The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #513 Food Noise, Achieving Greatness & The 72 Hour Hummus

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

Nikki has noticed that Sean is calmer on planes. Could it be that the chill pill is working? She had plans to rap on her birthday, but now she’s kinda doubting her progress on "Rap God." Brian had a dream about making some big argument on Fox News about DOGE. Nikki’s super curious about everyone’s food noises and habits. They’re all obsessed with Timothée Chalamet’s SAG speech. Tbh, sometimes comedy just doesn’t age well, and apparently neither do FAA rules. In the Final Thought, they chat about the infamous 72-hour hummus. Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram: @NikkiGlaserPod Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange More Nikki: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey y'all, I'm Maria Fernanda Diaz. When You're Invisible is my love letter to the working class people and immigrants who shaped me. Season 2 shares stories about community and being underestimated. All the greatest changes have happened when a couple of people said, this sucks, let's do something about it. We get paid to serve you, but we're made out of the same things. It's rare to have black male teachers. Sometimes I am the testament.

Listen to When You're Invisible on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Arturo Castro, and I've been lucky enough to do stuff like Broad City and Narcos and Roadhouse. And now I'm starting a podcast because honestly, guys, I don't feel the space is crowded enough. Get ready for Greatest Escapes, a new comedy podcast about the wildest

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or your money back. Cancellation Island's revolutionary rehab therapies like Bad Touch Football, Anti-Racism Spin Class, and mandatory Ayahuasca ceremonies are designed to force the cancel to confront their worst impulses. But everything starts to fall apart when people start disappearing.

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From Blumhouse TV, iHeart Podcasts, and Ember 20 comes an all new fictional comedy podcast series. Join the flighty Damien Hirst as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi. And what's the way to find a missing person? Sleep with everyone he knew, obviously.

Listen to The Hook Up on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The Nikki Glaser podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, The Nikki Glaser podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Coming at you. I'm live in St. Louis.

Here with us is Noah, Brian, Sean O'Connor. How are you guys doing today? Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great.

Didn't you see Sean a lot this weekend? I did. I know how he's doing, unless things drastically changed yesterday. Sean is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, Great great great Sean a lot this weekend. I did I know how he's doing unless things drastically changed yesterday Sean is over his fear of flying nice. What's not over it, but it's like it's it's it's getting a lot better Yeah commercial flight. I love it. Yeah I love the chill pill. I'm not on it right now. But like, do you like you're using it a lot, though, right?

Like the little device that shocks your hand. We talked about it last week in case you missed it. It's like this little thing that Emily turned us on to that she got from Rosie O'Donnell's tick tock that it's like you hold in your hand. It's a little key fob and it shocks your hand for 20 minutes like, Beep, beep, beep, beep. And and it like lessens your anxiety and it fucking works. It really does. I've been using it nonstop. It is helping me in every interaction I have.

Yeah, I almost I think I'm going to start bringing it on stage. I think it's I just want to try it once. What was I doing yesterday? I was practicing Yesterday I was practicing rapping, you know, and memorizing this rap that I'm working on. And I was like really out of breath. Rap takes like so much breath control that even singing doesn't, like it's just so exhausting and you think that you know a rap because you're just mouthing the lyrics to it, but like you don't understand that you're not saying it and putting inflection and it's so hard to do. And I don't know if on my birthday,

I'm gonna be able to debut the rap song that I've been memorizing that I can because it's way harder than I thought. But then I did the chill pill and I was able to do it. I mean, isn't it the same song that you've been trying to memorize? Oh yeah, did I try one? Yeah, rap God.

I like, I'm talking. What do you mean you do? We've been talking about this for a while. I talk about it in everywhere. Okay, okay, sorry. I forgot that I talked about it so much I'm here. I don't know what I don't say on here and what I do say on here. Yeah, sometimes I shouldn't say it on there. I should just keep it to myself and then I'm like, yeah

The Nikki that is like smart probably wouldn't have talked about on a broadcast. So let's like be that I'm not harboring anything. I'm not like trying to keep secrets I just feel like I shouldn't share everything but I do anyway So yeah, I was practicing rap god yesterday and I'm getting really good But like I thought I was really good because I'm mouthing it on a treadmill and I can mouth it all but that does not Mean I'm saying it and it is I'm literally like out of breath the entire time Like it is it went from being I thought a B plus like I'm ready to do this to a D Minus like I cannot say it.

Like, when given the chance to say it out loud, it is... So it's one thing to be able to mouth it. Good job. Okay, I memorized all the words and I can say them really fast, but I literally can't say them. I can't like make the sounds. Is it breath control, you think? Yes.

Yes. Yeah. I think what you need to do is you have to get like prosthetics and do like undercover karaoke and Just practice it a few times where it's not you doing it like you go up from my Rapper yeah, like I'm Sheila like like they Name that's so weird and like when I used to go to bars I would with the guy I didn't like I would say my name was Sheila. That's so crazy that you picked that Is it because no one wants to fuck a Sheila?

I think Sheila is actually who I wanted to be. I love the name Sheila because I think it's like an 80s girl that's like a badass who you wouldn't fuck with. Yeah, don't fuck with Sheila. Yeah, you wanna fuck Sheila, but Sheila's never gonna fuck you. Like, she's too cool. She's got a lot going on. She has like a... She's got a studded leather jacket and she's smoking cigarettes outside the bar. Yeah, it's a little bit... It's giving... What's her name from Saved by the Bell, Tori.

Tori. Yeah. Is it Tori? Yeah, Tori. Tori was the leather jacket one. She's kind of butch. Gay. Yeah.

Definitely a gay woman. Sheila is, she's like lesbian coded a little bit in my head. Yes. And so she doesn't have time for men's business. So like when I would bust out. Yeah, my name's Sheila. I felt like they would take the hint and leave me alone. But no, so yeah, it's it's breath control.

And I even saved some kind of like there was some story that came across my Instagram up talking about it was like a vocal coach that was dissecting Kendrick Lamar's performance at the Super Bowl and saying that it was a masterclass in breath control. And I saved it. You know when you see a video and you're like, I could learn something from this and then you save it and you never go watch it. Never look at it.

Everything I do. I did do a workout from TikTok or from Instagram Reels the other day. I did it and I felt so much better. And I actually saved a video and I went back and found it and did it. Amazing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah long

It was like it's it's like almost like it was a yoga stretch thing for my posterior pelvic tilt I finally found a thing that was like actually offering good stretches for it And it definitely gave me that little slope that you get right before your butt Like my back like was hurting because it was like the the vertebrae were moving in a way that hasn't happened before. But it were really sexual exercises, because it's just a bunch of like, it's like twerking, slow twerking in different positions. Right, not something you'd want to do in a public gym.

But I did, because I'm like, fuck it, I don't care. I don't want to do this alone. Almost part of it is like I only work out if there's people around making me feel like they're like I'm accountable. So I'm not going to like miss out on that and do a worse workout because I feel like I'm turning people on and I kind of did in the corner but um but it definitely was sexual. You're just like humping in the corner. Yeah, definitely.

Like what is she doing over there? Yeah, like just slowly catcowing in different positions. Looking at your phone, humping in the corner. That is what your cat does. So it is a perfect position for her. Yes, yes. It was, but yeah, I was proud of myself for actually... Do you guys save stuff constantly that you don't watch? Do you ever send a video? This is a thing I maybe wanted to do on stage, but sometimes I'll see a video that's like a Republic is that is threatened and here's why and it's like gonna break it down

and I'm like, I don't feel like watching this, but I know it's important. So I'll send it to someone who like will watch it. Do you ever do that? Yeah, I definitely, I think I've done it to you. Like I'll watch three, four, so I'm'm like this is going where I think it's going And like I've seen enough that why you sent me that 45 minute video about zebras No, I probably would have watched no Zebras are threatened. I can't but but yeah, like, you know, it's just breaking down about how

the you know SAID is being dismantled, stuff like that that I'm like, I don't need all the details, I'm never gonna retain all this, but here's someone that would. I have a dream of being, sometimes I think of the perfect counter argument

for something and then you just wanna- You said that in the same cadence. It was really Martin Luther King and his wife. I know we're always comparing Brian to Martin Luther King, but, I know we're always like why airing no, but I'm Martin Luther King Yeah, I'm we were right. It was true I mean I had a dream today and I was that I thought of this perfect counter argument for That you could go on Fox News and say and it's like undeniable But I'll never get the opportunity to go on Fox News and it's so rare that you have just like this perfect counter argument

It's like oh really it's against the USAID thing. So everyone's saying like, oh, to get rid of USAID is like great for the country because you're lowering wasteful spending and they were spending money on so much bullshit and all that. And I think that the Republican Party is vastly misunderstanding the purpose of USAID or giving aid to other countries. And it's not, it's not that we're trying to be these like generous benefactors and be considered like these amazing saviors of the of the of the world. You know how the mafia gets its power? How does the mafia get its power? The mafia gets its power because there are people in a community who need money and you

are there because society or the government structures have let them down and you are there to provide businesses, to provide people with resources. And once you provide them with those resources, then they owe you something. And then they're reliant on you for something. It's the same way Al-Qaeda, it's the same way ISIS gets their power. The first thing Al-Qaeda and ISIS does

is they go into needy communities and they give them food, they give them protection, they give them medicine, so that the good will for the- It's a way to control. Exactly. So America isn't going into African countries and giving people aid because... And the goodness of their hearts. No, they're doing it because it's preventing other countries or other organizations from doing the same thing and winning the propaganda war. It's for our own self-defense that we

provide these services and... Yeah, because God forbid we just be kind because that would be so stupid. Exactly. Well, it would be a waste of money to just be kind. Now, the only time it is good to be kind is if you're vaccinating people across the world so you can avoid another pandemic. Did you hear about the new disease that's in the Congo? Oh my God. Some toddlers ate a bat carcass and now they, like 54 people have died from this illness

that kills you like within hours and it's like really bad and it's new. I was reading about it today and it was on the Washington Post and then I went to the comments just to see, you know, just to make myself angry. And one of the comments was like, why are people eating bat carcasses?

Stop it. And I just, I couldn't help myself. I go, oh yeah, I'm sure these toddlers in the Congo just turned down every other kind of food and chose the bat carcass. I'm sure that in lieu of going to Walmart and stocking up on Dunkaroos, these kids in the Congo loved, just wanted to eat a bat carcass.

They wasn't out of a need or a starvation kind of thing. Like fucking morons. Who thinks anyone eats a bat willingly? I mean, I know there are wet markets where it's like delicacies, but like kids in the Congo aren't eating a bat carcass because it's fun. Ozzy Osbourne fans. Yeah. I do like to think that one of them is a picky eater and he's just like,

no, I only want the bat carcass. Can you imagine little kids being such picky eaters? I mean, I guess I had a joke about that in my special, but like, you know, like, my nephews won't eat anything, you know, like they only want McDonald's, like they can't, they won't touch if something is touching something else or has like a little bit of a green sprig of something on it. It's like, no, like that is all learned behavior because kids are eating bad carcasses to survive. You know, like that.

So would my nephews if they had to. I think that's why we should never have moved away from that guilt trip we put on kids in like the 70s, 80s and 90s of like there are children starving. Yeah, kids in Africa, kids in China, they're starving. You need that, you need that to push through. But then that gives you an eating disorder that you always have to eat all the food on your plate. And then that, cause I just watched a video

about how parents need to stop saying the kids in Africa thing, cause it makes you feel guilt and it makes you eat when you're feeling guilty and it associates those two feelings together. And then you end up overeating when you're feeling guilt in your own life. Something like that. It's all-

The best diet strategy is portion control. Like you can't just look at your plate. You don't have to finish every single thing on your plate and that's the best way to lose weight is to recognize that. Yeah, but how would you do that? I don't even understand not, like I cannot cannot I've said it literally a million times on this podcast rap god that I cannot fathom Leaving behind something on your plate that you were just eating and enjoying and being like no, I'm good

Like how slow do you have to eat that your body is like in in the same in a one serving? You're getting full from it Like that is a slow ass eater like I sometimes, I have a friend that eats really slow and I've counted the chews for like one bite of food cause I've been bored, you know, and I just like, like can see what they're like, see them eating and I've counted like 35 chews for a little bite of food.

And I'm just like, what is this? Like, and I will eat with them just to see how long it takes me. And I'm like, it takes me four, like less. I don't even know if I chew. I'm like a poor gag reflex. Maybe the no, they're just a slow, meticulous, measured, mindful person. And I don't know what that's like.

Yeah, because I have a I have like a pretty like easy to trigger gag reflex, but I am a Hoover with food. And I'm certain I know exactly how I'm going to die is that I'm just going to choke at a restaurant. Have you choked a lot on food because you're eating too fast? Yeah, I've choked on water

because I'm doing that too fast. Yep, me too. Choking on water is easier than the food. I've seen myself just taking a swig of water and then coughing it up like that. Yeah, the wrong pipe or whatever. Hard to choke on food, I think. It's not. I choke on food.

I'll clear my throat three times a week at least. You have that panic of you're gonna die. I'm gonna die where I'm like, oh, like, like. I go, oh, like, and then it comes up and then I'm like, oh my God, this is horrible. I haven't seen you do that, but maybe I'm not tuned in to you. I think I'm better around people who aren't my family.

Like when I'm with my- I just want the food out of the way because it's like, I just see it and I want it to be gone So do I don't have to deal with the pain of like? Should I eat it's I mean food is like a drop. It just I never feel I Never feel comfortable around it. I want it gone So I don't have to deal with it anymore or like or I just want the feeling it gives me

It's so delicious like I get joy while you're eating it? No, I'm not like you sucking on a Kit Kat. I cannot, I just. A big cat. A big, sucking on a big cat. I don't understand like savoring. I tried this weekend. We got these really good sweets,

like vegan sweets that they gave us in Boston and backstage and I literally, like if you wanna bring bring me stuff guys no one ever bring me I just don't eat sugar I don't enjoy cakes I don't enjoy cookies I don't care if they're vegan I just don't like sugar I'm not into it but this weekend I was like I'm gonna just treat myself to a macaron I've never had one of those macaroons. Ah like french? Yeah like they look like little hamburgers but they're all one color yeah yeah French hamburger.

They are fucking amazing. No one people need to be talking more about these. I know they were probably big in like 2011 or something, but they having one of those was enough for me. And I liked that it feels like meringue almost like an empty like there's like it's like a foaminess to it that makes it feel it's pumped with a lot of air. So you don't feel like you're eating this dense thing. But then I did, I did have a,

there was like a cheesecake in a jar and I had just done six shows and I was like, I don't wanna fucking treat myself. And that was so good. And I did, I was able to just eat half of it and not eat the whole thing. Cause it was like, I was really proud of myself. I was like, am I a real woman?

Like there are things I do sometimes where I was like, I was really proud of myself. I was like, am I a real woman? Like there are things I do sometimes where I'm like, I feel so cool. Like when I get a tall latte instead of a venti, when I just do things that are like, I'm just a normal lady that sips on a tall latte. That's all I would want. The only reason I would get a tall is because I've had three ventis in the last hour.

It never occurred to me when people just get one coffee a day and it's a small. Sean, you're a venti guy too. I'm a venti. I need more. I just need, like, I don't know what it is, but I just, even find like when I'm doing like Uber Eats, I kind of always over order.

Like I know that's whenever I give someone a Uber Eats order and I'm like, send it to the group. I always tell people, get as much as you want. Because if I was asked to add to an Uber Eats order that someone else was send it to the group. I always tell people get as much as you want because if I was asked to add to an Uber Eats order that someone else was paying for, I'd be like I guess I can only get an entree instead of two entrees and a salad and a soup. I'm like, I have a scarcity thing

where it's like it's not gonna be enough. Exactly, whenever I'm ordering I'm like, oh man, like I know me. And then like I really, then I'm like, I don't know me. I know. Yeah, I have no idea who I am. It's my biggest problem. Macarons are great. Did you? Yeah. And also macarons are most of the time gluten free in case you are celiac person. That's one of the rare desserts that's like not an ice cream or something that is gluten free. No, you don't like desserts, right? You don't like sweets.

Me? No, me. I'm not really a sugar person, but I have been and my eating habits have definitely changed as a parent because I have no time to eat. So like the pacing of my food, I used to be a moderate eater and now I just like the pacing of my food, I used to be a moderate eater, and now I just like shove everything into my gullet and just eat, eat, eat. And then I get occupied with the baby and stuff. What's your go-to, like I need to eat fast

and I don't have time? What do you have around? I just, like I'm so used to it because I've been doing it for so long that I just shovel everything into my mouth. Like what? Like if you right now were like, had 15 minutes to eat something,

like what would be in your kitchen right now that you would put in your mouth? Probably like a Thai dish or some like, like Pan Asian dish. Would you heat it up? Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. Hot. And is it something that you like ordered before

that's like leftovers or is it something you made over the weekend? Like either, just whatever's in the fridge. Just gets put together on a plate. It's not handfuls of chips, it's not a protein bar. I don't even understand how people don't live on protein bars. Well, also when I'm nursing,

I just have to constantly be eating and drinking water. So yesterday I was sitting there just eating an entire bag of chips. Yeah, I'm definitely putting down some bags of chips on my own. And then I offer like people, like last night I brought skinny pop over to my parents house and my mom had like two handfuls and so it made me feel like I didn't need the whole bag. Yeah. That that's really important.

That's sourced a little bit, a couple of handfuls. Yeah. I'm so disappointed. Like as a kid, I felt like the little bag was always perfect. And now I'm like, I just want to crush. I just want to crush. When it's a plate of food or if it's a bag of food, I just want to like take it down. So it's not there tomorrow.

Oh my god. I like wistfully think about before I had an eating disorder when I would like get a sacked lunch and my mom would just pack like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a handful of chips in a plastic bag, a Capri Sun and apple and like maybe like a Reese's cup or like a little Halloween candy. And that was enough. There was no part of me that was like, this is it. There was no like, what else am I going to get later on? How am I going to finagle more food? It was just like, this is it. There was no like, what else am I going to get later on?

How am I going to finagle more food? It was just like, that was it. And I didn't, I wasn't thinking about it all day because I had already eaten a breakfast in the morning that was adequate and kept me full. Like this life we live in where it's just like, you try to starve yourself and wait to the next meal so that you can be really hungry.

Then you overeat and then you feel bad about overeating. So you try to wait as long as you can before you eat next time. And then again, you be really hungry, then you overeat and then you feel bad about overeating. So you try to wait as long as you can before you eat next time. And then again, you're so hungry and then you overeat. And it's like this, I wish you, I've broken the cycle before, but I tend to like stay in that kind of like overeat, feel sick, feel bad, wait until I'm so hungry

to eat again kind of thing. I never starve myself. Like if I'm hungry, I will always eat. But I will, sometimes I can't even recognize what hunger is, I don't think, because I'm still so fucked up from feeling like, well, I can't possibly eat now. My brain won't even let me,

because I know just 10 hours ago, I ate enough food for a whole day. So that's not gonna, I can't wake up and go like, oh, I'm gonna, you know, eat again. It's just, it's a mind, it's a mind fuck. Yeah, no, it sounds very difficult. I can't even really like, yeah. I don't think you relate.

Like Brian, you don't have a relationship with food like that. Like when people don't have food noise going on, what is your life like? Honestly, I need to know, you need to be accomplishing more in your life. Not just Brian, everyone that doesn't have food noise going on, what is your life like? Honestly, I need to know, you need to be accomplishing more in your life. Not just Brian, everyone that doesn't have food noise. If I'm able to get this much done

with the rattling around of like, what are you gonna eat next? How much did you just eat? What are you sure that everyone is gonna eat with you when you eat next? Because if people don't eat, then you feel bad about eating too much, but they just ate,

so they're not gonna be as hungry as you when you all sit down to eat. So then when you sit down to eat, you're gonna be judging that you're eating too much around them and they're not gonna be, like that is what's going on up here all of the time. All of the time. Chris can't stand it.

It's hell to be married to it. Or we're not married, but be partnered with it. That wasn't a slip by the way. Don't go, Nikki revealed she was married. I keep saying husband, now we're not married. We're not married anymore. To come. It's just sounds. It communicates commitment that we're at that boyfriend does it anyway.

Go on. But I'm always jealous of what when we eat with Brian, because Brian, you'll just like order a soup and be OK. And then I'm like, it's like, yeah, no, I'm like, he can like in between, he'll like be like, he'll like be about to eat some like a spoonful of soup and then he'll put it down and go. Actually, I was thinking that maybe if we approach that one bit differently, and the soup will be on the spoon, not in his mouth, like hovering in the air, getting cold, getting like, unpleasing. And then the soup will become so cold from him talking because he is like prioritizing communication

over this dumb soup, which he should be doing, that the soup will become inedible. And then he'll go, I don't really want this right now. And he'll just set it down. I can't even, I can't even comprehend that. And I'm jealous of that. I'm like, I could have the nuclear codes and like be able to prevent something. And I would still say it through soup in my mouth. I just, I think you're either one or the other, but I will say, I'm not saying Brian's food

situation is just so enviable because a lot of it is wrapped around. It's going to make your teeth hurt. Oh yeah. There's a lot of energy going into that. Yes. You have different noise. I don't need to make it seem like everyone does have noise. Yes.

One thing I do, one thing I do that I'd like to stop doing is if I'm in like a, if I'm like telling a story or something, I will frequently like put food in my mouth and then I'll just have the food in my mouth. No, you don't. Not to me. You do not. I, I've noticed that you will because I pay attention. You will put it down. I've never seen you talk through food. Wow. Well, I, I, maybe I just think it's your dipping or something. Yeah, no, cause I think I'm very good at it.

I've gotten very good at having like a squirrel's amount of storage of food in my cheek while I'm telling a story. And his beard is more grown out, so it's really hard to tell. Oh, yeah, you can really back it in. But you don't realize that I'm slowly distributing morsels into my throat while you don't see it. There are some good morsels that you can get in your gums. My favorite is when you eat animal crackers. The buildup you can get in your gums. My favorite is when you eat animal crackers.

The buildup of animal crackers in your gums is as delicious as the original animal cracker. And that's one that I will speak to. When we get back, I want to talk to you about a Timothy Chalamet thing that I wanted to get everyone's feedback on because I read it last night and I go, oh, this will be perfect for the podcast. So stay tuned for that right after this.

Hey, y'all, I'm Maria Fernandez. My podcast, When You're Invisible, is my love letter to the working class people and immigrants who shaped my life. I get to talk to a lot of people who form the backbone of our society, but who have never been interviewed before. Season two is all about community, organizing, and being underestimated. All the greatest changes have happened

when a couple of people said, this sucks, let's do something about it. I can't have more than $2,000 in my bank account or else I can't get disability benefits. They won't let you succeed. I know we get paid to serve you guys, but like, be respectful. We're made out of the same things.

Bone, body, blood. It's rare to have black male teachers. Sometimes I am the lesson and I'm also the testament. Listen to When You're Invisible as part of the MyCultura podcast network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community,

and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to Krems as part of the Michael Loura Podcast Network, available on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. the Bon Vi Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is John Cameron Mitchell and my new fiction podcast series, Cancellation Island, stars

Holly Hunter as Karen, a wellness influencer who launches a rehab for the recently canceled. In the future, we will all be canceled for 15 minutes. But don't worry, we'll take you from broke to woke or your money back. Cancellation Island's revolutionary rehab therapies like Bad Touch Football, Anti-Racism Spin Class, and mandatory ayahuasca ceremonies are designed to force the canceled

to confront their worst impulses, but everything starts to fall apart when people start disappearing. Karen, where have you brought us? Cancellation Island, where a second chance might just be your last. Listen to Cancellation Island on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember what you said the first night I came over here?

How? Goes lower? From Blumhouse TV, iHeart Podcasts, and Ember 20, comes an all new fictional comedy podcast series. Join the flighty Damien Hirst as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. And Santi was gone. I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi. as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. And Santi was gone.

I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi. And what's the way to find a missing person? Sleep with everyone he knew, obviously. Hmm, pillow talk. The most unwelcome window into the human psyche. Follow our out of his element hero as he engages in a series

of ill-conceived investigative hookups. Mama always used to say, God gave me gumption in place of a gag reflex. And as I was about to learn, no amount of showering can wash your hands of a bad hookup. Now, take a big whiff, my brah. Listen to The Hookup on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

Okay, so I guess, Timothy Chalamet just made history, this is Buzzfeed, Instagram. Timothy Chalamet just made history as the youngest person ever to win best actor in a leading role at the SAG Awards. And his acceptance speech proves that in an industry built on the art of pretending, Timmy is as real as it gets. Okay, so I originally read the headline on Buzzfeed is,

Timothy Chalamet did something many actors are afraid to do in his unconventional acceptance speech at the SAG Awards, and people are seriously impressed. Oh, what's it gonna be? Go to the next slide. The next slide is a quote from his speech, and then it says, holy shit, Timmy, what a speech, Oscar next.

Okay, so this is the speech, and I want us all to weigh in on it, okay? Because it is different than most speeches, and this is Timothy Chalamet. Shout out North America, shout out Earth. Yeah. Yeah. I shout out Heavy Awards that aren't as good as,

you know, an Oscar or Golden Globe. Wait a second. Quick shout out WGA awards because Nikki Glaser won a WGA award for Someday You'll Die. Congratulations Nikki. Wow, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. It's my first award.

It's an incredible award. Yeah, I'm's my first award. It's an incredible award. Yeah, I'm really touched by it. It's such a great award because you're being acknowledged by fellow writers. Yeah. For your writing, yeah. I mean, it truly is the award out of all of the ones that I was nominated for. Grammy, Emmy, Critics Choice, Golden Globe, that really, it would have been nice to win all those,

but as someone who voted in some of those, you just pick your friends, or you pick, it's like a popularity contest. No one watches everything, but writers are not nice. But here's the thing, I determined that I either won because they respected my writing, or they hate everyone else in the category Based on I just don't want that person to win and I will pick anyone else that has been nice to me before or like

So it it isn't always about the merit of it That's okay. I think we really need to acknowledge that that is this is not the Olympics You're not being and even the Olympics acknowledge that this is not the Olympics. And even the Olympics, I would say, is not completely fair. You can't completely objectively judge something without putting your own personal... There are a couple of questionable judgments in the gymnastics category last Olympics. I will say not to poo-poo what you just said, but it is possible. But to put poo away, a lot the large portion of the WGA members are drama writers who truly actually love comedy and like have none of the hang ups that like the comedy writers do.

And like none of the Jelsies or putting people like. Yeah, like they're like they're just like true fans like. And I only know this is I've been around them and they Suck like they like genuinely love things like and I I can't comprehend how you do that No, it meant so much to me It really did like that was like whoa And I will say that Robbie Pra of Netflix did text me the day before the the awards and was like But hey buddy, I hope you win

just to let you know Netflix couldn't submit so you have a better chance. And I was like, fuck you Robbie. He's always trolling me but also really supportive. But he was like, in other words, he was like, would have gone to Chappelle had we submitted. They couldn't submit why? I think they choose not to. I couldn't submit why? Because it's-

I don't think, I think they choose not to. I don't know why. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't impress anyone. They can't put it on a billboard. Yeah. But I will put it on my mantle. They're trying to abolish guilds?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, this is what Timothy said. Okay. When he accepted his SAG award. I know we're in a subjective business, but the truth is, I'm really in pursuit of greatness I know people don't usually talk like that, but I want to be one of the greats. I'm inspired by the greats

I'm inspired by the greats here tonight I'm as inspired by Daniel Day-Lewis Marlon Brando and Viola Davis as I am by Michael Jordan Michael Phelps and I want to be up there. So I'm deeply grateful. This doesn't signify that, but it's a little more fuel. It's a little more ammo to keep going. Thank you so much. Okay, so people are saying that it's arrogant. You know, like the naysayers are saying it's arrogant.

It's, he threw the SAG award under the bus, which I would argue, no, he did not. He was just saying like like I'm not there yet This doesn't mean that I've winning. This doesn't mean that I've risen to that level, but it's a little more fuel on the And also let's just be honest here. I mean sag ward is a level below an Oscar I mean there is a way to go just peace. Can people stop being ridiculous about the truth Yes

But some of the comments are, did the greats ever talk like this? I'm sorry, so 85% of the SAG members who aren't famous aren't in pursuit of greatness and aren't working hard enough. And then someone said, he's a narcissist. So funny how when Anne Hathaway was proud of her work and her speech, she got the whole opposite reaction.

I do think that that's an interesting thing to note. And then someone, yeah, people, people, the ego is huge. Mind blown, mind blown, mind blown emoji. What do you guys make of it? Because before I go off on it, fuck you, fuck the internet, fuck all those people. Timothy, you're a team with Timothy Shalabay. Apologize. You know what? It was like, you're a team with Timothy Chalamet, I apologize. This is not fair.

You know what? He was like, you know. You know what this reminds me of honestly? Gabe has some good points. You're on the board at Club Chalamet, we know. You're the Trevor. It reminds me of a similar person striving for greatness who made a similar type comment,

and I believe it was an amazing comment to make, and it just showed how confident they were. And that was when Nikki Glaser was asked, what do you think about being selected as being the host of the Golden Globes? And you said, I think they made the right choice. Yeah. I think they made a smart choice.

It's just believing in yourself and being confident and manifesting and setting the goal. I don't always feel that way. Let me be honest. Like, that would be insane if I always was like, yeah, me taking this Pilates class, it was a right choice for this place to, you know, give me a free week trial. You know, like I know when I suck, but yeah, that was just, yeah, I just knew that I was going to take it seriously. Well, that was your confidence. That was Babe Ruth pointing the bat over the wall saying, I'm going to hit a home run. Or is that a Hank Aaron? Sean?

That was Babe Ruth. Yeah. And he pointed, he pointed at it. You know the Babe Ruth thing, Nikki? I recall it. Like I can see it in my mind of him like calling the shot. Yeah. He calls the shot and he says, I'm going to hit a home run essentially. And if he doesn't hit a home run, man, that's embarrassing. But think of all the times you don't when a home run, man, that's embarrassing. But think of all the times you don't when you call it. Like it happens a lot.

Not him though. You remember the times it does go out. I think it's a type of bias, but I don't think. I think this rules. I think what Timothy did rules. And I don't even think this is like a new thing. I feel like Marlon Brando was like so up his ass and calling himself like the greatest actor

that ever lived in like the late 50s and early 60s and like to the point where he was like holding out for money and doing all that shit and then Al Pacino when he was nominated for an Oscars he showed up on so many painkillers he couldn't do this but he definitely believed it like I mean yeah but it's not even a Gen Z type of thing where he like kind of grew up with rap and like, kind of like braggadocio. And I think this is just like a new level of I thought it was humility. Like he was showing humility in that a lot. I didn't really see it as bragging. Exactly. No, I think it fucking rules. Braggadocio is also my favorite rapper, but I think that he, isn't it most vulnerable? Isn't it more vulnerable to say,

I want to be one of the greats? Isn't it vulnerable to say, here is my goal, now watch me try to achieve it, rather than pretend like you don't want to be one of the greats? I really don't like the argument of like, so why even say it? Like, don't we just assume you want to be great? No, no, no, no.

Not everyone who's famous or who works in comedy or acting or sports really goes to become, is like trying to achieve greatness. They all might say they are, but they are leaving, they are leaving, you know, potential behind because they don't, they're not doing everything they can to be great. We know the people that do, the Cobies, the Tom Brady's,

the Daniel Day-Lewises, the Jeremy Strongs, like you know what you can do to be great and people don't do it. So you're not trying to be great. It's, you're just showing up and you're getting by and you can't get by. Trust me, I've gotten by a lot without trying to be great. No, for so many, for so many, it's just the money that like is what they're doing it for.

Yeah, that motivates you. Yeah. Like, Jeremy Strong, if he wasn't trying to be great, he would be like, I don't know, the Incredible Hulk or some shit. And like, he's not. Wow, he does look like he could be cast in an incredible role. There's other motivations, but people just assume that because someone's in the spotlight, they're always trying their best and they're always striving to be one of the best.

And it's just not true. As someone who has been able for many years to coast by on just doing, you know, knowing what I could do, and I still do that, there are still jobs where I would just go, I could nail this and I know exactly what I could do to nail it. do that. There are still jobs where I would just go, I could nail this, and I know exactly what I could do to nail it. I don't have the energy for it. So I'm going to be good, but I'm not gonna be great. And you make that decision every day

with every project you do. So I think it is notable to say I wanna be the greatest, and to call your shot in. It might even actually inspire him to do it, because he's like, I just set it on this kind of platform. I can't not show up to my acting class tomorrow. I can't stay up late drinking tonight. Oh, an accountability thing.

Yeah, I think that really helps. I wrote something to Sean yesterday about a thing I'm coming up doing and I deleted it immediately because I was like, I don't want evidence that I ever said this, but this is what I want to achieve in doing this. It's like maybe a petty achievement because it's like I want to be the best at whatever, you know?

But it struck me after I said it as being like almost like petty. It struck me as being petty and a little bit overly competitive when it really doesn't need to be that thing. But for me to achieve greatness, I need to be competitive. I have to create a fake race in my head that maybe no one else is paying attention to. And then I and then I can. Yes. Belazian. But people are paying attention to everything because everything is competition.

Everyone is always trying to be the greatest of all time. Comedy show that you don't walk away from and you see multiple comedians and you don't talk to your friends on the way home about who was the best. Tell me that. Tell me anytime you go anywhere and you see multiple different acts performing different things and they one could be doing a musical number. One could be doing a comedy number. One could be doing a dance number. You don't go, what was your favorite dance number? What was your favorite comedy? You, you, You pit them against themselves,

even though they're all different things happening at different parts of the show. It is a competition. And for me, that's how I get great. Well, whenever I see an improv show, I don't do that whenever I see an improv show because they're all equally bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I would think at an improv show, you would definitely go on the way home. If I ever went to go see one, I would definitely be like, that one girl was the best, that guy like we love to rank things. Yes. By the way, just quickly and shout out to magnet theater, which is this improv theater in New York City. Have you ever performed there, Sean? The magnet theater in New York? Oh yeah. Oh my God. I've performed at the magnet theater. Where is it? I think I've

probably done it too. It's on 28th or 29th street between 7th and 8th Avenue. And it was, it survived in its form. It somehow has had the staying power that the UCB and even different forms of the pit, the other two big improv theaters in New York city did not have. And it was because of like the strong community and because they never had any desire to grow beyond being a strong community. But they are having a 20- They didn't strive for greatness? They didn't strive. Exactly. You know, the magnet, I think famously was like, we're not striving for greatness. We're not getting involved in the muck of the industry. We just

want people to come here and have a good time and make friends. It was friends, community, and the art of improv. It was all just in the pursuit of having fun with improv. UCB was like, I need to be in a T-Mobile commercial before I go and kill myself. And because of that, the magnet theater survived through COVID, where the UCB didn't. The UCB shut down because- Because it was based on money. Yeah. And for the magnet, it was like the community was like,

there's no way we're gonna let this die because then we won't have anyone where to hang out with our friends. Anyway, the Magnet Theater is having their 20 year anniversary next month, and I just wanna shout out to the Magnet. Since we were just talking about improv quickly and I shit on it, I just wanna shout out to them.

Because they gave me like the most stage time in New York City out of any venue in the entire city for the time I was there. Lauren Ruffin That's nice. Justin Trudeau Congratulations, the magnet. Lauren Ruffin Congratulations, 20 years. You never even think you're going to be around for 20 years. Whenever a business is established, 2022, I'm like, get that off of there. No one cares what you were established for. But in 20 years that's going to seem like something. You know what I mean? You have to write an established

at some point you got to like we were even talking about it this weekend about like taking photographs and like how I would like love if people had photographs of me and the comedy community back in 2007 2008 2008, like when I first started. But at the time you're just like, I don't want people taking pictures all the time. Like I don't need all this shit. But like now I'm like, Oh my God, like we just don't, we never foresee nostalgia. At least I don't. I don't anticipate it. Like I'm trying to by keeping some things like this weekend, someone made me a dress that has Tom Brady's face on it. And I was like, we can just like give it to someone.

And then someone was like, well, what if the woman that made it for you finds out you just gave it away? I'm like, I hope she's not hurt because why would I wear that again? But like, okay, let me just keep it because maybe someday that'll mean something to me. And of course it will be like, oh my God, that was my first time like selling out all these big shows. That was the year that my life broke open. But I'm not having a daughter, and I doubt Poppy will give a fuck about that dress, but maybe it'll go to a museum someday

if I get shot by my assistant or something. Or maybe you'll be buried in it. Yeah, okay. If I fit in it when I'm that age, yeah, that would be great. Bury me in that dress 100%, have the in memoriam be the popular picture. And yeah, I just don't see myself being in a museum

unless I die tragically in some kind of Selena way. So that's why I said shoot, shoot a shot by my assistant. Jen ZM? I have to be like, you have to die tragically to be like an icon, I think. To be an icon? Yeah, like, I'm sorry, James Dean,

like a car accident, like Sam Kinison, car accident, like Marilyn Monroe, overdose, young, like no one cares when you're like, pass away at 94. I get an alert that some woman named Buzzy Winthrop died, like who was the biggest actress in 1933. It was nice CNN that you gave me that, but like, of course she's dead, she's 99. Like, it's not interesting. You're right. We, we always worship the people who died at their peak. That's like,

Yeah. Like it's like, we never got to see Nirvana just start sucking. Yeah. Like Kurt Cobain gets to be like Kurt Cobain forever. We never got to see what like Saddam Hussein was gonna get up to in his later years. Yeah, we should have given him a shot. Yeah, that's why we revere him so much now.

His comedians in cars getting coffee was gonna be so funny. I was actually reading on a SNL subreddit where like it's SNL fans dissecting the show, the subreddit live from New York, if you're interested. And they were talking, one guy was like, I just don't get Belushi, explain Belushi to me.

And I was reading the comments and they were like, actually I hate him because he would tank any sketch that a woman wrote, I found out, which makes me immediately hate him. And I know that he's like a beloved icon, but I honestly have never really laughed at anything. Like I think he was good in Animal House, but I don't really care about Cheeburger Cheeburger

or like him dressed as a bee or like, I just don't, I haven't laughed, I haven't given it a chance really, but finding out he's a massive misogynist, which everyone was in the 70s. So I give him a little bit of a pass misogynist, which everyone was in the 70s. So I give him a little bit of a pass because of the time. But he is a lot of people said he is revered because his death was tragic. Absolutely. And they and like they all knew he was going to die. Speedball cocaine and

Shato Mama. Yeah. Yeah. Like he was like, I don't get Belushi. Like and I even I like Animal House. I like the Blues Brothers movie. Fine. But I don't understand him. And then I'm reading this book about Lauren Michaels and like, he was just a piece of shit the entire time and like got fired so many times because he was like impossible to work with. Thought he was better than the show. And then you watch his sketches and it's like Cheeburger, Cheeburger.

It's Samurai guy. Like it's like it's really some Cheeburger, it's samurai guy. Like it's like, it's literally some of the worst shit ever put on television. Well, comedy does not hold up, obviously. Sure. Animal House though, that's what he's really, that's why he's got the poster in everyone's dorm room because of that movie. Yeah, that's pretty iconic.

He's just a funny looking guy too, but yeah, we were in Boston over the weekend and we did a thing on Saturday that we can't talk about. Secret. It's a secret kind of society. We got invited to a secret society meeting to be honored by this prestigious- Like Bohemian Grove or skull and bones. Yeah, it's kind of like it's kind of like a less funny skull and bones.

Oh, my God. No, I really let me just say if any of those people are listening, we can't talk about what it was. But I had an amazing time on the last half of that experience. Like it was actually the whole thing was really entertaining and kind of like it's funny to talk about with only the people that experienced it with me because I can't talk about it publicly. But you know, when sometimes when you have like an annoying experience, it's fun to like,

you know, talk about it later. I will say afterwards going to lunch and talking to everyone and hanging out when all the BS was over with. It was one of the most rewarding favorite going to lunch and talking to people. That was one of the most favorite things I've ever done. It could have been, it was, I could have done it. We were talking about later. I could have done it all day. I really, it made me realize I want to go talk to young people that are smart and tenacious and just interesting and funny and just so

cool. It was so fun. I had the best time. Before that, not that fun. It was not that fun. And it was like, oh no. It truly felt like you got into an Uber and then you realized slowly that the driver was fucked up. And that the locks were sawed off. Yeah. Oh my God. He was blasting his own music and making you sing along. Yeah, and you didn't know the words.

But then once you got home and you kind of realized that this person was just pretending. When the act dropped. So we went through a thing with like in this secret kind of world, you have to go through this like kind of a little bit of an initiation process. There's no animal sacrifice involved, right?

No, I was waiting for that. I would have loved to sacrifice some of the people involved. But, um. They were animals. No, it was, it's, they, and the people listening know that this sucks. Like they're smart enough to know that this whole thing sucks.

But the reason that it sucks is because it was, no, they are so smart and they all had this air about it, like, I'm sorry, we have to do this kind of thing. Yeah. They were really... Their hearts were in it and you could feel it right away. Right away. And then when you got to talking to them, they were actually very funny and quick. Oh my God. We couldn't stop talking about how much we loved all of you and we wish we could say publicly who you are, but we can't because of this dumb rule, because of your dumb like the dumb secretive secret special society thing about it that and this is what

I learned when something is when you're prohibited from talking about something afterwards and you make it so no one can give you notes on it, no one can dissect it and maybe give you some critical help with it, constructive criticism, it stays the same and it's over the years something, especially something based in comedy. If it is something that is written and planned out in 19 or like possibly late 1800s and maybe not updated since the 1940s, it doesn't work anymore. It's like a John Belushi sketch. Secretly, yes.

It is, that's what inspired this conversation. It's like you, I was living in the Canterbury Tales, which you just go, this isn't, this doesn't work now comedically. But it is, and it's barely interesting too, no offense. Like truly no offense, because if I were one of these people, I would have done the same exact thing.

You're locked into a thing that you can't get out of, but it needs to be updated. I have production notes. If you wanna reach out, we will be happy to give you some to make a good experience. So that the experience that we had at the tail end of it is as good as the rest of it. And I'm sorry for the listener being like, what are you talking about?

But like, just imagine a group inviting you to like say, Hey, what's up? And then you have to watch a play first that you're like a part of. It's like sleep no more, but you, but it's, but, but not good. Yeah. Interactive play. And then then after the play, all the actors drop it and then they're real people. And then it's the most fun you've ever had. Yeah.

It was so wild. And if you are wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about the Doge Committee. Some of them will be working there. The Future Doge Committee of America. They let us delete a few social security numbers and it was like so rewarding. So fun. Before that you had to watch the play and that's why it's so fun. I just, it was, it reminded me of this thing I read about the, did I talk, did I talk about,

I know I talked to both of you about this separately, but did I talk about how, why there aren't plane crashes because of on this podcast? What I learned? I read a really long article. Okay, I'm gonna synthesize it when we get back, but it's actually as interesting, I promise you, and it has to do with this thing of like, we need, you need open dialogue for things to get better

and for things to run efficiently. And I don't think I've talked about it on the podcast. This is one of the articles that you read instead of sending out, instead of outsourcing. I read the whole thing and I did put it on my Instagram story because I was like, everyone needs to know this. It will give you peace of mind about flying

and feeling safe and doing it, but it will actually not make you feel good after what, if it gets taken over by the people that I think it's gonna be taken over by. Because, okay, I'll tell you about that when we get back, right when we get back. Hey y'all, I'm tell you about that when we get back, right when we get back. Hey, y'all. I'm Maria Fernanda Diaz. My podcast, When You're Invisible, is my love letter to the

working class people and immigrants who shaped my life. I get to talk to a lot of people who form the backbone of our society, but who have never been interviewed before. Season two is all about community, organizing, and being underestimated. All the greatest changes have happened when a couple of people said, this sucks. Let's do something about it. I can't have more than $2,000 in my bank account, or else I can't get disability benefits. They won't let you succeed. I know we get paid to serve you guys, but like, be respectful. We're made out of the same things. Bone, body, blood. It's rare to have black male teachers. Sometimes I am the lesson and I'm also the testament.

Listen to When You're Invisible as part of the MyCultura podcast network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. But hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses.

But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Krems as part of the Michael Loura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. This is John Cameron Mitchell and my new fiction podcast series, Cancellation Island, stars Holly Hunter as Karen, a wellness influencer who launches a rehab for the recently canceled.

In the future, we will all be canceled for 15 minutes but don't worry we'll take you from broke to woke or your money back. Cancellation Island's revolutionary rehab therapies like bad touch football, anti-racism spin class and mandatory ayahuasca ceremonies are designed to force the cancel to confront their worst impulses. But everything starts to fall apart when people start disappearing. Karyn, where have you brought us? Cancellation Island, where a second chance

might just be your last. Listen to Cancellation Island on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember what you said the first night I came over here? How? Goes lower? From Blumhouse TV, I Heart Podcasts and Ember 20 comes an all-new fictional comedy podcast series. Join the flighty Damien Hirst as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. And Santi was gone.

I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi. And what's the way to find a missing person? Sleep with everyone he knew, obviously. Hmm, pillow talk. The most unwelcome window into the human psyche. Follow our out-of-his-element hero as he engages in a series of ill-conceived investigative hookups. Mama always used to say, God gave me gumption in place of a gag reflex. And as I was about to learn, no amount of showering can wash your hands

of a bad hookup. Now, take a big whiff, my bra. Listen to the hookup on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Okay, so pretty much the reason that there aren't plane crashes is because no one's ever blamed for it. Have I talked about this on air before? I don't think so.

I don't think it is air. Okay. So, uh, this is all going to be me kind of speaking, uh, like, uh, I don't know all the official words for it, but the, like, pretty much the mandate from the FAA and everyone who regulates, and I think this is global, handles plane crashes and regulates what they're able to do and where they're able to go and navigation and all that stuff.

If there is an error, if there's a plane crash, no one gets blamed. Let me say that again. There is never an investigation after an airplane mishap, a crash, where they try to figure out whose fault it is. All they try to do after a crash is to find out what happened, what led to this mistake that someone made. Yes, they eventually go, okay, this person made this mistake, but they will never punish that person. That person will never lose their job.

They will never be tried before a jury of their peers. They will never be fired. They will never be docked pay. They will never be put on leave ever because they all agree that if you work for the, if you work as a air traffic control person, if you work as a pilot, it is under the assumption that you are always doing the best job you can

and that no one would ever not be, right? So if something happens, it's a mistake. You didn't mean to, we are humans, we will fault at some point. And just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you need to be fired. And because of this, and now this is the interesting part that I love. It's the psychological part because there is never any blame placed on anyone for anything

that goes wrong. When something does go wrong, everyone tells the truth. Again, everyone tells the truth when they're asked about like, how did this plane get hit? What happened? Why did you leave that plane on the tarmac and then signal for this other plane to land that woman who made that mistake says? I just I you know I was just I couldn't the camera on the top that is pointing towards the tarmac doesn't light that one section That's where the plane was stalled. I couldn't see it. I fucked up. I knew it was there I just forgot because then I got distracted by another phone call I didn't sleep the past 14 hours because of this thing they take she can be completely honest about what happened and

Actually explain that it was her fault and she's never gonna face any consequences for it and people go Oh, that's wrong. Like you should punish someone for fucking up Well, what happens when you punish someone for fucking up is that they have reason to lie and cover up why it happened. And when people cover up why it happened and go, well, it was because, um, actually I didn't tell that plane to wait there. They waited there themselves. And then that woman just gets to lie and say that because all the people on the plane are dead so we can never really check if that plane actually did stay there by themselves

or not. If she's lying about that, we'll never know. But if she tells the truth and says, yeah, I told them to wait there and I fucked up and then I signaled the other plane to land and it crashed into it, then we know what can we do to never make that happen again, as opposed to covering it up. So when Trump gets in there with all of his people, who all they do is punish and place blame and say who did what, when you know, whoever, it's not just Trump, like when it becomes regulated by people

who like to place blame and punish, then that lies start. And when lies start, problems don't get solved and problems get repeated and things get covered up. And that to me circles back around to what we went through because if there was an opportunity to say freely what you don't like and what is wrong without feeling like you're gonna be punished for revealing some secret things can be better and an enjoyable experience and maybe you know You can get a ton more comedians that you want to come and do it because and they're all telling each other how great it was Yeah, and also think about the resources being exp... It's very backwards looking to try

to assign blame. And it takes a lot of resources to do an investigation to figure out and then also to defend against the person who is... And they get lawyers. And what do lawyers do? They lie. And so when lies cover up the truth, and when the truth is covered up, you can't remedy it. You can't fix the bolt that wasn't screwed in tight enough. Where that guy goes, oh, I didn't screw it in tight enough because I wanted to get to lunch. Okay, well then maybe we need to look at these people are not eating enough.

We're having lunch breaks a little too late, and so the bolts aren't getting screwed. So then they move to lunches, so now the bolts are getting screwed. Things can be remedied. It shifts the focus from looking back at something that happened and trying to assign blame and to looking forward and saying

How can we make sure that this is never going to happen again in the future? Not to mention when you're punishing that person who fucked up in that way Then they have lost left there like you know like their perch and now you're filling that like that hole that you just had with somebody who's maybe under qualified, who is more willing to lie. And then, yeah, we're. Or who didn't just learn the most valuable lesson that they'll never make that same mistake again. That they'll never do it again.

And it's like, it's the same thing as like, we don't punish fathers who accidentally leave their, I mean, I think sometimes they're tried, but most of the time if there is a child dies because of a parent's negligence, they're not thrown in jail. It's like, it's not, we know that no one would actually do that on purpose.

I know that some parents do do that, but like, Casey Anthony. You know, like it would be, if we had someone who purposely flew a plane into another plane, that would open up a whole thing of like, now everyone's looking at each other, like who's here to do the wrong thing? Like they just need to look at the hiring practices.

That's someone who fucked up with the hiring practices and that person doesn't need to be punished for hiring a psychopath. They need to have now let's, let's give maybe a different kind of psychopath test. Yes. Like learning the lesson is so important. Like did you ever notice that like OJ Simpson never killed again? That we know of. No, I think he learned his lesson. I think so too. But it's really good. He did Rob after that. Yeah, he did. He did steal his own shirts, as Norm said. What was Norm's joke about that?

I just don't think you should go to jail for 25 consecutive life sentences for stealing your own shirt. Oh yeah, because it was about his own merchandise that he was trying to get back that subsequent charge. Norm had so many great OJ jokes, but yeah, it's the whole thing about if someone murders someone, it's not really their fault. They were just born with a murderer's brain and they were like abused as a kid that made them a psychopath and all the things that It's not really their fault the situation in the brain they were born with

Final thought I'm getting into no free will Sam Harris But the reason we punish them and we lock them away is to protect people from them, right? So that like a per an air traffic controller who makes a mistake, if they did it on purpose, if it was determined, I'm guessing that they would go away. But I don't, what I'm saying is like, they're not investigated under the assumption that they are going to be put in jail

or that they did it on purpose. Whereas, you know, when we try people, we go, what the fuck, you did this, you meant to do this, you wanted to do this. And then we throw you in jail. But it sets an example for other people that deters people from murdering. Now, you know, someone who accidentally makes a mistake as an air traffic control person, them going to prison for life for making a mistake, I don't think is going to deter other

people from making that mistake. I think it's already ingrained in people that they don't want plane crashes, right? Like, so the reason we punish murderers is to set an example and to protect people. So it's very, it's just interesting that like, I just love that somehow this, you know, aviation, this like really highly, um, the, what's such a high margin of like accidents and like, it's crazy. They're planes flying in there. They really don't have that many accidents. this really highly, with such a high margin of accidents, and it's crazy, there are planes flying in there, they really don't have that many accidents

compared to any other thing. Like it's extremely safe. Extremely safe, and it's because of this. It was this really great article, if you wanna read it, it says what I said much more eloquently. Infowars.com if you wanna look it up. Just literally DM me and I'll find it for you because I can't remember what to Google about it.

Can I ask you a question about your weekend? I have so many bullet points here. So you were in Fort Lauderdale and something happened at dinner with the waitstaff? Hmm. Oh. They came and they gave the food, right? Yeah, it was hilarious. It was insane. No, no, they that was like one of the most delicious meals

in a really long time. What happened? Did I do something funny or? No, they just like they were so attentive. They were very attentive. And the meal was incredible. And like it was the best hummus I've ever had. And I didn't know travel. And you could. Yeah, you could elevate hummus to this level, but it takes 72 hours of...

Oh yeah. Oh my God. It took... I was going to kill you, Sean. Did you see the look I shot you when you asked? Now why would the hummus take 72 hours? Because he was describing each dish and I'm sorry, this is gonna sound rude. I don't care about how something's made,

or the ingredients, or what region of Italy the cooking is based on. When I'm hungry, I don't wanna sit and look at it while you describe to me where the farro is from. As they serve it, they start talking about it, I see. But you can't start eating yet. You have to wait while they're done with their PowerPoint presentation.

And I'm not trying to be rude. I, this is going to be diarrhea in three hours. Like I don't care. I'm sure there are people that do care about what region of Florence that this type of thing, that this dish is inspired by the cooking from that area. And I guess it is interesting. I am, but when I'm like post show and like want to just eat and I'm kind of hungry, I don't really care. I don't care.

Yeah. It's also insane too. They kept the restaurant open for us, which is so kind and so nice. But to do this spiel, and I mean, like they kept checking to make sure after every bite if it was to our liking, which was, it was very flagrant. And I realize now I should not have been a little sarcastic boy. You are being polite. Oh, you are being sarcastic. Oh my God. You're being a little bitch.. You are being polite. Oh, you're being sarcastic.

You're being a little bitch. Oh my God. Mean girl. It is like it's like when my mom we were checking into a hotel once and I was just like they were telling us about the gym and what time the coffee bar is open and what time there are appetizers and then what time you know just telling us and then oh there's actually construction going on in second floor, but that won't affect you because it only begins on Monday and you guys check it on Monday. And my mom goes, so what's the construction for? And I just looked over at her like, are you and they haven't given us the cards yet. Like they're waiting to present all this until they give us the cards. Why would you ever, I gave her the biggest tongue lashing in the elevator. She, I mean, it wasn't like I was

being tongue in cheek about it, but I'm just mean, it wasn't like I was being tongue and cheek about it, but I'm just like, why would you ever care? Why did you need to know that? Like, I think sometimes people just like want to keep things going. Yeah, when you're on vacation, you just wanna know things that you don't normally wanna know. About construction that you're not going to encounter

at a place that you don't even like. You ever go on a vacation, you're walking around a city and you're like, I wonder what that water is for? Like, I wonder what that statue means. No, I guess I need to be more curious. I mean, this is my problem. I think something just clicked in my brain because like I hit a vape

and when he said 72 hour hummus, I was like. No, it is funny because it's like, what the fuck are you doing for, but they are fermented for that long, I think. Yeah. And then I was waiting for him to leave so I could say 72 hours for the hummus, 73 hours to get the bread that you just asked for

five minutes ago. Like literally, we were done with pita, but we had all this hummus in front of us. And then we go, we love the hummus. He goes, that actually takes 70. I go, can we get some more pita? We're like, listen, we're in the middle of finishing hummus. Please don't think that I'm obnoxious

for thinking that this is a weird thing. But we are out of pita, it's a table of people, and there's tons of hummus still left, right? And I go, or we're about to be out of pita. And I go, can we get more pita? Just give us the right amount of pita. Well, I think they were kind of out of it, because they later told us that they only had one more

kind of hummus vessel for us. It was after closing. Yes, they were. Okay. Yeah, I think they have run out of it because they later told us that they only had one more kind of up Yes, okay, yeah vessels, but still Oh my god vessels We don't have any more of that vessel, but we do have this hummus vessel and it was a pretzel But it was so good. Oh my god. This place was So delicious and so worth the monologues we had to hear before we ate everything. But I go, can we get some more bread?

And he goes, oh God, isn't that hummus great? I go, we love it, we just wanna eat more of it, because there's nothing to eat it with. And I didn't say that, but that's what I meant. And then that's when Sean goes, and then he goes, yes, it actually takes 72 hours. I'm like, why are you telling us about the hummus when we want more bread?

We've already eaten it. We're looking at it, we're sold, we love it. And so that's when Sean asked about the hummus when we want more bread? We're looking at it. We were sold. We love it. And so that's when Sean asked about the 72 hours. And that's when I looked at Sean like, are you fucking kidding me right now that we have to now hear about the 72 hour process, which involves many steps by the way, because it's 72 fucking hours. And that's when I said it takes 73 hours to order it. And but it was, yeah, that was the funny thing. But they were so nice and they really took care of us. And I really shout out to that restaurant. Like, you know who you are, if

this is getting back to you, I'm sorry we made fun of you. That's not very nice. Because it was delicious food. And then, but then even like, you know, even my promotions company this weekend in Boston was like, hey, Nikki, for Sunday night, we're having a sushi chef come in and make you sushi in between shows. And I was like, can I just tell you, that's not what I like. I'm so sorry, thank you for the gift.

But like, and I go, am I paying for this? They're like, no, this is like a thing we thought you would really like. And I'm like, that's so sweet. I should just have shut up and said, thank you. But instead I said, for next time, I don't like warm sushi. I don't like room temperature sushi,

so I don't want it made on the spot ever because I like the rice to be cold. And also I don't wanna talk to a chef about what they did. And are we paying him enough that he doesn't feel the need to talk to me about it? And the truth was, yes, I was communicated. Yes, don't worry, it's gonna be in between shows. By the way, I'm doing six shows, you guys,

so don't think Nikki's such a bitch. She doesn't have time to talk to a chef. Of course I do. I went in and I was like, thank you so much for being here. This looks delicious. And then he had to teach me what each thing was, which is like, I think I know what avocado and eggplant look like, but that's fine.

So I'm kind of beating him to it. I go, okay, so that's eggplant and that's the, you know, and then that's the edamame. And he's like, oh, you really know. And I'm like, well, I've been to a Japanese restaurant once before. And he's very sweet. And he made me do a boomerang holding his food.

So that was fine. But I was just like, I don't wanna, you know, every time you get a nice thing, you have to like, there's an effort of talking to the person and making a thing about it. Like when the chefs are in the back of the kitchen, I respect a chef's work so fucking much. I really do.

It's an art, but I don't, I would never tell you guys how I write my jokes unless you asked, and unless people show curiosity. I would never talk to you about the process. I don't think it's interesting for people to hear about the process. I know that most and you could probably pull up a million different clips of me talking about the process and go actually Nikki you actually think we all do this. Well this actually takes 72 hours to write.

Yeah yeah. And yeah we talked about popular in the making of that. I get it. There's there's but listen there's a fast forward button on this, by the way. There isn't in real time when you're waiting for your hummus. You talked about popular on the Nikki Glaser podcast where people are trying to listen to you talk about this.

It'd be different if you were listening to that chef's cooking podcast and he's telling you about how you made the hummus. Some people like to interact with people. And I do, don't ever think, like Sean, you're around me a lot, like on the road, I'm not an anti-social person, I'm not rude to people who stop by and say hi, like I actually like interactions,

but I don't like, I just don't like empty things that I'm like, I didn't ask for this and now I am being presented like it's a gift for me when I don't even want it. Erin and I were just talking about this about White Lotus and like, when they're all like sitting there at the show with dinner, you just don't want the show with dinner.

I don't want the show with dinner. I just want to eat dinner. I don't care if somebody's singing. And then the maitre D has to come up and tell you what a beautiful table of ladies you are. And this is our esteemed woman who curated the whole thing. And she used to be an actress and they have to like fawn over her. Like I am the friend in that group going like, okay,

I want to get back to talking about like what our farts have been like recently. Like I want to, I don't want to hear about this woman's like a relationship with her husband. I just, it's not that I don't have a curiosity about people. I clearly do. I just, I'm just coming off like such a bitch. I feel like, but we've all been on both sides of that coin. Cause how many times have we done shows, especially early on when we ambushed some restaurant or bar.

I hate it. I was so apologetic. I was so apologetic on stage. I never had a good set saying like, I'm sorry, this is like the worst thing ever. I am the same way. I don't, I don't ever think anyone is ever like Interested in meeting me like I there's in a couple times where I haven't introduced Chris when I meet like a celebrity because I just Feel bad that the celebrity doesn't even want to meet me So I've explained to him like so I just assume they don't care about my partner either They're like he goes you don't understand people do wanna meet you. They do, they're interested in you. I'm like, it's no offense to you.

I'm not like trying to be like, I'm so embarrassed of them meeting Chris. I'm embarrassed they even have to meet me. And like, I don't think people understand that I walk around, I generally with like, that's why when people say they listen to the podcast, I always go, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. Not because I don't think this is a value. I just have a thing running through me that nothing I say is that interesting

and I don't deserve all of this. And I wish more people have that even though I do do this because I got offered money to do it. So I'm just trusting people who give me money to do this, that I am interesting. But other than that, I and all the notes that besties write me and all the feedback I get and the listeners like, I respect you, I love you, and I trust that I am interesting, but it's hard for me to believe. And I think more people need to operate from that place because I think you'd be right.

Except for Timothy Chalamet, who can say that he's gonna be one of the greats. Yeah, I mean, he has to say something in that moment, and it's way more interesting than thank you mom Thank you for my sag award All right, but seriously thank you for listening to the podcast I do love that you listen to me ramble and I know I contradict myself a million times and I know I'm a hypocrite So much, can you tell I just went to couples therapy?

Guys, thank you for listening fresh off a couple therapy episode, really introspective, really second guessing myself after everything I say. Love you guys. Thank you for listening. Thanks for being here, Sean, Brian, Noah. And we'll see you tomorrow. Don't be good, bye. The Nikki Glaser podcast is a production

by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcast. Created and hosted by me, Nikki Glaser. Co-hosted by Brian Frangy. Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Han Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited and engineered by Lien and Loaf. Video production, Mark Canton, and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes

of the Nikki Glaser podcast on YouTube. Follow at Nikki Glaser pod and subscribe to our channel. Hey y'all, I'm Maria Fernanda Diaz. When You're Invisible is my love letter to the working class people and immigrants who shaped me. Season two, share stories about community and being underestimated. All the greatest changes have happened when a couple of people said this sucks, let's do something about it. We get paid to serve you but we're made out of the same things. It's rare to have black male teachers. Sometimes I am the testament. Listen to When You're Invisible on the iHeartRadio app,

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Do you remember what you said the first night I came over here? How? Goes lower? From Blumhouse TV, I Heart Podcasts, and Ember 20 comes an all-new fictional comedy podcast series. Join the flighty Damien Hirst as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi. And what's the way to find a missing person? Sleep with everyone he knew, obviously. Listen to The Hook Up on the iHeartRadio app,

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