The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #512 Love A Nap, The Maturity Stunted Game & Nikki's Latest Obsessions

Episode Date: February 21, 2025

Nikki’s putting off washing her hair as a time-management move—it’s just too much with everything going on. Brian swears Nikki’s the fastest person in the bathroom he’s ever met. Nikki’s downtime is when she’s napping and feels invisible to people who don’t get it. Nikki and Brian are both suspicious of Tom Brady’s nap before his first game. Noa’s been thinking a lot about personal growth and outgrowing your past. Nikki knows nothing lasts forever and is always bracing for the end of her success. She thinks everyone’s maturity gets stuck at the age they were most hurt and plays a guessing game to prove it. After talking about childhood trauma, Nikki gives a shout-out to her current spring/summer entertainment: The White Lotus, definitely the best show rn. Then, they get into a convo about good vs. bad acting, and Nikki keeps the praise going by bringing up her latest obsession, comedian Chris Fleming. Brian shows he’s fun by testing Nikki on some ‘spoonerisms,’ a term she just learned. . Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram: @NikkiGlaserPod Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I didn't know. Hey, man. What are you into? I have the hookup. The hookup? The hookup for what? I'm solving a mystery through sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now?

Poppers? Why are there so many poppers? All roads lead to? The hookup. You think it's causing people to turn aggro? and haven't made a private dick joke until now? Poppers? Why are there so many poppers? All roads lead to... The hookup. You think it's causing people to turn aggro? I'm gonna rip your arms off and use them to... Yeah, that's a word for it.

[♪ music playing on radio screen. The hookup is on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, and wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I haven't washed my hair in four days, since Sunday, it's Wednesday. Seems about right, I'm trying to get all the way to tomorrow, so I just have to wash it before my show. Because washing your hair, it's just too much of a process to have to dry it. In order for it to look good, you must dry it, and I don't feel like drying it. And also I get really depressed at how much hair comes out

when I do dry it. So I just like to save that for once. And then I'll have to, and then I can't just like, so I'm performing on Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I'm not gonna be able to like make one of those washes last till the next day. I always have clean hair for the stage.

It just gives me a boost of confidence to have like a blowout that I give myself sadly in my hotel room. But. That's not sad. It is sad. It's sad because it's like. Why?

Because it's just like not, I'm bent over, I'm naked, I'm like second guessing everything, my hair keeps getting tangled into the brush, my hair then tangles into the hairdryer that I have to use from the hotel. And I would say 89% of the time at a hotel is the hairdryer sucks and is disgusting no matter how nice of the hotel you're staying at is. No one can get it right.

Even if there is a little nozzle attachment, which I need for a good blowout, most of the time that is missing. It's not even in the pouch. Yeah, it just sucks. And people go, missing, it's not even in the pouch. Yeah, it just sucks. And people go, oh, just bring your own hairdryer. I know Emily is gonna be like, message me as soon as she hears this, should we add a hairdryer to your bag of things?

I guess, but like, it's just another thing to bring. But I guess that anyway. I started using a blow dryer and a brush in one, and it's a game changer, I gotta say. Is that the thing you got me? Yes. Oh my god, okay, I need to use that. I get scared of it because I get scared

that my hair's gonna get tangled too much around it and get stuck, and then I'll have to stop and unwind it because it gets too tangled. Your hair will get caught in it the same way it gets caught in a round brush, but it's so much more convenient than having two tools and having to do like a crazy maneuver. Oh my god. And just the sad. Yeah, I get it. My hair is just so not thick the way it used to be. But you have extensions. How do you blow dry

extensions? The same way I would my hair. Really? Yeah. But like, where are they attached? Like, Really? Yeah. But like, where are they attached? Does it ever pull on the attached part? No. I mean, I also have like a head of steel at this point. I can't really feel pain in my head, but I just kind of do it gently. And also I hold the part closer to my scalp and I can pull the knots out of the rest.

Do the extensions get less dirty than your actual hair? Because I find that when I wear clip-in extensions, I never have to wash them, literally ever, ever. They never get greasy. I only wash my hair once a week. So the only hair that's really getting dirty is the hair that's attached to your scalp. Exactly.

Naturally. Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird? So even the end of your hair is dirty because it is attached to your scalp. Because even the ends of my fake hair are as always clean as a whistle and then the ends of my real hair will be dirty.

So it's all connected to your scalp. Yeah, but I will say if I go to like a house that's kind of like, you know, has like the smell of cooking or if we're cooking and stuff, then that stench stays in my hair and I have to wash it. Oh, I don't even think about that. I never think about how I smell. And that's probably why no one's ever told me I smell good.

Well, you know that hair is, you know, first of all, it's covered in oils and it really is just kind of like waste. It's like your body, it's like your fingernails that you can cut off and- No, it's disgusting. Yeah, it's like stuff that- The oil's healthy, isn't it?

It's kind of healthy to keep it on. Otherwise, why would our bodies make it? But like, think about the difference between finding someone else's hair in your salad as opposed to your own hair. My own hair does not bother me at all. I just be like, ew, gross. But someone else's hair, just, I'll never eat a salad again. But it's like, who really cares?

That's why I literally don't care when I find hair in my food. I was just speaking like other people before I don't care when I find hair in my food because I'm like it's just hair It's like it's kind of gross, but it doesn't really ruin it for me I just take it off and I hope that no one else sees it because if people see me take off a hair and then Keep eating they go. Oh my god and I'm like I don't want to wait for them to make a whole other one and like throw this out because I like need to be an entitled bitch right now. And yeah, and I just think that just get over it. You're your food is in it as dirt.

It is spit. It has feces like your food is contaminated. There are certain foods that if it had a hair and it would be worse than others, others. I think I wouldn't eat a hair that was in a soup. Like if it was in the soup, because I feel like it would get mixed up in the broth. If it was in a salad. You would never be able to tell. If there was a hair in my soup?

No, there's a hair in your soup and you got it. And someone took it out. I saw it and I took it out and you didn't see me take it out. The soup would not taste different to you. You would not die of anything that you would have died from before. It's like, it just is. You know, it's all mental for sure.

Right. Well, then let's all get over it and let's stop freaking out about germs. I'm also less repulsed by a long hair than a short hair. If I find a short hair, it's like questionable. Then it might be a pub. Might be a pub, might be arm hair. Oh, see, long hair's worse

because it's more bacteria, more oils. And pub, I'm just like, it's not a pubes, maybe arm hair. Oh, see, long hair is worse because it's more bacteria, more oils. And pubes, I'm just like, it's not a pubes. It's just a short, it's like a short guy's hair. It's so funny that we instantly think black short hair is pubes when it can be beard. Most likely it's beard and it's short guy hair. But women don't have short hair, so they don't understand it out of sight of pubes. I think there's nothing grosser than when like if you go over to someone's house or if you have a guest and you go into the bathroom and there's little short hairs on the bathroom counter or

by the sink. Nothing grosser? There's nothing grosser. I don't even think if they took a shit on the counter, I think I'd be less grossed out because at least I know they meant it. Oh, God. I just don't care about that stuff. I think that- A little short hairs. I think like stains in a toilet bowl are grosser when you're in someone's house.

Yeah, man, it sucks when there's a stain. You have a stain and you don't realize it and you have guests over and they're like, Oh my God, there was a stain in there the whole time? Literally every time someone uses my bathroom, which I hope would be never. I don't like having people over. I don't like company when they do come over or be like, or, you know, I have hair and

makeup people come to my room and they're like, can I use your bathroom? I'm like, they're sorry if there's piss in the toilet. I just don't flush the toilet literally ever, ever. Well, you're like, I'm always peeing on top of my pee. I mean, you, your time spent in the bathroom, I think is like a record, record levels, whether it's showering or pissing. I mean, sometimes you start it, sometimes I'll be talking to you and you'll start a sentence. You'll go to the bathroom and piss or even shower. And

you'll finish the sentence. You won't even pick it up. The sentence won't be over by the time you're out of the bathroom. Other people are doing in showers. I truly, I've discussed it before. I don't know what to do in there. I get everything I need to get done and I don't know what people are doing. People are just standing in the shower and just thinking.

And you're telling me these people struggle to meditate. That's crazy what you're doing right there, just sitting in the shower with your eyes closed like you are meditating, you sir are a master of your own domain, if you are able to, I'm so bored in there, I can't. I wanna get out. Do you do hot showers or cold showers?

Of course I do hot showers, I would never do cold showers. Kirsten's always trying to suggest cold showers on the girls chat and I'm like, that's the one self-help thing I will literally never get behind. I don't care what it does for me. It's so torturous. I don't like it.

I will never do it. I can't. No, it's crazy. It does shock your system. You do get like a bad joke. Oh yeah. And that's good. You go, ah, and then the day is,

I don't know if that's good for you or what, but I guess it helps a person. I think it's very good for you. I think it's like, it's like definitely think it's like, totally, it's like definitely, it's like that little chill pill thing, like it's shocking, it makes you feel a pain that you cannot be distracted by anything else ever. All of your worries seem inconsequential

because of the pain of the shower. I'd rather do a plant class. That is going to give me results in my muscle tone and my body definition, and it's definitely excruciating, than standing in a cold shower. I just, I can't, I just will not do it. And by the way, we're all gonna, whenever my shower is kind of cold

and there's not enough hot water, I just always think about what's gonna happen with the water wars coming up, where it's like, we will not have, where it's like, if things are going the way I think they're going in this country, like we won't have hot water. Like I'm just trying to enjoy hot showers now.

I'll be doing cold plunges the rest of my life when we are in. But you're not enjoying the hot shower because you're doing it so fast. The true enjoyment of a hot shower is standing in the shower and just letting your day pass by while the warmth takes you over. No, okay, well here's another thing.

You slowly, essentially pass away. But don't you feel like, I feel like I'm wasting time and I feel like, I guess some people might think of showers as like, this is me time, no one can get to me, this is the one time I have for myself, like no one's gonna interrupt me, it's like we all culturally know. Yes, to me, an airplane is that.

To me, napping is that. I just sent Anya a, there's a guy that does these things on the subway where he asks you to have a take. Have you seen this? Where it's like, what's your strong opinion? And then he either 100% disagrees or 100% agrees. I forget his name. And if he disagrees, he lights you on fire?

Yeah, I think that's what happened with that one. That's what that guy was? That was that one homeless woman who got lit on fire. Yeah, she had a strong take about something. She thought the new season of White Lotus seemed promising or something like that. Anyway, which it does. There's only one episode out, right? I love it.

I'm so into it. Okay, we'll go back to that. I mean, I don't want to interrupt you. Okay, so this guy had a strong take with, he was doing Cazzie David, Larry David's daughter. Oh yeah. It had such a Larry David take. Yes. I don't mean to take anything from her by saying that. Cassie David, Larry David's daughter, had such a Larry David take. I don't mean to take anything from her by saying,

I think I would be annoyed if I was her and every time I said something interesting, people were like, that's so your dad. I'd be like, well, or it's me. But she was saying that she hates naps and people who take naps are losers. I felt so called out. She thinks that you wake up from a nap disoriented.

It's like, it's just you sleep at night. You're supposed to sleep at night. Like you're just like, every time you wake up from a nap, you're just like, oh, what? You look stupid, you're a fool. And their naps are for babies and dogs, but not fully grown humans, like grow up and sleep at night. Or old people.

Once you get to a certain age, you got to have that nap. You got to have your afternoon nap. My like my neighbor who's now 91, I think she takes a nap every day from 230 to four. And I think it's honestly been one of the things to rob her. That's when I get that's when I go in and I take all of her jewels. And it really is sad because she's running out of jewels. And it's like, how much longer is it going to go on for? Well, she threw them all in the ocean at take all of her jewels. And it really is sad because she's running out of jewels and it's like, how much longer is this gonna go on for? I mean.

Well, she threw them all in the ocean at the end of that movie. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's okay. It's, I think naps. I love naps, but I also heard what Kazzie was saying and I was like, oh, she's someone who doesn't, can't nap. Like, I don't wake up from naps, Groggy.

I don't wake up being like, who am I? What am I doing? I wasted my day. I can't get back on. I can take a nap for 15 minutes and then go down and do a Pilates class right away. I can take a nap for 20 minutes and feel totally refreshed and then perform on stage.

I don't need this refractory period. I think that's a word that I thought I was using right, but it doesn't feel right. Where I need to like. That's not right at all, in fact. I think refractory is like something to do with light changing the angle. Maybe metaphorically it works. Anyway, I don't need that at all. I can just jump from one thing. Recovery period is what you meant to say. But maybe it makes sense in some way. I can't look it up right now, but I think maybe I'm going to look it up later

and prove myself that I was maybe right, but not in a way I thought I was. The other night- I can read you the definition if you want. Of refractory? Yeah, well, Nikki said refractory period. Yeah, what does that mean? Okay.

A period immediately following stimulation during which a nerve or muscle is under responsive to further stimulation. That's actually much closer than I thought. Yeah. Is there another kind of definition that makes it less... Is there an alternate... Less...

Because it's the opposite of what you meant because it's stimulus. Yes, I do have one. Refractory period is usually the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for males to have additional orgasms. Okay. is usually the recovery phase after orgasm, during which it is physiologically impossible for males to have additional orgasms. Okay, that's kind of where I got it from. I was listening to something talk about orgasm and it was someone mentioned refractory.

That's actually much closer. When you initially said it, I was thinking like light being like angled differently because it hits a mirror. But what you said, I think what you said makes, is it actually very close to being a proper use of the phrase, I rescind my comment. Thank you.

What does rescind mean? Just kidding. No, so I- Recind is how you feel after your orgasm. I don't need, I don't need that. So I do agree. And then I sent it to Anya, and Anya said she also doesn't nap.

And I have always secretly been really jealous of people, envious of people I should say. Jealous is when you are someone has something that you think is gonna take from you. So I guess it is jealousy because they are having more time in the day, which is taking from me. So I'll stick with jealous. I'm jealous of people who don't need naps because I feel like napping is a sign of laziness, which is my biggest core fear about myself. And I'm jealous of people who just seem to not need

as much rest as I do. And um. Well 15 minutes, 20 minutes, that's the proper amount of time you're supposed to take to nap. Yeah, but I'm not doing that. You're going longer. How long are they gonna nap?

You're indulging. Yesterday I took three naps because I was depressed and honestly napping really helps my depression because a lot of times I think being depressed is just being under slept. And so I slept three separate times yesterday and each was about 45 minutes. And they were great. And each time I woke up I was a little bit happier

and I was like, I told Chris, I think I'm 20% feeling better. I know I'm another 20%. And I was finally, by the end of the day, like 75% happier than the start of the day because of those that they're just getting that extra rest. And just having that moment where I was like, for me, I was telling Anya, like naps are airplane mode.

They are like, they are that time in the shower when no one can get to me. I am napping right now. So it's like my brain is able to shut off. Anya said she can't imagine being able to shut your brain off in the middle of the day. And for me, it is so easy to do. It's like closing a working laptop.

It just, everything shuts down. It's not even optional for me to worry when I'm napping. I don't know what my brain does, but it doesn't allow me to keep thinking about the thing I'm nervous about. It's like, it lets me have a vacation from all my worries. Hakuna Matata. Yeah, I mean, Hakuna Matata, yeah. I mean, it is, I think also when you're depressed,

all the nap rules are thrown out the window. It's like having a cold and saying like, oh, do I have to still go to the gym today when I'm sick? And it's like, no, the rules are changed because you're feeling this way. Yeah, I think that I don't get colds very often. I got one a couple weeks ago, and I really learned a lot about myself in it

because I wasn't feeling, my body wasn't tired, but I was just, maybe I wasn't registering it because I'm not in touch with my body, but I couldn't go work out. I couldn't, I needed to lay down a lot more and my brain wasn't wanting me to because my brain was fine and was like, you should go to the classes, you should do the things.

And I realized depression is like a brain cold and I need to honor it and lay down and drink fluids and be like gentle with myself, but it's just so hard not to. But do you guys ever nap? Noah, you don't nap. I actually envy people who can nap, and this is a household of a napper and a non-napper. And it's been-

Oh really, Avi's a napper. Oh, he's gotta have a nap at the end of work. It's a mixed couple. Yeah, we're a mixed couple. And if he doesn gotta have a nap at the end of work. It's a mixed couple. Yeah, a mixed couple. And if he doesn't, he just can't do anything after work. He's just like a zombie and it totally revives him. And I just can't, if I were to lay down for a nap, I just want like eight hours of sleep.

Yeah, just for me, it's like a little piece of chocolate after a meal. Like it's a little treat that it's like at the end of the rainbow, I get a treat. Like I get to reward myself with little treat that it's like at the end of the rainbow I get a treat. I get to reward myself with a nap and it's like, and I will say that it never feels like it's enough at the beginning where I'm like,

I only have 40 minutes, it always is. Like it's, you don't underestimate that. You should try napping, have you tried or did you fail? I do and I actually took a nap last week and I regretted it because I woke up even more tired than when I went to sleep. How long was it? I just needed a fucking real good rest. Yeah, I just needed like a full sleep,

like to turn the daytime into night. Yeah, you were tired, you got a baby. Rapping is like not the same for you. I mean, you've got a baby, so it's like, you're gonna be, you're tired all the time, you're constantly need to be responsible for this thing. I mean, I was thinking about it. I've only had interrupted sleep for about a year now. I would say since like seven months of pregnancy, I haven't slept through the whole night, like a complete sleep. I'm probably losing my mind, you guys. Yeah. But

are you so tired that you like fall asleep watching TV? Like when I get tired, like how are you staying awake then? There's just something in my brain that's keeping me up. I do like, yeah, exactly. I can't, I mean, I just pass out like around 10 o'clock at night and then I wake up like around 1130 and then I get three and then I get at four. I would be the biggest bitch ever.

I am. If I didn't sleep. I would just be an awful person to everyone I know and love if I wasn't getting adequate sleep. So ironic that you have to like, you become a mother and you're supposed to be like full of love and like just like this matriarch of the family that is keeping everything together and just loving everything

and being so strong and like it just, being tired weakens you incredibly and it makes you so unprepared to be that kind of person. We wonder why so many kids are fucked up and have to go to therapy when it's like your parents for the first several years of your life were exhausted the whole time. I just that's just does not seem worth it to me. I just, I like sleeping way too much, and I just, I would, I just can't imagine sacrificing that. But I guess you just don't feel it,

because I never, I hear you guys say you're tired, but you don't ever seem to do anything about it, because you just can't. Yeah. That's the difference, like you can't complain too much, or let it in that you're so sleep deprived, because what are you gonna do about it? It's kind of like with you. Let your baby just starve? I think you'd understand let it in that you're so sleep deprived because what are you gonna do about it? Let your baby just starve?

I think you'd understand it's like you and getting sick, I think it could be like a similar comparison where you just like have not let that sickness in. And I just don't let it in. I'm just like, I'm fine, you know, like mind over matter. Just keep going. Running on adrenaline. It's like when you're prepping for something, you know,

and you're going 100 miles an hour, and you're just like, there's no time to even think about stopping. And then when it's over, then all of a sudden, your adrenaline drains from your body, and you become a husk zombie-like thing. Well, Tom Brady, I saw him being interviewed

about his first Super Bowl. He took a 15-minute nap before to play. Did you see that? Yeah, that was pre Super Bowl B roll or whatever pre take. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He said that he was and then everyone was like, what the fuck?

How are you able to nap? And he was like, well, because I was too young and dumb to understand that this was important. So I was like, that's true. You think he lied there? How would he not know it's important? How would he not know his first Super Bowl? Well, I don't think he was lying. I just think he doesn't understand why he was able to do that. He was thrust into this starting role.

It was before he got anxiety. Yeah, because when you're that young. I think he understood the important. I don't think anxiety equals you understand the importance of something more. It just means you're more fucked up. I think the anxiety was lower because he felt like, oh, I got here my first year as a starter. That means I'm gonna get here so, almost every year I'll get to the Super Bowl. Oh, maybe he's practical about it.

Yeah, so, and then he didn't realize until later, until after, you know, he had that big long gap where he wasn't in the Super Bowl, that he's like, oh my God, this is special and really hard to get to, and so I shouldn't take a nap beforehand. because, you know, he just kind of, he listens to Kazzie. I mean, that's his, that's been his most beautiful career. All right, we got to go break. We'll be back after this. Have you ever looked into the night sky and wondered who or what was flying

around up there? We've seen planes, helicopters, hot air balloons and birds, but what if there's something else, something much more ominous that appears under the cover of night, silent, unseen, watching? They may be right above your car late one night as you cruise down the road or look like mysterious lights hovering above your car late one night as you cruise down the road or look like mysterious lights

hovering above your home? Drones. Or are they? We used to work drone because it was comfortable to other people. One minute it was there and one minute it wasn't. Oh that is beyond creepy. Do you feel like this drone was targeting you specifically? Yes, absolutely. Listen to Obscurum, Invasion of the Drones on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The more better the merrier, title of your podcast. All your old Brooklyn Nine-Nine friends are appearing on your favorite podcast, More Better the Merrier, title of your podcast. All your old Brooklyn Nine-Nine friends are appearing on your favorite podcast, More Better. Don't miss Brooklyn Nine-Nine stars and show hosts Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero as they welcome their friends and former castmates back to laugh about old times and swap some stories. This week, it's Gina Lanetti herself, the talented Chelsea Peretti.

Remember when we were in that scene where you guys were just supposed to hug and I was standing there? talented Chelsea Peretti. Then next week, the 9-9 nonsense continues as the more better amigas sit down with Joe Letrulio, aka Detective Charles Boyle. There'll be more laughs, more conversation, more stories from the set, and more more better. Don't miss a minute. You felt safe enough to throw out a bad idea, right?

I mean, that is the key, because you're definitely not throwing out good ideas all the time. I mean, that's just not how it works. Listen to More Better with Stephanie and Melissa on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember what you said the first night I came over here?

How goes lower? I met Santi at a luau party in October. I'm Santi. Damien. Oh, it was bizarre. The guy just disappeared one day. Santi has been missing ever since. The hookup.

What is that? I'm solving a mystery through sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now? Like no matter how hard I try, all roads lead to... The hookup? You think it's causing people to turn aggro? I'm gonna rip your arms off and use them to- Yeah, that's a word for it. This is such terrible representation, I'm so sorry. Poppers? These aren't just any poppers.

Mama always used to say, God gave me gumption in place of a gag reflex. No, not my psychiatrist didn't laugh at that one either. ["I Heart Radio App," by The Bachelorette plays in background.] Listen to the hookup on the I Heart Radio App, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough to do stuff like Brat City and Narcos,

and Roadhouse, and so many commercials about back pain. And now, I'm starting a podcast because honestly guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get Ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest true escape stories in history. Each week, I'll be sitting down with some of the most hilarious actors and writers and comedians to tell them a buckwild tale from across history and time. People like Ed Helms, Diane Guerrero,

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Zoe Chow. Titanic. Charles Manson. Alcatraz. Asada Shakur. The sketchy guy named Steve. It's giving funny true crime. I love storytelling and I love you, so I can't wait.

Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Noah shared on Girls Jet today, a picture of herself from the weekend where she did her makeup and she went kind of like a little bit harder than usual. Yeah, I went to a birthday party and it was themed, so the theme was Valentine's Day Fairy. And what I was telling-

That's not a theme. Well, it's just like my friend- That's like when Kirsten went to the zoo and she was like, the theme tonight is octopus. And I was like, what are you talking about? They were like, there's like a- The theme is zoo. There was like a zoo function,

like I guess they do like jazz at the zoo in Kansas City, like a jazz night at the zoo. And everybody goes to the zoo and they drink and they hang out and they walk around at night. And it's like an adult kind of thing. And she was like, yeah, and tonight's theme is octopus. And we were all like, huh, what? What does that even mean?

And then she got there and the theme was indeed octopus. I mean, there are people wearing octopus themed clothing and different like tentacles on everything. So Valentine's Day fairy was a theme. What are men supposed to do with that? So it was an all girls gathering. There was no guys. Oh, I always allowed.

For a birthday or for Valentine's Day you're saying? It was for a birthday party. It was like just a small gathering and my friend likes to dress up and stuff. So I was for her and she wants to have a theme and it's her birthday. So now everyone's going to go glam up, go to this party and be a fairy and try to nail this theme that it seems very it's open to many different interpretations. You dress up like Cupid, right?

Yeah, that is the Valentine's Day fairy. Oh, yeah. Well, Cupid's the fairy, right? That is the Valentine's Day fairy. Oh yeah. Well, isn't he an angel? A sheriff? He's a little fat baby. He's a sheriff. Yeah. Very few people know what he is.

They've been trying to figure it out for years. Do you know that Valentine, the story of it is like tragic, where it's like, there was a Saint Valentine who was like marrying people, and the church didn't like that he was doing this, so they forbade him to and put him to death or something like that. That's where it comes from. He was a guy that believed in love and wanted to marry people

and got shut down for doing it. So that's why he's got the air. I heard that St. Valentine. I don't know, some ASMRtist was whispering about it and not telling about that. Oh, okay, so you can't trust them. You don't know what they say. Yeah, they were eating a cake and telling me about the,

actually I was reading about it. Because they're all like Chinese and so they don't trust them. You don't know what they say. They were eating a cake and telling me about the... Actually, I was reading about it because they're all like Chinese and so they don't speak English. So they write out their captions and then the captions are translated. And then you read what they're thinking while they're eating. But it can't possibly be what they're thinking while they're eating because they put in the captions after they've already were editing the video. But it's so interesting because I just watch these people read the, I watch their thought processes while they're eating. I just can't recommend enough. So anyway, no, I went to this party.

Okay, so I went to this party and I just exaggerated my makeup. And what I was trying to say on Girls Chat is that I had this realization that like I've been doing my makeup the same way for so long. And it's just kind of time for me to retire what I'm doing regularly. And my question was like, have has anyone else done that with their makeup? Change it up or your style? Like a hat that you keep wearing or like just certain clothes and stuff where you just kind of realize, like, I think I've outgrown this

or I'm just looking like I'm trying to dress. I guess I just keep imagining those old talk shows where kids bring their parents on for a makeover because they dress like two sex. And we are those parents now. Yes, because they never let go of this one style where they learned, they got some advice advice at one point they really looked good they Got a lot of positive affirmation about that kind of like look and then they they're too scared to go away from it

Right. I'm just like used to it. This is just what I know Yeah party though. I mean I I also went to the party and I I was embarrassed I thought the theme was octopus And so I was walking around. Yeah a tentacles I was embarrassed because I thought the theme was octopus and so I was walking around. Yeah. And ate tentacles. Your makeup style has not changed, Brian, through the years.

I think you've been doing the same kind of thing. You know, sometimes I think about that. Well, kind of not really, but I think about, I watch videos of like, Chapel Rowan and stuff, and I'm like, someday they'll be 50. And everything that is cool right now will be not cool slash made fun of by whoever is not born yet. No, I think it will be retro and people will be doing what she's doing in homage.

I think after long enough it becomes retro but I think about like there are some there are millennial things right now that are lame, that people are a tick tock, make ridicules. A lot of the millennial tropes that people and it's like, these are like, like I think about like the coolest people from my high school and how cool they were back then, how cool, like if I was interviewed by someone when I was like 19 in college, they were like, whatever he thinks is cool. And now you look back on those things. Yeah, and like all these things that if you go to like a millennial party and you're doing millennial

things, it's like lame now. No, this is what I always do. I always try to, whenever I get threatened by something because it's cool or popular, like it, I always just realize, don't worry, it'll be taken from them. They won't be cool at some point, they won't be the it girl.

And I do it for myself. I was just having an interview where the woman was like, this is your year, and I was like, it's gonna go away. I got offered to do this thing, I was just talking to Chris about this last night, I got offered to, I was just talking about, I'm just kind of overworked right now, and I'm like, when you reach a level where people are like, finally recognize like, you're

good to be on shows. They ask you to do all the shows and all these shows that you've always been wanting to be a regular on or start asking. And you're like, well, I can't do a show a week where I have to fly to New York or LA and I have to also get fitted for it. I have to be in hair and makeup. I also have to come up with funny stories, do a creative call, practice the stories, write them.

Then the day of, you have to, it's just, then you gotta post about, it's exhausting to just appear on one show. And also you have to worry about oversaturating and people getting sick of you. And so we were having this conversation about, well, you gotta pick and like what you're gonna do. You can't do everything anymore, even though I want to.

And then as I'm having this conversation, I checked my email and an offer came up for the show that I love doing and I've loved doing. And I'm scared to ever say no, because it was something that I was so grateful to ever even get asked in the first place. But I'm like, I'm gonna say no, because I just don't. I think that I can't, I'm like to ever even get asked in the first place, but I'm like, I'm gonna say no because I just don't, I think that I can't, I'm looking at how much

I'm gonna be on TV coming up and I'm like, it's too much. And I gotta pull back a little bit. Because it will, so yeah, everything that's cool will not be at some point and I'm just trying to, the refractory period, I'm trying to make longer. Before people wanna come to whatever I do again. Yes. But anyway, in terms of makeup and style,

like no, Emily has injected some like kind of Gen Z energy into my life. In fact, I actually, she made me throw out all my granny shoes that were just these like plain white Reeboks that I had literally 20 pairs of. She made me get rid of all of those. And then I saw yesterday a Gen Z girl wearing them and I sent a screenshot and I was like,

see, Fran's wearing these shoes or whoever it was. Fran does not sound like a Gen Z's name, but it was. Maybe it was Maria. It was either Maria or Fran on- A lot of Gen Z's people's names are like the names of our grandparents. The chicks in the office girls. Yes, yeah, oh yeah, because that's coming back around.

Gertrude is, you know, like- Yeah, I was like, Pearl's wearing her side part. And so, but she was like, no, you're not allowed to do that anymore. And so I've gotten a lot of different new style tips from her, of course. But oftentimes I feel like she goes, no, you are not a millennial. You are Gen Z at heart. You don't look ridiculous when you wear Gen Z things. I think that sometimes I do,

and it's hard for me to know my age because I do feel stunted maturity-wise. I don't feel like a real adult. I'm all, and then sometimes I can be really adult, and then I feel like it ages me, and it makes me act a little bit different if I dress differently. I don't know.

Where do you think you are? I mean, I'm solidly, this is the interesting thing. I'm stopped at 17. I think everyone, you can kind of pinpoint where they stopped or something happened to them and they are frozen. I determined this weekend, we ran around the van this weekend and told all my openers

where they were stopped maturity wise, including Emily and Chris. I don't think we did Chris, but I could, um, mine's 17, but it appears to be 13. So I, because I was a late bloomer. So it truly is 17 year old me is where it kind of clicked and that's where I am. But it looks like a 13 year old because I was not acting like a 17 year old when I was 17. I was, I was, I didn't act like a 17 year old because I was not acting like a 17 year old when I was 17. I was, I didn't act like a 17 year old. I agree with that. I think that's a good, a good range. It's tough for me

because I, I started at 78. So you are, you are to me. Um, I would say, I don't think I'm done. 11. 11. Yeah. How is the vibe of like, this is, this is how I determine it. I'm done. Eleven. Eleven? Yeah. Overall vibe of like, this is how I determine it. I blur my eyes and the way you walk and the way you stand and the way you like sit, it's like really about almost like the physicality. If you were to like blur your eyes and see that person's skeleton shrunk down what size, you know, it's almost like when- So this is more of like a physical thing and not a personality.

It's like physical, like how people's- no, it's like, it's almost like when, um, so this is more of like a physical thing and not a Like how people's no, it's like it's it's the whole vibe but I think an easy way Yeah, body language is a good way to determine like I'm always kind of just like angsty like Like i'm sticking out my hips and i'm crossing my arms and I think that um, that's a great Emily's always kind of like Tucking her hair behind her ears and i'm like she's seven She's squarely seven to nine, like adorable, like and kind of like doing this with her hands and like she hasn't, her body language isn't

the shrunken girl that's ashamed of her body teenager or angry because she doesn't have boobs yet. Like it's still like this kind of like precocious, innocent kind of vibe. Doesn't mean she doesn't have any insecurities and she doesn't, she's not a mature woman. But that's what her essence is. It's like she is kind of frozen there.

Noah, you are, to my assessment, I don't know if this is true. I have a number in my head. Okay, yeah, tell me. Okay, hold on, let me get my number and then we'll say it at the same time. Noah, okay. Okay, I'll go.

Three, two, one, four. Okay. Okay. I'll go. Three, two, one, four. Nine. I said nine. You said four. Did you say four? Four. A meek four. A very mature four. So maybe nine. But still little girl, not angsty, not awkward. So this is definitely all... You're not gonna go over like 25 on this. No, you're never gonna go 18. This is like where you and your adolescence,

like where something kind of traumatic happened and you kind of froze. Well, when I was 11, that's when my, when I realized my parents were divorced. That's when like the actual- Oh, wow. Dude, I nailed it. I thought my parents were together that whole time.

That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And they weren't. So maybe that's when I stopped. Are you really about, do you love or not love, are you very keen to wanting to know what's going on at all times? Like knowing the score because you felt left out of the loop about that and you maybe were like, I would think if I was assessing you, but I don't think this tracks for you

that you wanna know at all times now like, what's happening so that you don't get blindsided again? Yeah, no, that's like my whole thing. It's like I hate, the number one thing that really hurts me is feeling like I'm left out of the loop. About information or like a party? Like an example is the worst case scenario for me is I know someone's

cheating on me and they're not telling me because it's like this thing is happening and then they act like everything's fine or maybe they even act like more positive than normal. And I, because of this, I am, I am, I don't wanna pat myself in the back here, I think I am the number one judge of character in the country, in the continental United States. I can tell if someone's good or bad, and I can sense how someone's feeling instantaneously.

No, I think I could beat you. You could beat me in a contest. I really pride myself on not, not if they're good or bad, but I think you probably have a better sense of that. But I can tell if someone's uncomfortable. Oh, sure. Uncomfortable? Yeah.

I am always on alert for that. That someone is judging someone around me, like someone, because I grew up with being kind of embarrassed of my parents, I think, at times, not any fault of their own, but not wanting people to think ill of my, and just picking up on if someone was gonna shit talk my family. And noticing if someone thought something I said was weird.

Not me. I probably don't pick up on me because I'm like, I'm perfect thought something I said was weird. Not me. I probably don't pick up on me because I'm like, I'm perfect, but like I'm looking up for other people judging my friends or someone judging. Yeah, that kind of thing. Right. Okay. So no, I'm not, we're not even being in court here. That's not, I don't care if anyone's uncomfortable at any time. So that's not, Oh, cause I was going to say, I don't feel like you, I don't think that you're not good at knowing if people are uncomfortable. I think, yeah, that's not. Oh, because I was going to say, I don't feel like you, I don't think that you're not good at knowing if people are uncomfortable.

I think, yeah, that's it's more like you don't really care. Whereas I'm like, I need everyone to be comfortable at all times. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out or feel like they can't leave if they want to. Like even this weekend, we were going to strip or like doing karaoke after the shows. And I was like, I just want to let you all know that you are not required to go to this. It will not affect you opening for me in the future or working for me in the

future. If you do not go to this hang or if you leave early, like I just want to make sure everyone knows that kind of stuff because I know I would hate someone to stay somewhere because they were scared of me. Exactly. I mean, yeah, I don't, the reason why I don't care if people are uncomfortable, not because I don't care, like, oh, if someone's uncomfortable, I just like whatever. It's because I believe that everybody is in charge of themselves. No, that's healthy.

If you're uncomfortable, it's your responsibility to do something to make yourself not uncomfortable. No, it is not. It is my responsibility, Brian. It is my responsibility to make everyone comfortable because people do not stand up for themselves. So it is up to me as an Al-Anon to, if someone doesn't like their food, I need to let them know, hey, I'll say something to the waiter about this food

because I know you're a pussy and I want you to actually enjoy your meal and I don't want you to have to like, I will take the hair out of your food and demand that you eat it, but if you still don't wanna eat it, I will be the one to tell the waiter she doesn't wanna eat this. And like, I will be the one out of food and demand that you eat it, but if you still don't want to eat it, I will be the one to tell the waiter she doesn't want to eat this. And like, I will be the one to tell the pilot, Hey, we have someone on the plane that is

uncomfortable. Um, like, and sometimes the, yeah, the person probably doesn't want me to do that, but I take it upon myself because I feel like I, I'm always like, I think that's sometimes also why people are like, how do you do these roasts? How do you do stand up? How do you speak up? And it's from doing that of being like, I'm going to speak what other people are too scared to because and then they're just going to tough it out and white knuckle it and be uncomfortable because they don't want to ask for another chair, even though this chair hurts and there

is a chair across the room, but that would draw too much attention to themselves. I'll be the one to get them that chair. Yeah. Nikki's really good about that. As someone who has social anxiety, Nikki's always been so cool about that. And you're really the first person to kind of give someone an out.

An out, yes, an out. And yeah, now I will do that too. And I think it's actually very helpful, especially in a setting where you're just kind of like getting to know people until you really, really know how they are. Yeah, just give people like, I mean they don't have to trust you but being able to say to someone like,

it won't affect your standing with me if you go to this or not or if you need to leave this early or if you, if you don't write back to this, like I'll tell Emily, like hey can you give me an answer on this? I'm like, you don't write back to this, like I'll tell Emily like, hey, can you give me an answer on this? I'm like, you don't need to do this tonight. Like it will not affect your life, my life or yours, whether you respond to me, just giving people a little bit of outs, whether they take it or not. I mean, but back to that.

Yeah. So no, where was your core trauma? So I thought, by the way, Noah, Noah, what damaged you the most in your life that you've maybe never spoken about? And are you ready to do it right now? Several things. But I thought the most traumatic was at age seven when I moved to this country and my parents didn't really explain what was happening. But now that I'm thinking about it, I think you're probably right that it was younger

because I didn't know this at all until recently, but my dad would leave for long periods of time. And again, my parents didn't explain anything, they didn't talk about, they didn't think that kids had anxiety, that was not even a thought in their minds, you just go through life, right? And now that I'm thinking about it, you probably are right, it's probably even before seven.

And that's why I have that anxious attachment. About, like, I remember being left with my aunt Lynn, who was a severe alcoholic, and even I knew, like, this is very irresponsible. And they don't know that I've got this, and I'll be okay, because I'm like a smart kid but if I were a parent I would not be leaving me with and thank god my sister has me because she's too young to be in this environment and I'll protect her from it but I remember clocking like

if I ever have kids I'm gonna let them know like uh I'll be back at this time this is where I'm gonna just give them more information than I was given. And maybe I'm talking too much about this because I just got done with an interview about like my comedy process. And so I'm like a little bit in that mindset, but of like this woman is asking me about like,

why I'm motivated to talk about the things I am. And it's just like, I just want people to have all the information because I was not given that as a child. And I think children deserve to be given all the details that they want and not be kept in the dark about things. And I think people, people just think they're like dogs. Like they don't, they don't have the capability to understand so much.

So let's just give them less where I was like, where are we going? How long is it going to take there? Why is this car going so fast? What, why do we change lanes so much? Why are we, like, I wanted all the information. I wasn't given it, so I think that's why now I just, I try to, like, in my standup, give all the information about things

that are kind of, like, shielded from me as a kid. But it's a double-edged sword as a parent because, you know, you could tell your child all this information. You could say, I'm gonna be home at four, specifically. And then if you're home at 4 15, that's a betrayal. Well, no, you say around four. Now give or take a little bit.

What if you got stuck in traffic and you're home at 5 30? And they're like, you're coming back. Just tell me you're coming back. No, I don't like that. Okay, I will be back. I don't like when people say, when I see on like movies and stuff where the parent goes, I will never leave you. I will always be back. I don't like when people say, when I see on like movies and stuff where the parent goes, I will never leave you.

I will always come back. Because what if you don't, that kid's fucked up and will never trust the rest of their lives. Like nothing's guaranteed. I don't even know what you're supposed to say, but I just find that every time I hear that, I'm always like, she's gonna die.

Like I just like, I don't like that. Well it's in a movie, yeah. Whenever that happens, I knock on wood in real life. Like if I'm, if movie, yeah. I mean, whenever that happens, I knock on wood in real life. Like if I'm, if I, if even someone says, I'll see you later, I'll add, hopefully, just to cover my bases. Yeah. Then I'll knock on wood and then I'll do three circles.

Have you ever looked into the night sky and wondered who or what was flying around up there? and wondered who or what was flying around up there. We've seen planes, helicopters, hot air balloons, and birds. But what if there's something else, something much more ominous, that appears under the cover of night, silent, unseen, watching? They may be right above your car late one night as you cruise down the road, or look like mysterious lights hovering above your car late one night as you cruise down the road or look like mysterious lights

hovering above your home drones or are they Do you feel like this drone was targeting you specifically? Yes, absolutely. Listen to Obscurum, Invasion of the Drones on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The more better the merrier, title of your podcast.

All your old Brooklyn Nine-Nine friends are appearing on your favorite podcast, More Better. Don't miss Brooklyn Nine-Nine stars and show hosts Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero as they welcome their friends and former castmates back to laugh about old times and swap some stories. This week, it's Gina Linetti herself, the talented Chelsea Peretti. Remember when we were in that scene where you guys were just supposed to hug and I was standing there? Oh yeah!

I was like, can I also hug them? Then next week, the 9-9 nonsense continues as the more better amigas sit down with Joe Lattrullio, aka Detective Charles Boyle. There'll be more laughs, more conversation, more stories from the set, and more, more better. Don't miss a minute. You felt safe enough to throw out a bad idea, right? I mean, that is the key because you're definitely not throwing out good ideas all the time.

I mean, that's just not how it works. Listen to more better with Stephanie and Melissa on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember what you said the first night I came over here? How goes lower? I met Santi at a luau party in October. I'm Santi. Damien.

Oh, it was bizarre. The guy just disappeared one day. Santi has been missing ever since. The hookup. What is that? I'm solving a mystery through sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now? Like, no matter how hard I try, all roads lead to the hookup. You think it's causing people to turn aggro? I'm gonna rip your arms off and use them to- Yeah, that's a word for it.

This is such terrible representation, I'm so sorry. Poppers? These aren't just any poppers. Mama always used to say, God gave me gumption in place of a gag reflex. No, not my psychiatrist didn't laugh at that one either. ["I Heart Radio App"] Listen to the hookup on the I Heart Radio App,

Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse, and so many commercials about back pain. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get Ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest true escape stories in history.

Each week, I'll be sitting down with some of the most hilarious actors and writers and comedians to tell them a buckwild tale from across history and time. People like Ed Helms, Diane Guerrero, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Zoe Chao. Titanic. Charles Manson. Alcatraz. Sara Shakur. The sketchy guy named Steve.

It's giving funny true crime. I love storytelling and I love you, so I can't wait. Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And I love you, so I can't wait. Listen and subscribe to Greatest Escapes on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Speaking of White Lotus, first episode, did you catch when the girl with the tea- Wait, I didn't watch it yet, I didn't watch it yet.

It's not a spoiler really. Well no, it's less of a spoiler and more like, I'm not gonna be able to respond to you in an educated way. Have you watched it, Noah? No. Here's what I'll say about it, so I'll just talk to two people who haven't seen it. I love The White Lotus.

Thank you so much to Mike White for creating this fucked up show that is like a murder mystery, just with a cast of characters that has people coming in and out, you recognize characters, they don't always get all brought back. It's always in a different setting. It is a gift that we have gotten the White Lotus. It is a cultural gift because also,

you don't get them all dumped at the same time. They're parsed out week by week like old time TV. It reminds me, I can place myself with, you know, White Lotus season one, White Lotus season two. It was like these benchmarks of the COVID, where we were all kind of, it was a timeline. It wasn't just one weekend where you binged them all, at least for me, I watched through weeks.

This is going to be spring, summer 2025 for me, is White Lotus three, and it's gonna be a moment. And thank you, Mike White, for talking, for putting in premises within these characters and the plot that are so fucked up. And you're like, there's no way he's going here with this. Like there is some stuff this season that is a brewing that I'm like, no one touches this.

Pornhub touches this, no one else does. Like it is, it's getting in, like if you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. There was a scene with two brothers that I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? This is so weird. And it is awesome because it is so weird.

It's so fucked up that like, I would think most studio executives would be like, we're not allowing this storyline. Like what is going on here? But it's happening and it's crazy and it's something like I've never seen before in something. And I just love all the characters. I just love this.

It's like reading a book. I love White Lotus and I always forget how much I love it in the interim. And then the refractory period's over and I am ready to come again. Like I am so fucking pumped for White Lotus. It is giving me a joie de vivre. It is like, it's honestly, I'm looking so forward

to every Sunday now. Thank you so much for giving us fucking Destination Television again. You've been missing this since the session ended. That's what you guys were saying. And Destination in the sense that I wanna go to fucking Thailand now. And am I obsessed with the song that is playing in the first episode of

White Lotus that I heard a million times because our HBO was lagging. So we had to keep going. You know, when you like buffer it, you keep going back and you have to watch the same scene over and over. There is this song by a group. I know it's it's really was it was written in Thai, like the language. Like, I can't even tell you what the name of the song is, but it is so good.

And I posted on my story the other day. Let me just pull it up. It's on my Spotify right now. I'm not gonna play it. But it is- White Lotus is, it's amazing. And as you know, it's so incredibly well written. Oh, it is.

I mean, the writing is amazing. The characters are amazing. Mike White is one of the best writers. Ever. Alive. Yeah and it really is great. I wanna meet him so badly. Thank God there are things like that.

And you know he wrote School of Rock. I know. He also wrote Enlightened with Laura Dern which was such a weird cool show. He also is a vegan and I just saw a quote from him the other day that was like, I don't know, one day I just realized my dog kind of looked like a pig, and I was just like, I can't eat pigs again.

And I'm just like, fuck yes, Mike White makes it so simple. He just is, I just want to shake his hand someday. He just is, he's someone that I, it's fun to realize there's someone you haven't met yet that you probably will get to cross paths with that you get to like kind of fangirl out over. And he's one of those people that I'm just realizing like has brought me so much joy.

Do you know that he's on Survivor? No. He was like such a fan of the show Survivor that he got cast on it because sometimes they cast celebrity fans. I think a couple of seasons ago. And I think he was really good at it. I really want to go back and watch his season because I'm just fascinated by him

He is he's so cool, but there's there is in the white lotus episode one Everyone needs to watch this show I it's not really an option and I don't care if you're not watching it and then you feel left out You just need to get on board You need to find someone with an HBO password to share it with you and and watch together, but um someone with an HBO password to share it with you and watch together. But there is a girls trip that's going on and it's very interesting because one of the girls is a famous actress and the other two are like, it's kind of giving girls chat, but like a dysfunctional girls chat because there's three girls. I wish there were more because I think they could do more

interesting things with dynamics, but they have too many characters on the show. I understand why there are not more, but one of them's a famous actress, one of them is married to a billionaire, and one of them is, we don't know what's going on with her, but they keep the two girls that are killing it keep complimenting each other, and then they'll turn to the third girl and go, and you, your life is so hard.

And this haunt is- Yeah, I saw that meme. It's so funny. Everything you do is so hard. Everything you do is so hard. Yeah, I saw that meme. It's so funny. Everything you do is so hard. Everything you do is so hard. And your daughter, she's, oh, she's just really growing up. Like they just keep tossing her these nothing things. She gets older every day.

Incredible, understated jokes, character driven. There's gonna be some really funny, fun things to play out. And Parker Posey, I love her so much. I, in fact, I just to get, I saw her talking on a red carpet and I was just so intrigued by the way she talks and like what an artist she is in terms of like, I don't know. I don't, I don't always respect the art of acting. No offense to actors. I just don't care. Most of the time It just feels like, okay, good job. But people like Ralph Fiennes make me go,

whoa, that's acting. And then people like Parker fucking Posey blow my mind. And I know, I'm a little bit like, I don't know. It's like with napping, some people get it, some people don't. Acting doesn't blow me away most of the time, but Parker Posey is so nuanced and so incredible. And I went back and I downloaded, or I rented Best in Show me away most of the time, but Parker Posey is so nuanced and so incredible.

And I went back and I downloaded or I rented Best in Show just so I could watch her and she is spectacular. She is so good on Best in Show and she was so young and she just is playing this character who works at the Dairy Queen and she just plays the small town girl who's kind of like jaded but like lost so well, she is her. Sorry, not best in show, Waiting for Guffman. Waiting for Guffman. Which used to be my favorite movie in high school

and I forgot why and so I went back and rented it and I was reminded. It's a little bit like comedy's age in a way that you're like, oh, this is a little bit slower than I'm used to now. I need things a little bit more. Comedy was slow. Peacier.

You know, I was, well, I think you appreciate acting more. When you really can appreciate acting is when you're watching a good, an okay to good movie, and people are acting in it well, and then there's one person who's not good at acting. Yeah. And it's just like, I was watching a movie this weekend, and I'm not gonna say which one,

but, because this person was so bad in it, it was like unbelievable. And every time this person had a scene, me and my wife, we would just start laughing. It was so bad. It was like, how is it possible they made it through all of these levels to get here, to be doing a scene with this person

who was one of the most famous best actors of all time. Is this someone we know? No, no one knows this person. Oh, really? Okay. How did this happen? That's nice of you to do that then because they have an upcoming career.

Maybe. I mean, it's just wild. I had to turn off the movie recently because the acting was, I mean, I was, I didn't even want to see the movie. I read the book and then I was like, I don't know. Like I heard about the movie and I go, I don't even really want to see this because it just, I heard that like some of the parts of the book didn't make

it and I was like, those are my favorite parts. So I was like, I don't even want to see it. Then there was a lot of news about this movie. And I was like, okay, now I just want to like see what was the movie behind this thing. And I was very intrigued to watch it, and I literally had to turn it off in the first scene because the acting was making me feel so awkward.

And I cannot believe the other story about this movie is taking over the story, what should be being talked about, which is the acting is unwatchable. And I am not even that good of an actress, and I am so sorry, but I was like, what is going on here? Maybe I have to stick it out. Maybe I, and maybe-

It's like an abusive relationship. Sometimes you just gotta stick it out and you sit with it longer than you should. But I also don't know that I am good at telling what good acting is. I really, I don't think I'm like someone who should be a critic, even though I was voted most likely to be Siskel and Ebert in eighth grade.

Don't you ever forget it. Final thought. I, yeah. The other thing, just to close the loop on this, sorry to interrupt the final thought. Please close the loop. Is that sometimes it happens in reverse, where you're watching a movie and everyone in it is bad at acting except one person.

And then someone comes. Yeah. And you're like, and then even though they're the good actor, they seem out of place because they're acting well in a world where everyone's acting poorly. And this happened in the last Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World, I don't know, on Knife's Edge or whatever it was called, that came out a few years ago. The acting in it was horrible, except for Laura Dern, who was so good that she seemed like she was a bad actor.

Because when the dinosaurs would come and they'd be attacking people, all the actors would be like, oh no, a dinosaur. And then she'd be like screaming like someone was gonna eat her. Oh my God. And it made her seem like she was bad. Even though she's acting right. When someone's able to scream

like a really traumatic thing is happening and nail it, I'll never, ever forget Gwyneth Paltrow in the movie Bounce finding out her husband died in a plane crash and it's just a scene shot through a window and her collapsing and wailing is so fucking real and I just remember being like that is acting. Also Romeo and Juliet when Juliet Claire Danes realizes that Leo is dead. Sorry, spoiler alert. Something that has been out for centuries. Yeah. I haven't read Romeo and Juliet. How long has that been out?

So yeah, I mean, I would guess, let me, okay, let me just show you how dumb I am. Let me show you how, let's guess how dumb I am. I am guessing Shakespeare was, okay, my life is riding on this, okay? Let me just pretend there's a fucking gun to my head and if I don't get it within a hundred years, I'm gonna get shot.

Okay, here we go. Okay, 100 years. Oh God. Oh God. Okay, I am going to guess 1659. Not bad. You're almost 100 years off.

No! Is it within 100 years though? Wait, no. Hold on, you're within. You didn't're you're almost 100 years off Yeah, you're within yeah To me that's a huge huge That's a success. I got it right. Yeah, what is it? 1715 30 the late like 1590s I was gonna say 1490 like I was gonna say around Columbus sailed the ocean blue and then I went okay 1659 okay, it was around 15 what in the 1590s? I think he wrote most of this. Did you know that off the top? I knew I knew you know, I'm guessing it's the round. Why do you know that? How did you know that? I just remember when you learned that

When did I mean I definitely learned it but I, but I usually remember when I like cement knowledge, and right now is when I'm cementing Shakespeare's 1590s. Let me see, when was Romeo and Juliet written? They said between 1591 to 1597. That's a really long time. I know, isn't that crazy? They didn't know shit. They don't even know if he's the one who wrote this shit.

Okay, I was within 65 years, that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah know shit. They don't even know if he's the one who wrote this shit. Okay, I was with him 65 years. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, you got in it. You did it. You didn't get shot in the head. Thank fucking God, because that could've been really embarrassing. Once again, Nicky avoids getting shot in the head. It's amazing.

Yeah, that's good. I avoid it every day, living in the neighborhood. We all do. Same with him. What I was gonna say, oh, can I just say, recommend a couple other things to watch? Final thought. Yeah. What I was gonna say, oh, can I just say, recommend a couple other things to watch? Final thought.

Yeah. The new Gabby Petito documentary about that murder is pretty good. They do it in three semi-short episodes. I don't feel like they were all hour long, they might be. But Netflix is a way of kind of like really stretching out the details. That one really held my attention.

It's well done, very tragic, but has tons of footage because she took a lot of footage. And I- Yeah, she was an influencer. Yeah, and I also want her best friend on the show that is seen throughout it, who she met on Bumble when she moved to Florida because that idiot pulled her away from her family

and moved her to Florida and then she was looking for friends. So she went on Bumble when she moved to Florida because that idiot pulled her away from her family and moved her to Florida and then she was looking for friends so she went on Bumble and found a best friend. That girl should be on White Lotus. She is a fascinating character. I want her to be famous. She is so cool and she seems like she was cast. She's so good. So that is very, I watched all three episodes last night.

That was great. And then I'm obsessed with a new comedian. It's not a new comedian but I'm obsessed. There's a comedian I'm obsessed with a new comedian. He's not a new comedian, but I'm obsessed, there's a comedian I'm obsessed with. And I can't stop watching clips, and I think I've consumed every single thing he's put out in his like 10 year YouTube career within a couple of days, and that comedian is Chris Fleming. I've known about him for a while, but I am,

he's awesome. Thank you for turning me on about him for a while. But I am- He's awesome. Literally obsessed. Thank you for turning me on to him. It's as if, it's like, it's, it's really hard for me to laugh out loud at things and I am constantly cackling in bed listening to his stuff. I crave every new clip that comes up.

One just came up yesterday about, he's like talking about about he has a sixth sense for when a restaurant is owned by brothers. Oh, yes. Because there's always a brother that goes to Austin and is like, people love breakfast burritos. I can do that side of things. You do the menus.

It's always like these, you have a passion for marketing. And it's like, he, and then he like these, like you have a passion for marketing and it's like he, and then he just goes, what is going on with brothers? And he just talks about like the relationship of brothers, the tone that they have with each other is like this, you just have to watch it. Chris Fleming with one M for Chris Fleming.

He is, I just, I was like telling Chris, I'm like, I found my new favorite comedian. I wrote Chris and I'm like, I found my new favorite comedian. I wrote Chris and I'm like, you are literally my favorite comedian that has ever been. You're on my Mount Rushmore. I'm obsessed. I can't, I'm gonna try to go see him at Largo coming up. It's just fun to find someone new that you're obsessed with.

I love being obsessed with artists, as everyone knows. And he's my new obsession. He is so fucking funny. He writes in such a specific way. He is a poet. He has great style. Great style, but I love that it's not the joke. You know what I mean?

He dresses like a, he dresses like disco, 70s, kind of almost feminine sometimes. He's like a really- He does like a rock, like a 70s, almost feminine sometimes. He's like a really... He does like a 70s rockstar. Yeah, like Iggy's... Who's... What is David Bowie's alter ego?

Ziggy Stardust. Ziggy Stardust? Yeah, it's kind of like onesies, sequined onesies. He has impeccable style, but it's not the joke. He just is who he is is and he's not making jokes about his outfit. You would initially see him and be like, oh, this guy is like, that's the joke, right? But it isn't.

That's just who he is at his core. He's a just true artist. And he even talks shit, he didn't talk shit, but he definitely made fun of me in one of his specials. And this was my first time ever even hearing about him. Someone was like. Like being trapped? Yeah, he was, someone goes like,

oh, Kirsten was like, you know that you are in, mentioned in Chris Fleming's newest special. It's on Peacock right now. I forget what it's called. But he, there's like a sketch at the beginning where, I actually, that is the one special I haven't seen of his. I'm like kind of leaving some things, cause kind of leaving some things because I literally started watching him when I was on my travel day last week on Wednesday.

And it took so long to get across the country. I watched literally four hours of this stuff and I keep like parsing it out now. But his new special is called Hell Hell. OK, that's the special where at the beginning there's a sketch and I kind of watched it out of context because people are just sending me the clip. But from what I remember, there's something that's going on where he can't perform and the venue is like, well, we still have this venue rented.

We got to put on some kind of show here. And then his like agent is on the phone and he goes, she goes, okay, maybe we can do Nikki Glazer special. I think she's ready to tape Two in the Pink. But I deserve it because I have talked a lot about sex and it's like, you could like whittle down my special to just like Two in the Pink for sure. And I actually appreciated it.

But he like, then I saw him on- It's more than just the vagina. I mean, you also talk about ass stuff. Yeah, yes, exactly. I'm so much more than that. And the taint, everything in between. Yeah. And I'm going, yeah, I'm so much more than that. And the taint, everything in between. Yeah. And I'm going, yeah, I'm going up and I'm doing like the clit now.

You've moved up the clit, you've expanded your range. It's really what it is. So, yeah, FUPA is my next special. So that'll be exciting. We never thought you'd get to FUPA, but it's amazing to see how much you've grown. It's like my FUBU. It's for me, by me. Yeah, it's for me by me. FUBU is dead anyway. All right. No, it's not dead.

No, I was packing one today. Sometimes like when you're about to be on your period, that that area just like inflates to get ready to carry a baby that you are not going to carry. And then your body punishes you with cramps for not giving Jesus another son or whatever. So anyway, Chris, I didn't even care. Make fun of me all you want because he makes fun of everyone and I kind of like it. He's kind of like trolling everyone

because he's just telling the truth. He's making observations. I appreciate someone who's not scared to call out when something's lame or when someone's doing something that's kind of you know mockable and he's not ever trying to climb by like not mentioning certain people's names like everyone is fair to get called out and If I want in my artists I want someone who is fearless in that way and if that puts me in the line of fire

so fucking be it like I still love him and and You know I and then it also made me go Hey, I don't want to be that person that that joke can be made like that about like I need to be better and maybe You know and this was already something that I wanted to do prior to hearing that joke But like I hope that that joke doesn't work in years to come. And I don't think it would work now for me. My act is not really about sex anymore.

But he is just incredible. And I just think everyone should follow him. And I don't know why he isn't like the biggest comedian working today. Like he has a presence on stage that is reminiscent of like, I don't know, just like an arena comic. Like he's incredible and such a great writer. You've known about him for a while, Brian.

This is a tale, I mean, I don't know him personally, but this is a tale as old as time. There's a reason why he's not the most famous comic is because the public is too dumb to- I would agree. For a comic like him to be the most famous is impossible. But no, I would not, listen, I don't know that he has aspirations to be the most famous and that he wouldn't be, I don't think he'd be offended if we were to say that he's just

out of reach for some people, but I don't know him, but I will say that I think, I don't know, he definitely is more intellectual than me. I have to look up words all the time that he uses. I learned the word spoonerism the other day, which was so funny because he was just saying that, who would he say? He was saying something about, wait, wait, don't tell me that show on NPR, how these people are killing with these boomers and these boomers are losing their minds. Have you ever heard that show? The roof is blown off the place because they're laughing so hard at spoonerisms and I didn't know what it was. So I looked it up and a spoonerism is like, um, uh, Gickey and the laser is just

changing the first part of like switching the consonants. Yeah. Kind of. It's like some kind of type. Yeah. What's the one where you get pulled over and you're like, I wasn't, you called the officer or something else. What is it? Do you know what I'm saying? No.

What's the problem? I forget. There's this, like, it just proves the person's drunk because they say something instead of officer. What's the officer problem? Yes. Thank you. I think that could be, maybe that's not Spoonerism, but like it just, I've looked up a ton of words that he taught me and I didn't retain most of them.

I've never heard of Spoonerism. I like someone who's like challenging me to go and I have to constantly rewind to be like, I missed that because it was so quick. Like it feels like a 30 rock, it feels like Veep. Like it feels like I'm being challenged to be smarter. It's like, it's really, I had to retrain myself to not do a spoonerism in fact, because for my whole life I had trouble saying coin toss. I would say towing costs all the time.

That's like what my brain. And so it took me like a couple of years of saying that very slowly in order to say coin toss correctly. It's like me with take for granted. I always wanna say granite because I know one of them's wrong and I wanna say the right one and I always choose the wrong one. Yeah, sometimes smart people do dumb things,

but anyway, check out those things. I have a list of spoonerisms and I will read you the spoonerism and you tell me what the actual thing is. Okay. You ready? Yeah. All right. All right, here, I am belly jeans. Belly jeans? You were saying I am belly jeans?

No, no, forget about I am. That was me just saying I am. Jelly beans. Jelly beans, that's correct. Well, yeah, these aren't gonna be hard, Brian, because I'm just gonna switch the first word Sometimes they're hard. Okay. Okay. I just don't me a well-boiled icicle

Okay, I don't know what this is. Well, tell me the answer a Well-boiled icicle. Oh a well-oiled bicycle. Oh Okay. Wow. You see it's like it's almost like a real fortune. Yes. Yeah told you to be fun Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, these are harder. Oh, what confidence I spoke with that this was gonna be a lame game. This is fun. Is the bean dizzy? This one's impossible. Is the dean busy? Yeah, is the dean busy?

That's not even a real thing. I mean, who's saying that? Is the dean busy? We gotta go. A person that needs to go and talk to the dean about some hijinks that are going on on campus because we gotta get this frat thrown out. That's the only time I ever see the dean is when like a frat on campus is in trouble.

Right? Yeah. No. Yeah. Or in a Bud Light Shane Gillis commercial. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

I do like that commercial where they count down. They're like, oh, we can't drink on camera. Yeah. Exactly. I do like that commercial where they count down. They're like, oh, we can't drink on camera. Yeah. No, all the Bud Light Shane Gillis commercials have been great. Yeah. You know what? The other one I really love is the one with George Kittle. Have you seen that? Yes. And then at the very end, the guy goes, thanks, George Kittle. And he goes, no, call me George Kittle. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah. Classic. That's good. That's good. All right, we're gonna go. We're, girl wanna go. Whoa. Girl wanna whoa.

Thank you guys for listening to the podcast. And we learned a lot today. We will be back next week. I'll be in Boston all week. The only show that is not sold out out of my six Boston shows is a Sunday night 9.30. So get on that if you're in the Boston area. That one is going to be a triumphant one

because it will be the end of the run. I will have the new found energy. I will be as practiced as I possibly could be. I think that's gonna be the best show of the week. And there's still tickets available if you wanna come see me at the Wang Theater, nickyglazer.com. So many tour dates being added.

So many, you know, you know where to find it. Nickyglazer.com. Thank you for listening. We will see you next week on the show. Don't be coo, bye. The Nikki Glaser podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser.

Co-hosted by Brian Frangy. Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lien and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton. And music, by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube.

Follow at Nikki Glaser pod and subscribe to our channel. What would you do if mysterious drones appeared over your hometown? I started asking questions. What do you remember happening on that night of December 16th? It actually rotated around our house, looking as if it was peering in each window of our home. I'm Gabe Linners from Imagine, I Heart Podcasts

and Linners Entertainment. Listen to Obscura, Invasion of the Drones, wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Hey, Brooklyn Nine Niners, it's a reunion. The ladies of the Nine Nine are getting back together for a special episode of the podcast, More Better. Host Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero welcome friend and former castmate, Chelsea Ferretti.

Remember when we were in that scene where you guys were just supposed to hug and I was standing there? Oh yeah. I was like hug and I was standing there? Oh, yeah! I was like, can I also hug them? Listen to More Better with Stephanie and Melissa on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow More Better and start listening

on the free iHeart radio app today. Black History Month is here, and we're excited to kick off season four of I Didn't Know, Maybe You Didn't Either. This season we're shining a spotlight on revolutionary women who redefined excellence. Give Grace Wisher her flowers. Next time you see the American flag, you just remember a 16-year-old black woman helped to make it happen. Listen to I Didn't Know, Maybe You Didn't Either from the Black Effect Podcast Network

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or simply wherever you get your podcasts. Hey man, what are you into? I have the hookup. The hookup? The hookup for what? I'm solving a mystery through sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now?

Poppers? Why are there so many poppers? All roads lead to... The hookup. You think it's causing people to turn aggro? I'm gonna rip poppers? All roads lead to... The hookup. You think it's causing people to turn aggro? I'm gonna rip your arms off and use them to- Yeah, that's a word for it. Listen to The Hookup on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to

your favorite shows.