The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #92 Speeding in a Manatee Zone

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Between you and Nikki she had to blur her eyes again but she couldn't do it hard enough. Andrew is visiting his family and seems to have rabies on the brain. You Heard It Here First, how to cover up peeing in the shower, coffee burns, waking up early and a sports story about dating with a disability. Fanthrax mail is exactly what Nikki and Andrew want to hear and in the Final Thought, Nikki wonders if rising to fame in the 90's could have been less toxic than now. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show, everyone. It's the, you know, fourth show of the week. Thursday, we're going to be back on Monday. Always a that um thankfully at the the culmination of it was really uh good um for a while there I wasn't going to sleep because I was like I don't want to wake up in the mood that I'm feeling right now. Do you ever do that where it's like, you don't, you don't want to go to bed angry, even at yourself or the

world. And you're like, let me try to get to a place where I would I open my eyes. I'm not revisited by these feelings I'm feeling now. So I woke up feeling a lot better. And yeah, you know, I say that with quotes around it because I woke up and, you know, my morning routine is always go out to the kitchen, throw in some oatmeal, then walk the dog, go to Starbucks, pick up my mobile, order it in the elevator, pick it up, let the dog poop, walk back, eat the oatmeal, make another one, ask Noah if I can have 20 more minutes. So because I can do my makeup and put on a clean shirt and present myself and then and then step in here and do this. But today, I went to Starbucks and grabbed my drink and um and oh my god I like there's like a tip thing on the counter and I and I go there every day and you know I from reading the Starbucks subreddit I just know those people work really hard and get a lot of gruff is that the word for

you know from customers who feel entitled because they're paying seven dollars for a drink sometimes and honestly they should be a little bit entitled that's a lot for coffee milk and sugar but um I went in my I had cash on me in my little fanny pack and I was like oh I'll throw in a tip and did I wait for them to kind of maybe be in my eyeline when I did it? You know I did. Because when you throw in a tip, it shouldn't be about getting the credit for it. But if we all kind of look inside ourselves, giving an anonymous donation is probably the most selfless thing you can do. And whenever someone does it, I'm always like, wow. Someone anonymously donated $50 million to, you know, Garrett and Casey's GoFundMe.

No. What a noble thing. But no, I definitely like waited. And you never, they never see you. You know, they never see you you I threw in a fiver which because I'm a I'm a fucking hero you guys know that but um I I threw in um a like you know 80 percent of the I tipped 80 percent my drink is like usually $6.47 or something. I mean it's ridiculous that I spend, oh my god, $13 a day on Starbucks times 30. I don't want to do the math.

Let's not do the math. Don't write me the math. I wish I could men in black blinky thing all of my math lessons. I mean I essentially have. I rely on a calculator a lot of times. Although I was impressed yesterday at my calculations for Andrew's 10,000 hours. I was listening to that podcast and I go, wow, I don't even, I can't even follow what you were doing in that moment. I tapped into something that I didn't even know

I was capable of. But then I throw in the tip and I leave and come back here, get ready, do my thing. And then I start to have a headache, like a little bit of a headache. I take some Excedrin, and I'm like, oh, what is going on? And I go, let me get my coffee, and I cannot find it. And I'm, you know, ADD. I set things down in weird places. So I go, and I check the dryer and the washing machine. And, no, I check everywhere I've been that morning, like my closet,

the guest bathroom and I'm like where did I set that freaking drink and I I picked it up from the mobile stand walked one step dug in my purse for a fiver and then didn't pick it back up and walked out without my coffee like these are that I'm and um that, um, that was just like, it was just, I mean, I know that's an example, but I didn't realize it until I got home. And like every, that to me is, that's because I didn't sleep last night. I'm going to attribute it to that. I also haven't taken, um, my ADD meds today because, um, I don't know know I think I'm gonna try to get off them or something oh it's uh my I'm at the end of my prescription and um read some things last night from people who have opinions about me who you know like to type and really love to wax poetic about what they think is going on with me psychologically and seem to want to

diagnose me and said some cruel things about like how I've been and like well she mentioned she's on ADD meds so maybe it's that or maybe she's on cocaine or maybe she's using drug like all these things that were really upsetting to read and I don't usually read comments and I've unsubscribed from like my subreddit and stuff like that to protect myself but last night I was um I had to go check something uh in a place where people do comment about me and I went in and I kind of blurred my eyes so I didn't see anything I didn't want to see but of course to search for the thing you want you have to read through the stuff that you don't want. And then I go, what is this? And then I clicked on it and it was just a lot of, you know, the same kind of thing that I was going off about the other day. Like if you're someone who comments on celebrities and I'm not saying that I'm just people you don't know personally, just don't.

Or if you're really actually concerned about them there's ways to reach out like you can always dm me on my instagram that's a way to reach out you can write a voice memo into the show or like not write one that'd be weird if you just voice memoed yourself scribbling on a paper maybe we would use it and I would turn it into an ASMR video. And I would say, even from these pencil scribblings, I can hear that this person thinks I'm doing drugs. And you know, I've done it before too, where I go, what is, something's changed about this lady or this guy. Oh my God, they look this way. Like I've, I've zoomed in on Daily Mail photos, paparazzi, invasive shots of celebrities and made assumptions and had little like, you know, thoughts to myself about what's going on with them, projecting my BS all over them and maybe not even projecting.

Maybe I'm genuinely concerned or, you know, although I will have to say anytime I go, she has an eating disorder. I mean, that's like that was me projecting so much. But I can see it a mile away, folks. I can see it a mile away. And I'm not going to name names. I honestly can't even think of someone. I mean, everyone? Can I just say everyone has one?

You know I think that anyway. But I'm not going to get into specifics. And I don't want to like go off about it. And then this feels very like self-serving anyway. But I'm just kind of just dealing with those feelings and I'm struggling with, you know, saying things about my I'm having I'm having a little struggle here on the show today and in general in life of the ways I expose myself and the things that I talk about on this show or on stage. It's interesting because, and I've talked about this before, so many things that I admit on here and things that I cop to and words that I use. Remember when I did the whole thing about someone writing about me that I was spiraling and I go I gave you that word I gave you all the evidence that you cited

that you you acted like some kind of like sleuth that you noticed um you're people are still doing this where I read these things of Nikki's on drugs what's going on with her she's changed I've been a fan since this long and now she acts this way and she said she was on ADD meds and I'm thinking that someone needs to intervene and take those away from her. And I think I've given you all of that. I think anything that you may have said about me in these things and boy, you said a lot. Like, there's, there's a lot, you know, I thought I was avoiding comments that you guys, not you particular, like, there's so many of you, I want to say shout out to everyone in these kind of places that I think you know that there are chances I'll see it.

Or maybe you don't, maybe you're like like openly maybe you're openly defending me thinking that I won't see it regardless like I did see a lot of people come to my defense with people that were trying to um you know just if you're if you want to walk away from being a fan of me and you aren't really concerned about me and you're not like actually um I don't know what people want from writing this stuff as what I'm saying like I understand commenting about oh we're worried about her but like do you is it because you think it's gonna get to me and that's your way of telling me you're worried because it did get to me and it um if anything it made me so much worse than I was feeling before so I don't know what these people's mission are I think their lives are probably unhappy because I know that when I like to criticize and really dig into someone that I don't know and even someone I do know

that it's generally because I'm struggling inside about something. So maybe before you go onto a message board or tweet a mean thing, like do a journal entry about why you want to do it before. Like that's what I do sometimes when, you know, with my food addiction stuff. Like for me, I used to like binge to the point where I'd make myself sick. And now I have like little roadblocks in place so that that doesn't happen. So let's say yesterday, in fact, I was feeling a lot of feelings even before,

like honestly, the stuff I read yesterday made me angry. I was literate. And I've never felt that way of like, I wish I couldn't read. I wish that I could blind. I wanted to be like King Lear and stab my eyes out because of the stuff I read about myself that was like truly like the worst things you

think about yourself. Like people have written like, and written well, by the way, I have very articulate educated uh ex-fans um but you know just put a thing in in place where you go you stop yourself so yesterday I was like really wanting to binge because I was feeling a lot of feelings and I was nervous about something and I wanted a like I think I was like on like a third bowl of oatmeal or something like that. And before I reached for the fourth, because I'm scraping the bottom of the third, we've all been there where we're just, like, I can't get enough of this thing. I want more. And you, like, already have it in your mind that you're going to reach for the box of cereal, whatever is the thing that you're going to, like, let's just finish it off. I go, let me just pause and call a friend and, like, talk about my feelings and then when I'm done with that call if I still

am hungry for that fourth bowl of oatmeal um you can have it but let's just like have a little bit of a pause so maybe before you write these things take a pause but um to everyone who went in there and actually like really beautifully uh came to my defense and you weren't even mean to the people you were like, understanding of what they said. And like, then you just, it felt really loving. And I called a friend about it. And they were like, focus on the good focus on the people that love you and don't focus on the hate. And I go, it's really hard when the hate isn't just like one little tweet, but a 1200 word essay. And, you know, accusing me of all the things that I fear about myself and all those things. And I honestly, you know, part of him is like, I just want to stop doing that. You know, I went through all

those range of emotions of like, I want to quit. Like, I don't need this. Like I, this, I initially, obviously I, and I even, I don't even want to say the things I'm about to say now. I'm like, I'm, I'm kind of tiptoeing through this because I don't want to give people more, um, what's it called? Ammunition to, to use it against me. You know, it, it honestly feels like some of the things I say on this podcast are like I'm being so intimate that it's like someone when you know when someone you love uses a thing that you told them really vulnerably when it was a good moment and then they use that back and they go well maybe um you know they throw it in your face in a in an angry moment and you go whoa oh my god like I never I don't want, I don't trust you anymore.

So that's kind of how I feel. But I will say that I really appreciate the people who love me. I hear the people who hate me. Unfortunately, I did read it and it was terrible and I'm not taking my ADD meds today because I'm just maybe they're right but I do want to say like I was had suicidal thoughts like plaguing me last year last summer you can go back and listen to you up episodes of my podcast and hear how depressed I was last summer and getting diagnosed with ADHD and getting medicated for that in a really cautious way and being so overly like, are you sure that I need these? I please, I want you to know that I'm not tricking you into giving me these. I'm not trying to finagle ADD meds. I had so much shame about it. And the doctor's like, you didn't trick me. I'm a doctor.

And like, you know, you went and got a test. You didn't just go to the doctor and say like, hey, I have ADD. Like I brought in documents that were done for me doing rigorous hours long tests to test my attention and stuff. So I didn't take them today because I just, you won. You won, trolls or people that have faux concern for me. You got me to deviate from a professional doctor's plan for me and give it a whirl and see if you're right like maybe I don't need to be on that stuff and um but I do want to say that those are the only things that have worked to to not make me have suicidal thoughts so I'm not gonna say like look what you made me do or anything like that I'm just saying like it's it's it's hard for me it made me cry last night because I'm like

I've never felt better and like more healthy. And I haven't been plagued by those thoughts ever since I started taking those meds yet. I'm reading, I'm not joking chapters of different people writing in saying that I, they think I'm on drugs and like that it's turned me into a, you know, a tangential, rambling, narcissistic moron, essentially. And not moron. No one said that. That's that's my own wording. But, you know, that's a really tough place to be, because if it were about me using a drug that I thought I was already shameful about and like you know I would go okay this is the bottom I need to like quit but it's something that was prescribed to make me feel better so it's like really it's hard and I don't mean to get like emotional I wanted this to be light and and um you know I'm just having a lot of feelings

today but I I promise you that I did go to bed feeling really good and like focused on the love and I really appreciate um everyone who um who sent that love and like it really I'm so sorry I'm crying I'm so so embarrassed. It's so stupid. I did not even want to talk about this. But you know, like, when you do a podcast every day, which, you know, was my own doing, and I asked for this because I think I'm special enough to talk into a microphone and have you guys listen every day. And so I brought this on myself. Sometimes things come up like this.

And sorry to be crying I'm probably about to start my period even though I get it every two fucking weeks now so it's due in like now um so it's probably that but also you know I I hate to blame my period because what your period does is just like kind of put down your defenses like the feelings are real but that you just don't have as many defenses and so I'm not so much of a clenched fist today as like an open palm that's slapping me in the face. But thank you to everyone who still enjoys me and believes in me and understands I'm flawed and I'm not always going to get it right.

And I'm going to sometimes say things I regret. And please, please, please, I want to keep on sharing and being as vulnerable with you as possible. Please don't use it against me. And please just take a breather before you write something mean about me and just know that like you could be putting something out there that really makes someone stay up till 5 a.m and then forget their coffee at Starbucks the next day and have to delay the podcast even more let's get Andrew in here Andrew catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment

to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused.

I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen.

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I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions?

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is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How-To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress.

How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Andrew. Hey. Hey, man in white. I like your outfit. Oh, thanks. it's very sporty sporty spice yeah it looks cool you're in um where are you again i have no idea yeah i'm

in greenwich connecticut first time no idea uh first time bringing a girl girl home to meet the nephews. Yeah. Oh, to the nephews. I like that the nephews are like, so what are your intentions with our uncle? And they're like three and five. Honestly, these kids are so much smarter than I was at their age. I mean, it's wild. I don't know why.

Actually, Sid was chewing on things that he shouldn't have. So he's right where you are. Yeah, he was where I was at 14, and he's two. I mean, I think you were chewing on something. Like, you chew on plastic stuff, so maybe, like, he's actually very advanced

in his colon genetic predisposition to chew things he's he's he's he skipped a couple grade levels yeah yeah he's up he's up to starbucks stoppers and you started on those when in eighth grade honestly i'm jealous because he has a space in between every tooth wait wait you like those spaces so you can put things in them? You like those? Oh, you can put other teeth in there. Oh, my God. Wait, so how did they receive your lady?

I mean, it hasn't been fully received. We literally just got here. You left at like 5 a.m.? Yeah, I left really early. 6 a.m. flight. So I got here like an hour ago. Oh, my God. Did you have a connection?

No, no connection. With Brenna? When you guys saw each other? We'll see. We'll see. She played by ear. We got a room, though. I got a bed. it's the first time i've ever gotten a bed it's like your joke i know it really is the couples always get the rooms and you get the the shed yeah i honestly feel like couples have you ever been on a trip and you've

been a single person and the couple, you don't even know them? They're not even family and they get to bed just because there's two of them and no one knows them. I don't know that I've ever been in that situation on a family trip. Yeah, I don't know. No, but I don't think so. I think you're right. I would assume that, like, yeah, they're not going to put couples out in the canoe or, like, on an air mattress because they might be banging, you know? I know, but it's like I'm your brother. Where do you usually stay in Connecticut?

Don't you have, like, eight bedrooms there? It's their rental house, so it's not. Oh. It's only four bedrooms, and two of them are made into other things. Oh, no, no. It's a, you know, the other words are. So where do you usually sleep when you're there, when you're a single man? They usually put me under the water in the pool without a scuba gear and just see if I could drown each night.

But no, usually I'm on an air mattress. In the pool? In the pool. So who is now relegated to the air mattress instead of you what single piece of shit is on that thing now uh that's a good question i mean like who's not getting a room because you have the room probably the lawn man no the dogs always had a bed. I remember my brother one time asked me if I was sleeping on his bed while they were gone. And he thought I was too dirty for the bed.

And the dog slept on the bed every night. Wow. And this dog had a wetter mouth than me. I mean, probably because it was brushing his teeth a little bit more well he was foaming at the mouth because he had some colgate in there not because of rabies when you if you ever get bit by a rabid raccoon and start foaming at the mouth i'm gonna be like andrew are you brushing your teeth or do are you going to die do you know that if you get rabies you 100 if you get bit by a rabid animal, there's no cure?

You just die? Did you know that? Dude, I'll give rabies to the rabid dog. Whatever I have will kill the dog more, probably. That's a true story, though. If you get bit by a rabid animal and get rabies, there's no cure for it, and a hundred percent of the time will die it's like there's gotta be a cure for this american life episode what there's no like a vaccine for rabies you just get you're done you're done i learned that from this american life episode um and i

maybe have to fact check that but i i'm i think i'm a i i would almost bet your life on it. I mean, first of all, that's nothing. Wait, I'm confused because plenty of people have had to been, Noah, can we look this up? I can't believe this. I want to look it up. Nikki's right. It's very seldom that someone survives from it.

I think it's almost zero chance. Rabies morbidity rate is what I'm typing in. And it says the mortality rate from rabies is estimated at, oh, well, that's just people like how many? One in a million or one in a thousand. What is the morbidity? Wait, no, that's not it. Yeah, what did you find, Noah? Once a rabies infection is established, there's no effective treatment.

Though a small number of people have survived rabies, the disease usually causes death. For that reason, if you think you've gotten exposed to rabies, you must get a series of shots to prevent the infection from taking hold. Oh, so once the infection takes hold, you're gone. Oh my God. But you have a little bit of a window before yeah damn i i know i thought it was just like you get a shot and you're good yeah i literally thought you just put some freaking rubbing alcohol on it yeah i really yeah put some of that scope that i should put in my mouth on it no you should start doing your makeup the way you want it for your open casket

that's what you should do you have a small window to get your you should call your lawyer and get your you know will taken care of um i'll tell you though for like a minute there you look pretty cool as a rabid human you know what i mean yeah i mean it's gotta be pretty cool for about 10 minutes but yeah i mean i wonder if you like if you're a rabid human if you try to bite people like that's how rabies spreads is it makes animals like crazy so that it will like spread it you know what i mean so i wonder if you like go on all fours and i'm like biting people and like i don't know weird something that doesn't kill a dog that only lives 10 of our lives kills us it's just weird diseases are weird man i think too babe oh i think it's the same rule um but uh listen what doesn't kill you makes you foam at the mouth and then have you ever seen a casket, an open casket? Oh, dude.

Yes. Have you? Oh, yeah. It's intense. Yeah. It's it's so weird. They look so they look like Madame Tussauds. Oh, my God.

I saw my grandpa. They're going to sit up and open their eyes and be like, gotcha. Mine did. Mine did. What? Yeah. He came along. He goes, don't touch your trust fund until you're 30.

And I was like, no, I'll spend it all at 22, Grandpa. On, you know, bottle service. Yeah, and strippers. Strippers who I think might like me more than they do. Did you ever get strippered and think, like, a stripper was into you might like me more than they do. Did you ever get strippered and think a stripper was into you more than she usually would be? You had a connection with her. Guys, that happens all the time.

Every time I went to a strip club. Every time. I thought the bouncer wanted to marry me. Well, I do think that that does happen sometimes. Like, strippers aren't like these cold, like, just money-grubbing, like, there's no connection that they have with their clientele. Like, waitresses fall in love with their, like, you know, people dining at restaurants sometimes.

There's got to be people that do actually get through and actually have, you know, made a real connection with a stripper. I went on a date with a stripper when I got arrested for speeding on a jet ski. And you met her at a strip club? Yeah, I met her at a strip club. I got her number. I took her out the next week. I was dropping her off.

And she didn't speak English, right? No English. None. Nunca. Never. How did you ask her out then? I said, I don't know. I probably asked her. I go to dinner and she goes.

She knew very little English. Yeah. We met in the middle of her knowing five words and me knowing ten. We were both biting things most of the night because of rabies. Glad you survived. I'm glad you lived a small life.

I took her out to dinner, and we had a nice nodding to each other. We were both enjoying ourselves. Nodding hill. I was dropping her off. I'm just a guy standing in front of a stripper asking her to get a Spanish to English dictionary. So I can ask you to suck my dick later. Mama la pinga. You understand it.

Mama la pinga means suck my dick in Spanish. Really? Yeah. Por favor. Oh my God. Why do Really? Yeah. Por favor. Oh, my God. Why do you know that? Anyhow. So I.

Is Bruna in the room? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. She's in the back. She's in the cage. Wait. What was I saying? Oh, so when I was dropping off, she kept going, you're so nice.

You're so nice. That's all she could say, you're so nice. You're so nice. That's all she could say. You're so nice. And the cop rolled up because we were in a shitty party area. And he freaking flashes lights. And he goes, step out of the car. And she looks at me like I'm not nice. And I freaking tell the cop.

The cop goes, you have a warrant out for your arrest for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone. And he goes, you have a warrant. for your arrest for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone and I and he goes you have a warrant you got to go to jail I'm so glad she didn't know English at that point well that's the thing I told him that's a combination of words that you wouldn't find in an English textbook yeah those aren't the first words you're learning Andrew got arrested for

speeding in a manatee zone he has a brother named James he likes to skateboard okay so so she goes you're so nice and did she tell the cop that and did he go you know what he is ma'am except well no so the cop's name was like fernando or something so i guess i racially profiled him and thought he spoke spanish which i was right but whatever he told her she threw the car keys and ran away because i think she was afraid of getting deported because she's from columbia um i and it's either that or she really liked

manatees and and was upset about my behavior that would have been me i would have been like you sped in a manatee zone you know that you're shop is there a blade on a jet ski though i guess you can just ram into it there's no propeller but they're so slow that they might not get out of the way soon enough and you're like the bottom of your boat could just hit them which you get a pretty cool jump off of there for sure um yeah and so i go to jail the guy took me to jail and i'm talking to the cop and he and he's apologizing to me i swear to god he's like i'm sorry you got to go to jail for this this is it was an 80 fine he knew you were gonna get your your pinka yeah my aguard and uh and by her punta uh so um

so i end up i end up going to jail and i'm in jail with two fucking like badass dudes and they're talking about why they're in there and i told them i was in there for speed on a jet ski and i literally thought they were gonna like beat the shit out of me and then the guy just asked me if it was a yamaha or a kalisaki and i was like it was a yamaha and he's like he's like yeah that's a good ski. That's a good ski. And I knew we bonded over. Kawasaki would have maybe been too exotic or too foreign for him. I don't know. And then I got out of jail and I went back to the strip club to apologize

and for her to take me back. I swear. She wanted nothing to do with me. she wanted nothing to do with me did she do a pull a sephora and act like you didn't that you were invisible or kind of kind of because she was dancing and i went up there with dollars so she would talk to me did you you say you donated to Greenpeace in her honor? I mean, maybe she really was an animal rights activist. But I'm guessing, yeah, she just didn't understand what you were being pulled over for.

And I mean, she obviously was with you because you're so nice. And then obviously, if the cops are arresting you, you're not so nice. Not so nice. And I'm not saying that as like, I'm not trying to do an impression of someone who is an immigrant i'm just saying that you know how people that don't speak language as their first language talk sometimes uh that wasn't me being racist i hope that uh you don't interpret it that way no problem cancel me um all right let's get to the news. Yeah. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man.

I hope you're having all this well. Yeah, happy Tuesday, everyone. Yeah, I was going to say, thank God it's Wednesday. I hope you're having all this well. Having a great time out there. And yeah, that's pretty much it. First story. and uh yeah that's pretty much it first story um a tiktok doctor warns not to pee in the shower because you're creating an association in the brain between the sound of running water

and having to pee and it could possibly cause leak issues you know um this guy ain't wrong um i don't think it's maybe the the feeling of being bathed in warm water makes me now have to pee and sometimes i would get into a shower with a guy and i would like it's one of the first things i want to do is pee in the shower it's like the first thing i do in the shower if i have to pee like i'd be in the shower probably every time you know the way that you brush your teeth every time you're in the shower not every time well that concerns me because before you told us it's the only time you brush no i know but now i realize so i'm really hoping that every time you brush your teeth in the shower at least

now i dude have you ever used my shower did i brush with your piss i pee in the shower every single time and um and now it's actually good because my water will run like the spray tan will usually come off so the water already looks like it has piss in it so if I happen to be in there with a guy I can just say that the water is my spray tan and not my piss but it is my piss but there's been times where like I had to stop my peed stream when I was like intimately in the shower with a person because you know even recently I was showering off after sex and or like you know hook a hook up or something and uh and I I he was like in the bathroom and I was like god I need him to leave so I can pee in the shower because

he might pull back the curtain and like look and then I'm like no one wants to see a girl pissing standing up. Is he talking about your pussy? Huh? No, pull back the curtain. I mean, he would have seen that too. Pull back all the curtains. All the curtains. The shower curtain. And then there's a glass door actually on my pussy.

I don't have a curtain there. You really? You think I've got a double plastic down there? With just the map of the MTA subway? Oh, yeah. I used to have a map of the world in my old... It was for my geography lesson because I don't know anything about geography. Andrew, though, wait a second. So is it...

Like, I love... Noah, do you pee in the shower? I pee in the shower, by the way, all the time. I think it's different for women. And I don't mean to take this from you. I'm glad that you do, too, Andrew. But like women never get a chance to pee standing up. And there's something about it like you.

It's really interesting because if you have enough of a stream going and it's urgent enough, you can you can pee in a way that it's not going to dribble down your legs like it usually does when you pee like on a camping trip or something you know i'm saying no like there's sometimes i go i could just be standing up and like probably i would maybe i would maybe miss the bowl most of the time but like there's sometimes i'm like oh my god it would feel free to do this i used to have a joke that that I was at a concert or I was at like a music festival and I was so jealous of guys that just got to like, I had to wait in line for the porta potty when I had to go to the bathroom and guys could just like walk off into like the wooded

area and just go. And it's so much easier. And it's like I had to like wait in line and ditch this dirty door. And so one time I was just like, I'm going to just go standing up. And it was awful because I got poop all down my leg. You know, a little switcheroonie at the end there. So wait a second. Yeah, would it be disturbing

if you caught Brenna peeing standing up? Like would that, that would be, I think some guys are into pee. I think it would turn me on. I did pee in the shower with an ex before, and I got caught because it smelled. Oh, right. That's the problem.

If it's a non-smelling piss, I don't think anyone cares. And then if you eat vitamins, it really glows. So that could get you in trouble. B12 will really fuck up your piss and i mean give it away you're like um yeah i'm actually jaundice and it's i'm doing this new spray jaundice well the problem is i piss in the bathtub and then it turns purple i did i ever tell you about the time i was at the view i think i've told the story before show the view yeah yeah no on the view i got to be on the view for the first time in my life Did I ever tell you about the time I was at The View? I think I've told this story before. The show, The View?

Yeah, yeah. No? I was on The View. I got to be on The View for the first time in my life. I didn't know this. You didn't know it? Noah, I think maybe this was before you as well. I got to be on The View, and I was a real ledgehead on The View.

I wanted a good one, you know what I'm saying? So I was sitting on the edge of the table. Wanted a good view. Oh, yeah. Way up there. Cool joke. Look down. So I was – what did you just say?

Look down. Look down. It's high up there. Well, Barbara Watson used to say, take a little time to enjoy the view. Like that used to be the thing that would go into it. And I was doing a Sherry O'Terry impression of Barbara impression. But I got invited to do The View, which they would always bring in like guest comedians. A lot of my friends had done it and I was like so excited.

On my episode, it was Rosie O'Donnell. That's when she was on still. It was – God, she's a – Hasselbeck? No, Hasselbeck wasn't there. And Whoopi would have been there, but she was just not in that day. I think not even Joy Behar was there.

It was Nicole something. Nicole, she's a news anchor. She was on The View regularly. Nicole Wilson or something. She's kind of like a moderate news anchor. She does both sides. She's really smart, really cool.

Love her. And then one other person who I forget. And then, no, just look up Nikki Glaser, the view and see who was on the table with me that day. And then, Oh my God,

I can't believe I'm going to tell this story because I don't want to drum up any like controversy, but Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child was also there um and before the show we were all you go you go and you get hair and makeup and then you go in a room with all the girls from the view and all the producers and you sit and you like people are eating breakfast and like you talk about the topics the hot topics of the day and like what the what the rundown of the show it's really fun actually like everyone's just kind of like joking around and you know Rosie O'Donnell is someone that I like loved worshipped growing up like the Rosie O'Donnell show was so fun it like I just

loved loved that show was the first time I was like in love with like an adult kind of show or at least at that time it was like something moms watched and I was like a kid that just like couldn't get enough of that show and the koosh balls that she would throw out and the crush she had on Tom Cruise that was really kind of not real we come to find out this before she came out um so I'm backstage and Rosie O'Donnell is like we're hitting it off and she's showing me and Michelle Williams is just kind of cold to me and that's like she doesn't need to be nice to me she's maybe doing her own thing i'm not even trying to get her to like me or whatever and like it's whatever and um and i'm a destiny child fan like i was like oh my god michelle

williams even though in the song survivor she has one of the weirdest solos ever that really takes you out of the song but i'm only saying that because of what happened between her and i so i'm backstage rosie donald's showing me these like she's like oh i gave the kids a bath last night her kids and she's showing me that these dyes that you can throw in the bath that like turn the bath water purple or blue and like make bath time fun she's like isn't that fun and i go oh my gosh we had that when i was a kid except like mine was just like like yellow every time and it was just honestly i just peed in the bath i was just making a joke right yeah which is funny i guess like no it's funny i wasn't like

trying out material for the show there was no intent just except to make people like laugh in the room and michelle williams looks up and goes ew and then shakes her head and looks back down at her stuff makes it so weird like takes me literally i guess and i was like oh i'm just joking doesn't look up and go oh you know just she took the piss out of it face looks back down her notes and like i'm dead to her like she i'm enemy number one to her after this and i'm just like oh that was uncomfortable and i'm like a guest on the show she's been there a ton like you know it was just unfriendly and i was just like i don't maybe maybe that really triggered her in a way i don't know so then we go out and this is the show that was after, it was the day after the Grammys,

some, probably 2014 Grammys. And at the Grammys, Prince came out unexpectedly, did a surprise thing. We were talking about, oh my God, Prince came out and surprised everyone. And I was like, you know what's really cool about that? The way the celebrities in the audience reacted to Prince coming out they looked like you know they were you genuinely saw these like celebrities that are usually so jaded and like I'm so cool they were freaking out it was really cool to see you know uh I don't know who I referenced who's like like it was cool to see Lady Gaga look like a Backstreet Boy fan, like a Beatles mania.

It was cool to see. I think I compared a celebrity to a Backstreet Boys fan from 1998, one of these girls that are crying in the front row, being like, AJ! Well, no one cried about AJ. They cried for other reasons. Yeah, so all I said was

it was cool to see celebrities looking like Backstreet, like see celebrities looking like backstreet, like freaking out and looking like backstreet boy fans. And Michelle Williams go, well, what would you have done? And I was like, oh, no, I'm saying it was cool.

And she was like, if you were one of them, how would you have reacted? Are you like almost mad at me? What? It was so wild. It made me... And I was like trying to...

I wasn't like combative with her. I was just like, oh no, I was just joking. I was just saying like... Did she not understand sarcasm? You know what I said? I go, I would have done the same thing. No, she... It wasn't even sarcasm what I was saying. I was being sincere. Like, it was cool to see them actually have a real human

reaction and not be too cool for school and she goes well what would you have done how would you have reacted and I was like oh my god I would have done the same thing which is actually not true because I'm not a Prince fan and I don't really care um and but I was just you know like if someone came out impressive of course I would act that way I'm like a huge fan of celebrities. And it was so crazy. It like made me just like shut down. I was like, okay. And then later on in the show, I said another thing that made everyone feel

that no one laughed except Rosie O'Donnell laughed so hard next to me. And she goes, I'm sorry. That was fucking funny. And she said fucking, she goes, oh my God. Oh my and she said fucking she goes oh my god oh my god i have she covered about she goes i have never once cussed on tv in my life i have i can't believe i just did that and it was because she came to my defense about a joke that no everyone else goes oh and it wasn't you remember what it was do you remember i don't even remember it was just

you know one of my like styles of jokes that wasn't it was maybe like the the p joke like nothing like yeah terrible but maybe a little bizarre but you know i was very after that michelle shut down i was very i was toeing the line there but um after that i have thought michelle williams is not cool um i don't i i i thought she was mean i don't know what she was going through that day and i i want to do the same thing that what's his name uh jacko willing said the other day and said like i don't i can't assume her life to react that way to me her life must have been harder than mine that day and probably prior to mine and like i don't know what it's like to be the the least talented member of a band.

Well, in fairness, the fourth one got kicked out. That's true. Okay, the second least talented. Yeah, second least talented. Yeah. And to, you know, ruin and have a really weird moment in the song Survivor where she goes, From, from happiness. If I surround myself with positive things, I'll gain prosperity.

It's the weirdest. It's the worst thing I've ever. I always thought that was a really bad part of that song. She goes, I'll gain prosperity. Could you have please given that to Beyonce? Luigi just looked up, and that is a really good impression, by the way. It sounds like that should be at the Declaration of Independence. The prosperity.

Wait, one more time. That ain't it. And you know what? I'm not as good of a singer as her. I never will be. I would probably murder Luigi to even have a tenth of her singing talent, but that wasn't it. Let's get to the next story. Did the line annoy you

before the interview, or did it annoy you more after? It always annoyed me, but now I'm going public about it. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And you know what? It didn't annoy me. It used to actually make me happy because I go, maybe I could be in Destiny's Child. If that made it in, maybe I could do it.

But again, I don't mean to say, like, Michelle Williams might be a lovely person just of having a rough day, and I'm being petty now about it. And that song is a number one Billboard hit, and maybe it is because of that and not despite it. But I would think it was the loader man that's a roller coaster of a sentence okay a woman sues starbucks on that roller coaster i just got fabio'd and hit with a pigeon in the head too so in the end i look like the one with uh pigeon blood on my face. Yeah, but for a while, you were having a great time up there. Oh, yeah. The picture of me right before that, I was like, wow. Really fun.

A woman sues Starbucks after getting first and second degree burns when she spilled coffee on herself as she was returning the wrong order. So she got the wrong order, tried to give it back. It spilled all over her lap. That might have been my order because I always order extra hot. That is true. If you get extra hot and it burns you, that's on you.

Literally. A lot. Yeah. I mean, we all remember the lady from McDonald's. She got a couple million. This lady's going for 75, less than 75,000. Do you know the true the lady from McDonald's. She got a couple million. This lady's going for 75, less than 75,000. Do you know the true story behind the McDonald's one? Yeah, I remember you told me.

I mean, you could recount it better than me guessing. Yeah, it was like this whole phenomenon in the 90s of like, oh, this woman sued McDonald's because she got burnt by her hot coffee. Wah, wah. And what they didn't tell you in a documentary later brought to light was this was an elderly woman who had to have multiple skin grafts and whose skin was melting off of her body because of not second-degree burns, but I think the worst-degree burn. And the coffee was in a lid that wasn't secure and the coffee was so

hot that it was like nearly boiling so she was a hundred percent in the right and everything every monologue joke and late night like it created this whole thing of like she was the poster child of just the um the flippantly litigious person that slips intentionally and then asks for a million dollars. She became like, oh, you got burned and then you got a million dollars?

Fucking, it's your fault. And it wasn't. This poor woman is disabled now because of it. The boy that cried wolf actually got his leg bit off by the wolf and no one is like eh, eh. But this woman didn't do it yes, yeah. The boy who cried wolf is the one

he kept crying wolf and then there was no wolf and then when he did cry wolf she didn't cry. My skin's falling off a bunch of times and then We don't know. But yes. You're right. She still does. We should still feel sad for her. i would say more so than the wolf boy um yeah this uh you know i like a lady that that's like kept pouring coffee on herself she's like not

not hot enough not hot like yeah well i want to i i do think that um think that now that I know that about that McDonald's story, I'm a little bit more apprehensive about judging this woman and thinking that she's just being kind of overreactive. But boy, it's a part of the story that doesn't really look good in her favor is her taking the wrong drink. Just being one of those people that's just like, this is mine. And then being like i did like it you know you just think of her as like a caron she was in a drive-thru though it sounds oh so they gave her the wrong order oh man that i mean being spilling hot coffee on your lap and like getting burned and first and second

degree burn i mean that that sucks and i'm i really sorry for her. But she'll gain prosperity! My buddy Glenn, I think you've met Glenn. We got hot sake shots, and the waiter dropped the sake all over Glenn's bag. We were all dying laughing, but it was just like... And you know when people go, sake bomb. You know, Glenn yelled, sake. But it was because it was burning his skin.

You guys are the cruelest friends, just laughing at each other's misfortunes. Fuck, we were mad. Yeah, that was like $60 sake. It was expensive. Oh, my God. All right, next story. Tim Cook of Apple, who wakes up at 4 a.m. daily, explains why early risers are more productive. They can control the morning better than the evening and through the day. Things happen through the day that blow off.

He has four kids, by the way. So it's like his whole thing is like you could have the whole morning to yourself. Yeah, because the kids wake up at probably 6, 7, and so you get two hours without them. Like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I just think, you know, you could wake up later if you don't ruin your life with kids and a wife. I know. We were talking about that the other night of, like,

how much we get to do because we don't have kids. Like, you were talking about, oh, we were watching White Lotus, and what's his name in the show? This isn't a spoiler, but he's like worried about having ball cancer. And you were like, God, imagine like being worried that you might have a terminal illness while also having to like be a dad and like be upbeat for your kids. And I'm like, that's parenthood is like dealing with your adult shit that you can't put on your kids and having to like be present with them while also dealing with bills. And that's why I don't really want to sign up for it because I need, mommy needs to cry and be depressed sometimes

and nap. And I mean, the other day on a subreddit, there was like, why don't, it was like an ask women. It was like, why don't you want kids? And I just wrote, i value sleep too much and like you and i know that you only sacrifice sleep for like the first you know four years or whatever like the most like that's the worst time i guess yeah you're raising kids where you don't get a

lot of sleep but i would venture to guess those you know four years might age you like a president and really ruin you. Prosperity. Yeah, I want to have a good prosperity. I feel like if we had kids, not me and you, but if we had kids, when they were eight or nine, we'd be like, all right, it's time to take care of us. I would be like, it's your turn to, it's your turn. It's like, I'm a lot of kids do do that. Read the book running on empty and you will see if you relate to any of this of a parent who you go, wow, no, they didn't hide that stuff from me.

Maybe the book running on empty will help you understand. Every day. My dad told me he had ball cancer. Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, the parents in White Lotus are a whole other issue. I mean, that show is in and of itself. Let's take a quick break

and come back with our weekly sports moment. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and In Your Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special

content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radioRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back. This season,

join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf.

Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yin. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated because

no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours

is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, bestselling author, Mel Robbins.

Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. It's time for the Weekly Sports Moment.

Here's Andrew's Weekly Sports Moment. I love that so much. Me too. Girlfriend of U.S. Paralympian born without legs who's been accused of using him for TikTok fame admits he didn't think she was genuine when she took an interest because people aren't nice to him. They're still dating, but a few years ago she reached out to him he's won like two gold medals but he has no legs and they just assume that she's you know taking advantage of him because he's legless if he if but if he won gold medals with legs would people assume that she was like into him only for his gold medals you know like maybe she's into him for

his titanium's too yeah i mean like i you know there's been times i've seen guys with no legs or like one of those blade legs and i'm like that's so hot that they were like they are so confident and able to overcome that thing that like i don't mind i got like guys with disabilities like sometimes are hot because it speaks to their character that they've been through something hard and I'm kind of like I want that not for clout but like I would be I would like to have that I would like to push that wheelchair around because I'd be like proud of my like disabled boyfriend who's like cool and I don't know been through tough shit so is bad? To be attracted to someone because of their thing? No.

It's like being attractive to someone with big ears or whatever. We just put it... No, I feel that way. I'm just kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be caught dead unless they had three gold medals for hearing. Yeah. No, I think you could probably screw anything on a leg. for hearing. Yeah. I, no,

I think it's, I think you could probably screw anything on a leg. The hearing Olympics would be so funny where they have people in a stadium, like, like a track and field stadium, but it's like people stand far away and just whisper things.

And if you can hear what they heard, they take another step back until they can't hear. And then you figure out who has the best hearing. That would be dope, dude. I'd watch that. Or the visuals like you do at the, at the DMV.

Yeah. Like you would be so good when we were golfing the other night, you could see balls go that I didn't, I couldn't see. And maybe you have more of an eye for it because you're used to like hitting balls. So you know how to like follow it and look, but you have Eagle eyes.

I do have Eagle. Like you have eyes of an Eagle. Yes. I have very eagle they're black and small and darty and how dare you they're hazel it's the one good thing about me my hazel eyes are my no legs his no legs behind these hazel eyes here he is once again um okay. So yeah, this is, I guess I care. I don't care. I mean, I do care. I just feel like,

you know, I'm, I'm kind of, uh, I bet, I bet this girl, I bet it's just, I think that this is laced in misogyny of like,

this girl must be using this guy because she actually posts about his affliction and talks about it. And so, and I bet if it were the other way around people would be like he's such a good boyfriend and like because it's her and people are jealous because they want to fuck this like legless joe do you think there's um i mean if you have no legs your dick looks like it hangs low compared to having legs you know what i mean oh that's interesting like you invested so much in a penis pump in college and you maybe tried those extends pills i could have just cut my legs off

yeah yeah we could have just gotten you um like you could have just gone swimming in a manatee zone and and waited for someone to come by in the speedboat he's so nice okay let's get to our uh weekly segment um fanthrax i'm just picturing a manatee driving that boat that's fun thank you avi calloway uh for that soundbite. Let's get to our fan mail. All right. Do you want a written message or a voicemail first? Let's do voice. Okay.

So this one comes from Justine. Hi, NoJookie. It's Justine in Michigan. I've been listening to you since day one. I love you guys so much. Just finished your podcast where you talk about all your superstitions. We are the same person. Really?

I will throw something into a basket. And right before I throw it, I'll say, like, if you miss this, you're never going to get married or something absolutely insane. And I can't not give myself some sort of psycho ultimatum when I do that. I don't not give myself some sort of cycle ultimatum when I do that. I don't know why. I'll even do, if I see a penny that's heads up, I have to pick it up or else I won't have good luck. But then I feel bad if people see me picking up a penny and they think, like, I need money. And, like, I want to make sure other people that actually need the penny get the penny. So I feel guilty and then I get into an overthink cycle.

But my biggest thing is at my parents' house, the steps that go to the basement, I have to count them every single time I go up or down them. There are 14 steps and I can count them one by one or I can count them by twos. I have never not counted them and I am terrified of what I would even think if I didn't count them one day.

So anyways, we are the same. Love you so much. Also, thank you for the protein bar recommendations. Got them 24 hours later and they are bomb. So good. Yes. Love you guys.

Bye. Oh, thank you, Justine. And that's interesting. The counting the stairs, because you're always going to get the, the number that it is,

you know, like I wonder what that was developed for like i wonder the first time she did that being like i wonder how many stairs and then it was like if you don't do that tomorrow yeah and why asked to prom yeah why those stairs too like i think about that like why is it i'm sure there's a psychologist i can answer this probably because you're scared going up the stairs because whenever i would run up the stairs in the basement i'd be like oh it's like oh yeah and maybe like that has something to do with it like it's gonna get you if you don't count them um I love these I love people writing them with their superstitions

that that penny thing reminded me of the Schumer joke that I used to love and she was like you know I was teased by anti-semitics in um in school that would like, for being Jewish, they would like throw pennies at me. And I was just like, this is awesome. Oh my God. She's just like, like picking up being like, yes.

I just, her, the turnaround on that joke, I think she did it on her first half hour is just, that's brilliant comedic timing of like, she kind of looks like sad. She's like, this is all like the,

it's just so, I always loved that joke so much um make it a quarter do you have any superstitions andrew uh i throw pennies at all my jewish friends uh no i um i'm trying to think if i have any superstitions nothing that i remember i i used to listen to like the same song before football games. And it wasn't even a pumped up song. What song was it? Les Mis? I dreamed a dream of time gone by.

He'll throw me a pass in the end zone. Yeah, that makes sense. It was The River by Garth Brooks, which is like, I think about love. Like, you know your dream is just a river, ever changing as it flows. And a dream is just a vessel, and his body must go. I don't know that song, but now I don't want to. No, you shouldn't.

Unless you really should. Listen, that reminded me of one of my favorite bridges of a 1999 hit. Prosperity! All right, let's get to the written Franthrax. All right, this is a life hack on behalf of at Aaron Riggles. Oven pizza lifehack. When I put a pizza in the oven, I save the box and flatten it out to use that to get the pizza off the rack. You know it is going to be the exact right size and you don't have to worry about any dishes. I got to ask Aaron, does the pizza box burn?

I said this to Andrew the other night because I think I saw. I don't think you listened to it right, though. He didn't cook it with the box in there. He uses the box to just take the pizza out. But how do you, but you would have even, you had a plate too. You know what I mean? Yeah, he'll slide. He flattens the box.

It wouldn't have saved your problem it could have because i would have got the whole circumference of the pizza at the same time as opposed to the spatula you wanted me to cook the pizza with the box in there and i was afraid i was going to burn the house on fire no someone actually sent that suggestion too and i don't I don't think it – I still maintain that the box would not be burnt and that it would be okay. All right. Do we have anything else before we get to final thought? Yes. Let's get to Mary, a voicemail from Mary.

I think it's very fitting. Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. I just wanted to send this message mainly to Nikki, but I've been listening for the whole podcast. I've listened to every episode. Oh, my God. Thank you. I just wanted to say, you know, I know, Nikki, you've been having a little bit of a hard time right now, and I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for just allowing yourself to have a bad time. And more particularly, I just remember, you know, more towards the beginning when you guys were first starting the podcast that you said, like, you had a really hard time being able to

cry and being able to, you know, be outwardly expressive with emotions like that and that you would need to call a friend to to give yourself permission to cry and like here you are on the pod just like crying whenever and i just you know i know maybe you don't mean it i don't know if you necessarily feel amazing about it but i just i think it's awesome and i think it's just shows like a lot of growth and um i love you guys. And I'm really just proud of you. And I look up to you all a lot. And yeah, thanks. Oh, my God.

What was her name? Mary. Mary. Mary, thank you so much for that. And how funny that I cried today on the show. Oh, crybaby Nikki. Honestly, like, Mary and Justine and Aaron, you're all, like, the reason that I was able to wake up this morning

and not be as sad as I was kind of right before I went to bed last night because I was just focusing on people that, you know, I don't even know personally who are proud of me like that feels so good and like I feel part of me feels like undeserving like oh my god I can't believe they even have to waste their thoughts on me or like be worried about me in any way or like how like there's a part of me that feels like guilty that I've ever even had to make you feel like, you know, give you a need to be proud of me. But honestly, it's like just so touching. And like I feel that way about people I don't know that I feel really close to whose art, you know, is with me daily.

So I really relate to that feeling. And I'm so freaking grateful for all of you and like it is just a nice way to kind of end the show hearing that because you know last night was like really really rough and I just I'm not trying to like garner sympathy but you, I was talking to someone yesterday about, like, describing myself as famous and, like, how that doesn't sound really good sometimes when I go, like, well, I'm famous. So, like, and I wanted to make that person understand, like, I'm not saying that. You know, sometimes I do say that of, like, listen, I'm famous. I can get us I can get us those things like you don't need to pay for that like maybe I can toss the fact that I'm famous

and maybe they'll care and they'll give us this thing like I understand like how dumb that is and like sometimes you get to use it and get things for yourself and your friends because people care about celebrity and that has some kind of currency in society whether it's justified or not final thought I I bring up the fact that I'm sometimes I feel like famous or like whatever that means I know there's people that are so much more famous than me please do not get it misconstrued and use this against me of Nikki saying she's famous and as a narcissist yes I have narcissistic tendencies like we all do please please please don't misunderstand me and saying when I tell you that I've said that before the words I'm famous I'm only saying that to you because I'm struggling with it a lot because what it was like to be in the public eye in the 90s

or before Twitter before Reddit before message boards before strangers being able to comment on everything like the hate you got was in the National Enquirer and like that was painful and you know it was it was your mom saying listen I talked to some girls at the salon and they were going off about you because they saw you in People magazine it was like that's the that's the feedback you got of people not liking you it was you watching the Tonight Show and hearing a joke about you which you know I'm not even at that level of fame where I'm you know a household name enough that Jay Leno in the 90s would have referenced me.

So I would have, you know, social media has given me the opportunity to become as well-known, in quotes, as you would say that I am. So I'm grateful for it, but I set out to become quote-unquote famous and wanted that attention as a kid because I always wanted to be popular. I always felt unseen. I wanted people to love me because I didn't feel loved enough. 1500 page or 1500 letter or word diagnoses of my mental state and diatribes about why I'm a bad

person and a sociopath and how someone needs to intervene and how Nikki if you're reading this I'm really sorry but it's just true and no one in your circle is going to tell you because you surround yourself with yes people and blah blah blah I I didn't sign up for that. And you can say yes you did. You know what you were getting into. You chose this life when MySpace was around. You've engaged with people on Instagram. You started a podcast in which you asked for people to like you and that's what you sign up for. We get to ridicule you but I would venture to say that I haven't murdered anyone yet I haven't like I'm not I I really promise you I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I'm only trying to like I my motive in being a celebrity now is just to bring

happiness and to promote and to make myself feel good and to make others feel good and and and making myself feel good not from like hurting anyone and sometimes I do get that like surge of like feeling good because I make fun of Michelle Williams voice or whatever like and that's an ugly part of myself and my ego was hurt when she made fun of me backstage the view and on camera and so yeah I'm lashing out a bad character defect. There you go. You got me. Use it against me someday. You know, whatever your name is on Reddit that I don't remember. But I didn't sign up for this. And I'm really struggling with becoming more well known because I don't like it. It seemingly overnight, my subreddit went from people just posting pictures of my legs and saying like legs for days.

And like my smile and being like, I love when she's happy to, to hundreds of comments about why I'm a bad person and why I don't deserve anything I got and how I'm delusional and like just like the cruelest things I've ever thought about myself have been written at length and I'm you know I don't want to send anyone to go read it because I really don't even like you'll get those things in your head and start maybe judging me based on those people's observations. So I'm really like, I really beg of you not to go read them if you love me, because it's just,

and Andrew, this is to you too, even though you've maybe probably seen them. I wrote them. Dude, that was the best that was the fucking best like that's why we love you i mean honestly i love you that was fucking great but i just i don't i don't know that i want this to be honest with you guys i'm really having a hard time like last night was one of the worst nights of my life i heard you awake i mean we could talk about it off air but i heard i mean

it was i don't i don't know what was happening it wasn't like it wasn't just like you know oh she thinks she's cool or she doesn't she looks tired or like you know some of the comments that i like actively unsubscribe from that thing to just not see about my looks. Like those were always my biggest fears. And it turns out my biggest fears aren't people commenting on my looks. It's like them thinking that I am a sociopath and a narcissist and abusive and, uh, you know, a drug addict and, uh, overly medicated under medicated whatever it is like that's my biggest fear so like I just I hope that if anyone's listening that has written those things like I'm not asking for your your empathy because I'm you know like I've gotten so many things from

being in the public line in the limelight in terms of like I'm going to make this quick. I've got there. I get so much from being, quote unquote, like a little bit famous. But this other side is enough to make me want to just like step away and like maybe just invest in like real estate now with my money. Like I if I got to come up with a plan to avoid it because it, and I thought I did, you know, and it was the, it's the, it was the worst night of my, of my life reading those things. And I like, wish I could like eternal, if I could go eternal sunshine, I would do anything

like the way it felt last night. I was just like, I had, you know, it felt like that eight-year-old staring at the blinking VCR all over again of like, oh no, I'm going to have to like, I just, I can't live with being the person that these people think that I am. And not just a couple people, hundreds of people. And then there was another subreddit that said we need to protect Nikki at all costs. And it was talking about those thoughts. And I really appreciated that subreddit. And I don't need everyone to be a vigilante for my protection. I'm not asking for that.

And this is just to everyone in your life. Let's all just be a little bit kinder to each other. And me too. It made me look at myself like I just don't want to put anything like this out there that would ever make someone feel even a fraction of the way I feel and so like in that like I am really like moving forward I like especially with you Andrew like only want to make you feel good and like be positive in your life and like give you reason to love yourself as much as I truly love you and like I I'm really like sorry for ever making you

feel the way like I felt last night because I really like I got a taste of my own medicine and like OD'd on it last night so I just want to apologize to you and again apologize to fans for bookending the show with tears and it's so so awkward. And I don't like this at all. But thank you for listening. Have a great weekend and a great Tuesday night. And Andrew, disable your accounts. I really like it did not feel good last night. And don't be out there.

And yeah, have a great weekend. And Jack manatee john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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