The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #69 There Was Be Blood

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Between you and Nikki, there was dried hummus on the slip she wore to the Ted Lasso premiere and she tried to preserve her day old hairdo by wrapping it in a swimsuit. Andrew is "full of puff" and tries to get Nikki to compete with him about a body part she doesn't want to compare. You Heard if Here First, stuff that makes millennials think you are old, the oldest lobster lady and rich people in space. Their Top 1 Bottom 1 jobs has them reminiscing about times at work and in the Final Thought, Nikki encourages her friend to join a dating app and finds an interesting guy while swiping through it herself. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the

rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at soundedouttogether.org.

That's soundedouttogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of quest love supreme man we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season but you know i don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far i mean we talked to a marie johnny marr e jonathan sheckner billy porter and so many more

look if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Del delaney rowe and cord jefferson listen to mini questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers the nikki glaser podcast The Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hey guys, how's it going?

Happy Monday Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast Oh boy, I can't even believe The last time I talked to you guys Where was I? Los Angeles? Noah, where the hell was I on Thursday? You were in LA

That's right. Getting ready for the Ted Lasso premiere. Oh my God. I didn't even talk about that. So much has happened since I last talked to you guys. Yeah, it was, you know, I was talking about a show I was on last week that I did for a couple of days and I couldn't tell you what it was. It was amazing. It was such a good experience. People are in my DMs guessing what show it is. Some of you are right. Some of you are wrong. I cannot reveal, but you will, but you will find out. And I got, I'm just, I'm forever changed from my experience on that show. I can't wait for you guys to see it. And then I went to the Ted Lasso season two premiere, which was so fun.

Didn't know, Noah, that it was going to be the event that it was. Because of COVID and everything, like these events, these premieres, these even award shows are just way less glitzy and glammy than they were prior. Like if Ted Lasso premiere would have been in a pre-COVID world, I would have had full hair and makeup, gotten an outfit done, had like a purse to match my outfit, like everything. But this one, I was like, there's going to be like, you know, five feet of step and repeat, you know, like not because Ted Ted Les is not a big deal and just got nominated for like literally of every Emmy and Tony even though it's not a musical

um that's not true don't look that up it didn't but it's it's it's like got every nomination um so I should have figured it would be a huge event because it was the it was probably the biggest event I've ever been to no I guess the VMAs 2013-ish was probably the biggest one but I mean it was up there we got there um and I was not I'll go back I wasn't prepared for how much press this would get and how much of a um how many photos of me would be taken and I was trying to save money because I spent so much money last week on styling for that secret show I was on. And I was just trying to, you know, like see if I could do it myself. I did my own makeup. I used my hair from the day before that was put up in like a really tight bun with a bunch of pins and by a professional hair stylist, um, my guy, uh, Drayton, uh,

he did a great job and I tried to hold it from Wednesday to Thursday, slept with like a, I wrapped my head in a swimsuit cause I didn't have anything like silky to put on it and it held pretty well. And then like an hour before Thursday's event, it starts like falling out and it legit looked like I just slept on it and like just threw it back. Sometimes updos literally just, I mean, this one was a day old, so I can't blame it, but sometimes it just looked like I had a messy bun that I threw up my hair after, uh, you know, a high intensity workout at Equinox. Like I looked like disheveled in my hair and I'm, all I'm thinking about is my glam team seeing pictures of me from the Ted Lasso premiere going, Oh my God, why didn't she use us? And the answer is because you're expensive.

You're very expensive. And so I did my own makeup and, um, I didn't do a bad job on that. I wish I had put on fake eyelashes, but I go, fuck it. I use serum. They're big. They're, you know, thick enough. I got there. Oh, and then my one of my stylists is like my friend. And I was like, listen, I couldn't afford to get you guys for this thing. But can I borrow these one boots that you guys left at my place during a fitting?

And they were like, sure, totally use the boots. I met her in the lobby because I was giving her my outfit from the day before so she could return it because you don't get to keep these clothes. And I go, I'm going to wear the boots. And she was like, let me see if I have anything in my car I can give you just like of personal items. So she had this like leopard print shirt. And she was like, maybe you can do something with this. It's kind of fun. I think this is like a show. I went back to my room and I took a picture of everything that could be a good outfit for red carpet, like a cool look. And the sheet that we got about the event said the dress code is smart

casual. So it's just like put on a pair of glasses with something you feel comfy in and you are like carry a book with you um and or wear like one of those graduation caps like mortarboard things that's smart um and by the way Jason Snakus wore a tie-dye you you know, hoodie on the Golden Globes. So that's kind of like the Ted Lasso vibe. I didn't know. I think I thought it would be a good idea that if you have a party, you have to share what you're going to wear with your guests. Because it causes women so much worry and consternation being like, what should I wear?

I mean, I met up with Jamie Lee, who is a writer on the show. And we went together, like our groups went together. And she was like, I go, what are you going to wear? And she's like, I don't know. I bought this like funky dress. And I was like, a funky dress is perfect. And then we met up and we had like two kind of different interpretations of smart casual, but it still worked. And there were some women, I saw some women there in like pleather jumpsuits that were like a little too dressy. It's worse being too dressy than underdressed, I think.

I was definitely underdressed. I think I was dressed perfectly for it. But what's worse for you, showing up to an event overdressed or underdressed? Overdressed. My biggest fear is trying too hard. And then underdressed also is a fear because it shows a level of disrespect for the thing you've been invited to. So both suck. And I mean,

they're barely overdressed is barely worse than underdressed. They're both awful. Um, but I was definitely, I was a little bit, no, I was perfect, but this is what I ended up doing. So I went shopping that day to match the leopard thing I wanted she said just put on like a black slip dress underneath couldn't find one I did find a black dress but it was too long and like not that cute and I bought it just in case to have something and then I ripped the slip out from inside it because it's way cuter and was shorter and I put that on top and then the leopard thing underneath it and then with the boots and my sales and I agreed from the pictures I took in my bathroom. Like that's the look. However,

the slip was completely see-through. So, okay, shit. It's a black slip, see-through, and it's like a shitty slip inside a shitty dress. Like this isn't nice stuff. And so, but it's underneath the leopard thing, which is nice enough. So it's kind of hidden, but I could not, I don't know what the flashes are going to be like on the red carpet. It could just be one of those moments where you're wearing see-through underwear and I don't mind the topping see-through. I don't mind seeing a bra underneath, but like underwear, you don't really want to see that. I predict that's going to be the next fashion is like, uh, you know, see-through bottoms where you can just see your underwear.

Um, so what I did was I was like, I have to layer it. What am I going to do? So I found a black tank top that matched the straps. This is so uninteresting to men, but in possibly most women. And then I found a blue skirt that would then like, I had to find stuff to wear under the slip to make it not see-through. Right. And just to make it look like it was just a, so I found a blue skirt that I got at American Apparel ages ago that I had just thrown in my bag on a whim. That was too loose. So I took a belt and I fastened the belt and the tank top underneath my slip with a cinching belt that like cinched my waist, like, you know, Bridgerton.

And then on top of that was the slip. So I had this crazy rig underneath to make this slip that was already shitty not that had hummus on it i had somehow gotten hummus on my fingers and it wiped it looks like deodorant but it's harder to get off and i wear it's the new natural deodorant i'm trying and it's just uh sabra hummus and i go on the red carpet i get there the vet is we had to get COVID tested in a garage uh we arrive on foot from an uber everyone else in LA is driving in they have no entrance for us unless you're driving into the parking garage where the COVID test is so we have to walk through traffic and it's like it was this whole uh thing i um i invited jeff die to go with

me um my friend jeff die who has one of the most obnoxious cars i've ever seen in my life and i was like hey jeff we got to pick up jamie lee she's gonna go with us um on the way there and he was like i go is that okay knowing it, you know, but also getting to, I do asking for permission. And so I go to Jamie, I go, it's going to be fine. But I, I'm like, you know, I got to ask Jeff. And so he writes back, actually, I can't give her a ride because my car's a two seater. And I was like, okay, that's fine. I was like, wonder what car he's going to bring.

Because I have seen his red Jeep. That is truly, I mean, Noah, this car, it's a gigantic red, flashy red Jeep. The tires are, I'm going to say they're, it's a monster truck. You cannot get into the car without stepping upon the wheel and then up. Like it's a, um, it felt like a Jurassic park ride. I felt like I was at Universal Studios. He pulls up to get me before we get Jamie. So we agree. We're going to go to Jamie's, park your car.

Then we're all going to Uber from there so we can all go together. He pulls up. I get in. I am like struggling. He goes, do you want me to help you? And I go, I would like you to get the door for me if I was in a Honda Civic much less just having to climb upon a wheel to get in and I'm wearing like a nice dress so I so he's trying to help me he's like you didn't even let me and I'm like you're right I I often do that to everyone it's like why didn't you give me this thing and it's like because you are fast and I'm

slow and you didn't give me time so I I just go, fuck it. I climbed in. I like flashed him on the way. And I was like, I'm wearing underwear. I don't even care because I had to like, it was just like, I was sweaty. And like, we're in this Jeep that's open air. Thank God my hair was already pulled back. But it's like a, and then he has a, he has a little speaker thing on it too. That he takes, he takes the little thing and there's a speaker on it where he'll just go like, I like your pants, man.

Like at an intersection to a guy walking by. He is insane. It was so I was like, Jeff, please do not stop using that because he'll he was he does these things called life jokes that I am deeply uncomfortable by. But like like they're just he he has a loud obnoxious car and he also has this like speaker thing that he only brings joy to the world with like he's just like sorry about that ma'am i'll move right along like it's just everyone laughs whenever he does it it's not like obnoxious but it's like a speak like it's a cop speaker on his car so we get to jamie's we park i climb down from the um dune buggy go to the event we're like

shluffing it and we go get covid tested it takes forever uh but it's still fun because we're all just like hanging out in a parking garage and like looking at everyone else and uh i don't see any celebs yet and then we finally get to the red red blue carpet and there's bleachers of fans two huge bleachers filled with fans all masked up just like waiting for the celebrities to arrive kind of like e red carpet things you see I've never seen an audience for the red carpet before and I go walk the carpet um I'm the first one to walk and we don't even get there early and they they're like, you're the first one. I was like, that feels awkward. And the woman, there's like a woman assigned to walk you down the red carpet.

She's dressed in all black. She's kind of like one of the crew. And, um, and I'm joking with her and like being fun and like, we're putting in eye drops, getting ready to go. The audience is kind of like watching us get ready, being like, who is that? Like people don't really know who we are or anything and um uh one person said I'm a comedy icon and like filled the rest in and just like shouted like you're a comedy icon Nikki Glaser and I was like thank you dad I was like thank you to that one person who informed everyone else that I'm someone uh but I didn't really need

it it was just like I love red carpets I I've been a nobody on red carpets for so long because I've had opportunities from famous friends who brought me that I always just tell the photographers, I know you don't know who I am. I'm Nikki Glaser. You're going to use this someday, whether it's on deadline because I get something announced

or I die tragically and they're going to buy this. So just please get a picture. I've always, I make the photographers laugh. It's like, I don'tically and they're going to buy this. So just please get a picture. I've always, I make the photographers laugh. It's like, I don't have a problem being, uh, addressing them in a way that's like, I know I'm not a big deal, but just please get my picture. I need this for Instagram or whatever. And they laugh and they kind of take a picture, but this woman's going through and, uh, takes, I go, can you take my purse? Is that okay to to hold it's like a part of my look but maybe not and she's like I'll hold your purse she goes do you have a different lipstick it's just like and

I this woman is just like working she's not a part of the beauty team there's no she doesn't have this role she just goes your lipstick it's a little like it's just your lips are disappearing in your face literally as she's putting me on my mark with 60 photographers screaming my name uh she goes give a different lip and she's probably like my mom's age and i was just like no i don't i go this is i like this and she was like it's just and i was like okay she's making me feel insecure right away i take a bunch of pictures i fucking kill it i she she's a little surprised because she's like wow this girl like knows what she's doing and people are calling her name and wanting to nik Nikki over here, Nikki over here. I can tell this woman's like, I mean, I thought this girl was like a nobody.

And then she goes, oh, and before this, she goes, there's a lot of reporters here doing interviews. We'll see if they want to talk to you. Maybe you can get them to talk to you if you flash a little leg. And I go, what if i just blow one of them because i hate the idea that like it really disturbed everyone who heard me say this to her because i just this woman was already annoying me and then she goes flash legs so that anyone wants to talk to you meaning that's the only reason someone would want to talk to me and i go i'll just blow one of them. Just tell them I'll blow them. Because first of all, that's such an old fashioned like way to get. It's just like I just didn't like it.

I was just like, shut up. She's a nice woman. She's only trying to be nice, but I just kind of snap back at her. And then we're going through. No, I get done with all my pictures. And then there's there's a huge line like all the way down the carpet. Photographers, but also people doing interviews, Hollywood Reporter, E! News, different YouTube celeb showbiz channels.

You know, the guy with the little microphone that has the name of their YouTube channel on the thing. And she goes up to me, she goes, the Hollywood Reporter wants to talk to you. And I go, oh, OK, great. I do that interview. E! wants to talk to you. She goes, E! wants to talk to you. And I oh okay great I do that interview he wants to talk to you she goes up she goes he wants to talk to you and I was like oh all right cool and then by the end of it she goes wow everyone wanted to talk to you and I go oh my gosh it's almost like I'm

talented huh where's my purse and I just like I'm just like I can't deal with you anymore, woman who was hired to make me feel marginalized before I do one of the most important things. And I was already feeling insecure because I did not plan. I'm wearing a blue skirt from American Apparel with a belt underneath a dress underneath. It was a whole nightmare. And I don't even know if any of this was interesting, but the event was awesome. We finally get in there we watched two episodes of uh ted lasso tim cook from apple introduces bill lawrence who then introduces uh jason sudeikis bill lawrence is my friend who's the creator of the show with jason sudeikis they're all hilarious actually um jeff at one point je Jeff who does these life jokes at one point Tim Cook like head of Apple

is like I really appreciate y'all being here tonight and kind of made a thing like you're not gonna say anything and and and Jeff we're in the front we're in the second row and by the way all the cast and everyone is like kind of behind us because they're not wanting to be like center of attention but they put me I think they put me in the second row because i was like uh probably one of the people who wasn't on the cast one of the most famous people there and that's not and just because i got an invite it wasn't because famous people didn't want to be there like it was just select people and i'm friends with bill lawrence and it was just such and a huge fan of the show so it was an honor and when tim go to cook goes uh it's great to be here with you all.

I'm excited to be here with you. Jeff goes, we're excited to be here with you. Like he heckled Tim Cook and I collapsed and I just go, Jeff, no. And then Tim Cook liked it. He was like, thanks man. And then it got a laugh and like made him much more comfortable.

So the heckle helped, but I was humiliated. And, but it was kind of fun because he was getting a kick out of how embarrassed i was and then tim cook kept talking the whole time i'm like please do not say anything else please bill lawrence at one point got up and was like uh said a joke and was like well i thought that was gonna get more or he goes he got like an applause and he goes well gotta be honest i expected a little bit more just making a joke and then Jeff stood up to give him a standing o and I'm like sit down stop it right now like and um it was just one of those things where it was like I was mortified I was like Andrew is whenever I do when I was practicing

our dance at the airport the other day to do on stage Andrew got so embarrassed at the airport that I was doing the dance. I have to go now and bring Andrew in. But yeah, I know what that felt like. And the truth is, there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Everything was fine. But I just, I get so, I felt the way people feel when they're at a comedy show and someone at their table is heckling and the rest of the table is like, please make her stop. And I always say that whenever someone heckles, I go, your table is so humiliated being with you. You are ruining this for them. They feel responsible for you. Just don't do this to your friends. So just don't do that to your friends. Let's get one of my

friends in here. Andrew. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated.

Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don is pounding. I'm confused.

I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product,

then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way. Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand? You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition. And it doesn't stop there.

What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI? You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor, and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, he's been here all morning. I don't understand your vibe. Hey, Andrew. No one comes in our podcast studio.

I mean, Luigi just got very mad at our uh one of our technicians has he ever been a random stranger me the first day i had him remember when you bit me bitch yeah the first day i got him he was a rescue and um did not like my vibe and bit me in the hand and i cried and my parents were in town in la and they were like you need to get rid of this dog this is because i was fostering him they were like you cannot do this this dog is broken and my dad's like i've never had a dog bite me before this dog is there's something wrong with this dog i've never had a dog to act like and i was like i'm gonna keep this dog and not only am i gonna keep him but he's gonna be better and-behaved than any dog you've ever had dad in your 66 years of life. And guess what? He is. Do you know what

Luigi is? I'm going to brag right now. He's a dog where I can walk down the street. Yeah. Listen up listener. Listen up besties because this, you know, what kind of dog this is. I don't have to have him on leash and he follows me and he can be around other dogs and he can be around people and he follows right next to me like a calm little dog and he can be off leash. So suck it, dad. Not only did this dog bite me in the first day, but now he is a dog that follows me next to my ankles and he's more well behaved off leash than on.

When he's on leash, he'll pull. But when he's off, he'll pull but when he's off he knows that this is a privilege and he needs to stick to the rules and i'm i'm a person that can walk down the street with a dog off leash in the city that is amazing people look at me and they go i don't like that i'm like my dog's not gonna have an issue it's your dog the problem is people go off leash with dogs that should not be awfully yes it happens way too much and that's why i always put him on leash as soon as I see a dog coming because I don't want that owner to be like,

let's go with the dog off leash. But I do know, and Luigi's a pussy and will not get into any scuffle. Yeah, when he bit you, he bit your hand. Like how hard? Blood? Blood. Wow. There was blood.

Was it blood? Yep. there was blood was be blood yep there was uh there was blood and um i just i got bit by a dog because i was you know as a dog walker i was your dog walker it took a while for luigi to open up to me he never bit me though because i'm better looking and more attractive and have thicker nipples you know that uh than me should we have a nipple off no no like we'll just show noah noah i'm not what do you mean a nipple off i mean like yours are men my nipples definitely get bigger than yours and like puffier because i'm a woman who ovulates around your period your your nipples get... No, dude. I mean, yours have puffiness around the areola.

It's not even like the nip part is puffy. It's like the puffiness around it. And mine's flat. So yeah, mine are less puff. That's what I'm saying. Puff daddies. Yeah, they're not bad. Thanks. That's full puff, too.

I showed you no... I didn't even try to harden them up. Well, thank you for that. Does that... Louis, that's not like a... That's not fucked up to do that to someone to show if you're jerking off while doing it or just ask i mean it would be weird if someone didn't ask for that you kind of said noah and i still went without no i said i don't want to show no noah uh my nipples. This dog, he had a Bernie's Mountain Dog. I always think

of Bernays sauce whenever I say that. Yeah. Or Bernie Weekend at Bernie's. Bernays sauce. Great movie. Weekend at Bernie Mac's was an idea I had and then someone else took it. And then Bernie Mac died. No, after Bernie Mac died. I thought that would be a funny idea. You mean it was an idea for a tweet?

It was going to be like a video I was going to shoot. With a guy that looked like Bernie Mac died. Oh. I thought that would be a funny idea. You mean it was an idea for a tweet? It was going to be like a video I was going to shoot. With a guy that looked like Bernie Mac? Yeah. Weekend at Bernie Mac's. So which black friend were you going to get to play Bernie Mac? I might have thought about doing blackface at the time. But I'm glad. That was eight months ago before you knew it was wrong. I'm glad I was lazy.

And yeah, I was sleeping on the couch and the bernays mac or bernays mac dog was on the ground and i was sleeping and he was sleeping and i just look put my hand barely off and he bit my hand yeah causing blood and it's a big dog you know 120 pounds i told my buddy about it he gave me he vended me 20 to keep my mouth i mean and it didn't work oh it worked until now he paid 10 extra that is hilarious 20 it just what is that even honestly what's it for just to be like man there's nothing yeah man sorry about that 20 can in terms of like a tip uh if you leave like your maid a tip or like the guy helps you with your bags to your room a 20 versus a 5 that'll keep that'll keep that's hush money for like there were certain tips i've left for maids

that are like if you smell weed in this room can you not report it i left you $20 to clean up a room that doesn't really need that much. I haven't soiled much. Seems like you're breaking a law there. Paying someone to keep quiet. No, I'm not actually doing it, but it's like, I could see where they just got done cleaning a room that left that,

that was trash. The person left them no money, which if you ever check out of a room and you don't leave cash for the maids, you're, you should stop listening to this podcast. Someone recently told me this. We should have a segment called don't listen to this podcast and, or it should be called don't listen to this podcast. Someone recently told me we should have a segment called Don't Listen to This Podcast.

Or it should be called Don't Listen to This Podcast because I say it so many times in an episode. But truly, if you're someone who doesn't leave cash, tip for a maid when you leave a hotel, don't listen to this podcast. Or change your way

because you didn't know better until now. What if, though, you had a dog in your hotel room and it bit the maid's neck? And then how much would you give the maid? Not 20. You'd give her like 100. No, I would pay for her medical bills that she needs.

I'm good about giving what people deserve. I should have went to the doctor and been like, hey, man. Or I lie. Yeah, you go to the doctor when you think you're choking on air, yet you won't go when you get bit by a dog that could be rabid. Yeah, I asked him if he had rabies shots the dog died not long after i don't know it probably got rabies from me it got lazies labies labias bird nays uh no it's uh the the dog bite thing is interesting because

my my dad i just remember him being like like, I've never had a dog bite me. Then later on, they had a dog that would bite everyone. Yeah, Karma. And then, yeah, that dog named Karma. And then, and then, and then a Marion got attacked by a dog and they're like, or why would, that dog was a vicious Cujo that needs to be put. It's like, no, you had a dog and they're like or why would that dog was a vicious kujo that needs to be put it's like no you had a dogs that dog is sweet that dog that bit marion and attacked marion was just

dogs don't do that because they're they're either trained to do it and attack things or they're acting on instinct it's not like a dog is actually a sociopathic dog that like wants to cause harm like it's not the dogs the dog is just being an animal so i literally don't get mad at dogs when they bite but my that dog is fucked up and so it's like what are you talking about it's just a dog it was being a dog yeah let a dog be a dog how do we expect my dad got so mad when i posted that marion got attacked by a sweet i go marion's a sweet dog and so was the dog that attacked her and my dad got so mad when i posted that marion got attacked by a sweet i go marion's a sweet dog and so was the dog that attacked her and my dad saw that on instagram and goes what do you mean he's a sweet dog and i go because every dog is sweet no dogs are born like

i'm gonna rape and murder like there are no i don't think they're psychopathic dogs and so if you are a dog that attacks someone i think you're're sweet and you're just trying, you're, you're probably chained up in the backyard so much and you have a lot of anger and angst. And it comes out when you see a little white dog that looks like a squirrel that it looks a hundred years old. And maybe if I saw Marion running out, I would think it was like a white Walker. Like that. Marion doesn't look like a dog.

Marion looks like a floating rag that's like made out of like cream cheese old cream cheese yeah i probably just thought it was a dehydrated poodle an air fried poodle i mean i told you about my one buddy got bit by a dog birdwell and he was laying on the couch a doberman bit his nose off and ate it ate the swallowed and swallowed his nose to wait for it to shit and pick out the nose he picked his nose all right oh my god yeah so what does his nose look like now uh they took the door doberman's nose they were like i nose for a nose yeah it's a bird well his name is bird well and no he has it should be dogwell yeah dog knows well it sounds like birdwell is such a weird i kind of like that last name so wait does he really have a

weird nose so they took skin i used to do a joke about it but i think i was wrong i think they took skin from like his thigh but i used to do that he took skin from his ass and made a nose out of it and then that nose grew hair so he had ass hair coming out of his nose that happens sometimes where they take scrotum skin because you guys have so much extra skin on there it'll be used to patch up i saw someone with a um like a finger like their finger was burned so they needed to do a graft or something and so they put it on or their hand and they they put it on their uh finger or hand and then it looked like ball skin on and it grew like it grew like pubic ball skin i mean i think that's cool the only place you should love that change your ball skin is your elbow skin could get a ball skin transplant but you don't put ball skin in.

I mean, ball skin looks ridiculous. I think it would be so funny if I had a part of my hand that was labia skin. I would show it off and be like, my labia's on my hand. I think it's cool. My friend, Catherine, had tore her ACL, and look, the camera's frozen on Noah,

and she literally looks like her head is into her skin laughing. She's been her head back and she literally looks like her head is into her skin laughing she's been her head back and she looks like that guy from um 90 day fiance the little one that's like that has no neck but hot but like so hot um my friend got her acl ripped and got a cadaver's acl which is a popular is it one of the ways that people i have a dead guy's balls did i ever tell you i mean yeah i didn't tell you that yeah that's what you mean you wouldn't have your dead ball guy skin on your hand but you would have your own no i wouldn't want no i'm just saying why are we taking ours i mean that's absurd to skin from your balls i mean get it from anywhere else where it looks like regular skin because you

have a lot of extra skin down there and you then that means you have to take out a piece of your thigh that's going to be uh yeah your balls already look gross enough who cares if you like that's a good point and you i would want to tighten those up if i were with guys i would want to remove ball skin i'd like to take my hand skin and put it on my balls smooth it out a little bit these things are wrinkly boy right i'd have to get an old man's hand and to get the ball shape you that should be a new thing to um but oh yeah if your balls got mangled somehow if your balls got 90 year old you use a cadaver's ball skin or hand skin to match i'm so confused but my friend got a cadaver's acl and i think it's so cool to have someone's a dead person's part in your body i I think it's awesome. I want one.

What do you want? I'm going to go skiing so I can fuck my ACL up. I just want a dead person's body. And I think it would just be a cool story to be like, are you an Oregon donor? Um, uh, I think I do donate to Oregon and,

um, this, I think everything I donate ends up at Goodwills across America. Uh, yeah, I think I'm an Oregon donor because I'm not one of those people that's like they're gonna kill me on purpose so they can give my heart to a oh i didn't know that rich person oh my god people say that all the time it's wow it's yeah it's obnoxious it's you know conspiracy stuff of like i'm not gonna do it because what if um okay what

if princess diana someone like that, needs eyes? And then I happen to be in a car accident the same day, and they could save me, but they go, this girl has some pretty blue eyes, and Diana could really use those. Or whatever happened, she needs something. So they just like, don't work as hard on me, and then they have the eyes for the rich, famous person.

And then Ivanka Trump has my eyes yeah yeah that would be honored she has such impeccable taste and then well you know oh my god you're like yeah i broke my wrist uh we got uh she died yeah but her wrist was just i go i have a uti why are you putting me to death? I saw a guy get shot one time outside a comedy club, a comedy show in LA. And he was shot by the neck area. And when they were walking, he was able to walk out, though. He wasn't like, it grazed him, I guess. This was outside the show, right before the show started. When was this?

Like five years ago. At the comedy store? No, this was in, there was like a weird like bookstore show in la did you ever do it where like i don't know like camille had that show where male yeah oh you mean uh yeah meltdown comics yes meltdown okay and uh and camille i mean what did you say last night there was some show on and you go yeah it stars we were watching oh okay there's a new show called song exploder it's based off a podcast about songwriting and andrew's like you gotta watch song exploder on netflix i go to look at it the first episode is do a lipa and andrew goes i already saw that episode can we watch the next one and then he

starts telling me about it and like he goes, Dua Lipa. Like, you couldn't. Dua Lipa. I can only imagine how many times they said Dua Lipa and you couldn't retain it. And then Kumail, you need to know that name. I mean, yeah. He is free. Kumail?

He's Jack now. Okay, so you saw a guy get shot outside of Beltan Comics. Yeah, and he's walking away. And they put him in, like, a little gown. And his pants were off. So his little ass was out. And I was like, why do you have to take the guy's pants off? Maybe they're prepping it so that they could remove a chunk of it

and put it on his shoulder. True, true. They took his balls and put it on his neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with like face transplants and I wonder if you needed a face transplant and there was a black person, if they would put a black person's face on a white person or vice versa interesting

i take it i take whatever i could get if i didn't have like one of those faces that look like an asshole where it's like sucked in in the middle because people like they tried to do a full head transplant really which is the person died obviously because they cut his head off well at least they tried. Keep trying. Keep trying. Let's get to the news. The news, apparently. I have a feeling there's going to be something in the news that's going to be similar to these things.

That we're talking about. Yeah. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Ah, you heard it here first. All right, yeah. All right.

Got a great show today, folks. I'm pulling up the news. Why are you talking like it hasn't started yet? Because I'm stalling. Okay. Here it is. And here we are. I hope you're having a great time out there.

I was going to say. I was going to wait. Had all the swells. I hope your weekend was as romantic as ours was. What? I don't know. Was your weekend romantic? No, she had the poops.

Mine was. True. Wait, is she okay? Yeah, I stayed up with her all night last night. I came over there. She didn't think I was coming over. She never wrote, come over. I just wrote, I'm coming over to save the day,

because my girlfriend has horrible stomach pain. And she had little zit band-aids on her head. And she's like, you shouldn't see me like this. And she's eating Gas-X. And I was like, this is great. I like you more now than ever. That's great. Yeah, so okay, first headline.

I bought those little zit band-aids that she told me to get they haven't arrived yet but i got a zit yesterday i was so excited i was like oh i can use one of those little patches that brenna told me about oh it hasn't come yet hasn't come yet okay top 20 things that millennials think make you old as well as percentage of respondents who agreed millennials are old right now by the way gen z is the so this is millennials? Yes, millennials. Okay, I'm a millennial. Are you? Yeah, barely. Barely? Is it like right under the wire?

I think it's 81, dude. Up to 40. Oh, up to 40. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think 1981 is the cutoff. I think 1980. I think you might be a Gen X. What would I be? A Gen Baby Boomer? Gen X. We gotta look that up.

Okay. Here we go. Top 20 things that millennials think make you old using cash. Dude, I got those $100. I'm just so confused why millennials are old. The new thing is Gen Z is telling us what makes millennials old. So is this millennials telling millennials what makes them old? I don't understand.

Okay. Remember when Gen Z came out and said if you have a side part, that equals old. If you use emojis, that means you're old. If you write LOL instead of blah blah blah, that makes you old. This is signs that make you old, according

to millennials. Okay, so millennials saying like, guys, let's get together. There's things that are making us look old. Let's stop doing them. Using cash. I agree. I get cash when I perform at this show in LA. And they give me so much cash.

And I don't know what to do with it. I mean, I use it for tipping. That's it. And then you literally can't spend it anywhere. I haven't paid for something in cash. You get looked at like a leper if you bring out cash. Especially, I don't know, I had those $100 bills from over the weekend, and I couldn't get rid of them.

So I went to Golf Galaxy, and I got rid of them real quick. Just you dropped them in the dressing room when you were trying on pants? Yeah. And just lost them? Yeah, it's pretty sad. I literally used of them real quick. You dropped them in the dressing room when you were trying on pants? Yeah. And just lost them? Yeah, it's pretty sad. I literally, I used to have a joke that was like, I lost so much money this weekend. Literally, I lost it. Like it fell out of my wallet.

If I thought about all the money I've lost, not just like gambling or lost it on a bad deal literally fell on the floor or got was in my pockets and i sent it away for laundry and gratefully i've had really honest laundry people in my life that have found hundred dollar bills from when i get these gigs i just like they pay me on the spot and i just put i don't want my purse on me put in my back pocket i forget to check it and they put in a little bag and then and i eventually like give it to them because i'm like you were returned that's so or whatever but um i lose money all that time i lose credit cards all the time i am just i lost those chips the other night essentially cash is like a gift certificate you know like there's no more gift

certificates there's just gift cards remember you used to go to a place and they'd have to write in cursive on it and it's a big looks like a big check that you would win if you get the lotto almost yeah that i always used to say that uh canadian money was a gift card was a gift certificate to to buy things in canada i always look at it doesn't even look like real money to me i'm just like i need to spend this while i'm here on something in this big store that is canada but that's what cash is now in america yes yeah it feels like it feels like monopoly it doesn't even feel real does it it doesn't feel like you can convert it to the numbers that you see in your bank account even though that money's not real although it feels good though because

you don't hold it a lot because you don't have a magazine in your hand like when you actually i was holding on that hundred the other day and i was like this feels nice i forgot this tangible thing like venmo you just here's 50 bucks did i even was that even like that's why bitcoin and cryptocurrency the thing because no one i spend so much more money because i just do apple pay and i go i don't even bring my wallet anywhere anymore i literally just bring my phone and i go click click double and then boop and it does it and it doesn't feel like anything if i walked into the kitchen and you had an actual newspaper and you were like folding yeah i'd be like what the fuck are you doing that's what cash is now yes it's yeah it's obsolete a hanky up your sleeve no millennial did that what are these magicians not how to not to be getting bills through the uh through the

mail oh yeah i literally haven't checked the mail i've said literally a lot today but i literally haven't checked our mail in months yeah there's stuff in there for you okay i'll bring it up yeah i don't think i've ever paid a paper bill in my life and they scare me they scare me so much i what i do is i put them on the side and i go open it later and then i and then i wait until it's so late that it doesn't matter and then i then i flipped it over and written down a note that to myself and never opened the directions to a place yeah dude one time i i kept ignoring this bill from a hospital and it was like eating me up and inside because I couldn't open it and see how much it, because I thought it was going to be hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I ignored this thing for seven months. It's like $5. It was $25. Yeah. And you just couldn't even look at it. I couldn't look at it. So often the things we're similar in like kind of those like weird, like what we like are afraid of.

I won't go to my email anymore. My email is turning into my mailbox where i just go there's some days where i'm just like i used to love my email it's just only good news only cool things and now it is just it's just it's bills it's not even bills but it's just like things that are going to take your time and money to account for and people are waiting um and it's it's yeah it's it's a bad habit to be scared of these things i always remember that book the tools that i read one chapter of yeah and the first tool was fear the first tool was to be excited about fear so whenever i'm like scared about doing something i go i love fear fear makes me stronger i can't wait bring it on i do the mantra that that thing taught me and i

i think about how much i like love the fear and then it makes you just throw yourself into it a little bit more but it takes so long to get there it's all i do like that i remember that one chapter that we both kind of skimmed yeah and it talked about though how uh you gotta say what your fear is like literally verbalize what's the worst what are you afraid of and verbalize it and like get to know it like so for that and learn to love it and realize that like i actually love what i fear bring it on and you're supposed to say bring it on i love fear fear sets me free bring it on that's what you're supposed to say over and over until you um believe it and it actually worked for me to edit my special back in the day writing lists with pen and paper you do that um

yeah i make a to-do list it really makes me i when i do a to-do list before i go to bed you're supposed to do six tasks on it because that's that's all you should be able to get done in a day at most like don't give yourself more than six and then whatever you don't get done um add those those come at the top of your list you should put them in order of importance and whatever you don't get done those go to the top of your list the next day and then whatever you don't get done um add those those come at the top of your list you should put them in order of importance and whatever you don't get done those go to the top of your list the next day and then you make six again and it's just for some reason that helps me get stuff done so much more than literally anything more than a deadline more than someone texting me hey can you send this just having a list and being able to cross it out and um i've never made a list in my life really never in my

life i mean i know you've never made a list of like the top 40 comics to watch but like you've never written a list i'm sorry i'm just it's easy son of a bitch um wait you've never made a list yeah i've never written i've never written down a list in my life one time i made a list of like every guy i've ever like up with. That's fun. I would just write down unknown 60 times. Or a list of your favorite. That was a good joke. Unknown 60 times.

That's so funny. And then Brenna. Zit patch head. Hey, don't you dare. Ledge head. No, she knows I love her. And she's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in person. Why don't you make a list of, you have nothing to do with it. Why don't you make a list?

You had nothing to do with her creation. It's not true. I'm her father. Oh dear. Oh wait. I'm sure that gets said in bed sometimes. Let's get, okay. But I love lists.

Yeah. No, I like going through these though. I feel like we make a list someday well top one bottom woman is is a list and sometimes you make that we and we're gonna do a top one bottom one today let's get to the next uh two i'm so sick of this two yeah yeah let's get into this no if you ever hear andrew say two it's an inside joke that him and brenna have together it's a cute You know couples have cute things I think it's adorable when they do it together

Sometimes they'll do it to me and I go No no this is you and Brenna Don't bring me into Twoo And don't bring it on our show Unless you want to give it to us But I feel like it's your thing We have true We have yum

Something's yum you say yum uh-huh uh we have chacon which is a chicken cone place down the street we just combined it the chacon that's cute and uh we got oh uh i can't wait for this relationship to end um i'm so glad she's moving to chicago so you can uh twolly stop making these words up and sharing them with us no i think it's really cute yesterday i the person that i'm kind of talking to uh we were working on a crossword together and it was like a sound it was the clue was like a sound a dog made sound a dog makes and it ended up being r it was three letters arf it ended up being arf but it could be like you know that it could be it could be yip no it's three letters yeah but bark b r k no it wouldn't be that because it would be actually a

word okay so uh tomato but he wrote down w u f as in woof and i just thought that was the cutest thing like yeah if like anyone else did it that i didn't think was an adorable man i would just be like you idiot woof but i was just like that's so cute you think woof is spelled w u f and so i like well a dog could have a speech impediment it's so cute it's just so funny the things like if you like someone like the things they do as like adorable versus if you did it i'd be like andrew you don't know what wolf is yeah you i I wouldn't be like, that's so cute. Maybe I would. I don't know.

I'm trying to be nicer to you. I'm trying. I am. I'm always trying to be a nicer person. I agree. All right. Next story. They call me the lobster lady.

Virginia, or Jenny, is 101 years old and maybe the oldest person in the world lobstering. 101, getting out on the boat every day. Lobstering? Is that really the verb? Yeah. Okay. I usually get up a quarter of five. I feel like that's a sex move we talked about in that Kama Sutra day. The lobstering.

Where you get in a hot bath and you scream. And you put rubber bands around your hands. And you fuck inside a restaurant yeah oh man uh i usually get up a quarter of five piling into the old ford and drive the winding road to alice in maine 101 whoa i do like this her 78 year old son like i just love when people have kids that are 80 like it's so funny it's like when my grandma had a boyfriend and we'd be like grandma's boyfriend it was just like combining an old and young thing yeah like someone's oh you know her tot uh winston who's 83 yeah she's got a little one

running around how long do you want to work but that's what i was thinking about when i was reading this i was like i could see nikki as 105 being like my pussy is dusty yeah you know well that changed i definitely want to be funny till the end but i just i just know that when you get older you get less funny because you're cognitively like not as much there so i still want to be working and like i just want to be happy so if work still makes me as happy i'll'll still be working. This weekend when I did, I went to Florida on Friday for a Saturday show. I was doing a private birthday party, which I didn't know that I was going to enjoy because those can be such hell gigs. But it was in Palm Beach at- My old stomping ground.

The old stomp grounds where you just used to stomp around. Yep. You were an angry boy oh stomping i it was a really nice section where like the only stores are like gucci and versace and like uh and like yeah all just like the highest end stuff like just who's buying this shit right now like it's so funny to me that stores i went in saxus Fifth Avenue because I was getting Starbucks at the near where I was staying. And I walked past Saks and it was like early in the morning on Saturday. And I was like,

Oh, maybe I could find a dress for tonight or just like browse around these places that, you know, sell $400 shoes that are like, that's the cheapest shoe they sell. And like all these nice clothes, these places are embarrassing to go in now because it's like everything must go things were 70 off because

no one likes luxury anymore because it's right now with the way the world is i think there's like a just a vibe of like having things that are luxury is kind of not in yeah like it's it's more in to do like upcycled things and to like less is more it's not like uh abundances yeah like that was more like 90s 2000s like you know labels and stuff and now it's just you go in there i mean barney's close barney's was like the hippest place to shop up until the pandemic and now it shuttered its doors and i go in the Saks and it's just like overpriced for the fat. What? When you keep saying Saks, I keep envisioning that's the place you go to get ball skin.

To get, yeah. Well, they should get into that business because they can't sell these sweater sets. Can you imagine a bunch of balls on the wall and next to a Gucci bag? Have you seen that backpack that looks like a scrotum that's always on reddit it literally looks like a gigantic scrotum and it's like not on purpose though not like on purpose yeah it look really looks real but um yeah so you'll go in there but didn't you buy something yeah i bought a lot of stuff because

it was all marked down like crazy i bought so much stuff i bought um and i love shopping there because i've never shopped at sax because it's like an old rich woman's store and I went in there and really felt like Julia Roberts. Sounds like Florida grew on you a little bit. Yeah, it was nice. I mean, I was there a very short time. What I was going to say

about the 103-year-old woman is I was at this birthday party for a guy who's 60 years old. He was a huge fan. His wife surprised him by booking me. It was a 50-person event inside this banquet hall and they called it the roast of kevin uh i don't want to say the guy's last name but his whole family was there and i asked if they wanted me to roast him when i initially

got booked for this because that would be very easy i would just write a bunch of jokes and then have them on a paper and read them and have a good time and they'd be specific for him but they were like no just do material he just wants material and i get there and there's a sign that says the roast of kevin but it's his big face and i go why didn't i asked if this him, but they were like, no, just do material. He just wants material. And I get there, and there's a sign that says the roast of Kevin. It's his big face. And I go, why didn't – I asked if this was a roast, and they were like, no. Well, they're roasting him all weekend. It's a whole weekend event. His friends have been roasting him all weekend.

That's why we called it that. But we want you to do material. I go, yeah. Don't have the one person who's best at roasting in the world to your event. And then – you know what? You said yesterday you were like like that'd be like having uh you know we got michael jordan to come and uh we don't want you to play basketball we want everyone else to play basketball and for you to do uh you know baseball to be honest yeah to uh

which he actually did yeah do a um theatrical presentation of space jam it's like why would be good yeah i mean that would be great i mean I mean, I would like that better than a basketball demo. But anyway, the show was so fun. His mom was there. He wanted me to do the most filthy sex material. That's what his wife said. He loves oral sex, especially receiving. He likes jokes about it.

All he does is watch stand-up. I hear your voice all the time, blah, blah, blah. She gave me this amazing intro. I came in everyone he was just so excited um and his 90 year old mother was there who i thought was going to just be in the corner like dying right or like not really present she was so with it had the funniest jokes for me afterwards she was like she told all these like me too jokes of like oh honey i feel like you lived these back in the day like these are all like jokes about like a dentist assaulting a woman and like yeah it was just like but they were funny but they were just like really like jesus christ lady she was 90 and she was so

i go you're spry as fuck like i love you i told her that my bucket list was to eat pussy i asked her what's on her bucket list if we could just bang two out that night i was like let's just do it right now it was she was so fun did she answer no she didn't i probably didn't let her because i was uh scared of losing control of the crowd um but yeah it was she was i just i think that i'll be going that long too there's something about these old people were all so stunning all the women were so stunning they were all in their like 70s 80s and maybe like some were in their late 50s and they all were going up to me being like you're too skinny look at you're so young and glamorous because i was younger than them and i'm just like i can't i want to look like all of you you look so fucking

fancy these were rich i can see you moving into a nursing home now just to feel young. They didn't have too much plastic surgery. They looked, I wanted to look like them. I felt kind of embarrassed that I looked not as regal. So I'm, I don't know, after seeing all these women that just looked really sexy and older and like women that looked sexy in their 60s and 70s and 80s. And this woman in her 90s was like legit gorgeous. And it just made me excited. It was fun. I'll be lobstering. None of these women are working, it sounds like. It sounds like a lot of them are just hanging out by the pool.

Yeah, spending their husband's money on a surprise birthday gift for their... The guy whose gift it was, Kevin, his dad used to own these stores where I go, was your dad... He used to own electronic stores, and he was known as the cheapest guy in town. I go, was your dad he used to own electronic stores and he was known as the cheapest guy in town and i go was your dad one of those guys when you're like

like larry you gotta stop selling all these tvs we're gonna starve to death and he was like yeah and i was like oh that's so fun i always wanted my dad to be the commercial guy in town i was like and i go i'm glad that um i go i bet you inherited his, and so I'm glad your wife booked me, and you're going to be very upset with how much I'm getting for this. I was like, she really spent your money. And she was like, girl. And I asked her if she was good at oral sex, and she was like, how do you think I paid for all of this?

She was very open about like, yeah, yeah, it was great. Next story. Or are we doing top one, bottom one? I can't read yours. Oh, why do I care? Why do I care? An 18-year-old is going to space with Jeff Bezos tomorrow, taking the place of an auction winner

who purchased a ticket in the auction for $28 million, but then no longer could attend because of scheduling conflicts. Do you get a refund on that? He goes on the next flight. He said he's doing a future one. What did he have, a tennis appointment? What the hell? I think he got scared.

I think he got space feet what could that have been he's like they can only give me an unsupercuts at four o'clock on friday so i have to cancel the um that's how rich these motherfuckers are that a guy could spend 28 million dollars to go oh i got a uh a thing i think he got scared is there a cancellation fee like you got to pay 10 million because we have to reschedule you. And so an 18 year old's going in his place. What did this 18 year old do? So the 18 year old has an OnlyFans where she blows basil. No, no, no.

It's an 18 year old who's the son of a guy, this capital guy who's like a billionaire as well who bought a seat, decided to give it to his son. Oh. Because I think he got scared he doesn't care if his son dies to pass rigorous physical tests to go up there another the other guy's 82 this pilot or 81 year old man wow yeah um so an 18 year old who has a rich dad is going

to space yeah i would not want to go to space if someone goes nikki you want to go to space i would pass i have a couple things with space that I just don't understand. Number one, okay, take airplane travel, for instance, right? In the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. In the 50s, it was like, whoa, and it was expensive, and it was like regal, and people would look out the window and be like, oh, my God, there's Tom's house or whatever. Right. And nowadays, we close our shade.

We don't give a fuck, especially the higher we get, the quicker our shade goes down. It's space. By the time it gets cheap enough for people like me or you or whatever, where maybe you'll get on before me, but yeah, you'll go.

I got to move a hair appointment. Yeah. But my point is, by the time it's there, we'll get to space. You're barely outside the earth you're gonna be like oh that's a star like i'd rather watch avengers on my phone i'm gonna close the shade like we're not gonna care right so it's like we're these billionaires

that are like we're we're we're it's like the initial right bro they're trying to like be like the right you're not the right brothers you're just like rich and going to a place what a way we have said about it though i'm confused because because they're saying it like oh i'm doing this so then poorer people can go up one day is that what they're saying yeah that's what or like you dream i i dreamed as richard branson also my other thing is is we went to fucking the moon 60 years ago and these billionaires are like we barely they barely got outside space and i my my point is is like tell me when they get to pluto and open a cheesecake factory right with a smaller menu that's what i want so you aren't sold on space just because it's space like you would be

up but wouldn't you think it's cool to be up there and look out the window or no don't you think if you ask someone 50 years ago can you imagine being on when things become ubiquitous we that's what i don't think they're as cool anymore i mean like black and white but so when you get excited about anything so you just go why am i excited because eventually i'm not going to be as excited i mean a new relationship in the honeymoon phase you're like oh my god right brothers we're up in this we're like but then does that mean they don't get in relationships because that's going to fade it's always gonna fade the initial awe of anything will always fade over time okay so then yeah so then take space travel 60 years ago we landed on the moon right yes so why are we excited again because a billionaire went up there because it

was like a more of a jet kind of plane because it's becoming something that people can do that aren't in nasa and it's becoming you know i mean it's still insanely exclusive but yeah i get what you're saying i'm just saying like it are i don't care at all okay like i literally don't care i don't even know what they're doing up there are they just going to look at the earth from that angle flight is 11 minutes go to imax theater it theater. It's 11 minutes. He's flying. He's getting barely outside into space and then coming right back. Okay. So what is he even doing up there?

He's going to go. He's going to float for two minutes and then be like, oh, I did it for every American. Yes. Give every American a million dollars. Shut up. Give everyone that works in your factories a pee break for 40 more seconds and maybe that could take two of them to space one time yeah yeah um i will say the other day i ordered something on amazon prime and i swear to god

i got a parcel notification like five minutes later of like a parcel and there was a part of me that it was just a separate one part of of me goes, wow, we're there. It literally just like, it's going to be there at some point where it's just going to be like tubes that send things from factories and none of us will, it'll all be machines. I am waiting for the day when the machines take over, when they just turn on us because they said that when it happens, it's going to be- They've taken over your bedroom already. It's going to be- I know. bedroom already it's gonna be dude i think but amazon has all these commercials now where they're

like trying to show that their workers are so happy oh it's like honey bunches of oats factory with like we're making cereal and it's like a happy black woman it's like no this woman is peeing into it was all disabled people another a commercial the other day of amazon workers we have disabled people we're good we're good because a giant forklift of dildos boxes of dildos fell on them in a factory because they were trying to meet their quota they have little timers on them that's why they were disabled i mean yeah every company tries to be like look how green we are even ones that are like exon validate you know those we're so woke while we're throwing oil on a bird oh the dawn soap we help birds clean up one bird gets oil

wiped off of it and we're like oh my god they are so eco-friendly if i buy dawn soap ducks are gonna be saved and it's just like what it tricked me this i mean it's the same thing of when you buy celsius because it says it burns fat. Like you just believe whatever they're trying. No, because it doesn't pour you. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, different reason. All right, let's get to top one, bottom one.

Every Monday, we list the top one, bottom one thing of a category. Me, Noah, and Andrew are today going to say our top one, bottom one. Jobs. Jobs. And no, it's not going to steve jobs or blow jobs these are uh employment positions we've had in our lives bottom job you've had in your life cut to me be like fuck yeah can't do those okay i uh bottom job has to be me working as a fish truck driver a lobster fish truck driver it was actually a place called Lobster Place.

I lost all my money. I moved to New York to be a screenwriter. I took one screenwriting class in New York. And my whole family was like, you've got to have a career. You've got to get a job. There were no jobs. Everything was destitute. What year is this?

Probably 2008, 2007. So my family is all a bunch of rich Jewish people. I thought you moved out of Florida after the market crashed. So it's got to be, you know that was 2008, right? No, that was 2005, I thought. Or no, 2000. What? Okay, I'm sorry.

You lost millions of dollars in that crash. And you don't remember what year it was. It was very, very notoriously. I have PTSD. I take it out of my mind. I know, AG. Did you hear that? He has a PTSD. Long story short, I take

a job to be like, fuck you. I could do a blue-collar job. You guys can't do this shit. It's kind of like you with your dad. I'm going to save this dog. I don't give a fuck. Fuck you, mom and dad. I took this job where I, out of the Bronx, I had to leave at five in the morning. Where did you find it? Craigslist? My brother knew

the owner of the place. Oh, so you still needed family to get it. Fuck you, brother, but can you call your friend? Yeah, dude. Jeb. Jeb. Jeb down at the... Jeb Lobsters. And so I end up having, at a hunts point,

you know how far, that's like an hour and 30 minutes on the train at six in the morning to drive a fish truck i wore again like a button down i gave him a resume with my college degree everyone thought i was an like a like uh you know undercover boss that drove that dressed over cover you know my god it. So I'm in a fish truck delivering fish. Is this when you were a fishmonger? That was when I got a raise. They put me in the fishmonger store. But we would drive the fish truck. We had to carry

like 100 pounds of fish down the stairs. That's what's under all these restaurants. Someone's doing that right now. Oh, I know. I've seen that before where they show up and then they carry all the fish down. Yeah i would stink i'd come back on the train and homeless people would move away from me you know i was disguised smelled like a fucking like a like a like and you were definitely not doing your laundry often this is the time in your life

where you were not taking care of yourself so what what would you do with your clothes you just buy new ones no i just would, I just turned into a sea creature. Did you have friends at this time? Were you doing stand-up? Were people showing up to open mics? This is before stand-up. This is when I was doing screenwriting classes. What?

I don't even know about this time in your life. It's very- Oh, this is a whole fun time. But yeah, so that was my worst job because, dude, one time I was in the fish truck and the guy looks over to me and he got sick. He was throwing up out the window and he's like, you drive. You're the captain truck, and the guy looks over to me, and he got sick. He was throwing up out the window, and he's like, you drive. You're the captain now, pretty much. And I'm driving the truck, and I had to drive him to the ER.

It was wild. Why was this the worst job? I thought he had bird flu, too. What was the worst part about it? I mean, dude. The 6 a.m. hour and 30-minute commute? Yeah, hour and 30-minute commute to literally moving to New York to be a writer, comedy writer, and now I'm in a fish truck.

How long did this last? That was three months, and then they moved me to the fishmonger. And then how long did you do that? Like six months, probably. Dear God, what a terrible time in your life. But you know what? I met some great people. Okay, good.

Okay, well, maybe not so bad. Noah, what was your bottom job? Okay, this happens to be the only job I've ever gotten fired from. Okay. Nice. I was so bad at it. So I worked for a CPA who was an accountant, and I was the bill collector,

and I had to call people and get them to pay their past debts, and it was the worst and most uncomfortable job I've ever had and I sucked at it. Calling, cold calling people? Well, with your voice, Noah's voice being like, hey, hi, you owe $45,000 or we're gonna take away your family's car. Did you get cussed out? They just ignored me or whatever.

I had to go after them. Then I had to pretend to be an actual credit company and write them a letter and stuff. Oh, my God. You know they didn't open that bill. I used to be the receptionist for this company, too. Then I had to work part-time. They were helping me out and they

gave me this job as like the bill collector and i remember getting fired and the guy felt so bad for firing me but i was just like it's okay i'm really bad at this job yes yes just knowing that like i it's okay that i'm not good at this i don't want to be good at this yeah what took you so long to fire me oh my god yes where they're just they politely let you go um yeah i uh that's the my i attempt for a while when i was trying to make ends meet in la and um they called i had a temp job that was like the whole week and they i think they called me on wednesday and they were like you don't need to go in thursday and friday um they're gonna find someone out i was like it was just i was so bad on phones like connecting phones but my worst job for sure you just remind me of i was

gonna say it was that one but it it's either when i know i always do a million of these but it was um it was oh wait i just lost Hold on, let me get it back. I was gonna say babysitting for people who the parents stay home when you're babysitting for the kid. That is fucking, if you're someone who has a nanny and you're there while the person's there,

I know sometimes you have to be there because you're getting work done at your home office and the kids are in the other room. It just, you can't beat the kids when the parent's there. You can't do, you can't eat their snacks as much as you want no you just can't every time the kid gets upset they go run off to the parents and then you look like you're failing but it's just like if

they know you're there they're gonna want you and they're not gonna want the babysitter but the worst job was uh calling i worked at the call center at ku my college my college, my senior year, the endowment center. And you had to call alumni and parents and ask for money to give to the endowment center. Money that they already owe for their student loans. They already owe money. They're already paying for their kids. They're either parents or alumni. They're already given so much school and you have to call and ask.

And there's an ask ladder and you have to start here. And then it's just sales. I hate sales. Any door. My dad made me do door-to-door cable sales for a summer i hate convincing people to spend money on something i don't believe in i just hate it i hate it i remember i had to do door to do going up door to door i i did real estate for you know a long time and this guy and we had a new like boss and he made me like go to the person's house and be like hey do you want to sell your house and the person's like get the fuck out how much you know no no no

but like really like it's it feels extremely awkward doesn't it when you're walking up it's like a slow walk up the driveway yes the the idea that you are just trying it's just you're a shyster like unless i really believe and i don't want anyone to ever spend money on anything unless they want it. I don't want to have to convince you. Same with dating. I don't want to have to convince you to like me. You just got to do it. Otherwise, I feel like I'm lying.

Have you tried door to door with your vagina? I mean, back door to back door. Because guys always sneak me in. That wasn't an anal joke. I have to write back to this thing right now. So, sorry. The font is so small. Okay.

Best job. Top, top, top job. I mean, this excluded? Probably, yeah. It has to be from our past. I'm thinking. I mean, no. Not necessarily.

The most fun people I ever worked for is when I worked in grilled cheese. And I was a grilled cheese cashier. Did you have to greet people when they walked in? Yeah. That's what the guy tried to get me to do. Like, welcome to Moe's. Welcome to Melt Shop. Hey, welcome to Melt Shop.

Yeah, every time you walk in a place, I hate when they go, welcome to Quizzo. And you're just like, you don't. You're not happy. You just hear the door bing. And then you just like, it's like you're on on autopilot it doesn't feel personal but the people i you know a lot of these jobs that i had later on in life i should have had when i was like 17 and i would have learned about work ethic and making money and stuff but i did it when i was you know 30 you know 30 years old but i took this job when when I first moved to New York to do stand-up.

I was sleeping on a couch. And I knew the guy that owned the melt shop. And he gave me a job. And I was the cashier. But the people that worked there, I mean, the job sucked. But they were so funny. I mean, this guy, Dayron. I never told you about Dayron.

I think I've heard about Dayron. Dayron was this black guy from like brooklyn who definitely like he he's just like they say the most outlandish things or he would not they you know what i mean and uh he goes uh he said to me one time he goes um he goes you're you jew right and i go yeah he goes you know i like them girls. They got them green eyes. Oh, yeah, he told me this. He goes, I fuck them so hard they turn black. And I was like, oh. Their eyes turn black. Because he fucked them so hard with his black penis.

And then I go, well, can I have sex with a black girl and make her eyes turn green? He goes, nah, you got that Jew dick. Well, black girls' eyes aren't black, by the way. Yeah. You had to think about that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, but for the joke. Was he saying that the girls' eyes, oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Yeah. I don't know why they would turn black then. I mean, yes, there's the logic. He was saying they would turn black, like their eyes would turn black, or they would, as a person, would turn black. Their eyes would turn black, green to black would turn black, or they would, as a person, would turn black? Their eyes would turn black. Green to black. So you were just making a joke that.

Like, could I change a black girl's eyes to green eyes? Even though some black people do have green eyes. Yes, there's some fallacies in the analogy when I bring it back the other way. Yes, and he said, no, you got the Jew dick, so you couldn't do that. Especially, my dick is too small to turn anyone's eyes any color, which is not wrong. Yeah. I mean, this is all – it all makes sense why you have the dick thing, and this was only playing into it. Oh, yeah.

The fear of not having a big enough dick. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, my girlfriend said my dick's good. Yeah. I'm sure she's happy i lesbians don't complain that their girlfriends don't have a big dick is not that important the size of your dick i'm really serious like i don't understand why people go oh i need a big dick i

need to have a big dick it's like less if you're a lesbian do you think that lesbians and straight women both like the feeling of something inside them? Yeah, but this guy on Sex Life has a long elephant cock. It changed his whole life. Yeah, but that's because women don't understand that you can use dildos. And they go, it's not warm. There's ones that warm up. So you're saying all these women that became fans of this guy, guy not because of his acting because of his long freaking elephant cock they're just not smart enough to think about if they could date a guy with small dick and just have the any size thing

put in them that would feel exactly like that guy's dick it actually would feel better because you can operate a dildo much easier if you're using your hands a A vibrator or a dildo? A vibrating dildo, a dildo, whatever you want. You can operate that. A guy can operate that on a woman much easier than he can with, I always give the analogy of like, if you're trying to, if you have a hammer on your dick and you're trying to nail something, it would be hard with your body to hit the nail.

Whereas with your hand, it's very dexterous and you can do a lot more things with a dildo than you can your dick. But some would say it's it's connected to the body so there's more yeah there's more i get it so put it somewhere else and then have the you know have the other stuff i it's just i don't people go nikki because i was you know talking about the the hooking up i've been doing recently we should do a poll on our instagram um take that poll and shove it up your puss because you don't need i'm just telling women

out there like stop this whole thing of like even i i blew people's minds the other day when i was i i was talking about um i blew my own mind because i've been like a little bit ashamed of being someone who's just only doing everything except vaginal sex being like i have that kind that one kind of sex every time now i hook up like five times a week i'm having yeah i'm going through the back door and there was a part of me that was an anal joke no that was that time um i i think that for a while even you know a week ago i was oh, my God, that's so like I'm such a slut. Like, that's such a gross thing to do. Like, that's a special occasion thing.

Like, oh, my God, what's wrong with you? And then I was like, what about gay men in relationships that have sex five times a week? Would you be would you be worried if you found out a gay couple had sex five times a week? You wouldn't go, oh, my God, he's having anal sex five times a week. But when I say I have anal sex five times a week, it's somehow like, oh, she's such a slut. It's like, no. And it doesn't mean that poop is falling out of my ass all the time and that I just have a gaping.

It's like, none of that is true. Gay men can walk around and not be shitting their pants constantly. It doesn't change anything about you to have more anal sex than that. It could be why you like a small penis though. No, no. I like a small penis though no no i like a big penis actually but i like uh i but that doesn't mean anything to any of my partners because you just went back now you like a big penis i thought it doesn't matter i like big things in me but it needs to be it could be a dildo okay but i like big stuff but i don't need it to be the man's

penis that's operating the things that they could. So if a man has a big dick, then he's coming with something that you like. But a guy with a small penis can bring things in a bag that I like way more than a dick that's connected to a guy. Because sometimes you don't want a big dick. So now you have the option of unleaded or diesel. I ordered so many toys online to get good stuff. So your best job was grilled cheese. And we know what my best job is now.

Noah, what was your best job? Am I allowed to say radio? Yes. Or are we going before that? Okay, so definitely working on You Up was my favorite job ever. And I say it because, you know, when I worked in radio, I had a lot of fun jobs and I really, really love working in radio.

But when I started working on a show called You Up with Nikki Glaser, I feel like all the parts that I loved in radio were there. And then also there was a lot more fun stuff and like bonuses added where it was like, I loved 100% of my job. There was no part of it where i was like dreading or like oh i gotta get this done i love

that yeah i felt the same way and we've put all of that into this obviously and um yeah it just all felt like it came together and i i always felt that from you too of like you were always just having a great time and really grateful for the experience as was I. And yeah, if I take out doing podcasting as a job and radio, my best job was F Boy Island, 100%. Like it was just working in reality, being myself on camera, not having to memorize lines, being able to be funny while also hosting a reality show, which is my favorite kind of thing to to to watch it was just uh the

perfect show it was like my perfect job and i was in paradise i was on location it's a different world you get to meet new people and be on this like cast with people but there's again no memorizing lines i'm doing something i'm extremely good at which is hosting mixed with uh i just was any job where you just feel comfortable and you don't go i'm not ready for today what am i gonna do and then when it's over you go god i just want to hang out every time we would wrap i would wrap and i'd go like i don't want to go back to the hotel i just want to keep hanging at work it was like summer camp and you don't age there yeah oh my god it's like a time capsule it really is all right well let's get to final thought. Um, I wanted to tell you that last night I went on Bumble because I'm, um, my, I convinced my friend to go on Bumble. She's someone that has

been like, I don't want to go on the dating apps. I'm never going to go. They're not for me. And I'm just like, stop this. That's not interesting. I'm so tired of people saying I don't do, I can't do them. It's like, Oh really? really does do you think anyone ever wants to go on dating apps everyone has felt that way stop it stop being like no but you don't understand me i'm different i can't go on those it's so embarrassing everyone feels that way just bite the bullet and do it it's the only way to meet people this girl isn't going out and socializing yeah she's because of covid and and where she lives there isn't places to go i go, it's the only, and I know you're scared people in your town will see you on it, but they're on it if they see you.

So there's nothing to be ashamed of. Just do it. So she finally signed up yesterday. I got to her and I go, you know what? I'm gonna swipe too because it is fun to swipe and to see what's out there. And I started swiping in St. Louis. I found a guy who looks exactly like a guy

that I was once in love with. Literally, I'm going to show you this person and you tell me how much they look like the person. It is honestly insane. Wait, what's going on here? This is update my profile. No. It says I'm three feet. No. Do I work out?

Skip all this shit. I just said I'm three feet on here. They're not going to believe that. And you don't work out. No, I'm skipping all this. You got to work out if you're three feet. Wait, what did i just said i'm three feet on here they're not gonna believe that you don't work out i mean i'm skipping all this you gotta work out of your three feet why wait what did i just said i was a weird religion i think i just said i was not a weird religion but not my religion so right now you're three feet you don't work out and you're hindu okay look at this guy he wrote back to me i can't even read what he wrote because i'm nervous um look at this guy's picture and you tell me this isn't the St. Louis version of someone I was once in love with.

Keep going. Keep going on it. Go down. Go. His name? Can I say his name? Yeah. Andrew.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're just- Isn't that insane how much that looks like someone from my past? Like, identical. And I'm horny for him. I don't even know this guy, and this guy is not someone i'd generally be attracted to but because i was attracted to the spirit behind the person that

this guy reminds me of i am now projecting all of that onto him and i'm going to actually have closure i wrote the guy can i can i go to it did you already read what i wrote no i'm just amazed by how much he looks like him it's i he's like a he has a bon I said hi you're one of the best looking men in st louis congrats that was my intro on bumble he probably doesn't get it that often because he's he's not traditionally that handsome but to you i said in st louis yeah i said you're one of the best looking men in st louis congrats i think that's a good intro. Noah, is that too much? Be honest. I like. I think it's cute. It's obviously not like

real. I'm not hating on it. He said, thanks, but most of my friends say I just take a good picture. Maybe meet for a drink sometime if you'd like to weigh in on the debate. I like that. Nice. Cute. He drinks, but I'll watch him drink. I'm definitely going to meet up with this guy. A hundred percent. He's so cute. He looks exactly like that guy. I'm not going to tell him that, but maybe'll watch him drink. I'm definitely going to meet up with this guy. 100%. He's so cute. He looks exactly like

that guy. I'm not going to tell him that, but maybe he'll hear this. Whenever he looks with an umbrella in his hand. Okay, we've got to go. Well, thank you. Fashion X. Stop it. What? Fashion X. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the show this week. They're always on Reddit being like, what do these fashion

X mean? What are they trying to hint and it means nothing you guys I did I mean there's stuff here and there but I'll it will all be revealed at some point thank you so much for listening to the show today we have a great week lined up for you I'm going to reconnect with an ex on one of the episodes this week right Noah

yes stay tuned for that yes we're going to have a listener mail as we always do on thursday tomorrow we will have a reddit dump i've got some good stuff for you and andrew will be here all week and we're gonna be here in st louis together and i can't wait thank you for listening besties uh follow us on instagram nikki glazer pod it's private so you'll have to be uh request access and um rate and review on whatever podcast thing you listen to. Do you listen to podcasts on a device?

Spotify. Oh, you do Spotify. Okay. I do Apple podcasts, but I think I'm going to try like Stitcher, one of those. I don't even know. Who even knows anymore?

Or maybe the iHeart Radio, the iHeart app, which is a great one because we are an iHeart Radio podcast. Yeah, go to iHeart. That'd be a great place to go. And that's probably the easiest way to find us. And they have so many good podcasts, especially in our sweet network, Big Bunny Players.

I love them. Yes. It's Will fucking Farrell. We always forget about that. Yeah, Will Farrell has put a stamp of approval on this show with Lost Call Teresa, Poog, and what was that? There's the Daily Zeitgeist. Langston Kermit.

Kermit. Kermit. You're friends with him. Right? So anyhow, let's get out of here. That's your friend, Kumail.

Thanks, guys. We will catch you tomorrow on the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Don't be kuh and just get through. John Stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

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