The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #73 Old Copper Brand

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

Between you and Nikki, being able to surrender and let go of expectations can be a gift. Broadcasting from Tulum, Mexico, Nikki is amongst her best friends and last night Kerstin made her laugh harder than anyone. Andrew is wrapping his head around period sex and Nikki recommends a lube job. You heard it here first, women in sports need not be sexualized, Andrew shares an inside story, another unfortunate "ledgehead" and Ben and J-Lo are basic on a boat. In "Top 1,Bottom 1" they share stories about hotel experiences. In the Final Thought, Nikki reads cards from a couhl game she played with her girlfriends. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF,

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on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there.

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Here's Nikki. Yeah, here I am. Hey, guys. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Monday. We got a full week of shows for you live from Tulum, Mexico. That's right. I'm in Tulum, Mexico. That's right. I'm in Tulum.

Some of you know that. Some of you maybe didn't know that, but it's true. I'm here on a girl's trip. Before I kick off my tour this Friday in San Antonio, I think tickets are still available. NikkiGlaser.com slash tour. I decided to have, and it's not really to kick off the tour. Like yesterday we were doing a toast to like, we're all here because Noah is here.

She's one of the six, seven girls that are here, including myself. Each friend is just from a different walk of my life and they all are going to be best friends after this. And hopefully, you know, we'll be doing this forever,

but Noah is here. So glad this is the first girls trip you've been able to make it on. I've been doing these for a while. And it's this one's different than all the others. We'll get into that in a second. But last night we were toasting like the first dinner we got here yesterday. We all flew in. Shout out to my assistant Jen for nailing the arrangements to get us here because I'm not good with all logistics.

There was a guy that came. Our flights were all arranged so that we arrived in different groups and then we drove and everything was just really well taken care of. And I'm so grateful for the people in my life that treat my life like their own and make me feel very safe and secure. Noah being one of them who talked me off the ledge yesterday when I was at, I was a ledge head yesterday. You, I was at the airport and I realized that I forgot pieces of equipment that I ended up not forgetting one of them, but I did, I didn't do a good job of bringing equipment. I just grabbed a bunch of cords in the morning. I didn't pack until the morning. I was just running around. There was no fault. I tried to blame it on like, but I was hanging out too late with someone who wanted to hang out

with me. It's like, no, that's, you wouldn't have packed even if you didn't stay up until midnight or whatever it was or three in the morning eventually. Um, so, uh, yeah, it all went the way it's supposed to. And there've been a few hiccups. Uh, but I did the thing where you swallow water and put your head between your legs, and the hiccups are gone, or they're slowly going away because my friends are so positive and sweet, and they're making me feel really good

and just great about things that I'm trying. I'm just in a negative headspace in a place where literally, Tulum is a special spiritual place that's supposed to be, like all my friends have done research on this place I literally didn't do any research let me start there I did not I've heard of Tulum for years wait we were I wanted to finish the toast thing they were doing a toast and they were like toast to Nikki's tour Carlisle you know classically my friend Carlisle

Forrester is so enthusiastic about things that I'm kind of jaded about. It's not that I'm not excited for tour. It's just a lot of work. And I don't like celebrating things until the work is over, even though it's going to be fun. Like, kicking off, like, it's going to be happy and exciting. But I was like, no, let's not celebrate that. We ended up toasting something really, like, dumb that was at, oh, a picture that Kirsten took. We ended,

I go, let's toast that. It was a picture. Kirsten, my best friend since fourth grade, one of the originators of K. She is a trainer at her gym and she recently did portraits, you know,

where they put the trainer's picture on the wall at the gym. And, um, she's a tree. If you're from Kansas city, she works at, Oh God, what's it called?

She's going to kill me for not knowing the name. doesn't matter it's like the nicest gym in kansas city she's one of the best trainers in the world probably pilates uh extraordinaire and she she's reading a autobiography of a biography of the guy who created pilates right now like she read that in bed last night we were sharing a room uh it's insane that she's interested in that but um uh so we we cheers to her because she showed us the picture and she like nailed this picture you know she's not like a model or like an entertainment but she just looked so good and we were like that's something to cheers and i felt like better about that that's what this trip has been is like just talking about real big

like heavy things that seem like have all the importance of the world, like this tour, but to go on and then shifting and being like, actually, sometimes it's the small details that are hilarious and more worth celebrating. And, um, it's just been, it's been a lesson for me and it continues to be, and we will get into that later. Um, yeah, but yesterday I freaked out because I had forgotten equipment and just hastily grabbed it. And I'm sure, listener, that you relate to this in some way of, you know, first you make, let's say you get to the soccer practice. You were supposed to bring orange slices or whatever. And you had them cut and you totally forgot them. They were on the counter.

And now you're telling yourself, I'm such an idiot. If I wouldn't have, I was watching the view too long or like whatever it was that I took a too long of a shower and then I curled my hair. I didn't need to do it instead. So, cause I had to curl my hair. Now I forgot the orange slices. You didn't mean to forget the orange slices. You didn't want to, you didn't like sign a contract being like, yes, I can't wait to forget orange slices. You just did let it go. Nikki. Yes. Noah did send you a list of equipment because she asked you do you want a list and I said I actually said no and I go actually give me one or like I said no but like

no it's not your fault I didn't send you one I said no list I was like I got it and then I think you were like I go should I bring anyway it doesn't matter we talked about it but I only referenced what I gave it a thumbs up when I saw it but i didn't read it when you sent it it was days before and then when i went back when i was packing in the morning hastily i had to go to walgreens right before to get my add med prescription turns out you can because i was like how will if they run out in mexico i which they were supposed to i had four left they'd run out here oh no what would i do oh i don't know go to the local pharmacy that's within two minutes of walking and buy as much of it as I want over the counter it's insane that you can buy my ADD meds that

literally every time I buy them or get them in the states I have to get a new prescription call my doctor have an appointment for a while I had to drive to my doctor's office pick up a paper prescription bring it to Walgreens they treated me like I was a you know a meth head or something suspicious like you just feel bad there's all this stigma around it here it is literally like buying certs yesterday we were trying to buy water and that it was at this pharmacy and I go oh my god there's my meds that I like freak out every month because they're so hard to get I feel like I have to scam someone to get them even though they're prescribed to me by a doctor who has assured me you didn't trick me into giving these to you I'm not someone who can be bought or tricked you really

need them he works with me on that all the time the shame of these things he's like you need them um I work on that so much and then I get here and the water took so long it was taking we're trying to buy like 20 like water like just the same water like ring up at once and then times it by whatever and then let's run the card it was taking forever and I go it's so ironic that water is harder to buy than ADD meds in Mexico water is like they were like can we see ID we needed a prescription for it but um that was wild to me and I took a picture of all right videoed yesterday I think you could probably still see it on my story of the signs that were in this pharmacy that were like do you have pain try our painkillers do you want to lose weight diet pills can help you drink celsius um no it didn't say that but this the

signs here just like from a dystopian world of like it's almost like a idiocracy of like pain pills can fix your pain it's easy and fun and it shows people like on a beach frolicking and it's like that is what that was like the what led to the opioid epidemic in the states is marketing like that but even the marketing that they did in the states back in the day when it was more brazen was not that they were just putting their you know they were just pharmaceutical reps were just going around saying that giving pens to doctors and being like we'll give you more pens if you and more money if you spread this but even they weren't going like i guess they were saying like

you could be pain-free with our pain meds it's just so weird to see pain meds being like advertised like they're not the and i know they help a lot of people when they're used responsibly i don't want to take away from that but over the counter they should not be and pot is illegal here and oh yeah steroids do you want muscles it literally goes do you want to be have more muscles try our steroids like there's signs like that it's it looks like you're on a set of something that like someone made these signs i would get the art department i go these signs are a little bit on the nose and can you just make them a little bit more vague they're hilarious so go look at my story for that i'm sure you guys have seen it people have been to mexico i just have never really seen something like that um no you did you were just so nice to me um you always are

i don't think you've ever once made me feel bad about anything or tried to make me feel bad people don't make you feel anyway um why would i wear a team i know but it's easy for it's easy for people when they work together to disappoint each other and when you get disappointed to have a honest reaction to that of like oh nicky forgot like this is gonna be a mess for me and just even for yourself go okay well um I wish you would have done that like to be annoyed like there's no you're always just like it's gonna work out it's gonna be fine there's always gonna be a way and it was like so nice and like just what I needed and then became a very uh poignant like that starting my trip at Lambert Airport in St louis texting you as i i was meeting up with kirsten kirsten flew from kansas city to st louis and then we flew from st louis

to cancun and i was meeting up with her at the airport like old school 9 11 days of like meeting someone at a gate but it was only because she was only already in the system and uh she was holding a place for me at starbucks because i was going through tsa and i was like get in line and i'm walking up and i'm texting you about it and going like, I forgot the XLR and the blah, blah. And Kirsten's like, Nikki, and like wants to hug. And I'm just like, I'm so sorry. I'm like going through it. I like pushed her away because I was so like in the moment.

The guy in line behind her, he goes, this girl's been saving your spot in line and letting people go ahead and like waiting. And I like couldn't even hug her or be nice. And then we get up to order and she doesn't even want anything so everyone in line is so pissed at me because this girl has just been not even it was like so embarrassing anyway I was so distracted I was in such a bad mindset and then um and then we got here and it uh it got a little worse uh which I'll talk about later but um listen have you guys been to Tulum before? Has anyone been to Tulum out there listening? Do you guys know about it?

Because I had always heard of Tulum as like this place that, I think the last time I talked about Tulum with someone was, they were like, it's a magical place, really like earthy. And like, you go there to do like mushroom. Like, it's just like, it's a magical place um really like earthy and like you go there to do like mushroom like it's just like it's almost like i thought it was gonna be like burning man but like like coachella like everyone pretends like it's about like the earth and music but it's really about being seen and being hot and like partying and like so i was a little annoyed at the idea that there was gonna be i think the maid is here. Hi, it's Sarah Lena.

Oh, Sarah Lena, hi. We're talking about you. Yeah, we're doing the podcast still too. Yeah, yeah. Good job. Thank you. She said good job. She's so cute.

That's one of the girls that we're with. You can see her on my story. She's a model and beautiful and lovely and truly one of the only people who's as hot as they are on the inside and outside. And it's infuriating. But also, she's off the market market so she's not a competition anymore so thank god i can relax around her um she uh so i always knew tulum as this place that was like young people loved so i assumed it was going to be um i also heard that this town has been like the ruined the land is like falling off like tulum's not going to exist much longer because it's been so over commercialized that like all the hordes of tiktokers are coming here and ruining the plumbing ruining like the infrastructure

because there's too much tourism and that tulum is like going to not be able to be like inhabitable for or like hospitable to hordes of people for a while. So it was like, oh, let's get in before it goes into the sea. And, um, I also met a woman, how I ended up here was I met a woman through my friend Gleb, my ex dance partner on Dancing with the Stars, who was like talking about how she helps out influencers get deals and she was like oh and I go I never get a deal and she was like I could probably get you one and I was like all right and so she worked out a deal with this place called The Nest in Tulum you can look it up it is um I didn't because I just assumed it was dope as fuck and it is

for a different type of person. I just want to say that like, I am growing to love this place when I changed my mindset because I was thinking it was going to be like a resort with like a pool and electricity. And no, it has electricity. Like I just thought there would be amenities and like really like posh,

like luxury because of how much it is. And I'm not getting it for free, but I'm getting a chunk of it for free in exchange for posting it on my Instagram. And I want to just say that this place is ideal for a certain type of person. And it's going to be ideal for me when I let all of my expectations go.

And that's the important lesson of this week is that certainly don't have expectations when you haven't researched something. When I literally did not Google this place or anything about it. And then get here and go, oh, it's a little more rustic than I thought. It's a lot more rustic. And it was a letdown initially because I was expecting something else but now that I'm changing that mindset and being like oh this now can be like a trip where we actually do get away from our phones and away from technology there's no tv to watch f boy island on because I have a screener like we're gonna gather around my laptop and hopefully get a wi-fi single signal now today we're gonna

do meditation we're gonna do some journaling we We're going to like, uh, play, uh, light as a feather stiff as a board because we're bored enough to play light as a feather stiff as a board. Like I've been really, um, yesterday I was in a sour mood and then all of my friends are like, no, this place is amazing. Here's why. And they let me see it. And it truly is like a special spiritual place. And I'm, I bet by Thursday I'm going to be like crying cause I'm leaving here because it is a test of me getting away from technology and my creature comforts and my oatmeal that I brought literally you guys I brought like 40 packets of oatmeal just in case I didn't like the food here

and my protein powder like it it cost me money to bring that stuff because no it didn't it almost didn't both my bags were 50 pounds like I just got under it and I go oh sweet I can buy some stuff because I'll by the end of the trip I'll be I've eaten the oatmeal and but they don't have a microwave they don't so I'm for me that's a gift to surrender as someone with an eating disorder that likes to be regimented about what they eat and like know when I'm getting the food I have to like let go and just trust that the food they provide is delicious and it was I had avocado toast for breakfast which is the first time I've had something other than oatmeal and protein powder for breakfast

in over a year. And I know that's crazy, but I didn't eat breakfast for a year. So the fact that I'm having anything for breakfast is a miracle, let alone departing from my tried and true oatmeal with protein powder, which is still delicious and I will go back to it. But listen, that's a gift.

That is a gift to me is that, and this whole thing is a gift. I'm not acting like this is like, it just, I had expectations. I was disappointed, which is constantly my life is just expecting things, fantasizing. I get the thing and it's not what it lived up to. And then I'm mad at it when really, if I had none, I would be so happy. And all of my friends walked into this with no expectations and they're all happy noah thought i like the way you're thinking yes i think you're you're definitely like on track to letting go of uh negative energy yes i this place is a really negative place and it it sucks when you're the

only and it's funny too because i keep just roasting this place in a way because i am someone who doesn't like camping doesn't like the outdoors i love being when i'm paying a lot for something which even though they're giving me a deal this place is not cheap and um and it's not because i'm like i'm paying a lot i want like i understand i just the amount of money i spent i just thought assumed it was going to be a certain way because why would anyone pay that much to have a kind of camping experience that's luxury camping glamping that's okay people do do that right and it's okay to be upset because you're not in the setting that you originally wanted to be yes i wanted it to be what it was when i went to cabo with all the girls i wanted it to be the it was when I went to Cabo with all the girls. I wanted it to be the same. And it's not.

And everything in me wanted to go, like, well, I'm going to leave. And I want it to be this. And I'm looking at places to go. And I'm on my bed. And instead of just going, how can I actually, you know, like my parents' trip that they got sent back from Germany and they never even went to Greece. I told them, like, something good will come of this. And so something awesome already has come from this, but something really good is on the way because I didn't freak out and make everyone leave

and go somewhere else because I wanted to be able to watch TV. Like that's ridiculous. I don't even like TV. It's just like, you know, you just get in your head that you deserve something. So let's talk to Andrew about it. I know Andrew would love this place. I am so lucky to have such positive people in my life, especially when I'm the one that like, just always is telling you to be positive about things, negative things happen.

Even if you're like, you know, I even said like if marion would have died a couple weeks ago i was like able to see the good in that and address that like something good will happen of it if i'm able to do that with a dead dog that i love so much how can i not find the beauty of a luxurious like rustic enchanted like place that people do pay so much money to stay and have an experience here and i'm being a little bitch about it is just not it's it's okay nikki but it's you can do this and you can actually it's it's not that hard to take something that people would love to do just because it's not your cup of tea maybe you can make it your cup of tea or maybe you learn that this isn't for you and you learn because i i just get really frustrated when i go who who does like this like who would want who who would want to spend the same amount of money for a place where you have

a pool and a cabana boy and like thousands and thousands of square feet to have in the middle of a jungle with um i mean like it is not like you know i just but it's because i'm not everyone and there are all different types of people and like we learned in the first episode of ted lasso second season um people are all types of people i think that was the quote i don't even really know what it. It actually wasn't one that resonated with me deeply, but I think it might someday. Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew! Can you hear me from Tulum?

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Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, Andrew. Hola. Hola. How's Tulum? I just got done talking about it. Different than I expected, but I am embracing it. That doesn't sound positive.

No. You know me. I have expectations for things, and when they deviate from my expectations, which I shouldn't have expectations because I literally didn't Google Tulum or anything about this place. I let my assistant blindly book it all. And I came into it. It wasn't what I expected and it was jarring.

And I was very like, like really a pill for a good amount of time. And then now I'm finally embracing it and being like, okay, this is different. It's just the word rustic comes to mind. Luxury rustic. Okay. What does that mean though? Like you have no toilet paper?

Ask me about it. Ask me about the different things about this place. Okay, is there a restaurant in the hotel? Yes. Okay. How's the restaurant in the hotel? Yes. Okay. How's the food? Any options? Actually, delicious.

Is it too clubby? Yeah, I just had avocado toast. It was amazing. It's not too clubby, though? I feel like Tulum is like the new Cancun. No, it's not. Right. There are clubs here.

We passed them on the way, but we're a little bit more off the beaten path. Oh, you're at the Moritz. The Moritz of Mexico. Yeah, the Mor it's where we stayed in uh no um the more it's uh was it had a tv and like oh there's no tv in the room no no no there's no tv no it's like this is a place you go we realized on a honeymoon that's why they didn't have any like i wanted to rent a whole like villa that had like multiple rooms and like a place with a common space and like kitchen and they were like no we don't have those you can rent six different rooms and i was like okay that's fine and i figured like one of them would

have a living room because it would just be like but this is a place that couples go to be like on honeymoons and like get away from technology get away from everything connect with earth be one with nature it's like in the it's in the woods you have to like walk through trails that have like branches through you know it's like you have to hike a little bit to get everything's saint like sandy paths it's really like beautiful and i was just going from room to room and i was like oh this place is actually like gorgeous and tropical and beautiful but um yeah, no TV, no plug next to your bed for your phone.

It's like one plug in the room. Or vibrator. Last night, Kirsten and I, for entertainment purposes, when we were going to bed, we turned on her phone flashlight and projected light on the wall. And then we were doing hand puppets, like cave people. like you know like

we're entertaining ourselves with like yes and uh we were doing like she was making me laugh so hard i was so tired last night we went to bed and i she was making me laugh so hard with some of the things shape she was making and the sound effects and i'm going to share them on our story because i don't even know that they'll translate enough to like actually be funny but i i literally haven't laughed no offense to anyone in the room noah or uh andrew i've never laughed this hard in years yeah i was crying because she was making because at first she was like doing dogs and stuff and she'd be like i'm a dog but the dog would look kind of fucked up because it's her hand and she's not good at it so she'd be like this is a dog with a like hematoma or

whatever like just and then at one point she would made this shape that was like this is just like a like a like an amoeba and she was just like she was making it like fart and make weird noises she was like it's just a blob that's like and it was so funny the sound she was making um and i was crying laughing to the point where i got mad at her because i was so calm and when you laugh so hard your heart rate goes up and like i was it was like i just did speed i was like i can't go to sleep now because i just laughed so hard i feel sick and my stomach was hurting it was really wonderful we've been laughing a lot but um yeah it's just this is a place you go and also kirsten was like i feel like this is a place you'd go to like alone to like

write a book and i'm treating it as like girls weekend we're hanging out and playing games and like making up dances there's no room just to make a dance there's no like that's not what this place is and so now today we're just gonna shift and and do like, you know, we're going to whittle branches later and make a fire with a piece of glass. It's just like camping. No, it's not camping. Someone's going to have the conch shell. One of you are going to die. I think it's like by day four you might kill.

I don't have an ego death. I think we might do mushrooms on one day. I'm trying to find mushrooms because I go, let's lean in all the way to the spirituality of the place and just. Just go in the woods and find some berries. This seems like a place where you go to do ayahuasca. Just start checking out some different berries, you know? Figure it out.

Yeah, just experiment. What about you? You're in Chicago. Oh, man. Yeah, in Chicago. I moved Brenna here. We drove from St. Louis. It's hectic, a move.

She's moving for her life. She didn't have that much stuff, though. She didn't have that much stuff. She lived a little bit like a gypsy. She got rid of a lot of her stuff. It's like a sad thing to be you know moving a a girlfriend also um you know she is uh whatever on her period and i think it might add to the sadness and um but we were just talking about this that is so weird it's great that brenna finally got her period but um we're

just talking about how young she looks no offense b Brenna but um it's really exciting that she got it no uh we were just talking about this how when you're on your period you're and I've said this before my old abusive therapist used to tell me because I go like but I'm on my period right now so she goes no your feelings are real just when you're not on your period you're you have more walls up and so when your period happens your body is like fighting cramps and all these things and let's you're just it's not that you're more emotional the emotional you're as emotional as you would be but you don't have any defense for it you're weak yeah yeah she's like we were in bed and we were she was crying and then i started shedding tears and i was it was just like intense. Oh, someone cried with their girlfriend.

I know. We were holding each other and I was like, she's like, you're just laughing. I was like, these are real tears. I had to prove to her that they were tears. Did you do the thing where you wiped the tears on her face like you did in college with your ex-girlfriend to show how much you cared?

I would say yes. You were a little bit proud of your tears, though. Oh, for sure. They're coming out of both eyes, for sure. Did you watch Ted Lasso? Is that why this happened? No, I haven't watched it yet. Oh, okay.

I actually think that's in the second episode. Never mind. It was interesting. Then we, you know, period sex. I know how you feel about it. I honestly, like, if I was going to be completely honest, I was a little disgusted by period sex. I don't know why it scares me. Maybe the blood.

Maybe an STD thing. Blood, and you have a fear of AIDS. And it's not that you think anyone that has blood coming out of their vagina has AIDS, but it's just like when I was operating on Brenna's foot and I nicked my finger, you freaked out because there was blood. And I also was like, yeah, you're scared of blood, dude. But we're on day three or four. We're both on it of day three or four at a period. And the flow is it's on you it was all over me but so she it's on yeah

she's on it and it's on you so it's interesting well we have a white mattress where you can probably see the blood still it looks like i killed a ferret um but uh i she she she was like why a ferret why is there like a long like. Because there's not that much blood. Oh, well, maybe a mouse or like a mosquito. All right, go on. But it was just funny because, you know, because, you know, what happened. And I feel for women because like, let's say you want to go on this vacation to Tulum or whatever. And your period is during this time, during your vacation time. And you want to have sex.

And now you're stuck in a window of like if the guy doesn't want to fuck on a period now i'm have to fucking worry about like syncing up and you're gonna hate the vacation so i'm leaving in a couple days so we want to have sex before you know right and so anyways so we had sex and uh she's like no i think i'm good and then we realized you know halfway through a condom make you feel better no i'm fine i so so what what i was getting to is like we were having it and then it was funny she realized she wasn't completely done bleeding and um she went to get a towel and i was like oh she's cleaning me off and then she just laid it on the bed like a like a g and uh

you know and then i started getting into it, and I started getting animalistic. Like, yeah, I like that it's dirty. I like that it's bloody. I started leaning into, I don't know, being a goddamn animal. So it's pretty badass. Yes. Yeah, it actually turned me on. Good job.

Yeah. I think you make a good point of there is, when I'm on my period, I feel disappointed when I have to tell a guy that I know it's never ideal like if maybe there are some guys that prefer it and they're just like I'm not kink shaming or like if you like it but most of the time it seems like an inconvenience and even if you are okay with it it's just like it puts a red damper on the whole thing but and then there are these times where it's like oh we got this hotel we spent all this money to have like the sex and now you're on your period or oh we have to say goodbye. And like these are the three days we get to be together and they're the worst of your rag.

And it's like that's why I think first of all, I guess blowjobs. Yeah. Blowjobs, anal. But then anal as a whole, if you're not into blood, you probably won't be into what's up there. And maybe that girl doesn't want that and the guy doesn't even want that so you're if you're someone who just enjoys vaginal sex and you're a little skeeved out by period blood um you just have to find ways around it titty fucking um jerking him off oh my god i am so into jerks hand jobs with so much lube that you have to put a towel down because you're just you, if you haven't used lube

to give a handjob before, girls, I hate handjobs. I used to be so insecure about them because I don't know the right rhythm and like a guy does it better himself. You know, at least when I'm blowing someone,

if I feel like I'm bad at it, at least like I can't see the disappointment in his face because my head is down there. But a handjob, you can look at the guy and you can just kind of see his overall vibe unless you're closing your eyes which why would you close your eyes during hand job but when you get it all like guys don't ever you and you're a dry boy but i swear to god a really really lubed up like more than you would

want because and girls if you're like oh but my guy uses lube so that's not going to make it different they don't use a lot of lube and also if you get the flavored lube like emily um sex with emily told us about the period blood flavor yeah that one's great it's like very irony it tastes like pennies um period blood, but it's the kind that tastes like copper. Hell yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. But that, I just really want to recommend

to people, first of all, I think you just recommended try to get over your fears and maybe find the joy in this thing, the rustic sex you're having. You're finding the joy of it. Oh, it's animalistic. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm in the rainforest. It's animalistic. Tulum is period sex for me.

It can be, I can embrace it and actually enjoy it as opposed to putting up with it. Yeah, you have a rustic hotel. And having expectations of what it's going to be. And I have a rusty pussy. A lot of rust going on here. Yes.

It's very similar, but I just want to say I really want to recommend to anyone who thinks they have the sex game figured out, you like your sex life, adding, especially when you don't want to have sex

or like you're sore because you already had too much of it, he wants to go again or there's some kind of thing or you're not having vaginal sex and you don't want to have any anal sex because you might think things are going happening break out the lube the get yourself some flavored lube or just lube in general and give them a crazy really wet

put a towel down uh sloppy like hand job and they will fucking love it and you will too because it's fun to play with a penis if it's that slippery yeah and like and you don't use your saliva and then if you if it's flavored you can like lick it too but i really recommend handjobs with lube guys don't even know to ask for it you know what i recommend to them happy as a guy with a handjob uh or that gives himself handjobs uh The problem is, even if we go lefty with a hand job, it's going to feel foreign to us and we're not going to hit the same nerves that we're used to.

And you would think it would be better because it was different, but we're so efficient with our right hand or whatever hand you do jerk off is that you know exactly where to hit, exactly where to feel. So if I was a girl, I would almost jerk off a guy

from his point of view from his face coming down i'm really sorry to do this to you do you know what i'm about to do to you what oh you said this in a bit this is like my bit i literally andrew i'm not even joking you we are so meant to be friends i the first time i gave a hand job was in 2000 oh yes i'm sorry i'm sorry and i was in a bathroom and i yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was in a bathroom. So you come around. And I did it from behind because I thought it made sense to me that guys always do it

themselves. And handjobs are the things that guys go, I can do it better myself. So I go, I'll do it like him from behind. Yes. I say, like, I'm showing him a new golf swing or we're doing an improv game. Like, whose line is it anyway? I'm like, I'm Wayne Brady. And I go like uh and then but i

really did use that same logic yeah there's nothing but the other day i was giving a hand job let me ask you this and i said to him and we're very like the person that i'm hooking up with we're at the point now after we've been hooking up a little bit like we're very comfortable but like do this don't do that no one gets hurt no one gets offended and i go will you just show me what you do to jerk off and he was like i want you to do he was like no like i want you to do your own thing and like i want it to be different than that so that was an interesting thing too of like i don't know if he was because i've always wanted to catch a guy jerking off and like i think it's hot to see a guy jerk off and i think a lot of guys have shame about it or like it's just something they do in private that are just i remember tom takar used to see a guy jerk off. And I think a lot of guys have shame about it or it's just something they do in private.

I remember Tom Takar used to have a joke about catching his own reflection in the computer screen when it goes dark of jerking off and the face he makes. And I just remember how guys would laugh at that in the audience. So every guy is kind of ashamed of how disgusting you look when you're doing it.

So I think... Well, last night, that's how I... I may think the guy that I didn't want to show me. I came to completion by jerking myself off. What I love to do is I'll have her, you know, masturbate to herself and we'll just like look at each other, but not like, but it's still dark enough. Not like bright.

Yeah, mutual masturbate. Mutual mat, whatever. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, yeah. Mash, yeah, mash it up. Well, this is, I love that we talk about sex so openly that these things are, you know, usually things you have to give a disclaimer on. Like today's episode has graphic imagery, but this is just another Monday for us on the Nikki Glaser podcast. How about we get to the news?

Oh, apparently it's coming up. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

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I'm kind of jealous. I'm seeing you guys in this beach wear. I got to be honest, but I know you're having all the swells down there, having a great time. I'm having swells here. But you're jealous of not being able to see girls in beach wear, or you're just jealous of being at the beach? Like you kind of want to see me and my hot friends in beach wear.

Yeah. I got some hot friends, by the way. Oh, yeah, you do. It's crazy. Everyone's so beautiful and their best self here. And we just feel free to be like naked and free. Fuck yeah. Yeah, compare pussies.

Sorry, that came off strong. No, we definitely will do that before it's over. I think there's a pussy comparing tent that they have here. Oh, is that bingo all night? Yeah, it's the PCT, the pussy comparing tent. There's a special one here, and then you put up a crystal inside of yourself. I bet there's a lot of crystal stuff around here. People do.

Yeah, we're like the only ones here, too, by the way. It's awesome. Okay, what's the news, dude? First story. Pink supports the Norwegian women's beach handball team and offers to pay fines they slapped with for wearing shorts instead of bikini bottoms for the championship against Bulgaria.

So these women, they have to wear shorts 10 centimeters or shorter by the Olympic committee. They're like, you have to show your pussy in order to play handball. And look, it's like you said, I remember, I'm thinking about when you're like- God, those girls have amazing bodies. Wear a thong if you want to wear a thong. Wear a thong or wear shorts.

It's your body. You decide a lot or a little. It's the same kind of- Who needs them to wear little things? Does that change the way they play even some i was reading on reddit last night and people were talking about um i don't even know if it was reddit but they were just talking about how you know watching gymnasts and watching uh swimmers and obviously women's bulgarian handball like girls are constantly adjusting themselves before things to make sure that it's not they're like gymnasts

like their butt isn't hanging out they're constantly adjusting and men don't need to do many adjustments for their that kind of stuff and if they're they are doing adjustments it's for comfort it's not for my body is showing and i don't want to be sexualized right now so a woman should be able to literally wear a head-to-toe spandex onesie, like Green Man type thing, if she wants to do the balance beam and that. Because if it doesn't affect her performance, it enhances it. I'm sure some will be like, I like performing in that. It makes me feel more free.

I don't have to. Great. But you should be able to have the choice. Why can't we just all just do what we want? Yeah, just do what you want. Weren't they molesting gymnasts and they let that slide within the organization for decades? Yeah, but they were wearing short shorts, so it was fine. It's so funny.

USA Gymnastics protected Larry Nassar and abusive coaches down the line for decades and still do and won't take accountability for a lot of it. Yet they get all up in arms and this isn't just i mean i know we're talking about handball but i i do believe that there's regulations on what gymnasts wear and gymnasts i mean jerry seinfeld used to have a bit i was thinking about last night when i was reading about this about how they should put advertisement on gymnasts butts during the olympics this was an old bit that like that would be the best place because you watch the olympics to stare at women's butts or volleyball and it's like that is such a not okay joke now i mean it's it actually is true that would be a good place to advertise because people are watching it because it's sexy girls

tiny little girls that look prepubescent because everyone's a pedophile and uh, but that joke would probably not age well, just like, uh, they don't want gymnasts to. And I just, I think that's watching as soon as I was reading about like the discomfort of like moving your suit around. And that's why I've always been so mad about swimsuits for women. It's like, I went from being a child who wore one pieces and never worried about anything. Um, just wasn't wasn't if i adjusted my suit it's because it was just like uncomfortable it wasn't and i could jump in and i could dive

and i could pretend i'm a mermaid and do flips and literally every i'm wearing like a two-piece top right now and i've adjusted it a million times because i'm so scared my tit might fall out in a way that my friend andrew might get turned on in a way that he doesn't want to be by his friend and i have to prevent the way that he doesn't want to be by his friend. And I have to prevent the way that he, like, which I can't control you. And I'm also feeling like I should put on a top while I'm talking to Andrew because this is distracting or whatever. It's like, because guys, and you, if you were distracted by my tits, it wouldn't be like because you want to fuck me. It's just like, it is distracting.

It's like, why do I have to worry about that. Because of fashion. And honestly. Bikinis were invented by men. And I do like bikinis. It's funny you say that. Because. I remember.

It's complicated. I was in a relationship. Before. And. It kind of ended. Because. Another woman walked into a bar. And showing her nipples.

Through her shirt. And I. I stared at them. Because they're just nipples. Like. I wasn't like. Horny. I wasn't turned on. If're just nipples. I wasn't horny. I wasn't turned on.

If I see tits, I look at tits. I'm going to look at the tits. And she hated that she caught me looking at the nipples. And it was a dog that had just given birth. So of course it had a bunch of nipples. And she got jealous of that bitch. And that was a bitch. Yeah, I remember that. And listen, i wanted probably at the time to be like

your girlfriend is fucking nuts and like that's such an overreaction and why is she worried about it but she couldn't help that she felt that way you couldn't help that you look at the tits and she couldn't help that whatever that was made her feel unsafe and it was based on past stuff and like it's just i think that and everyone should wear whatever they want and not care. And I love when women actually can be super sexy. And I've always been someone who doesn't want to show off my boobs because I don't want to distract men and have them sexualize me when I'm trying to talk about like my like bowel movements or something. Like, I'm like, oh, I don't want to turn this guy on when i'm trying to but then there's sometimes where you're like oh i would like to turn this guy on because it'll make him stupid and he'll give me something because he thinks he might be able to fuck me

because my tits out a little bit yeah i don't know it'd be funny if the bulgarian team was like all right you want to see our you want to see it all all right like they wear like the skimpy it's like see-through thong and they're like like, all right, here you go. Here's all the pussy. You want some of the pussy? Or like crotchless boy shorts. And they pull the handball out of their pussy. And they're like, is this what you want, Olympics? Oh, my God. I just think the handjob team, though, the Bulgarian handjob team,

should ask to use more lube. It might hurt their swing. I don't know. We'll find out. We'll find out. Okay, next headline. Three potential ways to train the brain to release dopamine, to feel good molecule on demand.

Okay, hold on. We just looked at each other, and I think everyone that was listening just looked up and just goes, oh. What did I say? Dopamine? Well, no. Molecule no but let's try it again go again molecule what say that again molecule good there you go what did i say not you said molecule a molecule molecule it is molecule of me to correct that but it is molecule i think you have problems with the the u's Like regular. You say regular.

Mule. Lula. What were you saying before where you were like daring. Daring. Instead of during. That's not really a during, but daring. Yeah. Okay.

Go on. I'm not good with U's or I's. Or me. Or me. You're not good with U. You could say that. You, Nikki. I'm not good with U. No, I love you, Nikki, and I miss you.

Oh, I love you too, Andrew. I miss you. Oh, I love you too, Andrew. I miss you too, even though I did walk in your room to get something out of your closet, and it was so... I can't believe Brenna saw your room. You let her... That is... You talk about having a triumph over exposing yourself. The fact that Brenna saw your room,

you should have to literally drink her period blood. Because your room is period blood, like Carrie-style period blood on someone's head. What, that back closet? No, your actual room. Listen, this is coming from someone who has messy rooms, too. So there's no hate for me. I was impressed that you let...

It wasn't like I was mad at you about your room or like, Oh my God, he's such a disgusting person or something like that. Because I have my rooms like that. I just would never let my Brenna see it. Yeah, I get it. But she was,

she definitely saw the room that you left. It is so, I, you have to take a picture of when you walk in your room, just what it looks like in there. Yeah. Just the way you left it. Tornado doesn't even, what it looks like in there yeah just the way you left it tornado doesn't even

it literally looks like it does look like the aftermath of a sub like a scavenger hunt by like uh you know wild boars it looks like if the cops raided my room looking for for drugs and they just broke everything and and you know what i like about it too is the four corners have exploded i love it because i'm coming back in a couple days and most people want to come back to like ah a new start you know i'm just coming back to a fucking disaster my mom taught me that like before we would go on vacation she would always want to clean the house i'm like we're leaving what do we need to clean it's like because you want to walk in and have a clean place and i've started to just like make my bed before I leave and just do some

semblance of like back home. But your room is so funny, Andrew. I love you so much because of who you are. I'll take a photo and I'll put it right on to our Instagram. Uh, yeah. On Nikki Glaser pod.

I will not touch it. I will not touch it. I want you to video of walking into your room, opening up the door and then videoing around. By the way, you'll love this. So Brenna's bed here is like a crib. Oh, that's great. It's literally a crib.

And so we were having sex. I was like, ooh, you're a little baby. Oh, God. You're stuck in a crib. That really turns my stomach. I know. I guess I feel like the way Noah's looking at you and what you said earlier, am I too old for Brenna? Is that what you guys were talking about?

Next story. Yeah, I feel like that. I can feel the vibe in there. Because I put a photo on Instagram and you said I look like she could be my daughter. I bet you said something like that. No, we didn't say that. We just go, she looks so young. And I go, I assured Noah, I go, I know she does, but she is

honestly, she should be on this girl's trip. She's so cool i want her in my life forever all the things i told her the other day when we were saying goodbye like i love brenna so much she does look super young and to me she i don't because i know her in real life i see the pictures and i don't see how young she looks but there is this like we were talking about it and it's not you men are just attracted to women that sometimes look like children um and she doesn't look like a child she has amazing boobs and like such curves and like she's on her period so she's not a child but she does look young a lot younger than she is which she is already she's 25 right she's 25

yeah she's 25 um and truly i have no judgment of her looking young or being young i i've you know i've let that go but there is a trend and i think it's from that's why i got off tiktok is that i was finding that i was jealous of 11 year olds and 12 year olds that were being sexualized and like looking dewy and like look doing their makeup so they're like they look hot and i'm like oh my god there's all these likes clearly men like this look and i was trying i was starting to think that children were the way to look. Pre-teens are the way that I need to look to get men to like me. And it fucked with me. And I just think there is a trend that is moving towards younger and younger, younger looking girls.

And it's not because you just happen to have a girl that is actually super mature and does look like a woman that looks young in a picture. Yeah. That made us kind of have that conversation. So when you said the crib thing, we were just like, but it had nothing to do with actually Brenna. It's just she in that picture looked really young. And like we, you know, I think like because me and her will joke about it, you know, obviously. And usually the joke is that I will die tomorrow from old age you know when she's you know gonna go get her mba or something you know what like like yes i like

the joke usually is that i'm old and that yeah we we are definitely like aware that there's an age difference and that she can look young yeah you are you are 25 at heart like you truly have my room is you might have yeah yeah your room is you are young at heart. Like, you truly have. My room is 12. Yeah, your room is, you are young at heart. And Brenna actually is, like, I don't, I hate this old soul bullshit, but there's nothing about her except maybe some of the references I might make that she, like, you know, she just watched Friends for the first time

and, like, binged it. But, like, this bitch knows Friends just as well as I do now. Like, she might not get some of the references, but emotionally and intellectually, she is 37. She's on par with me. And I think that there's nothing about your relationship that I would ever talk bad about behind your back

of like, he's too old. Maybe in the beginning, I was just like, oh God, a young girl. But literally, I would defend you to the death of dating a girl that young and her dating you that old. I mean, it's death of dating a girl that young and her dating you that old I mean it's more of like what's wrong with her I agree um but yeah she's amazing yeah no no you guys are so cute together and I was just telling Noah how much I love the fact that

she can love you for all the things that I would think that you would maybe hidden in a relationship before or like your messy room and like your... I fart so much. Your farts that you hide and then they come out. And she goes, it sounds like you've been hiding that all night. And you're like, I was... It's just like, she just loves you for you. Last night I had one of the funniest things.

Have you guys said I love you? Not yet. Okay, okay. But it's coming, I feel. But I probably shouldn't even say that. We'll but i probably shouldn't say that i'll hear about tomorrow i guarantee you we'll hear about tomorrow oh you froze i i am i here now so oh yeah yeah you're here the funniest moment and i don't know if i'll ask to take this out later but i probably not so we were having sex and she had a uh you know a queef because of sex you know and she

couldn't like stand up fully oh my god i've had so many queefs recently like without literally someone farted yesterday i was like that reminded me of my sex life so yeah so she had a queef and and so to make her feel better i fart so she was queefing when i was farting like and it was i love that i i farted so much because i fart when i come sometimes like it just like pushes air out of it there's not even like a smell fart and queefs aren't like a smell they're just a sound you know of air

and it's so embarrassing because it makes that sound and the person I've been like hooking up with was just like that usually we would just like ignore it or in past relationships i've ignored those sounds and we act like they don't happen but he like was like that just happened because

you're such a whore or like such a dirty whore he like turned it into like like i literally like farted out of my butt like gross you know and i he he just goes he goes don't worry and i go oh like i was like oh my god whatever you're doing is gonna make me like fart a lot and i was like scared and he was just like no you're farting whatever you're doing is going to make me like fart a lot. And I was like scared. And he was just like, no, you're farting because you're a filthy whore. And I was just like, oh, okay. You took this thing that is filthy and made it like a good thing. And it, you know, maybe that won't work for everyone, but I felt like you farted to make her feel better.

I felt instantly better. And I hope we get to keep that in, but definitely do talk to her if she's okay with that being in. But I just want to say no shame in queefing or farting or like shitting at anything ever. And I love that story. That's so cute. Let's get to an actual next news story because we are running out of time. A 23-year-old influencer.

Uh-oh. Maybe another ledgehead. Possibly. Foreshadowing. A crane operator plunged 160 feet to her death while live streaming a video to her followers from a cabin of a crane in china second one in china second ledge head to the death we gotta stop these ledge heads i mean it just it's it's getting a crane operator at 23 that's really impressive and she doesn't i guess that's an age like she doesn't look like a like her whole

thing was is she was she worked you know for a crane and age. She doesn't look like a, like her whole thing was, is she was, she worked, you know, for a crane and she looked like she like was like a 14 year old who like couldn't drive a car, but she was like. Hot. Yeah. It was kind of. Oh, she's like a cute little girl. Yeah.

And she was in a crane and then she fell out of the crane and then live streamed her death. Yeah. How many people saw it? Over a hundred thousand. No way her death. Yeah. How many people saw it? Over 100,000. No way. Really? Yeah. She was like a really famous person then.

She was speaking to blurry equipment whizzing past the, like literally like had it to the, yeah. So free ledge heads out there. Just don't, just stop. It's not worth it. Yeah. There's the things you do when you know sometimes you feel invincible like have you ever been filming something on and and it's happening like if

we go to a concert you know and you are filming the person on stage or one of those people that's filming the concert and you look at your phone screen even though it's in front of you you become like you forget you're even there and that there are consequences to your actions there yes we get so removed my other day my mom was filming me playing guitar and she was holding and she was just watching her phone i go do you know you can watch me like you can look up we can just put it on a thing and you could just watch me and she's like i like watching the phone i'm like yeah she's not even like you're not like present like that happens i i totally that that happens to me in such little ways of like not falling to my death in a crane, but just being, because I'm filming something, the rules don't apply.

Yeah, for sure. Gravity doesn't apply. Or if, like, there's a fight on the street or if there's, you know, I bet you, you know, camera phones weren't quite as big. Like, 9-11, like, people probably would have went up to the building and, like, been like, oh, you know, like, you just feel detached from it. And it's like, no, it's still reality. Got a lot of ledge heads at 9-11 like people probably would have went up to the building and like been like oh you know like yeah you just feel detached from it and it's like a lot of 9-11 um that was not a good joke okay so um we could leave that in what i do want to say though is we should probably have a segment for like ledgehead of the week because this is going to keep happening or just like

you know dumb and i don't like to say the Darwin Award of like, you're stupid, because this girl, she could operate a crane. To get that job, you're not dumb. It's just a moment. It's just like everyone can have a dumb moment. Let's get to why do I care. Why do I care? All right, Ben Affleck rubs J-Lo's bottom in a very raunchy display

on a $130 million mega yacht in Saint-Tropez. 19 years later. They're recreating the video. This is, I just did Busy Phillips' podcast. Her co-host, Cassie St. Onge, on Instagram, posted before this shot was taken, she said, listen, I have been paying attention.

Everything that they're doing is still, they're recreating images from the music video they did 20 years ago. It's the 20th anniversary coming up they're going to do a reprise of this video she goes if i if all these are predictions are right tomorrow they will be on a yacht somewhere and he will rub her butt and then it happened it's like oh they're recreating the video and they're gonna release a video and it doesn't

mean their relationship isn't real it's just a little fun thing for them to do if you look at these pictures of them on a yacht there's's tons of them. It looks so boring. They are alone on this yacht. And it reminds me of being, this is why I care about this. I was looking at them on this yacht. It's just them, like, hanging out. And being in Tulum at this place, like, if you were to come here as a couple, there's, like, nothing to do.

Like, it's just a place for, for like there's something about honeymoons that really stressed me out because you go from like all of your friends and family having this great time to then alone with your husband and like no work no phones no or like you can have phones and stuff but you're supposed to be off them and like relaxing and it's like it's a lot of pressure for one other person to like entertain you and be your everything to start off your life. It's so much time alone. Because you also feel like if you're on your honeymoon and it's like, okay, I'm just going to go on TikTok for three hours or I'm going to go read a book and not pay attention. You feel so much stress to have to pay attention to them.

There can't be any down moments. But really, you're both to pay attention to them. Like there can't be any down moments of like, no, this is, you're both wanting that time to go. Uh, recently, you know, hanging out with this person that I've just been like hooking up with.

There'll be times where like we are done hooking up or whatever. And we're just like talking and I'm like, I want to be on my phone. So fucking bad. And then I just go, can we just like be on our phones for a little bit? And he's like, yeah.

It's like, do you ever do that with Brenna? Cause I know sometimes she goes to bed and then you feel bad like still being on your phone staying up like she's going to bed so it must be like time to sleep blow out the candle and like we both go to bed like farmers she definitely is less of a addicted to her phone than i am so i think sometimes when we're together i'm like two on my phone and like if she's like if i see your screen is green i get a little angry because it means i'm i'm like two on my phone and like if she's like if i see your screen is green i get a little angry because it means i'm watching golf video it's like the grass right i thought

there was like a dating app that's green um no it's probably worse with golf yeah obsessed you know that i told her though that your obsession with golf is linked to her yeah link yeah and it absolutely is um but yeah when someone has an obsession like that it does get annoying where you're just like oh you're like that's so funny that her seeing the green on your face like the the reflection of green and hearing a boring guy's voice uh will like make her feel angry like yeah i get it it's just and the fact that when you hold her Sometimes you're like working on your Swing like is that a thing that happens

Yeah we had sex And I was practicing my swing behind her back And I thought I was being smooth But I wasn't and It's so funny she called me out on the swing And yeah So I mean I'm not gonna be doing that anymore I'm not gonna at least doing that anymore. I'm not going to, at least not the, you know, five iron.

The first thing is, he saw the show Sex Life. We all watched it together the first episode. The husband and the wife are having like, you know, married sex. The worst version of it. She's really horny. He's just going through the motions. He's trying to watch the game as she's riding him. He's like looking past her at the game.

And it's like, I don't want someone to suppress that if they want to watch the game. I'd rather you just be honest with me and say, I want to watch the game. And I go, okay, well, let's deal with that. Like, and you know, the, the argument in the breakup between Jennifer Aniston, when she's like, you never do the dishes. And he's like, I did the dishes. And she's like, but you didn't want to do the dishes. I want you to want to do the dishes.

Like, why would I want to do the dishes? And it's like, I don't want you to have sex with me unless you want to have sex with me but sometimes i want to have sex and you want to watch the game it's like okay how do we both get what we want and not suppress like i just never want someone to have another agenda without telling me yeah that makes sense that's controlling though because people are allowed to have secrets and i should be okay with that but i think fucking while the game is on could can be hot getting jealous like thinking you're on a dating app because usually when a guy is up at night and has the phone off the bed trying to hide it or goes to the bathroom to be on his phone he's

cheating but you're just watching watching guys on tiktok tell you how to perfect your fate i'm rock hard if that makes sense yeah that is yeah that is uh that's the problem that's most we tried watching porn oh sorry sorry sorry oh you tried watching porn yeah together for the first time and i just i i i was laughing hysterically at watching porn i couldn't get into it i was maybe didn't pick the right video i tried we tried a lot of different things i just why were you laughing i don't know it's just so funny to me for some reason because I think maybe because I just had anxiety about having to be horny at that moment. You know what I mean? Right.

Instead of just being whatever it was. Yeah, I couldn't like. The expectations. Yeah, yeah, probably that's what it was. All right, let's get to top one, bottom one. You know what it is? It's Monday, everyone. So we do the best and the worst of a category. And today's is themed because of this vacation

and this resort I'm staying at, the rustic resort, The Nest in Tulum, which look into it, it's definitely up alleys of some people in a very specific way and it's about to be up mine.

We're talking about the, what's the category, Noah? We're going to talk about hotel experiences. Top one, bottom one, hotel experiences. Andrew, would you like to kick us off? hotel experiences top one bottom one hotel experiences andrew would you like to kick us off so the top or bottom we always start bottom you know that okay i didn't know if we were switching it up uh so i uh i bottom one is why would we do that sometimes you switch

positions that's all yeah that's a good point okay okay keep them guessing uh bottom one uh i was in a motel off the are we watching porn huh we're just giggling for no reason you're giggling for no reason are you watching porn i don't know why it's just giggly to me i don't know i'm just giggly today i'm sweaty it's hot in this room um so i uh i was so i failed miserably in la i had the mild overdose in new orleans it's all a long story but long story short uh i left la to go back to florida completely defeated and in a ton of debt and uh we had a certain amount of money me and my little brother were going to drive across the country and play golf like five different times and we ended up spending all our money on one golf course called the phoenician in like arizona and then

we stayed in a motel off the highway outside san antonio because we like had no money left and it was just it was like one of those you know those motels where you drive by it's just an old pickup truck is the only car in the whole parking lot yeah it has like three wheels so the guy's like probably dead inside there that's what the motel was like and i was like i'm we're gonna get stabbed here it was like you sleep with one eye open i'm like this is where my life like it kind of just been like it kind of hit me i just remember just being like this is my like life like i'm this motel right now you know what i mean like right it was just so representative of where it was a place that people go to probably have prostitutes or do drugs yeah and i'm on a road

trip with my brother trying to be like a you know a good role model older brother and here i am driving back because i had a mild cocaine overdose and i've lost all my money and i need to move back home as a failure i'm so glad you got through that. It honestly could have killed you. Yeah, probably. But we got through at the motel surprisingly not very decently. Oh, right. My worst hotel experience was when I was doing,

I was opening for John Caparulo on the road. He got me a college. He was doing a college university of he was in Charlotte. For some reason, I got it in my head that it was in Augusta. I don't know why. I just thought Augusta

was broke at the time. Couldn't afford anything. And Augusta, they had like a, you know, price line got a thing. Augusta, Georgia? Yes. I don't know what I was thinking, but somehow wires got crossed. And I thought I was doing, supposed to do a show with Charlotte. First of all, I also got the week wrong. So it was the weekend before I flew to Augusta, which is the wrong city, the wrong weekend.

From LA or New York? No money. From LA or New York? From New York. Oh, but still. I flew there, took a cab that was like 65 dollars like you know when i was fucking broke as shit to a hotel got there and realized like on the way there that the gig wasn't happening and it was a week too soon like i was just an idiot and got there stayed at

this uh america's best in augusta georgia um it was the seediest place I've ever stayed at. I tried to order a pizza because it was the only thing that would deliver to there. They wouldn't come to the area because it was such a terrible area. They don't deliver there because they've been mugged so many times delivering pizzas to that place. There was only a Wendy's to walk to. Once I walked to it, once it got dark, there was gang activity. It was one of the ones that the door opens to the parking lot. It was very, very dangerous.

I was like so out of place and it was just one of those weekends where I was like crying Wait, when did you realize? Why were you there? So you had to wait until your flight came back? No, sorry, just the day.

Like it was, I think it just, sorry, just the night. Okay, but then when did you realize you were in the wrong city on the wrong weekend? I think on the way there or like, oh, when I landed and there wasn't someone there to pick me up from the college. It was terrible.

It was so terrible. It was honestly the worst time of my life. I was still drinking. I think I was just like a mess. I was so broke. I didn't even have a computer. My phone was in that position where like, you know, back in like 2000, this is 2011. Like the phone chargers, like you had to like, sometimes you would have to bend them a certain way for them to get a charge.

And so you'd wrap the cord in a certain way that would make the charger bend so that it would pick up the charge. So my phone could only charge if the cord was wrapped tightly so they would bend. It was like just life was hell. And I had to eat fucking Wendy's chili. And I was, it was terrible. That was the, that was so bad. I mean, that was a lead head poppy move if I've ever heard one. I had to eat fucking Wendy's chili. It was terrible. That was so bad. That was a lead head poppy move if I've ever heard one. I'll tell you.

It was the biggest poppy move of my life. It was like kind of skidding to a bottom. Noah, what was your worst? Okay, so during Hurricane Sandy, I was working in radio. I had to stay in the city during the hurricane. I just found this like midtown hotel and it was the creepiest hotel it was just like a like a very thin hotel room um a very thin hotel and the elevator was one of those pulley elevators it was all wooden and it had like that

gate door is this one of your scary movies you watch? No, no, this is for real. And someone had to like pull the elevator up and then it opened up and the hotel room had this disgusting like green carpet that looked like AstroTurf. The walls had this like really creepy wallpaper that I'm sure it was blood splatter on them. It was the most disgusting thing

and there was a pubic hair in the sheets. Okay, I think this is like a very common thing with like disgusting like disgusting hotels can be so horrifying there can be hotels already are disgusting when you do the black light thing but like a hotel that isn't being well cared for and it's just a place where people go to have sex and then check out or do drugs this This is definitely one of those. We definitely need to get listeners to send in the creepiest weirdest things they've seen at hotels

because I think that we would get some amazing stories because I couldn't even pick a bottom one because there were so many bad ones. Let's go around the horn and say our best story. It's always just one pubic hair. Why isn't it like 70? I don't even mind pubic hair like i just go okay whatever i just can't i can't like call that i don't want to change rooms and deal

with this so i just like brush it off i've eaten a taco bell and a bug was something moved after i took it out of my mouth and i just kept eating the taco like a pubic lice was in your food and you were like it's fine there's enough hair in your taco that pubic lice was in your food, and you were like, it's fine. There's enough hair in your taco that pubic lice had set up shop. Look, it got me ready to fuck on a period. My dad loves, there's some joke my dad loves that he says he came up with, but he says that because he was like, you know, scabies, they're an endangered species because their habitat's being destroyed. He thinks that's a really good joke because women shave their pussies now.

There's deforestation, so they're on the endangered species list. I'm like, that's not a bad joke. Yeah, that's not bad. They're a threatened species. But he always goes like, you know what I said? I'm like, yes, I know. It's like a rainforest. Okay, Dad.

Yeah, in Cincinnati. I love you too. All right. So, Andrew, best hotel experience? Best hotel experience with three buddies, guys trip, Canada. We randomly, because of a snowstorm, we stayed in a couple extra days and we stayed at this hotel called the Chateau Fairmont, which was a hotel that's literally on a glacier lake outside of a place called Lake Louise. And it was absolutely gorgeous.

We skied all day. We ate fondue together, just four men eating fondue feeding each other and then we actually got in a horrible argument at the top of the restaurant on the top of the mountain and then we got stuck in the gondola on the way down and we all made up like 200 feet stuck in a gondola and realizing kind of like, why are we fighting when we could all be dead? You could die in a gondola. Yeah. And it was just like an amazing bonding guys trip that, you know,

hopefully one day I'll bring my wife to the hotel, you know, and go down on her while she's on the rag, you know, something like that. That's great. Yeah. Thanks for that.

I was going to make a young joke, but I just, I couldn't come up with one in time you're getting old yeah that's true I know I don't need to worry about you being turned on by my tits because they're just you know they're decades older than you would be into

true so Noah what is your best hotel top one we're going out of order though what are you doing you're right Andrew I don Nikki, what are you doing? You're right, Andrew. I don't know what I'm doing and I called you on that before and that's not okay. I was saving mine to last because

I wanted to say that I already referenced it, but last night, Kirsten making the shapes on the wall at the nest in Tulum was the most fun I've ever had at a hotel and I'm just going to play the recording right now and see if it translates because I can't help it. It looks like two snarky alligators.

She's just making different shapes. Now this is the one that made me laugh so hard because it was like a blob that was farting. She was like, oh, it just looks like an amoeba that's just like... You've got to see the shape, but it's just the sound that she makes that makes me laugh so hard.

What is it? I thought she was doing a chicken. It does kind of look like a turkey. I mean, not really. I just... So it looked like just a hand that was just like almost like a squid and she was like it looks like an amoeba she goes and then it farts at the end

and it was that was the beginning of me laughing so hard I couldn't even film so that was my favorite moment sharing a bed with a best friend that you don't see for a long time like and Kirsten and I have shared so many beds together through the years of just talking she was my first kiss she was the first person to see my vagina.

She was the first person to like touch my vagina. I think like, because she had to prove to me that I had a hole for a tampon to go in. Cause I just thought I didn't have one. And she's just like my best. Like we're just last night we were showering before bed. Cause we were like sandy and stinky and we wanted to get in the clean sheets and be clean.

And I was like, she's taking too long. I was like, can I just get in the shower with you? And I was like, that's too much. Like I got up, but I'm like, but we would long I was like can I just get in the shower with you and I was like that's too much like I gotta put up like but we would have done that it was just so much fun and um this trip in general at the nest in Tulum I I think it's going to be my best hotel

experience because it's I have to work through expectations and I'm honestly gonna probably have like some spiritual great experience here being in nature uh noah okay so both of you had stories about friends in hotel and mine is like just me alone in a hotel room um i was in dallas and i stayed at the omni hotel and it had just opened that year so like the room was so clean and like modern and the bathroom had a tv in the mirror. And I was like, this is the most luxurious thing. And I didn't have to pay for it because it was on a work trip. And I just felt like, wow, this is like luxury. This is what the other half lives like.

Yes, that is definitely like when I think of best hotel experiences, it's just like you feel rich. That's why I was disappointed in this place is because I go, why would someone pay an amount of money that only a rich person could have to live like you're poor? Yeah, people do that. And it's not like you're living like you're... People do that. But people do do that. Yeah, they pay extra.

And that's what they do here. It's got to be shitty, but like classy shitty. I don't... Yeah, this place is like beautiful and designed minimally. Minimalistly. Like this is a place that someone would go to have like a yoga retreat or meditation retreat it's very minimal and very nice

like the linens are incredible the the every little thing every little thing that they've considered is perfectly handcrafted picked out but I just want I want a magnifying mirror in the shower or like in the bathroom I want like a little sewing kit that I'm not going to use like I want those magnifying mirror in the shower or in the bathroom. I want a little sewing kit that I'm not going to use.

I want those things that make me feel like, oh, this is how the other half lives. I guess just compare it to Augusta. Just think about it. You could be in Augusta, Georgia right now outside of Wendy's. And you wish you were because that's where the golf thing is, right? That is the golf. Yeah, the Masters. I go, why would anyone go to Augusta?

And they're like, oh, all they do here is that one racist kind of golf tournament. Yeah, and then I watch on my phone while Brenna gets mad. Yeah, well, Brenna tells you she loves you. It's like, yeah, actually, we have said I love you, but Brenna said it, and I've just been distracted by a teenager. No, I said I love you back to a putter. All right, final thought. Andrew, what's your weekend looking like when are you headed back to st louis i'm going back wednesday uh today i'm going to ikea to pick up things for

brenna to put together a a drawer so that if that's not love i don't know what is uh and it's 45 minutes away so but that's going to be my day today. And I'm here for her. That's really nice. I can't wait to hear when you finally say I love you. And it's probably not going to be after putting together something from Ikea. So I'm going to push that projection to later. What do you guys got today? Do you have like scheduled stuff? Yeah, like horseback riding.

Today I set some intentions after breakfast we had a really great breakfast where i went around the table and told all my favorite stories about each person and it was really fun and was like noah brought that game that esther burrell game um uh where should where should we begin that's gonna get us to tell fun stories um we played this game called uh that is from barstool sports and it's called like uh questions from the internet or something yeah you know that game yeah yeah so last time i was in cabo with on a girl's trip i brought this game that i had just done a barstool sports interview uh i'd done kfc radio and they were like here's this game and it's

just like would you rather questions but they don't think that women will ever play it because it's all like would you rather like make a cock-a-doodle-doo sound every time you jizz or have to go to a feminist rally and it's like just all this like it's the kiss game ever and the card today that i pulled oh yeah let me breakfast you're laughing so hard what was it it was it? What was the first part, though? It was something so stupid. It was like, oh, would you rather... It was something about, would you rather...

Oh, would you rather... Hold on. Would you rather never... It was some dumb... Would you rather you rather oh a flock of geese show up oh wait it was one of these cards hold on let me find it because it was truly i was like would you rather have dick for teeth or teeth for a dick and it's like yes okay what and like yeah because they try to be shocking but we don't get shocked by anything. So it's like, yeah, I'd rather fuck my mom on top of a Ferrari.

Is that what you want from me? But this is the kiss whenever, and I'm going to leave you guys on this one. Okay. Okay. Would you? But you guys say it like this. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

I fucking hate. And they have a little statistic at the bottom that says, Barstool sports readers would say, blah, blah, blah. Okay. It's called answer the internet. questions as fucked up as you are whoa and by the way i love kfc radio and when i did send kevin clancy a video of us making fun of this game and doing would you rather uh he was like i feel like you guys are making fun of it and i go yeah would anyone not this is terrible so this is the would you rather i love how that story went i thought he was gonna be like oh and i thought and kevin was cool about

it's like no he was like are you why are you making fun of it and i was like why aren't you this is so dumb okay so this is barstool sports uh answer the internet okay Okay. Would you rather A. Have to piss sitting down for the rest of your life or B. Go vegan. Cuh!

Cuh! Cuh! Cuh! Cuh! And guess what? 97% of Barstool readers Chose egg Of course they did

Cause you love meat And by the way women can't play this game Because we do pee sitting down And it's just like It honestly doesn't even say this is only for men They just don't even consider that women Would want a fun card game or like play this game Also every guy vegan

Doesn't even have a dick to pee out of because they don't eat fucking raw elk. Yeah. Fucking pussies. Here's another one. If you could fuck any girl you want for the rest of your life, but you can only ever watch women's sports, would you do it? I mean, this is even cuter than the vegan one. Oh, my God. 51% of Barstool readers said, no way.

Cut. You guys, don't be cut out there. I hope you enjoyed that. By the way, I could do this for an hour. I would love to. I like this game. I could do it for an hour. It's the most fun game to make up.

Would you rather have to give a hug to Gloria Steinem or tell your mom that she means a lot to you? Would you rather change a duvet cover like a little girl or drink a drink coconut milk. It's just like, kuh! Alright guys, we gotta go. Send in your would you rathers on the voice memo. We will laugh so hard if you come up with kuh would you rathers. Love you so much. We'll see you tomorrow from

Tulum and Chicago, respectively. Not really respectively. I don't respect it. And yeah. I respect everything. Not everything. Yeah, you definitely don't respect it. And yeah. Going hard. No, I respect everything. Not everything. Yeah, that's not true. Augusta. Not at all.

Augusta, don't respect it. All right. Love you. See you tomorrow, besties. Don't be cut. All the swells. And the egg fruit. The egg fruit.

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