The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #83 A Clenched Fist w/ Tom Scharpling

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

Between you and Nikki emotions are out of order and so was the taping of the show. Nikki and Andrew welcome Tom Scharpling who's life is currenly in a new book called: It Never Ends: A Memoir with Nice Memories! You Heard it Here First, tattoos on kids, the problem with having a large penis and Nikki has a theory about why Machine Gun Kelly shaved his head. In the Blankest Thing You've Ever done, Tom shares a humiliating story about talking to Patti Smith. In the Final Thought, Nikki and Andrew revisit the argument they had that was not mentioned earlier in this description and get to a good place. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, guys. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Oh, my God.

What a show we have for you today. Tom Sharpling, author of It Never Ends, is on the show with us. He's also a comedian, radio host, television writer. We just shot, we did the whole show. I'm doing this part last, actually. And it's a good one. Andrew and I, I just want to gear you up for it. Andrew and I do get into a fight.

As soon as I bring him in, you'll hear hear it it's coming up uh stay till the end final thought by the time we get to the final thought we we clear it up he just uh left to go the golf course for eight hours today and he hugged me and we said i love you so we're good now we're better than ever. But if you are triggered by people arguing needlessly, maybe skip to when Tom comes on. Because we forget about it for a moment. Of course, on the day we have a guest, we are at each other's throats as the guest is in the waiting room. It was so... Listen, this is the show the show you guys you know it I am um I wanted to tell you all my phone just shorted out last night I went on a run

and um for the first time in so long if I'm being honest with you guys I um am no longer a uh a pothead I don't uh smoke weed anymore as of a few days. And it is my new reality. And I'm very excited about it. But that's all I'll say. I am. I'm just done. And that's not having any judgment for anyone who does want to continue doing it. And I just, I just realized that my shame about it was not lifting. And I wrote a bunch of, I wrote all the reasons I had to quit. And I couldn't stop. Like there was, I didn't even make it to the reasons to keep smoking. Because the infinite reasons to quit were just like, okay, the writing's on the page.

Like let's hang this up. So, and I also kind of was thinking about when I quit drinking, one of my arguments was like, yeah, it's so fun. But you had your fun. You had so much fun drinking. Like that part is over. Like, you know, you leave high school. And even if you leave like love high school, you have to leave. You just go, okay, that was high school.

I'm going to miss it. But that part of my life is done. And like my weed smoking days are done I had my fun I got what I needed from it and on to the next addiction so uh who knows what that'll be I'm gonna fill the hole somehow um and you'll probably hear me go through the stages of uh you know just trying to find something else and dealing with feelings what I have found is that when um I haven't so I it's been a few days now without having any and um my you know what we did for me is like my anxieties it would just like mute them mute my feelings and so I would feel my feelings a little bit. I would let them out, but they would all,

I would mute them as soon as they came out with weed and then they would be manageable. But now that I don't have weed, I am not letting the feelings out. I am walking around like a clenched fist. Like I feel like a clenched fist constantly. I can't cry. I can't, I can't let out anything because I'm just scared. I can't come. I can't cry out anything because I'm just scared I can't come I can't cry and this has all been since I've stopped smoking weed and I'm like why can't I release anything and it's like oh because I'm so scared if I do it won't stop but um but I'm really excited about realizing all these things none of this is bad but I am walking around like a clenched fist um and then but oddly enough when I went on a run because I went on a run yesterday because I was like I don't know I just felt like my lungs I was like oh good you're purging your lungs of all the

tar and like what's it resin let's go for a run it was so hot outside humid uh gross did a run felt good about it was texting Carlisle about smoking or you know quitting weed and all of a sudden my phone started blinking the screen and then it just went black and I was like oh and it was still on I could still like the the toggle on the side that makes it go to vibrate or or silent um that was still moving and I could I could still I knew it was functioning but the screen was not being it was not tappable and it was totally black but the phone works so I'm pressing all the buttons trying to get it to work I'm actually like you know what good this is I just don't want to be on my phone anymore tonight this is now I can't even post to Instagram this is great no I just need a break I was able

to text on my um computer and that was good enough for me so then I'm going to bed last night and that was a little rough because I usually like curl up in the dark with my phone and instead I was reading Tom Sharpling's book like with the light on and when you read books in bed like I have to keep switching because I don't read like on my back like a person in a movie like a you know like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. I'm not like perfectly stationed. With a book, I like twist and turn. It's just hard to read a book in bed.

A paper book. But I did it. I was like, this is like old timey shit here. I had a little gaslight callback. I had a man there who was telling me the way I see things was different than how I perceive them. But anyway, I was reading by the light of the light

and by the light of the lamp. And all of a sudden I started, and this is like, you know, minutes I'm in the book and I'm just like, wow, I'm really like just a real normal person that's like not addicted to her phone at all. And then I hear my phone. So I hear a voice like a dim voice.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And I don't realize what's happened. Now I realize what's happened because before when I was toggling with my phone, I pressed both buttons on the side and it started doing that like siren noise that on iPhones that can alert the cops like if you hold your phone wrong. But I always like I do that probably once a day accidentally holding my phone and I just press x and then it's off if you don't press x it calls the cops right I don't have any way to press x so it started calling the cops

and it was it was going for minutes because it had been a long time since I had done that so I I am hearing a voice. I listened to the voice and it says, thank you for calling the emergency services. You, your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line. An operator will be with you shortly. And I'm like, oh my God, I fucking called 911 and it's calling and I can't hang up pressing all the buttons. It's not hanging up. And I'm like, I'm just going to wait online on hold in bed until they pick up so I can tell them it was an accident. Please don't send anyone. Well, guess what?

Y'all, 20 minutes go by and I am on hold with 911. Has anyone heard of anything this absurd? You call 911. There's an emergency. This isn't I'm not calling Verizon or American Airlines to change my flight you don't get put on hold for nine one one at uh you know it was 11 o'clock at night in St. Louis I just I couldn't believe it I it got to the point where I go I have to go to bed and I have to hang up but I don't know how because my phone will not hang up so then I realized that I

have the little thing on the side of my phone that we realized Andrew didn't know about remember that Noah the little thing that you put an earring in you like put a safety pin in the hole and pop out the the pin the um the sim card and that was the only way that I could get it to shut off so I took out the sim card and it shut off but it's wild to me that you can be put on hold for 9-1-1 and I had seen it on the St. Louis Reddit that someone had said our emergency service line has like is is has a busy signal and I was just like there's no way they probably called the wrong one and pressed I don't know how you fuck up 9-1-1 but there's no way you get put on hold 20 minutes I could have been bleeding to death or in a situation that I needed rescuing and I would have been on hold.

I don't know what's going on there. It made me really sad and actually very grateful that I wasn't actually in an emergency. So I don't know who to call if something actually bad happens to me. Maybe I should call American Airlines because I do have status with them and they get me through. Or maybe 911 needs a little thing where they go you are third in line and we'll call you back like maybe it needs that also I was thinking about when you actually set off the alarm on your phone you know the one that starts going it's so loud and I was thinking about when I've wanted to call 911 and be rescued um because I could I couldn't maybe dial it and I just I'm holding my phone the one time I can

remember I was in an uber that uh I got into because the license plate checked out it was the same uber that was on the app that showed me but the color of the car was different the make of the car was different and there were two guys driving when I got in two guys were driving there's a guy in the passenger seat I'm like is there someone's shadowing an uber so I get in and I were two guys driving when I got in two guys were there's a guy in the passenger seat I'm like is there someone's shadowing an Uber so I get in and I go two guys and they're like yeah he's my friend I was just like okay I shut the door the locks on the door were sawed off I am now fucking panicking because there are two guys that are not they are they are they don't look like uber drivers to me they look like the car is in a condition that a criminal's car would be in or Andrew Collins room you know what I'm saying like it's not like uber clean and and I'm saying uber as in the company not like

super and it's not um it's just and so we're driving and I remember they were I was gonna know within I was texting with Andrew saying I'm in an Uber I'm really scared here's my location it's two guys it's a different color of car I don't know what's going on I'm about to know if I get I'm about to be raped and murdered at this next turn either they make this turn and go to where I want to go or they're gonna take me somewhere else and they made the turn into the salon that I was going to and I just was like oh my god thank god but I was thinking about maybe using that thing you know like the emergency thing and then I go I wouldn't though because they would hear the emergency alarm going off and know that I'm doing it but they so I'm conflicted as to what I should have done in that moment. That was the scariest moment of my fucking life.

Like when you determine that it's either going to be if they turn right, you live. And if they keep going, you're about to be raped. Like I don't know if any other women out there have experienced that where you you go, oh, my God, I'm about to be raped. Like you kind of like almost know it. And maybe you actually were. And I'm so sorry that that happened to you um but I had that moment where I like kind of I wrapped my head around it and I was like okay get through this like do what you can to like fight for your life and thankfully I didn't need to but now I know that if even if I would have called I would have probably been put on hold it's really weird and I don't know why happened. I just always assume 9-1-1

picks up right away. We got to get to the rest of the show. Sorry to end on a weird note, but that just took me there. Who knows? Gear up for Andrew's coming in and it's a doozy. The callback to a thing you haven't even heard yet. Andrew. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon.

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Hey, Andrew. What's up? How'd you sleep last night? I'm trying to think. All right. Well, when you think about that, I'll just tell our listener that, well, they already know because I'm going to tell them at the top of the show, but I was running late, obviously, today.

We have a guest on the show, Tom Sharpling, who wrote a book that I've read 30 pages of, which is pretty good for me, honestly. Yeah, it's 25 more than usual. Yeah, I'm on page 32. Whoa, is that the intro? And it's like the hardcover book. He did send me the digital copy, too,

which I usually read on my phone, but my phone, as we know from the intro, which I'm going to tell you later because this is taped out of order, it went kaput last night. I feel free. But, yeah, he is someone that – I mean, I'll tell him when he gets on the show. Do you know who Tom Sharpling is? Unfortunately, no. No, you don't. But I did some research. I really liked, I'm going to get into it with him about like his approach to this book

because I'm actually, weirdly enough, I'm meeting with book people later today to help facilitate my book. Cause I can't do it on my own. And I think that's just an important lesson to learn is like, you want to do all these things alone. Like you might have your, whether it's a book,

whether it's like cleaning out your garage or, you know, getting fit. Like if you could do it alone, you would have done it. You know, if it's a book whether it's like cleaning out your garage or you know getting fit like if you could do it alone you would have done it you know if you do a book for the person that only wants to read 50 pages you know me i can't keep it to just no i and i and if i do it i'm gonna do like moby dick but then you could do like 100 pages maybe do 15 books but only 50 pages a book yeah i don't want to do that maybe do 15 books, but only 50 pages a book. Yeah, I don't want to do that because I never buy books that are 50 pages because I'm like, this is 17 bucks for 15.

You know, you got to sell hard copy first. Like, let's see how much this book is. $27 US. How much do you think it is Canadian? $27 US. It's $30 Canadian. $34. I would say book prices were the first time you saw Canadian prices.

And we're like, what's going on here? Remember back in middle... Did you ever pick up books in middle school? Probably not. Did you do Scholastic? I did. I remember Wordly Wise. What's that?

That was how you learn vocabulary words. But book wise. What words? Vocabulary. You really do struggle with the U's. Yeah. Do you say instead of the word you, do you say ooh? What did I say?

You said vocabulary. Okay. And how do you say it? Vocabulary. You know, like regular, regular. So I have how do you say it? Vocabulary. Oh. You know, like regular, regular. So I have silent U's. It might be.

I think it's regional just to your mouth. It's a very small district. Only in Andrew's mouth do people say regular and, well, there's other U's. Regular. Do you say? Vocabulary. Usually? Usually. Usually. Yeah, Do you say- Vocabulary. Usually? Usually. Usually.

Yeah, it's U. Vocab- But I said voc- Yes, vocab- U- Larry. What's that movie, Ferris? Bueller.

Yeah, you don't say Bueller. It's usually when the U's somewhere in the middle there. In the middle. With an L and an R. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you sleep last night did you figure it out i think i slept well i guess that's why i didn't really think about it because i guess i slept through the night oh you know what it was i didn't have any caffeine past two changes to

everything i gotta stop with this that's really interesting that you know that and what what drives you to well you went to bed at 8 30 you go okay because i go can i play guitar out here and you go now yeah i'm going to bed and i was like oh and i looked at the clock it was 8 38 i didn't yeah going to bed for you means watching money heist until you fall asleep right great show great show well i mean you're playing guitar in the living room what do you want me to do you can say um uh i actually want to hang out here Do you mind playing in the other room? Well, I guess. But I mean, I think. So now I'm fucked if I go in.

I'm fucked if I say I can't. No, but you could just hang out while I play. It's not like it's not like that. I know, but I'd rather watch my show. I mean, no offense. It's like you don't want to watch me swing a golf club. No, but I do. You know.

Well, it's not loud. No, it isn't loud.. Well, it's not loud. No, it isn't loud. I mean, it's physically loud. I mean, you've set up in the living room a full-on concert stage. Yeah, and I only play on that concert stage when you're gone. But last night I was like, oh, maybe I could just play a song while he's sitting here. Because even for me, I don't want you to ever feel pressure to watch me. But if I ever can have someone there,

it just makes me... I need to start doing Zooms. And audience. Audience. Yeah. I just need to start doing Zooms with people, just three people to just go in the room and then I just perform for them.

But it just feels like... How fun would it be if you get a drummer? If we're listening right now, our listeners, we need a drummer, a bassist, a lead guitarist. I don't have time for that stuff. I don't have time to start a band right now. No, no, no, no, but you could do it all on Zoom. Just meet me at 9 and let's jam.

Well, you can't because there's a delay. You can't really make music on Zoom because of the delay. I was trying to get you a band, a fun online band. You know what I do is i just pull up on youtube uh you know beats by dre or whatever yeah like you just do i always google search like what bp i type in taylor swift lover bpm beats per minute and then i put then i take that like okay 87 and then i type in 87 bpm drum and then there's people that just just have drum thing that will just like a slow groove and then you can have a drum accompanying you.

It's pretty cool. Yeah. No, I mean, it's amazing what you can do with the internet. If you're bad and the internet's available, you kind of just aren't doing the research. Yeah. I've noticed that with golf too. It's all out there.

If you want to learn something, you can learn whatever the fuck you want. I was just talking about you on the radio uh i talked i talked about our the joke that we wrote i wrote last night for you why do you have to go to i from we because it started out as we and then it just went to i and then i just gave you the joke this is why i can't answer why what this is so you're so rude sometimes it's unbelievable you think that's rude yes i'm saying the fact you've written jokes for me that i haven't i don't go to go oh it was i it goes back to the fuck when we were watching f boy island and and i i have one thing where i think i have

maybe one line or one input i would go to you and you go to because i did write it you did not write it's in my notes it's in my notes it's in my notes it's in my notes no you want to bet a million dollars i i bet you anything you were writing it down because i said it and i said write that down i wrote it with 15 other jokes nikki okay okay i but this is a it's annoying to me when you do this it's like why do oh it's just frustrating oh andrew what's going on why because it's frustrating because i wasn't even going to bring up the other thing from the other day no if you've proved it you're the star of the show you're the producer of the show you you're you're the person on this show but and i kind of laughed

one time and you go that's not yours that's mine well and it's like this competitiveness that's it's not competitiveness dude it's i swear to god it's just because i thought i wrote that joke and i'm just like i i can't let him think that he wrote that joke i wrote that like i remember you didn't well if i and then when i said that you go oh yeah and then you gave me attitude for two hours afterwards no i didn't give you attitude yes you did you didn't talk to me the rest of the night i honestly did not think about that moment at all for the rest of the night it was nothing to do with that i swear to god dude i swear to god i would admit i can be very petty about this stuff yes but then why though why with me why are you so competitive with me i over like dumb shit like andrew andrew

oh i'm just getting let me just let me just present my side of it before we bring in our guest to this toxic environment i only am stubborn about those things when i know that i wrote it and i just want credit when i wrote something it's that's a natural thing now if i'm wrong that's another thing sometimes i don't remember it correctly but in my mind if i wrote it i'm not just saying that i'm not never giving you a joke that if you wrote a joke and in my memory you wrote it i'll give that to you but if if but let's just say if i did write that joke should i let you just have it no i think that okay so you think i would ever claim to write a joke that i think you wrote i just thought you were wrong so i was correcting

you it wasn't like oh you you're making this up right i didn't think you were making it up i thought you remembered it frustrating to me because it's like you're you're literally the star of the show you're in both the credits we're like you're literally the star of the show. You're in both the credits. We're watching the show. You're 90% of the show. And one time I go like that. And you couldn't even let me have that without saying that's mine. Because I thought it was mine, Andrew.

And so now you go on a radio show and I go, hey, Nikki, can we talk about a comedy bit for a second? And you go, well, we, it was I. It was I. It was me. You hear how narcissistic and horrible that is no because see you don't i don't hear it because the truth is i did write that joke for you last night you came up with the con i will say that you came up the concept of i want to do a joke about how brenna thinks i'm cheating on her with golf and how she would prefer me to be

watching anything else than golf. And then we took apart the joke, and then I wrote the line that you're going to use. Yeah, and I would love to say thank you, but I don't like the idea of you going, well, actually, it was me, rather than, oh, you can't. Like, that's a different conversation of being like. Andrew, I would have gone back and presented the entire thing

if you wouldn't have spiraled out right there, and it's okay because I understand that I can be like this sometimes and it triggers you but you did it on the radio of being you didn't hear me on the radio Andrew on the radio you just came across Andrew you didn't hear me on the radio and if you did you would know that I said it was your joke that I helped you with and then I said I said the joke I did not say that I wrote it I didn't say any of that I said we wrote a joke and then I told the joke okay that's how I presented on the radio that's how you just said it right now though because it is how it happened Andrew

what's wrong I don't know I just get frustrated I hear you we have to bring in a guest this isn't the time for this maybe he can help us I would actually love his help let's get him in here let's bring in the author of It Never Ends,

a book that I've read 32 pages of. He is also, he's a television writer. He wrote on, I think, Divorce, that great show. I think that's where I first met him in person. He is someone who I've known about for many, many years. He just heard all that? Yeah, what? Our whole argument?

Oh, no, I think he was in the guest room. He didn't hear us fighting. Tom Sharpling is a comedian, writer, television writer, host of The Best Show, which is a weekly call-in radio show that's been running for 18 years now. Is it up to 19 yet uh please welcome to the show the author of it never ends a memoir with nice memories tom sharpling hi tom hey how are you i'm good how are you you you look a little bit annoyed right now no i'm not okay you were just holding your head like a tension headache and i was like did you just hear me and andrew's fight right before we brought you on i wish i heard it oh my god well it got really tense and it was like oh we got to bring in our guest we have to pretend like we get along it's like when your parents

fight and they're like oh the kid's coming in the room yeah no we didn't just you have parents that stop fighting when you win the room uh no i had to leave the room what about you tom did you have parents that fought no my parents didn't fight they just would just take care of things and then have you just realize like oh i think people are mad at people you realize 20 years later i think people were really mad at each other oh wow so they they kept they didn't have arguments in front of you ever. No, no. Wow. They held it together. They're they're pretty solid with that. Yeah. That's really impressive. When I hear about that, I always that takes a lot of strength to not to save it for later and to keep it from your kids. Like I remember my brother in law when he saw our family for the first time he was just like you guys just like fight right away right away and you just like you fight a lot and it

blows my mind never witnessed it growing up with his family they just hit it and there's some good things and bad things about that probably if you hold things in yes we should have held him in today a little bit tom sharpling welcome to the show. I met you in person one time, I believe. I was super intimidated when I met you because I was a fan of the best show, and I say

was because, I mean, I am. I haven't listened in a while because I don't listen to anything, but you're still doing the show, right? I don't listen to anybody's things either i barely want to hear my own things i don't like hearing come out of my own mouth and have to record that's enough anguish for the world isn't it interesting that we have to promote things that we wouldn't watch ourselves like i i can't watch myself do you do you are you able to

read your own book yeah i do i um it's funny i can listen to the sound of my voice and i can read things i wrote i don't like looking at myself do things though oh why is that you think uh probably something to do with my face right right and when you do interviews and they go it's gonna be on camera you have to you have to be on zoom like we're not gonna put this anywhere so don't worry but like yeah we can see you i'm fine with the way you look but i i always do go like can we just do zoom with cameras off like do you need to see me and and when i yeah i but the but the weird thing is i don't have a problem when i was like editing my special. I can watch myself on mute.

I just don't want to hear the things coming out of my face because I'm more – I get angrier at myself for not being funny enough as opposed to not looking the right way. Even though I'm very insecure about my looks as well. I don't know what that is. Do you – It's a human condition. I really related to your struggle with the idea of writing a book in the beginning of your book, which whenever I attempt to write a book, I always have to write about the fact that I'm writing a book. And I'm like, oh, should I do this?

But I always enjoy when an author acknowledges what a struggle and endeavor this is that they're about to do. You added the fears of the book being like, you probably, I'm guessing for a while you wanted to write a book and you knew you had a great book in you, but you also don't want to try to do it because what if you don't? And then, you know, once and for all that you did it like, Oh my God. Yeah, no god yeah no i was very um i built it up so much in my mind where it's like if i do this book or when i do a book it's gonna have to be the best book that's ever been written because now i'm in competition with every book that's ever been written and then you go to the bookstore and you look around and you realize just the sheer volume of garbage that is considered a book.

And you're like, of course I could write a book. Look at these, like Jason Alexander writing a kid's book and these things that probably took an afternoon. And I'm just like, and I'm not putting Jason out. I would write a kid's book also. Nobody's asking me to. But it's that kind of thing where it's like, what am I so hung up on with this thing? Just go do it. Just do it. And you can always do another one if this one isn't good enough.

You kind of rationalized that. But you did say that Rob Gronkowski wrote a book. And that was the final straw for you to be like, I can do this. Yes. Cause I, I, I'm pretty sure. Uh,

I don't know how many books he's, I don't know. He might've written more books than he's read with, with that one. Cause I think the number is one. And, um, that's up for dispute.

And who knows if he wrote that one, to be honest. He might have looked at that and said, I did what? I heard he drew a picture and someone made it 400 words. He had a ghostwriter, but only because that writer is now a ghost

that he worked with because he died of shame. They killed themselves. Well, I wanted to say that I did begin your book. I'm on page 33. I'm reading the hard copy of it, which you graciously sent to me, along with the digital version, which I usually read on my phone. But my phone died last night, and I'm reading your book. I'm just so happy that you addressed those fears, because I have also going into the idea of like wrapping my head around writing a book.

And then I just love the way you write and you'll go on little tangents. You'll come back to the story. Your writing is so funny. You have great stories. You hate Billy Joel. You get into that almost right out of the gate. What's the hatred for Billy Joel? It goes back to his music ultimately. It's not good.

I don't hate the human. I don't care. So you're fine with him driving his car through a house, but the song though is bad. Sure, look. I'm not a Long Island property owner, so he's not a threat to me. I don't have to worry about my house getting crashed into.

But it's just the music. I always thought when he does MSG 60 shows in a row, it's like, get a friend. Don't you have any friends, Billy? This is what you need to, like, fill a hole? Yeah. I mean, that's kind of, why do you play golf seven hours a day? Because I need a friend. I need a friend.

It's called It Never Ends. How many friends do you have as an adult? Like, good friends? I have a lot of good friends. I'm very happy with my life in regard to my friends. I did pretty good yeah i feel the same way about like i'm like okay that's the one thing i can go yeah i did good on that i do have good you too yeah well tom i'm really impressed with whatever kind of office

you're in right now um is this is this your like studio oh no this is a side room in my house that is really beautiful oh thank you it's been an all-purpose room and all i do is sit on zoom oh that's probably why i was holding my face because i was like i know getting ready for a day of zoom so you're just promoting this book non-stop doing interviews going on different shows like that yeah and i'm working also writing on a show now so it just means oh it's a lot well thank you for being here i hope this is going to be easy for you um the book is called it never ends can you um can you explain your choice for that title i know why you chose it but i think it's interesting and and and how did you land on what this book was going to even be?

Because you can write about anything. It's funny because I gave it a lot of thought of what kind of book I wanted to do. And I was thinking maybe I'll try to write a novel or something like that. And then it just always felt like, no, I think I need to kind of tell some stories from my life. And then if I was going to tell them, then I kind of needed to just, there's that point where you're just like, am I going to, am I going to half-ass this and not tell certain things or am I just going to tell them? And I was like, no, I'm just going to tell this stuff. So I just decided if I tried to think in my mind, I'm only going gonna do one of these ever so let's make it right so yes i i like that statement that you made of um in early on in the book because i'm early on in the book but uh where

you say i'm i was scared of telling certain things and what if certain people read this and and waiting till maybe they're like gone so you could write about it like did you mention that too i believe you did um but like just saying you know what i gotta tell the truth and i'm gonna say some things in here that are going to be very hard for me to even relive but i'm just gonna take a chance and do it and and see what happens has the fallout from that been what you've expected? Has it been okay? Oh, yeah. It's been really positive, and people have found a lot of commonality with certain stuff because there's a lot of stuff about mental illness and things that I went through at

different points in my life that are in there. And it's nice that people have come and said, like, oh, I have, you know, like my brother or sister went through that, or I went through it, or or my parents went through it or my father went through it. So it's been kind of validating in that regard that I did it the way I was supposed to do it. But I also honestly, I just would have done it this way. Even if people were not happy with it, I would still be happy with it. Good, because you've you've looked I mean, the mental illness stuff, I've got a lot of it, I would still be happy with it. Good. Because you've looked, I mean, the mental illness stuff, I've got a lot of it too.

And I struggle sometimes disclosing some of the struggles because I go, these things are ongoing and they might come back and it's easy to go, that was my past and I'm over it. And I was addicted to this or I did this. And it's easier when you've recovered. But there's some things that I talk about and I was addicted to this or I did this and it's easier when, when you've recovered. But there's some things that I talk about and I go, this might rear its head again.

Pretty like, I might actually still be in this and that's a little bit harder to, to talk about, I guess if you're kind of still in it, do you feel, did you, did you have any sense of that or like feeling about that? Yeah.

I mean, because this stuff, feel did you have did you have any sense of that or like feeling about that yeah i mean because this stuff there's no guarantees with with things like mental illness that it's not gonna come back it's just there's no it's like there's no finish line on any of those things where it's like and that's one of the things like with certain uh there's certain comedians and certain friends friends or whatever people in my life the one thing that kind of I can't ever kind of wrap my head around is when people are like well I had this problem and I did that but that's done the end and I'm past it it's just like sometimes these things circle back you know we might want to be a little less uh you might want to take care of the present also with things and not just act like oh

i was somebody with problems or i i was not a great person then but now i am and that's over it's just like well you still got to do some upkeep here yeah and um that that's uh that's a double-edged sword for me because when i have quit things in the past like when i quit drinking and smoking there i used a method called the alan Carr method and part of that method is the second you put down your last cigarette you're a non-smoker like you can identify like you're a non I'm a non-smoker I it was the second you take that last sip and you put down that glass I don't drink alcohol and even though you just had one and it helps you to do that to like to frame it that way so that you're not someone who like oh I'm quitting or like I truly am a smoker but I'm not doing it

right now because then you'll always kind of identify as one and probably slip back into it but I think you're right of um I sometimes like with my eating disorder I'm like I'm done I figured it out not gonna going to do that anymore. And the second I start thinking that way, I start doing little things with food that make me go, oh, this can, this can, I need to do certain upkeep on some things. But then identify as a non-smoker, non-drinker. It's like I have to do either or um yeah it's like when when you were like drinking and falling off like in the past and you could go that's in the past because and you could like put your like your finger on those stories because they were so bad and then when something's like a little bad you know now because i've stopped drinking and i've worked on some shit you can't

you don't really you don't want to address it because you're like, well, it's not as bad as it was. Right. And I don't know. And you also don't have alcohol to make as an excuse for it. So now you're just being bad with no assistance from a mind-altering substance. But the thing is our minds are mind-altering.

Everyone goes like, i don't know i i just i have this joke right now about like pedophilia and like how like taking a shower with my nephew and how i didn't want to do it because i'm like what if i molest him and my sister's like what and i'm like i don't know what i'm capable of like i don't know i don't think i'm going to but like no one wants to be a pedophile it just like occurs to you one day no one's like I would love to want to fuck kids so why would I set myself up for a scenario where it might occur to me that that's who I like even the joke is obviously like I'm not and that's the most outrageous thing you could say and the fact that I'm even scared of being one would lead you to believe I probably am not but like

no one you can bump your head and become something weird you know like the you can't trust that your mind is always going to be the same right that make sense yeah I think it makes sense okay we'll

just leave that there then let's get to the news no it makes sense no think it makes sense. Okay, we'll just leave that there then. Let's get to the news. No, it makes sense. No, seriously, it makes sense. I was waiting for him. If it just left on that. I was like, I think the Zoom is frozen. I'm just going to go with that.

Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. You heard it here first. I hope you're having all the swells out there, having a great time. Oh, man, this first story, I think you're going to love it. It's a doozy.

A man faces charges for tattooing a child inside a McDonald's restaurant after videos are posted to social media to alert police. I mean, that's where you're going to tattoo a child if you're in a McDonald's. That's the place to McDonald's. Yeah, not a Burger King. That's the place to do it. I mean, I just love. So the story goes on to be like, this is hurting the reputation of McDonald's. Oh, really?

They put out a statement. We do not condone tattooing your children. Well, the city was like, they just remodeled this McDonald's. And for this to happen outside such a beautiful restaurant. How do you tattoo so, like, don't you need a whole setup? I think he set up. It didn't go through what his setup was, but it sounds like he was very comfortable doing it. Like, it wasn't just like.

And if you saw it happening, you would just go, that's clearly not what I'm picking. I think that child's being tattooed. There's no way that's happening. And you would go, that's maybe not what i'm picking i think that child's being tattooed that's there's no way that's happening and you would go that's maybe like a fake tattoo set or something um yeah you'd see the person looking for an outlet would be the giveaway they'd be like holding a tattoo machine like is there an outlet around here was was it his son no no it was just a young kid. I don't know. They didn't say how old the kid was.

The guy was 28 years old. But yeah, they just said the kid was a juvenile. I mean, what is the age of when you should be able to get a tattoo? I know a lot of like 16-year-olds get them. Yeah. They'll get like a cross on their shoulder that says 316 or something. Whenever you get a tattoo, you're eventually that says 316 or something whenever you get a tattoo and you're eventually gonna probably reach a point where you go that was i i kind of regret

that or oh it reminds me of a dumb time in my life um yeah i feel like that that kid's gonna have a great story and it's setting him off on the right foot to write a really great book someday it's like when you get an interview. Do we know what the tattoo was? And you meet at Starbucks for the interview for a Starbucks job or something. Like, I just love the idea. Like, this kid was like, oh, yeah, McDonald's. That's where the best tattoos are.

You know, I'm sure they had a prior friendship. I got to assume they were friends before this. I mean, unless the guy, like, put in Craigslist, like, come to McDonald's. What would you have gotten as a tattoo if you were a child? Oh, at 16? Probably like a lacrosse stick. Oh, I'm picturing this being a kid. So this is probably

a 16-year-old, I guess. I'm guessing, yeah. If I was 10, probably shark bites. The fruit sack? Yeah. The white one? The mysterious white one? No. That's what everyone would think I'd get. I'd get the color one that no one wants. The orange one? The mysterious white one? No, that's what everyone would think I'd get. I'd get the color one that no one wants. The orange one? The orange hammerhead? There were pink in there

sometimes. Tom, what would you get as a tattoo as a 10-year-old? Probably back then I probably would have gotten some like night court like some TV show I watched a lot of. Yes. I would have gotten a Saved by the Bell like something. Which one? Like I would have gotten a saved by the bell like which one like i would

have gotten maybe zach's phone or something that actually would have been cool yeah it would have been actual size too um yeah i i feel like but the things that you even want on your body when you're 24 you're not gonna want later on i mean you i got a jaguar tattoo at 40 like yeah i don't i didn't want this i don't know what i was doing it to have face look cool and i thought they were in florida they're not in florida you were you were going through something when you started getting tattoos and which i think is a normal thing like you just you you just got one one day i was bored and i like the feeling of it. It's very meditative. And to go through pain like that, I don't know.

You enjoy the pain. It's a weird thing. I guess it's like tying up your balls while having sex or something. I don't know. Or getting the shit beat out of you. Or cutting. A lot of people that want to cut and want to suffer. I've been a cutter before.

And you just want to punish yourself for feeling like a stained person and i do mean the band stained without an e it's been a while it's been a while since i got a tattoo of shark bites but i think i would get addicted to tattoos because the pain would feel so good i mean i surgically removed a wart from my knee without anesthetic that's the way we're just figuring out ways to be cutters. Like, cause you could be a tat. You could have tattoos in your eyelids and people would think you're more

normal than a cutter. Yeah, you're right. I'm not even kidding. People get tattoos a lot of times because it's an, it's an acceptable form of causing inflicting pain on yourself. Tom, do you have any tattoos?

I don't, I think I would get one at some point, maybe. I don't know. I would probably want like the tiniest top out of a tattoo that would just be like, I have a tattoo. And then people would be like, that's not a tattoo. That's like. Yes.

It just looks like a mole. Cleaning their needles or something on my arm. Yeah. Yeah, it would look like, oh, wait, that is a mole. I need to get that checked out. Yeah. Or you just fill out yeah that's bad you fill in moles that are already like you know misshapen and might be of concern and you just make them a perfect circle so no one tells you go to the doctor so you can keep a little smiley faces make sure that would be hilarious to draw smiley faces on your moles that's good cancer is yeah. Like, or birthmarks.

Like, you know, when you scribble on a piece of paper and you play that game where you, like, make something out of the scribble. Yeah. Do you have a birthmark? I remember that was a big thing when I was a kid. Where's your birthmark? It's not talked about that much. Do you have a birthmark, Tom? What do you mean?

Like a splotch or something? Yeah. Some kind of splotch. I don't think so. I don't know why. I didn't ever have one either. Really? I got one on my back.

It's not that big. I saw one guy had it on his face. Huge birthmark. Half his face. Port Weinstein is what I think those are called sometimes. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.

It's like when they want to be called little people. You know, like that whole thing of like, that sounds worse than what it is. A port wine stain. Oh, I thought you said pork rinds. No, port wine. It's like someone spilled wine on a baby, which happened to me as a lot as a child. It just didn't stain. Well, you were a heavy drinker.

I'm like, Mom, switch to Chardonnay. It doesn't show up. Andrew, what's the next story oh man all right the next story it's a doozy baby uh you are you sure it better be i might be using doozy a little you were filling space we were not sure this is going to be a doozy the man who claims to have the world's largest penis at 13 and a half inches when erect reveals that it's not all fun and games and says the worst part are preconceptions preconceptions for saying that word is the hard part for some reason having a 13 plus inch penis means i'm a bad person i'm egotistical i'm a porn star or I'm dumb or I'm a slut. Okay. So this guy's cock is too big.

Yeah. And he's getting prejudged for it. Right. It seems like a burden to carry around that. That would be a lot. Would you as someone. Yeah, I'd hurt your back. Andrew, you definitely admire men with big penises.

I know. And I'm saying that like I admire women with tiny little vaginas or I guess not admire, but I would like mine to be more like that. Oh, yeah. And you would like yours to be more maybe bigger? I don't think 13 and a half. Yeah. Would you take that over a micro?

Oh, I don't have a micro on the record. No, I'm not. I know. Oh, if I had to choose between 13 and a half and a micro you got to go 13 and a half no one's choosing a micro no i mean unless they run in the olympics and they want to be lighter yeah possibly tom do you have any penis envy no i'm i'm pretty i'm pretty uh comfortable with where i'm at with things and um the only thing i'm just thrown by is like this guy's thing this is like this

burden and people think he's it's like it's the most optional thing imaginable for people to not know that that's the deal he didn't need to tell anyone you're so right you're so right but if you want that guinness record well he also he goes i'm sick of asking for pictures of it i've done it 10 000 times so it's like oh yeah like just go online like look at the picture that's already online of it did you look at did you look this guy up i had i was reading it right when the show started and i didn't get to google his 13 and a half erect yeah i mean that's just wild i mean if you look at the guy he doesn't seem like a guy that would have a 13 and a half inch penis.

Oh, that's interesting. But he talks about how he doesn't need a fancy car. You mean he's not black? Is he not black? He seems, well, he's not black, but that wasn't what I was talking about. If you saw his face, it was just very boyish like. Oh, right, right. I don't need a fancy car.

I don't need a gun. I happily wear my mask and so on because I don't have to prove car. I don't need a gun. I happily wear my mask and so on because I don't have to prove my masculinity to anyone else. I'll wear pink, goddammit. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got a war going on in that head. He's going through a lot, for sure.

And that would be hard, having this thing that everyone thinks is the greatest thing to have. And you're like, my life isn't perfect. I think that some people get really defensive when they just think that they have like, oh, my God. I like I look at someone like J-Lo. And I'm like, if I was J-Lo, I would never be upset. I would never have any issues.

And, you know know it's yeah sometimes good-looking people have to prove that they have problems to prove to you know the rest of the world like i'm not i have problems like i you know they don't want to seem perfect whatever but yeah so why do i care actually let's take a quick break before why do i care 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment

sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests.

People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever.

We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers. But we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes, and they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations, like I'm Pete Peel chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland, Sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe, and I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya, Kathleen Hanna, and The RZA.

These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist.

When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour.

He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Why do I care? Let's get to our story. Why do i care let's get to our story why do i care all right machine gun kelly reveals dramatic

head tattoo as he shaves his hair off why do you say that some people do um have birth marks that you don't see until they shave their heads that's weird and i was actually thinking about machine gun kelly looks like someone with a gigantic penis because he is very long. And I think about him a lot anyway, so I guess I care about the story because he's running out of space to get tattoos, clearly. And this is someone that probably does tattoos to feel pain

and to deal with his feelings. He's a guy that definitely suffers with mental illness. I think he also potentially was wearing some kind of wig. His hair was thinning. He had hair transplants from the rumors. And maybe now he's finally like, no, this is me. I'm a bald guy.

I'm going to lean into my baldness. I feel comfortable now. Maybe when you get more hair transplant, you've got to shave it all. Sometimes I think you have to shave your head because of just the you know like sometimes i think you have to shave your head completely to get more hair transplants and so maybe it was like something he did to make it seem like oh i'm getting i'm doing this for the tattoo but it's actually more hair transplant damn just tattoo hair well that's what people do they get tattoos on their tom you have a pretty good head of hair for your age if you were balding would you get a hair transplant if you were bald oh i don't know i never i just like look first of all these

headphones do no one any favors it makes it look like i have a weird headphone shaped hairline or something i'm so tired of zoom with that it's just like i don't even know what i look like anymore like i feel like my i think your eyes have been closed this whole time. I don't know what to do. I think I'm okay with... My hair, thankfully, is okay enough that I'm fine.

You're fine with your penis, fine with your hair. The main thing that men are insecure about, you accept about yourself. Yeah. And I just, you know, look, I'm not in Machine Gun Kelly's, I'm not struggling with getting a hair transplant and then shaving it off and then getting a tattoo where the thing,

it just seems like he's opened up Pandora's box now that he now keeps having to address the previous thing with a new thing yes well that's the thing about reinventing yourself as like a pop artist that you have to constantly change your look to get back in the tabloids or to get people to pay attention to you yes you know if machine gun kelly wore a polo shirt every day and was just like you know wearing slacks it's like no this is who i am on tuesday monday through friday and saturday and sunday it's not you know they cut they're just chasing that reinvention and it happens with so many pop stars yes i also think that um machine gun kelly seems seems like a child that was tattooed at a McDonald's.

That's how you make a Machine Gun Kelly is you tattoo a child at a McDonald's and set him off on a course to end up dating Megan Fox for at least another couple months. Ruined the reputation of the Big Mac. He seems like he would have been tattooed in an Arby's. Got the meats. Let's get to our daily segment. Today is Wednesday, so it's a wild card. I have chosen the blankest thing you've ever done. And today's blank is humiliating.

So the humiliatingest thing you've ever done, which I selected this one because Tom opens his book with a couple really embarrassing celebrity like run in stories. And I really just wanted to hear you recount one of those at least. And because they were they they made me uncomfortable. And I just want to know. I want to know more. Oh, well, the book kicks off with me recounting me bothering punk legend Patti Smith when she was getting – we were saying it was San Francisco Sketch Fest, and we're all at the same hotel and I'm just in a state where I'm

looking around trying to make sure I don't see comedians that I've made fun of and have to see them in person and then completely fold and back down from my loud from me being a loud mouth um so but then I kept seeing Patti Smith over and over. Wait, which comedian were you really dreading seeing? When you, when you think of that, is there one name? Yeah, there is. Can you tell me? Pete Holmes. And the thing is, Tom, you know that Pete Holmes knows what you've said about him.

I'm pretty sure. Yeah. He's a person that is aware. That is so funny. Thank you for telling me that name. Okay, continue. So you're in the cellar. It's just his laugh is all it gets.

That's all it is. But so it keeps saying Patti Smith over and over. And then like the fourth time I see her in two days, I'm like, that does it. I got to go say something to her. And, and then I get, she gets in the elevator to go to her room and I get, I jump in the elevator and then there's that moment where I'm like, I'm going to say something that just like, I'm not going to say the usual dumb things that people say to people.

I'm going to blow her out of the water with something she's never heard before, which is just, that's like a flashing light should go off and anyone's when they hear when they hear that thought it's so true because when you meet a celebrity you do you I think everyone goes through that especially someone you really admire you're like I want to prove to them I'm different than these just pedestrian fans that say the same thing, scream McLovin. And like, I want to say, oh, I love that indie project you did. You want to really prove your fandom.

So what did you decide? Oh, well, I thought about, I remembered that I had been in a cab in Memphis earlier that year and was talking to this old grizzled cabbie. I was like, so what bands did you see back in the 70s and he was like ah i saw this band humble pie was the best band that ever saw live they were the greatest so i was like oh well maybe patty smith saw humble pie so i was like so i say to her like how was how are your shows going like And then here comes the neutron bomb.

And I just say, so did you ever see Humble Pie back in the day? And I've never said like back in the day is a phrase I've never said out loud ever. You turned into the grizzled taxi driver. I said it. And the look on her face, she just was like, oh, yeah, that's before my time. And it wasn't before her time. And then she's like, I think she got off at the wrong floor just to get out of the elevator. God.

Then I picture her taking that stairwell in the hotel. To walk upstairs. Realizing the door is no access. Now she has to go all the way back down and like just to avoid the parking garage back up like just to avoid whatever that is so tom it's so funny because i honestly do think that's a good question and if she would have maybe seen humble pie back in the day and had a story she would have really appreciated that question and you don't know what kind of mood she is in or what she's just getting done with or how she's feeling like there's so many factors but that is truly so uncomfortable and what when you

what did you do the rest of the day with yourself after that happened i got off the elevator and my friend john worcester who uh yes you know i do stuff on the radio with he got off the elevator and my friend, John Worcester, who, uh, you know, I do stuff on the radio with, he was in the lobby and he's like, how did it, how did it go? And I told him, and then he looked like,

Oh no, that like, it was one of those things where he's just like, Oh, that story dies right here. Like no one. And then the next time I got on the radio and I was just like, Oh,

I got to tell it. I can't not, I can't let that one die it's too dumb and like your fans have it's become like a thing on your show oh it is it is what i'm known for is that and people say to me just like you ever see humble pie back in the day people use the phrase back in the day to me and it's just like yeah I get it very back in the day well we have to like actually let you go but I just wanted to say before I do um your book I'm really excited to uh to get through the rest of it and I don't mean to say get through I I hate that phrasing um but it's

like it's I just read the story of you going to see Billy Joel last night in New York with friends who um you got like invited by the popular kids because they had an extra ticket to go see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden your first trip to New York alone without your parents you go to New York you go to see Billy and and and you're with the popular boys and they go to Times Square it's a very it's such a great story but I loved the idea of you being like one day the popular crew like invited you in and i just love the way it ends you got to read the book it never ends to find out how that story ends but i wanted to just say to you um the an ex-boyfriend introduced me to the best show which is your uh call-in show that you've

been doing for for so long so funny you and john worcester uh there was one character in particular and i remember i found it on an archive, and it was pre-9-11. I just always remember being like, this happened, I think it was the month before 9-11. That's how I'd always find the clip. And it was,

I gotta go find it, because I think it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that. This guy I was dating showed me this clip, and we had so much fun listening to this over and over that it made our relationship last way longer than it should have. And it was John calling in

as your high school bully, Troy Dershman. Yeah. And I'm assuming that character is called in more than once, but that was, I think, the first time he called in. It's one of the funniest, and you're just, this bully calls in, and the bully is just still trying to bully Tom, even though Tom is very comfortable with who he is now,

but he's still living in this, and he talks like this. It is so good, so funny. Is it on YouTube? It's on YouTube. I'll find it some way and post it because it's just – I try to pull it up every so often for people. And it's one of those things that you set up and you go, I hope this is as funny as I'm selling it. And it always is. It always is.

So that – I just – I've loved you ever since that. So thank you so much for being on the show and and for writing this book and and sending me one um it never ends tom sharpling get his book it's a memoir with nice memories um can't wait to read the rest of it tom thank you so so much for being on the show thank you so much for having me i really appreciate it enjoy the rest of your press today i hope it's i hope it's yeah I hope it's, it's going to be what it's going to be. It's going to be what it's going to be. Thank you. Bye. Have fun talking to Gail King or whoever it is. I did so many Zoom, well, maybe not her, but like I did so many Zoom calls yesterday. You can go, Tom. I'm sorry. You

can leave the meeting whenever you want. Yeah. Thank you so much, Tom show continues though I did so many Zoom interviews yesterday and just this week it's like my life is much like Tom's just one constant like yesterday I did I did a podcast Chicks in the Office

for an hour that was a half hour actually that's a big podcast yeah Yeah, it was so fun. We just talked about The Bachelorette. Wait, isn't that, what's her name? What do you mean, Rhea? From The Office? No, no, no. That's, no, this is a barstool show.

Oh, I know that one, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a lot of fun. She was about to interview Katie from The Bachelorette. The next interview she did, she goes, I have to actually go. We're interviewing Katie. And she goes, I'm going to put her in the hot seat and i was like no way and she

and i go dm me later to tell me how it went and she was like dude i just like grilled her and it was uncomfortable and i can't wait to hear it but um i just want to say that uh yeah though it's it's it's a lot yourself repeating the same stories and like yeah kind of i feel bad for my publicist who have to sit on every call and listen in and i'm just like oh they have to hear this again let's go into final thought and close it out with um your most humiliatingest moment maybe the beginning of this podcast no that wasn't humiliating no i'm sorry that i raised my voice and got emotional like that no i think everyone that listened is probably like finally andrew yeah let her have it this fucking but it doesn't i don't want it to come off like that i

just i just don't no it makes sense and i i'm just saying that i hear what you're saying and i can be that way sometimes but i'm i was just trying to tell you like in my mind, I don't, I want to have credit for the things that I do. And in my mind, I wrote that. So that's why I said something about it. And I wouldn't,

I would always give you credit if, and I didn't think that you were taking credit falsely and just being like, I wrote that. I thought that you thought you wrote it too. Like we both thought like I never, I never would assume that you are taking that you would make up something but it's not even about like these are just it's just like i just don't sometimes i just get upset when i feel like you're competitive with me when when there's no reason to be because at the end of the day

if this is a competition you've won like and i know that sounds like but i'm just saying like career like you've won already like yeah and i guess it is competitiveness but i just don't see it like competitiveness i guess it it is um it's it's it it would indicate that i'm competitive but it's more about just like i like i'll give you credit when I when I know that a joke you wrote for me kills and like I've said before like and that line you gave me killed like I'm not gonna be in denial that I think we both just had a different memory and I just wanted to make it correct as opposed to because I know I remember being proud of coming up with walking lunge of shame and then when I heard you laugh at it I was like he's laughing in a way that he is like celebrating that he wrote that and that's why i had to be like

dude you know i wrote that right that to me but to me but my memory is the complete opposite and i and and i should have been more understanding of that you were having the same feeling of like no i wrote that we were both having the same feeling and knowing the same truth a lot like remember on the show when we both heard noah say mispronounce that thing and. We were both having the same feeling and knowing the same truth. A lot like, remember on the show when we both heard Noah mispronounce that thing and then we were both wrong? I bet Bill Dixon wrote that fucking line. I think Garrett wrote it. Garrett Maransky.

I mean, I will give it to you. If you have it in your notes and have proof that you wrote it, I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way. I'm sorry that I shouldn't hold on way i'm sorry that like i like hold i shouldn't hold on to anything like that though either or it makes me sad that you thought i was in a bad mood the whole night too because of that because i i really promise you i would let you i know when i get pissed about something and then i carry it the rest of the night and i'm like punishing you with silence i've done that before it was i was not doing that that night i think that was a

coincidence i forgot it right after it happened so i know'm sorry. I just and I'm sorry that like I like brought it to the show. I don't know why it just hit. Obviously, I'm competitive, too, in ways, you know, but I just feel like like I came to you yesterday and being like, hey, can you help me? I asked you first. I didn't just run a bit. I haven't done that in so long. Right. And so when I asked for your help and then when it came across to me that you were like saying, well, I did this. And it's like, well, I don't – that should be between us because like it just feels like you're discrediting me to promote yourself to outside people that are listening.

And it just hurts my feelings because like i feel like if i ever help you write a bit like i would i remember like i would never be like nikki didn't do i was the one like yeah that's a problem for me i always have to if i ever give someone a tag or like a line and i'm in the back of the room watching them no matter who is around i have to say i wrote that i have to say, I wrote that. I have to. It's like, and that's why I could never be a writer on a show because I would just be mad that everyone's giving

Sarah Jessica Parker credit for being funny in that moment when I wrote that line, and I want people to know I wrote it. And it's a weird thing from, it's definitely like a character defect of mine of like needing credit for what I do and needing to be in control of it and like needing not letting someone else have the glory that I put the work of the work

that I put in even though you've given me countless lines that you don't ask for credit for but I hope that I do give you credit for those there are lines in my act that every time I say them on stage and they get a huge laugh there's a part of me that's like, God damn it. I didn't write that. Like most of the jokes that people say are my favorite jokes of yours to me. I did not write. And you've written some of them. And I always give you credit.

I always give credit to who wrote those. And I just want you to know, like, like I come to you yesterday because you're fucking brilliant at joke writing and you fucking took what i had that was so such too many words i said uh she thought i was cheating before the cheating line and you fucking scrambled it in a way and made it so concise that of course i give you credit of course that wasn't me like of course you're fucking brilliant at doing that and like i fucking

admire it i need to double down and like take it from you and that is something i will work on because it is annoying and i'm glad we had this talk because it i want you to be able to come to me for joke help and i want to be able to like give you lines and not have and not make you now like scared to like come to me for that because nik Nikki's gonna rub it in my face it is a problem for me that I cannot help that I need to take credit when I do a line and I try to give credit to people who give me lines and I would give you credit all day long I know you know that like I dude there's there's so much shit in my act that you fucking have helped me with and just watching you do stand-up and being around you and talking to you like and then i just feel like i'm just like not competitive with you and that's when it just hurts me is like because it's like like like that the other night because like i had this little win

at least in my mind and i felt like i couldn't even have that yeah and that's why like i have to say that if you take if you think you've done something that I think I've done, I'll probably do the same thing. But that was, it wasn't me trying to take a win from you. It was, it was me trying to take a win that wasn't in my mind, wasn't your win.

And it was my win. So I wanted to correct it, but I was probably, I I'm open to the idea that I was wrong to that in that time. And that you did write that joke. And if, and, and you wrote so many jokes for me

on that show that have killed and i've watched kill that to me wasn't one of them so i needed to correct it and i'm sorry that i let all of that show you but i don't know that your notes are going to prove to me because a lot of times you would be taking notes when i was talking and i'd be like write that down so so this is like one of so i wrote down a bunch of jokes when you know how i would write down a bunch before so it's like you guys look so tense look like your mom just found out your body count uh look tense like you're you owe your bookie money you just spent on a convertible and then i go pack up your colorful board shorts designer sunglasses and fake jewelry to get ready to take the walking lunge of shame out of here. I do think that you were taking a line that I wrote and filling it like the three you

at that point that was you were writing the whole I just got to say Andrew this is just what I think happened there because I remember walking doing walking lunge of shame being so proud of that and we were trying to top it because there was nothing else to do walking out that was like a walking exercise. It's so funny how we remember. And I think in that circumstance i needed the three things at the top that would lead to the walking launch of shame so pack up your blah blah blah blah and those are the things you wrote i i the only reason why i i disagree is

because it was part of like 15 other jokes i wrote but look it doesn't matter like it i will never We'll never know. At the end of the day, back in the day, humble pie. Look, I love you. I love you too. I appreciate your help in everything that you do. And I appreciate you career-wise as well as personal. And if I get emotional, it's just because I- I don't mind it, man. I don't mind. I get emotional too.

And I think you had reason to in that respect. That was annoying of me. And so I don't mind you getting mad at me and yelling or grunting or whatever it was that you did where you go. I never do that. That's okay. I honestly, I can handle that. I really can. So what's the most humiliating thing you've said to a celebrity?

Um, let's end it on something maybe more. I mean, I was trying to think of like the most humiliating thing ever. And it was, it was fainting on stage. It was like the thing I was trying to think on the way back here from this morning, trying to go get my phone fixed and all this shit.

Um, that I was like, what's the thing that you wouldn't want to relive? Cause it was so humiliating. And it was, it was fainting on stage. Cause I just, the way I,

the shame of like, because you didn't treat your body right, which caused you to do that. Yeah. It was the shame of like, I starved myself and smoked weed and like didn't eat, you know? And then it was also the way I reacted after I fainted.

I was so embarrassed that I like lashed out at the crowd and was like, just screamed at them. But I fainted. I mean, honestly, I would go. Just like you said, I would say like the most embarrassing things have been like on this podcast, like the way I've treated you on this podcast has been like humiliating because it's it's just like things you do when you when you're overcome by anger or or fear when you're backed into a corner and you just like it's coming out of your mouth and you

know it's not the right thing to say and you can't help it it's like those moments where I feel out of control of my feelings and I need to be right and it's like when my ego gets in the way and I become it's when I become a burden to people who have signed on to be my fan and listen to me and now they have to hear me be like a terrible person and like they're like we don't want to hear this shit like we like listening to like when I subject people to listening to me be egotistical and insecure and narcissistic. Like those, those glimpses of those sides of myself are really humiliating. And you know,

it happened today and it'll happen again because I do the show every day. And I don't want you to feel badly. I don't want you to, I don't know if you do or not. I forgive myself for it because we landed in such a good spot that I feel like this can be an example of how and we're going to end up here again. We're going to get frustrated

with each other again. Like it's it will happen. You can but I'm letting you know that I can handle the I can handle your anger. I'm not going to respond to it by saying okay then we're done to you. Like I have it within me to if anything,

your anger is good for me because it, it's like a reset button where it like, it'll, it'll kind of like surprise me that you are so frustrated with me and you like can't handle it anymore that you like are going to be screaming. And it makes me realize like, Oh, I've put him into a position where he is responding in a way he feet. He doesn't like to even do what he's doing right now, which is like he's feeling so angry that he has to do this.

Nikki, maybe stop and think about how we can diffuse this and how we can why you've driven him to do this, to behave this way. So I honestly don't mind your anger when it's expressed like that. I actually prefer it as opposed to going in your room and watching Money Heist. I'm on episode nine. It's getting heated. I gotta get to the course. All right, I know.

You gotta go play golf. I gotta take the intro to this show that you've already heard. But be cool. Don't be ka out there. Just be cool. And Tom Sharpling's book is called It Never Ends. Support him if you want, if you like reading.

If you're a Pete Holmes fan. Yeah, and maybe if you're not a Pete Holmes fan. If you're a Billy Joel fan, you'll love this. And thank you, Tom Sharpling. Don't be cut. And jackpot. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right.

I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeart

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Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged

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