The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #65 Did Jason Call Yet?

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

Between you and Nikki her first theater show was full of swells and stories. While Nikki is energized, Andrew admits he was a "zombo" after a long weekend. Nikki faces a conundrum over her hotel balcony. You Heard it Here First! Don't be a ledge head, tell your parents to stop double clicking and sometimes gifts for kids are what adults want. In Top1 Bottom1, they share stories about injuries and in the Final Thought Nikki and Andrew talk about another "Old Renegade" moment from the weekend. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Yes. Oh, my best friend's voices back to back. Anya Marina with our theme song, Noah, with Here's Nikki, which sounds the same every time you say it. I would get so nervous if I had to go. Sometimes when I have to do voiceover for

certain things, the first time I did it is always the worst. I have to go. I'm doing Dave Matthews band radio voiceover later. Let me look at it real quick. So if you don't know, listener, hello, by the way, welcome to this week of shows on the Nikki Glaser podcast. So glad to have you listening. I'm the voice of Dave Matthews Band Radio on Sirius XM channel 30, if you are interested. And so, oh, this is one where, so I have to give this to them later. I'm getting paid like $1 for this. I don't even know why I do it to it's a it's a labor of love and hopefully someday i can say to dave like hey i i did you know i this is just because i love dave so much so i have to do my voice on dave matthews band radio is like it's it's supposed to be like a

little like salt like more radio so it's like i have to say like when dave matthew when the dave matthews band returns to the stage for the first time this summer you'll hear it live and see the first time i did that not good it like it's fine but if i had to say here's nicky i would have to like practice it so much do you practice it do you warm up do you do vocal exercises before you hear snicky because sometimes i'd be like like it might sound like two more yeah i mean do you get nervous every time you do it i i do get a little bit of butterflies and because okay that's okay i don't want to sound like uh uh you know from from the shining jack nicholas here's uh what does he say johnny here's johnny oh my god that's so well oh i i almost said that's what that's what ed mcmahon

said about johnny carson and then i now realize that's what they were referencing in the movie so it's not that uh i was like wow what a coincidence um no that's like the point of it never seen that movie but uh do know all the references i think um well you do it great every single time it always sounds the same wait let me try to do the best impression of you he wait there's too much husk he i have to be up here's nicky wait that wasn't good um so this weekend speaking of voice stuff I was um I was in uh uh Waterloo New York flew into Syracuse drove um east another hour and then landed at the Del Lago which Andrew backstage joked that it was Del Taco. And I go, you should say that. And he goes, I go, I'm so jealous that you thought of that because that's a funny opener. And he goes, no, you can have it. And that's a good opener. That is the best. A great opener

is talking about how Del Lago sounds like Del Taco. And the best opener is a guy that opens for you who will give you that stupid joke. I, I mean, dumb, but funny because I said, I love this Del Taco themed casino. I already have gotten diarrhea twice, so it's really fitting. I go, the slots aren't the only things that are loose here. So I made a loose stool joke right out of the gate. I don't even know if it was out of the gate, right out of the gate. I, let me just say, you guys know how nervous I was about the show at Del Lago last week. Um, I even told them on stage, that's my new thing. Just be honest. And I apologized probably 30 times during my set for, um, not being as sharp as I usually am explaining to them, you know how you guys are when you got back to the office after COVID, that's going to be kind of what I am.

Like, I don't even remember how to clock in here or how to wear pants. I wasn't wearing pants either. That was another thing. I was wearing a blazer as a dress because I just, for this tour, I realized I don't have to dress. I'm doing theater tours. I need, I can wear whatever I want. I want to dress like a pop star. Um, for this tour, I realized I don't have to dress. I'm doing theater tours.

I can wear whatever I want. I want to dress like a pop star. And so I had an outfit change. Because prior to the show, 30 minutes before, 40 minutes, let's say, before we had to be downstairs to go over our dance. Because we decided to do the dance again that we closed last special with or last uh tour with the bang it out tour which is my 2020 tour that got canceled about 11 shows in we would always close with a dance uh for literally no reason like there's no like there wasn't any like and you know what and like my closer wasn't like so that's why everyone should

just dance hit it it would literally be me being like so that's why everyone should just dance. Hit it. It would literally be me being like, so that's why I ate ass. Okay. Now Anya and Andrew are going to come back to dance with Taylor Swift. There's no rhyme or reason. It's totally non sequitur, but it's still fun. And the audience is confused. Some of them are like getting up to leave because I've been talking for 120 minutes or no, I actually was an hour and 20 minutes that i did on saturday which exceeds

the hour that i thought i wasn't able to do but 20 minutes the last 20 minutes of that was me scrambling to come up with a good enough closer to get off with because if you're not a comedian out there part of being a comic is closing strong because the audience psychology suggests, not suggests, like has proven that when people remember things, Noah, you probably remember this just from reading so many books that you read that people remember the first thing, the last thing, but they don't really remember anything in between. And people definitely don't remember the things that are funniest. They remember the things that make them most uncomfortable. So when you leave a comedy show, and this isn't just you, bestie, this is me too, or a TV show or any kind of show, you might remember the first

thing. Oh, how they came out. You might remember how they close. You will not. Oftentimes people come up to me. This isn't often. This is every time. This goes from my parents to my best friends to my biggest fans. They go, oh my God, I laugh so much. I can't remember any of the things I laughed at. My favorite parts. And my ex-boyfriend who used to come to my shows and take notes for me to tell me when we were gearing up for my special, he would come and watch me to be like, okay, you need to work on this.

Anyone who's ever done that for me, I go, you have to write it down because you will not remember what you liked. You will not remember the, but you will remember the parts that need help because as a species, I think it's based, the evolutionary psychology of it

is that when we were living in the wilderness, we needed to remember berries that made us barf and have diarrhea. Like we were staying at the Del Lago Del Taco Casino. We needed to remember that stuff. So, oh, I don't eat those berries again. So I survive. Whereas things that make you laugh and feel good, there's not a need to really remember them and store them in your brain because you'll be naturally drawn to those things anyway. So it's not so much a memory.

It's just like your brain is just like, okay, we don't need to. It's just not as important. So that's why when you go to a comedy show, you can't for the life of you remember the parts where you were falling off your chair laughing because your brain goes, just relax. You don't need to store this away. We're not going to take energy away from this. You know, we have so much energy to survive. We need to spend brain power on things that will keep us alive from harm. So that's why you remember, oh my God, that sucked. I should explain this during my show because it is interesting and it might force people to try to remember the good

times. Because I think when you are, when something's brought to your attention that makes you uncomfortable, or like when something like this is brought to your attention, you can almost hack it. You go, okay, well, I don't want that to happen. So I am gonna, I'm gonna write it down. You could even write the word in your phone

just so you remember it to tell your friends the next day. But truly, if you go to my show, I won't have a problem with you writing things down because you won't remember it otherwise. But I so at the end of the show, Noah, I'm like, I've already burned the closer I was going to close with, like my new favorite joke that just always works. I like accidentally got into it too soon, as I'm saying. And I'm like, God damn it, Nikki, you're ruining the thing that you saved for the end so that they, you know, you got a high note.

And then they were they were so nice though this there's 2400 people i'm not used to i got a little bit more famous over covid a lot more i would say and which means you know more people are coming to see me so the shows and plus people are just so excited about entertainment again that i am i am living the best time of my career like if it doesn't get better than this I will be totally okay with it because I was so just blessed on Saturday night to see a room a sold-out room and granted I'm sure some of the a lot of these people were just like I'll go see anything because this is the first show that this place had put on in a while. The casino was thrilled. They're like, this is the first live event we've had since COVID.

Also, Anya noted that it was 16 months to the date almost since we had performed together with this tour. And that's a long time to not do a theater because theaters are different beasts. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I was very, very touched by how many besties were there. I said right out of the gate, I brought up Andrew. I'll get to it in a second, but I was out on stage before I did my set because I, um, I came out for a special guest appearance with Anya's set. Anya opens the show. She does three songs songs the third song is the man by Taylor Swift and she was in my uh but wait I just want to say finish that thought I did say at one point I go your next performer is my co-host on my uh daily podcast called the Nikki Lazer podcast do we have besties

in the house and there were probably like a couple hundred out of two, you know, 2,500 people or, you know, 2,400, which was usually when you do that and you go, who's here to see me from this? It's usually like the smattering is a chance for me to go, okay, well, thanks. But no, you know, it's a, it's a chance for you to make a joke and get a huge laugh of like, wow, 20 people. I couldn't even make that joke because it was so many. I'm so grateful. How many besties were there? How many of you I got to meet in the meet and greet afterwards? Shout out to Tori. Shout out to Angela. Shout out to a couple other girls that I, one girl who looked like me.

I think that was Tori. There was another Tori too in a yellow dress. Hello, Tori. Angela was lovely. So many besties I got to meet. Um, and just like girls that I have to say most of the time, it was girls, um, who just walked up and I instantly knew that they have a love for me that I have for them or that I have for my best friend. You know, like it was mutual.

Let me just tell you, it was all mutual. And if you listen to this podcast regularly, I love you so much. And I thank you for being my friend and listening to me and, um, and taking everything I say with a grain of salt and not, uh, and also just trusting me. I love it. So it was so cool to meet you guys. So long story short, Anya comes to my room 40 minutes before we go down to work on our dance that we haven't done in 16 months. Anya's in my room. I'm putting together an outfit to wear and she's practicing and she's like, what song should I do? Because she can just do she's like me. She can just pull out of a hat and do whatever. She doesn't need to really warm up that much. And it was like she starts playing the man and I go, we should do it at some point. And I picked up my guitar and I was like, this is how I would do it. Cause I was doing kind of like, I do the version that Taylor Swift does on her tiny desk concert. And it's more like,

like it's like that. And Anya's is more, if you, you got to download the cover of the man on your Marina on Spotify. It's like, I would be complex. I would be cool. It's like very smooth. Whereas Taylor's version is like, I would be complex. I would be complex I would be cool it's like very smooth whereas Taylor's version is like

I would be complex I would be cool so Anya's is like a sultry sexy version and I was playing it and she was like it'd be cool if maybe you sang with me because Matt her boyfriend who is my tour manager co-tour manager he had suggested I come out and sing with her but we didn't know how that would work with me coming out before my set. And I go, no, that'd be so fun. So there's this part that Anya in her version usually skips of the song, The Man. It's like, it's the bridge.

It's like, flashing my dollars, I'd be a bitch, not a bother. And I was singing along with her as she was warming up on the song and I was doing my makeup. And then I did the bridge, forgetting that she skips it and she was like actually that sounds good what if you came out during that part so it's so fun so Anya does the whole song there's no like the audience doesn't even know I'm gonna come out and she's like doing her third song and they're like so vibing on it it's just such a mellow like great song and she sets it up like

Nikki's obsessed with Taylor Swift she got me in this song against my will I loved it so much I covered it here it is and then she goes uh I forget what the start she says something like what if I was something like that and then I just walk on stage with the mic I'm like flashing my dollars and then the audience like like just lit up it was so fun and i had a big old electric guitar a less paul gibson around my neck because oh i don't know i'm did it oh noah noah no i can't believe noah what you're about to tell people i don't know i mean i i put it on my instagram but so i show up so anya and i work out this whole thing. We go, we all walk as a group. Me,

my assistant, Jen, who is like amazing. And I love her so much. Shout out to Jen. I love her too. You guys will get to know her. Yes.

Yes. Isn't she best? I have the best team. Matt, uh, Anya's boyfriend, Matt Pond, PA,

who is also a musician. Who's one of my favorite songs of all time is called still summer by Matt Pond, PA. He, he's honestly, he's has a huge following and is a fucking genius musician. Just as good as like Anya and him are like a power couple of music. But Matt Pond is my tour manager. Cause he's been touring forever as a musician and is killing it. So he, um, and,

and knows just exactly how to do these kinds of rooms. So he and Jen are my co tour managers, Anya, Andrew, we're all on the way there. We get in the green room. I'm just kind of like eating things and walking around and kind of looking at my set. And all of a sudden Andrew walks in with the casino owner, like not owners, but the guys that are like the talent management, like the upper management, three guys in suits. One of which is named Jason. Shout out to Jason. I love you so much, Jason. I have other things to say about Jason too. It'll be so funny. So Jason walks in and he is carrying a guitar, which I already brought my guitar just to play backstage. I wasn't going to play it on. He's carrying a guitar case and Andrew is in front

of him with a golf club with a bow on it. And I go, oh my God god like Andrew got a golf club from and he goes you're not gonna believe and I go no no they give they set down this this guitar case and they're like we are just so excited to have you you're our first act back after COVID so this if you go to Del Lago to perform any people you might not get a guitar I almost didn't want to talk about it because I don't want this place to always have to give people things like this because I realize this is or to give me gifts like that like I don't I mean if you want to give me a guitar. I almost didn't want to talk about it because I don't want this place to always have to give people things like this because I realized this is or to give me gifts like that. Like I don't, I mean, if you want to give me a guitar every time, casinos have a lot of money. Let me just say, uh, this is a thing that they probably have money set aside for talent to, uh, to spend on talent. But this was usually they would just give you fucking something you don't even want.

They, Jason researched us each Anya me and Andrew to see what we were obsessed with Anya he noticed that she hikes a lot they definitely had different price points for us he got her a really nice backpack with uh you know portable dog bowls and like a canteen and like you know a couple hundred dollar gift for my opener and then Andrew they got him like a four hundred dollar400 club putter that he like loves, you know, Andrew's obsessed with golf and they brought in a guitar. I don't even know what to fucking expect. I don't, I am uncomfortable with gifts like this, especially when I am about to do an act that I'm nervous about. I don't even know if I can give them what they deserve, uh, in terms

of like this whole show. And they gave me, I opened it up. It's a brand new Gibson Les Paul, which is, you know, he's like the creator of the modern electric guitar as we know it. Um, beautiful. Like I can't even like, I haven't even Googled the price of it. I don't want to know. It's just too much. I love this guitar so much. It is a piece of art. I haven't been able to play it, um, because I don't have an amp, but I played it like in my room later that night, just without the, which is actually electric guitars are great to practice on when you're in hotels or small apartments with neighbors without the amp, because you can hear it enough, but it's not going to, I was like, oh, this is actually a perfect guitar to practice on. So they gave me this guitar and I was like, I'm going to wear

it on stage when I walk out. I'm not even going to play it. I'm just playing. I'm going to hold the mic and just wear it as a necklace because it's the best piece of jewelry I've ever had. Noah, what do you know about Les Paul? What do you know about the guitar that I got? What,

how are you? What do you feel? I felt undeserving because Matt and Anya are the best guitar, like great guitarist. And I'm opening this guitar as like someone who can play like, you know, I just feel like I, I was going to make a joke of like I could barely play Happy Birthday, but I don't even know that I could play Happy Birthday on the guitar. Like it's my F chords are still buzzy.

I don't know bar chords. I don't know any music theory. I am such a novice. It's a great encouragement for you to get to the point where you can like shred on that thing on stage. I don't know that I ever want to shred. Can I just say that? encouragement for you to get to the point where you can like shred on that thing on stage i'm i don't know that i ever want to shred can i just say that like i as a comedian i have reached a point where i don't really want to well actually there i'm unstoppable as a comedian i could do anything but there's certain types of comedy that i don't oh here's here's an example i don't care

if i ever am in movies and tv shows. If that doesn't happen for me, it's not like a goal. It'd be nice. It'd be fun to be asked to do a movie. I don't want to write a movie. It's just too much work that might not see the light of day. And I have other stuff going on that can instantly see the light of day. I'd rather do podcasts every day than spend writing a movie that might not get made. Um. But if it happened, I'd be great. Same with shredding. Like I just want to, I like singer,

songwriter, acoustic voice. Like that is what I want. And it's just too, too many. Like I can't, I'm not saying for you to get there. I'm just saying for you to have a goal that you pursue.

So you constantly work hard at it. You're right. You're right. I always need a goal. You're right. I am. I just want to say thank you so much to the Del Lago casino for using the money that you

don't scam people out of but let's be honest casinos always win and they are cash cows and I'm glad people enjoy gambling but you guys are it's kind of criminal how much money you get from people and how you can, uh, facilitate addictions.

However, I am grateful to be working at you and people enjoy being at you. Del Lago casino is awesome. Like such a, if you live in that area, I stayed at an amazing hotel in the casino. I really recommend doing like a staycation there. Um, they have great entertainment. The theater was gorgeous. I want to shoot a special there someday. I was blown away.

And the staff, everyone from the, every crew member was laughing, enjoying the show, told me like secrets about, you know, one stage manager guy, I'm not going to blow up your spot,

dude, but you were cool as fuck. And you told me afterwards, like what celebrities are not cool and which ones are that you've worked with. There's a couple of people that won't let you make eye contact with them and they are who you think and one who you don't think. Um, the Rolling Stones required Evian that the hot tubs at an

arena be filled with Evian at the Buffalo Bill stadium, Evian. And there had to be like, you know, assistants pouring Evian bottles into a hot tub. I don't know when that happened, but that's a true story that I enjoyed. Everyone was so nice. Jason helped me. He was the one that researched me and gave me the guitar. I got to go. I got to bring Andrew in.

I'll finish this story when we get Andrew in. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

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to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically

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Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in.

It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hey. Hey. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Holding down the fort?

The fort's holding. Good. You're back in St. Louis at our place. Sorry I forgot the cleaning lady was coming this morning. I meant to cancel her yesterday and then I slept all day yesterday. Literally all day and forgot about everything. Yeah. I was wildly depressed until about 40 minutes ago.

You did too? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I was like having like about 40 minutes ago. You did too? Yeah. I was like having, I don't know, I was so out of it yesterday. Then I texted you and you didn't text me back. Then you wrote something on my Instagram. I'm like, she's mad at me.

I'm sorry. I wasn't mad at you. I wasn't. I saw. You did right. You were so sweet. You wrote how you doing and I never wrote mad at you. I had all these thoughts. You did write. You were so sweet. You wrote, how are you doing? And I never wrote back to it. Because when I woke up, I saw it. And then I go, oh, I'm going to get back to that.

You know when you think you're going to get back to it, and then you get all these texts about urgent things you have to do for work, and then you don't get back to your friend Andrew, who's checking in on you. How were you doing yesterday? I was a complete zombie. I mean, we had one hour of sleep. It was literally one of the best times of my life, though, Saturday night. Yeah, Saturday night, I was just going through the show. But we had a flight at 6 a.m., which was an hour away. So we had a 4 a.m. leave time call. And then I didn't get to sleep until 3.15 i had 45 minute nap and then i had two flights i slept on both of

them landed got to the hotel slept from 11 until 3 got a covet test at 3 because i'm doing um taping a show this week yeah went back to bed at 3 15 slept until 7 and then went to bed at 11 woke up at 8 like i'm just us and I have had no melatonin. Like, I didn't need any assistance. I am, like, sleeping, like, I'm so grateful I've been able to sleep. It does, like, we have some shows. And let's just say the night before, Friday night before our show. Oh, yeah.

We didn't get any sleep either because our car was supposed to come at 5. For a 7 a.m. flight, our flight was canceled. Moved to a 9 for a 7am flight. Our flight was canceled, moved to a 9am flight. So we woke up at five and didn't, and got picked up at seven. Did so we did that night. I only slept four hours. Like I went to bed at one.

So four and then, so a four hour sleep. And that morning I had to get up for radio at 7am and I went to bed. So I, I realized in three days I was asleep and i realized our listeners have children and jobs and sleep uh disorders that you guys are rolling your eyes right now but a five hour night preceded by a four hour night preceded by a one hour night equals i'm sleeping all sunday long and thank god i don't have kids and and and you know responsibilities that i'm i'm grateful i'm able to even do that but yeah you were a zombo yeah you know i i look at you know our

no i just laughed at zombo wait wait did we come up with zombo no but i like it i've been using zombo forever i forget who is that a male zombie or is that just yeah it's just like oh zombin like if you're a zom, like, you're... It's so much funnier than zombie. So let's add that to our lexicon. Oh, I was zombed out for sure. Yeah. You know, we look at...

We'll have shows on Friday night and then we're going to have a show the next Saturday where we're going to have to do exactly this and then perform and you have to do an hour and 20 minutes. I just like... It's just wild to me. I have no problems harnessing the energy

for the show that yes so i just want to be clear anyone coming to see the shows i i i could do those they'll might be wacky the things i say might be more extreme but i'll still have the energy to do it yeah uh when i get on stage you just find it it was also interesting because because we did the show on saturday night and then flew back sunday slept all day and then i swear to god i woke up at like 7 p.m yesterday and go did that show did that even really happen because i woke up in my own bed like my bed where i live every day so it was literally we were we were there for like 10 hours. And I was just like, was the best moment of my life even happened?

How awesome was it? It was unbelievable. But I don't even. That theater was insane. The people there were all so nice and so excited to have us. They gave us presents. I already covered that.

I want to talk about Jason for a second because I was just about to say about Jason. Jason was the guy that like researched us to find these amazing gifts because I bet if Jason didn't exist I bet the casino would have given us something probably we wouldn't have wanted like they would have given me some kind of like Tiffany necklace that I would have been like this is so nice and then I gave it to my mom to sell on eBay like the fact that they researched us yeah was so

freaking nice and thoughtful and it was all Jason and Jason if you're listening which I think you are Jason also called his wife. I was trying to figure out a line for this joke that I'm working on where I talk about on first dates. I'm at an age now where on first dates, you just want to cut to the chase because there are certain deal breakers that we shouldn't have a second date. We shouldn't even keep this first date going if that's the case. And, you know, so like do you want kids like how much debt do you have um and then i wanted a third one that was like a jokey thing like um the the placeholder which i saw on a meme on reddit which i would not use because it's been it's a reddit thing but i was

i was telling andrew and anya and matt and all the people backstage this is literally like 10 minutes before the show started i go i want something that is the same as, um, do you clap when a plane lands? Like, you know, deal break, like an annoying thing that you'd go, Oh, I can't be with a person that does that.

I wanted the same thing. I couldn't come up with one. Jason's a cute guy in a suit. And I go, uh, you know, I just want to chat. I always want to chat up the handsome guy in a suit.

And so I was just kind of like, what about you? Are you married or have a girlfriend? That's a good way to find out, you know? And he goes, yeah. And he has like a fucking stunning wife and kids. He's of course, and he's got a great job. He does a great job at his job.

And I go, what is, what's the one thing your wife would say about you? That's like specific and annoying that maybe I could plug in here. Cause I was asking everyone and he called his fucking wife to ask her and she was roasting him. She was so funny. She said he, what was the last one she said that was so good there's something specific about him that really it was really good anyway he has to shower to go to chipotle yeah yeah he's always yes it was so funny mrs jason oh my god yeah that like he just he always has to look so nice anyway

jason was so cool and then i just want to say later on um i had some creeps i had one creep come up to me at the after party which hopefully we'll talk about either on this show or later there was an after party at the casino and there was just a guy that came up that was making me uncomfortable and jen my assistant later on we were talking about we need a code word for when there's someone that's making me uncomfortable that we can just like get out of it and i said i don't really need one because i'm so honest because when this guy sat down and as soon as it got uncomfortable i go i want to leave and everyone was like oh what i'm like i'm leaving and then he got he understood he wasn't creepy enough that he did he wasn't going to get up when i announced i was uncomfortable so he goes okay i

get it i'm i'm leaving and i was like okay but i still was like i still want to go you're in the building and i don't like your presence he was too drunk he was like nervous to talk to me trying to like hit on me it was weird um but we were talking and i was like it should be uh i was just trying to like roast jason who was around so we were talking about like what should the code word be and i go what about jason because it's jason gives me that like i go that would be a good one to have uh because jason like embodies everything that movie that is like just being someone that you don't want around what'd you say friday the 13th like jason like he's no i was just like basing it off this guy that was like so no i know i'm just saying no but and i was trying to roast him because i

thought he heard our conversation about like what we're talking about and he walked in he goes he didn't know and I go we just came up with a new word and it's Jason it's based on you because you like embody what it's about so much which it's obviously I was just like trying to be like flirty and fun and he was just like okay and so we'll probably have to change it now that I just

announced it but if you're ever talking to me and my assistant and I go to my assistant did Jason call yet that means get the fuck away from me okay um but thank you so much to dell logo no venue will maybe ever be as it will ever be it's the best gift i've ever gotten and i yeah what were the other guys names the other guys the big guy i forget yeah he was very nice to him he had all of them yeah i had a moment with him and he gave us what chips that guy let me I'll pull up his name because I can find it

that guy gave us chips to play with I had a funny moment with that guy because he goes to me he goes hey Andrew you like to play you like to bet you like to play and I go you know man I played in college and I won like two

grand the first time I ever played and then I got completely addicted because I made this money and then I was calling my stepmom for money I was calling my friends for money and I and it was really like a negative impact on my life but like I really enjoyed it but I did you know I stopped playing and he's like oh okay and then he me to the $500 chip and I go, but Hey, I'll play tonight though. I felt the same way. That guy gave me $500 chip and then another $100 chip and was like,

just go have fun. This fucking guy. I love you so much. I forget his name and I just tried to look it up on, on Jason's Instagram, but it wasn't tagged. So shout out to you again, sir.

Thank you so much. And then there was another guy too. There was three of them. But what I wanted to say about that, I had to say, so I lost my chips and I felt so embarrassed because they had given it to us and then they're walking us back to our room

at the end of the night. And I go, I don't have my chips. I think I left them in the green room, which is just so irresponsible. It leaves $600 of chips. And then I was thinking about it and I go I don't have my chips I think I left them in the green room and which is just so irresponsible at least six hundred dollars of chips and then I was thinking about it and I go because I am very uncomfortable with gambling I don't like it I don't like losing money part of me was going to put the six hundred dollars on red or black roulette and uh donate whatever I want like the thousand dollars if I doubled it right and. And I was like, okay, I wanted to ask a charity that I would give that to, would you rather just get me, give you the $500? Let's

not talk about the $100 one. That's for me. Or would you rather me bet and maybe double it? So that's what I'm going to do next time I gamble. I didn't have time this time. And so I did find the chips, but I realized that I don't look at chips as money and that's why people spend chips more because you don't think of them as currency so that's why i just left it if that was 500 of actual money or a check even checks i leave everywhere like i'm i felt so bad like i was just being flippant about this amazing gift they gave me enough money that that's what i used to get paid for a whole weekend not so long ago you know like eight years ago that was what i got for up seven shows in fucking des moines cuyahoga falls ohio at a shitty club i was telling i was telling anya because she was worried about the same

same thing and i go this is what you do if you ever get if you ever make a decent amount of money or if you have a lot of money in chips, go to the cashier, get cash out, and then give cash to the dealer because then you feel the cash. That's really good. The chip will just be like, you're gone. Like, oh, it's just funny. It's like Monopoly money. It's like not real. Matt Pond, he also was saying that he doesn't.

He was afraid, yeah. He was afraid, too, because he goes, I once lost $2,000 and it felt so bad and he goes i've also won a ton right which keeps you going i thank god i'm someone who because i understand gambling addiction is so fucking real i saw someone doing scratchers at the fucking chicago airport yesterday this guy at like eight nine in the morning doing scratchers like bent over like a businessman i go oh that's that's me that's me on my balcony smoking weed out of a pipe like crouched down like an adult woman acting ridiculous because of an addiction so which i want to get to in just a second so anyway i um but matt even said it made me so sad to lose ten thousand two thousand dollars and the money i've

lost gambling because a ball lands on the wrong color, it's just not worth it. It's too sad. I would rather not risk it. That being said, let me just really quickly before we get to the news, I have to ask you something. And besties, listen up and please give me feedback on this. I want to live my life honestly. I don't want to be an evil person. I'm staying at a hotel that the last hotel I stayed at when I was here what I was put up by Bill Maher and all the other productions I was here at for it's like $900 a night it's the nicest hotel ever it was so fucking sweet and I couldn't justify that cost this time I'm here for five days I didn't want to spend that much money on a hotel

so I went on kayak I found one that was well-reviewed, same vicinity. And I get here. I upgrade to a king suite so I can have a balcony so I can smoke weed on the balcony, right? I get here. The hotel is a lot of riffraff in the lobby. As soon as I pull up, I'm like, this ain't the place. It's like I flew first class and now I'm back on spirit air, right? The hotel room is nice and clean, quiet.

I love the hotel room. It's great. I have like my own suite. I have like a depressed living room with a depressed woman sitting in it right now. But you know, like it steps down to my living room above is, let me just show you a scope. I have a little kitchen. Like that's my living room. Up there is my bedroom, kitchen area, balcony.

So I get in, I'm checking in and I go, it has a balcony, right? And he goes, yeah. And he goes, here's the places to sign. And I go, great. And he goes, just to let you know, if we catch you, if there's a, this is for the smoking charge, $500 fee. If we catch you smoking in the hotel room or the bulk on the balcony. And I was like, but what would you wait? I go, I got it a balcony. Cause I smoke like but wait I go I got it a balcony because I smoke weed and that's where I'm going to be smoking use we have neighbors and you can't smoke on the balcony and I go that's why

I got this place and he was like I'm sorry and I already prepaid so it's like already a couple grand I paid for this place ahead of time and I just go charge me the $500 now because I'm going to be smoking weed on the balcony. Just do it.

And he goes, I really appreciate your honesty right now because so many times I've looked people in the eyes and they've said, I'm not going to smoke. And then I have to knock on their door and they answer it all high. And I have to go in and say, listen. And he goes, thank you. And I thought he was just going to waive the fee for my honesty. No, he still charged me it which is fine is it 500 a day or 500

just one time well it does say per occurrence on the sign here if smoking occurs during your stay a $500 fee will be billed to your account per occurrence yeah so first of all let me just say this yesterday had a 4 a.m. wake

up call went to the airport didn't smoke weed all day got landed was not in the mood to smoke weed i also didn't take my add meds um i was depressed all day weed does not it was not something i wanted to do i slept all day i didn't smoke any weed yesterday first day and i would say many many many months that i did not smoke weed so i was like okay that's interesting, many months that I did not smoke weed. So I was like, okay, that's interesting. Didn't smoke weed. Today, have not smoked weed yet. Almost, and then last night I went to dinner with David Spade. I got back to my place. I told him the whole incident of the five, and he goes, are you smoking weed now on your balcony? And I go, actually, I think

I might try to like quit because of this. Like this might get me to quit because I'm just not, I almost want to be like, you, you actually, I'm not going to, I'm not, you know, like just rub it in. So I didn't smoke weed yesterday. I haven't smoked weed yet today, which is kind of unprecedented from actually it's 10 AM. That's not unprecedented, but I don't really have plans on it yet today. Who knows? I'm if I do, I'm not a failure. Um, but here's, here's, here's the thing that I want to ask besties and you guys, I'm in the elevator on the way down today. And I see the elevator. I'm just, you know, doing some light reading of the elevator certificate.

You know, in every elevator it says like inspected. So this elevator has not is past inspection date. It is these elevators are operating illegally from the state of California. The date of inspection was 12-26-18. The date the permit expires, 12-26-19. This is almost a year, this is a year and a half expired. See what you see when you're not high? Here's what you see when you don't when you're not high here's what i see a chance to get my entire

stay paid for because i can blackmail them and say i will report this to the state of california unless you wave not my whole stay you wave my 500 feet or i'm all and every occurrence of my weed smoking or i get them to reimburse me for the entire stay. And I change hotels to somewhere. I feel better. Do you think it is indecent of me to use this information? I have for both L operating elevators that are operating illegally. They're expired permit.

Do you think that is a thing I should use against them to get my, to get not charged for smoking weed on my balcony per occurrence? Or is that, um, is that like not a nice blackmail? I think has a connotation of negativity the whole time. So like, I think as someone who is a God fearing person wants to go to is wants to

only always do the right thing. It's probably not a good idea, but is there a way to do it where it's not really a bribe, but they get my gist? Like, Hey, I noticed in the elevator that your date of inspection is almost two years old. And I also noticed that I'm getting charged $500 per occurrence of weed.

I wonder if those two things can both be forgotten about and not reported. Can I use it? Here's a couple things. I think, one, they saved you about $30,000 on going to rehab because you only paid $500 to quit. That's true. And if I don't smoke weed the whole time, I'm going to ask for that $500 back, by the way. And number two, if you smoke on our balcony now in St. Louis, you're going to have to pay me $500. That's just... Oh, no.

Yeah, it sucks for you. Yes, that's true it's true but okay you also you have an expired permit of brushing your teeth and it says has not date date brushing teeth permit expires 24 hours if you don't brush your teeth every 24 hours all right i'll give you 50 i don't brush okay but this is the thing i think the problem with this is just because it doesn't say it on the elevator they might go well we've had an inspection that we just haven't put it up there that's the only thing i'd be worried about first wait for them to have that response then bring up the bribe

but the fact that they don't have that posted is also a violation i I would assume, from the state of California. Yes. What? Noah? Noah? I mean, go for it. Yeah. I don't think, I think your energy is better spent in some other way.

Because one, these two things have nothing to do with each other. And what Andrew says is correct. It could just be that they just didn't update the actual elevator signs, but they do have the documents to prove it. And just imagine going through that whole thing. And then they're like, ma'am,

right here is our elevator inspection. And they put, it's just, you're right. It's a Karen move going out. And if you happen to like writing a joke that might make me $500, like what, what am I doing?

Yeah. But you know what? Their move, any besties though know that this is a huge violation and that there would be consequences that that maybe they would want to avoid by giving me freedom to smoke weed on my balcony just gonna

inconvenience the guy working on the front desk who really doesn't have that much invested in the like what happens why doesn't he wave my fucking fee if he doesn't have much invested you know what I mean like I think he thought he was cool enough to charge like I thought

what he said was very nice to you and if I was working at the front desk I would just be like thank you for your honesty I'm not gonna charge you right now

let's just see what happens and we'll just take it from there yes no he was cool you're right I don't wanna get him in trouble

I don't wanna get this place in trouble it is a nice place everyone's just trying to make a buck and yeah this I'm glad i talked about it because my my evil side the devil on my shoulder wanted me to use this against them and instead i just might let them know that it's expired and not do anything about it but just give them a heads up

and that's the kind thing to do and then maybe my kindness will be rewarded with a little bit of leniency if they choose to without me having it holding it over their head i say you just hot box the elevator get high in there then when they complain just point then i go look look at this dude look at this freaking inspect you're inspecting me i'm inspecting you you didn't inspect this whoa yeah dude inspector gadget I love that plan. I'm going to fucking hotbox that tiny little elevator. I realize this place is a dump because, not a dump, but David dropped me off last night and I go, it's this dump over here.

And he laughed hard at that because I'm just so, sometimes I get really depressed if I have undercut myself and stayed somewhere cheaper or done something to save money. And then it makes me feel like bad, like you don't deserve nice things. But then if I do nice things and it's not nice enough, I also get upset. Like I'm just having money, um, stress this week for no reason. For fucking no reason. And that's how it's. But I got that $600 chips that Andrew cashed out for me when we were living. Thank you for that, Andrew. Let's get to the news. Apparently.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. how cool were we saw so many besties that had all the swells oh it was so great everything was great

we all had a great time out there this weekend and i hope you had all the swells and you're gonna have all the swells this week i have a good feeling about it i really do yeah all right first story here a 19 year old who did a backflip into a zoo rhino enclosure for his TikTok and could be charged with criminal trespass in Singapore. So this kid decided to jump over a railing at a zoo and do a backflip for TikTok in a rhino enclosure. We're watching it. That is true.

Yeah, that's a good point. Wow. It's kind of cool. Did the rhino charge him five hundred dollars per occurrence yeah he was smoking weed um the the uh charge him though did the rhino attack him in any way no no it's a very quick backflip um here's the thing tiktok people die tell us doing tiktoks yeah they go on led They go, look at me on my ledge. They're ledge heads.

Yeah, you talked about your girlfriend is a ledge head because she's not scared of getting out on a ledge on a hike. I love the word ledge head. Ledge head is a word for people who aren't scared to take risks to either see beautiful things or very cool things or take a picture with them. I don't think your girlfriend was trying to get a TikTok. She just isn't scared of heights. Yeah, the last thing she would want is that for to be recorded but she is

definitely a ledge head she's admitted ledge head but uh these ledge heads they fall off because they're being like oh am i uh getting the 10 second timer right boom yes so this kid jumped in an enclosure people are jumping in enclosures and then let's say the rhino did charge them next thing you know they shoot the rhino because the kid did a backflip for fucking right yeah well this is just a dumb kid for sure tiktok is inspiring people to do more because there's more eyes on it like you know everyone does things like this and tries to get cool pictures and stuff you've heard of like you know a wedding yeah wedding photos on cliffs and then the bride falls to her death right before she's getting, you know, it's like that. She just got married.

Now they're doing pictures and the bride gets caught up in the surf. And then the groom is just like, wow, I, that prayer was answered very quickly. That's weird. I've heard so many stories of people at their wedding when the bride is walking towards them. They like start getting sweats because they know that they don't want to be doing this and i just picture that guy in that story i just made up being like god please do something to make it so i don't have to be with this woman the rest of my life and then they go over to take wedding photos and a wave comes up and sweeps her to the sea and he just goes okay well i didn't say i wanted to go to reception

and have fun i wanted to taste the cake yeah at least after i fuck her on the honeymoon before you took denise into the uh yeah into the mariana trench um so okay yes i here's what i i noticed i did billy busy phillips's a podcast last week. It was a great conversation. Very, very, I talked about things I didn't know that I was going to discuss, but, um, one of them I think was the fact that people that aren't scared of heights and Rhino enclosures and things like that are, uh,

I don't, I don't think they're stupid. They're kind of stupid because the risk is so high, but some people don't understand how I can stand on stage with my parents in the audience and talk about having anal sex. They just cannot imagine a world where that would ever be a thing that they could do. And I feel the same way about, you know, that guy who does solo, free solo, you know, the climber. You look at him and you go, how could you go without any assistance on these let rocks and it's the same it's the same thing to to a lot of people talking about anal sex in front

of your parents in a room of people would be a death worse than falling um you know cliffhanger style so i just am glad that my death defying thing is, you know, causing a, you know, a really wedge of awkwardness between me and my parents rather than me getting my arm stuck in a, under a rock. I think I'm confusing two movies here, but you see my point. Yes. 127 hours. Yes. I, yes. It is interesting that like that guy will fucking climb without cameras by himself yes just for him like i've

never been able to do like if i'm if i'm surfing right surfing should be like a solo thing i'll surf you want someone i go hey hey did you did you see me on the on the board we are and my step brother is like cool jake the snake is like yeah i saw you dude good job he doesn't need that surfers go out in the morning where there's no one to witness them and they go out because they they're one with the sea and it's meditative and all these things and we every time we do anything we need it to be documented that's not true for me actually anymore i really do enjoy having moments with like the earth and god and and like myself like the thing is when you believe in God, like I do, which I found last summer,

you're never alone and you always have an audience. And that's the weird thing is like I, when I'm alone and have those moments of like, God, I wish there was someone to take a picture of me with this on this hike. I'm pretending I hike or anything I do alone. I just think about like the dead people in my life and I kind of like talk to them like they're

sitting there with me it's really weird but maybe maybe that will help you but they can't film you that's the problem and if they do it's just like also it'd be my dead grandpa he wouldn't know how to work a tick tock you know yeah that's yeah your grandpa is definitely gonna have smudges on the screen he's

not gonna wipe it off correctly and he's gonna do he's gonna double tap on the the the parents always double tap double click on everything whenever i'm over my mom's shoulder on a computer she's double clicking every i go one click we've moved on from the double click pretty much yeah there's no double clicking anymore but remember you used to double click the double click was great yeah yeah why don't we do that now you just do it to like kind of i guess uh highlight text my dad still had a mouse for his uh computer yeah people old people love mouse mouses and he was using my uh inflatable mattress at my brother's house as his mouse pad that's you know that is a huge mouse pad wait it was using an inflatable no that doesn't make any sense like the edge of it yeah just the

edge not the whole mouse i mean he's on the floor with his laptop no he was sitting on the couch with the bed was on the floor in the living room and he was using my bed without he took the sheet well the sheet was off because your boy i'm so confused by this but it's not really worth explaining okay next story so let me explain them yeah the mouse is on the floor he's sitting at his computer which is i'm thinking elevated so he's bending down to use the mouse on the on the bed on the bed on the floor no you had a bed on the floor okay if i'm sitting at a table right now andrew i think all of our listeners are with me on this how Okay, if I'm sitting at a table right now, Andrew, I think all of our listeners are with me on this, how confusing this is. I'm sitting at a table right now with my laptop.

If I had a mouse right here, okay, let's pretend this is a mouse, I would want it next to the computer right here on the table. Now, if I'm using the bed, I have to go around here to use the mouse? This is where you're confused. This air mattress is a high air mattress. And it's a low sofa seat

yeah got it got it on board next story legend you'll your legend if you lay on that bed it's so high okay here we go fire festival wait andrew hold on come again we have to tell we have to tell the story of there's a new old renegade story that happened this weekend. Which one? We're saving it for final story. But I was thinking about all of the words we've come up with for our besties. One of them was we witnessed a child's birthday party.

Oh, my God. We asked what his name was. The parents said old renegade. Our friend Michael heard old renegade. We go, that's kid's name. That seven-year-old's name is not old renegade we our friend michael heard old renegade we go that's kids name that seven-year-old's name is not old renegade we were laughing so hard it turns out his name was aurelian which is very close to old renegade because we were like what could that be it's an old episode very early on the show um there was another mistaken communication this weekend that is so bad final thought we'll use it for final thought next story just had to tell you

i forgot about that story that's how much of a fever dream i forgot about that until you just that is so bad. Final thought. We'll use it for final thought. Next story. Just had to tell you. Old Renegade. I forgot about that story. That's how much of a fever dream. I forgot about that until you just brought it. Okay, Fyre Festival ticket holders see their class action payout

of $7,220, each slashed to $280. They each get $280. Here's the thing. It's better than nothing, but I'm sure they spent more. Well, it was a 1.4 million dollar lawsuit that they won and the attorneys got a million dollars of it attorneys

and accountants so these people are divvying up like 70 000 for like 200 people or whatever just because yeah okay these people spent nine between 900 to $10,000. On the lawsuit individually? No. No, on the fire festival tickets. And they get $280. Yeah, this doesn't surprise me. I was actually thinking about this yesterday,

about how, you know, I think I was worried about money yesterday because I thought about, I don't even remember how much, when I got the offer for the casino that I did I don't remember how much they offered me I can think it's I don't like to look at numbers I'm scared of numbers and I know that's weird but I was thinking about you know it's such a nice gift to get that Gibson guitar because it was probably I'm guessing between a $4,000 and $7,000 guitar. And that is money that my agents and my agent and my manager and my lawyer can't touch. Not true. They said they're going to take the top two strings.

I know. I know. I have to give. I have to cut off a piece of the top of it. But I was thinking about it and i go god it's such bullshit that they take you know 30 of my money every time i book something and but these are thoughts i'm having because other comedians have put them there like everyone hates agents and managers for taking more than they possibly deserve all these things and what I realized was that Nikki just never have that

thought again honestly until you know that you could do the work they do don't have the thought because to me it's I could do this all day I can't believe I pay Angie 115 bucks to clean my apartment I could fucking do that she's she's making 150 bucks for stuff i could do um no i can't do it that's why she's hired to do it my agents and managers might get a ton of money that they they get for making a couple calls sending 10 emails and that's maybe more work than i'm putting into it and they're whatever still it's they're doing something i have no ability to do and so i am acknowledging that and even if it's like but nikki he just sat there he literally didn't have to do and so I am acknowledging that and even if it's like but Nikki he just sat there he literally didn't have to do anything it doesn't that's that I agreed to that amount

that's the way it works and I'm not gonna bitch about paying for something that I agreed to pay for ever again because if you get if you get charged on the back end, there's time to complain. But when you agree to something and then you bitch about it later, I don't understand that anymore. So I really like had this moment yesterday where I go, maybe I got, let's say, let's just give a number, which isn't a number,

a million dollars for that appearance, which isn't even close. That's why I picked that number. My agents are gonna get, there goes $300,000 of it. And then after taxes, there goes probably $250,000 to $300,000. So out of that million, I'm going to make $400,000. I'm going to walk away with $400,000. Great.

Great. That other money was never mine to have. I don't get to look at that number, million dollars, and think that's mine. I never look at the number they offer me and go, yes, I can't wait to get a Tesla with that or whatever I think.

No, cut it in half at least and then cut that in half because you're going to save half of it because you're worried about your career going away. I just, the money that you spend or that is taken from taxes,

I don't understand people getting mad about taxes. I never look at my salary or what I'm making as my money. I just go, that's not the real number. Even I get mad at Walgreens when they don't, or prices at stores. Just add the tax. I know it changes, so they can't, but nothing's ever $10.

It's going to be $12.80. I don't know what my point is. My point is. I guess your point is don't bring up the elevator to that guy. Because you agreed to pay for the $500. It's on you. I did. I did.

We're working back around. I don't know. I'm tired of people complaining about agents and managers and being like, they don't do anything. Well, then why do you have them? Get rid of them now. I guess. guess the yeah well that's the that's the rub i guess the but they didn't do anything i thought they'd do stuff well then don't have them i i don't know what to tell you i'm grateful for mine because they make calls and they make emails that i don't want to make and honestly maybe i could make those emails and those calls but i don't want to make, and honestly, maybe I could make those emails and those calls, but I don't want to.

And I get to masturbate today instead of doing that. You know, like I get to my life. Yeah. So that's how I feel about that. Next story. Sorry, Andrew. No, I just think that like the difference is, is if you make enough money to 30%, just doesn't seem like an insane amount.

But why do people vote for Trump that are rich? Because they're like, I don't want to give away 40% of my money. I want to give away 20%. I get that, but we need money for roads and schools. It's not being spent on roads and schools. It's being spent on

Christmas lights in a town square. I'm Jewish and I don't want Christmas lights. Well, you don't get to say where it goes to just pay your goddamn taxes and shut up. If you're wealthy, shut the fuck up about taxes. I hate you so much. If you're a wealthy person, you're like, but I want more. Shut up. I was talking about the people.

I worked for my money. You didn't work for your money. You got born with a brain that was good at math or whatever the fuck you're good at that made you make so my money. You didn't work for your money. You got born with a brain that was good at math or whatever the fuck you're good at that made you make so much money. I know, but I wasn't talking about the very rich people, the very rich comedians. I'm bringing it back to the wealth.

Yeah, no, but I'm talking about the comedian that makes like 60 grand and then they give 30% to their... So the difference, they literally can't survive because of the 30%. But you know what I mean? Whatever. They need to talk to their agents and managers

and tell them, listen, this isn't a living wage that I'm making with you. Can we work out some deal until I do make enough money where I will be able to pay you back this money? My abusive therapist, Donna, she used to always say, you don't have to pay me $375 every time

you see me twice a week which I make you go twice a week um because I know that when you can't afford it you'll uh pay it you'll pay me back for the times and I go no I don't really want to do that she goes you will though and I go I don't think I'll want to do that and um but she was always like I'll I'll do a sliding scale because the money that I – she takes on poor people that can't afford it and gives them free sessions because her clients that can afford it support them. And I felt okay about that. Rich people need to pay that much where they feel like they're getting quality service.

You know what I mean? So it's like if you went to a rich person, you're like, oh, you make $2 million, but you only have to pay $20 each session. They'll be like, are you even good? You know what I mean? So it was like, if, if he went to a rich person, you're like, Oh, you make $2 million, but you only have to pay 20 each session. They'll be like, are you even good? You know what I mean? Right. Right.

Right. Yeah. Charging more makes you feel like you're, um, my therapist, by the way, I, I,

I had a string of abusive therapists, uh, until I, Noah gave me her therapist and she was very nice and I was able to break up. Every time I've broken up with therapists, they've either hassled me and like kept calling me and not let me quit and told me they're the only ones that love me. The only ones that will understand me. I'm going to die without them.

Or they've cried and made me feel really bad about it and fought it. And then I started seeing better therapists. Noah's I saw we, we didn't have the right chemistry and so I let her go and she was very understanding then I saw this other one that I really loved for a while and it just got to the point where I was like I want to try EMDR I want to try a more direct approach instead of talk therapy and I told her that and I go I'm switching to I was seeing Whitney Cummings therapist for a while and I go and when I first saw this woman I

told her about my abusive therapist and she goes I promise you when you break up with me or if you ever need to leave me, I will never hold it against you. I'll never fight it. I will never, that is such a triggering thing. And you know, you were safe with me and I trusted her. I eventually let this girl go. She was totally fine about it. So understanding, so loving. I didn't end up following through with the emdr i'm not seeing any therapists now this old therapist wrote to me this weekend saying hey i was just thinking of you i just wanted to say hi and say that i think of you often and i'm wishing you all the best you don't even need to write back to this just wanted to say hello and then i was like i loved her so

much that's so sweet i started writing her back and trying to and telling her like my life is actually i've never felt better i'm on meds i you know still recovered from my eating disorder loving my job embarking on tour a little stressed out actually there's this thing and i go in writing this i was thought i was gonna write you and say thank you no thank you or like thanks and i'll talk to you when i need you and i ended up going let's actually pick back up because you promised me something and you stuck to it and you, I trust you now. And,

um, and so I'm going to start seeing a therapist again, but it was just so nice to have a therapist that actually, I love that. Cause I was smoking weed during it. She was just like, just throwing this out there. But you know,

she's just such a lovely woman that was actually no it sounds genuine not trying to remind me of like hey i'm here i need work it was really like i love you and care about you as as your doctor at one point and it was just yeah with these therapists it'd be interesting if you left and they're like but you're not healed yet you're like how much will it cost for this not to make you upset? Like, can I give you $20,000 and you'll stop crying? Like, is this about the money or helping me? The one that cried for me, it was not about that.

It was not about that. She literally, I think, loved me. Yeah. And she was someone I saw when I was seeking out an emotional therapist, EFT. So they focus on feeling your feelings. So she would feel my, I would tell her horrible things that have happened to me and then she would cry because she was feeling them.

She was like an empath and then I would see her crying and be able to know that it was worth crying about because a stranger's crying, I should be able to cry. And so when I told her goodbye, she got very, she started crying and because she feels everything. And I think she was just really hurt and confused and it felt like a real breakup. And I still think about her too and love her a lot, but it was not an easy.

I'm going through something kind of similar right now where the gym that I've been going to a lot i i'm starting to like this gym downstairs and i and in order to go and get classes i gotta post stories and i'm i did this i'm thinking about hiding the stories of this new gym from the old gym yeah here's what i i had to do the same thing with my trainer i was seeing a trainer three days a week in 2013 i was like so fit i was getting ready to break up with him and then he moved to la it was in new york and i was like oh my god this is the best thing ever because i didn't have to do it because i didn't have the heart to do it i don't and i was just going to go to no one so what you do andrew is you tell him the truth because what is the truth well it's far away yeah it you got injured during the class it's more high intensity you want something that works

on your hips now he he's going to say, he's going to have combat. He's going to say, well, we can do more hip stretches and do more Pilates type things. And you just have to say, dude, I loved your class,

but I'm going to try something new, new, no offense. I could also do both. I could, I'm just not going to go as much to this guy, but don't hide him from your stories. Just be yourself.

You're allowed to go to a different class. I would just be honest about it. Yeah, no, I love that. And he probably heard this anyway. So next story. He's a great guy. Why do I care? Why do I care?

Oh, boy. If you haven't seen this video, Cardi B surprises her three-year-old daughter, Culture, with a K, with a dazzling diamond necklace on her third birthday. Oh, God. I mean, it's really cute as a mini mouse with like i mean how much does this cost um do we have an estimate there is no price i would say like 300,000 200 grand yeah um doesn't surprise me uh spade was actually doing a hilarious bit not even a bit he was just like talking about how you know the kardashians you know uh psalms or north's birthday is like she's two and it's just

like bigger than any celebration that anyone's ever thrown for him as an adult and it's like he was he was making me laugh so hard he just talks in stand-up it's frustrating but um yeah these these kids are spoiled it's scary to see what they're going to turn into based on this but also you know i i feel like cardi is just a lot of times parents make a party that they want to go to i think cardi cardi wants that necklace and so and kids don't have much of a personality yet to like actually get something and it's just to display wealth and to project

that you're important and that you have money and that's what diamonds are all about and I don't know part of me is jealous like you were talking about like oh I you know then I'll spend too much on a hotel and I'll feel bad about spending I look at this and Cardi goes I'm gonna give her a three hundred thousand dollar necklace and i'm not even gonna think twice about it and i'm like jealous of that of her being able

to because cardi spending three hundred thousand dollars on a necklace is like you spending three dollars on a latte like if you look up how much money she has probably do you know what i mean no no offense to you no no no i guess broke but in comparison it's just the same it's it's nothing yeah but you know that's not a lot of money yeah yeah i guess so i guess so i mean i i also think like sometimes i bet she got it gifted from cartier or whatever a lot of times if you watch kim kardashian uh if you're into asmr by the way uh kim kardashian is one of the best asmr by the way uh kim kardashian is one of the best asm artists out there and it's unintentional which is my favorite asmr if you don't know what asmr is

it gives you like brain orgasms because it makes you tingle in your head when you hear people like whisper talk softly my favorite asmr is uh women talking softly like this like they're a nurturing mother which is a sound I didn't hear that much because my mom talks like this, you know, it's always just like this. And Kim Kardashian talks like this. Oh my God, we got this for North. It's so beautiful. So what they do, these compilations on YouTube, Kim Kardashian, ASMR, also Khloe, Kylie, they all talk with ASMR voice that very soothing voices. They are, they have millions of views on these videos. It's just compilations of their stories on Instagram,

thanking different companies for sending them things. And I swear to God, Kim Kardashian gets probably a million dollars worth of gifts from people every day, every day. And she goes, you guys, thank you so much. And she's such a grateful sweetheart i really like kim kardashian from watching these because you know when she's thanking someone she's like oh my god this new lip kit thank you so much it's beautiful and she she really you can tell why

she gets all these things because she plugs it so well on her instagram and i gotta take a page out of her book because i get sent a lot of stuff and i feel bad putting it on my story because i think my listeners and my fans will be like we don't want to see you talk about this like butt wipe you got which by the way tail feathers thank you so much for sending us so many disposable butt wipes we've used them so much shout out to tail feathers best disposable butt wipe do not throw your butt wipes that you're buying at the store in the toilet you have to put them in the trash but if you want one you can put the toilet tail feathers is the one to do i love them so much um so i'm gonna do that more i'm gonna be better about shouting out to people that send me free stuff because i like free stuff and it's so sweet of of you and thank you so

much why do i care i literally i don't care what i do want to talk about for our sports moment and if we can get to it before this week is the the dude that stole Rob, Ron McElroy. Who's the golfer? McElroy? Rory McElroy? Yeah, that's him. Did you see the guy that stole his club? What?

Dude, it is the funniest thing. It was all over the news. We watched it last night. Again, name drop. I met up with Spade and some friends at a bar and on the tv after the basketball game uh was the news and they go did you see this guy so they're at the can we pull it up what's the what's the um what's the thing they're doing right now the u.s the golf tournament the open that feels like tennis to me well the yes the u.s opens coming up in scotland oh no it's not you know it's a celebrity thing

oh american century maybe they're doing whatever they're doing yeah there's all these caddies around that guy's rory mccallroy's clubs and then all of a sudden and there's a camera on all of a sudden this guy walks by and just grabs a club that has like a big stuffed animal bear as like the it's over the club here yes watch this dude and this guy walks by just nonchalantly look at him and he's gonna grab that little dog head that's covering a club yes and then watch he struggles with it it doesn't come out he comes back to it he grabs another club picks it up off, and there are three guys around, and they go, who was that? He goes off to the side and starts practicing his swing

to make it look like he deserves this club. And they all, he is just a guy that snuck in and tried to steal a golf club nonchalantly. They all take care of it. And it's just the funniest thing that this guy tried to make it look like he deserved to be there. And he's just a stranger that snuck onto the golf course and stole a club. And that is how I felt about a couple people that came up to me at the after

party and acted like they deserved to be sitting next to me when they did not and made me very uncomfortable so uh that remember that guy that came up to me do you remember them i i think he i was talking to him for probably a while I left for a little bit and that's when He probably snuck in No yeah you weren't I don't think you were there for this one Yeah Because usually I'm that guy

I was sitting on the couch And there was a space open next to me On a couch that would have made us very cozy If someone were to sit there and he's a big guy too So he would have been right on me There's a chair right next so he would have been right on me there's a the chair oh i talked to this guy for a while as well in the purple shirt yes yeah big hands yeah yeah big guy i guess um and he he goes can i sit there next to me on the couch and i go no you're fine here i can hear you and he goes okay um okay And I go, and he's mumbling.

I can't even hear him. He wants me to get closer to him. And I go, do you want a picture, sir? And he goes, oh, he looked disappointed that I called him sir, because I'm trying to establish like, you're not someone I want close to me. Like you're a sir. Like, you know what I mean? He goes, oh, sir.

And I go, yeah, I just served you. That's what you deserve. Because his energy was not good. So we take a picture. I just kind of get close and go like hi and then he keeps mumbling he's like to himself and kind of trying to get my number or something and I was just like I don't I don't need I don't want to do this and he's like well I'm not trying to go I don't whatever it is I just don't want it can we just like not he goes I'm not trying to like and I go and he's still not getting it like go like stand up and leave you're making

me uncomfortable and and this I'm not capturing how uncomfortable this made me but it was really I don't mind people coming up to me I actually left right after this because he wouldn't leave and I just go I want to go and everyone we get up to go and then there's a line of people that see me get up to go and they're all wanting to meet me I met all of those people because they were all lovely and gave me such good energy this guy bad energy bad energy, even though he's a fan, I think he was a little too drunk and nervous. Um, and I'm, I'm, I'm just, it really made me really upset that, uh, occurrence for whatever reason. I felt very unsafe.

I felt, uh, and I don't ever feel that way. I just didn't like him. He seemed to get mad when I served him in a way that was like not good. And then I went, then I left and all of these people came up to meet me afterwards and they were all so lovely. I hugged them all. Like I don't want anyone to think I don't like meeting fans. I actually fucking love it more than anything. But if you have a ambition to try to fuck me, just don't, don't, don't talk to me. That's not, if i feel that boner energy from you at all it's not going to be good but if you're just a normal person that yeah you would fuck me if you could that's fine too but don't try to or have any ambition of that because it's never ever going

to happen uh okay let's get to top one bottom one today's category is injuries injuries top one injury top bottom in or uh bottom injury andrew can you get us started with your uh least favorite injury i would say my bottom one i just i had one and now i'm thinking my bottom one should be my bottom asshole being injured all the time yeah but yeah i was thinking the other the one the one one that i think that's your best one because the story that came with it you know like we gotta consider injuries across the board should be bad right but sometimes you're like grateful for one because of what it led to i would say so your bottom one is your fissure no i i was i just came up thought of that but i really think my bottom one is high school football.

I never scored a touchdown. And it's my senior year. And I ran a slant. I caught the ball. And I got hit so hard. I scored the touchdown. But it knocked the wind out of me so bad that I literally thought I was going to die. And if you ever get the wind knocked out, come here, wind. I need come here wind come on i need your wind you know and um and i was just rolling around i wasn't cool about it i'm rolling around going i need to win

and uh that was my only touchdown i ever scored i couldn't celebrate and you couldn't even celebrate it because you were looking for the wind. Yeah. Nerds video. Did your team win? Did the touchdown win the game? No, we lost. We lost. We lost. Okay.

But that's still cool though that you got one. But yeah, that's bittersweet because you want to like do a little dance or something. Yeah, you want to just. And have your team lift you up. You don't want to be like a wind seeker, like a Native American, like wind, like doing a. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The woman that actually helped me. Native American wind seeker just sounds like a thing. What? Wind Like doing a Yeah yeah The woman that actually Helped me Died Just sounds like a What Our athletic trainer Such a nice lady Miss Hinton Who was like

The only lesbian That I kind of knew Growing up She died She got electric She got struck by lightning And died Which is kind of crazy

Whoa And I don't know If it has anything to do With the wind But yeah Yeah well I'm sure the wind Has a part to play In, in, you know,

weather events like that. So that's ironic. Andrew, I was wondering if the crowd reacted when you got hit. Did you hear like, Oh, or anything like that? The same team I played against my sophomore year and I got hit on kickoff, but, and, uh, I flew like 20 yards off the screen that's how far i flew because i was so small the jersey went past my knees when i was a sophomore i was like 100 pounds like i was literally lucas from that movie lucas whatever and i was running and while

i was in the air i could hear the crowd going oh like feeling bad for me and i still haven't i didn't even land yet and so we were watching the film the next day and i swear to god my coach replayed me getting hit in front of the team literally 45 times and everyone laughing at me like it was it was a good moment anyways so anyways no apparently the trailer for fuck boy or f boy island just dropped and i'm getting a lot of texts from it i can't wait to see it um so go check that out today. And I can't post about it yet because I'm doing my podcast, which is

much more important to me. But check out the F. Boy Island trailer that came out today. Noah, what is your worst injury? My worst one was I injured my small toe in a jiu jujitsu class.

Is that your pinky toe? Yeah. I think we refer to that as the pinky toe. Sorry. My pinky toe. Well, you know what? I injured my third smallest toe. It's so small.

It's not even a pinky toe. It's almost like non-existent. But you have a very, very small one. Yeah. It's tiny. Looks like a clit. Yeah. I got a little guy too.

A little tiny clit yeah but it was so inconvenient because it was winter time i couldn't wear like to wear shoes was painful i had to like you know um what's the word like like it's as if it like disabled my whole leg and it was a little stupid tiny toe that created two weeks of inconvenience and i couldn't train and i and my coach was like where have you been the last two weeks and i was like oh you know i had a a toe injury and he's those are the worst because you can't put a cast on it yeah and he's like your toe you yeah yeah that's the problem yeah you're like you might as well just like cut it off because it's only getting like it's but it does you need it for balance and you're right you learn how much

your little toe matters yeah when you do injure it it's like that it's a big part of your life because you're putting pressure on it all day yeah it does suck that it's so small and so you can't bring it up like that sucks when something does hurt but you're too shy to bring it up are you are you that tiger from that is it just yeah is it just skin cancer oh it's melanoma like it's like no i'm sorry i don't have liver cancer sorry i don't yeah have something big you fucking well that's that's what how i feel about mental illness is no one ever looks at it like uh oh you got that your brain did that to you it's always like why are you not eating why do you think you're god why do you why are you addicted to alcohol it's never like oh my it's

never the same as we really need to look at it like you caught something and that's what a lot of people write to me about um their daughters or sons who are struggling with an eating disorder and what they need to say to them and my biggest advice is always you and your son or daughter need to look at it like you are possessed like the exorcist go watch the exorcist and think of anorexia as that as as the devil and then you all need to fight against that not blame the daughter or son for this decision because it's not up to them that they're not eating you need to all combat this like it's a separate entity and don't downplay it either that's the first yeah yeah well that's no up play it say it's very severe and it's saying yeah and it's like it's like cancer like you wouldn't go why do you

have cancer like my dad probably would to my mom he'd be like why will you eat splenda like he'd probably blame her but um that's a thing i should work out in therapy with my new therapist what about your bottom one nikki thanks noah my bottom one is uh it's kind of a two i was thinking a twofold thing it happened the same time in my life. I was jumping over a fence, drunkenly wasted, um, in Columbia, Missouri.

I was, I was doing a guest set for Jim Florentine show in 2004. And my sister was with us. It was me and my sister, Greg Warren, Jim Florentine, and another girl at her apartment complex in Columbia after a show wasted, sneaking into a um

a pool jumping over a large fence my flip-flop went to the side and i was like i've got it i went first i went over my flip-flop went to the side slammed my heel on the pavement did not feel it until the next morning and i uh broke my heel which is the hardest bone to break in your body it's like the thickest bone oh your little didn little heel. Didn't realize it until weeks later. I got crutches, got a boot, got everything, but didn't go to the doctor because my parents said it was just bruised and that I was over-exaggerating.

I was living with my parents at the time. I was working at CPK, California Pizza Kitchen. I was walking around with gel inserts to make it better. Finally went to the doctor and they were like, yeah, you broke your heel. This is really impossible to do. How far did you fall?

All these things. And it was like a whole thing. Another the same time i was also oh actually that's a couple years later but let me just add this on to it i was getting a um a brazilian wax from a girl that i met and i was she was doing it was like her she had just started this business of like waxing she just got her esthetician's license something happened during it i got uh wax for the first time my boyfriend was coming to visit from new york and visit me so i won my pussy wax my parents were out of town we were gonna have the house to ourselves i for whatever reason this is really gross i'm so sorry every single hair follicle where i would used to have

hair follicles turned into a a white head like a pussing white head. So I had to go around and like pop each of them. Hundreds, hundreds, thousands, perhaps all over my vagina. I mean, it was the grossest thing I've ever witnessed. Couldn't have sex.

I had to put a cover over it to have sex. It was painful to have sex, but I still wanted to have sex because I was just trying to please him and, and needed sex to validate myself at the time. Got infected, got a staph infection, which my parents told me was a bug bite. Cause it was like,

there was one on the, like near my belly button, like kind of up on my happy trail, one on my lower thigh that I could show my parents in one of my butt. And I was like, these, it was after my, the other stuff had healed.

And I was like, these hurt so bad. They were like, it looks like a bug bite. Just go in an Epson salt bath. It wasn't going away. The pain of these bites was shooting pain these hurt so bad. They were like, it looks like a bug bite. Just go in an Epsom salt bath. It wasn't going away. The pain of these bites was shooting pain throughout my whole body. Like it was just a weird kind of like down my leg, you know.

Went to the doctor and she was like, oh my God, you have MRSA. I got MRSA, which can kill you. And you need to be like quarantined when you have it. I went to San Francisco, took the meds. One of the bumps popped on the plane it was the best feeling of my life because it like just instant relief um but that was the worst injury because it was all done for vanity and sucked okay best injury andrew i do love that you still had sex with him like you played through you played i was a sex addict yeah

it's so amazing it's like a football player playing with a broken leg. Worst, best injury, Andrew? Best injury, I would have to say getting stabbed. It was, you know. Yeah, with a bulletproof vest on. Yeah, I was visiting my brother at Tulane. I'll just tell it quick, but I was visiting my brother at Tulane. His roommate was an ex-Navy SEAL.

He had a bulletproof vest in his closet i tried it on he goes look it's knife proof and he stabbed me and it went through the vest and into my chest and he was i think i stabbed you it was just millimeters away you would have probably my lung would have collapsed and i i would have i would have died i thought my heart was pumping blood because the star spangled banner he he we went to the emergency room. He told me I had to tell the cop. Wait. Noah and I are very... What?

You thought your heart was pumping blood because of the Star Spangled Banner? Because I got stabbed on the left side. He got stabbed on the left side of his chest. And so when you... It's the Pledge of Allegiance, by the way. When you sing the Pledge of Allegiance, you put your hand on your heart.

You do it with the Star Spangled Banner, too. Okay, whatever. So that makes sense. I love that we had to decipher what this meant. But it's true. Your heart is more in the center of your chest. So he thought where he got stabbed was where he put his hand

for the Pledge of Allegiance slash Star Spangled Banner. It wasn't though. He thought because on the left side, it was his heart that was stabbed, but it wasn't. It was his lung and your heart is more in the center of your chest.

Yes. Turns out the Navy SEAL was not a Navy SEAL. He was the lead singer of a band that Andrew then saw the next night, oddly enough, on stage. He had to lie to the cops about being stabbed because the Navy SEAL came in and threatened him. So he said that a dog attacked him, and he was trying to get the dog away and accidentally stabbed himself. And the cops kind of believed it, but didn't at all. And that's the story, right? And he was never a Navy and uh that that's the story right and he was never a navy seal he lied he was never a navy seal yep and uh yeah and then and then you went to tulane because that visit was so exciting you decided well i met a girl i met a girl the next night and showed her i got stabbed and we went

home together but i wouldn't have sex with her because I thought she would have AIDS. Do you have a scar? Yeah, I have a scar. From that stab? It's right there. Let's see. It's a puncture. I asked them to slash me because it would look cooler. Yeah, you should get a tattoo of like a scar. Noah, your best injury. Okay, my best

injury also involves my toe but involves my big toe. Oh my God, it's a toe off. Jeez. So I look at toe, meaning your thumb toe. What is your big toe? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, we don't have a name for that one. That is weird that the pinky transfers, but the thumb does not. Although Andrew, your, your thumbs look like big toes.

So maybe it's your, your, we should just call thumbs, big toes, thumb toes so i was a teenager and i had just get knocked down and then no one gets up again actually same era i had gotten la gear sneakers remember those and i was like yeah the light ups cute and but they were i guess like too tight like a size too

small and my big toe ended up getting infected and I remember being at my friend's house and I'm just like oh my god my toe just feels so swollen and I pushed on the nail and like all this puss came out it like popped out oh like Nikki's i'm so sorry to anyone listening but if you survived nikki's story you could live through this yeah my pussy was pussy pussy i'm sorry my pussy was pussy i had a pussy pussy so so you had a pussy tote it so you push on the toe and why is this the best one is that you like pus well it's the best one because it created this like click sound that i can still hear in my head. And then after I just like was like, oh, gross.

I'm like, I wiped it off and then the toe healed. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to go to the doctor or anything. So that's why it was the best one. Okay, that is a good story. When you can heal yourself. Okay, my best injury is the one I've given myself over and over by scalping off my wart on my knee. And I love it so much right i forgot my scalpel on this trip so i might go order some more on amazon to have them delivered

to this hotel that i might not be staying at because i'm gonna blackmail them um but i love my warts yes confession nikki you posted a photo on instagram um holding the gibson and i was like trying to look for it on your knee but i couldn't see oh oh yeah you can see it in that you can see it on that on a picture hold on let me show you i think you can because i maybe actually i i picked one that you couldn't because i was like oh yeah you can okay if you zoom in on my um picture of holding the gibson in the stairwell it is on my right knee and it's a little it's really dark because i put on um tanning stuff and the tanning stuff made the scar over it get darker and so right now it's like brown and you can see it and

i just slice it off every four days and um and i love it it's my favorite injury i love removing warts i really i'm serious if any fans have warts you can maybe get a backstage pass for me and i mostly want to do women let me just say to women fans if you have a callous or if you have a wart on the bottom of your foot that you would like me to treat um i and uh you sign over the for me to attack it with a scalpel a clean one um that i will not give you mercer with you know i try not to uh you can write to me on instagram we can work out a plan but that is also not the best MRSA with, you know, I try not to, you can write to me on Instagram. We can work out a plan. But that is also not the best way to get to meet me. You can also buy meet and greets.

But I definitely need to be doing this more often in my life. Let's get to final thought. Andrew, I'm going to ask you to tell this story. It's a sensitive one, but I think our listeners need to hear it because we were laughing so hard on Saturday night because at the after party the casino had an after party for me called the nikki glazer after party and it was at um after my show

at this bar in the casino really nice bar they had like this quarantine section for me with ropes velvet ropes and i go i don't need to sit there it looks ridiculous i'm an exhibit at a art museum because the place was not crowd enough to have a vip so i go let me just sit over here it looks like i should have a plaque like nikki glazer speech a human like you know it's so funny when someone has a table at a at a place that isn't crowded it's like you spend yeah and i go no no no i'm just gonna go over to this other section be amongst the people and andrew got this this is a thing that happens sometimes at shows that really annoys me. And I get it.

But sometimes there are fans of Andrew's that come to my shows and they want to make it very clear to me that they didn't come for me. And they came for Andrew. And it's happened to me as an opener as well. People have done this to me when I open for different comedians. They would ignore the headliner when we would walk in somewhere and go, you were amazing to me just to like rub it in the headliner's face that they didn't, I didn't come for you. You get enough attention. So this girl, I walked in this club and this girl comes, Andrew's next to me and she comes up to Andrew and is like, I have a table of girls that need to meet you. They love you so much and totally ignores me.'t even be like great show hey we like andrew just like so okay so okay definitely not besties these are puddle heads for sure and they came over

they could be both i don't care if you don't like me i literally literally please come to the shows if you're a fan of andrew and like come like just stay for him and then leave after me i don't i don't care but just if you witness me don't be rude unless i've done something to actually hurt your feelings confront me about it don't just be rude and ignore me so i have feelings too and so this girl comes up to andrew and this girl has definitely like a maybe spinal disorder she's kind of like hunched over and like has a has some kind of affliction like a bone thing maybe spina bifida or some version of that. Cute, adorable girl. And she comes up to Andrew

and she goes, there's a bachelor party. They want to meet you. And they're in this like section. And so I, he goes off with this woman and goes to meet this girl. I had a thought too

that they sent her over because there's no way I would tell her no. You know what I mean? Like a girl with spina bifida. No, I think that she was just a girl. If you live with a condition like that,

you either stay inside because you're so scared of people talking about you or you just turn it off and you don't care anymore. Oh yeah. She was awesome. Yeah. She was awesome. And you could tell this girl just had a lot of confidence and like, didn't,

didn't, wasn't worried about what we might think based on her physical appearance and i really actually like that about her but she was rude to not say anything to me and it had nothing to do with her condition she was just rude so she she shakes andrew over to this group of girls one of them is wearing a bachelorette like sash across you know it's a group of rowdy girls and he goes over to meet them are were they puddle heads how did they know you from uh girls gotta eat or something i don't know they i didn't get into that no okay i'm sure they made some comment to you of like you were the best or something like that even though you know it's i i'm sure they did that you sound

chill about it yeah yeah yeah no i'm not chill about it i think it's really rude and i've seen it it has happened to me as an opener before so i know what happens to you all the time but i don't get off on that by the way no no we don't get off on it no one likes that but it's it's just a way for them to be like i like you not her so i go over there and it's a bachelorette party um they uh they're not that rude they're not that fucked up you know they're they're pretty with it and the girl goes you know this was a great show you know in despite of what you think of what, because I didn't say anything to you. They said,

this was unbelievable. I'm so happy that I got entertainment. This is the first live show we saw. You guys were incredible, including you, Nikki, not on you though. And,

and no, and they were very nice. And the one goes, well, I'm going to see Dave Matthews and I'm going to see him three matthews and i'm gonna see him three times we have more in common than we think yeah yeah they're probably besties so anyway so then i go i go to her i go oh that's cool she's like well i actually did see some live stuff i go oh what did you see and she was probably like the music was blasting and she was like three feet away from me and she

looks at me and she goes i you know and she's just i could just see her mouth and she was like three feet away from me and she looks at me and she goes i you know and she's just i could just see her mouth moving she's like i could just see her make out the the r word an r word and then and then i saw them dancing i thought she said and i go oh i go okay cool i was like i go what And she goes and she says it again And I go yeah alright That's cool she's like yeah And I go what It's like one of those circumstances where you literally Had to ask her it was getting to the point where it was like

I asked her like four times And what she was What I thought she was saying was so absurd And then she clearly says to you What you clearly hear twice At least twice is retards Dancing I, at least twice, is retards dancing. Yeah. I saw one live show.

I saw retards dancing. And you said back to her, because you've now confirmed it twice that you heard retards dancing. And you say back, retards dancing? And they say what? She goes, no. I forgot the second word, but she said, no. I saw race cars. Race cars. I don't know

what I got wrong with dancing probably race cars race cars racing probably she said yes something like that yes so she was saying race cars but it did sound like retards dancing which by the way no one used I don't even use that word I've this is the only time

I've used it because it's contextual to the story and you came back to tell me about it it reminded me of old renegade because I don't even use that word. This is the only time I've used it because it's contextual to the story. And you came back to tell me about it. It reminded me of Old Renegade because how could it possibly be that? But you also, and then we told the story to Anya because the irony is is this girl had a spinal affliction

that I'm guessing at some point in her life, if she's had it for a long time, mean people in school have used that word for her. And she's been probably bullied with that race car. She's been bullied with that word before, which is just so sad to think. But the irony is that you, this woman was there

that's probably been bullied with that word, even though it had nothing to do, she's not mentally handicapped whatsoever, but people are stupid. And when they see someone who's physically handicapped sometimes they just say that word so you use the word that this woman has probably been tortured with her whole life accidentally while you're trying to hear what she's saying to you well she wasn't saying her friend was saying it but still she was right next

to her she was there but they were all cool and they laughed about it they laughed i think yes they laughed about it and i i wanted to like whisper i wanted to walk over and go are you saying you know because i didn't want to start yelling it what if the music stopped and now i'm just saying the next time i think you should just say i just can't hear you like you should instead of saying retards dancing because that seems crazy that anyone would say that however i do want to say i was telling Anya the story, and we were laughing so hard that you thought they were saying they saw retards dancing, but it was really race cars racing.

And I said to her, I go, actually, the girl wasn't wrong because she did see that because we all danced at the end of the show. And that is exactly what it looked like. Because our dance was so bad. I was like, the ironic part is that she did see retards like because our dance was so bad. I was like, the, the ironic part is that she did see retards dancing and it was us trying to

remember this dance at the end of the show that no one wanted that Anya and I were both wearing way too short of skirts to be doing. And it was, so I'm sorry I use that word a lot. If anyone's offended by that word, I don't use it in my normal life. It was only for the sake of the story. Shout out to those girls. If you're besties, I love you and i'm sorry maybe you were just nervous that's why you didn't say hi to me thank you for listening to the show today we have

so many more stories from this weekend to tell you this week is going to be amazing i'm uh check out the f boy island trailer that just dropped i'm sure you're going to see it on my instagram keep sending us voice memos and messages thank you Meeting you guys for the first time this week, some of you, was everything that I wanted it to be. You are so amazing. You're my favorite fans I've ever had in my life. I want to do this show forever. I really appreciate you. Get others involved that you think deserve to be in our group and a bestie.

And with that, don't be care. And we'll see you tomorrow. It's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good.

You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different.

Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world.

Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.