The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #60 Skull and Bones, A Hand, Two Blank Faces and Another Hand

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Nikki addressed the cliffhanger from yesterday's show. Andrew is way more relaxed than yesterday and touches upon his retirement lifestyle. Nikki talks about Andrew's strange behavior in her room while she was avoiding the Task Rabbit, In the headlines: thongs, words we can't pronounce about sleep deprivation, kids over a billion dollars and Andrew could have been the Tour De France sign lady. Listener mail is dubbed a new name and in the Final Thought, they ponder does being in expert at something mean you aren't working hard enough? Hmmm. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki Hey guys Happy end of the week It's Thursday's show I'm sad to close out the week But I have a whole show ahead of me What am I getting sad about?

Let me just enjoy the moment, right? I'll miss you this weekend But we will be back on Monday With a whole new batch of shows next week Why am I already getting excited about shows that Let's get excited about this show i'm very excited for this show i've already done a ton of radio this morning i went into um if you're uh if you listen you can actually download the app and listen anywhere but i am often on the arch radio station in st louis missouri 6 106.5 the Arch. They have a great morning show called The Courtney Show,

which is like the number one show up in St. Louis, like morning show for like, you know, like the demo that I'm talking, you guys, like you would enjoy the show. And it's, but it's morning radio. If you enjoy morning radio show, I recommend that. And I'm on it quite often. My ex-boyfriend is one of the hosts of that show or co-hosts of the show his name is chris convey went in there i i used to call in every thursday and now i just go in when

i can it was so fun today noah i went in and um greg warren was in there a comedian one of my best friends as well he we told hilarious stories and then a brando the other co-host his son was there owen who is 11 and i guess people were tweeting or texting into the show that they were horrified that owen was there because of i guess my dirty mouth but i'm on terrestrial radio i was behaving myself yeah i did go a little hard on cosby but uh probably deserve it they do this thing called like the hollywood minute or like Hollywood Insider and and Brando goes through all the celebrity news of the day it's kind of a why why do I care but like you they act excited about it because they have to but we were talking about Cosby which by the

way I got the Cosby alert yesterday when I was searching Andrew's room to take a picture of something disgusting in his room and I don't know why I didn't come back and go can we talk about that like I later on I go why did you just I wasn't ready to handle what that alert said that he was walking free like I couldn't it's so weird when I got it I was literally like no you have to focus Nikki don't think about Cosby focus on finding on figuring out why Andrew his toothbrush is on the floor in the shower. Like that was my priority then. It's such a weird thing that I can do of compartmentalizing, like really tragic fucking shit.

Um, but I went off on Cosby today on this, you know, family friendly radio show. All I said was that I hope he dies a terrible, painful accident, like a death that is like not good and i go can you hope death onto someone is that legal i didn't say anyone to do it i just said i hope like i pray to a higher power that cosby his at the end of his life is not fun and

then i also claimed pretty brazenly that he's probably murdered before because I I read somewhere back when this was all going down you know Cosby has 60 accusers that I think many are anonymous but like on record 60 accusers which means when there's one there's you know most people that rape uh don't just do it one time and so if there's 60 it's like cockroaches there's and I'm not comparing rape victims to cockroaches by any means um but where there's if there's 60, it's like cockroaches. There's, and I'm not comparing rape victims to cockroaches by any means, but where there's one, there's hundreds. So I also made the claim that I heard before, and I think it's probably likely

that Cosby probably accidentally killed a woman, possibly because he used to drug them. And it's not like he was giving them drugs based on their weight. Like he didn't really seem to care about these women women It's not like he would have dosed them correctly And a lot of these women were so drugged that they needed days to recover when they did wake up So to think that one of these women may not have woken up or had a bad reaction to the thing that they gave her Is not outlandish at all. I would probably like to hear a doctor talk about what are the odds of that happening.

And then what do you think would have happened if a woman died while he was drugging her back in the 70s and 80s and 90s when he was all powerful? And it's this woman that you could maybe, he could have covered it up is what I'm saying. He easily could have killed someone based on the stuff he was doing.

Allegedly all this is alleged of course. Um, but that's not, he is, uh, allegedly the, the most prolific serial rapist in history. If you,

uh, if, if you want to look that up, um, I mean, there's no one else. And the fact that he's walked free is truly insane. But I,

I just want to say the tweet that i put out yesterday um which is how i feel about all of it because i was thinking about what do i tweet i don't want to tweet a joke about cosby i don't want to i just this is how i feel i said today i have a lot of love for anyone who hasn't been believed when you took a chance and told the truth let's keep telling it honesty is a type of freedom these monsters will never feel even after they're released from prison. And I really believe that like, yesterday wasn't just hard for Cosby victims. It was just hard for anyone

who just hasn't been believed before when you took a chance to tell the truth, which is really hard to do because you think maybe people won't believe you and then your worst fear comes true and no one does. So if you're someone, no matter which, what a little truth you told or a big truth or anytime you weren't believed i believe you even if i don't know it and it and you don't need anyone to justify it and you don't need someone behind bars for it to have happened and for you to have your

feelings validated and i just want you to know that telling the truth and being able to be a good enough person where you can live honestly and not worry about being put behind bars is a true freedom that these guys will never have and never even know and they probably don't even know that they would want it but they do and they can't have it because they're bad people and they were essentially born that way i mean their brains are fucked up and um so to any victim out there that yesterday was probably pretty hard for hearing that news um i'm really sorry for the pain you might be feeling and you're really strong and i hope everyone just keeps telling the truth and calling out this shit when it happens even the littlest thing I mean I've

told before that I I've had guys grab my ass before I have a joke in my stand-up about how I've you know been harassed in many different ways but no one's ever grabbed my ass and the truth is it just doesn't happen that often I know that's the thing that happens to women a lot especially women with like you know asses that are a little bit bigger or just better asses, like, quote unquote, better looking like men, gross men sometimes grab it, you know, and act like it's an accident. And then you if you were to speak up about it, they go, I did it. And it's your word against theirs. I used to always feel like I couldn't say that as someone with a bad ass. My ass is pretty flat and not like something that you go

oh that's the first thing we'd like to grab on her but that doesn't mean it hasn't been grabbed and I used to not call it out because I felt like so my biggest fear would be a guy being like I would never grab your ass are you kidding me you think I would want to do that and so I just let it go and then when I did speak up, guess what happened? That happened. And I felt like, oh my God, did I maybe imagine it? And like, it just sends you on such a loop. And that's just a very minor example. And I've been lucky to not been assaulted.

I've just been lucky to not have been sexually assaulted in another way. That's all it is, is luck, bad luck. If you've been raped or molested or anything I'm sorry to start off on this note but I just want you to know that it's not because you I know you know it's not your fault and that's what everyone says but truly it's just bad luck it's the same kind of luck that you can have if you win the lottery. Honestly, like it's just odds. And they were just against you that day. And it's nothing you did. Truly.

And I know that's hard to grasp because sometimes you're like, but I shouldn't have gone. I should have known better. Literally everything you do is not your fault if you don't believe in free will. And I would, you know, I hope this helps someone. I don't even know who I'm helping. I wanted to talk about yesterday. I got into it at the very end. I teased it. I don't mean to tease a tragic story, but Marion, my dog, who many of you may be familiar with, I got her as a rescue dog. I would say in 2017, I was fostering her. She ended up being so cute that I kept her. The funny thing

is I was checking into a hotel last week in Bev Hills and the guy at the front desk knew who I was. He was very sweet and seemed to have a familiarity with me. Oh man, I just pulled out a hangnail. Ooh, that's a bleeder. And he goes, I just have to tell you. And I go, yeah. And he was like, this is really random, but my partner and I were supposed to get Marion, but then you decided to keep her. We were like ready for Marion to walk through her door. And I was like, I go, I am so sorry because she's amazing. I go, she really, I wish I could tell you she's not as good, but she's better. She's literally the best dog I've ever owned. Sorry, Luigi. Earmuffs. I showed him a picture on my phone of her. She's my home screen. I go, look at this. You could have had this. I go, dude, I owe you. That really sucks that you

didn't get her. You missed out. I go, did you get a different dog? They're like, no. I go, you got to get another one, but it's not gonna be as good as her. I'm sorry. And this is all, it was really cute. He was so sweet, but he really did miss out. And I felt bad that I robbed him of the opportunity to have Marion. Marion though, she lives with my parents now. I moved to New York shortly after I kept her and it wasn't a good life to have for a dog. I was getting her walked, you know, countless times a day by dog walkers and Andrew and

myself and I had doggy daycare, but it would just, I would watch them on the doggy cam at the daycare and my two dogs would just sit at the window and look outside all day. They wouldn't play. It was just tragic. And I go, I can't do this. I have to stay in New York. So I asked my parents to adopt them in the interim until I had a better place and then they fell in love with Marion so much I have Luigi now back but

Marion and they love Luigi but they they didn't want to give Marion back and um and as someone who grew up in their house and had seen how they raised dogs, like I knew I was giving it to a trusting home. I mean, they raised me, so I trust them. So don't come at me for like, you can't just give away your rescue dog because that is frowned upon in the rescue community. But I did let my, oh, Natalie just wrote me. She actually is Marion's, you know, first, she, Natalie Garcia runs Mayday Rescue in LA LA that's where I got Luigi and Marion um but she just wrote me being like are they okay she was cool about me giving him to my parents and I did give Marion is my parents dog even though I I you know I I've I've given over her to them because she's just so loved she loves my dad so much it's like it's weird it's and she's just she's just a good dog for like elderly people like not elderly but like moving into elderly age she's just so sweet and they've never had a little dog before they are so sold on little dogs anyway Marion was attacked Friday night almost a week ago by a the neighbor's dog our next door neighbor my dad was bringing her out to walk and the dog

just came out of nowhere and attacked marian and you know this dog did not have a history of violence it's a newish dog it's like probably a year old or something but um you know it was meaning well it was probably just trying to whatever i just don't i'm not mad at that dog i really am not um my dad fell on the ground my mom fell she dropped her phone broke her phone Marion was attacked they got the dog off and um Marion had a seven inch gash across her stomach I put up a picture on my story it looks like she was halved like it looks like she was cut down the center which I always had a joke the weird part is I used to have a joke about Marion because she

looks a hundred she's like four at this point like she was probably a year or two when I got her so she's maybe four or five and the funny thing is when I was friends with Jennifer Lawrence for like uh you know a year of my life when we were I mean we'd still be friends not we didn't have a falling out but we were hanging out for a while and I went over to her house one day and I brought Marion because she was obsessed with Marion and um Emma Emma Stone came over to the house we were having a piercing party I think I've told the story before it's like my only general people are like you're friends with her you only tell one story of when you hung out with her yeah I know um but I went over there and Emma I'll never forget Emma Stone walking in the room she goes by a different name for some reason oh they were calling her like I forget there's a different name they call Emma Stone if you're

really close with her which I didn't get to that point obviously because I don't remember but Emma walked in she goes oh my god well first of all that's Jennifer Lawrence Moore they both kind of sound the same Jennifer would just be like oh my god God, I love this dog. It's amazing. This dog is one of my favorite dogs. Like that smoky, sensual voice she has. But I remember Emma Stone walking in. I met her and she goes, oh my God, who is this? And I was like, it's Mary.

And she goes, oh my God, is she a hundred? It was so funny that she's, because she does look a hundred. She's so old looking, which is my thing i love most about her but i had a joke though that the only way to figure out how old marion is is someday i would slice her down the middle and count the rings inside like an old tree and i used to like picture slicing her and how funny funny that would be she literally has a gash that is like a slice this dog was on death's door all weekend it was really really scary um my parents called me on friday i picked up the phone you know when you get an emergency call of like a bad news and you're like what up and you answer the phone like what's up and my

mom's like marion was attacked i'm like uh what it was harrowing my parents brought her to the emergency room she had a tube up her nose because of covid she had to just be to the emergency room. She had a tube up her nose because of COVID. She had to just be at the emergency room all weekend. She just got out of the hospital yesterday. They weren't able to see her until two days ago. So she was there by herself all weekend. She had a tube up her nose because she wasn't eating to feed her. And she survived.

Her wound wasn't really healing. They stitched it up. I mean, it's a huge gas and she's a very little dog. But she is doing really well. She's home. I get to watch her over the weekend. I'm so excited because my parents are going out of town and they're like, we'll stay in town.

We want to take care of her. And I was like, please, please give me this job. I have maternal instincts that are not being soothed and I'm taking them out in different ways and I need to take care of something. I need to hold something to my bosom and and you know I know and I'm good with wounds you know that I mean I just created one on my hand by ripping off a hangnail and I did surgery the other day so I'll do a little surgery on her no I just am excited about being like a gentle caretaker for her this weekend she's gonna live my dad just posted a thing about it i

started getting texts from all these friends that follow my dad being like is marion okay um and she is she's gonna die someday but it won't be today we have a great show for you uh andrew is going to be here momentarily we're gonna get to the news we're going to read our best email uh listener mail which we have a new name for and And I can't wait for all of it. Here comes Andrew. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew.

Good morning. Good morning, buddy. We've been up. You always get up early and go to your classes every morning. We never talk about it, but you're like a farmer. Every morning you go out and you drive far to go take a class. A farther. You go out. I drive far to go take a class a farther you go out you i mean yeah no i wake up i do an eight o'clock class every morning i live a kind of a retiremently lifestyle i eat at like 5 30 i'm i'm i'm he's literally in bed by eight

o'clock i'm always like i kind of want to hang out later and you you came out last night and you wanted to hang with me and like chat. And I was in the middle of this insane text exchange. And so I was just like, I go, where were you earlier, dude? I was looking for someone to hang out with, but you were napping. You came out of your lair and then you wanted to chat. And I was like, I can't support. I can't be there for him right now. And you went back in your lair.

Well, we know each other so well where I'm like, oh, she's in it. I'm going to, I'll see you tomorrow yeah yeah like we both know when we want time away and when we want time together we are on a little different time schedule for sure but i mean mine is like i wake up uh 20 minutes after we're supposed to be on air already and then i text noah that it's going to be 20 more minutes no I usually wake up like a half hour ideally a half hour before the show walk the dog get Starbucks slam an oatmeal and then I come in here and do it and then um but you're usually up at 7 30 my alarm is set at 6 50 I've never been a morning person right but I just the routine has helped my brain. Like I feel so much more chill.

I think I could be a better person. I do the eight o'clock class. I'm not like obsessed with it. It doesn't feel like, it just feels like, okay. It's part of my day. I'm just going to do it. It's done. And now I don't even like look at, like I used to lift and be like, what's my body?

How's my body looking? What's it doing to my obliques how are my calves it's really not about it's literally just like oh this is a step in my day that kind of gives me some kind of schedule because yeah our lives are not scheduled really yeah it's just a habit i read someone i think jordan peterson there was some kind of clip of some intellectual saying that you if you want to improve your life and be the best version of yourself you cannot do it without habits yeah it's are the one thing that you need and i don't have my life is not i have to say that i don't agree with him because i i kind of just go by what feels good in the moment. I mean, I definitely have things I like to do every day,

but, um, for me, habits turn into obsessions and then OCD. And then if I break it, then I might as well just never go back. Like when I get obsessed with exercising, it's every day or it's no days.

Um, but I'm glad that you have a good routine. It's just, I wish you could stay up later. I know. I, I, I wish I was more of a night owl. um but i'm glad that you have a good routine it's just i wish you could stay up later i know i i i wish i was more of a night owl sometimes i get insecure that we don't have like so much in common as much as maybe we thought before you know i don't know like you like to play guitar i like to play guitar but it's not like something i'm like real like passionate about so i sometimes

i feel like your your uh hobbies or your stuff isn't quite as lined up as I as I thought I don't know what were we doing before that was so lined up I sitting in Starbucks not talking to a joke I guess not anything maybe we just didn't live together so I didn't did you know I was just into sports and stuff like that i feel like no no i did it i mean i did but i i i really don't i i'm i know that based on living with you and with sports and it's not that bad but i don't want to be with i can't i don't want to marry a man who cares about sports if i can help it i mean it's something i probably will have to just give into but if someone needs to like watch the game um or like tune in and and this is the thing i understand playoffs like i do understand the importance of the other day i put

on the semi-final there was semi-finals the other day and i go how many like when is this going to be over though i wasn't asking to be like a bitch i really wasn't i was just trying to figure out like how important is this game and i was, like, kind of understand the excitement around it. And it turns out the end of this season isn't for so long. Two weeks, I said. Two weeks to get excited about the end of the season, two weeks out of a sport that I don't hear you talk about a lot. Like, it's not like you're obsessed. I understand if basketball is life.

Like, and you talk about, but to me, it's just a thing that you got into it's not like that you just like are bored so you turn on the game like it's not to me i just feel like you're not look you don't seem like the type of person that has to watch the game but you were that day i'm not that person i mean there's 65 or 60 i don't there's like 70 games maybe eight i'm sorry like 82 games in a season. I don't give a fuck about. And how many vaginas does the duck have? 74. Okay.

One for each penis a duck owns. Owns. Doesn't have. Owns. I wasn't way off by that. By the way, we got a lot of messages that ducks have a lot of tunnels in there. They do. They have a lot of vagina holes.

Okay. Go back to sports. Hold on. No, no. That there's 82 games. I don't give a fuck of tunnels in there. They do. They have a lot of vagina holes. Okay, go back to sports. Hold on. No, no, that there's 82 games. I don't give a fuck about the regular season, but if it's, you know, semifinals, the finals in the Western Conference, I'm invested.

I enjoy it. There's something at stake. Yeah. Well, this was the option, Noah. Can I just present to you? I was making dinner, and, like, The Bachelorette was on, but I also, like, I don't mind watching it later

because it records and i'll zip through it because it's so much filler at this point in the season anyway and the game he's watching a game and it's early in the bachelorette i mean how many more weeks is it oh yeah it's very that's what i said it's so it's very early that's why i said i don't need to watch it but it would have been something that we could both enjoy because i just don't enjoy basketball on any level like i cannot care i i just it's not that i'm not gonna try to i just i've tried before and i just don't care but um i go you offered to go watch the game in your room and i said i would honestly rather sit here with you just the company of a guy like of my roommate in the room i just like someone being there even if we're not talking and we're not watching the same thing i'll eat i'll watch you watch tv i'd rather

that than sit alone and watch what i want to watch if that makes sense so that's just a testament to like i just like being around you and i like that's why i get so sad when you go to bed because i can't enjoy tv alone i just can't it won't happen but sometimes when i feel like we're together like last night for instance like you were on your phone you get into your phone and then i don't feel like you're present i wasn't and i told you that when i was on the phone i go i'm so sorry dude i just got into this text conversation with someone that is like insane and you were like why is it insane i was like i can't even tell you because i'm in it right now it turned to a call i, how often do text conversations go?

We just need to talk to it on the phone. And it was, it was wild. I can't wait to tell you about it. Easter egg, but a fashion. So, um,

but yeah, I, I don't, in terms of our hobbies overlapping and things we can share together, I am going to event. You asked me to go golfing with you all the time. And I want you to keep asking me cause someday I'm just going to be like yeah I'm in the mood for that um because I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal uh and I can never predict if I'm going to want to

play golf because if I'm doing that I'm never going to want to but sometimes I'm just like yeah I could do this um when it comes to guitar like I love when you play with me like when because I can just teach you some chords and then go to strum along. And then I sound less shitty if there's just someone playing with me. Um, and so I always love when you do, but I don't want to force you to. And I,

and you know, guitar for me is like golf. Like you can be lost for hours in golf and I can just be in here alone. I'm not like sad alone being like, I wish someone would play with me. Like, yeah, I love it. It's me. Like, yeah, I love it. It's great. And

your thing. And then yesterday you tried to hang out in my room because we had a task. That was hilarious. Okay. So yesterday was crazy, by the way. Andrew's gone all day fixing his phone and I don't really have any. And my swing. Yeah. And did you have a golf lesson?

An impromptu golf lesson which led to a very upset Andrew but I'm okay now. Oh, really? It's a golfer thing. I'm great on the mat and then I got on the course and I didn't translate because... Too early in the season for me to jump on that story.

Wait till I get in the playoffs. So yesterday, no, just to make a long story short i really took care of a lot of shit yesterday i i got done with the podcast i got i sent off some emails that i've just you know those emails that just gmail brings up to the top and goes like do you want to write back to this and you're like i know gmail finished those thank god came up with an idea for the tour like came up with a plan for the tour like i'm starting to like put the tour together even though i've been pushing that got all that

done then a bestie had written me about assisting me got this girl to come over 20 minutes later she's at my house i send her off to target i send her for a run i make a list of things she needs to get done which is work in and of itself she goes off on that plan she's such a sweet girl thank you Megan she's like a young stand-up comedian um and student nearby she was awesome then I had a task rabbit come over to hang shelves and stuff and um he he turned out to be a fan and I didn't know until he got inside because he was just looking at me and kind of like he goes are you Dickie Glazer and I was like yeah and he was like oh my god oh my god like I'm a like I I'm a huge Joe Rogan guy and listen to Theo and Joey Diaz and I don't know anything about Joey Diaz like literally nothing like zero info and he kept asking me about Joey Diaz and I kept going I have he goes so what's

he doing now with the greatest American show and I was like I don't know any of the words you're saying I literally go Joey Diaz is a blind spot in my comedic knowledge i don't know anything about him for some reason i've i know he talks like this and i know he said some controversial stuff but i don't he's friends with joe rogan i don't know any smoke cigars i follow him on instagram but i don't know anything about him keep going and this guy just kept trying to bring up stuff he was very nice and he got the stuff done i needed to uh efficiently but i was hiding in my room because i just didn't want to chit chat i was like needed him to get his work done i was having uh my sex partner come over at a certain time so i needed him to get out before that guy came over and uh because we were fucking

on the shelves that he was putting up just kidding and just kidding that's what my mom says um so then i was hiding in my room practicing guitar and just cleaning my room and just, you know, in my room like teenage girl in a room. And by the way, Nikki's room is far away from my I don't know if people realize like your room is very tucked in the corner. Yes, it's over the corner, not close to Andrew's. And and I hear a knock, a rapping on my door. I thought it was the task rabbit being like, what do you want me to do next? Even though I had I was kind of annoyed because I'm like, he knows knows what i want he knows every task i want him to complete as the rabbit and uh i opened the door i go yeah and it's andrew and i literally thought no he goes you

need to see these and i thought what did you think i had what i thought happened was that something happened with the task rabbit guy and you were like dude you need to see he's like jerking off on our sofa like i thought something was really wrong because you go you need to see this and i was like well i was first i was scared and then you i looked down and you have flip-flops in your hand adidas flip-flops like the old school the ones with the massage little yeah things it's like a bunch of little massage you go do you know these you gotta get these and i go i made you put it on i go yeah i love these i was excited because they do bring me back to swim practice in high school every kid had those yeah and they're um and it's the first time he's

ever had the ones with a little like kind of the first time i've knocked on your door really i get excited about weird except the one time we saw the neighbors having sex and you came in to knock on those two things yeah but this time i thought i was like this was way less uh interesting than our neighbors fucking but you go you gotta get these and i go okay and then i tried one on i'm just at my doorway tried it on gave it back to you i was like oh where'd you get him he's like amazon i'm like oh cool okay um all right and i have my guitar around my neck like i'm like i want to get back to this and uh i just slowly shut the door your door was locked too and i yeah yeah because i just didn't want

any bursting it i wasn't doing anything wrong i was just like smoking weed and playing taylor swift like i was just like hanging out i'm eating snacks too at my desk and i was just like having a moment and then you interrupted it and um i would love for you to come hang out in my room and chat with me when i'm just playing guitar like yeah i wouldn't mind that at all like let it be known just not them you can come hang in my room anytime you want except for except when i tell you no you know but it's but but if you tell a dog no over and over again he's gonna stop barking but until you tell the dog live on a podcast i there this dog's ready ready to hang out in your room i like

hanging in rooms and i'm my room in the same bed like like like best friends i mean i probably could sleep next to you because i do sleep like a mummy like i stay on one side so we probably wouldn't touch i'd feel i've slept in beds with a lot of wait so i gotta sleep on on the suntan side and the cum? Yeah, it's the shh. It's not shit. It's tan, I think. It's tanner. Yes. We definitely could sleep in the same bed.

But you got to come hang in my room more, dude. Okay. Seriously. We'll come in there. Treat it like college. You just come and buy. Sometimes I don't want you to, but most of the time, I'm down for a hang. Because I like hanging in my room.

I'm getting good mood lighting in there. I'm putting up Christmas lights and posters. It's going to feel. I got a bunch of dumb. I'm getting good mood lighting in there. I'm putting up Christmas lights and like posters. It's going to feel, I got a bunch of dumb posters I'm so excited about. I'm going to cut a Gatorade bottle and we're going to smoke weed and we're going to blow it in there.

Yeah, we'll put in air fresheners in it. So the Taz Rabbit slash RA doesn't get us in trouble. As our fucking RA comes by, we'll just tell her like, be cool, man. She's like, I'm not, I'm trying to be cool,

but you're not helping me be cool. Yeah, I like. It's like, chill out, RA. I love living with you man um i'm not i'm i'm trying to be cool but you're not helping me be cool yeah i like chill out ra i love living with you and uh and it's a perfect symbiosis of our oh we're definitely figuring out each other's symbiosis and now that i got this uh assistant she's gonna get us groceries she's gonna get us anything we want like she seems nice she's going to guitar center for me today she's gonna get me an amp she's gonna get me uh picks i'm amped i i mean i'm so psyched for my new assistant i'm so excited for my task rabbit i'm so excited to admit when i can't do something and to ask for help which uh not everyone can afford to do that kind of thing but you can kind of do that in your

own life of that was something that my abusive therapist really helped me see was she was like ask for help like you don't have to do comedians especially want to control everything like when i first when i just decided to start asking people to help me with roast jokes and also with my stand-up act like asking people to look at it and write tags for me i got so much better and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Stand-up's a lonely world, man. So is life. People find out that stand-ups have writers

and they go, oh, they're not real. It's like, what about TV shows you love? What about, you love Conan. Country music artists you love. Yeah, what about any- Rappers you love. Even Taylor Swift, who writes 99% of all of our own stuff, works with people that offer her lines that guy from the

national yes the guy behind the guy can i say a quick disclaimer verizon guy i got my verizon it wasn't for six hours it didn't after i paid my bill which it said an hour but someone reached out to me from verizon that works for he's a listener yeah i just want to let everyone know i didn't curse out an actual human being i wrote to a robot a robot that gives an automatic response and the only way i was able to deal with it was to just go fuck you robot you know what i mean yeah like i would never i wouldn't be fucking with artificial intelligence though because they're about to get smarter than us and as soon as they figure out i was thinking the same thing in the shower this morning they're about to get smarter than us. And as soon as they figure out. I was thinking the same thing in the shower this morning. They're going to come for you first.

Well, we're going to have to start. A robot will show up at my door. And I'll be like, I think I know where you're headed. Oh, is this when you guys turn on us? Okay, well, he's back there to the right. In slides practice golf swing. Yeah, yeah. And you will be decapitated.

And then I'll come for it. How far until we go hey man don't talk that way to the computer like until computers have feelings siri i do respond to siri or you know what every time on zoom noah what noah records our zoom call just in case our back for a backup and every time if you've been on a Zoom meeting recently, you know that there's record. What does she say? The voice goes, recording in progress. Yeah. Whoa, she's good at that.

Really good at it, Noah. And every time I go, we get it, bitch. Like, I'm so mean to this woman. We're so mean to it. And I always, I even said, when the first time we heard it, I wondered if it was like a man being like, recording in progress. I'd be like, thank you, sir. Like, is it, am i not liking her because she's

a woman and that's kind of shitty i don't know i don't know who knows but i mean i guess if we talk shit in a few years people are gonna be like dude just can't computers have rights man there's sometimes when my siri talks to me and goes like well that wasn't very nice and i'm like whoa what did you say to her you know i just go like shut up you dumb bitch like you know like she'll just sometimes i'll like accidentally do it. And I'll be like, I swear to God, my Siri,

first of all, thinks my name's Blythe. And it will never, one time I was over at Dan Soder's house. I sat down on my phone in a weird way. I'll never forget it. And it, and I sat down on my phone.

It overheard a conversation and it goes, okay, okay. Okay. Blythe from now on, I'll call you Blythe. And go what the and i go that was just meant to be yeah it sounds like a character from arrested development it thought yeah it i needed to be called blythe and so from now on my phone has always thought i'm blythe

it's it i love that nickname for you i think it's so funny maybe computers are they know what's okay nikki from now on i'll call you blight i was like yes you will bitch don't call me that my name is okay we gotta get to the news look i wrote the guy back by the way and we found an understanding and we're all good you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh boy it's Thursday. You know what that means. The weekend's coming up and we're going to have all the swells.

Hopefully you find out. Fourth of July. Yeah, get some fireworks, get on a boat, eat a hot dog, you know, kill your wife. Have fun out there.

Please don't kill your wife. Oh, that's not part of the divorce. I mean, I'm sure some wives will die this weekend, but I don't think, isn't that weird that there is a wife that is alive right now. Statistically, a wife is wives will die this weekend but I don't think isn't that weird that there is a wife that is alive right now statistically a wife is going to die this weekend it's just true

I know there's just no way it won't happen her last words are going to go Destin we're in Destin oh you think it's going to happen in Destin that's probably in Florida that's really weird if you predict this we're going to all we will know the robots going to come for you mister all right all right

first story thong bikinis are the official swimsuit of hot girl summer how do we feel about listen i'm on board i um never thought as a flat-ass woman flat-asser like i yeah i'm a classic flat-asser and uh you can try to sail to the edge of it you'll fall right off um i i always hated this and i'm really i was annoyed when picking out a two-piece for the past few years because the most cheek you can get covered is like a half cheek now there's like this it you can't get full coverage uh on your bottom on any bikini it really is nearly impossible and i know there are girls listening right now nodding along you can't find full coverage where my the crease from which my thigh meets my butt

cheek sometimes there's two creases or three because i just have like a flat ass and sometimes i'm not toned and it can it maybe there's not a crease it's like three crease it's like not a good look miley cyrus vmas 2017 look or 2013 go look it up um that's what my ass will look like and um and i want to i want to scoop all that up and put it in the suit you know what i'm saying like i want to scoop down my thigh and have it pulled up like a kind of a trainer bra for my butt. You can't find those anymore. What you do find is cheek. And you know what? I just, for the same thing that I did about my cellulite the other day,

which by the way, I had a great message from a girl about the cellulite. I just want to read real quick. And I'll tell you what I do for this swimsuit fix. Because I am an adopter of the thong. I do like it now. Didn't always. And I got there because of the same kind of thing. So, oh wait, this wasn't the,

which one was the cellulite one? Was that in the same note you gave me? Scroll down. Scroll down, I'm so sorry. Okay, this is from Anna on Instagram. I'm listening to you guys talk about cellulite and your Lulu shorts, and it made me think of how when I was a kid, my little sister was like,

what's the dent on the side of your leg? And my dad goes, you're not going to like that when you're older, which was such a dick comment, LOL, but I never forgot it. And I've always been so self-conscious about my legs because of that. I think we can all relate to one little comment that happened in our

childhood that was totally innocuous. And our dad was just trying to be funny and cheeky about your cheeks. And, and, and you never forgot it and you were always worried about it so this is very uh relatable she says i'm um and i've always been so self-conscious about my legs because of that i'm tiny but just genetically i have a decent amount of cellulite when i started dating my boyfriend i asked him if he minded my cellulite and he literally didn't even know what it was. Like I had to explain to him what cellulite is and point it out on my body. Something that I spent so much time stressing about.

He literally didn't even notice. After that, I realized how much time I've wasted and just can't give a fuck about it anymore. My body is not gonna change. I just need to accept it. Also, one of my favorite quotes from the book, More Than a Body, is your body is an instrument

not an ornament um i love this that feeling of like for me my breakthrough moment of like i can't change this this is just who i am was like if i could change it i would but it's not happening so i like this isn't my fault i'm not wanting to have my ass have like three lines on it I want a perfect butt and I know there are things that could probably get me to do that I don't have enough time to do it because i'm spending other things in my life doing other things I would have a perfect butt if I couldn't I wasn't given that so fuck it I'm, not like a criminal because I have a flabby ass and i'm not like that is such a freeing thing that this girl was able to get to on her own

and it brings me back to the thong because i was in cayman islands and i was gifted a lot of thong swimsuits by this brand out there that i have to remember but i forget now great swimsuits and um i for the first remember the day i wore a thong i do i i don't even think you saw me in it because i wore shorts over it but i was still wearing the thong and i went down and i like i did go in the thong by myself when i was staying at the hotel by myself and i it felt i am not someone who should ever be in a thong i wouldn't even wear thongs naked in front of like with boyfriends because i just thought it's such a bad look for a girl with a flat ass my ass is fucking incredible i would change my ass for the world i love that it's so tiny and disappointing i love that it uh sometimes looks like sad and like uh an airbag that went off in a corolla after it's at

the tow yard and it's just like like sagging down like like a like a balloon i don't give a fuck and guess what anyone else who loves me as much as i love my butt is gonna love my saggy fucking stupid butt too that sometimes has a dry patch on it and right now has a really weird red bug bite on it that is not going away and i'm kind of concerned i don't care anyone who's gonna love me as much as i love myself because i do is gonna accept it and thong bikinis fucking wear your thongs ladies hell yeah wear whatever the goddamn even if you hate your body because you might you might be in a battle with your body it might be totally betraying you you actually want to lose weight and you it won't go off and you're trying everything and it's

betraying you you're doing everything you can and even if you're not doing everything you can wear your goddamn swimsuit do not miss out on any fun because you are worried about looking fat or pale or, or dented in front of people who you think decide who you are. I know this is all like very easy to say and not like let sink in, but I swear to you, I have been able to let it sink in. And I never thought that any of those platitudes about body acceptance would ever work for me. I was always smarter than them. That's for other women who are dumb and just learn to just live with it.

My mom always used to say that when I would complain about being ugly. Just be happy with what God gave you. And first of all, my mom doesn't believe in God. So I was always like, why are you telling me that? But I just never believed it. That wasn't soothing to me. But I promise you all, if I can do it and love my body

as someone who's hated my body more than you, as much as you can hate your body, you can do it too. And I promise you that if I can do it, you can. And again, if you wanna know what has gotten me to a place of body acceptance in a good relationship, you can always DM me and I will tell you my secret. And I will hope that you won't tell anyone else my secret. But if you are looking for a solution to your problem with body image, you can always hit me up. That's my end of my tirade.

How do you feel about thong swimsuits and thongs in general, Andrew? I love them. I mean, these trends of, you know, free the nipple thongs. I mean i love them i mean these trends of you know free the nipple thongs i mean rock your labia i don't care do whatever you want i do want to say though there have been times in your friendship and i'm not calling this i am just i'm playing devil women yeah yeah i want to know because that that got in my head not you just like being friends with guys and hearing them comment about women's bodies,

about things that maybe I've had or could have, or eventually did have. And I go, Oh my God, I remember those guys making fun of that one girl for this thing. That's now showing up on me. What if that happens to me? I feel that when my jawline.

Okay. So you'll say this guy has no jaw. And then I'm like, I don't really have a strong jaw. That's me being, I could love any if I love someone I will love them for the their whatever they have and you know

that is true yeah I hope I'm getting there as well and it might make me judge someone before I get to know them but I think once you love someone it would never stop you and if it does if I always reason that if you know when you were in a place where a girl's ankle hair would make you go oh I don't really want to fuck her anymore that that if you know when you were in a place where a girl's ankle

hair would make you go oh i don't really want to fuck her anymore that that's you don't want to date a guy who's not going to want to fuck you because your ankle hair that was a thing you were doing or a happy trail like with a girl had a little bit of a happy trail or if a girl has cellulite if you don't want to be with her because of that that's your problem and that's not you i'm just saying anyone else's that's a sad person that you you're you should be glad they have something like that so that you know who they are and you can avoid them it's not your issue so let's get to the next story i mean look i have a tail on my butthole yeah like who am i to judge but at the same time i can be very judgmental of men's looks and i realize that i can i can also judge

quickly and i just know that that's my that's my problem and that that person uh could be the love of my life and i'm maybe missing out on it because of that and so i try to just um i just try to be aware of those things i do think i can't help it i do think two things can be true i think you could find something not pleasing to yourself right like like not please aesthetically pleasing to you about yourself yeah but also not judging it and like looking down or worse it's not a moral issue it's not because they're a bad person it's not because they're lazy or because they can't control themselves around food or it's because they are they are they are not able to do a thing that might alleviate that but it's not because they don't because they're trying to because they are they don't want to it's because

life gets in the way and i um yeah i just yeah and the upkeep of being a woman and the idea of the bikini that you have to fucking wear is wild we get to wear long shorts that go to past our knees but i really want i'm wearing a speedo this summer wish for the world if i could like even one of my listeners and i hate when people go if i could just change one if one of my listeners is able to wear a swimsuit this summer and you usually wouldn't it would mean more to me than all the money i could make on tour this summer i'm not joking you I really, if you're on the verge and you want me to push you a little bit more and hold your hand through it, I will do that for you.

DM me and I'll talk you through a lake trip that you have to go on and get you to a place where you don't have to, but I'll try to hold your hand through it because I want more women to be free of this because women miss out on so much fun because they're worried that men or other women are going to be judging their bodies. And it's just a bad place to be. And I've been there and I'll be there again. And I think we need to support each other. So, and men too.

Any men want to reach out to me about body issues, I'm happy to help. And if you do it, I'll split the money. Next story. That Nikki gives me. Okay, all right. The factors that make anxiety more noticeable at night, which I think we all deal with,

right? Like when our brains, when everything is supposed to shut off. I was dealing with that the other night with Brenna, where we both, our bodies were exhausted, but our brains were firing. And it's weird. Did you have some caffeine or something? I just saw her cellulite and it made me. Oh, yeah.

That'll wake you up. Yeah, that woke me up real bad. She's so tiny. She shouldn't have any. I know. It doesn't make sense and i don't like it no so that your girlfriend is legit perfect and uh and i want her to stay that way i don't hate her for it she's so lovely in every way that she's one of these perfect tiny tiny perfect skin tone, perfect hair, everything. And obviously I don't, she probably would be like,

oh, you think I'm perfect? Oh, she wouldn't, yeah. But she really is like, there's no part of me that's like resentful. And that's so freeing to not hate someone who I attribute so much perfection to. Because at the NA, she has to have sex with me. And that's where I go,

there's something wrong with her. Something deeply, deeply, no, no, no. You guys are so cute. I love it. it but okay so here's some things that you know they're kind of a little whatever general this is why we get anxious at night fewer distractions at night mean a person is more likely to think about things that make them anxious less emails coming in less work less kids waking you up less dot like yes Things settle down The thoughts go up Yeah Consuming caffeine during the day Can make a person jittery And anxious at night

So Eliminate your caffeine Pat Maybe save it For before two PM Noah Do you get more anxious at night?

I don't But that's because I've cut caffeine Out There's a really good book Completely I have like This is just about as much coffee as i have

like up to here okay she's she has one glass of iced coffee in the morning okay yeah so um i read this amazing book called why we sleep i believe it's called oh yeah that was a lot of people were into that a year a year or so ago yeah tell me what you learned so the thing that i learned about caffeine is that the half life of caffeine is eight to ten hours so whatever you're drinking like to get half of it out of your system it takes eight to ten hours why don't they just do full life why do they have to do half life yeah you do i don't know because it sounds because i sound smarter when i say it just half and half that's what they use for medicine and stuff. But yeah. Okay, so it's going to take a whole day for it to really be out of your system.

Right. So if you're drinking caffeine, whether it's in tea or coffee at noon, by the time you go to bed, it's still in your system, like a good amount of it. And were you finding... And there is all the evidence that correlates caffeine with anxiety. I mean, again, I hate to just say this so much, but go on the subreddit decaf.

It's all people trying to quit caffeine and you will see how crazy caffeine addiction is. And if you've tried to quit caffeine before, I'd love to hear your voice memo or write into the show to tell us about it because i had a joke for a while that was like i recently quit caffeine uh for 20 minutes literally i'm not joking you 20 minutes and i was so depressed depression uh lethargy uh just suicidal thoughts i mean caffeine you can't cold turkey it. You really can't. You have to, there's a caffeine or something. There's some kind of, on Amazon, you can get pills that help you wean off.

But the headaches are brutal. The depression is brutal. The sluggishness. I mean, it really is like, it sounds worse than heroin. I'm not detoxing off heroin. And we don't know how addicted we are at all and it's actually very scary and it definitely contributes to anxiety on a level that no one's really acknowledging um well that's why your body's tired and your brain is still wide awake

because you're laying in bed and that caffeine's still like what are you gonna do what are you doing tomorrow what's going on tomorrow how are you gonna sleep tonight yeah you gotta be up in the morning you gotta do this why don't you do this today? Correct. I did want to share something with you guys. Did you know that there's a word for the anxiety you feel if you wake up before your alarm clock? Night schloppies?

No. Well, in our world, yes. The snoozy schlops? Let me show you. So this is the word. Oh, yeah. Okay. I mean, I don't know how to say that word at all.

Will you type in pronunciation? It's called, you say, uh, uh, uh, U-H-T-C-E-A-R-E. Uh, T-C-E-R, uh, Ut-K-I-A-R-E. Ut-K-I-A-R-E. Ut-K-I-A-R-E. I don't Ut-K-I-A-R-E about this wordare. Ut chiare. Ut chiare. I don't ut chiare about this word. This is like someone's like ehh. It's the feeling of oh, ut chiare.

Chiara. It's ut chiara. Ut chiare. Chiare or uh. Uh. Who knows? Okay, but anyway, it's from the old English ut, which is daybreak, and chiare, which is care or sorrow. So whenever I use a sentence, first of all, it's from the Old English ut, which is daybreak, and kier, which is care or sorrow. So whenever I suffer, use this sentence.

First of all, it's called the familiar sort of pre-dawn anxiety when one is lying awake and worrying. Oh, wow. Yeah. We all have utkiari. I'm going to have utkiari about this word. Yeah. That's going to haunt you in the night. That's something you struggle with is where you wake up throughout the night right god and then so many times what's a what's like an anxious

thought that you have during the night that keeps you up and is it really just your tiktok no well no i just i go to bed and i around 3 a.m i just fucking wake up i'm just like i just have running thoughts man i can't fucking stop them. And then I'll try to take Z-Quil and then I'll be too tired the next day. Wait, what's the running thought though? Like what's a, can you give me an example of a thought that you'll just go down a rabbit hole? You don't have to. I know.

I just. Andrew, like this sounds very familiar. I used to wake up on the dot at like 3 a.m every morning so why were you why would you what would wake you i don't know i and i do check my phone like a fucking idiot i do i'm an idiot you're not an idiot that's the first thing we all grab for i mean that's like i grabbed that before i drank water you know like it is it's such a passive it is our pacifier we like oh my god we roll over and we like yeah have the hand looking for it that's so true it's a pacifier. It is our pacifier. We roll over and we have the hand looking for it. That's so true.

It's a pacifier. But yeah, at 3 a.m., you must be lonely. And she says, baby, well, I can't help but be scared of it. Oh, sometimes the rain gonna wash away. I believe in my own. Oh, I love. I love Matchbox 20. Next story.

Oh, and by the way, nightmares, fear of the coming day anxiety about enzyme so you're having anxiety about not being able to fall wow health anxiety also melatonin here we go next story written very small noah like i don't understand this uh the font i'm sure that she just was copying and pasting. It was probably from a website that was a tinier font. No, I clear format. I clear format. I don't know if you cleared this format. Nikki, be the judge. Is that format cleared?

Oh, it's pretty tiny. Looks like a really tiny font, Noah. You might as well just written in wingdings. We can't read that shit. I love wingdings. When are you bringing that back? What is wingdings? Are you kidding me? I don't know what wingdings are. Wait, Noah, do you know what wingdings we can't read that shit i love wingdings when are you bringing that back are you kidding me i don't know what wingdings are wait noah do you know what wingdings is sounds like chicken wings okay well uh wingdings style is a font style back in like og days of

like you know you'd go to the computer lab in school and you could like print up a report and you could copy and paste and make your whole thing each letter would be a picture and you could write it was a way to do like clip art yeah um but you could make all of your like you could write secret notes to your friends and wingdings i know but it was just what it was it like oh through phone through emojis you could write no through like letters typing it was before emojis it was before emo emojis. Each letter would be like a kite, a guy kite surfing. Another guy rollerblading. Let's look at Wingdings. I'll show you.

Yeah, I don't know why I don't know this. If our listeners remember Wingdings, I want to hear your memories of. This is. I mean, clip art. I was all about clip art. Okay, this is Nikki in Wingdings. Okay. It is.

Oh, it's skull and bones, a hand and two um blank smiley faces in another hand i mean this is wild what's andrew type in andrew and let's see what his is peace sign uh cross and bones thumbs down sun point at the sun and then across whoa do noah i don't understand how does this help oh so it's just a way like you know and it's skull and bones okay yeah so it's just a different alphabet yeah well it's not really an alphabet it's more to use just for like to have funny shapes and stuff within your stuff yeah but there's a repeat here what do you mean there's like a is p sign N is the crossbones. Yeah.

So that's an alphabet. I know, but... Each letter is four... Each letter has a symbol. But no one... I don't think anyone speaks Wingdings or can read Wingdings. I mean, sure, there's someone that's memorized it, but it's more about just being able to use clip art through the keys. When you were in the computer lab before, there was like...

Oh, I see. So it was already... Yeah yeah okay yeah so if you want to put a skull and crossbones on your report about pirates you could do a wingdings font and type an n and then write pirates in regular font and then another n it would be two pirate things around the title and make it look cool and maybe you'd get a a plus instead of a a pirate uh a Yeah. P sign plus. Yeah. Arrg. You get an arrg. Great.

Next story. Why do I care? Paris Hilton. Is this why do I care? No, not even yet. Oh, not even yet. It's sports day, but it could be a why do you care? Okay.

Okay. Why do you care? Why do I care? Special edition. And then we'll get to sports moment. Paris Hilton says she no longer cares about becoming a billionaire. I've heard this. Instead, she says, I'm more interested in babies.

Yeah. How do we feel about that, Paris? What do you think? Why do you have this feeling in your life now? Well, I just realized that I just really want to have babies. But don't you care? I'm trying to do Carlisle's impression. Wasn't that your goal, though?

My goals used to be becoming a billionaire, but it just seems like something that'll take care of itself if I'm happy and fulfilled in other ways. And right now that is becoming a mom. And I'm really excited for my iconic boyfriend, Carter, to impregnate me after we get married. And then I just feel like... Don't you think, though, that once you give up on this dream,

you might not feel motivated anymore? That's beyond. And that's not going to happen because I just know what I want. And I just want to be a mom. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. It's not that. Are you going to wear sunglasses during labor if you have a natural birth? Can I ask you a question? And if my, yeah. That's pretty like, it's not that.

Are you going to wear sunglasses during labor if you have a natural birth? I mean, if the lighting is like beyond in that room. Yeah. I'm kind of slipping out of it. She should. I mean, that bitch is so fucking cool. She's going to be a great mom. I know that. Oh, hell yeah.

And I'm so glad to hear her lose this billionaire goal because it's so stupid and money is just just that's just a dumb thing to pursue and i was hoping paris would arrive at something a different goal and i i knew she was just saying that because it's like why not like it's nice to have goals but it's nice to hear her drop that because it's dumb. She's not going to be happier because she has more money. I mean, she has the most money of anyone. She's going to be happier because she has a baby?

Yeah. I do think that. She really wants one, and she's always wanted to be a mom. That's like a, I think she definitely will be. Gotcha. I mean, and her new husband is like, she seems to like. They're engaged, but i don't think they're married yet oh my god he's the one i love i love him for her i love her for him okay sports moment

compared to that dj remember that fucking oh my god from her yeah from this is paris you guys gotta watch that on youtube it's such a good documentary all right here we go my favorite day of the week so there's a moment in that documentary where her ex-boyfriend oh my god he's at a festival and he he just makes such a big baby scene he's just such a little wah-wah and she is like i'm done and she literally is like kick him out of here they're backstage at this like edm festival she's about to go on stage and dj and do a whole set and she's nervous and he's just being a little belligerent dork and uh she she goes take his wristband take his wristband and they they take

his wristband she goes and then there's like a single shot of her talking about it later and she's like i took his wristband and that's actually probably she was like i took his i had them rip off his wristband to the festival which is honestly one of the worst things you could do to anyone ever and it was like the funniest line i've ever heard in my life because she knew that was ridiculous to say sports moment then the beat dropped baby let's hear this here's andrew's weekly sports moment whoa you're thrilled i know okay this is i don't know if you've seen this video no can you pull the video up a 30 year old woman who allegedly caused allegedly caused a massive crash during the tour de france on saturday they found herself in yep she never left they thought she'd fled on bike

i mean i mean what an idiot uh that she was holding that sign in the middle. I mean, I heard this was the worst crash in the Tour de France, like, ever. I mean, so the sign meant go. Like, that's why it's a long word for go. No, I thought it said Baba Booey. I thought that was Italian for Baba Booey. Oh, no. I thought it was a stern head.

Stuttering John. Yeah, so it said, yeah, it said go. It said, like, allez, allez, or something like that. I don't know. Allez, allez, like i don't okay well she did go she she fled i mean what was she thinking i mean you just want attention that bad so and by doing nothing i mean i i kind of have a little bit of sympathy for her because she was obviously trying she's only trying to make things better yeah she's not like she's not doing on purpose yeah it was not good that's got to be have you ever caused something like that to happen okay the worst thing i ever did oh man the there's an aerial shot and that was brutal i did something very similar to her but just to one person

oh i know the story. What happened? Oh, God. It's the worst thing I think I ever did. The kid was riding a BMX bike about to hit a ramp, and I rolled the skateboard in front of his bike. Then he hit the skateboard, started doing flips before he even hit the ramp, and then did more flips, and he had a bloody lip. What did you was gonna happen i just i don't know what i mean when the skateboard went time stood still and i was like this was a horrible decision because i love that skateboard you know what i mean it's a fucking dope tony hassoy

no no it was fucking terrible dude it was the worst i knew right when i let it go like i'm gonna be grounded for a long time if my mom sobers up like like if my mom becomes the mom i want her to be this would really i would get punished but i'll probably go unscathed and continue living my life destructively dude it was the most fucked up thing i ever so yeah so i get her pain i get it but i don't know but there's no cameras i was just doing this but sometimes you just do things and you like there's just some that's when you realize you really have no free will like you go a thought pops in your head you do it and you go why did i do that like

when i grabbed the girl's butt and said honky like i don't know why i did that i was trying to make my cousin laugh but it's it's like so embarrassing where you're trying to do something funny or like just daring you take a risk and it doesn't pay off i mean that woman was only trying to help and what an idiot and she reminds me of the there was this baseball player, Bartman, who there was a foul ball hit. I remember the game six Chicago Cubs. And he wasn't the only one that tried to catch it. That was the craziest thing. Like in the stands, in the stands.

And he was like third row and fucking these Cub fans. One, he had to move. There was a whole, this American life about him. He had to hide out that night. There was a woman that gave him shelter and food and water because he was so, you know, they wanted his head.

Thank God the Cubs won like a year or two later or something like that. Oh, thank God, yeah. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. The God your mama loves. Yeah, God, I'll never forget Bob Costas saying that thing. Oh, well, he certainly is signaling an apology

to whatever dead relative is up there to ask for forgiveness for what he just did out there. I mean, that was so funny. Okay, we got to get to listener mail. It's our Thursday segment. We have a new name for this segment. We want to call it Fanthrax. Oh, I love it.

Because it's, you know, but it's not, Fanthrax, I was going to give that moniker to things that we don't like from fans that actually hurt us, but this. We're twisting it on its head. This is just any fan mail, and you know, Anthrax used to be sent through the mail. Don't actually send us Anthrax.

Don't send us insults. This is, it's time for Bestie Fanthrax. Okay, this is awesome, because there's a heavy metal band that I love called Anthrax. Yes, I was going to say, I'd rather. So I'm so into this, I can't wait I'd rather have real Anthrax than that CD. I mean, that music is terrible.

Have you ever heard Anthrax, Nikki? No. What? Oh, God. Bad. I mean, Noah loves it, so I guess I like it. I mean, I got to check out. You give me one Anthrax song, I'll listen to it today, Noah, okay?

You'll punch Luigi in the face. Yeah, truly try to get me into it. This is from Moe. This is a voice message from Moe. Hi, besties. My name's Moe. Hey, Moe. I just had to send you guys a voice memo about something I just saw that is so cuh.

All right, so someone I know, I love him dearly, but he does something that's so cut. So what he does is he constantly has his ringer on loud. Okay. Not a big deal when you're getting text messages, just a little weird, but it's not a huge deal. Well, I realized he always keeps his ringer on loud because when he gets phone calls, it starts with drop it like it's hot so it goes and then everyone goes and looks at it so i don't know i think everyone he likes it because everyone it's it's a way to get attention tone man yeah anyway so cut it's it's a little cut i kind of

like it because it's that song is so not cool you know if it was like a cool i feel like it is a cool song i mean it was cool in 2013 when it came out and we all loved it but now it's kind of like it's hard to hear that drop and not go yeah like that last like other people it puts people in a good mood i think anyone keeping their phone on a noise is okay because it's like you think you're, you want people to know you're popular, I guess. And like, and maybe it's like,

no, I need to hear it. If you live alone, it's fine, but no one needs to hear your ding in and like, Oh my God, you're so popular. It's just,

if you have a purse as a, as a, as a woman, can you feel the vibration through your purse? I think so. Yeah. And especially when you get really in tune with your phone and you start to feel like almost a maternal instinct with it where you're like, I know it's somewhere.

But there's just no reason for it. Now phones can ping even on silent if you lose it. So don't just tap your phone off. Be an adult. Don't be an old person. Old people love having their phones on. Yeah. And it's when there's ever

turn your phone off i'm always like who needs this let's hear from chris my grandpa always had the ringtone fly me to the moon hey what's up nikki noah andrew I have a cuh question. Yes. Is it cuh if a grown man cries? No. For every sentimental thing? No.

Because I just turned 30, and I never cried when I was growing up. But the other day I cried watching Cobra Kai, and I just don't understand why I cry. But I just want to know if that's me being cuh Or if it's normal when you get older Thanks guys Definitely not cuh Thanks so much What was his name again? Chris

Not cool at all Not cuh at all Because that's just Cuh is doing something That doesn't come naturally To get To make people think To make others think you're cool

I mean that's really The definition of ca But here's the thing Okay Can you If you If you cry to get attention Yes

Ca Because he said If you cried every Sentimental thing Around nine or ten You're being ca I don't know Because if you wanna

But here's another thing even if you're crying to get attention that's kind of the point of crying is so that someone will comfort you because humans need to let others know in some way and so crying usually elicits sympathy from others so i think crying can't be good no matter what you know it's something that's a good example of which is an emotional response is um this is a classic one i may have given it early on but one of the curse things we ever witnessed in high school was when a girl was like dating a guy and their song was wonderful tonight and they broke up i guess and she was at this party and she was always like anyway just like you know like i need a cigarette like just

just being in high school saying stuff like that of like i got wasted last weekend but she was like so torn up about this breakup and the song wonderful tonight came on at this like party and she was like you guys turn it off turn it off this was my song with him and it's like just leave if it makes you that emotional or cry to yourself and have a moment and maybe ask a friend for comfort but like that was we all were like that is the kiss thing ever like oh you are so your your relationship was so important and you're so distraught it's like no you're not you're trying to fuck this other guy tonight we know what you're doing and by fuck i mean like make out we didn't really fuck in high school okay this next um this next message our next fanthrax is from Isabel. Different than the Isabella who gave me the personalized note that I talked about yesterday.

This is Isabel. Nikki, I listen to your podcast every day and could not have related more to something you said yesterday. A guy I used to date for a few years and I cordially keep in touch. And he earlier this year drunk texted me something that was not even English. I'm guessing it was like not that it was a different language it was like just so incoherent then a few weeks ago on my birthday he texted me happy birthday from his email address instead of his phone number clearly trying to avoid a follow-up in the same text change chain to his previous stupid blackout text i was so angry that in this new and next next interaction he got to get away with acting like the drunk text never happened but i had to face this conversation

still wondering what the fuck our last interaction even was tell andrew to be a man and stop deleting jesus love the pod my co-workers are starting to think it's strange how strange how much i laugh alone to myself at my desk hope all is well hope all is swells um yeah i i love this thank you so much that's how but that's how you break it down too maybe he just emailed like no this girl is another thing men think they're tricking us i don't i don't think he meant to text her he pulled up her text to text her every birthday he saw the the text she never wrote back to that or that she confused she wrote back like what are you even talking about he didn't want a reminder of those and push it up so he emailed her it's a

hundred percent I need a follow up because I don't I don't think that guy connected this to I think he was on his computer he just emailed her I don't think it's because but maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm wrong next time he does this to you this is what I think you should do we gotta ask he's gonna email you

again so the next time he emails you to get in touch with you because he's gonna write a dm on instagram yeah just when you don't reply to whatever platform he replies to you on isabel go back to the text where he was belligerent and question mark it just go to like acknowledge it or or exclamation mark it just to let him know like i know this happened acknowledge it and it's such a power move and fuck this guy anyway like if you want a future with him he's gonna have to live up to this uh an answer to this eventually and uh he probably won't because he's not ready for it he's probably an alcoholic so um wish him a lot of luck and thank you for your message i want to i want to read the inquiry i wish he sent the Inglourious Dex. What's a, what else we got?

This is from Katie voice message. Kayla. Oh, sorry, Kayla. Hey, Nikki, Andrew and Noah.

So I got invited to a wine night with some people from work that I've never hung out with outside of work. And I rarely see them anyway. And so we were going to play a card against humanity. And there's about like 10 of us, which is already overkill. And it came, you know, to be my turn. And the card I had that I had to read out loud was tentactile porn. Tentacle. Everyone's like,

what is that? Tentactile porn. It's tentacle porn. Yeah. What is tentacle porn? Octopus porn. It's Japanese kind of octopus. I think it started as Japanese

porn, but it's octopus. it's people drawing big octopuses like penetrating like scared like women that are that they at sea i don't know it's it's a it's a big thing it's it's like hentai porn i think is the kind of version of it but it's it's reading the word tentacle and thinking it says tentactile first of all the word tactile is kind of pornographic so i understand why you would make that go with the hard tact instead of uh tuckle yeah um so i think this is i think that's a fair one and i think you were right i find anything interesting where you mess up because you're in front of people that you wouldn't mess up by yourself story of my life but yeah yeah it's interesting it's just like you know would she say tentacle if she was alone right you know what i

mean like the pressure of it uh tentactile i wonder if you can play cards of humanity or whatever cards against humanity solitaire that's a sad that's a sad game my mom loves solitaire boy oh really on the computer oh man it was sad i like the sound where it goes like shuffles like oh yeah that's a good sound that was our only friend mind sweeper yeah oh mind oh you were like i wish she would have swept the kitchen once or twice uh you grew up uh kind of neglected that's okay though we all do our best look i can't compete with solitaire all those numbers in a row i don't blame her i was different cards that you can pick you could do like a fish on the card you could do palm tree it's just past time days are long man you gotta fucking are you spending your days on now golf yeah i'm like i sometimes i resent you because you just fill your

day with like such fun stuff and i you go hey why don't we do this and i go you think i can just watch morning show right now and um and then i realized i could make my life like that and when i play guitar i sometimes feel guilty because i'm like oh i could be getting work done and this is what i'd rather be doing than anything. It feels almost recreate. It's recreational. And it doesn't feel like work. And I have guilt over it.

Final thought, I guess. Yeah. Final thought. I mean, like, do you do you ever feel guilty that you don't work hard enough? And I'm just saying this because that's what I'm plagued by. Yeah. Look, we do this show every day so right away i do and i know to you are for some reason it's not like i know it's a big deal to you but you don't feel like this is work however i feel like this is uh i'm not trying to speak for you i guess i'm speaking for you no i honestly don't

count this as work and i should so to me i feel like okay i've accomplished this today okay it is an accomplishment yeah i work out in the morning at 8 a.m that's an accomplishment you know what i mean not work though like when i work out i don't feel like that's contributing to my career and like making money so that my family can survive i think it is because if i'm a better person and i'm more no you're right energized it does help my career depressed it makes you think better and yeah i mean it all adds i mean having hobbies and things you love is all that life is should be about so by so by 11 30 or noon i've already worked out for an hour and i've done this for an hour so those are two things that are so then if if I go play golf, I don't feel terrible.

But if I just woke up in the morning, didn't do my own podcast, didn't do this podcast, maybe didn't write something, maybe whatever. And then just play golf in the morning all day on a Tuesday, I'd feel a little weird. At some point, you're right. Like, it's like you are at an age where you have a steady job. You have your you don't really want for anything. I'm sure you want for things, but it's like, at what point do you just stop

trying to get the next thing and get that billion dollars and you just go, I just want to have fun. I am really trying. I'm living a great life right now. I'm living that now too. Yesterday, I got a lot of stuff done and I went out and I was journaling about it and i felt this like weird like it was okay so i'm i'm planning this tour and i have matt pond and

my assistant jennifer co-tour managing and they have these emails to me of like we need to know about merch they're doing all the logistics but they need some direction and i've been waiting to get back to them so i zipped together this email and i throw email and i send it off and i feel like oh my god i finally but there was something it just was so easy that what i had had it built up in my head was so much work that i felt like i just shoplifted or got away with something that was supposed to take longer or um yeah for instance like if even this tour like people sometimes think that the work i put my work doesn't look like sitting down and writing and being at a laptop a lot of times and i feel like guilt about that that the work has first of all the work has already happened that

really helped me and i think it could maybe help people listening when you are maybe down on yourself because you haven't put in enough work on something that's coming up, like a project, and you're like, I'm not working as hard as I used to, because you are already good enough that you don't need to,

the work was put in on your way up. So I always forget that. Same goes to you. I know. That's what I need to remember is that, Nikki, it's okay if um for this next for bill maher for instance like i didn't spend as much time on those answers and like my my prep for that show as i did for my first sit down with conan and that's not because i'm lazy

now it's because i just trust that i'm gonna do good but i'm so scared so I wrote in my journal yesterday like just trust that you are always trying to do your best that anytime that you fall short of that is also still your best and that you're only trying to make the world a better place you're only trying to be happy so that you can make more good in the world and that that is your goal and just trust that like trust that stop doubting that you're trying to sneakily i always think i'm sneakily trying to do something bad i get that and i have no evidence for it so why do i keep thinking i'm a bad person today greg warren on the radio said that sometimes a dog will like have a bad reaction to him and he'll be like that dog knows that i'm evil like

the evil that i secretly think i am when Greg Warren is the nicest person ever. He's like, that dog senses it. That dog knows. And I really related to that of like secretly thinking I'm evil. Yeah. And going,

and having to, that maybe me saying that I'm a good person is lying to myself or trying to convince others that I'm not so that I can get more things. And I don't know

if an evil person even has thoughts that they might be evil, but I, I constantly, I really do think about that a lot. I just feel like, like the, no matter how much work you put in,

I don't know if you'll ever be satisfied with like, Oh, I did enough. I actually have that feeling. No, no, that's great. No,

no, I'm sorry. So maybe me, I guess. So me, like I'll, so I i might as well here's the other thing and i i try to remember this exactly what you were saying like for seven years i picked up dog shit in new york city i lived in bushwick with like two roommates like an hour outside manhattan like i i fucking like i put in of- You deserve hustled to play golf when you want to. Sure, sure, yeah.

Here's where I go, but other people worked harder. There was still more I could have done. There's always someone you can go, they worked harder. And what I say to myself when I have that argument, because you might have that yourself, listener, is that they have a different brain than mine. Their brain works in that way. Mine doesn't.

I don't, either I don't need to work that hard to achieve what they're achieving, or I don't want to. And that is just as valuable. Noah, what were you going to say? And also, we're going on tour for seven months. I know, but I should be getting ready for it. And I'm not.

I'm just kind of winging it. Wing digging it. I think that the hustle that you are used to from uh the past in your career do you feel that you get that from playing guitar because that's like something new and writing music and stuff that's difficult work that you're putting in the same it does it feels the same but it also feels just as um empty because when i used to do stand-up and wasn't making a living it was like what are you go do something that's gonna earn you money there's no there is small indications that you're

gonna make it but like honestly just getting on the tonight show one time even when i had done tv i still wasn't earning a living wage well after i'd been on tv so there had been signs that like you're good at this you're getting the positive reinforcement but it still felt like a waste going out and doing stand-up because there was no clear like how was i gonna make money at this so it always felt so to me guitar feels like that right now where it's like what's your this is a waste of your time you could be writing jokes but i now i know that if something doesn't feel good it's gonna be bad. So if I'm forcing anything,

and sometimes you do have to force stuff, I'm lucky enough to have a life where I don't really have to do anything I don't wanna do anymore. And it's just fucking great. And that's why this podcast doesn't feel like work. I'm grateful to all of you guys for giving your time to me and listening to me talk a lot today, especially.

My ADD meds are uh kicking it and um and yeah i'm just gonna go get some stuff done i'm gonna be easy on myself i hope you all have a great weekend stay safe i hope no wives die uh although statistically one will um in destin yeah keep sending us voice memos we'll feature it on thursday keep uh writing into the show dming we love the interaction. And Andrew, any final thoughts? I gotta get to the golf course. Oh, yeah. Wrap this up. Andrew's got a tea time.

Thank you for listening. We'll see you on Monday. Don't be and all the swells. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts.