The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #67 The Midnight Hour

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

Between you and Nikki her day was spent among stars of screen and stage. Andrew had an eruption in the middle of the night. He might be suffering the "the real cheese". Nikki raises her trauma from the male orgasm and Andrew gives his two cents. You Heard if Here First: Nikki gives her take on the WOWO Bachelorette challenge, more sympathy for ledge heads and divorced parents who live near each other. They sample Esther Perel's new board game Where Do We Begin? and only understand half the prompts. Andrew is reminded of a time he got a bad eyebrow wax and they talk about hot selfies vs asking others to take a photo to post on Instagram. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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in partnership with Deep blue sports and entertainment. Listen to welcome to the party. That's P A R T E E on the I heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. The Nikki Glaser podcast. Here's Nikki Here I am Oh man, mine was a little shaky Here I am It's early guys What is it? It's 7.19 in the morning in Los Angeles

I'm up Noah, wait, you're in Arizona You guys don't switch time zones So you're same right now Yeah, I'm the same as you And then we're gonna fall back and you're in Arizona. You guys don't switch time zones. So you're same right now. Yeah, I'm the same as you. And then we're going to fall back and you're going to stay where you are. At some point, we're going to be before you. Okay, now I'm confused.

Is that the Arizona way? Arizona doesn't do time zones. You guys don't do daylight saving. Yeah, we're mountain time. Mountain person. But right now you're Pacific time. Yep. So you just said you're mountain time. But sometimes you're mountain, sometimes're mountain time. Mountain person. But right now you're Pacific time. Yep. So you just said you're mountain time,

but sometimes you're mountain, sometimes you're Pacific. I don't know. I just, you know what? Honestly, I'm in so many different time zones because I work East, like I have family and stuff. East Coast, work with people. Pacific time, you're in Central time. I'm all over the place.

I know. There is no time. It's unbelievable how much confusion it can cause and how basic math can evade me when i'm figuring sometimes i just am like i do and i'm always someone who like makes the time the person i'm talking to is time because i don't i don't want them to have to do the math and then but then i do the math and it's all wrong and then they think i'm doing my time because most people talk from their own time zone space and it's just a big old mess um it's early i got like six and a half hours six hours of sleep that's pretty good i feel like seven seven or eight is like what people need right that's like what they people like people are like yeah that's

what you yeah so i feel good about that i mean yesterday was a long day i have the longest day today yesterday was a short day i'm doing a tv show that i can't say that i'm on but um it's a show that's been on forever and um today is a i think i get out hair and makeup arrives at 8 30 so i've got this is gonna be a shorter podcast today guys just a warning it's gonna be a little over an hour and then i i got in trouble yesterday though because hair and makeup so i went from doing the podcast right into a fitting for the two looks that I needed for yesterday's part of the show and today's part of the show. I looked slamming. My stylist killed it.

Worth the money. So good. I felt like so stylish. I got so many compliments from like people who know fashion like really well on the show. And they're like, where's that top? And I'm just like, I don't know. I literally like where's that top and i'm just like i don't know i literally like stand there and yesterday i was like getting my hair makeup done we were running late and they were putting earrings in my ear i didn't even know what earrings i was wearing

i just held out a hand and they put the rings on very glamorous fashion egg can i drop a fashion egg well for the people on the show to compliment you is huge yes because they're very much aware of good fashion right okay i can drop a fashion egg because i'm gonna say something hold on let me just hold on because i first of all i had to learn all new terminology to work on this show because it's a it's a culture like i'm not i've been using the word privy a lot and i said it yesterday twice in just conversation i go i think i'm probably gonna bust out a privy tomorrow on the show if i could predict it and i just yeah i'm not privy to their conversation i don't know why privy is in my head sometimes sometimes i just get new vocab words and it just sticks

um and so i had to like really do a lot of research so I could be a proper ally to the people who make and are on the show and the culture around the show. But they were like, people were flipping for my outfit yesterday. It felt so good. And I just said to, and I was talking to a guy on the show that, um, who is always very fashionable. And I go, what do you do? Like, do you have stylists? Like, this is kind of, um, it's too expensive for me to like exist in this business anymore because I need to look good every time I do something that's like, you know, I used to

just hire my stylist for things that were, oh, a lot of eyes are on this. And now I'm getting asked to do things that every time it's a lot of eyes are on this and now i'm getting asked to do things that every time it's a lot of eyes on it and then um and i just feel the disappointment in my stylist voices when i'm like i'm gonna dress myself for this one they're like can can you can you just send us a couple pictures of what you have because we're just a little worried um today i'm wearing whitney cummings merch for her show good for you she is the best merch we're getting merch too i just approved a t-shirt design yesterday that is going to the shop to print it will be available on tour i hope it will be available in my merch store on

my website i think there's still stuff up there like we're just like clear clearing house so if you go on my website and look at the merch you can go buy some stuff that like old merch but it's all really cute as shit i make sure the designs are like actually wearable and don't say like a punchline that there's no context nothing bothers me more than a comedian's shirt that has some kind of joke that you're like even the person who saw the show maybe that night they're drunk and they buy the shirt. And they're like, I love that punchline. The punchline's like, well, I didn't say a cow could buy it. And it's like, okay. And you're like, oh, my God, that's a great, I loved that joke.

I'm going to buy the shirt. And then your friends go, what is this? I didn't say a cow could buy it. What is that joke? And you're like, I don't really know. I don't remember. Like I said yesterday, you don't remember funny jokes. And so, God god some people's

merch is just terrible i just can't believe the confidence some people fucking have in this business i was talking to fortune feimster last night about it we ran into each other at supernova i did two sets last night after a long ass day and um but it was really fun i got david spade on the the show. I made him come with me. We went to dinner and then I drug him over there. His set was so funny. He followed me. Like I went first, I brought him up. Then I went back and just sat at one of the tables and watched his set. And, um, I, my body made noises. I laughed in ways that I didn't, if laughs came out of me unpredictably and it was so fun and I was laughing so loud that people were turning around and I wasn't trying to

be one of those laughers. That's like, look at me. You just saw me on stage and now I'm back here laughing. Isn't it funny? Like, cause there were people looking like, Oh, Nikki Glaser's watching. Cause I, I brought him up. Like this is my favorite comedian ever funniest person I know David Spaden um so I was back there it just seemed like I was like showing off like see I told you I liked him but I was laughing I could not I could not believe how funny he was he has this joke where he's he tells he's like it's one of my favorite jokes because it's just so subtle and hilarious but he goes um i have one of his friends that just like anytime i take a pill like they're just like hey hey can you give me one like like any kind of pill like just you know these people that are just

like he's talking about heroin and how like fentanyl is the new heroin and like if you're a pussy if you do heroin i'm gonna just do heroin to take the edge off but like you know fentanyl's uh i think it's like a thousand times something stronger than heroin or something he's like couldn't we go like five times stronger we had to go a thousand that's like david spade's humor because yesterday do you hear about the 17 million gallons of human waste that was uh accidentally put into the ocean here, just dumped into the LA ocean, right? There was a plant that had a malfunction,

a clog because Andrew's been flushing his wipes. I'm serious. These clogs are caused by people flushing their goddamn wipes. The system overflowed. The plant was going to have like an explosion of shit, like everywhere flooding the streets, like flooding the plant. It would have been a total meltdown in this place. That was only,

I think it was like 15% of the human waste was 17 million gallons of the day's waste. 17 million gallons was purposefully let into the ocean to make sure that even more wasn't because they were about to have a plant shut down because it was flooding and so they dumped all the waste into the ocean 17 million gallons um over july 11th and 12th carlisle like went swimming in it over the weekend too like she was in like malibu swimming and i think it happened like a little further up but it was like 17 million gallons but spade was like i was on set all day yesterday so i didn't get this like la news bulletin until i got it to dinner and carl

was like did you hear about the 17 million gallons and spades like yeah they said it could have been worse because i read all the articles later too and it was like it could have been worse we did this to prevent worse and he goes 17 million feels like a lot like it's just like can we just acknowledge that like i get it could have been worse but 17 million like it's a lot but spade was talking about this guy that takes pills all the time and he's like i have a buddy that's just like every time i take a pill he's like hey man give me one come on and he goes dude you don't even know what this is this is like it's for my sinus infection he goes i don't care man i'm married just give me one like saying i'm married as a reason he goes come on he goes dude like i i can't like i can't you what is this gonna do it's just gonna make you like drowsy he goes i

don't care i have kids dude i just want to feel anything other than what i feel it's so funny to say i'm married as like a symptom it was just so perfect because he just did this character of this guy that's just like, dude, I'm just, I'm married. Like that explains it enough. I just thought it was like the funniest line. He has this whole bit about Fauci. He has all these jokes that I go, and he has his special take the hit,

which if you haven't heard it, it's from like the 90s. One of my favorite specials actually was a special that I got turned on to by the guy that I lost my virginity to uh when I was in Kansas City I was like uh you know really good friends with like the in my opinion and everyone's opinion the best joke writer in town I was just like he was just brilliant and cool and fun and had a girlfriend and uh that was attractive to me because i'm scared of intimacy and so it keeps the men in arms length and i lost my virginity to him but uh he was the one that was like have you seen david

spades take the hit and i was like no and then we listened to it and i just couldn't believe it and i i told spade i'm like bring those jokes back people don't even I want to hear those again those are the type of comedians joke a lot of comedians jokes you don't want to hear again because the surprise is taken out of it but his is so packed with like it's almost like a comedy movie you want to watch again and I was like yeah bring those back and like add more to it I don't know it's just I'm just so um but I was talking to Fortune Feimster about people that have so much confidence and um I feel oh we were talking about money and how what we do with it and how we manage it and she's someone that was saying that you know she she is very like looks at every, like knows every cent that's coming in, knows every cent that's leaving is almost like she, she gives the bill to her wife to, when they go out

to eat, because she'll be tempted to leave a lower tip because she grew up poor and grew up where her family had money and then spent it all, like squandered it in a way. And so she's constantly like monitoring it. So when I say to people, if you don't spread your wealth, stop listening to my podcast, I'm talking to fortune.

No, I, I do understand that there's a lot of psychological issues around money. Um, but if you have the ability, you need to find a way to surmount those and work it out. But it was just interesting. Cause I go fortune. I'm the opposite. You know, I'm the opposite. I want to give someone the bill so that they don't...

I don't even want to look at the bill. Most of the time I just go, I just write in a number that is way above and then I just don't even add it up because I don't want to see how much it is. Not because it stresses me out, but just I just don't want to look at money I just want a husband to do it that's what I really want a partner for and instead of being and you know I just told told you if you're frugal with money to like work on yourself so you're not I don't want to work on my money things I just want someone to come in because I was telling fortune I'm like I could be better about it and like you know force myself to look at my stuff educate myself I don't want to I just I'm not interested in it I just want a husband to do it or a wife or you know

like a partner that's why I have a business manager but I just want someone else to do the things I don't want to do Noah do you relate does does Avi do anything in your relationship that you're like, I'm really glad there's someone to take this role because if I was a single person, it wouldn't be getting done? Yes. Yeah? And that, it's negotiating. Because I'm such a pushover when it comes to that. Like, I just want to pay people whatever they ask. Yeah. But sometimes people ask for hire, expecting you to negotiate them down. So he's like,

whenever we do stuff like that, like if we have to take the car, like the mechanic, or now we're hiring people to work on the house, like a plumber or whatever. Yeah. You just moved into a new house. Yes.

I'm like, I'll make the appointment, but you deal with it because I can't. Yeah. I'll just give them whatever they want i do yeah i do the same i give them more i'm like you know what i'll give you what you want plus if you do a good job i'll like give you i always do that and it's it's and i was we were talking about is it about control too like do i like to pay do i like to be generous so that people owe me

something or they like me more and I don't think it's that I really think it's like get this money away from me I don't like having this much and it makes me feel like I'm gonna owe if I have too much money it's just gonna I don't know I'm complaining about stuff that I'm sure people are like shut the fuck up we don't want to hear about how much money you have. And you can't look at it. It's just a, there's just things that bubble up that I'm just like, man, a husband would be nice. Like this weekend when that guy was creepy, like someone who cares about me beyond I'm

paying them to care about me. Cause that, you know, I have an assistant who's like caters to my needs when she's on the clock. I have friends who open for me who are there to kind of mitigate, but essentially they don't, and they do love me, but they don't, they, they also, um, have their own lives and I just want someone, but that, that, again, that brings me back to the narcissist thing, Noah, like of, do i want some am i i want someone to take care of me am i willing to take care of someone else and i think i am i want to i want to i'm not going to look at anyone's

money but i'll do things that i'm good at i don't i don't really know what i'm good at i mean a couple sex stuff things man on stage last night i was talking about the people just are horrified by the things i admit on stage i don't know what's wrong with me like they were I have this new bit that I stumbled into last night and it's it opened something up that really

resonated with people and I'm gonna like bite my tongue and not share it but it was nice to like stumble into something because I was just in I was following like Bill Burr was in there. I always get so nervous when Bill Burr's in there. Spade is watching me. I'm just like,

can you guys like, I mean, I, I really asked Spade, I'm like, can you not watch me? And then it's like a whole thing of like, you have to,

I have to go leave now. And I'm like, you know what? Just fucking stay. I'll just like disappoint you. And you'll probably not want to go to 10 with me again. Let's get Andrew in here. And just, uh,

I'm rambling a lot today uh but it's gonna be a fun show catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts good people what's up? It's Questo, Questlove

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Top of the arch to you. Arch it up. Arch it up. David Archuleta. I love him Oh my god his song Crush Is one of my favorites He had the single right after he

Got second on American Idol I don't know what he placed But it's like It's called Crush and it's great And it's one of the most underrated pop songs And I really recommend it If anyone out there likes David Archuleta. So, great poll.

How'd you sleep last night? I slept good until I got the midnight shits. Oh, no. My God. Midnight shits. Wait, was it from the chicken salad the night before? It's 3 a.m. I must be shitting.

Wait, what? Okay, so you woke up, rumbly tummy. It's 3 a.m. I must be shitting. Wait, what? Okay, so you woke up, rumbly tummy. Yeah, you know. Were you with friends? Yeah, I was with Bren Brens. I felt kind of weird. And then you went in the bathroom.

Has she heard you shit? Has she heard your asshole clear out before? She's heard my stand up, yeah. No. um she's heard my stand-up yeah um no uh she she um i i told her when i came back to bed that i had the shits and so i'm very open about it but you know the shit sucked because your brain is not awake it's not like a a brain awake of your sleep you're still asleep and you're zombying up and it was one of those shits have you ever had it where you poop you get back in bed then you gotta poop you think you're done you think you're finished and then you're right again no yeah oh i've never had midnight shits

no i mean unless i was like sick and then your body like wakes you up i mean i i guess your body had to get something out what did what i'm guessing you ate some shit yesterday something gross um i had cauliflower pizza oh that's well the way you say it's gross but um i just cauliflower really it bothers me yeah cauliflower wait you say collie too, don't you, Noah? It's just like a child, biscetti and cauliflower. It's just like how

a baby would say cauliflower pizza. You love that cauliflower pizza. Cauliflower. And you say cauliflower. You say li. Cauliflower. There is an I in there. Like Robert E. Lee. I know, but it's ca-li. The I is a li. a lot of people say cauliflower and i just think it just sounds

a little bit like pollyanna like oh mama are you making cauliflower pizza than that like it's just a little like how fun is that it is pretty fun um but yeah so that was that was entertaining you know i used to have when my parents were going through you can say that but i don't i don't know about if that was so that was fun forever yeah that was a great time yeah the toilet was it fun for the bowl uh tail feathers no um when i when i was a kid i would um when my parents were going through the divorce this is how it like it would show in my body is through horrible stomach pain so bad that i had to check to see if i had stomach cancer i like went to a doctor and drank that like white

goo or whatever yeah like the paste yeah and um every night literally every night for like two years i had to i woke up in the middle of night having to having the midnight shits for like two years every single night i think what was going on is not cauliflower pizza i think you are stressed about something something's something's bumming you out something and i think you probably know what it is to probably don't want to share it with us but something's going on for you because that's a that's a total stress response your parents were going through a divorce you woke up with your body the body keeps the score boy i agree but i also think anytime i eat cheese your boy splats oh that cauliflower pizza didn't have vegan cheese no it had regular cheese

Is dairy that good You don't care about dairy You just get some diet stuff Get the pizzas that are vegan Oh they have that With cauliflower at Whole Foods Maybe It just might be a regular crust

Why the cauliflower So it's less calories so you can eat two pizzas Instead of one slice. Three. Yeah. Right. Gotcha. Tricked you.

You really got me. Do you just like the cauliflower crust for the taste or it's, it's, I'm guessing it's just, Oh yeah, of course. It's, it's like anything you're substituting.

I don't want the carbs. I don't want the gluten. Um, yeah, I want to be healthier sure so I eat cauliflower is it way healthier maybe not mentally placebo wise yes it helps me out yes yes but it sounds like you're suffering from the real cheese later on

in the midnight hour in the midnight runs what's that song midnight midnight fuck it's the guy with the beard, the white beard. I don't know. It's the guy with the beard. What did you do yesterday?

Fuck. What is it? It doesn't matter. No one cares. Yeah. It's about sex. He loses his virginity to the girl, I think. Anyhow.

No. I lost my virginity 16 years ago yesterday. I realized July 13th is always a special day to me. It's when it all began. What did you do yesterday? How did you lose your virginity again? What was it? One more time.

A guy, a Kansas City comic who I was friends with, just had a girlfriend, but I know was like i know i just need to get this shit over with and i really liked him and he really liked me and i felt safe and we talked about it and it was a very it was a great losing your virginity you know it was like simple i was surprised at when he came he like ran into the bathroom really quickly but i think it was because he had to like get the condom off or something but i just remember the scramble to the bathroom i was like what just happened but i think it's because he had to like get the condom off or something but I just remember the scramble to the bathroom I was like what just happened but I think it's because he had to take off the condom I don't know

I don't know I just remember being like oh I guess after sex guys run to the bathroom maybe he ate some dairy maybe he had this shit the whole time having sex with you up my puss that he took a little bite of

you couldn't put a string cheese up my puss that he took a little bite of. I mean, a lot of guys. You couldn't put a string cheese up your vagina. Easily. I mean, I don't know about easily. It's kind of like a flackid penis. I say flackid because I think that's the right way to be pronounced. I know it's flaccid. I mean, that's wild.

I know, but I remember. Whatever you just said there. I remember Kelsey Grammer going on some show, you know, like Frasier, saying that culinary should be pronounced culinary and flaccid should be pronounced flackid because it's a double C and has a hard K sound. I think he's probably wrong,

but I just wanted to throw that in there. Remember the time I, did I tell you I put a gummy worm up my vagina i just headed in my puss lips so that uh when i was picking up ex-boyfriend up from the airport and i knew he would finger me like right away and he loved gummy worms and so i thought it would be hilarious for him to like finger me as soon as he got in the car and then pull out a gummy like his favorite favorite gummy. I mean, that's insane. That's fun. That's funny.

That's fun. It is very funny. It is very funny. And the funniest part is it started out as a gummy bear, and then you put it in there. No, wait. So, wait. Gummy crabs.

Oh, wait. Was he turned on? No, I don't think he was. I think he was already turned on so he was just like get this thing out of the way and like i'm not ready to laugh that's the thing guys don't like like to laugh when they're horny i mean that could cause a disease probably i mean you're throwing gummies in there what if he his flight was delayed would you keep it in uh no i know because it's no i mean probably who cares first of all don't tell me it's gonna cause a disease

you're getting people girls get like random dicks rubbed on that like you're putting stuff down there all the time don't tell me and sometimes like a tampon you don't know where that's well i guess it's been in packaging and then you open it but you put things up there that are not gonna be safe sometimes sometimes your sex toys you don't clean them properly like you know me i i just it's not gonna give you any just i just i did a joke last night it fucking worked so well thank god about how people will get the flu and be like i sat next to a baby on this plane and this fucking baby i got on the flu and it's like or you swallowed cum like you literally inject you were licking someone's balls could that be it like it's always just like you blame it on just oh this woman coughed i mean the joke doesn't

really work as well with like covid but that was always funny to me when people are such germaphobes yet they'll eat ass it just that's so like oh my god my toothbrush touched the floor like it fell on the floor like i was talking to someone about how you keep the toothbrush in the shower and how basically germ wise that doesn't concern me because i'm sure most people would be like that's so gross your body dirt rubs off and i go but then the water is like right like that's i'm sure his toothbrush is cleaner than ones that you leave by your sink that are like next to your toilet where it's spraying poo everywhere and though you know and at the midnight hour so I bet like I bet a germologist would come in and say actually the shower

toothbrush is probably cleaner and like less germy but the thing about the toothbrush in the shower is just optically it's not that's I don't want my friend having his toothbrush in a shower because it just shows to me that like that's not good self-care. It's like this simple – you know what I mean? It's just not a good look. But in terms of germs, I think you're right. I don't think it's a big deal at all. Should I put it – I should put it on something.

Sure. I should get a shelf. I'm going to order an Amazon shower shelf today. That's my goal today. That's my one goal. That's my one goal. Okay, that's good. What else you got going today? I got Pilates at four.

And that's about it. Let's get to the news. I can't even. So jealous. I have a great life though I get to dress up and put on makeup and make TV

which is so exciting and I love it look you can do exactly what I do baby you can Pilates it up today well then I couldn't pay for you to do Pilates all day

well make a decision you wouldn't be in that apartment if if I didn't do the jobs I was doing. I would be here for another year. Off what you have right now, we could be here for another year. I'm saying I got to that place where I could afford that apartment for you to live in with me. Because I work these crazy hours.

I'm a workaholic. Yeah, I mean, that's what you'd tell yourself, but you don't have to work quite as much to afford this place. That's true. And we all know I'm making $7,000 for these two days of work that are 20 hours of work,

and I also am spending about $9,000 to do the show. So I'm spending $2,000 to work 20 hours. Are you saying I can't do Pilates today? Because you lost money today? I really need you. I need you to do a promo code and maybe promote them to get it at half price. I saw you with a promo code.

Hey, alright. Get to the news! Let's get to the news. Apparently. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. I mean, I honestly think These people stole this from you The Bachelorette Katie Thurston

Pitches Operation Woo Woo A week off Wacking off Of whacking off Yeah Challenge against And fans are not loving this Apparently

They say you're sex positive Yet you're keeping guys from coming Yeah so she's pretty much telling the guys on the show no more jerking off for like a week but you can't really monitor she's like no more long showers no more you know i don't know where else they're going to do it and the fantasy like don't break into the fantasy suite before you know and jerk one like into chris harrison's abandoned green room or whatever the fuck you can't jerk off you can't really monitor it the guys are like oh what you

know they got all the reaction shots from the guys probably learning that one of you know from something else you know they're probably like katie's only going katie's canceling the cocktail party and all the guys are like what and then they took those reactions and were like we can't jerk off I mean like is a week that hard to go everyone a lot of people wrote me about this and was like she's doing your thing and I'm like um I don't I the thing is it's so upsetting to me that I don't think this is a good idea because the how much these guys are going to be into her and I'm saying this for myself it's going to be based on the fact that they have a lot of cum in their balls like I don't want a guy's attraction and love for me to be dependent on whether he jerked off or not and that is essentially what attraction is like it's so upsetting to me to to realize that men don't like you as much when

they don't have come in their balls when they've come and why would you ever allow your man to come then like i just i don't ever want my partner to orgasm because you just said two different things right there i know but why is it but that sucks that i have to do that. It sucks that the attraction to me is dependent on whether this guy shot out some white goo. Wait, when were you talking about white goo? That you use to see if you have stomach cancer. Doodles? Look, this is the thing. If I come, yes, I'm not going to want to fuck as much.

But that doesn't take away my, and I know you'm not going to want to fuck as much, but that doesn't take away my, and I know you're not going to believe this, but as a guy, it doesn't take away my love for the girl or me wanting to be with her or hang out with her or cuddle with her. It really doesn't take away from that. Third one, cuddle, bullshit. Guys are so much cuddlier when they have come in their balls don't tell me i understand

the love and the devotion all that is like still there what i'm talking about what i love in a relationship is when a guy looks at me with uh desire when he um i get i like compliments my love languages are compliments and physical touch. Those are two things that are, honestly, I would say 50%, at least compliments is 50% you get more when a guy has no cum in his balls. At least 50% more compliments. No, has cum in his balls. Has cum in his balls. Has, sorry, has.

And touching, I would say, goes up 1,000% if he has cum in his balls. So it just bothers me that that's the thing and and so i truly just like i don't i get like really bummed i i love when someone i always like when guys come i like to like wait to have my like fourth orgasm with them finishing like i like to be like okay i usually they're like come one more time and then i'll come and i'm like no can i like wait till you because it's so hot to me when you do it but at the same time it's like there's a little bit of sadness in me because i'm like oh the energy that i felt just 20 minutes ago from you it's just it's just not as it's not there anymore well i guess i guess the beauty of it is my stomach he he's got he's gonna recomb

you know what i mean it'll build up again but it takes four days like you know it's no for me it takes four days for an average male probably takes two days tops so yeah so one day you're not days well then that's that's you got to be more patient with the calm i think you got to be more patient i think i think you got to have an understanding that the love doesn't go away just because he's not complimenting me as much i can handle that for out of without a day i mean i think right i think what happens is you combine those two of like love for you and compliments are not the same thing but that's my love language so that is how i process change it to spanish or something i don't

i don't know what to tell you i don't know either i just really noah do you struggle with that like after sex like you just find that your partner isn't as like sweet and like loving yes and we've talked about it like in the beginning of my relationship it definitely like raised some concern for me but we talked about it and it's just kind of so it's just like a build-up of his chi and you know and and the release of it but it has nothing to do with attraction even though we've had many many conversations about it and i needed the reassurance about the the change of mood afterwards the change of demeanor the overall vibe it's girls girls and also i'm sure men who date men and maybe are more like have more um feminine qualities also feel this as well from their

male partners who just whether or not can you say then can't you say then oh it's a biological thing it happens to every guy it's not me it's not like you should be able to rationalize it i don't think it's me okay well not you whatever or like so it's him but it's not him it's just biology so then that should justify no i know i have a lot of sympathy or empathy for these maybe more sympathy because i i just i i think that must be hard for a guy to because you've felt it before and i don't know what that's like to i've actually i do know what it's like to have my attraction stop on a dime or turn. Like I'll be into someone and they'll say something or do something.

And I'm like, I hate you now. Like I literally am repulsed by you. It just went from me wanting to hold your hand and be close to you to the smell of you makes me sick because you just said some, you know, you told me you voted for Trump or, you know, something like that. That's just like, oh, and that feeling sucks. When I, when I felt that, you know, it used to be for guys who were available. I would pursue a guy and pursue a guy who had a girlfriend or wasn't into me. Finally, he flips and he's like, I like you. And it would literally happen in us. I remember in high school,

I was in love with Doug Reese. It was like my identity. I love Dave Matthews band and Doug Reese. Everyone knew it. He was my best friend. We hung out all the time. It was so weird. He was my best friend, but everyone knew I was in love with him. And he knew and we kind of joked about it. Finally, he dumps his girlfriend and is like, I want to be with you.

Or his best friend told me. And I remember the walk back to the parking lot after we were at barnes and noble which we always went to at night and like hung out with a bunch of group of us matt matt van de vort took me out to the parking lot was like doug broke up with katherine and i was like really it was like a year it was a over a year of me being like oh i hate i hate her and like you know being on aim and waiting for marley fan fan with a PH because he liked fish and Marley Bob Marley I'd wait for that door to open up on like like the AIM and

like wait for him to talk to me and then I would see her name come on and I hated the name Catherine forever even my best friend Catherine who I met in college I was like I will let it slide but I don't like Catherine's because that was his ex girl I didn't even know this girl he broke up with her and I remember I was jumping up and down I was like kissing Maddie I was like he's broken up with her like he was like yeah Nikki like wants to be

with you he likes you and I'm like oh my god he's like he's coming up here tonight I was like oh my god and I'm like it's like I won the lottery and then we were walking back to the cafe and I just remember being like I don't like him anymore like I don't know what to do oh fuck and then dog poor dog who broke up with his girlfriend and like came up to be like i'm here i just was like no i just see you as a friend i don't want anything more with you i didn't like him it was gone and it felt terrible and i couldn't help it so i understand men must feel pretty bad about how they feel after they come because it just that's got to feel weird like i'm so into this

girl and then all of a sudden it's like oh god when is she when you're saying this when you're saying this well then two days later though you'd be in the dug again that's the difference yeah but but i do think like this explains like how with an orgasm you love the build-up but the orgasm isn't as important to you. You love the buildup of dating this guy. I like the pursuit. I like getting things. I don't like doing things.

I like finding out that I'm going to do this TV show. I like finding out that I'm going to tape this special. I don't want to actually do it because then it's like, then it's over. The excitement's over and it's like, what's next? What's the next challenge?

But that was high school, Nikki. I've come a really long way since then. But, you know, I still have some of the same behaviors of like being attractive to men who like can't love me. And, and when they become available, I'm just like, and that's not true though. Like I, I was scared for a while after that incident that you know because my first boyfriend chris i was so obsessed with him for a year same way like just in love and um and then he finally was like found out and was like yeah i'm into you too and i was i remember just being like i know

that's gonna be doug reese again as soon as he likes me i'm not gonna like him and i still liked him and that was like a huge and the reason was is because I never really got him to like me in the way that I wanted. It was still a challenge even after he gave it. So maybe I'm not healed. Next story. Sorry. Wait, before we move on, I just want to recommend a chapter for you to read in Jonathan Haidt's The Happiness Hypothesis, Obsession vs. Love. I won't say anymore.

If you read any chapter, it'll make so much sense to you. Okay. That makes a lot of sense to me in my college relationship. It was definitely an obsession and not love. But he really gets into it. It's not just like a blanket statement.

Jonathan Hyde, The Happiness Hypothesis. A really great book on happiness. Okay. I will check that out. I will just just and if you know me all I want to read is one chapter of a book so thank you that's perfect

what's the next story Andrew is there cliff notes for that chapter for Nikki wait I just say this Katie the bachelorette girl saying the no jerking off it's just it's just gonna make these guys are already like having trouble jerking off and they's just going to make... These guys are already having trouble jerking off

and they don't get to do it that often. You're creating... Well, that's what reality shows do. They create an atmosphere where everything's heightened and emotions are... Your emotions... You're more likely to get on your knee and propose to a woman

if you haven't come for a really long time and she's the only woman you've seen. Hilarious. For months and months. There's something so... Well, yeah. I mean, think about come for a really long time and she's the only woman you've seen hilarious for months and months there's something so well yeah i mean think about marriages for the end of time you're not supposed to have sex until you're married it's the idea is you hold the come in until honeymoon until your wedding night like and then you go what did i do what did i oh my god can you imagine how many guys yeah are so horny and then they that's my biggest fear is that like i don't sleep with guys because i don't want that energy to go away

and then when i do i mean i've just had really awful experiences after guys come of just being super super mean and breaking my trust and it's just like i i've been like really wounded by the male orgasm and also very uh pleased by it but i just have a lot of trauma from men coming and then being being really fucking mean to me and i just i don't understand how this doesn't happen to women all the time we're dr jekyll and mr come like that's it's like yeah we're literally bipolar yeah post-cum pre-cum mr hide your hair so you don't get it in it because it's really a pain in the ass to just not my hair next story all right sad story however i think it uh it just the timing was good i guess a 32 year old influencer plummets to her death as she slips when trying to snap a pic on the edge of a waterfall. A ledgehead.

A ledgehead. I know. Let's just give a moment of silence for this ledgehead. Did they get the video? Did she get the shot? Went viral, baby. Is there a picture of her? Because I'm guessing, oh, she was trying to get to a ledge.

Where was this? It was only a 16 foot waterfall though so i mean in her defense it wasn't like she was standing on a thousand foot one yeah and she died yeah she died in hong kong oh yeah well and her friends had to watch that happen she was hiking with three friends oh my god i mean that's so sad it just uh yeah dude her last this is ridiculous no no oh my god what was her last post i can't even read it it's so funny and sad opposing on the edges of steep cliffs to her instagram account where she includes the tagline not scared wife life should be fun not dumb oh boy r.i.p ledgehead we love you oh i'm sorry i remember a, uh, there was a video or there was photos. I love the red,

the subreddit last images. Cause it always shows people's the, the last picture taken of someone before they died. And a lot of times it's just like, you know, a grandma's hand in hospice or like old people like, Oh, I saw my mom before she gave,

you know, cancer got her and very sad. But some of them are like this of like, this was seconds before she slipped to her death or those really always just like intrigue me in such a sick way there's one that i um remember there were like a similar situation teens hiking in a in the woods i think this is in new york or in the east coast somewhere and they um they saw a bear a brown bear or black some kind of bear and they started taking pictures of it and then all of a sudden it started charging them

it caught their friend and mauled their friend to death but they have the footage of the bear like looking and then walking towards them and then like a blurry shot of like whoa shit you know and um i just i don, there's something about that that really, I'm so scared of bears, but because of that, they're so fast. You cannot run a bear. If you start running from a bear, kiss your life goodbye. Unless you're the guy I met in the Cayman Islands

on the set of F Boy Island, who had a crazy scar on his ankle. And I go, what is that? And he goes, I was attacked by a bear. And I go, what? And he goes, I was just running from it. I go, when you run from a bear, you should kiss your life goodbye. I've heard that. And he goes, I was attacked by a bear. And I go, what? And he goes, I was just running from it. I go, when you run from a bear, you should kiss your life goodbye.

I've heard that. And he was like, I did. And then my dad kicked it off or something. Yeah, I mean, what happens, I think, is if you're filming something, you're obviously, you're disconnected from it. So it's like, you're seeing the bear on your phone. You don't see the bear in real life. Like, it's like, you know what I mean? Right, like you're at a concert, people looking at their phones, and you go, it's like you're seeing the bear on your phone. You don't see the bear in real life.

Like it's like, you know what I mean? You're at a concert, people looking at their phones, and you go, it's right there. Why don't you look up? Yeah, the person probably tried to flip it up to go to the next TikTok to go, oh, I don't like this bear charging me. Oh, next one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Why do I care? There's so many videos on TikTok of bears, like people yelling at bears. Like there was a bear in a guy's car, and the guy's like, get out of my car. And the bear's like, what, dude? Like it looked like it was the bear's car.

Anyways, but all right. Why do I care? Yeah. Why do I care? Adele buys a new mansion next door to the two homes she already owns in a swanky Beverly Hills suburb with her third purchase in five years forming her own mini estate. Damn. Hold on. Let's see. Okay. Damn. Hold on.

Let's see. Adele number one, Adele number two, Adele number three. Wait, pull out because I think I just saw Mila and Ashton, Jennifer Lawrence. I've been here. Not to brag. If it's the same place that she used to live, you know, five, six years ago. Yeah, she bought it in 2016. Adele did? Jennifer Lawrence.

Oh, 2016? No. Or she bought it from Ellen or something, the article said. Okay. Maybe I haven't been to that place. Zoe Saldana lives. These are the neighbors. Adele, Penelope Cruz, and Javier Berdem.

Zoe Saldana, Jennifer lawrence mila kunis and ashton kutcher and i think also uh conan lives around here too because mila had some story on his show about being neighbors with conan and wow adele is just scooping up property i think it's so cool to buy the house next to you to be like we can be as loud as we want because i'm just gonna buy it next to me what did she spend after splitting up with she bought her this is oh she bought her husband this is the wild part she bought him a six-bed property opposite her own home for $10.65 million so that her former spouse could still be close to their son. That's cute.

I love that. I guess they're still friends. I mean, that's wild. As a kid of divorce, whatever, my parents living next door to each other, the idea of that is just crazy but maybe adele and her husband are like they they just parted ways like they had a conscious uncoupling where it was like they still liked each other i mean it's incredible i mean yeah yeah yeah it would have been it would have been unbelievable your parents divorce was

epic you used to have a podcast about divorce yeah i did yeah uh it was uh the idea of yeah well first of all she's the you know the woman buying the guy that i mean the idea that my dad would buy a house next door to you know for my mom is just it's just so wild, dude. They couldn't be in the same fucking county, let alone this next door. But it's wild because why not? They once lived together. They go from living together, making three children together, to I can't be in the same county as you. It's so wild how much you can go from loving someone to hating something.

Did your dad just come really hard or something what made him yeah and there's something else uh yeah your dad needed fuller balls he would have stuck around possibly yeah or maybe I think yeah I think he uh or lack of I think it went maybe too long do you think there's anything to this I mean I understand like cheating is not just about like getting your, like getting your balls drained. But like if you think your husband might like be tempted or like just make him, just jerk him off or like blow him before he goes to like a party where he might like, or like if Brad Pitt, if my husband was like on set with angelina jolie or something or like was i would just demand that he jerk off in front of me before he went to set every day because if he had empty balls you're going to be less attracted to your co-stars right

yes but he would also maybe find it a little annoying so he might cheat on you for for even a worse reason for just because he thinks you're annoying not because of the cum and the balls you know what i mean no i know but i'm saying though like if he did cheat on you that would mean he really didn't like you because he cheated on you without cum in his balls yeah i always said that like when guys cheat and the girls like you know that so often someone cheats and the girls like, you know, so often someone cheats and the person does it because they want to get out of the relationship and they know it will like,

you can't come back from that. And then they tell the person and the, and the, their partner's like, like, Oh, it's, we'll get past it.

And they're like, wait, what? No. Like, and what I was going to, what I was going to say is like, uh, fuck, what was I going to like uh fuck what was i gonna say my point was oh oh i know a lot of times a guy will cheat to get out of a relationship or a girl will cheat

and then tell the partner the partner will be like they think their partner's gonna be like i'm done with you and you're like i know i fucked it up i ruined it and then it's like because we i cheated that's why we broke up but then when the partner's like i'll i'll forgive you we can work through it and the person's like but i'm not sorry and she's like but you were drunk and he's like no i was stone cold sober it's like oh if you get cheated on and the person that did it is sober alcohol really does create this like like if someone's drunk and they cheat it really does make a difference it's got to because people that are drunk do things that are stupid all the time that we forgive oh i was drunk

we do it all the time for like innocuous things there would be some some level of forgiveness that would make you feel better if you got cheated on if the guy was drunk but when the guy goes no i was sober it's like oh you just hate me like, when you're sober, it's not like one. You know, a lot of people always. I forget who had a bit about it, but it was like it's not one mistake. It's like 15 mistakes. You know what I mean? Like you got in your car.

That's a mistake. You drove to that. That's, you know, like everyone's always like I made one little I made one mistake and I hooked up. It's like, no, it was all premeditated. You pressed the elevator button. You went past your floor. You kept going down there. You entered a, you got alone with someone that you have sexual chemistry with.

That's the thing. Like mistake. I know someone who's never cheated and he always says what my, he's like, I'm not different than other men. Obviously those temptations are out there on work trips all the time he goes but I don't want to cheat because there's too much to lose and I don't want to hurt that those people and my trick is I just am never alone he's kind of Mike Pencey I just never put myself in a situation where it can happen so like yeah there might be a girl that's

like flirty and maybe touching his leg under a table at a business thing he will not then find a way to accidentally be alone with that woman because that's what so many fucking guys do that cheat on their girlfriends as someone who has been the other woman before these guys oh they they can pin it on you for like oh she seduced me she came after me you can get out of you don't you leave the door open you left the door open don't act like unless a woman physically jumps on top of you and you've done something to be a part of this uh you know i just so just don't don't put yourself in a situation where it can happen. We all know when a cheat can happen.

It's when you're alone. Don't be alone. Take the cum out of your balls. If you're worried, just take the cum out. Let's get to our Wednesday segment. It's a new game we're going to play that Noah got a board game from Esther Perel, the sex psychologist, doctor, smart person, author, a podcaster. She's a podcast.

She's like this badass woman who's done a ton of TED Talks. She wrote the books Mating and Captivity and State of Affairs. She's just very wise when it comes to sex and relationships. She has a podcast where she talks to couples, and you listen to couples in couples therapy. It's called Where Do We Begin? Where Should We Begin? Where Should We Begin? Which is the same name as the game. It's the same Do We Begin? Where Should We Begin?

Which is the same name as the game. It's the same name as the game. This is Esther Perel's game, Where Should We Begin? And it's a game of storytelling and getting to know each other. It's a good game for first dates or just friends sitting around. And Noah and I were talking about it yesterday and I thought it would be a fun game to play today because it would set us all up to tell fun stories and get to know each other a little bit

better. So let's play where should we begin okay so i'm just going to modify it a little bit for the podcast but we're going to pick a prompt card so just tell me where to stop stop stop okay so this is the prompt card okay it says share something nostalgic okay and now i'm gonna pick a question okay that we will answer in that theme something nostalgic god i don't know how i'm gonna do this okay so tell me what to stop a phone number i need to delete oh and then okay something nostalgic okay nostalgic a phone number i need to delete something nostalgic um i have a dead person in my phone who i need to delete uh because they're dead and i also have them in my phone as don't talk don't talk to him Nikki because he was someone that I had disappointed me so many times and been someone that like I had hope for having more with and I uh I put him in

my phone so like when he would text me I would say don't talk to him Nikki like it would remind me like whatever you're doing to convince yourself that it's going to be it's going to work out this time don't don't do this and then he died and he's still in my phone is don't talk to him nikki and now uh it's i'm nostalgic for it because i was able to forgive this person before he died for always um coming and then hating me afterwards and making me feel terrible i mean and then um but guess who had the last laugh? No. Uh, so I guess I'm like, I guess that's nostalgic. It's an old fling who's now passed on and, uh, and I put them on my, and I probably need to delete that because it's a negative way to remember this person, but it's also, um, it's when it comes up, when I'm searching for Donnell

Rawlings in my phone, don't talk to him. Nikki comes up and speaking of Donnell Rawlings in my phone. Don't talk to him, Nicky comes up. And speaking of Donnell Rawlings, I ran into him last night and he's eager to get on the podcast and talk to me about, he just wants to hang out. He's like, I just, why haven't we worked together? Why are we not on a platform together doing stuff? And I was like, I don't know, Donnell.

Let's do it. He was so fun last night, so nice. And so Donnell will be on the show at some point i i just i love him and he was so funny last night um anyway andrew what's a phone number that you need to get rid of in your phone that is under the theme of nostalgia That's a good one. I would have to say, sorry. That's a tough one. I don't really know what nostalgia. I know when I'm being nostalgic, like you think, oh, I thought nostalgic meant like,

oh, I've been in this room before or something. That's deja vu. Oh, that's deja vu. That's just like having a memory uh nostalgia is like a sense of like the way it was like oh my god that takes me back to that time and it really just oh it likes yeah yeah yeah yeah sentiment from the past yes okay so i will take out um uh this this woman who i've wanted her to be my uh my comedy uh manager it was like before we met and i used to like wait am i your comedy manager or something why are you saying that like i'm gonna be threatened it was before we met nikki but i was like like instead of like i don't know doing something that would cause to get a manager i was like pretty much like not begging her to be my manager just being like why are you not my

manager like i'm just as funny i'm just as talented why are you not seeing it yes i don't talk to her anymore i could take that number out i don't need to go back to that feeling of desperation yes so long and i love it yeah all right yeah move on you don't need you don't you don't need a manager no i don't need a manager i'm doing pilates today my manager got me into pilates at four. Yeah, your manager is the manager of Plank Fitness, and she gave you a promo code to put on your story. I'm just dying to know who used Andrew Plank 2020 or whatever. Did anyone use the promo code? Yes, we're talking about it right now.

Go to Plank, P-L-A-N-K, and sign up under Andrew Free Plank. What did you get? It sounds like free. Wait, is it really? Is the promo code Andrew Free Plank. What did you get? It sounds like free. What did you, wait, is it really, is the promo code Andrew Free Plank? It's something like that. Did you come up with that? Should I actually give it out?

I mean, no. I want to know the deal you worked out with this woman, though. Was it like you get free classes for life for that? I get eight free classes. And did you tell her how many followers you had? Yeah, she saw everything i get eight free classes a month if i i just gotta put in my story and then like once every few months i gotta make it a main post okay i'll do something where i'm like blowing the reformer

or something i don't know i'll do something funny okay okay but uh dude i had this thing go viral yeah kind of viral ish where i i just went like this on instagram did you see that little video yeah you were like doing a reaction to those girls the girls were doing a reaction and then you did things i thought i was gonna take it down after like two minutes because it would do so poorly and i wasn't yeah and it people loved it like i don't understand why on tiktok did it go viral or on uh instagram on tiktok it actually got taken down oh so where did it go viral on instagram how does it go viral just not viral but like yeah it's just doing very well like people reacted better to that than anything i've ever done wow and it's just doing very well like people reacted better to that than anything i've ever done wow and it's just me doing the eat outside to women yeah i saw it uh i see these all the

time these reaction shots and i'm just like so confused by what they are but now i i kind of get it yeah you were just bored on the couch. You were very bored yesterday. I could tell. I had a good day. I hit golf balls. Brennan came over. We did face. Here's the thing. If you pluck your boyfriend's eyebrows and you're doing underneath,

you got to wet them first. You can't go in dry. I know women, you go through all the bad things. I get that. But she went in straight dry to do the under the eyebrow. Yeah. You know what I mean? What do you mean wet them?

With shave cream or what? Wet them with a hot rag. No. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. I cry. I cry a little bit. Did I ever tell you about when I got my eyebrows waxed before a wedding?

You got your back waxed before you moved to St. Louis. That was the weirdest choice. In the middle of winter, you got your back waxed right before. You thought that St. Louis makes you take off your shirt as soon as you get in or something? Well, there was a boy here. You do weird things. Oh, yeah. You do weird things before things.

Well, final thought here um yeah i we gotta get to noah's nostalgia number but yes tell me about when you waxed your eyebrows before a wedding oh i waxed my eyebrows and right when she waxed the underneath it was the worst pain i've ever found in my life and i didn't stop her i let her the next one. I don't know if she used like, I think she used like hot glue. Dude, I was like, it was the worst pain I ever felt. You had anal fissures.

You said that was the worst pain. Okay, second worst pain I ever felt. I felt like I had anal eyes. And so I, so I fucking, right when it hit, I go, go oh my god this isn't good and it was a fucking my buddy's wedding who went to west point so he was there with all these army guys and i show up with the most absurd metrosexual eyebrows because you thought you were gonna meet a girl there oh they're still bleeding like i look like mike tyson is there any pictures from this

wedding that we can find so i'm wearing sunglasses at night i'm wearing sunglasses at night and and then rusty my buddy rusty's going up to everyone at the wedding going you gotta see these i'm i was trying to be incognito i love rusty so much i love that you didn't let you off the hook for it i just look hot i can't they're just so funny andrew like i even your your instagram that i wanted to call you out for being good the other day like you look into the camera like i just call you out i know you think it's a joke but i do truly think that you're, like, trying to be seductive. Yeah, but you do the same stuff. What are you talking about?

You're standing on stairs with a guitar with your legs out. Yeah. I mean, you look cool. But mine's not a selfie in the mirror. Yeah, it's the selfie. Yeah, it's a doofy. Okay. I don't know okay i don't know i don't know it's just like i get like uncomfortable at the at the the the face you make to yourself in the mirror when you're when you within that shot where you like looked like a nurse i agree i agree i agree

you were just trying so hard to look sexy it It's not, but like this picture makes me furious. It just, I can't handle it. I look great though. I look good. But like, just send it to Brenna then. Like what, like. I did before. A selfie is just, that's who you took it for.

I knew it was. And now you put it for all of us. It's too vulnerable. I don't want to see that side of you. It's so weird. Nick, I did it because I knew it set up the male nurse outfit like my my idea is like look as normal and like whatever and then the third thing is like oh you're a male nurse outfit like it sets up that joke to me it's like the setup okay that's how i looked at

it i just love that you like work so hard to like do a cool pose and the second one like in your room like you're kind of like putting your hands together like hey man like telling a story but you're by yourself you set the timer you had to like scramble over there and also the all of this the chaos that's happening behind you your room is a mess in the back like you you did it's just a guy that's like so casual and cool but his room is a fucking die in the background like it the juxtaposition you're not even meaning to be funny here but like this guy that face is not the guy that also has this trash collected in the four quarters like that trash and that man are not the same thing you couldn't bother yourself to pick up these cords and just brush them out of the way

i did really like that outfit. I'm still going to rock that outfit. I think it's a great stage outfit. But 40 people wrote, you look like a male nurse. I had no idea. And then you reposted it and changed it to the nurse thing? Yeah. No, no, no. Then I made a main post.

No, no, no. I had it in my story. Sorry. So you posted it with no joke you just were trying to be sweet looking I just wanted people to be I said I'm monochroming to your town like monochroming

okay I got it okay I give you shit you're right it's the same stuff that I do when I post pictures where I look hot except that like you know yesterday I took some very I took pictures that were just as like selfie and self indulgent as those where I'm like posing and i look the hottest i've ever looked in my life and if i put them on instagram it would i would get me more likes than i've ever gotten in my life i look amazing you took them yourself you took them yeah because uh yeah i took them in my green room

myself they're honestly it's the best photo shoot i've done at like my send up to my stylist and they were like oh my god and i was like i oh my God. And I was like, I'm really good. Yeah, I'll show you some. They're fucking amazing. And I won't post them because they're too sexy. And they're too like, and I was by myself. If someone else would have taken them, I would be fine with it.

But because I took them. See, that's the difference. I don't get weirded out about taking them. Yeah, but I don't get weirded out about taking a selfie. I do get weirded out by asking people to take photos of me. You love that. It's not as embarrassing as a selfie. A selfie when you're pretending to look like that.

Oh, okay. Yeah, you got to post that. What are you doing? I know. I'm just on a chair uh trying to get my whole look in because i couldn't do the whole look i'm in my and it looks like i'm just having a conversation but i'm not i'm honestly by myself i look like i'm looking at someone uh wait let me show you this one this one's so make that joke so say that in the caption say no because then you're doing the thing where you're being sexy and you act like you're

not like these. So I'm not going to post this, but I did take them because the guy that I'm hooking up with, I wanted to send them to him. They're not for everyone, even though they would get me a ton of likes. I'll tell you what, side tit's great. I love side tit. Yeah, that's... Side tit and under tit are making it.

I've got a lot of tit this week because of my period. I've got to go and change a tamp-tamp before my glam squad gets here. Yeah, I've got to change the old string cheese. Guys, thank you so much for listening. We'll be here tomorrow on the show. I can't wait to tell you about my long-ass day today. Pray for me.

I love you so much for listening. No, I'm sorry we didn't get to your nostalgic number. We didn't know what nostalgia was. It was all very confusing, but I do want to play that game again. I think it's going to be really fun for the show. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you tomorrow on the podcast. Don't be cut

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... ... ...................................................... and G-E-R-K-F-R-U-E. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for

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