The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #55 The New Usher w/ Pete Lee

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

Between You and Nikki, she is dropping a lot of "fashion eggs" with Producer Noa about the event she was having mixed feelings about yesterday. Andrew slept great after his brush with legend Rihanna in the lobby of the Bowery Hotel. Pete Lee joins them and talks about his upcoming Showtime Special: Tall, Dark and Pleasant which comes out on July 9th. Nikki and Pete bond over a similar situation they are going through and what it takes to deal with it. In the news we learn what Andrew would do with someone else's billion dollars, what an upside down pineapple indicates, about Norwegian sex positions and Pete Lee's world records. They play "The Blankest Thing I've Ever Done" and in the Final Thought they talk about bits on autopilot. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. We have such a great show today. How do I know? Because I already taped it. Yes, I'm doing that. I usually do the intro. We always do the show like in time.

But today, Andrew had to check out of his hotel. And so and I was running late because I slept too late. Because so you're about to hear a great show. That's the good news is that I can give you this report ahead. Pete Lee is on the show today, comedian Pete Lee. We discuss how we fell in love. He was my first love. He was probably the deepest love I've ever felt.

Well, it was the top love I ever felt. It was a young love. It was fast. And now he's one of my very best friends. And it's funny because the other night I saw him at ben glebe's party and um we were talking about we're both going through uh some pain right now and we were talking about like um just like how much we love each other as friends and we were like oh we were so in love then and this love the love that we had then was a romantic love but it is the same love in terms of like just the there's it's so

interesting you can have that kind of like obsessive love and then look at someone down the line and be like they're my friend and like it's not it's never like that with us anymore we did at one point so you'll hear the story of how we got together in a little bit and and how that all happened uh when pete and andrew join us but uh what i don't talk about is how uh we started talking again eventually after 11 years of me not talking to him after he broke my heart and um then we started talking again because i ended up hating another guy as much as i hated him and i couldn't i didn't have room to hate two people that much so it like freed up a space in my heart and Pete and I were you know it's 11 years down the road we're seeing each other at comedy clubs all the time and so I eventually gave in and was

like yeah I'm down to be friends I guess like and he apologized for what he had done to me and all the stuff and I I didn't apologize for my part in it which i still owe him an apology probably now that i'm saying this but um yeah we became friends again then we started talking and there was and he was in a he was in a relationship when we kind of reconnected but then um that relationship started going like not good and then we were talking again and and you'll see later on that we first got together. He had a girlfriend. And so this history is repeating itself like 10 years later when we reconnected. And he had a girlfriend.

And I was like, we're connecting like we're friends now. But like this connection, like there's something here that's I can tell you like me more than your girlfriend. And I like you too, probably. But I can't do this again. So I go, call me. After I gave him the, I said, call me when you're single. It's not going to be too long because you, your relationship, you're going to see how terrible it is because I'm giving you this like thing that you didn't, that you're, you

know, when you take away the thing that guys can a lot of times in guys who are like uh supplementing the things they're not getting in their relationship with outside uh women or other people like whether it's just like emotional support because that was what it was pete and i weren't doing anything uh illicit uh the second time around we were just really close friends but i i knew that he had me in his phone as not Nikki Glaser. You know, I knew it wasn't something she knew about how much we were talking. And I said, yeah, as soon as I go away, you're going to see what you're lacking in your relationship because I was that tent pole for you. And I told him, I go, your tent is going to fall.

You don't have my tent pole anymore. It's one of the tent but the tent is gonna suck and yeah he got drenched the the storm came the tent sucked and he called me one day I think it was three weeks after I told him don't talk to me until you're single like and I'll maybe entertain being your friend again but this is just it feels not good and he wrote me he goes I'm single and I just go I laughed and he was like really sad because he was going through a breakup and I was like oh wait I forgot this isn't like good news for you too and I was like let's get through it and then we ended up like you know he was free then and I was like I'm out of something too I go let's just we had a good sexual connection one time 10 or so years ago let's hook up again and see what happens I go let's project our heartache onto each other

by having sex we've done it before and we met up to go he flew to LA to have sex with me from New York and to like go on a date 10 years later and we met up and um it just was it was friends it was friend friend zone like we both were just like yeah know, and then I went over to his hotel because I was still like, maybe I like I got my dogs a babysitter. I was like, I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna have sex with this guy that I've like used to love. And now we're reconnecting. And I go over there and I was just like, I'm just really feeling a friend vibe. Is that okay? And he was like, yes. And I was like, can I still spend the night and then we slept in the same bed we had a great night and we've been best friends ever since and it's a lovely little little story and I'm so excited to have him on the show later

boy history just keeps repeating itself though um yesterday was uh I was in a uh I called it a pod rage which I think I'm gonna coin that like I went I a pod rage, which I think I'm going to coin that. I was pod raging yesterday. Definitely was in a mood. Can't hide it from you guys. But it helped me the rest of the day because it let me get my anger out a little bit. And then I was able to cope

with a very hard day yesterday in a way that I wouldn't have been able to without the support of the podcast. So thank you guys. And I need this as much as maybe you need it maybe don't need it um but i'm glad you're listening and i appreciate it noah how are you doing today i'm doing great i mean especially since it's after the show i know i have like my after show like hyper i know hyperness we definitely had a really fun time uh which you're about to hear um yeah i uh i know i want to say to you

we talk about it a little bit but uh yesterday during the day of um the stressful day that i had which i can't go into um a insane thing happened an insane thing that i cannot wait to tell you guys about down the road it's just i need distance but truly insane and noah you had the best reaction of everyone like i i called everyone last night i like it happened late at night and i just everyone in my phone i reached out to anyone who knew the whole story beyond it i called you and um or i texted you and i woke up this morning and you were the only one who threatened violence to the person um that i want to yes and i i want to thank you nikki and um everyone will know about this soon but i'm gonna have a great time in my jujitsu class later so thank you it's gonna it's gonna help me i like of everyone that

wrote back to me about the incident i shared um and i i'm not trying to be uh you know obtuse for you guys because i want to leave you out i wish i could tell all my besties and you know i i would if i met you in a parking lot it will yeah um i i have no it's just i'm trying to protect people uh from noah's rage but um yeah you you saying like, you wish you would have been there because you would have, like, had a physical altercation in which you would have come out ahead really made me happy. And I wouldn't have liked that for you. And I don't like, you know, physical violence. But, listen, when you have a girlfriend who could whoop some ass and she says that she wishes she were there so she could have whooped some ass for you like it feels good i feel like you it really means a lot to me i so um i just think it's really important for women to know self-defense and when my best friend's security happens to be like you know in

question that it just makes me feel very protective of the friend that uh is in that situation and um thank you it makes me feel so loved like your anger makes me feel loved like it's like you're a boyfriend that i want like the the way that you're like that should have never happened to you and i want to protect you that's the that's what I'm looking for. Person who might be listening that could have maybe done something to protect me and didn't. It just meant a lot. Your security is very important to me. And I do think about that because you, you know, like you're a rising star, but you're very grounded and down to earth.

And I don't know, like, I have to be honest with you. I do think about that a lot. Thank you, Noah. I really appreciate it and I uh yeah you're the only friend that was like I would I would have stepped in my other friends are like will you look into a uh restraining order I have a friend at the FBI I'm like no well you just offered a whoops some ass on my b i just want it done you know i already yeah like i already envisioned what i would have done and i would have just like ran in there done a double leg tackle knee on belly and like you know some kind of joint manipulation oh my god i'm so flattered i like have a crush on you now because I feel so like a damsel in distress that's like

so so nice yeah I mean it's it was a it was a wild wild day but it was one that left me truly cracking up at the end of the day of like what is my life and what have I got myself into good but what I'm about to get ourselves into is a lot of fun with Pete Lee and Andrew, in which we allude to this stuff. And we have a really good time. So thank you guys for listening. It's like I'm ending the show because to me, this is the last thing I'm recording. The show's just begun. Let's get Andrew in here.

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Hey, Andrew. What up? What up? Remember that? I mean, this is the top of the show. I want to be honest with people. I'll tell people at the beginning that I'm shooting the first part later because I'm running a little late today.

How'd you sleep? Because I slept in. I know. You called me. I woke up. I didn't know you called me. I got a call at 1.58 Eastern time, so it's not crazy. No, it wasn't crazy.

It was still before 2. Hey, bars close at 4 crazy. No, it wasn't crazy. It was still before 2. Hey, bars close at 4 there. Hey, it's 4 o'clock somewhere. You know that. Listen, I had an emergency last night. I had to call you. I called everyone. God, I tried to call my grandma, and she's dead.

I had, you know, everything. What'd you say? I was going to say, she probably answered before i did because your boy was sleeping good in a hotel but yes uh do you have your ringer on did it ring uh like do you sleep through a ring i vibrated oh okay yeah no i don't i don't have my ringer on at night what is this the morning show i you seem like someone just something we know wait wait the morning show oh yeah people keep the ringers on if you keep i was gonna admonish you if you kept your ringer on because it's like that would make your people who keep their phones the sound on when people

are like everyone silence your phones i'm like who has not already silenced their phone like i would my phone anytime i lose my phone they're like call it i go are you joking who are you that you have your phone on on no i love when an older person gets a ring and then it's it's rung two to three times and they're looking at their phone while it's ringing to see who's calling while ringing like five or six times and it's just yeah it's wild it's wild it's nuts so i called you yeah i mean yeah sorry i didn't answer it's okay i i got uh support from a third aunt who i haven't talked to ever i found her on 23andme i just needed to connect with someone last night i called literally everyone who like i was i you know when you go through your contacts to look like for like to invite people to a party or something you're like like, I'll just go through everyone I know.

Literally, I was going through everyone I know to be like, who can I tell this story to? God, fashion egg. I have so much to tell all of you. Yesterday. I guess I'll just be in your special, right? I guess. Yeah.

I mean, it's going to be my book. It'll be in my special. It'll be in. It'll all, you know, as an artist, you need a little bit of distance from things that happen in your life. But, you know, we'll be dropping fashion eggs all over the place. If you're just joining the show, a fashion egg is an Easter egg. It's a, Easter eggs are obviously like clues about something that you

can't maybe share at the time or that's like a secret thing that if you put it all together you could probably figure out what's going on but you have to be a very savvy listener and um i'm really turning into a taylor swift i was so proud of myself yesterday because i put on i did so many fashion eggs yesterday all over my um social media and like if if the fans are paying attention they could maybe get something but taylor swift does fashion eggs all or easter eggs all the time like every every taylor swift fan counts like she'll put up a picture and people will like and it's her like standing behind a night sky and people will count the stars in the galaxy and be like okay so there's 44 billion 286 seconds into until her new album

release like they're insane about it because she puts like numbers anytime she uses emoji people are like okay she used that emoji that has the color red in it that means red is the new next album and she's releasing it there were four of those red leaves so that means that it's going to be in four months or in four days or uh yeah four score and seven years ago maybe she's doing a tribute to lincoln like people like they go crazy it's so deep my fashion egg would just be like a half eaten sandwich and people go i think he ate a sandwich like it'd be like i wouldn't know like i wouldn't and we call it because andrew didn't remember the word easter egg and he called it fashion egg so um it looks like you're throwing out fashion eggs.

Yeah. I love fashion because they speak because someone last night goes, what's your Instagram story? Like, what is this thing you're doing? And I go, it's for one person. And it's like, it's always for one. I mean, if my listeners are paying attention and they see what's going on later on, when they get all the details, when my song comes out, like Taylor Swift world, all of that will make sense. You know, that's like it's not like you could figure it out now because it's too cryptic. But later on, it will all come together.

But I would love if someone has a collage like on their wall for you, like trying to figure out Nikki's brain. And it's, you know, like Charlie in the mail room. Yeah. So Nikki's looking back and then Nikki is uh in a green dress today and then Nikki I guarantee I'm serious I want that's what I kind of want because it's fun I I want that as a fan of like because it the thing is I would I tell everything but there are certain things I can't tell yet and I'm not holding back to be purposefully like uh you know guess who i saw last night guess who i actually has a team no no no big big think big uh chris noth someone actually he played mr probably be in your top 10 to see in person aniston rihanna rihanna whoa dude

where'd you see rihanna at the bowery at the bowery hotel yeah this hotel is the dude if i was a million um well whatever like 10 million i would live in this hotel forever like why wouldn't why wouldn't i why don't you tell i mean i love that's why i do it in la i'm gonna just live in louis page and then just go to la and live in hotels uh it's so nice i mean i know i keep adding days to this hotel and i don't even know what the bill's gonna be so she walked in she was glowing she was glowing and then my buddy was making fun of her uh she was walking around with a bodyguard it was he didn't look like kevin costner he looked like he had like scarred acne that he put in himself like he was

a tough looking man and my buddy i need to tough up my look so people know that i've been through accutane yeah yeah that's on my liver it's bad so uh yeah she walked by she smelled great she actually was dressed like zoltar from big remember that guy that oh yeah fortunes yeah she had like a big like hat and it was hard to see her but oh man her green eyes and god yeah she's very beautiful my ex-boyfriend one time was uh producing a show that she was on and she was warming up she was like singing in this room for this show yeah and she was singing this like love ballad and they had kind of a flirtation early on and the whole time she sang as she was warming up she was staring at him and like he said yeah he was like rihanna like was definitely giving me i was like that's the hottest thing i like think i i mean i i had him telling me

that story all the time when we'd have sex because it turned me on so much it's turning me on just like having rihanna want my boyfriend um speaking of boyfriends um we one of my exes i mean it's i'm reluctant to even call him an ex because one of my loves of my life you were the love of my life that was uh helen hunt yesterday and castaway i hope you guys uh got that um i uh one of the loves of my life is on the show today we have a special guest we're bringing him for the news. He has a new special coming out on Showtime, July 9th. It's called Tall,

Dark, and Pleasant, which he is all those things. Please welcome to the show. My first love, the first orgasm I ever had was given to me by this man. Is that something you want in your credits? I mean,

I would want it. Tall, dark, and hell of a ton. You gave me my first orgasm. Yeah. I ever had was given to me by this man. Is that something you want in your credits? I mean, I would want it. It's all dark in the hell of a ton. You gave me my first orgasm. First guy to go down on me. No, I don't think you were the first guy to go down on me, but that's what did it. Well, please welcome to the show, Pete Lee. Hey, hi.

Hi, Pete. I do want that in my credits. I absolutely, I think that that should be the lead in my bio. Listen, I've been chasing that in my credits. I absolutely, I think that that should be the lead in my bio. Listen, I've been chasing that dragon ever since. I was like, what the fuck was that? And that is what has fucked up my whole life,

Pete. It's like, you're the first guy to introduce me to heroin or something. Well, I mean, what did you do? What's your move, Pete?

I just cared. I don't know. Like I really, we were so in love. It was love. We were so in love it was love we were so in love we were i think it was love i really do because i think back on like why some sex is good why it like when i i've never been in love that way until recent like recently like felt it back the same way i gave it but we were so fucking in love we had only known each other four days yeah this

happened we were so we had known each other for four days it was like so passionate so crazy and um i love that like you're literally saying you got it bad and then you recently met usher and danced with him you manifested usher by i did yeah i did meet usher and have a moment with him um no i uh wait i don't understand i got it bad what he sings the song uh uh you got it what does that mean though what's in that in reference to i because you had it bad for this guy and then you met usher that was my connection it's early that's a it's early and you got it bad too apparently yeah hey thanks for calling in pete uh you're so sweet to mention to name drop for me though i always appreciate when people mention celebrities that i've danced

with um no i dance with you were on howard stern yeah right dance with oh right like can yeah yeah yeah oh i see what you're saying yeah oh man you got a good brother yeah you got a good brother like um the other guy no pete and i the other night saw each other at ben glebe's party and we are uh can we talk about yeah we can talk about stuff we're both going through uh heartbreak yeah i would say break uh recent heartbreak yeah and uh mine you know my mom the other day goes i feel so bad for pete and i go because of his breakup and she was like yeah and i go feel bad for me where's the sympathy for i'm going through a heartbreak too and she goes well they were to go there so long and I go I don't care like I go I was I was in love for three weeks and I know that seems like you can't compare but I honestly I think it could be just the same the

way I felt about you being in love with you for four days is I'm the worst pain of my life the of us breaking up and i i think it is comparable to something longer i'm maybe i'm being uh you know maybe i'm yeah i mean it's it's kind of like usher you know um pretty much oh god this is why we didn't work out he tied everything back to us and this is the thing usher was even big back when Pete and I got together. It's like, it's been a constant problem in our relationship. Yeah. It's you. No, but I,

I made your vagina a gusher. I mean, that's not wrong. No, but I do think the way you, I do think the way you went through recently is worse than what, like what I'm going through. Because like,

you know, when you're in like a passionate love, that's like, like the flame is burning so hot and then the heartbreak happens. That's way different than, I mean, Jamie and I, like we,

we basically have been kind of slowly titration breaking up for the last year. Like we almost broke up before covid and then we decided to like stick it out for the pandemic and you know and that was it like honestly she's a great person i'm so happy that i was able to get through a pandemic like like a global pandemic with her but um you know like like when we finally split it was kind of like okay so like we're we're done right like it's uh we're friends and it was oh yeah titration what a good word to use because it is like you weaned yourself off so by the end

it was already you every day you did a little bit less and so you weren't going through the withdrawal that you would go through if you quit your zoloft out of the blue oh yeah like doing heroin twice and then never getting it and then zoloft 50 milligrams the blue. Oh, yeah. It's like doing heroin twice and then never getting it and then Zoloft 50 milligrams, 25 milligrams. You're so right. Thank you for validating that my pain is worse than yours, Pete. Yeah. And no, that is the thing.

It's like I did a drug. That's what happened with you. I mean, if our listeners want to catch up on the story of me and Pete Lee, it happened in April of 2006. And we met in Kansas City. I was doing a guest set, which is just like a five minute set on the local show at the Kansas City Improv.

Pete was in town opening, middle acting for the headliner, Harland Williams. I was just doing a guest set. I went backstage before my set just to like be in the green room. And I turned a corner and I walked in and I saw Pete Lee with a plate. Oh, I had already seen you on stage, I think.

Yeah, at that point I saw you on stage. Yeah, I was having a post set, like a post crushing salad. I was like rewarding myself with salad. Yeah, you had crushed and I was like, that guy's cute. Wow, wild, Pete. And I saw him him he had the plate up to his mouth yeah he goes hard cucumbers yeah you're crazy so pleasant it's like motley crew stories over here yeah i had like a like a kale salad with chicken no i don't you have some

paul newman on there oh i really did i went crazy sorry he had like a lot of Newman on there? Oh I really did I went crazy He had like a lot of pepper on there It was crazy the amount of pepper I was like oh my god he's a bad boy But I just remember For me at least it was love at first sight He's nothing like his stage persona

No on stage he was The funny thing is He's Mr. Salad Well at the time though So he killed and then i'm doing the second show so i go backstage after he's back there and i turn the corner i walk in the green i'll never forget the chair you were sitting in everything you were eating a salad and you were like like kind of scraping the last parts and and you just like stopped it we were just like hi and it was like it i felt love at first sight and it was a done deal and then the second set

you dropped during your set that you had a girlfriend i was like oh and then you had a joke where you're like but i cheat on her on wednesdays and it was like a wednesday and i was like yes i like i so you'll stay on your diet of a salad but you'll eat pussy eat someone else's it was just a joke that i go loud and clear pete i remember i saw you on myspace you were one of like the the friend of a friend or like suggested you're a friend suggestion on myspace and i clicked on your profile like earlier that day and i was like man she is like she is so cute like there was just something about you i was like, man, she is like, she is so cute. Like there was just something about you. I was like, I was like, I need to know her. But then I couldn't. You were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's you going through my photos. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That was my MySpace blog song too. I was like, I'm in the mood. Oh my God. So you're like, I got to meet this girl. Yeah.

You just made me laugh so hard that I can't even speak right now. This is great. This feels so good. No, but I was like- If it prevents you from another Usher mention, I'm going to keep trying to make you laugh so that you take a breath before you mention him again. Yeah, just have the thought of maybe I shouldn't do this joke. Have a pause before you

bring up an usher reference no continue keep telling me how fantastic i am but i remember i couldn't friend you because you were so cute that it would have been creepy like you know what i mean like and you had a girlfriend i had a girlfriend and i like i didn't want to creep and then you walked into the green room and i was just like it was like literally you clicked hard on me i clicked hard on you in the green room it was like like you know in movies or like in Wayne's World when Dreamweaver would come on when he would see that girl

like that was what it was like when you walked into the green room and it was like that for me too and it was crazy it was when you said that on stage I was just like okay and I was not the type of girl to pursue I mean I lost my virginity to a guy with a girlfriend I mean I like guys with girlfriends sometimes

because I'm like scared of intimacy and especially if they're like I was young and they're throwing their girlfriend under the bus on stage like I'm like this is a done deal like he's not married you know and maybe that's scoundrelly of me but I was just like I don't

I almost didn't want someone who was available to me and uh and so i uh we hung out that night and then the flirting was on and i think that then it was all weekend i did a guest set on every single show and we fell in love and i think and then we did not have sex i can't believe i didn't have sex with you sooner yeah we had to say goodbye on sunday You had to go to a college in Iowa. This was Kansas. And then you were going to come back to Kansas City to fly out. And you went and did the show in Iowa. And then that night I was like, if you drive back tonight instead of tomorrow morning and you come to Lawrence, Kansas, I'll fuck you.

And all of a sudden I hear like vroom. He just like jumped on. He like hitched a ride on a semi truck. Jumped on the back of it. I heard he threw his salad. I did, yeah. He just goes, fuck this salad. His post-show college salad.

You know what the funny thing about that was? I remember I rented a PT Cruiser. And I remember actually like the noise. It was like, vroom! A Pete Lee Cruiser? Yeah. A Pete Lee Cruiser. Because they actually like the noise it was like a Pete Lee Cruiser? They made those like real loud like they were supposed to be some awesome like old school car and I remember

actually flooring it and going just like horned up headed to Lawrence and then you arrived in the middle of the night I remember I had a paper due the next day so I was like finishing this paper I had to write I finished it and then I like ran out to meet you it was in the rain in the rain what the hell we're like making out in finished it and then I like ran out to meet you it was in the rain in the rain remember in the rain we're like making out in the rain and then you

come inside and then we had sex and then I had my first orgasm where it was like what the fuck was that and then was like we were just like so in love and then I was like okay well you're going back to New York and you're gonna break up with your girlfriend that was the plan right

that was the that was the plan that that was totally the plan well the plan got a little derailed it got because the problem is he came he came i know after he came he's like you know um he cruised in that pt he didn't drive so fast yeah it really was one of those like bachelor situations where i felt like i was in love with two women at the same time and like i i was like on i knew you were yeah i was honestly crazy in love with you um i was in love with her there were some red flags uh i wound up doing exactly the right decision and marrying her uh getting divorced from her dude and you called me i said don't talk to me unless you are free like we said goodbye and i go no because we were talking at first and it was just like what's going on here like you sent me letters you said i

love you and like i still have some of those cards you sent me and i was like i can't talk to this guy anymore he's never gonna break up with her i have to like pull out. And so I go, no more. Tell me, let me know when you're single. And then you called me a month later. It was hell to not reach out to you. A month later, you called me on my birthday. And I was like, Pete, I was like, you're single. And you were like, no, I just, it's your birthday.

And I just wanted to say happy birthday. And you were, I was on TV the night before for the first time in my life. Last time standing. And you were like, you were amazing last night. And I was like, and? And you're like, and I can't. I'm sorry, Nikki.

I just can't. And I was just like, never, ever talk to me again. I never want to hear from you again. And you go, Nikki, you're saying really hurtful things right now. And I go, yeah. I think he goes, you're angry. So you're saying hurtful things. And I go, I am so mad I ever met you.

And I was was like and then we hung up and then i didn't talk to you for like 11 years you know you know what's crazy is that uh that oh we gotta get to news so no but what's crazy the um there was a bench in central park that i was sitting on and uh i was sitting on a bench too the last time that i went to new york like a week ago i actually ran past that bench and the bench literally like invoked like heartbreak emotions in me I'm like what was that like for you when you made that decision like did it make you more committed to the one that you chose like I and this is not don't don't sugarcoat it like did you how long before you like were not thinking about me a lot um i don't think i ever not thought about you

but like like i mean honestly no i mean i was staying in the game i think maybe you know i was an open mic or when you met me and then suddenly i was like i was starting to showed up and haunted you and i was honestly motivated by haunting you in your marriage when i found out you guys got married i was like i cannot believe wow but i marriage. When I found out you guys got married, I was like, I cannot believe. But I did know that she found out about me. And I thought, OK, as long as they have worked through the dishonesty that happened, then I'm happy. There's a part of me that was like, at least he was honest with her and she found out. Yeah, that was her pitch.

And when we went to dinner that night, that was her pitch. She was like, look, I know something's going on with you and Nikki Glaser. I don't want to know the exact details but you need to choose and i remember thinking that was this is kind of cool she seems really cool right now i think i'm going to choose her and um and so i chose the problem so i chose her and then yeah and then she was like but you can't like you can't keep a friendship with her which was like in it to her like in hindsight like that's reasonable but oh yeah i mean like it wasn't keep a friendship with her which is like in it to her like in hindsight like that's reasonable but oh yeah i mean like it wasn't even on the table for you to be honest it wasn't even

yeah it wasn't until now yeah well you wouldn't have a netflix special if he never ate you out so well so honestly i'm so grateful that it happened because we saw each other the other night we're gonna get to the news we saw each other at ben glebes the other night and it was and news. We saw each other at Ben Gleib's the other night and it was, and you're right, I wouldn't have a Netflix special. It started my obsession with like orgasming and like how to recreate that in my own life. And I think you probably did suck my clit and that was like the crux of what I did.

I think that's what you did, right? That's how it had to have been. I didn't even know what you did, but no one did it ever again. I, yeah, I mean, I like, I've fantasized about that moment like in my life before it was so hot it was so funny that because but talk about when i saw your bends it was so sweet wait what were you gonna say well because you were talking about like

did i ever think about you yeah i thought about you because i had to ride the subway with my ex wife while that was skinned in your face for Nikki and Sarah. Literally like we were sitting, like going to a party and she just like elbowed me. And she's like, I know this is really awkward and awful for you. And I was like, I was like,

yeah, it's, it's kind of hard. And like, I would go down, I would take the train to best week ever, like every single day to go to work. And then you would be, the train car would be skinned with your face

so like i hated you so much and then i saw you at best week ever hi pete remember hi pete yeah it was the first time i ever spoke to you we were in the same we were getting our makeup done he was getting makeup done for best week ever i was for nicki and sarah's a sketch we were shooting in the office because our offices shot where they shot best week ever and we had to be in the same makeup room and i'm like i cannot believe i'm in a fucking makeup room with pete lee nine years after eight years after i said i'm never speaking to you again and um i loved you so much and i and i just you walked out of the room and i just go hi pete and no no i walked out of the room and then you said that your makeup artist was like whoa like had to shake off

the vibes that were in the room that i was shooting at you yeah it was like it was like whoa like had to shake off the vibes that were in the room that i was shooting at you yeah it was like it was like intense like the the makeup artist was like that was thick like like just like like i was just in in like a movie like it was like like love and hate and like all this stuff yeah like. Like an Usher song. It really... These are his confessions. Okay, we got to get to the news and sorry for taking so long to get there, but this is a special day

because we have Pete Lee, his Showtime special, Tall, Dark, and Pleasant. He's so fucking funny. It's coming out on Showtime July 9th, so make sure you check that out and follow Pete Lee

at Pete Lee, Pete Lee, Pete Lee on Instagram. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy. I hope you're having a great time out there having all the swells. I know me,

Pete and Nikki and Noah are no jerky Pete. No jerky. Okay. No jerky. Oh, I see what you're doing there. No jerky Lee. No jerky. No jerky Pete. Sure. doing there. No Drewky Lee. No Drewky.

No Drewky Pete. Sure. How would it go? P No Drew. No Drewky Pete. Yeah, I don't know. Just keep going. Are you guys speaking Klingon?

We combine all of our names. It's a new Usher album that we're trying to remember. He's doing some experimental stuff. Okay, wait. No, a fan combined our names, a Nodruki, and then I tried to add you into it, but I did a horrible job.

Nodruki Lee. Nodruki. By the way, is this behind you? Are you in a hotel, Andrew, or is this your bedroom? Do you have a fashionable, old-style, old-timey lamp in your bedroom?

He is definitely at the Bowery Hotel. Oh, okay. Pete, in my room I don't even have a light. He has a lamp in the corner of the room that has no shade on it that is surrounded by piles of dirty sheets. In the four corners of Andrew's room. Sounds like I'm getting shade.

I give you enough. I get enough shade. I don't need any more. The four corners of Andrew's bedroom have different piles of laundry and things. It's ironic that you pointed out a lamp that is definitely not Andrew's. What's the first headline? It's unbelievable. A woman who thought she had $20 in her bank account finds that she has $1 billion has been deposited

in her bank account. She was spooked by it and no one from Chase is returning her calls to return it. I mean, what would you do? Would you call? I wouldn't call the bank. I would take as much money until going, oh, you know that game?

No, because you're going to owe it back. It's not yours. They're going to catch the glitch and then you're going to owe it back it's not yours they're gonna catch the glitch and then you're gonna owe it back i i don't see why you would do that that's i would think that would be the foolish thing to do pete what would you do uh i would take as much of it out and then i'd flee the country just like andrew said but like you gotta also understand like like jp morgan chase was the people that funded the nazis so like, they're going to find you like, they're going to find you somewhere on the globe. So I would have as much fun as I could until they find me.

$1 billion. I, I would buy the Anne Frank freaking museum and then hide and hide out in. Yeah. They would never find me. Yeah. No, I,

yeah. I mean, it's hard to take out $900 million. I don't know how you would take that out in cash. I guess I would take out like $4 million and not get crazy. And then be like, oh my God, someone put $996 million in here. Can you believe it? It's not like they can't pull up and see that $4 million had been taken out at some point.

They see transactions. Look, that's a finder's fee. That's a finder's fee i'm just saying she went for finding this billion dollars i love how poor she was that's like the saddest part of the story i know that is so vulnerable i wouldn't admit that i wouldn't tell anyone that part um no that's uh what would you do i want i want this girl to i want to start a go fund me so we can give her a couple bucks for uh being an honest person you know when homeless people return money and they get more people like pitch in more money because they did the right thing i feel like we should do that for her but i don't what's her venmo

uh i think she's too old to even have them though oh really she's an older lady what a sweetie I don't even know how many zeros a billion is I think I would be confused by the amount of zeros oh yeah she's an older lady oh my god she thought she had $20 what does that woman spend why does she only have $20

but she's from Florida she just thought she had $20 in a bank account wow I always see like an old rich woman like that and think she just thought she had $20 in a bank account. Wow. Is that mom, Andrew? I always see an old rich woman like that and think she has at least $500,000. You know what I mean? She had nice earrings.

She had lipstick. That lady had $20. What is she doing? I know. I don't know. I mean, it's wild. It's wild out there, Pete. Will you pull up the picture of her again

because uh it i've met this woman i haven't met this woman before but i've met this woman before and that lady fucks like she she's the kind of lady that comes up to you after the show and she's like stroking my like my forearm for a little too long yeah you. And being like, you are just wonderful. Do you want to go? Yeah, she's an older woman, probably in her 60s, blonde hair, blue nails, crazy like big bobble earrings like Leslie Stahl wears on 60 Minutes. Pete, I know what you're saying.

Do you get a lot of women touching you after shows and like making you feel uncomfortable? Because we always hear the stories of it happening to women but do you get that yeah and it is uncomfortable I mean for me for a couple reasons like like number one

a lot of times like back when I was in my relationship like she would be there and she'd be like standing sort of near the merch table and then women would be like grabbing my ass or like they'd grab my dick or like whatever in a picture like haha we're a bachelorette party we're gonna grab the comedian's dick and i'll be like no you can't and then they like women's egos can't handle when a guy doesn't want his dick grabbed like immediately it goes to like what are you gay like right right away they

could be like the most woke and evolved hipster girls and then when you don't want your dick grabbed they're like whatever you queer yeah and it's it's weird i found that like when you want to have sex with a guy and he's like no you go what you have to like like if i'm willing you must be and of course i'm saying that uh facetiously but you there is a thing of like but men always want to fuck they always want to have everything be sexualized you don't the rejection is so crazy and um get the fuck off men women don't touch men men don't touch other men remember when i yelled at some guy for like manhandling you was that you pete i think so when i like yelled at that guy a guy manhandled you yeah like this guy just you could tell wanted to touch someone he hasn't been touching in a while.

He's going through a divorce. And he like was using the fact that he could hug Pete and like really get in there to just get, he might be a little bi. Who even knows, you know? He just wanted to touch Pete. And it was like uncomfortable. It was too long. And I go, don't touch it. I go, get off it.

What are you doing? Like if this guy would have done this to a girl and it wasn't even sexual you know it's just a really intense hug from behind while we're eating dinner and i just go get off of him that's too long and it was uncomfortable and i regret doing it because you can stand up for yourself but i was just like i don't want to see this any kind of just get off people unless they're asking for you to touch them get the fuck off them get the fuck off i I was in Madison, Wisconsin a few weeks ago, and it was like the first meet and greet that I had done in COVID. Like I'm vaccinated.

Most of the people in the club were vaccinated. And this lady was there in the front row with her husband. And like the whole time she's like taking pictures of me. And like I could tell that she was like a super fan. And like she it's great. We need those. Right. But after the show, she was just like all over me at my merch

table there's a line of people you shouldn't have done the joke about cheating on a saturday night on a saturday night it was the specific day oh yeah that's my um but uh anyway like her husband is just like the most tolerant human being on the planet you can tell that like this guy like he meditates or something but because he was just like she does this i'm i'm gonna just breathe i'm not gonna get mad this is her hall pass i made it i agreed when i married her that if she ever got to meet pete lee she would shoot her shot this is what it is and and mine is kathy ireland and i really picked wrong because i don't know where to find her she's not coming to madison anytime soon she must be near the calendar

factory who makes calendars that's what she just hangs out in the 19 early 1990s calendar factories they're coming back but i just tried to like tend to the husband as much as i could i was like like she would be like literally glommed on me oh you blow the husband to make sure to not go near well i yeah i just was sucking that clit i was sucking that clit i was literally just mouthing him i'm like dude i'm so sorry and he's like i he's like it's okay it's okay it's so funny yeah you have to placate the guy that you're making uncomfortable but that's you know i say that happens a lot when in meet and greets i'll have a guy like casually grab my ass in a way that's like oh i just hit it accidentally which

my butt is not big enough that you accidentally hit it you have to like go in to get it yeah it's like narnia it's concave and he uh and but there's always a wife there and i and people go why don't you tell him and it's like because it'll be a whole thing with the wife like it's too he'll deny it it's like it's too much of a hassle that i'm taking care of her needs and it's just like but i will say if i had a boyfriend and i was watching him do a meet and greet and there were women that were trying to like obviously wanted to fuck him I mean that's I would be so into that I would not be a jealous girlfriend I'd be like like nice try ladies he's coming back to my green room and uh or you know he's coming back with me and he's gonna eat all the salad he's

gonna toss my salad later on tonight his post-show salad is changed into my asshole we still use hidden valley though do you think you know that's the new thing is a an upside down pineapple means you're a swinger have you heard about this people are shopping if you go to like trader joe's and someone has an upside down pineapple they're gonna want to fuck in their basket like a couple swap yeah in their basket yeah it's kind of hot okay what if you just like are a person that just throws things in your basket and like all of a sudden you have to you gotta fuck someone's husband yeah no i'm just like not good i don't yeah you gotta i'm dyslexic with fruit. Nope. You got to throw your keys in a bowl.

That's what you got to do. You got to swap. What's the next story, Andrew? Did that husband like you when you were hugging his wife or no? How did that end? He was cool. Was it weird? He was cool to me, but I like there were probably like at least like six touch points where

I was like just being like, sorry, dude. Well, this is sorry. This is Pete Lee. People pleaser taking care of other people, worrying about the husband that you have nothing to do with. It's not your job to make him feel safe. It's her job, and she failed. But that's classic Pete Lee, which we'll get into later

when we talk to him about his special tall, dark, and pleasant. All right, next headline. A Norwegian public broadcaster released a guide of different positions for all couples with black and white photos and interesting names like the Clamping Koala, the Farts Dumping, a.k.a. the Speed Dump, and the Standing Mouthful. Let's take a look at more. Okay, so these are new positions? Apparently. Apparently.

I like the flamingo. It's a girl on a stool. You could do that on stage. So it's like a stand-up stool. And then one person is standing next to you. The girl on the stool literally looks like my best friend, Catherine. Like 100% like my best friend, Catherine. And that looks like me next to her.

It really does. I'm going to send that to Catherine. Look at this move. Have you ever done this move? That one's great. Okay. It's does. I'm going to send that to Catherine. Look at this move. Have you ever done this move? That one's great. Okay, it's a man that is us. They're both standing. The woman's, she's standing on one leg.

The guy's on both. She's putting her other leg over his shoulder as she's standing. So she's almost doing like a split thing. That is hot. I love that. And you know what I like about that? She's not doing a lot of work there. She's bendy, but she's not having to like support herself.

He's carrying her. And I like to do no work. It helps that of work there she's bendy but she's not having to like support herself he's carrying her and I like to do it helps that you're shorter in that instance as a man because that leg is goes all the way up on the shoulder I don't know if I could fuck that way I know you you have to be law long-legged you have to be tall for that to happen that's a good one for me to be honest with you I

never even thought of that what's the next one it looks like you and Pete a little bit there we are again that was literally what we did that night that's the next one? It looks like you and Pete a little bit. Pete, there we are again. That was literally what we did that night. That's why we couldn't stop thinking about each other. Keep going down. I'm like, okay, I hate Froskid. Froskid, the girl looks like she's squatting, taking a dump.

They're on a bed, and the guy is behind her kneeling, and he just looks like he's supporting her as she's taking a dump like from behind like being like you can do it babe I know it's hard to shit in the woods like she can't not laugh at this like look at her yeah they're laughing in this photo too that guy looks like me oh my these two just look like they're

mourning the loss of a dog they just buried or something this is like froskin is like Ikea language for homosexual is like froskin is like ikea language for homosexual like like over froskin oh god he's such a froskin you're a yeah um yeah what does froskin sit oh it's the frog froskin is the frog so uh yeah these are all erotic and like actually like the funny thing is you don't even think about some of these there's only so many ways two bodies can fit together.

And it's like, haven't we come up with all of them? How are there new ones? All right, next story. Do you guys like to do all sorts of different positions like that? Or do you kind of have like four go-tos? Four go-tos. Yeah. To be honest, one go-to.

I've been doing more. I've been doing more lately. I didn't realize I had it in me. Really? Yeah. You know, some things, you know, yeah what what was your favorite position oh no you like the missionary you like laying there and then no i like being tied up right oh yeah well it's pretty much pete what's yours what is your uh repertoire this is so boring but like i like missionary because you really get to connect like i agreed

i like it's the best for sex where you're making love because it's like you're whenever a guy is like somewhere else or like behind me or something i'm like but i want to see your face like i need to kiss what i'm coming yeah i like need to kiss like i cannot if they're like somewhere else i'm just like come back up like it's like i want like emotional support connection like oh yeah so i i agree with you god that's just a little intense though don't you think when you're looking at each other in the eyes and you're like yeah it's called love and you gotta go for it i i know it's it is too intense it's crazy it sounds like you haven't felt it yet and i'm kind of sad for you but But you'll get there, buddy. You'll get there. Next story.

Why do I care? Why do I care? All right. Why do you care, Nick? Avril Lavigne joins forces with Tony Hawk as she makes her TikTok debut with a silly Sk8er Boi bit. You got sent this picture because it looks like your dad. Yeah.

This really does look like my dad tony hawk and um avril lavigne i showed it to my mom and she was like whoa that does look like your dad that's crazy whoa good job no she does side by side will you please put this on our instagram the side by side that's wild they do look alike uh yeah and tony hawk's a tall guy i didn't watch the skater boy. I didn't watch the TikTok. I saw it everywhere yesterday. It's so funny when you just are like,

I can't be bothered to watch this 30-second thing. I hate TikToks because you can't scroll ahead. Does anyone else get bothered by that? Like they're too long, even though they're fucking 30 seconds long? Yeah, I did watch the TikTok, and it's literally painful because she dropped. He has this like lime green mini ramp and she drops in on it, but she's not wearing

knee pads and she just like slams right onto her knees where like it's like she broke a bone and then she like gets up laughing because she's at Tony Hawk's house and she's got all sorts of adrenaline that she's getting this TikTok tock shot and then she drops in again she makes it and then almost falls again just as hard but like the whole time i can't take joy in the fact that tony hawk and avril lavina together because her leg is broken like she's she's she died leg first that day and i can't even handle it because you are like a you were a skater i yeah i was i was a skater boy i said see you later boy i i did yeah in april of 2006 you did um yeah you someone the other night was like oh jeff die was talking about you the other night and being like it turns out he's

like an olympic like water sports dude like this guy he could kill you with his thumb you're like a jiu-jitsu like you're like uh tell us your accomplishments i have a black belt in taekwondo and then i kicked i was a champion kickboxer i'm a national champion water skier i have two world records one in uh the most people on the water for a pyramid the other one for uh world record bombouts which is barefooting um i was i really think only one of those is your record yeah the first one it seems like you're a part of a group i was a big pretty large group it was an ensemble it was an ensemble yeah i was driving the boat that's a lot to tow you know come on i had to do this with my wrist it was crazy wait how many people were in this pyramid?

What part of the pyramid were you? You were a base. I was a base in the pyramid. There were 52 people on the water for it. So like 52 people behind one boat. And I was one of the bases of it. Whoa. Yeah.

And then bomb outs are where you jump out of two skis and you go barefooting. And the previous world record was two behind one boat. Then we set the world record for four. Then we it for eight and then we did 16 so uh and like my friend tony reichels i don't know if i should say his name but he literally got paralyzed and lost his football scholarship because this thing was so dangerous because of bombing out because of bombing out yeah because uh what do you do with andrew andrew has a record for bombing out. Yeah, because... What do you do with bombing out? Andrew has a record for bombing out. I know. Look, it was only 15 times.

Oh, wait, wait. It was at the Toledo Funny Bone. Oh, yeah, sorry. No, Andrew doesn't bomb. That was a joke that I could make only because Andrew does not bomb. Andrew kills... Yeah, that's like if somebody That was a joke that I could make only because Andrew does not bomb. Andrew kills. Yeah, that's like if somebody's got a really cute nose, you're going to be like, you have a fucked up nose.

Wait, so this guy's not really paralyzed then? No, this dude was paralyzed because if you barefoot, you're falling at 55 miles an hour and the water's like concrete. So if you face plant and your legs go back, you just break your spine. Why is the water like concrete? What are you talking about? Because you're going so fast.

You're going so fast that the water's hard. Oh, it gives it the, okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Why are you a comedian? Yeah, why am I a comedian?

Why are you good at all these things? You just took a- Because none of those things make money. That's a good point. Yeah. And I also like I mean, you know me well enough to know that like I really don't have anxiety about physical danger, but I do have I have social anxiety and I'm on Zoloft just like Andrew clap.

Yeah. High five. I have social anxiety. And so stand up scared the shit out of me like all those physical sports stuff like it didn't really like things that scare you and give you an adrenaline rush when you do them yeah and that's you have more of adrenaline rush doing comedy I agree we got to get to today's segment on Wednesday's show we're doing a special one with Pete Lee we chose a segment called the blankest Thing and that is where we

pick a word and we have to share a story of the blankest thing we've ever done or ever seen or whatever. And today's, in honor of Pete Lee, today's blankest thing, what is the fill in the blank, Noah, in honor of Pete? In honor of Pete,

the most people-pleasing thing I've ever done. The people pleasingasing thing I've ever done the people-pleasingest thing you've ever done because Pete yeah that's I mean that's a big part of who you are is pleasing people it's like yeah I mean I it's my my weakness in life it's what I do I mean uh I could I'm gonna make a little list and then I'm gonna get to one that I think is really great. Every handshake in covid like, you know, when like somebody comes up and they're obviously a Republican and they were like, shake my I'm still shaking hands. Yeah. And their nose is hanging out their mask and all that shit. Yeah. Every single one of those. If I if I start an Instagram story series like I start and it's going like I have to watch the whole thing. Like I remember one time

you're scared that they might think you're bored with them yeah or just like I I know that the algorithm would would be like okay maybe like I know it helps their algorithm you don't want to make the algorithm mad yeah I literally want to people please the Instagram algorithm that just seems like OCD is more than people pleasing I understand watching someone's story because you don't want them to see you drop off and think that you're mad at them because their story wasn't good. I sometimes need to let people know, like you do not deserve me to,

you need to know that this is where you lost me. Yeah. And like do better. That's what like literally you're the, you're the honest, you're like the photo negative of how I feel about it. You'll be like, yeah,

I'll watch your guy's story and just fall off after one. And I'm like, Oh, I can't do that. Like, no, you need to send a message. I'm not, sometimes I do that manip. You'll be like, yeah, I'll watch a guy's story and just fall off after one. And I'm like, oh, I can't do that. Like, no, you need to send a message. I'm not, sometimes I do that manipulatively to be like, I don't care about you, boy. I like and think about too much.

But if someone's stories suck, I will fall off with no problem because that happens to me with my friends. And I go, okay, that's where I was. You got, don't go that far. You know, like you gotta, you get information when people are honest with you yeah and um yeah it's it's one of the my least favorite things about uh myself and others is the people pleasing and is it something that you you're trying to stop or do you um is it

something that you can't it's something that i try to stop and i i actively on a daily basis have to go no like I like I Pete don't do that or I have to decide that in the moment when I'm agreeing to something that like I'm agreeing to do this because I want to do it not because I'm people pleasing like an example of it today would be you know last night Noah was like hey we're going to podcast at 8 20 a.m. and my brain was like it. I don't want to wake up really early and podcast like it's morning radio. And then I was like, no, this is great. I'm going to get to connect with you guys. Uh, like this is for me, like we're going to be able to plug. I'm so sorry I was late. And then you just woke up and sat around. I'm really sorry, Pete. But I honestly, I went to, I have this neighbor, Jack.

Uh, he's, uh, this old pro surfer that lives right behind me. And we went to the point and had coffee together. It was like, okay, good. okay good so like it wasn't it wasn't bad at all and are you people pleasing are you being honest with me that it wasn't annoying that i was late because i can take it there was a second where i was like motherfucker i woke up at 7 30 and then i went and had coffee with jack and it was fine like but okay well that's nice but like what's the truth there like is the truth that like that like i was super put out and the worst thing in the world is to wake up at 7 30 you know like and i or is the truth like ah i woke up a little early um you guys were running behind i got to go

have coffee with jack and like now we're having fun and everything's great so it's like right i've been reading this book called how to do the work. And, um, one of the things in there is like, like with people pleasing, there's like an, there's like an ego statement where you can be like, I'm the victim. This is really bad. Uh, like the whole world is against me and that's why I'm doing this. Or you can think about what you're doing for yourself in that moment of like like why saying yes to that is a good thing and then yeah why this will why you're doing it i do that all the time the other day i was doing a thing that i was like why the fuck did i agree this my day is so long i'm not making money from this this project isn't going to be something that i even want to be on like necessarily be on

i was doing i don't know how i got sucked it like i was just it when he i got asked i was in like a state of like yes or something and then it got to it and I go I'm doing it because I'm helping out a friend I'm doing something that is beneath me I don't have time for but I'm doing it because I want to be of service to a friend that needs if I support him on this thing it might better his life because he asked me to it was just like oh I'm doing this to get outside my to do something for someone else that is nothing i'm not doing it for me for someone else and it was like okay suddenly this thing that i resent is like a good deed yeah um and i can live with it a little bit easier yeah resent it less are you talking about ben's party that you hosted ben's party

no that that also was like i was mad because i was like I didn't even have to go to this party that early. I thought I was co-hosting. That just meant I was paying for it. I didn't need to be there. I was paying for a lot of it so I could have showed up whenever. But then I go, because I got there early, I got to talk to Jeremiah Watkins. I got to talk to James Adomian. I got to like, all these things happened and I just accepted it.

But people pleasing, I got to be honest, it's one of the most least attractive qualities in friends and uh potential partners when i see it happening because especially with boyfriends because you get comfortable enough in a relationship sometimes that your boyfriend will not care about people pleasing you anymore like that's how they got you and you're like oh my god i love this and then they get comfortable enough that they just do it to everyone else they take care of everyone else in a way that's like is she is this the valet your girlfriend like why do you have to take care of his needs i'm mad at you right now but you're being nice to the valet in a way that's like the you know or the waiter it's like and that's i start to resent it because i go it wasn't even

sincere when it was happening to me because this person does it everywhere and and it's honestly it means you have low self-esteem because why you're doing it is not because you want to put good out in the world and make everyone happy maybe that's a little bit you want them to think well of you yeah you want them to like you because you don't have enough self-esteem so you need to get your esteem from the fact that other people like you and if you had self-esteem it doesn't mean you go through life and you don't do anything for anyone else. You do esteemable acts for people to be a good person and put good out in the planet, but it's not motivated by, I hope they like me. Yeah. I mean, you're right. And I'm actively trying to work on that literally every day. And it sucks because there are so many

times where just the game slows down for me on a daily basis where it would be quick for other people where they would just go, no, I don't want to do that. And I'm not going to do that. And I have to, like, take a breath and think about what I want to do and then give the answer. And then do an usher joke. And do an usher joke. That kind of falls flat. Yeah. And even if it fell flat, we're here for you.

Yeah. We're not going to leave you pete and there's a book called the courage to be disliked that i think you might like because it's wrapped around in that it takes courage to be disliked which is something you like it it makes you uncomfortable the same way stand-up does like maybe go into that fear of like maybe someone i don't like might not like me because that's the thing when i see people pleasing other people where I go you don't even like that person why do you care if they like you like and I did that the other night like there's a comedian I do not like and I like hugged him because I hate him so much I didn't want him to know I hated him so I went the opposite way and I go why am I hugging this person so that was my recent like the most people pleasing thing I did but for me my most people-pleasing thing is having sex with someone who um in the

middle of it I just like don't want it to be happening but this person I'm in a relationship with or whatever kind of relationship and it's time to have sex that's the point and and I was kind of into it at first and now it's happening and I like do not want this person in me I don't want to be with them and and this happens during dinners too if I go to a dinner with someone I'm like a first date where I'm like I sit down I'm like I'm not into this guy this person is like getting my attention and my time and I don't want to be here but I'm staying because I'm too scared to be rude and it feels like I'm raping myself it honestly is like such a betrayal to myself that it fills me with such self-loathing and hatred

to abandon myself that way so that's what when I don't stop sexual encounters or sexual things from happening while they're happening even though it was consensual and everything the second I don't enjoy it and I keep letting it happen I just that's the most people-pleasing thing but it's so hard to tell a person I we have to stop having sex I don't I am disgusted by you right now. I mean, like, what do you say? It's very hard. Yeah. I mean, that seems like an extremely important one,

but I'll tell you, I, so many people are listening right now that knows men and women who know exactly what I'm talking about in the middle of it. You're just like, no. And you just go through with it because you already started. And the thing is, you don't,

I've told a man to get out of me and it ended our relationship, but it was, it needed to be ended. And it was really awkward, but I was like, I just, you don't i've told a man to get out of me and it ended our relationship but it was it needed to be ended and it was really awkward but i was like i just i i don't want this and you need to get out of me right now like right now it has to end or it's going to start feeling like i'm i'm raping myself with you yeah pete what is your most people-pleasing thing um right i mean it's kind of something that's going on in my life right now. And I do think just like I said before, there's things that benefit me. And then there's a way that I'm people losing. So I am recently single, but I'm keeping the parrot, which is her parrot. And in the relationship, she wanted to get a parrot like she wanted to get a parrot, like a brand new parrot. And I was like, you have a parrot down she wanted to get a parrot like a brand new parrot and i was like

you have a parrot down in muscle shoals alabama so i went down and i rescued this parrot who was dying because she's plucking her feathers out because she was lonely and i but and i brought and i brought her up to california and i knew that when i brought her up here that I was making a decision that she's she's my responsibility. Like like I like this is technically my ex's bird, but she's my responsibility. And it all started with me going, I don't want to get a bird like I do. I do not want to get a bird. I don't want to have a pet. I don't want to have that responsibility. But as soon as I made the decision that I was going to get this bird, I knew that it was on me. So now we're broken up. I'm keeping the bird and this bird is going to live to be 90 years old. So like,

I'm going to have to make a will for this bird. And like I, so I would say that this is like an example of, of like, I people pleased initially in this situation your girlfriend a thing that would make her feel better and that she wanted yeah and now you've decided to do something for yourself by keeping the bird yeah uh and the bird is so awesome like this bird uh she learns words and whatever dialect or voice that she learns what kind of bird is it she's an african gray parrot oh wow those are the most talky ones. Yeah. She wakes me up.

Do you guys want to go see her? I'd have to unplug. I'm obsessed with birds. Yeah. Can I, as you know, can I take you in there to see her? I'll have to unplug the good sound and it'll be just my computer.

You don't even have to ask. Just do it, Pete. All right. Can you hear me? Just show the damn bird. Take us on a little trip. I really, I'm obsessed with parrots.

I forgot you had one. I would have come visit you and hung out with you so much sooner. Yeah. Come to the house, Nikki. I live on the fucking ocean. You keep asking me and I say no, cause I'm not trying to people please.

And I just, Oh, hello. She's so cute. Her. Did you get her Rogaine? What's going on? Why?

Her feathers are coming back. Yeah. So her feathers were all plucked out and now they're coming back they're coming back um what's her name alex hi alex yeah oh you're a cutie booty you make a new friend oh yeah oh shit oh god damn it i love her yeah she's absolutely amazing so nikki she wakes me up every single morning but in my voice going hi hello hi hi hi as soon as this no wonder your girlfriend didn't want your ex-girlfriend didn't want it yeah right she has to wake up to you every morning the rest of her life yeah with my fucking c-pap uh yeah oh yeah does that's so this window that looks out Into like onto this palm tree

And the pool area And so as soon as The sun comes up And she sees it through the curtains She wants me to open up the curtains Do you put a blanket over her cage? That was she She doesn't like that anytime her cage is covered

She like she literally freaks out And it sounds like like a cage she bite like if i come over can i hold her and she won't rip off my finger um she um she won't bite you if i get her out of the cage first like okay but she'll um she she's like a real sweetie um uh i'm obsessed with parrots yeah alex Alex is like, she's like the best, best bird. And so like, this is an example of, of like, I totally people pleased in the beginning,

but now like, I love her and she's like my best friend. She's the best. Andrew, what about you? What is your most people pleasing moment? Pretending like you were interested in Pete's bird. That's definitely top five for sure.

Yeah. I really, wow. That bird's cool, dude. Yeah. I love parents. I want to get one so bad.

This is my living room and like literally open, like all these open up and it becomes a deck and then it looks out on the ocean. It's great. Well, that'd be great if our podcast was video. It's not. a lot of this a lot of this podcast has been visual we're like explaining frog skin the bird i was trying to explain the

sexual positions because i'm a radio professional you did a good job i couldn't do it uh andrew what's your most people pleasing i the most like when i look back just like the moments when i would be at a comedy club hanging out and just being a fake person by hoping people would like me i just have so many like moments in my head of like being fake and being like oh wow you're so funny up there you're great oh my god wow and i put on this personality and i don't even know who this is i oh my god when that guy comes out i want to fucking oh well he hasn't come out in a long time but a lot of it no that guy comes out sometimes when you get like really excited about a new like a famous person or like a sports like it's like that that comes out i guess i'll just

agree with you i'll just agree with you right now no i i know exactly what you mean about like just sucking up to comics who might be able to i just it's so nice so much cooler before comedy like before like i when i wasn't trying to get anything i was cooler like i was just like but then again trying to get like laid back in the day and I guess you really weren't not really like you were trying to get guy friends and like have like the jocks like you and like you probably had that demeanor with them no I did but I never had these thoughts of like I hope this guy likes I never I feel like comedy brings that out in us where we're like i hope this guy who's better or has more followers likes me i don't think like oh this guy has more money i hope he likes i just

never really thought like that i really didn't i just kind of just went through life being a disaster and if you stuck on you're probably my good friend you know i mean like i just like did whatever the fuck i wanted in a way and if someone doesn't like you that's better than like if they don't care almost like if someone doesn't like you you should take that as like there's energy going into that but if they they don't even know most of the time you think someone doesn't like you they don't think about you at all and that's almost worse people are making a the same guy that's like hey like me like. The same guy is like cool and in the corner. It's a choice and it's the same kind of choice. Yeah.

And you actually tend, yeah, you get people to pay attention to you by being a complete asshole. But you also think like, who is myself? Isn't myself the person that wants people to like me? Like, so how do I be myself? You know, it's always kind of fraught. Final thought. Pete, you have a special coming out on showtime july 9th tall

dark and pleasant what kind of what kind of stuff are we gonna see in this special from you that we haven't before why are you exceptionally proud of this one because i mean if you haven't if you don't know pete lee he's uh killed on the tonight show how many times you done seven or six or seven six times yeah i've done it six times and like i i um i think people should watch this because it's literally like my greatest hits like the current like up until the special my favorite stuff that i was doing at that moment uh like the stuff that kills the hardest and i wasn't worried at all about having anything left in the tank like to tour with afterwards so i filmed it on February 25th.

Cause you weren't going on tour. I wasn't COVID. Yeah. I wasn't going on tour. Like I'm ready to burn it all. Just burn it all, burn it all down. And so like,

I'm really proud. And the parrot was tired of hearing it. Yeah. The parrot was like, she was like, um, it's your closer. Yeah.

Can I tell you one of my favorite things that she says? Sidebar. She sidebar she goes she goes ah shit it's so it's so funny um my one time my bird my parakeet kiwi uh when i was in high school he would just he would just go like and even do like sounds and one time we heard him go mom i hate my fucking middle name and we are we go why did he just say i mom i hate my fucking middle name in my voice because i don't hate my middle name i do i do scream like that at my mom probably sometime but we me and my friend huffy both heard it we go did he just say mom i hate my fucking middle name in the middle of a bunch of difference it was so funny i was like i guess i guess i've said that before oh i hate my fucking middle name that's such a long thing for

a bird this especially when everything else is just repeated like did he ever do another long sentence it was just like what it just came out and it was never repeated i love that no it was like we but i had a witness and my friend off he was like yes he said that um but this special uh yeah it's your greatest i mean pete is so hilarious you're going to love this special make sure you watch it uh Showtime, if you have that, and then it'll be on streaming. You'll be able to find it streaming, but July 9th is when it will air on Showtime. I'm assuming you're going out on the road. Yeah, I'm going out on the road. From basically February 26th until now, I've written a new hour. I literally felt like you

after you did Bangin, where you'd go on social media and be like, I have a new hour. I'm touring with it. And I remember thinking, like, that's impossible. How the fuck does she have a new hour already? And I have a new hour already. And it's like I've already been going out on the road. It's been killing. I've been tuning it up at clubs and you have it like beginning, middle and, you know, exactly the order and everything. Yeah. I mean, I'm I'm you know exactly the order and everything? Yeah. Jesus, Pete. You work in a different way than I do.

You must have been a skier at some point. I mean, I'm open. I'm still writing and I'm going to be replacing and getting things. Here's my test of a good bit is when you start going you start going into it and you go oh this three minutes is going to be easy like you know yes or you just go i'm just gonna put autopilot yeah yeah i don't have to work for this three minutes because this is going to be good and i just know it works it's just a safe space i don't have to think i yeah definitely cruise control love it yeah and i i gotta say like and i mean i don't

want to put down uh tall dark and pleasant um but uh that's this is gonna be again it's not visual it's not visual that's true all right yeah he's again he's showing us a picture on his phone it's like it's pete's first podcast everyone hang in there with him as we approach the end of the show he's just figuring out that you guys aren't all watching live on zoom like we're some like the fraser reunion for my script read through for our next segment how many fingers am i holding up wait i want everyone to guess at home seriously guess how many fingers holding up before we leave and if you get it right you're gonna have a great day okay one through five one through five one through before we leave. And if you get it right, you're going to have a great day. Okay.

One through five. One through five. One through five. Make a guess. And if you get it right, you're going to have a great day. The answer is a four. If you guess four, you're going to have a great day and all your dreams will come true today. And you like, it's going to happen.

If you didn't guess four, fucking drive carefully. Yeah. And if you think that was fun, watch Tall, Dark, and Pleasant on Showtime July 9th. Definitely watch it. Or just listen to it. Or just listen to it. Well, listen to it on mute,

and then listen to this podcast over it, and it will sync up perfectly. You play this backwards in slow motion, and it will sync up perfectly with Tall, Dark, and Pleasant. Mute it. Actually, play usher's album backwards and you'll hear pete's special uh pete lee thank you so much for being with us today uh and maybe i will come see your bird tonight i'm in town one more night um love having you on the podcast uh thank you noah thank you andrew so sorry i was late today i'm gonna go record the top of the show which you already heard uh isn't that weird um and we'll see you

tomorrow besties keep looking for fashion eggs and i love you so much thanks for listening to the show get your friends into it and uh yeah see you tomorrow for thursday's episode catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.