The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #56 Taking For Granite

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

Nikki is grateful to have a level headed friend like Whitney Cummings available to drop some wise words. Andrew is living it up in NYC spending time with a good friend and feeling anxious about Meek Mill's jewelry. Nikki shares a story about going to a place called The Rabbit Hole last night and enjoying getting out of her comfort zone. She's so comfortable that she shares a line of her poetry, Andrew writes one too. You heard it here first, they show their support for Britney Spears, Nikki admits to being a percentage of workaholics and Andrew's sports moment turns into a discussion about hot athletes. The Listener Mail segment is not poppy and in the Final Thought they send mixed messages to each other. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I've been this entire week and last week I believe um what a great week of shows again I'm like kind of bummed that there's gonna be a three-day wait for the next one I like that people feel the uh they they like get sad they get a little sad with me I'm I'm getting um feedback from listeners that like on Monday I have uh you know besties writing me being like i'm just waiting for it to drop like i can't i it's been all weekend and it's it's just so nice i need you guys that's so sweet and especially since we've extended the episodes yeah those are way longer than i know they're so long i like how we literally we've never even talked about it every time i just

stopped the recording on my end i'm like an hour and 23 minutes. Wait, what? I was talking to someone yesterday. Who was I talking to? And maybe it was Whitney. And I was like, I do an hour every day. And I go, that ain't right. I'm like, we're getting some Joe Rogan numbers.

I mean, pretty soon this is just going to be a 24 hour channel. And that's what I hope to be. I mean, I literally could only do this and be very happy. I was telling Whit, I did Whitney Cummings podcast yesterday. Good for you. Not going to brag,

but she may have said it was the best episode she's ever done. After we closed it out, we talked about a lot of great stuff. I just love her. I just like every time I'm with her, I just like gush about how much um I used to fear her and envy her and it's just nice to tell someone uh I used to make a meal out of talking about you and like whenever your name would come up I would love to just like hear

what people said and how they uh justified your fame and your. And I'd love to just hear any excuse why you are successful that has nothing to do with hard work and being good and smart and funny and all the things that are the reason why she's successful. Oh, she's a schmoozer. Oh, she's calculated. Like I've been, you know, I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift, obviously.

And that's the word that Taylor Swift gets called all the time is she's too calculated. And like if a man's calculated, he becomes precedent. Like I don't mean to play the double standard thing here, but it really is true. Women being calculated. That is such a thing that people don't like about Taylor Swift they say it all the time and or like about any woman that seems to have a goal in mind and knows goes about means of getting it calculated doesn't mean you're being um like Machiavellian and it's like at any cost I will be number one it's like it's just having a fucking goal

and being like, here's the steps to get to that. But it has this negative connotation only really when associated with women. I mean, I guess it's a little negative if you say, God, he was so calculated, but it's like, but he's smart. He just did it the right way. She's so calculated.

Oh, she's such a like evil bitch. And it's not about her talent it's because she she did this thing so that her fans are like uh you you've heard me talk about it for my tour coming up I'm really man I was I have so much to say so I'm talking all over myself for the tour coming up I am trying slowly to incorporate like uh Taylor Swift just do things that Taylor Swift has done I'm listening to this podcast series called every album Taylor Swift every album and it's every single album and it's these two smartest fuck writers one woman is a sports reporter I forget her name um And then the other guy,

I forget his name too. He's really calculated. No, they're both, he was the CEO of Ticketmaster for a while. So these, and both write about music and just super intelligent people know what the fuck they're talking about.

And both huge Taylor Swift fans and they just talk about her with such love and like respect. And they also know that Swifties are listening to these episodes. So they, every single episode is going through a deep dive of the album and what led up to it and what Taylor was doing on the side to, or like what led to it and just how she created herself. And I've talked about it before, but she was very aware

that she wanted to have a special connection with her fans and that that was going to make for a lasting career and probably would benefit. I mean, I know that I feel like Taylor Swift is my friend. Whitney yesterday goes, wow, name drop, best friends with Taylor Swift. And I go, no, no, no. I talk about her like that's so cute you think I don't know her at all but she is my one of my best friends and I was like that's what I do on my show is like I want

my fans to feel like that too and to feel the love for them that that um I see Taylor feel when she's on stage um and yeah so I'm just trying to have more fan interactions and have more fan experiences and just bring people in and and I don't know what I'm gonna do on tour I mean it's I have to focus on it though because I've just been uh I have a bunch of people working for me for my tour and I threw out a ton of ideas and now I'm just like make those things happen and they're like well we what what exactly do you want for these things I'm like I want a big set design and they're like well what I'm like I don't know they're like what are you talking about what's the theme of your thing I'm like I don't know yet I'm gonna figure it out uh but I can guarantee if you go see me on tour it's it's gonna be good I um I've been doing

stand-up a lot when I come to LA having really fun sets you know some are a little shaky but it's only because I'm working on new material figuring out what to do and uh I'm not worried about uh tour if I keep telling myself that it might be true it's good to be nervous it's good to be like oh my god this thing like am I gonna do a good job uh are people going to be entertained and feel like they got their money's worth I just I'm the only comic I think who feels bad that people have to pay more money to go see me when I get more famous I just like really feel like oh my god like the expectations are higher because it's someone yesterday on um speaking of ticket master someone on twitter was like hey i got charged 25 for a 30

nikki glazer ticket it's like a what for ticket master charges just these arbitrary charges it's like didn't we address is this still going on i i did nothing was solved i mean that's that's so insane um and i'm sorry and I've and they tag me on it like I can do something I'm just listening to a podcast for the from the former CEO of Ticketmaster I got he doesn't even work there anymore and uh I don't know him I don't know what to do there um so I have no information for that people are like hey the venue says that I can't bring drinks that I'm like I I don't know. I don't even know. Can I be honest with all of you right now?

Truly, truly honest. I do not know what cities I'm going to. I don't know when. All I know is that it all kicks off July 10th in Waterloo, New York at a casino. And then July 30th, I only know July 30th as the second date because it used to be the first. I only know the first thing because if I look because it used to be the first I only know the

first thing because if I look at my tour schedule when I post my tour schedule I like blur my eyes when I'm looking at it because I can't handle that much things you know what I meant many things at once and so I when people are like oh I can't wait to come see you in whatever I go I guess I'm going there I don't look at it I don't like to see ahead and maybe that's a bad thing and I should I Taylor Swift probably knows exactly where she's going whenever she's going I can't do that because I just live one day at a time yesterday was a great day woke up to the pod uh was like kind of recuperating from a traumatic event the day prior, as you guys heard. Fashion egg.

Well, there's no fashion. I haven't given you a fashion egg. I just like that was it. And which I can't talk about yet. But boy, I will someday. I will tell you all about it someday. And maybe I'll tell you about it on my tour. But you can't tell anyone if you hear me I'm going to

literally make people promise like this can't leave this room which is a ridiculous I really should have named the tour this can't leave this room um because I wanted to like talk about things that I wouldn't talk about on tv where they could like find a home but I'm sure people could film I don't care I have nothing to hide um but, but guess what? Like everyone's checking in. All my friends are checking in on me about what happened two nights ago. And the thing that made me call Andrew at 6am, or like I called him at two, the thing that made me call, I called you, did I call you Noah? I texted you. I don't think I called you. You texted you texted me yeah I texted you because I was like Noah I just feel like goes to bed on time and then uh yeah that was but everyone checked on me the next day and and even today and I like don't even know what they're talking about

like that's how this morning my biggest problem was that I'm boarding group c37 on my southwest flight and I am pissed because usually i'm a list preferred because bill marr bought these tickets and i'm like they always buy like the the highest end ticket for the southwest and now i'm c37 i'm like the last person sat which i don't mind like being last in line and having but i just want a window seat and i don't know if they're going to be any available, but I have a plan. I have $100 bill in my purse, and I'm going to offer someone $100 for the window seat if I can't obtain one myself. I've done it before on a flight, and I'll do it again. And it seems crazy, but that's how important it is to me to lean upon a window. I hate the aisle.

But maybe I'll get lucky and just get a window. Who knows? But that was my biggest problem this morning. And people are like, how are you doing, Nikki? And I'm like, well, you know, C-37, listen, I've done this a lot and I can do it again. And who do I think that I am that I always should get the first in line? Like there was some kind of entitlement of like, I can't fly. If I'm in the I'm I'm a star I should be in the aisle or I can't be in the aisle but you know I

have no problem flying southwest you guys know that but I I still want that a list preferred but it's like no bitch you didn't check in within 24 hours like soon enough you checked in literally 0.7 seconds after the 24 hours. So you got this boarding group C because for some reason, everyone else checked in 0.7 seconds before you. And that's okay. And my assistant was apologizing to me

because I'm like, hey, next time we need to do it. That's what I'm like being all, not even passive aggressive. I'm just like, I just love a window and I might just delay my flight because I want to get a win. I'm just being when you pop up, and then I take a sip of coffee and like, wake up and I'm like, what are you complaining about? Like, who cares? You might learn something being the fucking aisle seat that you won't learn if you fall asleep on the window,

something might happen, you know? So all good things. and I really am over the other night yesterday was so funny because I was drafting all these texts to send to further just give more to pour more gasoline on this fucking dumpster fire that was the other night and I get to Whitney's I am I'm on my way there and I'm drafting this giant text to send and be like, what? All my anger and like, I want answers. And I send it to Anya and no one else because I knew everyone else would say don't send it. Anya's always, can I just say that Anya is the friend that will always help me keep the torch going for a person who, or a man, I should say. Any boys that I really like, Anya will never go,

he's worthless. Get rid of him. Anya will always go I yeah I think that there's like she'll help me draft something like she will always have hope and I need that in her because I have that in me um so I only asked her for help and then I got to Whitney's and I'm about to send the text thank god I didn't because we pulled to Whitney's I'm like oh I didn't have time to like really draft it out before I sent it so I get into Whitney's and I'm like okay I got I got to tell you the story so you can help me with this text and I told her the whole story and she's like do you want do you want to support or do you want advice which is like do you want me to lie to you or do you want me to tell you what and like advice is not really what you're supposed to ever give someone you're supposed to

say like you should never go you should do this I try to never say you should I've learned that through you know things that I've done that I can't talk about like I've learned that that's the best way to approach anything in my experience I have found that this works when I do this always talk from a point of eye this has worked for me and that way people can do maybe can hear how it's worked for you and then do it themselves but any like you should it's not gonna work for people but Whitney did the same thing she was like this is how I interpret it it's really interesting to when you are the victim of your own story which the other night I was the victim a hundred percent like I'm like no you know what we're talking about right hundred percent okay so I I want to say this in a way that isn't leaving out our

listener because the only reason I'm not telling you guys this is because it's it's a a it's sensitive and people could get hurt including literally myself so I don't want to so I'm not trying to leave you out but if you feel left out. And, uh, but what Whitney did for me, Noah was there's a situation. The situation is I feel like I'm the victim. Like I got the raw deal. I'm the one being persecuted and all these things. What, what she did, what she did, Noah was said, said, uh, Nikki, I just want you to see it.

I'm going to pretend I'm the best friend. I'm the, I'm, I'm a friend to the other person in this scenario, the enemy or like who we're personifying as the enemy. And obviously I've always already been through a place of trying to empathize with that person and seeing how it must feel from their side. But I didn't really do a good job of it because I was too lost in my own of like, but me and it's, it's, I'm the, I'm the one that's being attacked and made your bed. And she goes, honestly, Nikki, I probably

would. If I was the friend to this person, I would have been like, let's do that thing. Let's go to that thing. And let's confront that person. You know, like, can't you imagine being the friend of the person on the other side of my thing and creating a story that would make me the evil one that we need to attack? And I saw it. Suddenly I was like, oh my God,

I could so see myself being the cheerleader of my own enemy and if it was if it was like if this happened to you Noah like you were the the in the scenario on the other side I would be like I would tell you to do exactly what happened to me the other night like I would support you and probably go with you you know like it I really she made me see it from the other side and i go you know what and she goes what are you trying to get from sending this text what do you want to know and i go um well i want to know why it took place and uh why that i wasn't protected and what uh and she goes um i think you know what i because um that person doesn't care about you uh and i go but but that person said they did and now their actions say

they're not she goes okay so they their actions are what we're going off of and and they don't so you need confirmation on top of that that they don't care. Like when you really look at a text that you want to send that you maybe shouldn't, what information are you trying to get? And don't you already have it? Don't you already have the information? And if it takes that text to get the apology or to get what you want out of them, is that what you really want is to have to beg

someone or to remind them of what it was if someone hurts you and you're like I want them to know that they hurt me if they might oh my therapist always used to say this wow Donna's coming back in she used to go Nikki if they were sorry and if they cared about your feelings, they would care about your feelings. You don't have to remind them how you hurt. What they did was hurtful. And if they were capable of feeling it, they're not gonna feel it. You can't make them feel it.

What happened to you is objectively a bad thing to do to someone and not a loving thing. Therefore, if you go, hey, that was mean and not loving, you're not going to suddenly make them go, oh my God, I feel bad. They should have already felt it. Unless it's something that was completely unintentional and subconsciously hurtful to you. I understand that. But if it's something direct and it's very clear that that's like a, not a good thing, which it was the other night was a very clear sign of like, that wasn't nice. Um, and then they don't follow up with, I'm sorry. They're not sorry. And you going, shouldn't, aren't you? Sorry. It's not going to make them actually sorry. It might make

them say they're sorry, but they ain't. I have all my answers answers I don't need further confirmation so I I needed that from her and she goes and I'm not gonna let you send that before I go I'm gonna send it even though you're saying this and she goes give it two days and see how you feel I gave it two hours and I walked out of there and I go why would I ever send that why would I ever have said that and I also I sent the text to you as well right no you didn't send it to me. Oh, I would have. You would have been like,

do it. Like I, no way. No, really say the same thing because it's out of anger. And she actually like, that's a technique I learned in anger management. If you want to,

you draft up the text, you let, you let it all out and then you just let it sit there. Yeah. And then in five minutes you go look at it again. You assess your feelings. Are you still as angry? Probably not. Say, let me then in five minutes you go look at it again you assess your feelings are you still as angry probably not say let me wait another five minutes another five minutes after that and then over time it's like you just have a completely different perspective it really I love

what she said to you she's the best she really is good she like unlocked something and I can't wait to get into more details about it because it was just like you know when you are someone who is a public figure and by all means like you can google my net worth and you're like oh she's a millionaire and she's has she's glowy she's on tv she has all these friends she's on cone it like you know from the outside my my life looks pretty fucking perfect and then when the person on the other side the the, the, the foe, my foe is not someone like that. I'm always going to look like the fucking, I'm not,

it's going to be hard to make me out to be the victim when I am the one that has all I have. So if this became public, I'm not going to be the, the little like innocent girl that I feel it's in and she's and she's right when he was right you know um so i was able to empathize yesterday and really have an amazing amazing talk with her and then last night was so fun i want to tell andrew about it after uh we get him in here where is that little scamp which corner of the room is he in?

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Hey, Andrew. Good to see you. I'm going to see you later today, right? Oh, yeah. I don't know. What time are you getting in, brah? I'm getting in at 6, like 20. What time are you?

I'm getting in at 6.05. My mom's picking me up, and then we're going to my dad's show. Okay, well, Brenna was going's picking me up and then we're going to uh my dad's show okay well brenna was gonna pick me up but i'll maybe i'll go straight to your dad's show as well sweet okay cool that way so i won't wait for you i'm gonna go home i'm gonna get changed drop off my bags go to my dad's show it's from seven i mean doors are at seven and then it's like eight to ten um and by the time you guys are hearing this if you live in st louis uh you might be able to run and get there it's joe's cafe in st louis um my dad's doing a concert tonight with his band glazing the moon kings and there might be a special guest performance spoiler alert there is i'm going to sing and play

a song on guitar your own song or swifty no i wish blank space i'm gonna do i picked up blank space taylor swift not only because i've it's her grammy performance um she did like this grammy like town hall type thing and i've i've been playing this song i probably played it like 18 000 times andrew you've heard it a billion times and um i am playing that because i just wanted to pick a song that i can get everyone to sing along so no one sees how shitty my singing and um i am playing that because i just wanted to pick a song that i can get everyone to sing along so no one sees how shitty my singing and and i just want it to be more i invited my mom to sing on stage we practiced the other day she's like i'm gonna need to wear my glasses on stage to look at my phone for the lyrics and i'm like and she goes and i don't

know that that's a good look what did she say she said something so funny she was like and I don't know that that's a good look. What did she say? She said something so funny. She was like, and I just don't know. I just love the idea of her having singing glasses. Like, I got my reading glasses. I got my singing. She goes, I would have to read the words and wear my glasses, and I'm not excited about that. I'm not excited about that. I go, no one. My mom hates when I say no one cares,

because then she's like, then you make me feel like no one my mom hates when i say no one cares but true because then she's like then you make me feel like no one cares about how i look ever and i go they don't like no one expects you to be hot like no one expects no one should expect anyone for yourself wendy my mom is hot she's beautiful it's just like yes she thinks everyone's gonna go i go what's your biggest fear that someone's gonna go julie needed glasses on stage and she looked like a dork are you scared someone's gonna like give you a wedgie and throw you in a locker for wearing glasses like who cares i know but i guess it just goes down the the rabbit hole of then does anything matter then why am i even performing why should i perform if

no one cares all that stuff will probably start going head no it's not no one cares it's just you i care because it's i it'll be cute you're a good singer and it's it'll be fun no one's gonna go you know it would have been better if she wasn't bifocal during this entire performance yeah i guess my only point my yes for sure no one no one gives a shit if she wears a well a thong on stage would be hot but um right just a thong my stage would be hot, but just a thong. My mom would probably blow her own head off before she wore a thong. Wouldn't it be great if your mom tried to pull a Lady Gaga later in her life

where she's like, I'm going to brand myself. She goes so outside the box that Nikki Glacier's mom is wearing those long triangle Madonna tits. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. And like thigh high boots with a leotard.

Then they would take notice. I would love it. I would love my mom to have that kind of confidence. I think she's getting it though. My mom is really, it was really sweet. We had a really good talks this week when my dad wasn't here. She stayed longer. And like,

we just talked about confidence and like body image and a lot of stuff like eating and, uh, addictions. And like, she just like picked up a lot of things and standing up for yourself, not being honest. And she's like, Nikki, I really, you're changing me. Like she said stuff like that. She's like, I am, and standing up for yourself, not being honest.

And she's like, Nikki, I really, you're changing me. Like she said stuff like that. She's like, I am, I'm different because of the things I've,

I've gotten from you. It was really, really sweet. And, and I made her take an eating disorder quiz because I, I was talking about my like recovery process and she's like interested in it. And I go, do you want to see if you have maybe a problem? We can do the checklist. And I thought she was gonna fucking get an a plus plus

plus and we went through the checklist and she's she doesn't really have an eating disorder i thought she did i thought everyone did i was like you don't think about food constantly uh all the time like when you go to sleep and then when you wake up like it's not your only motivating thing i assumed it was and she's like no not really and i was like oh okay she's like but goodwill i think about all the time and what kind of deals i could get i mean we all have our things uh how's how's new york yeah it's interesting when you think uh someone someone's is thinking what you're thinking and you you you convince yourself so much that what they're thinking and then you find out and then i mean it goes back to your point of not caring about whether i should wear this or because no one cares so so you're they're not thinking about you and

that's okay there's beauty in that isn't there like oh or they're not thinking what you're thinking like because that's so stressful to think what someone else is thinking as well as you know your own self i'm so right sometimes though i mean you know that i am actually pretty good at reading people and no i'm not saying you're not i'm not saying but it's exhausting to even try like right i was just talking to noah about the the incident the other night that i had that i can't talk about yet but um i was about to like send off a furious text to like further get more answers and to confront it more to keep it going because i just want to yeah because i'm not done with it and then i realized that that I truly, for the first time,

imagine being, because Whitney helped me, Whitney Cummings, she goes, imagine you're the best friend of the foe in this. Imagine you're a best friend to that person. Wouldn't you go, let's go do this to Nikki Glaser.

I would, in a heartbeat, I would cheer this person on. I would be this person's cheerleader to do exactly what was done to me the other night. So all of a sudden I go, I would cheer this person on. I would be this person's cheerleader to do exactly what was done to me the other night. So all of a sudden I go, I get it. I didn't even think, this person is seeing me like this terrible person who did this thing to them and they're right in some ways,

but the way they're seeing it, they're thinking they know what's going on with me, just like I think I know what's going on with them and you can i mean i'm just a person that you can project a lot of stuff onto even though i don't know it's it's it just made me i was like oh my god i would totally bully myself in this scenario i mean it'd be amazing to just hear a conversation without emotion and just you guys kind of i mean it's just interesting if you talked for an hour you guys would probably come out of it going okay okay you know but we never do that with that person would come out of it holding my like hair and my head that they beheaded and they'd go

okay and they're walking down the street with my decapitated you really think you really think that that would happen i honestly think you would find common ground. I see. You're saying we'd find common ground. I happen to think we would not, but I don't blame either of us for that. Isn't it funny that sometimes there are two people that seem to be at odds with each other and you go,

why are these two people the one that have to bear the cross of this thing what who is there something is there a connective tissue here that isn't really playing is just kind of watching it happen uh yeah so maybe it's not either of our problem and maybe it's another thing altogether sure uh too cryptic um what's going on with you you look relaxed and there's there's a vibe um i am relaxed i i've had a great time my buddy glenn who's my best friend from college randomly was in new york city so i've gotten a lot of glenn time i went out with my other buddy matt we went to this thing called like it's like a soho house kind of thing

where it's like exclusive you can't get in there's 3,000 people on the waiting list and you go up like the 5th floor and it's like these swanky like way too good looking women with way too unattractive men is it like the cigar bar in St. Louis

like hot women and unattractive but way more swanky and hip than that. Yeah. And Meek Mill was there, the rapper. Oh. Yeah. I don't know. It was like, it's kind of like.

Doesn't he do that song that's like. Wait, what song is it? Wait, but you're singing glasses on. It's like a TikTok song. What? You know Dream and Nightmares? You know Dream and Nightmares? No, but there's this TikTok song that sounds like a windshield wiper.

It's like... I don't know that one. Yes, I think it's Meek Mill. I might be crazy, but who knows? Meek Mill, TikTok song. I hate my middle name. Call that. What's Meek mill's middle name meek uh uh i can't even think of anything that would be funny with mill something mill uh

he looked like a star though he had more meek dorothy hamill dude can you imagine wearing a million dollar worth of chains on your neck and go out and like, I just love it because, you know, he's wearing a baseball cap, T-shirt, jeans, and then a million dollars on his neck. I would feel so uncomfortable. I put on the chain that was $30 that you gave me and I feel uncomfortable. I just, I can't, I I mean the confidence it takes to wear a million dollars so much though oh you think that's what you would be worried about it yeah so they don't worry yeah I guess I mean I think I'd get shot I feel like I get it's like when girls when women wear engagement rings that are like sixty thousand dollars when they're walking around by

themselves this is wild to me. Like, I just. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. I've never even think about that. Yeah, but I feel like rings aren't as valuable as when you buy. Like, they're like a new car. They depreciate as soon as you.

Oh, do they? I thought, I didn't know that. I mean, I think if you try to resell an engagement ring, it's going to knock off at least 20% immediately. I mean, I could be wrong, but I definitely, I just, yeah. These swanky clubs, they're nice, but no one talks to each other. Everyone's in their own little pod. Everyone's like COVID's over.

And it's just six people all sitting in different pods no one's talking to each other So there's no how do you but then once people Drink they start mingling that's the thing Alcohol makes everyone like so much more Able to Fraternize Fraternize oh my god someone called me out The other day so hard for saying

Take for granted And I'm so sorry No I said take for granted I said take for granted and i'm so sorry no i said no i said take for granted i said oh my god oh my god wait wow in what context i don't know i was saying take for granted and i said take for granted i was maybe talking about countertops i don't know uh but that was humiliating and thank you for catching me a few people said that you i don't even know how to say this word i i forgot how they were posthumous post posthumous no yeah but apparently you don't say it that way do you know how to say it no posthumous posthumously oh yeah it's posthumously yeah

um that's when a when a when a possum dies what what happens after is his after he gets hit by the car is any everything posthumously um yeah i mean like i uh everyone says posthumously every everyone says that no they don't say that because you're saying post humorously is what we're doing. We're laughing at the way you pronounce is what we do after you mispronounce posthumously. God, I think everything sounds wrong. Look, you take it for granted. Wait, can I tell you what I did last night? Of course.

Last night, I went to do a show Supernova in LA The one that I love It's my last night in town And then Jeff Dye was on the show My friend Jeff Dye and he was going to some Gig in the valley like deep valley And he goes It's deep and I go I'll go

I got nothing to do And so we went to I don't even know where we went. We drove like 40 minutes in the valley. We go to this bar that is a, it's a Matrix slash Alice in Wonderland theme bar. It's called, I forget what it's called. Fuck. I should look it up.

Like the party was or the actual bar is like all the time. The bar is themed and it's been around eight years and it has wacky like giant chairs like alice in wonderland chairs and it was like all black lights and there is a stage up in this like nest at the very top uh in the front and the people were so drunk it was just like you know bar locals having a good time um and i walked in and was just like it reminded me so much of doing stand-up comedy back in the day uh you know in the before the 2007 to 2009 and there is the rabbit hole thank you the rabbit hole where is it a west hills california was he was he closed was he closing like doing 45 minutes or was it just like a no he was just doing a spot i don't even understand why he

was doing this show does he live out there no no i mean he lives in the valley but not that deep yeah yeah so you go deep into this rabbit but he was like i gotta go do this gig and i he goes let's hang out after and i go and no just let me go and i think he was like oh you're gonna not like it i go i know what this is i don't care let's just go and i'll tell them you're bringing he's like but i i don't want to be late i'm like you're not late you're the only star in this show you can go up whenever you want so he's like you he wants to like get to a show early and like scope it out i'm like it's a bar show you don't need to scope it out you have to wait for me to get off stage and then we're going and so we went and uh did you go it was it was so it was a

good hang we went it was just like a bunch of like comics i haven't really met before and we're all hanging in this and also like fraser smith a guy that's been around forever it was like a good valley comic hang i i was so reminiscent of the old days i like felt young again it was so fun except i usually would have been blackout drunk at these uh kind of things in the past I was like there's something different going on here I would go oh I can see it clearly and I don't want to stay all night you know and um so I'm there and we're back in like behind the building the green room is like the back lot kind of thing and all these comics are hanging out it's fun and uh one of the comics Tino gotiam tino had a uh guitar he was a guitar act and um i'm sitting there and where he gets off stage and i go can i like play your guitar and he's like sure and i

start playing it he was so nice he was like you're good he was like how long you've been like he's like gave me all the compliments i've been like dying to hear from from my dad yeah he's like wow like you you're like he was like you don't seem like a like you you have you you've got it like you're this is you've got a foundation that is clearly like you're cut out for this it was just like very very nice and then I was like can I like play us I go I kind of I have to perform tomorrow night for the first time with a guitar on stage and sing. And I was like, what if I just like, what if I do it tonight? I was like, because I'm going to do a set.

He already had a plug in and everything. And I was like, can I play your guitar? And he was like, sure. And I was like, okay, this will be so funny because I don't, these people are wasted. They all had their phones in these little like yonder cases. Yeah, the club owner goes and they're yondered up in there. And I go, what does that mean? He's like, I go, what are we all on a drug or something? and they're yandered up in there and i go what what does that mean he's

like i go what are we all they're on a drug or something they're all yandered so but they all had their phone in cases no one could film it if it was terrible and i go um okay i'll do a set so i went up there i did a set up in this like loft area i did comedy i like did stand up talked about molestation and then i was like guys now i'm gonna play a song and this is really embarrassing and i know no one wants it but i'm it's gonna be blank space and i want you to all sing along you know that song like so it's gonna be forever and they were like oh yeah and i was like if you know it please sing it pull it up on your phones and they were like we're yondered i'm like oh yeah you can't get it out so okay we'll just guess and then i go jeff will you come

sing with me and jeff comes up and he has his phone and so we're both singing and I I got to play guitar and sing for the first time in my life I'll show you the picture of it uh I'm so excited about it it was it wasn't great like I fucked up a lot but it's just nice that tonight is not going to be my first time like literally last night was like the first open mic I did isn't that so cute it is cute it was so fun like seeing myself on stage with the guitar is like i got a picture sent to me of us of me playing it was just like it made me so happy it's like all i've ever wanted someone that was at someone one of the managers or something and uh wasn't yonder i i just felt like exactly like I felt when I first started stand-up of like

that wasn't like the best set of my life like in terms of I am I'm an open I'm like an open mic comic yeah I'm a new artist it's like so fun to feel that way of like oh my god it's my first open mic you could do some music open mics instead of stand-up and like maybe go under like an alter ego and wear a mustache and go in there i am going to do that i think yeah yeah just put my hair up in a baseball cap i i might um but i and i wrote a poem yesterday for the first time ever uh about my feelings and might and i am a fucking good lyricist i gotta say like yeah you're a writer i'm not coming at this as like i know i didn't know though i didn't know i come on some might say i'm a poet and i didn't know it uh but

i wrote poetry yesterday and i like i i and it wasn't it didn't feel what's it called taking for granted it should be what's it called do you have a name i didn't write a title and i didn't finish it i just wrote can we hear it or no can we hear two couplets hold on one second let me go get it i know this is vulnerable but yeah let's it is but you know what i'm in that state right now hold on a second oh this is great here we go oh god okay hold on let me just see come on shakespeare uh nikki nikki nikki nikki

uh okay i don't because here's the thing it's like anything it's almost not poetic it's not like um i am what's it called no no no no no it's not that it doesn't rhyme or anything it's not like a man from nantucket or anything it's like it just uh had a plum that he fucked it's not like i'm talking in a lot of metaphors i'm talking a little bit like uh but i knew if i did but if i did oh my god wait hold on but of course you didn't listen because you wanted my permission to break someone else's heart it's pretty good well that kind of rhymes and then at the end well yeah i said uh well because i that's just like a part of it but i liked that little permit listen permission and like that to to it was pretty much like you didn't stay away because you i asked you stay away and

you permission listens pretty good but it was just like it was a way for me to process like it's I might not do anything with it but I didn't feel stupid doing it and I really felt like when I am doing something sincere I feel so icky usually and this is the way I felt about masturbation like I had to like ease into it and to get to the point where I was really comfortable with it and didn't feel like what are you doing you're alone and doing this thing that like is like too many feelings and now i'm like okay i can do it anytime i want like i don't think about i don't get embarrassed at all about masturbating or feel guilty or feel weird um and so that's i gotta do that essentially

hopefully i won't need 18 power tools to get it done well just look at it like journaling but like but you know in less word economy or better word economy. I want you to write a poem. I could write a poem right now. I could do a sincere poem. No, it's going to be funny, though. No, I could do it from the heart. No, you can't.

We got to get to the news. Give me a topic or I'll do anything. No, because I just don't believe you. Okay, write a song about how much you love your nephew. Okay. Yeah, a poem about your nephews. Augie, Leo. Or Glenn.

I'll do my nephews. Okay, Augie, Leo, Sid, and Teddy. I love you dearly. Although I don't have my own, I feel like you are. Even though we are not close and you are far, you're still on my mind. I keep you on my phone now to think of you all the time. And one day, hopefully, you'll meet one of your cousins when I put a baby up in the oven of someone.

Are you telling us you want to have kids, Andrew? I don't know. Maybe. Do you want kids? Is this something you've realized? I don't know. Oh, my God. What?

Andrew, we have a podcast. Dude dude please do not go having kids yet are you starting i mean you can i can't control that but i have to say like watching andrew's instagram stories this weekend from when he was hanging out with his nephews kind of made me feel like i think andrew's into fatherhood no i'm into uncle hood i i'm not there yet i'm not i'm really not but you know it was nice it's nice scene i always think about the schumer joke of like you'd be a great mom she's like yeah i'd be a really great prostitute too but that doesn't mean i have to do it yeah people are always like you'd be a great mom i'm like i would kill it i know but i don't want to do it necessarily all right let's get to the news you'd kill it. I know, but I don't want to do it necessarily. All right, let's get to the news. You'd kill it. Let's get out of our feelings and into the news.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. That was sweet, Andrew. Oh, boy. Oh, thank you. I hope you're... Apparently, I didn't say have all the swells yesterday, and I...

No, what? I don't know. I could have swore I said it someone called me out I think you did we need to delete that episode we can't even have that out there well I hope you're having a great time and all the swells again

all the swells we all know this story boy it's a hot one in the news Britney Spears asked a judge to remove her conservatorship and says I'm not here to be anyone's slave. Have we seen this, Nikki? Did you read? Boy, I listened to the whole thing. Did anyone listen to the whole thing out there?

It is gnarly. This girl is, they put an IUD in her and won't let her get it taken out so that she can't have kids she is forced to work seven days a week she was in a i mean she really it's so funny the save britney people were right all along yeah uh she is being held captive she's being forced to work she's being she's paying people to keep her enslaved. She pays people to it's wild. What came out that recording, I hope

that she gets what she wants. There's no reason this woman they can say whatever they want about her. She had her episodes, but she talks about being on meds and they put her on lithium and changed her meds. She just feels like uh it's it's it's awful to hear and you know yeah there was that quote about her i kind of was rolling

my eyes about the free britney thing it's like she's a pop star she has everything going she's in a big house focus on like yeah yeah she has this hot boyfriend no she's she truly was is trapped and now people know the truth it It really, it all adds up. And she, you should listen, people should listen to those recordings because she's very articulate in them of what she's going through. And what are some other quotes? Well, that's the thing. I feel like she's so articulate where she'll take it to a very dark place,

which I think what it does to the judges makes the person seem crazier than they are because the analogies they use. Does that make sense? Like, like what? Like she's definitely going through it, but then like comparing it to. OK, I don't know. I'd have to read somebody. Slavery, you mean? Slavery.

Well, working and not. Compared to being sex trafficked. Oh, yes. I mean, that's the only she's she's right, those are the i'm not saying she's wrong she has is only comparable to and and to people who are being pimped out and who have no um autonomy autonomy over their own lives and work schedule and there's no she's not being protected she works uh she was working like 10 hour days seven days a week and she she there's a clip of her on stage with 102 degree fever in vegas and she says she has 102 degree fever i mean she she's not allowed to take days off she uh

it's she's like i honestly want to i honestly want to sue my own family like i she's like i probably should sue them all like i loved she seems angry but she seemed measured yeah and you know britney's always talking she she doesn't she didn't get like a formal education and she she's someone a voracious reader i know that but she she talked like a pop star that was a child star. But for me, based on most of the stuff that I had heard from her on her Instagram, I found her to be much more mentally sane and making cogent, like, I don't know, points that I wouldn't have expected

from the Britney Spears I know on Instagram. And that's because the Britney Spears on Instagram probably was on drugs that she was being forced to take and yeah i mean i have instagram post where it's coming out and i don't know why it came out or what it what it is you know i'm well she finally met with the judge the judge that didn't listen to her a few years ago apparently then then she says uh that that apparently her her dad makes 16 grand a month off of her. I think it would be more than that. I mean, that's just, I guess, what's on the books and what he's, who knows what else he's taking.

Also, he probably has access to all the cars and all the other shit. Yeah, she was in Vegas. She's not allowed to get married. She's not allowed to have kids. The idea that they will not let her go get her IUD out, which she calls an ID. It's wild. She's like, I have an ID. have kids the idea that they will not let her go get her iud out what she calls an id is wild she's like i i have an id in my they put in an id and it's just like it's an iud but that's fine she

says that a couple times that is so insane to me that she's not i had an iud and there's no way to get it out unless a doctor goes in like that poor girl she wants to have kids she wants to get married and all and she's she really is a a a prisoner yeah it sucks and they have total control what's her relationship with her current kids do we even know i think she has uh you know she has she can visitation and stuff like that i think yeah no i'm just saying, if that's very strained and she's not, we don't see how, you know, how she's being a mother to those kids.

So would you try to keep her away from having for, to save herself? You know what I mean? I don't know. That's what they're saying is that if she's not able to take care of her own money, then why should she be able to have kids? I mean,

I'm sure it's all that, but bottom line is it just sounds, it's, it sounds like a bad, bad situation. And it should be illegal. So I hope something's going to happen with it. I can't wait to hear her whole story. She's going to really talk when this all comes out. It's like she has a lot more to tell.

And I can't wait for the Oprah interview. Next story. A recent survey confirms that we are work junkies, working on vacation during parental leave, even while sick. Some percentages here, 82% of people work while on vacation. 70% answer calls from clients or colleagues while on vacation. 42% take vacation days specifically to do work. 40% work on sick leave.

37% work on vacation. Okay, that's cool's cool we're good we're good yeah i'll keep going then um 80s no i'm just kidding uh yeah i mean is this this isn't a surprise to me i honestly think that number is low 70 working on vacation with smartphones i mean emails just keep on coming how do you avoid it and you can do that little email that bounces back and says i'll be out of the office but everyone knows you're getting the email and that you're probably going to respond to it right after that also vacation's boring as fuck like work sometimes is it's kind of fun to answer a couple of emails yeah but i think even like regular people they just they want to feel like they're still important even on vacation you know what i mean like like i was talking to someone about like if you had 100 even like regular people they just they want to feel like they're still important even on vacation

you know what i mean like like i was talking to someone about like if you had 100 million dollars could you just move down to the bahamas and live on the beach kind of like when we were in cayman you know imagine doing that without ever talking again on a mic or just living yeah eating a coconut every day but i understand that i understand that because work for that's why i do a podcast every day because even on days where i have nothing else at least i did a podcast every day. But I understand that. I understand that because work for, that's why I do a podcast every day because even on days where I have nothing else,

at least I did a podcast that day. Like I can't go a day without doing something productive to give me the self-esteem I need to not want to

kill myself. Like I need, I need to have put in work so I deserve the fun I'm having. Vacations, I can only really sink my teeth into

if I've really come off a stretch of like the hardest work ever. And that's bullshit. You should be able to just like enjoy yourself and not need to have earned it and not need validation of, oh, I work today, so that means that I am-

Deserving of love. Desperate. Or just self-esteem. Like, you need to be working to feel like you matter and that you're contributing. I mean, especially men. I mean, that's a thing you find out in all these relationship books is that a man, like, needs to provide and, like, have a sense of like he's working to feel his best self like his sexiest and to feel like a man he like has to work

and uh like gather sticks or whatever that's biologically based off of from but i i i love working and i definitely am a workaholic for sure. I mean, I hear some of my friends that do like real estate and stuff. They're like, I gotta do a work call. They're always like, I gotta get jump on a call. And then I hear the call and it's like, Hey Dave,

how do you play golf? Oh, great. Sweet. You get the numbers. I got the numbers. All right. See you later.

And they're like, Whoa, got to do another two of those. I was like, Oh no. oh no. Not another work call. It's like, shut up. Not another brief social interaction in which you get to.

That's really funny. I mean, it's just funny. It's like the idea of what it would work. Sometimes I go like, I'm just on rolling calls and I don't count that enough. I'm just on rolling calls and i i don't count that enough i'm like or podcasts sometimes i don't count because i'm like it's fun i need work to mean like it's painful yes and it just doesn't have to be but uh yeah we are we're workaholics people retire and they don't know what to fucking do with themselves i would not be able to retire

my dad retired i mean and then and got and then i worked again like he he was like i'll just do stocks all day and then he ended up back in the hospital working in the hospital weekends just to feel like you're important and to feel like oh well he does important work but it's just like i don't know you just can't and to fill your fucking day yes the days are so long days are really long and uh and then you get into some like behavior that can just become like, you know, you'd start drinking too much. You start just like watching too much TV and just like you don't feel good. And so I need work to kind of like frame my life. But I do look forward to like retiring someday and just having birds, you know, and like my birds are my work. Like your work can

shift. Like you can go have a garden, you can work around the house, like little projects and your work can shift to things that are actually enjoyable and that you care about. And hopefully your work itself is, is that, but, um, yeah, the fact that we have smartphones work never, ever stops. And, um, well, that's the other thing that's really unfortunate can you can you retire and then just work on your garden without recording it on instagram like you know what i mean or can you could we just retire throw our phones away if you want like the bill murray way you could write me a letter i'll be in arizona you gotta send it to a bird and it'll fly to me no if i have a bird, I have birds.

I don't know that I'll need to post about them. I really feel like the things that I love most, I don't need to post about family. When I'm having a really good family moment or romance, I hope my ideal retirement is being with someone I love and having a really nice place to read and be like be around animals and like have my friends over. I want to live close to friends. I just want,

I want to be in a retirement home with a bunch of my friends and birds. Hell yeah, dude. It's like going back to college. I, we have to get to the sports, but I gotta be honest with you. I gotta go to the bathroom.

The coffee is surged through me. Can we take a quick break? Yeah. Dumpy. Yeah. A little dumpy. You don't know. I know i didn't say that i mean it's coffee do you got a balcony there balcony balcony what if you do shit on the balcony while i hang out in the bathroom all right here we go there she break. Oh, Nikki, you took the mic in with you.

Oh, God, this is a big shit. Oh, boy, I drank all the coffee, and now I got a shit. Oh, Starbucks. Oh, shit. Oh, I got too much Stevia. Oh, man, this is embarrassing. This is going to ruin my brand. Oh, I ate too much brand.

Oh. This is going to ruin my brand. Oh, I ate too much brand. Are we going to keep that, Noah? What'd I miss? I did a live play of you pooping. Oh my God, please keep it in. Wasn't that fast? I mean, that was wild yeah what did you me too yeah why do i envision when you poop your legs going up in the air and like

that one kind of was like that let's get to the sports moment now that i've cleared my dugout here's andrew's weekly sports moment now that i've cleared my dugout here's andrew's weekly sports moment oh she sounds more thrilled than ever folks the warriors head coach steve kerr says that kevin durant is more gifted than michael jordan he's more gifted than michael jordan which is wild to say as you know basketball fans love ranking their top five. It's like their whole thing. It goes Jordan, Kobe, LeBron.

They want to kill each other over this. Top five. Oh my God. It's wild. Now he's putting Kevin Durant above Jordan. I feel like Jordan tops everyone's list. No? Jordan's number one on, I would say,

85% of lists. Is anyone putting Kobe or is it like... There's Kobe heads out there. I mean, but Kobe literally copied his game from Jordan. The thing is, is people... It's not just about how good... There's no Kobe without Jordan. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. I mean, Kobe copied like how Michael Jordan talked. I mean, he went with this low voice. You know how they pause and they're overthinking about shots. You know? Like, oh, you know, what do I think about that rebound? They talk like that. I mean, I don't know how you look. It's like that's a choice to like. Yeah. I think they probably have a publicist that goes hey talk slower in a lower

register to sound more important but anyways um they also take take into account what era you play in so like will chamberlain was this guy have you heard of him he's the guy to fuck like oh yeah he had sex with like 30 000 women yeah what about those only sports stats i know truly it's gotta you know what and there's gotta be some other basketball players who are deal are who are flirting with those kinds of numbers oh my god yeah for sure i mean that's who i rank is the ones that fuck the most who do you think who what okay what do you want to fuck the most maybe we'll put that out there can you think of your top okay top five nikki glazer athletes that you would want to fuck i don't you know what

whenever i'm at a sports bar i always go who's that who's that like there are so many hot athletes um i don't know let me start paying attention i'll put together a list but off the top of my head tzitzipas is so hot wait who the greek tennis player yes yes yeah isn't he like he could pass all over my tzitzis so stupid so great i mean i think he's real he he was one that i was like oh my god i want him to win because he's hot um it's such a random john daly 1986 i'm just kidding i did like that john daly doc we watched john daly i say, you know who I am very attracted to? Steve Kerr. When he was on, holy shit, when he was, first of all, he was hilarious in that one, when he was like honoring Jordan at some thing.

In that documentary, what was the documentary called? The fucking Michael Jordan documentary that everyone loved. Take it for granted i was obsessed i'm done with that i what was it called the last dance it was so hot and like cool and now i love that he's like saying that uh jordan isn't isn't the goat wait why do you think Kevin Durant is in your top five of basketball players you'd like to fuck? I mean, I could suck his dick without on my tippy toes, which is pretty cool. Who do you think's the hottest?

Oh, you want to look like Dustin Poirier? That's who you want to look like more than anyone. No, no, I mean, who's the hottest athlete? Who's that one guy that I follow, Andrew, you were like oh yeah you like him i follow him and i don't even know jimmy garoppolo garoppolo yeah yeah yeah i mean he's fucking gorgeous he shouldn't be allowed to be athletic as well you know what i mean like he's he's got dimples everywhere in all the right places.

He's got that dick dimple. He's got that dick dimple, that double D, boy. No, John, I mean, yeah, no, there's so many. Kevin Durant, he's 6'11". He can shoot threes better than anybody. I mean, well, he's top like 10 in everything he does. Like he scores like no other person has ever scored before. He's been around forever too, right? I've been hearing his name forever.

I couldn't pick him out of the lineup though. Well, Michael Rappaport released DMs that he sent him privately calling him essentially kind of homophobic kind of stuff, but not just like you get whatever, however they talk. Yeah, just Michael Rappaport being outrageous. No, no, Kevin Durant sending him to Rappaport, kind of stuff but not like just like you get you know whatever however they talk about being yeah no no kevin durant sending him to rap report and then rap report released them publicly on his instagram and so that was a whole thing kevin durant's also the guy that had his own he made a secret twitter page oh oh that was so bad i heard about that oh that was embarrassing so like sometimes

celebrities will make a fake account to then promote like to like you have one on reddit nice things no but i don't go nikki glazer is the greatest of all time i don't talk about myself on there ever yeah no he was combating trolls. He thought he was logging into his fake account, and it was his account, and he tweeted in support of himself. It was so embarrassing. Yeah, it was bad.

That's not a good look. It's hard to be ranked in the top five in basketball when you get caught with a secret Twitter account. What did he say that it was? I want to see this tweet by the way oh yeah i don't know i'd have to i'd have to look it up i forget exactly how he got caught but it was not hold on i'm gonna look fake account god and by the way i could not find that windshield wiper song that's that really i can't believe it's the wheels on the bus apparently tried to use a fake twitter account to defend himself

and slam the thunder kevin durant appears to oh my god on sunday someone tweeted at durant give me one legitimate reason for leaving okc other than getting a championship durant or whoever was running his twitter twitter account that day decided to respond judging by the use of a third person in his tweets it appears durant had meant to use a fake account to make it look like a random fan was making his comment he wrote he didn't like the organization or playing for billy donovan kd can't win a championship with those cats and he did it from his own account the tweets in question have since been deleted from durant's account this is in 2017 and uh that is humiliating and um that's why Michael Jordan's better than him because Michael Jordan wouldn't be caught dead on Twitter writing his own

even on his own I will say though Michael Jordan probably is a type of guy that does talk about himself in third person and he means it you know like oh god yeah Michael Jordan doesn't do that have you ever done that where how do you get to that point of celebrity where you go you wake up one morning you go it's time andrew collin is gonna say andrew collin had a good game andrew collin played his best andrew collin's teammates weren't there for him but hey andrew collin's just one man but andrew collin's happy with where he's at but andrew collin's gonna try harder tomorrow that's what andrew collin does yeah i I don't, I think I've been caught doing it, but I was doing it in a funny way

and someone's like, are you talking to a third person? I go, yeah because it's like for, it's added for the joke but that is a ridiculous way to talk and it's, you know, it always reminds me of the Seinfeld episode of like, Jimmy likes Elaine. Elaine thinks that this guy is talking about another guy that she has a crush on at the gym and

this guy Jimmy comes over and is like, hey, Jimmy likes the way Elaine, the cut of Elaine's jib. And Elaine's like, really? He does?

He's like, Jimmy likes Elaine. Jimmy wants to take Elaine out. And she's like, really? She thinks he's talking about this guy that he's like speaking for

but then it turns out it's him. She's like, you're Jimmy? He's like, yeah, Jimmy likes Elaine. Jimmy,

Jimmy. It was so funny. let's get to listener mail it's thursday we get to go through your voice memos and your dms and uh emails as always you can leave us a voice memo at uh nikki glazer pod uh at the link in our bio on instagram let's hear from anonymous hey team i'm sending you guys this little cheeky voice memo from Australia. I just wanted to say a huge, massive thank you for the potty. I was listening to the You Up podcast first and now listening to this one, and it's so good.

I understand it's free, so I'm very grateful that you guys put this out for us. And there's so many episodes. Nikki, I just wanted to say a big thank you for correcting Andrew on his enunciation and pronunciation of words. Because we do say words slightly different here in Australia, it is very helpful for us to understand what he is saying. Andrew, you're doing a great job.

Nikki, thank you for getting him to where he is today. Also, I wanted to let you know that I definitely started from episode one. I'm a little bit late to joining this game because I deleted all my socials and missed out on when it started. So I'm a bit late to joining the game. Started. Started from episode one. I know you keep saying join him whenever.

I have autism. I'm not going to join him wherever. I have to go one through to whatever episode you're up to now um so i will get there uh this is going to stop soon and i'm talking way too much but i just want to say huge thank you love your work all three of you you've absolute bomb.com thank you so much all the swells peace out all the swells oh my god you. I love an Australian accent. Australia. It's just so crisp. Like it makes me feel like biting into a fucking Fuji apple.

Yeah. It's just like, it's, oh, I love it so much. Oh, the potty? And I love that. She calls it the potty? The potty.

Yeah. God, I was trying to like hear her voice so I could do, if I go there, wait, I can't, I can't do it was trying to like hear her voice so i could do if i if i go there wait i can't i can't do it at first it's on the british and then but i i can only do um an australian no no no wait no no no no you just say like the last part of a no no no no it's just it's so crisp i love it um i love that she dropped i'm autistic so that ain't

gonna happen where i'm just gonna jump in i get that girl completionist um i'd love to know what kind of autism you have or what how you got diagnosed i'm always very interested in that it reminded me a lot hearing her voice and then saying hearing her just like say that she has autism just so like yeah it's just a part of who i am and like very like you know i i love it i love it to be normalized like that but it reminded me a lot of love on the spectrum because that was shot in i think new zealand maybe australia as well but they all had the australian accent and they all were like you know all the girls on that show most of them were very quirky and just like, yeah, I have autism and this is how it manifests. And it's just so fascinating.

I can't wait for love on the spectrum again. I kind of I loved how blunt she was about how I speak like shit and how I owe everything to you. It was pretty cool. You know, like autistic people aren't really dabbling in untruths. You know, they just say what they they can't really lie. It's not like they can't lie they just don't see the point in it they just are what they are and i love that someone with autism if we are attracting autistic listeners we're doing something right because there's an authenticity to

people with autism that i uh i i want to like have as well. And I really appreciated that. Thank you so much. We didn't get your name, but anonymous, autistic, beautiful bestie in Australia. Thank you for listening. And I am so you, can you listen on like double the speed so you can zip through them?

That's just a lot of time, girl. I can't wait for her to hear this call out in six years. Oh, well, this is from leah uh this is a dm we got i just listened to yesterday's episode talking about celeb encounters two years ago i saw you in starbucks behind rockefeller with anya and i was such a fan and i did i wanted to tell you that but i didn't want to bother you i knew you would have been so kind but i chose not to i still regret it but since then i made it a point to go up and tell people that I revere and appreciate all the work they uh to tell people that I revere them and appreciate all the work they've put out from that I've met a lot of kind people I look up to I'm so happy you're back doing

your pod and I can't wait to see you on tour p.s now whenever something happens or I fuck up I remind myself of you saying do you think you wanted that to happen I made a mistake at work and instead of getting really upset and mad at myself i remembered i didn't want it to happen and not to go to self-loathing so thank you for everything yes yes it worked that is huge did you want that did you want to do that no you didn't you didn't want to say that weird thing that you're staying up in bed going why did i say that to the person you didn't want to if you would have like you didn't want to take a shit on the copy machine it just happened you? You didn't want to. If you would have like. You didn't want to take a shit on the copy machine. It just happened.

You didn't want to. And so when you make up just. If you didn't mean to do something. And there wasn't intent behind it. Really let yourself off the hook. Because you don't know why that thing popped into your head that you said. And you can't explain it. It just did.

And if you would have had a chance not to say it. You would have. But you didn't. So it's not your fault. And I love that. and one day we're gonna get someone right in and go so i killed my brother yesterday but thank you nikki i didn't even i didn't even think twice about it i don't i'm going on with my day and i'm skipping don't let murdering your brother get you down you know there's so many more important things in life. And guess what?

You murdering your brother is going to lead to a world of possibilities that wouldn't have happened without killing your brother. Like fucking his wife. Just think about that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and please do not kill anyone. I'm not condoning it on the show. We are just joking.

I did like what she said about the celebrity encounters. Please, I always say, go up up to if you see a celebrity that you appreciate just do a drive-by compliment if you want to get a picture have your phone already ready the camera open and ready to go on selfie mode quick boom done um don't look at it and go it's blurry just take your blurry shot and get the hell out of there um i will though always retake a photo but don't you think most of the time i would ask first though even yes ask oh yes ask first and go oh can we take a photo but have it already ready yes and then don't you think ask first though even yes ask oh yes ask first and go oh can we take a photo but have it already ready yes and then don't get sad if they say no

and um yeah let people know that you i would have loved to hear uh to have you tap me on the shoulder and and say are you nikki glazer and then i go no no i'm singing actually nikki glazer is nikki glazer and she's right here yeah Yeah, I would have loved that. Yeah, that's when I refer to myself in third person. Yeah, Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser. Jerry likes Nikki Glaser. That's what I said before.

Jenny. Emily. This is a voice memo from Emily. Hi, guys. I was just listening to Top 1, Bottom 1, Worst Thing Your Dad Ever Said To You, and Nikki's was about how her dad commented on her new boobs as a teenager. And my dad said something very similar to me, unfortunately. He also calls me, babe. He said, I got in the car and I had shorts on.

And he picked me up from soccer practice and said, wow, your legs are getting pretty hairy there, babe. And that's a real thing that happened to me. So I should have defended you earlier with the babe thing. But here I am now saying that my dad also calls me babe. Okay, thanks. Hair, the hair on your leg, you're getting getting your legs are getting hairy babe um i will say that i don't know that this is as bad as you're getting some boobs because he hair on legs is not like sexualized but it is a comment on your body and you don't want to hear it followed by a babe from

your dad no no no we just don't don't dance don't comment on our bodies it's just not yeah it's not good but i love that someone else is getting babed out there by their dad. I hope my dad never starts calling me babe. That doesn't make me cringe. I guess it's a little cringe. God damn. When I walk in the room, it's like, yeah, gross. He literally was like, hubba hubba the other day.

And everyone noticed. I go, dad, no. He goes, what's wrong? And I go, you don't say hubba hubba to your daughter you just don't he didn't say how baba but it was something just as bad it was just like damn his fat ass his his like tongue fell out of his mouth and then rolled on the carpet oh my god that's so funny i get the leg hair thing hurts because like it then associates are you learning how to be a dad from this andrew yeah i am a little bit but the leg hair thing then makes her think leg hair is unattractive

and that it makes her gross in a way like that's how i think she probably internalized that so yeah oh you're not you're right you know what it is a comment about sexuality i don't mean to dismiss that because you're right saying to your daughter your legs are getting hairy is saying like you should fix that so your legs look more sexually attractive and and to my liking or get higher shin guard Yeah. Get longer socks or shave your legs, babe. Because you're grossing me out. Oh, my God. Babe.

Can we do another one for final thought? Sure. Okay, here's a quick one. Hey, besties. Day one listener over here. Hey, Kirstie. This is not my first message I've left you. Yes! Day one listener over here. This is not my first message I've left you. I just had to say the episode about popping out hard was hands down my favorite episode thus far.

I just love the way you guys kept throwing the term poppy into the conversation. And when Noah said her dad was an emotional poppy, I nearly died. That was so fun i can't we can't forget to use poppy as an adjective to describe someone who's stupid because poppy is my baby niece and i uh it all came from the fact that i was yeah saying that poppy's dumb because she's a baby so when you're dumb you're poppy um and she's gonna appreciate that someday uh i can't wait to see those little rascals actually thank you kirsty for your message i really like your name too kirsty is a great name i guess kirsty alley is the only other kirsty you really know about well you have a friend kirsten

which is close your best yeah but i've never called her kirsty i've never thought of her as a kirsty um what are you doing this weekend andrew i mean i'm excited to see you i'm guessing that i won't see you for a few days. I'm excited to have the place to myself because you're going to go over to your girlfriend's probably tonight, tomorrow, the next night. And I'm going to get to jam out alone. And that means masturbate. I'm going to. No, I'm going to.

I'm going to have the place to myself. And really, I like when you stay out. You don't you don't often have your lady over anymore well yeah no we don't say because it's you nikki you make it weird for us i know that's what you were just saying there was i right not completely but not completely wrong either why wait why do i make you feel uncomfortable you verbalized it what do you mean you don't even remember when you verbalize things sometimes i think okay what did i verbalize you go that bitch better not come over again or i'll stab her i don't think you understand what verbalize means i literally told you i don't want you you said you said you said to me one time when we were having a discussion that uh you never go

over there she always comes over here. That's what you said. I did say that, but which was the case. So I'm not crazy. No, no, no. But that's just a point I made that it's why I was just wondering why you don't go over there.

Is it like not a good situation? And then you started going over there and I'm like, oh, great. He always goes over there. So I'm like, I guess it's not so bad. I don't mind if you, I've never told you not to bring her over but i do enjoy i even told brenna i go i i haven't seen you in a while last time i saw her at the party i go

i haven't seen you in a while um i go i love having the place to myself i'm not gonna lie like i do i love when you guys aren't there because then it's not but i'm not crazy to have these thoughts yeah but i'm not i didn't say thoughts. Yeah, but I'm not. I didn't say you can't have her over there. I would always prefer you not to because who wants to have a couple having sex in the next room when you feel weird because I don't want you guys

to have to like be like having to be quiet and I don't also don't want to not use the living room or have to have the TV on super loud. Like, you know, when there's a couple that's like kind of like giggling and like sneaking like like you have to go to the kitchen to like grab something and you have to like put on boxers and i know you like probably just it's just it's awkward but it doesn't it's it's not like i don't i i i've i've never told you not to do that but you just but everything you just said leads to that conclusion.

I don't care. I'm just saying. I can have a preference, but it doesn't mean I don't want it. Like, I prefer you to take your shoes off before you walk in the house, but I'm not, like, saying you can never walk with shoes on. And you can have her over. I'm just saying. I'm not lying and saying I prefer you not to. I'm not saying that you're lying,

but I'm saying the person is going to have the conclusion that you would rather the person play an away game. And that's okay. Yeah, that's my point. So you're allowed to be home. But I would rather like... But I'm saying I'm not crazy.

I would rather go to a Middle Eastern restaurant than a sushi restaurant. But if we go get sushi, I'll be fine with it. Like, is that going to make you then go, we could never get sushi. She said she would prefer Middle Eastern. You know, it's like, I'll be fine with it. Like, is that going to make you then go, we could never get sushi. She said she would prefer Middle Eastern. You know, it's like, truly, that's the same analogy.

Like, I don't mind. It's not like I hate when she's there. But if you're giving me the choice, I would love the place to myself. You know? But then there are, what are you laughing about? I'm laughing about that that you're initially this conversation started with I never said that she can't

that I don't want her over here but then everything you just said is preference to her not being over there so don't you see how that is Noah will you mitigate this and decide who seems, am I allowed to have a preference?

But that doesn't mean I don't like when she's over. I'm not saying that you're not allowed. I don't like it. I'm just saying I prefer when she's not, but that's, it's like a slight preference of like having the place of myself. And it's not even slight. Like, would you rather me have a boyfriend over where I'm in my room and like not really engaging with you and not like hanging out as much. And that's that's it's fine that's what it is would you rather that or me go do that

somewhere else where you have the place to yourself of course even if I had the greatest boyfriend in the world which Brenna I have no I like having her around I love when she comes out and we all hang out that is not my issue it's the like staying in your room and feeling like when you come out you have to like kind of like it's quick and like oh hi it's like awkward it's i'm not saying i'm not saying that i'm i'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying i'm just saying that that my feelings uh because of your preferences i take that into account so therefore i go to her place that's all yeah but listen you can get sushi sometime i i'm not gonna be mean to you i don't think you would be i don't think you would be i'm not but you act

like i'm making it so like well i do it for you nikki i never asked you to i'm just saying i stated my preference and you can do what you want well if you told me that i prefer mexican food or sushi i would probably get sushi and it's not you know what i mean i don't know i don't know if i said i prefer mexican food my point is is that i don't know can you mediate this okay this is like a regular roommate thing i've gone through it myself but um i just feel for andrew a little bit because his girlfriend's gonna move to chicago and this just won't even be an issue in like what two weeks no i i hope he plays away games in that way too i hope he just goes to chicago

every night is my car already here oh shit they're coming in eight minutes fuck guys i gotta go we gotta wrap this up guys thanks nick thanks noah for figuring that out god damn these are like yes uh noah i gotta go uh then thank you noah you're right andrew i'm so sorry i i definitely made it i wrote on the door no brenna's allowed and i'm sorry about that doormat i got um it sent the wrong message and uh look it's fine I gotta go you guys I'm literally gonna be late for my flight I'll see you tonight Andrew or maybe I won't see you in Chicago hopefully you got the message

I'd prefer not alright thank you for listening this week you guys all the swells have a great weekend and we will see you on Monday Jackpot and Jack Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

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