The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #62 Hey, Partner

Episode Date: July 7, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she wants Besties to know this show is inclusive, she cried at the vet and maybe the kind of pain she enjoys could be found in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Andrew is learning about how to go to bed with his partner and good phone habits. Before the news, Nikki, Andrew and Producer Noa don't see eye to eye on orgasms. Besties are encouraged to chime in. In the news, they comment on word pollution, vanity plates, animals that run a train and a masseuse swap. Nikki shares her Reddit Dump which leads to jaw dropping stories from celebrities about other celebrities. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki Hello, here I am It's Tuesday on the Nikki Glaser Podcast Thank you for listening everyone out there Whether you're new or old or young or old or No matter which way you identify I just had a uh bestie write into me and say that uh you know we tend to talk about hetero sex topics on the show and um she gave me some uh queer uh

sex or like a queer instagram account um that has a lot of like helpful, like positive sex stuff for anyone who might not, you know, relate to all of the hetero stuff I'm sending. So I just want to let you guys know that you should check out queer sex therapy on Instagram. It's a good account that has like really helpful, like the same way that sex with Emily has like helpful, you know, sex positive affirmations, things that encourage you to like explore yourself and your sexual identity. This is for people who identify as queer, but queer means like it could be the umbrella of like not hetero. I'm trying to be an ally. I got to educate myself more. But yeah, I mean, I definitely want to cover all sorts of, I just want, I want to make sure everyone feels represented by the show.

But sometimes, you know, we talk about our experience and it just happens to be one that is extremely hetero at times. It's a lovely Tuesday here in St. Louis, Missouri. It's hot as balls outside. Andrew's home from a night out. He spent the night at his girlfriend's. I had the place to myself. Was gonna get stuff done. I don't even know what I did last night. What the hell did I do? I tried to watch The Bachelorette. I just don't care. I just don't care. Some seasons, I don't care about this person finding love. And no offense to Katie, she's a lovely lady. And I'm sure by the last couple episodes,

I'll be very invested in who she chooses. But I don't care at this point. And if i don't have someone to watch it with not fun uh not fun at all um and that's why i need a husband or a partner i you know i'm leaving it open i just need andrew might be you know married not not to necessarily to this but like i just feel like i need a backup andrew to live with me i need a backup roommate in case something happens to Andrew. I mean, he could die. And I was thinking the other day, I go, what am I going to do if Andrew dies? Who am I going to live with? Or if Andrew like decides he, you know, gets married or wants to live on his own, who am I going to live with? Because I do not like living alone. But a lot of people live alone that don't necessarily want to live

alone and you make it work. You have people over, which I also tried to do this weekend, but I was taking care of my dog Marion and she was just a gaping wound. I took her to the vet yesterday. Then I left her at the vet because she had to get sedated. And I mean, is it bad that I was so excited that I could just leave her there and my parents were going to pick her up because they were coming back into town at like six. And I dropped her off at four, five o'clock. And they were like, we can get her into surgery by 530. And or not surgery, but they're, you know, like patching up her sutures that popped open.

And they were and I was like, should I wait? And they were like it's gonna be she's not gonna be done until six and I was like by that time my parents were driving back in from Cincinnati I'm off the clock baby when I left Marion although I was excited that I was finally not going to be her 24 hour a day caretaker I was kissing her goodbye and the vet the both the ladies at the the vet were like they kind of looked at me and they were like this is like a really bad wound in the worst area and there's no wonder it's split they kind of like let me off the hook for anything I thought that I was doing wrong they were like this is just impossible to not to it's really going to be a hard one to heal because it's in a weird area and then I got emotional because. They were like, this is just impossible to not to, it's really going to

be a hard one to heal because it's in a weird area. And then I got emotional because I just felt like they forgave me for maybe if, if the suture had come undone because of my care or something, you know, I felt like guilty. And then, um, I just was like, I think I was just like saying, I just did my best and it was really hard because they were like this is a really them acknowledging that my weekend was hard was like was what made me cry if I'm gonna be honest it wasn't like them being like me saying goodbye to Marion and loving her so much it was like it was like someone finally acknowledging like how traumatic ever it was to take care of something that is could possibly die under your care if you don't be so gentle with it and constantly monitor it and I just need validation more often I guess I need like more people to be like this is hard because and not because

I secretly think what I'm doing is hard and I want people to know what a fucking angel I am or whatever. It's like I don't let myself admit what I did is hard until someone else says it is. And then I can finally feel all the feelings that come along with it being hard. Like all the times I wanted to cry this weekend because I was just overwhelmed with carrying her and making sure her wound stayed in like you guys when I carry this dog you don't like her wound it has to stay closed and when she walks it open like so I have to constantly hold her in a way that keeps it shut but if it even adjusts in a weird way it'll pull at it and then she'll yip. Like it was so stressful. And just like having these women go, this is tough.

Like. And then affirmation. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say valid. I would say it's an affirmation. Like what's the difference? I think that validation has like a negative connotation to it. But an affirmation is like a,

like a positive way of it's, it's a positive acknowledgement. Right. Okay. So it could be this, it kind of is the same thing, but it's like, I just wanted someone to acknowledge that what I did was difficult.

And that, and it's the same thing. That's why I like gangbang porn. I know this is a stretch, but it's the same reason. That's why I like gangbang porn. I know this is a stretch, but it's the same reason. I like, and my favorite thing about porn is when a girl is being pushed to her limits and then they acknowledge

that what she's doing is difficult. That's all I ever want in porn is for people to be like, good girl, great job, wow. That's right, good like any kind of encouragement I like love and it's all because I want to push myself to the limit and I want to be acknowledged that what I did was hard and there's something like it feels like I shouldn't need that but I definitely did need that and I like kind of cried at the vet and made them uncomfortable a little bit I like quickly ran out of the room as I was crying

but um I didn't expect to cry and then and it really is because I love her so much like I I truly love this dog so much and it's heartbreaking to see something you love like not understand what it's going like you can't reason with a dog like you'll i'll be back like there's something nice about and i know babies obviously can't understand because they're so poppy but that's an inside joke if you haven't if you don't understand that don't worry we'll catch you up at some point um but you know humans you can say this is what's happening like there's not all some people have problems i don't want to say this is what's happening. Like there's not all. Some people have problems. I don't want to say that taking care of a human is there's just something of when animals

because animals cannot speak or understand. It's so frustrating. How great would it be if your dog understood? I'll be right back. And I always I'm honest with the dogs. I go, I'll never leave. I'll never leave you. I'll never leave you.

And then I go, unless I die, in which case you're set because everyone in my life knows where you would go. Like you have, there's a plan for you. You'll never be on the streets again. I mean, not, I don't know what if we, if the society collapses, I guess there'll be on the streets again. And then we're all in the streets,

but I wish dogs understood that. But they do. They do sense love. Luigi's sleeping in my closet. He got really neglected this weekend because I was caring so much for Marion that he like, he was just the, he wasn't getting as much love. And so since Marion's left, I've really babied him and acted like he was a little injured baby. And he's been like, it's so funny how quickly an animal will enter that sick role, I think is what they call it in psychology. If you are treated like you're sick, you become more of a baby and you just kind of lean into it. And humans do that a lot when they get sick. Men do that a lot when they get sick you men do that a lot when they get sick like a man gets a cold and he's like i'm a baby and it's like suddenly like these burly men like

can't handle and not to invalidate their pain because it is their pain and they're doing what feels good and feels soothing to them but i do oftentimes find that men get a little bit more like, I'm sick and kind of lean into it more. And there's something cute about it. Women do have a higher threshold for pain. I just, it has to be undoubted, undoubtedly true. I watch this, as you guys know, I watch, you know, weird videos at night to soothe me. One of them is this account that I've told you about. It's called Next Level Injury. And it's this guy on Instagram or on YouTube.

Next Level Injury is, I think, the name of the account. I subscribe to them. And it's just this guy who does manual therapy on his clients. And next stage injury I'm sorry next stage injury which is kind of a funny name because it seems like he's giving them their next injury because he does this stuff to them that they are screaming in pain the whole time and there's both men and women they're all like really muscular they're like fighters I think he has some kind of like association with a gym and all of their fighters go to him. So it's all these really perfectly trained,

uh, physical specimens come into him with the greatest bodies and they're having hip pain or sciatica or foot pain. And they come in and he does these things where he goes, he counts back from five and he does these like one, two, three, four, five. And he'll dig into the muscle and they're like like it's literally like every single person

is like giving birth there's something so satisfying about it to me I don't know why but let me tell you based on the hundreds of videos he has up maybe not hundreds but many dozens the women are always able to handle the pain more than the men. And I don't think he's going harder on the men or women. Like I just don't. And so from that, I can tell. But you guys got to watch it. Next stage injury therapy. He has 120,000 subscribers. I'm not alone. Next stage injury. Noah, do you get any like satisfaction out of like do you like pain because like if i have a bruise i'll be pressing that bruise all day long like i love pain i got new bunion splints that after my they're on they straighten my bunion so it's not curved towards my second toe and it

straightens it in a line which goes against the joint like my joint wants to go the other way and make an angle and it straightens it out and after a while it causes this like i love that feeling fucking like like just going against the great like i like things that like go against the like that force your bone to like do the other thing that it wants to do and i love it and it starts to give me this cramp and i just then i'll press on the cramp and i'll like torture my it's so weird and then at one point it becomes unbearable and i kick the splint off i like thrash in bed to get the splint off and i'm like get it off and then like my foot is back to normal but just i i love i love pain it's weird i'm not on your on your level i remember when we went to get foot massages and uh the masseuse who was very

familiar with you was pushing on my foot the same way that he was pushing on yours yeah and it felt really good but i couldn't like i didn't have the tolerance for it for a half hour no it's it's it really is terrible sometimes they would be so hard that i would be like i can't i can't i can't, I can't. Because they would get a little, like, they would have a little fun with me. Because they're like, oh, this girl can really take it. But I just love, I don't like sharp pains. Like, I don't want, like, needle pains. Or, like, I just like dull pains, I guess. But I don't want to be hit.

I don't want, like, sudden. I want, like, I want like slow like ease into it and then like it's I need a I needed I need an ease up I don't like sudden like I would never when I've been in bed and had like someone like hit me in bed because it was like that kind of sex or whatever I've always been like I don't like that because it's like surprising you're like but like if it was like a slow hit I don't even know what that would be i could be more into that i don't know how we got here all i want though is acknowledgement of how much pain i can take but like in terms of like the um jujitsu that you do i don't want to feel that kind of pain i don't want to get like hit and like there's no hitting in jujitsu okay i don't

it's a pressure pain it's totally up your alley it's only pressure what's the most you've been injured in jujitsu what's the most pain you felt and where was it a lot of bruising okay um and then just like from what just just from applied pressure either someone's knee or someone's body there's a lot of smashing. Okay. I like smashing. Okay. Yeah. There's no kicking or hitting? No, there's no kicking or hitting in jujitsu.

So how do you like make contact? You just slowly get close to each other and then pressure? Yes. It's hugging. It's hugging. You're hugging a lot. I don't understand this.

Wait, so you start off in a hug? Who makes the first attempt to hug or to touch so you start either sitting or on your knees there's a top and bottom there's top and bottom position okay unless you start from standing up which is kind of more when you're practicing for competition okay but like all jujitsu is like on the ground meant for on the ground. There's a lot of hugging and pressure passing. Do you ever smell someone and they smell really bad? Or are you so in the moment that like smells don't really come into it? Is there someone like sometimes you're like, I don't want to touch this person.

I don't mind body odors. I don't like colognes and perfume, like strong colognes and perfume. So I prefer the body odors. But yeah, there's a lot of bad smells okay because you're so close to someone and how long does it last where you can be like that like how long before people are okay we're done here and and it's just pinning someone to a point where they can't move anymore and that's when you win um well you could do it by points or by the time the clock runs out that's called a roll and and you know sometimes it's three minutes sometimes five minutes more advanced this could be seven minutes or submission when

the other person taps well that's hot too like safe word well it's a tap i established a safe word the other night with my partner because before we got started I was like there were a couple things that I was like hey can we just like avoid these two things at first I was thinking ahead of time like last time we had fooled around there were a couple things that I was like oh I want to tell him not to do this because it's like one of my things but on the moment because it wasn't really an issue like if it would have been an issue in the moment I would have been like stop it and he would have but been an issue in the moment, I would have been like, stop it. And he would have. But before we got started the other day, I like stopped and was like, hey, can we have some, like, can I have some rules for this?

And I was like, okay, hair pulling. We can't, we gotta do like, you gotta get a whole chunk. Like you gotta grab like the whole, you gotta get like a ponytails amount because he, this person also has like you know like every man is worried about losing his hair and I go imagine if I tugged on a little piece of your hair compared like this compared to this and he was like oh yeah and I'm like so make sure you get it all but I would just avoid it completely if you if you don't mind and I said if you have to though

like all of it and I'll let it slide and then I also said there's another one too and I couldn't I was like I can't remember but I'm sure you're gonna do it and then I'll tell you in the moment and it was um it was preserving my um throat let me just say like because when you have when something when you when you choke on something and it gets lodged in your throat you know how your voice is scratchy the rest of the day it's because it like a braids part of your throat it doesn't even have to be something that like actually scratches just like having something on your there's something that happens when i choke on like anything that makes me have a scratch your voice than i already have and i'm like so we're like mid mid uh you know what act and I was like oh I remembered

um like we have to do this in the safest way which we've covered on the show we covered last week in the Kama Sutra positions off the bed make your whole throat a continual line so that there's no backing up into the uh your soft palate or whatever it is i don't know and um and so that was good and then we established a safe word which is uh safe word i'm just gonna say safe word that's good enough and um yeah it's kind of fun to have to come up with those kind of rules and um i was supposed to i was supposed to have a dalliance last night, but I just like, I don't know. To be honest with you, it couldn't have happened until too late at night

and I was waiting up and then I got excited just waiting up and I was like, I'll just like start pre-gaming and then it turned into my own little party and then after the party, I was like, I don't want to party anymore. You know what I'm saying? And so I just went to sleep

and let's get Andrew in here. Andrew. I was like, I don't want to party anymore. You know what I'm saying? And so I just went to sleep. And let's get Andrew in here. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to My Legacy. I'm Martin Luther King III, and together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends, Mark and Craig Kilberger, we explore the personal journeys

that shape extraordinary lives. Each week, we'll sit down with inspiring figures like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Billy Porter. And they're plus one. They'll ride or die as they share stories never heard before about their remarkable journey. Listen to My Legacy starting January 20th on MLK Day on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alrighty. Hey, Andrew.

Hey, Nikki. Good morning. Hey, me. How'd you sleep last night, buddy? I slept over at my lady's house. I know, I told them. Oh. I mean, that's all I told them.

Yeah, no, it was good. It was good. Her bed is on the floor now because she's moving, so she's selling everything bad yeah so it's on the floor which is actually it's easier to look at my phone uh away from the bed because it's on the floor so it's far it's you ever look at your phone off the bed so you don't want to keep your partner up yeah you just do it close to your face when you're turned away from them yeah i like turn my body away from them and then I just go like, I roll over on the other side and I go like this. Oh, interesting.

Wait, what? Interesting. How? Why do you have to extend your arm away? That's only giving them, if they happen to turn around and see you, that's only giving them more of a view. It's almost like you're holding it out so they can see you. If you have it close to your face, they can't see.

Not that you're trying to hide anything, but actually i am because i'm watching wart dissection videos nothing not like texting a boy but no but if i'm elevated my arm is stretched out but um the phone is on the floor so there's no light going near them that's the one thing i'm oh make it dim i know but it's still annoying it's like that little flash needs to get a fucking sleep mask any light any light i for my partner in bed i go not my problem because you could get a sleep mask which is what i do then that's why i tell my partners when i'm sleeping next to him i go partner you can be as loud as you want i go hey partner hey partner you can be as loud as you want. I go, hey, partner. Hey, partner. You can be as loud as you want. You can keep the TV on. Is he in a cowboy hat?

You can turn on the lights. You can listen to a podcast as loud as you want because I have white noise and I have my sleep mask. And some people can't sleep with that stuff, but it's nice of you to put it far away, but I would never hold my hand far away and like on the floor i could see i would feel if i were your girlfriend which is nothing to worry about because i just know you i would think you were trying to hide something

from me yeah as opposed to if you were just like like quietly on your phone close to your face can you not see unless things are far away well i, I was looking at big tits down there. You know that. Yeah, I was looking at bigtits.edu. Yeah, you subscribe to the YouTube channel Next Stage Big Tits. Yeah. That was a reference to a thing you missed in the beginning. Oh.

I agreed, though. I really rolled with it. Listen, you are yes-anding all over the place. Okay, so on the floor, it was easier for you to put your phone off the bed yeah because it's the bed is but you know do you feel uh okay let's say it's time to go to bed it's 11 o'clock 11 30 whatever your partner goes hey good night do you feel uh i feel a little bit of anxiety looking at my phone while they're trying to go do you no not even a little bit because they're not

me it might be time for them to go to bed yeah that doesn't mean it's time for me to go to bed and i'm not up looking i'm not up trying to find another partner i'm not a partner i'm not up doing things that they couldn't know about yeah i'm just on my phone which is one of my hobbies is being on my phone reading things i get a lot of reading done i i could never i would never ever ever feel guilty about that cool cool because i think people probably do nowadays you shouldn't and and not to tell you what to feel but i can't say this enough if you're in a relationship or any kind of friendship if you want to do something, you're allowed to do literally

anything you want if that's what you want to do. Like so often when my mom and dad were in LA, my dad wanted to go out to lunch with his friend. And then afterwards they were going to go to the friend's house and go see it. And my mom just wanted to take a nap before the party that night that we were throwing. When I told her, I go, she's like, but your dad is going to give me shit because I want to take a nap. And I go, but you want to.

It doesn't matter what he wants. Like you want this, but I need to do this but your dad is gonna give me shit because i i want to take a nap and i go but you want to it doesn't matter what he wants like you want this but i need to do this for your dad i go and so i told my dad i go mom wants to take a nap you don't need to make her feel bad about it it's just what she wants to do and let her do it it's not harming you but but i want her to go with me well then why then it must not be that fun if you can't go on your own i love how you're like the mediator for your parents all the time i am because i need my mom to understand that her feelings are valid and just because my dad doesn't agree with them yeah she took it probably better at the party yes yes that's the thing people don't understand that what what makes those things you want to do that your partner might not want to do or your friend might not want to do is going to make you better down the the road and also they're not you so they don't understand what's going on inside you so don't let them ever tell you you we need to go to bed

or like and and you're just putting that on her of like she's like okay lights out she's rolling over to fall asleep and now you feel like you have to that's a you thing oh for sure for sure but there are some partners that would make their partner feel bad brenda's not like that but you're living in a world where you're somehow like breaking the rules by staying up yeah there's a part of you what is that i don't know i told brenda the other we had a conversation about uh speaking of being tired you know your boy gets tired a lot if i especially if i work out or whatever and i and i told her i go look i i to, I would love to have sex with you every day. Some days I'm just tired and it has literally nothing to do with you. I'm so attracted to you.

Yeah. And she goes, yeah, I don't need to have sex with you to make you make me think that you like me. I go, oh, okay, cool. Like, I'm just glad, like that was an anxiety I was having because like, there's times when like, I just don't't want to have sex but it literally has nothing to do with my attraction to her yeah and i go well you know what maybe i could skip working out or hitting golf balls so we can have sex longer yeah you know what i mean like i could think about those things but sometimes i'm just tired you can take a nap instead of doing that but you could take a nap instead of doing this because in the end though if if you continually choose working out and golfing over being able to fuck your girlfriend as much as she wants to fuck

that will eventually be a thing that she could be like okay well maybe you need to take a page out of julie's notebook mrs glazer and take a fucking nap yeah so that you can go to the party later in my puss yes and yes but as you know i'm a zoloft man and i just i don't get horn like she's more horny than me at the end of the day so i so you know i gotta figure that out i got left yeah zoloft curbs your libido i thought it made it so you can't come but i guess that's just like curbing your libido yeah i think but you can stay hard forever because of the uh viagra or whatever oh got it so but then the you're less sensitive yeah i just it just like i'm just not i'm not like when i get horny i'm horned up i want to fuck i love it but it's once every um like i said every four days yeah like

that's why i yeah i don't let guys that i'm hooking up with masturbate until i don't masturbate though yeah so i do save my stock and i save my horniness for her and that's how much i care about it i'll say this to women any women dealing with a guy like this in your life that definitely has to like get less horny than you because we can have multiple orgasms we go through periods of the month and i'm just making this up where we're like ovulating so we'll be horny for consistently even after we come a lot like it's just we're not synced up in the same way like so i would say don't let them come when you if you are a woman who like wants to have sex multiple times over a weekend with your guy and you know that he doesn't want to come more than once every four

days when you fool around with him don't let him come and tell him that and like ease off don't let him come and then guess who is going to be so and it's going to be frustrating but guess who's going to be all fucking over you all weekend because he didn't get to come and don't let him fucking masturbate and his energy will be so all over you like everything you want but you can't let them come it works so well in the moment they're very frustrated but i swear to god um it works because i'm watching that show sex life yes and i'm and i feel more like a cooper than a than. Like Brad is the ladies man who just fucks in Puerto Rico for hours. They're never putting clothes on, you know, whatever. And then Cooper, you know, loses his heart on sometimes.

He's, you know, he's paying attention to other things, but he loves his wife. And he wants to, and he's still attracted to her. But, you know, he's just not that sexual of a human being so i don't know i'm probably somewhere maybe in the middle but do you stop coming i try not to come every time you have sex i do that you you'll hold off yeah and she and but the problem is you need to both be on board with this so that someone isn't disappointed when you don't come. So last night I wasn't feeling it,

but she was horned up. We were watching sex life again. I think she gets horned up when, yeah, I mean, it's like the sexiest show. It's all like, did you watch any more episodes?

No, because I don't want things alone. Partner. So, uh, giddy up. So she, she, so she was all horned up and then she i was like look just grab your toys i'll lay down next to you i'm here for you and i like rubbed her like chest yeah and like choked her a little bit while she was doing her toy so i was present and she's like

well kiss me and i didn't kiss her until i knew she was about to yeah finish yeah so i was there for the it was like an experience for both of us yes without the pressure of me like having to fuck and i know that sounds great i don't does that it doesn't sound crazy at all that's like a normal thing like even in that scene in the first episode of sex life there's a scene where she like masturbates because her husband wants to watch the game and he's like fingering her and and then eventually she just grabs her toy because he's so not into it and like it doesn't have to be that is hot to me i thought that was a hot scene as opposed to like what they were trying to make it out to be which was like oh i guess this guy can't fuck his wife so he'll just lay next to her it's like guys sometimes don't want it takes

a guy to get they have to keep their dick hard to perform and sometimes that's a lot of stress so just let them and generally when they're laying next to you and you're doing it yourself and they're just like present they're gonna get horned up by just watching you do that yeah i was getting pretty it was a battle between i was getting horned up but also you were tired yes my dick was tired and horned yeah yeah it was but you know we're we verbalize it and i think that's the if i were you i mean as me as a pleasure delayer where i never want to come and i'm always worried that like for me with me like it's so similar to me with meals like when I'm really hungry I'm sad to get full because I'm scared that that feeling of hunger won't come back or like it will be a long time before it comes back it's going to be like eight hours until I feel that hungry again and

I'm like food tastes so good when you're that hungry and like that's i get sad that hunger is gonna go away so i if i were a man that knew after i came my sexual urges that are like literally all that keeps me going would be sapped i would never want to come so i don't understand what why do you want why do people want to come if they know especially men if afterwards you know that you're going to be not necessarily turned off but a completely different feeling like are you just not attached to that feeling do you just not do you just always think that that feeling is not coming i would hate the absence of desire that follow as an orgasm which I don't feel as a woman because I can have multiples. It only gives me more. It makes me more hungry.

I mean, that's a lot to unpack. But for four days, I really don't jerk off. I jerk off so little now. So after that four days, when you've saved it up and you come, aren't you sad that it's going to be another four days until you feel that way again? Yeah. There's a little bit of sadness, but I don't try to like, I would never, ever give into that. But what should I do?

Just like guys start to get angsty though. If they don't come, I know. But like, but it's Christmas. I'm different though. I think I'm different than a lot of guys. Leading up to porn, leading up to the orgasm is what's fun about the orgasm the orgasm is like seconds of pleasure but it's all we all know that the leading up is the best part yes it annoys me so why don't we just cut it off before that part yeah so we can extend that and do it all the time

yeah it makes sense to me but you gotta get it out or i'm gonna probably shoot somebody no i don't think that's true i honestly try it on accident honestly if brenna is listening don't let him come and just when he's about to pull away because see what happens see what happens when a guy is about to come you don't let him he gets soft again and then he has to live his life is he going to haul off and hit you because he didn't get to come? Is he going to kick the dog? I'm guessing not. What I do think will happen is that he's going to be all fucking over you. Look. Because he didn't get what he wanted.

Let's get to the news. I think there's something to this. I really wish I could be a man for a couple days. When people ask that, what would you do if you were a man? I would not come and see how much I could get done by having the desire to want to come and never really like letting myself have it i guess there's a difference though with me there's a difference between holding back to come and just not being able to come because of antidepressants so no no no you want to come and she says no yeah you're not allowed to but you don't you never withhold

pleasure from yourself when you get a package from amazon you rip it open in the elevator on the way up when you get a sandwich you start eating it in the car on the way home like delicious before you can put condiments on it i want my orgasm to be perfect that's why i literally never come because i'm about to and i go nope you can find a better video that's gonna make it even feel better and i keep going and then i'll lose it and then i have i practically do this to myself I edge myself and then I never come and then the next day I'm all horned up again I do get angry that like if I'm I sorry no I do get upset sorry four day if I wait four days and then I really want to just devour like I really like I'm so attracted there

and like I'm so sexy yeah I love that i do love that feeling and i wish i could have it every day you could if you didn't come yeah but then i don't come i know but then what do i do but you do everything until you come is sex not enjoyable until you go is all of that not enjoyable the climax is pretty important i i would argue that it is not as important as you're giving it because i don't think that that is honestly the feeling that you are trying to achieve and it's more about the lead-up to it which you could always have noah i don't oh you're not gonna like this nikki but i live for orgasms i just like if if i could eliminate everything else up to it and just have the orgasm i would no no i'm not allowing you noah noah if you could press a button and just have the orgasm i would no no i'm not allowing you no no if you could press a button and

just come you would oh my there's nothing about the anticipation there's nothing about feeling in the world let's talk about okay a meal when would you rather just have that meal in your stomach or would you rather smell it taste it see it being brought over your table by the waiter looking at the menu and ordering it getting so excited that i'm about to eat this i don't care about any of that i don't like the waiting i don't care about any of that what i just want the food in my i want the fucking chicken salad in my mouth i'm not i don't care about the taste and all of that i don't like the waiting part like i like to me the orgasm would be eating yes the actual food in your mouth no the orgasm is the swallowing it's like when it's literally the worst part it's i swear to god it's this it's the satiation it's the satiation of that

need that i'm hungry my body now has this in it it's not even the chewing the chewing is still the foreplay because until you swallow your food the food is not being absorbed by your body. You can't, you can't chew something up and then, and live. You can't just keep it in your mouth and live to have the full experience. You got to swallow. You got to swallow it. That's what I'm saying.

That's the orgasm then. I know. But would you sign up for just, you don't get to chew your food. You just have it in your stomach. No, I'm saying if I just could, you're saying no,

like, oh, all you get to do is chew for a long time and then the swallow will feel that much better yes there's no fucking way if i have the food in my mouth it's got to go down no i'm saying the swallowing is so much better when you are able to yeah i don't really savor the experience beforehand it's not the swallowing isn't good enough to for me even if i wait that satisfaction isn't worth the pain of like just chewing if that makes sense to me god i i i could not disagree more

you know what i'm saying noah to me okay to me the part where it's in your mouth and you can taste it and you're experiencing all these that's pre-orgasm that is not that is not orgasm to me that is not because the orgasm is the fulfillment of the desire so the orgasm is like that's gonna make a baby right like or that's gonna uh make your vagina suck up more sperm i'm not right so i'm not thinking of like the biological response i'm just thinking about the like the feeling that like shock that like permeates your body that i i just want to get to that i don't want to have to do any work to get there but don't you think but that that shock that that when the the orgasm start first starts happening i don't i feel like that is still not the like that's the

lead-up to like you could even cut it off before the very tip of the thing that will then because afterwards it's just over yeah well i don't like that part i also it never has to play i like the lead-up and foreplay actual sex i but that's then it's not then then you don't like the stuff that isn't leading toward to your orgasm probably is sex not leading to your orgasm no it is it is definitely but i just don't want to have to like do all that hard work and concentration and all of that i just want to get to is like listening to the specials from the waiter and asking if they have any ingredients that you might be allergic to. And then the waiter comes back and is like,

how's your day going, guys? And that's all that stuff. And you go to the waiter and you go, hey, I'm ready to order. And he's like, I'm just a busboy. Oh, yes. And he's like, let me get your waiter. Let me get your waiter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, just fucking bring the food. I see the food already. Can we fix the air conditioning? There's like a vent that is like blowing directly on me and I'm kind of cold. Is there a booth? You like all that? I like all of them.

Oh my God. This is wild to me. I like looking at every part of the menu and being like, what is the best options? Like what is going to satisfy? What's going to give me the best mouth orgasm? And I just don't understand someone who would settle for a c minus as opposed to waiting an hour later and getting an a plus but the a to me is going to chipotle getting my burrito in two seconds that tastes just as good

as going to some nicer taco place that takes an hour really you think chipotle in a nicer taco place tastes the same pretty much well then what is the point of ever going to anywhere nice if you can always eat a sandwich i do okay well i thought you were someone that actually like cared about good food not really oh you're always asking people on instagram where should we go for good food and and you'll go nikki you gotta try this thing the flavors i've never tried anything like it. I'm like, yeah, that's it. Why did I say that?

You say that about things sometimes where you're like, this, isn't that amazing? And I'm like, I mean, I get, like you seem to be someone that likes food. What? And can appreciate like a- This is wild to me. I eat the same thing almost every night, just like you.

I know, but I just thought you were someone that actually cared about food. I don't know. I mean, I want it quick. He's probably having an orgasm while he's saying it to you i just think if anyone is on board with me please let me know i just i don't relate to any i'm feeling very unseen today let's get to the news oh it's okay i think i'm right but uh and i there's no wrong or right there's no right or wrong i really feel like there is i definitely feel like I am. Me and Noah are right. Pantera.

What? Pantera. Pantera. Pantera. That's her new nickname for me. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Hope you're having a great day. I know Tuesday is a tough day, but hey, it doesn't have to be. Is it? Having a great time with all the swells. Tuesday's a tough day well yeah because you know yeah it's the beginning of the week it's not it's like friday still seems so far away yeah you're right and this tuesday is a monday to a lot of people ah yes all right

so grammar experts say that too many of us fill our conversations with useless clunky and pretentious words and phrases especially ones that have duplicate meanings if you want to sound smarter avoid the following overused words and phrases okay i love this and i bet i my words are all in this i bet i i bet i'm a culprit of this because i'm i definitely say words that are redundant okay uh very redundant would probably be one. Absolutely essential. That is absolutely essential for you. Because essential means absolutely. Yeah, okay.

But you know what? I get that. However, when someone says absolutely essential, it's going to make me hear it a little bit more. It's like a foreplay for essential. So I'm going to really hear that it a little bit more it's like a you know it's like a foreplay for essential so i'm gonna really hear that essential a little bit more because i had to get through absolutely and you make it it feels more essential it's absolutely okay let me do both two okay yeah andrew yeah it is essential for you to not come the next time to test whether or not my theory

works andrew it is absolutely essential for you to not come the next time to test whether or not my theory works. Andrew, it is absolutely essential for you to not come the next time you have sex. Oh, wow. Okay. So let's keep it. That's a keeper. Let's go to the next one.

Okay. 3 a.m. In the morning. You don't need in the morning. Oh God. I don't think I've ever, I'm not going to say never, but I don't feel like this is what I would do.

It's 3 a.m. In the morning. No. Yeah. That sounds ridiculous to me. Yeah. it's 3 a.m in the morning no yeah that sounds ridiculous to me yeah it's 3 a.m and it's the morning and she says baby it's absolutely essential that you wake up because it's 3 a.m in the morning I must be lonely okay I get why Rob Thomas that was first draft. And I'm glad that he shortened it. Word economy, Rob. I mean, word economy... It's 3 a.m. and it's the morning.

I want to change those lyrics to that. It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely. And I must be horny. Must be horny. But I can't come because it's the pre-meal. And she says, baby. All right, feel badly. I don't think you should come because you can only fuck me. Every four days it's 3 a.m. because it's the pre-meal. And she says, baby. All right, feel badly. I don't think you should come because you can only fuck me

every four days at 3 a.m. and it's the morning. I don't even know what's happening. Come on. Feel badly. I feel badly. You can't say it. It sounds dumb. Like, I feel greatly.

The only time you should say feel badly is if you aren't good at physically touching something. I feel badly. Oh, I feel badly. if you aren't good at physically touching something i feel badly i feel badly yeah okay yeah so your girlfriend might be able to say that you feel badly if you touch her in a weird way andrew you feel badly yeah you feel bad i'm sorry i fucking have weird hands that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes where you rub someone's shirt and you go is this felt and they go i don't know and you go now it is like you felt it has this been felt you know is this felt and they go i don't know and you go now it is like you felt it has this been felt you know is this felt that's a dad joke it's fun wait so feel bad i don't like any like

that made me feel made me feel is what is my literal absolutely essential that I do not say made me feel bad, made me feel like generally made me feel bad because I made me, I can say I made me feel bad, but no one can make me feel. You can't be like, Nikki, I didn't like how you talked to Brenda this weekend. And she was sad. Like if I feel bad about that,

it's because I feel bad. Not because you made me feel bad. And people really need to stop being the victims of their feelings because your feelings like i said in the beginning you don't need to feel bad about them ever like you so you the way you feel is the way you feel no one's making you feel away and if even if someone was like you look ugly today and you're stupid and i don't love you and you go that makes me feel bad no that is a thing you heard that you internalized and you yourself have been made to feel bad but you also could interpret that and say well this person's wrong and that just makes me feel sad that I

let this person in my life talk to me this way but they didn't make me feel that way I chose to feel that way and you really have no choice because no free will i mean i love when you throw that in at the end yeah it always makes me feel better okay summarize briefly i'm gonna summarize this briefly for you yes summarizing is already inherently brief yes an actual fact this is an actual fact oh i say that all the time do you yeah it's an actual fact that uh yeah that's already a fact it are it feels so good you're right that is another redundant i mean these are fun yeah appreciate and value uh depreciate alone already means less than in value yeah i mean all of these depreciate value people say all the times read more keep going uh end

result final outcome a result is already the end of something you don't you don't need to say end and the result being the end result being people say end result all the time oh my god this is mind-blowing final outcome it's already an outcome the outcome is final oh my god everything i say now i'm gonna think is this redundant in some way well i think as stand-ups we do cut out a lot of these words when we try to do i think we add them i think we add these absolutely essential because that sounds more interesting to the ear that's why we have these things is because they they make people listen more and they they sound the exact same whoa exact same. Whoa. Exact same.

It is the exact same one. Yeah, I say it all the time. I mean that. Oh, no. That is the exact. Yeah, you can just say exact or same. Yeah. Let's get to the next story.

This is favorable approval. It's like, yeah, you already have approval, dude. Wait, favorable. I don't say that. Yeah, no one does. General consensus of opinion. Consensus is already general. And opinion is art.

Here's one. In my opinion, you shouldn't say that. Because everything's in your opinion. Whoa. In close proximity. In proximity, it's already close. In my opinion, though, you could be stating something that you might sound like you're presenting as a fact. And it actually is an opinion.

In my opinion, St. Louis feels hotter this summer than past summers. If I say St. Louis. Oh, wait. No, that's still my opinion because I said St. Louis feels hotter. And that's obviously coming from me. Okay, that is great. Let's get to the next story. Most unique. Okay, oh, wait, no, that's still my opinion because I said St. Louis feels hotter. And that's obviously coming from me. Okay, that is great. Let's get to the next story. Most unique.

Okay, we'll keep going. I mean, this is fun. All right, this is a fun story. I was laughing reading this one. The MILF mobile triggers free speech debate in Maine. All right, so this lady has vanity plates in Maine. A few years ago uh they made it uh like so the government could get more money so they could make you could do whatever kind of

vanity plate you want you just pay and you could yeah so they were making like two million dollars off this revenue yeah but the problem is people started making vanity plates like milf mobile exactly like this one is tits out she has so this woman britney glidden drives a 2013 christ whatever she has a milf mobile logo is plastered on their rear windshield hilarious she has kids in this bitch honk if one falls out if you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair condoms prevent minivans. And then her vanity plate is tits out. Okay? All those other things are stickers.

Okay, got it, got it, got it. I was going to say, how did they fit MILFmobile on a... M-L-F-M-B-L? MILFmobile. It sounds like a new cell phone character. Yeah, and sometimes you'll use like eight as a B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now they're trying to put a law in that says that you can't do that anymore

that vulgar and obscene plates can't get made that it's a tits out was it is it like t1 t at five let's see zero no it's just tits out in capital letters. Who cares? When I saw a Trump flag that said, no more bullshit waving in my subdivision, I was just like, kids can Google anything. Tits out. Mommy, what is tits out? It means she has boobs. The things I fed you from are often called tits.

And this woman likes to have them out. That's exactly why she has that vanity plate, she said. She said because she breastfed all her kids, and in Maine, you're allowed to, it's a topless state. It is a tits-out state. Sometimes she drives topless. Yes, I love this woman. Tits out all day.

But do you think that some of it is cur? Yeah, it's all cur. I mean, if you're gonna ride my ass pull my hair bumper stickers are by and large k and the vanity plate i if the state's involved it's like when instagram and you try to write like uh suck my dick bitch to like one of your friends and they're like no you can't do that like do you want them like they wanted to profit off of it and then it backfired because people started doing curse words like uh i don't know

if it's like eat my pussy do you think that's bad for kids to see like do you think they should have no like we lie to our kids about santa claus there's everywhere. Your kids were made with sex. Find a way to tell them the truth without having to. Kids can understand. I was a child once, and I understood when something was for adults and something was for me. I understood that someday I would be able to do the things that adults did, but that some things were not for me. Give your kids the respect they deserved as intelligent human beings. Maybe some of them aren't. And allow them to understand that some things are for adults and some things are for kids

and that they will, if they they grow up get to know what that license plate means but right now mommy doesn't want to talk about it and it's not because you because i'm trying to hide the world from you it's because it's too it's for it's for adults kids can understand that also this whole thing of like you have to tell your kids everything it's like you don't just say that's for adults. I understood that as a kid. I understood that I couldn't have all the candy I wanted because that was something that adults could do and have. Like, I can, there are R-rated,

there was a kid I talked to the other day that was like, I've seen two R-rated movies. He had a firm grasp on the fact that R-rated movies are not for him and that he's been allowed to see a couple and that someday he'll be able to see them all, but he can't yet and he's okay with that kids don't need to have everything that we have also don't use your kid like as an excuse because you actually have a problem with it so many people go oh but my kids are gonna read it's like no you don't like seeing fuck on a vanity plate

and you're using your kids as a way to uh get what you want your kids don't give a fuck you give a fuck yeah it just reminds me of george carlin's bit that i was watching the other day about pro lifers and how they care about the life of a child until it comes out and then they don't give a fuck as soon as that baby comes out of a vagina they like who cares like don't give it welfare don't give it money don't it's on its own and then and then guess when they don't care about you again until you're 18 and you can die for fighting for you know white men who want more power and money like they the they don't care about life until you're out and oh a baby a life needs to be protected

and then the second it's born fuck you until you're 18 and you can baby a life needs to be protected and then the second it's born fuck you until you're 18 and you can go die for us it's like he just nailed it it's the same bullshit it's like they no one really this isn't about protecting children this whole idea that oh children need to be protected they're innocent your child can still be molested or injured or uh something could happen to your child whether or not it understands tits out on a license plate that's not going to protect it do your job and know which things are actually harmful and not and and and actually be consistent about what what you because i bet the woman that's raising a whole fucking stink over this i bet if you looked at her home life there's things her kids are

seeing that are way worse than a tits out license plate or whoever's like causing a man a man oh of course it's a fucking man my child this guy is such a pervert. Guaranteed this guy. Look at his hard drive and see what he's looking at. He is so ashamed of his sexual desires that he has to silence the things in society that might, you know, I bet you anything. This is a case of like, you know, the closeted senator hating gay people. Whenever someone's making a stink about something this small, check their drive yeah he probably has some this man's hard drive he probably has a vanity plate in his closet that says yeah like dicks out i bet god he probably yeah he probably has vanity plates that he sticks on his van that he can over his real license plate so he can steal children and do weird things i mean i don't want say that, but this guy is definitely a perv,

a hidden perv. Anyone, thy doth protest too much. And I don't even think I'm getting that quote right. But anytime you're really upset about something innocuous, check their hard drive. Check the hard drive. Next story.

All right. A rarely seen Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran? A rarely seen Ed Sheeran recently came out again with a new single, Bad Habits. He lost a lot of weight and he's not drinking anymore and he just had a baby with his girlfriend, Cherry. Oh, wait. What is this? An Echinata. Okay.

E-E-K-E-N-A-T-A? Wait, I can't read that. No. Tell us how. Enchilada. Enchinitas. Okay, it's an animal an animal you guys it looks like a porcupine it's a porcupine what i think it's a hard ch echidnas echidnas echidnas echidnas essentially they're like a porcupine anteater okay uh so they uh their mating ritual is they see up to like 10 male suitors they follow they form a train behind the woman for up to six weeks and whoever lasts the longest gets to reproduce with her oh so they keep going like they keep going around

and around and then the one who's left gets to come essentially yeah they gotta follow her for weeks oh they form a treat like they oh they gotta keep up with her yeah but she doesn't really like run around that much i guess they just you know lose interest after a while but they caught it on video of these guys following the woman just like the train behind oh my god it's so cute inky desk i thought the train is they're all fucking each other but apparently it's not what i was hoping but okay so they just follow her around until they just all go like this is you know this is a metaphor for life it's like oh yeah live your life ladies get out there be busy women or men prefer bitches the book i'm reading if you seem like you have a full life

and you give chase men will always that's going to be the guy that likes you yeah that like the guys want what they can't have and if the guy falls off he ain't worth your time like even with you and brenna i think of like if she would have been a little more available if she would have been a little bit more texting you it might it probably wouldn't have worked out. But she was her own person with her own shit going on and left you to realize like maybe thinking at times like, oh, she might be fine without me. And that makes you want her more. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, look, I'm I got I stood in line on that train. Yeah. You lasted. I lasted. You know, I train. Yeah. You lasted. I lasted. You know, I think. Yeah. I mean, the guys are probably walking around like, man, that's a cool rock.

You know, like. Yeah. It's hard to follow for so long. But then I think that to that point, though, I think a woman can be a bitch for only so long where a guy will lose interest if eventually she just doesn't, you know, show him any interest. Right. But then where do you, what do you do? When do you. When do you decide.

When do you text the person if you haven't heard from them in forever? Like, do you, do you, when do you, because there's so often guys who are like, I didn't even know you liked me. And I'm like, I don't need to tell you I liked you. Like, I look at the proof and i show my friends like the receipts and i go i said it here i said it here i gave all these indications if this guy can't understand that this is me being interested i can't help him yeah but the other day you're like these guys they're just i'm doing all the work and then we read it over and you're like oh actually he seemed pretty interesting yeah there was one that i was like

this guy's like blowing me off now and then i read it and i go oh wait i think i blowed him off well there was something like brenna what she did like when we were in cayman for two months rarely did she call me first you know and and i you know so maybe that kept my interest like you know maybe she read that in the book maybe she wanted to call me and she held out from calling because of this thing yeah i mean i'm reading the book i have not contacted any of my like any of the guys that i wish were contacting me i'm just like but have they reached out to you no no and that makes me go well maybe i need to remind them that it's like no i don't just they know i live and and honestly, I can't. If someone isn't, if their thought isn't like, oh, I'd like to talk to Nikki Glaser,

then I can't help you. Are you speaking to a third person? No, I was talking about saying that they say that. But how does Nikki Glaser feel about that? Well, Nikki feels like, you know, I get- Absolutely essential. In my DMs, constantly I'm being told i'm a dream woman and guys would do anything to marry me i have like marriage proposals daily of guys that

just like the kinds of things that i would i'm dying for the men that i actually like to say to me these are all men i don't know i could potentially like them but it's just a little and just saying i know that i'm a catch and and it's just frustrating when I'm not talking to third person. I don't laugh. I know. You said catch funny catch. No,

can we, can we, we can't rewind. I know I'm a catch. Okay. And I was laughing at how you said, it bothers me that these men who also know I'm a catch and they're going to think about me the rest of their

lives after they marry whatever boring woman you know isn't as honest with her feelings so she plays a little bit more hard to get and so i don't eventually get them i know they'll think about me down the line because let me be honest the guys that i've been with who have married people that they chose over me they've told me that they think about me down the line so like i i know that i think this is the hard part though if you are a catch right and they think in their mind you wouldn't want to date them and then you follow what if i tell them so many times like but that's what i'm saying then yes obviously that should be but i'm saying if you play the bitch role and you don't write out to them,

they're going to be like, oh, she obviously has better shit to do than fucking little old me. So what do I do? Do I tell them? Somewhere in the middle, maybe. I mean, I've told these people, like, I love hanging out with you and I'm down to hang out if you are. But I'm not going to like I can only I just go like, hey, if you ever want to hang out, hit me up. And if I'm free and and what are the guys that are initially writing your catch? No, no. That's what I'm just like, hey, if you ever want to hang out, hit me up and if I'm free and want to. But are these the guys that are initially writing your catch? No, no.

That's what I'm saying. No, I don't want guys who are sliding into my DM saying, I heard you on this podcast and I feel like I know you and I think our hands were made to interlock. Like all the things. Well, yes, I mean, I think, but I'm just saying though, if you're telling a guy I love to hang out with you and he's not telling you that you're a catch and he's not being.

No, they tell me I'm a catch when they're drunk. Well, then that's a whole not. That's a country song. And all the truth comes out. You only tell me I'm a catch when you're drunk. I'll catch a fish. I'll catch a cold. I ain't catching Nikki Glaser and I'm getting old.

That's probably a good song is like being a catch and like working with the words catch. Yeah, for sure. Okay, cool. All right. Why do I care? Sweet, dude. Oh, why do you care, Nick? Why do I care?

All right. Seth Rogen says Paul Rudd once swapped places with his masseuse. Oh, yeah. I heard about this. I was kind of uncomfortable by this. Yeah, it is a little i was thinking the same thing okay so he wrote this tweet once i was in the spa in a hotel in vegas getting a massage when i finished i turned over into my shock paul rudd was massaging me

he saw me go in and convinced the masseuse to let me let him take over thinking i noticed immediately i didn't and paul did the entire rest i mean paul rudd must be a great masseuse or seth rogan must have like a really bad taste i bet i bet it's the last like i bet seth rogan was just like i bet he's like you was like i'll eat whatever sandwich they give me yeah like he's like fine with it it could be better but whatever i however would be like this sucks and i want some i'm sorry i don't like this you're i would i would stop the massage i mean paul right didn't have to jerk him off that was weird yeah i mean that's the part that made me uncomfortable no i mean it would be insane i mean

that's breaking so many laws but it's a hilarious bit and how would you feel if it was one of your girlfriends that did that would you feel violated or would you no no i would think it was funny yeah if you're close friends it's i mean it's fucking hilarious i mean i would just be annoyed that i got a shitty massage though for so long and that what if paul red's great or what if your friend's great well let's then i don't think it's that hard i i've gotten so many i give a hell a massage. If you put oil in my hands and you went down face down, you couldn't tell the difference. I really don't think. I know because I've had so many shitty massages that like they really good masseuses have given me shitty massage before because it's very like, you know, different.

Yeah. And I try to like give them instruction and it just does. That's why I so often don't get massages um yeah i i liked this but i also felt like it was a little bit like you just want to know who's touching you you know you just want to know because then the next time he gets him he always has to think it's paul rudd the room? Like, every time Seth Rogen gets a massage. I did say to my sex partner, because we talk about, like, you know, bringing other people in. And I really don't want to know anyone that gets brought in.

Like, I don't want to see them. I don't want to, like, get to know them. I don't want any awkward before. Guy or girl? Guy. Like, another guy? Yeah. I don't want any. don't want to like be like

here's jim he's gonna fuck you and like i met you know like i just kind of i i told him like if i ever do something like that which i'm not ready for that but you're just gonna have to bring that person in when i'm like oh so he so he, so he picks. Yeah. I'm like, you got to get them tested. You got to vet them. I trust you. And I don't want them to be in the room until I'm like dying for that until I'm okay with it. And I'm blindfolded and I don't ever have to see them. I don't have to talk to them afterwards.

I would run into them in the street and I wouldn't even know it was them. Like, but you have to make sure they're safe, but I don't want have to see them. I don't have to talk to them afterwards. I would run into them in the street and I wouldn't even know it was them. Like, but you have to make sure they're safe, but I don't want to know them. Now is this guy into seeing you get fucked by another or touched by another man? Yeah. He doesn't care.

Okay. So he's into it just as much as you are. Yeah. Cause he's doing all the work. He's filling out the forms. Yeah. He just wants to please me that's what that's what a good partner a good sex partner does like wants to do the things that so

you don't want to see these people you just want to be blindfolded you don't even want to see a lineup of paul rudd no i don't want to see anything i don't want to know i don't want to ever want to know what they look like no no no no, no, no. So you're blindfolded. This guy comes in. I would, I would. Now, why not just get blindfolded and have this guy go, yeah, Jim's coming in. And then he just changes his voice. He goes, hey, Jim's here.

All right, that's fine. That's fine. But it's not, it doesn't make for as good of a story. And it doesn't make for us to go afterwards. Like, what the fuck did we just do? Like that kind of moment afterwards. Yeah. But I really really that was

always my hesitation was like with a threesome i don't the awkwardness but even if it was with the girl and or no matter what kind of threesome the awkwardness before you get started bringing a third person in and being like we you know him and i have a great rapport but then this other person i'm just like hi and then you start like the i don't want the foreplay the foreplay for me before i'm really horned up and like ready to do because when i get horned up i will do wild wild things but nikki 10 minutes before that moment would not be okay with those things so the last time we were fooling around i was in that kind of like moment and i go this is when you would bring someone in because i didn't want this 30 seconds ago but now that's gonna be very tough to have a guy on call yeah well you're gonna have to be in the alley like in the hallway

if a guy's horny enough and wants to like join a couple and you got to give at least a little bit of a heads up because this guy's got to drive in from ladue or whatever i don't know the city here i don't care if he if if it if never gets to a point where that's gonna be okay and by the way i always get to that point where it's okay okay so so okay so the guy for some reason i don't oh no i'm not gonna like go through with it just because he drove across town like i don't care at all bye i guess i'll let him up because no you won't be here okay well someone's gonna have to let this guy up it's not happening anytime soon but i just i finally came up i'm like worried about how this guy's gonna get in the building

i am so unattracted to most people i just i know that if i saw his face or i saw anything or heard his voice i would just be like so what are you gonna imagine he looks like under that blindfold doesn't matter it's just like being used by something like as like and i'm being treated like an object if that makes any sense the hottest man you've ever seen you never get to see him because you're blindfolded well maybe we'll meet like serendipitously in another way and and he can't i don't want him i need to have him vetted so that he doesn't talk about it to people or you know you go you go to whole foods and he's like even though i talk about you just see this random guy with one tooth be like remember and you're like fuck like no no this guy saw you he needs to be blindfolded

too i think i talked to my partner and he said anyone i choose will know the rules to never ever talk to you about it like it's gonna be the king community is very like protected and anonymous like hey oh please don't wink at me if you fuck me when i'm blindfolded all right let's get to reddit dump this is where i go through my reddit saved um things and show you what i've been looking at late at night on reddit when no one's sleeping next to me in the dark this is what i've been looking at late at night on reddit when no one's sleeping next to me in the dark this is what i would be looking at uh if i were you andrew not straight arm what do you what do you look at when you're laying next to bruna i was i watched about 90 000 golf videos

i'm obsessed with golf right now i met a new friend playing with oh yeah you found a guy that can come bang me blindfolded. Honestly. I know. You showed me this guy yesterday. You were like, I found a guy for you. And I go, I think you found a guy for yourself. You're like, he's handsome. He's tall.

He's 6'5". And I go, actually, 6'4 is my favorite height. And he goes, actually, it's 6'4. I just rounded up to make him sound better. And I was like, all right. I mean, he hits the golf ball a long way, if you know what I mean. Okay. He's good at golf. hits the golf ball a long way if you know what i mean okay this uh this is from the reddit uh the subreddit to me in real life for me in real life i don't know what that means okay it's like

a for relatable posts that are too real vanity plane they're too real for me in real life but they're the whatever it's just a this is a funny tweet from a girl called egg underscore slut egg slut she said parent parents be like no don't kill yourself you're you'll embarrass us oh i liked this this was from shower thoughts um and it said the the subreddit showerower Thoughts, but they're just like interesting thoughts. It said, the probability that your parents actually wanted you is the highest when you are an adopted kid.

I liked that. I liked that a lot. Take that, people who think adoption makes it so you're not as wanted. Unless you were just left on their doorstep all right this one i wanted to share a while ago i mean that's a good point but then you were probably given to a place that people don't just keep a baby that shows up on the doorstep because or maybe they do i don't know didn't happen with jesus shenate o'connor um this was in entertainment which is when i follow shenate o'connor um this was in entertainment which is

when i follow shanae o'connor explains why she ripped up the photo of the pope on snl um that wasn't the interesting part of this the interesting part was i could not believe this hold on one second let me find it um this is wild because i was looking at shanae o'connor trying to see like you know she got canceled for ripping up the picture of the pope which she always knew she was going to do it was her grandmother's photo of the pope she had planned that she was going to demolish it on tv at some point in her life um I think it's in this article one second this is this is going to blow your minds because I had no idea let me just it. So she had a bad interaction with the late great prince

that you will not believe. Sinead O'Connor, how I survived hellish night of devil prince, quote devil. Sinead O'Connor was already a world famous singer with the number one record. Da da da da da. But that didn't stop a man she barely knew from threatening to beat the crap out of her in broad daylight chasing her around his car early one morning on an la freeway this is the new york post uh from may of this year making the situation even worse the man in question was prince uh shane o'connor tells the story of how they got to this point among many other anecdotes from a bizarre and incredible life in her new memoir, Rememberings. Okay, so here's what

happened. The book's most shocking tale is a night spent with musical icon Prince in 1990, nine months after she earned a number one single for Nothing Compares to You, which is a cover of a Prince song. The pair had only met once for a quiet for a few quiet moments when prince called her out of the blue asking if he could send a car so they could hang out a long black limousine arrived at 9 p.m after a lengthy drive with a driver who did not speak they came to a large dimly lit house she rang the bell for several minutes but there was no answer she had no idea where she was and the driver had left finally the door creaked open and a man wordlessly motioned for her to enter which she did through two enormous reception rooms with aluminum aluminum foil covering the massive

windows what's with that she asked the dejected man who responded with only four words he'd speak all night with the with the four with the only four words he'd speak all night. He don't like light. She was left alone in a kitchen with a small breakfast bar. After several minutes, she started peeking in the cabinets when she sensed another presence. Soon there's a swoosh sound and a sweet smell from somewhere behind. I turn around, Prince is in the doorway, old fluffy cuffs. Seems like he's wearing literally all the makeup ever applied

to the face of boy george the purple one asked if she wanted a drink and she asked for anything non-alcoholic he turns his back to reach up in the cupboard for a glass then quick as a flash he spins around slams the glass down so hard in front of me that i don't know how his hand doesn't go through it and says get it yourself with this o'connor felt trapped as Prince's behavior triggered that of abusers from her past she uh and it says in quotations or in parentheses she infamously claimed that her mother had a torture chamber she said I've seen this before I grew up with it I knew it like the back of my hand I start mentally checking for exits without taking my eyes off him

I realize I don't know where I am I don't know to find the door. I don't know how to find a cab. I'm away off up in some hills very far from the highway is all I know. Prince paced the breakfast bar not speaking for what felt like minutes when finally he screamed at her. I don't like the language you're using in print interviews. You mean English said O'Connor.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. The Irish was beaten out of us. Prince responded that he meant her swearing and O'Connor told him she didn't work for him and that if he didn't like it he could fuck himself this really pisses him off O'Connor writes but he contains it in a silent seethe they wind up sitting at a small table in a room with almost no light with Prince barking orders as the dejected man who had shown her with Prince barking orders at the dejected man who had shown her inside the man held a tray with two bowls of soup and was carrying himself as if he's a battered child about to get

beaten again prince ordered him to serve o'connor soup she said she wasn't hungry but prince insisted repeating repeatedly ordering the man in a demeaning and humiliating manner to serve the soup as o'connor attempted to politely refuse then prince dropped a bombshell prince turns his little vicious face to mine and says in a tone normal people would use when discussing feces this by the way is my brother duane o'connor writes i'm stunned and i'm disgusted that he could treat his brother so badly i express this as poor duane fades out of the room things get heated prince then left the room and returned with two pillows asking o'connor for a pillow fight. This,

are you guys even, is this the weirdest thing you've ever heard? I keep going. I'm so intrigued. hoping it would change the visits. She agreed to the pillow fight, hoping it would change the visits tone. But as soon as he hit her,

she realized that he's got something in the pillow stuffed down the end designed to hurt. He ain't playing at all. By now, O'Connor was terrified. When Prince tired, tired himself out and went back upstairs, she ran for the door. The limo driver driver was there but he was sleeping and O'Connor didn't want to wake him she tried quietly calling out for Dwayne but Prince emerged and ordered her back into the house she obeyed after some time he told her that she was permitted to open the door and ask her driver

to take her home she informed him that she didn't want to wake the driver preferring to take a cab and said another tent another temper tantrum ensues how dare i not do as he is telling me she writes she tried to reason with prince expressing how unsafe she felt at the moment prince responded by lifting his face six inches from hers and staring into her eyes for what felt like eons o'connor got a cold fear in my stomach ran out the front door and woke the driver while screaming for duane but prince intercepted this at once he took o'connor by the elbow instructed duane and the driver to leave prince then ordered her to wait while he found his car keys but o'connor was not getting in the car with him under any circumstances she made a break for escaping into the darkened woods surrounding his house he screamed after her where the fuck have you gone after about an hour

she saw him drive away and began walking home the sun was rising once closer to the highway she stuck out her thumb hoping to hitch a ride home and also praying that Prince wouldn't be the one to pick her up. But to her dismay, he was! He drives. Final thought. He drives alongside, rolls down the passenger window, and orders me to get in. I tell him to suck my dick or some such. He screeches

the car to a halt in the slow lane and gets out. Starts chasing me around the car, telling me he's going to kick the shit out of me, as if I hadn't spotted clue one at 10 p.m this continued for several minutes until o'connor realized they were surrounded by houses she found an opportune moment ran to one and rang the bell after a minute prince got back in his car pondered the situation and drove off she later told her manager what had happened he had uh formerly been prince's manager and when he heard her story he went berserk he wants to go around and shoot fluffy cuffs, as does another of his friends.

She writes, they say I've been a victim of an attack that was actually meant to terrorize Steve, her old manager. They say I've been, it turns out Prince and Steve, her manager, were involved in a legal dispute at the time. O'Connor never learned the details. She didn't care, but she never forgot it. I never want to see that devil again, she writes prince but i think of duane fondly quite often i mean why isn't anyone talking about this do we just not believe shanae o'connor because she's the crazy girl who shaved her head and ripped up a picture of the pope i mean i think you just answered it but i i i just think prince is that famous like people don't care you're not gonna

fucking bring down Prince. Can you imagine? Also a pillow fight is the funniest thing I've ever heard. I mean, I guess we can't verify it. This is just a biography, but I don't know, based on fucking the,

the, the Chappelle sketch of Prince being so Prince is weird. Yes. And I also think like the story, the story is so specific and unique. It's either obviously a hundred percent honest or a hundred percent crazy. And I'm going with honest. Crazier.

If you wanted to lie. I don't know. I mean, that was pretty fucking crazy. What you just said. I, it was too many specifics to the breakfast bar, the brother,

the way I was watching a YouTube clip the other day. Final thought. Too many specifics. The breakfast bar, the brother Dwayne. Although I was watching a YouTube clip the other day. Final thought, I was in a YouTube wormhole about how to spot liars and how to, I mean, this is all from Reddit. And by the way, I found that, this is why I love Reddit. I found that story because there was a post about her ripping up the post picture of the Pope. And then I go into the comments and the comments, the comments on reddit it's not like the comments anywhere else if you guys are like not aware of reddit the comments are upvoted so the most popular and like coolest or controversial you

can sort by controversial you can sort by top it or most upvoted you're gonna get information that you wouldn't find elsewhere that'll lead you down to these like places where you just get more information that isn't on the surface of everything yeah that's how i found that story and i mean that was in the new york post it made 21st of this year and um i guess her book didn't get enough press because that is an insane story to it right in the book seth seth rogan actually just put out a book and had some great stories in it what was the one we covered on here where um someone did something insane in an audition? He couldn't stop laughing in an audition.

Yeah, Tom Cruise. Oh, and he ran into Eddie Griffin, the comedian in an elevator with Jonah Hill in Vegas. This was another story that came out from his book. And Eddie Griffin said, they had just come out with that movie about the monster movie. It was like where they all played themselves. Do you know what I'm talking just come out with that movie about the monster movie it was like where they all played themselves do you know i'm talking about that like horror movie yeah yeah yeah the

end of the world the end of the world yeah there's something like that eddie griffin saw them in elevator was like i love that movie i'm trying to write a movie like that but i can't get anything made because jews run hollywood and that's why you guys got it made will you tell some of your jews to like get let them let black people make movies yeah and jonah and seth were like horrified at first they thought he was joking but then he was like very serious like please let your jews know i mean he ain't wrong um i mean what did he say specifically it was so it was it was i just i love a good hold on one second i got to get something for the final thought because this is all coming together and i can't wait to share this with you one second just hold please because i love a i love a celebrity memoir of

someone i trust who is going to tell the truth about celebrities which is what my book is going to be it's going to it's not going to be like calling people out that i've never called out before but i'm about to go get kathy griffin's book which i stole from my mom's bedside table because i know she has already read it and i wanted to have it laying around because hold on one second you know what i thought was crazy about that noah is that he cared about her using curse words like it goes back to the vanity. Like, he would hate tits out. Don't you think, Prince?

I think Prince would love tits out. No, he hated Sinead O'Connor cursing in her quotes. He was a fucking, he didn't like it. I'm going to stay neutral between Prince and Sinead O'Connor because I don't know what's real and what's fake in that story.'m going to stay neutral between Prince and Sinead O'Connor because I don't know what's real and what's fake in that story. All right, stay neutral, stay neutral. I also think that her copying his,

using her song, he thought he had rights over her. Like he thought he had control over her because she made money off of his words. Poor Dwayne. How's he doing out there? I bet Dwayne's finally free and just... over because she made money off of his words poor duane how's he doing out there i bet i bet duane's finally free and just yeah he changed his name to the uh the ad symbol actually

that's so funny um okay so this is the book kathy griffin celebrity run-ins it's uh she has an a to z index of all the celebrities she's met and all like stories. This bitch has always been so honest about celebrities. People don't even want her around because they know that if they misbehave around her, she's going to tell people in her specials or in her book. This book is so awesome to have around because it's just you pick it up, you open it, and you'll get a celebrity story because this bitch tells the truth. Kathy Griffin, I love her. I don't care what anyone thinks about Kathy Griffin.

You're wrong unless you love her because this bitch tells the truth more than even I do. She's taught me a lot. So this is one that I just want to share and I'm not going to say anything around it, but everyone just needs to hear this. Do you mind if I read this part of her chapter? I think this should be a segment.

Okay, here we go. I like Nikki reading stories. This is Kathy Griffin on Jon Hamm, who she classifies as actor, nemesis. You'll never convince me to like Jon Hamm. I'll admit he was great on Mad Men and deserved that Emmy they finally gave him in its last season, but that's it.

I get that this makes me the loner. Pretty much in any group I've ever been in, when I start bitching about Hammy, people act as if I've just strangled Jesus. But I've known him since before Mad Men. You see, he's bros with some comedy guys i know and i have to say the vibe i've gotten from him is cold and somewhat distraught i've always gotten from him is oh is cold and somewhat disrespectful toward me i'm suggesting he's one of those hot guys who's mildly funny but actually thinks he's comedian level funny you know the type there's probably one in your office or family he just reeks of that it's an entitled air when hammy wants to be funny he's well not and again

i'm not saying he hasn't been good in his comedy appearances on 30 rock and so on but in my experience the harder he tries to be funny the more he's not funny to me case in point a dinner at the legendary talent agent sue menger's house in which i was privileged to be invited it was only eight people and one of them was the great jack nicholson so when hammy showed up too inside i thought oh great he even said to me what are you doing here i said i earned my seat at this table what are you doing here he was in hair and makeup because he'd just come from the set of mad men where he'd been directing the episode as well as acting in it and yes i'll even admit he's a little talented but he proceeded to get very drunk during the coffee table portion and then when it was time for dinner Sue had sat him next to me but at least Jack Nicholson was there and I could focus on

hopefully getting to know one of the great actors of our time then Jack who usually directs whatever he says to seemingly the world at large focused on me when he went off on a tangent about Rupert Murdoch almost getting a pie in the face during a parliamentary hearing in England. I was asking him about why he was so interested, and he started doing an imitation of the right-wing media mogul, and I was in heaven. And Hammy picks that moment when Jack is talking to me to start whispering boozy yammerings into my ear. First it was, you know, your Emmy isn't a real Emmy. I let that one go. But then he whispered, you're so old. I said out of the side of my mouth, not now. But he kept going, saying things like, do you know how old you look? Finally,

I turned and barked, you can't keep up. keep up you're out class now zip it jack's talking the impression i got from him was i'm not going to let her have that moment and i will never forgive him for stealing my moment with jack from me and look i've been told i'm old and not funny by a lot of guys a lot of hot guys too but when i'm in an intimate conversation space with friggin jack nicholson an opportunity i figure i'd never get. That's the real reason I can't stand Hammy. The double whammy of cruel but not playful comments and the horrible timing. Again, he's not a comedian, folks. Hopefully done with the drink, but probably still Don Drapery.

I'll also admit that I get a perverse joy in making him a nemesis, because it simply hasn't been done by anyone else. I've cornered the market on convincing the jury that there is at least reasonable doubt regarding Mr ham's character and that is all i will say on that guys we have such great shows coming up for you this week tomorrow marilyn rice cub is going to be on the show as our special guest uh and we'll we'll just do more of what we've been doing today which is really digging into things i mean i admitted some things on here I wasn't planning on admitting. Any final thoughts on that story, Andrew?

Yeah. You know, Jon Hamm, he's talented. All right. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. Don't be cool. And we'll be right back. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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