The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #52 Side of the Story

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she's on her way to deserving nice things. Andrew is not too lazy to repeat his story about lazy side sex that is an all too familiar tale for Nikki who highlighted it back in 2013. Things keep coming back around on this magical episode that no one planned for. In between these moments Nikki and Andrew discuss public lewdness, formatting texts to guys and how the Stock Market "reads the vibe". Lots of gems in the Listener Mail and in the Final Thought Nikki is skeptical about Andrew's dad's fear of flying.Catch Nikki on Real Time with Bill Maher, Friday 6/18 and got to nikkiglaser.com/tour to find Nikki's tour dates to see her and Andrew on the road! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I

had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction.

You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapaport. And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it. And there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rapaport St report stereo podcast on the iheart radio app

apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast the nikki glaser podcast here's nikki hello i don't know what what sound just came out of my throat at the end there. It was like a weird rattle. Oh, it's early. It's early, Shirley. I hope there's a woman listening named Shirley. No one names their kids Shirley anymore.

It's a great name. Damn, it's early. It's 7.15 over on the West Coast. We're doing this early today because Andrew's got to hit the road and he's going to visit his family. Be a good, good uncle, brother, brother, son, Father's Day. You get it. And Noah, you almost like didn't wake up for today because your phone, as you said earlier committed suicide yesterday let's talk about this because it is bizarre when your phone decides to just stop your world also decides to stop like it's you don't even like it's unbelievable how crippling and uh just how

much a phone malfunction can ruin your life what happened uh well i dropped it a couple of days ago so the home screen stopped working so i had to did you drop it from a tall building or did it leap from a parking garage did it really actually try to commit suicide you know when you like drop your phone and it hits your foot and then it skids and you're like and it almost goes into the subway you're like oh my god i almost kicked my phone okay so you dropped it and then it's an iphone right yeah i have an iphone or rest in peace yes and uh yesterday i was using it and it died you know like the the battery right now what are we talking what number we got because i don't even know what

number i'm on i'm guessing mine is like a fucking what what what's the what's the latest i think the latest yeah i think i have an 11 to like i think i do have an 11 i remember you recently got a new one but mine was a seven what oh so you were still pressing the button yeah to get back to the home screen yeah oh girl no i missed that button i was i stayed on that button for a while i felt like when i got my new phone it was like girl get get rid of the button but you were still on the button my mom is the only person that still has that button I loved the button but yes you became dependent on it and now so so what what stopped working first the well the battery was just running out all the time right so it was always having to be plugged in yeah it was on self-destruct mode it was like you need a new phone it tells you it needs help it leaves you signs it's crying

for help and we ignore it andrew famously like his phone in the cayman islands was so disgusting first of all he is too cool for a case which you can't be too cool for a case i think he still doesn't use a case and the case is made for people like andrew collin i mean they that are that drop things that don't really treat me too by the way i hashtag i am also someone who doesn't treat things very well and i throw them and i drop them and uh like i um did i tell you about the rings i damaged oh yeah you did this is a prime example i don't think i talked about it on the show because i was so scared my mom might hear it um i when i went to the iheart radio awards speaking of this is why we can't have nice things

i was when you get styled for these things your stylists get loaned out stuff that they need to then return I got eight rings given to me one on each finger that isn't my thumb and I was like bedazzled with these gold cool rings and they were like these are really expensive don't lose them and I was like I will not they were are tight and like thank you for saying that because I probably would if you didn't say that but like cool so I was like don't lose them don't lose them I clapped so much that night that I damaged they they got the rings back one of the rings broke and I knew that and I was like that's gonna be costly because something snapped off it I don't even know if it was a diamond I don't know if it was like I didn't even look at the rings closely but something snapped off it. I don't even know if it was a diamond. I don't know if it was like, I didn't even look at the rings closely, but something snapped off one of the rings.

But then I was so clap heavy the whole night that they wrote me back and they go, what happened to these? Like, was there some kind of accident? It reminded me again of Seinfeld when he left his suitcase in a meeting with a recorder in it so he could hear his co-workers talk about

him. And he goes back in to get his suitcase and he listens to the recording to see if his co-workers are talking shit about him. It's so funny. And he hears the recording and it's like, hey, John, could you move that chair? Oh, God. And then you hear and everyone's like, what could that have been? What happened? It's just like, oh, they just like dropped the suitcase or something like it was just nothing. But literally my the way George was like, what could what could have happened in that recording? It sounds like that's how my stylists were like, what did you do? Like, did were you did someone else get a hold of these rings? Because I returned them. I didn't even look at them. I just put them in this little purse that I returned everything with.

And they were like, what happened to these rings? Were you assaulted? Were you, did you throw them in a rock tumbler? And, um, the truth is I clapped too much and I damaged all of them. And I got the message, the text message from them. They were then they're like my two, two of my good friends. And they were like, we're so sorry, like, there's going to be a fee to undamage these. And I was like, I swallowed my like, I just like, steeled myself. And I was like, you know what, I don't know, I have no concept of how much these rings are, you know, you hear things on the red carpet that are like, it's millions of dollars. Like, I don't know what kind of world and I don't know jewelry.

I don't care about jewelry. It literally could have been from H&M and I wouldn't. I mean, I could tell it was like weighty good stuff and it looked great, but I don't have a good eye for that stuff. If I ever get married, give me a cubic zirconia I don't care I like will not know I I was like prepared for it to be mass like amount of money that's like okay I could have bought a tesla like that's what that was it wasn't that much money but I'll tell you what it was a fucking lot of money it wasn't,000, but it wasn't not $30,000. It was a lot of money. I don't even say how much it was because my mom would go, oh God, Nikki, why did you clap? Because I was having fun. I'm not going to say the amount. She's going to assume it's more if she ever hears this.

I don't know why I'm so scared of my mom hearing it. My mom just hates when I have to spend money and anything. But I told my stylist, we're so sad. They were like, Nikki, we're so sorry you have to pay this much. And I was like, girls, this is a great lesson. I am glad that this happened because someday I will wear millions of dollars of jewelry. And if I didn't know not to clap in this lesson this cheaper lesson I would not have learned that lesson and I might owe way more money than I do like this might happen at the academy awards because I'm going to be a clappy bitch that night but now I know to clap like Nicole Kidman in the

famous gif where she's clapping her palms and not her fingers that's why she's doing that because she's wearing a bunch of loner jewelry she doesn't want to dent up um and so I had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to have these rings that I don't own repaired and um I I don't thankfully the lesson was I had enough money to cover up so that was like I was so grateful for that lucky lucky lucky and also I learned a a cheaper lesson than I would eventually learn down the road you have to look at everything in life this way of like I'm glad it happened because it's saving me down the road from something either more devastating more detrimental I don't know how to spin this for like literally everything in your life but that was a that was a that was a test for me because I really

could have gotten my head about that and granted granted, yeah, it did. I'm lucky that it didn't devastate me. We'd be having a different conversation now if it was like the last money in my account, which I know some people sometimes run into that where they owe all they have. And bitch, you should have learned your lesson earlier when you made a cheap mistake. I'm just kidding. It's no,, it's, it was a lesson. But I literally did, I wrote them and my stylists were like, we can't even believe, this outlook,

like they were so scared to even tell me. And I was like, girls, this is the greatest lesson. This is a great day. I was like, I'm thankful you're saving me. I literally looked at it like I'm saving thousands of dollars in the future. That's how I had to look at it. But the phone thing, Andrew, he needs to get a get a case Noah did you have a case on your phone

I did have a case okay I mean it was just old it's just old it was ready to go you dropped it it's like an old person breaking their hip you like gently like a gentle fall can like be the thing that like it's time to go it's time to say goodbye to Nana. You said your goodbyes to your phone. It is sad, though, because you have so much in there that you need to back up. Like the cloud, I haven't been storing stuff on the cloud since 1992. Here's what I'm grateful for.

So I haven't imported any of my images, my photos or videos from my phone in the five years that I've had it. For some reason, that that morning I was like I'm just gonna figure out how to do this what and I imported the 20,000 photos and videos what onto my hard drive I mean that is cosmic and then it died granted your phone was on its last breaths and it was but you didn't know it was gonna die that day I had no idea I keep all of my phones because I never back them up and they're just photo albums yet do I ever charge up those photo

albums and go through them nary a time never there are pictures that I go I would love that picture as a tbt but it's in some phone that's in some bin that's in some storage container with a bunch of other bullshit like it's next all my phones are like next to bunion correctors i bought over the years and like vape pens like one of those bins you just throw a bunch of trash in when you move you know different tangled necklaces we got to get andrew in here i'm trying to think of anything so i'm going on bill maher as you know on Friday and he wrote me yesterday I've been working with his producers so so nice because they are like really hands-on I want to know so I want to know everything you know I want to throw jokes at them and be like

is this good is this not good producer Michelle is incredible that yeah segment producers are I didn't know the backbone of these shows like I work in the industry and I was like still took me a while to figure out like you can I could I told her I could go out there and just like drool and mumble and based on how you you know produce me I will still kill that's how good they are my outfit for Bill Maher is so chic it's so good it's like perfect. I wrote my stylist. I was like, I want it to be like sophisticated. Like I'm smart, but like also like, like I'm cool and like not in that I don't really belong being there, but like I'm trying to be there, but not trying to like, I gave them this whole thing and we nailed it. I'm so excited about

my outfit, which is, you know, when you feel good good when you're dressed for the job dress for the job you want and the job I want is to be the opening guest on real time with Bill Maher and um but anyway he wrote me later on in the day and said uh and was just like you know I'm so excited to have you wrote this whole thing of like these are the topics I'd be interested in talking to you about this is kind of like where I want to go and and you know kind of reiterated what I had already figured which um or I already figured based on how I was produced but like you don't need to treat this like a Conan or a late night thing where it's like joke joke joke joke like I just get to go as long as I just go out there and sit and have like a real present conversation where I'm actually listening to him and I'm responding with my thoughts in the moment. I can't fuck it up. So that's just so freeing that you don't have to have anything really

prepared, which I do, you know, but all my punchlines, if they happen, they're going to happen in real time. There's no like, I got to get this one in. But he did say he might ask me about because we're going to talk about cancel culture he might ask me about uh louie and i've never given i've given my like opinion i think on podcasts but that's always a safe space um i really have to articulate how i feel about it for uh bill maher because you know he he really doesn't like he he's he really angers the woke crowd you know he's been canceled before politically incorrect he like does not like getting people getting canceled i once was like pro-canceling people like i also have been anti-canceling like i'm all over the place but i also acknowledge that i don't know what I am but the Louis thing I do have

opinions I'm trying to get them in a really uh I'm trying to get them in a place where I they are airtight my um my defense of not canceling him if that's the case if that's what I'm gonna say you don't even know that's what I'm gonna say and my opinion about what happened with him and and the thing is I have to do my research a little bit today on, because that's the thing on these guys that have been canceled. Everyone just assumes you know what happened, right? Like Louis, he jerked off in front of girls. And then there's always a thing of, did he block the door?

Did he prevent them from leaving? I don't, I know that that's a big deal. I don't really, he actually, he did not block the door apparently from both, both the girls and him. But these are details I need to figure out. For instance, army hammer. I want everyone to listen up right now. The army hammer thing. When you hear a joke about army hammer, don't make, make, don't go, ha ha cannibalism. So funny. The text. That's not why we're canceling armyie Hammer or that's not why he should be. We should be angry with him. Don't kink shame. I don't care if a guy says he wants

to eat someone's liver. He branded a girl when she didn't want to be branded that that could be some gray area because she was tied up and I don't know what he thought she wanted. Like that is just bad BDSM practice on his part. If he branded a girl and he thought she wanted it that is just bad bdsm practice on his part if he branded a girl and he thought she wanted it when she was tied up because she had a ball gag in her mouth and stuff like there can be you need safe words so he's a he's a bad person if he did that and she apparently did not want it so fuck you army hammer for that but the big thing is you need to you need to watch his ex-girlfriend talk about how he raped her. That is the one that is no longer a joke about,

who he wants to eat her arm, cannibalism, army hammer. We're not, he is not, he's not a monster because of that. He's a monster if what his ex-girlfriend said about how he broke up with her. You need to go look at the details of that i'm not going to get into it because it's so fucking harrowing but it's wild and yes you can rape your girlfriend for four hours by the way go look into it it's disturbing i'm sorry to always end things with on like a bad note it's 7 15 in the morning andrew's got to get on a plane let's get him in here uh yes and. And watch me on Bill Maher

because it might be my last TV appearance based on what I say about Louis because people do not like when people defend not canceling people. I think, I mean, bottom line, I just don't, you'll see my opinion.

You'll see my opinion on Friday when I solidify it because I don't know what it is yet. All right, let's get it. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of how to money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the

holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey

through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022,

and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E

on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough.

The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection.

It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, Andrew. How's it going? How are you holding down the fort?

How'd you sleep first of all i love your robe you i love thank you is it i am yeah you know i woke up i'm not night sweating so much it's actually not it's very coarse it's a very heavy robe nice hotel heavy robe um but i'm wearing it because You don't have your multicolored one? I didn't bring any sleep clothes. No, I should have brought that thing. I love that thing. Robes are so essential.

I definitely enjoy them. I don't know what I'm doing. God, I have to get my nails done. It was funny last night. I wanted to get a good night's sleep I wasn't really feeling that well So I went and got Z-Quil With the girlfriend

What did you eat that made you feel not well? I just didn't feel well earlier in the day I had a cold of some sort I don't know, I was stuffy Eating ass? I wish So I went and got Z-Quil We both took it.

You discovered Z-Quil at your girlfriend's a few weeks ago. And you were like, Nikki, I found out what could get me to sleep. And I didn't wake up through the night. Because Andrew has a thing where he wakes up throughout the night. I don't relate to that as a person with sleep issues. But I'm sure a lot of people do. You wake up throughout the night and you can't get back to sleep or yeah so i wake up around 2 a.m and i stay up usually for two and

a half hours and i do a lot of searching not soul just uh on the internet and uh yeah well hold on your body i gotta be honest with you i think your body knows now like 2 a.m you get to go you get this little hit of dopamine. And so you're waking up, you know, when you like wake up early on Christmas morning when you're a kid or like Jewish holiday kid things and you wake up early and you're like, Oh my God,

so excited. Or you wake up early, you know, like your body is excited about that dopamine hit. Like sometimes I wake up early if I'm like, have a good meal to like a breakfast I'm going to, you know, like, so you got to get out of the habit habit of doing you cannot go on your phone at 2 a.m i know you're never going to do that because you're an impulsive little boy but that's why your body is waking up it's not because i'm a big boy no you're you're you're impulsive and you

you aren't good at you need to put it in a safe at night or something so okay you got from your girlfriend but you you told me the next day like it was some miracle drug like i understand melatonin because it's like a natural supplement but zequil is like you know that's scissor like you're you're messing with like yeah scissor actually zequil has and i love how you oh and now i know why you said you had a little cold so So you got an excuse to take some Z-Quil. No, that's not true. That's why you prefaced it with cold because you knew. I didn't feel well.

He wanted to chug that scissor because you took it. After the race. I gave you, I admonished you the first time you took it. I go, don't take that stuff unless you're actually sick. And so this time you had to preface it with, I was a little sick. Not true. I hate when you do this. I hate when you don't i know what i

did i was feeling shitty before it was an after effect okay so i had a cold i had a cold and uh so i took the z-quill she took the z-quill we passed out and uh i didn't sleep well throughout the night actually i was kind of delirious and then i woke up at seven still half asleep she was half asleep i'm leaving for six days so we decided hey maybe we should try to have sex but neither one of us wanted to do the work because we were both still very groggy from the z yeah you're just so i go let's have sex sideways like sloths where we just kind of just you know tap just dip it in and she kept laughing because she looked at my face and i was literally half asleep still probably more asleep than i was throughout the night and she's dying laughing at

my face i can't stay hard i go here just take the toy i'm gonna go shower you come she goes no i want you to watch me i go you don't want to see my face i threw the toy at her i took a shower i came out she was dying laughing we got coffee great morning and so i warmed her up for the toy i was a human fluffer for a robot and i feel great about it so um morning i love that story i couldn't help but pull up a clip my own stand-up from 2013. Did you even listen to this story? I just... Oh, I give up up there after a couple seconds. If I'm up there, he's already given up. We're getting to it.

Now what? That's when you break out the old side sex. Have you done that? Or you break out the old side sex have you done that or you just it's the laziest so gross it's it's how you finish it definitely is no effort involved you always pat yourself on the back afterwards in the post-sex rap like what was that last thing we did? That was wild. We should contact Kama Sutra and let them know. Oh, you mean the two dead cows on the side of the road?

That old classic. Uh, yeah. Uh, Simpsons did it. And by Simpsons, I mean, Nikki Glaser did it 2013.

Side sex is so funny. And obviously I wasn't a good enough comedian to actually explore the premise there more than just a couple dumb lines. I was a young comic. But yeah, side sex is the laziest because you literally just, it's like you're cuddling

and then he puts himself into, it's like you're spooning and then you just put a penis in you yes no there is no muscular effort that is needed and then you just kind of you just kind of like go like that like you just kind of wiggle like you thrash about like a dying animal yeah you're like a dying fish on a boat yeah i wasn't listening to you can you repeat the part about because our listeners probably uh you know got distracted as well at some points in the podcast. It helped.

It's helped to go back. You didn't took you. So you had the side sex. She looked at your face. You were asleep. And then something about a shower. I was asleep. So then she kept laughing at me.

She couldn't stay horny because she looked over and I looked like a dead bear. Just like, hold on. Were you behind her or like were you like having missionary side no side side of her so she was kind of like still turned a little bit to me where she turned behind yeah yeah yeah she could still look a little bit over her shoulder yeah i'm behind her you're behind her it wasn't missionary okay no it was side saddle yeah right okay so then you then what happened when the

shower sorry so then i she kept laughing and i wasn't how often by the way do you have to retell stories to me i mean we have to do it to each other i love that you're not insulted right now thank you for not being insulted it's bad host etiquette to not have listened to your story but i i i apologize so anyway that how did the shower come into it what is but I, I, I apologize. So anyway, that, well, how did the shower come into it? I thought you were laughing at the story. Were you just laughing that you,

I was laughing at the store. I was laughing at her seeing your face sleeping because that was the last thing I kind of heard you say. So long story short, uh, I, she was laughing at my face cause I was literally still like sleep, like I was sleep

fucking and and i couldn't the more she laughed so we tried to scissor fuck so then you were laughing right so i started laughing i go look i'm not gonna come you're probably not gonna come because you're looking at my face with crusty eyes like or i have crusty eyes here just take the toy take the toy i'll go shower you come it'll be great and she goes no i want you to look at me i go you don't want to look at me i'm gonna fucking shower you're gonna come i like was like very like yeah like you're gonna yeah i get it i'm gonna do that like yeah yeah you're you're my yeah that's hot i'm like you don't do it then i'm gonna be mad at you yeah that's so hot so i went and showered and i came out 10 minutes later and she's smiling ear to ear she's like I got it done I love the the the uh BDSM type or like the

sub-dom relationship that you two have where you are just doing it so you don't have to like you're too lazy like you're like you fucking do this and like and she's like what like when guys are like lazy they but but that's hot to be like told what to do and be like it to change your tone and be like, you're going to fucking do, you're going to come and I'm going to take a shower. And if you don't, if you haven't come by the time I get out of the shower,

I'm going to, it's, you don't even want to know what's going to happen. Yesterday I was watching a porn where a guy, it was, everything was perfect about it. The guy was like training his girlfriend to be a whore. You know, like he was like making her take on bigger and bigger toys yeah yeah yeah it was it was a wipe out it was that wipe come out of your eye it's a new thing coming to wipe out um

but it was so funny andrew i should have recorded it the funny thing is i i even after saying the other day that when i see funny things on porn, I never think to capture them because I'm not in a funny state of mind. I should have done it. I need to remember for the next time because this guy, I should have screen recorded

and just recorded it for you because this guy is trying, everything's perfect, but I love porn where the guy is really vocal. You guys, seriously, if you ever find porn where the guy is really vocal. You guys, seriously, if you ever find porn where the guy is like telling the good, the girl, good girl, and like, you're such a slut, like talking a lot, please send it to me because literally Mike, the men, Mike, the men. But this guy, you could tell that his girlfriend was the one that was like it on it.

Like the one that was like wanting it to be like, because I've told guys before, hey, like they'll be fingering me. I'm like, tell me I can't come. And they're like, what? And I'm like, tell me I can't come until you say I can. And they're like,

don't, don't come. And I'm like, but like mean it. And I'm like, but also try to make me come and like make me beg for it. This guy definitely had had the same talk with his girlfriend before. She was the one that orchestrated this.

Cause she's like, she goes, he goes, you better not come. And she's like, and he's you better not come and she's like and he's doing stuff to her it's just like a shot from behind it's one of those amateur shots you know where he's like putting stuff in her butt and uh he's like you better not come and she goes what if i what if i do he goes you better tell ask me before you come don't come before asking

me and she goes what if i do and he just goes then you don't want to know like it was the most it was like it was so it was so he just goes you don't even want to know and it was you could i literally saw the girl's pussy dry up as he said because i could tell like i've put my i've put myself in those situations where i want the guy to do something and they just can't stick it. It's not because they're not sexy to me or whatever. It's just like that thing. I want recreated. Just the guy is not the type of guy to really put fear in me that he's going to hurt me if I don't ask before.

I don't want to be hurt if I come and don't ask for it. But I want there to be a consequence that I somehow I go. Wow, this guy's wild. He might hurt me like I want to kind of question it but not really again when you practice these things you need to have safe words you need because a lot of times no's mean like yes important i can't wait to have a boyfriend to come up with all of these tactics but don't enter into this world of like uh you know sub submissive dominate yes and if you're threatening if you're threatening someone you need you need a consequence you can't you can't keep it open you gotta have something i like i like you don't i like this is this is the way the guy should have said it so let's do a

role play okay andrew yeah okay so you're the girl becky i don't know why you're back becky if you don't ask to come and you come um you have ask to come and you come you have to ask me before you come you have to ask me but what if I come first honestly Becky I don't even think you want to entertain that because of what I have in store if you come without asking

but what did you hear my tone it's it's really scary my tone I still don't know what I'm gonna do to Becky but my tone suggests that it's going you're gonna like you know when a mom goes i don't if you like a mom doesn't even have a plan for getting grounded like grounding you but she'll come up with one i yeah that's what you tell me you'll lose screen time i'll take away your phone for you no reddit that would be a holy okay literally i might use that in my act i'm gonna write it down to have a guy dominate me by saying no screen time which is a rachel feinstein line she once told charade small because charade was being annoying one night at the cellar

and she was started turning into a mom and she goes charade i'm gonna take away your screen time if you don't stop this she's and it was so funny so i have to i would have to ask uh rachel if i could use the screen time because that's the funniest fucking line but um what i was gonna say at the end of that uh is good job retelling that story for me after i tried to derail it by proving to you that i thought of a joke before you um uh and also good job at uh making your girlfriend feels kind of scared so you could get a good shower in were you like horny in the shower when you got out and she came

I bet you were horny because I was wide awake and I bet you were turned on by yourself for being so dominant a little bit I just realized based on that role play though that I'd be a good I think I could get into like

I would like to be in a relationship I don't know if this though, that I'd be a good, I think I could get into like, I think I would like to be in a relationship. I don't know if this is possible where I could be the dominant one at times and be like, but I think it's more about, I would need to bring in another girl in our relationship and I would have to have, I wouldn't want to dominate a guy. I'd want to dominate a girl with a guy that like my guy.

So I think that could be in my future. Who knows? I am. I know that people are like nikki stop talking about sex we get it but i'm still figuring this all out it's so interesting to me oh and i just the one thing i want to read before we get to the news i did hornily when i was going through porn yesterday screenshot one of the titles that i was watching and it's so these titles this title was I had to screenshot he torture my verging okay verging okay VIRGING

he torture my verging pussy until my shaking orgasm fingering pink clean pussy 4k sexy moans I mean how many views does this video have with that title? I don't know, 6.1 million? 84%?

Let me look at it one more time. I mean, this guy's the Mark Twain of... Let me see. Again. He tortured my verging pussy until my shaking orgasm. Fingering pink clean pussy. 4,000 sexy moans. Does that mean...

Oh, 4K means maybe the the h the like yes yes that's the degree video okay why would you throw 4k at the end and then write sexy moans after 4k sexy moans i mean it's it sounds like a bot made this and that's probably what you guys will you please i want our listeners to send us in hilarious porn titles. If you can muster the strength to screenshot while you're jerking off to porn and the funniest porn titles I need to hear, but it's just that one really silly puns. Like I want like descriptive. No, I want and I want them to be like poorly written. That's like my favorite is like me shaking orgasm, verging my verging pussy.

Verge. They make it say virgin. Someone definitely dictated that. Like my mom sending a text, uh, my shaking virgin pussy, verging, like she said virgin, but it just corrected to verging.

And my mom sent it. My mom actually wrote that title when she was on her way to Aldi to check the, uh, discount food aisle. I got it. I, my, my verging pussy, wet virgin pussy wet 4K sexy moans. Let's get to the news.

Seaweed salad. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. What a great week of shows. You know, we're going to have an amazing weekend. You're going to have all the swells out there.

You're going to have so much fun. I really do feel that for all of you. I really do hope it happens. Okay. I'm literally going to have an amazing weekend. You're going to have all the swells out there. You're going to have so much fun. I really do feel that for all of you. I really do hope it happens. Okay. I'm literally going to have swells. I might go surfing. Really? Yeah.

I'll let you know. I hope you do. Thanks. With Pete Lee? Yeah. Pete asked me to go, and I'm like, I go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I go, Pete, that's so funny that you would ask me. Never.

Like, never. And he goes, I go, my dad might want to. My you would ask me. Never. Like, never. And he goes, I go, my dad might want to. My dad's in town. He goes, I would love to take your dad surfing. I go, who are you? You're like that guy, again, on Seinfeld. There's Elaine's dating this guy who wants to take Jerry's parents around New York. And she's like, why does he want to hang out with Jerry's parents so much? It's that same thing where I was like, if you want.

So I'm going to call my dad after this podcast and be like, do you want to go surfing? And then I might go just watch them. You can do it. You're a great swimmer. But, you know, I mean, depending. But I've never snowboarded and I have never been able to stand up on a skateboard by myself. So I'm not good at that. But all right.

I'm scared of sharks. Let's get to the news. A man was busted for brazenly masturbating in broad daylight in Times Square, New York City, in front of the American Eagle store. Oh, I know that store. Yeah, yeah. That's the most, probably most people possible walk around that store, walk around that area during the day. You're really going to get probably about- Especially now.

Isn't New York open again? Like, isn't New York and LA? By the way way la was supposed to open on june 15th i got here on june 16th no 15th yesterday was the 16th people are still wearing masks inside like there's different different everyone's doing their own thing i mean i'm glad the nation's open but um i'm guessing okay the new this guy took his penis out and listen he was a homeless guy. He was probably homeless. Yeah, he was homeless.

He lives in a shelter in Brooklyn. So the only thing I think is interesting is, did he make a plan to take the two trains into the city to jerk off in the most, you know what I mean? Like, was this like a day for him? Because if that's the case, it's hilarious. And you gotta know that you're gonna get busted so he knows it this isn't gonna last very long um okay well this man

clearly has a lot of mental issues and uh i i don't know i i wonder i bet it was a woman who told him to stop i i guarantee men i feel like turn a blind eye to men doing gross things with their penises in new york city as i found it's usually some like old new york woman being like you put that away no one wants to see that leroy or like leroy sounds like a black name i was actually picturing a white person when i said that by the way but like i feel like women are the ones to i would probably go stop. Like I would be the one, whereas I think men are kind of like. Have you never seen a guy jerking off?

Are you kidding me? I have a punch card. I've seen five. I get two more and I get one free. You get a smoothie? No, the thing is you don't say anything because it's,

again, I was just talking about on the opening about how Bill Maher's going to ask me about the Louis stuffs were really you know what you always pick stories that align with things I don't even know I'm going to talk about it's not just me I'm giving Andrew credit for this too it's a team team effort I know

but like you both chose these stories and like didn't know I was going to talk about my feelings about Louis like I'm so Bill Maher wants to talk to me about Louis to catch you up Andrew I love that I like you bring up what you're gonna say yet or are you thinking about it no i said to him i go actually i think i would love to talk he asked my permission like would that be okay and i go actually i think i'm ready um to be canceled because me and bill maher you know the woke woke i didn't finish the talk before woke people do not like bill Maher they think like the there's like a lot of he although he's liberal he they think that he is liberals uh some wokes a lot there are a lot of

people that don't like Bill Maher and think he's just a white man say like wanting to do what he wants and he had a thing last week where he's like I really liked his end of the show piece last week because he was talking about how everything like how you know black lives matter it was everything's so important to keep fighting racism but to act like we haven't made strides is insane like to act like we are in the same place we were you know 50 years ago 40 years ago like it's getting better they're still so he's like don't stop the effort but it doesn't we're not going like mission accomplished but we we have to acknowledge that it has gotten better and that is good we can't keep just piling on of like you know it's not enough yes but it doesn't mean we haven't accomplished things where then he made a great point of goes he goes guess what's

not getting better guess what's never getting better the climate uh the uh threat to democracy like homelessness in in la and new york like there are things that aren't getting better and there are no significant like moments to go okay wow we that wouldn't have happened two years ago you know he even says the cast of friends i've loved this point he said the cast of friends on their reunion that whole thing they did for atl max he goes it it looked out of place because never if you took in a show and said we are going to have four six white people living together with mostly white people around them as a sitcom you'd get laughed out of the room out of any room you pitched that in now then that was not you know that's 25 years ago and now that would not fly because we like to see diversity on tv and it's

a good thing that we have that but that is a change that we have to acknowledge and but then there's other things like you know i just loved when you said like climate change like that's all our environment is only getting worse yet we we never we never it's not like we never talk about that. But that is something that like, you know, we're not going to be around long enough to fix racism more if we don't put our efforts to other things, which I feel guilty sometimes because I'm such a vegan animal rights advocate. And I don't advocate for human rights as much as animal ones because I can't do everything. Anyway, I'm going to talk about Louie brings us back to the jerking off thing um when you're a woman that has a penis taken out in front of you in a situation where you're alone with the man or even if he's like close to you with his penis out and i've done a bit about this you think that you'll be able to go

because i've seen a penis on the train that was meant for me a guy was standing in front of me i was sitting on the train it was packed in in. He was a casual looking man. Didn't look like a dirty person that would take out his penis. All of a sudden, a man, his penis is in my face, like a foot from my face.

And I see it out and almost looks like it's out of his pants in a way that he doesn't know it's out. Like it's a mistake. And I thought it was a tattered belt at first

and then I moved and then the belt had girth. Like this is all a bit I used to do. But my point is like I got out my phone slowly because I wanted to take a picture of it. But then I spooked him and he ran away.

But I would never be someone to be like, put your dick away because you don't know if that guy, what he's gonna do with his dick. If a guy's brazen enough to take his penis out, what else is he capable of? You don't know. So in Times Square, I would be brazen enough. I can't say that I would. I would think I'd be brazen enough i i would i can't say that i would

i would think i'd be brazen enough because i'm protected by people around me but also in new york city i was on a train with people around me and i did not feel protected because people just kind of in new york you're on your own bitch that's kind of the the you know also i would never be caught dead in american eagle i'll tell you you that. I mean, it's I'm not going to be shopping there. What was it? 1997 jerking off in front of American Eagle. What is he jerking off next to the Abercrombie models? Before going to Hollister, it's a little darker.

You can get away. Why does he have zinc on his dick? Andrew. Oh, that's hilarious. Like a lifeguard. Yeah. Andrew. Yeah.

Have you ever seen a person jerking off in um new york city yeah yes i have and i didn't say anything i walked by and i and i was it a homeless person yeah i was homeless i've never seen like a regular like everyday normal person with their dick out i mean that would be no have you seen an everyday normal person with their dick out like a guy that you wouldn't suspect. Like it didn't make sense, but it was like he was sneakily doing it. I've seen a lot. Yes, I have.

It's a power thing. It's not about them wanting to. They want you to see it and they want you to freak out and be frozen. They love that. They love you to be like, huh? Yeah. And they jerk off to your scaredness. It's not like because guys that people always go, just jerk off alone.

Why do you need a girl? It's like, it's not about jerking off. It's about the power that they feel over people that are stunned into like shock. And that's what they get off on. And that's why what Louis did was not, it tells me more than he's just a perv that likes to jerk off in front of women

and make them watch. We all have our own thing. I like guys to tell me I can't come. It's a weird thing louis has to have that need met in a way that the woman can be consenting but part of louis fetish is the non-consent unfortunately and that's that's the problem like people go why can't this person just do it in a safe way and it's like no the, if he gets consent, it takes, like that guy going,

you don't even want to know what happened. It's going to feel like that to him. If he sets up a scenario where someone watches him, he needs that element of, oh, I'm scared. I'm guessing. And I'm also scared that he's going to hear me talk about him on Bill Maher and

reach out to me. Well, you could ask for consent and get consent, but that's still in his specialty. In his specialty, he talks about it. He goes, next time I'll ask more than once. Like, essentially, like, still putting the onus almost on the victim still somehow. No, he essentially is saying, I asked once. You could get consent while still, like, forcing consent, which sounds kind of crazy.

Absolutely, you can. Yep. So it's like, you got a yes, but it was in a situation where you're definitely going to get a yes. Asking a woman, I understand, what are you supposed to do, send a telegram? I'm about to ask you a question that might make you uncomfortable. Are you okay with that?

Okay, let me ask the first part. Can I please, are you good with that part? You know, how much do we have to ask i get that there but he the question can i masturbate in front of you when taken out of context in a situation where two girls are in your hotel room and it's not a sexy situation and it's bluntly asked is almost as bad as taking out your penis it's like it puts you into a state of shock of like, oh, okay, and you might say yes to something you don't want. And then there's a gray area of like he did ask, but what, and they might have said, yeah, whatever it is, I don't know the exact story,

but I need to watch a special before I go on that show. Next story. Next story, here it comes. Okay, here's what experts say that you text when you want to rekindle an old hookup. So this isn't like someone you dated. It's just like an old hookup, especially post-COVID now. So here's a few lines that this expert says is a good idea. I thought this was a study at first the way you were saying it.

So experts say if you want to rekindle an old hookup this is what you should do is that what we're reading yes okay yes correct okay so it's been a minute how have you been it's been i've been thinking about you it'd be fun to get together soon i see you chef and on ig guess it took a year to lock that lock down for you to learn how to cook i feel a little vulnerable here but i'm curious to revisit things between us and i'm wondering how you feel about it oh my god this is hilarious because what if someone was listening to our podcast and was just like okay i'm gonna write down whatever he says and they said that's all those things you said sound like something i

would send in one block like all of those things together like like i always overwrite every like you because you overthink and it's i can never keep yeah yeah yeah i know to that guy remember yeah yes i was like and you were like nikki it's too much it's a lot and i go why and you're like it's a lot and i was like listen it was just like what joe rogan said i'm a lot and i was like what do you mean and just like what Joe Rogan said. I'm a lot. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, you're just a lot. And I was like, I don't I don't know what that means. What it was. It is like when David Tell told me I was defensive in 2006 and I didn't understand what that word meant.

I literally didn't know what defensive meant. It was so embarrassing. I was I met David Tell and it was 2005 at the Insomniac tour. I was with my best friend Catherine to make this very short. We were at the we went to go see Dane Cook perform live. Uh, and it was, it was Dane Cook, Dave Attell, Sean Rouse, Greg Giraldo. They were all doing a thing at the house of blues. Turned out it was a TV taping. We didn't know that they asked us to be seat fillers because we're two hot chicks. They put us in the second row. We got invited to the VIP party later.

I had just started doing comedy. My friendatherine went up to all the comics and was like nicky just started comedy it was so embarrassing i told her i was like do not mention it i don't want to like these guys do not respect anyone that's been doing comedy for like a year like just let's play it cool and i do remember though that later in the night i got drunk and um i knew that sarah silverman who was i was obsessed with that time she was like my taylor swift at the time i knew she dated david tell and so i was like so excited to be in his presence as like david tell is just like my favorite and um he was like he i think he was drinking at the time so he was not the kind person that he was he is now like he is kind person but

he was a little bit volatile when he was drinking i believe because he was not that nice to me because he was like oh you wanna be sarah silverman oh real like he was doing and he goes and i go he goes say something funny then say one funny thing i haven't heard you say one funny thing all night we were like hanging out and i was like i don't know what to say what do you want like i don't have like do you want me to joke and he was like whoa this one's defensive so defensive and i go i don't why am i i'm not being defensive i don't know what defensive even i didn't know what defensive meant and my friend katherine had to take me aside and be like you literally are like it means that you just like have to defend like i didn't know what it meant um that's a long way to say that

what is that the last last DM you wrote that guy? Oh, God. I know. You being like, Nikki, no. It's just funny because I draft all of the texts that I send guys that I'm worried about. Girls, does anyone else out there do that? When you have a weighty text to send someone, you make a draft in your notes. So I have a note. I have literally a note. I put all of them together because I kept going through my phone.

It's the same place I keep my stand up. So every time before I would go on stage i would always go through my notes to be like where's the last joke i wrote you know um and so i started seeing all these these drafts of texts which when you look at them a month later you're like this is so dumb why was i so worried about this text so i decided to lump them all into one thing and this is this is so funny i have to add more because there's been so many more so this is from 2019 you should get your song lyrics from you're so right okay well let's try to find a lyric in it so these this is text to boys i put

them all in one place because they were all over hey you hey wait no hey you and i talked about me possibly coming by tonight what do you think okay that Was all based on the book I was reading because that guy did make plans With me and it would always like be like hey let's hang out On Friday and then like Friday would come and Like I wouldn't hear from him so that was my attempt Then there was another one yes oh Then there was another oh I can't read this one because

It's like uh yes that happened You and I were not in a committed relationship at the time It wasn't something I felt comfortable telling you and I'm sorry For how this must make you feel. Then there's another one. These are all just different boys, but I put them all in the same note. I had the best time. You're hilarious and made me feel so comfortable.

Thank you. Thank you. With an exclamation mark. Hey, you had mentioned hanging out this weekend. I get back in town tomorrow late afternoon. What do you think? Like these are all Noah probably wrote most of these to be honest with you and then yeah i love these because like i was telling i was telling noah when we were talking about this story i was

like all you should write is hey i want to come and i need a body like that's what we're essentially saying with all these andrew the other night I shared with you something that I texted someone who I used to sleep with and I was very blunt like that and I want to know what you think I did wrong in that scenario I just think it's not I don't think you did anything wrong it's not you I literally said that sounds cheesy but it's not you i said i i it was like hey good to see you and i go hi um i don't know why we're not banging um it's i said loved hanging but i also feel like we should be sleeping together or at least not or at least doing hand stuff because why not and then he wrote a whole thing of like yeah i'd be down and i go tonight and then he didn't write back to that um i said

yeah he said talked about some uh sex toy thing that we used to talk about using he said i said get that thing up and running again because i want to get slutty with you uh and then i said something hot and then got nothing back and then he wrote back the next day like sorry i did it and i just i i essentially did that i go i want to come and uh i expect you just, you don't even have to use your dick. I know you might be worried that your dick might not work. Like whatever. It's been a while since we fooled around.

So maybe he's worried about performance. And I go, just plug it in and make me come. And then he still won't. So I think that's a separate issue, right? Yes, I think. What did I do wrong there? Did I write too much? You didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. The only thing that I would think that you did wrong there is not show your value. But. Value? I want to come. I know my value. I know. I know.

But if you go, if you go to a guy, I'm just telling you, if I got a message like, hey, we don't have to fuck you. We just do finger stuff. It sounds desperate. I don't want to fuck him, though. That's my value is I don't want to fuck. I'm telling you, though, but how someone can read it. He doesn't know that.

Oh, got it. I'm not saying that you are. And the way I said it, I was like, we don't have to. We can just do this. Like, it's like, I'll do anything. I'll do anything you want. Just come over. It's like, I think you need to, with this guy, I think you got to go, look, are we ever

going to fuck in the future? Do you want to fuck in the future? Yes or no? Just tell me so i don't have to stop with this playing around games or whatever and i just think i don't want to fuck i just want to be tied up and have him use toys on me i mean that's all i want i told him that i know but if he's not doing it then then just whatever it's not it's not you great transition into our sports moment here's andrew's weekly sports moment lebron james gets tied up and told not to come oh no i mean he's probably into some weird stuff no doubt um coca-cola shares dropped four

billion dollars after cristiano ronaldo who's a very famous soccer player moved two bottles out of view and picked up the water bottle before portugal's match against hungary so essentially he's like look i'm ripped i have a great body. I care about my health. This isn't it. Water is for me. Oh, I thought this was all because he is a Pepsi guy. I literally thought he was endorsed by Pepsi, and so he had to get the Coke products. Because he has a million logos behind him. He goes, agua.

And so he goes, water over Coke. And then Coca-Cola's shares dropped. $4 billion. Because ronaldo see the thing is like we're in america like like tom brady for instance has like 30 million followers and he's like i understand what he means 300 million followers on instagram i don't think though that people are not going to drink coke because he moved that i don't think that that's uh i think why do things drop because if it dropped that quickly it's not like coke actually people stopped buying coke that day yes it's like yeah it's what they

anticipate is going to happen but like none of this makes sense to me of like when things drop and go up it's like it's like the vibe it's like the stock market reads the vibe it's not actually money they're not reading like the receipts because there's no way that they saw these transactions this happened so fast it's like they foresee that coke has a bad rep now yeah it's good fuck coke they've been do you know that coke doesn't need to advertise they're number one like by far but they keep advertising just to keep up their brand like they they just need you to remind you that they're a brand that you should associate with like americana and like just not even america it's global now but like that they don't need to advertise they don't need to convince you to drink coke they just do it so that coke is a part of

your like you see it everywhere and that you can't avoid it yeah i mean but it's not to sell it to you it's just to be like hey coke should have to have a skull on the side of the cup you know what i mean or a side like well we were talking yesterday about all the things that cause sodas killed millions so many coke is if you're drinking coke as anything more than like a treat i had a diet malandu yesterday so well diet diet soda whatever like no one if you think diet soda is going to make you skinny you are so one of the dumbest people alive but i do understand i used to be addicted to diet soda it does not make you thin it does not make it does not support a healthy

because it convinces your body you're getting sugar so it it it makes you want sugar more and you're going to overeat eventually and that's what it does and there's literally all the science behind it to prove it no one's skinny because they drink a ton of coke um however diet coke yeah yeah if you are a diet coke sorry if you're drinking sugary syrupy cokes good good good on you treat yourself like a dessert but if you're drinking them every day and listen i have my things i drink two lattes a day i'm doing almond milk so it's not like and i don't do like it's not as much sugar and i do stevia which is a natural substitute that will be proven to give you cancer when you know in 20 years when they come out with the studies but right now i'm in the dark um but you gotta cut soda out that's the funniest thing

is when someone goes i just stopped drinking uh peps lost, you know, 200 pounds. It like falls off. If you're someone who drinks sugary sodas and you stop, wait till you see what happens. It's just crazy to me that people want to consume their calories in that way. But I do understand having a delightful little, those little bottles of Cokey. God, a found soda is so good though. God damn. Like on a road trip.

Have it for a treat. Yes. You just don't need to have it every day. It's like a dessert. You wouldn't have a a road trip. Have it for a treat. Yes. You just don't need to have it every day. It's like a dessert. You wouldn't have a creme brulee every day, you know? But don't say never unless it's something that you, you know, for me, I say never to those things because they open up a part of my brain that goes, girl, get more. It's never going to be enough.

Have more. And so I can't have it. It's like like you know an alcoholic with yeah alcohol but if you can allow yourself to have one coke a week come on i live a little let's get to uh so sports moment isn't christian ronaldo by the way didn't he he's not the one that got accused of rape yeah he did but yes he did in las vegas with a girl that they had a photograph of him hitting on her and then she described a pretty brutal encounter. Yet we're still, he's still famous?

Yeah, I don't know. Just checking. All right. Yeah, that's... Listen, again, the cancel culture thing, he has a right to play soccer, but I have a right as someone who knows what he did to never want to hear his name on my podcast again.

Yeah, I forgot. Because why are we entertaining this person that is not it has he been cleared of the rape charges yes he was but okay well then that's fine i mean he's didn't go to jail and he didn't yeah what was he was did he was he tried um i don't know details but he obviously wasn't so funny to me that we just forget like the army hammer thing i mentioned before everyone talks about army hammer being a cannibal and laughs about it but no one knows the real story which is that he raped his girlfriend it's like how do these things not get out how am i the only and i only saw that because i was googling the more famous you are the more it gets swept under a rug

i mean it just happens like no one there's enough people that don't care the morning show that was a great moment on the morning show that i overheard while i was packing uh and you kept watching it and i i got a little spoiler alert but someone was like that's how it works we all know jennifer anson's telling researchers and do you think that if i put my foot down anything's gonna change she's like that's the way it works is that we know these disgusting men do these things we we can't accuse we can't say everything that we see if we did we we wouldn't get anything i forgot what her speech was but she was like it's the way the world works like and there is a part

of that of like it's just the way it feels so insurmountable the only reason harvey weinstein got brought down was why because the new york times decided to do a piece on it like uh or cosby everyone knew he was a rapist like people knew that and it was all at the end of their career like ronaldo might get taken down when he's 80 and he can't dribble anymore and he isn't hot okay let's get to listener bail this has been a yeah yeah the only thing he could do is dribble yeah and you know it's gonna be water because that guy does not like yeah he does not like coca-cola he's a good man all right let's get to listener mail love this seggy okay so this is all uh this is when we hear from you guys we

like to hear from you all the time about anything um but these are the specific ones that you sent in via our dms on nikki glazer pod or uh you know the nikki glazer podcast at gmail.com or a voice memo i met a fan of mine last night who my friend at the show he goes he's running the show he goes do you mind if my friend takes a picture with you or like meet you she's a big fan and i go yeah of course it's fine she comes out this girl is shaking crying she's my age too i i'm sorry to insult her if you're listening lisa are you my age you looked like in your 30s uh she had like blue pink hair so cool looking a cute little like she's a suicide girl um like she does like kind of like dress up but she's like more like a my little pony suicide like pinks and like i don't know like i picture

suicide girls like gothy but i looked into her she's a very cool girl she's like has only fans and stuff her name is uh lisa doll l-i-z-a doll d-o-l-l if you want to look at her up and support her she was the sweetest thing she's shaking she's She's crying. She goes, I don't even know. Like you mean so much to me. And you guys, I, she later DM to me. She was like, thank you for the picture. And thank you for, and I was like, honey, you're, she made me more nervous. She made me feel like I go, I completely understand how you feel right now because I, this was what I would do if I met Taylor Swift. And I cannot believe that someone is having the same reaction or feels the same way about me that I feel about Taylor Swift like I felt like Taylor Swift in that moment and I've seen Taylor Swift deal with fans that are reacting that way and how she like hugs them

brings them in and becomes friends with them and like they still it doesn't and I I handled that situation the way I know Taylor Swift has so I look forward to more of those because they made me feel like Taylor Swift and I understand being that big of a fan. So it was the moment of like, oh, my God, don't feel bad that you're crying or shaking. Like, I get it. And I don't think I deserve this from you, but I'm going to accept it. And she was so sweet. So if these aren't DMs from our fans telling them how much they love me, I'm skipping this

segment on the heels of Lisa doll. OK, let's get to the dm i'm sorry no i just had to tell that shout out this one is from lexi oh another l name hey nikki i am such a big fan i definitely cried oh my god whoa no what the fuck i definitely cried when you up was finished and i wasn't sure what was coming next i work from home so you and andrew have been like my friends that i get to spend my day with i want to say thank you for normalizing so many things for me just today. I was feeling very sad because it is so difficult to get up in the mornings. And within two minutes of your podcast, you said the exact same thing. And I felt so seen. So thank you. Your bestie Lexi.

Oh, Lexi, thank you so much. And girl, right? Like, I I help my, I don't want to, I never think I'm like a hero. I don't want anyone to think that I am, but it really feels good to me when I hear people have changed their points of view about little annoyances in life or like feeling depressed. Last night I was on stage and I was talking about being wildly depressed last year and wanting to shave my head and how Joe Rogan was the only one that reached out to me about it, about my cry for help on Twitter about shaving my head even though it was a joke and it was really it was it's working into a funny thing but I said to the audience I go is anyone else suffer massive depression last year at some point and everyone claps and I and

I was like and you got through it good good job and I literally sincerely was like and if you're going through it now I'm really sorry and i i like know that feeling it feels so good to say that not to have a punch line just but to make people feel seen like i'm sorry if you're out there and you're having a hard day i'm fucking sorry because i know how it feels and it sucks it feels so good to feel seen so i'm glad i made someone feel that way and um and i truly the other day when i got out of bed and felt sad i thought of my besties and how they are able to snap out of it sometimes when they hear me talk about it so I was like remember the advice you give to your besties and heed that yourself and do something kind for yourself and then it snapped me out of

it let's get to the next one any thoughts Andrew sorry to no no I I think that's all great I think you know Joe Rogan has a bald head so he was was like, yeah, Nicky doesn't want this. Oh, no. He was like, don't you dare step on mine. Yeah, don't step in my lane. Don't you dare start working out and doing curls. Let's get to a voice message from Chris. Hey, guys.

Gotta be honest. I kind of like No-Drew Nick better than No-Drew Key. I think it kind of sounds like a good name. No-Drew Nick. No-Drew NickNick better than No-Drew-Key. I think it kind of sounds like a good name. No-Drew-Nick. No-Drew-Nick. That's all. No-Drew-Key is the name that someone gave

us for Noah Nicky. Noah Andrew Nicky. No-Drew-Key and No-Drew-Nick. Sorry, Chris. I like No-Drew-Key. Yeah. I mean, you could do no and nick or nick nick no drew yeah if we were gonna do first parts you know what i mean like i'm glad taking the last spot um okay on there but i you know i did nicky and sarah live that was a weird

debate when we were naming that show me and sarah schaefer. It was like, should it be Sarah and Nikki or Nikki and Sarah? Bottom line is Nikki and Sarah just sounds like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and we almost named this the Andrew Colin podcast,

but it just, no one wanted it. And, uh, no, no, three people, my mom and my old Andrew and Nikki.

If me, you and I had a show, the Nikki and Andrew show, the Andrew and Nikki if me you and I had a show the Nikki and Andrew show the Andrew and Nikki show I would have to say Andrew and Nikki sounds better than Nikki and Andrew I would do Nikki and Andrew all day long given our kind of like vibe like oh are you talking about like but like if we are just even in a vacuum Andrew and and nikki no nikki and andrew i think it just nikki nikki flows better andrew is more at the end it's like it almost stops the sentence like andrew um andrew nikki like nikki like yeah nikki yeah yeah it's a porn star's name nikki glazer is the if i do porn my name's gonna have to be like agatha reynolds

it'll have to go the other way yeah yeah yeah my name is so glazer nikki nikki's already like so many fans name nikki and i think probably like 10 is just because i'm nikki she's nikki like nikki like it's it's just like. You want to hear the interaction of me and Nikki's? Okay, come up and meet me at a meet and greet and say your name. Hi. Hi. Hi, what's your name?

Nikki. How do you, oh yes. How do you spell it? With a Y. Oh, I love that. You know what? It's different than mine because I do N-I-K-K-Y. Obviously you probably know that.

But yeah. Is it N-I-C-K-Y or N-I-K-K-Y? Oh, it's with a K. Two Ks like you. N-I-K-K-Y? I've never heard that. I love that. Bring it in.

Let's get this picture and get you moving. Just kidding. Oh, my God. We're the same. I love every Nikki, but I do love when they're spelled the same as me. But I like learning new spellings. However, I just want to say, blank, I need to say this. People keep coming up to me and saying, I know you hate pictures.

I don't know when I put that out there. I do not hate pictures with fans. I love them. This guy came up yesterday. He goes, are you sure? I listen to your podcast. Are you sure you hate? Are you sure?

I know you're not. You won't lie. And I go, I promise you, I want to take this picture. And he goes, I i i really and i go you know what i don't like i'll be honest with you is this well i just trust me let's take the picture and he goes i won't tag you and i go no tag me just keep your hand off my ass that's all i want have your have your phone ready to go but also i don't really care this is for more bigger celebrities keep your phone have your phone in your purse get it out take a picture and then post that shit tag me in it because that's really the hurtful thing is when people take a picture and then they it ends up in their phone noah that they don't back up and it's just on a phone in a fucking bin underneath your

bed like do something with the picture so i can repost it if I look good. All right. Let's hear from Sir Coke. Oh, here we go. Coke. Sir Coke on Instagram. He says, Andrew's dog made my dog bark. Whoa. Please don't do it again. Hold on.

Everyone brace yourself. It's so loud. Okay. Okay. We need to put that dog down i'm taking that into the pound and i'm saying don't even try to get it adopted we need to end this thing's life take them to the bathroom no that is a good dog i love that thank you sir coke okay let's get to a voice message from donnie d-a-n-i oh hi nikki and andrew and noah this voice um love the pod i'm a day one listener of course um i just wanted to say i've been playing guitar for about eight years now um and listening to nikki's rants the past few days Has inspired me To write the lyrics to my very first Song So I don't have a melody yet

But I've got some lyrics down This is the farthest I've ever gotten And I just wanted to say it was a lot Easier than I thought it would be It came out that bad So thank you Nikki For the inspiration and Kuh

Nothing about that was cut. You've been playing guitar eight years. I'm so jealous. You're probably so good. I'm so glad that you took the chance. Like, because you can write a song. Everyone can write a song. That's what I thought was like, it's only for special people.

But you also can write a song. Anyone can. And that's so cool. I want to hear your song, Danny. Will you send it to me when you're done and on Instagram or through the email? We won't play it on the show, but I would like to hear it.

I mean, we will if you want us to or if it's good enough, but I'll send you my song if you send me yours and you can't share mine with anyone. But I haven't even. Oh my God. I didn't even know this was gonna. I didn't even know this was gonna... I really didn't know this was gonna happen.

I really didn't. I'm serious. The universe. I believe in God and I believe that things happen cosmically. But what just happened is insane. Cosmically? So guys, honestly,

our listeners now know that this show is put together. This is how it goes. Noah reads over news stories and then compiles a list she sends those to andrew andrew then selects two to three stories from that list including a celebrity one for why do you care and it's all random i don't know usually originally i was like let me pick the news stories i think it's more fun for me to not and it's less work um the and all the segments that are have voice messages i do not vet these before because i'm i didn't know this either and

also because it's more fun and then and then and then we just get into random topics i cannot believe this so here's a voice memo yeah just and here's what it's called okay this is how she labeled it by the way she labeled it from because you get to say who you are when you do this what you get to type it in she wrote another nikki and i kki seriously my name is nicole i mean i can't i can't i'm like i didn't know it either i don't think you did you don't lie okay let's get into this nikki what do you have to say i can't i'm gonna love it uh hi Nikki and Andrew and Noah um so I'm 23 I just started masturbating and um I'm just kind of looking for any tips I'm really not getting anything out of it I feel like I can really only get off my partner so yeah if there's any tips for that

and then also I started trying out anal with a vibrator and does it just feel good because it feels like you're you're shitting or is like what's what's going on back there I don't know uh let me know oh, I love you. Congratulations on being 23. She sounds like the girl from American Pie. One time at band camp, I put an anal bead in my asshole. I love people that, you know, she's so pure that she just started masturbating at 23, which is a late start.

We can all agree. But that's around the time when I first started touching myself, too, for pleasure and didn't know what the fuck I was doing and struggled with it for so long. So I relate so much. But at the same time, she's also like and then and then she just jumps into the anal thing. There's like the innocence of not masturbating. But then, like, she's also trying anal. I love you so much, Nikki. You're it sounded like I was listening to myself, to be honest.

Tips for masturbation. I would get the right toys. Think about during penetration if you like clitoral stimulation or inside stuff. If so, based on that, I would have a clit-sucking device that has no extra attachments that can just latch onto your clit that you hold at the top and then i would have a thrusting like dildo the shameless flirt is the one that i recommend it's called the shameless flirt it's green and i would i would have that so you have penetration plus the suction of a little suction thing um there's tons of those little sucking things it's like the satisfier is one the womanizer

but they're everyone has them now and i would uh start and then also get a magic wand start with the wand watch porn think about things that make you horny um and then slowly like tease yourself like actually try to like tempt yourself and try not to come how about that try an exercise where you do everything you can not to come oh what do you what if she does come though nikki what are you gonna do to her oh well you don't even uh wanna know what i could i got a lot of tricks up my sleeve but you better i'm gonna go take a shower uh i'll be back uh 20 minutes what about using it with a partner too like maybe break out a little vibrator so then it's like connected with that partner maybe yeah i think try to masturbate in front of your partner i'm

not a sex expert either i would actually send you to um sexwithemily.com has tons of just advice on every different thing you could ask for and she actually has the way she talks about like you know just being aware of your body and like focusing on your vagina and focusing on your body and like feeling it like can really help facilitate pleasure that you can't tap into otherwise noah what were you gonna say so i had a friend and i feel like it's very important to say this because she brought up putting a vibrator near her butthole i had a friend and i feel like it's very important to say this because she brought up putting a vibrator near her butthole i had a friend who's an x-ray technician and so many people came in because they had stuff sucked up their butts and it's very important i couldn't get it if you're

going to use a dildo in your butt make sure it has the stopper yes because otherwise it's going right up in there it that's the thing about an asshole thank you noah your asshole's very tight and it will like vacuum things go in yeah it won't it's not like a vagina it can't like it's not going to be as easy to push it out so definitely get anal like tools and nikki you're absolutely right kind of thing in my special the half hour on netflix if you want to hear me talk about anal I have a lot to say about it but I do say on that special that you will like anal

if you like shitting and that's true if you take shit sometimes and they feel so orgasmic which is the way it feels for me sometimes I would say one in every 100 shits I'm like oh my god like I literally I would like to just shit forever if it always felt that way.

It's it just feels like an orgasm. That is the way it feels to. Yes. You think you're shitting the whole time that you have anything in your asshole because your asshole is not used to having things up there. So it just thinks it's poop. So when you pull out, when you like are inserting a thing in your butt and pulling it in and out, it's going to feel like poop going in and out.

And you're going to think that you're just shitting everywhere which you might be so do you know but um you could be if you don't clean yourself out first but uh yes it does feel like you're shitting and if that's not pleasurable for you maybe it's not for you but i would still um keep trying and see if it works because i think shitting can be really pleasurable to like try to and i think that's there's something there's there's something going on there it feels so good do you ever feel that way andrew when you shit yeah for sure do you know that feeling yeah yeah there's certain shits that are like there's like almost like an orgasmic feel to it yeah yeah and then you look in the bowl and it's just like a dick i mean i've i mean we've all had poops before where it's like

i could give birth out of my like yeah you know where you're like yeah people go oh my god how could you have a dick up there then your your your butt will never go back to normal shut up shut up when i talk about anal and anyone that thinks that I have a baggy asshole because I've done anal, you know, probably 70 times in my life. You're so stupid because your shits are so much bigger than dicks sometimes. They are. Shits are bigger than dicks. It should be a shirt for sure. Shits are bigger than dicks.

No, who's going to wear that? But you sometimes look in the toilet and you go, that's a straight up dick. You know? It's so gross. Sorry, everyone. that but you sometimes look in the toilet and you go that's a straight up dick you know it's so gross sorry everyone we're ending the week on a weird note final thought andrew you're going to visit your family yeah i'm excited speaking of shit uh yeah i'm gonna go see my nephews so i'm excited and uh you haven't seen them in a while how old are they uh seven like six four and one and a half i'm probably wrong and then teddy is nine months the other one so four my four nephews oh so it's all your family together yeah my dad's driving up he bought

a new sprinter van which is like that mer Mercedes van that has like a bed in it. Yeah, it's the thing that almost killed Tracy Morgan. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, in that accident. That's why it was so fucked up. They were all just like, you know, out of their seats. Like, just like.

Oh. You know, I think. Well, this van is dope. Oh, my God. It's amazing. My dad is afraid of flying, but he won't admit it. He'll go, you know, I'm just older now. I don't need to fly.

Oh, I like the scenery on the trip from Florida to fucking Connecticut. He's driving seriously, like 48 hours. Well, it's 24 hours, but yeah. Oh, my God. But he won't admit that he's afraid. Like, it's so funny because my grandma was deathly afraid. What is he scared of flying for? I remember my little brother's story about when he was afraid of flying and the pilot came back.

And my brother was crying and the pilot's like, we'll get you there safe. And he looks up and he goes, who's flying the plane? Oh, my God. That's so funny. But it was in the air and the pilot like. Yeah. Okay. So there was a co-pilot situation.

But that is really funny. That's it makes me so mad when people are scared of flying. It's like it's... I know. I get it because I used to be scared of flying, but these old people that go their whole lives fearful of this thing and then they always act like they like taking trains. Maybe because they flew in the 70s, you know, when it was scarier

and people were smoking on the plane. I'm just saying, maybe that's why. It's not. It's an irrational fear. I mean, it really is. It's the chances of you dying. They don't want to die that way. They don't want to take the chance that they might die that way.

I get that. They want to die in their own hands. It would be a terrible way to die. But your dad is going to die someday and it's not going to be fun. It's going to be. It's every i just like people that are you're just missing out on so much life by taking 24 hours to drive across the country well i think he's gonna look at it differently i think he looks at it like i get to see the country

i'm not i'm retired why am i in a hurry to get anywhere i kind of like that approach in a way convince ourselves when we're scared that's all it comes have you ever seen the mountains of virginia nikki on a spring of vm uh i mean your dad could also see the mountains of virginia as his plane flies into one too he would have a really cool view of it right before he goes that would be the thing is with flying i don't mean to make anyone feel bad about their phobia of flying because it's a real thing and like it's i understand it's like truly crippling but um if you want to overcome your fear of flying uh there's an alan carr book for that and you don't it's not going to make you take a plane ride to read it you just read it and

see what happens see what happens be open to the idea that this thing that millions of people do every day and the chances of you being in a plane crash you would have to be flying for 800 years straight never touching the ground always in a plane for an incident to happen and that does not mean a crash in which you die because most crashes people don't die they're just like little collisions on the runway those it would take 800 years for you to have an incident of flying non-stop those are the odds um some people don't want to take those odds i guess but you're you're missing out on life and and fear is holding you back but uh you know i have a lot of fear of things too so i i relate but your dad come on he

is a smart enough man to you got to give him shit for that you got to get into admitting what does he say no i did he's just like no i you know i'm not in a rush i mean he was on a plane like last year yeah and he's flown to europe okay he's flown he does fly he just hates it but got it okay it's not it's not crippling completely, but it could be if he crashed. But yeah. I do like the idea of looking at the plane tracker, and if your plane was going down and you just followed a tracker all the way to the ground. I'm not kidding you.

That's what happened on my plane two days ago when I woke up and we were about to land in Dallas. I was like, this plane has been hijacked. No one on the plane knows. I know. I'm about to watch the plane tracker plow into a silo in fucking Lubbock. I hate when people leave a tracker up the whole flight too because they don't pay attention to it.

But all I can do is look at it and realize like, oh, I have another fucking five hours. I'm tracking this podcast and we got to plow this thing into the deep blue sea but have a great weekend guys thank you so much for listening thank you Andrew thank you Noah thank you besties we will see you on Monday have a great great weekend and watch

me on Bill Maher tomorrow night Friday and please consider getting tickets to my tour because it's shaping up and it's going to be so so fun NikkiGlaser.com slash tour and also I'm going to be at in Cancun, November 3rd through the 7th on a special vacation, destination event, comedy event in Cancun. You can find details on my Instagram.

Thank you guys so much. Love you. See you Monday. Love you. Bye. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeart

Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult.

He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night.

It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics,

and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Listen to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.