity might turn you down. I will never turn you down literally, especially if you have your phone already open to the camera but don't make me watch you put in your password 18 times and have to go through a bunch of different apps and close them out to get your camera open and then clean up your screen have it already open and then snap it and so it

didn't take any time of his day it was fun for us fun for maybe him and um then we found out later and then later so we posted and it was the same day that his it was announced that ray donovan was canceled and uh so i think we delighted his day to tell him that this i think we gave him two negatives i think he could have gone maybe he felt better about this show he's like a taller better looking version of me you know what i mean he's like at least i got this win sleepy terrorist sleepy terrorist to leave schreiber that's what we this show has been bookended by me insulting your looks to me saying andrew you're an attractive guy you know you are um i don't know i you always think i have way more self-esteem than i do um i'm you do know

that because you take pictures of yourself where you look like when you are, when we do little photo shoots and stuff and I let you stand in while I'm changing outfits or whatever and get some pictures taken, you know how to look like hot. Like you do these like, like, you know, you know, you must know that you're attractive. I still don't. I don't. I don't. I think we both have the same awareness.

Like sometimes we feel hot and sometimes we feel like disgusting. I mean, the girl I'm dating now tells me how hot, how attracted she is to me. And I swear to God, like I've never really heard that or taken it in. And it just, it does feel nice. That's so nice that you're hearing that for the first time. When does she say that to you? Like just in bed or like just in general? That's so sweet.

Just in bed. Like, I don't know. Yeah. What does she say? Like, can you just in bed or like just in general that's so sweet just in bed like i don't know yeah just what does she say like can you tell me a thing that she says i just want to hear how cute it is like stuff like just like i am so into you like or like i like i was like banging her on top i was standing up she's like you're so fucking hot and i'm like flexing obviously and it's not like her responding to you saying she's hot and her giving it back. It's like unprompted. Like she'll just say, oh, that's the best. I'm so glad you have that. It does feel so good when someone just is like kind of marveling at how like attractive you are.

I had a guy say to me for the first time ever, like it was we were like in the early stages of like hooking up and stuff and we hadn't really like expressed how into each other we were like in that way yet and he just like at one point he like was just like kind of holding my face we were just like kissing each other like laying and he just goes god baby you're so beautiful and I was like wearing no makeup and he says baby you're so beautiful I can't even say it right now with like without getting teary i burst into tears because i have never had someone just like it seemed like it came from a part of him he couldn't keep in like it wasn't trying to make me feel a way it was just like it was like he was breathing like it was that involuntary that he had to say it and i never would want to cry and like this this was a person i barely like was just getting to know never would want to cry. And like this, this was a person I barely like was just getting to know.

Never would have. I don't even cry in general. I burst into tears so embarrassingly. And it just made me realize like how sad that was, that that was the first time I was feeling like that loved and that like appreciated. Yeah. What a good feeling. I hope everyone that's listening has a chance to feel that because it feels really good.

And it's not a big deal because your eyeliner with waterproof and you're you'll die of cancer but you look great then so yeah i didn't have any on i don't think actually i probably had it smeared i always have smeared eyeliner uh we gotta go thank you guys so much for listening to the show we'll be here tomorrow what a great show today andrew thank you so much noah thank you so much listeners thank you for sending in collection of cuz tomorrow we're gonna do listener mail. Send in your voice memos on the link in the bio at Nicky Glazer Pod on Instagram. You got to request access. We'll grant it. And get your friends into the show.

Thank you for listening if you're new. Thank you for listening if you're old. Or you can write us an email at thenickyglazerpodcast at gmail.com or DM the show. Many different ways to get in touch with us. Before I go, before I go, I am doing the JFL escapes festival, November 3rd through the 7th,

I think is the whole time. I'm doing a couple of those shows there. It's a resort in the Cancun that's being taken over by comedy fans and this festival and comedians, me, Tom Segura, Jim Jeffries, girls got to eat podcast, which are two of Andrew and I's like best friends. By comedy fans. And this festival. And comedians. Me. Tom Segura. Jim Jeffries. Girls Gotta Eat Podcast.

Which are two of. Andrew and I's. Like best friends. There's just comedy shows. Comedy events. Hanging out with comedians. Staying at the same resort. As comedians.

You know. I'll see you in the gym there. If you're planning a vacation. Look towards November. Third through the seventh. Cancun. You can just check it out on. It's one of my most recent.

Instagram posts. And it's JFL Escapes. Cancun. November third through seventh out on It's one of my most recent Instagram posts And it's JFL escapes Cancun November 3rd through 7th so Check that out and Look for any announcements on my Instagram about that And I would love to see you there I think it's just such a good idea I can't wait and I'll see you On tour too tons of cities nickiglazer.com

For information on that and We'll see you tomorrow on the show the Nicky Glazer podcast Thursday's edition see you then Okay And we'll see you tomorrow on the show, the Nikki Glaser podcast, Thursday's edition. See you then. Okay. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.

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