The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #89 A Moment's Notice

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

Nikki ponders how we used to spend our time as kids when we couldn't go outside and also takes you through her latest Sephora haul. Andrew is ok with convenience but Nikki likes to walk an extra mile at the airport. You Heard it Here First, how do you dispose of a sex doll?, RIP OnlyFans, another unfortunate 'Ledge Head' and a gratuitous battle of the nerds. In the Top1 Bottom1 they discuss childhood toys. Nikki and Andrew end the show by peeping their latest searches. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's Monday, it's the Nikki Glaser podcast So happy to be here in our podcast studio in St. Louis, Missouri You know what, people don't even know I'm in St. Louis It's wild how many of my friends in LA and New York have no idea I live in St. Louis They all think I'm in the other place, whether it's New York or LA

And let them think that, why not? I can be there in a moment's notice. It's just a short Southwest flight away. God, I love Southwest. I could do without the flight attendants making jokes. Yesterday, our flight attendant was really taking some liberties before we took off. I guess they can't start the actual, you know, nuts and bolts of like the script until you leave the gate, until you like pull off the gate. I didn't know that because he was just rambling.

And then as soon as we pulled off, he goes, okay, sorry guys, I was stalling. But he said something about, I had my AirPods in which muffle everything but i i overheard him going like because we're americans and there are we're it's all america on this flight and i was just like what and then i took it out and i think he realized he was i think he was making a like he was just rambling and then he realized it sounded like trumpy and then he goes and maybe there's some visitors here I'm like visitors like uh or uh what did he call them I don't even know I mean

no way you are a visitor visitor to this country yes I mean you moved here at what age? When I was seven. Seven. When did you get your citizenship? I was a teenager. I think I was maybe like 16 or 17. Did you have to take the test and like go through all the, and like memorize all the stuff that we as Americans don't know? Well, I was in school. I think I was in junior high school or i was in high school and um i just remember kind of freaking out about it like a test but it wasn't anything

too complicated yeah glubb cefchenko recently took it and he was quizzing us on stuff and uh he asked me what did he ask he, what were the original 13 colonies? And I embarrassingly, everyone at the table, it was Anya. It was the first stop of our tour in San Antonio. We went out to dinner the night before. It was me, my assistant Jen, slash co-tour manager, co-tour manager Matt Pond. Matt Pond, PA, is his musical name name anya marina andrew and gleb gleb's quizzing us and i'm nailing most of the questions they're easy uh like first president

who signed the um name some people who signed the declaration of Independence. What is the Bill of Rights? Stuff like that. And then he said, what are the original 13 colonies? I'm thinking, I was like Jamestown. I said Roanoke. And everyone goes, Roanoke. Roanoke. And I'm like, I don't know. Sorry. I was thinking of like actual little towns but the 13 colonies were like states I didn't know that and you know what fuck it I know what I know and I and you know what I want to do a segment on the show because Andrew and I find ourselves being so stupid so often and I am a know-it-all for sure and I don't I want to make it clear to everyone that although I think I'm very smart about in some areas, I am very stupid about other stuff. I remember one time on You Up, when we were doing the Sirius show, we kind of toyed with doing the segment and we just tossed out a general question that was, what is physics and boy was that hilarious to listen to us try to describe in in generality what physics or so i think a fun segment would be um are you like like are you dumber than a fifth grader but like how dumb are you and then me and andrew try to describe like concepts like what is geometry or um try your best to explain what a black hole is

or string theory these things that like i would i would be like the you know how string theory is the name of the book i read to learn how to do cat's cradle with that weird string that you do that i still know how to do jacob's ladder that's the only one i can still do did you ever do those noah where with the little strings where you like this and this and then you go this as a kid yeah but i never like i never got it it wasn't a thing that stuck what did you do as a child to pass the time when we were waiting in canc or uh when we just went to tulum i forget where we flew into cancun yeah we're at the airport waiting um we saw us two little girls doing this like yeah patty cake but like doing doing the one that's like really like a lot of different movements andrew and i have a fun handshake that's what we used to do as kids before phones and tablets and. We used to just make up little handshakes. I mean, I know it's been said before,

but what the hell did we do before phones? Last night, Andrew didn't have his phone with him. Did you see the video I posted? He had his phone, but it died on the plane. And this guy, I wanted to get off my phone because I felt so bad. Like, it was like eating a sandwich in front of someone who's starving. He's just like, so what are your, like, what are your apps doing? Like, what's going on with Waze? He just wanted to know anything. No, he didn't. He was just, like, looking at the road.

I don't even know. I don't want to know what was going on in that brain of his. He was very, he was chewing on a lot of skin last night or yesterday, which is his anxiety thing. And I know it doesn't help for me to go, what's going on in that brain of his he was very he was chewing on a lot of skin last night or yesterday which is his anxiety thing and I know it doesn't help for me to go what's going on dude you're chewing on your hand a lot are you anxious like I was trying to like but being around someone who's constantly gnawing I just feel like is it something I'm doing and yeah it could have been we'll get to the root of it no what did you do as a child to pass the time like what were if you were in a waiting room, I mean, what kids are in waiting rooms? But like, you know, when you were a kid and didn't, you know, let's not say, let's say you didn't watch, with no technology, what were you doing?

Well, if I was in a waiting room, I used to have like the Mad Libs. So I used to do that for entertainment. Mad Libs were so fun. Yeah. And you learn, you know, about grammar. Right, exactly. They used to make me laugh so hard reading them back. You are so cute. I can only imagine a little Noah reading back. Now give me an adjective. And then it's just like green and you're like, green slime. It works. Like you just being so cute. Mad Libs were so fun. We used to do those in car rides.

And for some reason they were like a treat. Like why didn't we just have Mad Libs all the time? Do you ever think about things you got as a treat as a kid? And you're like, that wasn't that like expensive. My parents, it wasn't like Disneyland. My parents could have just gotten us. Mad Libs are like a buck for four of them. For like, you know those they they came

where the the binding is at the top kind of like a notebook and then did you ever do uh word searches you know yeah like like that puzzle and you would have to love those i love all the word games those are fun for children when you see an adult doing a word search i you need to be a special needs adult or i need you to explain yourself if no adult should be doing word searches sometimes artie fuqua uh comedian posts these things on instagram you know these dumb memes that are like, the first two words you see are the word are the things that are most important to you. And like, they'll be like sex, and then it'll be like, horny and diamonds, money, family. And it's just like, I always just see,

you know, I see a myriad. No, I just see like, I, and you fall for those things where we always want to know things about ourselves. And like, that's what I've realized on these TikToks. Anything that tells you about yourself, people love. The TikTok I keep seeing is the one that's like, will you do it with me, Noah? Okay. This is the TikTok and this is the TikTok voice. If you want, I mean, it's not, usually this is a man's voice that does

it. You know how they pick an audio. I don't know. I don't need to explain TikTok to anyone. And if I do need to explain it, just don't listen to this podcast. I'm just kidding. Please do. But there's this voice that isn't all the TikToks. It's so annoying. This voice is not used for this particular TikTok. This TikTok is rampant on there, but it's usually a guy's voice being like, if you want to do your model face, but I'm working on doing the TikTok voice. So if you want to know what your model face is, smile without moving your face. Then raise your eyebrows. Now stop, then drop everything. Then drop your smile. Okay, no, smile. It goes smile without moving anything. Raise your eyebrows and then drop it all. Wait, wait, drop. No, drop. Drop the smile. We got to find it. But it's so fun because you do it when you're watching it.

There was another one the other day that was like, here's how to take the perfect selfie. And it was like, raise your eyebrows, squint your eyes, say the letter L, but don't say it. And it makes you do a face that is like a hot face. I don't know. Do you want to see my hot? I mean, this isn't good for our audio listeners, but we got some, you know, video up in this bitch. This is my, what's your like go-to wait I bet I could do your go-to pose no because I've posed in so many pictures with you god you looked so hot in that

one in Tulum it like made me angry I do like an up as much as like I used you know like girls used to always take pictures from above and the joke used to be like, hey, dad, could you get on a, you know, a high dive and take a picture of me so that it's like hides double chins and it makes you look really. But that's not I look better from below. Like my angle, I kind of look good with when I'm like, what's up? And I don't know why. I think it's because it makes my lip look a little bit fuller. Because I'm a TLB, a thin lip bitch. Y'all know it. I did recently get a lip flip, though.

Got a little injectables right here, and it makes it go broop. It's pretty cool. I just got a Sephora haul I want to go through really quick. Maybe a little ASMR-y. And, you know, if there are guys listening to this, you're not interested. Maybe you have girls in your life, and you need to get get them a gift maybe we'll find something in here that you would be into getting I got this last night um I do not remember what I ordered late at night on Sephora on my Sephora app um I did this on stage this weekend Noah I went through a girl's

purse and she had a Sepphora coupon or a um receipt it was a long story but anya's guitar didn't work on stage for some reason it was not working i had to go out and save her and so i go let's just let's just talk and so no uh um sorry anya and i were talking about living together and i was like she used to do a really good impression of me when i would come home from my day and she needed up someone's purse to do it because the impression is her throwing her opening the door throwing her purse on the ground and going oh it's just like going like that so that's her great impression of me because that's the way I am but she took this girl's purse and I go I'm actually gonna take this purse while on so Anya's guitar was fixed and I go I'm gonna take

this backstage can I go through it and like make fun of stuff in here and the girl was like sure her name was Taylor Glazer I opened her wallet backstage while Anya singing and her name is Taylor Glazer her last name is Glazer spelled the same way mine is and I realized Taylor Glazer is the name that I hope someday exists for Taylor Swift when we get married and she takes my name. Because I feel like I'll be the masculine energy in that relationship. Okay, let's get through the Sephora haul. How much money do you think I spend at Sephora, Noah? $232.

Damn it, it doesn't say on here. It doesn't say, but it's got to be, I mean, I can look it up on my app. It's got to be like $300, I think, maybe up on my app. It's got to be like 300 bucks, I think, maybe 400. It's so disgusting. What did you guess? I guess $232.63. That's the number that came to my head. $232.63.

I mean, I have to check if you're right because that is so specific. It's like beautiful. Okay. Order. Order, order info. Sorry, this is not interesting. Oh, God, it won't even give it to me. Fuck it. We'll find it later, and we'll get to it for the final thought. Okay, so I got this thing called Glowish by Hydra. Who da beauty? Me. Who da beauty? Me. This is light. Oh, this is a bronzer.

I needed a new compact bronzer, because I've been using, like, a big palette of bronzers, oh it's this is a um a bronzer i needed a new compact bronzer because i've been using like a big palette of bronzers and it's too big and sometimes i forget and i need to bring it backstage so this is the light color glowish it's not very light at all it's gonna look awesome i'll put a little on because i didn't have any i also got either beauty topaz mini crystal palette i'm guessing this is eyeshadow do you you wear eyeshadow, Noah? Not so much, but I always put it on when I wear my waterproof Kat Von D eyeliner.

Your what-proof? My waterproof. Water? My water-proof. Your waterproof Kat Von D eyeliner? Because it helps take it off easier when it's not directly on my skin. Ah, yes.

Okay, gotcha. it's almost like you use it as a primer primers are what there is used so that it sticks and then it like kind of comes off easier yeah this is a cute um this is a great little palette I don't like the big palettes of eyeshadow they're always like 400 colors like you're a little like the kind of marker sets I used to get as a kid. Too much. This is just four. How do you apply eyeshadow?

Do you use your finger or do you have an actual wand for it? I use a brush because I buy brushes all the time. I always buy synthetic, like cheap brushes. You don't need to invest a lot in brushes. I always buy brush kits

to keep them like clean and separate, but they always end up just mushy in my bag and I never clean them. I just buy new ones. It's not very green um but this what i do with my eyeshadow is like and this is honestly this is not helpful to anyone who doesn't do eyeshadow but what i found is like the creases on the side i don't go all the way on the lid i do a light lid and then i do like black in the in the crease on the side on the very side then i did bye bye under eye this is by it cosmetics which does my favorite cc cream which

is the only foundation i use and this is an under eye uh stuff oh and look at what that look look what i got you remember when i revealed my favorite skincare product? Yeah, do you? Maybe you don't. Well, if you don't, you got to go back and find it because I only going to reveal it once because I didn't want anyone else to get it. I got five of them. Stocking up, bitches. It's by The Ordinary. I'll tell you what it is again. 100% plant derived squalane. It's amazing. You can use it as lube you can use it on your face your body whatever you want let's just get through this oh this body wash is amazing i got this from idea from the cut the cut is this uh the strategist sorry new york magazine has

a blog or a website called the cut i think it it's, no, The Strategist. It's all about buying things. I mean, it's like so stupid and consumerist and I hate that about it, but it also just tells you, there's one thing where it's like 10 things I couldn't live without and celebrities do it. They actually, I asked them to interview me for it

and I made a whole list and they never published it. But I got this idea, I think, from Nina Dobrev's 10 Things You Can't Live Without. And it's called Necessaire, Necessaire, The Body Washed. And it's eucalyptus smell. And it is amazing. It just smells, it's like 20 bucks, but it's body wash. And it's, oh, I can already smell it.

It's so good. I really recommend this. And it's boys like it, girls like it. And it just smells really, really good. It makes you feel rich rich it's like from us like it smells like a hotel spa i got a new eyebrow um uh pencil which i'll lose oh another one of these six i got a brow powder duo from anastasia that i'll probably lose and never really use oh i got a uh a soft pinch i think this was on sale oh rare beauty lip let's see how it is yeah this i could have gotten wet and wild at walgreens for 199 and it would be the same as

this that i probably spent 14 on and then i got a mark jaco eyeliner. I don't even know what this is. Oh, eyeliner I think. I usually use the Kat Von D thing too. Oh, yeah, this is going to be good. It's a new eyeliner. Marc Jacobs. No big deal. And then a Sephora simple brow pen.

Killing it. Oh, wait. No, that's my... Alright, that's it. That's my Sephora haul hall let's get andrew in here oh i have one minute left what could i say in one minute um when i was a kid we used to play mash to pass the time i loved mash i loved um god what else did we do gymnastics we would just like you jump rope um games yeah a little bit of jump rope we would do a lot of like bike riding and but i'm trying to think of like if we were stuck in a place where we couldn't run around like what kind of things we would do oh we would do the game

where you close your eyes and you go up your arm with your finger on your friend's arm and you try to guess when it gets to the the crease of the elbow and then they're wrong and i don't know what you prove um we would finger each other no we didn't do that but some kids did you know the experiment don't do that um or do i mean i don't i don't mean to tell you what to do um they're uh this weekend was so much fun i really shout out to taylor glazer by the way who let me go through her purse. And I found so many things. She let me go through her phone. She gave me her password for her phone.

And I was going through that. I was texting with her family, trying to get dirt on her to make fun of her on stage. She loved Disney. Her fiance was there. I go, are you going to take your fiance's name? His last name was Matata. And then she loved Disney.

And then later on i put it together i go oh my god hakuna matata you gotta take his name you love and no one got it and i go that's pretty great i got so heckled in um napa by a drunk woman who loved me which is always conflicting we'll get into that and and so much more when i get Andrew in here right now. Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Yo. Yo. hey andrew yo good morning baby no baby good morning sugared boobs sugar i like that sugar boobs because that doesn't that sounds baby is i mean for your dad. Yeah. Don't. No, sugar tits is what my dad calls me. But you can say sugar boobs. Babies, I don't like baby.

I want to save that for my lover. You hate sugar more than baby. Do I hate sugar or babies more? I don't know. It's close. I've said that I will go the rest of my life without either of them. I don't want, what's it called? What's it called uh what's

it called when sugar is like like added sugar i don't want added uh baby processed babies or um so you only do babies in the raw you don't want babies in a lab or your food i might take a baby in a lab though would you rather eat a baby okay let's say you were a plane crashed and you were on a plane full of processed sugar, food, and babies. What would you eat? Come on, Andrew. Andrew. What would you eat? Andrew.

I would eat. I would look for people that had hangnails that they need bitten off and I would chew on those. They're not on the flight except for the pilot. Just like you yesterday. I showed you, I almost posted the footage of you gnawing on your hands. So, Noah, when I was boarding my flight, Andrew and I had a little time before our flight. We ate lunch together at a table,

and I just noticed he was really going hard on his hands. And I didn't want to say anything because I was like, I don't want to stress you out more, but sometimes I just want to go hey what's going on because there's a reason why I had to put a bandaid on my leg today because I was picking it because I was nervous about my day I have a meeting later on with

my lit agent and I haven't made a decision about my book and that's why I'm doing that I know it and my date later there's a lot going on why was that yesterday I like these shorts, by the way. Not in a sexual way, just very cool. I don't know if you can open it up like that.

Oh, hey-o! I got them at Saks on sale for like $100. I want to have Saks with them, huh? Come on. Why would I buy these for that much money? I don't think they were $100. I think they were like $50. But they saw me coming on these.

But they're fun. Yeah, I love them. Mary Lynn Ricegub got me into having fun pants when she was on our show. She stood up and they were so fun. And I go, I need more of those in my life. Well, those are fun. They're not pants, are they? Capris?

They're biker shorts. Wait, what were we talking about right before that? Chewing your skin. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm a nail biter. I've been a nail biter my whole life. No, no, no, but yesterday you were really going hard on them. So what was going on?

I think I was just still hungry. I don't know if my chicken salad sandwich did the trick. Sometimes I'm just still wanting something in my mouth. Also, when I tend to drink more caffeine and I'm flying, anxiety's up, even though I don't feel that anxious. You always tell me to get you a cold brew, and I always get you an iced coffee because cold brew is so much more caffeine and i don't think you know that i think you just think it's another word for iced coffee and i was right no not completely i knew cold brew i didn't know how much stronger it was i yeah i'm just trying to i mean i'm trying to like help you out a little bit here and there you love changing my order you you get my order and

then you go well this is actually what you need because the thing here and there. You love changing my order. You get my order and then you go, well, this is actually what you need. Because the thing is, Andrew doesn't even... Yesterday at the... Because Andrew will just have whatever... I could be like, hey, let me get a... He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't. Andrew, so often.

But Andrew, it's true. Yesterday we were at the airport. Don't go. Don't do it. I didn't. There's food in there, actually, from either the pizza last night. No midnight shits, by the way. Just wanted to let everyone know.

Oh, good. And you had a pizza late at night. Yeah, late at night pizza. So, yeah. But I had a morning shit. But anyways, yeah, go ahead. Yesterday, we get to the airport a little bit early, and I get through sooner than him because I'm TSA pre, and he's regular.

He's one of the plebes and i get through and i am well i i like it's a short it's not a long terminal like we're talking a quarter mile back and forth right like not even back and forth like the whole thing and i like to scope out every food option especially when i have time before i select what i want because i want to have the best possible one now if we're talking there's like four terminals i'm not where i have a short amount of time i'm not gonna i'm gonna just choose something i always mitigate you know but andrew will always he will just pick what's right in front of him as opposed to walking one gate down that might have his favorite thing he's ever eaten he'd rather eat a shitty sandwich that will just

do the trick. Now, I don't know if you're an Andrew or Nikki, if you're a llama or a hedgehog, but hedgehogs just take whatever's in front of them, and llamas like to select. Noah, what are you in this scenario? When llamas are in an airport, they're always very discerning. You're a llama?

In this scenario, I'm the llama. Now, okay, and this goes for everything with you andrew like if you would go to a store and the first rack of clothing you would see you would instead of going throughout the whole store now granted you're saving time but i almost don't think you're saving time because the sandwich that you eat is gonna make you you could find something that goes through your system better and then you would spend less time on the toilet because you looked a little bit harder. Because I looked harder and went to one place that

I go, Pete's Coffee is not going to have salads. Because all these salads are like, you look at a salad and you go, oh, this is more nutritious and better for you than this vegan wrap. They had a vegan wrap yesterday at this place and I was like, that's what I'm going to get. Then I go, let me just check these salads over here.

Every salad was like 780 calories for half of it and I'm like this is for like a vegetarian salad that looks it's called like healthy salad I'm like and then it's like there was 39 grams of sugar in one of these salads and I literally go what the fuck and this guy next to me like looked at me and I go I go third I didn't even say it, but I'm like, 39 grams of sugar in this salad that has edamame. It looks like it's just lying to you about being healthy. But those cranberries and then the dressing. I know it sounds like I'm obsessed with food, but that's, you've got to read labels, not because of calories, but you just don't think salads are going to, and I know this is, everyone goes, oh oh salads are we we already know nikki that salads can be tricky i'm not talking about salads with fried chicken on them that's what people go oh

fried chicken and cheese on salads that's not really a salad i'm talking about salads that look healthy by all aspects of it so then i went a little bit further and i found the most delicious thing i've ever had in an airport quinoa with all these roasted vegetables and this vinaigrette that was light and not too sugary and it was divine and i would have just settled for that dumb salad and not use the dressing because of the sugar and not eating the cranberries and it would have been bland and i didn't do that because i wanted i just went a little bit harder you didn't even ask me if i liked my food i liked my food i had a chicken salad sandwich uh with a little too much lettuce on there so i got rid of the lettuce it was on a croissant just french yeah i mean and i had and

i had nacho doritos which i didn't i know i rarely eat chips but i felt like putting some chips on top of the sandwich i chipped it up it was a little crunchy a little soft taylor swift delicious burritos delicious yeah and with a diet coke topped it off with a diet coke it's not my best meal it's not my healthiest meal but it's a nice airport meal we're talking about um just go doing a little bit more to make it that much better yeah and i and and you like the other day you posted a backstage picture of you wearing the onesie that i got so no let me explain those outfits that you may have seen on tour so i i love to really i'm trying to go taylor swift like

you know uh reputation tour lover like i'm trying to dress like a pop star on stage because why not you know these are big theaters it's a big event i can and and i want to just respect the audience to be like i dressed up for you i'm really like giving it my all and it makes me feel important and pretty and fun and so i was on rent the runway because i've been buying outfits they're like 400 for a dress and then i don't wear it again and i can give it to my mom to sell on ebay and she can like sorry i just burped she can tell people like nikki glazer wore this but people are gonna be like who or i don't even they don't even care it's not gonna resell for anywhere close to 400 or i can do rent the runway which i used to love to do i used to do their monthly fee with like 100 something bucks and you get four outfits and you can rotate them as much as you want and

i had a lot of fun with that for a while until i realized rent the runway like their their buyers were just buying some really ugly stuff. But I recently went on there because I go, oh, well, I never looked at their, like, fun, like, stage wear, like, night out dresses. I was always buying, like, you know, day wear. And they have so much fun stuff. The thing about Rent the Runway is, and let me just tell you, you guys should all do this. You and your friends can wear the same exact thing. If you buy a Rent the Runway thing and you rent it for four or eight days oh i have to return it today

actually i was looking and they give you so they let you pick out a size that you think is your size and then they let you get one extra size for free just in case that one doesn't fit because you know you can't try it on there and so i realized i generally know what size I'm going to be why don't I buy an extra size that would either fit Anya or Andrew so that we can match when we do the dance at the end and so yeah Renther 1 is a little suspicious when I'm getting a size what my size and then a size 14 also which is like kind of the spectrum you don't know what you're gonna eat you might need that bigger salad you know 38 grams yeah maybe I could just tell them if they ask well i don't lie but i could tell them i could i could just be uh doing a role where i'm pregnant and uh yeah in the in the play that i'm

wearing this for um uh and so i yeah you were wearing this insane jumper that made you kind of look like harry styles you loved the pants which were like kind of a flared pink pant. He loved them. He gave me a big moose knuckle, though, and a side cock, which didn't look terrible. But anyways, go ahead. What do you mean it didn't look terrible? You're a little proud of your penis? It just looks like because the pants were so high, it looked like my dick hanged farther

than it normally would on a normal pair of pants. It was an interesting illusion. I like that. Yeah, I felt like David Cockerfield. We know what happened to the Statue of Liberty. Everybody made that thing disappear. How?

Illusion. Run the runway. So thenrew takes a picture backstage of himself i'm on stage i go andrew he's on when i so i go out in an outfit to to uh anya finishes her song i come out with her i'm in one outfit the audience goes oh this is what she's wearing okay we thought we'd expect more and i go no no no just wait i'm going to do an outfit change next time you see me i will look different so then i go back andrew does 10 minutes i have 10 minutes to change into the jumper i change into the jumper i go out on stage andrew uh comes off stage then by the end of the two hours that i did on saturday night two hours of stand-up new stand stand-up. And I

was scared that I didn't have 20 new minutes. So thank you Monterey for staying out, or Napa for staying out late that night. Andrew, while I'm on stage in those two hours, he takes a picture of himself backstage in the outfit. Maybe this was in Monterey. This was in Monterey. But yeah, and then I put it on again

in Napa. Yeah, but you took a picture backstage and then I saw it when I came off stage and I go, Andrew, just wait to post something. Can't you just wait until I can take a picture that isn't... His picture is blurry. It's foggy because he didn't wipe his lens. It's a selfie in the mirror.

He could have framed it so... He doesn't understand that... No, I do. I'm not... No, you don't. I'm not... I don't think you... What do you... I understand that no i do i'm not no you don't i'm not i don't think you want what what do you i understand that it could look cleaner and better i like when it looks rugged and i'm already in this pink outfit so it's like i don't want it to like look perfect i think it's funnier i'm leaning towards funny the picture is already funny i i would have to say that i don't think you understand and i've told you this before and maybe i'm so out of line here lighting in a picture and like

the way it looks aesthetically is so in the color and the brightness and the just the pleasingness of the picture means something i know it could be better that's why like when i started an instagram live yesterday in our cab on the way home we started one on nikki glazer pod thank you to everyone who watched we started one in the cab andrew goes we're live and it was dark there was no lights in the cab i think you're you lean towards the side of anal about things you know i do and i lean towards more the pussy no i don't know i lean where we're on opposite sides of the spectrum some would say you're over analytical like over go look at my room i am not that anal when it comes to clean stuff and no no but if it was on video if we go hey let's go video your your room and put it on your main instagram that shit's

going to be clean as fuck no no it won't be clean what it will be is well lit because i do know that on instagram when i'm scrolling i tend to like photos that are bright when you put your phone in grayscale and make it boring looking that's a way for people to stay off their phones more because everything looks boring brightness and lighting and a photo having good contrast and Yes. If you send it to me, I can put it in Snapseed, which is my photo editor app that I paid $5.99 for. I can give me 30 seconds and I can make a photo. And I bet you anything, it will get at least 25% more likes. This is what we're going to do.

You do the Snapseed thing. Obviously, they've already seen the photo on my Instagram. I'm going to do a side-by-side in my stories and do a poll on which one do you like well i wouldn't have i wouldn't have allowed you to give me that photo because it was so grainy and i would have just asked you to stand in some good lighting and i would have taken a photo and then two seconds later you would have had a photo that would have killed my thing is is that i feel like my uh lack of awareness and stuff annoys you. Yeah, it really does. And whenever you're OCD.

I'm so flattered when everyone thinks I'm OCD because it makes me feel like I'm clean, but I'm not. But your attentiveness to detail and needing something to be perfect when you want it to be perfect. Yeah. Doesn't really annoy me that much. I know. Like, if things get to you that I do more than I feel like the other way around. I know, but it doesn't need to be a two-way street, you know? No, no, no.

You don't drive on those. No. I understand that it's annoying how annoyed I get at you. I just want you, I just know that you could get 25% more likes. Likes mean something to you, and, like, it would help your brand. Like, I'm just trying to help you get more followers. No, I just know that you could get 25% more likes. Likes mean something to you. And like, it would help your brand. Like, I'm just trying to help you get more followers and have more aesthetically pleasing stuff. And I get that you just put stuff up and it's like rugged. And there's a part of you that, there's a part of that about you that is so beautiful.

And I wish I could embrace like the way that you write some of your jokes. It's like the way it comes out, the way you say it right away. It's like so brilliant and you never even need to touch it again and it just works and then and there's also something about how you can be happy with whatever sandwiches they have backstage you don't need but for me you know when i ask you like like uh you know when we got off stage on in napa or in monterey when i got off stage uh anya had said before like are we gonna do dinner and i go guys i already put on my writer everything i want to like satisfy me for food for tonight i kind of just like eat all my snacks for

dinner and i like that and i made it clear to you guys i sent each of you an email from my assistant saying what would you like on the writer so that whenever you're hungry backstage you have exactly what you would want and none of you put anything on it yeah it's free food i put a couple things i put cashews and dates i should put some chicken salad and some there you go and some but andrew is a person that when you the other night no i went to the groceries i was going to whole foods whole foods i finished my run and i took a scooter to whole foods because it was too far away after my run wait what you scootered from our apartment to no no i went on a run and then my run went didn't end exactly where i wanted it to at four miles i would stop at four miles and so then i

scooted the rest of the way on my little line was so fun i wrote andrew and i go hey i'm at whole foods do you want anything and i always know what he wants zv we we always want more zvia and so that's a foregone conclusion um and he wrote back no i'm good and then i had already grabbed him four pizza three pizzas no two pizzas one for myself which he ate the one that was for me but that's okay i didn't tell you i got you two how am i supposed to know that because it was vegan and then i got you two cauliflower ones for you i've been eating vegan ones oh i thought i thought i brought it doesn't matter but this is why i don't ask because i don't care does that hurt your

feelings it doesn't hurt my feelings but you break when you break things down you're so attentive to these kind of things that i'd rather have you not get me anything and then it just be separate and we have a boundary there rather than you going well i got you this pizza and then this pizza was for me he goes no i'm good and i go i got you pizzas i'm already in line it's fine and he goes thanks and that was it so then i got home and guess who immediately puts a pizza in the oven because he has nothing else to eat. I knew he had no food at home.

That's, I knew that already. Cause I live here. What would you have done? I would have figured it out. I think I'm 41. I've eaten without you. I could eat without you. But listen, I go, Noah, I go, what would you have done if I didn't get you that pizza?

That's now in the oven. And he goes, I would have gone to Whole Foods. And I go, but I was there. And I asked if you wanted something and I would have bought it Whole Foods. And I go, but I was there and I asked if you wanted something and I would have bought it for you. And why wouldn't you just tell me? Because I, because like I said, I don't, I'm not being like, I need to do it myself, whatever.

But I just feel like when we start buying things for each other, it just, it can affect. Like today I had a Zevia and you're like hey can you wait on the zevia then that makes me go well i don't want to share anymore because now there's counting now there's not counting i just don't have a lot left and i but there was no there was a full a full case that's not a lot i need two cases i know but like so like before i left right and i don't this is why like i bought a whole thing of zevia when i got back there was no zevia left i don't give a shit right because you've gotten a ton of shit and i i try to get just as much shit and think about it as well but so then when you go hey don't have any more zevia

when it's one of 12 i didn't say don't i said hey would it be okay if you ate drank the spin drifts that we got sent a ton of spin drifts that you like and i go can you have spin drifts until you get us more zevia that's all i said i know but then that but why does that make you feel so sad i didn't say it's not sad it doesn't make me sad what the fuck i wasn't throwing things at you i think um you're scared of of just being confronted about anything yeah i mean i yeah i just don't understand what the what's so bad about me saying hey these zv is that i but you're not scared to confront no because why so i think that's where we have a disconnect because i think like there's these times when like like yesterday like we're in the car and you wanted to put something on on the radio that wasn't for me at all yeah and you

didn't ask me at all and i know that we're're on. But then you said, can you take this off the radio? And I said, okay. I know. I know. But I almost just had it on the whole time. Well, that would have been you not having boundaries. I know. And that's not my fault. I'm not saying it's your fault.

I'm saying it's partly my fault, too. I was honestly putting it on because I thought it was going to be better than you being in silence with me listening with my headphones, which was the alternative. But don't you think, for me, it would have been better if low music with that in your ears? I couldn't have music on because I needed to hear it yeah well i ended up playing les mis on my left did you know i had les mis on no but i will say i looked at your phone when we were uh when we were flying and you were sleeping next to me and it was Les Mis like I dreamed a dream

of time gone by. And it's just so funny that Andrew is like wearing all this golf attire like just such a dude and it's just Les Mis on his phone like just constantly. I love Les Mis so much. I do too.

Why don't we ever sing Les Mis on our live? We do. There is a castle on a cloud I like to go there in my sleep. We need to get to the news. Please pull up the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Oh, boy. We had a hell of a weekend. So good. We California'd it up, boy. We had a hell of a weekend. So good. We California'd it up, boy. We did Northern California where the girls are warm. No, they're a little bit colder. Didn't bring enough jackets. Yeah, that was surprising.

I was ready for the cold. Yeah, he was wearing a sweatshirt when we went to go get Starbucks on Friday morning. And I go, what are you doing? What do you dress for the winter? And we went out, and I learned my lesson. Andrew was correct. Your nipples were freaking poking. Oh, my God.

I didn't wear a bra this weekend, like, at all. I'm going braless, baby. Oh, yeah, I noticed that. All right, well. Now you're going to go for extra bra. Sugar boobs. Sugar nips. Go back to calling me baby.

Don't call me sugar boobs Don't call me baby Look at this Let's get to the news A couple on a bike ride Near a lake in France Called the cops After they thought They saw a corpse

Taped up in a black bin bag Floating When cops arrived They discovered It was someone's Inflatable sex doll I look like a sex doll right now when i go you kind of have a sex doll look thanks you're like a stepford wife sometimes like very like you could

be like one of those robot girls from austin powers like oh thank you take me and bang me in the butt oh my god you really nailed it when we were watching f boy island and sarah at one point looked like the she was so shocked by something she looked like one of the um the fembots malfunctioning and austin powers when they go like these boots are made and they're like and they start malfunctioning it was i it was such a good uh observation and then they steam then they steam up sex doll i mean this must happen all the time that sex dolls are mistaken for corpses. Because, I mean, they're the size of humans. Would you ever fuck a sex doll? Yeah.

All right. Get me one. Would you fuck a corpse? Do I know the corpse? Or is it just like... You used to follow her on Instagram until she died. Okay. But do I go to her...

Do I show up at the funeral home? Do I show up at the funeral home? Do I show up at the funeral? Like, how am I finding this corpse? Listen, I don't even want to talk about it. It's so gross. And no, you wouldn't, because you're scared of bugs. And it'd be mushy. But maybe you'd like it.

It'd be dry. Yeah. No, it'd be wet. You think? Maggity. All right, well. Yeah. Let me just say sex dolls um i think i think they are great uh

tools for men that don't have an option to have sex with something else i think they are great ways to experiment with bringing a third party into the bedroom if you and your partner are talking about like oh i'd like to maybe have another girl in here and like just see what that looks like i think that's a great way to like incorporate it i think that um what if i what if a guy was like brought in a full body sex doll while you guys were fucking and was like why don't you lay on top of the sex doll while i fucked a sex doll underneath you or vice versa like would you get jealous sandwich it no no because you just said i looked like a sex doll so i'd kind of be like oh my god he just likes me so much he wants

more he just wants you but less talkative less talkative i don't get jealous i know right wait so what do you think though i want to know this the story behind the guy who got rid of this body in a canal like he was done fucking it and he just threw it off a bridge i also think a sex doll not only is good for men who have desires that they can't be met with real women if you have a murderous homicidal kind of tendency where you want to dump a body into a bog or a swamp this might be a way to do that. Now, I don't mean to get gross here. I don't mean to get disgusting here. I'm sorry to shift into this,

but this does remind me of ways that they seem to, that have been offered to treat pedophiles, where, okay, you get a sex doll, so that you act out on that. Whether or not that is something that would even work i don't know but like i do feel like for people who might want to murder women and dump their body and like love podcasts murder podcasts and like want to live that out um maybe this is a way to do that it's like a dog toy that based on my porn consumption and the things that i do artificially to to supplement the things that

i really want to do you eventually tire of those things and you gain enough practice in those things that you do it for real so i actually wouldn't recommend that to people with homicidal tendencies yeah eventually dumping a body off a bridge i just got boring the liberator online i talked about this the other day right you know what the liberator the little ramp yeah i just bought one but this one has a hole in it so that you can put um a the magic wand and so you can um the liberator for the listener it's a it's a bridge i'll show you what it is yeah it's awesome and i bought a lot of stuff online today for my sex dungeon i'm building out um i out. Look at this liberator. I just want to show it to you.

I'll tell you the model I bought you guys. I bought the Axis Magic Wand Toy Mount. 160 bucks. Not too bad. It's in black because don't ever get something that can show fluids. All black, brown.

That's smart. Red. Red. Dark, velvety red. Just don't get white. Don't kid yourself. I also went to Love Honey, which, by the way, I tried to use my own promo code that I did on the show. It didn't work.

I had to look up a promo code. Love Honey, we no longer have them as a sponsor, apparently, because I not only did lovehoney.com slash Nikki Glaser, and it goes, this is an error. But I got a lot of stuff from there. I want to tell you what I got. Wait, where does the dildo, so the dildo goes through the hole, and you sit on, or not the dildo, the vibrator?

So it's a ramp, and then there's a hole in the ramp, and then there's a magic wand that you put in it. So when you lay on it, the vibrating ball of the thing is just just right outside of the ramp do you know i'm saying okay because usually i put it down and it's like this big thing it's like but are you using this while you're having sex with someone else i guess you could so you lay on top of it yeah and the thing is there so there's the ramp yeah hold on oh and then he's banging you from behind yes from behind and then you have this because i don't even like it from behind unless I get a little something on the front So I also got

Noah looks really concerned Sounds like your mom shopping at thrift store I don't even like it from behind I'll tell you later the rest of the stuff I got Let's get to the next news story I mean I did get the sports sheets This thing I cannot wait to use The sports sheets spreader bar with cuffs this thing

let me see sports sheet so it's a bar and it has a cuff here a cuff here and those are for your ankles right and then it has a cuff here and a cuff here and that's for your that's for your hands and i can do this i can do like behind head. And then you put it behind your head like this. And then you're stuck like this. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to use it. And then I got some other stuff. I got a sex toy cleaner. Because you're not supposed to just use regular soap.

Dawn? Yeah. You're supposed to use that only on ducks That have been in an oil spill That have been Using sex toys Some would say What you're doing in there Is way worse than an oil spill

Well there's been Some oil spills in there For sure Alright OnlyFans Is banning sexually explicit Content from its platform Putting the income

Of the sex workers Helped Populize The site in jeopardy The company says That the changes Are in order to comply With the request Of their banking partners and payout providers.

These motherfuckers. Use these women to build their platform. I mean. Why don't we start one? No, no, no. Oni fans. Not bad. You do like to say Oni instead of only and that's hilarious.

However. Yeah, go ahead. What do like to say Oni instead of only, and that's hilarious. However, what do these people expect? How do these bankers expect to make money on this platform? What are they going to do in this thing? I mean, yeah. They want it to be like a Patreon? Like just regular stuff? Yeah, just regular Patreon. I mean, they think long term.

It's kind of like, I guess, Craigslistlist when Craigslist had sex workers on all the time. Craigslist is still doing OK without it. Right. I mean, it was a big part for a little while, but thinking long term down the road. But, you know, you read you had a really cool tweet that you shared with me. What was it that some a girl from OnlyFans wrote? She goes, well, I guess I'll go back to fucking your husbands for money. Yeah. from only fans wrote she goes well i guess i'll go back to fucking your husbands for money yeah and tagged a woman and tagged a woman that like your conservative husbands you your christian

conservative husbands i'll go back to being an escort and having them pay me to have sex with them behind your back you dumb broad i just think you need there needs to be a site look this is the thing can i tell you actually safe because it's like children can't get into it without you know paying money you know like it's not here's the hotness of only fans it's like i say like it's like getting naked at a walmart because only fans how how it's built and stuff yeah seems like uh like a normal site like it's like when you see tits on twitter oh right there's not like anime porn going on the site. It's not like Pornhub or RedTube. So we need to build...

RedTube just sometimes has a jizzing dick next to the thumbnails that you're looking at and you're like, what's going on? This isn't who I am. I'm this nice person over here. Yeah, they're trying to sell me something else. So I get what you're saying. It's a site that does not make you feel inherently dirty or shameful going to it.

What do you guys – Yeah, you know – Sorry, I had a question about this article. I was curious about your input. What do you think about credit card companies, though, dictating what you're consuming? I mean, it's – and it's just like these it's the the Christian it's the it's I'm guessing it's like the wives of the men who run the companies because these men are disgusting. I'm sure. And they like sex and they consume porn.

And if they don't, they're doing horrible things instead of that, because these powerful men that run. I just think that I mean mean i was at the baseball game the other night going off about how the world is run by billionaire pedophiles but uh and i'm not i'm trying to watch the game and eat my peanuts i know the guy the guy who brought like you don't like nachos like that andrew i'm like i'm just trying to watch the game my friend who got his tickets was like um these are like my mom's friend's seats and uh we probably shouldn't be talking you shouldn't be mouthing off about that but the thing is i i just think it's so hypocritical because the men and the people who run these banks are all they're all running banks because

they like power because they want to have sex with a lot of things because they're pervs everyone likes sex the world is run by it. Everyone consumes porn. Stop acting like you don't. Stop acting like you're a good Christian. And it's just Christian. I mean, it's just, I think it's religion. And they're probably getting actual escorts for like $2,000 a pop.

They have that kind of money. But for the average Joe that can only spend $5.99 a month to see Tiffany's tits. And their wife is going to leave them unless they put their foot down about this OnlyFans thing. Not that their wife is like, I'm not going to fuck you anymore because that's long gone. The wife says I'm going to take all of your money when I divorce you unless you shut down OnlyFans

because our son has an OnlyFans account, I realized. It goes down to something like that small. Do you know what I mean? And then they're, they're, they're,

they're, oh, sorry. Go ahead. No. Yeah. I read a couple of tweets that made me think, and I was like,

I was going along up until a certain point of what you said, but it made me think like maybe all these like rich guys who are heading these banks and stuff, maybe they don't like how much money women are making on these sites monthly and how rich women are getting. And it's just kind of like to put them back in their place. That's what I took from it. I mean, it is funny when someone's like,

she's not even working for this. She's just showing her body. It's like you're just hitting a button to trade a stock that you knew about because you're all connected in the Illuminati. Like, fuck off. And I bet one of them, you're all connected in the illuminati like fuck off and i bet one of them you're so right now i bet it was all precipitated either by an angry wife who was like i'll leave you if unless you do this or it was a guy one of those bankers god and only fans requested a woman put like a tennis ball uh fucking. Contraption, yeah.

Upper vagina. And she was like, no. And he was like, what about if I give you this much money? And she's like, no. And he's just like, well, then I'm shutting it all down because something he wanted her to do.

It's something about either they can't have those women, they're angry, they're making money. And listen, I follow a lot of men on, not a lot of men, I think two different men on there that do things to women like they this guy like ties women up and like gives them a bunch of orgasms i follow him on there i don't know what else he's gonna do i just like so many i just loved

only fans because it felt like i was still giving directly to the person making it. It felt like very Etsy porn. And I love the cross stitches I was buying from Luna Star. Yeah, I'm really saddened by it. I haven't read a ton about it, though. Are people on there just freaking out? Is someone else going to join the game? I mean, someone else has got to create a platform where we can all just go over there. I mean, it would make sense and just make it exclusively for that.

And then, you know, then if you want to sell Tupperware over there, you're going to really stick out. You know what I mean? No selling Tupperware on eat my ass only fans. You know what I mean? I just don't know what i mean like i just don't know what there's no financial gain to be to be had by making porn uh you know limiting explicit content on there i and that's what i think all men we're all lying to ourselves so i think you're right no if it's not about money because this is not about money they're gonna lose money on this correct me if i'm wrong besties but like why

would they be doing this it's because because the long run i think it's because of the long run i think i think there is i think there's like probably act there's plenty of people i i mean we'd have to break down the numbers but i bet you there's plenty of people making a lot of money for them that aren't showing their tits and pussy i bet i mean and dicks i think money is involved but i think it's like someone someone's wife is going to take billions from them if they get divorced and that is why i mean it's so interesting that these when we have four men who like control all the wealth in the world their personal lives can dictate so many huge things because of like they might have a bad morning

or something they might you know their balls are full so now the country is gonna starve to death elon musk smoked weed on rogan's podcast it changed the whole stock just because he's like i want to get high for fucking two minutes oh my god all right the company uh when it's like sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry okay no have all, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, no. Have all the swells. Oh, you didn't say that.

Holy shit. I hope you're having a great time out there and having all the swells. If we're having a ton of swells over here, I'll forget to say it. That's because we're having so much swells. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Oh, shit. I dropped our cross stitch.

A 46-year-old liquor CEO plummeted... A ledgehead here, by the way. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah. A 46-year-old liquor CEO plummeted 30 to 50 feet to his death while attempting a backflip at Citi Field. At a Grateful Dead show. I thought it might be Phil Hanley, and I was like, oh, no, that guy can't backflip. He's the only deadhead I know. Oh, no. This guy is really a deadhead now. So, Casey, Joe, you better watch your head.

Oh, no. This guy tried to flip. I'm sure he was like, hey, check out this badass flip. He had six seats. I mean, it's so funny that we've talked about backflips so much recently. I know. You and I, not on the pod, but in our own life, you were talking about, I want to be able to do a backflip.

I can't believe people can do them. And I go, what is this obsession with backflips? And you said that a lot of guys will use them to get chicks. Oh, it's the ultimate peacock. Yeah. Okay, so,

I mean, now, that peacock's extinct. Oh, yeah. So he felt, did the show stop? Or were people like, that was an amazing...

So it was during intermission, but I'm pretty sure the show kept going on because he didn't die right there you know they took him away in the ambulance was at the beginning of one of their songs so it was like 23 minutes and they had to finish it out oh god he was hammered he owns a liquor company oh his nickname is the rooster, which I thought was interesting. Yeah, yeah, I saw that. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm sure he was like, he's like that guy, like, I'm going to do the worm. I'm going to do a backflip.

Do you think that guy, do you think that's how he probably wanted to go? It's probably pretty cool. As opposed to like dying of a heart attack on the toilet, you know? That's true. I mean, I guess that's a very nice way to look at it. Would you like to die doing a backflip? Did he complete it and then just kind of stumble? I guess he kept doing flips.

Who does a flip on a balcony? I don't know if he had his own box. Well, rest in peace, Ledgehead. We love you and deadhead ledgehead um we'll be right back with why do i care john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the

biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and moreined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts andrew why do i care i'll find out why do i care google founder well he's kind of the founder he was the third guy on the thing but whatever admits he created a revenge site against a strange wife under her name in a moment of frustration. Scott Hassan and his ex-wife have been embroiled in a nasty divorce battle that has raged seven years

and involved millions of dollars. What was the site called? It was her first and last name. Yeah, it was her first and last name. Ashley Madison? Well, her name's Allison Ho or Hun. Yeah. Sorry.

Allison Hun. So he created a revenge site. But it was all public knowledge. He just consolidated it to make it easy to see all the things that... She had a couple of lawsuits against her. One saying that she was going to kill the guy she was dating who was also her boss and then kill herself. Oh my God. Yeah. But you know... And did he do this anonymously not thinking he would get caught? she was going to kill the guy she was dating who was also her boss and then kill herself oh my god yeah so but you know did he do this anonymously not thinking he would get caught yeah what an

idiot and so then she hired so get this she's like works at robotics this is like a battle of these nerds yeah she figured out how he started because in the google drive it was his uh first and middle name or something or like his middle name so she figured she was she figured out his password she just figured out who created it and so then she was able to tie it back to him i mean of course it's gonna be her ex-husband who hates her yeah i mean this guy's apparently like a real like nerdy guy that doesn't really get social cues and he can't talk he's kind of autistic like brilliant numbers guy yeah and uh yeah he doesn't talk. He's kind of autistic, like brilliant numbers guy. Yeah. And yeah, he doesn't,

they have $1.8 billion. Revenge porn and revenge, like stuff like this. I mean, women do it too. It's not just a purely male issue, but, well,

he was mad because she accused him of infidelity in front of the kids and that he hasn't cheated. So what's worse being a child witnessing your mom accuse your dad of something he didn't do that it involves sex which is inappropriate or your dad making a website saying that your mom is crazy and hired people to kill like well what's worse the reaction or the initial... Did he use Squarespace with drag and drop tools? Did he get 20% off using promo code Dahlia?

I mean, this guy wrote the code for Google. Like, this guy's brilliant. Yeah. I mean, brilliant people do dumb stuff when they have been scorned. And that's why it's so fascinating to me how men can be so manipulated by their balls. Because this is all essentially a woman who used to make his, like, he got this woman in his life who, this woman seems to probably have been toxic herself and have issues. He's probably attracted to her initially. When he wasn't that rich either. Yeah. Okay, but he was originally attracted to her because his balls were full at one point when he met't ever initially because he wasn't ever rich either

yeah okay but he's originally tried to do it because his balls were full at one point when he met her and he wanted to come right so then he gets in this and she wanted safety and she saw a smart guy that probably made her feel good and then they get together and it's toxic and then they break apart and then i mean so many things are fueled by men just being like horny and confused and like smart men brilliant men that like build our phones and jeff bezos i mean they all the cloud they get options but then they can get so derailed by anger precipitated by i think horniness yeah there's new vagina that there's a whole new there's a whole new buffet for them when they start having a billion dollars and you're in the news hey this

guy's worth a billion dollars they could do whatever the hell they want it's so weird it's so dangerous i mean i've been really horny before and done kind of dumb things his wife over his balls being full yeah i mean it's just so funny when i see like really guys like this that are like brilliant geniuses and they'll be you'll hear about them on private planes with you know 20 year old escorts and it's like they'll be acting like they'll be having conversations like talking to these girls i'm like you're so transparent like you have nothing in common with this girl stop Stop acting like you're interested in her. I don't know.

Maybe, I mean, I honestly would rather talk to a 20-year-old than Bill Gates. It's like when a smart person loves reality TV and it allows their brain to shut off. Maybe they're just tired of talking to a robotics woman who's like, you know, breaking down their chicken salad sandwich. Let's get to top one, bottom one. Top one, bottom one. Today, our category is childhood toys. Childhood toys. I don't know what made me think of this one, but I just wanted to.

Because you were probably buying adulthood toys. And you were like. What's more fun, shopping for adulthood toys on the internet or when you were a kid picking one out of a catalog? No, being a kid is so much easier because these you're just like reading reviews. You know a review is fake on a sex site when it goes, this big daddy really...

When they describe the toy as like, this thumper really gave me a run for my money and you're just like no one talks like this is written by someone who was paid um a thumper so okay andrew can you um kick us off today bottom one yeah the bottom one toy this is gonna be probably pretty controversial and i don't know if it's technically a toy, but Monopoly, not a fan. Boy, that's a great one, because I don't like Monopoly either. Really? No, I hate Monopoly. Oh my God, I thought you were a big Monopoly head.

No, no, no. Oh, I'm so happy. No, I hate Monopoly. Noah, do you hate Monopoly? I actually loved playing Monopoly. Really? I don't think I ever had the patience for it i just liked all the counterfeit money and holding it i mean i liked a little iron i did like the thumbnail yeah that was fun the the thumb it's not thumbnail

it's a thought like a thumb attack what's it called a thumb protector yellow thumb cap a thimble thimble yes yes thank you yeah so the thimble Yellow thumb cap. A thimble. Thimble. A thimble. Yes, thank you. Yes, a thimble. I like that. What's a thimble for, Andrew? Huh? What is a thimble used for? To thimble-ize things.

Seriously, though. What was a thimble used for? I think it's for something when you're knitting. Yeah, but what would it be used for? You put the pin in it, maybe, or something. No, you put it on your finger so you don't get pinned. Yes, there you go. Boom, got it.

It's gotta be hard to hold the pin, though, while you're doing that. But yeah, Monopoly, my friends would love to play. And they're like, I got four hotels. I'm like, dude, why are we waiting? We could go fucking play outside. You know? Yeah. You could go fart on each other.

I don't know. Yeah, there's too many pieces. There's too many arguments. It's money. It's real estate. There's that little man with the mustache. You go to jail. It's too much.

You could probably break down. I like McDonald's Monopoly. If a 12-year-old. Oh, I did too. I love ripping off a sticker. Yeah. 12-year-old loving Monopoly who's really good and probably doing pretty good in life in regards to business. I know.

Did your brother love Monopoly? I'm sure. I'm sure he did. I have plenty of rich friends that love Monopoly that are doing way better with finances now. But yeah. So what are your bottom ones? Noah, what was your bottom toy? This is very embarrassing.

I don't know if it's considered a toy, but this is the first thing that came to my head. I never told anyone about this. Oh, my God. Oh, man. What? So when I was really young, I was still in Israel, so I was definitely like five or six. I got a gift from my grandparents, I think. I don't remember who gave it to me, but it was edible crayons.

So I used to... What? So it was... And I guess they must have taken it off the market because are you sure i'm 100 sure i remember it having a flavor and then any other crayons that i would receive i would bite to see if they would taste like anything as a result of that so that is my bottom it's like edible cigarettes you were chewing on newports for 10 years it's so embarrassing to admit but i just thought like whoa because crayons seem edible on their own without being called edible that for me they

were at least that is insane that something someone would make edible crayons it was the 80s you want to crayon the last do you know in st louis when i first moved to st louis as a child i was six and i I moved from Cincinnati. Our neighbors would call crayons, do you guys want to go draw with some crowns? Crowns. And me and my sister were like, Jamie and Lindsay always want to draw with crowns. What are crowns? We didn't.

We were so confused. Wait, what was the weirdest thing you would eat when you were in preschool and stuff? Did you ever like i oh no i was not someone who did anything adventurous or risky when i was a child i was very safe my first word was dangerous and i would point out things that were dangerous what was i would point out those crayons you know what i remember eating i remember the thing ants on a log where you put raisins on peanut butter? Yes. I put actual ants on the peanut butter. No, you didn't. And I ate it to be cool. I swear.

Oh, my God. In preschool, I remember putting ants on the actual celery. Okay, I looked up toys because I wanted to be reminded of stuff. And I got to say my least favorite toy, and this is just a general one, Ken dolls. Okay. No dick? least favorite toy and this is just a general one ken dolls okay no dick i didn't see i wasn't interested in ken dolls i love barbies i loved their clothing um i wasn't one that wanted like my barbies to date i didn't like i didn't want a guy to fuck up what my barbies and i had i thought it was just and it was just forcing me to i really felt like i think that i intuitively did not like how they were making girls do things that uh you know uh

perpetuated marriage like all these things marriage babies i didn't like having baby dolls i didn't i didn't i was just like but what was it about mother ken like what was it because because ken because ken costs money it would be a part of my barbie budget would be spent on a ken doll i didn't have many clothes for him to change into he would just kind of there was nothing interesting about driving the corvette that's a good point um we had self-driving cars way before tesla even introduced them because i wasn't letting my barbie in that front seat she does not drive she doesn't have a license no way um no i just uh i would use like a stuffed animal to drive like i just didn't want

a gi joe i just didn't see the point of ken's and i thought that they they were only there so that we could have mock weddings and things like that and i just didn't i didn't like them and i just really i already knew that part of my toy budget was being affected by the ken doll and i just i didn't need him and whenever i'd play with my friends and like they would get get married or we would play like i always wanted to play school i never wanted to play marriage or house a lot of kids like to play house i wanted to play school i never wanted to play marriage or house a lot of kids like to play house i wanted to play school and i liked being a teacher i didn't want to be a mom or a wife ever man you knew early on i really did um and let's get to a top toy i mean i guess my top toy would probably be a nerf guns yeah i love the nerf gun you know i we also we would we would use the nerf guns to uh oh my god

you remember american gladiators yeah so we would set up stations in our front yard of like at the end of american gladiators they got to run to each station you gotta throw something at the target while the gladiator's shooting stuff at you so we would set it up with like different nerf guns nerf arrows tennis fun me and my older brother would do it and it was so fun and we would just set and god were we into american gladiators man it was fucking badass anyways yeah so just any kind of like gun you were such a little boy oh i love the gun yeah yeah noah what about you what's the top toy for you wait super soaker were you into that oh i have a crazy super soaker story that i won't tell right now, but just note it that. I do too.

It happened in Vegas. You heard it though. Oh. After I masturbated. Okay, Nella. My top one is a specific Barbie doll that I had. Whoa. Wait, which one?

Do you have a picture? I don't have a picture of her. I do have like a small anecdote. My favorite grandmother gifted her to me. And this Barbie, she was just so much prettier than the rest of them. The shape of her eyes was a little bit different. She was just so beautiful. She had this pink dress with stars on it, like this ball gown.

Yes. And the funny thing is, it's so funny that you picked this topic because i remember the first day that i met you in person you reminded me of that doll like you're like the shape of your eyes the blue in them and it just was like i don't know it was like a sign also right now because you're wearing like a pink hat oh my god i look more like a skipper today but that is so sweet like i i never had an opportunity to like tell you this but you just reminded me of this very special doll that i had growing up that happens to be a noah thank you that's so nice i thought about my gun when i met you too oh you

not nerf not nerf the lower half of my ken reminded me of you when i met you i wish i had that can i ask a question about these barbie dolls yeah i love barbie so much that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me and you've said some really nice shit don't you think barbie dolls and i know this is going to sound pedophilic or whatever don't you think barbie dolls and i know this is going to sound pedophily or whatever don't you think they should come with nipples and a vagina because it's showing girls that it's okay to have your body parts i think it early on it's being like hey you shouldn't even talk about these body parts is it too much i'm not talking about like a full-on i think it's just like they're scared that boys and men are gonna do weird stuff with it it's not about protecting girls so much it's like i think boys would start jerking off with their sisters barbies and like b-section you know yeah

you don't want to sexualize a barbie that's uh we just got to keep kids away from any sexualization i realized and like that is just a way and i know maybe there's arguments against having these like kind of just unnippled yeah but i never as a child was like i want no nipples i want to have nothing down there like i i kind of understood that you know i always make the argument when when parents go oh you can't don't do that around don't um vape around arlo or whatever and i'm like but arlo when i was arlo's age four i understood there were adult things and there were kid things and that i wasn't to do those things till i was an adult like yeah kids can make the distinction i think we can we can do that for kids well that's kind of what that's kind of what i'm what i'm saying but i guess you're you're making a it's

like if you made a kid vape for Arlo. Well I smoked kid cigarettes those candy cigarettes. I did too. I would eat them right away though. And I ended up eating cigarettes later on in my life. Pack a day. Alan Carr got me off eating cigarettes. What was your top toy Nikki? My top toy I just really want to say

amend my bottom toy. My worst bottom toy same thing as the Ken doll. It was my grandma for Christmas one year 1992 probably gave me a kevin from home alone talking dog where you pull the string talking what talking doll it was like a kevin from home alone he had a plastic head a soft body and you pull the string and it goes or like you know say the things i'm like you're gonna pay for this scumbag or i don't know what he said. And everyone in my family was like, Nicky's boyfriend. They made this narrative that I had a crush on him, and I hated it so much because I was like, boys are disgusting. I don't even like him like that.

And I just remember hating the doll because it made everyone say I had a crush, and it was so gross to me. My favorite toy was a thing called a yak back. Yak back. it was so gross to me my favorite toy was a thing called a yak back and you would record something in it and then it would play what you just recorded backwards and so my family had so much goddamn fun with this and i learned how to say my name backwards how do you say it res leg egan res leg egan res leg egan i i swear to it's Nikki Glaser backwards. No, I'm sure it is. Wait, so that's all the toy was, though? It was literally just a thing?

Yeah, it was called a yakback, and I think they still exist. They're so fun. Let's see if we can actually find a yakback. I bet they have an internet thing where you can put it in and do it. Yeah, yakbacks look like this. Oh, it's a 1994 yakback. Oh, my God. Mine would be Word.

On eBay. Word, Word, Word Draw eBay No no no it's not what you It's not the way it's said It's the way It's not the way you would spell it backwards It's what it would say So here's the Yakback commercial Let's play it

It's true It's true It's true It's true It's true It's a brother antagonizing his sister. And he's just holding, it's not, it's not. He's pressing it. Can I have a sip of your drink?

No. Yes. No. Wait, that's not playing it backwards. I swear to God. They're just showing that it can record what you say and play it. That's how unadvanced technology was back then. That if you could record something right away and say it back, it was amazing. But Reslagikin is Nikki Glaser backwards.

I wonder if that's how parents talk to their dyslexic kids. Because it's backwards? I think that's a misconception about dyslexia. Oh, really? Yeah. Final thought. The shows this weekend in Monterey and Napa were incredible. Yeah, fun.

A lot of besties at these shows. More than have been at any of the other shows. Thank you all so much for coming out. We have a guest book that a lot of people have signed yeah that you can sign uh we have a step and repeat which is a big uh you know a curtain thing that has uh my image on it that you can stand with and take a picture and then i have a merch booth and uh and then during the show we have have Anya, you, special guests. I mean, it's so much.

And then a dance at the end. I mean, it's been incredible. Even when there's technical issues and I have to grab this girl's purse and go through it. I mean, that was the wildest thing, going through this girl's purse and going through her Google searches. You want to go through each other's google search really quick can i we i won't embarrass if something is um incriminating in a way that i know you won't be comfortable with i won't do it but i think it could be funny i really don't know what mine would be i don't know what's in here let's just go through our own and share something funny so i won't go through yours you'll go through we'll go through each other okay how do you find like on our own uh you go to the you the search engine and then you go up to the, you go to the bottom.

Search history. The little, yeah, there you go. Yeah, gotcha. I have a lot of me searching for different tablature so we could play songs on our Instagram live, which we did go live last night and I played a bunch of songs. Thank you to all the besties that watched that. It was so fun. You played a song too. Yeah, I played John

Pratt. That's the way the world goes around? Yeah, it's my only song. It was really good. Thanks. It really fits me. I was kind of annoyed at how good your strumming was. It bothered me. Why does that bother you? Because I play all the time and you don't play at all and you were just good. I mean, don't you get bothered when people are good at things?

No, no. Okay, if I suddenly was great at golf i would love it for you i'm sorry i really would i would love for it because then it's someone i could play with no i mean i wasn't like well you never play guitar with me even though i would love for you to so it didn't make me feel that way because i already know that you won't play with me. Just like I won't play with you. I looked up, let's see. Oh my God. I want to read about, oh, I was looking up side effects of my medications.

I was looking up how to fix an Apple 11 iPhone that suddenly quits on you. Wait, what side effects did you read? Or did anything come up with that? Yeah, I mean, there's a lot uh that i i would like i the thing is i don't like to disclose what medications i'm on because then people think oh i should get on that and then it doesn't work for everyone and i don't you know i and i don't want people to make assumptions about me i definitely um oh what oh i've looked up so many different sex toys uh mine are just different wedges like i'm looking for golf clubs like you're looking for sex toys like that's essentially what

our searches is it's literally like i know all you do yesterday he was showing me the four phases of a golf swing and i was like which phase is me walking out of the room because you seem to think that i'm entertained by this i almost started to record it and go and wanted to send it to brenda and say i need i need you please do you do that to brenda and show her the four phases of a golf swing yeah or is that just for me i don't know i mean can't you be interested in something that you maybe don't think you'd be interested no i mean i was i was like i was i was interested in you being passionate about showing me this thing that i had shown no interest in like all of a sudden you just started going i was like all right let him go i i know i i know when i'm showing you

something on guitar and you're just like, who cares? But I don't know if you knew if I was kind of like, who cares? All my thing is is just comparing different golf clubs. That's literally, and then porn. And porn. Yeah, that's pretty much it. What have you been watching recently? You just pull up whatever, right?

I go to most viewed and I get it done and then I go to bed and that's pretty much it. It's not like there's no process. Is your masturbation higher or lower now that she's gone yeah i mean it's definitely higher well i told her i was saving my stock for her for about two weeks and she's like no you need to you need to get rid of some of it yeah because that's gonna be a moldy batch in my mouth yeah like that's gonna give me some kind of bacterial infection if you don't i was so funny because i was telling her like kind of romantically and she's like you need to get rid of it did you get that from me what's that save my stock oh god i just spilled coffee again did you get save my

stock from me can i be honest it was from uh this comedian named casey james salango wrote a bit about saving his cum for his girlfriend. So that's initially where I heard it. But I mean, a lot of guys have thought about not jerking off to be more attractive. But the actual saying, save my stock, I don't know where it sounds. It's a nice saying, though. Because I think I read something to you the other day that was about that. What, saving my stock? No, where I was texting with someone and I was like, save it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, look, whatever it is, it got to me because your boy was saving it and your girl, Brenna, did not want me to save it. She's like, get rid of some of it. And then now I'm on it.

Yeah, if I was seeing a guy, I would say three days before stock. But I honestly, I would love a two-weeker. I would love a three-yearer because that guy is going to be, I mean, if you don't. A three-yearer? No, I mean, this is Cupid's Boys and Arrow, dude. The book I'm reading a third of, I'm going to actually finish it.

This book says you come like quarterly. Okay, but I guess this is where the rub is, no pun intended. Where is he coming? Because if you're taking it in your mouth, you don't want a three-year. If it's just on top of you, you could do a three-year. If it's inside of you and depending on what you're doing with your pill or your IUD or whatever. No, it's in your hair and then it's like a conditioning serum because it is dousing and you leave it in for

three minutes and then you wash it out i'm just saying i think the level of how long is where you're gonna put it where it's gonna be placed hmm what do you mean i don't think that i honestly don't think that if you don't come that that your cum just starts to get moldy and actually stink and bad. There's a lot of it. It builds up back there like a dam. All right. And it breaks out like a flood in Tennessee.

I'm telling you. So if it was in your mouth, a girl might drown? Yeah, she might drown. You might inhale it in your lungs? It's a big gulp within seconds. That's how that sex doll died. All right, guys. We got to go. Thank you so much for listening to the show today or watching it. I's a big gulp within seconds. That's how that sex doll died. All right, guys, we got to go.

Thank you so much for listening to the show today or watching it. I don't know how you consume it. Besties out there, you're the best. We love you. We'll see you on Instagram Live. Follow us on NikkiGlazerPod on Instagram. And don't be care. And cheers.

Cheers. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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