The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #73 Old Copper Brand
Episode Date: July 27, 2021Between you and Nikki, being able to surrender and let go of expectations can be a gift. Broadcasting from Tulum, Mexico, Nikki is amongst her best friends and last night Kerstin made her laugh harder... than anyone. Andrew is wrapping his head around period sex and Nikki recommends a lube job. You heard it here first, women in sports need not be sexualized, Andrew shares an inside story, another unfortunate "ledgehead" and Ben and J-Lo are basic on a boat. In "Top 1,Bottom 1" they share stories about hotel experiences. In the Final Thought, Nikki reads cards from a couhl game she played with her girlfriends. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast.
Here's Nikki.
Yeah, here I am.
Hey, guys.
Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast.
It's Monday.
We got a full week of shows for you live from Tulum, Mexico.
That's right. I'm in Tulum, Mexico. That's right.
I'm in Tulum.
Some of you know that.
Some of you maybe didn't know that, but it's true.
I'm here on a girl's trip.
Before I kick off my tour this Friday in San Antonio, I think tickets are still available.
NikkiGlaser.com slash tour.
I decided to have, and it's not really to kick off the tour.
Like yesterday we were doing a toast to like,
we're all here because Noah is here.
She's one of the six,
seven girls that are here,
including myself.
Each friend is just from a different walk of my life
and they all are going to be best friends after this.
And hopefully,
you know,
we'll be doing this forever,
but Noah is here.
So glad this is the first girls trip you've been able to make it on.
I've been doing these for a while.
And it's this one's different than all the others.
We'll get into that in a second.
But last night we were toasting like the first dinner we got here yesterday.
We all flew in.
Shout out to my assistant Jen for nailing the arrangements to get us here because I'm not good with all logistics.
There was a guy that came.
Our flights were all arranged so that we arrived in different groups and then we drove and everything was just really well taken care of.
And I'm so grateful for the people in my life that treat my life like their own and make me feel very safe and secure.
Noah being one of them who talked me off the
ledge yesterday when I was at, I was a ledge head yesterday. You, I was at the airport and I realized
that I forgot pieces of equipment that I ended up not forgetting one of them, but I did, I didn't do
a good job of bringing equipment. I just grabbed a bunch of cords in the morning. I didn't pack
until the morning. I was just running around. There was no fault. I tried to blame it on like, but I was hanging out too late with someone who wanted to hang out
with me. It's like, no, that's, you wouldn't have packed even if you didn't stay up until
midnight or whatever it was or three in the morning eventually. Um, so, uh, yeah, it all
went the way it's supposed to. And there've been a few hiccups. Uh, but I did the thing where you
swallow water and put your head between your legs,
and the hiccups are gone,
or they're slowly going away
because my friends are so positive and sweet,
and they're making me feel really good
and just great about things that I'm trying.
I'm just in a negative headspace
in a place where literally,
Tulum is a special spiritual place
that's supposed to be,
like all my friends have done research on this place I literally didn't do any research let me start there I did
not I've heard of Tulum for years wait we were I wanted to finish the toast thing they were doing
a toast and they were like toast to Nikki's tour Carlisle you know classically my friend Carlisle
Forrester is so enthusiastic about things that I'm kind of jaded about.
It's not that I'm not excited for tour.
It's just a lot of work.
And I don't like celebrating things until the work is over, even though it's going to be fun.
Like, kicking off, like, it's going to be happy and exciting.
But I was like, no, let's not celebrate that.
We ended up toasting something really, like, dumb that was at, oh, a picture that Kirsten took.
We ended,
I go,
let's toast that.
It was a picture.
Kirsten,
my best friend since fourth grade,
one of the originators of K.
She is a trainer at her gym and she recently did portraits,
you know,
where they put the trainer's picture on the wall at the gym.
And,
um,
she's a tree.
If you're from Kansas city,
she works at,
Oh God,
what's it called?
She's going to kill me for not knowing the name. doesn't matter it's like the nicest gym in kansas city
she's one of the best trainers in the world probably pilates uh extraordinaire and she
she's reading a autobiography of a biography of the guy who created pilates right now like she
read that in bed last night we were sharing a room uh it's insane that she's interested in that but
um uh so we we cheers to
her because she showed us the picture and she like nailed this picture you know she's not like a model
or like an entertainment but she just looked so good and we were like that's something to cheers
and i felt like better about that that's what this trip has been is like just talking about real big
like heavy things that seem like have all the importance of the world,
like this tour, but to go on and then shifting and being like, actually, sometimes it's the
small details that are hilarious and more worth celebrating. And, um, it's just been,
it's been a lesson for me and it continues to be, and we will get into that later. Um, yeah,
but yesterday I freaked out because I had forgotten equipment and just hastily grabbed it. And I'm sure, listener, that you relate to this in some way of, you know, first you make, let's say you get to the soccer practice.
You were supposed to bring orange slices or whatever.
And you had them cut and you totally forgot them.
They were on the counter.
And now you're telling yourself, I'm such an idiot.
If I wouldn't have, I was watching the view too long or like
whatever it was that I took a too long of a shower and then I curled my hair. I didn't need to do it
instead. So, cause I had to curl my hair. Now I forgot the orange slices. You didn't mean to
forget the orange slices. You didn't want to, you didn't like sign a contract being like, yes,
I can't wait to forget orange slices. You just did let it go. Nikki. Yes. Noah did send you a list of
equipment because she asked you do you
want a list and I said I actually said no and I go actually give me one or like I said no but like
no it's not your fault I didn't send you one I said no list I was like I got it and then I think
you were like I go should I bring anyway it doesn't matter we talked about it but I only referenced
what I gave it a thumbs up when I saw it but i didn't read it when you sent it it was days before and then when i went back
when i was packing in the morning hastily i had to go to walgreens right before to get my add med
prescription turns out you can because i was like how will if they run out in mexico i which they
were supposed to i had four left they'd run out here oh no what would i do oh i don't know go to
the local pharmacy that's within two minutes of walking
and buy as much of it as I want over the counter it's insane that you can buy my ADD meds that
literally every time I buy them or get them in the states I have to get a new prescription call
my doctor have an appointment for a while I had to drive to my doctor's office pick up a paper
prescription bring it to Walgreens they treated me like I was a you know a meth head or something
suspicious like you just feel bad there's all this stigma around it here it is literally like
buying certs yesterday we were trying to buy water and that it was at this pharmacy and I go oh my
god there's my meds that I like freak out every month because they're so hard to get I feel like
I have to scam someone to get them even though they're prescribed to me by a doctor who has
assured me you didn't trick me into giving these to you I'm not someone who can be bought or tricked you really
need them he works with me on that all the time the shame of these things he's like you need them
um I work on that so much and then I get here and the water took so long it was taking we're trying
to buy like 20 like water like just the same water like ring up at once and then times it by whatever
and then let's run the card it was taking forever and I go it's so ironic that water is harder to
buy than ADD meds in Mexico water is like they were like can we see ID we needed a prescription
for it but um that was wild to me and I took a picture of all right videoed yesterday I think
you could probably still see it on my story of the signs that were in this pharmacy that were like do you have pain try our painkillers do you
want to lose weight diet pills can help you drink celsius um no it didn't say that but this the
signs here just like from a dystopian world of like it's almost like a idiocracy of like
pain pills can fix your pain it's easy and fun and
it shows people like on a beach frolicking and it's like that is what that was like the what led
to the opioid epidemic in the states is marketing like that but even the marketing that they did in
the states back in the day when it was more brazen was not that they were just putting their you know
they were just pharmaceutical reps were just
going around saying that giving pens to doctors and being like we'll give you more pens if you
and more money if you spread this but even they weren't going like i guess they were saying like
you could be pain-free with our pain meds it's just so weird to see pain meds being like advertised
like they're not the and i know they help a lot of people when they're used responsibly i don't
want to take away from that but over the counter they should not be and pot is illegal here and oh yeah steroids
do you want muscles it literally goes do you want to be have more muscles try our steroids like
there's signs like that it's it looks like you're on a set of something that like someone made these
signs i would get the art department i go these signs are a little bit on the nose and can you just make them a little bit more vague they're hilarious so go
look at my story for that i'm sure you guys have seen it people have been to mexico i just have
never really seen something like that um no you did you were just so nice to me um you always are
i don't think you've ever once made me feel bad about anything or tried to make me feel bad people don't make you feel anyway um why would i wear a team i know but it's easy for it's easy for people
when they work together to disappoint each other and when you get disappointed to have a honest
reaction to that of like oh nicky forgot like this is gonna be a mess for me and just even for yourself go
okay well um I wish you would have done that like to be annoyed like there's no you're always just
like it's gonna work out it's gonna be fine there's always gonna be a way and it was like
so nice and like just what I needed and then became a very uh poignant like that starting
my trip at Lambert Airport in St louis texting you as i i was
meeting up with kirsten kirsten flew from kansas city to st louis and then we flew from st louis
to cancun and i was meeting up with her at the airport like old school 9 11 days of like meeting
someone at a gate but it was only because she was only already in the system and uh she was holding
a place for me at starbucks because i was going through tsa and i was like get in line and i'm
walking up and i'm texting you about it and going like, I forgot the XLR and the blah, blah.
And Kirsten's like, Nikki, and like wants to hug.
And I'm just like, I'm so sorry.
I'm like going through it.
I like pushed her away because I was so like in the moment.
The guy in line behind her, he goes, this girl's been saving your spot in line and letting people go ahead and like waiting.
And I like couldn't even hug her or be nice.
And then we get up to order and she doesn't even want anything so everyone in line is so pissed at
me because this girl has just been not even it was like so embarrassing anyway I was so distracted
I was in such a bad mindset and then um and then we got here and it uh it got a little worse uh
which I'll talk about later but um listen have you guys been to Tulum before?
Has anyone been to Tulum out there listening?
Do you guys know about it?
Because I had always heard of Tulum as like this place that,
I think the last time I talked about Tulum with someone was,
they were like, it's a magical place,
really like earthy. And like, you go there to do like mushroom. Like, it's just like, it's a magical place um really like earthy and like you go there to do like
mushroom like it's just like it's almost like i thought it was gonna be like burning man but like
like coachella like everyone pretends like it's about like the earth and music but it's really
about being seen and being hot and like partying and like so i was a little annoyed at the idea
that there was gonna be i think the maid is here. Hi, it's Sarah Lena.
Oh, Sarah Lena, hi.
We're talking about you.
Yeah, we're doing the podcast still too.
Yeah, yeah.
Good job.
Thank you.
She said good job.
She's so cute.
That's one of the girls that we're with.
You can see her on my story.
She's a model and beautiful and lovely and truly one of the only people who's as hot as they are on the inside and outside.
And it's infuriating.
But also, she's off the market market so she's not a competition anymore so thank god i can relax around her um she uh so i always knew tulum as this place that was like
young people loved so i assumed it was going to be um i also heard that this town has been like the ruined the land is like falling
off like tulum's not going to exist much longer because it's been so over commercialized that like
all the hordes of tiktokers are coming here and ruining the plumbing ruining like the infrastructure
because there's too much tourism and that tulum is like going to not be able to be like
inhabitable for or like hospitable
to hordes of people for a while. So it was like, oh, let's get in before it goes into the sea.
And, um, I also met a woman, how I ended up here was I met a woman through my friend Gleb,
my ex dance partner on Dancing with the Stars, who was like talking about how she helps out influencers
get deals and she was like oh and I go I never get a deal and she was like I could probably get
you one and I was like all right and so she worked out a deal with this place called The Nest in
Tulum you can look it up it is um I didn't because I just assumed it was dope as fuck and it is
for a different type of person.
I just want to say that like,
I am growing to love this place when I changed my mindset because I was
thinking it was going to be like a resort with like a pool and
electricity.
And no,
it has electricity.
Like I just thought there would be amenities and like really like posh,
like luxury because of how much it is.
And I'm not getting it for free,
but I'm getting a chunk of it for free
in exchange for posting it on my Instagram.
And I want to just say that this place is ideal
for a certain type of person.
And it's going to be ideal for me
when I let all of my expectations go.
And that's the important lesson of this week is that certainly don't have expectations when you haven't researched something.
When I literally did not Google this place or anything about it.
And then get here and go, oh, it's a little more rustic than I thought.
It's a lot more rustic.
And it was a letdown initially because I was expecting something else but now that I'm changing that
mindset and being like oh this now can be like a trip where we actually do get away from our phones
and away from technology there's no tv to watch f boy island on because I have a screener like
we're gonna gather around my laptop and hopefully get a wi-fi single signal now today we're gonna
do meditation we're gonna do some journaling we We're going to like, uh, play, uh, light as a
feather stiff as a board because we're bored enough to play light as a feather stiff as a
board. Like I've been really, um, yesterday I was in a sour mood and then all of my friends are
like, no, this place is amazing. Here's why. And they let me see it. And it truly is like a special
spiritual place. And I'm, I bet by Thursday I'm going to be like crying cause I'm leaving here
because it is a
test of me getting away from technology and my creature comforts and my oatmeal that I brought
literally you guys I brought like 40 packets of oatmeal just in case I didn't like the food here
and my protein powder like it it cost me money to bring that stuff because no it didn't it almost
didn't both my bags were 50 pounds like I just got under it and I go oh sweet I can buy some stuff
because I'll by the end of the trip I'll be I've eaten the oatmeal and but they don't have a microwave they don't
so I'm for me that's a gift to surrender as someone with an eating disorder that likes to
be regimented about what they eat and like know when I'm getting the food I have to like let go
and just trust that the food they provide is delicious and it was I had avocado toast for
breakfast which is the first time I've had something
other than oatmeal and protein powder for breakfast
in over a year.
And I know that's crazy,
but I didn't eat breakfast for a year.
So the fact that I'm having anything for breakfast
is a miracle, let alone departing
from my tried and true oatmeal with protein powder,
which is still delicious and I will go back to it.
But listen, that's a gift.
That is a gift to me is that,
and this whole thing is a gift.
I'm not acting like this is like, it just, I had expectations. I was disappointed, which is
constantly my life is just expecting things, fantasizing. I get the thing and it's not what
it lived up to. And then I'm mad at it when really, if I had none, I would be so happy.
And all of my friends walked into this with no expectations and they're all happy noah thought
i like the way you're thinking yes i think you're you're definitely like on track to letting go of
uh negative energy yes i this place is a really negative place and it it sucks when you're the
only and it's funny too because i keep just roasting this place in a way because i am someone who doesn't like camping doesn't like the outdoors
i love being when i'm paying a lot for something which even though they're giving me a deal this
place is not cheap and um and it's not because i'm like i'm paying a lot i want like i understand
i just the amount of money i spent i just thought assumed it was going to be a certain way because why would anyone pay that much to have a kind of camping
experience that's luxury camping glamping that's okay people do do that right and it's okay to be
upset because you're not in the setting that you originally wanted to be yes i wanted it to be what
it was when i went to cabo with all the girls i wanted it to be the it was when I went to Cabo with all the girls. I wanted it to be the same.
And it's not.
And everything in me wanted to go, like, well, I'm going to leave.
And I want it to be this.
And I'm looking at places to go.
And I'm on my bed.
And instead of just going, how can I actually, you know, like my parents' trip that they got sent back from Germany and they never even went to Greece.
I told them, like, something good will come of this.
And so something awesome already has come from this,
but something really good is on the way because I didn't freak out and make everyone leave
and go somewhere else
because I wanted to be able to watch TV.
Like that's ridiculous.
I don't even like TV.
It's just like, you know,
you just get in your head that you deserve something. So let's talk to Andrew about it. I know Andrew would love this place.
I am so lucky to have such positive people in my life, especially when I'm the one that like,
just always is telling you to be positive about things, negative things happen.
Even if you're like, you know, I even said like if marion would have died a couple weeks
ago i was like able to see the good in that and address that like something good will happen of
it if i'm able to do that with a dead dog that i love so much how can i not find the beauty of a
luxurious like rustic enchanted like place that people do pay so much money to stay and have an experience here and i'm
being a little bitch about it is just not it's it's okay nikki but it's you can do this and you
can actually it's it's not that hard to take something that people would love to do just
because it's not your cup of tea maybe you can make it your cup of tea or maybe you learn that this isn't for you and you learn because i i just get really frustrated when i go who who does like this like
who would want who who would want to spend the same amount of money for a place where you have
a pool and a cabana boy and like thousands and thousands of square feet to have in the middle of a jungle with um i mean like it is not like you know i just
but it's because i'm not everyone and there are all different types of people and like we learned
in the first episode of ted lasso second season um people are all types of people i think that
was the quote i don't even really know what it. It actually wasn't one that resonated with me deeply,
but I think it might someday.
Let's get Andrew in here.
Andrew!
Can you hear me from Tulum?
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Hey, Andrew.
Hola.
Hola.
How's Tulum?
I just got done talking about it.
Different than I expected, but I am embracing it.
That doesn't sound positive.
No.
You know me.
I have expectations for things, and when they deviate from my expectations,
which I shouldn't have expectations because I literally didn't Google Tulum or anything
about this place.
I let my assistant blindly book it all.
And I came into it.
It wasn't what I expected and it was jarring.
And I was very like, like really a pill for a good amount of time.
And then now I'm finally embracing it
and being like, okay, this is different.
It's just the word rustic comes to mind.
Luxury rustic.
Okay.
What does that mean though?
Like you have no toilet paper?
Ask me about it.
Ask me about the different things about this place.
Okay, is there a restaurant in the hotel?
Yes. Okay. How's the restaurant in the hotel? Yes.
Okay.
How's the food?
Any options?
Actually, delicious.
Is it too clubby?
Yeah, I just had avocado toast.
It was amazing.
It's not too clubby, though?
I feel like Tulum is like the new Cancun.
No, it's not.
Right.
There are clubs here.
We passed them on the way, but we're a little bit more off the beaten path.
Oh, you're at the Moritz.
The Moritz of Mexico.
Yeah, the Mor it's where we
stayed in uh no um the more it's uh was it had a tv and like oh there's no tv in the room no no no
there's no tv no it's like this is a place you go we realized on a honeymoon that's why they didn't
have any like i wanted to rent a whole like villa that had like multiple rooms and like a place with a common space and like kitchen and they were like no we don't have those you can
rent six different rooms and i was like okay that's fine and i figured like one of them would
have a living room because it would just be like but this is a place that couples go to be like
on honeymoons and like get away from technology get away from everything connect with earth be
one with nature it's like in the it's in the woods you have to
like walk through trails that have like branches through you know it's like you have to hike a
little bit to get everything's saint like sandy paths it's really like beautiful and i was just
going from room to room and i was like oh this place is actually like gorgeous and tropical and
beautiful but um yeah, no TV,
no plug next to your bed for your phone.
It's like one plug in the room.
Or vibrator.
Last night, Kirsten and I,
for entertainment purposes, when we were going to bed,
we turned on her phone flashlight
and projected light on the wall.
And then we were doing hand puppets,
like cave people. like you know like
we're entertaining ourselves with like yes and uh we were doing like she was making me laugh
so hard i was so tired last night we went to bed and i she was making me laugh so hard with some
of the things shape she was making and the sound effects and i'm going to share them on our story
because i don't even know that
they'll translate enough to like actually be funny but i i literally haven't laughed no offense to
anyone in the room noah or uh andrew i've never laughed this hard in years yeah i was crying
because she was making because at first she was like doing dogs and stuff and she'd be like i'm a
dog but the dog would look kind of fucked up because it's her hand and she's not good at it so she'd be like this is a dog with a like hematoma or
whatever like just and then at one point she would made this shape that was like this is just like a
like a like an amoeba and she was just like she was making it like fart and make weird noises
she was like it's just a blob that's like and it was so funny the sound she was making um and i was crying laughing to the point where i
got mad at her because i was so calm and when you laugh so hard your heart rate goes up and like i
was it was like i just did speed i was like i can't go to sleep now because i just laughed
so hard i feel sick and my stomach was hurting it was really wonderful we've been laughing a lot
but um yeah it's just this is a
place you go and also kirsten was like i feel like this is a place you'd go to like alone to like
write a book and i'm treating it as like girls weekend we're hanging out and playing games and
like making up dances there's no room just to make a dance there's no like that's not what this place
is and so now today we're just gonna shift and and do like, you know, we're going to whittle branches later and make a fire with a piece of glass.
It's just like camping.
No, it's not camping.
Someone's going to have the conch shell.
One of you are going to die.
I think it's like by day four you might kill.
I don't have an ego death.
I think we might do mushrooms on one day.
I'm trying to find mushrooms because I go,
let's lean in all the way to the spirituality of the place and just.
Just go in the woods and find some berries.
This seems like a place where you go to do ayahuasca.
Just start checking out some different berries, you know?
Figure it out.
Yeah, just experiment.
What about you?
You're in Chicago.
Oh, man.
Yeah, in Chicago.
I moved Brenna here.
We drove from St. Louis.
It's hectic, a move.
She's moving for her life.
She didn't have that much stuff, though.
She didn't have that much stuff.
She lived a little bit like a gypsy.
She got rid of a lot of her stuff.
It's like a sad thing to be you know moving a a girlfriend also um you know
she is uh whatever on her period and i think it might add to the sadness and um but we were just
talking about this that is so weird it's great that brenna finally got her period but um we're
just talking about how young she looks no offense b Brenna but um it's really exciting that she got it no uh we were just talking about this how
when you're on your period you're and I've said this before my old abusive therapist used to tell
me because I go like but I'm on my period right now so she goes no your feelings are real just
when you're not on your period you're you have more walls up and so when your period happens
your body is like fighting cramps and all these things and let's you're just it's not that you're
more emotional the emotional you're as emotional as you would be but you don't have any defense
for it you're weak yeah yeah she's like we were in bed and we were she was crying and then i started
shedding tears and i was it was just like intense. Oh, someone cried with their girlfriend.
I know.
We were holding each other and I was like,
she's like, you're just laughing.
I was like, these are real tears.
I had to prove to her that they were tears.
Did you do the thing where you wiped the tears on her face
like you did in college with your ex-girlfriend
to show how much you cared?
I would say yes.
You were a little bit proud of your tears, though.
Oh, for sure.
They're coming out of both eyes, for sure.
Did you watch Ted Lasso?
Is that why this happened?
No, I haven't watched it yet.
Oh, okay.
I actually think that's in the second episode.
Never mind.
It was interesting.
Then we, you know, period sex.
I know how you feel about it.
I honestly, like, if I was going to be completely honest, I was a little disgusted by period sex.
I don't know why it scares me.
Maybe the blood.
Maybe an STD thing.
Blood, and you have a fear of AIDS.
And it's not that you think anyone that has blood coming out of their vagina has AIDS,
but it's just like when I was operating on Brenna's foot and I nicked my finger,
you freaked out because there was blood.
And I also was like, yeah, you're scared of blood, dude.
But we're on day three or four.
We're both on it of day three or four at a period. And the flow is it's on you it was all over me but so she it's on yeah
she's on it and it's on you so it's interesting well we have a white mattress where you can
probably see the blood still it looks like i killed a ferret um but uh i she she she was like
why a ferret why is there like a long like. Because there's not that much blood. Oh, well, maybe a mouse or like a mosquito.
All right, go on.
But it was just funny because, you know, because, you know, what happened.
And I feel for women because like, let's say you want to go on this vacation to Tulum or whatever.
And your period is during this time, during your vacation time.
And you want to have sex.
And now you're stuck in a window of
like if the guy doesn't want to fuck on a period now i'm have to fucking worry about like
syncing up and you're gonna hate the vacation so i'm leaving in a couple days so we want to
have sex before you know right and so anyways so we had sex and uh she's like no i think i'm good
and then we realized you know halfway through a condom make
you feel better no i'm fine i so so what what i was getting to is like we were having it and then
it was funny she realized she wasn't completely done bleeding and um she went to get a towel and
i was like oh she's cleaning me off and then she just laid it on the bed like a like a g and uh
you know and then i started getting into it, and I started getting animalistic.
Like, yeah, I like that it's dirty.
I like that it's bloody.
I started leaning into, I don't know, being a goddamn animal.
So it's pretty badass.
Yes.
Yeah, it actually turned me on.
Good job.
Yeah.
I think you make a good point of there is, when I'm on my period,
I feel disappointed when I have to tell a guy that I know it's never ideal like if maybe there are some guys that prefer it and they're just like I'm not kink shaming or like
if you like it but most of the time it seems like an inconvenience and even if you are okay with it
it's just like it puts a red damper on the whole thing but and then there are these times where
it's like oh we got this hotel we spent all this money to have like the sex and now you're on your
period or oh we have to say goodbye.
And like these are the three days we get to be together and they're the worst of your rag.
And it's like that's why I think first of all, I guess blowjobs.
Yeah.
Blowjobs, anal.
But then anal as a whole, if you're not into blood, you probably won't be into what's up there.
And maybe that girl doesn't want that and the guy doesn't even want that so you're if you're someone who just enjoys vaginal sex and you're a
little skeeved out by period blood um you just have to find ways around it titty fucking um
jerking him off oh my god i am so into jerks hand jobs with so much lube that you have to put a
towel down because you're just you, if you haven't used lube
to give a handjob before,
girls,
I hate handjobs.
I used to be so insecure about them
because I don't know the right rhythm
and like a guy does it better himself.
You know,
at least when I'm blowing someone,
if I feel like I'm bad at it,
at least like I can't see
the disappointment in his face
because my head is down there.
But a handjob,
you can look at the guy and you can just kind of see his overall vibe unless you're closing your
eyes which why would you close your eyes during hand job but when you get it all like guys don't
ever you and you're a dry boy but i swear to god a really really lubed up like more than you would
want because and girls if you're like oh but my guy uses lube so that's not going to make it different they don't use a lot of lube and also if you get the flavored lube like emily um sex
with emily told us about the period blood flavor yeah that one's great it's like very irony it
tastes like pennies um period blood, but it's
the kind that tastes like copper.
Hell yeah.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
But that,
I just really want to recommend
to people, first of all, I think you just
recommended try to get over your fears
and maybe find the joy
in this thing, the rustic sex you're having.
You're finding the joy of it. Oh, it's animalistic. And I'm like, oh my god,
I'm in the rainforest.
It's animalistic.
Tulum is period sex for me.
It can be, I can embrace it
and actually enjoy it as opposed to
putting up with it.
Yeah, you have a rustic hotel.
And having expectations of what it's going to be.
And I have a rusty pussy.
A lot of rust going on here.
Yes.
It's very similar,
but I just want to say
I really want to recommend
to anyone who thinks
they have the sex game figured out,
you like your sex life,
adding,
especially when you don't want to have sex
or like you're sore
because you already had too much of it,
he wants to go again
or there's some kind of thing
or you're not having vaginal sex
and you don't want to have any anal sex
because you might think things are going happening break out the
lube the get yourself some flavored lube or just lube in general and give them a crazy really wet
put a towel down uh sloppy like hand job and they will fucking love it and you will too because it's
fun to play with a penis if it's that slippery yeah and like and you don't use your saliva and then if you if it's flavored
you can like lick it too but i really recommend handjobs with lube guys don't even know to ask
for it you know what i recommend to them happy as a guy with a handjob uh or that gives himself
handjobs uh The problem is,
even if we go lefty with a hand job,
it's going to feel foreign to us and we're not going to hit the same nerves
that we're used to.
And you would think it would be better
because it was different,
but we're so efficient with our right hand
or whatever hand you do jerk off is
that you know exactly where to hit,
exactly where to feel.
So if I was a girl,
I would almost jerk off a guy
from his point
of view from his face coming down i'm really sorry to do this to you do you know what i'm about to do
to you what oh you said this in a bit this is like my bit i literally andrew i'm not even joking you
we are so meant to be friends i the first time i gave a hand job was in 2000 oh yes i'm sorry i'm
sorry and i was in a bathroom and i yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
And I was in a bathroom.
So you come around.
And I did it from behind because I thought it made sense to me that guys always do it
themselves.
And handjobs are the things that guys go, I can do it better myself.
So I go, I'll do it like him from behind.
Yes.
I say, like, I'm showing him a new golf swing or we're doing an improv game.
Like, whose line is it anyway?
I'm like, I'm Wayne Brady.
And I go like uh and then but i
really did use that same logic yeah there's nothing but the other day i was giving a hand
job let me ask you this and i said to him and we're very like the person that i'm hooking up
with we're at the point now after we've been hooking up a little bit like we're very comfortable
but like do this don't do that no one gets hurt no one gets offended and i go will you just show me what you do to jerk off and he was like i want you to do he was like no like i want you to do
your own thing and like i want it to be different than that so that was an interesting thing too of
like i don't know if he was because i've always wanted to catch a guy jerking off and like i think
it's hot to see a guy jerk off and i think a lot of guys have shame about it or like it's just
something they do in private that are just i remember tom takar used to see a guy jerk off. And I think a lot of guys have shame about it or it's just something they do in private.
I remember Tom Takar used to have a joke
about catching his own reflection
in the computer screen when it goes dark
of jerking off and the face he makes.
And I just remember how guys would laugh at that
in the audience.
So every guy is kind of ashamed
of how disgusting you look when you're doing it.
So I think...
Well, last night, that's how I...
I may think the guy that I didn't want to show me.
I came to completion by jerking myself off.
What I love to do is I'll have her, you know,
masturbate to herself and we'll just like look at each other,
but not like, but it's still dark enough.
Not like bright.
Yeah, mutual masturbate.
Mutual mat, whatever.
Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, yeah.
Mash, yeah, mash it up.
Well, this is, I love that we talk about sex so openly that these things are, you know, usually things you have to give a disclaimer on.
Like today's episode has graphic imagery, but this is just another Monday for us on the Nikki Glaser podcast.
How about we get to the news?
Oh, apparently it's coming up.
2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.
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What if you asked two different people the same set of questions?
Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.
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And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season.
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I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.
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My head is pounding.
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It's hard to understand what hope is
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This season, join me on my journey
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You heard it here first.
You heard it here first.
Yeah, you heard it here first.
I'm kind of jealous.
I'm seeing you guys in this beach wear.
I got to be honest, but I know you're having all the swells down there,
having a great time.
I'm having swells here.
But you're jealous of not being able to see girls in beach wear,
or you're just jealous of being at the beach?
Like you kind of want to see me and my hot friends in beach wear.
Yeah.
I got some hot friends, by the way.
Oh, yeah, you do.
It's crazy.
Everyone's so beautiful and their best self here.
And we just feel free to be like naked and free.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, compare pussies.
Sorry, that came off strong.
No, we definitely will do that before it's over.
I think there's a pussy comparing tent that they have here.
Oh, is that bingo all night?
Yeah, it's the PCT, the pussy comparing tent.
There's a special one here, and then you put up a crystal inside of yourself.
I bet there's a lot of crystal stuff around here.
People do.
Yeah, we're like the only ones here, too, by the way.
It's awesome.
Okay, what's the news, dude?
First story.
Pink supports the Norwegian women's beach handball team
and offers to pay fines they slapped with
for wearing shorts instead of bikini bottoms
for the championship against Bulgaria.
So these women, they have to wear shorts
10 centimeters or shorter by the Olympic committee.
They're like, you have to show your pussy
in order to play handball.
And look, it's like you said, I remember, I'm thinking about when you're like-
God, those girls have amazing bodies.
Wear a thong if you want to wear a thong.
Wear a thong or wear shorts.
It's your body.
You decide a lot or a little.
It's the same kind of-
Who needs them to wear little things?
Does that change the way they play even some i was reading on reddit last night and people were talking about um i don't even know
if it was reddit but they were just talking about how you know watching gymnasts and watching uh
swimmers and obviously women's bulgarian handball like girls are constantly adjusting themselves
before things to make sure that it's not they're like gymnasts
like their butt isn't hanging out they're constantly adjusting and men don't need to do
many adjustments for their that kind of stuff and if they're they are doing adjustments it's for
comfort it's not for my body is showing and i don't want to be sexualized right now so a woman
should be able to literally wear a head-to-toe spandex onesie,
like Green Man type thing, if she wants to do the balance beam and that.
Because if it doesn't affect her performance, it enhances it.
I'm sure some will be like, I like performing in that.
It makes me feel more free.
I don't have to.
Great.
But you should be able to have the choice.
Why can't we just all just do what we want?
Yeah, just do what you want.
Weren't they molesting gymnasts and they let that slide within the organization for decades?
Yeah, but they were wearing short shorts, so it was fine.
It's so funny.
USA Gymnastics protected Larry Nassar and abusive coaches down the line for decades and still do and won't take accountability for a lot of it.
Yet they get all up in arms and this isn't just
i mean i know we're talking about handball but i i do believe that there's regulations on what
gymnasts wear and gymnasts i mean jerry seinfeld used to have a bit i was thinking about last night
when i was reading about this about how they should put advertisement on gymnasts butts during
the olympics this was an old bit that like that would be the best place because you watch the
olympics to stare at women's butts or volleyball and it's like that is such a not okay joke now i mean it's it actually is true
that would be a good place to advertise because people are watching it because it's sexy girls
tiny little girls that look prepubescent because everyone's a pedophile and uh, but that joke would probably not age well, just like, uh, they don't want gymnasts
to.
And I just, I think that's watching as soon as I was reading about like the discomfort
of like moving your suit around.
And that's why I've always been so mad about swimsuits for women.
It's like, I went from being a child who wore one pieces and never worried about anything.
Um, just wasn't wasn't if i adjusted my
suit it's because it was just like uncomfortable it wasn't and i could jump in and i could dive
and i could pretend i'm a mermaid and do flips and literally every i'm wearing like a two-piece
top right now and i've adjusted it a million times because i'm so scared my tit might fall
out in a way that my friend andrew might get turned on in a way that he doesn't want to be
by his friend and i have to prevent the way that he doesn't want to be by his friend.
And I have to prevent the way that he, like, which I can't control you.
And I'm also feeling like I should put on a top while I'm talking to Andrew because this is distracting or whatever.
It's like, because guys, and you, if you were distracted by my tits, it wouldn't be like because you want to fuck me.
It's just like, it is distracting.
It's like, why do I have to worry about that.
Because of fashion.
And honestly.
Bikinis were invented by men.
And I do like bikinis.
It's funny you say that.
Because.
I remember.
It's complicated.
I was in a relationship.
Before.
And.
It kind of ended.
Because.
Another woman walked into a bar.
And showing her nipples.
Through her shirt.
And I.
I stared at them.
Because they're just nipples.
Like.
I wasn't like.
Horny. I wasn't turned on. If're just nipples. I wasn't horny.
I wasn't turned on.
If I see tits, I look at tits.
I'm going to look at the tits.
And she hated that she caught me looking at the nipples.
And it was a dog that had just given birth.
So of course it had a bunch of nipples.
And she got jealous of that bitch.
And that was a bitch.
Yeah, I remember that. And listen, i wanted probably at the time to be like
your girlfriend is fucking nuts and like that's such an overreaction and why is she worried about
it but she couldn't help that she felt that way you couldn't help that you look at the tits and
she couldn't help that whatever that was made her feel unsafe and it was based on past stuff and like
it's just i think that and everyone should wear whatever they want and not care.
And I love when women actually can be super sexy.
And I've always been someone who doesn't want to show off my boobs because I don't want to distract men and have them sexualize me when I'm trying to talk about like my like bowel movements or something.
Like, I'm like, oh, I don't want to turn this guy on when i'm trying to but then there's sometimes where you're like oh i would like to turn this guy on because it'll
make him stupid and he'll give me something because he thinks he might be able to fuck me
because my tits out a little bit yeah i don't know it'd be funny if the bulgarian team was like
all right you want to see our you want to see it all all right like they wear like the skimpy
it's like see-through thong and they're like like, all right, here you go. Here's all the pussy. You want some of the pussy?
Or like crotchless boy shorts.
And they pull the handball out of their pussy.
And they're like, is this what you want, Olympics?
Oh, my God.
I just think the handjob team, though, the Bulgarian handjob team,
should ask to use more lube.
It might hurt their swing.
I don't know. We'll find out.
We'll find out.
Okay, next headline.
Three potential ways to train the brain
to release dopamine, to feel good
molecule on demand.
Okay, hold on. We just
looked at each other, and I think everyone that
was listening just looked up
and just goes, oh. What did I say? Dopamine?
Well, no. Molecule no but let's try it again
go again molecule what say that again molecule good there you go what did i say not you said
molecule a molecule molecule it is molecule of me to correct that but it is molecule i think you
have problems with the the u's Like regular. You say regular.
Mule.
Lula.
What were you saying before where you were like daring.
Daring.
Instead of during.
That's not really a during, but daring.
Yeah.
Okay.
Go on. I'm not good with U's or I's.
Or me.
Or me.
You're not good with U.
You could say that.
You, Nikki.
I'm not good with U.
No, I love you, Nikki, and I miss you.
Oh, I love you too, Andrew. I miss you. Oh, I love you too,
Andrew. I miss you too, even though I did walk in your room to get something out of your closet, and it was
so... I can't believe Brenna
saw your room. You let her...
That is... You talk about
having a triumph over
exposing yourself.
The fact that Brenna saw your room,
you should have to
literally drink her period blood.
Because your room is period blood, like Carrie-style period blood on someone's head.
What, that back closet?
No, your actual room.
Listen, this is coming from someone who has messy rooms, too.
So there's no hate for me.
I was impressed that you let...
It wasn't like I was mad at you about your room or like,
Oh my God,
he's such a disgusting person or something like that.
Because I have my rooms like that.
I just would never let my Brenna see it.
Yeah,
I get it.
But she was,
she definitely saw the room that you left.
It is so,
I,
you have to take a picture of when you walk in your room,
just what it looks like in there.
Yeah.
Just the way you left it.
Tornado doesn't even, what it looks like in there yeah just the way you left it tornado doesn't even
it literally looks like it does look like the aftermath of a sub like a scavenger hunt by
like uh you know wild boars it looks like if the cops raided my room looking for for drugs
and they just broke everything and and you know what i like about it too is the four corners have exploded
i love it because i'm coming back in a couple days and most people want to come back to like
ah a new start you know i'm just coming back to a fucking disaster my mom taught me that like
before we would go on vacation she would always want to clean the house i'm like we're leaving
what do we need to clean it's like because you want to walk in and have a clean place and i've
started to just like make my bed before I leave and just do some
semblance of like back home.
But your room is so funny,
Andrew.
I love you so much because of who you are.
I'll take a photo and I'll put it right on to our Instagram.
Uh,
yeah.
On Nikki Glaser pod.
I will not touch it.
I will not touch it.
I want you to video of walking into your room,
opening up the door and then videoing around.
By the way, you'll love this.
So Brenna's bed here is like a crib.
Oh, that's great.
It's literally a crib.
And so we were having sex.
I was like, ooh, you're a little baby.
Oh, God.
You're stuck in a crib.
That really turns my stomach.
I know.
I guess I feel like the way Noah's looking at you and what you said earlier, am I too
old for Brenna? Is that what you guys were talking about?
Next story. Yeah, I feel like that.
I can feel the vibe in there.
Because I put a photo on Instagram
and you said I look like she could be my daughter.
I bet you said something like that.
No, we didn't say that. We just go, she looks so young.
And I go, I assured Noah, I go,
I know she does, but she is
honestly, she should be on this girl's trip.
She's so cool i want
her in my life forever all the things i told her the other day when we were saying goodbye like
i love brenna so much she does look super young and to me she i don't because i know her in real
life i see the pictures and i don't see how young she looks but there is this like we were talking
about it and it's not you men are just attracted to women that sometimes look like children um and she doesn't look like
a child she has amazing boobs and like such curves and like she's on her period so she's not a child
but she does look young a lot younger than she is which she is already she's 25 right she's 25
yeah she's 25 um and truly i have no judgment of her looking young or being young i i've you know
i've let that go but there is a trend and i think it's from that's why i got off tiktok is that i was finding that i was jealous
of 11 year olds and 12 year olds that were being sexualized and like looking dewy and like look
doing their makeup so they're like they look hot and i'm like oh my god there's all these likes
clearly men like this look and i was trying i was starting to think that children were the way to look.
Pre-teens are the way that I need to look to get men to like me.
And it fucked with me.
And I just think there is a trend that is moving towards younger and younger, younger looking girls.
And it's not because you just happen to have a girl that is actually super mature and does look like a woman that looks young in a picture.
Yeah.
That made us kind of have that conversation.
So when you said the crib thing, we were just like, but it had nothing to do with actually Brenna.
It's just she in that picture looked really young.
And like we, you know, I think like because me and her will joke about it, you know, obviously.
And usually the joke is that I will die tomorrow from old age you know
when she's you know gonna go get her mba or something you know what like like yes i like
the joke usually is that i'm old and that yeah we we are definitely like aware that there's an age
difference and that she can look young yeah you are you are 25 at heart like you truly have my
room is you might have yeah yeah your room is you are young at heart. Like, you truly have. My room is 12.
Yeah, your room is, you are young at heart.
And Brenna actually is, like, I don't,
I hate this old soul bullshit,
but there's nothing about her except maybe some of the references I might make that she,
like, you know, she just watched Friends for the first time
and, like, binged it.
But, like, this bitch knows Friends just as well as I do now.
Like, she might not get some of the references,
but emotionally and intellectually,
she is 37.
She's on par with me.
And I think that there's nothing about your relationship
that I would ever talk bad about behind your back
of like, he's too old.
Maybe in the beginning, I was just like,
oh God, a young girl.
But literally, I would defend you
to the death of dating a girl that young
and her dating you that old. I mean, it's death of dating a girl that young and her dating
you that old I mean it's more of like what's wrong with her I agree um but yeah she's amazing
yeah no no you guys are so cute together and I was just telling Noah how much I love the fact that
she can love you for all the things that I would think that you would maybe hidden in a relationship before or like your messy room and like your...
I fart so much.
Your farts that you hide and then they come out.
And she goes,
it sounds like you've been hiding that all night.
And you're like, I was...
It's just like, she just loves you for you.
Last night I had one of the funniest things.
Have you guys said I love you?
Not yet.
Okay, okay.
But it's coming, I feel.
But I probably shouldn't even say that. We'll but i probably shouldn't say that i'll hear about
tomorrow i guarantee you we'll hear about tomorrow oh you froze i i am i here now so oh yeah yeah
you're here the funniest moment and i don't know if i'll ask to take this out later but i probably
not so we were having sex and she had a uh you know a queef because of sex you know and she
couldn't like stand up fully oh my god i've had
so many queefs recently like without literally someone farted yesterday i was like that reminded
me of my sex life so yeah so she had a queef and and so to make her feel better i fart
so she was queefing when i was farting like and it was i love that i i farted so much because i
fart when i come sometimes like it just like
pushes air out of it there's not even like a
smell fart and queefs aren't like a smell
they're just a sound you know of air
and it's so embarrassing because it makes
that sound and
the person I've been like hooking up with
was just like
that
usually we would just like ignore it
or in past relationships i've ignored
those sounds and we act like they don't happen but he like was like that just happened because
you're such a whore or like such a dirty whore he like turned it into like like i literally like
farted out of my butt like gross you know and i he he just goes he goes don't worry and i go oh
like i was like oh my god whatever you're doing is gonna make me like fart a lot and i was like
scared and he was just like no you're farting whatever you're doing is going to make me like fart a lot. And I was like scared.
And he was just like, no, you're farting because you're a filthy whore. And I was just like, oh, okay.
You took this thing that is filthy and made it like a good thing.
And it, you know, maybe that won't work for everyone, but I felt like you farted to make
her feel better.
I felt instantly better.
And I hope we get to keep that in, but definitely do talk to her if she's okay with that being
in.
But I just want to say no shame in queefing or farting or like shitting at anything ever.
And I love that story.
That's so cute.
Let's get to an actual next news story because we are running out of time.
A 23-year-old influencer.
Uh-oh.
Maybe another ledgehead.
Possibly.
Foreshadowing.
A crane operator plunged 160 feet to her death while live streaming a video to her
followers from a cabin of a crane in china second one in china second ledge head to the death
we gotta stop these ledge heads i mean it just it's it's getting a crane operator at 23 that's
really impressive and she doesn't i guess that's an age like she doesn't look like a like her whole
thing was is she was she worked you know for a crane and age. She doesn't look like a, like her whole thing was, is she was, she worked, you know, for
a crane and she looked like she like was like a 14 year old who like couldn't drive a car,
but she was like.
Hot.
Yeah.
It was kind of.
Oh, she's like a cute little girl.
Yeah.
And she was in a crane and then she fell out of the crane and then live streamed her death.
Yeah.
How many people saw it?
Over a hundred thousand. No way her death. Yeah. How many people saw it? Over 100,000.
No way.
Really?
Yeah.
She was like a really famous person then.
She was speaking to blurry equipment whizzing past the,
like literally like had it to the, yeah.
So free ledge heads out there.
Just don't, just stop.
It's not worth it.
Yeah.
There's the things you do when you know sometimes you feel
invincible like have you ever been filming something on and and it's happening like if
we go to a concert you know and you are filming the person on stage or one of those people that's
filming the concert and you look at your phone screen even though it's in front of you you become
like you forget you're even there and that there are consequences to your actions there yes we get so removed my other day my mom was filming me playing guitar and she was holding
and she was just watching her phone i go do you know you can watch me like you can look up we can
just put it on a thing and you could just watch me and she's like i like watching the phone i'm like
yeah she's not even like you're not like present like that happens i i totally that that happens
to me in such little ways of like not falling to my death in a crane,
but just being, because I'm filming something, the rules don't apply.
Yeah, for sure.
Gravity doesn't apply.
Or if, like, there's a fight on the street or if there's, you know, I bet you, you know,
camera phones weren't quite as big.
Like, 9-11, like, people probably would have went up to the building and, like, been like,
oh, you know, like, you just feel detached from it. And it's like, no, it's still reality. Got a lot of ledge heads at 9-11 like people probably would have went up to the building and like been like oh you know like yeah you just feel detached from it and it's like a lot of 9-11 um that was not a good
joke okay so um we could leave that in what i do want to say though is we should probably have a
segment for like ledgehead of the week because this is going to keep happening or just like
you know dumb and i don't like to say the Darwin Award of like, you're stupid, because this girl,
she could operate a crane.
To get that job, you're not dumb.
It's just a moment.
It's just like everyone can have a dumb moment.
Let's get to why do I care.
Why do I care?
All right, Ben Affleck rubs J-Lo's bottom in a very raunchy display
on a $130 million mega yacht in Saint-Tropez.
19 years later.
They're recreating the video.
This is, I just did Busy Phillips' podcast.
Her co-host, Cassie St. Onge,
on Instagram,
posted before this shot was taken,
she said, listen, I have been paying attention.
Everything that they're doing
is still,
they're recreating images from
the music video they did 20 years ago.
It's the 20th anniversary
coming up they're going to do a reprise of this video she goes if i if all these are predictions
are right tomorrow they will be on a yacht somewhere and he will rub her butt and then it
happened it's like oh they're recreating the video and they're gonna release a video and it doesn't
mean their relationship isn't real it's just a little fun thing for them to do if you look at
these pictures of them on a yacht there's's tons of them. It looks so boring.
They are alone on this yacht.
And it reminds me of being, this is why I care about this.
I was looking at them on this yacht.
It's just them, like, hanging out.
And being in Tulum at this place, like, if you were to come here as a couple,
there's, like, nothing to do.
Like, it's just a place for, for like there's something about honeymoons that
really stressed me out because you go from like all of your friends and family having this great
time to then alone with your husband and like no work no phones no or like you can have phones and
stuff but you're supposed to be off them and like relaxing and it's like it's a lot of pressure
for one other person to like entertain you and be your everything to start off your life.
It's so much time alone.
Because you also feel like if you're on your honeymoon and it's like, okay, I'm just going to go on TikTok for three hours or I'm going to go read a book and not pay attention.
You feel so much stress to have to pay attention to them.
There can't be any down moments.
But really, you're both to pay attention to them. Like there can't be any down moments of like,
no,
this is,
you're both wanting that time to go.
Uh, recently,
you know,
hanging out with this person that I've just been like hooking up with.
There'll be times where like we are done hooking up or whatever.
And we're just like talking and I'm like,
I want to be on my phone.
So fucking bad.
And then I just go,
can we just like be on our phones for a little bit?
And he's like,
yeah.
It's like,
do you ever do that with Brenna?
Cause I know sometimes she goes to bed and then you feel bad like still being on your
phone staying up like she's going to bed so it must be like time to sleep blow out the candle
and like we both go to bed like farmers she definitely is less of a addicted to her phone
than i am so i think sometimes when we're together i'm like two on my phone and like if she's like if
i see your screen is green i get a little angry because it means i'm i'm like two on my phone and like if she's like if i see your screen is green
i get a little angry because it means i'm watching golf video it's like the grass right i thought
there was like a dating app that's green um no it's probably worse with golf yeah obsessed
you know that i told her though that your obsession with golf is linked to her yeah link
yeah and it absolutely is um but yeah when someone has an obsession like that it does get
annoying where you're just like oh you're like that's so funny that her seeing the green on
your face like the the reflection of green and hearing a boring guy's voice uh will like make
her feel angry like yeah i get it it's just and the fact that when you hold her
Sometimes you're like working on your
Swing like is that a thing that happens
Yeah we had sex
And I was practicing my swing behind her back
And I thought I was being smooth
But I wasn't and
It's so funny she called me out on the swing
And yeah
So I mean I'm not gonna be doing that anymore
I'm not gonna at least doing that anymore. I'm not going to, at least not the, you know, five iron.
The first thing is, he saw the show Sex Life.
We all watched it together the first episode.
The husband and the wife are having like, you know, married sex.
The worst version of it.
She's really horny.
He's just going through the motions.
He's trying to watch the game as she's riding him.
He's like looking past her at the game.
And it's like, I don't want someone to suppress that if they want to watch the game.
I'd rather you just be honest with me and say, I want to watch the game.
And I go, okay, well, let's deal with that.
Like, and you know, the, the argument in the breakup between Jennifer Aniston, when she's
like, you never do the dishes.
And he's like, I did the dishes.
And she's like, but you didn't want to do the dishes.
I want you to want to do the dishes.
Like, why would I want to do the dishes?
And it's like, I don't want you to have sex with me unless you want to have sex with me but sometimes i want
to have sex and you want to watch the game it's like okay how do we both get what we want and not
suppress like i just never want someone to have another agenda without telling me yeah that makes
sense that's controlling though because people are allowed to have secrets and i should be okay
with that but i think fucking while the game is on could can be hot
getting jealous like thinking you're on a dating app because usually when a guy is up at night and
has the phone off the bed trying to hide it or goes to the bathroom to be on his phone he's
cheating but you're just watching watching guys on tiktok tell you how to perfect your
fate i'm rock hard if that makes sense yeah that is yeah that is uh that's the problem that's most
we tried watching porn oh sorry sorry sorry oh you tried watching porn yeah together for the first time and i just
i i i was laughing hysterically at watching porn i couldn't get into it i was maybe didn't pick the
right video i tried we tried a lot of different things i just why were you laughing i don't know
it's just so funny to me for some reason because I think maybe because I just had anxiety about having to be horny at that moment.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Instead of just being whatever it was.
Yeah, I couldn't like.
The expectations.
Yeah, yeah, probably that's what it was.
All right, let's get to top one, bottom one.
You know what it is?
It's Monday, everyone.
So we do the best and the worst of a category. And today's is themed because of this vacation
and this resort I'm staying at,
the rustic resort,
The Nest in Tulum,
which look into it,
it's definitely up alleys
of some people
in a very specific way
and it's about to be up mine.
We're talking about the,
what's the category, Noah?
We're going to talk about
hotel experiences.
Top one, bottom one,
hotel experiences. Andrew, would you like to kick us off? hotel experiences top one bottom one hotel experiences andrew would you
like to kick us off so the top or bottom we always start bottom you know that okay i didn't know if
we were switching it up uh so i uh i bottom one is why would we do that sometimes you switch
positions that's all yeah that's a good point okay okay keep them guessing uh bottom one uh
i was in a motel off the are we watching porn huh we're just giggling for no reason you're
giggling for no reason are you watching porn i don't know why it's just giggly to me i don't
know i'm just giggly today i'm sweaty it's hot in this room um so i uh i was so i failed miserably in la i had the mild overdose
in new orleans it's all a long story but long story short uh i left la to go back to florida
completely defeated and in a ton of debt and uh we had a certain amount of money me and my little
brother were going to drive across the country and play golf like five different times and we
ended up spending all our money on one golf course called the phoenician in like arizona and then
we stayed in a motel off the highway outside san antonio because we like had no money left
and it was just it was like one of those you know those motels where you drive by it's just an old
pickup truck is the only car in the whole parking lot yeah it has like three wheels so the guy's
like probably dead inside there that's what the motel was like and i was like i'm we're gonna get
stabbed here it was like you sleep with one eye open i'm like this is where my life like it kind
of just been like it kind of hit me i just remember just being like this is my like life like i'm this
motel right now you know what i mean like right it was just so representative of where it
was a place that people go to probably have prostitutes or do drugs yeah and i'm on a road
trip with my brother trying to be like a you know a good role model older brother and here i am
driving back because i had a mild cocaine overdose and i've lost all my money and i need to move back
home as a failure i'm so glad you got through that.
It honestly could have killed you.
Yeah, probably.
But we got through at the motel surprisingly not very decently.
Oh, right.
My worst hotel experience was when I was doing,
I was opening for John Caparulo on the road.
He got me a college.
He was doing a college
university of
he was in Charlotte.
For some reason, I got it in my head
that it was in Augusta. I don't know why.
I just thought Augusta
was broke at the time.
Couldn't afford anything. And Augusta,
they had like a, you know, price line
got a thing. Augusta, Georgia?
Yes. I don't know what I was thinking, but somehow wires got crossed.
And I thought I was doing, supposed to do a show with Charlotte.
First of all, I also got the week wrong.
So it was the weekend before I flew to Augusta, which is the wrong city, the wrong weekend.
From LA or New York?
No money.
From LA or New York?
From New York.
Oh, but still.
I flew there, took a cab that was like 65 dollars like you know
when i was fucking broke as shit to a hotel got there and realized like on the way there that the
gig wasn't happening and it was a week too soon like i was just an idiot and got there stayed at
this uh america's best in augusta georgia um it was the seediest place I've ever stayed at.
I tried to order a pizza because it was the only thing that would deliver to there.
They wouldn't come to the area because it was such a terrible area.
They don't deliver there because they've been mugged so many times delivering pizzas to that place.
There was only a Wendy's to walk to.
Once I walked to it, once it got dark, there was gang activity.
It was one of the ones that the door opens to the parking lot.
It was very, very dangerous.
I was like so out of place
and it was just one of those weekends
where I was like crying
Wait, when did you realize?
Why were you there?
So you had to wait
until your flight came back?
No, sorry, just the day.
Like it was, I think it just,
sorry, just the night.
Okay, but then when did you realize
you were in the wrong city
on the wrong weekend?
I think on the way there
or like, oh, when I landed and there wasn't someone there to pick me up from the college.
It was terrible.
It was so terrible.
It was honestly the worst time of my life.
I was still drinking.
I think I was just like a mess.
I was so broke.
I didn't even have a computer.
My phone was in that position where like, you know, back in like 2000, this is 2011.
Like the phone chargers, like you had to like, sometimes you would have to bend them a certain way for them to get a charge.
And so you'd wrap the cord in a certain way that would make the charger bend so that it would pick up the charge.
So my phone could only charge if the cord was wrapped tightly so they would bend.
It was like just life was hell.
And I had to eat fucking Wendy's chili.
And I was, it was terrible.
That was the, that was so bad. I mean, that was a lead head poppy move if I've ever heard one. I had to eat fucking Wendy's chili. It was terrible.
That was so bad. That was a lead head poppy move if I've ever heard one.
I'll tell you.
It was the biggest poppy move of my life.
It was like kind of skidding to a bottom.
Noah, what was your worst?
Okay, so during Hurricane Sandy, I was working in radio.
I had to stay in the city during the hurricane.
I just found this like midtown
hotel and it was the creepiest hotel it was just like a like a very thin hotel room um a very thin
hotel and the elevator was one of those pulley elevators it was all wooden and it had like that
gate door is this one of your scary movies you watch?
No, no, this is for real.
And someone had to like pull the elevator up and then it opened up
and the hotel room had this disgusting
like green carpet that looked like AstroTurf.
The walls had this like really creepy wallpaper
that I'm sure it was blood splatter on them.
It was the most disgusting thing
and there was a pubic hair in the sheets.
Okay, I think this is like a very common thing with like disgusting like disgusting hotels can be
so horrifying there can be hotels already are disgusting when you do the black light thing but
like a hotel that isn't being well cared for and it's just a place where people go to have sex and
then check out or do drugs this This is definitely one of those.
We definitely need
to get listeners to send in the
creepiest weirdest things they've seen at hotels
because I think that we would get some amazing
stories because I couldn't even pick a bottom one because
there were so many bad ones. Let's go around
the horn and say our best
story. It's always just one pubic
hair. Why isn't it like 70?
I don't even mind pubic hair like
i just go okay whatever i just can't i can't like call that i don't want to change rooms and deal
with this so i just like brush it off i've eaten a taco bell and a bug was something moved after i
took it out of my mouth and i just kept eating the taco like a pubic lice was in your food and
you were like it's fine there's enough hair in your taco that pubic lice was in your food, and you were like, it's fine. There's enough hair in your taco that pubic lice had set up shop.
Look, it got me ready to fuck on a period.
My dad loves, there's some joke my dad loves that he says he came up with,
but he says that because he was like, you know, scabies,
they're an endangered species because their habitat's being destroyed.
He thinks that's a really good joke because women shave their pussies now.
There's deforestation, so they're on the endangered species list.
I'm like, that's not a bad joke.
Yeah, that's not bad.
They're a threatened species.
But he always goes like, you know what I said?
I'm like, yes, I know.
It's like a rainforest.
Okay, Dad.
Yeah, in Cincinnati.
I love you too.
All right.
So, Andrew, best hotel experience?
Best hotel experience with three buddies, guys trip, Canada.
We randomly, because of a snowstorm, we stayed in a couple extra days and we stayed at this hotel called the Chateau Fairmont,
which was a hotel that's literally on a glacier lake outside of a place called Lake Louise.
And it was absolutely gorgeous.
We skied all day.
We ate fondue together, just four men eating fondue feeding each other and then we actually got in a horrible argument at the top of the
restaurant on the top of the mountain and then we got stuck in the gondola on the way down
and we all made up like 200 feet stuck in a gondola and realizing kind of like, why are we fighting when we could all be dead?
You could die in a gondola.
Yeah.
And it was just like an amazing bonding guys trip that,
you know,
hopefully one day I'll bring my wife to the hotel,
you know,
and go down on her while she's on the rag,
you know,
something like that.
That's great.
Yeah.
Thanks for that.
I was going to make a young joke,
but I just,
I couldn't come up with one in time
you're getting old
yeah that's true I know
I don't need to worry about you being turned on by
my tits because they're just you know they're
decades older than you would be into
true so
Noah what is your best
hotel top one
we're going out of order though
what are you doing
you're right Andrew I don Nikki, what are you doing?
You're right, Andrew. I don't know what I'm doing and I called you on that before and that's not okay.
I was saving mine to last because
I wanted to say that
I already referenced it, but last night, Kirsten
making the shapes on the wall at the nest
in Tulum was the most fun
I've ever had at a hotel and I'm
just going to play the recording right now and see if it translates
because I can't help it.
It looks like two snarky alligators.
She's just making different shapes. Now this is the one
that made me laugh so hard because it was
like a blob that was
farting. She was like, oh, it just looks like an amoeba
that's just like...
You've got to see the shape,
but it's just the sound that she makes
that makes me laugh so hard.
What is it?
I thought she was doing a chicken.
It does kind of look like a turkey.
I mean, not really.
I just...
So it looked like just a hand that was just like almost like a squid
and she was like it looks like an amoeba she goes
and then it farts at the end
and it was that was the beginning of
me laughing so hard I couldn't
even film so that was my favorite moment
sharing a bed with a best friend that you don't see
for a long time like and Kirsten and I
have shared so many beds together through the
years of just talking she was my first kiss she was
the first person to see my vagina.
She was the first person to like touch my vagina.
I think like,
because she had to prove to me that I had a hole for a tampon to go in.
Cause I just thought I didn't have one.
And she's just like my best.
Like we're just last night we were showering before bed.
Cause we were like sandy and stinky and we wanted to get in the clean sheets
and be clean.
And I was like,
she's taking too long.
I was like,
can I just get in the shower with you?
And I was like,
that's too much.
Like I got up, but I'm like, but we would long I was like can I just get in the shower with you and I was like that's too much like I gotta put up like but we would have done that it was just so
much fun and um this trip in general at the nest in Tulum I I think it's going to be my best hotel
experience because it's I have to work through expectations and I'm honestly gonna probably have
like some spiritual great experience here being in nature uh noah okay so both of you had stories about
friends in hotel and mine is like just me alone in a hotel room um i was in dallas and i stayed
at the omni hotel and it had just opened that year so like the room was so clean and like
modern and the bathroom had a tv in the mirror. And I was like, this is the most luxurious thing.
And I didn't have to pay for it because it was on a work trip.
And I just felt like, wow, this is like luxury.
This is what the other half lives like.
Yes, that is definitely like when I think of best hotel experiences, it's just like you feel rich.
That's why I was disappointed in this place is because I go, why would someone pay an
amount of money that only a rich person could have to live like you're poor?
Yeah, people do that.
And it's not like you're living like you're...
People do that.
But people do do that.
Yeah, they pay extra.
And that's what they do here.
It's got to be shitty, but like classy shitty.
I don't...
Yeah, this place is like beautiful and designed minimally.
Minimalistly.
Like this is a place that someone would go
to have like a yoga retreat or meditation retreat
it's very minimal and very nice
like the linens are incredible the
the every little thing every
little thing that they've considered is perfectly
handcrafted picked out but
I just want I
want a magnifying mirror in the shower
or like in the bathroom I want
like a little sewing kit that I'm not going to use like I want those magnifying mirror in the shower or in the bathroom. I want a little sewing kit that I'm not going to use.
I want those things that make me feel like, oh, this is how the other half lives.
I guess just compare it to Augusta.
Just think about it.
You could be in Augusta, Georgia right now outside of Wendy's.
And you wish you were because that's where the golf thing is, right?
That is the golf.
Yeah, the Masters.
I go, why would anyone go to Augusta?
And they're like, oh, all they do here is that one racist kind of golf tournament.
Yeah, and then I watch on my phone while Brenna gets mad.
Yeah, well, Brenna tells you she loves you.
It's like, yeah, actually, we have said I love you, but Brenna said it,
and I've just been distracted by a teenager.
No, I said I love you back to a putter.
All right, final thought. Andrew, what's your weekend looking like when are you
headed back to st louis i'm going back wednesday uh today i'm going to ikea to pick up things for
brenna to put together a a drawer so that if that's not love i don't know what is uh and it's
45 minutes away so but that's going to be my day today. And I'm here for her.
That's really nice.
I can't wait to hear when you finally say I love you.
And it's probably not going to be after putting together something from Ikea.
So I'm going to push that projection to later.
What do you guys got today? Do you have like scheduled stuff?
Yeah, like horseback riding.
Today I set some intentions after breakfast we
had a really great breakfast where i went around the table and told all my favorite stories about
each person and it was really fun and was like noah brought that game that esther
burrell game um uh where should where should we begin that's gonna get us to tell fun stories
um we played this game called uh that is from
barstool sports and it's called like uh questions from the internet or something yeah you know that
game yeah yeah so last time i was in cabo with on a girl's trip i brought this game that i had just
done a barstool sports interview uh i'd done kfc radio and they were like here's this game and it's
just like would you rather questions but they don't think that women will ever play it because it's all like would you rather like make a cock-a-doodle-doo sound every
time you jizz or have to go to a feminist rally and it's like just all this like it's the kiss
game ever and the card today that i pulled oh yeah let me breakfast you're laughing so hard
what was it it was it? What was the first
part, though? It was something so stupid.
It was like, oh, would you rather...
It was
something about, would you rather...
Oh, would you rather...
Hold on.
Would you rather
never...
It was some dumb... Would you rather you rather oh a flock of geese
show up oh wait it was one of these cards hold on let me find it because it was truly i was like
would you rather have dick for teeth or teeth for a dick and it's like yes okay what and like
yeah because they try to be shocking but we don't get shocked by anything. So it's like, yeah, I'd rather fuck my mom on top of a Ferrari.
Is that what you want from me?
But this is the kiss whenever, and I'm going to leave you guys on this one.
Okay.
Okay.
Would you?
But you guys say it like this.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
I fucking hate.
And they have a little statistic at the bottom that says,
Barstool sports readers would say, blah, blah, blah.
Okay. It's called answer the internet. questions as fucked up as you are whoa and by the
way i love kfc radio and when i did send kevin clancy a video of us making fun of this game
and doing would you rather uh he was like i feel like you guys are making fun of it and i go
yeah would anyone not this is terrible so this is the would you rather
i love how that story went i thought he was gonna be like oh and i thought and kevin was cool about
it's like no he was like are you why are you making fun of it and i was like why aren't you
this is so dumb okay so this is barstool sports uh answer the internet okay Okay. Would you rather
A. Have to piss
sitting down for the rest of your
life or B.
Go
vegan.
Cuh!
Cuh!
Cuh!
Cuh!
Cuh!
And guess what?
97% of Barstool readers
Chose egg
Of course they did
Cause you love meat
And by the way women can't play this game
Because we do pee sitting down
And it's just like
It honestly doesn't even say this is only for men
They just don't even consider that women
Would want a fun card game or like play this game
Also every guy vegan
Doesn't even have a dick to pee out of because they don't eat fucking raw elk.
Yeah.
Fucking pussies.
Here's another one.
If you could fuck any girl you want for the rest of your life, but you can only ever watch women's sports, would you do it?
I mean, this is even cuter than the vegan one.
Oh, my God.
51% of Barstool readers said, no way.
Cut.
You guys, don't be cut out there.
I hope you enjoyed that.
By the way, I could do this for an hour.
I would love to.
I like this game.
I could do it for an hour.
It's the most fun game to make up.
Would you rather have to give a hug to Gloria Steinem or tell your mom that she means a lot to you?
Would you rather change a duvet cover like a little girl or drink a drink coconut
milk.
It's just like, kuh!
Alright guys, we gotta go. Send in your would you
rathers on the voice memo. We will laugh so hard
if you come up with kuh would you rathers.
Love you so much. We'll see you tomorrow from
Tulum and Chicago, respectively.
Not really respectively. I don't respect it.
And yeah.
I respect everything.
Not everything. Yeah, you definitely don't respect it. And yeah. Going hard. No, I respect everything. Not everything.
Yeah, that's not true.
Augusta.
Not at all.
Augusta, don't respect it.
All right.
Love you.
See you tomorrow, besties.
Don't be cut.
All the swells.
And the egg fruit.
The egg fruit.
Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,
and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears
with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.
Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,
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People, my people, what's up?
This is Questlove.
Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
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but, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
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Listen to Questlove Supreme
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What if you asked two different people the same set of questions?
Even if the questions are the same,
our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.
I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,
and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season.
We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,
including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.
Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Seven questions, limitless answers.
Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid.
Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF.
And me, Mandy B.
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Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.
Tune in and join the conversation.
Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app,
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I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best
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I've always been inspired by frustration.
It came back to my own personal pinpoint.
So we had to go out to farmers and convince them.
Following that curiosity is a superpower.
You have to be obsessed with the human condition.
Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.