The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #53 Poppying Out Hard

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

Between you and Nikki, sometimes comedians bring their "A stuff" or new material to the stage. Andrew is the only man in Greenwich CT who is sleeping on an air mattress and gets a special wake up call from his nephew. Nikki would love to get her neck hugged, partied with her parents and told a Clueless actor that she loves him this weekend. They coin a new phrase and in the news they cover stories that involve sex on a mountain top, creepy bar customers and Dave Chappelle singing with the Foo Fighters. Top1 Bottom1 of paternal communications and in the Final Thought they discuss how one of Nikki's special friends stands the test of time. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman,

LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys.

How's it going out there? All the swells to you this Monday morn here in Los Angeles. Still here, extending my trip as I go. Love this life that I've concocted for myself. I'm in a great mood today. As you know from last week, first of all, I really hope you guys all had a good weekend and got to interact with a lot of you online and actually in person shout out last night to the bestie Jess bestie Jess who I saw in the parking lot of a show I did supernova here in LA which is

if you come to LA definitely check out supernova that's the name of the show but the the place they do that has a bunch of comedy so check it out it's um in Hollywood it's the name of the show but the the place they do that has a bunch of comedy so check it out it's um in hollywood it's the best it's so fun but anyway last night i showed up for my set um like i was closing the show because i was at dinner before with david spade my mom not a big deal just mom dropping name name dropping my mom and um we went we rushed over got there just in time ran up on stage and um i did my set was just like not what sometimes noah people get really excited to see me and come out like these this is the problem with shows at supernova or anywhere like anywhere you go see comics and there's like

a bunch of comics on the bill uh in a city like new york or la it can go it can range from doing your a material that you take it on the road and close with or it can be like new material because even though it's a big show with headliners like you might see your headliner bomb because we're working on new stuff not bomb but you know like not do as well as other people in the show so the one guy I said the other night, he goes, after the show, he goes, so what is this? Like comics, just like, this just a place for them to work out. And I go, for me, it is.

I go, you are going to see every kind of thing. And sometimes I pull out the A stuff because I'm in the mood to do the A stuff. It's whatever I'm in the mood for. Last night though, for, oh, for instance, the other night I went on stage, I posted a picture of it, me and Andrew Santino. you want to see it it's a great picture it's uh at uh Liz Vidge on um Instagram L-I-Z-V-I-G she does the best comedy photography I mean it's insane my dad my Father's

Day post um yesterday is all her uh because she came out she I'm gonna um have her come out and shoot my tour because she just captures great moments and has great style and um yeah I'm Liz Vig L-I-Z V-I-G and um follow her on Instagram there's a picture from the other night of me and Andrew Santino like he brought me up and I'm just like coming up and in between we're talking and it's the moment I go was that on was that I go was that new because he killed and it was really worked out stuff like I was like I haven't heard it before I go is that new and he goes yeah and I go fuck you like I was just it's a moment of me being like is that new god damn you and I I still uh think it wasn't brand new it was too worked out like I I can see as a comedian when like

something is like I just know you know but it it was probably new in the sense of what he was saying but I was like fuck I'm doing stuff that I'm saying for the first time like literally I didn't get to talk about my thoughts on Louis on Mar because we did just decided not to go there but um I have been like oh maybe I should talk about it on stage it like got my mind kind of thinking about it and how to make it funny and I'm on stage last night like espousing about you know my thoughts on Louis and cancel culture and then I realized I had no punchline and I literally was like there's nothing there's nothing funny about what any of this and people I go I you know then you do the classic joke this is a classic comedy save if you ever hear a comedian go I don't know why

I've turned this into a TED talk that is just that is the hackiest out there's only like one person that used that originally once and then all of us since then have used it as like an easy out and it's true I mean sometimes and especially in this setting that I was in it looks like a TED talk and it just cuts the tension of like I acknowledge this is not funny and then at the very last so I got the light and I'm like I cannot get off stage these people probably some of them came to see me Tom Segura was also on the show uh there was like this the lineup was sick last night I got there late so I didn't see everyone that was on it but you know there were really great comics on the show let's see who was on it I have a picture of

it here um so they saw Anthony Jeselnik they saw Jeff Jeff Ross, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ian Edwards. Yeah, they had a great show. And then me, I come up there. And I go, I'm sorry I just spent the whole time proselytizing. And I go, by the way, I'm fucking stoked that I just nailed that word. I go, that's the first time I've ever attempted to say that word. And I got nervous. And I nailed it. So then I go, let me just acknowledge because the what I'm

trying to do on stage now is just always be as honest like you have to do material that you maybe are not in that same frame of mind when you wrote it but I try to get there and especially when I'm in a position where I'm I'm out of like material I'd really I'm just up there I've kind of like everyone's kind of like underwhelmed by me even though I'm the closer like material. I'd really, I'm just up there. I've kind of like, everyone's kind of like underwhelmed by me, even though I'm the closer. And you know, I walk on stage and people are like, like, it's a huge response. It's really nice. Like things have changed for me. I'm coming back from the pandemic and now people like know who I am.

And it's in a way that they didn't before. It's so nice. But the pressure is like, oh boy. Like I know that afterwards people are going to like she just like wasn't as good so whenever I bomb now I go or last night I go let's can I just say I I want to give you guys a good show I haven't yet I have to get off stage let me like really bring it home I'm gonna give you at least one minute so you can when you're on the car ride home you can be like she really bored us the whole time until the last minute and you'll maybe remember that and I go and uh I did a bit and it did oh it did well and then I I close with the the joke of you know

my molestation chunk that I talked about on uh that's it's going great by the way I've really figured out that chunk of material so I close on that and then I as I'm getting on stage I go so I go please remember that this this was I was working out stuff I had to do that and I go, please remember that this, this was, I was working out stuff. I had to do that. And I go, I know this wasn't as funny as the roast compilations you've watched with me on YouTube, because that's what everyone's always compared. Like people are fans of mine because they see me on, I have millions of hits on these roast compilations where I fucking slay and it's just joke, joke, joke, joke. And then they come and see me and I'm like, you know, I just think that if you're not a bad person, you just know that if you accidentally say the N word when you're singing WAP that you didn't mean to, it was an accident.

People can forgive you. And they're like, what is this? Just make a joke about someone's, you know, how you want someone to die. And so it's just the best part about comedy, I feel, is my job is always just to be honest in the moment. So sometimes I have take a breath and go what am I feeling right now and what I was feeling was embarrassed that it didn't do well needed to call it out and they they laughed so hard when I said that because they all know like this was not what we wanted you didn't give us what we came here expecting you gave us something but it wasn't uh you know it wasn't what we expect from you know Nikki Glaser whatever that is except except my besties. By the way, like my besties were that.

So there were some besties there. There was another there was a mommy there from your mom's house podcast. Comedy fans and my fans, comedy fans in general are the fucking best. And they understand the process. They are the ones that come to every show and support comedians and are like part of the community and like friends with us. Like this girl came alone from the um your mom's house podcast she's just like she's like i'm a mommy you're a mom and she's like you're a mommy so i like love you and she's like i came here to support tom we'll come out anytime to support you and it was so cute

because during in the middle of it uh i started talking about louie and i got some like jeers i was like it was either like yeah or like I couldn't tell if they were against what I was saying or positive. And so at some point I go, are you like disagree? Is this in favor of me of what I'm saying or like against me? And she goes, we love it. And I was like, and then she got yelled at for saying that.

And she goes, she asked me. And I go, next time you yell out. If I ask you, you always yell out. But I want to shout out to both of them. Jess was so sweet. It was funny because I was like hiding in the side of the parking lot with my mom as we waited for our uber and i didn't really want to talk to the audience or be not that i didn't want to talk to them i didn't want them to because

after you don't do so well people kind of like try not to look at you it's so awkward i've when i used to bomb back in the day and be like no one knew who i was i was the middle act i would have to stand out in the lobby and like I would always hide because I didn't want people to be like feel sorry for me you know and uh and so I was sitting there with my mom and trying not to make eye contact with anyone trying not to hear anyone talking about how I wasn't that they like you know because when you see five comedians six comedians you want to go liked him best. She was the worst. Like you want to rank them. Even I do that on a show. So I didn't want to hear any discussions that people have when they leave a show. Like when I leave a movie,

I'm always like, I didn't like it, but I never think the director might be walking out of Warenberg Theater in De Pere in 1998 and like, didn't like my opinion about, I don't know, fucking Patch Adams. But the artists are lingering I fame infamously heard a girl in a bathroom stall one time say she didn't like my she goes I don't know I like that last girl but the girl that and I go stop talking stop talking I'm in the stall and I told her to stop talking she goes I go I'm in here I'm in here I go you I know you're entitled to your opinion I just don't want to hear it and she was like I'm so sorry and i go it's okay babe but we're among you we are we we walk among you i'm in the same building you saw me walk on stage this is an establishment where i don't have a special bathroom i have to like

so sometimes in the bathroom and i i at shows where i have to use the same bathroom as the crowd and by have to i mean like not that i'm like i'm better but like there's not a green room bathroom uh i always shut my ears and I go so I don't hear anyone talk bad about me or good really because the good is never good enough all that bullshit um but so Jess bestie Jess was talking out she was like she was like Nikki I love you or said something like that and she was like oh no I listen to your podcast I love you and I go oh my god thank you and she goes um I I I've heard you talk about things on the podcast she said something like I've I heard a lot of the podcast on there I like knew the places you were going and like had

the inside track and I was like you fucking get it and I was like you're definitely gonna hear me talk about that set on the podcast tomorrow and she goes she goes it was great you know she said it was great it was she was like so excited there was no disappointment in her eyes she was so sweet and um and I was just like thanks bestie and I asked her name and I said I'll give you a shout out so Jess if you're listening which I know you are thank you so much for that it made me feel so good and very cool in front of my mom and then another best or then another girl from your mom's house she chatted with us for a while and was so sweet and I was just like god comedy fans are the best they just like they're our friends like they don't have to do comedy to be if they appreciate

good comedy and good podcasts they're one of us and they just have different jobs and I just feel like we're a community it's not like comedians against their fans it can be all together and I just honestly Taylor Swift has taught me that like she's friends with her fans she invites them in she has them over to her house for listening parties like you got to bring them in because they are it's not to show your appreciation and be like thank you for liking me it's like you need to they're they they are your friends and like the way I feel about Taylor Swift I feel very connected to her in a way that if I was talking about like if something happened to her like this weekend I almost started crying because I was and my parents were probably like my dad

really rolls his eyes about my love for Taylor Swift even though I'm like you literally feel the same way about the Beatles but he would be like you could compare those and I'm like yes you could actually she's going to be as remembered as the Beatles and you're just old and um but I I was like if she if something happened to her I like I would definitely cry and be as devastated as a family member or a friend and I know that's ridiculous but it's or might seem ridiculous to you but it's it's it is just true I would almost prefer a family member or friend to die over Taylor Swift because I rely on her to survive so much I found out the re-release of Red her my the first album I fell in love with with Taylor Swift um she's re-releasing her own version uh in order to gain you know uh like to own her own shit

she's releasing Taylor's version of Red it's coming in November and I literally wrote on my story I go gotta live to gotta survive till november and that's not like mental health like don't kill yourself i mean it used to mean that way for me but now it means like i look both ways when i'm crossing the street a little bit more i just gotta be around she's releasing like 10 new songs that were written for red this girl is prolific as fuck she wrote 10 new songs and she's releasing a 10 minute version of all too well which is everyone's favorite song that has the f word in it apparently taylor's fans are freaking the fuck out the the she released the album cover for taylor's version red which is looks like the original red thing but it's more mature version and fans are freaking out because that picture

we've already seen we didn't see that picture but we saw that photo shoot during the evermore promo and we're like but evermore was in black and white so we didn't see that picture, but we saw that photo shoot during the Evermore promo. And we're like, but Evermore was in black and white. So we didn't know that it was a red lip and a red beret was the same. Like, and we're all like, oh my God, she was redding us the whole time. And now it was like, I know you guys are like, Nikki, chill out.

But it was, I just love her interaction with fans. And I want the same kind. I want Easter eggs with fans. I want inside jokes. I want you guys to be trying to piece together the little hints I'm dropping you. So you know which guy i'm talking about with me without me having to tell you which guy so that that guy doesn't get actually mad and i want you guys are like i drop you hints all the time and i just i treat you like my friends and i hope you appreciate it and if you're

new to the podcast you might be like i'm not ready for this friendship well then get ready because it's it's starting but also at the same time, we just have a great time on the show. And I did, Jess actually wrote me on, Jess, our Bessie wrote me and I'll share that with Andrew when we get him in here. Andrew!

He's in Connecticut, but maybe he can hear me from here. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews

and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions.

Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.

Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps.

Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. of iHeart Women's Sports. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career.

We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Thrustle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Nick. How are you? How's it going? I'm good. I'm good.

It feels like forever since we talked. I know. We really have not texted or anything. We haven't talked since I left last week or since the podcast, actually. Where are you again? Is it Connecticut? Yeah, I'm in a place called Greenwich, Connecticut, where rich people come to murder poor people i think it's a very illuminati here you drive past these houses and it doesn't make sense these homes i mean it's wild well what doesn't make sense is i just found out

that that that your dad instead of flying to connecticut because he's scared of flying even though he won't admit it publicly he decided to I thought he was renting a sprinter van to like drive from Florida to Connecticut which is 24 hour drive he bought a sprinter van instead of you said instead of two plane tickets he bought a sprinter van dude I mean this thing you sent me pictures of it it's it's like 120 g's it's this is insane my dad is absurd my my dad my first of all, my stepmom doesn't want it. She wants to fly. She was complaining that they got stuck in traffic by DC on 95. Apparently, that's horrible traffic.

Don't you dare go by there ever again. She got stuck in traffic one time. Don't ever go that way. 95 is the devil. But anyways, yes. Well, next time they drive from Florida to Connecticut, they'll take the scenic route, and they won't try to cut through DC. that way 95 the devil but anyways yes well next time they drive from florida to connecticut they'll take the um scenic route and they won't try to go through cut through dc i i can't

understand i'm trying to think of other modes of transportation other that he could have spent 120 120 or 150 he could have got a private uh a private train he could have flown him he could have taken flying lessons and flown himself he could have gotten elon musk to give him a piggyback ride he probably could have teleported yeah i honestly i think the technology is there and he could have found a way to make it happen it's absurd and i love it and that's your family how is family time oh it's it's fantastic how'd you sleep until it isn't i'm on an air mattress which this is the most amazing thing about an air mattress. It's great when you fall asleep on it. It's firm.

And then you slowly deflate. What happens in the night? Is it a ghost? What happens? No, there's slight leaks in it. I mean, that means that there's tiny, tiny leaks. But wouldn't a tiny leak just like right away you would know? Like why is an air mattress half filled?

No, sometimes it's seeping out. And then you wake up and your butt is on the floor and it's like you're on a swimming pool raft i know i know um why are you in an air mattress in greenwich connecticut you're the only man on an air mattress in greenwich fucking connecticut where literally the elite the one percent the one percent of the one percent live in greenwich i just want to be humble, you know? Yeah. What's up with Noah? I noticed something on Andrew's Instagram story.

Please. Do you have sheets on your air mattress? Your dad was using it as a mouse pad. No, no, no. And it looks like they were not. Don't you, Noah, don't you, you come in to call me out on my sheets? First of all, the kids, it says I'm in the playroom slash living room. So the kids, every day I leave my room, I come back, and there's four kids playing on my bed.

Like a bouncy castle. Like a bouncy castle. Castle. Castle. That you came on, you know, five hours prior. What are you ratting me out? And then you wiped it on the carpet like old times uh okay so i gotta keep playing on your cum your cum uh tarp my cum tarp dude first of all yes no

one else in greenwich connecticut's on an air mattress i like to stay humble you know that also they don't have a room for me because i'm the single brother i don't have kids i don't have a wife i should just bring a girl or a blow-up doll so i get a fucking bed i need a girlfriend now eventually you'll probably tote her along to meet the fam and they they're not gonna put her on an air mattress i can't believe they didn't have an extra room for you how many i should sleep in the sprinter van in the engine on honestly that would be a better situation so are you sleeping well on that no no horrible because because i wake up at my so we're on central time you know how i like to sleeping in their playroom that's like sleeping in the kitchen so seven in the morning i get woken up by augie and leo and

they punch me in my face and then they go wake up and then augie has learned jujitsu ask them what that feels like because i just want to know what it feels like to punch you in the face I've thought about so much and I just want to hear how it how it how the knuckle on the I would let you punch me I would never want to punch you I don't it would hurt my hand but

but bless your heart but yeah Augie knows jujitsu so this morning he woke me up and I literally opened my eyes he goes he looks at me in the eyes he goes can i choke you out oh my god can i choke you can i choke you out and i go augie i'm not even awake to get choked out you can't you out that's so cute and i probably came over there i know i'm like god i've i gotta put down my cum tarp and the name augie does not make me think of a little boy augie sounds like an old man to me

really august well augie's like augie's one of those names that like is coming back it's like more of an old like a name you'd associate like in the 90s and there's no like young augies so i go i love it i go to him, I go, no, you can't choke me out. And my worry, honestly, is he's really good at jiu-jitsu for his age. And Noah, like when he's 13, he'll be able, I'm going to wake up with an arm bar and my bone

will be like, I got your bone out of your skin. Like that's how good of a fighter, like it's crazy what these kids can do. I would love that if my nephew Arlo was like, can I choke you out? Because out because i'd be like oh my god you want to hug my neck like i would just take it as whatever affection i could get um let me just read you your kids wait have you ever slept over your sister or brother-in-laws yeah they don't they don't like me it's not like they do like like poppy and arlo ass poppy ass for me sometimes and it's so cute

but then i got over to her place one time and i was holding she ran into me and i was holding her It's not like they do like Poppy and Arlo ask. Poppy asks for me sometimes and it's so cute. But then I got over to her place one time and I was holding, she ran into me and I was holding her and she kept going, Nikki, where's Nikki? And I was like, it's me. And then I go, oh, you mean, and my sister goes, no, she's saying Luigi. And I go, oh my God, I think she's always asking for Luigi. It's not me. It's so cute. But I went over there.

Oh my God, Andrew was so cute. I went over there the last time and Arlo has been kind of you know they fight a lot it's a four-year-old and a two-year-old and poppy's too and arlo will like throw balls at her head like they're a little abusive because they're kids or whatever and poppy will hit him and he'll hit her a lot more hard because he doesn't understand so i went over and he does understand yeah exactly so that's a way scarier thing i really hate when around christmas time when we say santa's watching and then suddenly he's like a good boy because of this threat that doesn't even he's gonna find out someday it's a lie so i said to him i go arlo so i go i brought because i brought over a bag and i

said i have i have a present for you and I just had this little deer figurine that I found in a box and I'm like oh Arlo this is just something to give him when I come over there and um and I brought Poppy a scrunchie because she just likes like pretty little like hair things and um I go I have a present for you but um I'm gonna talk to your mom first and hear how you've been if you've been a nice boy and if if you if I get a report then you can have it. When I leave, I'll give it to you. And he kept being like, when are you leaving?

And I go, okay, actually, if you ask me when I'm leaving, I'm gonna move in, and I'm never gonna leave. I go, every time you ask me when I'm leaving, I'm seriously gonna stay an hour longer, so that's not gonna work for you. And I go, and I felt a little weird about bribing him to be good, but I go, it's the same thing as the Santa stuff.

This is year round, and also, I'm real. I will give you a present and i go i go here's the deal arlo i for the rest of the time you and i know each other who not like for your whole life i go i will bring a present every time i see you every single time i would have a present for you but you will only get it if i get a report that you've been nice to poppy so you're santa now yeah and uh he goes wait one second uh i think this is how santa claus got started what you're doing to arlo you're taking the place of santa yeah i exist i'm making a list and i'm checking it twice and if he throws a ball at poppy's head he ain't getting a little figurine deer that i dug out of a box that i would have thrown away anyway like you can bring a kid any like a a little thing, like a trinket as a prize,

you know, like a piece of candy or whatever. So I go, I can follow through on this. It'll be fun because I'll start collecting toys to like have in my box to give him every time I go over. And it's just like a fun thing. But it's contingent on like, you have to be a good boy.

So we sat down and I'm holding Poppy and I'm trying to explain it. We start running through scenarios of like, okay, when Poppy does this, what would you do to respond? Like, what are you going to do in this scenario and so we go you know um when poppy hits you what do you do and he goes be nice and i go yeah but isn't there a part of you that you probably want to hit her back because she hit you right that makes sense like you hit her that makes sense i think that that is that's the way you've been doing it and

that's like okay that makes sense and i go but that's the way you've been doing it. And that's like, okay, that makes sense. And I go, but guess what, Arlo? Poppy's a little, little baby. And we have to protect her because she's stupider than you. Because when you get older, you get smarter. And so she's kind of dumb right now because she's a baby. All babies are dumb. I go, you were a dumb baby once.

And guess what we did? We didn't let any boys throw balls at your head ever we never let them do that because you're a little baby we need to protect you we need to all work together because you're so babies are so dumb we need your help to be you're so smart you gotta you gotta when poppy hits it's because she's a she's stupid and my sister's kind of like what and i'm like but she's gonna get smart but you have to teach her how to be as smart as you. And I was like, okay, so when Poppy wants, my sister goes, okay, what about when you're eating some goldfish

and Poppy sticks her hand in the bag and wants some? What do you do? And he went and grabbed the goldfish and then just gives them to her, and it was really cute. And I was like, yeah. So he's just trying to check these off. But I thought that was a good way to break through to him because he goes were you because he's always asking us about who were babies he goes i was a baby and i go you were a baby and

he goes are you baby and i go yeah he goes you want me to choke you out no uh he goes uh by his theory i'm smarter than you is that what you're saying because i'm older yeah and uh you're dumb you're a little dumb baby i mean this is all very you're saying because i'm older yeah and uh you're dumb you're a little dumb baby i mean this is all very sexual for me too i love playing the character of poppy and ben unfortunately um i'm a dumb baby you don't get the gold please throw balls at my head there goes my social life there goes my social life clueless oh oh my god speaking of clueless did i tell you i saw breckin meyer the other day who is that um he plays uh uh the skateboard like burnout he was in so many things for he had a butt yeah and he's awesome he's been in a million things

breckin meyer he's definitely very famous and he's at the other night at the comedy store i walk over to go hey will you let me i'm gonna do 10 minutes not 15 the show was running late and i was tired and i walk over the booth and i go i'm like is that brick and meyer and they go i don't know i go i love you and like from stage from stage eric griffin's on stage no this was on the side of the room and i go i love you and he kind of was like and i go i love you i love you and he was like oh thanks and i was like and then i i then literally andrew said he was like nikki glazer and i just like ran up on stage so i'm like okay good he thinks the girl that said i love you is not in like he did he didn't know he was but it was i seeing a guy that was on clueless did he have long cut hair still he looks the same

age i mean like i don't even know I know him from he was in Seth Green's film that I watched remember that movie we watched where they go to Thailand it was a great movie

Seth Green I forget what it was yeah oh Breckenmire he's so cute I once saw him at a cafe as well but I didn't see him

he's more handsome now I know he looks fucking great. He was also in the show with Zach Morris, my best friend Mark Paul, Rizzoli and Isles or whatever that show was,

you know, Birchen Brainstorm. I don't know what it was called. Birchen Brainstorm sounds like a legging line that would be promoted to me on Instagram.

So, I said I love you to him. It was so much fun much fun god andrew i have so much stuff to tell you i'm sure you have so much stuff to tell me no we got all week we got all week can i just share one second i said i was gonna do it jess one of our besties who i ran to the parking lot last night she sent a dm to our account and i just want to say uh the nice thing she said about us one second no let me find your dm nikki i'm the best you said hi in the parking lot after your show at supernova i'm in la from chicago and truly believe i manifested one seeing you perform and two meeting you during this trip anyway i just want to emphasize how much i admire and look up to you i've dabbled

in stand-up and just started my own podcast and you aren't someone i look to as an example the way you're authentically yourself unapologetic risk-taking and bold it pushes me to be unafraid to do the same so sweet watching you try out new material tonight material that i've heard you talk through on the podcast was so incredible i learned a ton by following you and i needed to make sure to thank you for doing so uh doing that so vulnerably you inspire people whether you realize it or not thank you and i love you bestie you too noah and andrew or andrew and noah she put you first uh let's let's let's um you look up noah what jess's podcast is because shout out to everyone who uh supported uh bestie lisa um lisa doll

who has an only fans and is a um suicide girl um that's what people call me too because they talk about it so much but uh you show your besties supporting besties it was so nice she wrote that she got oh she got people signing up for only fans from my mention on the podcast so you know let's let's i love the idea of promoting besties doing cool stuff so we'll find out just this podcast and we'll have it for the final thought and let you know about her new podcast and it's cool to support new podcasts because it's cool to get on the ground floor of something i'll tell you that and just seemed fucking cool as shit oh you have it noah you want to should we do it now wait for a guy to say hey andrew you're great in that thing on that thing oh by the way i sell spark plugs it's like no you can't no yeah we're not gonna promote anything if you're yeah if yes we but uh

i do you and you we'll let you know't do you want to do it now or later uh let's just do it now yeah because who knows where this show's gonna go it's called it's uh at peaking podcast peaking p-a-k or is it about china p-e-a-k k-i-n-g yeah it's a self-help podcast that doesn't take itself too seriously oh Oh, love it. So check out the Peeking podcast from Bestie Jess. Let's get into the news. Eh, you heard it here first. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. I mean, just this is a class. I'm obsessed with all the soundbites from our show. I hope people also love our theme songs. It makes me really happy, especially when I'm here for four days. I hope you had a great weekend and had all the swells out there. I know we did. I did.

We really did. I think we had. Oh, my God. We're going to come back even stronger together in our new podcast studio. Should we talk about it? Maybe later. Yeah, we'll have video up soon, you guys. All right.

So first story, folks. A webcam that takes photos on top of a national park in austria every 20 minutes captured a couple having sex and publishing software posted it online you know why they posted it because they didn't get facial recognition because they were doing doggy style so it was just the guy oh so it didn't know it was people oh my god they thought it was like two goats where was this in austria oh my god and so it this? They thought it was like two goats. Where was this? In Austria. Oh my God. And so it's right from the,

it's literally if you were behind the man about, I would say, it's a blurry photo. It almost looks like, I was watching Bigfoot footage last night because my friend believes in Bigfoot and told me that it's like, and this person is a smart person who I trust

and he believes in Bigfoot and he was showing me Bigfoot footage from cameras like this where they like, you know, they're in an eagle's nest and they're like, oh, you can watch baby eagles. And then in the background of Bigfoot watched by that guy, it's directly behind this pale ass Austrian dude. And he's doggie sound.

The girl, you can't even see her. It looks like he's playing, you know, what's that game where you spin the thing and you put one hand on red dot? Oh, Twister. It looks like he's playing Twister on a towel. I mean, what's great is it's every 20 minutes. So were they fucking for, you know, 21 minutes or were they fucking, you know, I wonder how long, you know, like if it's every 20. If it caught it both times.

Yeah. I love this and good for them. And I wonder, yeah, you can't see who that guy is. That could be anyone. Or he maybe lost a contact and he's on his, because you can't see the girl. And he's just, he got naked to look for his contact? Man, I did a, yeah, I got. This makes you want to hike.

It's just a better way to find it. This makes you want to get up there, huh? See the world? Yeah. You know what? It's changing everything I think about hiking and travel. Bring it on. I mean, it's so funny.

I did say, like, I want to go bang out in the... That's why Noah put that in there. God damn it. Oh, my God. You know how many Google Maps there's probably someone giving, like, a blowjob through a window of a house? Oh, yeah. For sure.

You got to start... That's what you need to do in your life. Start combing around google there's this really fun thing called um it's a fun game where you it's a map of the world they they pick a random google map image of like a road like a you know like okay you put a dot and then they show the scene and you have to guess you go back to the map of the world and you try to guess where in the world this is and then it shows you how many miles you get and it's like a game. I love this game.

It's so fun. In the final thought, I will tell you what that website is because it's, I heard someone talk about it the other day. It's so fun to play

and it's, when you get it close, when you're within like a thousand miles, which for the world is like close, you're like, fuck yeah,

you know, and you try to guess by like, that definitely looks like it's not america so it's it's just it's really fun so we'll we'll tell you about that yeah there's full-on genocide happening i know this i know this genocide town i mean also it's mostly water so are you playing i wonder if they have google like google maps or like you can see Google Earth in like, you know, Yemen, where there's like billions of starving kids. I know.

They probably don't. So I'm guessing don't click on Yemen. Yeah, don't guess Yemen. I would guess probably France. I don't think it's Yemen. I said Yemen like 18 times and then you said Yemen. I said Yemen. yemen green with you yay man oh oh i didn't know that okay well no man um let's get to the next story all right the next

story it's a doozy a woman thinks a florida bartender who saved her and her friend from being hit on by a creep by passing them a note disguised as a receipt the receipt said if this guy is bothering you put your ponytail on the other side of your shoulder and i will have him removed he's giving me the creeps i mean he's giving me the creeps he said yeah and this guy there's a picture of this guy she goes this man was harassing me my friend and the bartender passed this note to me acting like it was my receipt legit the type of legit the type of bartender everyone needs love it so cute here's the thing flip your ponytail to the side what if you were like but this look doesn't like it's the side bone like it doesn't what if like you're you have a

short little bun or something and you can't get it over there or um i the it just doesn't go with the outfit the mere fact that he even had to guess it there's no way this girl or that he had that he noticed this guy was a creep there's no way this girl was enjoying it no one i've never once been seen a guy hit on a girl and been like she's annoyed and been like do i need to ask her for help but but actually that's true because sometimes people are like do you want me to get you away from this guy and i'm like i love this guy carlisle carlisle yesterday was telling people at a party or the other night at benglee's party she was telling about some um comedian she's been trying to like protect she's friends with him but she knows how annoying he is so she goes you don't understand she was telling someone she goes for

years i've been trying to keep him away from nikki and protect her so she doesn't have to meet this guy because he's so annoying i've been for years nikki you don't even know the efforts i've made but somehow it finally happened and i come up and nikki he's got nikki in a corner and he's so annoying I've been for years I've Nikki you don't even know the efforts I've made but somehow it finally happened and I come up and Nikki he's got Nikki in a corner and he's talking to her and I was like oh no I failed and I didn't even know she was keeping me from this guy and she goes and I walked up and uh and Nikki finally got free and I go up and I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry and I go I love that guy and she's like so I don't know what to do with you and I go that guy was fucking great and I go literally carlisle anyone who you're friends with who might be annoying i'm gonna like i have annoying friends i'm annoying but if it's a good person and he's annoying i'm gonna like you

but it was just so funny that was it was it brickheimer or whatever his name was no it's just funny if it's like some like gorgeous man that you would definitely date and she's like i I gotta keep him. Yes. Was he cute? Because I do have different tastes in people. Was the guy cute? No, he's just an overly excited open-mic,

not even open-mic or comic, but he's sweet, and I hear he's funny, and I just love his enthusiasm. He's just great. She had it wrong, and I go go don't protect me i go i can protect myself i really appreciate it but don't go to valiant efforts behind my back to protect me from someone i'm a big girl and i go that's really nice but don't do that i'm sure someone you know yeah i go can i get him to hang out with me more so i don't have to talk to you carla was so funny the other night i love her so so much. We went to Ben Gleib's party on Saturday night.

So much fun. I can't even believe, I will be telling you about Ben Gleib's party for the rest of time. He had a birthday party that I co-hosted. And that means I offered to pay for a lot of, I want to pay for all of it because it was just such a fun night.

My parents had a great time. He had a food truck he had um bartenders a doorman he had a scavenger like he had a map of the party that he printed up that was a scavenger hunt that if someone found the treat at the end of the party he had a uh weird room that had like a a shed like thing that was decked out with like a moroccan theme with pillows and amazing lighting with candles that people were like hanging out in this room he had a heated pool that was heated like a like a hot tub it was a hot tub pool it was amazing he had amazing like floats all the different kinds of floats you'd want he had i mean it goes on and on this party it was a karaoke room a dance room um a photo booth how many people were there i think probably 150 over the course of the night.

Do you think sex was happening at the house? No, it wasn't that kind of party. Not that kind of party? It was so much fun. I stayed up until 6 a.m. I left at 6. I was not drunk or high. I was high, but I don't like to smoke weed at night. I've been smoking weed all day and it energizes me.

And then at night, I'm like, it doesn't. So I was just having a good time. And, um, I'll tell you what, my mom goes, why? Cause they,

my mom wanted to say she left at two 30. Cause my dad was like, I got to leave in the morning. My mom's staying out here by the way. So she can go with me tomorrow to, um, a shoot that I'm doing. Uh,

and she's being my emotional support animal for that shoot. And, um, cause it's going to be a triggering day, I'll tell you that. Oh boy. Fashioning. And so I,

so my mom left and she was like, oh, we left. And you like, was it so much fun? What'd you guys do? And I go, I stayed up till six. And she goes,

Nikki, you've never stayed up to six. And I go, I know that is the power. Where were you at six? Of a cute boy. Oh, there we go.

Talking to a cute boy. I go, and you know, he was drunk and I, everyone there is drunk. And when you're sober, you just don't realize how less cool people are that you love when they're drunk.

But I, I remember talking to him and he's, you know, he was being like, you know, drunk people, they like talk louder and they like say that you repeat themselves a lot. And I remember being like, I wouldn't tolerate this from literally any like it could be tom hanks and i would go i

need to leave but a boy that is really attractive who i like just want to and he was drunk so he's like you know touching me a lot and like um like i was just like i will i started hearing the birds chirp i'm like i thought it was 11 o'clock at night and i go that's the power of a handsome man mom were you staying awake with the idea of like oh maybe we'll make out or maybe no no no he tried to kiss me and i said no i i go no no no no i go try that when you're sober but no no did you have you talked to him since yeah yeah we hung out last night what yeah I'll tell you who later

no I just like really want to explore of I just want to be this person's friend we're both going through breakups and like we're both like really getting out of something that we both like fell in love for the first time in our lives and we're both coming out of it and like processing like wait I didn't know you could feel that way and now what do we do and it's kind

of interesting so it's nice because we've we've known each other forever and always had a flirtation and now it's just kind of like I definitely don't want to enter into anything new but it's just like but the thing is what's nice about it is like I just like to touch people that I care about and like intimately. And it feels weird to do that with like girlfriends. Like sometimes with girlfriends, I'll like hold their hand or stuff like that. But like holding a guy's hand, it doesn't mean to mean, I hope he calls me the next day or he doesn't need to freak out. Like Nikki wants to be my girlfriend. It's like, I just go, can I just like, can we just like touch?

Because I just, I miss touching someone and it like, and it feels good. my girlfriend it's like i just go can i just like can we just like touch because i just i miss touching someone and it like and it feels good and like this doesn't have to mean anything like literally we don't even have to this doesn't even mean something romantic like i just we hung out last night we were just like talking in the lobby in my hotel because i just didn't want to put it in a situation where i was like in the in my room and so we were just like we're in the lobby in my hotel because we got kicked out of the bar because it closed and I was just like can you just like sit next to me and we can touch I mean we were touching last night because you were drunk and like very handsy and it was awesome but like I didn't say that but um and it was just nice to like touch and be like just be

honest like this doesn't have to mean anything it's just we could literally be two friends that are like touching obviously there's more to it than that but it was just so nice and um I just feel for the first time uh like I'm he's someone that I've always pursued and been like I want him to like me so bad and now I'm like I'm just in a place with him because he's my friend where I'm like oh like I don't even know if i want this let's go super duper slow like the slowest i have no i have no agenda and it's like so freeing to be like i don't even know i'll see you again i'm not trying to like stay in town longer so i can hang out longer it's just like yeah yeah let it happen organically it shouldn't happen right now because i am like heartbroken still a little bit coming out of it more and more every day i'm like i don't even honestly liking a new person takes you out of it so much.

maybe if you have, if you have sex with the guy, maybe, maybe you have your mom in the room to be there for you. Yeah. My mom's staying in town and my dad left and my mom is so cute. She goes, did you hook up with that?

I told your dad when we left that boy likes Nikki heat, they're going to hook. I hope she doesn't hook up with him. Cause he's, you know, he was drinking and he wasn't like belligerent or anything but like she was just like I hope she he he I can tell he likes her and she likes him and and the next day she goes what happened with him and I go nothing he tried to kiss me and I was like no and it was like when he tried to kiss me

I was like thank you I love and we've kissed before I like you know I noticed it was like eight years ago or something forever ago and we kissed and I i like you know i noticed it was like eight years ago or something forever ago and we kissed and i liked him so much and wanted him to be my boyfriend i even told him the other night i go if you would have been like let's be boyfriend and girlfriend i would have been like ew so i'm glad you didn't and i honestly hated you for so long for it because i was like why would you kiss me and hang out with me and like me so much and not want to be my boyfriend i was like i literally tried to like I probably tried to destroy you as much as I could and like not be nice to you and punish you and I just like don't ever want to do that again I don't even want to do that to the

person that just broke my heart like I don't want to be the type of girl that I like being the Taylor Swift of comedy and like working out my frustrations with men and my feelings with men in my art but I don't want them to hear it and go i feel bad about myself and because i just want especially someone that i used to love i hope that they have a good life but for you you don't want to stay spiteful it's so much energy and it takes away from your shine to feel negative it's just not a good look when people hear you bitching and being like moaning and calling a guy gay because he didn't like you or saying he, you know, whatever it is. And that's just me, you know, making a joke.

But like having being like a bitch about it, like when I used to date a vegan guy and I hated him, I would like make it. And I wasn't even vegan myself, but I used to go like, oh, he's vegan. Having sex with him was like we would scissor like I made it like oh he must be a lesbian because he's vegan it was just like it was just because I was hurt you know and it's just not a good look so I can be funny about guys that hurt me in ways that aren't like spiteful and um and that's is a good place to be it it's nice to tell this person like I used to destroy any guy that hurt me intentionally or unintentionally I used to like any guy that hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally. I used to have, I wanted their life to be hell. And I don't, and I can tell you that,

and so that might be like, oh God, I don't want to be around this girl that has done that. And she might just be saying she's doing it. Yeah, but you being honest about it. I don't want to do that anymore. I really don't. And it was just nice, and he wasn't like, it was just not, like,

it's not even like i like a guy romantically i just like a person and like like them as a friend that i like to have them touch my leg and try to kiss me um but the thing i was going to say about the drunk before we get to the final story carlisle was freaking out the other night at the party because she was drinking and when we met she was sober and we've always smoked pot together but like she just started drinking again and she doesn't it's not like ruining her life like it used to and but she gets a little bit everyone gets louder and more and and repeats themselves those are the two things and kind of stupider and you don't like and they don't understand when you talk to

them as much they don't that's the things that happen when people get a little bit drunk because you have to they get more stupid they get more like poppy you remember poppy my stupid fucking they'll take your goldfish without asking yeah yeah you throw balls at their heads and um but carlisle goes we're on the way home because i had to get a ride home from radu bondar shout out to radu i love you so much uh he gave me a ride home from the party because you cannot get ubers past 4 a.m which i didn't know so i was stranded in the valley radu gives me a ride home i'm in the worst mood because i'm tired and i'm mad that i stayed up till sun up um i'm like i was just in a bad mood and and it wasn't because

of the boy or anything i was just like oh i'm so disgusting why did i stay up all night like i have to get up early tomorrow blah and um and carlisle's in the back seat like oh the seatbelt didn't work wait carlisle stayed awake till 6am too. Just cause she was there. We went swimming and stuff. Yeah. We were just hanging out. It was so fun.

It was, the party was still kicking till 8am. Like Ben was still making drinks for people. He's so fun. So Carlisle was like, cause I was talking about how annoying drunk people were and on the way home. And Carlisle was like, I'm just feel like, I just like, didn't even want to be around you. Cause you're like, they're going to hate me. And I was like i'm just feel like i just like didn't even want to be around you because you're like they're gonna hate me and i was like babe i will never hate you like i don't

it's not gonna happen like yes you're a little bit more annoying but i you were avoiding me i didn't even know she was at the party because she was avoiding me because she was drinking and i go and i was a little annoyed at some stuff that she like my mom got a little drunk my like the guy i was talking to was a little drunk i was annoyed at everyone that got a little drunk including Carlisle but it was it's not I go I can always I'm gonna let it slide tomorrow nothing you're gonna do is gonna make me not want to be friends with you and she we were driving home and she was like oh I'm gonna fucking wake up tomorrow and have so much anxiety and feel so bad about how I acted tonight and I woke up at like 11 the next day and I sent her a voice memo that was like I need to let you know that I love you are great and you are so funny and so fun and

when you get a little drunk you are not a bad person you are not embarrassing let yourself off the hook you had fun last night and she was like I needed to hear this I'm like I wish I would have woken up earlier to tell you because I was such a bitch last night that she probably thought I was mad at her but I just want to say I love Carlisle Forrester I would love if you would support her patreon Carlisle Forrester and like follow her on Instagram she's funny as fuck and she's hot as fuck and she's one of my best friends she's a hilarious comedian and I would really appreciate you and you will see how crazy and homeless and scary West Hollywood is because she films the alley that is behind outside her bedroom window and there's fires and bums like shitting on the you know on the road right outside her window which by the way what is i made a joke about homelessness on

on bill maher and i got some shit about it yeah i saw that but it wasn't even it was funny i don't know whatever yeah whatever yeah whatever fuck them next story alcohol though why do you think it hits you so hard because like just dealing with your mom being drunk no because or thanks for asking that because you know i because it makes people louder not listen to what i'm saying i tell them stories that i have to repeat the next time i see them they aren't it's just your your friends get dumb alcohol does not make you more fun you get more fun because you're stupider it doesn't give you courage you guys doesn't you talk to the girl that you'd be scared to talk to because you're dumber you know what dumb people I was talking about this the other day I get hit on and asked out in my dms all the time by guys that are

like I saw you in Rogan I just I've never felt like I've never heard someone talk the way you talk I really I know you like need a boyfriend I would love to take you out and this guy lives in Des Moines and is disgusting by the way like not attractive like it's it boggles my mind and I'm sorry to say that like I am hey I was drunk last night they have three kids no no they have three kids no they're sincerely shooting their shot and they're like when you're in town I would love to take you out and I go what in your mind thinks that i'm going to be your girlfriend you live first of all you live in des moines and your account is private so i can only see the weird close-up grainy photo of you with some weird you know sunglasses that have like the the purple tint on that like i would never date a guy it's

what you're insane to think that you like and then the guys that I would go out with would never ask me out like that because they either are intimidated or like that's such a weird thing to do. So you only get, I tend to think, am I not aware of what I deserve? Is this what I deserve?

Because it's only guys that look like that and talk like that that are asking me out. So I go, am I like a four and I think I'm a comedy nine? and the truth is i it's not that i think it's those guys are dumb guys and and not and i'm not being um mean when i say dumb they you know they just aren't i'm not being um what's it called when i'm being dumb right now i get what you're saying no i get negatively connotated i when some when i say someone's dumb there's a

beauty of not i'm not as smart as neil degrasse tyson he could call. When I say someone's dumb, I'm not as smart as Neil deGrasse Tyson. He could call me dumb. If someone's less intelligent or doesn't... So when you get dumber, when you drink, it makes you dumber and you take chances that these dumb guys take. And some of that is good because that's what you really feel.

But, you know, I was with a guy on Saturday night who tried to kiss me and then I see him sober and he sits across the table from me catty corner as far as he can because it's like and and and I go you're drunk you know that night I go you're drunk and like there and he is like no I get honest when I'm drunk and I'm like I don't believe that because I think the honest person is the sober person being like I'm not ready to make this move on her I'm a little nervous the nervousness is what sometimes you need to combat that and overcome your nerves but that's your body telling you like maybe hold on

so when you get dumber when you drink it's not actually courage and that's what got me to quit drinking is to realize all the things I thought I was getting from drinking more social more comfortable I'm just more dumb because dumb people are comfortable and maybe that's a good thing but when my friends drink when my friends have more than 1.3 drinks 1.3 they are up until 1.3 drinks they are great literally the sip that makes it 1.34 i they get louder in my face so it hurts my face their breath they're not aware of their breath stinking in my face and and this is not carlisle if you're listening this is not about you you always i've never smelled your breath before ever you always smell good and um and they get and they don't

remember the things you say and you have to repeat yourself a bunch i don't judge them and i don't hate them but it's my choice to leave i would have left this party a lot sooner if the drunk guy i was talking to wasn't so freaking handsome and you know just like complex and I guess the only interesting even despite yeah the only thing that I would say is like sometimes I if I had a situation like that where the person was drunk and I wasn't drunk a little bit of me would be like gosh I wish I was maybe had 1.5 drinks so I my inhibitions would be gone. So I'd have a fun romp and I'd have a fun story

of how I had sex in a shed or whatever. No, I totally agree with you. And then you just wake up and you kind of regret it. But I'm just saying like, those are like things like maybe you miss out on. When she was saying,

oh my God, I acted so stupid. I was so loud. I was probably so annoying, blah, blah, blah. Cause she's hearing me talk about how annoying every drunk person is at the party on the way home. I'm just like bitching about like because i was in a bad mood and i wasn't being very compassionate as i am now so it's just like i'm just i can't be around my friends when they're drunk anymore i just can't do it because they're just it's not because i'm

like i want to be drunk it's like it just it's just exhaust it's like babysitting you know it's just like kind of being stuck in a bad conversation with someone you love. And, um, and she goes, I was such an idiot. I go, Carlisle, everyone at that party was just as drunk as you are. And they're all having those thoughts about themselves. So let yourself off the hook that,

yeah, when you go to a party and you act drunk, most people are drunk. Yeah. I'm the sober one judging you, but let me tell you, I, anyone who gets drunk,

I have been a drunk idiot before. One more story the other night and i hope my parents don't hear this but it's actually a good story we're backstage at supernova and i'm bringing i'm toting my parents along it's the night before it's the night before bill maher and i'm doing three sets it's just like from set to set and we get to a set and in the back of the room kevin nealon walks into the door. My parents are huge Kevin Nealon fans. I mean, weeds down to SNL, they follow him on Instagram for his art. And my dad looks like Kevin Nealon.

My dad has always reminded me of Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon walks in, they know I'm friends with him. And I'm like, Kevin fucking Nealon. I'm like, yes, you're him. And I'm like, these are my parents. And he's like, I know you guys. And he's just like so charming. And my dad was like, we actually saw you perform at in cincinnati in 19 whatever 1901 and uh and uh he goes you

probably don't remember it was a riverfront downs and he goes i think it was that i was with gary and he was like yep gary shandling was in there like yeah gary shandling was on the show and he goes i used to be like i work at a cable company so we were you know backstage and we met Gary and oh my god Julie did the most embarrassing my mom's sitting there and he tells a story about my mom embarrassing him in front of Gary Shanley because she watched my mom was drunk and um just maybe trying to like out of like feeling uncomfortable so she like bragged to Gary Shanley that my dad was like a cable executive she's like he's the like you know he's bragging to him and it embarrassed my dad and he was like I'm sure Gary and it went back and like made fun of you and he's like always makes my mom feel bad about the story I've heard the story like dozens

of times in my life and it's always my mom's always like EJ I don't want to hear it's so embarrassing I didn't mean to and I'm always just like shut the fuck up dad I'm just so annoyed and why would you say this for Kevin Nealon where we just met two minutes ago just say you met Gary Shanling without the story about mom being wasted and embarrassing you and saying embarrassing things so literally tells that story and I go well it must run in our family because I said the most embarrassing drunk stuff to Dave Attell when I met him and I go mom you would not believe the stuff I said and then I told the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of Dave Attell when I was him and I go mom you would not believe the stuff I said and then I told the story of how I embarrassed myself in front of David Tell when I was drunk and and I was thank god I had that

story to bail my mom out but like if you're a drunk person and you've done something embarrassing forgive yourself I forgive myself for the dumb stuff I've done and don't make your friends feel bad about it because the only reason you're doing that is because you're embarrassed by stuff you've done and you want to make their thing worse so that yours feels better. So try not to embarrass people. And I told dad afterwards, because then my mom brought up something

that my dad was like, I think she got jealous because she thought my dad was flirting with someone. Oh, I just was saying that. I love that your mom was like, oh, he's the best awning man now like no my mom's so proud of him i'm sure he was just embarrassed that my mom was even trying to like talk him up in front of i bet it wasn't even that bad but my mom got like like they were joking that

my dad started chatting up some woman on the rooftop of this hotel when they went to the pool and she came up there and he's like throwing her kid like in the pool and like having fun with this kid like kind of being grandpa and my mom's like who's this woman they're talking to her and so they just started making a joke of like oh i gotta go see diane later like like my dad has a new girlfriend and um and my mom brought up something my dad said that was like maybe a little like embarrassing and my dad goes why do you have to bring that up and i go why did you have to bring up the gary shanling story in front of kevin nealon i go you both need to stop bringing up embarrassing moments that you go why did you say that no one wants to be embarrassing so each of you i never want to hear that story again oh i don't tell that gary shanling i've told that one

time and i go dad i haven't memorized you've told it at least three times in the past two years i've heard it and that's only when i'm around you guys. And you always do it in front of someone to make mom feel bad. It's just like, stop it. Stop it. Or don't stop it. Be aware of it so that you can maybe get ahead of it. It's awareness is the key.

And we know you're just bragging about being the number one cable guy. We see through it. I can see through you doing that story. He was a big deal. And he should be proud. My mom should be bragging. Why do I care?

Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care, Nikki? Let's find out. Dave Chappelle sings Radiohead's Creep with the Foo Fighters at Madison Square Garden. Wow. I didn't see this. Can we hear a little bit? Damn. I wish I was special You're so fucking special Damn

But I'm a green shirt He looks awesome He's wearing sunglasses A shirt A green shirt Oh Dave is fucking Jamming out behind him I love this

First of all I heard Dave grohl talk about playing guitar let me just swallow i'm so sorry you guys i'm in the middle of eating breakfast that's so rude one second mouth sounds all right i know as a guitar player i will say something about dave grohl that opened up my world um dave grohl obviously drummer for Nirvana, always was musical, played all the instruments, but he said, I always think of guitar as a percussive instrument. As soon as I looked at it as like,

I'm just making like, doing percussion on it and using it like a drum kit, essentially, it suddenly made sense to me. And I was like, oh my God, that, I can listen, look at the, I can just bang on the drum. Like I don't have to technically follow the perfect thing.

Like I can make, I can make it work for me. Because that, but that I never thought about the guitar being drums and drums make more sense to me than a guitar. And so that opened it up to me and he was just definitely doing a drum solo on that guitar. And Dave, is Dave good at everything? he was just definitely, um, doing a drum solo on that guitar. And Dave,

is Dave good at everything? Dave Chappelle. I mean, he, I mean, I don't think that was great. Yeah. I mean, he looked cool as fuck.

Yes. He didn't look like he was doing karaoke. I mean, he looked like he deserved to be up there. I feel like Dave has a way of getting, I mean, I'm sure, I don't know what the percentage of people that actually knew who

he was in that audience probably yeah what 70 percent what do you think fighters what do you think a hundred percent you think a hundred percent of fighters at merrison square garden you think 70 of them knew who dave chappelle was are you fucking kidding me i'm just saying honestly are you drunk are you like are? You're popping out hard right now. Wait, wait, wait. Just hear me out. I would say 99.99999% of people knew who Dave Chappelle was. Dave Chappelle.

Hear me out. He's more famous than the Foo Fighters, unfortunately. You think so? You think so? I don't think so. I think more people, certainly the word Dave Grohl, I will say. He's more famous than Dave Grohl. His name is more recognizable.

Foo Fighters, possibly the same level, but Dave Chappelle is, everyone knows who Dave Chappelle is. Ask your stepmom, who I bet you think doesn't know. Ask your mom. My stepmom asked me how's living in Minneapolis, by the way, the other day. That was pretty funny. She goes, how's living in Minneapolis? It sounds kind of like St. Louis.

But yes, I agree. I'm just saying that he, like him and John Mayer being best friends, it's another fan base that he hits with still being cool is my point. Is that like he still hits another fan base. He gets up at the Foo Fighters. He's on stage. He's looking cool in glasses. It's just another way to be like, hey, I'm Dave Chappelle.

He is the coolest. As we know from Bob Saget as we know from me telling you that when I was on Fallon with him he stayed on the zoom to watch me and like gave me a shout out at the beginning it was say hi to Nikki and then at the end it was like where's Nikki tell her she did great like he's a fucking real dude and like

I love Dave Chappelle he can do anything that's why I care and I'm you know why I also care about that a guy invited me on a date to uh uh i wish to a high um to madison square garden this guy that i've been uh texting with we met on raya we actually met in person a while ago in just passing i think he was with someone at the time but i was like that guy's cute and they were like he has a girlfriend years later we match on raya we start texting he writes to me you know you were amazing on mar and you looked stunning to the and i invited him to ben glebe's

party and he goes um i'm in new york for a few shows i can't go uh when i get back though uh let's hang out and or get on a plane tomorrow morning and come see foo fighters and in msg with me and i said oh good christ what an offer he I dare you. And then he wrote me the next day, what time do you land? And sent me the Madison Square Garden thing. And I said, God, I wish, can't make it, but thank you for the offer. He said, I know I was being somewhat sarcastic.

I'll sure will do my best to make you regret the lack of spontaneity, though. If he would have offered to fly me out, I would have gone. I thought he did. I was not gonna pay for my own flight. No, he said, get on a plane. Oh, okay. And go. Listen out i would have gone i thought he did i thought he'd like no he said he said get on a plane oh okay and go listen he would have but i also was with my parents and it would have been like it's i think it's yeah i like the invite i think that's fun oh i thought

it was so sexy i was really really like oh my god i would have done it he's so cute and the follow have you ever done anything like that oh you got a follow-up oh oh yes the follow-up. Have you ever done anything like that? Oh, you got a follow-up? And the follow-up. Oh, yes, the follow-up when he got there, yes. Yeah, it's true. I've done some spontaneous things, but never positive. But let me just say, get me a plane ticket. Put it out there.

If a guy's going to make that bold of a mood, let's go all the way and go, I will fly you here if you want to go with me. But the fact that he invited me was so cool, and I bet he was trying not to show off his money in respect to the fact that I can buy my own plane ticket. That's probably why he didn't offer that. And he probably didn't think you would take it serious.

I really appreciate the offer. And even if you offered to buy me a plane ticket, I wouldn't have come. Same, buy me a plane ticket. But I probably would have come later on thinking about the fact that you offered to buy me a plane ticket and fly me out. Let get to our regular monday segment i think we skipped it last week but we're bringing it back this week top one bottom one this is where we take a category and we

each noah andrew and i go around the horn and say our top one bottom one of this category today's category as we decided before the show um is noah things that your dad has said to you in honor of father's day we're gonna say things that your dad has said to you top one bottom one uh let's start with our bottoms as we always we always like to end on the top uh andrew can you kick us off with the the worst thing your dad has ever said to you i mean the list is long and it's tattooed on my leg uh let's see um i yeah okay so i i would say it was this is kind of funny because my dad is here and i was sitting with him when you guys were texting so i asked him i go what do you think your bottom i asked for his which i never would have done in our past i'd be too afraid to do

something like that i love it and uh so he said uh we agreed that his bottom one when i told him i want to be a comedic writer this is before i even wanted to do stand-up he looked at me and he goes hey andrew i also want to oh yeah you want to be a comedic writer i want to play third base for the yankees meaning it's impossible you can't do it i want this crazy dream get over it get a career don't be a fucking idiot essentially don't be a poppy yeah don't be a poppy and um i can't wait till poppy's old enough to know that we've used her name to mean dumb because she'll get it she'll think it's really funny she She's going to grow up and she's not going to be a dumb baby anymore. Or she might be dumb.

Who knows? Poppy might be dumb and I'll still love her and she's still a great human that has as much value as a smart human. By the way, if you're dumb out there and you're like, I'm not anti-dumb. Because people are, there is a racism, not racism, but there is an ism for intelligence.

Yeah, elitism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't forget what it's called but like because i'm i'm a poppy but um people talk down like oh they're dumb and it's like yeah you know what they were they didn't choose to have the brain that doesn't have as much information in it and they didn't choose to go to the schools that they went to it's like people you shouldn't discriminate because someone's dumb and i truly i think dumb people are awesome And I think my dad probably thought I was too dumb to do this, but dumb people are way more fun. Like I said,

they take more chances. They shoot their shot. And sometimes those shots work. I'll see you in Des Moines, Steve. Um, well, remember Joe Buck's golf caddy was talked about in golf.

You either want to be insanely dumb or insanely smart. And he said the best golfers are either like, so, so, so smart because you have to be so locked in and meditative that there can be nothing else going on in your brain when you are out there so some people really have nothing in their brain and that's why they're so good and other people have to meditate and get to a place where they like have nothing in their brain so

that was very interesting yeah okay that is the worst that is a bad thing because your dad was being your dad's funny your dad should be a comedy writer um that was a funny thing to say yeah and um uh but you had a good laugh about it this morning did he reflect on it and say i'm sorry i said that to you or did he just laugh and go that was that was right no no he reflect yeah he's definitely reflected i mean i would get back to the top one dad actually i wrote on f boy island so suck my dick dad he goes oh i can't wait to see in the credits i go well dad i'm not gonna exactly be in the credits because i was hired paid through nicky's corporation because hbo didn't really believe in me but yeah so they didn't know about you until i brought you to the island

as my podcast co-host that i worked out of my deal and then i snuck you into set and you were a vital component of that uh show by the way i can't wait for you guys to see it f boy island coming soon um let's bottom up noah noah bottom thing your dad said to you all right this was i'm sorry it was triggering yeah all right so i guess the thing that i can think of is like anytime my dad would share stories from his childhood growing up in communism and it made me realize as an adult because you know like who we are as adults stems from our childhood like the reason why my dad has absolutely no emotional intelligence is because he had to hide a lot of his feelings just from his circumstances growing up yeah so communism makes your you made your dad a poppy emotionally emotionally an

emotional poppy an emotional pop is there an example of a kind of emotional lack of emotional intelligence that stands out to you that wouldn't um make you sad to recount or make us all go oh poor noah because we all have those like i didn't want to i didn't want to make you sad to recount or make us all go oh poor noah because we all have those like i didn't want to i didn't want to make you guys like say things that we've all had our dad say hurtful things that we might not want to share but this is more of like a fun like what a dumb thing for him to say it's okay if you say no i guess like anytime um we would talk about my career and he would tell me like oh you know just don't shake anything up just don't say anything like right don't ask for more than you don't don't demand anything else which noah by the way is such a we should we should

talk about it later like in working with you on building this podcast and in the in the interim when we didn't know what we were going to do next together. And Noah is someone I've learned a lot from, uh, who's done the work to value herself as much as she is good, like knows her value now and like asks for what she deserves and gets what she fucking deserves. And it's like, if you,

if you are someone who works in a corporate environment and you're thinking of how to like ask for what you want you feel like you deserve more um shoot noah injection a dm because she might have some good pieces of advice that helped her as someone who was raised to not think that way about herself to overcome those in a you know noah she's so nice you guys she talks like this and she's like very helpful and like wants to just everyone to be happy. Or she doesn't get any bread.

That bitch leans in. I'm sure that's where it comes from too but like you leaned in girl and I've learned a lot. Like I definitely don't know that I would be able to do the same kind of stuff like that you've done

to get what you deserve and not ask for more than you deserve nothing like that not take advantage but just feel compensated for what you're doing and guess what when you get comp when you're appropriately compensated for what you do you work so much harder you work so much harder and better and you actually have more it's so much feels so good that's why i'm always like if you can afford to pay movers, tip movers, a hundred bucks that are moving some couch in, if you can afford the extra hundred bucks, fucking do it. They're not, I always go, my mom goes, well, the tips included.

I go, this society doesn't pay people enough. And the minimum wage has not increased with inflation. We need to step it up. And you go, well, the government needs to figure it out. They're not figuring it out. So if you have enough money, you got to step it up. And you got to, people need to be compensated more. I don't, when I leave tips, I leave 100% sometimes.

And my parents go, Nikki, that's too much. I go, it's because, it's not because they did a fantastic job. It's because they're underpaid. They are underpaid for what they do. Garbage men are underpaid. I should not be paid for how much I get paid. It's not right. But because I do,

I gotta give more money to other people because I'm a fucking hero. My bottom thing that my dad has said to me, hold on, I actually have it recorded. One second. Oh my God. How could you do this, babe? This song is called Babe It's by Sugarland

And it's Taylor Swift We ain't getting through this one Babe, babe, babe, babe This is the last time I'll ever call you babe Thank God I cued that up I was walking with my mom this morning I go, people make fun of

me because one day on the podcast i i hey babe answer the phone and dad goes hey babe and i go i gotta say it's babe no the worst thing my dad ever said besides babe which i didn't think was bad was i was um i've told the story a bunch but i was like you know probably 13 12 or 13 and i was in a swimsuit from swim practice and i was eating tomato soup i was eating some kind of soup it's such a weird thing to eat coming out of a pool soup because you're wet i just got home we were having grilled cheese and soup okay no i was wearing this was like it was dry by the time we spent all day at the pool and then i'm home and i'm still in a dry swimsuit and i'm eating a dinner and it's and um my dad goes hey nick it looks like uh it looks like you're getting some

boobs there and i just dropped my spoon and i was like and i cried and ran into my bed and my mom goes why would you say anything like that to her and i go oh my god and he goes oh my god i don't know what i said and she goes you don't say that to her and i ran to bedroom. I leaned up against the door because I didn't have a lock on my door. And I go, dude, I'll come back. I never want to talk about this again. And he's like, Nikki, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

And I'm like, I am never talking about this again. And I'm in my room and I'm like fucking hungry. This sucks that I have to like stay in here. And I'm like, what am I going to do? I have to come out and see my dad again. And I eventually left. We never talked about it again ever until I was an adult and I was remember when you told me I was getting some boobs and he was like I was just trying to make you feel good about your you

know when you were like excited about getting pubes I was not excited about becoming a woman and having my dad pointed out was just horrifying to me but the other day you guys I'm not joking you it wasn't as bad as this but it was I was at bill maher i go in the next dressing room to go get dressed because i got my makeup done in normal clothes my parents are in the dressing room my publicist there uh bill dixon is there my friend and um i walk in after getting dressed and i walk in i'm like ta-da and you know i look all gussied up and my dad goes god damn like he says he goes it was literally it wasn't even god damn it was like hubba hubba it literally was i'm not joking you and i go dad you don't say that to your daughter

and everyone was like yeah you don't like everyone agreed even my publicist was like yeah that was a little weird i go you he goes you just look i mean like you look like he would be like you look sexy i'm like but that's me don't i go don't say like and so that's probably the worst thing uh andrew what's the best thing your dad's ever said let's do the top one best thing your dad's ever said to you the top one my dad has ever said he goes man i could see your thick cock through those umbros and i was like thanks dad no he said your dick's really coming in there yeah he's like oh that cock is really filling up with your dick's really coming in there yeah he said oh that cock is really filling out with your dick i just remember the soup splashing because i threw the spoon and it splashed in like this whole thing and it was probably period blood because i was really getting my period too

um cheese in there okay what's the best thing your dad's ever said best thing is it came full circle or not full circle half circle i don't. Whatever. When I did my one man show, which you watch that you were so nice. Oh my God, it was so good, dude. I wish you would have recorded that. I wish you would have recorded that. Did you record that? I think it is recorded. There's got to, you got to put that, you got to put that out.

I'm serious. I got to find it. But so my dad at the end, I, you know, I ended it and I, I asked, you know, because I talked about being in debt and I talked about my anxieties, all that. I go, hey, dad, would you, who would invest? And I planned it out with my dad beforehand. And I go, dad, would you invest in me? And he goes, Andrew, I'm all in.

Which it's like, it's cheesy, but it was really fun way to end it. Oh my God, it made me cry. That's so sweet. He is so proud of you. Yeah, to go from third base of the Yankees to I'm all in. No, to come from a family where your dad has enough money

to just buy a sprinter van because he doesn't want to take a flight and to have a brother who has more money than you'll ever even come, like than Kevin Hart because of what the industry he works in where that kind of money to be made and to have been a dog walker worked in grilled cheese wanting to be like you finally

at the age of like I would say by 39 you were doing stuff that you were always doing stuff that was like people you were well respected in comedy didn't really have much to show for that to your family unless you're on tv your family like doesn't get how like the open mic scene views you but now like you have made it i mean they must be like freaking out like yeah it's cool man right it's really cool and i i just uh yeah i mean to come from a family when your dad is a jewish doctor the last thing he wants to hear is like oh you want to make it as a uh comedian as an you know as an artist he's like no be a fucking and get a career i mean that's what they're all about be safe i wanted to be a comedian and my mom was like just be an english teacher because i was really good at english always was excelled in those classes very easily. And she was like,

you should be a college professor. And that was like her safe dream for me because she knew it was achievable. It was like clear cut. She probably Googled the salary and was like, that's good for my daughter. And I just was always like, why would you want me to do something

that I don't even want to do just because it's safe? But then I lucked out having parents that supported me. But that's what I did for 15 years after college i just did things that were safe because it was through family apps called i know but that was but that wasn't that was such a you hot.com but that wasn't real i know but it was like on top of like doing a safe thing my dogs weren't safe when you were walking them but but maybe you were safe. You're right. You, Ha, and those things are not safe because I was trying to go for commission. But yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Noah, what's the top one thing your dad said to you?

All right. So for a father who is an emotional poppy, he tells this story of when I was two years old and I was in a daycare, a bench fell on my finger. So he tells a story of holding me while the doctor is sewing my finger back together. And he's like, so just the way he tells it, how I was crying in his arms and he almost fainted while he was holding me. This is just like the most emotion that i will ever get out of my father and it's the sweetest thing and i love it i love that that's so sweet what a sweet category thing we picked i'm like getting emotional i know i love when like hearing your dad tell about this harrowing time where he was so scared finally lets him open up emotionally enough to show how much he loves you but it has to be through almost thinking he's like losing you in a way that's the hardest part about these things is like why do we have to wait till my finger explodes can't you just tell me you love me when my when i to not feel and especially if they're raised i know communism yeah but at least it can come out then that's that's the the beauty is that sometimes emotions

you can't push them down and they come out finally and and i yeah i just want to add i only heard this story like maybe three years ago from his perspective i just heard a story two nights ago that i was born eight months a month early i had no idea it was a preemie until last night or two nights ago. I didn't have a heartbeat. They checked my mom's heartbeat. I was at 30 heartbeats or 30 whatever beats per minute, I guess, or whatever it is. They thought I was dying in there.

The cord was around my neck, so they had an emergency C-section when I was eight months. Jesus. And my dad just told me this story. I mean, it's just, I don't know. I was eight pounds, eight ounces, so I was a really fat baby.

I have bradycardia, which is a low pulse heartbeat. Like whenever I get, that's why I ended up actually going to the hospital for anorexia. I was dying, but my heart rate was so low that they were like, if you leave the hospital, I was there for checkup when I was like, you know, everyone was in denial about me being sick, but I was just there for a physical to go to college. Yeah. And they took my heart, like they, they you know they did the regular like blood pressure and they were like unfortunately like it's so low like we can't let you you're gonna die and like we can't let you go but the thing is I came to find out later on as I got healthy like my heart rate is always so low they everyone always thinks i'm a marathon runner and i have i've had a lot

of ekgs but my resting pulse rate is always about 49 yeah which is really low and when i'm actually really relaxed mine's like can get down to like 40 or high 30s which um and if you're dumb like poppy you probably could get to 25 probably yeah. Yeah. Oh man, I keep getting slower. But I have that 30s. Is your sister going to kill us for this? No, I think they're going to like it. And I think we should keep using it. Because Poppy is so not Poppy. By the way, Poppy, if you're listening in the future,

you are so smart. And the fact that you can't talk yet, it's so weird to me. Because I know there's so weird to me because I know there's so much going on in your head and like you understand so much more than maybe even I do. And so I can't wait till you start like really talking and sharing what's in your head because you are so not poppy.

Poppy, you're not poppy. But I think it's so funny. What's your top? My top thing. I had a hard time with this because my dad does say so many like great things about me but he uh I'll read a text that I got from him this weekend uh about the trip that we had this weekend it was really sweet my dad cried backstage at Bill Maher my both my mom and they don't usually cry that much about the stuff like they'll tear up when my dad will tear up a

lot more than my mom in terms of like pride for me especially when his heroes like he hears his heroes like like me or like I've been accepted in some way by like the industry and like he gets emotional like he'll be like I'm well enough like it's really sweet and um but when after we got done with Bill Maher I sat in the audience with them my segment was first we watched the whole show had a great time and then we went backstage because I asked like is there any way that my parents could get a picture with Bill afterwards so we're waiting in this room waiting for Bill to show up after he like you know changes out of his suit and is like getting ready to go he stops by or no while we're

waiting we're there in this like kind of green room area and I was just like so like I was just in a good mood but like not wanting to be like how good was you know I didn't like, I'm so like, I was just in a good mood, but like not wanting to be like, how good was it? You know, I didn't, I really, I felt good about it. I didn't need to hear that. But they were, they were both just like, I can't, I can't think about how good you just were and how much, you know, the fact that he goes like, I love you. America's falling in love with you. Like him to say those things and, and give me that like stamp of approval from the guy that is there.

Like they, they value his opinion about people and politics and everything so much whether or not he's right or whether or not they're right it's just like the number one person it's like obama saying that i'm cool or something like they got they were both like that was just like that was insane like they were just so proud it wasn't like it was the first time i'd seen like they they can't believe and I go well you made I go they go she my mom goes I just don't understand that like how who you are like what I just she was like I just can't handle it I go well you guys made me and they're go we we had nothing to do with that and I go yes you did like I was able to do that because of you guys like you I'm

not wasn't adopted not that even if adopted like even if i was adopted they made that like it's i go it's nurture um so that was your spot that's what you did but so um my dad said uh oh shit he wrote it on the thing with my mom and dad he goes what a fun time so great to meet and hang out um wait can i fuck he wrote a whole thing. God damn it, one second, you guys. Did he tell Bill Maher the Gary Shanley story? He said, that was a legendary day. Oh, this was Friday after Bill Maher. He sent me, after we said goodbye, my parents went to their hotel room.

My dad sent me a you up text at 11 p.m hey baby and he wrote that was a legendary day a night of my life i am so proud of the person you are i love you dad and he never like writes he never like it was just like so sweet but i think it's it's that like it's funny what i when my mom was able to take credit for me and go and i was able to to go like, mom, I'm great because of you. That was like, I always want to remind my mom it's because of you. And I sometimes want to remind my dad, it's not all you.

Like, you know what my dad, like my dad was to take credit for, I would say is quicker to take credit. Like that's my daughter. And I am responsible for some of that in a good way. Whereas my mom is like, yeah,

I don't even know how I made you. You're not, you're not from me. And I go, no mom, it is from you. And dad, it's not all you.

Like as some of this is like trying not to be you dad, like, you know what I mean? But, uh, for the first time, my dad did it. It wasn't about him.

It wasn't about like, I'm your father. And like, it's so cool to be the dad of this person. It's like, and that I might've had the dad of this person. It's like, and that I might've had something to do with it. It was like, you are special.

And, um, yeah, my mom, the other night she was drunk at Ben's party, but she came up to me and she told me yesterday, she was like, you should hear the way Ben had talked about you to me.

And Ben's so sweet. Everyone at the party, he goes, Nikki, I want you to meet this person. They're one of the best producers. Like he introduces everyone with their best credit and like talks them up. So he does this a lot, but he's telling the truth. But he at the party, he goes, Nikki, I want you to meet this person. They're one of the best producers. Like he introduces everyone with their best credit and like talks them up.

So he does this a lot, but he's telling the truth. But he told my mom, he goes, you need to understand your daughter. Like, I don't think you understand. She's an icon. Final thought, last night at dinner, I went to dinner with Spade at like 6.15. He goes early, I just said at 8.45.

And met him at dinner. And then I go, can I have my mom come later so we can get some alone time and then my mom she just she's awesome she's not like regular moms and he was like of course so my mom came at 7 30 we had a great time and um while i was like texting that i was going to be late or something i heard him talking to her and i was trying to like not hear it. And he goes, and I mean, it's David fucking Spade. Everyone knows how I feel about him. He's literally the funniest person alive,

which my mom confirmed last night. She goes, oh my God, Nikki, I can't believe how funny he is. And how she goes, he's timeless. He doesn't look any different than on Just Shoot Me. He looks the same. I mean, he looks so young. And he has the spirit of a young person too. And last night I even said said to david i was like because he was talking about he has a daughter um who's in middle school and he's like i don't you know i don't want to visit her at school i don't want her friends to

know like who i am because i don't want her to get teased for it and i go you're right like in middle school people are so girls are so jealous that's of someone famous that they might be bully her for it but in high school it's gonna make her cool so you should stop by her high school and he goes but it's they're not gonna know who I am and I go I go you're cool I go you know you're cool right like you've been cool since you came on the scene and you're always gonna be cool I go you coolness for you does not go away like you're always cool everyone will always think you're cool I go you'll be cool when you're 100 you're gonna be like that pin me a cool and he was like thanks for saying that i'm like it's just true and my mom later on goes he's timeless and i go you're absolutely right david spade is fucking he's the same person that you met on snl when he

did hollywood minute and goes ah he goes i saw the bodyguard this weekend and i i want my money back he's like um oh sorry sorry i don't mean to interrupt go ahead go no what is he no like tom petty you know tom petty never really aged until he died yes that and granted they have like the same kind of blonde hair but like yeah it's that same vibe of just timelessness and here's the thing david spade you don't if you got introduced to her high school friends they don't need to know you as david you're already cool like in person you're cool enough without that person sounds kind of yeah i told him last night i go i i'm not joking you the biggest achievement on my career is being friends with you like actual friends with you and i will say that till the day i die until i meet become friends with taylor swift but for now being friends

with david spade real friends like where he's on my top he's a he's a best friend for me in terms of what we shared and what he shared with me that is the coolest thing of my life but he told my mom last night I'm sorry this is turning into a brag fest but he told my mom last night when I wasn't listening because she later told me uh he was like just saying like she goes well Nikki just loves you so much and and he was like we love Nikki and like was just being like you know telling a mom what she wants to hear kind of thing but later on we were getting an uber home and i go how fun was that fucking spade hang she was like i can't get over it she was nikki you he said the nicest things about you and i go really i go what do you say and she was like he just said your daughter is very well respected by this industry like everyone talks well about her and she's very well respected and

having that come from david spade to my mom like that david spade respects me artistically you know like not just as a person was like you know there's no it's done i've i don't i don't need to do anything else like this whole dream of like wanting my parents to think i'm cool and that's why we're driven by everything is like our parents trying it's really is that like mommy and daddy look at me i've got it now i just need them to now i need to become a pop star and prove to my dad that i actually am a great singer yeah yeah you definitely need to keep working you haven't achieved don't even think about it final thought if you don't even be happy you know i just want to be a pop star you took a happy thing i was kidding I was cutting it with a joke

no just take it in be sincere and I need I need to drive I need things to like I need a new goal and my goals have already been met yeah I'd like to host SNL but I really I don't need to I've literally done everything I want to do but besides be friends

with Taylor Swift and maybe perform with her someday at like an after party at the Grammys or something where my sister-in-law told me do um but besides be friends with taylor swift and maybe perform with her someday at like an after party at the grammys or something where my sister-in-law told me maraca tell you that she loved your outfit the other night on bill maher thank you yeah i know i just said that too we'll talk about more bill maher's i have so much more to get into from this weekend but i do want to say that um if you live in the st louis area or would like to make a trip to the st louis area thursday night this thursday night at joe's, which is a really cool venue in St. Louis. My dad will be performing with his band Glaze and the Moon Kings from 8 to 10, doors at 7.

Joe's Cafe in St. Louis. You can go to tickets, Edgler. You can follow him on Instagram, E-D-G-E-U-L-A-R. Don't ask me why, Edgler. And then he has all the info in his most recent post, I believe. And yeah, Joe's Cafe, my dad is going to perform, and I'll probably be there. Andrew, are you in town on Thursday?

Yeah, I'll be back. I'll be there. I'll go. Besties, we'd love to see you come out. And my dad's just really talented, so I'm not asking you to go watch something that's gonna suck uh his band is great glazing the moon kings and um yeah so i'll see you there andrew uh what are you doing today today i don't know i'll probably

go hit some golf balls with my dad and my brothers and we watched the u.s open on sunday it was a father's day u.s open as a family. It's fantastic. It really is incredible. It was an incredible match. I could get into it tomorrow and let you know all the strokes. Did Tsitsipas win? Did who? Tsitsipas? Who's that? Oh wait, that's not golf. Fuck. I was

thinking of tennis. No, this guy Rom. I love this guy Tsitsipas. Oh my god, you would like this story. This guy Rom, R-a-h-m he won last tournament he was in he was up by five or six strokes he had like a few more holes to play he was gonna make like six million dollars and they came up to him on the course and go hey you tested positive for covid you can't finish oh my god so he's like karma he goes they interviewed him they go look i went home i was

like karma's gonna work out for me i'm not gonna be upset about this something better is gonna come up and two weeks later he won the u.s open fucking rom he said that he was like i'm not gonna take this as a loss first fan you're ever to win yes first fan you're ever let's rom it out don't be a poppy don't if you're poppy we coined a new phrase today guys so besties lock it in poppy means dumb but poppy if you're listening in the future you're not poppy it's just because i mean because you're a baby i set it up in the beginning go back and listen to it poppy in the future um and i'm i'm sorry that uh i wasn't the aunt you wanted to be and i'll bring you a present next time i see you if you're nice to uh yourself because it's always contingent on

being nice to poppy arlo if you're listening you're not listening uh, because it's always contingent on being nice to Poppy. Arlo, if you're listening, you're not listening. Yeah. Andrew, have a great day. I'll see you tomorrow. Noah, have a great day. I will see you tomorrow. And besties, I will see you around town in LA. I don't think I'm doing any more shows,

but love when you say hi. You guys are the best. Thank you for listening. We'll see you tomorrow on the Nikki Glaser podcast. Yeah. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your

pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated.

We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.