The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #85 Gilligan Island of Mouths

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

Between you and Nikki she has specific superstitions. Andrew is lamenting saying good-bye to his girlfriend and Nikki has reopened a book she closed a long a time ago. You Heard it Here First: Phrases that are commonly said wrong but not by Nikki, Andrew has a theory about why men do stupid things on dates and no one cares about stinky celebrities. In the Top 1 Bottom 1, they talk about candy and in the Final Thought Nikki talks about a prank her friend David Spade played on a private jet! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Here's Nikki. Hello. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast. It is Monday, August something. Don't even know. It was Friday the 13th on this past Friday. I read a tweet that said, you know the world is going to hell in a handbasket, something like that, because it's Friday the 13th and no one is commenting on it. It's just like, you know, usually there's a lot of press leading up to Friday the 13th and no one is commenting on it. It's just like, you know, like usually it's, there's a lot of, uh, press leading up to, to Friday the 13th and, um, yeah, nothing. No one, I didn't even, it went by without even me noting that it went by. Uh, Noah, do you have any superstitions about that stuff? Because I always try at the first of the month to say rabbit, rabbit. It's like the

first thing. And by try, I mean, I've never once done it since I was 12 and heard that it's good luck that on the turn of the first of the month you say rabbit, rabbit. I don't know where it came from. Do you have any superstitions, though? I'm not superstitious, but the thing that I keep finding myself doing, no, I'm, I'm non-stitious, but the thing that the stupid thing I keep doing is if I, if I look at the time and it's all the same number, like if it's one 11, I'll make a wish. Yeah. Okay.

Well, one 11, no one's talking about 11, 11. That one is the one that everyone makes the wish on. So if it's like 2-2-2. Right. Like 2-22 or 3-33. Right. Okay. I like that. Maybe I'll pick up that one. And you know what? I don't need another one. Superstitions become so OCD. And I'm sure I would love actually to hear from our besties about the dumbest things you do superstitiously. And I'll recommend the best medication for you to be on to make those stops so you can get on with your fucking day

and realize that none of that stuff. You know what? Actually, now that I've become more spiritual, I do believe in those moments help you pause and maybe connect to something outside yourself. Like as someone who didn't believe in god for a while superstitions i think were my connection to like god or like something something's controlling the way things work and i have to keep them happy

to you know like stay alive or whatever i used to have a joke that um you know I used and I always still do this where not actually I don't always do it anymore but I used to have a thing where you know if I don't reach if I if I'm on a run and I'm like I see the where I want to end if I don't get to the end before this Dua Lipa song ends like I'll just pick something arbitrary that'll just pop in my head then I will not um I will then I will do a b on my upcoming special taping instead of an a like that's the kind of thing it's not like I will fail it I'll just get a b and I don't want a b I want an a and then I'll start just sprinting and the song is about to end in four seconds I'm so I'm a half mile away so it doesn't even make sense I'm setting myself up for failure or like a, if a light, a lot of times I'll be looking in my purse for something. If anyone

does these very specific ones, please let me know because sometimes you do things that you think no one else does. And it's wild when someone goes, I do that too. Sometimes I'll be like digging in my purse for let's say a credit card or like a chapstick or something and I'll be driving right and I'll be at a stop I'll be pulling up to a stoplight it's turning yellow and I decide that if I don't find the chapstick and put it to my lips before I start or before my car stops, like until I come to a complete stop, then bad things will, like, I don't even, I don't even have enough time to decide the fate. Like, I'll just be like, so then I will start just like slowing down and like, just, you know, really inching forward. And then I get so close to the bumper in front of me because I just don't want to stop before I find the chapstick. And then I have to stop and I go, I guess, you know, they are going to cut my joke on F boy Island season or episode eight or something like it's just so stupid. But I used to have a joke that I was really superstitious as a

child. Well, not super, but kind of I use that joke that I used on you before that seemed off the dome, but it wasn't. And I said that, you know, I would be playing basketball in my front yard or not yard, but driveway. And I would say, if you don't make this basket, your sister will be kidnapped. And then I would, um, Oh, I would try so hard to just throw the ball behind my head. Um, like it was, it was a joke like that of like just I would love her to be kidnapped because she was so pretty um the superstitions I have is I say if I say a never statement a superlative of I've never I don't even want to say it right now because I don't I don't have any wood around me you know um and I would have to go knock on what well like sometimes you

look at a door and you're like is that wood or is that like laminate and can I do like a wood if it's inside the wood like if there's a coating on top does that count as wood but if I say a never statement um like let me say uh I've never had a million um I was about to say dollars, but I'm not trying to brag. I don't, that's, that really was shitty of me and revealed too much. I've never had, listen, it's not my money, by the way. I might have a million dollars, but you know this, whatever you have in the bank, it ain't yours. Like I can say that people go

you must be have you reached that point yeah I have I have but I spend so much money to make that money so and I I split whatever I get I'll talk about that in a second but um if I do a never statement like I've never had uh 10 million dollars I'm trying to do one that's positive so I don't have wood around me so it might might happen. I've never had $10 million. If it was a bad thing, I would go knock on wood, I would hit wood three times, knock on wood, and then I go on my head, knock on wood. But I didn't do it. So maybe I will have $10 million someday. That's the only superstition I really actually have. The other ones, you know, if I'll be on a treadmill, which I never am anymore, but I used to do it. Like if I don't finish this four mile sprint by the time the song is done, whatever that is, then I'm going to bomb my appearance on Conan.

And sometimes I wouldn't finish the sprint and I would just go, Nikki, that is your OCD. That is not actually going to happen. But if I did finish it before, I'd go, well, looks like I don't have to prepare for Conan because it's in the cards. Let me talk about the money thing for a second, because, um, I know I hate talking about money or ever complaining about it or, or being like bashful about having money because that's even more obnoxious than just bragging about it sometimes I guess um I have been someone who has had no money before and been very scared and I don't pretend to understand what that's like if you have a family or you know a lot of debt or

anything like that so I have a lot of empathy for anyone going through that and I don't mean to trigger you by talking about money and being like, but I just, I never, you guys know if you're listening to the show, I don't really look at my money ever. I don't really know how much I have because it scares me. And I feel like if I look at it, then I might see, like I might owe something and then I'll have to like give it away.

I don't know. I have all this fear wrapped around it. It's a very very common fear it's the same reason I don't like to go you know that I don't like to call insurance companies and I pay out of pocket for so many things that I could just give insurance for because I'm just scared to talk to people on the phone and have them be like oh yeah um while we're on the phone, you owe us $10 million. We forgot that. And if you don't pay us, you're going to go to jail and lose everything. Like, I'm just scared of this thing that doesn't even happen. But what I will say about money is like, I did for the first time look at, I was like, I was backstage with a meal in Atlantic City,

waiting to go on stage and talking about how I want to bring more people on the road with me, including him. He's going to be on a lot of my dates. And I was figuring out how to pay him or how to make it worth his time because I was once a struggling comic and got brought out. And the money you make at the club is not enough.

It's not a living wage anywhere close to it. And, you know, especially if you're paying for your own flight and hotel, which hotels usually provided. But I was telling him and I was like, you know, it seems greedy of me to not, when you hear how much money I make at these gigs, if you're my opener and then you see how much money you make from how much I'm paying you, it would seem like, well, that's not fair. And I'm, and I'm actually just, I'm not saying that

is what my openers say, because I don't think it is because I do pay them better than most people pay their openers. I would say, I don't know that to be true, but based on my experience, but there's, there's some fear of me having people see how much money I make for certain things I do, because the people I work with might be like, hey, can you give me some more of that? And I want to as when I make more money, I always try to get everyone that I pay, they make more money. Like, you know, I used to make a like, based on the check I would get at the end of the week from a club after I did seven shows it would be I don't even want to say the number but it would be a number that's a fraction of the amount I make doing one theater show now and that's just you know that's what happens when

you get a little bit more famous I'm not at the level of Sebastian yet which by the way when I was at the Borgata in Atlantic City I'm walking through the bowels of this hotel to get to, or casino, to get to my show. And I'm walking with Emil and Andrew and then we're being escorted by security. And they go, you know, Sebastian's performing here tonight as well, not at the same room as I was. And if you want to go to his show later, yours gets out by the time you could make it over to his. It starts at 10. And I was like, maybe. I don't know if I'll want to watch comedy after doing it, but maybe. Hey, by the way, I'm guessing that Sebastian is doing like some kind of arena you have on campus.

My theater was about 1,000 seats. And I go, what's Sebastian's? And they go, thousand I go actually I thought I would be doing a lot worse than Sebastian like just a two thousand seat or discrepancy we both sold out um okay I guess I'm not too far in Sebastian's rear view mirror and they go um he sold out 17 shows uh in like minutes. And he's doing a residency of 17 shows over like three weeks. And I was like, never mind. What's 17 times three? I don't know, 51.

Andrew did that math, by the way, immediately. I was like, I abandoned the math because I was like, I can't do that. So Andrew just goes, it's 51. I was like, well, hello. So that really like shook me and made me realize like, okay, yeah, Sebastian is where I thought he was in comparison to me. But what I will say about it is that when I was talking to Emil, and I never look at my money, and I don't really, I always want to pay everyone as like, I just want people to feel good about working for me and never resent me based on how much I'm

giving them or how much they see I make versus them. And I started just talking to Emil about it and saying like, you know, I can offer you this and I know that seems low, but can I just, let me for the first time ever try to do some simple math and figure out what I'm walking away with over a weekend based on my costs. And Noah, I just want to say that the weekend that I picked, which was San Antonio, doing two shows in one night and, you know, everyone on and uh food um well for myself I guess I you know I bought dinner one night and but I didn't even add that paying Gleb Sobchenko to come out and choreograph did you have to rent uh like a dance studio rehearsal space I did I did I had the we

rented by the hour and that was actually like affordable. I might do that in every town I'm going to because I do love choreographing dances and like adding, I want to like make more and having glub around was awesome. But you know, and let's discount, I didn't even add glub to this when I was doing this math with a meal. And I determined by my loose math. And if my business manager is listening, I do need you to look at what I'm walking away with at the end of the weekend. Because sometimes my agent will message me and go, wow, the numbers were great this weekend. You walked away with debt to debt. And I go, is that the number before, after you take your share and my manager takes a share and my lawyer takes a share and my business manager takes their share from like,

you know, processing all that money like what this this and taxes. So whenever I get a number from them, like this is your gross for the weekend. I just go that is gross. That's an obscene amount of money. That's for me just blathering on stage. I try to give people a good show because I understand how much they're paying for tickets now and I feel undeserving of it, but I'm working towards making a show that even if I suck,

you will still have a good time. That's like my goal because I'm insecure about my talent. Gaining security as every day as I go because I'm actually going to get security because I'm a little scared about people that actually think I'm talented. No, I'm just kidding.

That was just a weird rant. But I might need security down the line. And then that's another chunk. Let me just say, when I hear the big number, I never, ever go, I made this this weekend. What I do is I split it in half. And because my agent manager takes a cut and then taxes, right? So I split it in half and then I add a little. Because let's say like it's probably like 45% is not mine.

I'll never see it. It was never mine. So for someone to tell me I made this much this weekend, I never go, I made that much ever. And when I, as someone, when I look at my, um, any of the, like the money I made for FBoy Island, split it in half and then maybe split that in half too after all the expenses, you know? And so when I did the math, no, I'm not joking you. Working like the DC improv and selling out six shows there over three nights in a small room versus two shows in a theater in one city days I have to get in on a Wednesday do press on Wednesday morning or Thursday morning Friday morning and then I fly out on Sunday I don't hate staying extra days I actually liked that because now flying into a city and then flying out the next day it's really taxing but I made more money in then because all I was paying for was Andrew to open for me and

then also tipping out the waitstaff generously. And then also my manager and agent took a chunk. But like I didn't have a lot of other things like Andrew got put up in the hotel by the club. I didn't have to pay for that now. And it's it's funny, like it all kind of equals out like I'm not making more money actually from this. Is that does that mean that I shouldn't do a theater tour not to me because the reason I'm doing the reason I walk away with less money is not because that's just the way it is it's because I've designed it that way because I want to make it an enjoyable experience like I want to pay for this to be as easy for me as possible my assistant Jen takes

care of all my bullshit so I don't have to ever deal with any paperwork. There's things that make it, now it's very enjoyable for me. However, it is taxing in terms of the travel and really just the travel. That's the only thing that I can't pay someone to do for me is to travel. And sometimes I wish I could pay people to pee for me, honestly. The thing is, it's worth it. And I was talking to Anya about this. And she's like, well, babe, maybe we can work on cutting costs somewhere because this doesn't seem right. And I go, no, I don't want to because I want everyone that works for me to be compensated enough that they feel good about it. And I also want to make it fun

because yeah, I could not have Andrew and Anya open for me and just get a local person that would do a great job. I could not have a tour manager who I really love and pay him. I could pay him probably half of what he's, I could pay someone half of what I'm paying him and he'd feel okay about it because people are so hard up for work like I could take advantage of that and I'm not saying I'm like some kind of fucking hero by the way I'm not paying them like I'm sure my tour manager would listen to this and be like no one would do it for half of what I make bitch but I want I I want to just only do work that's fun from now on. Only work that's fun. And I learned this weekend flying to Edmonton, three flights on the way there, a 15-hour travel day, delays along the whole way. I'm not complaining, by the way. I'm not complaining because I remember that Louis C.K. clip where

he talks about the miracle flight. You don't get to complain about flying. You should be happy that you can fly through the air miraculously like a bird and get from one coast to the next in, you know, five hours instead of, you know, five years and all the people with you would die. He has a great bit about that that he did on Conan and in the special. And it changed the way I perceived that. So I never complain about air travel. But it was three flights there three flights back and to do 30 minutes of comedy but it was worth it you know why it wouldn't have been worth it had I not been able to hang out with David Spade all weekend and his assistant Heather um I made a new best friend in Heather she's someone that you're gonna hear me

talk about a lot just an instant like love at at first sight kind of thing with a friend. But that made it worth it. If that wouldn't have happened, and the show itself was amazing. All the besties at the show in Edmonton, thank you so much. There were some outside of the gate that couldn't get in that were screaming at me. I waved too. I love you so much. There were ones waving in the audience it looked like Woodstock and yet there were people waving to me that I knew were besties um that made it all worth it um but if it wasn't like that I

would have said I will never go to Canada again because I get so nervous going through customs I feel like I'm a criminal it stresses me out and I would have like been like okay no there's something recently that I put my foot down. I go, I'll never do that again. What was it? Hold on. We'll get Andrew in here right after I figure out what it was. I just go, I learned my lesson.

Oh yeah. I will never go on a girl's trip to a hotel and not Google the place that I'm staying again. Learn my lesson. You know, that is not, I mean, that does have something to do with money. Oh, let's get Andrew in here. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

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It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, Marion's there too. Yeah, I got her. Hey, Andrew. How are you? How are you?

Yes, you're in. Oh, They think you're here because I'm talking to someone. Before I was just talking to myself, and now Marion, my dog, thinks that someone's here. Marion, come here. Gosh, you know, it's wild how she is healed.

You remember her wound. Can you hold the scar up? I would love to see it, even though even in person it would be even better. Okay, I'm coming up to the zoom. Wait, hold on. Oh, my God. Wait, what? It's like totally healed.

What a cool scar. That's what I want my stab wound to look like. It's a great scar, And she's totally healed. She is, like, just as normal as ever. She looked like she got bit by a shark. That's how cool that scar is. You know what's not a cool scar is the one that's on my knee after I surgically removed the wart. Did you go at it again?

No, dude, because I was right. I got it out. I miss it. I'm mad I got it out. But you know what? I have a gigantic scar on my knee that people keep commenting on. I see it in photos.

I have to go get laser surgery or something. I need to get... And then the other day I got so depressed. Weird that your own surgery, your own mass surgery that you did to yourself... I just thought it would make it flat and not make a big purple lesion. It looks way worse than it did when it was a little wart. But you know what?

I would do it again. That was so fun taking a scalpel to this baby. And the other day I told my mom and her friend who have designed our podcast studio that I, cause her friend goes, Nikki, your beautiful legs have bruises all over them because they do. But I think she was really looking at this thing that looks like a bruise, but it's actually the scar from my work.

And I go, Oh no, this is a scar from a wart that I surgically removed myself with some scalpels I bought on Amazon. And she goes, she goes, you know, you could use a banana peel for that. Like my mom and her were kind of like banana peels work to get off warts. It's like an old home. Do not try a banana peel to get rid of your wart.

I can actually tell you how to get rid of one if you want to do it in a way that's not with a scalpel. Like there's other ways. But it's so funny that she was like, my mom goes, Nikki, next time use a banana peel. And I go, I would never do that because I don't want to get rid of it. I didn't really want to get rid of this thing. I miss it. And anyway, how's Chicago? How's Brenna? I mean, I do love that they were so like, they weren't surprised. Like, this is such a woman thing. Like, I just get a banana peel and a cheese grater. Like, I mean, I think they were horrified by the fact that I cut it off of the scalp you know what you need to buy you gotta buy a stitch kit you gotta learn how to stitch yourself up no I don't want to do that see I I don't like that kind of surgery if that got me off I would be so happy because there's so many videos of that online

but there's not a lot of like digging out wart videos um as you know like there's just not the content that i want as a wart head it is just not out there popping people send me cysts some i can't even say that word because i'm my invisalign and sorry if i'm sounding kind of lispy today but i gotta wear my visalign uh more like stringently because i need to get through it. I've been on this shit for five years now and it was supposed to be seven months when I originally got it in 2016. You have like the Gilligan Island of mouths. Yeah. What does that mean?

A three hour tour. Oh my God. That's so true. It's like I, I really, this weekend I was like popping them in or out. And David Spade was like, so what's the deal with those? What are you trying to fix?

And I go, oh, it's just like this little tooth that I, it's out a little bit more than the others. I was teased for having buck teeth as a kid. I can't stand the idea of one of my teeth being out more. I'm obsessed with it. They were breakup braces. I was trying to control things that were out of my control. I picked braces. And he goes, I think at some point you just give up because that's so long to be wearing

these fucking gooey trays on your – it doesn't look – I mean they are invisible and sometimes people can't tell. They don't look better than crooked teeth. Like six years of this. Here's the problem with them they're zero to 60 they're invisible in your mouth and then they are the most visible thing on the table when you take them out to eat with someone else like they are insanely visible it's ridiculous how gross they are and when you take them out and i'm so used to taking them out that

i don't get yeah you don't realize it yeah if you don't want to hear the sound of it right now it sounds kirsten said it sounds or maybe it was you someone funnier than me said that it sounds like it's your back cracking was that you andrew i don't know but yeah it does sound like listen sound like picture me cracking my back you know what else you can hear you can hear just a drip of saliva i know i'm sorry everyone who's a misophonic out there and did not want to hear that um how is chicago chicago chicago's great um been having a lot of sex. Almost too much, you know, for me. It's just too much. Just making up for lost time. Let me ask you about, I mean, you couldn't get up there fast enough.

I could tell you were, like, really feeling the absence of your lady before you went up there. Like, you were just jonesing for some sex. I mean, how quickly did you guys... I'll when she she came home from work she goes i need to shower and i go no you don't yeah i'll i'll lick you clean yeah i i did it was like i'll tell you what a long distance relationship the first time you have sex it's's almost worth the month of cheating on each other. Just kidding. Just kidding. Yeah, no, I don't disagree with you.

I think that long distance relationships often last longer because of that heat you develop in that you miss each other, you know, and you can just stretch out a relationship much longer than it would be. Now, you guys didn't start long distance, so you already know that you actually would work if you lived in the same city. You're not under this, like, delusion that you're. But don't you find when you're in a long distance, like, let's say I'm leaving in three days. Let's not talk about the departure on the first day like let it let's just have fun because you already are thinking about the goodbye which is tough yeah you know what I mean and it's

like do you bring that up you've dated a little bit long distance like do you do you talk about the sadness of leaving I mean dude that's all I can think about I can't that's I can't enjoy meals because I know it's going to be over I can't enjoy um series at like uh finales because i know it's about to be over like when i even on our tulum trip i was like episode two huh you can enjoy episode let's say you're going away you're going to go see all right like five days you can enjoy the first three days yeah i think the first two the first three days of a trip of a vacation I don't think about the end at all and then I would say the last two or three days depending on how long the trip is um when it starts to go over the hump and you start to like open your emails again and

start thinking about like what's it going to be like when I get home and like do I have food there like that's when I start getting pretty depressed and then it takes me out of the moment and I can't be in it anymore. I just got a, um, I just got a podcast sent to me. I do friend casts with my friends where we send each other podcasts about our lives, you know, and it's just an easy way to catch up. And my friend recently just sent me a podcast I listened to this morning and she was talking about like a time she was longing for of like when we were together and

she was just like you know I just like look at pictures of it or I like I look at footage and stuff and I just am like thinking about like god I wish we could just go back to that like I just miss that so much and I was doing a podcast back to her today and I said that still exists like that happened and it's still like when someone dies it's obviously like the saddest thing ever because there's no more memories to be made but like you have the times that you did spend together and I also like you still have those I don't know what I'm talking about but what I did say was like next time we are in a place like that where we are all having like she was describing a moment. She was like, I wish we could just be in this one room when we were all giggling and blah, blah, blah.

And I go, next time we are, let's really try to sit in it and be like, God, this is fucking good. God, like right now feels good. And and then why don't we try when things are really bad to treat them like we do about good things, which is, oh, it's going to go away. It's going to go away soon. It's not going to be this way forever. Why don't we ever – when things are bad, I always go this is the way it is and it's always going to be this way. And when things are good, I go this is going to go away soon. So let's flip those if we can.

Yes. So are you guys struggling with that? No. I mean we're good. I just think the first day she was talking about it, and I was just like, why are we talking about this? Because she loves you. Oh, yeah. No, it's great. And if you don't talk about it, there's not going to be a solution.

You know what? Just put another time to see her on the books. If you have that, then there's no worry about parting ways because there's something to look forward to. But I think that's the thing with long distance is like when, as long as the high out, like the beginning of seeing each other outweighs leaving each other, it can, I think when they start to like flip is when it starts getting in trouble. But I'm not saying that.

Yeah. Sustainable. I mean, maybe it is for some people, but I find that there is a the first couple of times are so magical. And those first bangs when you see each other are just great. But then by the end of the week, like you're there a week, like you just start kind of going like, I know there's this hot girl laying next to me that like I would a week ago would have murdered my roommate to bang to even touch this person and now I like she's just she's hot and she's there and I'll fuck her but it's like it and dude I am obsessed I'm not gonna get into it right now I promise you I am freaking obsessed

with the book I picked it up again on my arduous journey to Canada this week, which I traveled 27 hours in three days in airports, in planes. You cut your arm off? You know me. I could have gotten that off in 27 seconds. I love a surgical. Lady, we haven't even took off yet. That's for our 127 hour heads out there.

I love that movie. I've never even seen that movie, but we get the reference. And I didn't even say 100. I said 27 and you just went with it. And I like it. 27, I think, is the best age. I think that's also the age that a lot of people die.

However, I did pick up a book again. I'm starting to read again because reading is a vacation for your mind. It really is. Like, I just need to, as much as when I get depressed, I know that I need to think outside myself and not and either call someone who could really use an ear to listen to their problems. Like I need to be of service to someone or I need to pick up a book and or like jump into a show or something and escape and make someone else's life or like ideas like fill the space that that mine are like spiraling. So this weekend I was kind of spiraling about I saw a picture of myself that I just didn't know that I looked like that. I left the house thinking I looked way

different. And then I saw an angle and I was like, whoa, that's different than I thought. So I started spiraling. Anyway, I decided you got to read again, like immerse yourself in something interesting. So I went through my eBooks in my phone and Noah, you know what book I just decided to pick back up again? And the answer is not Getting to I Do, even though that is a book that I recommend every woman and man read to understand attraction and, you know, building intimacy and finding the right partner for yourself and boundaries and all that stuff. But Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. Noah. intimacy and finding the right partner for yourself and boundaries and all that stuff but cupids poisoned arrow noah thoughts i'm listening um i'm obsessed with it again i started from the beginning because i you know i always read a third of books is it fiction is it it's well you wish because it is not fiction at all. It is a nonfiction book. And you've heard me talk about it, Andrew.

I read this book back in like 2018, I'm guessing. And I was obsessed with it. I talked about it on my show, You Up, all the time and my serious show. Whitney Cummings recommended this book to me as she did Getting To I Do. And me and Noah and Anya became obsessed with Cupid's Poison Arrow, which is a book about orgasms and how they destroy relationships. And women. And women.

The research is so compelling. The way this woman presents her argument, like I'm also reading a book about codependence and narcissists and how they attract each other and how unless you heal your codependence, you will always be magnetized to a narcissist, which I find over and over is like you will never love another codependent. You'll always love a narcissist. It happens over and over again. It's fascinating. It's called The Human Magnet Syndrome is the book that was recommended to me, I think, by Bestie. And the way he writes just doesn't grip me as much. And the evidence is all there, but it's just not the way it's not presented in a way that I can recommend it to my friends and know they're going to stick through it. If you read Cupid's Poison Arrow, I'm imploring Besties to just download the sample and read the first 100 pages on your phone or whatever.

First 20 pages. 100 pages for me is like five pages because I have the font so big. And tell me that you aren't compelled by the research and the anecdotal evidence and the case studies. It's basically saying that the reason that relationships fail is because we're having too many orgasms, orgasms. And I thought of you, Andrew, not because of your relationship, but because one of the opening arguments that I, I missed the first time I read it is why do friends, why do deep friendships never seem to fall apart? But the second, um, that the second you get into a relationship that the relationships fall apart why is that the relationships have such a shorter and more frequent turnaround and shelf life I guess

your answers would be orgasms it's sex it's sex and that is the problem because Andrew you and I have we if you take out the if you if you look at our relationship and our friendship, which I have with anyone that I'm, I'm roommates with that I'm like when Anya and I live together, it was like a relationship, except we didn't touch each other and have sex. Like there's, there's nothing about you and me that would like, aside from the fact that we don't touch each other and have sex, that is really that different from a relationship. And I would say that for all of my best friends, but especially you, because we live together, you know, that's why I'm giving that example. But, uh, why is it that we can maintain friendships and really rarely have falling out with friends? I mean, it does happen, but the relationships always fall apart. And the

answer is sex. The answer is sex. And I And you might say, no, it's jealousy. And it's like, you know, monogamy. That's a whole other thing. Why are we allowed to have, why am I allowed to have a shelf of best friends and my other best friends don't get jealous of those best friends, but yet I can't keep a shelf of lovers. I don't want to keep a shelf of lovers, but why, why, why jealousy? Why this, uh, treating it like like property i guess that's why relationships where you start as friends and then you maybe add sex later could be better those fall apart too she she cites that as like that's because i was even thinking about you because people are always like we're two ways together whatever and i'm like you think it would work based on how close

we are but that's because we're friends and because we don't have sex. That's why we're going to last. It's like if we, if I was best friends with a guy and then I started dating him. But a lot of people get divorced after they stop fucking a lot. You know what I mean? Like, so there's a lot of relationships where you stop having sex. No, this isn't about stopping having sex, by the way. Not having orgasms is not about,

it's actually more sex, more foreplay, more intimacy, more cuddling, more slow building of sex. It's no orgasm. So people always go, but Nikki, I like sex. It's like, no, you're going to have more, but it's just no orgasm because orgasms are for procreation. And when you have an orgasm,

and this is my final thought of this spiel, and I'll be talking about this a lot because I'm actually going to finish this book and try to remember. I'm highlighting things. I'm studying this book the way that I would if I had a final exam coming up in a nightmare that I had last night, actually, where I was trying to get to class. But final thing is that the blanket statement here is that orgasms are things that are made to have to procreate. And 1% of couples having sex, let's say one, that's probably generous, are trying to conceive a baby. So why are we all doing something that only 1% of people,

relationships are actually trying to do what it was meant to do? It would be like, there was a great example in the book. It would be like having like birthday cake every single night of your life because it's a thing you can do when really only 1 person, less than one percent,

one out of 365 are really having a birthday that day and deserve the cake. Like you don't, just because it feels good and it's what you want does not mean it's making your life better. If we did everything that felt good, because people go, I love orgasms. They're all, I love them. The research states that after you come, you get depressed, you get anxious, you get clingy. This is for a woman in the two weeks following. There's bliss for a day of up to two or three days after. And then it plummets and you get anxious, clingy, depressed. For men, instantly after an orgasm they want something new there's a study with rats where a rat is uh

put into a cage with a female rat and he's horny as fuck and they fuck a lot well how hot is this rat i'm so hot both both rats are super hot but actually that's true because they pump the woman with hormones that make her having like spray yeah Yeah, like her asshole smells good. You know, whatever it is, they pump her with hormones so that she's super hot to this rat. So listen to this, Andrew. The rat fucks and fucks and fucks.

The male rat populate. They have a ton of sex. The rat jizzes. And then the rat passes out in the corner from being tired, from exhaustion. And then the female rat is still going like, come on,'s pumped with hormones more more more and the male rat is just like oh you know i gotta get up early and i'm just like i just don't feel good i think i ate too much and like i you know just kind of like you maybe let's watch your favorite show he's like on tiktok

or whatever and then they take that female rat out and this is right after the male rat is sleeping and pushing the female that he just fucked out they take that female out and they put in a new female that's pumped with the same hormones that female has guess who's ready to go again right away that fucking rat it wasn't about not wanting to fuck anymore and that he was exhausted it was about he didn't want to fuck the same thing because he already came in it. When men come... Oh, rats.

Let's get to the news. Wait, I have a question, though. No. Fine. Damn it. We'll be talking about this all this week. I just want our besties to read Cupid's Poison Arrow and I would love to hear what you think about it. Okay, all right.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. You heard it here first, folks. No one's allowed to cum until Nikki says so, which will probably, you're probably going to die with cumming. I don't want to have orgasms anymore. I really don't.

I'm not doing it. I'm going to test it. Okay, but as a guy, you need to cum 21 times to keep your prostate healthy. What do you say to that? Bullshit. I think it's the same as circumcision. Oh, you got to do it because there's dirt in your foreskin. It's just like, shut up.

It's religion. It's dumb, and shut up. You just, it's religion. It's dumb. And it's for aesthetic purposes. And we've glamorized a circumcised dick. And now everyone's making scientific arguments for it. And it's just, yeah, maybe they get infected more often if there's a, you just need to teach a baby and a man proper hygiene. And I think that would solve it rather than having to slice a baby's dick open seconds after it was born. What?

Can you come on your own? No. No. So if you're in a relationship, you can't come on your own either? No. The thing is, like, I'm not even joking you. I stopped smoking weed a week ago. And for me, weed – and by the way, they've done brain scans for men who have orgasms.

And the same – an orgasm is not a penis event. Or a genital event. It is a brain event. And when they do scans of brains. For men having orgasms. The parts of the brain that light up. It looks exactly like a heroin addict. Shooting up. And it's a drug.

You have a disease. That follows an orgasm. The depression. The anxiety. That follows an orgasm, then makes you want to have another orgasm to fill it. So when I stopped smoking weed a week ago, the anxiety I had of not smoking weed made me want to smoke weed, but I worked through it. And now I don't have, I don't have that urge anymore. So it's, it would be tough at the beginning to not have orgasms.

And she, in this book, she presents a type of love making that you can have that is without orgasm that i haven't gotten to that part so i don't know what the sex looks like without orgasm noah definitely read the book and knows it's called carezza but um we'll get into it later let's get to the news what's the first story all right first story first of all i hope you're having all the swells out there. You had a great weekend. And no worries. Ten common phrases people constantly get wrong and how to say them correctly. Wait, can I guess some of them? All right. You ready for some of these? All intensive purposes.

That's literally the first one. Yep. That's the one that everyone always gets wrong. It's for all intense and purposes. For all intensive purposes. What should it be? All intense and purposes. What should it be? All intents and purposes. Yes.

Not intensive. I mean, that's wild. It's not wild. It's just such a common one. I think it might seem like I am blowing your mind right now, but that's just one that happens all the time. What's number two? That's the only one I got.

I could care less. Oh, I could care less. I couldn't care less. If you could care less, then it's something that, yes, I couldn't care less. But you know what? I could care less works for me if you mean that you actually could care less about something. And the truth is when people say I couldn't care less, yes, you could. There are things that are more boring.

So I could care less is actually more accurate. Because when people go, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, I go, you wouldn't wish your flight being delayed seven hours on your worst enemy? Your worst enemy is probably, for me, it's Trump. I'd wish that on him. That's a phrase that actually doesn't, or this is the best barbecue. It's the best barbecue in the world.

Have you tried all the barbecue in the world? You can't say that. You don't know. It's the best barbecue I've tried in the world? Yes. You know my stepbrother, his joke, his big joke, Jake the Snake, he'd always go, his existence? What? Yeah, spaghetti big joke, Jake the Snake. What? He'd always go. His existence?

What? Yeah, spaghetti for dinner. And he'd go, man, this is the best spaghetti I had all day. That's cute. It's like, it's the only spaghetti you had today, Jake. I like that joke. I had a dream about you and your brothers last night. I had a dream about you last night.

What? Yeah, and Conan was there. What? And a dog almost got hit, and then I screamed in my sleep, and Brenna was awake when I screamed. It was so embarrassing. Was I telling you about no

orgasms? It sounded like I had one. Alright, ready? It's so embarrassing when people hear you wake up from your nightmare. Oh my god. I went, I went, I go, can you do the sound and that's what she she goes yeah you were like oh so humiliating i once was in a tent with my mom and sister on a camping trip and i remember having a dream that i was like in a miss america pageant

and they are just i heard them kind of like stirring i was like half awake and I woke myself up saying my name is Nikki Glaser like I was saying it was so embarrassing all this is embarrassing is when my dad told us about having a wet dream in front of this family as they were all watching tv as a kid I mean that's got to be the worst you guys best, send us in voice memos of things you've said in the company of others when you're sleeping or waking up from a nightmare that are embarrassing. I would love to hear them because they're already making me laugh just thinking about it. Well, I thought a dog was about to get hit by a truck. One of the toy poodles I used to walk.

Wait, is it good? I forgot that dreams are interesting. So let's get back to mispronunciations. Okay. Let's nip this in the bud. Oh, nip this in the bud. Bud. Yes.

Yeah. As in take action to stop a bud from growing into a full flower. I thought that's what it was. Okay. Let's do another. Give me more. I mean, this is blowing my mind. What?

Do a 360. Yeah. You're going to do a 180. If you do a 360, you're going to end up right where you are. Yeah, I did a complete 360. And let me guess, drum roll for one that definitely has to make it literally. I don't see literally on here. I say literally so much.

But figuratively, you're wrong. It's so embarrassing, and I got to stop doing it. But I say literally a lot and it's an issue. Well, say, what should you say instead of literally? Not say it because it's not literal. You know, when people go, it sent like, I've heard Oprah a lot of times go,

and it sent literal shockwaves through the nation. It's like, unless you're talking about an atomic explosion, there's nothing that literally sends shockwaves through the nation. Ah. Right? So it should be figuratively.

Yeah, yeah. Metaphorically. But that doesn't sound nearly as, yeah, yeah. You should just say shockwaves. Yeah, you can say it sends shockwaves through the nation. You don't need to say literally because then that presents, you know, like it's going to be literal. Could have. Could have.

Well, this says should be, could have, and should have, or should of, should have. I used to have a problem with this. Should of? Yeah, I used to think should of instead of should have. Oh, should of. Like I'm thinking of should of as in should apostrophe V-E. And I think that is proper like to combine them and use an apostrophe. Oh, yes. But should of, like when I see I should have done this or could have, yeah, that's wrong.

Okay, let's keep going. I love these. First come, first serve. The first person to arrive will be the first person served. Wait, hold on. First come, first served. Yes. Okay.

Get the next one. Unless come, first served. Yes. Okay. Get the next one. Unless you're... Okay. Doggy dog world. Doggy dog world. Dog eat... Let me disagree. It's a dog... A dog eat dog world. Dog eat dog. Yes. Dog eat dog world. A world in which people will do anything to be successful. We know what that is. Yes. We don't need to define them.

It's a doggy dog world out there. Yeah, they keep doing them. Just list them out and let me just like one at a time. No, that's it. That's all of them. Oh, that's it? Okay, next story. It's a doggy dog world on this podcast.

Yeah, I mean, you should have jumped to the next one sooner. Should have. Oh, oh, that's right. That's right. Listen, you pulled a real 360 there. Oh, then and then okay all right next story i miss you brad i'm still here okay a new york city subway driver is in trouble after letting his girlfriend conduct the d train oh my god i heard this

for several stops and she posted the photos on Instagram. I mean, what an idiot. And the people that run the train systems are generally so well-trained and really take their job very seriously. And I respect the MTA transit people. I guess that's saying ATM machine. I respect the MTA so much. And, you know, there's always like if you strike it, if you assault an MTA employee, you will spend eternity in prison. Yeah. And this guy, I mean, I don't know. It just kind of reminds me of, well, I was on a private jet this weekend, I want to say.

Did you get to fly it? I could have. That's what I'm saying. I could have. Could have. But I didn't because the cockpit, it was so weird to see the cockpit open, the door open. I wanted them to close it just in case David Spade decided to, you know, hijack everyone. Like I just wanted it closed so that and I'm not even joking you. At one point, we, I got it. He sent a picture. I'm going to ask if we can post it on our story.

Noah, please follow up with me to get this because I always promise things are going to post on our story and I never do it. And I apologize to besties because I want you to be able to see these things. At one point, he sends a picture to me and his assistant Heather while we're flying. And he was like, and we thought it was Photoshop because it shows the pilots showing each other a clipboard and it has like a graph on it. You know, it looks like they're like looking at coordinates and it's a graph that has like, it's this thing that's been circulating around like a meme

where it's like, is this a rabbit or a duck? And they are looking at it and it looks like they're like sharing coordinates. and it looks like they're like sharing cord like it looks like they're like talking about the flight plan but it is they are both talking about whether it's a duck or a bunny and i'm like this is why we closed the door because this is what they're all doing up there and we don't need to see this shit but i i could have like sat on their lap and and did she actually have the controls of it do we do we see her i mean she was i don't was it her birthday to control also she's hot he's trying to get laid i mean he's trying to

impress her it can't be that hard um to to hit go and stop and then someone's telling you like it's not that big it was take your girlfriend to work day. Yeah. We forget that. He does make $118,000 a year. As they fucking should. Yeah, it's good money. And after my monologue at the top, let's be honest, he's walking away with $51,000 when all is said and done, I'm guessing. No, when you present a salary, cut it in half and then take a little bit more away. Here's the problem.

What? If she just let him come in the morning, she never would have drove that train. So you're saying that to protect the New York City public, women need to let their guys come. Yes. That is maybe chapter 18. And there is an addendum to Cupid's Poison Arrow that says you can come if you are a D train operator. And the fact that you don't come might lead you to give your girlfriend the responsibilities of driving your train. Okay. You to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio appays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened.

And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Steffens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me too happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade and I called to ask how I was doing.

She was like, oh dad, all they were doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower. What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh my God, it's go time.

You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor at large for jobs and career development. And my show, Get Hired, brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom

or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display? You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it.

You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever

you like to listen. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention i am here to call it as i see it and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes you are not a real fighter you will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice, and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously, both are real characters.

It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting listen to the i am rap report stereo podcast on the iheart radio app apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast let's get to why do i care why do i care all right uh that nicole brown says that deodorant lists matthew mcconughey smells like granola. So as we know, a lot of people, a lot of celebrities are in the news for not showering, not letting their kids shower. Apparently Matthew McConaughey was quoted as saying that he doesn't wear

deodorant. So this actress really smelled them really hard and said, okay, that he smelled great. That he smelled like he has, this is more of his run of becoming president. You know, it's just this is the press machine trying to get the word out.

I don't care about this at all. I'm so tired of... I don't even... Of course he smells like granola. He looks like he does. And... He looks like... Yeah. I don't know. I feel like even... When Brenna was, I need to shower, and you still wanted to fuck her.

You probably smelled Brenna when she had BO. Does it really sicken you to the point that she's unlovable? I mean, we aren't supposed to not smell, I don't think. Well, there is that hippie smell that if it isn't treated for long enough, it does get pretty. I mean, humans can smell really fucking bad after, you know, a month or two of not showering. But yeah, if you shower and, you know, your armpits smell a little bit, I think. Yeah, I think you can overlook it if you're fucking fucking Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, I think that it's yeah yeah it's probably i wanted to share uh rihanna posted something the other day of all these people

saying she smells good and she said like just saying it is have you guys heard of how rihanna smells good and how everyone says it and it's like a thing i couldn't believe this hold on let me find the clip god she posts a lot perfume or oh she already took it down hold on like a thing i couldn't believe this hold on let me find the clip god she posts a lot perfume or oh she already took it down hold on i'm gonna i'm gonna find it though um smell good no it's like it's every celebrity people talking anecdotally about meeting her and how she okay she shared a video montage let's see if oh it's on twitter i mean what's that line though there's something like if it smells like a fish it's a dish if it smells like perfume leave it alone or something oh no i'd never heard of that but that smells like cologne leave it alone oh like

people that overcompensate yeah i mean i've been wearing your girlfriend's cologne that she gave me not cologne but um the the scent because it. Because it's one that I can travel with. Because it's so small. And it smells so good. And I feel really. But this made me very insecure. I don't wear perfume a lot. Because the one time I wore a fragrance.

And I was working with. What is his name? Bobby Slayton. He was the headliner. We were in Tahoe. Over 10 years ago. And I put on Britney Spe spears perfume that smelled good to me and and i as someone who i like respected probably wore it so i like was like oh i trust

that it smells good and he goes oh jesus christ no and like really made me feel and i never from that point ever wanted to wear perfume again but But listen to this. Can I ask a question now? Oh, okay. Listen to this Rihanna, like this thing about Rihanna smelling good. It starts with little Nas reading, like these are all just like clips of different people saying she smells good. And what she says is just saying, okay. Wait, okay. So it says, he goes, there's a thing that says, what's your favorite smell? What's your favorite smell? Rihanna.

He smells good. Cardi B. Yes. Yes. You smell so good. Thank you. Rihanna smells so good. Had like really, really soft scent.

Jennifer Lawrence. And like smelled really good. Isn't that Rihanna? That's crazy. She smells so good. What does she smell like? I can't even describe what she smells like, but it was one of those things that literally left a memory on my mind when I walked away. Like, damn, she smells good. What does it smell like? I can't even describe what she smells like. But it was one of those things that literally left a memory on my mind when I walked in.

Like, damn, she smells good. What does it smell like? Heaven. Smells like heaven. What does she smell like? Like dreams and wishes coming true. When I met Rihanna, she smelled amazing. And she just got off stage.

She smells. I mean, you guys, this is only, this is half the video. It keeps going. It's just random people being like, she smells so good. I cannot wait to smell her someday. I want to know what it is. I saw her. She walked by me.

Oh, yeah. Did you get a whiff? I did not. I wish I did. When did you see her? Oh, yeah. In the hotel that you were at. At the Bowery hotel

yeah she walked by and uh i don't know part of me thinks though if someone's if everyone's like she smelled like they almost expected her not to smell so good no i think it's just like alarming sometimes you just meet someone and you're like jesus christ you smell good i'm trying to think of like do you like i know a lot of girls don like cologne, men cologne when men wear cologne. Do you like it or not? I like it. There's a little part of me that's like, what are they covering up?

But it just shows, I mean, I think, I think it smells good. I think it shows that a man like cares about his appearance and like hygiene. And like, he'll probably have a nice, like,

like ball and penis situation too if he is caring about spraying cologne. If it matches everything else going on, if it's a guy that's wearing disgusting clothes and also smells good, then I'm like, oh, he's Febrezing. He's covering it up. But if it's just like he looks like a guy that smells good and then he smells good, I'm like, oh, that makes sense.

But what was I just going to say? Noah was shaking her head that she doesn't like oh you don't know i'm i do not like cologne on men i would prefer nothing i would prefer bo to be honest oh i love the smell of a man i loves bo like if when i'm in love or like i think it's love. It just makes they smell so fucking good. And I, you know, I'm on record as picking up dirty underwear, like not dirty as in like it has something on it, but like underwear that's on the floor and just huffing it like computer duster in a rag, you know, like really like like like I want, like, I just love it. Like you're huffing paint. That's when I know I love someone is I'm just like, I want to get in that armpit and like get it. And I've really let go of being worried about not smelling right down there or like tasting

wrong or something down there. A, because I've tasted men's faces after they've been down there and it's grade A. And I've licked fingers after they've been in there. And I know that it's not bad. But also, even if it's bad, if the guy loves me enough, it's not going to be a problem. And I honestly don't let anyone down there that I don't trust and might talk shit about me if I was having a bad day. Yeah, and even a bad whatever it like it's like lasagna like a bad lasagna is still pretty damn delicious sometimes i mean vagina looks like this the side of lasagna like all the layers like the wavy layers yeah yeah like a tiramisu yes no more like

like pasta layers like the lips kind of resemble a layered lasagna, a vegan lasagna. All right, let's get to... As long as there's no ricotta in there, I guess. Oh, yeah. No, I haven't. I thought I was getting a UTI the other day, and thank God that it went away. I've been blessed with not having a lot of stuff going on. Like there would be times at Sirius, there was a while at Sirius when I would go to the bathroom and every day I would be like, there, someone is leaving behind a cloud of BV, bacterial vaginosis, where it's like their pussy just reeks and it like stays in the room,

not because they put a pad out or something like it's, it permeates and you just feel so bad for girls that are suffering with that. And, um, I would just look into your diet or, I mean, I don't know if you have that going on. I hope someone would tell you because I think that when you smell, you get used to your smell. Because that's an evolutionary thing we've learned. Yeah. Is that you get used to smells so that you can smell new smells that might be a threat to you. So that's why we get used to our own smell and can't smell our own smell. Let's get to top one, bottom one. Today's category is...

I love this one, Nikki. Candies. Yes, candy. I don't know why I was like, God, we've probably done it before because it just seems like such a fun one, but we haven't. We're going to talk about our top one, bottom one, candy. Andrew, can you kick us off with your bottom candy? My bottom one candy drum roll is sweet tarts. It sounds like a candy, actually, a drum roll. Sweet tarts. Sweet tarts.

Or the heart things that you get on Valentine's. Those are disgusting. They're like paste. It's like eating fucking, what do you draw with on a board yeah chalk chalk it's just chalk it's like chalk with letters get out of here let's start with um the sweet tarts yeah sweet tarts don't do shit for me either what what is it about the sweet tart you do not like because it ain't sweet it's sour what about a shock tart are you not into? Because it ain't sweet. It's sour. What about a shock tart? Are you not into a shock tart?

That's sour. Or like a sour, any sour candy. You just don't like sour. I don't. For some reason, I don't mind Sour Patch Kids. And I don't mind the lemon things. The war, not warheads. Lemon heads.

Lemon heads. I don't mind lemon heads. Okay. I don't know what it is about sweet tarts. What about't mind lemonheads. Okay. I don't know. What about sweet tarts? What about a ledgehead? I mean, I'm dating one, so I got to say I love them. And you're dating a sweet tart, if you ask me. A sweet fart, if you know what I mean.

But yes, but more than anything, I was thinking sweet tart, but then getting to the hearts on Valentine's Day, that's the shittiest candy on Earth. I'm not joking you. Because people value it. If we did a top five, bottom five, candy hearts for Valentine's Day would be in my top five. One of my favorite candies of all time. For bottom? No, top.

For top? Dude, I love those hearts. And I don't even read what they say because I just put them in my – I've made myself – I once ate so many of those around that time of year Christmas I ate so many of those one year um that I was severely hungover the next day I I've had the further I've heard about this you know in my eating disorder communities of people being addicted to sugar and having hangovers the next day like akin to alcoholic hangovers and I never understood it and now that I'm remembering there was one time and I had quit drinking years prior and I had not had a hangover and I felt so sick the next day

because of how many I ate and I haven't been able to eat them since it was like Jaeger you know like it like ruined them for me but I really love those love is it the sentimental or no no it has I don't even read them I don't like I they could be in the shape of a piece of poop and I'll be like they not have any color to them and and have written in interesting you know Taliban when you eat fun dip do you like the stick? Oh, I hate the fun. I hate the sugar because it's that tucky. And it's like, I need it to be like less. I like the stick.

I don't like that. I didn't like the sugar. That's wild. Because it becomes like cotton in your mouth. You're like. I don't like it. Consistency is most of this with me. But for some reason.

I asked you about the stick because the stick's very chalk like. Yeah, I love it. Sweet Tarts, though, I agree with you. I do not like... I asked you about the stick because the stick's very chalk-like. Yeah, I love it. Sweet tarts, though, I agree with you. I do not like the consistency and I don't like the flavor and I would eat them as good, but not my favorite. Noah, what is your

bottom one candy? Okay, I just want to say for Andrew, I hate sweet tarts, too. But what I hate even more than sweet tarts are Whoppers. They kind of malt.

Whoa. You don't like malt? No malt for Noah. Okay. Is it the consistency or the taste? The consistency and the taste. You know when they would give you powdered milk or something? Okay.

Yes. It just feels like that. I'm just putting that in my mouth covered in chocolate it just grosses me out it's almost like astronaut dessert like fun dip for me gives me that powder of like it just needs to get wet why is it so dry like i don't like it but um whoppers do not they're it's not like pieces of powder it's like a it's like a ball of it and um I strongly disagree. I love Whoppers, but I do understand an aversion to a candy that's so strong like that.

And there are some candies that start out the first 20. It's the best thing you'll ever eat. Then the last 20. Like Whoppers for me, I get them when I go to the movies. Fantastic. First 20. And then they really depreciate pretty quickly. Yes. Kind of like orgasms.

What's your bottom? My bottom one is going to be very controversial and I'm sorry to everyone about this. Oh my god. I know what you're going to do. What? Starburst? No, no, no. Oh. Love a starburst. I would almost say it's more controversial and I'm not trying to be

honestly I really thought about this and I go is this your least favorite candy and it truly is whoa Reese's peanut butter cups I not let me just say it's all about consistency you guys it's all about consistency I do not like I like the chocolate on the outside but I don't like that it's like too cakey and dry in the middle it needs to be creamier maybe i had a bad one at one point butterfingers also don't care for i don't like i didn't used to just didn't just not like peanut butter um tasting things as a kid and um but reese's i would never grab a reese's now reese's

pieces i'm putting in my top five so So it's not about the Reese's company. It is about the cup itself. It's about the inside of the cup being a chalky kind of dry peanut butter, and I don't care for it, and I don't understand the appeal. So you would want it more wet in there somehow, like a caramel kind of texture. Yeah, or just like more wet, like that dryness. I just don't like when you crack it open.

It just looks – I just don't like when you crack it open. It just looks. I just don't like it. All right. Let's get to our. I can't explain it. And I think a lot of it's left over from my childhood. I do think that I've had Reese's Cups that I've been like, okay, this is decent. But it's never going to be my favorite.

What about the egg? The egg or the Reese's egg? I've never had a Reese's egg because I wouldn't even go there because why, why waste the sugar and the calories and like the fat of, and the process nature of candy on something that you just don't even like. And Noah, what your question again, sorry. What if it's partly melted? Like if it's been in your pocket and then it's, that would be more appealing to me. Just like Maria Bamford said in her special where she'll put like a protein bar in the glove compartment.

And she goes, and I pull out a protein bar out of the glove compartment. Mmm, fresh out of the oven. It just always makes me laugh so hard. I would prefer a melted one. Thank you for asking, and that is absolutely true. Let's get to our top one. Andrew, your number one candy. Man, this is tough. I mean, there's one that I go to the most because it's always around

and that's just the old school Snickers. Yeah. Yeah. But if I had to go by taste, there's a lot of candies that are always around. I mean, you're acting like I keep bowls of Snickers just around your bedside table, which, you know, wouldn't fit because there's too many cans. But why? There's a lot of candies that are always around. There's Twix. There's a crunch bar. They're in Walgreens and stuff.

I'm talking about if let's say you go to a golf country club, they usually have maybe two bars. So you're saying the candy at a that is of choice for you to have at a golf club of those candies snickers is your favorite okay i didn't know that it was the only one specified and and then a take five is fantastic yeah take fives are uh with the pretzel caramel maybe some nougat in there. Take Five is a trip. It's really fun. A lot of different things going on there. Snickers,

I think most people that have Snickers have fallen for the marketing that it's somehow nutritional. It's giving you energy and it's better for you than other candies. And I know you're someone who's very susceptible to marketing,

and I think without the Hungry Why Wait commercials, you wouldn't have answered Snickers just now. Is there anything to that? Potentially. I mean, look, yes. Have you ever read a Snickers label and seen the amount of sugar and fat and, like, what goes into them? And, by the way, I'm not judging you for having them because you're not a fat guy. Eat your Snickers.

Like, you – Yeah. No, I don't. I've never read – maybe I saw the calorie count as, like, 140 or something. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking at that sugar more than calories. And I just think a Snickers might be more sugar than you should have in a year probably.

I just think Snickers is a boring answer. But we're talking about candy. It's a very basic bitch answer. No, it's not a bitch answer. I think that people love Snickers. I don't eat candy anymore because I don't eat sugar, or I avoid sugar, and I don't crave it anymore even though candy used to be the only thing I cared about as a child and all I wanted to do was become an adult so I could just eat candy like I couldn't believe that

adults can just eat candy all the time and like didn't do it it just like I would go to the mall and go to Sweet Factory and just get spend $7 which back in the 90s $7 of Sweet Factory candy was a lot I mean that was an absurd amount to spend on candy and just eat those peach rings,

the little sugary watermelon slices, the ropes, the strips of sugar, like sparkly sugar on those long strips that looked like sport tape. Loved it. I'm not a Twizzler. Fuck Twizzlers, by the way. Yeah, my parents loved Twizzlers. They always had themizzler. Fuck Twizzlers, by the way. Yeah, my parents loved Twizzlers.

They always had them on hand. And Twizzlers and Goobers. Goobers are great. And fuck Whatchamacallits. Well, I want to know. Whatchamacallits? Well, I actually love Whatchamacallits. I've never had one.

And I love Rolos, too. Oh, my mom loves Rolos. My mom loves Sixlets. My mom's favorite candy is a Sixlet. So if you have any kind of connection to sixlets, send them my way. So, Noah, what's your number one? My number one, and I chose it as number one because I can't find it anywhere anymore, are Crybaby Tears.

What? Hold on. Are you sure that's not a band you like? No. So it's this sour candy, and it stayed, like, what I loved about it is it stayed sour until the end. Oh, my God. I've literally never even seen these, babe. I've never heard of them.

They look like teardrops. I used to love stuffing a bunch of them in my mouth. What? And just, like, seeing how much sour I could take. And so it takes, it's nostalgic and you do like, you like sour. And this guy looks like you a little. He looks like the old version of Bart Simpson. Yeah, he does.

He looks like the original Bart Simpson or like the original sketch for Skeeter on Doug. I mean, this is so funny that you like these. I have never heard of them before and I am a candy connoisseur. And I will get to my number one candy. Yeah, what's your number one, Nick? Honestly. Let me guess. Let me guess.

You're not going to guess it, but take a shot. I just don't think you know. Now you put it that way. This might be like the cry babies of you guys. Yeah, then I won't get it. I won't get it. Okay, let me say, before you jump in and comment, let me say my favorite candy is Smarties.

Now, before you jump in, I am not talking about the American Smarties. I am talking about the Canadian chocolate candy-coated M&M. It's like a large M&M with a thicker coating. It has pastel colors. And the way they crunch in your mouth when they are, I would say, slightly warm in your pocket is just heaven. I love Smarties. They are the only candy I will ever eat for the rest of my life.

I treat myself to them when I go to Canada. I didn't get any this time. But they just nailed it. I feel like M&M's and Reese's Pieces, the candy coating is not crunchy enough. This one is probably three to four times the amount of candy coating.

It's not hard to crunch, but it gives you a little bit more of a pressure to get through. They're bigger, and they come in these little tiny boxes i fucking love a smarty and let me just even say other canadian candy that is amazing arrow aero's because they have little bubbles in them that makes them fluffier and like not as condensed as chocolate i need my i like a moussey type thing um so smart canadian smarties are my favorite

please do not send me them because i I really can't control myself around them. What came first, the American Smarties or the Canadians? I would assume the American Smarties because that might be my worst, actually. I didn't even think of these. I love Smarties. American Smarties, too. No, they're like the hearts. I love them.

I like them. And I know what you mean by having a bad consistency, because I don't like the consistency of Fun Dip, of Sweet Tarts, of Shock Tarts. I thought it was a disgusting consistency. I love sprees, though. I like a spree. I like a chewable spree. Sprees are great.

A chewy spree. I'm never about the color of a candy. I think it's all not really different. But a purple spree, aside from, you know, Starburst. Final thought. What is everyone's favorite color of Starburst? Andrew. If you say red, I'm going to walk out of the room.

See, this is the thing. I knew you were going to say I'm a basic bitch with my Starburst, with my Snickers, with my life, with my clothes. I would have to say it's pink. Yes. And pink. But pink is so unoriginal. No, it's not. It's the best.

I mean, I could say yellow and be. No, yellow is really good, too. Noah? My favorite is pink. Yep. Also. Me, too. Okay.

Pink is the best. Yeah, I mean. Everyone says pink. But then if you're going number two, are you going to go yellow? Are you going to go red, orange? Or like what's another flavor? I'd go red, then orange. I would go red last. Red has this like very bitter.

Agreed. Let me ask you this. Weird. If we're going outside of the original Starburst pack and we're going to like, do you remember the green pack? It was like more tropical flavors. Yes. The watermelon one, the dark green one. original Starburst pack and we're going to like, do you remember the green pack? It was like more tropical flavors. Yes.

The watermelon one, the dark green one that had like the red writing on the dark green was delicious. That one's so good. Noah, what are you, what are your thoughts on Snickers? On Snickers? Yeah. I can't eat it anymore. Okay. So how I psyched myself out of eating candy is I just read what's in it. on Snickers. Yeah. Uh, I can't eat it anymore. Like I, okay.

So how I psyched myself out of eating candy is I just read what's in it. And when I start to read stuff that I don't understand, it just turns me off from it. So I haven't had a Snickers in a long time. And now when I eat it, it's like too sweet. So I don't like it. Some, sometimes I think if you looked at the ingredients of your favorite toy as a

kid, and then a candy bar, there, there's candy bar, there's some mix and match there. Yeah, it's true. Like, wait, do toys have ingredients? I feel like they're made in the same factory. Like, I think the last thing for a toy is, like, to not make it edible. I've never seen ingredients on a toy. Oh, if you look on the back of where if you bought the box, there'd probably be ingredients.

I'm just saying that I just feel like toys and candy are built in the same factory. I get the joke. I like it. You're right. They say, you know, I remember when I was first starting to think about being vegan, I was really broke, and I always got the grilled chicken breast at Subway, and I would put that on my salad. It was so good.

The consistency. I was like, I'm going to miss eating Subway because they didn't have veggie patty at the time at the ones that I was going to. Veggie patty? I love the veggie patty even though I think there is some kind of binding. No, you said veggie patty.

Veggie patty? I mean, it kind of tastes like that honestly. I think I did say veggie patty. But I remember a girl saying she goes if you looked up the ingredients in the chicken you would realize that it's not chicken you can eat it it's probably vegan because there's just so little chicken in that it's like a yoga mat you know um i will say that like if you're someone out there who loves Snickers and loves a candy bar type thing, I have sweetness in my life.

Like you need to get off the candy to recalibrate like what you think is sweet. And you know when people have desserts and they go, oh, that's too sweet and they put it away. I've never related to those people. Like that is insane to me that someone go, it's too rich. It's like there's never enough sweetness. I'm a sugar addict through and through. Like I love sugar. It was my first addiction for sure um but i am now off sugar and the best i am a protein bar kind of like i am so i know every protein bar and all the vegan protein bars especially

i don't even want to give this away because it is like the serum that i talked about and I'm never going to tell you that serum again because I already said it once and I'm not saying it again. But this almost feels the same to me but I want to help people out who are trying to break the sugar cycle. The best bars that are low sugar and vegan and taste delicious and sugary and I don't know how they sweeten them and they're pretty they're pretty good for you. Nugo Slim. Do not get Nugo regular because they have tons of sugar in them. Nugo Slim, peanut butter, or raspberry, or the mint. Nugo Slim. Now, there's also—

So you like Nugo Slim peanut butter, but not peanut butter Reese's? Yeah, I mean, peanut butter's not the problem here. It's the consistency inside of the Reese's um and then the other one that is my favorite and I hope this doesn't drive the price up of them I don't know understand why I'm even trying to make it about like I have so much influence there's like insider traders that listen to this raw rev raw these are the best ones and they are tiny they are. And they are tiny. They are low sugar. They are 11 grams of protein, 13 grams of fiber, gluten-free, non-GMO, 3 grams of sugar. They are raw rev glow, G-L-O, raw rev glow. The peanut butter, dark chocolate, and sea salt are the best, best, best.

There's also a peanut butter variety. Don't love that because it's just too much peanut butter and not enough chocolate. Those are the two best. And you give me a raw rev glow peanut butter, dark chocolate and sea salt that has been a little bit warmed up in my pocket. And I, I, I think it might be my favorite food. It is so delicious. There's chia seeds in it that give it a little crunch and the chocolate melts in a way that is so like a warm cookie from the double tree hotel. It is amazing that is so like a warm cookie from the double tree hotel it is amazing that there's not a lot of sugar in there and i have i i don't eat a ton of them because i actually try to have real meals now i used to live on protein bars but those are

the best ones and i used to be uh all i ate up until you know a year and a half ago was organe uh protein bars it's like those were my go-to. I never ate anything else. I would supplement sometimes with a No-Cow, but No-Cow has a chalkiness to it that's not my favorite. But I'm not kidding you. Raw Rev, I have two a day. I love them so much.

They are great on the go, and they probably will satiate you just as much as, like, a Snickers without the sugar. So don't eat the ones I have, but order your own. Very funny candy bar story that I was just told recently. You know Baby Ruth, the bar? Yeah. The candy bar?

Babe Ruth, the baseball player, sued them for taking his likeness, and they said it had nothing to do with him. Ah! Ah! I love that he sued for his likeness like maybe his dick looked like the bar like maybe he was so riddled with you know like different venereal diseases

that he was like oh it's not about the name it's like the candy bar looks like my penis it's the likeness. It looks like my hot dog shit this weekend in the plane David Spade took a Twix and put it in the toilet and took a picture of it and goes, guys, who left this behind? And his assistant Heather thought

it was actual shit. And she was like, it wasn't me. And I go, do you think, I'm wondering, do you shit like perfectly little rectangular glossy, like with a drizzle on it? What are your shits like i was like i want to i wish i were you that i would think that that was even a shit it was really funny

and spade goes we're on this like voice chain and he goes um yeah that was really hard for me to place in there like it was like you guys should have seen me in there i had to like shit in my hand and then put it it was just so funny i uh i had a great time i want to talk more about that weekend we're gonna we're gonna have a great week of shows we will see you tomorrow on the show

for a special FBoy Island edition of the Nikki Glaser podcast so go binge that catch up with us and start that show so you can enjoy tomorrow we're gonna tell you

all the behind the scenes info see you then don't be cut and Jack free Jack free See you then. Don't be cut and deck free. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

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