The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #88 This Is Professional Mode

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she loved an early morning karaoke session with besties. She is still not smoking weed despite all the pot signs in her world. Andrew again had the midnight runs and realized that he needs to slow down on cauliflower pizza. They talk about relationships, communication and autonomy. You Heard It Here First, No, we will not be in your 'metaverse', a sad cab ride, Ric Flair is not eating some lady out on a train and in Andrew's Sports Moment they discuss an NBA star's opinion on college. The Fanthrax bag has a note about a 'Not Andrew', a superstition and besties talking in their sleep. In the Final Thought they try out karaoke mic modes and discuss FBoy Island's Casey's charm. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, It's been a rough day of spilling a lot of coffee It's the arms of these mics And I want to put my drink here And then I literally have knocked over A Starbucks cup So many times in this room But twice this morning But I don't mind, you know why? Because I have a little Bissell cleaner that I'm obsessed with

That I got I mean, I'm going to have to get that stained Before I bring Andrew in But I got this like cleaner on Reddit. Well, I didn't get it on Reddit, but I heard about it on Reddit. It's like cleaning tips or something. I'm just trying to be like a learn how to clean because no one taught me. And everyone recommends this Bissell little portable thing.

It's like, I don't know why. My mom always complains about stains and the dog's peeing. It's like, buy a $100 Bissell thing. It's like, I don't know why my mom always complains about stains and the dog's peeing. It's like buy a hundred dollar Bissell thing. And then my whole childhood would have been different if my mom had this thing. It was always like spraying resolve and then blotting it. And then her yelling at me about these goddamn dogs. And it was just like this Bissell thing. I took it out in the hallway. Yes. I love cleaning with it. You hit a switch and then it sprays as the not like on the nozzle is the spray and then you spray it and then it sucks up the pee or throw i mean i cleaned up marion's throw up cleaned up coffee and then you see it in

the container you see all this like disgusting liquid that's coming out of your and i i enjoy it i went and i went rogue on the couch yesterday and did the whole couch. I just love it. I don't understand why cleaning has to be so hard when there's all these devices that are so easy. I don't know. I just grew up in a house that was constantly talking about how messy everything was and how we can't keep anything nice. I don't even want good things anymore. I don't even know why we get good things. You just recommend. And it's like every single day was filled with just anxiety about stains and shoes on the carpet, dogs. And it's like it all could have been cured by spending $100 at Sears. But, yeah, I just whipped that thing out.

It sucked the coffee. So I drank probably half a venti, brought it in here, spilled another fourth of it on the carpet, cleaned it up in 30 seconds, and then started the podcast and spilled the final fourth. And I'm regretting when Andrew went to Starbucks and said, do you want any coffee?

And I said, I already got one. I'm regretting when Andrew went to Starbucks and said, do you want any coffee? And I said, I already got one. I'm regretting that answer. But otherwise, great morning. We just got off an Instagram live on the podcast, you know, account, Nikki Glazer pod. And because I was in the mood to play guitar, Andrew and I got out the karaoke mic that uh makes his voice kind of like echoey there's a setting on it noah that says like karaoke mode and then it's like very echoey and it makes your voice sound you know like almost auto-tuned like better than it should sound people don't know this but like the reason like anytime you listen to an artist on the radio it's very rare that someone's voice just in a in a

without like effects on it is gonna sound good like purely i mean that's like a really good singer but most artists their voices are layered like 10 times and you would listen on the radio and think oh that's just one that's just them singing once but it's like the more layer and echo the better you sound so andrew doesn't understand that so he's like there's a karaoke mode that makes it very echoey then there's a master mode which makes it sound like you're in a dungeon and i guess that's for like bdsm like i'm your master stay in that corner over there i will i'll fill your water bowl when i when you're when you come or whatever i. I don't know.

It's called master mode. And then there's one that's like professional mode. And he likes to be on professional mode. And I said, Andrew, Andrew's voice is garbage. Like his singing voice is one of the worst I've ever heard. And I say that with no disdain. Mine is not good. I can at least carry a tune.

He cannot. But he thinks he can, which is, you know, an unfortunate side effect of his confidence. I like him to have confidence, but not there. So I told him, you got to put it on karaoke mode. He's like, no, I should do professional mode. And I go, no, that's for professional singers because there's no effect on it. And he's like, no, it makes you sound like a professional. And I go, okay, well, we'll let the podcast be the judge of it. So we'll do it later.

And you tell me if you think professional mode makes him sound like a professional or not. But we were just singing. And it was so fun. It's like I wanted – the thing is I just want to perform alone eventually. But it gives me – if I have someone dancing in the background or Andrew singing terribly, it it so it's not all about me and he does do funny stuff during it and he has a really good time but it was so fun it was like the earliest concert that's ever been put on it was like 10 30 and we just played a few songs we played Britney Spears oops I did it again uh you belong with me Taylor Swift's um the besties were all commenting really nice things

thank you so much you guys are all so supportive and sweet um I'm going to San Jose today yeah I'm flying to San Jose we have two shows wait no we have a show tomorrow in Monterey California and then another show on Saturday in Napa I think they're almost both sold out um we're going in early just because it's like I don't want to do any more day of travel. It really stresses me out. And it's just there's it's a lot to just land and go like, OK, I got to go get dressed and put on makeup and then go perform. I want to be the best for these performances. I have just so much going on right now I'm supposed to be attempting to write a book and I was I've tried to do that before and it just got too overwhelming and I quit and uh so now I'm

looking for help from someone um you know not like a ghost writer because I'm I am a writer and I am I'm too much of a control freak so I just want someone to listen to me talk write it all down give it to me and then I go no no no and then I redo it in my voice um but there's some point of pride is like I was talking to David Spade last week and he wrote his own books he didn't need any help and I'm just like if you can do it I should be able to do it and he's like, you just get note cards and start writing ideas. And then those note cards, you take them. And I mean, he did have help from his assistant who would listen to his stories and then like write down his jokes. So I just got to streamline the process and not be so scared about involving other people.

I think that I remember going to that abusive therapist I had. And one of the pieces of advice was she was like, you don't have to do everything alone. You can ask for help. I had and one of the pieces of advice was she was like you don't have to do everything alone you can ask for help and there's just something in me though that when I can do it myself I don't want if I could do it myself and it might take longer I should because a it saves money b it saves money and c it saves money because I grew up with a mom who likes to use resolve carpet cleaner and get on her hands and knees and scrub a carpet instead of just buying a for a hundred dollars get yourself a pistol I'm not sponsored by them by any means I should be because uh I'm a stained person uh stained what was it uh it's been a while since I didn't spill my coffee. I mean, I am, yeah, I'm a splotchy bitch.

Splotchy and stained. I mean, my spray tan, there's nothing that makes you feel less clean than a shluffing spray tan. But I apply it every morning because now this podcast is going to be on video and i have to like look presentable for these things but at some point i'm going to let it go i i have to there's this upkeep is too much um and and i'm thinking about the wig thing i'm not opposed to getting wigs and just throwing those on to just cancel out my hair problems um because sometimes you just don't want to do your hair but i did get sent by a bestie a uh article called the condition squish squish and condition and it's essentially my congealing thing that i came up with where you fill the sink basin with water you make your hair so you brush

through your hair so that it runs straight and you have no tangles. Then you separate it into pieces with your fingers. And those pieces are the curls that will congeal together. And then you dip it in the sink and then you scrunch. But yeah, she was like, you should have patented that shit. of um like you know uh what that promotional um goodies from comedy central for the show nora from queens which i haven't seen the first season but they're promoting the second season they sent me a box of all these like cute things like coffee mug journal little tray it's all weed themed i must say like this show must be like Nora from Queens must be like a heavy pot smoker because every single thing I got in the box is like get high smoking's cool

a shirt with like a little cartoon of smoking a joint so ironic to get all these things and I will say another bestie sent me pipes like glass beautiful glass made pipes, glass made, beautiful glass pipes that were like, I'm just displaying them on my shelf now because they're art because I'm not smoking weed right now. And it's just so funny that this influx of weed stuff and then CJ yesterday on the show being like, you've got to try this cannabis cola. I'm just like, it's really funny that if you want to do what you want to do, if you like want an excuse to do the thing that you know doesn't make you your best self, you can find it. You can always find it.

You know, like I think that, you know, men who justify cheating, they can surround themselves with other men who cheat and convince themselves that every man cheats. So if you surround yourself with people that are doing it, you go, it normalizes it. So you can just like, if I want to smoke weed, I can just hang out with a bunch of people. And if I want to feel okay about smoking weed, I know what to read. I know what to watch. That makes me feel like this is fine.

This doesn't make, this actually is medicinal. And by the way, it is for some people for me it does treat the anxiety and um it gives me a sense of euphoria and makes me feel good like instantly but I think the long-term effects are not good so I'm just gonna cut it out for now but it there is a lesson here that if you want to indulge and be a you know drinking there's always there you can always hang out with people that make drinking seem cool and like it makes you a more interesting person and makes your life better there's always people that can make smoke you can watch mad men and feel like oh smoking cigarettes

is cool and okay and hunter s thompson and doug stanhope there's always going to be people that make you feel like what you're doing is okay and justified. So just I would pay attention to those things. You know the thing that you feel guilty about? Even like eating an entire pizza. Like there's always memes of like, you know, some girls eat salads. I eat an entire pizza on the couch. And it's like makes it look cool because this girl is like super cute.

And it's like she didn't eat that whole pizza and if she did that's like kind of destructive do you know i'm saying like there's always there's always someone to reinforce the thing that you want to do good or bad um but yeah getting sent all these things that were like there's a notebook that's so cute but on the front cover it's as high as fuck i'm like you, you know what? I'm high on life. I'll use that notebook. I'll write, I'll journal in that notebook once every three months. I mean, the old journals that I have, I just open them up and it's just like one day in 2008 when I was just feeling a certain way. And it's so funny. All of the things, anytime I reach for a journal and I'm just scribbling about

my feelings in a manic way, I go back and look at these years later and I'm just scribbling about my feelings in a manic way I go back and look at these years later and I'm always dealing in that moment with an issue that I've either either conquered because it eventually became such a problem like it's funny that these things I would have thought that my drinking problems like I I would have thought that I only kind of struggled with my drinking habits for two years before I quit quit in 2011 I would have thought maybe I only kind of struggled with my drinking habits for two years before I quit. I quit in 2011. I would have thought maybe 2009 is when I started going, you might need to not do this anymore. But it dated back all the way to like 2006 of me in journals going like, I have a drinking problem.

And it's like, whoa. I like, there were little red flags along the way. And I open up things and it's like, I want to quit smoking weed. I hate that I smoke, like, it's everywhere, you know. But it's interesting because I was talking to Andrew about not smoking weed. And I'm like, and he did an interesting thing the other night. Which, I've told him this before where it's like, because I've asked him straight up, like, am I better when I smoke weed? Like, you've seen me before and after. You're someone who's around me constantly and like you've

seen me sober then you see me smoke weed am I different afterwards and he's like he's always been like yeah you're you're this I mean I think it's better like he's never given me a concrete answer then the other night after I've quit smoking for a week, and I think he found out like the other night. And then I'm making dinner and he's like, can I like, you know what? Never mind. And I hate that. The start of something. Never mind.

It's not the time for it. I'm like, it is the time. Tell me what you're going to say. He's like, do you want me to say something if I feel like you have a problem with something? And I'm like, I mean, sure. I mean, what? And he's like, like, if you're like, sometimes I found you're like acting like you're outside of your. I don't know.

He wasn't being very clear about it. And I honestly don't want to hear someone say like, in retrospect, like you were so weird then. Like, it makes me feel really sad if someone was like harboring thoughts about me like I'd rather know in the moment than later on like I like you were so weird then and I didn't say anything so but he was like he said do you want if I if you ever have a problem do you want me to like confront you about it and I said well if I'm I know when it's time for me to get help sometimes people intervening and know, if it's ever like affecting my life and career in a way where you think I'm going to die. Yes. Have an intervention, please.

Even though I will be like people on intervention and go, no, no, I am leaving. And like, I'll walk into the conference room at the fucking double tree and I'll go, no. Oh, my God. I am not. I'm not doing this you guys like you know that's what addicts do when they don't want to change but if I want to change like that might get me to change but generally when someone's really struggling with something and in engaging in a behavior that's destructive and it's in it no amount of I'm really worried about you is gonna make that person feel better. I mean,

you got to tell them, but usually they're not going to handle it well. And so I told him that I go, if I'm if I really want to smoke weed, and you come at me and you're like, I don't think you smoke weed because you're this and this and this, I'll be like, fuck you, and then go smoke weed. But it'll stay in my brain for when I'm ready to quit, you know? But I don't like someone telling me a week after I quit smoking that they think I should quit smoking. I'm like, yeah, I'm on it. So did Andrew tell you to smoke or not smoke?

He told me that, well, at first, Noah, he was like, when I asked him, I would say I've been like, I mean, I've been struggling with my feeling shame about smoking weed for a really long time. But I think like a couple months ago, I was straight up've been like, I mean, I've been struggling with my feeling shame about smoking weed for a really long time. But I think like a couple months ago, I was straight up on the podcast. Like, am I different? Like, what? Is it good or bad? Do you think it serves me? I'm hearing a lot of people tell me Nikki, keep smoking weed. If it makes you feel good, do what you want. Then

some people are like, no, it's addictive. It's you know, everything I read online is like, don't it makes your brain like lose blood and you just become stupider and everything. And so I was getting mixed messages. And so I asked Andrew because he's the one that sees me. And he was like, no, I don't see a difference. I don't really. I think you're like nicer to me. I think he said that, that you're nicer.

And then after he finds out I've not smoked for a week, which he didn't know. He just like, you you know he obviously doesn't smell it as much and isn't or like doesn't see me do it but I was sometimes doing it in my room he wouldn't know if it but he found out at the baseball game I think I announced it to my sister and I think he overheard that I hadn't smoked in a week and I think that's when he was like I think you have a problem with it and like I really I think you need to stop and I'm like you can't jump on my ice again it like, don't write my joke for me. That's my, I came up with the idea to quit.

Like, it's not your idea. But it was, it is all for the good. And I just don't like when someone after the fact is like, yeah. Can I play devil's advocate, Nikki? Sure. What if he just needed to have the reference and to see and he had to like process the comparison? Okay, I will. I will accept that.

Because he did say the past week you've seen much better. And like, but that also could be other things. I'm not I mean, I definitely feel better. I don't want I'm still on this sober journey and don't want to go back to it. But I do know that I also have like been trying to address my anger issues and like my treatment of him and like how I talk to people I love and really been focusing on those things. But I think those go hand in hand like because I notice maybe, yeah. Why do I want credit for everything? Why do I need that?

I don't know. Again, it's about not wanting help from others and being like, I got it. I already knew that. And it's not who I want to be. I want to work on being able to give other people credit for things but you know it's it's just it's something that it just stays with me ever since I was anorexic and everyone talked about me behind my back all of my friends went to the counselor in high school and told them and before they went to me and you know they were annoyed they were

like Nikki you don't eat anything and they were like bratty to me and like mean about it and like angry but then them all getting together and bringing in their parents and calling my parents behind my back and then going to the counselor and then the counselor pulling me out of class and like it just felt like so it felt like I that's why I hate surprises because I hate people talking about me behind my back from that time and that time in my life when it was like everyone was so worried about me yet no one could tell me to my really skinny face and it's just but at the same time I would have just which I did do it when the I will say when I went to that counselor's office I was like no I just figured out how to lose weight and everyone's fucking jealous because

I wasn't like terribly thin yet uh to the point where it looked like you know of concern I just dropped a lot of weight and I go listen I just figured out how to how to diet and it's working for me and I I mean I'm not anorexic I just totally lied because at the time I didn't even know. But I remember this teacher, this counselor saying, so what are you doing? And she was like a bigger woman. She was like, can you tell me? So what have you changed? It went from her being worried about me being like, are you anorexic to, well, teach me your ways. So, you know, it's all comes from past trauma.

Every single thing you do, including F-Boys. Fucking yesterday was so much fun. We got to get to, let's bring in our boy Andrew. Andrew! Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to

stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts hey andrew good morning good morning good morning good morning how'd you sleep i slept decent i didn't have the shit i kind of had the midnight shits again. The midnight shits? Yeah, we've talked about this, you know? Oh, yeah. In the midnight hour.

Is it from the cauliflower pizza? Like, what's going on? I think I got to slow down on my pizza. I've been getting real into pizzas these days. I was thinking about, like, you used to be, when I was at Whole Foods getting your pizza, I looked at the chicken tenders, and I remember, oh, he was on a chicken tender thing for a while. You're like me. You go through phases with food that you just really get into a thing.

It's like that, and same with the song. I think a lot of people do this. You just listen to it. You like what you like until you hate it. It's dopamine, I think. It feels good until you get tired of it and like the you're not getting that little burst of it's like everything though like i you know even with like a haircut or my facial hair i constantly think i found something and then i need to change

i don't understand how like wait you think you found something and you need to change you mean like you think you found something and it's like this is my new thing this will be forever yeah i i i recognize that in you as i do for myself i know now from enough of that that nothing ever lasts oh yes yes but i think you sometimes think it's gonna last well you gotta have that childhood feeling of like happiness because if not then what what's the world for if you're not looking for anything look forward to anything well i think that like when you go these pants these are the rest these pants all i need for the rest of my life it's just like you're closing yourself off to other things and you yeah i don't know like when i get things or have like a thing that I love I I don't like that feeling of like this is it because

I don't know what it is like I think we need to allow ourselves to understand that it is going to go away and that we're obsessed right now like that's why I'm so scared of a relationship because I've been in them when they are so good and everything is perfect and somewhere along the line you stop being as into each other and i don't want that honeymoon phase to ever end so how do you keep it going you find a new person every six months you find a new cauliflower pizza i honestly i was talking to anya about it yesterday and we were talking about compromises you make in a relationship where it's like you're never gonna find someone who is perfect and that dr pat allen who wrote getting to i do says if you find a guy who's 51 good like 51 that's all you need then and you want to be in a relationship you

make that work if they are 49 so annoying to you but they're 51 the majority is good you make it work that's terrible that's an f i know because over time it grows it grows like a tumor i feel like over time it depletes like i don't want a relationship so badly like that i don't my ideal relationship is um like where you can have your independence while being extremely loving to be with the person at the same time. Like I love a good separation. Sounds like you like it on your schedule. Like when you want to hang out, you want to hang out. And when you don't, you don't. Like relationships are not that.

I know. you want to hang out you want to hang out and when you don't you don't like relationships are not that i know you have to be in a relationship because you want to be there for someone when they're going through a time where you might not want to hang out yeah and you need to be there for them that's what a relationship is so you're not describing a relationship i know so i'm the same way we're selfish people yeah i'm pretty selfish i i just i just like having no feeling of someone's looking over like the idea of someone looking over my shoulder is always well that's about trust if you have someone who trusts you they're never looking over your shoulder they're i think even though like in a relationship where like yeah i trust her 100 you still like feel like you can't maybe i don't know you've never been trusted maybe so and you've never trusted someone else because there is that.

Yeah. That's great. There totally is that to have where you can have someone who, and I haven't experienced it either, but I will not, not enter in a relationship if I am with someone who doesn't trust me. Oh, it's pretty damn close with Brenna. And it's not about me.

Yeah. It's not about them not trusting me. It's about me creating a safe space for them where they can trust me because sometimes I'm a little squirrely and I am so ashamed of who I am that I act in ways that they might think, oh, they're hiding that they're talking to it.

She's hiding that she's talking to another guy when really I'm hiding that I'm watching wart scraping videos because I'm ashamed of that part of my life and i don't want to share that was even though i shared on my podcast i don't want a guy i'm dating to know that i every night need to watch warts being ripped out of people's feet but then that that part of me that has shame yeah is now creating an air of uh of me being mystery not mystery of me being uh withholding in some way and being like i don't want to share all of myself with you and then they can interpret that to their worst parts which is not her watching warts but you know her talking to a guy with general warts possibly yeah

no i get i yeah it's just a feeling of like it's 2 p.m., right? And I'm supposed to be. You must be lonely. I want to go hit some golf balls. I don't want to think like I'm making someone upset that I'm choosing that over them or anything like that. Well, then they need to tell you that. Yeah. It sounds like Andrew likes autonomy.

That's the word you're looking for. I think I've been autonomized for the last 20 years. It's true. You have had a streak of just doing what you want to do, not being accountable to anyone else. But I will say that, okay, let's give the 2 p.m. golf example. If you're with someone, you play so much golf. You would have to compromise that to be in a relationship. Which I do. let's give the 2 p.m. golf example. If you're with someone, you play so much golf, okay?

Yeah. Like, you would have to compromise that to be in a relationship because- Which I do. I would say that very few people, even Elin, wouldn't have allowed someone to play this much golf every day if you were trying to start a family.

Maybe if she did, he wouldn't have cheated. No, no, I'm fucking around. No, I- No, I'm sure he'd cheat. I mean, look, there is something about keeping someone that's, you know, Tiger for his whole life.

Golf was his girlfriend. I asked you yesterday if you're going to play golf and your response was so defensive that I was like, well, you said to me, you go, you don't seem to be in the golf anymore. And I was like, no, I am more than ever. No, it was before this. I was like, are you playing golf today? And you were like, yeah. And I go, oh, what course are you going to? And you're you're like just want to like you didn't even want to talk about it because

you were so embarrassed that you're going to play it but i get that like i'm embarrassed at how much i spend playing guitar or watching videos on reddit or whatever it is um i think so let's just say in your relationship that you um that the person like you end up living with a person yes and getting married and you want to go play golf one day and they go actually i need you to work on the lawn it's overgrown there's a chip on it can i play golf yeah i mean why don't we make it a grudge you're not gonna be with someone who just lets you do whatever you want all the time i know it's just not gonna happen i shouldn't expect that but there is something like somewhere in the middle there and i feel like brenna is very like

understanding with that and stuff but you know even when someone says they're not upset about it i feel like they are or like i i get i get that you don't trust them yeah maybe like i don't trust someone of not being upset with me yeah that that's building trust that the person that you're with is going to tell you when they're upset and when they're not. And, like, isn't going to harbor it. I mean, it happens with us. Like, yesterday, the plane, so we're going on Southwest. You sent me a number to check in. And then you go, I'm going to take a nap.

And then I realized the number didn't work for me but i didn't want to write you to be like hey let me get that other number because i knew you were napping and then i forgot till today and now i'm like c20 or whatever right but if i just wrote you then and been like okay she's napping i know it might be a little annoying to send another confirmation but i should be okay writing that without thinking like she's gonna be mad if i wake her up from this and it's my you know she bought the ticket and so therefore and so i have like all these things go through my head instead of just being like i don't you probably wouldn't even you'd be like yeah oh here's the number my bad yeah i know i mean i would have been like oh i have to look it up and stuff but it wouldn't

like i and honestly i would have been like just wait until i have to look it up and stuff. But it wasn't like, and honestly, I would have been like, just wait until I wake up. You'll probably get C12 and I'll save you a seat or whatever. But that response right there is what I'm afraid of. What was scary about that? It's scary to go, well, just wait till I wake up. I'll get C12. So then instead of going, oh, yeah, here you go. Here's the number.

Here's get B14. My point is, is like, I'm not that that fear is real. If the response is, hey, I need to. But what's scary about my response? It's the response of being like, hey, like, I can't do this for you right now. But that's OK for me to say. But but then that's why I wouldn't ask. No, but why wouldn't you you but then you would know instead of like being like she might blow up or she might just because i would have just been like hey i'll

do it when i wake up like that would have been the response that's not that scary like your your your fear of what i'm gonna respond is because that's not a scary was that a scary response did that make you feel terrible that i go i sleeping. I don't really feel like looking it up. You might get C14, but like I'll figure it out in an hour when I wake up. I mean, it's not scary. It's just like it's the response that like of why I wouldn't ask in the first place. If I was just going to go if I. But at least you know.

Yeah, I know. But if I really thought like in my mind, I'd ask you to go. Oh, here's. I'm not. Is it rejection rejection Andrew is good yeah maybe rejection a little bit of form of rejection because I don't think that like I'm allowed to say that you are allowed to say that even if I didn't buy the ticket I'm allowed to say it I'm I'm it has nothing to do with this I'm not saying that you're not allowed to say I'm saying that the reason why i don't ask is because i think i'm gonna get an answer that is gonna make me unhappy uh okay so that's that's all yeah and i'm just saying that as like an example of like times where i won't ask for something because i i can't handle getting an

unhappy yes i mean that's why i don't write a book because i'm scared I might not be good at it so I'd rather just say I could I could be I I'd rather just be like oh I'm probably could write a really good book and then never know for sure because it's so much easier but I get that of of not wanting to bring up things because you're scared of the response but it is about like trusting a person to not fly off the handle and if they do understanding that that is them and not you. Because, like, I have fear with people that I've dated in the past with what their anger – just fear of anger. Honestly, that's what it is. Your childhood probably was filled with people, like, not giving you what you needed when you did ask for something. So it's just easier to not ask because then you can convince yourself your mom loves you and you didn't and then you

didn't get actual confirmation that maybe she doesn't love you as much as you need her to and also that it just sucks because sometimes it's like do i even deserve it which is sad well i when i asked my ex-boyfriend um you know we were a year and a half into dating and I was like, I think I love you. And I just don't feel like you're about to say it. And he was like, yeah, I just don't say it. I mean, that was that taught me forever to keep my mouth shut because once I go because I go, well, I need to be with someone who says I love you eventually. And he was like, well, I'm just I don't ever say it. I'm never going to say it.

And it put me in a position of like, I have to break up with you because I just said, I, cause I thought he was just going to say, well, you can't bring up. I love you. I was just going to say, I'll get there eventually.

But he said never. And I go, well, I want that eventually. And so I had to break up with him before I was ready. So now I don't bring up. He was like, look,

you're going to be in C48. Yeah. That's what it's going to be. Well, his response was, you can, this is going to be like Kabul for was you can this is gonna be like kabul for you you're gonna be falling off the plane like you're never getting on this plane

you can grab on but you're gonna die on the tarmac like that was it and you can't bring up the flight again that's the hard part is once you say i love you once you can't go hey do you love me now no my point is like when you ask for when i asked for something from him, he can say, I'll give it. It would be as if you asked for the check-in number, the confirmation number. And I say, I'm never giving you that for the rest of your life. I'm not capable of ever giving you a confirmation number. And actually, I'm never going to buy a flight for you for the rest of your life. You would then be forced to go, well, I don't want to work with someone who's not gonna pay me and now i have to quit because i've brought up this thing that if i would have kept my mouth shut it would have been fine

but now i know this thing that makes it so i have if i have integrity i cannot stay and that's the thing in jobs you don't want to ask for a raise because you feel like they're going to go. No, actually, we don't do raises here. And you're we don't we're never going to promote you. And you go, well, OK, well, now I have to leave. And before yesterday, before I brought this up, I I didn't have to leave. And now I have to. And so I really get scared about confronting people about things that if they can't give to me i so i'd rather just not know so that i can stay and be comfortable and it makes sense it's just like

but i will say i was telling uh my friend about you uh getting angry with me the other day on the podcast about the joke thing and how like you were so frustrated you just go like you just had a moment of like yeah and it was like it was so i liked it like i like that immediate like i'm mad at you about this it's coming out now let's deal with it now instead of i'm gonna tuck it away and it's gonna come out later because later guess what it's too late but here's the thing sometimes when people or I'll say for myself, I'll tuck it away, not with the idea that it's going to come back and be like, well, these are four things you did wrong then.

I know, but that's why you have to know that it always does. You have to know that based on your- It goes somewhere. You can say, well, I did this not with intent. I didn't know it was going to come out later. Well, based on the past, when you tuck them away, you've noticed that they do come out later well based on the past when things tend to when you tuck them away you've noticed that they do come out later so you have to you have to change the way you approach things so i you know i was i was you know i i love immediate like i don't like that way you talk to

me right now let's deal with it i'm mad at you and then it's just it makes me feel what you're feeling and but my fear is yeah yeah we haven't heard that word until yesterday oh my god when people say empath watch out my worry with that though is even if it's in the moment it's like this is what i'm upset about then the response from you or for whoever i bring it up with isn't again it's like not the response you want so then you're like well why am I bringing up anything if I'm not if the end result isn't positive well that's about trust you have to trust me that I'm that I'm not so irrational that your anger at me about thinking that I'm thinking I'm competitive would make me go, get out. I'm moving out.

I'm taking your clubs. I don't know why would I do that. They're not mine. I'm going to tell the golf course that you get angry. The one over there? Yeah. The one right over there? Do you know what four means?

Yeah, it means you've hit a ball and it might hit someone. Yeah, that's great. But yeah, like I just think it's, we all tiptoe. I'm so, so fucking sick of tiptoeing around people's anger. And I just need to, like CJ said yesterday, understand that if they fucking fly off the handle, it doesn't, maybe something I do precipitated it,

but like I can be accountable for what I did and say like, okay, well obviously what I did made you feel this way. I am sorry it made you feel that way. I will try to do better, but it really doesn't have anything to do with me. It's you taking, it's you can,

you get to choose whether or not to put up with my shit and I get to choose whether or not to put up with your shit. And it's like, it's so hard to actually apply that. like how you said that you go they have to deal with they have to deal with what like how they how do i put it like i like that you said that your behavior still could be wrong if they're responding angrily to you like i could have also been in the wrong like a lot of people go you're being so angry and they they're not self-aware of them like cause possibly causing oh yeah you know what I

mean though like and so it's like I can't care how they respond it's like single thing that you do every single thing that you can go you play the victim of I've learned this and it's it's honestly it's pretty much everything even the worst things and I know people are like how would that be that person's fault we all know what I'm talking about right obviously it's not your fault that that happened to you but how you handle it and how you um take it in and make it define who you are or make it ruin you um honestly it's not in your control because there's no free will but there we there's always an even if i feel like god andrew's mad at me about this thing he's been such a little bitch right now i didn't even do anything i'm the nicest person and i feel like i did nothing wrong i'm lying to myself there's something i did you can always find something you did even when

you're the most victim of the thing like you know someone i got rear-ended and i was i wasn't on my phone both hands on it like yeah like it wasn't my fault well i feel like you were talking about your sex life just then my hands were on the thing i got rear-ended i did nothing wrong my body was just operating the way it's supposed to i'm sorry that i shit on your bumper just then. My hands were on the thing. I got rear-ended. I did nothing wrong. My body was just operating the way it's supposed to. I'm sorry that I shit on your bumper. Alright, guys. We gotta get to the news. That's a great bumper sticker.

Sorry I shit on your bumper. Fuck a Chevy. Hemi. Ah, you heard it. You heard it. You heard it. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to the pod. Yeah, you heard it here first. Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to the pod. We love you out there.

We had an early morning concert. If you missed it, it was fantastic on our Instagram live on Nikki Glaser Pod. I wanted you to bring in the karaoke mic so we could see if karaoke or professional is better. Oh. We will. Maybe a final thought. Mm-hmm. Thank you again. I don't know why i said thank you again i hope

you're having a great time having all the smiles what were you just looking at i don't even know you were really distracted by something do you really not know i think you do know and you don't want to say what i was just looking you were like so distracted by something on the carpet i thought there was like a guy holding a mouse holding cue cards or something like what is he looking at that's the cutest thing i've ever seen doesn't that sound adorable little snl and he has like he wears like old like uh collared shirts yeah you know they're all like the cue card guy always dressed in old jeans yep and like boots that are like no one would wear okay first story facebook launches a virtual reality office where users can host meetings with cartoon avatars of their colleagues

as part of mark zuckerberg's ambition to turn the platform into a metaverse metaverse oh my god this is wild to me by the way i mean no one wants this it's sims this is not great yeah yeah he's turning he couldn't go far enough to be like look you shouldn't have you don't need friends in real life you can just be on the internet burn this all down now you can just be a cartoon you don't even have to be a human and it's fucking wild um yeah i mean does he admit that he wants to make the world a metaverse like he says that or whatever that means? Okay, so I mean, that's where we're headed. What does metaverse mean?

Everything's on the computer? No, he wants Facebook to be like its own world. Like a Sims, like an animal farm. Or what's that? There's some game that everyone... He wants people to live in Facebook. Oh, yeah. What's the game that...

World of Warcraft? No, there's some world. Maybe Minecraft. Yeah, there's like these video game worlds. I mean, we don't even hear about these people because they just live in those worlds. Jen, my ex-roommate, used to live in them, and she built a store. Oh, yeah, that was called that animal thing that everyone was doing. Yeah, I forget the name of it.

Yeah, I remember it. I was thinking about getting into it because it was during COVID, and I was like, yeah that was called that animal thing that everyone was doing yeah I remember it I was thinking about getting into it because it was during COVID and I was like I need a new world and you could make little Taylor Swift

like little shops you could make your room like a Taylor Swift like Wonderland I saw that like people could do that she'd bring me in

and she'd be all excited and I'd be like what is it what is it Jen what happened in real life she's like no no I can't fucking remember but she's like

look at look at this tree I planted and isn't that awesome and i'm like farmville farm no it wasn't farmville it's people are screaming at their podcast right now uh let me see uh it doesn't matter but like mark sucker but like i'm not even on facebook anymore and i know that's probably uh not the right move for my career but i truly don't wait you gotta be but you're you don't go on facebook but you like when i post on instagram it like double posts to it yeah but i have not logged into facebook in so long interesting because your facebook videos that go from instagram straight to facebook yeah get like a million

views and a million comments and you'll never check it and it's just in its own little metaverse over there so many messages over there and it's just like it's over there potential ant suitors but we should treat every social like we we give one social media that's all i can do because they because instagram is it will go away someday tiktok i will not get on um not because i i do want to make videos for TikTok, but it's too good, man. You watch TikTok. I don't know how you do anything else

if you let that thing in your life because it is so addictive. Because it's so dumb. Sometimes on Instagram Reels, they get me in. TikTok is for, it makes you stupider. It's just a dumbness as a dumb. I just can't stand this woman's voice that talks like this for every Instagram reel.

My best friend is also my gay lover. What is that voice? Why can't people just talk? I don't know. Why do we have to use this weird woman's voice? It's so obnoxious. Every single video, I'm going to wear a different outfit every day. The problem with TikTok is you have a hot

girl that could be too young you have a guy hitting golf balls and then someone getting shot and it's like I don't want to see death and then now there's like 18 million unvaccinated versus vaccinated fucking

videos TikTok's the dumbest of the dumb instagram's a little less dumb and then twitter is a little i'm off twitter too like i rarely go on twitter too because i i just it's just too much and oh no what about you like you i feel like don't go on any of it really i'm trying to cleanse myself of it but the only one that I will go to just to look at your guys' Instagram stories is Instagram. Yeah, okay. Twitter is so toxic. I will never be on TikTok.

You will not find me there. Reddit for me kind of combs them all and finds the best of each place because I'll find tweets from there that are really funny and stuff, but it's too much work to keep up with all of them. And yeah, I'm... And Reddit is like outside. You're getting outside information. Facebook, the problem with Facebook is almost every story that's shared, it's within the group of people

that you've led in your life in the past and they're sharing like the shittiest stories ever. So it's boring. I don't even look on, like Instagram bums's boring. I don't even look on, Instagram bums me out. I don't even scroll on Instagram anymore because I just find that I just get depressed because I start comparing myself. And I even get depressed when I posted yesterday

that FBoy Island was picked up for a second season. I really got sad at how many people were probably going to be a little bit jealous of me and project. Because I know that when I hear like some someone that's in my you know comedic circle or I came up with or who I look to as like they have a perfect life um and they get some news like that I tend to just like it makes me feel bad about myself. And I thought, I bet this is going to make someone feel bad about themselves. And I hope they know that I'm not, this isn't it.

This isn't, FYI, season two, actually it is it. That's the only thing that actually like, kind of news like that, that makes me really happy. But generally like news of like,

I'm selling out shows or doing this. Like I am letting the love in, like I said on my Instagram like I'm finally realizing like my fans are like pulling for me and they like genuinely love me and it's not about like anything other than just like they like who I am and I make them feel better sometimes and make them angry some I don't know I make them feel and it feels good but that stuff I just felt bad even posting yesterday because I go i bet this is going to make someone who maybe just didn't get something in their life or who isn't doing so well because

i've been on the other side of that and i just i wanted to post along with it like a picture of me like picking my skin or something like just i feel like you always have to do these disclaimers i need to because people need to know it's not real. I get that. I get that. I disagree with you, Nikki. I'm going to be up here disagreeing. I think the person who is going to judge you is the one who's being selfish and insecure. And you be proud of your accomplishments.

You worked really hard to get there. I get what you're saying. I didn't, though. Like, FBoy Island was not hard. I did work hard to get to a place where that came into my life but working hard it never i am so i'm just lucky i'm lucky that i was born with a brain that this is i didn't do anything it's funny that val kilmer doc i do not feel responsible for my success in any way the val kilmer documentary uh he talks about how like really no actor is a working actor like literally it's like two percent

of people and same with stand-up so it's like but then to hear the person that's in the two percent it's impossible it's tough because it sounds like a shitty but like you can't complain because it's going well and people can't relate to that you know what i mean like i'm not saying you don't complain i'm just saying people don't want to hear it because they're like, well, your work, like the person that's like, wow, she got another thing. And now she, oh, her life. So, but within that world, that's your reality. There is sadness there.

Does that make sense? I mean, there's always starving kids in Africa, essentially. Yes, exactly. But I just, I want to say that because I island i i want i say that and i give that disclaimer about everything i do because the thing is i i am happy like my life is really good and i'm so grateful for it but i don't want to project that these things are the reason my life is happy because i think that when you get because i i even get jealous of people that have stuff happen to them, like, that get things. I want all of the things.

I'll admit it. I want everything. If anyone, especially women, because I'm competitive with women, because you can tell me not to be, well, then tell society to,

like, give us, make it even. But I get jealous of women more than men when they get things. Don't know why, still feel competitive with women, trying to stop that, trying to uphold women, and give them the, of women more than men when they get things don't know why still feel competitive with women trying

to trying to stop that trying to uphold women and and give them the shine a light on them so that it helps me with my insecurity and jealousy but when I see a woman or like really anyone get something that I think I could have had a shot at I think that they're they have it all like they god they must be so happy and then I go Nikki what are you doing like you know that when you've gotten these things that look so glitzy and shiny on the outside it didn't stop you from wanting to kill yourself last summer I mean like this is exactly what you were saying to me up top about like how I find something new and I convince myself that this is the thing I know but I always tell myself it's gonna go away it's it there's never but you you're doing it with this job you're looking at someone else with another that's what I'm saying but that's what I'm saying it's it's a flawed thinking

so that's why I want to put out to women because this all got into my psyche from watching you know there was never celebrities have flaws in the early 2000 late 90s when i was coming up and modeling my life after celebrities no one had flaws ever and if they did uh it was like on the cover of a national inquirer and they never addressed it they would never admit it themselves i was dying for jennifer aniston to say she's depressed or she felt less than like it never came out and so I say that so that young girls or even girls my age will understand that this ain't it if you you can get all these things but it's not if if you're not working on yourself and doing good for other people and like actually putting good into the world besides f-boy, which is good and serves the purpose of entertainment.

But F I can get a million seasons of F boy Island. And unless I am, you know, working on myself and, and being there for my loved ones. And like, just that's, that's never,

I'm never going to feel complete by, you know, performing at Carnegie hall. Isn't that like gary goldman's performing at carnegie hall and he just announced it and i wrote like congratulations gary that's huge he was someone i reached out to when i was really depressed last summer because i wanted to go like go away to a hospital and i was asking gary like what does that look like what's it gonna be and i told him i was like super depressed and he um and we had talked about it and i didn't

end up going there i ended up just like getting meds and seeking help in my own way. But he checked in on me yesterday after I commented on his thing and he goes, how are you doing? And I was like, I'm actually like thriving. Things are great because of this and this and this. None of those things that I listed were my career,

by the way, none of them. The things that are making me happy right now. They're all things that I would never promote on Instagram and that you wouldn't have to like do a promo code for or DVR. But then I said to him, I go, I'm assuming you're great because you're performing at Carnegie Hall, but I also know that doesn't actually mean fucking anything

in the scheme of things. It's cool, but how are you? And he goes, I happen to be great. But he also knows yeah that does not and we can say that a million times but you know it's lonely at the top we're like and and someone who's listening that is like you know they're probably don't know till you know i mean really i do think that sometimes those things do make you you happy and i i wish i could let some of that in some more let's get to the next story next story new okay new york yellow cab driver

makes horror discovery that his passenger is dead after she was dumped in the car by her friend who said she was drunk oh so this girl put her friend in a car who maybe was not dead yet uh who was very fucked up and said, take her to this address. There was someone else waiting at that address for her. So it makes me think that this person didn't know. Was it a morgue that they took her to? Oh, my God. In New York City, one time I walked by a funeral home and they were just rolling a dead body.

I didn't need to see that fucking on a Tuesday afternoon. It's crazy how many dead bodies are like around us all the time like everyone that is alive will be dead will just be a corpse someday of like a skeleton i hope we both die at the same time on this podcast oh god i will throw you in an uber x and stay oh beat it isn't that a big one take it take him to take him to forest park golf course oh spread my ashes and hole number four um wait a second so this girl was she young and was alcohol poisoning like in their 20s um it didn't go into like 30s oh 30s sorry oh so she died of old age yep yep jinx buy me coke Jinx? Buy me a Coke. Diet.

Pour it on the ground. Yeah, so who's at fault here? Is the girl that left her at fault? I mean, no one's really at fault. I mean, it's... Oh, boy. You know, I think the... I don't know. I mean, we could blame a lot of things,

but I think that we could blame a lot of things but I think that you know we could blame whatever led to our alcohol addiction or problems with drinking we can blame society that makes drinking binge drinking seem like cool and fun we could blame the taxi cab driver for being on the phone with some with his bride in another country they're always like murmuring to someone in another country for hours and hours it's so impressive i know and they just like talk to some they have their own podcast for just them yeah it's really horrible i mean there's a million things you could point the finger at but um but you know maybe it just it's i wonder where she was before like and what led to this uh out this intoxication i'm sure that will was before and what led to this out this intoxication

I'm sure that will come out and what a friend just like tossing her in the back that's the thing I hope she hit the roof of the car and was like take good care of her like boom boom like kicked it like lovingly that is the one thing that friend was annoyed by her friend being

all fucked up and was just like take her to here I don't want to deal with it you know was annoyed by her friend being all fucked up and was just like, take her to here. I don't want to deal with it. You know, I don't want to hold her hair while she throws up. And she probably would have lived if the friend went road with her, to be honest. The person who put her in the cab, I think in the story it said that they weren't

able to identify just yet. Just yet, yeah. I remember. We'll follow up with this. A taxi driver should not go on the journey with someone in the backseat who is not able to talk. He did take her to the hospital, though,

once the other friend discovered that she wasn't responding and not coming out of the car. So let's give him or her a... Yeah, yeah. That's a boring episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. Just gurgling. I'm'm sorry that is not nice it's death scares me and i have to make fun of it i really i feel so sad for that girl and all of her friends and and family i'm sorry to hear that next story all right um

after a tweet goes viral claiming it was him 72 year old wrestler Ric Flair responds that it is not him giving oral sex to a woman on a train I saw this picture on Reddit this was wild there's an old man going down I mean it does look like him

on the transit system somewhere and it's daylight because you can see the light coming through the window. And it's an old man and a woman. And she is laying on her back. It's so hot. It is pretty hot, honestly. He's grabbing her ass.

It's I mean, if he weren't so like. Like old looking. And some people are into that. Some people like watching old men bang young women, but her foot looks like a young woman's foot. My foot looks more, looks like Ric Flair. It looks like a woman of his age,

but that's a young foot. Let's zoom in on that foot. And what is she wearing? She has like a, yeah, her hands look young. You could always tell someone's age by their hands. And that is a um old

man i i mean that's so hot that is a great position by the way in coach in the quiet car it'd be so funny someone's just like can you um not eat your pussy so loud i saw this on reddit and someone had commented i'm going through a tunnel right now i can't hear you dude it's fucking great too because these chairs we've all sat in these chairs they're they're not the nicest chairs to have your pussy in and no and that doesn't disgust me like i would sit in that chair like people go oh i have to sit there there's been a man that went down on a woman it's like there's not that many flu yeah that's what rick flair would always do have you ever seen his video where he's i don'taming and driving, limousine riding?

I don't know. He was a WWE star. Okay. And his promos were the best ever. And he was known for partying his fucking dick off. Like, he shouldn't be alive. I'll tell you that. It's so funny that he had to make a statement that wasn't him.

And how did that person not get more footage of this guy except just the shot behind the head? Do you think he was more upset that they thought he was eating pussy or that he people would think he'd travel by train he's like i wouldn't be caught down to this training if i eat pussy it's on a fucking the metro north have you done that position uh on not on a train uh yeah i've done that where my big thing is putting her up on a pillow so that's kind of what that's doing there like you're elevating her with her leg legs behind her head yeah while you're doing that you could you could eat her butt because you could tell he's like lifting her up like her butt was like up yeah it's a wrestler move um the person that i'm like currently doing things with

um wants me to buy the the classic sex uh ramp type thing the liberator remember that thing that was always advertised in the back of rolling stone no it's called the liberator and it's like a little like it's like a ramp that uh it's pretty much like a pillow but you sit on it's like it's a harder foam though it's like a gymnastics place yeah but you sit on it. It's like it's a harder foam, though. It's like a gymnastics place. Yeah. But it's like, you know, it's like the steps they put for dogs to go on a bed when they're old. Yes.

Yes. But, you know, because we always put down pillows to like me and this person like we put down. But pillows can just like sink and like kind of fold into the bed. And this gives you like an actual surface that isn't hard but not uh too soft and it's called the liberator there it is yeah yeah these like sex ramps oh yeah that's great yeah and then you could ride your bike off and do bmx jumps oh my god i can't even tell you what i i yesterday i was preparing for a sexcapade and i was laughing So hard at What I was going through

To like I watched a video It was a whole thing Are you going to give out this list or are you going to keep it to yourself No I will get to it at another time We got to get to our sports moment Which honestly it was a sports Moment for me yesterday it was very athletic What I had to go through

Water sports you know what let's take a short break John Stewart is back what I had to go through. Water sports. You know what? Let's take a short break. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. I mean, thrilled. Lomelo Ball has no regrets over skipping college. I love this quote. He said, saying, school not even teaching you shit. What the fuck is school? Later clarifying. Let me rephrase.

School not for everybody. I mean, fantastic. Did he tweet this or say it? I believe he said it because it's in quotes. Okay, yeah. School not for everybody. He was in an interview. He goes, now, if you want to be a doctor, better take that ass to school.

S-C-O-O. I don't know if you know who LaMelo Ball is. He goes, now, if you want to be a doctor, better take that ass to school. S-C-O-O. I don't know if you know who LaMelo Ball is. He's one of three brothers. His older brother was picked first in the NBA draft. Is that his name? Which one? Pick first? Yes, pick first, Ball.

I mean, LaMelo's a weird name. LaMelo, Lonzo. And by weird, I mean, like, I haven't heard it before. And LaAngelo. Okay. Are those really his brother's names yeah okay what are they again lonzo uh-huh leangelo and lamello okay um it sounds like like a lemon candy yeah it sounds delicious sounds like one of noah's favorite candies that i've never heard of

cry baby uh scarface or something something yeah he's right college is dumb especially if you're an NBA player but I mean kids are gonna see this though that aren't as good as him

and then they're gonna not think school's for them honestly you gotta learn a trade you do have to learn a trade and I'm sorry

if you're dumb enough to hear LaMelo what's his last name Ball Ball say school's not for everyone and you go yeah I'm not gonna go to school dumb enough to hear LaMelo, what's his last name? Ball. Ball say school's not for everyone and you go,

yeah, I'm not going to go to school. Then you weren't going to go to school anyway. Anyone that this would actually influence wasn't really going to go to school anyway. Like I said at the beginning of the show, you look for validation of what you already want to do. You surround yourself with people and with

information that validates the choice you already want to make if you really want to make it i know i just think like i think sometimes just because he's you know an nba player young and what you don't realize like what your words they do have meaning to these kids like like a 13 year old's gonna go oh well i'm good at video games i don't. It's like so many kids now are going, I'm just going to be. Oh, yeah. If I'm not a doctor, I should just not go to school. And I know it's like, how could these people think that? But people are dumb, dude.

But that's what I'm saying. They wouldn't go to school anyway. Well, yeah. They wouldn't get into the. No, but I do. I do. But there's something to be said for that. Like the amount of debt that people are in to get a just a degree in political

science and then they are working at best buy it's just like and they'll never pay it off and they're they're going to be they're going to die early because of the stress that the debt caused them their entire life it's like yeah i wouldn't go to school either like i wouldn't suggest you go to school like yeah don't go to school but. Like, I wouldn't suggest you go to school. Yeah, don't go to school. But I'm serious. I dropped out of college. What? After a year and a half,

I dropped out of college for that reason. I just didn't want to accrue debt. And I just worked. And then I went to trade school and I got into broadcasting. Tell me. And spent only $10,000 on my education. Good for you.

Honestly. What was the final straw that made you go, this isn't it? Did you not get into Delta and Gamma? Oh, yes. No, I think I told you before.

You didn't get into the Delta variant? No. I was in a class and we were learning about like Chinese dynasties and I was like, I already learned this

in high school. Why am I paying to learn this again? Yes. I'm done. Yeah. Then I went and I dropped out.

I mean, I'm not telling anyone i just think and we listen if everyone just did whatever felt good and like oh just you know what if you if you find what you love and you make if you make money if you go into what you love and you do that you'll never work a day in your life we'd have no one being garbage men we'd have no one being baristas at starbucks we'd have no you know like we need people to not pursue their passions thank god yeah but i did pursue my passion without going to college you did yes school is important no yes you did i'm saying that like but if everyone pulled a noah we would we would have great podcasts and great you you know, well-produced entertainment. But we wouldn't have anyone to, I guess, troubleshoot for us, you know, why Zoom isn't loading.

You know, like there's people working at lower levels of Zoom that probably don't want to be doing other things. I don't know what I'm trying to say. That's why there's something to his quote where it's like, it's for some people, it's not for others. Yeah, he should have said maybe doctors and then added a couple more things because a lot of kids can go, well, I don't want to be a doctor. I don't need to go to school. Yeah. All I know is I cheated on everything

in college and I think it was a cry for help to like, I think looking back, I wish I got kicked out of school or maybe dropped out and then started over after taking some time to get my mental health right. You almost wanted to get caught. Yeah. You were like so – I know.

We just like – when you are really struggling mentally, sometimes you do destructive things and then no one intervenes. Dude, I was amazed. I was like, what? I'm walking to get my degree? It was a joke and everyone did not expect i'm talking every there's no reason why i have a degree and and whatever it is what it is and i'm you know i don't regret it i really don't because i'm here but i do think like i don't think you even knew what you were doing but you probably wanted to get caught uh yeah cheating so that you could

get kicked out of school and hit a bottom and like actually people would really work while andrew is fucked up like andrew got caught cheating now this unearthed all the stuff he's been doing now he has to get help and we have to like help him get help it was like it is interesting you can't be halfway to the low and then get free help without being like, no, just go to rehab. Take as much time as you need. You've got to be really fucked up. You've got to really hit the bottom. Yeah.

If you don't hit the bottom, they're not going to be like, no, just take two months to yourself and get right. Oh, man. I couldn't. I was saying last summer when I wanted to go away and get – because no one – I was living with my parents. They were not taking my depression seriously. What are you crying about? You just hosted Kimmel. This is ridiculous, Nikki.

And I'm like, I don't know, but I want to walk in front of traffic. Like, I don't know why hosting Kimmel didn't make me not want to do that, but I need help. And it was like, it wasn't until I would go on these runs so I could just cry because my parents could not handle my crying

because they would just say, what are you crying about like ABC your life is great this COVID everyone's going through this it's normal so I'd go on runs and I would just like sob during these runs on the phone with Anya and she would be like dude you need to like go somewhere and I'd be like but no one's listening and I remember I went home and I like went up to my mom and I was just like you need to know like how serious I am I'm going to a hospital I'm going now and that was this that's all because then then she just goes oh Nick like she finally got it and was like come here like and like finally all she had to do was just go I I'm so sorry you're struggling and this is like real for you and this this isn't what I think it is it's what you think it's what you're telling I'm so sorry you're struggling and this is like real for you and this isn't what I think it is.

It's what you think. It's what you're telling. I'm trusting you and I had, but I had to like be so explicit and be like almost over the top to get her to finally go, I'm sorry like that you're struggling

because I think it's like if you would have gone to anyone about what you were going through in college, it would have been met by, get out of here with this. Well, in my 20s. You're going to Tulane. We're paying for this this shit i was in debt and i was like crying for help but i wasn't like i didn't know how to sometimes you could ask for help and you don't know how to verbalize it

you know what i mean so then you can't get the help you want or you're you know you're just afraid to ask for help because it's not strong because you got to do it on your own or you'll be told that or you're told that it's not that big of a deal and then once you're told that once it goes back to everything we were saying you're told it once you're never gonna ask again so it's like there's so much build-up to like asking for help and you're at your lowest and your brain isn't even right to know how to ask yes let's get to fanthrax yeah whoa brain isn't even right to know how to ask yes let's get to fanthrax yeah oh my god whoa that's so weird that you can make that noise that's pretty good say something really cheerful, but in Fanthrax voice. Believe in yourself.

God loves you. Stay in school. Okay, Noah, let's get to some voice memos and just messages. All right, can I please read this email? Yes. Okay. This is from Matthew in Maryland. Hello, Nikki.

Does Andrew know about an NFL analyst named Jeff Saturday? He used to be Peyton Manning's center for the Colts for years. Now he plays Andrew's twin on ESPN. What do you think? It's wild how much this guy looks like i get it a lot yeah i i only know about this guy because people have sent it to me so many times i mean andrew that guy looks exactly if you told me that was you i wouldn't doubt the guy on the left which is you noah's done a comparison looks less like you than the guy than jeff saturday oh yeah yeah yeah i mean what's

interesting is he's like in real life that dude is a set like he's so much bigger than me yeah he would look like like we gotta we gotta get you guys together yeah i'm like jeff tuesday with how much i've done in my life do you feel uh insulted by that comparison? No, it's great. I mean, yeah. He's a good looking man. I'm sorry I missed that. I'm like... And we all know that you think Tuesdays are really hard for people. I'm more like Jeff Fatterday, if you know what I mean. My body's just

getting loose again. Pizzas. Anyhow, but yes, I've gotten that before. It's flattering. Your body's getting loose again? Yeah, my tits get loose, man. They do. Your tits get loose? Yeah, dude.

I was in that shirt yesterday and the whole time I'm thinking about my tits during the interview. Oh, really? Yeah, look at these things. They're just fucking tits. Why don't you just get

a breast reduction? I'm going to get breast cancer again. Not again. My dad got it the first don't you just get a breast reduction? I'm going to get breast cancer again. Not again. My dad got it the first time. You could get a breast reduction. It's not out of But they're so hot. Your joke does kill about

not wanting to shake your shirt off during sex because you're I don't want to look at my own face. You don't want to look at your tits and cum too soon. Yeah. So funny.

I wrote it. I didn't I didn't write that. I didn't even I wish I did. It's so funny. All right. Let wrote it. I didn't write that. I didn't even. I wish I did. It's so funny. All right. Let's get to a voice memo from Tanya or Tanya.

I think it's Tan. I'm going to say Tan. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, Noah. I'm such a big fan of the podcast. And I was just listening to the one where you were talking about when people mispronounce certain sayings or say them incorrectly, like doggy dog world and so on. And it made me think of something that happened to me the other day. I was talking to my therapist and was having a really heartfelt moment trying to talk to her about how I always, when things are going well, expect something bad to happen. And the phrase I went to her with was, I'm always waiting for the other ball to drop.

And I must have said it like three or four times in our one hour session. I'm always waiting for the other ball to drop. And later on in the day, I was thinking about it and I was like, oh my God, it's waiting for the other shoe to drop. Oh, I didn't even. And so I just have like these images of me trying to be really heartfelt and honest. And her like on the other end of the Zoom call trying not to laugh her ass off or snicker or just like thinking I'm such an idiot. Anyways. Yeah, she just mutes it and goes drop waiting for the other shoe to drop so you know what anyways it makes sense though waiting for the ball to drop

that's a thing that's new year's eve oh that's a saying though no waiting for the other shoe to drop like i'm always on edge like i'm always waiting for the next thing to happen i'm waiting for i'm guessing tanya struggles with I'm wondering I might give you some unsolicited advice that maybe if you were struggling if you said that a lot during your session of like waiting for the other shoe to drop you like you're always waiting for something something bad is gonna happen actually this might not help you but I'm guessing there's something that happened to you in your childhood that you did not expect that was totally traumatic and was you were either hit physically like honestly with a ball or

a shoe i have a friend who's like who can never relax and always feels in fear like something's bad's gonna happen i'm gonna get a text that someone dies or something. Yeah. And we were talking and I knew another anecdote from her life. And I was like, remember when your mom found out you had had sex and was very mad at you and ran into your room and woke you up by punching you pretty much? Like, well, you woke up from your sleep with her screaming at you and punching you in the head. Do you think maybe that's why you always think that something's going to like, the other shoe is going to. Yeah, because something positive turned extreme.

Well, it was just because it's just like, even if you're in a car accident or something and you're like singing to like, I don't want no scrubs. You know, like that, if a traumatic moment like that happens. So that doesn't really help. I don't know if it helps placing things, but maybe look into your past and see if anything like that um happens so that doesn't really help i don't know if it helps placing things but maybe look into your past and see if anything like that has happened which is my biggest fear is just something happening out of nowhere yeah that like there's nothing worse

than getting hit in the head like when i got hit in the head by a picture frame that like i bumped my nightstand and it or my bedpost it fell on my head it didn't that bad, but it hurt so much worse because it was a surprise. If someone would have hit me with it, I would have been okay, but because it was a surprise, it was like, ah! It was so much worse. That's why I'm always waiting for the Taylor Swift framed poster to fall. The other Taylor Swift framed poster. The other ball, too.

I just imagine a scrotum where one of the nuts has fell. That's all I kept picturing every time she kept saying other ball. But also, don't you think the shrink should say something there? No, no, no. Especially if someone's in a moment. We all know what she meant. No, no, no, no, no. I feel like the shrink that was testing her, her honesty.

Now let's go to Rebecca. Hey, Nikki, Andrew and Noah okay I know you were asking what the most ridiculous superstitious thing that we do is and I don't know why I do this or why I started doing this but I have to clear my microwave time to zero every single time or something awful will happen to my family. Whoa. I know. I know. Oh, my God.

If you could just let me know what to tell my therapist to prescribe me, that would be great. The I know was really weird there with you talking because it sounded like she was talking to us present here. I know that was crazy. I know. I have to go clear my microwave. Okay. That is. Is know that was crazy. I know. I have to go clear my microwave. Okay, that is... Is that that weird though? I feel like I get the second

part's weird. If I were her, I would switch to conventional ovens. It might take longer, but you'll save time. Yeah, make those bagel bites in the oven. Yeah, I wonder what... So if it's on like three seconds, if you take something out early, is that what she's saying? Yeah, she's got to clear it. If she doesn't i think i i wouldn't actually prescribe you anything i

think that gives you a sense of control where you obviously have none and it's it's the smallest thing and it don't i don't think it's taking from your life and that is annoying when there's like three seconds left and it gets you started for the next one but if you were to miss it and then if you go through like a whole like yeah where you start going like yeah i gotta call everyone to make sure they're okay and like don't get into a car today or don't go on a flight like that might be insane but that's an interesting one it's always interesting when they connect it to something so negative it's like it's like oh i gotta clear it to zero or you know um i might lose a sock but it's always like if I got to clear it to zero or I might lose a sock.

But it's always like if I don't clear it to zero, my dog will die in a fire. It's like why are we going to such an extreme thing over such a little minute thing? Because, yeah, it never is lose a sock. You're right. Yeah, it's always something like insane. So it's like you're already having these real negative thoughts and now you're connecting them maybe i look i used to see the number 1134 and think i was going to hell because it was hell spelled backwards oh whoa what about 9009 it flipped upside down did you think you were gonna see boobs no 80808 oh yeah but it but a capital b i was doing lowercase b

oh oh oh that would work too that would work right or maybe it'd be poop i don't know all right we got one more we got another voice message from heather oh look at her last name i mean it's i want to clear that. Hi, Nikki, Noah, and Andrew. Listen to you guys every day. Major Bestie. These are Canadians. Just calling in to let you know about something I said in my sleep. I was at a sleepaway soccer camp in a room with a whole bunch of my teammates in high school.

And in a British accent, I said, All right, everybody on the bus. That's my plan. Single file, please. And nobody ever let me down ever since. Thanks a lot, guys. Bye. I was in the middle of that.

I go, how does she know exactly what she said? And how does she remember this whole thing? And I know why. Because they never let it down. And you know that's exactly what she said. All right, everyone on the bus. Single file, please. What was the last part? That is she said. All right, everyone on the bus, single file, please. What was the last part?

That is so funny. All right, all right, everybody on the bus. And the fact that she did an accent means she was like, I would have bullied you so hard for that. Dude, it's so funny when it's such a long phrase. Like yours the other day. Hi, I'm Nikki Glaser. Like that was mine.

All right, everyone on the bus, I'm Nikki Glaser. Like it's such a long phrase. Like that's usually mine is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm falling. I know I've said some really weird things. I know. There's this app that will record what you say in your sleep.

And I want to use it so bad, but I can't because I use white noise when I sleep. And so my phone can't produce a noise and also record. But I probably say some really weird stuff. Is there anything else you've ever said? No. It's so funny to do it in another accent. Not that I would know isn't so weird that we like we're also scared of death but we're not scared at all of every single night we lose

consciousness and we go into a world where we don't know what's gonna happen we have no control over what we're gonna think about and we just we just, we're fine with that. We're going to go into another realm. We don't understand it. Science doesn't understand what dreams are, what really we're doing in our sleep, what's the purpose of it, why we, and we just like surrender to that and know that anything outside of us could happen.

We're just laying there like a limp body and we're all okay with that. We'll sleep on the subway. There's a guy with a knife. I sleep on the plane better than anywhere I've ever slept. I love sleeping on the subway. There's a guy with a knife. I sleep on the plane better than anywhere I've ever slept. I love sleeping on a plane. We got to go to final thought. I want to get the karaoke mic really quick and just test out the professional thing really quick.

I'll talk to Noah while you're doing that. Have you ever had sleep paralysis, Noah? No, I've never had sleep paralysis. Have you? Yeah, yeah. A lot, especially when I used to drink a lot. Like the next night, my body would be so exhausted. My mind would be awake, but I couldn't move my body.

And so I would go move arms in my brain, move arms, and my arms wouldn't move. And I'm like, I'm dead. I'm definitely dead right now. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? I haven't. Oh, my God. That's where you feel like something's sitting on your chest. Is that it? You haven't. Oh, my God. That's where you feel like something's sitting on your chest. Is that it?

You can't. Yeah. Your arms. You can't. Your brain is wide awake, but your body's dead. Whoa. It's fucking wild. But like millions of people had it.

Thank God I Googled it. And like, you're one of two million people that have sleep paralysis. And you would say, move arms, move. Dude, I would go move arms. It's like locked in syndrome. My face would twitch. And I'm sure someone probably listening right now is like, yeah, you have some kind of disease. Please don't tell him that.

He doesn't need another thing that he might think he has. Just need a banana. But I feel like your hypochondria has been pretty good. I mean, Zoloft. Oh, I saw yesterday that there's a vaccine coming out for HIV. Oh, wow. Will that make you feel better? Sure.

I don't even really think about that stuff anymore that much. Because of Zoloft, you think? Yeah. Zoloft. What are you just doing with your tongue? I'm trying to get food out of my teeth. My tooth. Trying to get my tooth out of my food.

All right. We got to go. I have a rib stuck between my two teeth. Here's the little karaoke mic. Oh, my God, dude. It's so cool, you guys, this thing. It has a speaker on it that projects as well as an amp. So this is – let me just do it.

Power off. Okay. Power on. Okay. Karaoke mode. This is karaoke mode this is karaoke mode it's very echoey and it makes you sound better okay so no i can't the debate here is don't tell her what mode it is so then she just has to go this is better so then she's not she's gonna hear it because it's gonna go but just just okay okay

okay noah has no horse in this game. Noah. I'm a little horse. Okay, here we go. I have no ball to drop. Okay, so here's karaoke mode, and I think that professional mode takes away any effect because it's for professional singers. Andrew thinks professional mode makes you sound more professional. So, this is karaoke mode.

Master mode. This is master mode. Professional mode. Professional mode. You didn't sing as good as... This is professional mode. Okay, now, Noah, before you answer, just imagine it's in a living room on Zoom. So you don't want to, my argument is you don't also want to echo too much. No, the argument is, is professional mode for professionals or is it to make you sound professional?

Which one is this? Karaoke. This is karaoke mode. Master mode. This is master mode. Professional mode This is professional mode They all sound the same now Yeah

I can't tell the difference I can't either But you know what I do want to get to Before we go Yeah Okay so Noah and I are obsessed Well Well we both think Casey From FBoy Island is so adorable.

Yeah. I mean, and like he's – Noah, would you say he's your fave? Like in terms of like if you were going for a guy on the show? He is one of my faves, yes. Wait a second. Tell me who you would have gone after on the show if if you were on the show if I was on the show like really looking for a relationship I would

have gone with Josh yes yes 100% but as someone looking to to destroy your life and have someone abandon you yeah to get fucked by the doc by a starfish you want to be a doc, you go to school.

Casey's up there, right? I would say Casey's my number one. Casey's so charming. Yeah, I would love to have sex with Casey. But I told Noah, there's certain clips. Casey knows, as much as Garrett knows how to grab a girl's neck and make her, that's a hot thing. Casey has a thing that he does that makes you instantly love him where he says your name.

If a guy says your name, it's so hot. And Casey has said my name a couple times on the show. And I got to admit, I've watched them over and over because I'm just like, oh, my God. And it's made me like him more. It's a Dale Carnegie technique. Yeah, but listen to this. You know, Nikki, there's a lot of things that I want

to say to her. Your face. When he said, you know, Nikki, I remember him saying it the first time and I was just like, okay. I hope you stay on the show. You're just adorable. And then there was one more time, right? You feeling anything or no? No. No, not from you.

How about on karaoke mode? Put it on Casey mode. I'm surprised. Damn, Nikki. But sadly. Damn, Nikki. Wait, play damn Nikki again. Okay, see?

I'm surprised. Damn, Nikki. But sadly. These guys are smooth. They like they're smooth they played sports they're around like cool jocks their whole life they're they have i'm sure a ton of diverse friends yeah they're just cool diverse friends black friends okay and who taught them how to be smooth? Yes. I'm waiting for the other ball to drop here. Basketball? Smooth ball? No.

I'm always cooler and more sexy when I'm hanging around my black friends that have way more game than I've ever had. Yeah. I mean, I'd say you need to get some more then. I'm trying. They're not at the golf course. Wait, what about Bagger Vance who came out of nowhere that one time? Did he teach you anything? We got to go.

This show is getting controversial. We're going to get canceled. Let it. We love you for watching. This is the end of the podcast for this week. Next week we'll be back. We're going to be in Napa. We're going to be all over California this weekend, but we'll be back here in St. Louis from the studio.

Thank you so much for listening. Don't be kid out there. And... Yeah, bye. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

Dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radioRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.