The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #64 Always In Process

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she is in a mood and advocating for her local Starbucks employees. Andrew slept like candy because he got to hit a couple of balls last night. They dig into Nikki's mood and find out it's the looming pressure of a tour and finalizing a set. You Heard it Here First, teachers have other lives, it sucks to die on a rollercoaster, how to keep your feet on a plane and Andrew's sports moment involves a regular Joe. They go through some fun "Fanthrax" and close out the show talking about accidents that people try to play off as cool. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's okay if you haven't. This is a great show today. I'm in a mood. You know, who's not in a mood? I mean, it could be a good one. You don't know. People don't normally say I'm in a mood when it's a good one. Yeah, I just, things were running behind at Starbucks today and set my morning a little bit. Just, you know, Starbucks was backed up. And sometimes you go in there, and they're all backed up. And I understand it. Working at Starbucks is not fun uh I'm sure it can be

um when you quit and you walk out so I guess you're not really working there anymore but it doesn't seem to be like a job that uh is very you feel I think it used to be one of those jobs everyone was like oh my god all the benefits and they give you health care and you're a partner and all this stuff but now it just seems like they fucking hate what they're doing and they it has like a TSA vibe of like really resenting the job knowing that it's just kind of a um that you're not you know the thing is though they are drug dealers more so than TSA TSA are truly doing some kind of performative like tsa have like never caught a terrorist since they've been implemented i think that's true they've literally never caught

any anyone i think the shoe bomber guy was like on the flight trying to light up his shoe so like he got passed um so tsa which they're it's completely that that must feel not good they must convince those people they are really important because i like that they take it so seriously seemingly sometimes that's the worst tsa agent is someone who takes it too seriously or someone who doesn't take it seriously at all you want something in the middle but it's all bullshit um you might as well work at fucking disneyland and it's a small world it's uh what's it called they they call it the um the theater theater of security like it's it's there's some the illusion of safety it's like a it's a magic trick that TSA has just put there to convince dumb Americans that we're doing the best we can

to not have another September 11th when really it's kind of you know they're probably not going to do it that way again you You know what I'm saying? You know how they did it the first time and we go, we could never have imagined. Well, they're probably going to come up with something we could have never imagined. I don't know. That's just my thought.

But yeah, Starbucks today, you just go in there. Those people are delivering. They should take pride in their work if they were paid better for it, which they're not. I have no problem with anyone who is making under, you know, I don't know. I'm saying $25 an hour for what you do. That's what should be minimum wage at this point. And I know nothing about economics and how that would change

the country probably everything would just get more expensive and then it would be 25 would be 750 minimum wage anyone who's working harder than the money you're getting which is like almost everyone um take your time don't don't actually rush I don't care because that's the problem I have when someone when my food is late or when Starbucks is running behind or when you know the car wash is backed up and I'm seeing the workers and they're just kind of milling about and they don't seem to care about getting me through as quick as possible or the gate attendant at the you know checking in my bags seems to be taking your time you know what take your fucking time because you're not being paid enough and i allow you that our society is not we should allow tipping more it should be there

should be more tip jars out so these people feel compensated to work harder and and maybe something good could come of it because the thing is if you if you're milling about all day at work at starbucks you might lose your job eventually because you know you're not getting the numbers that they want but they need you so bad i mean every single uh business i think right now people are dying to fill everything's understaffed my sister told me the other day that she went to the skyline Chili in Cincinnati with my dad and mom and a bunch of people. And they came in. The waitress had warned my dad's table.

We are understaffed. We're slammed. It's going to be longer today. And everyone was cool about it. Guess who was complaining as soon as his meal didn't arrive in the right way at the right time it's just like they can't even warn you and and people still get disgruntled and my dad's getting disgruntled he's a nice person who didn't vote for trump and doesn't feel uh generally i don't see him as someone who feels more entitled than the rest and is not delusional so if my dad is behaving that way with people who warn him that service

is slow can you imagine how people treat retail workers and food service workers and any it's just be kind to all those people out there especially if you're someone who works at a job where you're underpaid for what you do. Have compassion for other people and just let them be slow with your Starbucks. Today, I just sat back. There was a girl hanging on the counter waiting for her mobile order because you can hang over the counter and kind of look where the mobile orders are. Sometimes I take a peek. I go over and I look and I go, is my drink there? Because I just want to help them out. And I always ask before I grab because that's rude to like reach behind their bar but this girl is like hanging on the bar I see so many people come up and go can I get a cup of ice it's like they are slammed and you're asking for more bullshit that you didn't pay for it's just like just and I used to be one of those

people I used to bitch every single day on our on Sirius when I would get my Starbucks before I go if it wasn't filled to the top I'm like I paid for a venti drink I paid six dollars and seventy cents for a fucking steamed almond milk latte I want every inch of the cup covered if I wanted a grande I would have gotten a grande you gave me a grande and a venti I used to get so mad it would like literally like that was the mood that my day would be set into is based on whether or not my Starbucks was filled to the top and now I get what I get and I'm happy with it and it's just like I just I'm not a perfect person like I still get frustrated by people who are rude or people who are really like today at Starbucks, I was like, really?

Like you're slammed and you're still moving at like the pace that I would if I was doing a Marie Kondo like inventory, you know, like where you're supposed to touch everything and like gently go, do I want this in my life? That's the way this girl was like looking at cups and just like picking up a cup, like so gentle that I'm like you're more gentle with these cups when you have 14 drinks to make that are already overdue that than I was with Marion this weekend and she has a open wound like it was the same kind of like gentle slowness and you know what I was watching it and I was kind of just like laughing about I was like

that is so cool that she can be that calm under this much pressure I'd be like and I'd be like knocking cups over I mean probably my speed would actually make things worse so if I can ask you of anything ask anything of you besties uh which is what I call my listeners if you're a new listener being like what the fuck are you saying um just be nice to to anyone who you want to complain about to the manager like literally anyone you don't know what's going on in their day you don't know if they're struggling to get out of bed in the morning you don't know if their husband just left them and they have to support two kids you don't know if they live with their fucking parents who are abusive and sick like you don't know so and they're working at starbucks no one

no offense mate actually i do want to work at starbucks there is a secret part of me that does want to work at starbucks to prove to myself that i could be good at this job that i've watched and judged so many times there's a part of me that a little undercover boss part of me that wants to step in for a day put on a fake mustache and trick everyone. And then at the end, I'm like, I'm Nikki Glaser. And they're like, who? They're like, oh, the girl that gets like the craziest drink order every single day. And we like know it's coming because the printer breaks on the mobile order. No, just know that no one wants to be working the job that you're about to complain about. Like, that really helps me sometimes as I go, you know, let me give you an example,

another example. You know, a FedEx guy, a delivery guy. And the box, he put the box in the, he threw the box and it's a little dented. No one wants to be delivering your goddamn thing that you could have gone to the store and bought yourself if you just wanted to drive. Like no one wants to be doing, no one wants to work at all, in fact. So just have compassion for the times where you didn't want to be at work. Put yourself in that exact mood that you remember where you hated every customer that walked in

and maybe have a little compassion for this person that's going through that and still complain and ask for what you want as a customer, but let's just ease off the hanging over the bar at Starbucks and being like, so is this like, can I get less ice? And then the woman has to throw out

an entire venti drink can i get less ice and then the woman has to throw out an entire venti drink because you wanted less ice take the ice out yourself and be on your way ma'am i don't know maybe i'm just tired of um people expecting things from employees who were paying minimum wage too literally minimum wage is such garbage and has not gone up with the fact that everything else has gone up i don't really know anything about economics again i i'm speaking out of you know outside my realm of knowledge but anyone who is making if i wouldn't do the job for that much money um i let them slide and i let them get away with literal murder because it sucks. Work sucks. And Iceland, I heard, just implemented a four-day work week and it's killing. Like everyone's so happy. Can we please

get on board with that? How great would America be if we had a four-day work week? Yes, your Starbucks might be closed on Friday or Monday, depending. Like, really let people off work. The thing is, I wouldn't be off work. That's another weekend for me to fucking go out and do shows. So it's not going to benefit me. I mean, financially it will, but I'm going to be exhausted. But, you know, I just think, I really hope that the headlines I'm reading about Iceland somehow seep into our collective consciousness as

Americans and we relax and we have more just like, what's, I just, working sucks and I have empathy for everyone who's doing a job that they hate. People who are collecting, like I have a trash room, last example. There's a trash room in my building or on my floor and it's very clearly states you take the cardboard boxes and you flatten them as much as possible you put them next to the recycling bin it's a very clean room most trash rooms and apartment complexes is not that clean then with any cardboard that will not flatten, you put into a plastic, this is on a sign in the room. You put it in a plastic bag and you put those recyclables in a plastic, any plastic

bag, and then you put it in the dumpster, right? The little dump thing. They only have one bin in there. Recycling, loose recycling, and then next to it, flattened cardboard. Then there's a trash chute, a hole you just stick your trash in and you throw it down. Nothing bothers me more. Andrew will do this, Noah. Andrew does this. People don't think about people collecting trash. It's my bathroom example again,

where you go into a bathroom at a restaurant or a bar and there's paper towels all over the floor because girls, the bin is overflowed and now people are just throwing them and then it's falling and tumbling off and now it's all over the floor because girls you know the the bin is overflowed and now people are just throwing them and then it's falling and tumbling off and now it's all over the floor someone has to pick that up someone has to remember that even when you wipe your cooch and a little bit of toilet paper falls off maybe and tumbles to the ground someone is going to have to sweep or pick that up. Someone's muscles and cells in their body have to put in effort to clean up after you. Think about

that. It's just not like, not, Roombas aren't ubiquitous yet. They should be. I'm thinking of getting another Roomba just to keep my Roomba company because I'm so obsessed with Roomba. But what, sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll have a bunch of boxes and I'll go, Andrew, can you flatten these and put them in? Can you go take these to the trash room? I won't even say flatten them. We take them to the trash room. And I've told them so many times I go read the sign in the trash room because I want to respect the people that are cleaning up our trash and do it exactly how they want it. So it's easy for them. And I go to the trash room so many times and there's full, there's boxes that aren't flattened just tossed next to the trash can or there's loose uh items from our house inside the trash recycling bin that haven't been put in

a plastic bag it is not that hard and it's but it's i used to be like that too though where it's like oh it's good enough and especially when you're dealing with trash like when you're taking something in the trash room it's already trash in your hand you're not thinking of it as this thing that someone has to deal with please please get to a place where you are thinking about the people who have to pick up the trash trash just does not disintegrate when it enters a bin or it's is on the floor keep picking up your trash be nice to people who are working jobs that you wouldn't work or that no one would want to work we all got to work um i have to do some jobs

coming up that i don't want to fucking do either and um but i'm getting paid really well for them i have to say i am very grateful that i am in a profession that i'm just lucky it's luck it doesn't have anything to do with anything else and i'm grateful for it but uh in doing so i in having that money i tip generously to people who do not make as much. Always. Always, always, always. If you can, always, always tip. Like 100%.

If you're someone who's rich and you're not spreading your wealth, stop listening to the podcast. I don't like you. All right, let's get Andrew in here. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and In Your Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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back and you check those episodes out, alright? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hello. How did you sleep?

Like candy. Really? Actually, I slept really well last night. Probably because I hit balls for three and a half hours. Yeah. You know, I'm obsessed. I know. I get it.

You know, we both have obsessions that we we we do for hours a day and we feel guilty about it because it is not going towards anything else like i played guitar yesterday for like four hours it's like it's it's just yeah we can't stop i went i took a lesson and the guy gives you balls to hit and then i I took out a medium balls, which is 75 balls. And then I took out a large balls, which is 110. So I hit, I don't know, 400 golf balls yesterday. Yeah, I mean, that's. And I don't know if it's getting me better or making me worse.

It's got to get me better, right? Yeah, it's got to get you better. I mean, this is the kinds of things that you hear about, you know, great basketball players. They just like went home from school and just shot in their driveway for like hours and hours and hours and hours and hours until they were like finally like starving and had to like collapse from like, you know, like you just do it until. Doesn't it suck? There's a window of like pushing as hard as you can, practicing as much as you can, and everyone's like, yes, they're a hustle hard person.

Maybe they'll be pro. You're being like at 41. It's just a ridiculous thing to pursue. No, I mean, as long as you like it. Like what's your goal? Do you have a goal? My goal is I want to be a scratch golfer. I want to get down to at least single digits, maybe a five.

I don't know what that means. So yeah, I was going to tell you. So golf is judged by handicap, which your handicap is whatever you shoot over par. So let's say par 72. If you shoot a 75, you're a three handicap or whatever. So right now I'm probably around a 15. Okay. So I want to lose 10.

Now the problem with golf is getting from 50 to 20 is easy and 20 to 10 is oh whatever but then 10 to like 5 or 10 to scratch it's extremely difficult yes um do you feel that golf is this obsession is taking you from things what would you be doing with your time if it wasn't golf like what did you do before golf nothing i mean ask me i know yeah yeah no i it's a good obsession i think and uh it makes me uh a better a better human after i'm done hitting like do you have any guilt that you're not working on other things because that's my guilt is like i i should be working on my stand-up i should be uh you know returning emails recording ads that are due different like i have so much stuff piled up i don't feel like you have that that many things piled up that you're

neglecting so there's less maybe guilt with it yeah i mean look i could obviously be writing more jokes i i have been working on material uh but you know i i don't sit down sometimes i sit down and write but yeah i do feel a little bit like oh shit this tour is coming up but then again i do you're doing 10 minutes i know but you say that which you a lot of times you say it like yeah because it's 10 minutes i would kill to just do 10 minutes i'm probably gonna have you do seven to be honest with you it's like it's a cakewalk you're yeah but why what but you say it though like so then why do you even practice if you're only doing 10 minutes honestly that's my question i know but obviously i want to be a good stand up practice i mean what are you you're practicing you say very very rude by the way okay i always

do it you always go you only do it in 10 minutes. Why the hell do you care? Because it's still a thing for me. It's still like, whether you're doing a minute or 10 seconds, it's still a thing. Yeah, it's not fair for me to compare to the time I have to do. Yeah, you're right. You're right. But yes, your time is definitely more.

But like, okay, so I only have 10 minutes to prove to myself that i'm a good stand-up and then okay if i only have 10 minutes why even be motivated to do anything right okay well then that's a whole mind fuck in itself then i so i gotta write new jokes but i already have a 10 minutes that i know will do well but it's like why do yeah i guess because that's my i'm just jealous because you don't have to have new material you know that you have a 10 minute set that like you know crushes you don't people aren't gonna go i heard that joke before yeah i mean that i'm just jealous is essentially where it's coming from and i and i think that in the past i would be like oh my god we're going on tour

i don't know i'd have this energy and i get that and you should be annoyed by that person but i think especially within the last year like i i don't bring that energy to you and i try not to just so you know not just for you but just for me like i don't have that energy anymore where it's like i don't know what i'm gonna do i understand that i'm only doing yeah i've been a pill lately uh in in general because of this tour and how i'm like i literally don't know anything i'm gonna say on stage i'd be if i if you told me tomorrow if you told me tomorrow hey andrew you're doing we're switching up i'm gonna do 10 you do an hour i i probably want to hit golf balls today. Well,

yeah, that wouldn't happen because I'm ready to do an hour. Like the, the, the thing is this always happens to me. Whenever I have a tour pending and like something big is about to happen. I always get into a bad mood. I always procrastinate.

I always don't work on the thing that I need to be working on. And it always turns out fine. Always. It hasn't ever not. So I have to trust that it's gonna be fine that me playing guitar is not taking from me being like i've been having nightmares every single night that i have to perform stand-up and i don't know what i'm gonna say and i keep trying to sing songs instead and last night i opened for ariana grande at an arena like an ice skating arena and it didn't go well um i was bringing gary goldman it was ariana grande then me then

this was a dream yeah dream okay and i i just like i had no idea what i was gonna say and i begged them to get me a guitar and my dad was, we can't get your guitar here. And for some reason, my dad was there. And so I just, yeah, it's weird to enjoy something more than the thing you do for a living. And that's what you really want to do for a living. But you're not good enough at it. Yes. Like, I really want to be a singer songwriter. And I'm not good enough at it yet.

The thing is, as soon as I get on stage and I start doing stand upup it's like oh this is fucking awesome I don't have to talk in metaphors I don't need to worry about the chord changes and things sounding buzzy like that's the thing is like when I'm playing songs now and I'm trying to get a repertoire together and trying to like perfect songs there are times where it's like oh fuck that f was really buzzy and that that thing was off key or whatever and i think about my stand-up and i'm like you i was thinking about making a studio album and how literally they they don't do the song in one take you know it's like you'll do the chorus it's like layered 10 times someone's voice is layered 10 times and not like harmonizing my

mom didn't even know this because we were singing Taylor Swift in the car and I go mom do you know like every song you hear on the radio like if it's a someone's voice it's like their voice like 10 times on top of itself she was like no and I'm like yeah that's why like acapella sounds different than anything else and because they have effects on the voices and stuff but when you're making i could make a studio album that sounds great because you take each thing like if i was doing like blank space it'd be like nice to meet you where you been and i would just go nice to i would do it until it's like perfect then we'll move on to the next part i can show you incredible oh i didn't like that i can show so live performances of artists with it's just guitar and their voice

is like incredible when they can do that perfectly it's really rare that you get it like perfectly and with stand-up when you do i was thinking oh with a special the special is kind of like a studio album version of you know like they're the equivalents like this is the thing you put out that everyone judges even in a special i have extra words and buzzy things. Like, specials can't be that perfect either. I've never done a joke perfectly. It's always going to sound different than... Unless you did, like, a studio recording of it.

But then it would lose all its, like, luster. Then there's no live audience. Yeah. And you only have two chances to make it right. But it's perfectly imperfect, I guess you could say. Yeah. The idea that there's all this pressure, the idea that you only have two times.

All these things probably make you sharper in a way. There's positives in it. The feeling of the crowd will make you probably perform the joke better or at least think it's funnier than if you were just in alone in a dark studio imagine saying your joke a hundred three hundred times i mean i i have but i'm saying like in that same sitting like no it would be that would be hard to do but i just like i don't know i'm just nervous about uh i get but the thing is everyone feels this way every artist has self-doubts.

They're like, I'm not going to be good enough and all this stuff. It feels weird to say because people are like, I have tickets to your show and you think you're going to suck. It's like, no, I'm not going to suck. You know I'm going to be good. This is what makes me the artist that you enjoy is that I think I suck and think I'm tricking everyone into liking me. But you said something yesterday I was thinking about after the podcast where you go i i hate silence because i'm afraid if i'm silent too long someone's gonna yell you suck and from everything you say like that that negative like you're just so negative to yourself in that instance where like what if

it was quiet and someone goes i love you even though that would be kind of annoying too during stand-up but i'm just saying like changing that thought process of like if it is quiet oh no someone's gonna yell something positive because 98% of people there want to be there can I tell you what I do with that yeah I would think that everyone who hated me would go god why is that person saying I love you and encouraging this woman like who the fuck hates you coming to your show? How many people do you think hate you? I don't know. Women who are dragged by their husband who saw my roast compilation are like, she's going to roast us.

And she's like, I don't even want to do this, Jim. Well, I just, she's hot. Oh, I resent that you even, you probably just want to fuck her. I hate this girl. She's raunchy. My kids, she's not Christian. Like there's, there's certain people that get drug along to things that their spouse enjoys.

And I'm, I'm thinking about that woman. And I'm thinking about people that have, why are you thinking about that person? Well, I'm also thinking about everyone who might have expectations of like, this is going to be the best night of my life. And like,

you know, or like, this is going to be, I spent all this money and it should be this. I've been disappointed by movies before it walked out like i'm always nervous about that like well it wasn't as good as i wanted it to be but it was fine like that kind of response and you know the person yelling i love you i hate when people do that even though it's so nice and i do like that that person loves me it always feels like the the student who's like you forgot to give us homework and everyone hates that

student i'm like don't encourage this woman or the teacher don't tell them like yeah you're not speaking for us drunk lady we actually hate her and we don't like where she's going with this and and also i love you sounds like patronizing a little bit like keep going you've got this you go girl so i mean that's the fear is like the silence of i just don't want the audience to ever feel like i to i don't want them to ever feel awkward for me because that's the worst as an audience member myself i hate when i don't trust that this person knows what they're doing yeah well and the truth i'm telling you right now i don't know what i'm going to be doing on stage. Like I will have a set list picked out by then and like have nowhere.

I'm going with certain things, but well, so many comics, so long, so many comics nowadays, especially post COVID are writing, like come to, you know,

uh, Jeff Smith's show working out new material. And they just lean, they lean into the fact that it's all new. Yeah, that's what Ben Glees told me to do. We don't know what's going to happen. Well, that's actually a great device. And I wish I would have done that

because that is the truth. Like, I will be working on new material. And when you say that, no one can get mad if it's shitty. Yes. Because you're bringing them in the process. That's a scapegoat though. Yeah.

But it's also honest. And for some reason reason people want to maybe come see it more people like that people like the grittiness of it oh i'm seeing the process i'll tell you i'm always in process there's i i'm in process even when i'm on the tonight show or conan sometimes i'll work out a bit that i'm like i thought of this in the shower once but i've never said it okay i'll say it now so that's always going on with me i just i i'm just having a day of self-doubt and i'm being i'm a little depressed today i don't know why um and it's manifesting in thinking that i'm a fraud and as i i have to perform what is it thursday saturday night's our show at waterloo i'll be fine as soon as i grab the mic i I'll be fine. I will be fine.

There's never been a time I'm not fine when I grab the mic. Never. But leading up to it, I've never had a job I don't dread until this podcast, by the way. And that includes stand up. I just want to say, if you're listening to this podcast, I look forward to this show every single day. I get a little nervous when we have guests because I want to be good for them. But other than that, I have no nerves. I love everything. And I've literally never had a job like that. Never

in my life have I had a job. And I'm just saying this about like, and you know what? An F boy island as well. Never dreaded that either because it was just, I got to be myself much like this. It was in paradise. It was with a bunch of friends but stand up i will i remember my ex-boyfriend saying why do you do this thing that you seem to hate the whole way up to it and i really did i'd be like i don't want to go do a set i'd be driving over being like oh this set and then i grabbed the mic and i'm like so happy so i don't know what it is is that yeah i'm just trying to think like well you did a lot of i mean you've been doing this for 16 7 whatever i've never been excited about going on stage

unless unless i know i'm a unless i really know what i'm about to do and there's someone in the audience that i like want to impress that's the only time i'm like i can't wait to get up there look i mean i'm in the same boat but as soon as i get up there i want audiences to know because this would really bum me out if i was someone who was buying a ticket to my show i want you to know as soon as i grab the mic i have the most fun i'm so present in that moment and i truly have a great time and i'm actually organizing this stand-up set for this one that i'm taking out to be that to be really fun and like different and we're gonna try a bunch of different stuff and um yeah and and i and i have to work music into it somehow and i know that might make people like oh god she's

getting a guitar out it will be funny i promise to not disappoint you and make you bored yeah i mean do you try and andrew will get his three minutes he's gonna do a 35 seconds it's gonna be great demonstration i'm gonna go out there. I'm going to smile. I'm going to show you guys my muscles and then I'm going to go backstage. But you know what? I'm going to be scared. It'd be hilarious if you brought out your driver and just held it. I should wear golf clothes on stage.

It would be a look. Wait, what were you just about to say? I'm sorry. No, no. You know, one, I don't want you to feel alone. Like I feel that like I don't't hate it but like i don't i'm very afraid the whole time leading up to that i'm not gonna do well so it's obviously like horrible for my i'm anxious person anyways so it's like this is like just leading into like yeah i feel i don't

feel that going into this or going to hit golf balls but after you get it and you fucking nail it that's the beauty of it like if you didn't have that feeling you wouldn't care honestly i don't even celebrate the nailing it well yeah you don't even do that but i have fun in the moment on stage and then afterwards i'm like that was fun but i don't go yeah did it yes i never do that i do think though like you haven't you've done stand up a lot in la but you haven't done an hour in a while and this is the first hour it's there's a lot of lead up and i think by like fucking week seven it's like you're not even gonna have these i think it's gonna be worse one night one it's gonna fly by like an hour it seems like a lot but it does fly by we gotta get to the news talking about

flying by the news apparently thursday baby thursday baby baby you heard it here first oh my god i'm looking at that celsius what are you feeling about it honestly i think that's what made me sick yesterday i think celsius's truly caused me to have a flu-like reaction i'm not joking you that's not the first time you drank it i know the other time i drank it too i felt the same symptoms and i thought it was because i had um cells in your ass yeah i thought it was because I had Sex And it had like foreign matter in my body But it wasn't that It's Celsius it is for

Have you been pouring it in your asshole Yeah I mean yeah I'm saving my mouth for marriage I just see a Celsius can waiting for you At the end of the aisle Oh my god But no I think Celsius fucked me up yesterday I just see a Celsius can waiting for you at the end of the aisle. Oh my God. But no, I think Celsius fucked me up yesterday.

Well, Celsius is still going strong for me. Yeah, I'm glad you like it. Dustin Poirier, don't get mad at me. Yeah. Oh, my stomach is turning just thinking about it. That's interesting. I think it's the Celsius. I'll try it again another time.

We'll test it. That's the news. I hope you're having a great time out there. You're going to have an amazing weekend and all the swells because you're going to see us in Waterloo, boy. Yeah, no wives are going to die. I bet you three wives die. Maybe not our listeners. Nationwide? Do you think one of our listeners has died since starting?

Probably. No. Oh, boy. I mean, someone just wrote in and said, Noah goes, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's skip that. I mean, I think about that and said, Noah goes, no, no, no, let's not. Let's skip that. I mean, I think about that all the time. Even Pantera Noah over here. Well, sometimes when I'm at a baseball game.

Yeah, I'm at a baseball, Pantera. Queen of darkness over here. Can't handle it. No, whenever I'm at a baseball game and I see like a crowd of people, I go, someone, someone here is going to die in the next month. Oh, wow. Odds are someone here will not be here in a month. Did you ever see the documentary of the guy at the...

Oh, yeah. You showed me. The Larry David game. Oh, my God. It's amazing. It's called The Long Shot. Yeah. You just got to see it.

On Netflix. Please watch The Long Shot on Netflix. It's a very short documentary and it'll blow your mind. And then write to us and tell us how happy you are that we told you to see it. On Netflix. Please watch the long shot on Netflix. It's a very short documentary and it'll blow your mind. And then write to us and tell us how happy you are that we told you to watch it. All right. So teachers from around the world confess on the secret sharing app Whisper how they spend their summer. This is the one where you can like. The revelations range from shocking to depressing.

So one is like, you know, I'm a teacher. I'm a. So Whisper is this app where you can like it's pretty much like post secret where people used to write on postcards and uh say secrets that they didn't tell anyone so this one says i'm a teacher during the school year my secret i work as a pro dom dom d-o-m-m-e that's a female dom uh during the summer i make way more money with my second job hell yeah i mean like if you are able to crack into the um sex industry and do it safely and uh that that is a great way to make some side cash i'm not um advocating it but this is what people have to do now i was just talking about this at the top of the show people with fucking shitty jobs because no one gets paid enough to do fucking anything you gotta you know whip some guy that wants to be cuckold you know like you you tie up a

businessman and spit in his face and then you you make more than you did all day at starbucks it's like wild oh my god on three spits you're good on demois the um celebrity gossip thing apparently there's a comedian who gets visited many many times by uh doms like like gets prostitutes constantly to um tie him up and call him a little pussy boy and stuff like that no name i mean i think it's all of them i'm like that could be any of them they all hate themselves you know like to i like it too to be tied up and said and made to do things you know and um i don't like to be degraded but most comedians don't like themselves it kind of takes low self-esteem and so that is that's probably something that a lot of comedians would be into i love this teacher thing because it's like during the summer i'm a dumb like they have

like this like uh alter ego and it's like you could dom on the weekends like you don't have to wait till the summertime that's true but but also on the weekends you're working all week and so you want to have your weekends free yeah i guess but i mean how long does it take to dom but yes i get it it's still a job i mean like but how long does it take to do stand-up i do like this app too because it's like it's anonymous So they could just write their own and be like, wow, we're getting so many writers in. And it's like, you can make your own all day long with this app. What do you mean? Like, like it's called.

You can just lie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like anything. Yeah. But especially this because it's anonymous. As a teacher, I have the summer off and have gotten into the habit of daily drinking and it's fantastic.

Okay. Well, that is not going to that. I'm glad you're having fun with it now. Have your fun because that is a one way ticket to hell. I'm a teacher and my summer consists of smoking weed, playing video games and eating junk food. I mean, that's like kind of like my my life to the summer holidays are the only time I feel like my old self. I've been miserable since I became a teacher. Yeah. Teachers shout out out to teachers talk about people who are underpaid for what they do you know how i feel about teachers i love all of you so much and i'm so sorry you have to deal with all the parents who are feel so entitled now to that their kids the best and

it's just teachers i don't know how you do it i'm a teacher and i can't wait to go back to school my students teach me more about life than anything else summer is lonely oh well that's a nice little uh the other side of things i mean some teachers i'm not saying they don't take pride in what they do and i don't need to thank them in terms of like thank you for doing this miserable thing some of you really enjoy it but you should be paying more. I would feel like teacher-parent conferences is like us going on stage. Like, I would dread. Oh, I would love that. Really? Yeah.

I mean, I know it's a task that teachers have to do that they're like, oh, God, I'm not even getting paid for these hours, and it sucks, but I don't mind it. So if my son was a C student and I came in, I go, look, I don't think you're teaching well. I think my son actually has a lot of potential. Yes, he's a C student and I came in, I go, look, I just, I don't think you're teaching well. What are you going to, I think my son actually has a lot of potential. Yes, he's a C student.

I just don't think you're doing your job correctly. Here. I have it shown that he didn't turn in homework this day, this day, this day, this day. And he got this on a test. I gave him extra time. He came, I offered to tutor him during his off hours. I have all the evidence to show that I'm doing all I can. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, but I guess you're putting in all this effort,

but obviously your effort is not good. Listen, I'm a public school teacher, and I'm not paid enough, and you're probably a rich dad who's trying to get out of his taxes, which actually contribute to me getting paid, so I don't really feel like I need to hear any gruff from you.

Gruff? You're going to say I have gruff. and sir you know i'll see you this summer when you hire me to tie you to your bed and piss in your mouth look that has nothing to do with this i think it has everything to do with it fucking pussy bitch oh my god and see you're right my son is stupid next all right a 47 year old woman died not a listener to show on the voyager roller coaster in indiana after tearing an artery oh so this was amazing so the i mean amazing maybe it is amazing keep going this is exhilarating it's a woman's death it's

exhilarating was there a picture of it just like a one moment or she just has x's for her hands are up they got a photo of the oh dear i'm sorry to this woman and her family keep going uh so there were three things that caused a death which i thought was pretty impressive severe internal blood loss the tearing of an artery and the force from the roller coaster which the last one doesn't really go with the other two are like in your body and the other one's like and the roller coaster was rough yeah um but and then it says the last quote which i thought the coroner goes it was a reaction her body had from riding the ride it had nothing to do with a malfunction or anything as far as safety

and that type of thing i mean anything can cause you to you know it's this is unfortunate but it sounds like at least she went out doing something i don don't know. She might have liked. Yeah. I wonder what, I mean, should people avoid these rides if they have internal bleeding? It's like COVID. It's like, don't go out if you're out of shape. Don't go on a roller. Should a roller coaster be more like, be like, you look a little unhealthy. I mean, I came from a roller coaster my friend had a um stroke because uh when she had an orgasm because it was such a rush of blood and she had um

she had an underlining illness that uh underlining or underlying underlying i think is the word illness that caused her to have um like she had she had lyme disease in which she had an orgasm all of her blood like shot around and she had a stroke because of on a roller coaster no no no so like if you have something else going on things that cause your body to have chemical responses that are abnormal to like the day-to-day life are gonna set these things off well that's the thing too like do you how much how many times should you go to the doctor and check to see if you have underlying like it could drive you insane because you could have an underlying thing any day i was thinking about getting a brain scan because that's it's you

know it's expensive it's probably out of pocket but you can see like the blood flow to your brain and i follow this doctor that's like justin bieber's doctor on instagram he's always talking about blood flow to the brain is the biggest indicator cool doctor does he wear cool glasses no he's like he looks like um no like bieber's pastor is like this cool oh yeah yeah yeah no this guy is dr amen or something sounds pretty cool to me yeah he but he says that uh you know you can tell on a brain scan like if what's going on like a lot of what's going on it's all about blood flow to your brain to predict dementia and all these things and he says that pot smoking pot is like definitely bad for your brain health like there's just no

evidence to say that it's good for you that it's making you smarter that it's doing it and i you know obviously someone who smokes pot a lot i just like don't i hate i'm trying to smoke enough pot so i forget that i read those things but like the blood i would like to maybe see the imaging on a thing that shows me that the blood flow of my brain is not ideal and then it might make me take drastic measures to like improve it or do i want to keep living in denial i don't know and would that really if you saw the blood send me stuff to help because i made like an outreach uh help you stop no just said like i have a lot of guilt associated with smoking pot all the time even though it makes me um not want to kill myself or not have like depression and anxiety there's something about smoking weed that makes me feel instantly better and calm and everything's okay and everything will get done and you are a

a sweet person and everything's okay and you're just like trying to get by like it really calms me which is not the normal reaction for most people when you look at weed addiction like I you know I've talked about being in the reddit form leaves which is about quitting pot and everyone in there is like my anxiety went away when I stopped all this like weed caused my anxiety weed caused me to like isolate and stay in my room all day and not get things done and weed doesn't do that for me and so i'm really just like struggling with what to do next i mean i have to figure out something to do next because i can't smoke weed the rest of my life i just can't i don't want to be uh well could you limit it smokes could you limit it i i mean and and some part of me is like you know what fuck it i'll just be an aunt who

smokes joints here and there yeah like who cares that's who i am the problem is i have to have i have to be i have to accept it about myself and not feel shame and that's where i'm still i still feel shame because i want to be a singer it's impacting my singing because it's inhaling smoke yeah where does it negatively impact you is what you got my short term memory okay uh when i'm high um my lungs uh although i can still run like the fucking wind um my lung capacity i don't feel has changed at all in terms of like that but you know it makes my voice you can definitely hear when i'm smoking weed and when I'm not in my voice, like, uh, there's like a thing. So that's where I'm mostly insecure about it because anything that affects my career,

I start going, you have to quit this. It can affect every other thing in my life. Yeah. You're not a weed smoker where I see you smoke and you're like, yeah, like you're, you're more, if anything, I don't know. I mean, I mean, you see me before and after. What are your observations? Do you even notice?

Yeah, I notice. I notice a happier mood. I notice you being more easygoing, more cheerful. Yeah. So why wouldn't I smoke weed all the time? Well, hopefully, maybe you could get there without it i guess would be the idea how and then someone else wrote to me about just maybe just cbd so i'm gonna try some other things and see what happens but thank you so much to the listener um the bestie who sent in

all that that little care package that was so freaking nice and um i'll keep talking about it and figuring it out i don't know look i mean as long as you're aware of it right like i mean you could just be like either a fuck it i'm a fucking weed head or you could be like like no i don't have a problem i don't have an addiction you have an addiction like yeah but that's where i find the biggest problem with it is because i acceptance is one thing and admitting like yeah i smoke a lot of weed and i'm not proud of it, but not being proud of something that you do. It's like, like I just,

it, that causes me a lot of like shame, shame. Even if I'm being honest about it, admitting something that is bad that I'm doing, I just want to just be okay with it or I want to stop it. But you know, it's just,

it's, it's a process. I'll get there. Um, next story. A tick tock to responds to a plane passenger's foot on the armrest by pouring water on her bare feet. So I don't know if it's necessarily a woman, though, because the toes look hairy.

Okay. So it's a guy sitting there and he's doing like a selfie kind of shot. And there's someone sitting behind him. Oh, my God. That is so funny that is so gross oh gross that someone would put that we're gonna be flying a lot lately i put my foot up on the rest that is my classic move but i never put it that much into someone like the person would never see it it never enters into like past their yeah you can't go into their zone and i

always wear a sock or i put a blanket over my foot with i don't do a bear sock either even that's gross i'll put a blanket over my foot or um or a shoe i mean you crawl up in ways on an airplane that i don't even myself like the guy sneaking into oceans 11 i was thinking of the same guy before you even said it that's so weird i can i can tour myself into a tiny, tiny little... You probably could do that as like on stage, like get inside a little suitcase. I can get really, really tiny.

I'm so little. We should just pay one ticket. I'll put you in a little Samsonite. I really probably could get into one of those. There's this hilarious rumor that Taylor Swift, when she was living at Cornelius street, this famous apartment she lived in where people would just line up outside all hours of the day that for after a while she was just like,

fuck it. And they have all this footage of like these guys hauling these suitcases out and she's, they're like, she's in the suitcase. And it's like, Taylor definitely went out in a suitcase. And I love that.

I would definitely do that. I mean, what do you, what do you do if that's an unruly guy would you pour water on someone's foot like do you tell them i mean was this no i do the same thing because i wouldn't put so much water would escalate that guy definitely didn't handle that well you think really i think they just were like oh oh shoot and if it escalated good i know i'm so afraid you love an escalation i'm so afraid of an s especially in public like because i don't know where it's gonna go i'm i'm nervous that

it's gonna go so embarrassed for me so often well it's good you get so embarrassed i i know but i think there are things that i do sometimes in public and andrew will like talk about curling into a ball and trying to escape like and Andrew cannot take any kind of like confrontation. I hate confrontation. And you know me, you just listen to me talk about how much I respect waiters and people that are working, you know,

these, these jobs where maybe I have some conversation. It's never, I'm never rude. Yeah. Yeah. No, I,

I, I just, yeah, I don't like, if you see something that's not going well from like across the way i'm trying to think of an example but you'll go excuse me uh oh like the guy the other okay the perfect example we were at lunch me you and your mom the guy was listening to something on his phone uh too loud oh my god oh my god you were so embarrassed because of the

guy's presence like i was like i'm gonna have to fight the guy no you wouldn't but you're not gonna fight him well i would not allow a fight to happen i'd be like let's go like it wouldn't have gotten to that but the guy's energy was was what happened like okay so go into it oh so nikki was like excuse me sir no no we're sitting at this table it's me my mom and andrew next to us there's a guy listening to his phone and it's loud it's like he's watching tiktok or some video and it's like loud and it's right next to our table and i just go excuse me like very excuse me he and he he obviously can hear me because i'm louder than the sound he's listening to on his phone without

headphones and he's just ignoring me completely ignoring me and i go excuse me can you turn that down please totally ignored like honestly like just acting like i don't exist and it's so awkward and i go i think i started to go i go oh okay you can't hear me okay thanks so much yeah it's not rude at all what you're doing thank you sir like i just like kept it going and not like i i just go oh i didn't know you were an ass i go my mom goes nick he's not he didn't hear you and i go yes he can hear me mom he's just choosing to be an asshole i just said it like loud enough because the guy was i mean it was to be someone in public who listens to their phone you i literally if you were someone in public that listens to your phone without headphones stop listening to this no no stop listening to this podcast i don't want i don't want anything

to do with you i think you are scum you are you don't care about anyone else but yourself it is the mark of a true sociopathic narcissist i think that is one if i'm serious if we could just uh put in prison every single person who does this, the world would be cleaned up of murderers, of rapists. I'm not kidding you. Abusive parents. That is a tacit and harmless indicator of sociopathic tendencies. If they're a certain age.

Because there will be like a... Oh, yeah. Teenager. I would say 21 and above 18 and above 16 and above I'm not even going to give a 16 year old No I

25 is when your brain Like really stops developing Okay 25 and above And if you're not drunk I'm taking intoxication out of this This guy was sober as shit too He was like very steady

But can I say For this guy's argument Put him in prison Can I argue for this guy We had Marion and Luigi there. And every time the waiter would come, they would try to bark and bite the waiter. So that guy is like,

fuck you because you're, I could see him being like, fuck you. You brought your dogs. Yes. So the same thing, I think that guy was thinking the same thing about us. I will say two things.

Okay. The first time the dogs barked, I said, I'm going to run them upstairs. I told both waitresses the dogs barked, I said, I'm going to run them upstairs. I told both waitresses that they were barking. I go, I'm going to run these dogs upstairs because my apartment was a block away. And they go, no, no, no, it's fine. And I go, I want to run them up.

No, no, no, it's fine. So they let us sit. Every time the dogs barked, I apologized profusely. I did something to try to change the situation and calm them. I, I, you have a point because i do hate people that think their dogs are just allowed anywhere i i can i can um sometimes resemble one of those people by my actions of bringing my dogs in places and sometimes they do misbehave and i'm

mortified and i hate that i'm one of those people but but I take care of it right away. I don't. And sometimes my phone starts playing loudly in public and I don't even realize it until a second later. And then when I do, I am fucking mortified and I apologize and I like cower and I get into a little Ocean's 11 box because I'm so embarrassed. That's the difference. Let's get to our sports moment of the week. You can control your phone. You can't control your, you can control your phone easier than you can control a dog.

Yeah. That's a good point. I wish Marion had a volume on her. Or dogs had little volumes where you could just put silent and then they vibrate. And you put little headphones in so you could only hear them whimper. Oh my God, that's cute. Or when they attack someone, you could hear it. Okay, sports moment.

Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Oh, someone re-recorded. Sounds happy this week. Okay, I showed you this. A Diamondbacks dad is able to catch a foul ball with the same hand he's holding his baby, and he manages to save his drink, too. This guy is not a diamondbacks dad a diamond backed fan is that a fan of the diamondbacks yes okay so a diamond backed arizona diamond fan yes who's a

dad is carrying a baby in one hand and he catches a fly a foul ball what is this kind of foul ball foul ball with the same hand he is holding the baby key and is handing a holding a beer with the other hand if you haven't seen this it's incredible he like i feel like all every player should have a baby in their hands put it in the shortstop i mean this is it's so fun how does he throw how does gravity work here though because? Because he throws his baby. He must have thrown his baby up a little bit. The baby's dropping, and he scoops it lower. So he sees the ball coming. He drops the baby just in time.

The baby has no support for about 0.08 seconds. And then he grabs the ball. Oh, my God. Scoops up the baby. It barely spills the drink. Like, spills the drink like spills the drink like like i mean this he is has he been interviewed has he been uh found and have we done a um you know like a deep dive we should do a deep dive into this guy podcast series on the last dance for

this guy yeah yes i mean one a lot of people were upset. A lot of people would go, drop your beer, catch it with your right hand. Obviously, the guy is probably a righty, so he catches it with his left hand,

which his baby is in. Do you let the foul ball go? Did he save the person maybe behind him? The baby would have been fine. The beer, it would have been ruined. The baby would have been fine

if the baby was not scooped up. It was a small fall. The baby would have landed on one of the – like, it would have been fine. Wait, you're saying the baby would be fine? Yeah, the baby would be fine. And you're worried about the beer? I'm not worried about the beer, but if you had to make a choice, he knew he could do it. And sometimes you take a risk.

The risk is the baby falls three feet to the ground, and it will be fine. If that baby fell and he caught that ball, that guy would be treated like the devil. Like he wouldn't be able to go out at night. He would get, what's it called, doxxed? Right, right. I'm serious. If that baby fell and had a little blood on her forehead. Oh my God, you're so right.

Well, I mean, that's the risk he took and it paid off. It's crazy. But I think that guy's a hero and I love that clip. Yeah, if you read the comments, people are like, how could you do that to your baby? Those people all beat their children and they, honestly,

anyone who is mad about that, you've hurt your child before, you've done something similar and you hate yourself for it and you're projecting. And you couldn't catch that ball, you loser. Anyone who comments on these things

and then goes, I would never, how could she hold her there's a picture of emily radijowski holding her baby that everyone's like attacking because her baby's like neck isn't supported it's kind of like you know and it's so stupid because she posted this picture she's not a bad mom because the baby's head was a little bit tilted the side and like wasn't supported for one second for a picture go fuck yourself the people that are mad about that i i bet you anything they are the worst parents and they hate themselves for it and they'll never admit it

yeah it's like when michael jackson held that baby off the off the railing i was like oh big deal so the baby drops 10 stories i mean that was wild that was so weird that we let that that was blanket right blankets walking around right now yeah like a person there's someone that goes to starbuck and goes uh what's your name blanket and do you think people go oh my god are you the blood like yes are you the only blanket blanket is such a weird name i think that's the worst baby name i've ever what did emily pick for her baby's name? Emily Rajalsky. Yeah, do we know? I don't remember. Something cool. Yeah, it's definitely something.

Yeah, it's something like, yeah, it's something like that. Jaggeratacals. Alright, let's get to Fanthrax. This is where we read through your fan mail. Well, or like just, you know, listener mail. This could be just voice memos, things you write into the show let's uh

let's see what we got today noah okay this is from a bestie uh sarah yes sarah i didn't know if we were gonna do anonymous but that's a later one she says vulnerable dm but i feel we're besties love it okay you've talked about on previous pod episodes about anal sex in an honest and realistic way that is so on point what it's really like versus how it's depicted in porn. It would be awesome if you could take a segment to go into detail about your advice on how to make it work and the reality of the situation. My boyfriend mentioned wanting to try anal and I'm down to be, I'm down to do it, but I would love first to hear what's really going down. I'm the real bestie, but he's basically a bestie too with how much he listens with me and i know he loves it because if he's too if it's too quiet he asked me to turn it up that's so sweet okay um what do you want to

know let's talk about it um i don't know that i can tell you much more than like a good google search will do but here's what i'm going to tell to your boyfriend it there's no way to be sure that something weird isn't going to happen something unsavory will happen it can always happen it doesn't a lot of times there are ways to prep for that um make sure that the person is relaxed and you use way more lube than you think you need um and go very slow be very encouraging be very um and and uh use a vibrator on the other parts to like make everything as relaxed as possible i would say get don't try anal like right away i would say after you've like maybe after uh she's already about to like you know she's already uh loosened like really horned up you know like this isn't something that you just like stick it in right away and

yeah and also just like be totally on board with shit being everywhere if that because that could happen so just be on board that you're gonna make it if that happens it's it's most likely not going to happen but it could plastic down like a like a woman on a nice couch get a get a towel that has a dark color to it and do it in the dark and oh you know what i used i i um i had a i make made a hole like so like when i do it and there's a towel down that's like a darker colored towel you're like dexter before you kill someone i know i have a i have a whole mood set i have my lava lamp on that just gives us just enough light and i put one of those tushy wipes that we got the disposable tushy wipes what are they called fair uh fair weather yeah something tail weather tail feathers shit we got tail

feather they sent us a bunch of free ones we gotta we gotta there's a disposable tushy wipe that they send us and i grabbed one of those and i pre-opened it so that it's like was right next to the bed in the little can like it's it's like sticking out of the top like like oh ready to go yeah so you already have a cigarette lit yeah yes so i said this i go there's a after we were done i go there's a there's a wipe there for your for you and for any like i just want everything to be clean like everything to be a certificate on the wall it sounds like you made this really professional and um so you put down a towel that isn't gonna

have like stuff on it where you're not gonna see it as much if it if there is something there you get a wipe so that when you're done there can be like uh just a quick cursory wipe of his toy or his penis. Can I ask a question? When you wipe your butt, do you go deeper with the wipe beforehand? Can you try to go as deep as possible with your own finger? Well, let's say the other night I was like, I had really.

Let's say, hypothetically. No, let's not. Let's say, I mean, the other night, I knew that I was going gonna have a partner over to do some stuff with partner and i thought maybe that kind of thing would happen even though we didn't discuss it even though it's like literally all we do and i was like okay i had a really good bm before where it was like cleaned out you know like one where you're like okay that oh bowel movement yeah i had a really good one hours before and i was like i feel good and then when i took a

shower right before and i made sure to like stick my finger up there and like put try to like try to like but it's hard to get your finger up your ass when you don't have lube and water is not very lubricating so i um yeah i stuck it up there and just see if there was anything or if i could feel anything or whatever and i was like oh it seems good And then I was good. But but I am going to get like douches from Love Honey, which is our new sponsor. They have like anal douches like squeegees things. So go to love honey dot com and they have a whole anal prep kit. Go buy that. And then you douche with saline water. And if you douche over and over and it runs clean, you have nothing to worry about and that's truly the the greatest part about it is is when you have nothing to worry about and you can really just lean into how good and and weird and like dirty and wrong and but great

do you recommend um doggy style or do you the the song yeah just like any muse song where you're yelling it's just like very good anal music. Because the guy's already yelling and it covers your yells? It's just like supersonic black hole. I think that would make me hit it too hard. Wait, but do you recommend anal or do you recommend missionary anal? Like for the first time? I recommend laying on your back.

Laying on your back? Yeah. Okay. I recommend laying on your back. Laying on your back. Yeah. Okay. I recommend that. And I also recommend just going really, really slow. Guys, a lot of times I think see in porn, like just pounding. Do not do that. Definitely don't do that.

There's many chambers to your ass. So the first one you'll get through. Uh-oh. There's a duck. Well, your asshole is like, I'm sorry to get so detailed, but like your asshole is like tight. And then it's going to open up like after that,

right? Like it's not going to be continually tight. Like a vagina is like a vagina is consistently the same kind of almost the whole way through. Your asshole has like a ring. Then there's an opening. Then there's another ring. Then there's an opening.

It's almost like a clown's balloon that they're about to make like a thing with so each chamber you have to like get through slowly so just because you get past that first tight yes does not mean you're not going to hit another tighter thing to get through so it's just it's that's why it's just very very slow and then and then see how that feels and then you can work up to getting just pounded. Interesting. Next listener. All right. You want me to do it?

Yeah, read it. Okay. I am 47, and I have a decent body that I've worked on loving and finally got there. My husband thinks I'm too old, and it's inappropriate to wear a bikini that shows too much of my ass. I wish he'd be proud of me me but instead he wants to make sure i'm covered in public just would like your opinion if you have a second thanks nikki okay yeah this this person wrote in yesterday and wants to remain anonymous do you want to take this one because i've got i mean obviously it makes me very angry that the husband's not comfortable with her and

she works really hard she fucking can do whatever the hell she wants what do you think this is about then andrew he's uh it's it's you're my wife you're my woman i don't he's insecure he doesn't want other guys uh you know checking her out yeah here we go it's not because you look bad in the suit or because it's too much or because you look slutty or because it makes you look stupid or you don't look cool and you don't look hot it's because you look good and he is threatened because he doesn't look as good and he knows you look good and he doesn't want other people admiring how good you look he doesn't want you to feel too good because i'm sure he's a very nice guy if you start feeling too good about yourself you you won't stay with someone who, who's like him. Yeah.

Cause he doesn't like him. So I'm sorry to tell this to you. Your husband's insecure and he needs to keep you insecure to keep you because someone who, who doesn't like themselves has to make sure the person that they're with also does not feel like they deserve better because if they do, then they'll leave you. So what he's doing here is trying to keep you.

He's terrified. He's going to lose you because he sees you improving himself. He's doing nothing probably to improve himself and he's scared. He's going to lose you. This is a classic behavior of just not he's going, but he'll, he'll change it. Let me tell you,

girl, this guy, what do you do? So then how do you approach it? Say I like it. It makes me feel good girl. This guy will- So what do you do? So then how do you approach it? Do you just- Keep wearing it. Say, I like it. It makes me feel good. I'm not doing it to,

it has nothing to do with you. I don't care about your opinion on it. Honestly. I think I look great. And if you don't, then- And what if he goes, well, then I'm not going to the pool with you. I'm not going to hang out.

Okay, see you later. All right. I won't see you at the pool. And he will get so fucking mad. But I- Because now you're in the thong without him there well maybe honey you need to go work on yourself so you feel as confident about your body as i do because your issues with my body have nothing to do with me nothing and i don't really want to hear

about it and what if he goes well it's not about my body it's more about like i just think decency wise you know that's you know i don't there's like kids around and people are gonna judge you and your ass like you're they're so you like like he might start he might go from being like you look slutty which is telling you you look good by the way when he's like that's indecent he's saying you look good yeah like that you look tantalizing and if it's not if he's using the it's not appropriate around kids and families that means you look hot right but then when that doesn't work he will then shift to you look fat he'll start shifting to you look bad because saying you look good is not working you're seeing you look too sexy isn't working so he's gonna switch i guarantee this will happen he will switch to you look bad you look ridiculous you look stupid and it's all because he's so scared of losing you because if he the the thing is if

he actually thought that you looked bad in that and was like wow my wife has confidence even though she like he wouldn't say it that way and he wouldn't present it this way this is totally a man who's threatened and it's it's just textbook behavior of an insecure man and um the fact that he goes i'm too you're too old to be doing that fuck you dude you could be a hundred this guy's so jealous of your confidence and he's really threatened by it and i can tell that you just got it and you're just you're just now beginning to love yourself and like accept the body that you're in and embrace your aging and it's terrifying to men who have men and women do this too they benefit from when

someone has low self-esteem and when you start to change and have high self-esteem it's not going to work for them you're going to have these run-ins where they are not when you change and your partner doesn't it's it it doesn't mean that you should stop changing and go back keep changing and maybe you'll outgrow him or maybe he'll see that he needs to start changing too. But you're doing everything right. Keep wearing that swimsuit. I can't wait to see you. I love it.

All right, let's check out some speak pipes. Hey, Nikki, Noah, and Andrew. I'm a huge fan. I've been listening to Nikki since you had to be there. And I've been listening to Puddles since to be there and listening to puddles since the first episode. Congrats on episode 100. By the way, I have a story about something that I witnessed and it was so good that I almost shriveled up into a ball and died. I was driving my car through a neighborhood with a lot of bars and cafes and there's a stop sign on every corner to limit the speed of how fast traffic can drive

through this area and all of a sudden this huge group of guys on like motocross bikes drive by blow through all the stop signs revving their engines as loud as possible and driving on their back wheel just blowing past these people Just having a nice afternoon In the cafes Showing off And it was so kuh That I really just couldn't stand it So hopefully that passes the test

I love the podcast Keep up the great work And don't be kuh Yeah, don't be kuh I mean, I hope you screamed kuh at them Because it is amazing how much Kuh really does get your anger and like make, and the person might not even know what Kuh means

and they probably couldn't hear it over their engines. And you know, the, I'm guessing they were blaring. What my dream would be is he goes Kuh and he looks across the restaurant and someone else is going Kuh. Oh my God. And they have a moment where they both. Did you just say Kuh? Yeah, it was like fight club. Are you a bestie? of like a tiesto or something and he looks across the restaurant and someone else is going oh my god and they have a moment where they go did you just say yeah it's like fight club are you and then you just look at each other and they go they wink or something some kind of remember when

the engines were revving and i almost said something those guys and you hurled into a ball of embarrassment you were so mad i was just breathing in these you were saying no you said something you did say something yeah i know i go can you guys go can you like go because you're you're just burning diesel and we're breathing it in it was bothering i get that and look i love it again we couldn't leave they have motor scooters but you're yelling at seven guys on motorcycles to get out of there and i know i didn't say get out of there I go can you guys go because it's like really hard to breathe this in that's all I said like it was very nice look

I get it you're right you're keeping your engine going for fucking three minutes because you want the attention it's just like god you could do that wheelie anywhere else just go yell at your wife about being in a bikini she doesn't belong in that's an easier way to deal with your anger than blowing through a stop sign and doing wheelies i'm just kidding these are all the same kind of behaviors that they're all just men being like i don't think

i'm enough and it's like you're not so go read a book i guess the only thing with the wheelie like you do a wheelie by yourself right you don't get that feeling that's gotta be a cool feeling it is a cool feeling but if it's just for you it's not that cool but if you do it in front of people there's a stop sign if you do but you know what i mean like if you do fall there's more at risk so it feels more of like like you know yeah so i get that i get why you would do it in front of people i just wish they were wearing helmets and they wouldn't break the laws to do them. But I do enjoy a wheelie. My stepbrother did a wheelie one

time for me and my buddy Rusty. And he's like, check this out. And he went out, no helmet. Just wearing Jake the Snake. So brave. And he was just wearing Jake the Snake wouldn't give a fuck what kind of swimsuit you wore as an older woman. Not at all. He would love it. He's confident.

He's so confident. He wouldn't give a fuck. He'd probably let you fuck other guys. For all love it he's confident he's so confident he didn't wouldn't give a fuck he probably let you fuck other guys for sure oh my god he's so open i think i belong with him i i'll set it up tomorrow all right go on so jake the snake does a wheelie and he's only wearing tomorrow you'll set it up you're like today he's busy yeah today he's working on air conditioners yeah but he does a wheelie and he falls and he scrapes his ass like when you're doing a wheelie for your buddies like two buddies like you're gonna fall but you're not gonna like so you gotta like play it cool oh yeah but his ass is like on the sidewalk his ass yeah he left his ass on the side he's like yeah

final thought i hit a guy with my car pulling out of a gas station one time like i was just you know pulling out but i was getting ready to go onto a road that's like 30 miles per hour so it was like a deliberate pull out of a gas station hit this guy like you that that fell yeah dude i rolled over i ruined his bike and he was so embarrassed that he fell off the bike and was limping away that he didn't want to stay and exchange information so that maybe i could be accountable for it i go do you want my numb like and he just limped away because he was so embarrassed that he was like a hot guy that fell like falling is so humiliating yes i mean when i got hit by a car

and i landed in the street and my skirt popped over my head and i was wearing a i was more embarrassed about my ass being exposed than i was of getting hit by a car and I landed in the street and my skirt popped over my head and I was wearing a, I was more embarrassed about my ass being exposed than I was of getting hit by a car. Cause your boyfriend was yelling at you about it. He's like, how dare you show your ass when you fall. You're such a slut. You want everyone to want to fuck you right in 10, the middle of the 10th Avenue. I'm bleeding out of my face.

I don't care. You're fucking. I mean, that really is what some disgusting men thing. God, I mean, I, it makes me so mad when women are a slut shamed by their husbands that are just

scared of losing them. It's just so obvious. I want to just cut out all the time. The only thing I feel- Wait, cutting it out is funny. Cut it out. It's calling out curs. Cut it out.

I'm going to cur you out right now. You're being cur. Call them out. Yeah. Cur them out. Yeah. Call them out. The only thing that I feel when I, if I'm with a girlfriend though, and she's wearing a thong, the only,

it's not about her. It's about other men either gawking over her. And then like, if I'm like not paying attention, then they're hitting on her real quick. And then I got to, it's, it's dealing.

But what is the problem there? Cause you're dealing with having to have a confrontation with other men that are horny, that see an ass. They'll maybe take a video of it. Yeah. It could start like a whole thing just because she's showing her ass. That's the one thing. Or just because men can't control their horniness.

That's what's starting it. Yeah, of course. I'm not blaming her. I'm saying, though, that that confrontation, that feeling you get around horny men is annoying for a man

to feel because then you gotta be like a lion. That's why you didn't want me to approach that guy that was on his phone because I was wearing a thong when I did it.

Yeah, well, on your head. Yeah. And it would've just been just... No, I get it. Like, I understand that when your girlfriend looks hot, it's like other guys are gonna, like, yeah well on your head yeah and it would have just been just no i get it like i i understand that when your girlfriend looks hot it's like other guys are gonna like maybe hit on her and that's gonna be a thing but it's also like yeah i blame the guy i don't blame her i'm just saying though it is it's not a it's it's gonna it will happen if you're at a pool and there's a lot of

people there and you know you're going you're talking about pool and there's a lot of people there and you know, you're going, you're talking to nobody. Next thing you know, you turn around, there's like four guys being like, Oh man, I want a guy that is so horned up by the fact that other guys are checking me out. Like I want a guy to be like,

those guys are all wanting to fuck you so bad. And I'll be like, I know. And they can't, you get to, I want a guy to be like, so turned on by that. And even if these guys come up and hit on me, like I want a guy to be like, I on by that and even if these guys come up and hit on me like i want a guy to be like i can't believe they all want to fuck you like i i was at the pool

yesterday or a couple days ago brenna was in a thong and she was laying out in the sun and i was in the shade and there was a guy laying out next to her and i could feel kind of him like you know hitting you know trying to like get her attention and he didn't know i was with her because i was on the other side and it felt great to then like i finally went over i sat next to her and i gave her a nice kiss and i was like it felt it did horn me up a little bit to know that like oh she won't want to fuck this guy yes and even if she does whatever they do you yeah i realized like i i definitely like when i have a boyfriend who everyone wants to fuck and like i i'm i'm dating a guy who all the girls like i like the opposite of that where a guy like whatever version of it like a thong bikini is for a guy like i like guys to look so sexually

attractive that every girl in there wants my guy it would be but at the same time i also like to be that girl too so like sometimes it's a lot of times i think that's it's called hot wife or hot husband and i'm both like i want i want my boyfriend to be a hot husband and like other girls don't want to fuck him and like he can even do stuff with other girls i don't care but i also want i want other men to i want my partner to be turned on by other guys being turned on by me i know it's a it's not in a jealous way i want to talk to my boyfriend about it and be like can you believe that guy over there like thinks he can fuck me and he has no idea that there's no like i like that without them being

like i'll fight him yeah no no i want it to be fun it's hard dude it's hard as a guy i know whatever you guys are so threatened. We're so threatened. Because of biology. I mean, I just listened to this really fascinating podcast about our mating patterns and why we do what we do. And basically, it's like, what it comes down to is that women, when we're pregnant, we know the baby is ours. There's no way.

I mean, now there's ways with science to like put your egg in someone else's so it can be your baby. But women always know that we're the mother yes men never you can never be sure well a dna test but yes right but like that's technology but based on our like uh you know instincts from back in the day you wouldn't know if that was you wouldn't know that's why you guys are fucking crazy and that's all and you also know that all you your only goal is to come as much as possible and as many women as possible everything in your biology makes you want to do that and women we have no there's no the reason except for the price of college oh my god it's

so fascinating no you have to listen to this podcast you're gonna love this podcast because it talks all about like why women cheat in marriages and they think there's a there's a evolutionary um reason for it and it's not like and they think there's a there's a evolutionary um reason for it and it's not like what anyone thinks it's really it's really fascinating is the latest making sense podcast with sam harris it's about the mating rituals of humans and it's fucking fascinating and really uh but it all comes down to men not being sure that they'll be the fathers that's why they're so territorial and women were just more sure of it and we just know but men never know or like you know now now we can know because of maury povich but you know cavemen didn't have maury back in the day we gotta go thank you so

much for listening to the show with this week um we'll be back next week you know it we're going on the road this weekend we'll report about that going on tour very very soon to so many cities nickiglazer.com slash tour for tickets please support all of our sponsors we hand select them for you guys and i hope you enjoy it please listen to my ad reads because i have a lot of fun with them and i try to make them funny for you guys and um yeah just keep writing into the show keep saying nice things about us on on your instagram stories like i read them all i'm so touched that you're spreading the word about the show and that it means something to you and um, and thanks for dealing with

my moods this week. I'll try to keep being honest and I appreciate you guys understanding when I'm not in the best mood and that includes you and Noah, Andrew. Thank you so much. Thank you. Love you besties. Love you guys so much. And yeah, tell three friends

this weekend about us. That's a good idea. Bring them in. Tell three. That's a good idea bring them in all right that's a good idea rate and review and rate and review on itunes that that that really moves the needle or whatever pod kind of catcher you have um thanks so much i know that's a lot to ask um and we really appreciate every little thing that goes into it it's like this is i really look at this as a lifelong thing for me it's the best job on earth and it's my most important job and i and i really i love you guys thank you for listening and please don't die this weekend we need you one of you can't just for this story just one don't be

jackpot. Yeah, right. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere

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If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts

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