The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #58 A 6 '4 Assistant

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

Between you and Nikki, your time is valuable! She also lets besties in a on a secret purchase before anyone else. Andrew is supportive of Nikki's new collector item and is learning a lot from his new zen book. They figure out the qualities of someone who would be good to assist Nikki and You Heard it Here First: the behavior of exe's and how to forgive using Nikki's real life experience. In the Reddit Dump, Nikki reads some of her favorite posts and ultimately in the Final Thought they discuss how not to lie to kids and how to deal with teeth straightening. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Nikki Glaser podcast Here's Nikki! Hey guys! Happy Tuesday to you. Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I love this show.

I hope you love it too. Um, I was thinking about it today. Noah. Hi Noah. Hi! In Arizona. Um, I was thinking about it today And I was thinking about

I think I was cleaning a bowl of oatmeal So I could reuse it And by cleaning I mean just like Casually My oatmeal bowl Is just Like all I put in it is oatmeal So when it's the residue from the oatmeal the day before

I don't really care if it's still there Let's heat it up and Let's reuse You know So I think I was I was just kind of letting my mind wander uh while I was sometimes I get the word wonder and wander different but I was letting it wander I said it right um and I was thinking about the podcast and I was thinking about how, I don't know. Oh, someone wrote to me on Instagram today, a DM that was like, that said, stop saying like. It was based upon, I was watching The Bachelorette last night and I was commenting on it and I said like a lot. And it was just some idiot that said, please stop saying like so much.

And I wrote him, stop DMing women that they say like too much so you have an excuse to write them and obviously there was a sorry there was another dm from him previous to that that i had not written back to that was something nicer but still not nice like kind of i obviously didn't write back because it was a gross dude talking to me that that would eventually go on to insult me and be like you didn't say like too much. And then I was just thinking about, oh, wait, what if he listens to the podcast? What if I say like too much on the podcast? Nikki, you know what?

The podcast is free. People don't need to listen to it. And I just go to that argument of, you guys, it's free. I just want to say it is not free. Because I respect that you, your time is currency. And so when people say things are free, you paying with your time so I respect that and I want to just say that I won't ever use that argument of it's free I will use the argument that you don't have to listen but you know when people are invested in something and and and you know when I go see a movie when I pay to go see a movie I saw horrible bosses in the theaters I know

that people really like that movie it was made a bunch of different times. I think there was maybe just horrible bosses too, but I walked out of the theater because I go, this is not respectful of my time. And it is disrespectful of me as a person who loves all of these actors individually. The script is not respectful of my sense of humor I walked out of that movie because it was just just quit your job don't kill your boss what is all of this and I didn't appreciate Jennifer Aniston being so slutty I think it was at a time that I just I couldn't see her in that light now on the morning show she's kind of more of a villainous character i would say someone that you have a lot of empathy for but i can now see her as anything i can expand my um acceptance of her as more than just oh rachel green who by the way is not a good person either the first season

of friends she's like she's trying to say like, she is completely, she knows Ross likes her. She shows up the first episode of Friends, and she is a total twat. She's dressed in a wedding dress, and she just calls Courtney Cox fat the whole time. And like, I was the popular one. You were fat. Let me live with you. I mean, it's just the premise of the Friends is ridiculous. And we all know they couldn't afford that apartment.

But what was i getting to okay so uh your time is is so when people go it's free just go no my time because that's what face you know that when you watch the social dilemma did you guys watch that last year it was the one that we all watched in quarantine and felt bad about our phones and and you should it's pretty much like social media is causing war and uh civil unrest and is the reason awful thing it's it's the word i mean terrible it just goes from like it makes teenagers depressed because it goes between a documentary to also scripted you know examples of how this is affecting a family. I mean, the mom putting the cell phone in a glass case and being like, no more phones. And then the kid breaks. It's just that was ridiculous. But the way that it affected the teenage girl and gave her depression. And

there's obviously great things about it. Like Omegle. I don't know. Omegle is the one where you just set it up and it's just strangers. It's chat roulette, right? Do you know about that? I have never heard of Omegle. Allie Makovsky, really funny comic, Allie Mack on Instagram. She's one of Joe Rogan's close friends and she's one of Andrew and I's friends too. She's a younger girl.

She does Omegle where she just goes on and it's like chat roulette, just different people around the world show up randomly. A lot of them are masturbating and she just has conversations with them. And I was thinking that would be a good way for me to practice guitar is to just have people gong show me like I'll just play and then eventually I mean I was thinking about maybe putting out a uh Maria Bamford does this thing for comedy where she's working on new material I might do it for comedy too to be honest with you you she tweets out does anyone want to go into a zoom right now I mean she does this when there was no pandemic she would just

find a person in a in her town and go meet them at a cafe and face to face to them do an hour of material at a cafe a random I mean she that girl is wild and it shows in her work that she takes it that seriously I would feel that that I don't even look people in the eyes know what when I'm on stage I blur my eyes because I don't want people to feel singled out like I have to laugh right now because I'm her only hope because when you because when you do stare at someone in the eyes when you're on stage if they're not already laughing they just instantly go because they're so scared that you might it's just a it's a weird response so I don't like that anyway I might do that for Taylor Swift uh like to to practice my guitar and to practice performing because I didn't

tell you this but on um well I guess I told you guys on Thursday I did perform a song on Thursday night at my dad's show I did perform a song on Wednesday night at a show in the valley um and I had so much fun on Thursday Wednesday night Jeff Dye sang with me and it was like this raucous bar and I was it was not like the best there was a fan on me blowing my hair back so I felt a little bit Taylor Swift Beyonce kind of thing which I am going to work into my tour and my special I had a call about my special last night that I'm you know planning ahead of time I'm shooting it in like November but I go I want three outfit changes I want a fan at one point for one joke I just think there should be like some a fan like blowing back my hair just and he's like is this gonna happen arbitrarily or are you gonna set it up I'm like I'm gonna set it up

but I'm gonna have like costume changes as I walk off stage I don't know why not I said I go I'm gonna be doing a million specials the rest of my life like they they're these things that keep going what's another it's like meals you know I always get sad at the end of a meal because I'm like it's over there's oh you're gonna get hungry again don't get so sad uh Christmas you know I when these things end sex I'm like like, when's the next time I went? Will I be horny again? I don't want this horniness to go away because it's the I never want. I just want a pleasure delay. But with these specials, they're going to keep coming.

I don't need to put everything I have into this one. It actually has to be exactly an hour long, which Glazedog really struggles with. So I'm going to have I'm'm just gonna it might be a total failure in terms of a very experimental but Bo Burnham special really opened my eyes to a person can do stand up in whatever the way they want now and I'm bored with a person with a mic. I just don't want to see it. Unless it's you know, I'd go see Brian Regan. I'd go see Chappelle. Chappelle mixes it up though. He's up there telling stories that don't have any punchlines to him. He's sitting, you know, like there's different tonal changes. I remember Louis CK saying that comedy, I always want it to be punch, punch, punch, punch, like

nonstop laughs because God, the silence equals, you might notice that my forehead is big. You might notice that I say like too much you might fit a there might be a pause in your mind where you're not laughing where you start to judge me and dislike me and that is I try to avoid those however Louis CK was saying well he said a lot of well he didn't say a lot of things let's be honest I'm waiting for him to say more but what he did say about stand-up comedy performance is that it's like a roller coaster if you went on a roller coaster and it was all just down the whole time, just the whole time you're going down, there's no, you need those valleys. You need the going up again where it's boring so that you enjoy the thing. So my, um, my set is going to be like, uh, the X factor at, um, six flags, magic mountain. I think that's the one. That's the

one that gave me an orgasm if you guys have been following the show. Noah, before we get to Andrew, three minutes left. Because I haven't told Andrew this. I haven't told anyone this shit. I've only told my sister. I'm whispering.

I'm only telling you guys. You guys cannot text Andrew. This is a secret. And he doesn't listen to the shows. He doesn't listen to my part. He probably listens to his. Okay. For the first time in my life I spent a crazy amount of money on something I did not need and I just wanted because I want it and I know that you're like Nikki there's no way

usually when I spend big money on something it's a car for my mom, a car for me, an apartment for me, a, um, you know, couch for my living, things that are necessary. The thing that I bought on a whim, I was walking my dog three days ago, Noah. And I was just like, I, I, you know, I just want, I want everything. I'm redecorating my house, like not redecorating, but I'm just trying to make my room cozy for the first time and really like the room that I've never had. I've never really put work into my bedroom. And this goes back to even when I was a child.

You know, I sometimes would do collages on my, of magazines. Like I had some really cool collages that I would have, I would literally pay, I would give away half my money to have those collages back. I'm not kidding you. Cause I would have, I would literally pay, I would give away half my money to have those collages back. I'm not kidding you. Cause I would get it back someday. I would, I would give anything to have those collages or just what I was interested in back there to kind of see. They were like vision boards almost, but they were on my whole panel of my closet door, two huge closet doors filled to the brim with collages. It was so cool. And it's like, why can't I do that again?

And have my room looks like a 15 year old's bedroom and you know it's not because I'm infantilizing myself it's not because I'm stuck at 15 it's because that is what makes me happy the wall behind me is pink and blue like a girly pink like I like girly things um and I'm not ashamed that my bedroom if I were to have a boy over would make them think I was 17 like it's a teenager's bedroom I have poster on the wall Taylor Swift poster on the wall oh the other day I also bought a Billie Eilish poster on uh at Target just because I was like fuck it I want like all the women who I admire on my wall poster style I took down the poster of Taylor Swift yesterday that I put up

without a frame because I was just like I want want this bitch up. She's inspiring. It's one of her songwriting and her heaving boob is like resting on her guitar. She like has her guitar flipped over and she's writing and her boob looks so good on the guitar, but I'm not sexualizing her. I'm sorry. It just reminded, it just, it looks like my, she looks like me in it and she's songwriting. So it inspires me. It's above my desk. Anyway, I took it off the wall and it's songwriting. So it inspires me. It's above my desk. Anyway, I took it off the wall and it ripped off all this paint. And my mom's like, why did you hang that? Cause she's helping me move stuff.

She's like, what did you use? And I go, I use top stick, which is like a fashion tape to like hold your shirts in. So your heaving bosom doesn't fall on your guitar. But, um, I bought a Billie Eilish poster. I also bought a picture, a poster of the map of the world because I want to not do the pin thing, but I just need to learn geography better. But here's what I bought. Noah,

this is insane. I was just like, I just go, you know what? I, I love guitar more than anything right now. As you guys know, I'm not good at it yet,

but I'm legit obsessed and I want to start collecting guitars. Like that's going to be my rich woman collection thing. Like John Mayer collects watches. He probably collects guitars. You know, like everyone has a thing. And I always feel bad because it's, well, guitar is a, not an essential item, but it's something I could play and use. But I have, I have two guitars already.

This guitar, I don't even know what kind of guitar it is, but I do know. Is that what you bought? Yeah. I went on eBay and I just typed in Taylor Swift signed guitar and I was like let me just see what I get and like what the price point is because that's a good investment uh for a signed piece of like something I just want more things with her signature on it I already have a folklore CD and the lover CD signed and uh her an early demo tape um that were all gifted to me there was a there's a pink guitar a pale pink which is like my favorite color even if the

guitar was just pink and didn't have taylor swift signature i'd be like i need that guitar because it's it just i want to hang it on the wall because it looks fucking cool it's just like a pink guitar but it has her signature on it it was going for you could buy it for two $29.99.99 or you could make your best offer and I go let me make an offer right like me let me and I was gonna go $2,500 but that's you know what this bitch deserves that like I don't want to lowball people and so I took off off, I go to 750, bid accepted. When you would get in a bid accepted on eBay, it feels like you won something even though you just lost $2,700 and 50 cents plus shipping.

I am having a guitar signed by Taylor Swift that is pink, sent to me. I've only told my sister. I didn't tell Andrew. It's the most expensive thing I've ever bought for literally no reason. I spend $6,000 a month for publicists to get me on podcasts and put me in 17 Magazine.

I think I can maybe spend $2,700 one time on a Taylor Swift signed guitar that is pink and so cute and like shiny. And I don't even know what kind of guitar it is. No, I literally have no idea. What is my dad gonna say when he finds out about this that's a shit guitar because there's a fan that's sending me a Dave Matthews band signed a Dave Matthews signed guitar there's a bestie I know that's insane you guys a bestie wrote to me and said my mom I want we wanted a silent auction

in high school I want a Dave Matthews signed guitar it's still at my mom's house she just is cleaning out her stuff she said what do you want me to do with this I said I know someone who wants it that this bitch instead of selling it said I know who wants it and is shipping it to me now that is a bestie and by the way I like that bestie just as much as the one that gave me a guitar pick all gifts are accepted and all are loved but I'm going to start collecting signed guitars of my favorite artists. That is my new collection. I've never had a hobby. Noah, do you collect anything? I don't collect anything, but I'd like to share some amazing advice that Nikki Glazer gave me

when I was wondering if I should buy a custom guitar. Okay. Which is right there in the background. Okay. Oh my God. What do you call it? And what do you mean custom? What did, so you just, so it's for you?

It's a handmade guitar. It's a handmade nylon string acoustic guitar. It's from a luthier, like a guitar maker. And I've always wanted to buy from him. A luthier? A luthier. Luthier. Why?

Yeah. Why can't it be a guitarier? I didn't make up the luthier. No, no, no. It's good to learn a new word so um i remember just kind of like debating like oh i have extra cash did i do it and you told me which is what kind of prompted me to just go out and buy it you said look a guitar can be a family heirloom you could pass it down generation to generation so it's just like, so I thought about that.

I was like, you know what? Nikki's right. I could just have this past my lifetime. God, can you imagine your son or daughter or like niece or nephew getting a guitar that was made for their aunt who they loved so much? And it's like this thing that they'll always, it's the cool, that is, that's a good friend. You should keep whoever gave you that. You should start a podcast with her.

I think I'm keeping her forever. No, that's a really good point. I do think, you know what? I kept some t-shirts this weekend when I was cleaning out my closet because I go, I want this to stay in the family. And I know that I'm so mad at this one t-shirt. I'm not mad at the t-shirt. I'm mad at my mom for not saving this MTV vintage t-shirt that she's wearing in a picture

of me as a baby. it would be so cool now and I just know that Poppy even though she's so poppy no I just know that Poppy someday I'll be able to give her these things or Arlo they're gonna be musical or not and also I was like oh I could resell it I'll never fucking resell a Taylor Swift guitar not never and um and I just it's an adult thing to do to collect dumb stuff that you don't really need. You know, people like, we should talk about collector's items, because most of them are so stupid, and you do inherit them, and you're like, I got my uncle's mugs that have the president's faces on them. What do I do with these? Can we just donate them to Goodwill? And it's like, no, they're your uncle's, and he had them custom made by a luthier.

And you're like, what's a luthier? I thought they made guitars. And they're like, it's guitars and mugs. Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning. Good morning.

I just told everyone the thing I bought that's crazy, that I only told my sister. This is like that Friends episode where everyone knows Rossoss's baby except me oh i'm ross i know i told i told the listeners you probably wouldn't listen to the first don't listen it's a guitar signed by taylor swift i'm just gonna tell you but i'm not telling anyone else but everyone now can hear it i got i spent i spent three thousand dollars on a guitar signed by taylor swift and it's pink and it's so pretty but what i was gonna say is that my dad is really judgmental about

guitars obviously and when i told him about the fan sending me um the bestie i forget your name i'm so sorry babe will you write me again to tell me your name so i can give you a proper shout out when that one arrives uh the one signed by dave matthews that the girl got in high school back in the early 2000s or maybe mid i don't know um my dad goes those are always cheap guitars those are always trash that they have people sign for auctions and i was like so i still want to have it on my wall and it's dave matthews signature do you remember noah how the first meeting i went to at serious do you remember that meeting when we were there together It was at this huge board meeting Where it was like

Nikki's Welcome Nikki to Sirius And there was a guitar Behind one of the important people That had Dave Matthews Signature on it And at the end of the meeting Maybe it was during it

I just interrupted someone And I was like Is that Dave Matthews signature And they were like Yeah and I was like Can I be alone with that At the end of this meeting Can you guys all like file out

And I could just And they were all like What I was like i'm not kidding you like could i lick that guitar just for a picture and they were all just like uh did he play that guitar he held it at least to sign it has taylor no no no i tried to find one that was played by her like i really did try to put on a uh a bid on the guitar she played at the acmas because there's this version of betty that she plays that i'm obsessed with it was the first song I ever learned and I would love that guitar someday and I'll get it, but I have to get richer and find the person who bought it. So what kind of guitar, what kind of guitar is it?

I don't even know. It's like literally, wait, no, can I tell you to anyone, to any luthiers out there, I'll, I'll tell you what kind of guitar this is. What is the dumbest thing you've, do you collect anything? Because my new collection is going to be signed guitars. Well, or like, you know,

signed things. Do we have any idea what the resale value of these are? I don't care about the resale. Is it verified? The resale value is nil. You're not, yeah, it's verified.

It comes with the, you know, the whole thing that they could have made up, but no, it's, it's really is verified. PSA and DNA, COA. What? I mean, I just up, but no, it really is verified. PSANDNA, COA, what?

I mean, I just spent, you know, $1,700 on golf clubs. That would be my equivalent. Oh my God. But they were signed by Tiger Woods. His penis signed it. Yeah, you did. What did you spend? But you spent $400 on clubs

that cost together like $18,000. They gave you a really good discount. Oh yeah, my boy Taylor made. Thank you, Garrett. See, $400 isn good discount. Oh, yeah. My boy at TaylorMade. Thank you, Garrett. $400 isn't, I mean, it's not nothing. No, I spent like $1,700. When? That was everything together.

Oh, but what about the $400 you said? The $400 was the driver, the putter, and two wedges. Okay. Which, that does come out to $1,000, but still. Okay. Anyhow. I just got this. I'm looking up the eBay thing to read the specs and i it says

a message from the guy that i bought it from or girl hello i apologize if this is unprofessional but if this is in fact nikki glazer the comedian i'm not selling you i'm just kidding i just had i thought it was going to be like i will not let you have this guitar i see how you treat your nice things i thought it was like my mom's friend or something. I just had to take this opportunity to tell you how much I love your work. I sent an extra gift along with your purchase. What? Please accept it with my best wishes for

your continued success. You're excellent at all the roasts and I hope to see you perform live one day. I've taken enough of your time already, so thank you again for the purchase and should you need anything more from me in the future, please don't hesitate to write in to me. I am at your service. Whoa Whoa give me this guitar for free I happily would have given you a large discount Had I known with certainty

You are in fact the Nikki Glaser Comedian extraordinaire Anyway thank you again for your purchase And Nikki Glaser the comedian or not I wish you and your loved ones the absolute best Take care Oh you guys they wish you the best You're my loved ones

From Mo Thank you Mo and it is me And I'll write back to you So let me just see what i'd also send back a venmo request no no no i am happy to pay uh for things that people you know i i just don't like i don't like to haggle i like to give people more than what it's worth well i don't have a lot of money so haggling's fun i get that i listen if but you know when you do have money i think it's your job to support the economy and pay for

things uh that but i don't even know this guitar it literally does not taylor swift autographed psa dna coa what does that even mean piece of shit i i mean i literally i'm trying to read oh it's a rogue rogue acoustic guitar made in china fine instruments you know what instruments not fine when it's underneath it it says fine instruments just to remind you in case you doubted um but it's just a glossy pink guitar and it's fucking sick can you look at it are you gonna put it on the wall are you gonna play it i'm gonna put it on the wall in a way that i can take it down whenever i want you know there's little hanging hooks yeah it's beautiful okay yeah worth it and i got a new fan and that i'm gonna hook up with free tickets and

i wouldn't who knows what the the gift is i love it i love it i think it's gonna make you happy you're gonna look at it you're gonna feel good you're gonna feel connected it might motivate you more to even play more andrew and i are on the same like it's so crazy how andrew and i are on the same wavelength right now it's almost like our periods synced up with our hobbies. Andrew is obsessed with golf. I am obsessed with guitar. He's practicing his putt in the living room, watching golf on TikTok,

going to two-hour lessons yesterday. I'm not doing lessons. He inspired me to do lessons because I was asking him yesterday, isn't it embarrassing when you think you're good at something and then you get lessons and that person's so good and then they like think that you're like bad and he's like no like what no man that's the best you want to be around better people I just don't want my guitar teacher to go oh boy this is a lost case I'm just doing this for the 50 bucks an hour or whatever it is there's no way they do that with you would feel

that you would know i had a teacher a vocal teacher tell my mother that my i didn't have it and it was a waste of money to even try so i have a little bit of anxiety about that and i know that that's just from my past trauma but i do have that thing of like i'm wasting people's time because i was starting the podcast today and i said you know when people say the podcast is free don't listen to it's free stop complaining it's not free it's time it to it. It's free. Stop complaining. It's not free. It's time.

It's yours. And that's what I learned in the social dilemma is that Facebook and all these companies, getting back to that, it's your time is that's what they're trying to get is your attention. If Facebook and Netflix and all these companies could come up with a way where you didn't sleep and you still consumed their stuff and had one hour a day to purchase the stuff they sold you, they be happy with that they want us to be literal mutants just like stuck on our phones they don't actually like us but that's the beauty of having a golf hobby or like i'm literally meditative i'm playing golf all i'm thinking about is the next shot i love what you tweeted yesterday about the the 46 things oh my god so true and same with guitar dude at any moment there's 46 things you can be doing right or wrong with a golf swing and it's so true it's like your hips your thumb your but here's the whole thing mind is you can't break down the swing because

if you start thinking about oh i gotta take it back right if i'm not taking it back right i'm not locking my hands i'm not locking my hands i'm not coming through if my hips aren't going through my but then that's gonna to make you swing hesitant. Yeah. Because that gets in your mind. Like you, I mentioned it before, but the Alexander technique is a way to carry your body so that there's this

state of flow and like meditation that could probably help both of us. But you said yesterday, you go, I'm reading a book called Zen golf. Look at what I have in my phone downloaded from when my guitar teacher recommended it back in the day and that i'm now reading i mean zen is like uh skinny skinny jeans it's like you know it'll sell you it's a good sell without you know what i mean yes um legit hold on it's at the very bottom if you do play golf i highly recommend this book and even if you don't play golf you could relate it to anything you do in your life it's it really is

like if you take in the buddhist ways and not like fucking be like oh yeah i'll just fucking breathe deep and shit and stop being like funny about it it really can help you like a million percent here's something that's kind of cool tell me if you're standing i know i burped that was cool that was cool i did like that here's something cool all right okay if you're standing right yeah let's say you're in a golf at any kind of position where you need to stand solid by the way the the book i got is called zen guitar i'm not joking you like we are on the same page okay and i love it keep going keep going and um if you are standing right and you think and i'm sure you've already done this before but if you think

about your your weight uh disposition it should be by your belly button like where if you want to stand like solid okay right and in your brain you think this is where my weight is by my thighs and by my belly button right but then if you think oh if you're tightening your shoulders and your arms and your brain is saying like that's where your mind's going to your legs are going to feel lighter so it's like it's so weird but it's like it's all mental and you can that's what i've been saying man everything's mental you can make a cold sore go away with your mind i did it i'm not joking like that's what i went with um exactly what you're talking about with uh fuck you just made me think of something

that i i just oh i wanted to find if anyone out there knows i want to put a couple shout outs out there for to solicit things before we get to the news listen up besties if you're zoning out listen in right now number one i need a vocal teacher i need a voice teacher to teach me how to sing and what i'm looking for is someone who has a zen approach who has a very visual approach of like picture this light in the back of your throat or picture um that because for me that's what's gonna make me believe that i can sing is that if i can do mental approaches not just like the airflow i know know it's about that, but I really want a holistic or a zen approach to singing. So if you know of someone,

I'll on Zoom, anyone, hook it up. And then secondly, I just want to let our besties know that right now I am looking for a assistant position, a local St. Louis assistant position to get groceries, fold my laundry. I'm not even joking. Like be in my life and and not be my

probably not be my friend because i'm gonna make you do a bunch of stuff that so i don't want you i'll be very nice to you i'm not nice not not not not nice to anyone but uh this isn't a position of like oh i'll get to be nicky glazer's friend but you will be in my life and get things for me and do like the dumbest because i just yesterday my mom goes nikki how are you rearranging your your butt you bought all this furniture you've given all this so much thought you get this art and like she goes i'm so proud of you you really got your room together and my mom knows what i came from in terms of and i go mom i don't want to do any of this shit i go i don't have time for this for this. I really don't. I don't like it. I don't

want to do it. And I want some help. I just got Instacart. But the thing is, someone goes and gets groceries for me and then they leave it in the lobby and I got to go down there and fill up a suitcase and then bring it back up and then put it away. I want someone to do that. And I know this is like first world problems, like Mariah Carey cribs. I just, if you are someone in the St. Louis area that has a car and no criminal record and has boundaries, shoot me a DM and let's talk

and you want to make some extra dough, I would love to talk to you and have you in my life because I can't do it anymore. And if you're 6'2 with brown hair and hazel eyes

and an eight pack. I want to go up to 6'4". I think 6'4 is the perfect height. 6'5"? For an assistant? For sure. Yeah, 6'5". You're going to be able to hang things for me.

You're going to be able to carry me places. So I'm looking for a 6'4 assistant. What if you got so... And you're going to work from 6 to 4. I just love picturing you getting carried around St. Louis. What if I was like, you guys guys I'm just tired of walking And I know that sounds like I'm a baby but I just don't want to walk anymore These stupid legs I have to move them

Just feeding myself has become So exhausting so if you could Put oatmeal into my mouth and then Clomp my jaw shut And then scrape my face like a baby and make a new spoonful of oatmeal for the stuff that i miss and make a new spoon that was a classic bit that was my first bit wait what baby like a bird wait let me i just want you know what i'll do it i'll do it when we get uh you know video so people can see but what i used to do in uh middle school

shout out to kirsten who by the way list I actually listened to the podcast this morning and I got a note from her that said I laughed so hard when you go burns body fat and then I go that was for Kirsten she was like whoa like she knew like I knew I'd get her but Kirsten I used to make everyone at the table laugh it was my first bit I would pretend I was a baby being fed so my arm was not mine so I'm a baby in a high chair and I would take my pudding you know jello pudding or the chocolate pudding and I would like put it in my mouth and the baby like you know what a baby you're feeding a baby and its mouth like doesn't move but it leaves it open kind of just like and then you put the pudding in and then the baby just kind of looks and then kind of spits it out and then you make a new spoonful by scraping around

the baby's face and then you put it back in i would do this whole thing i now know why boys didn't like me like that's what i was doing with an i i didn't think anyone was watching me but that's what i was doing it's kind of sexual the older you get yeah what i was i mean it looked like shit when i was doing it but i love pretending to be a baby it's so fun. So that's what I'm looking for. Let's get to the news. I can't wait to see these applications. I mean, just write, DM me, and please leave your profile on private

and have like a picture of your face. Don't send a dick pic. Oh, I get tons of those. Send them. I don't even look at them. They're always blurred. Okay, wait, we got to listen to the ear. I heard it here first. Okay, let's do it. You heard it here They're always blurred Okay wait We gotta listen to Heard it here first Okay let's do it

You heard it here first Yeah you heard it here first I can't I'm sorry I can't not do it You heard it here first You heard it here first We do have the best

Little sound effects Before things I have to say Hope you're having A great time out there All the swells Every single one of you Even you Jeff

Jeff Yeah some guy I'm bad Oh I thought it was My ex-boyfriend Jeff You're having a great time out there. All the swells. Every single one of you. Even you, Jeff. Jeff? Yeah, some guy. I'm bad. Oh, I thought it was my ex-boyfriend, Jeff. Oh, yeah. He's probably listening. He never even cared about things I did when we were together.

Why do I feel like he's never listened to one podcast? Oh, no. He was into podcasts. Really? Oh, yeah. He was brilliant. All right. So is that what makes you brilliant?

No, but he was into the best show With Tom Sharpling and He was into that way early In the day I remember he would play clips From these shows and it was one of the Reasons I fell in love with him I fell in love with the first Guy that I had sex with because he introduced me To Opie and Anthony like it's always radio That gets me into guys

We used to listen to Opie and Anthony and I was Just like obsessed with them and And and also david spades take the hit the special that's my favorite special from my one of my best friends now i also that was my guy who lost my virginity too and then um jeff my first boyfriend he would always play me tom sharpling and john worcester clips from the best show and there was one from like pre 9-11 like it was from 2000 where john worster this character actor comedian guy calls into the best show which is hosted by tom sharpling he has a new book out by the way he is fucking brilliant i can't wait to read it when i decide to start reading again if you get a new boyfriend that tells you to but yeah yeah if i if i meet a

guy who's into books i'll be like yeah look i just got this new book from Tom Charlene. And then, but it was like, this guy calls into the radio. I'll, I'm going to play it someday in here. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. And because it was so funny, I just like fell in love with the guy who introduced me to it. I love, I love radio if you haven't noticed. And I love sharing it with someone and listening in bed. We got to get to the news. I'm sorry.

All right. First thing. These are some signs that your ex is pretending to be over you oh not that he is over you uh-huh that he's pretending oh i like this i love this news we are just like this is like breaking news i think cnn is doing a special report on this tonight by the way anderson cooper uh well the delta variant no okay ready okay they're giving mixed signals okay they're keeping in touch with you they may be over you in terms of romantic relationship but still need and want all the things you can give them they flirt with you they're bringing

up memories they fuck you i mean like these are very obvious they're begging for you back they are showing up at your window with a boom box and it's raining um i mean yes are any of these like no what well i think these are the types of things that you look up when you want so desperately for your ex to not be over you know when you google like signs i remember feeling in love and i go signs you're in love and you just want to read about like am i is the checklist true but the only checklist i ever can like answer all the things too is like an eating disorder one yeah and so many people google search exactly what they already got the answer to yeah yeah it's like they're going

backwards by searching it um i think you've only had one or a couple x's in your life only one recent x yes and you were so good andrew about when that was over it was like don't want to follow like i'll mute her i'm not going to unfollow but like i don't want to see her i don't want my friends to tell me a picture she posted i would see this girl post pictures and i would want and i would want to be like andrew did you see that you know she always looked great and um but i don't and you could hear that wait a second i didn't she did but it doesn't matter because now you're you have a new girlfriend so now it's like out of the woods of you not wanting to hear about that girl why muted her i didn't unfollow her that's why i said yeah uh i

felt like an unfollow was kind of rude i don't know maybe mute is worse now that she knows but she that's that's for you that is okay you didn't mute her because you hate her it's like to be reminded of someone that you were attracted to and liked. Like, you're trying to be over it. If your friend, if you feel like your friend is really over someone and you send them photos of them

like dancing on the beach. Look at her new boyfriend. Fuck you. Don't do that. Fuck you. Except if you're Nikki Glaser and you're asking your friends to monitor a guy who has blocked you

Robin I still want everything I think we're different we're very different in that regard no I know you because here is my biggest complaint about guys like this please listen up if you are one of these guys did I talk about the deleting the texts thing Noah okay Andrew does this thing and everyone does it it's so funny i was talking to your girlfriend the other day she had no idea you did this and she goes have you done that to me and i go he's 100 done it to you but this is what happens andrew when he nikki's trying to get me fired no i'm not i'm trying i was just having an honest conversation it was i thought it was a cute quirk of yours you were having so many honest conversations in front of me where i was like i

don't even know if i've talked about this yet with her i know i'm sorry i don't mean to do that to you i really don't i just think that you have told her that but this one didn't seem that bad this one's adorable so andrew does this thing and i think a lot of people do this a lot of men i'm listening talking to you men and women if you tend to do this it's really not cool and i want to tell you why and i understand why you do it can i can i argue that it is cool and can noah yes okay so the the thing that we're arguing about is when and this is either when you're drunk or in a state of um just vulnerability and maybe you text some stuff that you are embarrassed by and let's say the person doesn't get back to you and it doesn't go the way you want it to and the texts either are drunken and embarrassing or they're just you know vulnerable you're not

drunk but it's like late at night and you're horny or something and you send off texts that are just embarrassing right or maybe even like you know you haven't heard from someone all day and you go hey how thinking about you how you doing even something like that that's just like oh just sat there what andrew will do and what many people do is they will delete that text, not because they think it's not going to show up on that person's feed, but because when they they don't want to be reminded of the embarrassing thing that they did. They don't want it sitting there when they pull up the text again. Now, Andrew, I would like you to defend this behavior and then I will come back and tell you why it is completely backwards and dare i say emotionally abusive here's the thing i think there's two different ways of why someone would delete it one if they did something fucked up and they don't want to see their own bad behavior or two maybe you ask

someone for something in a completely uh you know nice way and you don't and it doesn't turn out the way uh so like i'll ask someone to do my podcast and or and i think that they should be doing it or whatever and they don't either respond or they respond flippantly i'm like fuck that conversation i don't want to see that conversation where i feel like i was treated not to the like the point of where i was what i should be treated you see that again just in case you text them again why would i because i feel like someone that rejected your podcast you wouldn't keep texting with them so it would just go down in the feed you know what i mean i guess it would go down in the feed but i was just

like i don't want to see it that day right got it so so i just delete these things it's like why would you delete trash you know you just want trash to get away like you don't want to keep trash in your fucking kitchen yeah okay so it's nothing like but if i was doing something where i felt like i was the asshole or i was like vulnerable like then i would be like oh you deleted that shit that you wrote to me you know what i mean i think that's like a different thing before of when you've maybe written to girls i know this in the past you've written to girls and said something that like was maybe even if i said brenda goes have you done this to me?

And I go, he's definitely done it to you. So it's not even someone that's rejecting you. You might just say a little bit too much to Brenna. One too many sentences back when you guys weren't official and you weren't as safe in your relationship. And it maybe made you feel like a little bit vulnerable. Right? Like, can we admit that that's maybe happened?

I'm just, I'm honestly trying to think of a time where that happened and I. Here's my argument. Let me just. I think it happened to you that happened to you i know you've done this with girls before because i've asked you what did you send her and you go i already deleted it i can't tell you so i know this is happening i know i'm just trying to think when i did it like why it was probably before bretta i mean i know i mean i definitely know it happened with girls before bretta but like during bret, it's happened with Bretta. I just would.

I would bet ever. I would bet my Taylor Swift guitar on it because it's not a bad thing. And it's not like you said anything wrong to her. I'm not trying to like defend. I know. But what I'm saying is like, because I deleted. You'll get it. You'll delete things you send to me probably because it's just like a bad interaction.

Oh, for sure. But here's my defense, Noah. This morning. Here's the thing This has happened to me Where guys Will Say something vulnerable On text

Or they Are drunk And they will delete The vulnerable Nice thing That maybe showed Their feelings too much Or maybe

You know In a negative Or positive way Maybe they were like Nikki I just don't like you As a You know Whatever

Or I'm seeing someone else Or whatever it is They kind of Or they tell me like I've You know I't like you as a, you know, whatever, or I'm seeing someone else or whatever it is. They kind of, or they tell me like, I've, you know, I think about you all the time and their defenses are down because they're drunk or vulnerable, whatever it is. Then they will delete that text. Uh, and maybe everything I reply, uh, because they don't want to face it the next morning when they're either, so there'll be drunk and delete it still, or they'll delete it in the light of day when they're sober and feeling like disgusting guess what happens over time let's say i don't talk to that person for uh six more months because sometimes this

happens with people who have been in and out of my life six months later i will still have that exchange in my phone so when we make plans to meet up i will remember it and not like i forgot but it will be something that i feel you need to be accountable for. You told me that you think about me all the time, that you want to date me, whatever it is, this vulnerable thing. Now to you, because you were drunk when you sent it and you were probably drunk when you erased it an hour later, you, it never happened to you.

So this thing that's on my mind that I feel like we need to discuss and I want us to be accountable for, you get to live in a world where it didn't happen where I the person who received it have to live in a world where it did happen and then I'm gaslighted by the person when I approach the coffee we get together or the lunch we get together and I and I have this kind of like feeling towards this person that confessed something late at night when they were drunk I didn't know they were drunk and maybe I thought when they were drunk, they would maybe remember it because I remembered some things when I was

drunk. So I'm coming to this lunch or whatever we're doing to with, with a different vibe because of what actually happened. And you're coming to it with this amnesia and it's not fair to me or to the person that you erase the text of because that was a real interaction. It's not trash. And it informs the way we continue. And when you get to,

that's why I hate when people get drunk and wasted and they go, this is how I really feel. And they're like, no, listen to me. This is like, when I'm drunk, I'm being honest. My mom used to do it. I have a joke in my act, but my mom only used to be able to say I love you to me, like really, really say it when she was drunk and that is something i have i do not judge my mom for that that is just she it she

didn't grow up in a house that said it a lot so when she got drunk she felt more vulnerable to say it so i knew my mom loved me but i only knew it when she was drunk and she wouldn't remember saying it and i had in my act the joke where she the next day she'd be like nikki i didn't mean anything i said and i'm like you said you love me and she's like yeah it's too soon i i'm sorry i didn't mean to say that you know but that's that's why i feel like erasing text is being blackout drunk and the person that witnessed it's just like being blackout drunk you get to do things and behave in a way that you're so embarrassed by the next day no one even fucking talks about it if you come from an alcoholic home you know this people get drunk and then you witness it you witness their rage or their amorousness that comes out of nowhere and then the next day you still

have that hurt of the thing they said when they were drunk in your heart you still have the feeling that you got when your mom told me you love she loved you and then the next day it's gone and it's gone and there's a rage behind it because they we don't talk about it alcoholic homes never talk about what happens when people are drunk and that's what triggers me to hate these things where it's like nope blackout yeah that was a blackout that text i'm just gonna take it away no i dealt with that especially with my mom being an alcoholic yeah and she would like i'd come home and she'd be out of her mind and call me an asshole and shit and the next morning you feel bad for even bringing it up like you're somehow the asshole

yeah they get really mad they go what you're embarrassing me yeah like i didn't say that i was like oh you said it i remember it my mom once i pulled david david hasselhoff's daughter once oh my god was she eating a burger no but it was just you know i was a young kid with a camcorder and i just knew i didn't understand what being drunk but it was just, you know, I was a young kid with a camcorder and I just knew, I didn't understand what being drunk felt like. And now I know and I have a lot more compassion. I wouldn't have done this. I do like that you did it with a camcorder

because it's so big. Like, how were you sneaky about it? I wasn't sneaky because when she's drunk, she didn't care. She wanted to like, you know, be on camera. And then I showed her the next day and I'll tell you, she didn't have another drink for quite some time like that

made her be embarrassed her and she saw what we saw and it felt so validating to be like this happens i know you don't remember it but it happens and i would never do that again to her because i now know that and first of all my mom does not drink like that anymore my mom um but i i wouldn't do that now because it doesn't it doesn't help when people don't want to get fifth grade fourth grade fifth oh that young yeah yeah that was probably fourth or fifth i know the house that it was in and i remember how mad she was and how we didn't talk about it she just turned it off and we never talked about it so it wasn't like it opened up a discussion it just shamed my mom which if you've ever tried shaming doesn't work with people trying to get people sober or anything it just doesn't

work what works is compassion more yeah um and it's it you know it backfires for a while though she was so embarrassed that she didn't drink and it but that's why i i get triggered by these things where you like oh you can just delete it from your memory i get that because it's deleted from you remember how you responded to that person that said these things like oh i do like you did you write yeah no it's in my phone i know what did you write back um it's so nice to hear that um i feel the same way oh really yeah okay yeah like i i felt so you responded positively like i could see him deleting it because you were like yeah I'm not feeling that or whatever but if you responded positively yeah fuck even if I said no don't delete it like just be accountable I know accountable here's the other thing going back to

that article because you said about compassion is that that's how you finally figure it out with an ex you don't you don't point fingers you't tell them. You literally have a conversation that's compassionate. And that's the way to get answers of whether they're still into you, whether it's over. And then you can move on. But it has to come from a place of like from your heart. Can I tell you? Yeah. I know we got to get some more news, but I feel like this is just important.

I wanted to talk about it. The other day, I got a email from one of my exes and if you are a nikki glazer fan from back in the day you know this story i've been telling it for years dated guy who's a rapper and he i broke up with him because we were long distance and i just like wasn't feeling he liked he was capable of loving me and he was a really good person and it freaked me out and i was I was an alcoholic I was bulimic I was all the things hiding from all these things from him and um hated myself and the fact that he loved me really grossed me out and I became repulsed honestly and broke up

with him but it was convenient because I was starting my MTV show I had like I we were long distance he was in LA and I was in New York and i broke up with him it's felt amicable the next a month later he was supposed to do a show with me open for me on the road and i said let's we're still friends just come do the show i was thinking maybe we'll hook up he goes to the show he tells me he wrote a song about me which he had done before he wrote a song about a rap song about how cute i slept he's a great rapper his name is actually when he's uh went by mc mr napkins back in the day but he's he was so fucking hot i i pursued him for so long i finally got him he is brilliant and so he's such a good rapper and it's always like funny for me to say i dated a white rapper but it's it's no joke like i i was attracted to him because he was so talented and um it stands that way kind of ahead

of the curve too i mean this is pre is this after eminem oh yeah i mean how old do you think i am um so anyway he did he wrote a rap song about me and told me hey do you mind me performing this on the show and i thought we were cool even though we're broken up i said yes do it he did a song about how i had bad breath one time an entire song about how i had really terrible breath one time after i ate the salad drunkenly and we were making out and it was humiliating and the audience was like puking in their seats they didn't know it was about me but I did and it was so embarrassing because I told Emmy Blotnick who was opening for me too we're in the back and I go he wrote a song about me and she's like oh my god so I cry I go in the back I cry I have Mike Kaplan set to cry and then I go up in headline and he got off stage and I said don't

ever talk to me again I never want to speak to you again the rest of my life and uh he tried and tried and i go please know that literally i'm not joking never a word to me again why did you take that so harshly do you think looking back because it was just it was just it was set out to hurt me he had written that song to hurt me because he was hurt and it felt so deliberate it felt like a slap in the face honestly it felt like abuse where it was like you can't hit me even once like you took you you wound your arm up and you decided to hit me it was it was calculated it wasn't just like a flip he goes you write jokes about guys i go it takes me two seconds to write a joke you sat at a cafe and tried to rhyme dumpster mouth with uh helps her out you know like he had to go on a rhyming

dictionary to write this whole thing And it was really A good song And he said I'll never do it again He wrote me this email He was like And I didn't forgive him

Years later He wrote me on Yom Kippur He is Jewish He's a lovely Jewish man With a single mom Raised by a single mother Rabbi mother

Really spiritual Just a good person He's vegan He was vegan Before anyone was vegan And just for ethical reasons good person and he um he wrote me on yom kippur asking me for forgiveness about five years later and i said yeah you yes i will forgive you and all of a sudden i was able to listen to rap again i was

like happy i didn't want to be friends with him i just go i forgive you from a distance i didn't really forgive him because i was still really a diseased person probably still in my eating disorder i think i wasn't oh and i quit drinking two nights before this rap thing it happened so i had nowhere to put my hatred for him i couldn't booze it up i just hated him and i made it my goal to ruin his life because i felt so hurt by him and so not ruin his life but make him feel the pain forever of what he did to me in that moment which wasn't't that bad. It was actually funny. It made for a lot of podcast content. So anyway,

Noah, to get to the point, final thought for like already at the end of the show. He wrote me the other night and, oh, I revoked the forgiveness, by the way, the Yom Kippur forgiveness.

I took it back because he went on Pete Holmes's. You made it weird and talked about it. If you want to listen to the story from his perspective, it's actually went on. You made it weird. And he did not want to tell the story. pete like made him tell it so it was kind of rude of me to get mad at him about that because he was kind of coaxed and telling it again he opened the wound i was like fuck you wait how did you revoke it did you send an email no i just

said i said it out loud on every podcast because i go i'll stop talking about on podcasts i was mouthing off about it for years and i go you know what i'm gonna get over this and just move on and then i go revoked and i started talking shit about him again he wrote me he heard me on comedy bang bang which is uh Scott Ackerman's podcast he heard me and he goes uh he wrote me and said hey I heard you on CBB and um I loved it and it sounds like you're doing really well if you ever wanted to you know bury the hatchet so to speak he kind of said uh I would love to I wrote back instantly and said yes here's my number let's connect I am so I have so many apologies to give you and then he texted me I go at first I was like how is your life how are you he's like I'm good I'm like I've been good too but we haven't talked in 10 years so I've been

through ups and downs but right now I'm good and I go he goes if you ever want to talk on the phone I couldn't really talk at the time I was cleaning my my room. And he lives in LA. And I was like, we could get together. I go, let me just do this. So I wrote an entire apology, a twin tower of text, and took accountability for all of my parts in it. Not once did I say, you shouldn't have done this or whatever. I explained why it triggered me. I was like, I was an alcoholic at the time.

I felt an innate disgustingness inside my body. So for someone to have kissed me and said I tasted like a dumpster it was just the worst thing that it was just a bad it was a perfect storm of things and I said I made it a sport to hate you for nine years it was fun for me and it was gross that I did that and I just apologized and he wrote back like we are I go Zach we are better off than if we were best friends right now. Like the love I have for you is so, and appreciation, like I have a new friend in my life. Wait, what did he write back to the Twin Tower? Let me just read it.

Cause this is, this is how you apologize. I know, Noah, I'm sorry. We're skipping the news today because this is breaking news. This is news. So he, I didn't even store his number yet, but here goes he goes this is what i said to him um i said i will duff tell you all of this in person would be happy to get on a call someday but for now i'll just say it felt great to hate you off and on for the past nine years i'm embarrassed and sad to admit that but it's true i was not a mature person and you were a scapegoat for all of my rage i'm really sorry for anything i

did to make you feel alienated or shame because i used to to, I'd see him at like JFL in Montreal and I was like the toast of the town that year. So everyone was friends with me. He would walk in the room and I would like turn my back. So everyone would then turn. I mean, I was a bully to this guy. I was so hurt.

I said, it wasn't fair. I did not have other means of coping with my lack of self-worth. I quit drinking five days before that show. So it was easy and fun and soothing for me to pin it all on you. And that stupid song I was definitely an alcoholic when we dated And struggled with feeling innately gross

So I just think that song was just my biggest fears come to life You had no idea that would be my response Neither did I, ugh, I was such a baby And although I still think the whole story is so funny I'm no longer filled with venom for you And I'm so sorry it took me so long, damn long To get to this place, and I'm sorry you were the one Who had to reach out first

I do remember forgiving you via email once and then revoked it when i heard you on pete's podcast lol which should not have set me off like it did but i guess back then i just wasn't ready to realize my part in all of it and now i know you can't move on from something until you do so i'm there now and i'm ready to move on if you are and i would like permission now to read zach's response but he said I 100% accept any and all apologies you want to make and I appreciate you saying everything you said here I'm definitely going to need to reread it and absorb it man this all feels like ancient history but it's also so fresh but I think the thing I really want to say is that I'm so unspeakably sorry I wrote and

performed that song it was such an awful mistake I felt cringe cringely terrible about it ever since that night and while there may have been some perfect stormy circumstances that made everything play out as badly as it did, I am so sorry, Nikki. I just owe you the biggest, most abject apology. I also had so much growing up to do and I was really sad and confused about my life when we were dating. And it just added up to some terrible decision making. It was just such a bad, ugly incident. You're right. It's also, it's hilariously bad. And I played such a central role in setting off, in it setting off.

And I honestly feel so grateful that neither of us died of COVID or some dumb shit before I got to apologize like this. I'm also good about us, especially now that I've had gotten to say this and ready to move on too. Thank you for reading this mea culpa and for receiving my email and text so graciously today. I always thought you were so funny and cool and terrific.

And it makes me feel really good to know that we have grown up and can be at least basically cool with each other. It's really wonderful. Thank you. That is how you forgive. And then I blocked him because I don't want to see my ex. Like, yeah,

you deleted that. Delete that right now. He has a new girlfriend now and his life is great. I was just like, okay, but I'm so, what if he just wrote back to that whole thing? Are you brushing now?

Are you, Are you flossing Man my breath did Really stink that time I remembered the kiss That he wrote about too Were you backstage Going like this I mean

The rest of my life Has been going like that That was the news Sorry I Hijacked it But I think That's gonna help some people I think so for sure

Sorry there's an ad playing Cause I'm pulling up Reddit I think that should definitely be Song lyrics For you You know what That's what Jeff Tweedy said When you write song lyrics

Go through Record conversations And just take out bits of Pieces What you were writing Almost sounded like a song It had a rhythm to it Thank you

I might do that I'll write a song About my bad breath song Okay Let's get to Reddit dump Oh I've got some Really good ones today

You guys and thank you so much to the nikki glazer subreddit that said um does anyone else follow subreddits that nikki talks about on the reddit dump and i just like felt so seen so uh i love this there's a couple things here for you andrew but this one i thought would be fun for us all to play pull up your phones get this one ready and pull up your google history we're gonna do this one next for now, just pull it up so we can get it ready. I'm just going to share one in the meantime where we're looking that up. Ask Reddit. This one is from Ask Reddit. That is one of my favorites. If you're not subscribed to that and you're on Reddit, you're crazy. It said, what hobby will you never understand? And someone said,

this is a great comment. Listen to this. Someone'm pretty i'm a pretty bad golfer showing no real signs of improvement and i'm absolutely addicted to it i have no explanation and then someone else commented like charles bark like charles barkley goes from being one of the best athletes in the world in basketball then decides to spend much of his free time being one of the worst golfers on the planet the allure must be crazy and this is what someone said to that which i thought was just all such andrew stuff as a dilettante golfer myself my personal opinion is and could be of a couple things one the allure of that one good shot in 20 where everything comes together and you hit the perfect shot spending time with good friends outside in nature shooting the shit and enjoying life so uh golf is a walk

in the park with friends and sometimes you hit a ball happily addicted for 41 years and someone says this is what i've compared it with comedy which she touched on before this is another comment what i tell people who have never played is that once you hit that first really well struck shot and it goes high and far the first time you kill essentially it's like a drug you just can't wait to try and replicate that feeling. Still love to play after 30 plus years. Is that nailing it for you? I mean, yeah.

I just think about the arrogance of someone that's unbelievable at a sport and then being terrible and being like, it's fucking golf. Like Charles Barkley being like, I fucking played in the NBA. I played in the hardest sport possible. And I can't hit a fucking little white golf ball 100 yards? This little bitch is doing it. A game that fat old men can easily do,

or tiny little Asian women? I would play golf with baseball players in college, and I would beat them. And they'd be like, I don't get it. You're still drunk from the night before. Because they're so arrogant. Golf, you need to let go of all that shit. That's why it's a beautiful sport.

Here's a hobby that someone said they don't understand, and I will co-sign on this big time. People that entirely redecorate and refurbish their homes every year. Costs a fortune, time wasted, and you never have a home you can live in as it's always in a state of change. Holla fucking loo-ya on that one.

All right, I really agree. I don't want to marry someone who does that. I can't be with someone who loves to redecorate. I don't want to marry someone who does that. I can't be with someone who loves to redecorate. I don't get it. I just want to buy a house and it be done. I hate redecorating,

but I do understand people love it. Okay. This is also on Ask Reddit. This is why I asked you to pull up your phones. The last person you searched up on Google has sex with you.

Who would it be? Oh. Who's the last person you searched? I know who I searched. Who? But it's because of one of the articles it's fine selma hayek all right that's a good one yeah i mean i were i really lucked out

that's a really good one oh my god noah who do you have what person you're like a guitar son but taylor swift no the last person i looked up was esther perel royce gracie who no esther perel because she has a new game out and I wanted to figure out how to get it. A game? She has a game? Yeah. A card game.

Esther Perel, if you don't know who that is, she is a doctor, a sex therapist, couples sex therapist and one of the leading thinkers and minds about sex and relationships

and she's taught us so much. She has great books called The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. And now she has a new game called Boggle Pro. It's like she just has a new board game out. It's called Where Should We Begin? Oh, that's the name of her podcast as well. A Game of Stories.

Oh, great. Oh, I want to check that out. How do you play the game? I'll tell you we only have a couple minutes we'll learn it later uh mine is olivia munn and john mulaney because i searched i i just typed in actually olivia john mulaney so um i where are they at right now they there was a picture of them in people magazine eating lunch together and looking like they were having fun it's obviously staged a picture of them enjoying themselves, but they're dating, so I'm going to fuck both of them.

And that's exciting for me. Thank you. So here... Who would you rather fuck between the two of them? Olivia Moon, because she's into the same stuff I'm into. Just look up what she made for Chris Pine back in the day, the pictures that she wrote on. Oh, boy.

All right. Just going to say that. Here is, this is so funny, Andrew, and I want to know if this is like a very well-known sports thing. This said, this isn't our videos. This is the Subreddit videos. I love that we're getting to sports on a Tuesday.

This is everything. This is your sports moment. Six years ago yesterday, says someone on videos. They're posted. This is the caption. Six years ago yesterday, entirely unprompted, Bob Costas, famous St. Louisan, by the way. He made the top 50 St. Louis. There was a list yesterday, by the way.

Riverfront Times, the cool newspaper in town. The 50 most famous people from St. Louis ever. I'm not on it and i believe you i wouldn't think that i would be on it until i saw the list and i deserve to be in the fucking top 10 because there's no it's nelly cedric the entertainer me john ham carly claus uh kimmy uh rick berry or whatever what's his name chuck berry is not from here um maya angelo's from i mean it's it but it drops off around 11 so sharply and i'm so i only got to learn to do it because people go where's nikki glazer so thank you on that so six years ago today entirely unprompted bob costas this is so funny descended on pedro

stroop stroop okay descended on pedro stroop with the most unnecessarily savage pieces of commentary in baseball history. So I guess Pedro Stroop made some kind of bad sports moment, right? And this is Bob Costas talking about it as Pedro walks to the dugout after what he did. I hit golf balls with Bob Costas. You did? Yeah, it all comes full circle. I've seen him at Walgreens. Mott is on his way in.reens mod is on his way in strobe is on his way out okay strobe is pointing he's he's a guy walking to he's on his way out he's pointing at the sky kissing the sky and pointing up to the sky okay

as bob's saying this as he's walking back okay let's on his way in strobe is on his way out pointing toward the heavens we can only ask or wonder that he is asking some departed relative for forgiveness for this atrocious performance what the hell was that i want to ask joe buck about this is this like legendary of like i mean it's so good so because he did something bad in the outfield and is being brought in, Bob Costas thinks that he's pointing at heaven to ask a dead relative for forgiveness. I mean, that is wild. That's wild. Okay, we got to get out of this.

I mean, what do you think about that? I mean, it's a very common thing for people, but the response, fantastic. This is so, so freaking freaking cute i can't even stand it this is how you talk to children i'm obsessed there's this guy i guess on tiktok and they they repost it this is on the subreddit made me smile and it's this guy talking to little uh black kids i just have to be honest that they're the cutest little black kids he's a black guy and he's asking them if they're smart and then he asked him a question which they're all poppy by the way i've seen this and the way he says the way when they answer it wrong how this is how you answer a child when they're wrong okay and he's not lying by the way this is why i love this so

much he never lies to them and says they're right you know who is shakespeare oh, hold on. Why is it? Are you smart? Who is Shakespeare? Oh, that's my cousin. Your cousin? My cousin. That ain't your cousin. That's my cousin. That's both of us cousins.

That's both of our cousins. Okay, good job, Jabria. Lori, are you smart? You see? Okay, now, Miss Bilingual Queen, we we hear you what do you eat at a picnic hamburgers hamburgers who makes them me do you season your meat no glory i ain't coming to your cookout ever i ain't coming i ain't ever come to your cookout okay you season your meat okay good Okay, I'll seize him. You seize him, you'll meet him. Okay, good job. Jaden, are you smart? Yes. What country do we live in? The hood.

The hood? Yes. Okay, good job. Brext, are you smart? Him saying good job. This is the cutest one. Him saying good job instead of no, that's wrong. I mean, let's listen to that as like parent like it's

teaching me how to deal with my nieces and neph and niece and nephew and how to really like talk to them and not lie i don't like lying to children uh final thought okay good job brext are you smart yes what do you put in a balloon to make it float? Mickey. Mickey? The mouse? Yeah. What?

He got like some magical powers to make balloons float or something? Yeah. I mean, I guess Braxton, good job. Like the kid just says some nonsense and the guy turns it into like an answer. Well, he's not shitting on creativity. Yes, good job. So even if the answer is wrong it's creative and so then it allows them to feel free to say things that necessarily they wanted in the future but at what age do you go shakespeare's not your cousin like at what age is it probably appropriate they probably actually do have a cousin named shakespeare that's a good name it's a fucking great name yesterday the kids came over uh my niece and nephew came over

And unannounced Like I didn't My mom was over helping me hang stuff And put up furniture And work on hanging myself someday And just finding a good What was Norma Donald's joke? You can hang yourself on anything in our kitchen

Thank you You're welcome Oh my god that's so nice The kids stopped over with my sister My sister just needs a goddamn break you know she just wants to share the and my mom's like we had work to do the kids came over i'm like this bitch deserves a break yeah i go lauren you come over anytime you want to and i did feel bad for you because you don't sign up to be as my roommate like you

got to play with the kids and like i don't mind i had a breakthrough with both your kids oh my god they love you so much the pictures i took of andrew and the kids and like, I don't mind. I had a breakthrough with both your kids. Oh my God. They love you so much. The pictures I took of Andrew and the kids, I like, I was looking at my phone and I'm pulling up my pictures and they just, I have all these pictures of you guys. You're really good with kids. Like anyone who would like look to you as husband material or like a dad material, like would swoon with you with kids. I give Andrew one year and four months and he's gonna be a dad what what

nine months like that means he's gonna get someone pregnant soon or you mean like six months from now okay one year and nine months fertilize an egg one year nine months and he's gonna be premature based on what you just said before you added not you you didn't add nine months to what andrew was a preemie so that's true we just found that out i am a preemie yeah andrew didn't know he was a preemie i mean i don't i don't know what considers a preemie if you're eight pounds eight ounces you're you're a big old preemie boy that is a big preemie it's so funny though you were saying that about the kids because i augie had money and we gave him a dollar and i go you put that dollar in the bank tomorrow it's two dollars the next day it's 1.8 million dollars and my sister-in-law goes that's you don't just say that to a kid like yeah it's a lie but i was like santa it was like a joke but i realized like no

he's just gonna take me serious you know what i mean like yes like they don't understand jokes i mean obviously that joke's don't understand jokes i mean obviously that joke's not great anyway so and he doesn't probably understand what 1.8 million means you know in comparison to two dollars but uh yeah i i if i ever have kids i'm not doing the santa lie i just won't i i just what are you gonna say um i'm going to say that there is this thing that we all like to like celebrate that I still like Santa, even though he's not real. Like I still like the festivity of like, there's this jolly man.

I'll be like, they're a bunch of dumb, a lot of parents lie to their kids and pretend like this man comes down the chimney. It's honestly very ridiculous. You should always be skeptical about anything an adult tells you, especially when it defies physics and logic. And I'll say Christmas is awesome because we spend time together as a family. skeptical about anything an adult tells you, especially when it defies physics and logic. And I'll say, Christmas is awesome because we spend time together as a family. You get gifts because that's just what our cult, because of capitalism. And mom and dad are going to buy it for you. And if you want us to pretend like Santa did it, we can do that. And I'll totally believe.

And we can just, you know, like you make believe when you watch a movie that this is a real world, you suspend disbelief. Why can't we do that with Santa? But it's going to be your choice. And he'll be two and can't talk. So that'll be a little confusing. I'll say $1.8 million could be yours in three days if you put away this tooth that the tooth fairy is going to give you a dollar for.

But what if the, my only worry about that, let's say the baby back. He'll tell the kids at school. Yeah, he'll tell the kids at school and then you get a call the next day and you have to deal with that shit. I don't care. I'll say you, we need to stop this i will say this you know i'll say to my christianity i'll say to my kid i'll go listen um and i know this is hard for them to

understand but i'll be like this is this is something that people believe in and we have to respect it it's kind of like jesus like you need to respect people's religions or their beliefs and one of those might be Santa. And, you know, like, I was an atheist as a child. I didn't go to school and go, God is not real. My dad said so. You know, like, I could understand that other people can believe something I don't. And Santa is the dumbest thing.

And also, as a parent, I want credit. My mom would always. Oh, wait, I'm Jewish. I knew Santa wasn't. I didn't do it either. Yeah. You knew it wasn't real But you didn't go spoil it for kids

Because you were the only Jewish kid at school And you were just trying to fit in You didn't want to alienate Yourself further I didn't want to get thrown In a locker again Just because I said

Jesus isn't the Messiah Oh we gotta go I don't want this podcast To be over I have to go to the orthodontist Now and get my teeth scanned So I can continue Invisalign And so that eventually

Someone loves me more I don't know You've had In invisalign and so that's eventually someone loves me more i don't know you've had invisalign for a while now since 2016 when i broke up with my ex-boyfriend who i mean like is this a record for them their breakup braces um they were supposed to be done by february i got them in october of 2016 and i was supposed to have them out by march 2017 you guys that's a year that's crazy um that's like me with my braces my braces would break and they ruin my teeth more are your Invisalign making your teeth worse no they're slightly better but they are moving about and I believe I've committed this

much I would like a smile I've only wanted to fix one little thing and they can't seem to do it and I believe in Gina Otto at Otto orthodontist and she's going to hook me up. She also, uh, it's going to hook me up with, I'm going to get Botox and I'm maybe a little bit of filler in my lips. Uh, little,

little, little, little bit of filler in my lips, but definitely some Bobo. Can I ask when they say, when's the, when's the finish date for your teeth? What did they tell you?

Um, probably when the, the oceans rise. Um, and I'll, I'll, I'll be literally canoeing to my next orthodontist like i'll be doing it the rest of my life i'll be buried with these invisalign in my cold dead mouth like dog tags on a battlefield they're gonna know what area you came from it's just wild but you know what everyone's doing invisalign there's no reason not to have a straight smile if you want want one, you can go get it.

If you have the money for it, of course. but it, it, guess what? What I tell the people who have already a good mouth, like Brenna's not going to love you more if you fix your teeth. No,

you know, you might get more commercial work, but you don't want commercial. And guess what? You might not because people with like those fake smiles, they look so good, man. Like I love them. I know, I'm waiting.

It looks real. No, I'm just kidding. I'm going to sell my golf clubs. Sometimes, guys, I just don't want, I don't want Ryan Seacrest's teeth on every man. I don't think perfect teeth on my kind of, I don't know, it doesn't fit me. Do it if you want,

but I just know that my tooth being straighter is not going to change anything in my life. It's just, I got to drive to Fent fenton and i gotta borrow your car because i threw my keys in the trunk last night talk about five literal final thought noah yesterday i thought of the besties i was going in my trunk to get a toy out for art low um i didn't want him to see all the other toys in my trunk so i quickly shut it even though i was like i hope i didn't put my keys in there of course i left my keys in there there, got locked out of my car. My car's locked. It's my mom's car that I'm using ever since I bought her a car. It's mine now. My sister and mom were there and they go, you, those are the only keys.

Oh my God. And I go, we are not going to freak out about this. There's a locksmith I can call. It will be fine. I'm literally, this is not a big deal. And they're like, oh, and my mom goes, okay, I'm following Nikki's vibe. I'm just not going to care. And I go, it's my problem. It's one call. It'll cost me a couple hundred bucks. It's fine. And it was just like not an issue when that, locking your keys in the car.

And I know this is a money thing. But it just didn't have to, it didn't even weigh on my mind. And it could have been me being like, I'm so stupid. Why did I do that? And it just doesn't. It doesn't have to be that. So I hope you lock your keys in your car today and you don't care about it. Thank you for listening. And you

can read the book, the Zen Guitar or Zen, yeah, locking your keys in your car. Zen Truck. Zen driving to Fenton to get your teeth scanned for a tooth that isn't going to change. In your friend's car. In your friend's car that's letting you borrow the head very generously. We gotta go. Thank you so much, you guys. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast. Don't be kuh out there and all

the swells catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

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