The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #54 It's A Great Day!

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she didn't sleep well last night because she was watching too many clips of unrequited love. Andrew also had a rough night after playing too much virtual reality games. Nikki talks about seeing herself in VR sex, they discuss specific pop ups and Andrew drops a bomb about crushing news he received. Nikki is having all sorts of feelings about something she has coming up later today and Andrew helps her get her anger out with his headlines in You Heard It Here First. Nikki shares her latest Redddit Dump and in the Final Thought they discuss some stupid things done for horniness. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki Hey guys, how's it going out there? It's Tuesday on the Nikki Glaser podcast Hey Noah, how you doing? Hey, good, I mean, eh I mean, yeah, I know, we were just talking before we started the show And I felt that man, you know we were just talking before we started the show.

And I felt that, man, you were in your backyard this morning and you found a dying mouse, right? Yeah. And it was just a little mouse that was just kind of like in its final stages. Yeah. Yeah. And you cried. I know. I just so i thought it was already um deceased but when i walked up to and looked at it i saw it like gasping like air and then that's it that just like made me start bawling sweet that there's nothing you could do i there is nothing you can do i hate what i see that so much like i oh my god like a little baby bird or something. Or like when something is like twitching and like I, you want to just like crunch it under

your foot so that it like just ends its life quickly, you know? Because if I were that, I'd be like, finish me, Noah, you know? Like that would be what I would want. But I also don't want to crush something with my, I don't want to feel little bones under my foot. I'm sorry. And, but I was just saying to you, like how sweet that that mouse like had someone honor it and like,

you know, acknowledge that it existed. It like, you know, and like, it's, it's sweet, but it's so,

it is so sad. And there's so much animal suffering everywhere because the world is a you know not just because of factory farming and all that shit that i care about but like yeah i saw a fucking seagull today i just walked to um uh i'm in beverly hills staying here and we just walked down the street to like the little like to starbucks my mom and i she's staying here and uh and on our way there there was a seagull a giant seagull that looked a little rough around the edges just out like in this little like area like it was almost waiting for the Nespresso store to open and it was just walking

but it's like you're a long way from the sea buddy I mean it's like Beverly Hills is far inland and it was just like it looked like so and I was just like what do I do what do I do the seagull like needs help and it was just getting scared by my attention and then I remember that reiki woman that I saw in the Cayman Islands she told me that um birds are my angels and that every time I see a bird that I like every time a bird catches my attention I should just or like is in a spot that it shouldn't be or like you know you should go that's someone trying to tell you something and so I was like what are you do I need to get new Nespresso pods for my brand new machine like what what is it trying to tell me um so I don't know I'm just uh I need something today I need any

sign today I'm having a rough morning I couldn't sleep last night feeling a little sad and sorry for myself and like a little uh I watched um I realized like I need I need like porn to cry right um Dan Soder has a good bit about like how he he like watches uh you know a mentally handicapped person like getting a note that he's going to get into college you know those videos and everyone cries like that's his porn that's like his gangbang of crying like for me my mine I realized last night I just have to pinpoint much like music when I'm trying to feel my feelings about like a heartbreak or usually about a boy and and when I say boy I mean a boy because these are not men I'm crying over and that's not a slight on them I am a little girl too I am such a girl especially when I'm being um cruel particularly

cruel to someone else or I'm I'm like in the ways that I've been hurt by boys when I hurt men or other boys uh like the way I do it's because I'm a girl I'm a little girl standing in front of a boy who's not texting her um no it's not always that but it's just like last night I was just feeling kind of sorry for myself and I wanted to find the right like movie that would like or like scene that would like make me cry and I always love the scene I think when I saw it in eighth grade, it caused me, it's almost like I knew that I would forever, and maybe these movies made it so that I romanticize love that can't be.

We should be together, but the world, like Romeo and Juliet, we can't, I love star-crossed lovers. I love the Taylor Swift video for wildest dreams because she has this romance. And then at the end of it, she's like on the red carpet with like she had a romance like she's in Africa on this on the set of this or in the music video, it's such a good song, Wildest Dreams, because it's like, will you remember me,

standing in the white dress, staring at the sunset, or sunset babe, red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll see me again, even if it's just in your wildest dreams, because you say wildest dreams of like, yeah,

and your wildest dreams will be together, but like, she's saying the only time we're going to be together, because of life, we can't continue this romance i'm i'll see you in your wildest dreams and then at the end of the music video this shows she's like in africa on like a set of a movie and her and the lead have like this romance on and off screen and it's like torrid and it's like all these things and then at the end of the video it cuts to she's at the premiere and she's like torrid and it's like all these things and then at the end of the video it cuts to she's at the premiere and she's standing there on the red carpet and taking photos and he's there

and there with like the producers of the movie and he's there with his girlfriend or his wife or whatever it is and she's standing there and they just are like catching each other's eyes kind of like that i why do i like that why do i like that like poor taylor she'll never get the guy that she could have loved and and he could have loved her i like that more than being the girlfriend in that scene i mean obviously no one wants to be the girlfriend in the scene because she's not aware of this thing that's happening so no one wants to be that but in the end that girl kind of won so like i always want to be the one who wins the guy, whether it's about another girl or it's about a guy just choosing you in general over anything else, the potential of other

people. But in the end of the movie, so they're in the premiere and they're watching it and she's like crying and they're watching their love on the screen and she's like sitting next to him. It's a great music video, Wildest Dreams. She's a brunette through the whole thing. If so, if you didn't like Taylor because she's blonde, I don't know what maybe some people are like, shut up about Taylor. And maybe it's because she's blonde and you're more into brunettes. Hey, check out Wildest Dreams music video. So at the very end though, she runs out of the theater because she can't take it. She's like, I'm just leaving this.

And then she's going in. She's pulling away and she looks in the rearview mirror of her car and he runs out into the street and is like, wait. And she's she just keeps going. She's like, too late. So good. So last night to get a cry in. I I didn't watch that because I've watched it too many times and I'm almost desensitized to it. But I did pull up another scene that is the same.

Fuck. Oh, my God. I'm going to cry even thinking about the scene because he is just so fucking good in it. Castaway. Tom Hanks Castaway. That scene. So if you don't know, Castaway, Tom Hanks a uh uh his plane crashes he has a wife helen hunt his plane crashes he uh then is on the island when he gets rescued what is it like five six

years later he comes back and he's waiting to meet kelly his wife who has thought he died moved on is now in a relationship with mr big from sex in the city and tom hanks is just all the only reason he lived was because he had a picture of his wife the whole time and just like waiting for her and loved her so much she moved on thought he was dead and then they i didn't see this youtube doesn't have the scene before it but they have a scene where chris noth uh mr big comes into this tom hanks is alone in this room everyone's celebrating his return it's at this airport where he first lands and this big press event he's in this room alone and mr big comes in it's like hi uh i'm kelly's husband and he had the look on his face of just like what and then

he's so sad and he looks out the window after the guy left and he sees this guy like comforting his wife who's sobbing in the in the parking lot Helen Hunt's sobbing she can't go in there and see her husband who's now alive um and then he goes and I think they like he goes to her house when the husband's out of town he's just like tells her how he feels and she's like this is my life he sees that she has a kid and all this stuff and then he drives away no have you seen this scene so tom hanks goes back to see his wife they for the first time they've seen each other there's like a definitely chemistry and she's very sad and she's like i've moved on i don't remember because the scene wasn't on youtube but then he leaves and it's raining outside and he pulls off and then you hear her at her house like a yard

away go wait and you see his car just go and like go reverse instantly and he runs out of the car it's pouring rain and she runs up and they just like make out she goes you're the love of my life you're the love of my life and like she and she's like like saying like my husband that i'm with now wouldn't be here if it like you it's you but i can't be with you and then but then in this moment you're like there but but she's admitting like no i want to and so he leads her to the car and he gets her in the car and he goes around and he gets in the car and they're in the car and they're about to drive off to their like new life together she's gonna leave her house you know she'll be back to get her stuff later but like they're gonna pull off and she just goes she goes wait he's about to drive like put it into

drive and she's like I can't I I can't like I can't and he's just like and she just gets out of the car and they never see each other again but that like we should be together but we can't because the world is so hot to me and I was able to uh squeeze out a couple tears out of this old dry apricot of a head like I feel like my head is like a peach and it's like in a uh dehydrator sometimes and like there's a little bit of juice you could get out of it but I gotta pull up a clip to summon it um but god Tom Hanks is so goddamn good I was watching his face when he finds out that Kelly has a husband that scene I go I wonder I've never asked an actor like what are you thinking about when you're doing that scene are you that man or are you aware that you're Tom Hanks being that man like you know what I mean like sometimes it's so good because a lot of

times you go okay that person's acting they're saying the lines but Tom Hanks I just you you just are like I want to know what's going through Tom Hanks's head in that scene I would I don't know that I've ever heard an actor ask that. Like, what are you thinking about when you're acting? Who knows? What am I thinking about when I'm on stage? A lot of times I'm in the moment, but sometimes what I'm going to eat later. I have to call an Uber because my next set is 15 minutes ago.

And I'm supposed to be on stage and like stuff like that. Like I'll be thinking about other stuff so I wonder if Tom Hanks is going over his grocery list when he's telling his young Forrest um you know your mom would have been proud or whatever oh that's the other scene I love scenes where lovers can't be together be together I tried to watch Romeo and Juliet too the um the end of the Claire Danes Leo I couldn't because they look too young and I was like don't kill yourself come on now like Juliet you can go on you're gonna be sad but this is Claire Danes is crying in that movie is so iconic and such a choice because

and it's so maddening because if the end of Romeo and Juliet if you don't know spoiler alert for the last 1400s or whatever the goddamn he wrote it you know Romeo thinks Juliet is dead and then she wakes up and right as she wakes up literally she opens her eyes and she's smiling at him and she kind of sees him go to take the potion and she's kind of gets confused and then she reaches her hand up right when her hand touches him and he sees that she's alive he has put it in his mouth it's like bitch just raise your hand a little bit sooner it came down to like milliseconds and i'm just i'm sitting there watching it going like maybe she will do it sooner even though i've seen this movie a million times and then you know he's like dying and And she's like, and then he dies.

And this is her, this is her crying. Oh, it's like, it's like, it's such a real cry. It's like, oh, it's so, if you know, you know. But it's a weird cry. And I didn't even get to that part because I was just like, just touch him sooner, girl. Because she fully wakes up

and she's just like smiling at him. Like there's Romeo as he's like, oh, about to take this potion. I don't know why I love it. I just, and then I, the other thing I love in movies is when someone talks to a dead person that is like, I tried to make you proud.

I'd like that fucking kills me. But you know what that is like i tried to make you proud i'd like that fucking kills me but you know what that is it's the same thing it's it's some it's loving someone that you can't talk to and be with it's the same requited love it's unrequited love like if they're dead and but finding or like a letter from a dead mom to like when a mom writes letters to it that she she has a baby and she has cancer or something and she writes the letters of like every year I'm gonna write you a letter and then oh my god just talking from the great like unrequited love what is that I have parents who both love me that are together why why do I like why do I want that I did I guess I what I want is like deep, deep romance. Why don't

I spin this and make it a good thing? Maybe it's not. Maybe those to me are just the most, like those are not just examples of like, oh, you can't have the person. It's like, you know, that like, you're the love of my life, which by the way, I don't think love of my life is true. Like you're a love of my life. I, by the way, I don't think love of my life is true. Like, you're a love of my life. I think people can have, you know, different versions of that. Last night on The Bachelorette, one of the guys, his wife, the only woman he's ever loved, met in college, died seven months after they gave birth to their son. Or she gave birth to their son. And he's now on the bachelorette it's been a you know he has a son and he's a widower and he's telling

the story at dinner of like how she died and he's like shedding some tears he's emotional but not like i didn't think it was crazy but um some people might think that's a little much. Like, I don't want to hear you cry and say how much you loved someone. And like, because he's like, the second I saw her, I just knew she was the most amazing woman, all this stuff. But then she died. You know, it's a lot of people. I bet a lot of people wouldn't be able to handle that of like he loved someone else. You would kind of be like, I'll just hold his hand. But I'm really jealous right now.

And I don't feel that way. Even if it's a type of love that I never get from him, the way he talks about her, my love, his love for me can be different than that. You can have, why are we allowed to have so many friends in life? Like Noah, you and I are friends, but if you get a new friend,

I don't go, God, she has less love for me now some people do some people look for drama and do that's true but not you yeah I think we just allow our friends to have many friends that are on the same level as us and don't require the same like it should only be me and it's only ever been me I don't even want to hear about your past like it's such so insecure um and I don't want to be that way I I could have been that way and I understand that some people are and can't help it but it's because you're insecure it really is and that's not a moral thing you're not a bad person because you're insecure you just didn't get enough love at

some point in your life when you were building up self-esteem that's it um and and guess what you can work on it you can you cannot be insecure if you work on yourself that's I had to very much and I still have a lot of work to do because I'm watching castaway to cry um but you know as someone who has had uh what was I just gonna I mean I you know i was in a relationship and a guy that i had dated died while i was in this relationship and i was so upset about it because he was a friend of mine not just someone i hooked up with but like i cared about him and my my lover at the time could not handle that i was crying about another man even though he was dead could not handle it was very very jealous despite himself didn't want to be i mean what a

what a hard thing to be like mad at your girlfriend she's crying about someone that died but he was he was really upset about it because he felt that i cared about this guy more than i than him he must have sensed it or something and maybe I did I mean I don't know but guess what I I even no matter how much I love someone in my past I just I don't maybe that's a wrong maybe that's my problem is I like when someone is in a relationship or like I don't really I don't really or even married I'm not gonna like pursue a married person ever but I don't really I don't really or even married I'm not gonna like pursue a married person ever but I don't if that person gets a divorce someday I'm not gonna be like he'll never love me like her and the only reason I'm not gonna the thing is if just because someone

died that's the thing the dying makes it different than a divorce because maybe you can entertain dating a man who loved a woman once but now he hates her because they're divorced. If he still loved her, they'd be together. Well, not the case, actually. Maybe they just, actually he might have loved her more than he'll ever love you. And that's okay because love can be different.

People always say, what about kids? That's the thing that proves people wrong about loving more than one person. This love of my life bullshit. When you have a kid and you you choose to have a second kid are you gonna have to split your love between those kids now no you just make more love no one ever goes how like if i was in a relationship and a guy was like i'm in love with someone else i'd go but that means you don't love me enough i'm not

meeting all your needs but when a mom has another baby, does the kid go, was I not enough? You can love something else. Yes, I can. Because you can love more than one thing. You don't have a finite amount of love in your heart. So why can't we allow our partners and our romantic partners to have loved or have the potential to love someone else. That doesn't mean they don't love you. I honestly, I love that about myself. I wish other people would get on fucking board because I'm tired of dealing with men

who are insecure that you might have loved or could love or be attracted to someone else. And I'm tired of, I'm just, and I'm tired of the expectation that... I'm tired of every... Yeah, I want everyone to get on board with me, but I think I'm alone in this. I really do.

I'm tired of insecurity, and I don't want to be insecure anymore, and that's why I'm probably lashing out at other examples of it. Let's get Andrew in here speaking up. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears at The Daily Show, which means he's

also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of

correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hey.

Hey, Andrew. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Nikki. Hey, Nikki. Hey, Nikki. hey andrew hey andrew hey andrew hey nicky hey nicky hey nicky uh how'd you sleep last night uh i slept good uh i mean have you done virtual reality ever have you ever done it i mean i guess dreaming is like virtual reality. Yeah, no. Yes, I did virtual reality porn. Did you really? Yeah. My show Not Safe on Comedy Central, they made me a porn. Like we were doing a segment for the third season of the show where it would be me using virtual reality porn.

And they made me a porn where um hot guys like it was like bachelor theme because i love the bachelor and then these guys uh bring me feed me fro yo and then a girl i don't know why they had a girl go down on me but it was just like for the sake of it and then um and then at the end i squirted like my my fake body squirted it was really weird and i had to watch this with a broom of people and i was kind of getting horned up while i'med it was really weird and i had to watch this with a broom of people and i was kind of getting horned up while i'm watching it was really weird wait could you choose your own ending or was it already chosen for you it was all it was like gonna be a surprise you know they made it with me in mind and they were like here's your surprise of like this is yeah dude it is wild it's oculus

it's called you put it on and you you go to another world and i know it sounds cheesy but you literally go to another world and it's like it you're inside it was like a shooting game and you're like inside this like space and you're and you can see your hands like these glowy hands i'm telling you it's fucking wild and you can pick up the gun and you're shooting the gun and then you take it off and you're like back here i swear to god it feels like that like you're like oh i'm back with my brothers and my nephews just put me back in space yeah taking it off and like just seeing a room of crew men just like looking at me i was just like oh god i want to be back in that mansion where the those guys in suits had roses and that girl

was fingering me it was it is a it's a weird awakening from it oh it's so funny to watch when someone is else is doing it too i know you just go you look so stupid yeah you just look like you think you're in a different world look at you but uh that's cool you got to do it we got to get one there's a dance game on it where you could like challenge people dancing i think you would i mean it would be unbelievable i bet i would love it let's get one are they go down on ricky martin or something ricky martin i thought you were gonna say ricky gervais which i honestly would probably prefer going down on versus ricky martin actually because ricky martin i know wouldn't enjoy it unless i you know was we're on beat he only cares about the maybe he had on a um o Oculus thing and could pretend I was a man.

He's gay. Makes you pretend you're Ricky Gervais. How weird would it be if virtual reality, you're going down on yourself? I would hate that. I would hate that. I don't think I'd try. If I could, I don't think I'd eat my own pussy. You know how guys try to suck their own dicks?

I wouldn't do it. I would not want to do that. I mean, sometimes when I'm real horned up by myself, I'll lick my fingers or something like that where I'm like, why are you even doing this? But it's like, oh, because I'm into myself. But I don't know that I'd bury my... Maybe.

I can't say... Never say... You know, I touch myself, so why wouldn't I lick myself? I don't know what's weirder. Virtual reality where they still make you get flexible to suck your own dick or a version of you sucking your own dick it's just a verse it's a it's another world where your spine is more bendy that's the only different thing about the world then the other part of me takes yoga but the thing is you have to have a dick in your mouth to make it seem like when they were feeding me like virtual reality fro-yo, someone like had to give me fro-yo so it would

actually be the, you know what I'm saying? Oh, got you. I didn't know they did. So if someone's touching you, like fake virtual reality porn is going to be great, but you actually have to have the feeling on you to. That makes sense so you would have to have a pocket vagina and wow wow she's in front of you yeah you'd have to have like a fuck machine or someone doing it and then if that's the case just have just take it off and like i let the person do it i don't know i mean that is the future of porn is virtual

reality and we're all going to be i mean porn is are already made sex with human beings so much more fraught and scary and weird and and changed it so much but so bring it on let's change it even more with vr like ruin it even more our living room couch i feel bad for porn is like i mean i i love it obviously but it there's no question that it has changed the landscape of hooking up and what sex is and just being able to be present during it and like yeah it's and and what your expectations i mean every young boy watching it every young girl watching it because you they do see it there's no protection for kids from porn online it's the easiest thing to access and it is so crazy the images they see crazy i

mean just yeah stuff that is just on the front page is so disturbing and so not even close to what you know the kind of sex teenagers should be having is it's i mean back in the day you had to hit enter. Remember? It's like, are you 18 or older? Yes. Now here comes some pussy. You had to scroll down and find your birth date, you know? Back in the day.

And lie. Yeah, you had to be like, I'm over 18. You had to lie. Back in the day. Now they don't even. They don't even do that. They just, yeah. And the pop-ups are not that, you know, intrusive.

Pop-ups? Callback to yesterday. Oh, yeah. Terrible. It used to be. Not good at all. Not even a little bit. It's like not even a little.

I know. So, no, like my phone, I get some like viruses on my phone. On my Apple phone, I get viruses from the the porn i go to there's this one that will um just put a bunch of things in my calendar and it's like your phone has been hacked like it literally be like 8 p.m tonight your phone's being hacked it's like it literally litters your calendar with all these or like it starts a new calendar in your like google phone and it's like the i don't even care. I'm just like, all right. I left it in for a while to remind myself I have a porn addiction to be like, this is the consequence.

Leave these reminders of like, blowjobs tonight, XXX online. It's like 11 p.m. on Wednesday. And then 915, call your grandma. You're right. You're right. Yeah, you're right, porn. You know what, porn? You're right about that.

Work harder. I know, porn. Thanks. know what porn you're right about that you know work harder i know porn thanks but it used to be exhausting the the um just the the the pop-ups that you would get and now i find on like porn hub free i use premium but when i've i've had to do free because i didn't remember my password or whatever on my phone um i don't do premium for porn hub so when I go on Pornhub now, I'm surprised at how little ads there are. And how like- Yeah, there's so many more pop-ups

on the articles that Noah sends me to read. I go and find like- Have you ever tried to look up lyrics? Woman hit by car. And it's like, you're trying to sell me like squeegees. And I'm like, what? I don't, I want to see this woman get hit. You're so right.

Yeah, there's more pop-ups on these like random news stories or looking up the lyrics to a taylor swift song i get like do you are you a horny single like that's the thing the pop-up i get all the time on my porn they obviously think i'm a man because it's this virtual reality woman i listened to it yesterday the whole a couple days ago i listened to the whole um thing but i just if anyone is out there it's like such a specific thing that has heard this because it must be a ad do you watch porn hub andrew is that where you go yeah porn you know this ad where the girl goes it's like there's a sound of it sounds like they're in a cellar or something like it's like echoey and it's virtual reality and the girl goes she's like getting pounded from behind she goes i i think i i think i have to go home you know she goes i and she's like getting fucked obviously and she goes you know i should probably be going pretty soon you

know i gotta go home someone's waiting for me there it's like it's the and then there's like a weird dripping faucet in the background but it's just this me there it's like it's the and then there's like a weird dripping faucet in the background but it's just this thing obviously everyone's turned on by fucking someone that has to go a woman that has a husband at home or something oh yeah you know home yeah i gotta go pick up my kids from school oh do you you got a time limit yes it's like why we watched the show 24 like you want you want some yeah that's how every i love that you knew the sound of what i was making dude that show is so funny i mean it's like one hour of the day i loved that show oh i loved that show just keith sutherland like breathing heavy and everything were you turned on by him he's kind

of hot right oh yeah yeah i mean not like he wasn't like popping up in my vr porn but um he's not but he's definitely was sexy in that um god yeah i i he's manly i feel like it's interesting when actors come off so like rugged you can't have a relationship with him he's like saving the world um do you know what i mean like a rugged actor it's like dude you're uh you're you're in choir like what are you doing like totally but he's rugged steven lines and you were in some class you were like and inside the actor studio all those dork actors that are like excuse me can i ask you a question mr al pacino um so when you like acting is so like well you've seen the bradley cooper when he's yes who does he talk to who was it it was uh oh damn it there was a guy on inside actor and bradley

yeah i remember no i know james lipton was the the host but there was some actor that he was interviewing and bradley cooper was a student and was like I have a question about this thing I think it might have been Louis C.K. No Bradley Cooper has been famous as long as Louis C.K. has been famous that timeline is way off so off

you're right like that was a real poppy moment now poppy means just like having a terrible callback I like don't you're so right about actors though That was a real Poppy moment. Now Poppy means just like having a terrible callback. I like don't. You're so right about actors, though. That's like this ruggedness. But you're really like Meisner and you study and you like do you did like warm up exercises in a circle with a bunch of other actors at some point in your life.

Like you're in a trailer with a food plate. Like, stop it you're like oh i gotta i gotta i'm riding away on a harley then i'm going to my mansion where i have a chef cook me grilled chicken yes it's you're so right there is it's very it's a being an actor is a soft profession and that is not a slight but like don't try to convince us you're like do we know who bradley cooper talked to though i really kind of want to know uh yeah i mean just look up inside the actor studio but the reason why it was so funny is that bradley is a bigger star than the guy that yeah asked the question too yeah because bradley cooper is a narcissist no offense bradley and he wanted to get on camera

he didn't give a fuck about asking a question to that guy i guarantee you it's he wanted to get on camera what oh robert de niro was it yeah okay so de niro is a bigger star than bradley cooper you know what it was it was louis did a bit about no one that ever asked a question to a star from that show becomes a celebrity and then it cut to bradley cooper that's how that's where i'm thinking of it from oh but um yeah no it is so funny those guys you said like they want to get attention so they stand up and they like they're they they're like hello robert like they try to show their acting chops too it's like when you're whenever i ask a question at a

thing like i there's a part of me that wants to be seen like i'm sorry it's like i i of course i want my question answered but a lot of times people just want to be like hi me yeah put me in your movie telepathically do you know what i've always said about bradley cooper what's that lady gaga no one believed in me in my life no one at this point in my career. But you had $50 million. I'll tell you if there's 100 people in the room and not one of them believe in you, Bradley Cooper believed in me. But I feel like you had so many fans, Lady Gaga. No one believed it. Hold on, I'm falling out of it.

I know I was a very, very very successful singer but i didn't no one thought i could be a viable actress to put me in a movie that certainly people would just go see just on the off chance that you know i might be people yeah but you just played a studio really took a chance on me you played yourself yeah you were exactly who you are. It's not acting. It's just documentary almost with you, I feel like. Well, I love that you said that because you are right. In that movie, I play a woman who doesn't think she can sing because she's ugly. And also, I'm not ugly in the movie.

And it all doesn't really make any goddamn fucking sense. Did you keep the dog after he killed himself? That's what I want to know, Lady Gaga. It's none of your business. No, the dog killed himself too. Spoiler alert. It's just like, I just, everything's, I'm in a really great mood today, clearly. I don't think you're in a bad mood. I think you've been hilarious.

Oh, good. I'm a little bit negative today. It's going to be a tough day today. I had a tough night last night, too, so I'm trying to fight it, too. Oh, as you bite your finger off? I have skin in between my teeth. Wait, why? I think it's called your gum line.

Wait, do you have skin in between? Because you were eating skin last night and some got caught in there? It's like quinoa, but your quinoa, for me, it's always going to be quinoa in my teeth because I eat a lot of it. Yours is always just like a hangnail. Oh, I literally, I bite the skin underneath my nail after I get done with the nail. What happened to you last night? I found out me lady is moving.

Sad. I know. know where to our building she's moving it no no no oh my god that's what you're sad about she's like getting closer yeah she's moving in with us nick oh my god that's so funny she got like what if you thought she's moving you're like and she asked me to help her she's just moving across town and i just really don't want to like that's why you're like and she asked me to help her she's just moving across town and i just really don't want to like that's why you're sad um i'm sorry to hear that she's moving where chicago oh shit yeah so next at the end of next month but because of a job okay great opportunity was that a possibility did you know that it was a vague possibility um it was brought up a couple months ago and then not really talked about after that not because i didn't ask or anything it just wasn't brought up and so and then it all kind of came you know when job offers come they come just one day and then you got to make a decision

because they go hey you got to make a decision now it's like do i you waited two months to make a decision i know you're gonna hire me so i going to hire me. So I was sad. Yeah, I was sad. Yeah, well. Yeah, it was. If it, that doesn't mean that it has to be over, but it's definitely, I'm really sorry to hear that. Yeah. And fuck.

She asked me to help her move to Chicago. And I was like, I think I'm on the road that year. I really did. I go, I think I'm on the road. I'm sorry, I can't yeah do you move a girl that you're no longer probably gonna like it let's say if you guys have to break up because you're moving like do you move like that's a good question one last favor i think you do if you love them or if you like i don't want to throw out the word love or whatever but if you care about them

when you god it's the thing that we talked about before. You literally help her move on. No, but it's true. Like if you love someone like, like this is what I was just talking. I was just talking at the top of the show about how I watch like all the scenes I love the most are when two people love each other and can't be

together because of external circumstances, whether it's distance or another person. And it's like, this is the same it's distance or another person and it's like this is the same thing this is so like it makes it makes it so much more like i don't know it's just love is so much easier when it's nine mile nine minutes by car away it's just so no it gets so much more intense when the distance happens when stuff like this happens it brings it to a new place i mean chicago is not that far from st louis if we're staying in st louis for you know six months maybe i don't know

whatever i mean that's another conversation to have it's four and a half um door to door and door to door door to door and i look i'm happy for carbon dale i think i did yeah just meeting champagne on the side of the road in a motel that is hot eggs i've never had that kind of sex where you meet in the middle yeah well i thought you guys had side sex before oh side yeah middle of the bed oh where you meet in the middle uh no no no no have you ever fucked on an air mattress speaking i don't think that's possible. But anyhow. Yeah, for sure I have, for sure. Wait, where did you lose your virginity?

In a hotel next to a funny bone, right? That was on an air mattress, I believe. No, it was in a hotel. This guy worked at a hotel and lived in the hotel. It was a nice little apartment, but it was, yeah, it was his apartment at a hotel. We got to get to the news. That hotel is disgusting, by the way. At least on the outside, it looked disgusting. apartment but it was yeah it was his apartment at a hotel um we gotta get to the news that hotel is disgusting by the way at least on the outside it looked disgusting you pointed the one that i

lost my virginia yeah i we saw it the other day it was a really nice hotel at the time the other day yeah what are you talking about oh i'm thinking this is in kansas city bro oh i'm thinking about the funny bone hotel oh what no oh yeah i did oh that one i did that was the one where i stated this is really disturbing and i don't even know i should tell the story but it was a sheraton and my stop there my ex and i really it's already bad enough no my ex we used to stay there because we would get drunk at the funny bone it was at the westport plaza sheraton and one night we i we got so wasted in the middle of the night i guess we had sex and i didn't remember it and we were joking that i was like you like raped me like i mean that's not a joke

it's not funny if you've been raped i'm really sorry i'm not making light of it but i was very immature at the time this was 24 and we were like you raped me and so then we called that place uh the share sheraton the share a ton of rape look it's a cute joke between a couple you know i wonder why we didn't work out and why i constantly pursue men that uh take advantage of no no they don't he didn't take advantage of me well not that time but i i definitely think a drunken when you're with your boyfriend having sex in the middle of the night where both of you are kind of half asleep and drunk and probably won't remember it i couldn't constitute as rape to me but we joked that like i didn't i don't remember it so sheridan uh we gotta

get to the news what were you gonna say no i? No, I think a lot of relationships joke about when one is sleeping and one is like half asleep. Yes, which is not okay. By the way, if you're anyone out there, it's not okay to have sex with someone who you know is asleep. Try to get, always, consent, always, always, always, always. Unless you're out of Hyatt and then it doesn't matter because that's a nice ass hotel boy. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Tuesday. Tuesday doesn't get a lot of

credit, I'll tell you, but today's going to be a great day. I love Tuesdays. A man who used to consume 8 to 12 energy drinks per day suffered a heart attack because of it and is on a mission to ban the sales of these drinks to kids. I know the Celsius is going to come up.

Oh, I wasn't going to. I got defensive. Yeah, a little defensive. Listen, you're not wrong. Maybe I just didn't. I'm not in attack mode today as much as I am attacking myself mode today. I really am. Yeah, and I'm not feeling great today so

it's all gonna go inward usually my yeah it goes outward and that is also because i don't like myself but today it's it's all going in i want you to like yourself please like yourself i mean i oh are you kidding me i love myself uh i just uh how many monsters were you drink when you got stuck in that we love the can the sound of a can i love yeah don't you don when you got stuck in that? We love the can, the sound of a can. I love, yeah, don't you crack my can before you give it to me. I hate when people are like, I popped your Zevia for you. I'm like, that's the best part. It's like lighting a cigarette.

Someone lighting a cigarette for you. Any cigarette smokers out there or you have been before? Can you imagine someone lit your cigarette? The best part of a cigarette is the first drag. And a pop in a can of so love it um monster energy i had to quit the i was drinking the blue monster energy that was like that was really an addiction for me i loved it so much i had two and it's i started getting sores on my tongue legit like did you have that instead of coffee or no i don't remember i'm trying to remember i would just it wasn't like i was trying to supplement it was just like i i don't know i don't really

keep track of my caffeine i just like want what i want what i want to and i just do it um but no i would i would have two monsters again and i would or two monsters a day and i would have to limit it because um i would have to pay attention to that and be like keep it at two but it just tasted so fucking good and it was it didn't make me feel jittery or anything but it the the whatever was in that the guarant whatever was eating my tongue i had sores on my tongue and i i had to stop and they would burn when i would drink it and i go that's what's making this happen and then i looked into it and it was a it's a it's a side effect of those drinks i mean these drinks are disgusting i saw true remember true life the mtv show oh yeah yeah yeah where it was like kind of like intervention before that show there's true life i'm addicted to caffeine oh my god or i'm addicted to energy drinks

that opened my eyes to like these people there's some people out there that have like eight a day my buddy was addicted to five hour energies oh my god and i was like he would drink like 80 hours in a day you know what i mean like he would he would do a whole week or months and he would he would open up his car door and they would fall they would fall out and he had a seizure so yeah i don't know if they're connected but i is people don't it's people don't have any clue how addictive caffeine is they don't want to admit it to themselves they'll never say that like but i'm serious when i try to not have caffeine within 20 minutes of going i want it but i'm not gonna have it i have a headache i am depressed i'm lethargic if you want to see the

side effects of actual people trying to wean off caffeine follow the subreddit decaf it's people trying to quit caffeine read the horror stories of withdrawal it takes a year before people feel normal after getting off coffee a year so what do you cigarettes is seven days to get the addiction out of your body is there an alan car book for this i'm not even kidding yeah i bought it it's on my shelf in my room i just haven't picked it you know like i always have the book it's interesting because no one wants to hear your caffeine problem it's even less than if you're addicted to weed or alcohol it's like i don't care like oh you're addicted to frappuccinos like no one wants to hear it um that's not true as an addict it's a problem i'm not saying that i think that i would want to hear someone that says i got sores on my tongue because i was so

addicted to this thing this thing was giving me wounds on my tongue yet i still drank it that is a really sad story or you know but i get what you're saying like yeah i uh i could like i was tossing and turning in bed for hours is not as good of a sob story as you know i crashed my car into a fucking church um god last night i was looking at princess diana car crash like pictures yeah i mean i was in a bad state i couldn't sleep last night why do you go to those pictures though if you're already in a bad mood does it make you feel better to see horrible things like what do you think that is i was just like fascinated by i'm i'm always fascinated by tragedy and like morbidity. I don't want to see, I read all about her death.

I don't know. I saw some article and then I just, you know, it came up because it's, it's the 30th anniversary or 20, some anniversary of it is coming up on August 30th. And, and I was just reading about her last words.

Oh, it was some headline that was like Diana's last words from the person who was first on the scene. And it was, Oh my God, what happened? What just happened? That was her last words from the person who was first on the scene and it was oh my god what happened what just happened that was her last words and she was she was her face was not there was nothing wrong with her on the outside nothing they pulled her out and like her face they were like because the people first on the scene didn't even

know it was her they were just like this beautiful woman and it's just so sad it was so sad and and she was alive for a while and you know she had a pulse they were there conspiracies that they killed her after the crash i'm sure there were but i read all about it the other night the first doctor that worked on her and how they tried to save her life they were trying to get her heart back working for like an hour after it was stopped like they they didn't get they're still trying um next story uh las vegas raiders carl nasib nasib i think is met with a wave of support as he comes out as the first ever openly gay nfl player that's active that's actually playing currently he's 28 years old his video i don't know if you've seen it he's

so well spoken and it's like so moving and he he gets in gets ahead of all the haters what they would say you know what i mean like what does he say like just essentially like i don't think that this should even i shouldn't even have to do this you know what i mean like i hope we get to a point where i don't even have to say this i don't like the spotlight i don't want attention from this like he has toface, preface all of this before. And he said that, that suicide in kids that kill themselves that are, that are gay goes down 40% if they just have one friend or one parent that says it's okay.

Like that's wild. And you know, and so I don't know. I mean, it's a beautiful thing. And so many people are coming out like, you know, happy for him.

And that was, I, I could not believe it was everywhere yesterday this headline i couldn't believe this is the first person that's out that's playing what are we in 1942 get the fuck out of here so we just assume every if you play football you gotta want to fuck women and that if you don't it's like this thing that might make you a different kind of player what is what where are we living i mean i just the idea that anyone i just i i don't even want to talk about it because i want to honor gay people it's just like i just can't believe anyone would take issue with it this world is so sad that that is a that especially football good for this guy for coming out with it because that's the thing you need to come out you need to say these things and

rub it in people's faces so that they get used to it but it's just wild to me that this is still yeah so many of the comments are like who who cares it's let's see more football who cares and it's like you can't handle three posts you know what i mean people are so saying that right now too no you're not i feel like you're those people are like i don't want it those people i don't want it in my face and it's like yeah they don't that's still a disdain for exactly and they're saying no i don't care i don't care it's like you do care because you're saying you don't care so you definitely care stop it just stop anyways but yeah It's like you do care because you're saying you don't care. So you definitely care. Stop it. Just stop.

Anyways. Yeah, it's, you know, I think what happens is people are afraid the more celebrity you are because you'll lose, you know, maybe you're not, maybe not, you won't get as many like ad dollars, but I think you probably will get more if you come out and you're a great player. That's his choice. Like, why does anybody else care how much that guy makes off ads i guess the nfl does like i mean look i think i think i i have a buddy that played in the nfl for 13 years

and he said there's a lot of gay men in the nfl oh really thanks andrew sorry i mean that duh i think it's something like 10 of people are homosexual so do the fucking math there's so many closeted people like yeah i mean it's that's that's wild to me that anyone would assume this is the only gay guy and then i'm like oh really yeah well there's a lot of bisexual people there's a and just it's just it's wild it's this is it's wild and it should be we should all be very aware of the fact that this is even news in 2021 it's just just poor gay people are still having to fight that fight and it's bullshit and uh and it makes me mad and i'm probably projecting my anger but um next story i just like can't believe it no i get it i get it i'm just saying i really as

someone who doesn't know sports i'm like what do you tell this is the first out openly gay honestly i thought it would have been 1972 and even that would have been late like what what are we doing i mean there's so many gay people in football just to be fair in the article that um andrew is citing it like the headline is that he received an overwhelming majority of support yes from from like mentors uh yeah everyone's on celebrities yes yeah so it was it was well received well that's the thing is like it that's yeah but celebrities aren't going to talk it should be it shouldn't even be of note that it's well received is my point yeah it shouldn't this shouldn't be a thing it should like and i'm not saying like just play football i don't care about your sexual orientation it shouldn't shock anyone that someone who could play football is gay

it shouldn't be of note and um it's just that's just wild i literally saw that headline and i go no the first is i read it a couple times to be like is there something else about this that's special because football is gay as shit dude there's so many gay dudes in football and i mean gay is like it's no i mean good like like gay as like football is gay everything can be gay like gay people can be in and can do anything what are what are we talking about? Because it presupposes that football can't have gay people in it. Like that's, that's why it's of note.

Yeah, so that's why it's like crazy. And football is a very American Christian, like it's a very like tradition. Friday night lights, Texas, Republican. It's all Christian. It's all tied up in like, like homosexuality is a sin. Football is God.

God is football. It's all fucking God. Yeah, we used to do like the Lord's Prayer like before games. Like our Father, Lord in heaven. How the hell do I know? I'm a Jew. How do I know that?

Can I tell you something positive? You know, it's Pride Month. I was driving by and I passed a church. And on the marquee, guess what it said? What? I hate football. Happy Pride Month. Good.

So I was like, whoa, that is, I wish I could have stopped and taken a photo of that to share, but I'm glad I get to share it with you. There is a lot of progress. I saw something else too with conservatives, because a lot of times you'll be like, well, conservatives hate, 60 to 70% are on. Oh, well conservatives hate 60 to 70 are conservatives hate gay people no i'm not saying that you do i'm just saying that i think a general public like might think that that they haven't looked that 60 to 70 percent of conservatives are on pro-gay for pro-gay marriage oh that's so nice yeah they did it oh thank you so much for thinking that people who are gay don't choose to be gay.

You fucking morons. You fucking idiots. Anyone who doesn't like gay people, you are the dumbest person alive. You literally are one of the stupidest people. I remember I was a teacher. I was a teacher at a Korean prep school in 2008. And my students were making fun of gay people. They were saying gay and stuff.

And I go, I'm going to cancel the lesson today. Can we talk about this? I go, do you think someone chooses to be gay? Can we talk about that? And I go, I just really want to hear what you think. Do you think gay people would choose to be the butt of jokes to have this thing that they have to hide from everyone? Do you think like, do you want that? And they were like, um, I guess not.

Okay, so maybe they didn't like, I just don't understand. People think that people are trying to be gay. Because I know some people are like, oh, they're saying they're transgender because they want attention or they want to change their sex. Because you don't choose the fact that you are dumb and you can't wrap your head around. I should have more of a compassion for dumb people. Poppy. Yeah. Yeah, I'm so sorry you are so poppy that you can't wrap your head around the fact that gay people might not, that you don't like gay people because they're not Christian.

Trying to get attention. I should have the same empathy for those people that I expect them to have for homosexuals or anyone that feels like outside of the, you know, the gender norms. So yeah, I really, I am so sorry you're so fucking stupid if you're someone who doesn't like capable and honestly if you have any family members that don't like gay people or can't tolerate it fuck them too i hate them like i'm so angry but come out

to a show though those like i love that we're like but 70 percent of people are cool i know i know 30 percent that means if you 10 republicans three of them are gonna say gay people are are wrong yeah no i know step in front of traffic please i hope a gay pride parade fucking runs you out and just flattens you with their confetti i really do i hope some i'm in i'm i'm in a bad mood today i'm wishing like death upon people no i hope you get run over and like it runs over your toe no it runs over the part of your brain that's dumb as shit yeah and then you're smart yeah the poppy part all right let's get to why do i care why do i care i'm so angry oh this this headline i can't wait for the rant to go on this one god you guys it's just so it's a really hard day for me i'm gonna be in such a better mood tomorrow i think okay what

sick of women commenting on my face caitlin bristow hits back at comments that she's looks different after returning to the bachelor universe earlier this month after a six-year hiatus fans commented on how different she looks she hit back she goes six years since i was on this show brow lift brow microblading got my teeth bonded some filler in my lips aging darker hair and i finally learned how to contour oh yeah i put on some weight i mean that's a beautiful response fuck you everyone if women who do stuff to their face go who cares if she looks different you know why you're mad about it people out there because you you are scared to get stuff done to your face and when you make fun of someone that

might look different and you go she looks different we got to make fun of her it's it's you don't like the way you look and you wish that you could do things to improve it. And so you're punishing someone who tried to improve the way they look because it convinces you further that, oh yeah, I don't, I don't want to do that. You're right for not trying. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm, I'm right for not looking, uh, trying to look prettier. And, and she's so like, that's the same reason we get mad at girls that try to look hot on Instagram. And I conclude myself in this. And I used to be one of these people that like got so she ruined her face you mean she was trying to get more love in this world and more um acceptance in this world because this world is run by men wanting to fuck you so she was trying to make her face more appeasing to men so not so that she could get fucked by them but so that people would like her more maybe she could have a better career all the and i'm not saying that's why caitlin did any of this

but all women are trying to do is to look better no one again it's like the gay thing no one wants to have face work that makes everyone go you look like a cat or whatever it is yeah when i see a cat woman i just go that poor woman like just was trying to look better and it went too far and i don't know there's that one guy that wants to really look like a cat so let it yeah that's fine but people get so mad about it because they because they hate the way they look oh and the irony so insecure they go they go i saw this headline i go they go what is it gonna prove to our daughter that you don't accept your own face it's like you're not being accepting of her face, you dumb bitch.

Why are you dying and ran over by a gay parade, you bitch? That's a really good point. And what does it say to your daughter that you are someone who's commenting on Caitlin Bristow's face work? You loser. If my mom was commenting on an Instagram post of a girl who wrote a post about admitting it, telling the truth and like wrote some like thing about me. I'd be like, my mom sucks. Get a life, mom.

This woman doesn't know you. You've no right to weigh in on this. And guaranteed that daughter guaranteed that mom doesn't like her face and doesn't accept herself. This idea that we're just supposed to be like, love yourself no matter what. It takes work. Yeah. I hope your daughter gets run over. Snap. This idea that we're just supposed to be like, love yourself no matter what. It takes work. Yeah, I hope your daughter gets run over. And it's not something that you can just snap.

How about that? What? No, I thought I'd just add on and make you seem. Oh God. I hope your daughter gets killed. I used to get shit about talking about how I'm insecure about myself and how I want to look different

and how I wish I were prettier. And guess what? I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want those things because that's a lie if i go i love myself i always have i love my curves i like these things when girls i there's so many examples of women who continue to struggle with how they look and they project on instagram this whole you know body acceptance movement i think a lot of them actually have accepted themselves but I think a lot of women say that they do because that's what we're we're told to say to set good examples for our children how about the best example is being honest that it sucks that I feel that I want to be prettier because so people like me more how about we talk about that honesty

I'm not going to lie and say I love myself if I don't I can't and maybe it's a bad example for your daughter, but at least I'm being honest. And you need to be honest with yourself that you're just jealous that you can't afford to get Botox, you dumb bitch commenting. Why don't you? I'm so mad at people today.

Let's get to Reddit, Dom. I love this. What's going on? You were doing so well in between you and me. I mean, I, yeah, in the top of the show i was really i think i was in a different space listen i am like gonna get out of this headspace and today is gonna be fucking amazing my mom is coming with me to this thing that i'm scared about i bring i have emotional support i um i have a plan of action for uh how i'm gonna handle anything that happens like i'm

ready what are you gonna wear what are you'm ready. What are you going to wear? What are you doing? What kind of makeup you're going to wear? You look hot. Are you going to look? No, no, I really don't.

I am myself. I'm kidding. I'm being sarcastic. I, you know, it's like, I, I can't,

I don't want to make people feel like they're not in on the story, but I just can't talk about what I'm going through. But, um, I feel, I feel, uh, I'm just going to be myself today. If myself is a little bit angry, that's who I am. I'm not going, but I feel, I feel, I'm just going to be myself today.

If myself is a little bit angry, that's who I am. I'm not going to try to be, I'm not going to try to act like I'm fine. I'm not going to try to act like I'm bad. I don't need any, I'm not trying to get anything out of someone. I'm just going to go with how I feel. Okay.

This is our Reddit dump where I save Reddit posts when I scour them late at night. This is from the subreddit hole up h-o-l up up and this is when it's like wait hold up like it's going somewhere and then at the end you go what and this is just a meme that made me laugh and there's a guy it's a meme of a guy and his woman cooking and he goes honey did i ever tell you that you cook well and she goes oh no babe and it goes so why do you keep cooking i just thought that's such a funny joke hold up it's so i love that yeah hold up okay uh the next one is oh man this one's so

fucked up dude this is from the subreddit age like milk this is when things from the past come back and it like they didn't age well like it's something that like yeah it's always funny yeah yeah yeah so this is from a uh uh the saturday evening post it's like a magazine insert from july 29th 1967 it's called the post and there's a kid on front that is seriously mentally handicapped for sure he is wearing 3d glasses and reading a book that's's what virtual reality used to be. His mouth is twisted. He's definitely someone with a learning, like a disability, right? That's fine to have a kid on the cover like that,

but it's kind of a weird looking picture he's reading. And it says, when kids can't learn, new ways to read, new ways to read, help for the retarded, how the mind works. Oh man.

Help for the retarded is one of the lines let's go to another headline on this very same okay do you see that andrew see the other headlines okay let me read them ambassador lodge reports and it says colon it's a quote ambassador lodge says we're winning in vietnam okay and then the then the one beneath that says, the violent Negro ghetto. I mean, this is, those are the three headlines. Retarded kids were wedding in Vietnam in 1967. And this is the post. So that age like milk.

Did you see the other line? NFL player thinks about coming out of closet. NFL player acknowledges the color pink is on the spectrum of colors. Don't you say pink over here with the chargers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this is from Life Hacks, the subreddit Life Hacks. When keeping leftovers from Chipotle, okay, you know how they give you like a bowl or a salad? Yeah.

And it's cardboard on the bottom and then the tin on the top flip your container upside down placing your food on the metal lid preventing the dish from becoming soggy and falling apart love it flip your chipotle interesting okay uh the problem is the fork on that lid is just you get that that uh that sound then but when you're ready to eat it flip it back flip it back flip it back yeah yeah yeah um okay so this is from white people twitter uh only psychopath this is a girl that says it's from the tweet uh our person at cowboy energy. She wrote only psychopaths buy a sticker and immediately put it somewhere.

No, you have to think about all the places you could stick it, get overwhelmed and then put it in a drawer for three years. It's so true. I really related to that. I mean, it's either going to go on the top of your computer or in your drawer forever. I mean, those are the two places. Yes. I just recently got a taylor swift sticker where

they go um myself i bought it oh we haven't even talked about your poster straight up poster on the wall we'll talk about that tomorrow yeah i have a taylor swift poster on my wall but no no frame just straight post yeah i just i didn't i've been waiting for so long to get a frame for it and i go why am i preventing having this picture of Taylor Swift she's writing songs like it's with her guitar and she's bent over like writing a song like at her like table and I loved it so much and I'm like I want it up now I want

this to inspire me now I don't want to wait and I always wait for things final thought oh it's final thought time um final thought uh in the ask reddit sub that's where people ask questions that are cool what's the stupidest thing you did because you were horny oh man and then uh here's the top comments i was gonna jerk off and thought using ben gay as lube would lead lend a pleasant warming

tingle i rubbed it on my sack and everything i spent the next hour naked on all fours gently dipping my junk in a bowl full of warm water, but the pain was excruciating. I mean. Another guy says way back when I was a stupid and perpetually horny teenager and before realizing that lotion was better, I used Vaseline as lube. Once I was ready to go and realized I was out of Vaseline, so I pulled a bottle of menthol. I mean, it's the same thing. Yeah. Bengay again.

Most painful masturbation ever, but you bet your ass I finished. Someone said I had heard or read about someone dying from auto asphyxiation. I found masturbation pleasurable and figured there must be something to it. If people would risk death to do it. I also had that same thought once. I somehow deduced it was about blood rushing to your head. So I jerked off hanging upside down from a pull up bar using the back of my knees to hang on. What I hadn't known is that you get weak in the knees when you climax and so i fell on my head and continued jizzing myself in my collapsed crumpled form he's gonna need some ben gay for his neck what's the dumbest thing you've

done that's so funny uh i don't the funny part about the first one is that he rubbed it on his balls who's putting lotion on your balls when you jerk off? If you're a guy, no guy does that. Maybe because you want to stroke your sack, too, so you want it all to be looped. No guy does that. No guy does that. But why does everyone tell us girls that you got to grab the balls, too, when you're getting a blowjob? You can grab the balls, but I've never met a man.

You don't grab your own balls? You don't lotion your balls when you jerk off. You lotion your dick. But it would be better because it would be smoother to touch then like when i'm going at some balls i like them to be moisturized so i can like or like spit on them so that there's a smoothness to rubbing them do you know true no i get it but i'm just saying it's just something that that uh i think probably will stand out to the guys listening but look maybe he's on to something lotion everything okay uh what's the dumbest

thing you've ever done oh i mean where do i start i mean probably having sex with the girl from craigslist who was dressed as a cat but yeah that was something we could talk about that another time or i mean that was wild i mean you've done a lot of things oh we've talked about that already yeah i've done a lot of dumb things i think jerking off instead of driving i was a little inebriated in new orleans during college and i was driving off instead of driving or while driving i should have jerked off instead of driving to my girlfriend's house who wasn't talking to me and my tire blew up and i was driving around new orleans drunk with three tires with sparks flying out of the car and i'm just like i hope she loves me oh boy i mean horniness makes us do literally everything you did when you're horny

um probably text a guy that i shouldn't text and say too much or something or um i guess like oh man my my hair and makeup people are here. I gotta go. I'm trying to think of the horniest thing I've done. I mean, probably pursue a man who couldn't love me. And that brings us to the end of the show. Gotta go, guys. Thank you for listening today. Wish me luck in whatever I'm doing today that's making me a crazy person.

I love it. I love you guys. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast. Stay with us. Well, this today was a, I was on, I love you guys. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast. Stay with us. Today was a mood. It was a great day. It's a great day.

All right. Have a great one. Have all the swells. And we'll see you tomorrow on Wednesday's show. Fuck Tuesday. Okay. Okay. Okay. catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears

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