The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #77 A Thousand Cut Offs

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Between you and Nikki, San Antonio rubbed off on her. Andrew is filling his girlfriend's side of the bed with popcorn now that she's gone. Nikki reflects on her her depression and cleanliness go hand in hand. In the news, getting electrocuted, Orcas are the incels of the sea and A-Rod's thirst trap. Everyone felt guilty over naming their bottom 1 couple but felt good naming the top. And in the Final Thought Nikki and Andrew talk about an elderly couple they saw at the airport. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cord usually invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf.

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Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes,

networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. Here's Nikki. Hey, everyone. Ooh, coming in hot. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Monday. Sorry, I'm a little bit husky today.

I blew out my vocal cords this weekend performing last week. Being on a trip with a bunch of girls where we talked all the time. Gotta start taking care of my voice, but not today. Not today. Gosh, so much to talk about noah great to see you again it's been a great it's been a minute we said goodbye on thursday yeah 5 45 5 45 in the morning on thursday morning in tulum mexico and then by god that was such a weird day. Woke up at 5am in our like, you know, chic tent and rolled my hundred pounds of luggage that I didn't even end up needing to bring. Everyone else brought like a dainty little suitcase, a carry on. I brought a hundred pounds,

50 pounds each, right under, right under 50 pounds by the way I my superpower I'm calling it right now um is being able to tell how much a suitcase weighs when it's um around 50 pounds now once we start dealing with like even my sister guest like was like how much does Arlo weigh with my niece and nephew and I picked them up and I compared them to suitcases because if you're a frequent traveler you know that you get it's so expensive if you go over 50 pounds it's 150 dollars per bag on top of the fees that you're already being charged if you go over 50 pounds so I am so good at getting in at like 49.5 and then it teeters on 50 and then you just switch scales because they're all different. But I had 100 pounds of stuff that I brought because I was supposed to go to L.A. after.

So I went from Tulum to San Antonio. Then I was supposed to go to L.A. Then I was supposed to go to Vegas. Then I was supposed to go back to L.A. Then I was supposed to go to Atlantic City, then maybe home, but everything got changed. I went to San Antonio. Um, first amazing shows, two shows on Friday night, loved getting into town the day before, even though I resented it at first because it was like, I could have stayed in Tulum an extra day with my girls. Got into town on Thursday. Went to a dance practice with Gleb.

Gleb Savchenko, my dance partner, flew into San Antonio too. We met him, Andrew, Anya, Matt, Pond, my tour manager, Jen, my assistant. We all went to a dance rehearsal as soon as I got in. And it was so fun. We learned a new dance to close out the show. It's like hard, but like also fun. We had the best time doing it. I'm just like, Gleb is just one of my great friends. We hung out that night all together.

Like we went out to dinner. We had a great time. And then I was able to just relax. I mean, I think my new thing is going to be getting into a town a day early, not to dance, but to just like experience the town. San Antonio, I really didn't want to like you as much as I did. I went to you before. Years ago, I worked some club there and had a depressing weekend because of my own state

of mind. Nothing to do with you. Maybe a little to do of my own state of mind. Nothing to do with you. Maybe a little to do with you. I mean, some of these clubs can be pretty sad. But I remember the Riverwalk, which is like the classic San Antonio thing. I remember seeing that on the Bachelorette or Bachelor, one of those, prior to going. And I was so excited to go. This is years and years ago when I was working that club. And I went to the club and I went to the river walk and it was like all homeless people it was really dirty there was like nothing it was just like sad and I was like what the fuck happened here and I thought it was going to be that way again and this time it was so filled with like

tourists which is not my jam but it was just like alive and beautiful. And I just, I loved it. I love San Antonio. It was a little like almost too crowded. Um, but it was a really, really good time just to like take in a city and be able to kind of write about the city a little bit, sit down and have like opinions and then on stage the next night, be able to like talk about their city a little bit, tell them that, you know, I used to like not think you guys were that cool. Well, I told them I was like, I always knew that I was coming to San Antonio for my first stop of my tour, official first stop. We did a casino, you know, a few weeks ago, but that didn't count. It was always San Antonio was the first date. And I guess a few months ago after that date had been booked I was at a secondhand store in

St. Louis and I bought a shirt that's like this cool like tie-dye tank top from the 80s that says San Antonio on it and I was like oh this will be great to wear I remember thinking oh I'll wear this shirt in San Antonio people will be excited I'm wearing their state their city on my shirt and then I like will never wear that shirt again because who cares about San Antonio right um just being honest but now I'm like obsessed with San Antonio I kind of would move there like it didn't feel it felt the same way Austin doesn't feel like Texas like it's Texas-y where they're like they're proud they're in Texas but they're not like we're the best we're the best music you know like DJ Cated of states um it just was like

there's a lot of homeless people but that were you know swinging on street signs and like very athletic a lot of them doing like crossfit around the San Antonio area that is not me being like homeless people suck and I hate homeless people like whenever you mention homeless people people like boo or go oh and it's like I can't deal with this like awing of subject matter that is uh politicized you know like I talked about homelessness in I had a joke when I was in LA that um you know I kind of want to get COVID so I can lose my sense of smell. So I don't have to, so I can like walk around. Or I said, you know, if you lose your sense of smell with COVID, it's like beneficial here in LA now because the streets are covered in human feces. And people go,

oh, and I'm like, that is not me being mad at homeless people. Do you understand that? How? And if you don't understand it, let me, I mean, I know you do understand it. I'm not going to talk down to you listening to this podcast. You get it. I'm just stating a fact. Of course, I'm exaggerating upon that fact, but there is human feces in the street. Does it mean that I think I'm better than homeless people because they're shitting on the street? No. If I were homeless, would I shit on the street? Of course. Could I be homeless if I wasn't born into a family that had generational wealth and mental illness that wasn't bad enough that I suffered greatly enough

to be, you know, whatever. The reason I'm not homeless is not because I'm better or because there's no elitist vibe of me talking about homeless people. It's calling out something that is in front of your face. And if you don't, same with molestation, same with rape, these subjects that are off limits. If you don't talk about them, then we're in denial. And if you don't make fun of them, which is a way of talking about them, then you're in denial. And if you don't make fun of them, which is a way of talking about them, then you're in denial.

And people go, well, you can talk about them, don't make fun of them. I'm not making fun of homeless people. They do shit in the street. I would, because they don't have anywhere else to go because we lock them out of bathrooms, public restrooms, and we make them buy Starbucks before they get the code. You know, this isn't me judging them. I love homeless

people more than unhomeless people. Honestly, they're incredibly brave. Um, uh, nothing breaks my heart more than a homeless woman, by the way, nothing. It just is like, uh, yeah, I, I have a lot of compassion for homeless people and I have a joke that I don't look at. Well, I'm, you know, what am I not even going to do that joke because it's it's so good I want to save it it was actually a joke that I did on Last Comic Standing season six forget which season I did the second time I did Last Comic Standing I did a joke about homelessness and Greg Giraldo said he was the judge at the time for the semifinals, and he said, that joke you made, you're an amazing joke writer. You can tell that you're a really good writer. And I will never forget that he said that.

I mean, I could forget it because they didn't air it, which is one of the most annoying things of my life was like, I got a compliment like that from my favorite comedic writer, and then they don't air it, and it's just me, my word against everyone else's. Or not everyone else's. Yeah, everyone's saying he didn't say that. No, it's just like I just remember he said that about that joke. So I'll use that joke on the road. Coming up, I'm in Atlantic City this weekend. Hope you can come out. I think they're Borgata. I've been there before and it, uh, you will, um, if you're bored, gotta come to my show. I was trying to do a Borgata

joke and it's just, you know, I should have just left it and moved on. The Borgata was actually the, um, club that, not club, but theater that I played where Andrew and I drove down from New York a few years ago. I can't believe I played it a few years ago. That was too big of a place for me. Now I think I might sell it out. But then we drove down there and I remember it was when he got a DM from someone that she heard him on a podcast and it made her puddle in her pants. And I said, Andrew, it's not because she's turned on, it's because she laughed so pants. And I said, Andrew, it's not because she's turned on. It's because she laughed so hard. And he said, no, it's because she was turned on.

And I was like, there's no way. And then we checked. And it was because she was turned on. And it grossed me out. And that is how Andrew became Puddle Boy. And that is why he also has a podcast named Puddles. And he has a tattoo that says Puddles on it. OK, I really got off on a tangent. Here's what I want to say. Noah, how good was our girls trip? How much,

I am so proud of the, I assembled a group of girls last week who did not all know each other. Noah did not know, she knew some of the girls, but not that well. Some of them, she didn't know at all. we, we just got a group of people to get, I'm like I say, I'm like a, uh, an executive producer of the view. I can get a group of girls together and I know the perfect combo to make.

Actually, we all got along. This, this view would not have worked. This would have been a bunch of, you know, what are we going to agree with each other and laugh? No,

there were no Megan McCain's. There were no, um, joy Bay. Is there, agree with each other and laugh no there were no megan mccain's there were no um joy bay is there is there a tv show with women who all just like get along oh wait f boy island oh my god wait a second you're right f boy island uh that is one of the things that everyone's saying um that's so nice yeah that the girls are on each other's sides and are there for each other and um including me as as the host it's the response for f boy island has been incredible i have read like two bad things about it and that's only because i was like on my twitter

mentions and like stuff gets through but it is like a tidal wave of nice things about F Boy Island text from people I haven't talked to in forever just everyone loves it and new episodes are coming out Thursday I can't wait for you to see the rest um Noah how what what are you feeling about the girls trip because you were about to say something to me before we started the show and I go no let's talk about that at the we started the show. And I go, no, let's talk about that at the top of the show. And then I talked just now for like 12 minutes and ruined whatever time. No,

no, no. I was reflecting on it and I was like, okay, what did I really, really love about this trip? Um, and what I love the most is that first of all,

yes, the best group, you definitely know how to assemble a good group of people but I felt like I was in high school like the way that we were making sounds and like noises and singing songs and like the things we were doing I hadn't acted like that with a group of friends since literally high school since 12th grade grade. That makes me so happy. And it just felt so good. Because those girls are my, like, high school friends. And we have not matured beyond that point with our friendship.

I mean, we have because we talk about, like, real stuff. But we also mix in the dumbest things ever. As I, you know, it was, I'm so glad you were a part of it. And yesterday, we are all on this WhatsApp chat right now. And it's so freaking fun. We were going nuts on it yesterday. I literally looked at my phone at one point. I took an hour nap. I looked at my phone afterwards 63 missed messages 63 I and usually you see that number and you just go oh but instead I was like yes because there was like all these voice memos to listen to Noah we've been doing a parody of the song one thing I don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard to try we've been doing that song about about everything. So, you know, I think I mentioned it

last week, but it started with how rustic the stay was at the nest. And it would be like, one thing, the shower doesn't have a door. When you take a shower, you look like a whore. All right. Like it was like one thing. Oh, we have. So, okay. Some of the lights, the sconces are made of. Everything was made of wicker at this place. There were wicker sconces.

And I think I made one that was like one thing. Wait, wait. It was one thing. You better like our wicker sconce and if you want to check out you don't have a chance you've already prepaid it was just like we were just I mean none of this is that good right now I'm my brain is mush but it was we were just being so silly and everyone hated us around us even though we weren't drunk um but we were drunk on friendship um and then I went and the beauty was I spent this like amazing five days with all these girls from all different walks of my life and honestly besties I wish you were there because um a lot of the people that I meet

through this show in my dms and who give me letters that, you know, I get passed on to me backstage because I had to cancel my meet and greet in San Antonio because the Delta virus is like raging and I just don't want to cancel dates because I get it from someone or, you know, I don't know. I just felt that I that had to happen. But some of your letters got to me and just and just your dms and I just have to say like you are with us you're with me in those moments like I know you would fit in with this group and like laugh at all of our jokes and I wish we could bring you along in some way and that's what I do on this podcast is like hope to bring you along because if you listen to this podcast regularly and you feel like you're my friend just want you know you are and you you would be if we got a chance to meet.

But you really are. And I hope we do get to meet someday when there isn't a virus sweeping through the nation. And then I wanted to say that I landed in San Antonio and no one from my trip was with me. I'm meeting up with Andrew, Jen, my assistant, Jen, my assistant and friend and tour manager Anya Matt and Gleb and it was like this whole other group I had assembled of friends

that was like also so like kind and funny and just all working together for the same like we were all just it it was a stressful weekend. We had two shows. We were doing a lot of new stuff. We have great new merch that I'm so excited about. We were giving away condoms, stickers. We had a sign that everyone could sign like it was a yearbook.

I read all these people that wrote these amazing notes. Some girl said she got sober because of me and like other people were like, you're beautiful and we believe in you like some people just knew I needed to like hear a pick me up and then the shows themselves were great like I felt of course really nervous about my material being like I don't have enough um I haven't worked on it enough and I just have to keep remembering that and I hope that you can remember this too in your life

because it's something that kind of, I didn't realize it until later. If you're someone who is in a profession that you've been at for more than five years, let's just say any amount of time. No, let me go five years or more. Let's say you've been doing something five years or more and if you've been doing it 10 years or more,

definitely listen up. And let's say that this job that you're doing has a big moment coming up like okay let's for instance like I'm a stand-up comedian I've been doing this job forever I have a big moment coming up a stand-up tour I'm so nervous about the stand-up tour even though I've been doing stand-up for 17 plus maybe 18 years now at this point I forget when I'm supposed to make that go up a year, but I've been saying 17 for about two years now. So maybe it's 19. When you reach that point, I still get nervous about these shows because, oh, I haven't done standup in a while and I'm used to doing it every night. I've done the work. So if you are someone that's been in the business for 10 years plus, five years plus, and you worked your tail off and now you're, you're kind of like

being easier on yourself. You don't work as hard at your job. You don't do it every night. You don't do it every day. You're kind of being more lax with it. And you've got something, a big presentation coming up. And usually your first year in, you would have been practicing every day. And now you look at yourself now and you're like, I'm not practicing every day. I'm just going to wing it. What am I doing? I'm not as good as I used to be. No, you are. You've done the work. You've been doing it long enough that you don't need to do the same amount of work you did first year in. Maybe you need to hear that.

I need to hear that literally every single time I go on stage. I need to remember that I've done the work. Let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little

overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet.

And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports,

new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut,

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and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions?

We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How-To Season starts January 1st.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously

both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Hey, Nick. Hey. How's it going? Hey, Andrew. Hey, Nick. How's it going? How'd you sleep last night, buddy boy? Oh, I was rolling around, didn't I? I had the midnight shits again.

What? Well, maybe it's because you ate a vegan pizza at midnight. No? I don't, I might have been. When I went to bed, there was no pizza in the trash. And then when I woke up, there was a pizza in the trash. Yeah. I mean, I ate a late night pizza because your boy played golf for about seven and a half hours yesterday because my girlfriend left me for Chicago. So I'm all alone.

So I tried to take it out on these little white golf balls. I love that you are putting, even though you were playing that much golf before she left. No, it's her fault. It's her fault. She left me and all I have left is my nine iron and my eight iron and seven. No, now it makes it seem like,

oh, I'm just doing it because I'm so in love. That's why I'm playing golf is I love, I love my girlfriend so much. It's a nice little excuse to have, but you played for seven and a half hours yesterday. Yeah, you were gone all day yesterday, which was great because I played guitar for like seven and a half hours too. So, you know. I mean, I'm addicted. But yeah, so I watched Ted Lasso last night.

My girlfriend didn't move. So I have the whole bed to myself. So I have one side for popcorn crumbs and one side for me. I have so much. I was so tired last night. I was sleeping on top of popcorn. I could feel it pop again under the heat of my body. And I didn't move i didn't get i'm so fucking lazy about certain things where i just dude your laziness like knows no bounds it's like

it's one of the most incredible things i've ever witnessed is the amount of laziness the littlest thing that you could do to improve your comfort by exponentially improve your comfort you will not do because it will it will take one arm swing of like scraping the popcorn onto the floor you know how many times i haven't charged my phone because i just don't want to reach for the charger. And then I wake up with a dead phone. And then I'll maybe oversleep something that might be important. Thousands. Thousands of times.

How did you sleep? I mean, you're, you know. It's so interesting. It's interesting to me that you know this, like, about yourself. Because I'm the same way of like I in my waking hours I can look back on behavior and go it's so ridiculous that I couldn't do that one thing that would improve my life so much let's like let's say it's like oh you know what today there was a cardigan my this brand new cardigan I got laying on the floor of my room and I just decided to hang it up because

I go oh that's like the littlest thing you can do and like that will make you feel so much better than seeing it on the floor and it's like little things like that if I did that for everything I remember my therapist saying if it takes less than 15 seconds do it you know what I mean like if it takes if it's gonna take you less than 15 seconds to wash that dish, throw away that piece of whatever. Like, just do it. And it's hard to do, though. I mean, when you – does it go through your head when you are – your phone's about to die and you know you could plug it in?

Like, what goes through your head to not plug it in? I mean, what's going through my mind is I just got comfortable. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep. So I'm, like, rolling around in different positions. I do got comfortable. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep. So I'm like rolling around in different positions. I do the side. I do the on the stomach, crumbled my arms, the T-Rex. I never try to sleep on my back. And so when I finally get in a position to sleep,

the last thing I want to do is move even three feet to put my charger on. Right. So then I have a dilemma and that dilemma is do i wake up and now have to try to go back to bed or do i let my phone go to sleep right and i choose me over my phone and this is the. And this is the same brain. This is the same logic where you don't brush popcorn crumbs, even though they are stabbing you in the stomach and are going to leave dents in your belly. And you're going to wake up with popcorn kernels in your chest hair and pubic region.

There's the same reason like your your comfort while sleeping will be improved greatly but you just don't want to move I mean here's the thing but you also spend seven and a half hours playing golf so like where I guess you're just not prioritizing sleep or comfort well I don't always sleep with crumbs in my bed um I would say you probably 40 percent of your life has been no way that's so that's's a gross exaggeration. Okay, so 53%. I know I was going under for you. Yeah, you're way under.

It's closer to probably 98%. I actually sleep on a large popcorn and I get mad because the bed gets in the way. I like that you actually sleep on a bag of popcorn, and throughout the night it pops. And then you end up using it as a pillow when it gets big enough. I don't know what it is. I think once we get in bed, I just shut off to any kind of activity. It's like, I'm done. I almost want to challenge what level of discomfort would make you get up and go, nope, not today.

Dude, in college, you want to know something crazy? My friends, they challenged me by putting sardines under my mattress. Yes. And I just slept. A joke was on them because your boy never. I guess I couldn't smell them. Did you smell them? I don't know.

You were so depressed that you were just not checked in. I mean, this is the thing. A lot of people are listening to us right now and maybe feeling like, I have lived in filth and squalor when my mental health was not the best. And this was yesterday you know like I have there have been times where when you're not when you know it's amazing what a depressed person or someone who doesn't have self-esteem can put up with when you know when when you're suffering like that like you just of course you don't care about what you're sleeping on because you don't care about how you look. You don't care about anything.

You kind of want to die. So why would you care if, you know, you're sleeping on crumbs or not? And I'm not trying to say that you want to die or anything, but when I've been depressed, it's like, that's what, when I got home yesterday, I was so freaking depressed. And it was, or two days ago when we got home, so depressed. And I just realized it was so much to do with, first of all, men disappointing me, the men in my life disappointing me, but also my house being a mess and like my room being disorganized and me having a hundred pounds of uh just disgusting clothing that's just all piled in like i get embarrassed that the tsa might go through my luggage because of what they will see that's what how i feel sometimes is like i don't want them to go through it not because i'm like

i'm scared they're gonna steal stuff i'm scared they're gonna see like what a mess i am they're like lady judge me blindly they're like lady do you have a bomb in here and you're like it's it is a bomb it's like whatever my mom would always go looks like a bomb went off yeah yeah no i mean it already detonated last night what um i i don't i'm not that depressed right now sometimes i could be in such a good mood where i won't do anything yeah also i don't notice my father was like this too he was an extremely hard worker working like 100 hour weeks you know not talking to his kids like he could do it all yes and uh and i'm sure he was not depressed that doesn't sound like someone who's depressed at all no no not at all but he was able

to i'm being facetious by the way i know i know but his office was an absolute disaster for a doctor his i just think there's no way of avoiding it if you are okay with having a really messy space even if you're a messy person depression is playing a role and people and i'm someone who can live in a pretty messy space, but there's levels of messiness. And you can't tell me someone likes themselves and likes their life if they're living in something that looks like the after effects of a natural disaster. You just can't, it's just no way around it. Like I always, you know, a lot of, like I was crying this weekend when I was in Tulum or last week because first of all, I was about to start my period, which I didn't see coming because I got it two weeks ago. And I don't know why I was starting again, but I have PMDD, which is premenstrual depressive disorder.

So I get like really, really, really sad. I was around a bunch of girls that are just like very neat and clean and tidy and just have nice clothes and everything's folded well. And I have this like fear that I'm just gross and all of my stuff is gross. And I have all these bad thoughts about myself when I'm going through these feelings. But I was sobbing and I was just like, why can't my suitcase look like Kirsten's? And Kirsten's is in the corner, just like perfectly folded. And she's like, no, I have stuff all over the place. And I'm like, that's because you're drying it out. All of my wet things are like in sopping corners of the room, like just in piles, whereas yours are like spread out on the floor.

And you can tell me that that's your stuff all over the place, but you were consciously doing that to dry it out. And then Sarah Lena started going through my bag being like, girl, I'll put together outfits for you. And I'm like, no, I hate all of my clothes. My clothes are disgusting. Everything I own, even if it's nice, it gets disgusting. And it's just like, I was just having these inherent, like when I get depressed, I just feel like everything about me is gross.

And anything that anyone thinks is good about me. That's why I was really struggling last week with FBoy coming out because I was getting so many comments of like, you look so beautiful. And like, oh my God, you are stunning. And I'm just like, I've never felt, I just feel like a fraud. Like that was all spray tan and, um, you know, camera angles and makeup. And it really, I am just like so disgusting and and uh Sarah Lena was going through my bag being like if these clothes are cute and I'm like it's all just and then Robin offered to like fold my stuff for me before I went to San Antonio and I was like no because it will just it I just don't

keep things folded I don't know how people go through a folded luggage and just go oh I'm gonna take this shirt and not like mess it up I I just don't understand it. I just wish I had a different brain sometimes, but I have the brain of someone that is able to put together a trip with a bunch of girls who have all clean stuff. And, and, you know, maybe they couldn't do that because they're busy folding. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I think, I don't know, sometimes I feel like we value folding or, yeah, they're little things. We do. Huh? We value, like, folding and cleanliness and organization more than anything.

Like doing an hour special. Yeah. And then on top of that, 40 podcasts. On top of that, a TV show. On top of that, writing, on top of that, a TV show, on top of that writing a TV show. Yeah. Maybe you're just not meant to fold or at least be easy on yourself. Like I woke up this morning.

I'm like, I do have to clean my room. I am. I'm going to clean my room the next two days, but maybe I'll do it slowly and I'll be okay with it. Yeah. I said, you know, yesterday I woke up, I was so tired, so depressed, like just wreck. My bed, I just felt gross in my sheets. They just felt dirty and stretched out from sweat and just filth. Me sleeping 14 hours when I got home. I just resolved. I go, you know what? You need to do so much today, but if you just change your sheets and duvet, you've done enough. That's all you need to do. First step. And so I changed my duvet.

Changing a duvet is like a marathon when you're depressed. It is exhausting. It takes like 20 minutes to do a duvet. I'm so sick of duvets. There's got to be a better way. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. I hope you had a great weekend out there. Had all the swells. I'll tell you what, me and Nikki sure did doing shows in San Antonio. A lot of laughs out there, huh, Nick? So many swells out there. So many besties in the crowd. There really was.

It was amazing. Weber County, Utah, sees an increase in people hammocking on power lines. I've heard about a lot of ledge heads. I didn't click on it. A lot of it's like using the power lines as a hammock. Yeah, it's like the the structure that holds the power lines. But the watts, it carries up to 75000 kilovolts. So, yeah, I mean, and the power lines but the watts it carries up to 75 000 kilovolts so yeah i mean and the power could jump the lines these people are hammocking up there they're

hanging out i mean power lines scare me so much you know like the third like the third rail on like a subway like that scares me more than falling down on the tracks i'm like i gotta stay away from the third rail it's like you're nowhere near the third rail also been electrocuted um hmm nothing that i can really think of have you all right um no but for some reason i really want to electrocute you just a little bit now like i just i feel like everyone needs to get electrocuted a little bit to learn that like okay you're because yes you should be scared of the third rail but like also um trains are also like that's you should also be more scared of maybe getting hit by a train i don't know if that's you know what it is you know what it is what happened what i saw uh i have ptsd from this

i believe what's your ptsd from i saw a man on a sailboat yes uh and he was driving it across the street and he hit the line with the boat and he died he got what wait you saw a man on a sailboat driving across the street? That's what I heard. This is a true story. That's a true story in Florida. I bet you we could Google it. A man on a sailboat was driving. I guess he was either trailing it behind his truck or whatever, or pushing his sail.

I'm telling you, I know it sounds crazy, a sailboat on land, but he hit the line with the sailboat shaft or whatever. Oh yeah. And he, and he got electrocuted and died. I didn't see the explosion. His like skeleton. Oh yeah. He was going, he was laughing while he died.

Um, no being electrocuted fucking sucks. I'm trying to think. I mean, I've definitely felt, you know, where you just get zapped by just your plug in something. And like, I've definitely had moments where it's like, whoa, boy, that did not feel good. And it was the weirdest. We should get a taser. Maybe we get a taser and tase each other no i'm not i'm not someone who would ever sign up for that you know when they go into like police

academy and they have to get tased to like see what it's like you just see like videos like that i'm always like nope that would make i would just throw all my training out the window i'd go nope i don't want to be tased maybe they should get shot to see what it's like instead of just tased maybe then they would learn um i i mean i almost made that joke too uh but then i didn't because i just didn't want it to get uh i just i waited for you to do it uh yeah at least have a sense of humor no they um they i've never been tased i've've never been, yeah, it would be, it would be an awful way to go. I, I do know that people are scared of getting struck by lightning in ways that I'm not, like I'm going to try to say this story without laughing, but she was my PE teacher. She was a lesbian.

She was the only lesbian I knew. And then she was outside at a soccer game. It wasn't even storming out yet. The storm was like, from what I heard, you know, a few sailboats away. You know what I mean? Right. And there wasn't even like lightning in like the vicinity. And then boom, she just got hit with a lightning bolt, dead.

And why would you laugh about any of this? Because when we were kids, we'd be like, oh, you know, she went up in flames because she's a flamer. You know, like there was a lot of like up in flames because she's a flamer. You know, like there was a lot of like lesbian. Oh, there's so much homophobia around it. Yeah, back in the day. And I mean, it's just, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it was weird.

Now you know no lesbians because she died and she was the only one you knew, right? That's where it ended. Yes. That's where it stopped. Well, and I'm sure she was the only one you knew at that time, too. Yes. Yes. Yeah. No, it it was extremely sad i loved her so much uh she was not like it was just understood like all of our gym teachers were not out but we all just assumed they were gay i mean noah did you have a lesbian gym teachers i did she was was my gym teacher and the hygiene

teacher where she taught us about our bodies and stuff. Wait, hygiene teacher? Is that what they called her? Well, they called the class hygiene. I think that's why we are the way we are. We didn't have a hygiene teacher.

You took a class called hygiene. I love that though. We have a, yeah. Yeah, that's a very important class. That and a credit card debt. That's so weird. We all had lesbian gym teachers. I mean, that just seems like such an American stereotype, you know? But really

mine, both two of mine were in fact confirmed lesbians later on you know we assumed at the time because they had short hair and like kind of talked more like masculine and yeah were but wore track suits yeah and but they turned out to be that's just like so crazy that they yeah and then they oh they were they loved wearing deodorant and showering it was just like a real thing um no crumbs on their bed that's so interesting though that we all had lesbian uh gym teachers i mean it's yeah it's very cliche

it seems like it's like i need a hygiene coach yeah let's get her in here you can do it you have go go one more swipe of that deodorant two is not enough you're using the natural stuff now I need a hygiene coach. Yeah, let's get her in here. You can do it. Go, go. One more swipe of that deodorant. Two is not enough. You're using the natural stuff now. You used to be able to do two with degree, but now you don't use aluminum, so now you're going to have to do five swipes.

How many swipes of deodorant do you use? I mean, I've been doing this. I go up and down, and that's it. I've been doing the spray. One, two? Oh, you do spray. Okay, so you're killing the world and your, and that's it. I've been doing the spray. One, two. Oh, you do spray. Okay, so you're killing the world and your pits at the same time. I switched over to natural. With my pits.

No, wait. You got me into that native brand. Yeah, we use the same deodorant I noticed on our trip. It's so good. Same flavor. Yeah, it's really good, and it makes me feel like I'm not giving myself breast cancer through my pits because your pits are so absorbent and you like your thyroids right there like your pits we got to watch what we put in there we just blindly like do things that are just terrible for us i was i was looking on reddit yesterday and there was in 1938 there was a thing

called um it was called like fake snow for people who live probably in southern climates that didn't get snow at christmas and it was called fake snow and you could buy it and it was on the package it says 100 asbestos and it was just snow and like i mean it's it's absurd Yeah, when I was a kid, we used black mold. It was pretty fun to play in. Yeah, it's so absurd. These ledge heads. It's a whole thing. I saw another thing on Reddit where a girl was a ledge head,

and she is at this place that is a pretty famous place to take pictures. It's like a waterfall, but you get tethered. Your foot gets tethered so you can hang off the edge of it lay down off the edge of it and it's like you know a 500 foot plummet to your death and i'm like i would not i don't trust any tethering i don't trust i mean i wouldn't go but there was a swing there was a swing in like uh like, in Russia. And the swing went off the cliff, like 1,000 feet in the air. And they weren't even strapped in. It was just like your regular play swing. And it broke.

Some people don't have that part of their brain. And yes, once in a while they break. The thing is, it is rare that people die of bungee jumping or skydiving. All of these things, you probably have more of a chance of dying crossing the street, statistically. But why? It's just not worth it to me. But I was thinking about, and I've said this before on the podcast, but I really do think that some people just don't have that chip in their head that says don't do this you know they're like I can't even look over the edge of my we're on the 12th floor in our building and I have trouble

looking down at the pool to spy on people who are down there because I get so vertigo-y and there's a window protecting me yet there's are some people that would, you know, free climb and stuff. And I also, I don't have, and yet there are some people that would never get up in front of a group of people and talk. And, like, we, thankfully, we don't have that. How about this? If you're a listener and you're a ledgehead, like, you love extreme sports, tell us why you do it. What's there to gain? how high is the high like we we just want to know everything a ledge head like feels well is it like shoplifting like when i used to shoplift it was so obviously it's illegal it was so thrilling when i did it

and it was like imagine doing it on a cliff i mean if they put a fucking Forever 21 in Kazakhstan, and I was... Hopefully the tether wouldn't be made with the same fabric that Forever 21 clothes are made with, because it wouldn't survive one use. It would only be good for one use, and people would be like, where'd you get that tether from? And I'd be like, Forever 21.

And then if I wore it one more time,'d be like you need to donate that because it looks like you're um shitting on the ma'am you did not wear that tank top when you repelled into here uh yeah i did uh i mean i think it's the same thing i think it's the same um joy that you get from i wonder if the the joy comes after you complete the thing that's scary like during it are you feeling scared my my um my neph or my uh brother-in-law is a ledge head he does these things called 14ers in colorado where he traverses these traverses and i think that's why they're called traverses because what you do on them and um and he myriad and he is like every time he does it and leaves to go do these things i go

you have a family you can't do this i don't want to take care of your fucking kids you got to stay alive i don't want to help out lauren when you fall to your death your untimely death um and i i can't uh not yet don't wait till your kids are old enough and i like like being around them more um and then you can go and die but it's like i just i maybe i should talk to matt and ask him why he's a ledgehead because he is one and i don't get it um but i'm maybe i'm not meant to get it and thank god i don't uh next story yeah those guys in the bat suits have you ever seen those guys that jump out and they they want to get as low to the ground as possible or they try to go underneath the bridge and they hit the bridge like three of them or they all die because it's not one of those videos is guaranteed that the person lived i'll

watch it but if it's like one of those where it's like, there's this Reddit. There's a subreddit called no, no, no, no, no, yes. And there's a subreddit called no, no, no, no, no, no. And I think it's whenever I see a subreddit, I'm not subscribed to no, no, no, no, no, because that means they're going to die. But the no, no, no, no, no, yes is great because you go no, no, no, no, no, no. And it's like, it's a lot of those ledge heads moments. Yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes is great because you go, no, no, no, no, no, no. And it's like, it's a lot of those ledge heads moments. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, no. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, yes. Yeah, it's also videos of me having a- Getting chained up, yeah. All right. Okay, a 20-foot orca who was stranded on rocks off of an Alaska shore was rescued- Orcas are such bastards.

By good Samaritans who poured water over it for six hours and protected it from birds until the tide came in. So it could swim away. So these people saw it beached, essentially, on rocks, and they poured water all over it for six hours to save it. I would do that. That would make me feel so good

to be next to a whale for six hours pouring water on it like that is literally if that could be a job to sit with beach whales and water them until the tide comes in i would quit everything and do it oh see orcas i love them because they're beautiful um because the tide came in and then it like flew up. It was probably chasing. You know what? These little things are such bastards. It's probably shoplifting.

With the seals. This motherfucker. I'm not even kidding you. Orcas are such bastards. They're like crows. You know what I mean? Like they're just little, they're pieces of shit. I was watching on, I mean, I'm sorry I've referenced Reddit a million times.

It's literally like my only outlet to the outside world. There was a video of an orca the other day that just wanted to, it was going by a stingray. It was just like swimming by a stingray. The stingray was just like minding its own business. And it just used its tail to just like flip, to hit the stingray and like push it into the air for no reason just to be like fuck you stingray wasn't trying to eat it wasn't trying to fight for food against it it was passively walking going the stingray was just minding its own and these orcas hunt baby whales orcas eat their own orcas killer whales literally get the name name be they're one of the only animals i

think that actually have the right name for it. You know, like sometimes animals have a name and you're like, Oh, that doesn't represent what it does at all. And it makes people scared of it. Um,

orcas are like such bastards. They're, they're pieces of shit. They're like incels of the sea. They're just, they have grudges against every animal. They just, they,

they're awful. And they look like so happy. Like they're, and they're like free Willy, but they're they they're awful and they look like so happy like they're and they're like free willy but they're they're awful and i love them because every animal deserves to live and is sweet but those are really like they're bastards and i um have you ever seen the videos of them tossing the sea lions before they kill it or the seals they just they just you know what you know how bored that it must be out there they don't have tiktok they don't have any phones yeah that's it you're gonna throw a stingray like i gotta get these orcas some phones that's really what it's about get them a tablet um no these these things are just so they're beautiful the thing about work

did anyone else used to be terrified of swimming pools because of the black stripe at the bottom that would resemble against the white an orca, a killer whale? No. See, I think I'm not the only one. The black stripe in a swimming pool, you know, ones where people are competing, would look like a long orca. And I used to be very scared of sharks and orcas being in um the the pool even though you ever do the thing where uh you would at like when you would swim at night the light in your pool you would swim to it like you were going through like a tunnel like or like to the other side do you ever go underneath to escape your life yeah and yeah your

crumb bed yeah yeah did you ever do that though no I pretended I was a mermaid and would um you know underneath the water you like kind of forget it all that's why I loved swimming um competitively one of the things I miss about it when I have gone back in and like done laps for exercise I was doing laps for like a couple months of my life recently. And it was the first time I had swam in over a decade, you know, maybe two decades since high school. I was swimming competitively this last time. But there's no chance to be on your phone. You know, they found ways to like you can listen to music, but it just never sounds good.

When you really are swimming, like you can't hear anything except like your own breathing and like the the rhythm of your breathing and the rhythm of your strokes and it's so meditative and I forgot that like I used to work out so many things mentally during practice when you'd have to do like 40 laps because you have nowhere else to go except can't listen to music you just like think And I think that there's something beautiful about the fact that it's one sport where you really can't, um, you can't be, uh, you can't listen to music or do whatever when you're golfing. Do you get meditative? One thousand percent. Yeah. I don't think that you just thousand percent isn't, isn't a person a person it's a hundred percent and we can just stick with that ten thousand percent easily ten thousand hours

it's all hours based on a percentage um i used to say a hundred percent so much when we first started hanging out and i called you on it it was so funny because like it's a filler it's a filler thing when you're nervous i think you go 100 100 100 and then i you started noticing that you did it and so you would go uh-huh uh-huh wait what else right huh huh wait huh it was huh instead of saying what you go huh and it was just the it was the lazy way of saying what um okay so yes a thousand percent you meditate when you go that yeah because anything you have to do repetitively that that that i think is meditative right like i think you know your swing when no you can't talk to anyone and when there's

nothing else going in your ear hole really except when you're when you're just focusing on your i don't know but swimming swimming i couldn't i like i could do golf because there's at least a little bit of you know um you know action or energy around me whenever i swim and i try to swim laps i'm like i'm gonna be a swim like I it my ADD brain it's fucking exhausting yeah swimming is hard as shit Katie Ledecky god damn it that bitch she was she is I think Ledecky I think is how you yeah I don't even know she is if you watch her stroke I was watching her freestyle she barely is kicking her legs you always think that it's all kick but she's doing like a kind of like

a it's just it made me want to start swimming again because i'm like wow there's like these tricks to it like you were talking about your golf swing like you can just unlock a thing by trying a i don't know it just made me very intrigued and then i was also busting up butterfly last week and it felt pretty fucking good in the pool yeah but the butterfly is like the opposite of like no one's butterflying 10 000 meters or whatever no i know well what's crazy about her is she has to figure out how the wow conserving energy because she swims so far so i'm sure leg kicks like you have to find a certain rhythm to to go so far it's like incredible you know because you're like you're not you can't sprint you have to figure out speaking of olympics sorry to cut you

off but no no worries literally i'm gonna say sorry to cut you off for every time i've cut you off in the past 100 episodes but um 100 a thousand cutoffs um i simone biles i did not even like for whatever reason i was in tulum when that happened i missed out on the whole damn thing I am I think I am more impressed by her dropping out of the Olympics than I am of her doing literally anything else she's done and that is not to say that everything else she's done is she's the best gymnast like that's ever competed I think but I think her most impressive move and the one that everyone will try to recreate and no one will be able to is dropping out of the fucking Olympics because you're depressed or anxious. That's what happened, right? Yeah.

So she, yeah, she got depressed. She, you know, she does a lot of spins. She got really afraid of doing spins. Or twisties, yeah. That's what they said, that she got the twisties, which I guess is the, you know, it's almost like the yips of... Yeah, and look, if you fuck up and you're doing a two and a half spin, you land on your neck, you're dead. Like, it's not like any other sport.

I also heard that Japan does not allow ADD medication, and she has ADD, she takes Ritalin for it, and she wasn't ableD she takes Ritalin for it and she wasn't able to take her Ritalin in Japan and so it made her super more anxious and they said it was like a you know it's not even like a a drug you can't use in the Olympics like she got like a pass to use it because she's been on it people are saying she's a quitter and shit. And I was just like, I wrote a thing on Instagram. I saw you wrote that and I zipped past it. Yeah, you zipped right past it. But yeah, it's fine.

It was a lot of work. I pulled a Ledecky and I just kicked on past it. No, but I got the gist, which is like, I just, I don't think who, I get that like Piers Morgan and some like a couple angry incels and killer whales out there are like saying rude shit about her. But overall, I don't know. I really needed – I needed that example of someone who – because I'm feeling a little bit Simone Biles recently of like I have too much going on. And it seems like, oh my god, I can't not do all of this stuff I have going on. I can't possibly quit one of these things because they all, people are counting on me for them. There's money invested.

And it's like, but also, or, or, you know, I get asked to do something else. Let's say I get asked to do, for me, F boy Island was the, is a gold medal of my career, right? Like it took me 18 years to even get offered to do something like that. I nailed it. Gold medal. Everyone loves it. I'm the best review I got as a reality show host was you're never annoying. That was given to me by, um, one of the journalists I interviewed with said, you know, you're just never annoying. And I was like, that's the best fucking, she she was that's the best compliment i can give a reality host but i was thinking about it nailed it at what point do you just say i don't need another gold medal like she's already won gold so like to drop out of the olympics is insane right like we not insane but we're all like oh my god how

could you do that she's already been to the olympics and when when she is you know when uh 50 years from now or like you know 60 70 years from now when she is maybe approaching the end of her life and we celebrate her are people really going to celebrate her less because she has won less all around gold medal and it's like at what point do you just stop accumulating gold medals like i don't like tom hanks because he won not or he's been in nine movies i love as opposed to eight like when do you i don't know i'm just saying that simone biles for me is like a hero i'm gonna have posters on my wall of her dropping out of the olympics because i think that's the first sitting on a therapy chair yeah yeah i think it's the most brave thing you can do to be at the top of your game, the best, representing America, having all this pressure on you.

And then to say, you know what? I'm putting my self-care above all of that because guess what? You're not going to get me for the next Olympics or even the next year if you make me do this Olympics. So is it worth it for me to do this Olympics that I might kill myself over it? And it just it was it was weirdly what I needed to hear about at this point in my life when I'm feeling a little bit exhausted and overwhelmed with all the things I have. And realizing like more things are not going to necessarily make me happy. And I've already I've already won the gold. I've already won the gold with this podcast.

This is a gold that I'm constantly getting to do. So why keep getting more gold? So more people like me? It's just like, I don't know. Because you're a ledge head for that stuff. I am a ledge head for having a busy schedule. Let's get to Why Do I Care? 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because

you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500.

Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career. We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it.

Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose.

We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport.

And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it. And there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul.

The movie is The Apprentice, and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously. Both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast seriously if someone can give me a poster of Simone Biles dropping out of the Olympics somehow represent that on a poster I will hang it in my room if you if anyone if one of our besties wants to do a artistic representation of Simone

Biles not doing make a trophy make a trophy no I want a poster of it I want like you know the same posters that are like you know perseverance and it shows a girl doing the butterfly or it's like you know Simone doing a flip I want it to be like quitting because quitting is so powerful I love a green Why do I care? All right. Alex Rodriguez posts a thirst trap from his birthday trip and captions it. One or two. Which suits you? And it's him in a bathing suit and then him in a dress suit. This is so funny because A-Rod, I really feel for him.

He is watching J-Lo just like make out with her ex-boyfriend, who he obviously knew everything about when they were together. I'm sure he was annoyed. They were right next to each other. They were on the same trip. They were in the same vicinity there. Was that the yacht behind him that they were on? That's what someone said. That's what someone said.

Okay, so he's standing in the shower. And by the way, his face looks so pained in that picture. Look his face you guys you've got a lot of filler i think go look at oh yeah for sure go look at a rod's face when he's underneath the shower it's so funny he looks anguished he's not even like in the water when i look at my schedule every day every day i wake up and i look at how many podcasts i have to do. Not this one because I always love it. That's Simone's face when you're like, you're going to have to do nine McTwisties today. And she's like, I'm A-Rodding. You got to look at it.

So I feel for A-Rod. I know that he's a confused guy and he DM'd that one woman and then blamed it on his kids and stuff. But I feel for him having to see his ex-girlfriend who he reportedly cheated on but i don't know i don't know what to believe i just the j-lo thing i guess why do i care i care because i feel for a guy who's has to deal with breakup in the spotlight right yeah i mean he'll be okay i'm sure he was fucking like nine supermodels that night and you know what that doesn't make me feel like he's okay like when people go no he's fine he's hot he gets a lot of ass like if we know anything andrew ass does not make you happy

i don't know the kind of ass a-rod's getting boy on a yacht leaves and then you got to get more ass it's it's a drug ass is a drug yeah sex is a drug for sure which is why i'm not doing it thank freaking god because of simone biles simone simone i i mean i i think that i'm gonna try to work this into my act of like how she's my hero because she quit. I remember I quit guitar. No, I quit saxophone when I was in fourth grade. That's such a different kind of instrument to quit, by the way. Well, I quit a lot of things. Me too.

I did two guitar lessons when I was a kid and quit. I played saxophone in fourth grade. Just picturing you like Lisaisa simpson like oh my god i know and i was so bad at it and i remember my teacher just being so disappointed in me and i remember i wrote my dad i knew my dad was going to be so disappointed in me because he wanted me to be musical so badly so i remember writing him a letter which i'd never done before and i was in fourth grade and I just wrote him I was like dad I know you took me to Mel Bay music and you got me this you rented me this saxophone and when you

bought me the reeds and you bought me all the things but I just don't like it and I'm not good at it and I really don't want to do it anymore and I have to quit and I'm so and I remember putting it on his pillow and him being like it's okay Nikki like he was very moved by it, but I was so scared to tell him I was quitting a musical instrument. And I remember then he was like, okay, then play guitar. And so I was like, okay, yes, this'll be it. And then that didn't really, like, I didn't like that. And I had to quit that. Like I've quit so many things in my life

and thank God I did because it freed me up to do the things I love. But I think that quitting just gets such a bad rap, especially marriages. You know, when people get divorced, you're giving up. I, you know, you've heard me say this before, but when someone tells me they've been divorced, I say, congratulations, that is not easy to do. It's easier sometimes to stay and you did it. And I don't mean that everyone can get, I know everyone can't get out of a relationship that they're in. And I don't mean to make it seem like it's like the easiest

thing in the world. But I do think that if you've been divorced, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually something to be proud of because you recognize something that didn't work and you wanted a better life. Or you got left and good because you shouldn't be with someone who leaves you. Let's get to top one, bottom one. Oh, you know what? Top one, bottom one this week is actually fitting for the why do I care we just did because this top one, bottom one, our favorite and least favorite of a certain category is... Celebrity couples. Celebrity couples. is celebrity couples celebrity couples all right let's start let's start as we always do every week

with our least favorite andrew what's your bottom one celebrity couple i mean i hate even calling these people celebrities like that's almost makes me feel uh they don't deserve that title so to even have them in my list i know it's fucked up but heidi montag and spencer pratt from the hills has eyes i think that's what i fucking hated these two so much i don't know why they just they just everything about them uh annoyed me and he he was just so pompous and he was like so set in like and maybe because they were so confident in their like false confidence maybe that would piss me off so much about them but boy did i fucking hate them and they fucked over i disagree with you yeah well of course wait what were you just about to say no i don't and they messed they they like you know she fucked over conrad for him which is fine i'm sure she wasn't easy to deal

with maybe but uh but yeah i don't know i mean i think you know look i think you know I don't know. I mean, I think, you know, look, I think, you know, I don't know. He was, ah, he fucking made me angry. I hated him. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is, you have a lot of ire for them. What's going on? Because I kind of like them because, first of all, they've lasted. They are insane. And they've always had each other's backs, even when their backs were being reconstructed to be tighter and look like they've

always he's like very spiritual now he's into you know all the crystal bullshit and hummingbirds and he just seems like i don't know they've always even though they're both kind of crazy in their own way i just feel like i like how they are still together and you just saw them being so doomed that i feel like they've stood the test of time and i kind of i don't know i don't i don't know i get that there's there could be like a beautiful love in uh being uh kind of i don't shitty together you know i mean it's like when you see two crackheads who have more love for each other because they both love this drug so much and you're like god i wish i had that kind of love for one another so their love for crystals is kind of their love for crack i guess and i see what

you're saying yeah yeah yeah crystals okay um all right well i don't think you might have flipped me you might have flipped me maybe but i just like two people that have made it work even though everything seems pitted against them. I would have never bet on them to last this long. And I think they'll probably last forever. We can all wish to be as connected. Yeah, Noah, what's your bottom one? All right, my bottom one,

and I think it's because I spent a lot of time looking for celebrity news and they're like polluting the headlines but also their relationship is a little bit irritating to me is travis barker and uh courtney kardashian yes i just feel like you know like she got her like vampire tooth like she became so like punk rock. Like too soon. You know, like I know couples start to look like each other, but it just happened like way too fast. Like she changed her style it seemed. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like it's like a midlife crisis. It's like instead of, you know, she already owned all the Ferraris. So she had to like find something you couldn't buy because they have all the money. So she got avis barker i don't know you guys i feel like i feel like it's very uh what's the word for it when you hate women misogynistic misogynist yeah i always i don't like that word because i fuck it up sometimes it It's not because I'm like, I want to avoid using that word. I just don't.

I always say misogynistic or there's misogynist. Which one is it? Misogynistic or misogynist? I think one is a noun and one is a verb. Misogynistic TikTok. Okay. I don't like that because we go, she's just trying, midlife crisis. She's trying to be young. She's, you know, she's definitely, you know, that whole family, say what you want about them. They've been through a lot. They lost their dad who was to cancer. He was defending OJ, who was, you know, obviously someone who murdered their mom's best friend. Then their stepdad comes out as a closeted transgendered person, which is not anyone's

fault. But like, that's a lot to deal with. They all have a mom who is trying to make money off of them, who also loves it's just complicated it makes sense that Courtney the oldest one is struggling a little bit and I envy that actually I envy them sucking each other's faces off and being so in love and like almost starting to look like each other I guess you know it's unhealthy for sure it's like love addicty behavior but I'm on board with it and I feel like we instead of pointing the finger at Travis Barker we point the finger at Courtney more so and we're like oh he's just being himself because I guess he can't get rid of his tattoos but you know so he's just so who he is that we don't think that he's changing at all we just put it on her but I agree with you it is annoying and i've heard people have seen them in public like in

private circumstances and they are like that even in private when no one's watching and they're all i mean i guess you could say that he loses his punk rock card a little bit as well by i mean yeah you're right it is usually pointed towards towards her but yeah i could say that like oh he you know he should be living under a bridge you know eating garbage while playing his drums you know but it's not like it's not like blink 182 was so punk rock either i mean they were like the least punk rock punk rock band ever so i mean blink 182 kind of is the Kardashians of punk rock, probably. Wouldn't you say that, Noah? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. All right. What about you, Nikki? I think my least favorite one has got to be Bennifer. Like, I didn't really even like them when they were together originally. And I really don't like this whole kind of, you know what, if they're fucking with the press

and it's all, which I get, I've been someone who wants to like make a story just so it gets in the headlines so people can believe one thing and then I know it's something else and to fuck with the idea that just to get, there's no shame in wanting press, especially when you're someone like J-Lo or Ben.

Like when your whole livelihood is based on people talking about you and knowing about you so that they buy tickets to your movies and concerts and whatnot so i don't blame you making that a part of your relationship it actually can bond to people to be like let's fuck with the paparazzi in public to make them just like obsess about us making out at you know at nobu um however i think i just um i was so obsessed with him and anna d dar marmas oh she's so beautiful oh god what an original thought yeah um so so natural i i mean every time her name comes up some guy guy has to go, oh, she's so hot. Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. What an original statement. Her light eyes. Yeah, yeah. She's amazingly beautiful. I was obsessed with their relationship in COVID last year in such a jealous way because they just like seem so in love. And it just seems like, I don't know. I actually, I don't, I'm having trouble coming up with a celebrity couple I don't like.

Only because all the ones I don't like are like all over each other. And I'm just jealous. And it's coming from that more than like not liking. I guess, I don't know. Bennifer, I'm taking it back. Like I can't, I can't say it's Bennifer because I actually think it's just coming from me being jealous of them and wanting what they have. And I think it's kind of exciting to get back with an ex. And getting back with an ex.

And he seems like he's being really sweet with her kids. I see the pictures of the kids seem very happy and taken care of. There's a lot of people talking on Reddit, on the Deux Moi subreddit about, you know, she sets a bad example for children jumping from one relationship to the next. They just got to know this man, A-Rod, who was living with them and was like their dad. And now there's a new guy. And it's just like, what kind of example does that set? And it's like, shut up. Everyone's trying their best.

J-Lo and him obviously have a lot of history that wasn't resolved. And let it be. Okay, let's get to our favorites. Andrew, top one celebrity couple well after you talk to me i'm gonna go with heidi and spencer oh shit no don't do that you froze don't do heidi and spencer who's it gonna's not... I mean, maybe if they truly are behind them now, but they're your favorite? I just like how easily swayed

I can be by anyone. I know. Me too. Like in an argument and you're like... No. I'll tell you why they're great. I'm like, you know what? They're the best. Okay, no. My favorite is David Beckham and Victoria Beckham.

I think they have proven that two extremely hot sexual beings can be incredible parents and be faithful and show that, you know, I don't know, maybe because they're outside the Hollywood eye and stuff. You know, she is a pop star and he's, you know, a soccer player. They're not quite Hollywood kind of celebrities,

so they're able to stay together. But they seem to really – they have four kids. And they're like this family is more connected and shows more love for each other than I swear to God like any family I've ever seen. And it could be fake. Who knows what's happened. Maybe they're all cheating on each other and they hate each other. But God, do they show.

And every once in a while, I check in on Romeo, Cruise, and who's the other one? Brooklyn. Those are the three boys. And I see how they're doing. I'm glad you're checking in on them. Yeah, I check in. You're a really good godfather to them. Noah, what's your number one celebrity couple?

We have two minutes left. I don't know if you saw that Andrew that's why I'm rushing ahead yeah yeah no I did I did that's why I kept going yeah I'm wondering why you totally ignored that but and just really was just taking your time discovering why you liked the Beckhams just really like just letting it

sit in and just like swimming around it in a little bit taking your sailboat across the sea of their love. I mean, the road of their love. Go on, Noah. What's your number one? Dude. Number one,

it came to me while we were doing this segment, is Will Smith and Jada Pinkett. Yes! I think they're just like an exemplary couple. The whole Scientology thing is a little bit weird. I wish that wasn't a part of it. Are they Scientologists? I think so.

Aren't they swingers or heat cheats? I don't know. He had something going on and Jada addressed it in public. I just think they're a good, strong couple. Good parents. Very involved in their kids' lives. Both very creative, very good

looking people. So they're my top. They also almost made my top as well. And you know me, I'm always going to give you two tops. Here we go. Number one is OJ and Nicole. Hear me out. No.

My number one celebrity couple um is a two-fold one you know I'm gonna give it to Taylor Swift and uh Joseph Alwyn they've been together uh four plus years now she doesn't write any negative songs about him she never even steps out with him in public she and it's not because she doesn't get caught with him in public like someone said on the other day on uh the subreddit demois that i read where it's just a bunch of people talking about celebrities and obsessed with celebrities that like um and no there was some person that really knew what they were talking about when it comes to paparazzi they were like taylor swift doesn't get photographed with joseph alwyn because she

makes a point not to any celebrity who gets caught someone, they're making a point to be caught with that person. It's easily, the paparazzi are easily avoidable. Like, anytime you see, you know, someone getting caught, they're not getting caught, you guys. If you wanted to avoid them, you can very easily. It all makes it look like, oh, we got caught, but they wanted to be, so it's press. Which I don't begrudge anyone doing. I love that she keeps it sacred. I love that she keeps it sacred. I love that she keeps it private.

She's someone that I relate to in terms of, you know, writing a lot about guys and getting a bad reputation for, you know, don't date her or she'll talk about you on stage. And I feel like I relate to that. And she's set a really good example for me of what I want my next relationship to be, which is like something sacred that I don't, you know, take for granted and use in my art in a disparaging way to like make jokes about. So I just I love that this is a person Taylor Swift does everything has done everything right to be the most famous and most beloved by her fans. Yet she didn't sacrifice her

relationship in any way. And I think that's lovely and then number two I just want to give it to Paul McCartney and um Nancy Chevelle his current girlfriend because they are both like old and cute and he's always like kissing her in really like delicate ways uh when they're swimming together or something and she just looks like a woman who looks her own age and I just love it and I love um I just love old people like loving on each other and their old bodies and uh by the way she has an amazing body for an older woman I'm not saying she has an old body but it's just like I just like when um two people are like into each other final thought the my number one couple that I want to make celebrities at the airport where

he's rubbing the arm so before we even got on our flight home from San Antonio, we were at the gate and I saw oh, this was in Dallas in our layover. I saw an old man, probably in his 70s, 80s and he was rubbing his wife's shoulders.

Like he was just standing there waiting to load onto the plane and he's just gently rubbing his wife's shoulders. And I was just watching for a while and i was like god that is so fucking cute and i almost tapped andrew to be like look at them over there but then i was just like you know what just let them have the moment i don't need to like call that out she's probably feeling sick he's not even like doing that because he's just like loves her he's just like she probably was like get my spot carl and he's like doing it begrudgingly but there was like a kindness to it and almost like a way he was doing it that it was

just he just wanted to touch her and they were like very old and like not attractive anymore sexually just you know and then that's not me judging it it's like they're they're like kind of their sexiness has gone away many many years ago but they were just there was just a connectedness to them that was just i would i saw it from across the room and it like really hit me, but then I just let it go. I didn't call it out. Then we are in St. Louis waiting for our bags and the couple is standing right, the same couple is standing right in front of us. And again, he is rubbing her wrists and up her arms, like giving her like a massage up her arms as she's holding onto their luggage and he's there waiting.

And she's just like, and it's so loving the way he's doing it. And I said to Andrew, I go, look at that. And he goes, oh, like we were both like, oh, and I go, Andrew, he was rubbing her neck before. Like this guy is just like all over this girl. It like, as if they were Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson two months in, you know, like this was how hot and she seemed distressed. Like I,

the story I like, you know, you, you tell a story when you see couples, like what's their like background. I feel like they live like out in the countryside. She's not used to being around a lot of people. She probably doesn't fly that much,

especially since COVID she's an older woman. So he's just trying to ease her while they're going through that also i think you know when you rub someone it eases him as well i've i've noticed that like giving giving someone something some kind of love physically it calms you as well so oh my gosh i think they're calming each other for sure i hope everyone gets to rub someone today or like gently, you know, even your own dog or something like you're right. Giving that almost is as good as receiving it. And you don't think about that. But I often learn that it's like what I've learned so much past year has taught me that one of the best things for your mental health is to do things for other people. Like when I'm most depressed, it's usually because I'm so obsessed with myself and like my life is so hard. I'm ugly. My room is a mess.

I have too much to do. And then I go, if I'm able to, you know, intervene in that. And I just say, what can you do for someone else today? Whether it's calling your aunt who's, you know, in a wheelchair, who is at home always waiting for calls, whether it's calling a friend who you might think is going through a hard time, just listening to someone else, like rubbing someone else's arm figuratively will get you out of your own head in such a way that is like, I didn't even know that it could work so well.

And it's almost selfish. So maybe today, if like me, you're feeling a little bit down, try to stop and think, what's one thing I can do for the planet or just something that's not me that I'm not going to benefit from? And then in the end, I think it might benefit you. So yeah, that's the lesson for today. Benefender. We gotta go. Yeah, benefervit you. Benefender. Yeah, just rub

J-Lo, Ben, and he's better. We know you're going to. Thank you guys so much for listening. From another yacht. Yeah. Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast. I can't wait. Thank you, Noah. Thank you, Andrew. Don't be cuh.

And jackpot. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up. Well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast.

Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cordially invited to... The Hottest Party in Professional Sports.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party. Your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed

and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.

With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships

and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there.

I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.