The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #59 Warty Tissue

Episode Date: July 1, 2021

Between you and Nikki a handwritten letter means so much. Andrew is visibly stressed after getting into a fight with "a computer behind a computer". Nikki explains her take on hooking up and how to avoid "dick heartbreak", Andrew just doesn't get it. You Heard It Here First, Nikki and Andrew approve of therapy, stuffing your bra at Hooters and they care about Selma Hayek's aching breasts. The segment for today is Explain This, where Nikki and Andrew give listeners a peak into their private quarters. In the Final Thought they talk about personal surgery and Andrew's scary cyst. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Yes. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Yes. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, My theme song. I love it so much. I was listening to one of the podcasts that I, it's like a series that I've referenced several times called Every Single Album. It's like a Taylor Swift, if you're Swifty, you gotta go through that. It's on Ringer on the Spotify thing.

But I realized I've listened to only four episodes of it because there's only, you know, there's, I guess, nine because of how many albums she has but by the fifth episode I put it on yesterday and actually I'm up to seven so by the seventh episode I was already down with the music that they have in it you know it takes you about seven listens I think until you're like oh I recognize this this makes me get in the mood for the thing I'm listening to when you first hear a theme song you're like, oh, I recognize this. This makes me get in the mood for the thing I'm listening to. When you first hear a theme song, you're like, and then it just like puts you in the mood that you get into when you're listening. And I am so touched by how many people, I say this

every episode. I feel like every episode is a very special episode. I'm really touched by all the people that write to me and say that this puts you in a good mood or it just gets you out of your head or it just feels like we're friends and you're talking you're listening to some friends talking because honestly that's what it is for me like I you know that you know this but and I I feel like it's just all such like things that you say as a host to like get people on board with what you're doing. So it's all like, usually people say this stuff as lies. I just want to tell you, like most people are liars and they think they're not lying, but they're like, I love my

fans. And they say that shit because they want you to buy things. You know, I don't like actually like I have imposter syndrome. So I'm always like only buy it if you want to. Like, I feel that way. I never ask you guys to do anything. You know, you know what I mean? I told you yesterday, like your time to me is so valuable. And the fact that you invest your time listening to this, even if you put it on like in the background when you're cleaning, like the fact that my voice is in your ear at any point in the day means a lot to me. And I'm really, it's on my mind that I try to not waste your time with it. But that being said, I will because I'm a flawed person and I will make mistakes. But that's what we let our friends do is make mistakes and forgive

them and listen to their podcast the next day and hope for a better one. But what was I getting at there? Oh, I just really feel like you guys are my friends. It's so weird. Like every day I feel like you guys are like the types of friends that you don't ever have to ask about their life. You know what I mean? Like, I just get to you guys are the type of friends that I am going through a lot and I just need to like, let it all out. And you just kind of sit there and go, uh-huh. Like I feel that from you. And I realized this is not a two-way friendship and I wish that it could be more. And that's why we're incorporating more listener stuff. And I love your DMs. I love the handwritten letter a bestie handed to me in the airport last week.

What was her name? Isabella, Abigail. She was so cute I saw this girl in the airport sitting next to me at LAX I was flying home and I saw her actually at security I know you're listening but wait hold on let me just go grab the note real quick it's in my room one second oh no it's right here it's right. Okay, I said it here because I wanted to have it, like, I don't know. I'm thinking, like, I want maybe eventually when we go, oh, Noah had it on her phone, too, because I screenshot or I sent a picture of it to Andrew and Noah. I eventually maybe want some kind of, like, fan shelf when we are doing the show.

Like, we have, like, tchotchkes and things that fans gave us that we can put up just to represent you guys because I really appreciate everything. I won't be printing up your DMs, but your DMs mean a lot to me as well. Here we go. It says Nikki. So anyway, I saw this girl at security. Let me just set the stage. So cute, amazing posture. And I got jealous because she was like patiently putting on her belt after TSA. I think she was in front of me but I saw her at TSA young girl really cute put together um and she had a belt and she was you know like after TSA you like go there's benches set aside for people who need more time like the elderly well this bitch just heads over this bench and she's like just gently but like she has time there's no rush she's just putting on

her belt and like really like present and I remember remarking in my head that I wish I had that kind of just like I'm just this is gonna take as long as it takes and I'm gonna put on my belt without haste I'm gonna move to the side so I don't feel like because whenever I'm grabbing stuff after the TSA I want to just stay everyone's way which by the way um uh Isabella by the way is her name Isabella was staying out of everyone's way she just moved to the side so she could take her time as opposed to me I would be first of all I wouldn't wear a belt to the airport because I'd be like it's gonna annoy people and it's just gonna be too much and I'll forget until the last second and then it's gonna beep and then I'll have to go back and people will roll their eyes and get mad which by the way stop it that is so ridiculous behavior when you get

mad at people that forget to take off a thing even though i'm talking to myself literally last week because i was like bitch i know like i can already see that that your sunglasses you they're on top of your head i don't want to like police you the tsa it's their job to tell you take those off but i know it's gonna beep yep yep he told her okay now she's gonna go back oh wait she can't throw it on her bag she has to get a special bowl the bowls are on the other side because they haven't replenished them so then you wait and I'm just like going and it's like she didn't mean to leave him on her head she's doing her best this isn't Isabella though Isabella knew her shit she just grabs her stuff she goes over the bench and she takes her goddamn time because little did I know Isabella and I were

on the same flight she was in no rush I don't know what I'm rushing around for. I've forgotten my guitar at TSA. I've forgotten entire suitcases. One time I was late for a flight. It was the most harrowing moment of my entire life. I'm not joking you. You know, when you think back in your life and you go, when's the most stressed I've ever been? I was trying to make a flight. I was super late. I get out through TSA and I'm going to make it. I hear them calling like my name, like boarding. Like it is five minutes before the less than five minutes before the door closes. I had begged everyone at TSA when I am late for a flight, let me do a services. Now this is like last week when I said about fat people on planes or someone that might take up too much space or like look stinky or something, when you make a little like,

or like whisper about someone, you're so fucking obvious, okay? So stop doing that. This is another, and by the way, this is all stuff I needed to tell myself over the years. Here's another one. When you encounter someone in line at the airport where you're gonna check your bags,

or you're in line at TSA, and there is someone that looks harried, you know they're late, they're making sounds to indicate they're late, offer them to go ahead of you. Just do it. And if you're someone who is late, take the initiative and do this. Okay? This is the exact tone that I do when I'm late for the airport. And by the way, don't feel bad about it because no one, I mean no one, has ever not been late for the airport. No one has ever had a clear record of never being late for the airport. First of all, you can oversleep.

Oh, maybe it's your fault because you were hungover. Oh, that's my fault. I'm so embarrassed. So what? You didn't mean to. You overslept. So you could oversleep, traffic. Poor planning, just bad math.

You didn't know how long it would take to check a bag. So now you're in security and you're not gonna make your flight and your bags are gonna get on the flight, but you're not. Any of these things, no matter what reason you're late, excuse yourself and realize that everyone in that line has also been in your shoes. They're not gonna remember being in your shoes

when you approach them, but just know deep down that they have and there's nothing wrong with what you're about to do. This is what I've done many times. And don't say it's because I'm a cute girl. Cause I don't look like a cute girl in the morning. Most of the time, there's nothing about, I wish I did. I wish I could like put up my cleavage. So you go to the person in the very, you go to the closest person you can get to in the front and you go, I am so sorry to ask this. This is exactly the thing. I am so sorry to ask this. I know how annoying this is.

I am wondering if I could go in front of you in line. My flight is boarding in blah, blah, blah, blah, blah minutes. I, my, I, I didn't plan appropriately. I am so sorry. Would it be okay? You, you don't do the person in front of you. That's not going to help. You cut all these people. Now that person, if you're that person, by the way, I've been that person before where I just noticed someone who's panicked and I'm kind of in the

front and there's a lot of people behind me, but the person who's panics in the back, I say to that person, cause you know, the lines do a snaky thing. So you can kind of, I say to that person, do you want to get in front of me? And then I go, I've been there before to get in front of me and then I go I've been there before get in front of me girl let's do this and then I go actually I go to a person in front of me and I go can she get in front of you she's late for her flight we've all been there can you let her in and then I go to the back of the line people behind me that she's also cutting I go is it all right if this girl who's very late cuts is anyone else super late you can cut too and then everyone gets on board and you know what if they don't get on board fuck them dude you're gonna be on the plane but you

I hate seeing people scared to approach people and ask for a favor because if you would give someone that favor in your same situation then you should ask for that favor so let's all be more generous in airport lines and let people in front of us if we're not in a hurry and it's not gonna affect things Isabel's putting on her belt. I I clock it I go. I want that kind of patience. I get to my seat I pick a seat. I have my guitar with me I'm sitting at my seat by my gate. I have tons of time I could have bought a belt and put it on and off a million times by a bench Done a real isabel, you know, but i'm sitting there i'm sucking down a

non-vegan the only non-vegan thing i partake in because i really wanted it and i'm so sorry to vegans out there i'm example of someone who is not perfect but i do my best and veganism does not have to be perfect i got an ice blended from a coffee bean and tea leaf because it was only one in the southwest terminal of lax it's a if you want to get it. It's delicious. I don't I'd rather you get vegan things, but I got it with almond milk a vanilla ice blended Double blended with almond milk sugar-free vanilla Yes, i'm gonna get cancer from it, but it tasted so good and get it double blended because there's too many ice chunks um, so i'm sucking that down and making a mockery of like

You know just and I think i'm by myself, you know, the belt girl is kind of I see her in my periphery. Belt girls over there literally could not I didn't notice that this girl noticed me at all. I was almost like, I feel like we would be friends like maybe she would know who I am. I think I maybe have that thought. Then I look over at belt girl. She has posture that is of a princess she has princess posture and if she's not working for it it's not like one of those postures where it's like she knows she's being looked at and she's trying to straighten her back just a naturally good posture I then straighten my back you know when you see someone good with good posture and you replicate it and you go oh I could do this all the time and then two seconds later you forget

you slouch I'm looking at this girl and I'm like, God, belt girl has it all together. She has perfect posture. She just looks like, just like, and then she's like writing. I think I maybe saw her writing the note that she gave me, but I didn't know what it was. Then, um, you know, 10 minutes later she walks up to me. This is still like 20 minutes before our flight boards. I think she's getting on the Denver flight, which is now boarding. She comes up to me and she goes, I forget how she did it, but she just like handed me this little, you know,

note that she had folded twice. And she goes, I just, I'm a big fan. She was very like cool. She was like, I just want you to have this. I almost thought Isabel.

I know you're Isabella. Sorry. I know you're listening or I hope you are I literally thought you were gonna be like you're you just seem so put together and someone I want to be that I thought you were going to write me a note that was like I know who you are and I didn't appreciate your statement on this thing like it's it almost felt very like I need you to know that like I I almost thought it was going to be a bad note. Like she knew who I was, but like she has a problem with something I said once. Like you need to stop talking about this or like, I don't know what in my mind, I don't

even know what I could have. Maybe like I did a rape joke and she heard about it on a show or something. And she was like, I thought it was one of those because she just seemed like someone who was like two together to like me. This is my self-esteem issues. So I opened the note and she just goes I'm a big fan I didn't want to bother you she was like oh she said um thank you so much she said something to the effect of like you mean a lot to me and you've like your words

thank you for saying what you say or something like that and I I was it was a blur because I was like belt girl posture belt is talking to me I was like nervous she goes Nikki in parentheses I assume it's you because guitar case so I read it as she walked away like after she walked away and was out of sight I thought she got onto the Denver flight turns out she was on my flight she goes I'm a bestie and don't want to make a scene I'm a bestie and I just go oh my body relaxed and I don't want to make a scene but I want you to know you are such an inspiration for me so sweet you, talented, and a role model to an aspiring screenwriter like myself. Oh, this bitch is a screenwriter. Then I go, what?

I will send you a DM later with more details because I can't believe I'm sitting by you at the airport. Keep kicking ass and I'm excited to pitch my rom-com pilot to you one day. XO, XO, bestie. Isabella. Tell Andrew and Noah I said hi. By the way, she wrote me later and said, I'm so sorry I spelled Noah's name wrong. She put an H at the end of it. And I was like, was like Noah don't care Noah's just happy to get a shout out no and it was so sweet I love how much you guys love Andrew Andrew and Noah she goes p.s can't

wait for f boy island and she goes hope this note wasn't k she spelled it c-a-h then c-h-u then c-H-U, then C-E-U, or K-E-U, then C-U-H. I think K-E-U, any spelling you do of it is fine with me, by the way. She goes, I turned 26 yesterday and actually, 26, this girl's a screenwriter, she's 26. I turned 26 yesterday and actually saw you perform at the comedy store on my 24th birthday, June 23rd, 2019. I love her so much.

Happy belated birthday, Isabella. She was on my flight, and then I got a DM from her as I'm like putting my eye mask on and like bundling up people are still boarding the plane because you know I got bumped up to 8 15 and I got a DM from her as I'm like resting and she was like I'm so embarrassed I'm actually on your flight and I'm gonna probably see you but I didn't see her again I looked for her when we landed. Isabella, I don't know where you live. I would just like to say for future reference, if you see me alone at the airport and you're a bestie,

come talk to me. I literally will not make you feel awkward. We will be like friends. I always like to talk to people. I'm very social. And if I don't, I can just, I will politely tell you, I have to work on this thing and I'll be honest. Or like, hey, I'm going through a thing and I kind of want to just like talk to myself. Like, I'll be honest

with you and it will not feel like, oh my God, I bugged her. I always want to have a conversation with the bestie. I literally want to be friends with you guys. So Isabella, we already DM'd and you are going to send me your rom-com. I am going to star in it someday. And I'm so excited that you thought of me for it. Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew! Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Andrew, what's going on?

Noah just said you look stressed. I didn't know about anything. She knows your phone? No, my phone. Oh, that's why you have Noah just said you look stressed. I didn't know about anything. She knows your phone? No, my phone. Oh, that's why you have your computer with you? Because you're using it to text? No, I'm using it to read the headlines in a minute here. Oh, right.

But my phone, the LTE or something, Verizon, shut my phone off. And now I went to my computer to get into the Verizon account. And I can't. My account is locked. So I'm trying to chat with them, and I started cursing out the computer. Like you were chatting at the computer and cursing them? I was yelling at a computer to go fuck itself.

The computer or the person on the computer? There's no person. It's just the computer behind the computer. Like the little robot that goes, hey, can I help you with this? That guy. Okay, yes. guy okay yes i'm going fuck you i think it might be a real person i hope really no it's definitely not a real person wrote fuck you yeah i wrote fuck you you smell like shit i want to kill your whole family whoa yeah okay well um what happened the lte got shut off i mean i i couldn't care less, honestly, about the details of it.

But what's the solution here? Well, the solution is I got to borrow your phone to call the 800 number. And I think that will work out. Yeah, you definitely can. You just got a new phone after Cayman. You know what it is? I think probably I didn't pay my bill on time. Right.

And they shut you down. But usually they let you call 611. The old not paying for things you need to pay for. I mean, being an adult sucks. You know 611? The 911 flipped on its head? Yeah. The old flipperoo 911.

Yeah, it's like when you dial an emergency when you're dyslexic. Yeah, it's when you call 611 and you say, hey, I'm having a heart attack. And they go, this is Verizon, bro. What's 611? A 611 is you say, hey, I'm having a heart attack. And they go, this is Verizon, bro. What's 611? A 611 is to pay your Verizon bill. So in the past, I've done this obviously many times. I'm a procrastinator. I never pay my bills on time.

Sure, me too. I fucking suck at it. You don't suck at it. You're a human. So in the past, when they shut my phone down, where you have to pay like $25 to reconnect, they allow you to call 611 because they're the fucking devil. Cause they just want their money. It's like you could call nine one one from a broken phone and six one one.

I don't even know if you could call nine one one to be honest. Right. Sometimes when your phone is locked, it does allow you to call nine one one. Like if you're just a person that found a random phone, you know? Yeah. Um,

but that's funny that they're like, no, sorry if you're stabbed, you're on your own. But if you want to pay us $50, you owe, that's why that they're like no sorry if you're stabbed you're on your own but if you want to pay us 50 you owe that's why give us a call and we'll let you bleed out on the street while we collect your money and and also hope that the person uh who does your finances after you die doesn't notice that they should shut off direct deposit on this oh yeah because we're

running a biggest fear is that i die and i pay black draw $30 the rest of my life because no one's gonna shut it down no one even knows where it came from my business manager just writes me at 11pm you know 11.59pm do you authorize this charge and it's just some weird name you know they always have like all these like porn companies

things either are charged to a weird name it's always like green sources inc or like you know it sounds like you might be donating to some some kind of global charity or and then you know of course all dildos and all that stuff shows up in a box that looks like you're getting files from like the the nixon campaign like the it's like like you're they show up like confidential files like it seems like you're involved in some sort of illegal activity because they're trying to be discreet.

Just send me a dildo in a dildo case. Oh, I didn't even know where you were going with this. So you're getting, wait. Well, you know, sex with Emily sent us a bunch of stuff. She sent us flavored lube. Um, she was on our show. Of course, go back and listen to that one. If you haven't.

Um, she sent me a vibrator necklace. She sent me a vibrator that I haven't opened yet Because I'm very pleased in my sex life right now And don't really need it And she sent us a bunch of flavored lude And a really nice note and said This is your new best friend And I was like wow she

She thinks I'm lonely No she sent a really nice note And it arrived though in this like box That I thought I was getting like You know I thought I was getting like you know i thought i was getting paperwork for a new lease or something yeah or like ted not ted bundy ted kinchinsky who was oh oh yeah like it might have been fanthrax that's what we call by the way you guys if fans send us anything that could harm us like you know a fan loves you so much that they're

like here's a piece here's a you know it's i'm trying to think of what a fan would send that we would be like okay that's that would harm like oh you know what when fans or even if it's nice even if it's nice that we don't but it hurts us yeah like not me i get not me's all the time people on instagram sending me girls that look like me and it's fanthrax because it's supposed to be nice but it feels like anthrax that I breathe it in because it's like this is what I see you as and that you know what I let I'm so much better about it now because I do like look like these ugly women that they send me and guess what sometimes I'm ugly and I don't care and I will be ugly someday not ugly but an ugly subjective obviously but sometimes it's not let's be honest with

ourselves it's objective for sure I am I'm not scared about being ugly it used to really offend me that people could see me that way and now i'm like i'm still people would like me if i was discussed people would still listen to this podcast if i wasn't hot i really believe that yes i finally have let it in and i never really let that in before or if i wasn't like pleasing to the eye not hot per se but like you know just someone that people might want you know I always wanted girls to want to be me because that to me is the biggest form of flattery because when I want to be someone that means like I like you better than me you know so I always want girls to be like I love your outfit I want to wear that shirt that you have i want to wear the same makeup you have i want the same wooden girls are like what do you do for your skincare i'm always like what my skin like it makes me feel popular in this really sick way but now i realize i do think i i would not lose any fans if i became a if i was had an acid attack if some like mean woman threw acid on my face, which is kind of a thing I'm in fear of right now.

I'd rather deal with that than Verizon, I'll tell you that. I've never gotten a not me that was more attractive than me. What about Lee Schreiber? No, but I did that not me. You do that one. That's a personal not me.

I always get not me's, and it's like a bearded a bearded gay can I show you one dancing that I've been giving myself a bearded gay bear and it's like and they're like like the bear like a gay man oh my god this has got to be Andrew I know it's so offensive I I see that for you a lot too I see people send me ones and I go I'm not sending that to him that's abusive and I really want him to fold up some cardboard boxes later and I don't need this to be like permeating art so look at so my explore page is all Jennifer Aniston and

Taylor Swift like that's all they give me and recently they've been posting a lot of Jennifer Aniston from Howard Stern you gotta see Jennifer Aniston and Howard Stern I think I look like her in this and especially since I got the same exact shirt,

we were wearing the same shirt the other day. Hold on. Let me find the clip of her. It's not great lighting. Would you love Jennifer Aniston if she was ugly? Um, probably not actually, because part of her appeal to me is her acting and like her facial expressions.

If she could still make the same facial expressions, of course, and everything. But part of that is, um, let me just pull up i gotta show you and you tell me if this if i am right and thinking this kind of looks like me not now but uh so don't look at me now andrew all right i won't look at you now by the way i used that lube yesterday cookies and cream thank you sex with emily i've never used lube before first First luber. That was the first time using lube ever? Yeah.

And during sex. People are opposed to it because women go, oh, that must mean that I'm not... Wet enough for you? Wet enough. And guess what? Adding more wetness to already wet is so good. It makes it slippery and sleek.

It's so freaking good. Dude, I've never been better in bed. I can't find it. No, it's not that one. No, it's not that one. It's her on Zoom. It's so weird because it was everywhere yesterday and now it's pulled it's like howard stern got it pulled it was her on zoom and i typed in jennifer aniston zoom howard and it's like nothing so you look like a pulled aniston yeah they were like we can't even have

this i bet her company i bet her people like, this is a bad shot of you. You look a lot like Nikki Glaser. We need to wipe this from the internet. We gotta pull this ASAP. That's so funny. I can't find, and no, it's not that at NOAA. It literally is wiped from the internet because I saw it everywhere on my Explore page.

She's talking to Howard. It's on Zoom. She's wearing a green top. If anyone can find it, please send it to me. What I was gonna say is that, wait, so the so the loop you used yesterday was so funny because I I really do Brenna is one of my like best friends in St. Louis now Andrew's girlfriend I'm really sad she's leaving uh yesterday I I wanted to talk I've been wanting to talk about these hookups I've been having where I've been getting my sexual needs met but not having actual sexual

intercourse because I'm saving that for marriage I really am um but I'm doing literally everything else with someone and it just feels fun and recreational and there's my heart is not getting hurt in the process at least not yet feels great um and then I want I've been wanting to tell Andrew about it but it's like so graphic that it's like too much to tell a male friend and and i and you didn't really ask and i don't want to like thrust this on you not to use that word but yesterday brenna was over and brenna kind of asked about what was going on with me and i was like dude i have so much to tell you and i was like andrew is this okay for me to like and i went into like graphic detail of what i've been doing

because not because i wanted to be like titillating and like I just like to talk about sex graphically and the sex I have is so graphic and I just want to say that any man listening that might want to be my partner someday you don't have to live up to the things that I've done in my past I think a lot of men are like she loves anal and I don't want to do that I I don't need it. It's like escargot. Like if I went, I don't like, or I guess that's a bad example, but it's like a foie gras.

Like it's something that's like a delicacy that I've had enough of in my life. I could go the rest of my life with, that's not true. I will do it to myself next to you in bed and you don't have to do it to me. Like I would marry someone who is not kinky. Okay.

You don't consider that intercourse? I consider oral sex sex. I keep saying to this guy that I'm doing this with, I keep going, we're having sex, even though it's not vaginal sex. But I'm only protecting my vaginal hole for marriage. Because you were like, what's the difference? If he sticks his penis in the other one,

what's, like, guys don't see the difference in that. But and I know I said to you, I would say some women would agree with that. That's what I'm saying. I'm doing it for me because I I want to save something for the man that I feel like I'm going to marry. It doesn't mean like you have to marry me and then you do it. Like when I get that feeling of like this man is available, this man can love me. This man can be in a relationship with me, at least for the the extended amount of time I could see myself marrying this person down the

line come on in my puss but if I don't have that sense either because I don't want it with this person or because that person doesn't want it with me um I usually I won't even engage with someone who doesn't want it with me if I want it with them. But the person I'm currently fooling around with, I don't want that with them. So I'm fine with them doing all the other stuff. First of all, they've done all the other stuff to me before. We hooked up years ago and now we're redoing that. So it doesn't feel. So I even said to Andrew, because he's like, what's the difference?

And I go, I can't wait to tell the person that I feel that way. like I have not had a penis in my vagina for now it's been over two years and and two of those years was because I wasn't hooking up at all but then I started hooking up again and I actually saved that part of sex for love I want love to be connected with that and Andrew was like I as a guy if i found out you got fucked in the ass a ton and you were like i did but i did it in my vagina it wouldn't mean anything to me and then i go i'm just not no no i like your honesty i first of all i think the man that i will love it will mean something to him i hope but if it doesn't it doesn't matter because it means something to me.

And- You're like a born again virgin. I really am. And I'm not saving it for Jesus or God, even though it is spiritual for me. Like I felt, I did the Sex with Emily podcast shortly after I had fallen in love and I did not have sex with that person

that I fell in love with because I knew that they weren't available and I knew that I didn't wanna consummate it it in that way even though I wanted to so badly and I was really going through it afterwards like of like I wish I would have it will never happen you know all these things and she asked me um she does these things at the end of her show where she like is like fill in the blank and she's like she goes uh this is kind of her voice she's like sex is best the best sex in uh to have the best sex possible you need and I just go love and she goes oh and I go I didn't even expect that like I now know that the best sex of my life is not going to be me tied up getting things up my butt and like being choked

at all the things that i actually do enjoy more recreationally the best sex in my life will be really boring missionary and a penis in me like just it's gonna have love in the air that's gonna be this like uh this like we both love each other and not anyone else well i mean i'm open to that as well but like there's gonna it's love it's gonna be special because i never had it both because to me like why are we saving that hole for love i just i because i know it's going to be so special that i don't want to waste it let me give you an example i don't want to eat a salad without dressing and to me a salad all the ingredients of a salad could taste good enough without the added dressing because they're all

like delicious things in a chopped salad. That salad is going to be the best with dressing. And I need the dressing is love. So I could enjoy it, but I'm going to wait because guess what? I can eat everything else on the menu and still have a really satisfying meal. But dressing is required for the salad. So if someone tosses my salad, please come on it first. Wait.

I don't know what i'm talking about throw a vinaigrette on there this isn't hard to grasp don't it is hard to grasp really yes dude you're i feel like you're contradicting yourself constantly noah is like nodding her head is almost falling off because she's like praising everything i'm, and I love it. I'm so excited, because you are ready for love. Yeah. And I feel it coming your way. You're the perfect mentality for her. I hope all those things for her,

and I hope that she gets the vagina sex and the anal sex. But the thing is, I don't need a penis in my vagina, because the guy I'm hooking up with puts things in my vagina, and I couldn't tell the difference between his penis and a plastic thing. But that's my point.

My point is why do you put all these things on your head? Because sex, women, and hormones are involved. That's my thing. When a real skin penis with thumping blood through it enters my vagina it will feel different. It will feel different. And it will make my body shoot off hormones that

I can't control. And so to keep those feelings at bay, I have to protect myself. So I have to do, listen, I would love to start dabbing marijuana just to get the highest high ever. What dip in the cock, just a couple inches. Dabs are like intense weed. They're concentrated weed. But I, I continue to smoke weed because I don't, I don't want that much yet. I'm not ready to let that in my life because it could ruin my life if i get that i don't want to know having a piece of my vagina has ruined my life before it has put me into a state of depression and dependence on a man who didn't love me and i don't want to do it again but you've had that without that what do you mean

the consequences don't outweigh the benefits yeah what do you mean i've had it without it what do you mean i've had it without no you've had heartbreak without having a not not like not like the kind with dick and you think it's just because of the dick in you everyone has said when i fell in love a couple months ago everyone in my life i think even you were surprised at how little if you've never seen me with dick heartbreak how little compared to other times i've let a man penis in me and when he rejected me how much it hurt i was i was hung over for months this time because i didn't let that man put his penis in me i was able to have such a clear conscious like i was sad but it wasn't out of my control it didn't feel like an addiction

having a penis in you for me my body creates an addictive thing with them and i am just as satisfied i could never have a dick in me again i swear to god i am just as satisfied having things put in me because i'm blindfolded the whole goddamn time anyway and i don't know if it's a dick or not but my body knows i'm not saying to me physically a penis in a in a dildo feel the same really like you know when there's a lot of stuff going on down there because i like double penetrate i like a bunch of stuff going on at same time vibrator on my clit thing up my ass like dick in my ass but the thing on my so it all feels the same but my body will do things just like when you eat something that tastes good and

then your body no i, I get that. I understand. Against your own will. You can't control it. That's what happens. My point is, is that you've done work on yourself. You've matured sexually. I just don't want it.

I know. I'm not I'm not telling you what you feel or how. OK. How I look at sex. I'll say I'll say I. OK. So when I first lost my virginity or how i used to deal with granted i haven't had that many girlfriends but like sex was like this thing like once i have you know what i mean like and

like then you kind of mature and it's just like something you do in the relationship it's fun but like to put all this i'm just saying putting i would putting all this weight on it but i get it like if that's how it affects you that's special to me and i think it's something it's a gift i want to give and i know you were like i wouldn't even care about that gift if my husband or the person i go i haven't had sex in two years and i've had the opportunity and i've waited for this feeling and i'm giving it to you if that person doesn't find that special then then that's fine but to me that's the gift i'm gonna give and it might be like a sweater they want to return but i thought of this person before I even met them.

Like, I love the, I think the romance of like, I knew you were out there. I've been waiting for you. I gave my vagina to so many guys before that didn't deserve it. And I let them in because I thought they did. And now I finally am an adult woman and I know that you deserve this.

And this doesn't mean that you're locked into never breaking my heart, but I trust you. It's trust. i dig that i dig that i'm not trying to be like a contrarian dick i'm just saying like i i get like i i just get like when when you put like these things on it for you like i just feel like i'm an addict so i need to put no more drinking i can't just have one i i no more starving myself i can't just starve myself one day to look good tomorrow but then you get addicted to not doing something that's all i'm saying like so you put these things no i i don't drinking i will i plan on never drinking again i'm not like waiting for someone to have the right booze or the right person to get drunk with i really am not but it might happen on the same night you meet the good

guy i mean who knows i gave up the pussy because i had a fireball shot i'm never gonna i never want to starve myself again i never want to eat in bed again i never want to skip a meal again i never want to um drink again but i do want to have sex in my vagina again will i possibly never yes but um it's it's something i actually don't need because I'm so sexually satisfied right now. It's wild. It's almost like we were talking about the other night about having kids. And you were talking about the benefits of the feeling of loving something so much. And I go, I'm not craving loving something that much.

I am satisfied with how much I love my niece and nephew. There's not a part of me that's like, i want more of this and almost it to be more like i there's nothing in me that thinks it could get better than that even though i know it can with a child i don't want it i don't there's nothing my life does not feel deficient and some people do they go oh my god i want i guess the only argument is there's been things that maybe you didn't think you wanted as much and then you got and then you're like holy shit i didn't even realize i don't want to risk that because if you find out you're wrong that's 18 years because i do know 45 years i've been watching this show called sex life on netflix that have been recommended to me and you tell me if you want kids after seeing that if you're me that woman is me that woman has the same sexual desires

as me the same kind of and she becomes a mom and it just i know that moms will relate to it i want my sister to watch it even though this woman is like a true nympho and then she's like a mom and she's like i hate my she doesn't hate her kids but i would love my kids but it's just i'm not craving it it's not something i think about and i'm really satisfied with that let's get to the news and if you want to write us anonymously and tell us that you actually don't want your own kids i'd love to hear i would love to hear people tell me whether i should or shouldn't have kids and and and in the honesty behind it no i think people wouldn't even admit it to themselves that that they wish they wouldn't have because actually they don't believe that they even if it sucks you

know that if your child i know that feeling happens where you couldn't say it you couldn't say but i i've had one woman say it to me and go no one's gonna tell you the truth it's not worth it it is not worth it one woman and that woman was very much like me but look there's plenty of parents that have walked out on their kids lives that have showed that they're not worth i just don't need to test something that i'm not craving at all is what i'm saying i feel you yeah all right news you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh man i hope you're having a great time out there hope you're having all the holes plugged up except your vagina and uh you're having all the swells up except your vagina and you're having all the swells.

Don't add that to it. Ariana Grande is giving away $1 million worth of therapy to fans. Quote unquote, healing is not linear or easy, but you are worth the effort and time, she said. Wow, I love this.

Yeah, the singer has partnered with mental health support organization BetterHelp to help match people seeking therapy with a licensed therapist. Grande has been very open about her own mental health struggles and her PTSD. Since the bombing. Yeah. And also she lost Mac Miller. I mean, she's been through a lot. Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson.

Well, yeah, I mean, that relationship through a lot Pete Davidson well yeah I mean that relationship was tumultuous for sure that's great I love anyone destigmatizing getting help and and I really think that I'm so glad that these people who

people look up to are putting it out there because it's just I wish everyone would be open to it it's um but you can't force someone that's the thing they kind of just got to see that you do it and go wow that person is you know like the way that i've changed over the past couple years like the people that in my life that that weren't around me so much before then. Like, you know, when I was living in New York, I didn't see my mom and dad as much. I didn't see,

uh, the changes I've, I've been through over the past year, people have noticed. And I've always been trying to like get them to do all these things that I did because really I was trying to get myself to do them. Cause I wasn't really doing them and I was trying, but I just feel like now

those people that I've been begging to get the therapy or the talk about the real things that I want to talk about are finally just doing it on their own because you can't force someone and I've been I was told to get therapy for years and I just I didn't do it until I was right like until you're the other thing too about you ready just wondering uh are you trying to say you did i mean i'm trying to say i kind of inspired it yeah i mean i think you're causing it now no no no no i'm not saying i'm the full reason but you did quit drinking and you did start going to therapy after we became friends sure i think i think i think it was a combination of things but yeah you definitely helped in the idea of making yourself a better self. Just the people you surround yourself with.

It's not me, but it's like you were hanging out with people who drank every night. And then you started hanging out with me. And you were like, oh, I kind of see another way to. A thousand percent. Look, before you, I did quit drinking for months on end. So I was heading towards there. And then seeing you being successful, seeing other comics that I really respect being successful. drinking like for like months on end like i would so i was i was heading towards there yes and then seeing you being successful seeing other comics that i really respect being successful and being

you know just not drinking it just made me it just like solidified me that was it for me too was knowing that john mulaney didn't drink and that was what like the turning point for him when he was young was like quitting he'd quit really young Jim Norton quit really young like all these people who's were just so prolific like either didn't have a drinking problem or they had and they got it under control and the people that do have a drinking problem their work they're they're lucky and it doesn't it there's something missing from it and I'm still trying to really hone into i think i'm getting closer to just being uh myself and not having to try to be the successful person

i want to be like it just comes i just go towards what feels good and like oh that means that equals success oh f boy island i want to do that because that sounds fun. Oh, it's actually also really good for my career. Wow, that's cool. Yeah. As opposed to, man, I got it. I want to, I got to get on TikTok. And I'm like, wait a second. I don't, I don't want to be on TikTok

because I don't need another addiction. I literally asked Carlisle Forster, who is kind of looking for some side work right now. I'm like, tell me what TikTok trends are going on because part of TikTok is like noticing what's happening on there and feeding the engine. It's like being a stock day trader. But you have to be on it to nail it. So and I don't want to be on it.

It's not something I'm willing to give up as my happiness and my time. I don't want to give it to TikTok. I know that it just feels too good and is like an addiction. I don't need another. So I asked Carlisle, I was like, will you make videos for me? Will you clip up my standup? So that's a little thing that I'm like, oh, wait. Before, I would be like, get on TikTok because you need to learn it.

And then I would just get stuck on TikTok. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, and getting sober. You could just put your standup on there all day long. I know. And then not even think about it. But I still smoke weed constantly. And it's to me something that I really treat medicinally. It makes me work harder.

It doesn't make me lazy. It doesn't have those side effects. Although it ruins my voice. It is dirty and gross. I smoke out of a thing that looks like a crack pipe. So it's not like a good look for a 37-year-old woman. Sometimes I have to like crouch down on a balcony. So I literally look like a homeless person crouching down so that,

cause I have to crouch down so that the wind doesn't pick up. Like the things associated with smoking weed are not a good look. And I'm looking to figure out what that is that I'm trying to fill with that. But right. So I'm aware that I have an addiction now that isn't as harmful as, you know, alcohol. But I'm also addicted to my meds that make me happy and not want to kill myself. So, and marijuana has the same effects for me.

It makes me happy. But you quit weed for a while. Yeah, and I got really, really depressed. And I'm scared of depression. I'm just too scared of it. And the feeling i feel when i go to get a hit of weed that because that's the what you can tap into when you're trying to deal with an addiction or something a behavior that you're trying to stop the feeling you have when you go to reach for it like that like i need this like why i'm trying to be in that feeling more and go what is really going on here like do you really want to get high like do you want smoke in your lungs that's going to make you

like make music sound better for a second and then wear off and you're going to need it again or what what and I haven't nailed it yet but that's going to take journaling before I reach for the weed that's going to take calling a friend and saying I want to reach for the weed I'm still going to after this call but can I just talk out some feelings and i i just wanted to say that out loud because that's the approach i want to give to it today as i kind of reach a bottom with it of like i mean you're sitting on a chair by the way that has uh spray tan stains on it unintentional i accidentally sat on this chair and on my ankle my spray tan kind of accumulates sometimes and it rubbed on it when i was practicing guitar once and i flipped it over and uh for so

my mom wouldn't see my mom found it my andrew saw my mom find it and i was like i knew it was gonna be a whole thing and i'm like it's fine there's the other side is totally clear but then yesterday i was smoking weed on that chair and i had the flip side where it wasn't where it was the nice side and i was like i might burn this couch with a spark or something oh so you're used so i flipped it back to the shitty side that's my weed smoking side so if that chair is flipped you know your girl's smoking weed i just anyone out there who also smokes weed and struggles with it and has like a, um, I do the same thing with a mattress. I come all over one side and then I flip the other and I sleep like a baby. Uh,

it's so, that's the same for my mattress with spray tan and or shit. Um, but yeah, I'm just like trying to be honest about my weed smoking more because it's just, I'm 37. I shouldn't be smoking out of a pipe and like no you gotta

get a good i mean is there a way to make it more stylistic for me to be because i'm not embarrassed of it it makes me it doesn't make me a worse worker it does make me lose my short-term memory which is not good for stand-up but it also makes me not want to kill myself which is also good for stand-up so what are you gonna do uh let's get to the next killing yourself could be pretty cool for your career i can sell some trinkets after you die you know you gotta go in my phone and get all the recordings you know elvis and you know i gave you my phone code yeah elvis when he died he made millions more way more money after i know i i'm gonna make a lot of money if i die tragically not killing myself but just you know a car accident or something my mom and dad will be

able to live off of my recordings on my phone, but you've got to give them that code. I've sent it to them. My mom will not be able to find it in her email. You've got to send me the code again, but my phone's not working because of Verizon. Yeah, but it's in your email. I did send you all my stuff, Andrew. And what song do I want played at my funeral?

Wilco. Which one? Impossible Germany. Oh, dear. I know. No, she's a jar. Thank you. Thank you, Noah. I know. It was a joke. I know. And a jar i know i know it was a joke i know and by the way grande given a million dollars so many people real quick don't do therapy because

they go it's the most expensive thing it's i swear to god you could find a therapist that especially if you have health insurance it's just an excuse you're making and better help is a sponsor of our show and they also better help and they offer financial aid as well so better help is a sponsor of our show you um i think it's betterhelp.com slash nikki is where you can go to get uh i think it's like uh some some bucks off your first month of therapy but just but take this if you're someone out there right now hey you listening and you go i've wanted to try therapy, but I don't. This is your sign.

I'm talking to you. Do the boldest, bravest thing you can do right now and go like download BetterHelp app and just fucking do it. That's so, it will be, you don't have to tell anyone you do it. You will feel cooler about yourself because you are doing something that's hard.

Going to therapy is not easy. It's not a fucking cop out. It's hard and it's brave yeah and the one thing i have to say with therapy is that the first like five if you go five times you're gonna get an understanding of why you're acting a certain way what your history was and it's i i equate it to like a whatever back to golf but like your grip like if you could just get the foundation you could apply it forever all you need is like five just start with five but keep going yes yeah but you know what i mean and let me just

be honest with you it takes a while to find a good therapist if you don't find even better help they are totally understanding if you want to switch it's like dating you guys i've so many people go i went to this therapist and she sucked and then they never go again yes that was a guy's voice i didn't like it. It's like, well, did you marry the first person you went on a date with on Bumble? No, this is everyone's different. And you got to find one that works for you. And it takes about I would give it a couple sessions with each one before you decide.

Slash Nikki Glazer. Slash Nikki Glazer. So betterhelp.com slash Nikki Glazer. And you're going to get you're going to get a discount. And it'll be really great for our show because it's a great way to support the show. I really appreciate you guys listening and helping our advertisers and giving them money gives us the ability to do this show. And it means a lot to me when you do.

Next story. Okay. A self-proclaimed flat-chested med student shows her TikTok followers how she fakes her boobs for her hooters job Whoa okay Noah pull it up I can't wait to see this This is my daily little dose of TikTok TikTok

Me making my boobs look great everyday for work This girl is talking She says This is a girl that has amazing cleavage Her boobs look like 3D's And then she goes me having double A's Okay Her boobs look like three D's. And then she goes, me having double A's.

Okay, her boobs look big anyway with double A's. These are sneaky tits. I have the same boobs. Mine look like double A's most of the day, and then I can make them look like that too. No, but you actually have C's. No, I have D's. Or D's. She doesn't have D's, she has double A's. I just don't believe it.

That's how good the makeup is. So she did that with makeup, Noah? How did we learn what she did? It's all in the article. Andrew, why don't you fill Nikki in? So 22-year-old Kirsten Songer. Kirsten? How does she spell it? K-I-R-S-T-E-N. I'm guessing it's Kirsten then.

She has the chest of a teenage boy. She uses a push-up bra that adds two cup sizes and stuffs it with silicone inserts for a boost. Finally, she uses makeup to lightly draw lines of definition onto her chest that create the illusion of curviness. Get it, girl. I want to go work at Hooters. Oh, you would kill it.

Do you think I should get a side job? I'm not even joking you. If I could do it and not be, I would do it i just want to see what that's like it's like very light because i like being sexy and i like a job that's like your job is to be sexy so it doesn't you don't get accused of like she's trying to be hot that's what i like about strippers i couldn't strip or i would be a great porn star but um what you stripped? No, no, no. That involves dancing. Not going to do that. I would be an amazing porn star, though.

Like, legit, I think I should have gotten into it. And I honestly, I have. Remember that friend we met who stripped the one time? Yeah, yes. And you would never expect it. She said it was the most. But she was a good dancer. You can tell that girl's got some moves.

I think you have enough moves. You could just slide around the pole. No, I have no interest in stripping. I more interest even though it's like it's on stage like stand-up yeah i have more interest in um uh like when i was hooking up the other day i'm not joking you i was like i think the way i felt about stand-up when i first did it which is like i'm really good at this and i enjoy it so much. It makes me feel good. Like I feel that way about, I mean, does everyone feel that way about sex of like, this is all I ever want to do?

Uh, no, I have a, I think I'm a sex addict. I really, when I'm in a relationship, I can get really obsessed with it. And, um, I got to watch that. But I really felt yesterday. I was like, I think I could do porn and really, really feel like talented causes talented oh sorry what's the addiction is it from the connection with the person or the actual orgasm no no no it's the orgasm is like well the dopamine from the orgasm orgasm is christmas

you know i don't even care for christmas i like christmas eve it's all the build-up it's being told not to come it's being able to like yes it's be it's all the build-up and i just it's just feels i honestly feel like bet middler or something i'm like i was born to do this i was born to be whorish and i know that sounds i'm i'm reluctant to put this out there because i just there is some i realized something about myself this week when i was able to separate sex recreationally like I really the person I've started hooking up with I'm like it's like I found a tennis partner is what I've said to them because I've never related to that like oh this interest I have I just actually wrote to my friend Bobby Jaycox he's a local comic because he plays guitar and I need a guitar partner it's like

I'm tired of listening to myself. I'm too bad. And I wrote to him and I go, do you want to come over? I think he's coming over tonight to practice and to just hang out with me and play. And that's what I feel like I found with this person I'm hooking up with is like, I have someone that I can really practice getting good at. And I don't know, there's just like this sense

that like I could literally just i could pursue this as a career and like be fine with it and feel really like i was doing porn yes and what blocking out your face no like a different person like if i gave up comedy and was just like i'm nikki glaser porn star like putting my face out there and being a porn star like i i'm for i'm for the first time in my life i'm like i think i could do it and i think i would have no shame about it and i think that i could do it in a way that would make other women feel safe indulging in their things and in their sexual doing only fans and start slow yeah i could i could i'm i'm i'm literally open to it. And as I get more into MILF and probably headed into GILF pretty soon, territory, people do

like the way the what I could bring to the table. I see that there's a market for it. And I've always just been too embarrassed and not been able to separate it because sex to me marginalizes women so much and like them like, we look down upon porn stars. I mean, porn stars literally can't get work elsewhere. I mean, they act like, oh, we love porn stars, even though it's the most consumed entertainment. I mean, insanely consumed. These people are ostracized from the world.

And when they go to functions and their family know they do porn, oh, I don't know if I feel safe having my kid around you. Because you might start a gangbang at our family reunion it's like people just have such scorn and distaste for porn stars and I feel like I am finally in a place where it's like oh I would look at it as an art and not something that is making me um seek validation from others it's truly like i can bring women pleasure from showing how you can do that because let me tell you a lot of times i watch gang bangs and there's like a this is way too much information please let me know if this is bordering on like care because i'm not trying to turn anyone on i'm not trying to be like i'm so sexy please want to fuck me but there are times i'm watching porn and these girls who clearly love it like in a gangbang or

something which i've never done but i aspire to do someday um this girl like a dick will slip out right like it happens yeah sure and the girl will just not say anything me i would be like put it back in like i would be demand like i like it so much like these girls so i sense sometimes in porn that these girls are just doing a job and they're not really having the pleasure from it and i know that you can't always enjoy yourself when i'm on stage sometimes i'm not having fun at all and sometimes i'm having the best time so i understand different days of like oh it dick slips out i'm not actually like feeling anything right now because i'm thinking about like a thing i have to do later that it's like I have to do my taxes later so you're not really worried

but there are a lot of times in porn where I'm like I want that girl to like beg to put it back in like I would if this were happening to me but that just indicates to me she's not really in it and I and I know that if I became a porn star I would have days that I wouldn't care but there's something about it to me that I'm so passionate about it that I think me doing it would not be me trying to get attention from men which I always felt gross about in terms of wanting to be sexy, but really like displaying how much I can let myself go and be unbridled and be an example to women that they can also do that. And men. Well, I mean, I guess you could do. I wouldn't.

If I were you. I can't do it with comedy. I have to quit comedy because you cannot do were you I can't do it with comedy I have to quit Comedy Because you cannot do both You can't Sasha Sasha Gray is the only one Who's like kind of

You know straddled Those worlds of Hollywood And I mean would you have like A crew Like a Like You're gonna have a camera guy

A boom guy Yeah It's gonna be set up No that's what porn is No I know And I will be able to Much like when there's a boom And a thing And I can have real moments On much like when there's a boom and a thing

and I can have real moments on shows where people go, I just felt like that was the first time we've done this show where I felt like I was actually having a conversation with someone real who was present that you didn't notice all the lights and camera.

I'm comfortable enough as a performer with on a stage to be very vulnerable, to be very in the moment and not think about like, I hope I look hot and just be free and i think i could bring that to porn okay but a lot of women this kind of goes against the vagina thing so are you just gonna do anal yeah okay yeah never mind i got no other questions all right next uh why do i care why do i care please don't use this against me in any way i

just got really vulnerable there but i just I would never use it against you. No, no, no. I'm telling our besties. Not that they would, but, and I'm not trying to be cute. I think sometimes it's cute when girls talk about sex because they're like trying to rile men up and make, make other girls feel insecure around their boyfriend. Like sometimes when I talk about sex with you and Brenna, I like even yesterday I go, you know, I was telling her about a situation that, you know, any girl could have in her life that wouldn't involve you.

Right. And and I go, oh, I'm doing this thing. And she goes, like, that's got to be weird, though. Right. Like, how is it? I go, it's amazing. And you go, oh, it's terrible because you wanted to discourage. You made it about you when she was really just asking about my.

I was being sarcastic. You were getting a little insecure. No, I wasn't. I was being funny, dude. Okay. Sometimes you take me like serious. I'm always joking. Okay, I believe you. I mean, obviously I don't want her to do that.

But me saying like I really enjoyed this thing is not going to make her go do it. I didn't say it did. But it did make you guys go do some stuff. I mean, yesterday I was go do some stuff i mean yesterday i was talking about some stuff and then andrew goes you would like that and she was like yeah we got riled up boy i knew i left them so horned up i go i gotta go and they were gonna go play golf and i go yeah right they're gonna go play i'm the biggest fluffer for people if you go see my show i swear to god you will get horned up and it's not my intention but you will you and

your partner will like get more honest with each other and have better sex i mean that lube is i mean i was slipping the lube i think it was about uh a lot more than that i think i got you guys i think i helped your sex life yesterday i just want to say it didn't hurt it i'll tell you that why do i care uh i don't know uh selma hayek tells jada pinkett smith my breasts keep growing a lot oh yeah but they're natural and the growth is because life changes like pregnancy menopause and periods of weight gain okay so her tits are only getting bigger i mean i'm worried for her if these things oh my god they're so big. Yeah, I mean, her 2020 boobs, we're looking at a chart of 2011 to 2020.

I mean, those are so, to any girl out there who has gigantic heaving boobs, talking to you, Robin, I'm talking to you, who are my other listeners that I know that have huge tits that I go, wow, that's a lot to walk around with. That's a lot. Having that much tit on your body,

running is hard. When my boobs are a little bit fuller from my period or whatever it is, she goes, my back has been really suffering from it, she said. And not a lot of people talk about this. I mean, I can't imagine carrying around those heaving heavy boobs.

Some girls, I just know so many girls with just these gigantic tits and they don't, whether or not you do anything with them in terms of displaying them, that is up to you. And I think you should, if you like them, there should be no shame around that. You have big boobs, show them off. A lot of girls are so embarrassed because they developed early that they got so much attention, unwanted attention before they were ready for male attention that they learned to hide them. And they still do even as adult women. And I hope that they find peace with that or maybe get a reduction or, know there's a lot of things but i really think

about you and your back problems and i don't ever go oh my god she's such big boobs i hate her i go that's great she has those big boobs what a gift but also what a curse in terms of just finding things that fit finding bras bras that fit and jogging. Doing anything like dancing. Anything. Yeah. They, I mean,

yesterday I didn't wear a sports bra underneath this kind of, I was going for a run and I had a tank top on that has a bra built in from Lulu, but I, my boobs are in a situation where it's like, maybe I could have used a bra underneath that, but I could still get away with just that. And I went for a run and I was like, like they're they're going a little too much and i feel like people in cars might think that i'm trying to be hot like it's always i'm so scared

of people thinking i'm trying to be hot and maybe i am i don't even fucking know i mean throw them titties around but why do i care about this i I care because she is just being honest about her situation. And we're all jealous of her boobs. Yeah. No one wants to be like, here's Selma. Like, you built a career off your tits. And then it's like, no, I fucking hate my own tits. She didn't say she hated them.

She's just saying they're getting bigger. And it's not like she's trying to make them. Even if she did try, it wouldn't be a problem and also back issues we need to we need to consider women's back issues when we see big boobs and not just go she's such a slut or big boobs like she gets to show those things off because she takes a fucking she takes a it's a lot of it's a lot harder for her to spin class than it is for you small-titted girl who's jealous of the big boobs. Not saying all small-titted girls are. But when you hear that aggression towards big-titted girls, like, she's slut.

Or, like, she thinks she's so hot. She also has back issues that she gets to show those off whenever she wants, in my opinion. Let's get to our Wednesday wildcard segment. Today, what are we doing, Noah? We're going gonna explain this this is the segment where me and andrew spend one minute uh going into each other's rooms which we are do not normally do i've left my room completely as it was this morning when i woke up no changes have been made andrew did make some changes to his room uh based on this because he you know he has stuff he wants to hide i don't want to invade his

privacy he was warned we're gonna go into each other's room spend a minute i made no changes you did okay well i told you you could you just seem to really not want to do i took the cans off the side table okay i wouldn't have called you on that anyway we all know that you you put those i'm a can head i know a can head um nick cannon i like that you have those cans out when you have a girlfriend over so that shows me you're very comfortable with the can can being insanely comfortable if your bedside table's like has so many cans on it join the club we're a bunch of can heads over here okay uh we love seltzer we love zevia we love celsius uh so let's go into each other's rooms under one minute we have to look for a to snap a picture we bring it back and we ask the person explain this uh please I literally might have left out a sex toy.

Please don't take a picture of that because the crust on the sex toy last time grossed me out so much, the picture you took. And it was not representative because it was like a white, like when I saw it later, it was like very like delicate white snowflakey crust. And when the picture you took, it had a yellow.

You sound like a snowflake right now. It almost like you put a ring light with a golden hue. It looked like, it looked orange and it felt like i was like had a disease puss which i do not so um that's why i was so that's how i felt about the four corners of my room okay you can you can take a picture of a sex toy you can do whatever you want honestly ready and one minute right my room's a little farther so go i'm back. Three seconds.

Oh my God. Three seconds. Come on, Andrew. Okay, I got some good ones and nothing too embarrassing. Yeah. Okay, I love this game because it shows me something about myself too. I hope our viewers like this game. I know this is very intrusive.

I appreciate you, Andrew, for partaking in this thing that I made up. No, I love it. I'm on a book. I know you're cool. All right. Let's start with yours. I'm dying to know what you found. It's so hard, though. I mean, I took four photos.

So you got to choose one. I know I did two. Okay, let's go through them all. Why not? Okay. Well, how about this? We'll do least of best. No, we're on a time clock.

Okay, all right. So you got the sterile disposable scalpel let me see this right next to your toilet okay i i bought scalpels from amazon surgical scalpels scalp scalpels i hate that word and i did buy them so i could uh get a wart out of your girlfriend's foot that also might be a corn undecided still um and i also bought them for the wart on my knee that i did uh surgically remove last night with a scalpel and oh my with no anesthetic and it felt amazing and i was able to do a really good job because i watched so many videos so let me just show you my work and i'm like worried about how deep this cut is gonna be not at all i just shaved it off so i think i might have actually got all the warty

tissue off and i might be out of the woods so i legit removed it no more things to pick at it's a totally smooth flat surface and um and i put a band-aid on it it bled like crazy as warts do um but it was i put um antibacterial stuff on it and it's fine and i will see if it grows back i hope it does because it was so fun to do i i will see if it grows back i hope it does because it was so fun to do i mean this is like medieval times yeah i loved it i love i would bite on a spoon and then drink whiskey it did hurt but i was willing to take it okay let me go through yours here's mine for you we'll go back and forth um this is behind your tv okay get out of there is a belt on your desk is a belt and then a piece of gum

that has is not is disposed of it doesn't have a wrapper it's not gum what is that it's it's paper it is that you were chewing on yeah okay so that explains that he just threw a piece of paper that he was chewing on it looks like from my bed i threw it over the tv i thought exactly i thought it'd go into the crease okay uh next up for me uh mouth guard invisalign on your bathroom on your bathtub floor let me see oh wow okay so that i no longer i'm using any of the invisalign trays i have so if that ended up there it was probably in um i took it out in the shower ages ago like months ago and it was like sitting on top of that thing And it got knocked over

And just fell And I've left it Okay cool But that could go in the trash Easily Okay this is a Sauce pan Next to your bed

A sauce Where cans used to be You removed cans But you left A gigantic sauce pan On your bedside table True Like a pot

I use it to put my computer on To record my podcast oh i thought that was going to be way more interesting story okay a gigantic saucepan on his okay now what's up for you yeah that's my that's my studio uh the things we use to to prop up a shot like are hilarious everyone does it i use that in a nike box if anyone wants to know though this is a good hack to prop up to put your phone so that you can shoot yourself yeah uh a gym shoe has a perfect uh amount of and then you can you can kind of put a sock in it to give it a little bit more uh they gotta be low top yeah not hot you're

right okay uh your closet kind of a mess let me see this picture just a mess uh that is my pile of uh that yeah i've my closet is in i put all that stuff in there that's my um that's like my dirty laundry dude that that corner it's kind of going into the other corner because it's a small closet so you're right a big big mess of i'm a king of that i hide my i hide my shit in my closet and there's a duvet in there that might have had some fluids on it from the other night so i just like took it off and threw it there um all right this is your toothbrush oh boy in the shower uh next to uh your shampoo bottles on the floor in the shower your toothbrush as we know i'm a brusher in the shower he's a brusher in the shower i did check and go you know what maybe one fell he's left it there much like my

invisalign maybe there's a toothbrush next to his sink as well. Took a picture of the sink. No toothbrush in sight. So I want to know, you only brush your teeth in the shower. Yes. That means you don't brush your teeth at night. No, I don't brush my teeth at night. I'm a one-a-day brusher.

I'll admit it. That is not okay. But I floss and I pick. Okay. You've got to start brushing your teeth more than once. Andrew, I just want you to have fun. How many times do you wash a day? Brush my teeth? Brush brush my teeth brush my teeth brush my three at least three really definitely when i wake up but i've never had a song written about my mouth that's true that is true write a

poem about how my breath smells and i'll but also your toothbrush is on your shower floor like i'm a gross person and i would probably pick it up and use it again and kind of wash it off but that's where you keep it i know it's not smart i i almost googled can i put a chair in my shower like yeah what's that called a shower chair i think so a chair in your shower i mean you know what it is because my shower head's too high to get one of those like hang things oh yeah so i need something to take stuff off the floor so yeah there's a little shelves you can buy i'll give you i think i have a shelf that. I'll give you a shelf. I think I have a shelf that I can actually give you. All right.

And last one is just... Even a cup that has a toothbrush holder hole on it. You know what I mean? Like the ones on your sink you can put on the floor. Last one. Let's move into final thought. Final thought. I love this about your room.

This is actually not even... I got you. It's just a poster No frame Which we've talked about before Yeah I'm just always amazed That you went no frame

Like a college dorm And I respect it Thank you Yes I just Didn't I know myself And I know that I will

Next to a lava lamp By the way My room I mean your room is Is a 17 year old girls Yeah this is University of Kansas right here. Yeah.

It's, it's what I never got to do is it's just, I'm living, I'm just doing what I want. You know, I just, I, I'm tired of pretending like, you know, I, I'm not questioning myself. I'm not being like, Oh my God, you love Taylor Swift and you love Taylor Swift things, then pink things and girly things because you're trying to be cutesy and you want people to think you're unique and different it's just what I like like I judge everything

I do like what do you really want out of this are you trying to get people to like you more and think you're adorable and quirky exhausting

and it's like maybe I just am quirky like what do I like and I like shaving off my warts myself in like a medieval surgical the Nick

style that short-lived show clive owen and i like um and i don't care about i don't uh care about having an invisalign uh just wrangling around my tub and i also like um i like i'm gonna get a bulletin board so i can put up all my like pictures and stuff i'm just i and i like my room to look like a teenage girls and that's my cribs. When you're cutting your leg, does it, does it hurt? Yeah,

but not, you don't like the pain. No, I do. Oh, it feels satisfying to remove something that is, that I want to get off. The pain is not,

when you get down to the skin, when you got to rip out that, like when it's reaching fresh skin, cause you got it. When you're getting a ward out, I've watched enough videos. You have to scrape the good skin too, just because warty tissue, if there's even a cell of warty tissue, it will replicate again. So you have to, you literally have to like cut into your skin and cut a new skin. But I've scratched my, like.

But you're not worried about infection. Um, you know, I am, but I am someone who has, I cut myself all the time accidentally. Like my hands have open wounds all the time because I'm just a rough person and I got to deal with a lot of cardboard boxes and I, you know, get paper cuts. And I don't, I've had a staph infection before

and I know when it's, I'll get it treated if I get an infection. What happened? I had a, like a zip by my eye and I tried to pop it with a needle and i didn't burn the needle yeah this is like when i was like 22 or whatever and i woke up like three hours later and my eye was shut swollen and uh and pus everywhere and i it got infected and if you get infected right by your sinus that's right to your brain like you die you die so scary so i went to

the hospital or and uh they got me on antibiotics and this is where my brain was at i stopped taking the antibiotics so i could drink right meanwhile i know a lot of people do that infection that could kill me and eventually they he dug out the pus right yeah he cut it and then he realized i actually had a cyst under there this could have have been your biggest TikTok ever is posting this because people love popping stuff on TikToks. That's true. True. So you had a cyst that they wouldn't have found otherwise?

So then he took a cyst. I was wide awake for the surgery. He burned. Worst pain of your life? No, it wasn't that bad because he numbed it. The numb hurt. But I could hear him burning my skin. I was wide awake and the scalpel

was coming right for my eye and he had to cut out the cyst yeah so this all started from a needle yeah i'm trying to think like how many cysts do i have in me my mom scratched her eye with a key accidentally she was like itching her face and holding keys and she scratched her eye with key and like it's it's a huge issue and one time I met a guy when I was on the road. Oh, she scratched her actual eye? Yeah, just gently, but it's turned into a gigantic issue. And one time I met a guy, though, with a key. He just wanted to get, had a scratch in his ear,

and he wanted to, and it turned into a nightmare, a medical nightmare, because the key had some dirt in it, and you just don't know, so. But buy them on Amazon. Disposable scalpels. They're sterile. They're sterile. Yeah, they're sterile.

And I opened a new one. After one, I just kind of was like touching it too much with even wiping it on Kleenex to get the blood and skin off and warty tissue. I opened up a new one and I'm ready to go for it. I just wanted to do surgery on myself to prove I can do it. one and I'm ready to go for it. I just wanted to do surgery on myself to prove I can do it and now I'm ready to dig into it.

We have that new doctor friend who can, you could talk to him. I mean, you would have a field day with that guy. I want to see what he would think about this,

about my surgery that I did on myself. Thanks guys for listening to the show today. We got to go. We have a Thursday episode coming for you tomorrow. You know that.

Then we're going to be back on Monday. I think some people are taking off. We're not, even though it's not July 4th. I'm staying in town all weekend, actually. I actually can't wait to talk to you tomorrow because I have some news that I've kept from you guys that's kind of sad news, and I didn't want to talk about it

until I knew it was kind of out of the woods but we're not so much out of the woods anyway i have a i have something to share tomorrow that i'm excited to bring you guys in on not excited but um no you don't even know about it because i just didn't want you to be so sad but um and july 10th a loved one in my life uh was in a terrible accident and um and i've been dealing with that, but that everything seems like it's going to be okay. And I actually have a great story of an accident turning into a really great thing

that I'll share with you tomorrow at the top of the show. So tune in then and we'll see you then. Don't be cut and all the swells. And July 10th, Waterloo, New York. Oh, July 10th, Waterloo, New York at a casino. If you guys are anywhere near there and then obviously july 30th my tour really kicks off but july 10th is gonna be fun i'm excited i am too so soon uh we'll see you there thanks for listening don't be

john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.