The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #90 They Venti A Latte!

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Between you and Nikki, she wonders if she should give up her last name and looks to David Spade's book for inspiration. Andrew creates a loud crash and then explains it. They discuss repetitiveness, bite sizes and attraction. You Heard It Here First topics include: intimacy and sexual desire, social media and Mama June. Nikki's Reddit Dump teaches us a lot about pleasure and stuff we learned too late in life. In the Final Thought they discuss dying on the side of the road, yes you read that correctly. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Hello, everyone. Hey, besties. Welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast.

It's Nikki Glaser. It's Tuesday here in St. Louis. I don't know what day it is whenever you're listening to this. I don't know when you listen to it. Some people backlog it, catch up later. Welcome to the show. It's been a great morning over here at Shea Glaser. Colin, put my name first, why not? Noah, are you going to uh your husband's last name yeah I am yeah I struggle with the last name thing I was thinking about like you know if I ever get married doing the Courtney Cox Arquette kind of thing like if I'm gonna do

Nikki Glaser Arquette even if the guy's last name is Moore I'm still gonna go with Arquette just because I want to do everything did she keep the Arquette too because there's a part of me that thinks that they're still friends and that because he's the father of her children she's like yeah I'll keep this last name a lot of women I mean I have a bit about it but a lot of women get divorced and they don't even go back to their old name it It's like forgotten. And I just feel like it's so weird that we give up our name. It's a nice thing to do for your man to be like, I respect you so much and you have so much integrity that I will take, I'm so grateful for you for not having sex with other women. This is all from Getting To I Do, the book. We have to,

we have to respect in the book Getting To I Do, which teaches. We have to respect, in the book Getting to I Do, which teaches you how to trick a man into loving you forever, and trick him with things that serve you anyway. You kind of trick yourself, honestly. But with that book, you learn that you need to, when you are in the feminine energy, you need to respect the male energy, which you have to acknowledge wants to have sex with everything.

And you can't deny that. And you go, oh my God, that is so nice of you to not have sex with everything. For me, because I don't want you to. That you have so much integrity not to do that. That takes a really strong man. And I am so impressed that you don't do that for me. And then they get off on the feeling of being like, oh my God, I'm like a superhero because I don't bang other women.

And then they get horny for the idea that they are like superheroes. You know, I'm watching White Lotus. My friend recommended it to me because she was like you know it's a about a strong woman among other things I've only watched the first episode and and like 20 minutes of the second and that's about how much I read any of these books that I talk about too let's just know that I'm always watching the any book I talk about I've read four chapters and I just a third of them but I do I do finish fiction but non-fiction I'm just like I get it stop talking down to me I'm not as dumb as your average reader do you feel

that way Noah when you read these non-fiction books I realize that there's a certain amount of repetition that you like I'm grateful in the Alan Carr uh easy way to stop drinking uh without willpower that book they repeat the same things over and over because you need they're un-brainwashing you because you've been brainwashed to think that alcohol is like this thing you need so you they need to be repetitive but when you're learning about like social science it's just like you guys are i just can't hear any more examples and i skip chapters because i'm like okay that's not they're not talking about my mom here so I want to skip this I want to get the chapter about my mom or about me um do you have problem do you do when you're reading non-fiction Noah and a chapter doesn't

apply to you uh do you skip it or are you like a completionist kind of like oh I want to read everything and do you find that non-fiction books are mostly a lot of filler. I'm not a completionist, but I do. And I get what you're saying. But for me, the repetitiveness helps instill it. So it's good for me to keep seeing it because I'm trying to rewire a part of my brain, you know? No, I think you're right. And that is why the Blinkist app, which is this app that takes nonfiction books and kind of like parses them down to very abridged versions that are like spark notes. They do a great job. The writers for those things are really intelligent people that are good writers. But because you just read it so quickly, it doesn't really absorb.

And that's why I always say people that when I recommend the books that have changed my life, healing back pain, Dr. John Sarno, easy way to stop drinking Alan Carr, easy way to stop smoking. Uh,

and those titles have kind of shifted since then. So just the Alan Carr method, it is very repetitive. And, um, and I always tell people, take your time with it, read very slow,

make sure it like really absorbs in speed. Reading apparently is not um the best way to get information like and and to remember information because I've always been obsessed with I like things fast you know I'm always like oh my god it would be so nice to be what I heard JFK was like I heard he he could just read newspapers. Like he would just go down with his finger, like zip, zip, zip, you know, back in the day, newspapers, like the columns like this, he could read so fast. And, um, and there's all these techniques to do that. You know, most reading you're slow because you're moving your eye. So that's why I do really big font on my, um, phone. I'll show you an example of just how big my font is, Noah.

But yeah, it's like I think it's like four words per page. Yeah, no, three words per line pretty much. You can't really see it. But and so I'm able to just do chunks of it like three words. And so you don't have to move your eyes back and forth and scroll. So it cuts down on time. And then you can change the app app I like to read in my phone as I've talked about a lot uh so you don't have to flick your finger every time you turn a page because you know there's so little words on the page you can just scroll like you're reading an online article but then there's

not that satisfaction of like page I'm done with this page it's just like it's never ending kind of and the scroll on the side is so small you can't see any progress because it's a whole book that's like you know the little thing that shows you how much you've read it's not there's something about reading that really um there's something so satisfying about when you first get into a book enough where you're like oh there's a chunk that I've gone through. You know, that first time, because when you first start a book and you maybe get 10 pages in, that's not a substantial amount to even hold its own weight.

Like if you're, let's say you're reading a real book, it won't like stay open on its own if you like crease it even. It'll be like, the paper will like fly back over and you're like, oh God, I haven't even accomplished anything. But man, when you get that halfway point, there's a chunk you've already taken down that feels so good. It's to do a bit about how women would read on the train. I should bring it back because it only, I only did it on Canadian television. And I really didn't, there's so many bits I look back on from my early days of standup that I didn't really get into.

I would just kind of, oh, that's good enough, and then move on to the next thing because I was kind of scared to go too deep or lazy, I guess, is what the word is. But I used to do a joke about girls reading on the train. I would see it in New York, and I would get so jealous because I would see girls reading on the train. I would see it in New York and like I would get so jealous because I would see girls reading and then they would read something and they they do the thing where they go they kind of laugh to themselves and like kind of like shake their head and you go we get it. You read. Like oh you're entertained by a book. Oh and is is it, oh, you have a New Yorker tote? You're so smart. Oh, you have a book from The Strand?

Is that a bookstore? Like, or you have a tote bag from The Strand? Like, oh, and it's a little bit old? Oh, were you reading books in the 70s, even though your parents weren't even born yet? Like, there's people that love to brag that they're intellectual in public. Listen, do I feel a little bit annoyed that when I read on my phone, people can't tell

that I'm reading a book? And do I want people to know I'm reading a book on my phone when I'm on my phone? Yes, I do. Is there any way to let them know that? No, unless I lick my finger and do that every time I turn the page on my phone, which is unnecessary. But yeah, there's no way to let people know. Because when you're on your phone, you just look like you could be on TikTok. I need to just be like, I'm reading. I just need to announce it. The other day I was reading on the plane and I was reading David Spade's memoir.

I forget what it's called, but he has an Audible book that he just did for Audible, an audio book, sorry, that he just did for, that's only audio, and then he did one that was his memoir, the first one. You guys, it is so goddamn funny, and such an easy read, and it's just like how he talks.

I couldn't recommend it enough. I was on the plane. I was laughing so hard that I had to put it away because it was becoming annoying to the dude next to me because I was becoming that girl that was like, we get it. You're entertained by that. You have so much joy in your life. You can laugh alone. I mean, laughing alone is a, if you're able to get someone to laugh when they're alone, and that's a really good feeling too. You're in a good place in life. If you, because so much about laughter is contagious and that's why comedy clubs, they pack you in the front really close together. Because when other people's laugh makes you laugh. It just is, that's, you know, that's just widely known.

Low ceilings, get the laughter really in a cavernous dome so that it can just vibrate around and everyone you just catch it like covid that's why covid was like the worst thing for comedy clubs because it's small rooms the best thing for comedy clubs is small rooms low ceilings not a lot of ventilation and people packed very close together. That's why when you're performing and the tables were distant, it was like, this sucks. This feels like the open mic I used to do in Kansas City in 2004

where people would just seat themselves. That's why when you go to comedy clubs, they shove you to the front as close as possible because other people's laughter makes you laugh. That's why I like to watch comedy shows with other people. I hate laughing alone because you want to go wasn't that funny like you want to share it with someone laughing alone is I mean it's nice when I'm reading a book of my friends and I literally am sending him voice memos like oh my god this thing you just wrote was so funny

and yes I'm bragging about being friends with David Spade I do it every podcast it's the best thing that's ever happened in my life um But it's funny because he likes to hear. I'm not someone who likes to hear my stuff told back to me because oftentimes people are like, oh, my God, that joke you did on that thing. I'm like, I didn't even write that. That was written for like by my friend. And I tell them that. Or it's like a joke that I wrote so long ago that I don't even feel like good about anymore I can never I it's it's the only times I like getting compliments about jokes and by the way people

coming to my shows please give me compliments this does not apply I would rather have a compliment than no compliment and there's just no way to give me the perfect one but my favorite ones are like about a joke I just wrote I mean and that's the only time a comedian has any pride generally but Spade he likes hearing stuff that made uh me laugh and uh he doesn't have any problem hearing that stuff which which makes me feel good there's this thing that he wrote in his book and maybe this won't translate but can I just read a little excerpt and I know Noah you're not a fan of me reading things on the pod, but this is so funny. And I told him, I was like, I bet you don't even remember writing this, but you need to do this on stage. And I'm

going to make you, I'm going to like work over the beats for you. So you remember. So this is an introduction. He's talking about like, you know, everyone has to write an introduction to their book. That's like, Hey, I know you just picked up this book. This is what you're about to see. I've never written a book. It's always like whenever I read comedians' books, they're always like, listen, welcome to the book. I don't know what I'm doing. It's just like, why are we even doing this? So this was, he goes, FYI, this book is not that serious.

This is meant to be read when super bored, then forgotten 15 minutes later. By the way, I have read this book before, and I forgot forgot everything in it so it's fun to be able to read it again and laugh he said it could be read cover to cover during one medium to severe case of diarrhea nothing in it will change your life there are no easy tips to lose belly fat like i see on my computer every day it's just me blabbing blabbing away about my life in snl and getting beat up by my assistant and any other stupid shit i could think of. It's easy to read. No big words because I don't know any. He says, this is the part that I was like dying. He goes, it's like watching Dolphin Tale on HBO and then forgetting you ever saw it. By the way, I did see Dolphin Tale and I didn't forget it. In fact,

I had a few problems with it. This not might be for this forum, but real quick, it's about a dolphin with a bad attitude. He gets caught in some lobster traps, and his tail gets chopped off, and so he's fucked. He's basically an anchor because he doesn't have a rudder. He starts freaking out, so people start to help him, and for some reason he's a dick about it. I don't know why it makes me laugh so hard that he's calling this dolphin

a dick. They make him a little crummy tail out of popsicle sticks or whatever, and he doesn't like it. This is where I'd say it's for your own good, dipshit, but he's not having it. Then make him a little crummy tail out of popsicle sticks or whatever, and he doesn't like it. This is where I'd say, it's for your own good, dipshit, but he's not having it. Then they get a doctor to make a better one, and he's still being a pussy. He smashes against the wall and breaks it. Like, I hate it! It's not my real

tail! I hate the ocean! I hate everyone! Full Jan Brady tantrum. Then he realizes it helped and starts nudging the fake tail, like, put it back on. Get it on now. And they're like, fuck off. You don't want it, remember? You're so fucking tough. Have fun drowning, moron, because this is going on a shark now. You're an asshole. I've never seen Dolphin Tail, but now I want to. I want to. It just, you know what? Reading this book made me realize that when I am approaching writing my own, it's okay if my book sounds exactly like how I talk.

And if anything, people who are drawn to my book are going to be people who have listened to me talk incessantly and are going to want to be able to write, like read in my voice. Whenever I read a book, though, like and really really get into it I really loved Lena Dunham's book I forget what it was called really really good she's an amazing writer however you feel about her work on yourself by the what the fuck just happened out there did you hear that I think Andrew killed himself Andrew Andrew are you okay okay Jesus Christ that scared me um we'll get to him in a second anyway Lena Dunham's book was really good and uh I started right when I was I was trying to write after I read hers because it inspired me and I started writing in her voice I just become a sponge I just can't help but talk like the people I surround myself with.

And so that's why today we might talk about Oni fans because I've been around Andrew a lot. And it's daring our discussion about Oni fans. I'm trying to think of other words he mispronounces. Did you have anxiety? Anxiety. Only. What was the other one?

Daring. Daring. And, oh, vocabulary. Vulnerable. Vulnerable. Regular. And I think that's it for now. We'll get some more.

We'll definitely get some more when I bring him in in just a second, and we'll find out what that humongous crash was. I hope my room was okay. Andrew! Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes

on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You okay? Yeah.

What happened out there? That was a huge crash. I really want to know. Nothing broke. What fell? Well, guess. A guitar. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know.

What do I do out there? Oh, golf. You guitar. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know. What do I do out there? Oh, golf. You hit something? Did you whack something? Yeah. What'd you whack? Probably the worst thing you could whack, but everything's fine.

A guitar? No, a mirror. Oh, you whacked the mirror. It's a very heavy mirror. Did it crack? No, no. I hit the wood on the side, and I was very startled. How did you hit it i got a little

too excited i'm actually sweating right now because of that i did a little workout out there i swing this like uh rubber ball thing that's a little that's heavier than a club that gets your swing feeling smooth and it's like a weighted jacket for swinging yeah yeah yeah just like it's a it's a swing practicer yes the club feels very light comparative to uh so it's a ball thing your muscles memory i think it can i think it could stretch you out and and strengthen your abs to get rhythm rhythm and so i rhythmly hit the mirror and uh it's just well you never know when you're gonna counter a mirror on the eighth hole look i look in the mirror on every hole yeah in my head and i see a loser who can't fucking master this game and i don't understand oh man andrew what is going on with this game yesterday you

came home and you were muttering to yourself while you were practicing your swing i don't i don't know if you knew you were doing it but you were like like, get it right, you moron. Get it right. You can't even get everything right, you fucking moron. And I was just like strumming my guitar just quietly like, while this dreams are high.

I was like trying to sing and he's just like, you fucking moron. Because some days you're very proud of what you've done on the course. I was just singing

one of Noah's favorite bands. Was it Cannibal Corpse? Fuck you, Marlon. Die in hell. Swing harder. Swing, swing, swing harder. Mega death, suck my balls. Yeah, I don't know.

I get very hard on myself because I swear to God I've never put this much time into something. I know I could be very good at it and I know there's a lot of golfers out there that are way more less coordinated out there that are better and it's just about doing the same thing i'm very we do it in stand-up but

repeat the same thing over and over again my brain doesn't work that way like like muscle memory like i constantly i get bored with doing the same thing. Really? Because I feel like you like to go to the same workout classes. You like to go to like, but each workout class is different. Oh, so like with a golf swing, you just have to repeat the same.

You get excited when you learn a new thing and you're like, Oh, I'm changing everything. You get really excited. You're like, I thought I was holding it right this time. Now I'm changing it. And you want to keep,

you want to keep, do you ever feel that with guitar when you're like strumming? You're like kind of want to strum this or i want to try this rhythm like no because i want to just i want to believe that what i'm doing is the right way and if i have to change everything then i go oh no like all the things i've been doing thus far i have to read like the way i hold my pick is completely wrong i mean any i i'm dying to find any example but you hold a pencil weird too yeah that's that's my argument is that i that's my justification for is that you know and how do you hold a pencil can you show people do you have oh my god we have well this is just gonna be audio but like yeah i hold it like um i look like i have cerebral palsy yes when i hold and then that is not a slight on people with cerebral palsy.

It looks like I have a bone disease. Who taught you that and who tried to get it out of your system? I taught myself. This just feels comfortable to me. Yeah. And this never felt comfortable to me. I was writing my dearest Tabitha. I am at on the seas and I long for you.

Whenever I write like you're supposed to, it feels like I'm writing with a feather quill and signing the Declaration of Independence. I am at on the seas and I long for you. Whenever I write like you're supposed to. Yeah. It feels like I'm writing with a feather quill and like signing the Declaration of Independence. So it had nothing to do with wanting to be different of writing different. No, my God. Are you kidding? All I wanted to be was the same. I hated being like, Nikki, we need to get you special writing lessons. Like Nikki Holzer.

And, you know, everyone was just always like, what are you doing now? You don't write anymore. So no one ever sees me do it. Once in a while, I'll do something. People will be like, what the fuck is that? Why do you wipe your hand? I remember I saw it for the first time. I remember too.

Yeah, I thought your hand was broken. I thought it was in a vice. Well, the thing is, I think that my pointer finger is twisted. It doesn't go straight. It goes to the right. Is this why you don't eat sushi? Because of chopsticks? No, I love chopsticks.

Are you afraid of chopsticks? You know I love chopsticks. I know. I would forego a fork with chopsticks. I love chopsticks. I really do. Yeah, they're fun. I would rather use chopsticks than my hands.

Do you remember the first time you ever used chopsticks? I think every small town. I know the first time I had sushi, you get a tuna roll, just plain tuna maki roll. Or you get a cute California roll. Yeah, that's the classic one. I mean, I was a chicken teriyaki guy until I was about 14. I was so afraid of sushi. Yeah, sushi was just so exotic.

It was like eating. It was like fear factor. It was. Speaking of, the one of the one time it's not cooked I eat such big bites that and I think I've said this before and I'm sorry to mention David Spade again but I was at dinner with him and I ate such a big bite I was eating this like salad and I

took such a big bite with my chopsticks that it was honestly like a perfect right angle with my chopsticks like they were so there's so much between them and i stuffed it in my face and he goes easy fear factor and he goes god is joe rogan sitting next to you with a stopwatch what's going on i spit it out i was laughing so hard and he goes honestly if i go he goes it looked like you know i think i said that i was like it looks like an obtuse angle. Like my top six were this, like this much apart. He was like, it was so embarrassing getting caught doing a big bite.

But that's, I take huge bites. I would never have called you out on a big bite. Really? Yeah, it's just something I wouldn't do. I mean, I think, I don't know. I wouldn't mind if you called me out on a big bite. I'm a big biter. I'm a huge like.

Dude, sometimes I'll take too big of a bite. I need to spit it out. And then I try or i love because of my choking fear oh yeah still hits me up when i'll eat a fatty it hits you up it's like hey what's up hey what's up i remember me do you remember how you're a little bitch yeah i remember when i made you go to the hospital when uh you weren't choking on anything and because you were laying on your grandma's carpet and you thought you inhaled a fiber and you drove yourself to the hospital because you thought you were choking it up yeah i remember you thanks uh you want to hang out later thanks for coming up on the seventh hole before i made this chip i appreciate that uh i'm gonna make you smash a mirror tomorrow dude

i don't give a fuck uh i do i'm scared of you uh so i i every anytime i eat like a fatty piece of meat i'll think i I'm going to choke on it. Don't call Brenna that. I better. I'll eat that meat. I'm never afraid of choking on there. If Brenna weren't the most perfect bodied person in the world, I would never make that joke.

Yes. You know what I mean? Yes, of course. And if she wasn't cool. But no, I um but so then i'll have to spit it out but i spit it out smoothly but there i'm not being smooth i'm sure you've probably seen me spit into smooth dude spit into a napkin like when you think you're being smooth i mean we were talking about this the other night like i can't andrew will always like if we're in

if we're together and there's like someone being weird let's say there's like there's three of us at a table and it's some it's like a new comic that's like backstage with us or something and he says something like dude like I just he says something you know ridiculous to me like fuck PC culture or no he goes

he goes you know what like I didn't used to think you were funny but you were great like so something that I honestly don't even care anymore you know what? Like, I didn't used to think you were funny, but you were great. Like, so something that I honestly don't even care anymore. You know, Andrew will like, I'll just keep looking at the guy like totally normal, like nothing. My face. You will not read on my face. If I even if I am.

I haven't had Botox in my argument. You have a perfect poker. I'm really good at having a poker face when someone says something really absurd or drops like, you know, I was going to say the N word, but if someone said the N word in front of me, I would call them out on it. But no, not that word. But if I if I if but you but you this is what I feel. I could feel Andrew next to me and he'll do this. His his head will jerk so wildly that he'll knock over a mirror.

Like it is. He'll, he'll look at me like, did you hear that? Like right in front of the person. And I'm like, and maybe the person isn't looking at Andrew, but I don't think Andrew understands peripheral like vision.

I don't, I think that there's a lack of, um, just understanding that that person might be able to see you. Yeah. And so you'll look at this. Sometimes I think I'm invisible. And then, yes, yes, you'll do that.

Because it started so early with you. I started recognizing it because I've always been someone who's really good about not, if there's like a little person who walks by or someone that looks really like weird and is like limping and like homeless. Or writes like you. Or is signing a check and is holding the pen the same way i do like i've never i've always been someone who doesn't want to anyone to feel like i'm making fun of them even though i'm not a good person like i'd never make fun of them like now i don't ever i'm not pointing out little people no no no

i'm just giving examples of like in high school. Oh, look at him, little guy. No, in middle school. No, I know, yeah. Adults all the time point out little people, by the way. A little person walks by and they go, oh my God, look, look, look. Our hands are already pointed that way. Are you kidding?

Kind of. What do you mean? Our hands are naturally face down. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Well, that was good. That was decent. No joke.

It's not even a joke. I'm just... It's biology. No, I mean like across the street of someone. I just have never... I hate when there's a person with a facial disfigurement or something really weird. And they just have... They go through their whole life and all they do is people look at them.

That's all their whole life is. Or if they're like a trans woman who is a six-foot – had been a six-foot-six man and now – and it's just like it's very obvious that they're a man who is transitioning. I never will snicker about that. I will not talk about that. I will not acknowledge that they're different until like – pretty much ever now ever now, because I'm just like, it's not of note, but then I, if I'm with someone who does something like hits me, I won't even acknowledge it.

Cause I know that when I was anorexic, I think it's after I was anorexic. I realized that all the things that people do that they think you don't see, you see when you're a person that is being talked about everywhere you go, you see the nudges, you see the, Hey, look over there. You see them whisper.. You see the, hey, look over there.

You see them whisper, and then the person doesn't see it, and then you see that person's head move towards you. You see it all. And so if I could just reach out to anyone who's listening right now that might be someone who, you know, you're not a bad person for wanting to point out a little person because sometimes you don't see them a lot, and it is interesting. Like maybe you're not making fun of them,

but it's just like an interesting person that maybe has like a, you know, like maybe an albino person, someone that just like looks different. Don't be a child and go, and they know, they know that you're talking about them. They, even the most subtle thing,

like even a kick under the table, they see that stuff. And I know you're like, they don't see me kicking under the table. I used to see girls kick each other under the table about me across the cafeteria when they thought they were being so subtle. And then there were other girls that would just go like, oh, my God, and do it very obviously. So I think I'm just very sensitive to that stuff. But, like, you know, the best example I have of you is. Oh, is when I, what,

look in an ass? Well, oh my God, watching you see other women or hot guys, he'll even with hot guys, he'll be like, did you see that guy?

And I go, yeah, I saw that guy. I didn't nudge you about it though. This girl was wearing, I mean, this was, I'm not saying it's just,

but it was a couple of years ago in New York and she had on, you know, yoga pants and her butt was just, it was the biggest, most insane butt I've ever seen. And I'm just – I'm mesmerized by it, but I don't try to be creepy with it. I'm literally just like in awe of – it's like seeing a beautiful painting, but I'm not – But you weren't present enough to know that someone could see you.

Yeah, and so another comic, this guy Reggie Conquest – Oh, my God. He's like, bro, and i like i didn't know he was there like he was just randomly i got caught staring at a girl's boobs in high school i think that was very formative for me too what i zoned out because this girl just had big boobs and i was just like i think i was just i don't i could have been looking at her shirt i don't know what it was but he goes whoa nikki's checking out your tits and i was like i don't even know that i was but it was so embarrassing that i just got caught staring at this girl ruined my relationship with the nipples my ex-girlfriend said that i was staring at someone's nipples through their shirt because she wasn't wearing a bra that's why i don't wear things that

show my nipples uh and like my cleavage because i just don't want because i know men can't control it and i don't want to make men like i don't like when men are like especially friends like you i don't care like if you look at my nipples i'm just like oh he's just a but i wasn't even gawking over her nipples i was just like those are nipples i'm not used to seeing female nipples they're here in a bar i'm gonna maybe they're gonna probably get my attention for a little bit longer it's not like oh i want to fuck i want to fuck her well the thing was you probably do or did there's like something not her but like the fact that you were attracted to nipples didn't mean that you wanted to fuck that girl in particular to her but it made your girlfriend at the time think oh my god he like he's attracted

to other things that catch his eye not necessarily his friend's nipples but like that made her feel insecure that and that girl is living in a delusional world where the guy she's dating is not going to be attracted to other women yes i mean please get over yourself i mean i honestly feel like even with brenda if we were people watching we could go look at that girl's nipples and like you could almost talk about it. Oh my god I love pointing out hot girls when I'm with a guy that I'm into and being like look how fucking hot she is like would you

and like he's like oh my god I love it. That is fun. It's so fun. I don't do the same for guys at all because it's just not a two way street like people always go oh you don't mind if your boyfriend like hooks up with girls on the road because it's just not a two-way street. People always go, oh, you don't mind if your boyfriend hooks up with girls on the road, so you gotta hook up with guys,

and it's like, no, not everything has to be equal. I'm just saying, I don't mind it. I respect that he does mind it. No, I have a question for you. How do you feel about your fiance if you catch him looking at other girls? Do you struggle with the idea that he might be attracted to other women?

Not anymore. Really? Yeah. Now that you live in a desert, the only thing you can fuck is a cactus? But when that cactus has that little bloom once a year that looks like a nipple? Oh, shit.

Noah's swinging clubs. That cactus is so wet in there beneath the thorns oh yeah tell me tell me no what what um have you have you seen him be attracted to other women or had any kind of like inkling in your healthy stage of your relationship and how was that different than when you would have perceived it before? Can you give us an example? I think it really has a lot to do with our relationship and how we've built it and conversations that we've had about my jealousy. And I don't know, like something just happened. It was a conversation that I've told you about where he pointed out, he's like, yeah, if I see long legs, I'm going to be attracted to that. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to go and like pursue that girl to fuck her because I have integrity and I love our relationship.

And once I heard that, it was just the right wording, the right time. And now I actually think it's hot when he looks at another woman. Have you tried making your legs longer? Yeah, I have like a stretcher in the back. Yeah. Well, she's tired of being pointed at across the street by people. She's a tiny, tiny little person. Noah, that is so interesting.

And if you are someone listening to the podcast right now and you just zoned out and didn't hear what Noah just said. Very important to rewind and hear the way that man handled jealousy. And women, too. If your woman gets jealous of you looking at another woman or being attracted to another woman, saying that you're not and denying it is not going to get you anywhere. Because, first of of all that's a lie you're a man you're allowed to be attracted to other women it's biologically impossible for you to not be i think unless you were completely neutered by this woman so the way he responded again tell us what he said he's like i have integrity it's not like the long legs thing interests me because you do not have long legs so that is a woman's worst fear that a man might be attracted to something that you don't have

so say you have small boobs and you and you are jealous of a guy that's kind of like getting a little bit aroused by a woman on tv with big boobs or you know his friend is telling about a girl that he's dating that has big boobs and he high fives him or something. And you go, Oh my God, he likes girls with big boobs. Instead of you going, do you like girls with big boobs? Like, tell me you don't.

Or like, that's what you want. Don't look for that. This guy that Noah is in love with was able to tell her that he is into the opposite thing that she has. I mean, she does have legs, but they're real nubby.

And no, she no you have amazing legs yeah her feet are on her knees it's cool your legs are incredible and they are okay for your your body but but for him to say about long legs that's not something you pride yourself on necessarily is having long legs so for him to acknowledge that and say yeah i'm gonna be attracted to women with long legs yeah it's gonna be sexually arousing for me but i'm not going to go off and try to have sex with them and replace your short nubs yeah i'm sorry no i'm just trying to be funny with those long legs because i have integrity men say that say i have integrity and i just don't know enough that i'm not gonna if i'm in a bar and a girl says you're looking at

her nipples and i go you're right i am looking at her nipples she has great nipples but i'm with you i feel like a lot of women hearing that out there right now would have trouble especially at a bar if they were drinking themselves because this is a two-way street too noah because i don't think you would have been able to handle that statement had you not done the work on yourself as well where it doesn't mean you're going to be perfect and not get jealous like you there are times where it bubbles up obviously that was a time for you where you were doing better than you would have before that you could even have that conversation without smashing plates yes yes but yes it still

was uncomfortable for you and you didn't like the conversation but then there was something about it that not only, A, put you at ease, but B, turned you on. The thing that irritates you more than anything in the world and makes you feel more insecure than anything in the world in past relationships is now something that turns you on. Because, you know, and this might not be one size fits all where every woman is going to be super horny for integrity, but there's something about the way he phrased that where it was like, I value our relationship enough that no matter what happens out there or what I'm tempted by, I'm those sirens can do whatever they want. I'm going to, I've, I've,

I've, I've like, you know, like what Odysseus or whatever, he like ties himself to the thing so that he can't make the ship crash into the ocean. So you're the tie. You've bonded him to the ship. Yeah.

No, I think her reaction and exactly what you said, they've worked on themselves. A woman who can't handle that is just, yeah. Yeah. I mean, then he's going to run to old daddy long legs because you just screamed at him for being honest and for just being a human being. And it forces him to lie, too. A lot of men are just going to go, I wasn't looking at her.

Because, like, I mean, you did not want to bang your friend whose nipples were out. I really didn't. Yeah, she's not someone that you have a, like, and I know that, too. I know who we're talking about. And that's not your dynamic with this person but the fact that you're looking at nipples does mean that you are attracted to other women that's like yeah sure yeah yes i would agree with that so yes but you you probably just double down on like i don't want to fuck her and that was probably the issue

where the real issue is you have a problem with me being attracted to anyone else yeah not just her which isn't the problem yeah and that was a problem with me being attracted to anyone else. Yeah. Not just her. Yes. Which isn't the problem. Yeah. And that was the problem with that particular woman, which, I mean, what girl hasn't felt that way before? I'm sure. Of wanting a guy to only have eyes for you. I remember asking my friend who was dating a guy, I go, if you could make him never attracted

to another woman the rest of his life and completely turn off his sexual attraction to anyone else but you, would you? And she was like, 100%. And I was like, I would never want that. Would they know it or would their mind brain be erased? It would be erased. Would you do that? I think most men would. I don't think I would.

I like giving her or the idea of choice. Well, I like the idea of like, I earned you. Yeah. Like, I like the idea of like I earned you. Yeah. Like I'm earning you every day and like that and not even earning. Like I'm important enough to you that I make you want to have integrity enough to be honest with me and respect me. Yeah. If I said yes right away, I would feel like I don't trust that person. Like deep down, I don't trust that person like deep down i don't trust that person and i think that's what makes me horny for guys that hook up with other

girls or if i talk about how hot a girl is and he's like oh my god she's so hot because yeah because i like because he's with me and he could have that because he's a great guy and if i like him he could have anyone you know i'm picky as shit or in my mind. That's what I think. Like if, if he's, if I've, if I've given him the green light, this guy could get anyone because I'm such a prize, which is how you should feel about yourself anyway. And so to me, it's like, wow, he's choosing to stay with me because I have all these other things that aren't those, those tits or those legs or those you know labia or lack of yeah whatever it is yeah no i i hear you i just think it could be exhausting to like feel like uh you're competing for the person's attention like like every day i gotta feel like oh they could they could leave they could find

someone better and i well that's i'm not saying that that's what you're saying I'm saying like for me like I would just it would be exhausting for me to like feel like I have to that I that I continuously

have to beat out these other people no I feel like this isn't a continual thing that you have to be like oh I have to remind myself she likes me it's just like yeah she makes you feel that way

so it just doesn't even it's not even an issue yeah yeah yeah you know we gotta get to the news let's get to it the news apparently here it comes you it. The news, apparently. Here it comes.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy. Sorry about not saying swells right away. I hope you have all the swells. Swells, swells. Swells, swells, swells, swells.

And having a great time out there in swells. Okay, new research suggests that in a romantic relationship, current feelings of intimacy, connectedness, closeness, and warmth can predict sexual desire 90 minutes later. So essentially, more intimacy means more connection sexually. And in relationships, people start ignoring each other. I think people get intimacy and sex confused. Like they're the same thing.

Yes, yes. We're talking about emotional intimacy is predicated. Yes, before you're going to be banging. Like a romantic relationship as a living system, if the partners ignore the relationship and become distant and mutually alienated, the relationship can slowly shrivel and die. So essentially, for intimacy to motivate sexual desire intimacy needs to be renewed regularly the best way to build intimacy is through quality time

yeah okay that makes sense i the book i'm reading that cupid's poisoned arrow it's like about they they schedule like a cuddle session every day every day where they hold each other and like touch for like a couple minutes. Like that's a long time to hold someone and like breathe them in. Like I do it with my dogs sometimes. Like when I'm feeling

distant from them, I'll just hold them and like, and you know, they're rescue pups so they feel very insecure even though they push me away a lot and like act like they don't want it.

All Luigi wants when I finally like grab it i'm like get over he just like falls into me and sometimes i just like put my face in their coat and i just take three deep breaths because i just want to like i want them to breathe me in and like just feel like you're safe like we're safe and then we bang so fucking hard later it's like our what did i say who fucks who marion see look at she's she's just laying here not even giving a shit because we we had morning sex so she's tapped out she always looks like she has morning i told you know what i told her not to come this is so gross uh you know this checks

out i i think that my next relationship i'm'm really going to want a lot of forced, I hate to say it, but like scheduled sessions. Eye contact is huge, I think. Yeah, like of just like those questions, the Esther Perel game, where should we begin? Just pulling one of those out every single morning while we're getting ready for work and going like, even if we're in a rush and just trying to like connect and share something together that isn't sexual

and is just meant to and and the cuddling doesn't have to be sexual either and and i don't think should be just to yeah here's like a list of like some things i could build intimacy having high regard for the person happy when together the desire to promote his or her welfare able to count on him or her in times of need mutual understanding sharing one's possessions and innermost self with him or her giving and receiving emotional support intimate communication okay so yeah valuing him yeah i mean these are all they're all very like on the service but i i do think people don't do them i i do feel like we're all in our own, you know, our own minds and thinking about ourselves where sometimes we don't stop and think about our partner and what they're going through

and being, I hate the word, empathetic towards their feelings. Why that word is, I think it's overused now because people don't even know what it means. They don't know the difference between sympathy and empathy and they just are sympathetic but they're not empathetic and if you don't know the difference you should look it up. I don't want to go into it and I had to learn it. I was not taught

it. My family did not have any empathy and it's not because they're bad people. They didn't learn it from their parents but being able to like i was just the most russell brand no i saw you liked this too did you see the jocko willink um video on russell bransing or did you like it without watching the whole thing because sometimes i do that too i i started watching it but i saved it for later to watch the whole thing um i'm just gonna read read the quote that Jocko Willink said.

Russell Brand's talking about how to, losing your shit, here's how to deal with conflict, with help from Jocko Willink. And it says, so Jocko Willink's this gigantic man. He's an ex-Navy SEAL. Okay, yeah, ex-Navy SEAL. He never gets into any conflict ever, pretty much. Yeah, I saw this video. He's very mindful.

And he goes, what I do in a situation like that. So Russell Brand's like, so what would you do you do you know if you go on the street and someone you know bumps into you road rage how would you handle that jocko and he even acknowledges like this is a big guy so this guy's not having a lot of confrontation on the street like a normal person would but jocko willink even acknowledges that the most of the time that he's provoked is in traffic because people cannot see what he looks like. So he says, what I do in a situation like that, if someone was yelling at me, is I'd probably say, hey, sorry, man, didn't mean to. If I accidentally bump into someone in a bar and they get hostile with

me, I'll probably say, hey, man, sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Can I buy you a beer? Yeah. And you know, anyone that's going to try, they're usually provoking your ego, you know, so I'm not really going to let some person get me emotional about whatever's going on. And you've got to figure they've had a rough day. Like if someone's that mad because you cut them off in the car, man, what are they going on? What's going on in their world? I don't know what's happened to them. I don't know whether they've got a sick kid. I don't know if they've got fired from their job. There's all kinds of situations that could be happening. You know, my life is pretty good.

There's a 98% chance that that person's having a much worse day than I'm having. So I don't want to make their day any worse. I normally don't get, you know, accosted on the street. It's more likely in the car that someone can't really tell, you know, what I look like. And maybe they might flip me off or something like that. And I'll say sorry and wave or whatever. But we're looking to de-escalate those situations nothing good is going to come from them and I just thought that was I've been in so many situations especially with men in cars where someone will do something stupid in front of you and by the way stuff we've all done we've all cut someone off unintentionally and I know you're like

no when I got mad at this person it's because they they knew what they were doing and they stuff we've all done. We've all cut someone off unintentionally. And I know you're like, no, when I got mad at this person, it's because they knew what they were doing. And they, because sometimes there are guys with like the truck nuts and the Trump flag. They're like, and like being,

and you know, they're doing it intentionally. But there's also people that you get mad at that just didn't know what they, they're not paying attention. Maybe they're texting like you've never texted and driven before. I mean,

this is what empathy is, is being like, is understanding that that person has had a bad day and also understanding this isn't really empathy. But when you have been in there, that situation too, I've said this a million times, but people who don't let people who are running late for their plane cut in front of them when you're not running late, you're a piece of shit because and i know you go well i got here in time they just and you don't know why they're late first of all they could have had a sick kid they could have whatever their alarm clock their power went out and their phone died or something oh but you know what they were just hung over they drank too much last night well you

also don't know what led them to drink a lot like you can make a million excuses for why that person was a shithead and like just oh well they they were just lazy well you don't know why they're lazy maybe they had a rough childhood and didn't learn how to not uh pack early and get to the airport early whatever it is just know that there's gonna be a time in your life when you're late for the airport and god are you gonna want someone to have the courtesy to go go ahead i'm not going to make you feel bad about running late because it's so embarrassing to run late so when there's road rage and so and you you get mad at someone in front of you it is all about you it's all about whatever you're going through that day honestly you should be empathetic for yourself because you would not get mad at this

person if you had your shit together because you would understand that this person is going through their own shit and has nothing to do with you. And maybe you're like, well, they're not being safe and they could hurt someone. And if I don't honk at them and flip them off, they won't know that they're being an asshole. They know, especially if they're doing it with

intent and being a little like, you know, they know. So you flipping them off is not going to make anything better. And I just think it's hard because sometimes it's like you want to be empathetic or sympathetic whatever the word you want to use but it's like at what point and i guess jaco would say no matter what the point unless the guy's actually stabbing him is he gonna try to fight back or or get angry like that's the hard thing is like at what point are you like okay i can't give you all these excuses because you came from a childhood that

was bad or or you got hung over because your wife you know spit in your food or is putting arsenic in your food whatever but but my point is is like at what point do you stop being empathetic and start going look motherfucker you need you have issues you need to change or i can't keep giving you i think it's when it would like injure other people and and i don't i gave that example of like you know someone who's revving their like yeah yeah yeah driving call the cops and say yeah, there's this truck going. That's how you handle it. Because you flipping them off and honking and getting out and yelling at them. That person's not going to handle that well.

It's only going to lead them to like beat their children when they get home and and add to it. And it's hard. I mean, this is this is stuff that I wish I could practice myself. What was that? Can I chime in on this? Yes. Please. Just real quick. stuff that I wish I could practice myself. What was that? Can I chime in on this? Yes. Please.

Just real quick. I think what Jocko is trying to say is that don't give someone the power to influence how you feel. Yeah, that's it. That's what I take from that. And in anger management, that's just a thing that I've held on to. And it's like, yeah,

I don't want to give someone the satisfaction of making me feel worse than I felt two seconds ago before they cut me off. So that's how I interpreted that. Yeah, I mean, I hear that, but I would even challenge the way you're presenting that because I like what you're saying, but even the way you're presenting it

is doing something like, I don't want to give them satisfaction. I want to take away their pleasure. So I wouldn't even phrase it that way. I would phrase it like I don't want my – the way that I'm feeling after having that interaction that didn't need to necessarily happen if I was able to just apply empathy and de-escalate. The tension I'm now feeling is going to have a ripple effect for people in my life and it's going to cause people in my life pain. And I want to not do that. And it's going to cause me pain, obviously, the rest of the day. Stress, you're like all your stress

hormones go up. It's going to like age you and cause you pain. So as much as it's like, don't give them the satisfaction. I don't like that phrasing because it means like, I don't want you to be happy. And I'm not saying like, oh, well then give them the satisfaction. I don't like that phrasing because it means like, I don't want you to be happy. And I'm not saying like, oh, well then give them the satisfaction because then that'll make them feel good. Because honestly, the satisfaction they feel, even if you do give them what they want in terms of like escalating, is not going to actually make them happier, even if they think it will.

But I understand what you're saying. That's a good way to phrase it for people who are still making that person the enemy because you're like I don't want to make that fucking motherfucker happy so I'm going to be stoic so that they don't get to smile and know that they affected me but they did affect you but no they don't

no no but I'm saying that how you're phrasing it and how I think what you're saying though is like make it more about I'm reacting this is how I'm going to react no matter it's not because of you you're phrasing it and how i think what you're saying though is like make it more about i'm reacting this is how i'm gonna react no matter it's not because of you it's not because i'm doing it to defy you or to piss you off it's not even having to do with you anymore well you're doing it for yourself and for the your loved ones who are going to be affected by the mood change that is uh like comes from this interaction but i mean I mean, it's so important. Like, anger is such an insane,

it just really hijacks your brain and can make you say and do the wildest things. Like, I was talking to someone about it yesterday, about, like, things you've said to people that are just, like, just really just, I mean, my dad always used to say, Nick, you go for the jugular. And I always just felt like the worst person because he was like, God, you take it from zero to 60 so fast.

Nicky always goes for the jugular. And I was like, I always was like, why do I have to have a biology lesson with your insult that I have to go look up what that means? But yeah, like I would just, I would go after the meanest thing. But really what I was going after was let's acknowledge what's going on in this house that no one will and in the moments of anger I was able to be like actually it's all because of mom doing this all the time and I would say the thing that no one was talking about which would he would say was the jugular which was really the thing that was really on the underlying yeah yeah as opposed to being like well it's because mom's ugly I wouldn't say that I would say something that no one wanted to

talk about yeah yes and that was apparently going for the jugular but again I have empathy for my dad who um like didn't grow up in a house where people talked about feelings so I you know I'm reading this book right now called running on empty and I really recommend people check it out it's about emotional neglect in families and it's not you know if you grew up in a house where there's addiction issues and uh physical abuse like and you know incest molestation those are really like very concrete things you can point out and go okay that's why I'm fucked up and And it's, it's not better than, than, you know, emotional neglect, which is a little bit more insidious. And you, a lot of people struggle because they go, I had such loving parents that gave me everything. I didn't go to

school hungry. I was well fed. My parents said, I love you. You know, you might have the story of your parents being perfect and you go, why am I still fucked up? Why do I don't like myself, and I'm in bad relationships? And it's because you probably suffered emotional neglect from your perfect parents because no parents are perfect. Even the best parents in the world have some cases of emotional neglect. There's 10 types of emotional neglect that are written about in this book called Running on Empty that I found about on Reddit. We're going to get to a Reddit dump later. But I've turned all my friends on to it because I feel like so many of my friends did not suffer really obvious trauma they suffered just they they had everything provided for them they came from either rich families or like they're

well taken care of their parents weren't like guttural alcoholics that's rachel feinstein's word um but they were just like you know maybe a computer addiction, TV addiction, depression. And these are all things that you go, my mom loved us, but she was really depressed. And it's like, that really fucked you up in ways that you don't even know.

And you're not allowed to let yourself ever feel bad for yourself for that. But I never was hungry. And my parents said, I love you. And I was never, I was always got whatever I wanted.

So this book kind of helps you pinpoint it. And if anything, it really helps you have empathy for your parents and not blame them. And I'm reading it now. I talked about my parents' emotional neglect on stage this weekend. And my aunt was in the audience. And my aunt wrote to me later and was like, you know, I'm actually, it was really nice to hear you talk about that. Because I told her, you know, I'm, I'm actually, it was really nice to hear you talk about that. I, cause I told her, you know, you really inspired me. Cause she made a joke of like, oh, I, she was my, she's my godmother.

And I was like, she was like, I barely even like talk to you. I'm sure I was such an influence. And I go, you were, you were like a very career driven woman, very successful and just, uh, kill, like started her own business, multimillionaire, like boss bitch. And I was like, it was hugely influential. And she wrote to me and she was like, I sacrificed a lot for that. Like my kids need a lot of therapy

because I wasn't there for them because of that. And I was like, read Running on Empty, not only so you can realize where you got that from, from your own parents, but also empathize with yourself that you aren't perfect. And this book makes you feel, if you're a parent right now hearing this, it'll hold your hand and make you feel less bad about,

because you're always, you're going to do something. And so I even told her, I go, I'm reading this book. It's helping me have empathy for my parents and not be mad at them about it and acknowledge it. And also prepare me for when I have kids to know that I'm going to fuck up too. And it's okay. And that there are ways to work on it.

Next story. Sorry, I spent a lot of time on that uh jonah hill says instagram is the cigarettes of this time he's quote smokes i know he got he's quoted as saying it is the biggest killer it is death and i fully participate in it like i smoke cigarettes again it's a spectrum of what you find healthy i have to have really limited interaction with it he added and so for me i'm not dissing anybody i'll post a selfie on instagram i don't give a fuck i'm just as hypocritical as everybody else so the point being is it's all maybe a work in progress to get towards happiness acknowledge

it but the real truth is we're all out here selling a movie my ego is stroked in some way so i said yes and cool today i'm playing a different game. Maybe tomorrow I'll be less self-involved. Love it. You know, the first step in taking care of an addiction is not quitting it. Yeah. It's acknowledging that you have a problem. That's the first step of anything. So just, I love that because he's not doing anything different.

He's just saying, listen listen this thing we're all doing is really really bad this thing that I'm currently doing is bad and it is I mean how many hours I have a timer on mine that goes yeah it's I'm trying to be better you know it is so interesting he does say like some days you're

really into it and other days I really don't check Instagram and a lot of it has to do with if you post or not if i don't post my the probability of me checking probably goes down my percentages probably go down 50 yeah my daily average for my phone uh like on like for everything i'm on yeah 10 hours and 10 minutes that That is, I mean. That's a day? That's a day, dude. And let me just say that I do have my white noise machine on all night,

so maybe it's a lot of that. Let me just see. Watch it not take that. I don't think it's that. It isn't that. Instagram, one hour, 24 minutes. Not bad. Messages, one hour, six minutes.

Reddit, 50 minutes every single night. Google, 23 minutes. Mail, 10 minutes. And then the rest are like, you know. But that doesn't count. That doesn't count. Yeah, wait, that doesn't work. 10 hours.

But yeah, I mean, I'm in. Oh, this was today, I think, is when I was 24 minutes. No, is that today? Yeah, let me go to yesterday. Hold on. Where is it in your phone again? Screen time. Screen time.

Yeah, so usually, let me see. Today. Oh, shit. My screen time wasn't turned on yeah you didn't want to know true okay so yesterday oh my god this is gonna be really sad zero minutes for me so yesterday oh my god you guys yesterday 12 hours 50 minutes on my phone holy shit instagram was one hour and 57 minutes my camera was an hour and 47 minutes. That was all me just playing guitar.

So that could be taken out. Yeah. Messages was one hour and 40 minutes. That seems crazy to me. I know. I don't know what that means. I guess I listen to voice memos and I'm on voice.

I don't know. Reddit was an hour and 12. Safari was 49. YouTube 38. Finder? Why would I be on Finder? to find a perfect sex honestly i was not on finder so that doesn't make sense tabs 20 minutes i mean a lot of this was just me playing guitar but you know um my limits for instagram and twitter though together two hours like i can

like and then a little thing pops up that goes you've reached your limit for today do you want and i always ignore it. But sometimes I see that in the morning. Sometimes I see that never. But two hours is my limit. But will you put yours on so we can check yours? Yeah, I did. I put it on.

And, you know, I do. Look, I don't post on TikTok, but I'm probably on TikTok at this point more than Instagram. Yeah. The nice thing about TikTok is you don't see your friends on there. It's just random strangers. So there's no like connectiveness or competitiveness or like what are they doing? What am I not doing? For some reason, strangers trigger me so much more because I can project more perfection.

If it's my friends, I'm like, I know that person's an alcoholic. I know that person has abusive relationships. I know that person is so insecure. I've seen them but if you see like certain comedians like selling out arenas or whatever that doesn't affect you at all if they're close to you no not anymore like uh there's there's a couple comics that their their popularity triggers me and i i mute them yeah i don't go to their stuff yeah and if i see it it will trip me up for like i think i went to one person's a couple like a week ago yeah and it tripped me up for like

two hours and I was kind of going down a rabbit hole I was watching all of their content being like is this person as funny as they are popular and the truth was yes and it instead of me going I would prefer them to be not funny so I could go, God, people are so dumb. Fucking Trump. Like, this is all just Trump. Like, drum Trump. No, I think that's a huge. But the person. Yeah.

He was as funny as I didn't want him to be. Yes. And when I saw that, I was like, Nikki, first of all, you're funny. You're hilarious if you're able to acknowledge how good this person is. Like, and you know, I'm that means I able to acknowledge how good this person is like and you know i'm that means i'm like as funny as this person i need to work a little bit harder if i want to be this good or i need to acknowledge that this person i don't know them personally but he probably doesn't have the fulfilling relationships you have he probably doesn't do

a podcast every day he probably doesn't play guitar for two hours a day he probably doesn't enjoy taylor swift music and like feel emotional going runs and like, like, yeah, there's a lot of stuff that I'm doing that isn't crafting perfect jokes that is contributing to my well being and, and my art, essentially. I think that's an extremely mature way. I might have a lot of likes and ums. And I might not remember things that I say all the time. But you know, when I'm on stage, I think my happiness is going to come through a lot more than and ums and I might not remember things that I say all the time but you know when I'm on stage I think my happiness is going to come through a lot more than this guys and I would argue that you'll be by time you're it's time to film the special you have a way of word economizing and getting a rid of and just becoming pinpointed just as much as anyone else thanks man I appreciate

it yeah thanks for the support. Of course. Let's go to a quick break and we'll be right back with Why Do We Care? Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Join by the sharp voices of the entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, why do I care? Why do I care? Mama June 42. Oh, Mama June. Responds to online

trolls who slam her for 24-year-old TikTok influencer jordan mccullum 24 firing back uh so they're dating lol i do very good with myself thanks for the concern though so mama jane's dating a 24 year old yeah oh boy so a lot of people are giving her shit one source claimed a reality star is so into her younger man who is a single dad to a young daughter and a fellow recovering addict yeah she i bet she met him in recovery i i wonder if she's clean now i don't know if she is or not i know she's struggled a lot with drugs i i really love mama june i met her when i was on dancing with the stars because uh uh what's her name uh honey daughter alana

yeah honey boo boo um was on dancing with the stars juniors and they um yeah we met her yeah we met her came to comedy show and then then yeah she also i was on honey boo-boo like her reality show i don't even know if it ever aired but her honey boo-boo and her sister her older sister was lovely came backstage and visited us in atlanta and we did we shot a little scene with them remember that camera op he was so hot yeah he was he's wearing like a Boston hat dude I like we slid into each other's dms he never followed up anyway um that was years ago uh so um yeah I mean I I I reached out to Alana and at the time and said like if you ever need to talk or anything i really feel for that girl who was like thrust

into the spotlight very young and her family has just been on display and ridiculed and made fun of for so long and and they're all just so sweet mama june was so sweet backstage and like you know they've had they've had a hard life all of especially mama june you can only imagine what she's come from and then they gave her that makeover where they gave her new teeth and put her through all this surgery. They kind of like, remember that movie that showed the swan where they just make women who are. Ugly ducklings in the swans. Yeah, in the swans. And they do all this surgery.

It's like very intense. And they have to. It's just they did that to her. And then every second they're like, is she keeping on the weight? Is she losing weight? I mean, she's just someone that will never win you know people are like well you're dating a 24 year old you're 42 how do you think your daughter feels like they always like throw it on the kid like how are you

doing that to your kid it's like how are you being happy obviously i don't know from the little time i did spend with honey boo boo she seemed very funny and very like like with it and easy going where she would be like good job mom like i kind of want to fuck the guy like i think she'd be funny about it like from what i gathered mama june's 42 and this guy's 24 give me a break and would we be talking about this if we were the other way around no i'm literally dating a 25 year old i'm 41 yeah there we go a same difference yeah if I had a kid people would probably and she was like 20

people would go oh my god she's the same age as your daughter yeah well they share coloring books and they actually have fun together

yeah they color in between the lines sometimes yeah I just like it's just ease off Mama June if you're listening to this

stop commenting on celebrities anything negative anything just quit it and I want to do it all the fucking time i want to comment on celebrity and i do it on the show i'm a hypocrite i'm gonna continue to do it but when i find myself wanting to comment or write a youtube comment or a reddit comment that's negative stop it just you don't know these people stop also if she was hot about your friends but you don't shit on them with your friends but don't actually write about it and tweet about it. Also, if she was hot. Talk about your friends. You don't shit on them with your friends, but don't actually write about it and tweet about it, you loser.

And if she was hot, like Demi Moore got Ashton Kutcher, but Demi Moore was a hot older woman. She was a cougar that took down a little baby lamb. But because she's not pretty and this guy's like a little bit muscular, I mean he's not like insanely handsome, whatever, but it's like, what? Like, oh, God. It's because he's not like insanely handsome whatever but it's like what like that's it's because she's not attractive whatever also what i did find funny about the story though is it goes mama june buys them two cars and you would think like oh she bought him

like two teslas she bought him a uh a 2013 maxima that broke down. And then because it broke down, she got him a 2019 Maxima. I mean, that's not... That's a responsible purchase for your new boyfriend. Yeah. Maybe he's becoming an Uber driver and that's an income for him. I don't know.

Like, just, I really mean this. If you're someone, and I used to be you too, who has an opinion about celebrities and wants to tweet about it, you don't have a right to do it. And I would actually examine what you're going to comment, and I bet it has something to do with your own life. But you don't know these people, and you don't have a right to comment on them. You can talk about them in your personal life with your husband and your friends and gossip all you want do not tweet about it because these people have families these people have daughters and and it's just none of your business stop it i read on

on the reddit i'm gonna get to the reddit dump here in a second but i see these celebrity savvy like little catty bitches on demois demois the you know the the gossip blog that on their instagram story they write all these posts about celebrities doing different stuff and it's all blind items. It's all people just ratting celebrities out, overhearing their conversations, spying on them in public.

Oh, he was cuddled up with this girl and the girl got up, when he got from the table the girl seemed to be texting and like making fun of him and it's like none of this he didn't need to know any of this and he's definitely gonna see it because whenever i see my friends on there i always go you're on dimwit nick vile someone said you looked yummy on dimwit he's like eight people have sent me this thank you and i'm like you do look yummy um but so if it's positive these people always write yeah if you're it's positive no but that's why i love the nicki

glazer subreddit i think what happens though is i think with reality television people think they could comment because they're it's it's more personal because you're commenting on their actual life as opposed to critiquing a tv show yeah or something that's you know fiction even though we all know reality tv i would even say that like just you can comment you get you get to even look at these people's lives and i know you're like well they get paid a lot no they really don't he doesn't pay that much to be honest with you it's not people are going brett butler apparently made like 26 million dollars when she did grace under fire from 2000 like from 1996 to 2000 and she squandered it all with bad husbands gambling i saw her one night at ralph's a grocery store and she was buying gigantic

stuffed animal siberian tigers at a grocery store in the middle of the night in la and i was just like oh that woman is has a spending problem no judgment she seemed like lovely and i've done that before i've been erratically spending before too and now she's doing a gofundme because she's fucking broke and people are like well what but you just you appeared on american horror story last year and you were also in that um on hacks in that one episode like she was did bit parts and she goes yeah i made twelve hundred dollars and after taxes six hundred dollars from that one show celebrities actors don't make a lot of money you guys i just hate people who have no sympathy for someone that

spends a shit ton of money and ends up broke reddit dump a reddit dump we're all taking a reddit dump okay so oh my god that would actually be a good song you know what people are singing a lot of this is karaoke mode oh yeah yeah this is professional mode and they're singing the F boy song a lot too. I like them boys. What was it? I like them boys. I like them boys. Okay. So this Reddit. That was on professional mode.

This is your. Okay. This will be the new Reddit song. Okay. Now ready. And in one of our besties, can you guys take this and just put music to the background and make one for us? This is your.

Wait, hold on. I want to really do a good one. We should go get that. No, we should go get the microphone and do it. It's on the couch on the side. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. All right, it's time for Reddit dump.

This is where I go through my saved items in Reddit, stuff that I wanted to show you guys. Here we go. Here we go. This is from the subreddit Starbucks where people, employees of Starbucks and patrons just vent about their frustrations mainly. Venti about it? Yeah, they

venti. A latte. Okay, so Yes! We did it! We did it! The podcast is over, you guys. Thank you so much, so. Yes. We did it. We did it. The podcast is over, you guys. Thank you so much for listening. No. Okay, this is a tweet from Jake Woody.

Yeah. His name is Jake Wood, but it's Jake Woody on Twitter. I loved this. This is from yesterday. He tweeted this, or two days ago. This girl at Starbucks yelled across the place, that's enough ice, to one of the baristas. And the barista yelled back, this isn't your order.

Oh, snap. I mean, I cringe so hard when I read that because I've done that before where I've commented like, oh, actually, I wanted almond milk. And they're like, this isn't yours. I'm like, I am so sorry. I'm going to step back. And I'm so annoying.

And I hate myself. So don't be that person. OK, this is from Ask Reddit. I loved so sorry. I'm going to step back and I'm so annoying and I hate myself. So don't be that person. Okay, this is from Ask Reddit. I loved this one. I was dying to hear both you and Noah's response to this. The question was, what was the greatest pleasure you ever felt? The greatest pleasure you ever felt. Now, let me share a couple of the top ones from this Reddit.

This guy said, getting a job offer days after rounds of interviews and assessments um one guy said wake in wake induced lucid dreaming and flying in said dream never felt anything more pleasurable before uh someone said watching people enjoy food i cooked it never gets old person said finishing a marathon and this one said uh this one's kind of gross i got surgery to fix a broken nose so I could breathe better. This involved having my nose packed with packing, essentially tampons, for weeks. It wasn't the removal of the packing that was amazing.

It was the first time I blew my nose shortly after. It felt like a half cup of mucus was pulled directly from my brain and there was a golf ball, hey Andrew, sized result in the tissue. What kind? The best feeling I, title list, the best feeling I ever experienced

was directly after that where breathing through my nose was so incredibly easy i felt like a superhuman who conditioned in the andes for months of something i laughed with excitement uh can you guys think of anything um i got two probably yeah one uh hosting for you at caroline's really very first show was really amazing because it just felt like i finally was like starting like there was something there and then secondly fixing my anal fissure like the feeling after it yeah i mean it's the same thing as a guy blowing his nose is like pooping without pain because i knew that it would you know and every day every time you poop it just is like rewarding every time

wow noah can you think of anything that was the best feeling you've ever felt i also have two real quick ones so um anytime i act against the negative wiring in my brain and get a positive result which i guess like an example is what we talked about earlier it always feels really good um and then i guess another one is um i did ear candling i don't know if you guys know what that is oh yeah it takes out the wax yeah and it like sucked all this wax out and i felt so clear-headed and then we gotta do that cleaning my ear with a q-tip it was like orgasmic oh i love a q-tip in the year oh my god i love it so much i mean i have my greatest pleasure is yet to be had and it's when someone lets me dissect their

award award that i really want to get into that will be my greatest pleasure i'm serious um mine is and these are weird ones i'm a freak go. Mine is when I have shin splints because I get them really, really, really bad. I used to in high school. I couldn't walk. I had to quit field hockey because of it and I sucked. But I truly was terrible. Probably because of the splints. No, I was nicknamed Grandma Jennifer because I used to iron my hair like Jennifer Aniston's

and I limped. And so they called me Grandma Jennifer because I limped when I ran because I had shin splints so bad. But right here along my, I have exterior like shin splints and when they get inflamed, they hurt so bad. And when someone just goes, massages down them

and the pain of it being like tortured is pleasure for me. I love, I love sore muscle pain so much. And I remember going to get one. You're a pain head. I am. When I got a massage with my pedicure and this woman,

I go, can I just get 20 minutes of whatever that is? And sometimes I'm like, I get ballsy enough to ask for what I want in a massage. And just like this woman just made me feel comfortable. And I was like, just right here and just hard as you can. And I was just like, ah, like the pain.

I know I've been next to you when you get foot massages and I never see a more happy present. Like it's the best feeling in the world. Yeah. Yeah. You love it. And then the other one is when a guy that I like text me back. Like when I get the confirmation that a guy that i think doesn't like me does

like me that feeling like oh my god he likes me like oh it's just the best feeling okay so here's another one um uh oh this was interesting this was on ask men which is just a thing it took me this guy says it took me until i was 17 to realize that percent, the percent sign, quite literally means per 100. Cent is 100 in French. What is something that took you way too long to realize? Now,

I love the answers to this because I learned some things. Someone said, wasn't until my 30s that I learned sitcom stands for situational comedy. And then someone said, I always thought peanuts grew on trees or bushes. Turns out they grow underground, which explains why they're sometimes dirt on the shell. Always goober. Also, goober just means peanut.

Elevators in the U.S. ding once for going up and twice for going down. Part of the Americans with Disabilities Act for non-seeing individuals. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it. Anyone, do you guys have any? I mean, literally all of these I just learned. But off-putting, off-putting, I thought was off-putting

until about five years ago. And not even like a joke. Like I really thought it was just off-putting. And I was off-putting by thinking it was off-putting no i was all it was all pudding when and hyenas i thought hyenas i remember the story of how you found that out it was like in front of your coach yeah i told him yeah like an old teacher on a reunion yeah i said i was on it wasn't even in high school it was after high school i said i was on a hiatus from working out and he goes okay and then i walked away and my brother goes you mean hiatus you told him you have a tall ass and i go man that was off pudding

and he goes pudding yeah i thought it was off pudding i mean what were you what was yours the one that really got me and and made me feel I just go, how did you not know that? When I was a kid and until my adulthood, and I've known this probably for 10 years now and thought it was so hilarious that I didn't put it together. I couldn't believe that everyone who died on the highway or on the road always died on the side of the road where there were no casualties ever in the middle of the road. Dude, this hit me good.

That the car would crash and then the person would eventually die where the cross was. Oh, I thought it hit the cross. No, the cross would always be where the person perished. And then one day I was like... Wait, are you envisioning them

getting in the accident, walking out of the car and then dying in the road? No, I imagine the car's tumbling into the side of the road and that's where they die. Oh, so the car and then dying in the road the car's tumbling into the side of the road and that's where they die you know the car's there which does happen very often i'm sure but i never i go that's so funny that most of the time it happens on the side of the road i just and then one day i was like oh my god they can't put a fucking cross in the middle of the road you idiot they just move it parallel in parallel. And then I go, I don't trust anything

because I want to know where someone exactly died. I'm kind of morbid like that, where I like to know exactly where it happened. This one made me laugh. Someone said, I've never been a big gamer. Through most of secondary school, high school, in US speak, they said, I had no idea Call of Duty was

COD. Sorry, I had no idea Call of Duty and COD were the same game. So when this person would read COD, they thought it was a different game. Or a fish. And actually, I thought COD was a fishing game. Oh, yeah. He thought there was a game called COD that guys were playing with their bodies. COD is a great word, man.

Final thought, Andrew. Why did they, or still do, they outline these dead bodies? It makes me think of that. Because that was like in movies, like a trope in movies. Oh, like White Chalk? Yeah. Because they need, for forensics, they need to get the body out of the way because it's like a body and they need to,

when they do the crime scene investigation, they need to understand where the body was laying so that it maybe fell in a way because it was. How long would it stay there though? Because in movies, like I'm thinking of coming to America, they go into the apartment, like the shitty apartment, and there's like a body outline. I wonder how long you leave the outline there.

Well, I guess until the forensics person comes in and wants to play hopscotch. So they have to, you have to wash it off. Chalk it up. And draw a new little thing. I mean, I don't know. That's a good question. I guess maybe until the rain comes.

I'm guessing when the forensics team cleans up and they pick up all the caution tape, they also go, hey, can I get a bucket of water? If I ever die on the road, will you put the cross in the middle of the street? No, because you can't. No, no, just spray paint it on the ground yeah so then it's flat yeah if i ever die but from a traffic collision i definitely i don't want to cross what do you want um uh what is something i like you know how like if someone gets hit by with on a bicycle they do like a white bicycle oh they do that oh come on andrew you've seen white bicycles i haven't seen it seen it. Noah, do you know about one? Yes, I know.

So if someone dies, a lot of people, like families, if someone's, it's just to raise awareness for like. Most likely it's a white guy on a 10 speed. No, they do like an albino bicycle and you shouldn't look at it. What? If you're walking by. It's bad luck? No, I'm just making a reference

to like seeing an albino person and being like. Do you put your thumbs up when you go past a graveyard? Did you ever hear that? No. Or hold your breath? Hold your breath, I've heard, but I don't do that. Thumbs up for heaven. Because that Arlington Cemetery almost died that day that we toured that with him in school.

How many people died walking? No, but thumbs up. They just fall into a grave there. They're like, oh, superstitious bitch over here. She took one for the team. We'll let her lay here. But the thumbs up is to go to heaven. Oh.

All right. You never heard that one? I guess I do want to like it doesn't matter what happens when i die like you know the playlist that i want i do have a funeral playlist on my spotify that i want you to be able to access that's why i've given you and my parents my password on my phone so you can get in even though none of you are going to remember that i gave it to you is it the same as the computer no no And you can't even remember that one. I know that one. I keep putting it in. All right.

But okay, so, but it doesn't really matter what happens. I don't believe that there's, like, I'm gonna be, like, watching what happens and being like, God, he fucked up the playlist. It'll be in my mind.

I know. I mean, like, yeah, I will live, my nagging will live on in my mind. First of all, I'm dying before you. If we had to put money on it. I don't know, man. I see myself kind of tragically dying.

And I don't mean to be morbid. And I don't want to say I'm not going to take my own life. I'm not going to cause it. But I just know that accidents happen. And like a fucking air conditioner could fall on my head. I could be crossing the street. Like shit happens. And I'm not saying that it would happen to me more likely than you.

But you're on the golf course most days. I'm running around the town. I'll probably die from lightning strike well after i hit my first hole in one yeah oh my god yeah i did it and then a pig flies by um i um i don't know what i would want but white bicycles if you see a white bicycle man that means that a person on a bike was killed why don't pedestrians have any kind of like there's never like a like a a walking stick or something a scarecrow or a pair of shoes maybe i'll put a scarecrow if you die and then like with like a quote of like no because i feel like that's mocking what i look like oh yeah oh that's what you meant okay um what oh you know what i wanted to share this one from the

this the reddit cool guides that's like for um this is for people that are like that's just cool thing like there's always signs that are like cool guides this is a guide for feeding ducks and i just think this is good information to have and to put out there if if you want to share this with people it says thank it's a sign at a park it says thank you for not feeding us bread. And there's ducks. It looks like the ducks wrote this sign. They printed, they went to Kinko's and got it printed up.

I hate when things are written by the people. It's so weird. I used to have a joke. Remember those little posters that used to get in the mail that were like dry cleaning coupons and they were like blue font and it would be a picture of a missing child. What? Do you remember these Noah? No. So you would get like,

sometimes they were inserts in like the coupon uh you know newspaper selection thing you get and it would be like a white card and it would say have you seen me on it and then on the back it would be like coupons but it would be like awareness for missing children oh and it would say have you seen me and it would have a picture of a child and it was like i don't like have you seen me i was like no i haven't seen you i haven't been like you know draining lakes anytime soon i haven't been going through your uncle's crawl space i haven't seen you like you know just making a joke of like this child's dead i do feel like why you if you're alive you have a printing press of some sort i feel like it's a marketing ploy to

be like you're gonna die soon you might not have clean clothes like do your laundry no i think it's actually trying to do good and trying to find missing children. But you know, companies use the fear. Fear makes you buy more. Yeah, but I don't think fear of your child becoming missing can make you go get dry cleaning anytime soon. You haven't read the dry cleaning book. So here's the thing.

Thank you for not feeding us bread, says the Ducks. Bread makes our tummies hurt and makes us ill. Bread does not contain the right nutrition or calories that we need to survive. It makes us think we are full and that we don't eat the food we need. It also pollutes our water and causes nasty surface algae, which kills our fish friends and gives us diseases. What should we eat? Half-cut seedless grapes, chopped lettuce, bird seed, peas, corn, and oats.

I'm a duck. No, I just added that. Yeah, I felt like you could have, I feel like you could have wrote that. Like, it's for a human. It's like, you know. So, that's just good to know. I used to always feed ducks bread

when I was in the park. It's just like a commonly known thing. Little did I know it was not a good thing to do, but I will say, one of the most satisfying sounds in the world that I should have maybe answered for that Reddit is the sound of a piece of bread hitting a duck's back and going like on its feathery, like layered feather back.

Me and Kirsten used to be like, oh, it's so satisfying to hear. Like a piece of bread, like a heavy piece of bread. Don't like hurt the duck, but like, you know, we wouldn't try to. I mean, eventually we tried to just throw it on its back because it would be funny to see all the ducks like try to go for the duck. But like if you do ever just throw one piece of bread. Well, no, half a grape, half a grape. A half a grape would sound good on a duck's back. Yeah.

So throw seedless grapes or chopped lettuce, bird seed, peas, corn, and oats. That's expensive. Bread's cheaper. Or insurance policies. Affleck. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast today.

We will be here tomorrow. Andrew and I will not be kuh. We hope you're not going to be kuh. Gonna be kuh. And we hope we'll be here tomorrow and then I don't have to put up any roadside bicycles or- Or a white golf club.

I'm going to put up a white mirror in my living room to pay homage to the one that used to be there. Don't go out there. I know. I'm scared. As long as you didn't hurt our Roomba. Thank you so much for listening. See you tomorrow. Don't be cut.

And bye. Bye. John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app,

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