The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #93 Antarcticouhl

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Between you and Nikki she loves to play word games, tried blush way too young and wants to want to be a cat lady. Andrew is surrounded by kids and keeping sane with his girlfriend. The news goes off the rails when Producer Noa hoped for positive news stories but lands on one of the best things on the internet. For Top1 Bottom1 they try to talk about the latest thing they did for themselves. In the Final Thought Nikki has a message for the Besties. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. I almost just hurt my neck, like, jamming out to that song. I'm like, sometimes I do a dance and I'm like, oh, like a little fun jig. I'm gonna go, I'm getting too old to have, to be like fun. To be like, to just have a moment of like, random like, yeah! It's like, oh!

Ah! How's it going, everyone? Happy Monday. Hope you had a great weekend. I, my weekend, we don't even know what it's going to be yet because it's Friday. Let me just be honest with you guys. I'm pre-taping this because Monday I am going to be traveling to Las Vegas. I usually say Vegas and people do not care for that. But I do believe that is the way it should be pronounced.

And I think I'm right. But every time I say Las Vegas, I have to picture V-A-Y-G-U-S. Because I guess two years ago, we were going to Las Vegas and I kept saying Vegas. People go, you say that weird. And I'm like, Vegas? Veg? Vegas? No, it's Vegas.

Who said that? Who said that? And isn't it Spanish? And how is that pronounced in Spanish? That is the right way, probably. I don't know. Did you take Spanish? Do you know how to pronounce Spanish words? I did take Spanish for a while. I'm not sure. I usually say

Vegas, but I love when you say Vegas and bagel. I don't know how you- Bagel? Like how you say bagel. Wait a second. Bagel. Bagel. Hold on I'm gonna go get a bagel I love the way you say bagel Wait a second Lost bagel That is so funny I do say bagel weird

Oh my god it's bagel That's me as a New Yorker That's how I say it B-A-Y-G-U-L. Bagel. Bagel. That's really funny. I love mispronunciations.

Did you ever take that quiz that I was obsessed with? Did we ever do that on YouUp? You guys, if you want to show yourself a really good time, there's a quiz. All you Google, honestly, because every time I don't ever remember how to actually find it. You just Google what is going on right with my phone. You Google quiz regional dialect. Let me see if that pulls it up. Yeah. And it's called How Y'all Use and You Guys Talk, the New York Times. It's from 2013, and you just take this quiz. It's so wild.

It's such a fun game at parties or like when you're with a group of people and you're like bored. Pull this up. It's called How Y'all Use and You Guys Talk, and there's 25 questions, and they just ask questions like, how would you address a group of two or more people?

You all, yous, you lot, you guys, yuns, yins, you, other, or y'all. And then you go through and you answer 25 questions that are just like those kinds of questions. Like what would you call a, there's one that's so funny. It goes, what do you call a rainstorm or like when it's raining and the sun is shining and it's like a sun shower we don't have a word for this the devil beats his wife yeah donkey's tuesday deluxe it's just like who would ever say giving birth a wolf is giving birth yes it's so weird did you ever have did you have a name for that?

No, I don't. I think I would be the one. I have no term for it. Yeah. Well, I, we call it Patricia takes her cat to the market. I don't know. It's like, what is this? But the weirdest thing is you guys, and I'm no joke. Every time I've run this test, maybe once it didn't work because someone had moved around

a lot because they were like a military kid or um a gypsy and uh they it will it will show you a map of at the end of the 25 questions it'll generate and go beep boop and then at the end of it it'll show you a map like a heat map you know where it's like red is where it thinks you're from and it will be down to the county where you are from in the United States it's wild it's so cool and it freaks people out people go no way and it'll be like yeah you're from a southern you know suburb of Baltimore and it's like what there's a great Baltimore um dialect uh or like accent thing on that's making the rounds on tiktok i saw it on reddit but it says it's it makes these guys it says if you're from baltimore and have a baltimore accent read this sentence and what the sentence says is aaron a-a-r-o-n earns e-a-r-n-s uh iron earns u-r-n-s

like aaron earns iron earns and if you're from baltimore you go aaron earns earn earns and these guys go there's this guy doing it he's like aaron earns our earns aaron earns our earns and and then he goes guys what the hell what is this the way we talk because he's hearing it for the first time i'm going like i'm just saying the same thing over and over that's why i love that one. Have you ever heard the one of buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo? Like that's a sentence because buffalo is an adjective. Let me find it. It's so interesting. I love this shit. Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, because buffalo is an adjective of adverb and a noun of, I don't think it's an adverb,

but it's, oh yeah, here it goes. Buffalo, so buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo. So it's one, two, three, four, eight buffaloes in a row is a grammatically correct sentence in English. Often presented as an example of how homonyms and homophones, hey, this sentence is anti-gay, can be used to create complicated linguistic constructs through, okay, so anyway, buffalo is a pronoun, so buffalo, buffalo, so as a pronoun pronoun or it's a proper noun, Buffalo, New York. And then as a verb meaning to bully, harass or intimidate. So Buffalo, Buffalo. So the buffaloes from Buffalo bully Buffalo. OK, and Buffalo. And then they bully other buffaloes from Buffalo.

And it's like – but anyway, saying Buffalo eight times in a row is a real sentence in English that checks out. And that's just interesting to me. I love like wordplay, stuff like this. It was interesting today we were trying to come up with a top one, bottom one segment. And Noah said you are not good with lyrics. Because I said maybe lyrics. And you go, I just don't. Can we just, like, not do lyrics? Because I just, like, I just don't know lyrics.

I don't know any. Wait, why? Is it because every song you listen to is like, rah, rah, rah, devil spawn. I can't believe how good you are at that, by way but yeah that's pretty much it like i i guess i never paid attention to lyrics it's that's not what pulled me into like a song for me it was just about the music so i know i was like a lyric head i could not be i know like i mean mean I do love melody and like instrumentation but I think

I couldn't be more opposite of you in that respect like there's no you don't like there's no lyrics that you go like oh my god like this lyric just like nails it like do songs like elicit feelings for you just based on their like the sound that comes out of

these men's throats well i recently started listening to like pop music and i i really like listening to rihanna like her lyrics i really like she's very horny come on come on s s s s nS-S-N-M-M. Yeah, I love her lyrics too. She's super wet when she records. Do you know she hasn't put out an album for like eight years or something? She recently became one of the richest women.

She's in like billionaire status. She's very successful. I feel like you reach that when you put out a makeup line. That's like what every time a girl does a makeup line, it's like billionaire. It's like that's what was, what would Kylie make money from otherwise? Kardashians pay like $1,500 an episode probably. It's got to be this makeup. I got to start a makeup line.

She has a lingerie line called Fenty. Oh, that's her makeup line too. Yeah. And her lingerie. She has like really nice lingerie line called Fenty oh that's her makeup line too yeah and her laundry she has like someone need more makeup or lingerie it's like it's just it's all none of this if I was to make a product and like put my name on it it would have to be something that like doesn't exist anymore that's like a new technology or like a new, like I came up with, there's some idea I had that I was like, okay, that actually is a thing like I want because it doesn't exist yet. I, every color of eyeshadow has existed. Every pigmentation, every shimmer, every kind of, you know, oh no, this primer goes on smoother. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. They're all the same. Stop it. And they're not all the

same. But I honestly, girls, you don't have to spend $200 at Sephora like old glazed dog over here. I really I just haven't been to a Walgreens in a really long time. There are times when my whole makeup bag is Walgreens stuff, like, you know, drugstore makeup. And it works just as well as when I go to Ulta or Sephora or, you know, Mac. I just, is there any makeup product, Noah, that you are like, or any kind of like product in your life, girl product? I mean, I don't want to say girl, but you know, is there any product that you have used forever? That's like your kind of the serum, you know, that I use that I'm so like obsessed with. And if it got discontinued, I just don't know what I do. I do have that. Uh,

and I've been using it since I found it in my mom's makeup bag when I was a kid, it's cocaine. We're not supposed to talk about that. It's the NARS like highlighter stick and the color is Copacabana. I think it's just like this like light pink bar and I just I love it so much. I put it like under my eyes and then I do like a line on my nose to try to like look at to make it look reduced you know oh right oh my god okay NARS highlighter stick Copacabana yeah that's mine I love that and that's so cute you got it from your mom like who knew I didn't even know NARS was around back then that's so cool I love that did used to get in, I loved my grandma's makeup and the smell of the bag and the smell of the powders

and like I loved that stuff because it like just smelled so good. I don't know if I was a kid that was like, I can't wait to wear makeup. When did you start wearing makeup? It started with eyeliner. Oh yeah, that's right.

I think like 16 or 17 and I can't live without it. Eyeliner was my last thing that I ever did what was your first I think it was like blush because it's like that's what you like who needs blush in eighth grade I remember was eighth grade but it was like I remember I found one of my friends notes Kirsten if you're listening I've never let this go and I need to do some work on it probably it's leading to you know me acting out even today it's why you know sometimes I want to kick my Roomba because I found a note from one of my friends I think it was Hala wrote to Kirsten or Kirsten wrote to Hala and they were making fun of me wearing makeup and being like Nikki's wearing

makeup now and she looks ridiculous and I was was just like, I don't know. I was just trying like a new thing. I remember one time we were all putting on makeup and Hala never wore makeup. And her last name's Holly. That's why we called her Hala. Because we got lazy. And then it eventually turned into her. So now we just go like, her called me yesterday.

And her name's Laura. Laura Holly turned into Laura Hala. Turned into Herley.lla turned into hurley turned into and so one time holla if you're listening bitch fucking wrote about me in eighth grade um i think i never called them out on it because i was so embarrassed but she one time put um you know how sometimes concealer can come in like a lipstick almost like thing? I bet your NARS thing is like a stick almost, right? She thought it was lipstick and she put concealer on her lips. We were all like, she was like, this is a color?

What? This is ridiculous. And we're like, holla, that's concealer. I want, it's always fun to interview men about what they think different things are. There's a lot of TikToks of that, of like, what is this product? And there's like dumb boyfriends being like, I don't know, put that on your toes. And it's just like, no, it's a brow gel. And it's just like, I don't know, is that a nipple cream?

It's like, no, that's, you know, I don't don't know something else a thing I can't think of but it's like I I want to start getting into TikTok by the way I gotta do it and my bestie sent me Taylor Swift's latest TikTok Taylor Swift has joined TikTok and she did this one where she was she showed a interview from Regis and Kelly or something. She was talking about getting a second cat because she had one. And she was like, I'm worried about getting a second cat because when you have cats, does that make you a cat lady? Does cats equal cat lady? And she was talking to a friend.

And my friend said, no, three cats is a cat lady. Two cats is a party. And then it cuts cuts to and it's like her in 2021 and it's her holding one cat and she walks across and she's just kind of like whatever and then it then the next then you see her walk into frame again she's got two cats and it's like and it's like a party um speaking of party you're getting a cat you You're getting half a party. I am. Your friend found a cat, was approached by a cat. This cat, I mean, seems to have found my friend in a hotel parking lot. And it's a kitten.

It was so friendly. And she said, okay, this cat is so sweet. I'm going to just let it be. And if I come back at the end of my workday to the hotel and he's there, I'll I'll take him. So she ended up leaving. And at the end, when she was gassing up her car, she's like, OK, I can't I need to go back and find it. She like went and looked all over for it. And he came out of these bushes and she took him home. And it was like, if he comes out naturally, I'll get him.

And then she went digging for him. Yeah. She's saved like so many animals from the side of the road. She's like this magical person. Oh, so animals just kind of like find this woman. Yeah. And then she goes on a search for them. Yeah.

Well, I think she's an angel. She's so good. that's so nice so you said i will she told you about it and you were like hey we need a cat let's do it and so you're going to fly to new york and get this cat and then fly back yeah i mean like i'll i'll check off seeing some some family members too to make the most of it but it's just like a cat that likes to be held like a baby and he purrs and he's so sweet and i don't know a lot about cats do most cats not like to be held like a baby some of them are aloof you know it's just like in their personality so this one's very special because he is so friendly

and i can't resist i have you ever owned a cat never so if anyone has tips have you ever been a cat woman I've so I call myself a crazy cat lady on Instagram because I follow a ton of cat accounts oh so you love cats on Instagram you're already like in it see I'm not someone who watches cat videos and I want to be because Taylor Swift is and I'm just just not. But I think you sent me a video of your cat. And it's so cute. I wonder if I could become a cat person or if you're like born one. So I was watching Beth Stern's cat videos. Oh, yeah.

She posed great ones. Oh, Stern's wife. Yeah. Right. And from that, I just was like, okay, I need all these kittens and old cats. What are you going to name it? We don't know yet. Is Avi into cats?

Yeah. He loves all animals. Oh my God. That's so exciting. Congrats on getting a cat. Isn't it crazy that you are going, like in 18 years, you're going to have this animal. If all goes well, you're going to have this animal that all goes well you're going to have this animal that and your life is going to be so different you could have a like let's just say like you could have a kid in high school and this cat will still be around all because your friend

was at a hotel one day I'm fine with it that's so crazy how the world works like that and like you're committing to something though that is going to be around for a while. I mean it's unfortunate that they don't live forever or as long as humans. Like that's one of the saddest things. But that's quite a commitment. I mean the other day I was at Whole Foods and I was picking up toilet paper. And I was like, do I get the 12-pack or the 4? And I go, I'm going to get the 4. And it's like, why?

You can carry the 12 12 this isn't about a bulk issue you have the money for the 12 and I just am like what are you not gonna live long enough to wipe your ass that much like of course I'm gonna need 12 rolls does it have to do with the fact that maybe I think Andrew needs to get a pack sometimes? And maybe, maybe? No, I don't know what it was. Like, sometimes Q-tips. Like, 500 Q-tips? I'm like, that's a commitment.

I don't, someone, what if I die? Someone's gonna have to get rid of those Q-tips and then they go to waste. Because no one wants to, like, get Q-tips from Goodwill. My mom probably would. Let's get Andrew in here. Is he available? He is in Connecticut, which is how I say it when I spell it, because that's how you spell it. I always forget there's that extra T.

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Hey, Andrew. What's up? What's up? How's it going in Connecticut? Connecticut's good. A lot of kids. A lot of kids. How many?

I feel like they have kids now. There could be 30, 40 of them running around. It feels like that. It's three of them. A lot of knocks on the door while your boy is trying to, you know. Lay it down. They knocked on the door while you were trying to have sex? No, no.

But you could feel it. I'm anticipating it. So, you know, I got one hand on the door, one hand on that ass. You know what I mean? That was a question I had for you yesterday like you guys hadn't seen each other for a little bit did you want to bang like right away but you had to like meet the kids we did you did bang right away yeah in the car no no no that would have been badass we had a uber driver uh no we didn't bang in the car but when we got to the house

uh we did you just pretend like you had to go take a shit or something yeah we both took shits for no like how did you avoid like not hanging out right when you got there i'm trying to think so we i think we got here we said hello then we went in the back saying oh we got to change for the pool or something okay we had a really quick session then there was a knock at the door and then it's or no we started hearing hubert the dog oh the dog drink out of the bowl in the laundry room and uh you sure that was hubert it could have been me that's all I heard.

I heard. And I was like, okay, only two of us can do that. And so whatever. So we both stopped slobbering and we went back out there, me and Hubert and Brenna. It was great. It was a good hang. You know, kids, when you're not around kids and then you eat dinner with kids, I mean, they're very loud, and they don't give a fuck about anything, and it's awesome, but it's also.

I just don't, like, yeah, the other night when you were saying, like, I think you were just kind of, like, open to having kids or something. We were talking about kids, and you were like, I don't know. Like, I go, you're not going to be able to, like, golf four hours a day. I know that. And you were like, but you can bring the kid. Like once they get old enough,

they can golf with you. And I'm like, yeah, but they're going to require your attention. You can't just like focus on your swing. You're going to have to like look at their, the thing they're showing you on their iPad, even if they're old enough to be on an iPad,

let's say like they're going to, you're going to have to talk to them and like be present. And, um, people, yeah, I don't think you you understand i'm glad you get to see this like i even my sister the other night the baseball game was saying like because i go i knew you know it's going to be hard no one says that parenthood is easy like you know it's going

to be harder than you think it's going to be is it harder than you thought it was going to be even knowing that it was going to be? And she was like, yes, it's more work. Like I just, I mean, we talked about this so much in Tulum Noah about like, why would you do that to your life? And like, like,

and it's, and it's, I understand once you have the kids, like you're not going to get rid of them. Cause you're like, no, these are amazing. But why would you want to create something that you might not even like you don't even know what kind of love that

is yet like you love your dog and you love your cats and stuff so you understand that kind of love but like um it is funny when about like wanting kids so bad that people would invite that chaos into their lives where they'll never for probably you know eight years never have a dinner where it isn't like okay let's just say you know five years and then if you keep having kids it's not going to be for another until those kids are five or six and can sit at the dinner table and not scream and go i don't want it and push it away and like run around and squirm in their chair. Like when I go to eat with my brother-in-law and sister, there's no one, there's no conversation that gets had. Nothing, everything stays on the tarmac.

No, there's no subject that catches flight and becomes an actual conversation. It's just constantly wrangling them in like, eat your broccoli, eat your chicken. Come on, you got to eat this. Do you want dessert? Do you want dessert? Do you want to eat this? Eat this.

Oh, you don't want to eat this? How about eat this? Eat this. Eat this. Dinner's over. Yep. There's no, there's no like, oh, what did you do today at work? And, oh, what's going on with that thing that, you know, there's just, there's no room for any conversation to happen.

Maybe that's a good thing. And I think you just go through five years of never having an actual conversation. And it feels so bad for, you know, single mothers or single fathers stuck at home and they don't have a lot of, like, adult interaction. All of their interactions are like are like eat this do you want that take nap like and just begging your child to to want to nap as much as you do I just I just don't understand why people want to do it I mean I just think it's I don't know you just gotta tell me what you think it is really I think I think I think no, I'm thinking I think you have to keep the family going. I think that's a responsibility to not have your lineage family going.

What is wrong with people like this? That is such a selfish need to be like, I want my lineage to go. I mean, I know we're all humans and we want to make more. I would think that it's the opposite of selfish. I think it's selfless to put yourself through that to make sure that your family keeps going. I don't know. I think that's what people like.

I think that's why people moved here from Russia and risked starvation and got away from their motherland to start a family and to grow a family. There's so much history behind where you're sitting right now if everyone goes hey oh you know I'm gonna be selfish you never would have been sitting there yeah but you wouldn't know that I wasn't here like I'm just saying I'm just there would be someone else here you know what I mean like the the fact but this is all the argument I have for

why people don't adopt and they're like we need to have our own and they go through these treatments because they need to have their own and I understand wanting to be pregnant and some women really like want that but like and I understand adoption is expensive but it's this need I want the thing to look like me and to remind me of my dad and look and have the same genetic code and it's just like it's so egotistical. Yeah. And this is coming from a person who's just, you know, I just had people write dozens of essays about how I'm egotistical and narcissist. So I don't understand why I don't have this desire

to keep my genetic code and DNA and like keep it going. Do you think if your sister didn't have kids, you'd feel more inclination to have them? No, I don't. And, but this isn't even about, let's not even say kids. Like, it's about, there are kids that don't have homes. Like, why don't people have those, like, find a way to have those kids in their lives? And, like, if you're so desperate to love something that much, like you don't birth your own dog yet you still love it your dog doesn't have your genetic

makeup but i think the adoption process is people say that all the time but then people go through in vitro and spend five hundred thousand dollars to go through that and then tear up their pussies and do all this like you can say it's, it's tough, but it's really about, I don't want a baby that doesn't look like me. Oh, but it might have, um,

you know, genetic mutations that we can't, it might have alcoholism or, uh, you know, psychosis. Yeah. Look at your fucking family tree.

You have that too, buddy. It's all lurking. You can't guarantee your child's going to be exactly like you. And God, let's hope it's not. Yeah, I know. Hopefully it has better thumbs for sure. But I just think it's just, I think there's an embedded narcissism in human beings that we must need to have so that we make more.

Otherwise everyone would adopt and we'd just stop having people. Why do animals, why do chimpanzees have kids? Why do lions have kids? Well, they're not doing it so that, you know, their child has their legs. But maybe they are. Yeah, it seems like. I really think it's about, like, I want my baby to look like me. I've been with guys before where I go, oh, my God, our kids would be so cute.

And it's like, well well that's not a reason to have kids yeah I mean I just think the love for a kid you'd say it all the time with you talk to parents and they go I never knew what the love would be until and look again or they why don't adopt then like I said though because adoption makes you love a kid less, then that's a whole other argument that we need to explore. And maybe that is true. And people don't want to talk about that. I have cousins that tried to adopt.

They both had great jobs. They both, like, the difficulty of, I could be wrong, but they ended up adopting two kids from Russia that like were two years old that like you could almost tell that these kids saw more in like their first four years of life or whatever. No, that makes that's a good point. So I just I don't know. I mean, I would say that that would be I just and like you said, it could be expensive. You have to fill out a form. That's probably more than three pages, which could be tough.

That's always my argument is people go. It's expensive and there's a lot of paperwork. And it's just like, if you don't like paperwork and you don't like spending money, you shouldn't have a kid anyway. Like, I just feel like if you can't do. But I think maybe that's me. You love your career. Like, if you didn't love your job as much, maybe you would need something to fill that void. Now, is that selfish? I don't think that's true because there are women that love their careers that want kids too.

Yeah. I just don't. I mean, and it's not that I don't have the desire to have a guy come in me when I'm having sex. There's something about that that I'm like, please come in my vagina. There's something biological that makes you want that to happen. So I understand how people get pregnant. Yeah. But I don't understand.

I, you know, and I'm sure people are just screaming at me and not really liking this tirade. I'm not saying I'm the one that doesn't get it. You know, like I am the outlier here. Like, I'm just looking at this is the way i felt in tulum when i was like at that hotel being like who would ever pay for this to be to be in this bare bones shitty like hut in the woods who would pay thousands and thousands of dollars for this experience that is not luxurious at all when you could go the four seasons in maui and be treated like a saudi prince so that's the thing is like, I just don't understand.

Like, I want to understand. Like, I want to understand why you have been eating pizzas in our apartment for weeks. Every single day you eat at least one pizza and we don't have a pizza slicer. Yeah. That's, I don't understand that. I mean, I, you know, there's knives. Knives. I can, I could eat it whole. I could eat it from the crust. I mean, you know, there's knives. Knives.

I could eat it whole. I could eat it from the crust. I could do whatever I want, you know? But would you prefer a slice of pizza that was, like, easily sliced? There's never been a compulsion for you to buy it. Adopt a little Italian boy that will cut my pizzas. Maybe I'll do that. Right.

And also, like, an oven mitt. Like, you have struggled with the pizza coming out of the oven, and you've never been and also like an oven mitt like there you have struggled with the pizza coming out of the oven and you've never been compelled to buy an oven mitt like i was never a big oven pizza guy this is all very new to me maybe when i get back i'll get a slicer and i'll admit maybe i'll make a firestone pizza uh thing in the living room next to your band practice and we can have fun. It can be part of our Instagram live. What are the, dude,

there's some guys that build like fire pit pizza things outside that are costs like thousands of dollars. That's how much he wants to ignore his kids. That's what I'm saying. It's like, why do you have kids? If it all leads to building some kind of beer brewery system in your back shed so you can avoid them? And getting obsessed with golf so you don't have to hang out with them.

It's so funny to me that people would take on. It's like when people climb, like go ice pick climbing. Yeah, without a net. Or something like that it's like why would you do that what is i just want to understand the i i want to understand my fellow human because i feel so left out you know i really do i like i do a lot of human things that people like you know people i know but then that makes sense to me but the things that i that other people do that they find joy and like why can't i find joy in that why can't when i'm watching a tv show and

it sucks i don't give it eight episodes i just tap out whereas you will watch the whole thing like i want to understand that like why keep going on something you don't like. I don't really. I rarely do that. What show have I done that with? Mr. Corman? Every show you've watched. There's been a lot of times. No, no, no. There's been times there's been terrible shows and you complete. Oh, I do love like all American.

But you're not alone. People do that. Yeah, but I don't think they're terrible in a good way, things can be. You know what I mean? Like they're mind numbing good way, things can be. You know what I mean? Like they're mind-numbing. They're not genius writing. It's literally like, dude, did you go to prom with Dave? Yeah, that's another thing.

I don't understand why people would watch that instead of something that is like Veep. Yeah, reality TV is like. Because, dude, it's like when I watch, what's the show that you love uh with alec baldwin and uh 30 rock 30 rock it's just a lot on your brain it's so many jokes it's like blah blah blah blah it's like dude just give me some dumb writing like the oc a little bit of drama and i could just turn my dumb noggin off for a minute i just i, I don't, there's something about me that makes me feel like I just cannot watch dumb things. And I don't think

reality TV is dumb. I'm learning about humans and human behavior. When people say, well, you watch reality TV, I'm like, it's not Walker, Texas Ranger. This mind-numbing, bad writing, bad acting, things things like that,

like are touched by an angel, like these shows that people, soap operas. It's like, why would you watch that? I just don't see the Georgia and Ginny or whatever that show is that had the Taylor Swift joke. I watched one scene of that. I go, how could anyone enjoy this? It's absurd to me. But I know I'm not saying like I'm an intellectual.

I only like 30 rock. I just, I get bored. Let's get to the news. I like boredom. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy, it's Monday.

Somewhere. It's Monday somewhere. Actually, it's not. It's Monday. Somewhere. It's Monday somewhere. Actually, it's not. It's actually not Monday anywhere right now. It's not even close to Monday. Well, in your head, you've been living on a different calendar this week or last week. Dude, I've been watching Texas Ranger. All right.

So, sea ice at the South Pole has rebounded in 2020, 2021 to the levels of the some three decades ago. Sciences are explaining sea ice is coming back. Is this Trump's doctor saying this? That's like in that weird coat with the long gray hair. I don't believe any good climate change news. This is from the Drudge Report. I knew you were going to respond like this. Noah sent me this as a positive story.

Yeah, I mean, it sounds good. But there's just no way that any good is happening. Can I tell you something? I was in agreement with you. And so I did another search. I typed in, is Noah correct? I would love this to be real. So the Antarctic is rebounding.

The Arctic is falling apart for some reason. Something with mountains. I don't know what. I didn't really get too into it. I'm pretty sure the Arctic is collapsing for other reasons other than mountains. The mountains are very heavy. Mountains of human waste that are polluting the seas and causing, you know, mountains of cow waste that's causing carbon emissions that are making it deplete

and melt in a rapid race that makes scientists, like, scientists are all buying suicide, like, cyanide pills. Everyone knows. The end is na-na- na well the antarctic's coming back so if you're looking for a place to stay out of four seasons they're gonna start building them on where the glaciers used to be i love hearing this i mean i i'm guessing it's it's uh because of climate change like i bet i'm guessing it's like coming back in like almost a scary way uh not in a scary

way it doesn't seem to be it appears that oceanic cycles play major roles on antarctic sea ice variability not literally increasing co2 which we i don't know and then there's some graph that noah put in that i i have no idea what this there's slope and percentages and it's like a bar graph of some sort. Maybe we could try to break this down. It'd be easier for the pie chart. That tells me nothing. That looks like the Richter scale of when Andrew and Brenna were getting it on

next to Bruno. What's the dog's name? Hubert. Hubert. Yes, no, I know what this is saying so i guess that's ice in 1980 then it goes down and then it really goes down in 2003 and then it starts coming back then it went really down it looks pretty static to me i mean it's like showing as many ups and downs i just don't believe that there is any good climate change news. You guys, the world is like, the world's not ending.

Humanity is being like, you know, it's like when your body gets a fever to burn off the virus. Yeah, and then you think it's gone. It heats it up so that it kills off the thing that's making it sick. And humans are making the planet sick, so it's heating it up. Like, the planet has a fever. When would you admit you're wrong if 98% of scientists were actually wrong and the Earth

was fine? Would you be like, my bad? I'm just saying that this... I believe that it's getting better there, but I don't think that overall it's looking good for old Mother Earth. You know what I mean? You can have um stage five cancer and your nail

beds can look nice yeah yeah yeah yeah or like your toe might not be broken but you're still gonna die i don't know my toenails have never looked better i think i'm fine that's a bad example i bet your nail beds would be pretty bad if you had stage fright cancer. And I'm not making light of that, but I'm just saying if you have a terminal illness and – Yes. But you have, like, rosy cheeks or, like, oh, your eyelids are – you know, you have all your eyebrow hair. People are going to be like, well, I guess that's a bad example, too. You know what I'm saying.

Yeah. No, it's got to be weird to be dying like that. And you wake up. I'm sure there, I've read some things, not really read them, just heard from Hubert. In between the sloshing, he goes, you know, some days on cancer. Wait, where did you read about dying? I don't know.

It was probably during my episodes. But what was the end of that thought no so cancer like when you have cancer there's some days where you feel completely fine so it's got to be such a mind fuck to like be like you wake up one morning you're like oh maybe it's gone you know and then it's like it's like when you have to shit and then it goes your stomach ache goes away oh my god my God. Wow. Yeah. That's actually a good analogy from two people who don't know anything about cancer.

Well, my dad's a cancer doctor. Yeah. So I learned through osmosis, you know? Oh, yeah. Because he passed because he had you and you weren't adopted. Yeah, because I have the same dick as my dad. I know everything about hematology, oncology. Oh, no.

Next story. Okay. Have you seen your dad's dick? Yeah. Is it the same as yours? Well, I saw it when I was a kid. So a dad's dick, we always see our dad's dicks when our dicks are really small, so we think they're gigantic.

Yeah, so you think they're huge. Yeah, it's like the Antarctic ice. Okay, a teen rescued a bumblebee with a crumpled wing and now it won't leave her side even sleeping in a jar by her bed. This reminded me of the video you posted recently. Wait, it's gotta be the same thing.

Nah, different bee. Oh my god. I'm obsessed with bees now. If you guys go to the Dodo, Which is like that Instagram Where they just have like animals Beautiful animal videos that make you cry The one I posted the other day

Of this woman rescuing a bee with no wings A bumblebee This bee like likes music It hangs out Now everyone's getting bees This one had a crumpled wing Yeah this one had a crumpled wing The other one had no wings

So I guess If you're trying to get a bee on discount go with wingless or one good wing it's you know all the bees are dying and like disabled now anyway so man we are turning positive news into very negative news no i love this like if you can if you if you watch that bee video, I just don't understand how you can't be a vegan and realize that every single animal is capable of deep connection and a personality. It's like everyone, after I posted that bee video of this woman that found a bee without wings, she took it in, put it in a little terrarium. She's like very soft spoken and like

this little bee, they called her Ruby, I think. And she, um, she liked music. She would play with the cat. It was a bumblebee, you guys, without wings. And she learned how to crawl and her legs got super jacked because she was just crawling everywhere. So she looked like a little cockroach. And I know that's gross, but she was a bumblebee and she liked to like sit on their shoulder when they played music because the vibrations felt good and so cute and the bee only lives to be a month and it lived like you know a week longer than

a month or something but they cried for three days when the bee died because they like the bee had such a personality and they took care of it all the time and it was like so beautiful and everyone's like you gotta watch the octopus teacher and I was like so beautiful and everyone's like you got to watch the octopus teacher and i'm like no because i will ruin every dinner with my friends when they order calamari

which gets ordered every time i go out with people people get calamari and i'll make everyone feel bad i'll go that thing knows math better than you do that thing can do the tip for our dinner better than you so does your asparagus. In fairness, so does your broccoli. No, it doesn't. Then me? I'll do a math. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good joke. I'll go head to head with a broccoli. I thought you were doing one of those things of like, plants have feelings. It's been proven that plants scream. Nikki, what are you going to do when they prove that plants have feelings. It's been proven that plants scream. Nikki, what are you going to do when they prove that plants have feelings?

I'm really going to actually have a hard time eating them. That's the answer to that. Because that's the right answer. And get out of town with this. This woman left her dog in a hot car for 30 seconds. You're eating a cheeseburger, you fucking hypocrite. In a car. Shut up.

What? In a car. Yeah. That you're burning diesel gas and killing the earth. But Antarctic's fine. It's coming back. Rebounding.

Antarctic. Ka. Ka. Ka. Ka. Oh my God, Antarctic. Ka is so cut That's obviously the name of this

Antarctica Is definitely the name of this We got it We got it write it down Here's the thing though I think like Some people become friends with animals That aren't supposed to be Like friends

No animals domesticated until we decide it is yeah we're all wild this particular bee the girl tried to put the bee back at the park she spent an hour at the park trying to set the bee free in like a flower bed or something and the bee just kept coming back to her i mean this sounds like your friend with the hotel cat. Yeah. But different because that woman went searching for that cat. God, send me a sign that this cat belongs in my life. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Opening tuna can. Yes.

In the bushes. I don't know why it was so attractive to me. Maybe because you were rolling around in tuna? And all the catnip I had around my necklace. I want to see someone become a friend with a wasp. Then I'll be impressed. You know what I mean? Like something really mean.

You know, like there are people are terrified of bees. But, you know, and people have spiders as pets all the time. That's true. That's true. But not like a black widow. Show me someone who becomes friends with a house centipede. I might like a house centipede if it didn't have legs. Those things, as a vegan, those are the only animals that I go, fuck that thing.

Fuck it. I won't kill one, but I sure will. But it's only because I don't want to even get close enough to it to kill it. You would chill with a scorpion? A scorpion will fuck you up. I like scorpions. Do you remember? Oh, no, you weren't there.

You know that club we did in New Mexico? Yeah, yeah. You had a scorpion on stage, right? Yeah, I was on stage, and all of a sudden, there was a thwack to the right of the stage. And I go, what the hell? It sounded like a gunshot. And I go, what was that?

And he goes, scorpion. And I go, what? And he had a flip-flop in his hand he took his flip-flop off and i go first of all you're wearing flip-flops to my show front row how dare you sir and he goes i listen i don't respect your show i was the guy that posted on reddit and i was like actually good point so he thwacked this thing i go and i go is go, is it dead? And he goes, yeah, I got it. And I go, why? He's like, why would you kill that? I was so mad because I'd never even seen a scorpion, and now this one is dead.

And I picked it up, and I kept it. Was the scorpion like a deadly? Was it a deadly kind of scorpion, though? What if it stung you? I mean, it sort of fucked me up, but I didn't pick it up by its stinger. People go, oh, my God. I'm picking it up by its talon, and it's dead, and its talons don't have sting in it. You picked it up on stage?

Yeah, and people go, oh, my God. I go, you guys, it's dead. What are you talking about? But these guys that try to become friends with grizzly bears, it ends either, I don't know. It's just wild to me. Someone sent me a video. I love it i love seeing like a big grizzly man rolling around with a grizzly bear oh that one video where the guy's

like hey i'm john and this here is buddy and we want to thank you for donating there is a hilarious reddit video where this guy's trying to do a commercial for conservation. Noah, have you seen it? Oh, my God. How can we find that video? The bear keeps messing up the take by almost eating the man. Yeah, the bear keeps mauling him, like, playfully. But, like, and the guy just cannot get this bear to stop. Like, bear commercial, PSA, blooper. Well, that's the thing with bears.

They maul you once, you're dead. A bee, and it doesn't die. A bee, though, if it stings you, a lot of bees, they sting you once, they're dead. You know what I mean? I don't know. That's something to think about. Oh, yeah, that's an interesting thing. That a bear, yeah, a bear doesn't, like, maul you once, and then it's like, and then it had to go off and die.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. It probably stopped mauling you as and then it had to go off and die. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. It probably stopped mauling you as much. So maybe bees aren't that nice. They're just selfish. Okay, I'm looking for the bear blooper because it's so funny. We've got to find that old man. Bear blooper is such a funny term.

The bear blooper. Bart the bear. That's it. Bart the bear outtakes. There it is. Noah, will you play it? Companion, friend, Bart the Bear. You're good.

You may... Hello. Hello, my name is Doug Schuch, and this is my lifelong friend and companion. This bear is like 900 pounds. And the guy that's talking about him is like a big guy. Get off. Get off.

Hi. My name is Doug Seuss. And this is my life. No. Hold on on it keeps going my name is doug seuss and this is my lifelong friend bart the bear you may recognize him as an actor he might be big and strong but he's also a cancer survivor oh i want to tell you how grateful we are for the overwhelming compassion of professional doctors and staff at the Colorado State University

Animal Cancer Center. Please help us continue to save lives. Call today. He starts biting his head. Good. Hello, my name is Doug Shook.

This is my longtime friend, You gotta look up Bart the Bear It's one of my favorite videos I've ever seen He made me big and strong You might recognize him as an actor He also is a cancer survivor You can't get through the break because of this How grateful we are For the overwhelming compassion

And the professional doneness I think this is one of my favorite videos ever on the internet. I honestly think it is too. Wait, the bear in his hand is pulling him to the ground. He bared down on my finger. He bared down on his finger. Ready? Literally. All right, we got to keep going.

I mean, this video. My name is Doug Schuett. I mean it. This is my life long. Daniel, bark the bear. He bit his face. No, easy. Easy.

What if he just killed him right here, man? Oh, my God. Look at his face. No, easy. What if he just killed him right here, man? Oh, my God. Look at his claws. Guys, I'm sorry if this is terrible to listen to, but this bear can't. This guy cannot get away from me. He's biting his face off, dude. This bear could snap this guy's head in half and he just keeps biting the guy's head like his full mouth goes around this old man's that's what i'm saying man these people

they're just freaking no way you gotta watch the whole video the funny part is is like that goes on for 10 minutes like of just clip after clip of this guy going hi hi, I'm Doug Seuss, and this is Bart. Stop it, Bart! And then one time he almost gets through the whole thing, and then it just. And I love that he thinks. Bart always betrays him two seconds before he's done. He's like, call 1-88-GOT-DOWN-BART! Oh, Bart. Bart, you bit me hard that time, Bart.

You bit me hard. What a bud. You bit me hard. What a man. What a man's man. There was that one guy that lived with real grizzly bears, like out in the woods. Oh, yeah. And there's just a video of him getting mauled to death. He's like, call 1-800. And they didn't show it in the movie.

It's called Grizzly Man. Yeah. A guy that lived amongst the grizzly bears. I never watched that because it was just so sad that the guy got mauled because he loved him so much and like believed he was a bear he was kind of like michael jackson with children yeah where you were like he's in love with bears in a way like it was creepy you know like he's a guy yeah what'd you say like he's like how michael jackson thought he was a little kid yeah Yeah, and just was like, I just like being around children. Children.

How does Kyle Dunn again do the impression? Children. Children. Children. No, he does it with a T. Children. So, yeah, the grizzly man, I just always remember hearing that

that documentary ends with his girlfriend. They were like, we're gonna to get rid of the footage. We're going to destroy the footage because no one ever needs to see this man like eaten alive because he would set up cameras. And so they have his mauling like on camera. And before they destroy the footage, they put a video on her of her like listening to it. And she's just like listening with headphones. And she's just like, I can't. And, like, takes them off.

And so I've watched that. I like morbid shit like that. You know what? I feel like watching people watch things other than watching them myself. I like the director and producer going, you know, I don't know how this is going to end. I don't know if we're going to,

I don't know if he's going to, like, run around. Like, how are we going to end this? And then he's like, I got it. I got it. I got it. I'll get mauled to death. Yeah, he gets mauled to death. And they're like, so last night we got our ending. We got it.

We're wrapped on production because, oh, is John sleeping in today? Sort of. So, you know how yesterday he was like alive? Well, today so tragic. Let's just say we got it. Let's go take a quick break and then come back with Why Do I Care?

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now,

Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my dog.

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It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager, responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was

feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like,

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Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. All right, Andrew. I'm Doug's... Wait, what's that guy's name? I'm Doug Zeus. And this year's Bart the...

Andrew, let's get to... Why do I care? Why do I care? Oh, Bart. JoJo Siwa will make dancing with the stars history as the first female contestant to be paired with a female dancer hello who's her partner um we don't know yet let me see i don't it hasn't been announced i'm guessing guessing Lindsay Arnold. Brittany, maybe Brittany. That's really exciting. JoJo came out as lesbian.

No, I'm just kidding. What? We could take that out. What'd you say? I go, if this show couldn't get any gayer. No, that's fine. Leave that in. That's appropriate.

But yes, who would you have picked on your season if you could dance with a girl that was a little less hairy than Gleb? Oh, man. Gleb was pretty beautiful. Like, probably Sharna. Because she's a winner and, like, really scary. and i would probably need someone to kind of scare me or maybe uh whitney because she actually was nice so no i take that back she was nice but jojo siwa i love her she came out she was like you know she's like that um girl with blonde hair that wears like ponytails ponytails and just wears weird things in her hair.

And is just so upbeat and fun and wears sparkles and stuff. And now she's gay and she's loving life and I'm just really happy for her. And yeah, Dancing with the Stars, they're talking about the season coming up and speculating about who's being paired with who. It's a big top secret. And it's just like, who cares? I'll tell you what. Honestly, like, who cares? I'll tell you what.

Dancing with a man, I never thought I would love it. But then I danced with Gleb when he taught us our dance. And within seconds i knew i had a little inkling of what you went through for a month and your boy was there was a chub going on in my pain i mean i was turned on by this man this man are you serious like you felt you you really were like wow this guy's powerful and like hot yeah it was hot it was kind of hot like he's a sexy man he's like it's it's hard to uh argue that it's like a sexy like rottweiler you know like i'm i was very like uh impressed by the

strength and the beauty like yeah i could i could acknowledge like that it was hot you know even though i wasn't like wanting to bang them well that's the thing is like dancing is such a sexual and like intimate thing. So much touching, so much like rubbing and dipping and all those and fucking what that you like you could be attracted to any anyone teaching you dancing because it's just you spend so much time. I feel like you could fall in love with anyone if you just cuddle with them all day. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like I would want to be.

Girl, guy, anything. You could have a physical attraction. Especially if they're physically perfect. Yeah, it's not gay to fully spoon with a man, is it? Like, without sexual touch, just be held by a man and petted i don't think so i don't know i mean i think most i think we would be uncomfortable with that most straight men would be uncomfortable with that because of society saying that it's wrong but like no i think cuddling is like something that we started doing and like doing to stay warm.

Yeah, I hug my guy friends all the time. What? Yeah, a good hug from my guy friends that are bigger to me and I could get in his nook. It's great. I'll get right in there, that little nook. I love it, man. I do love hugs. Yeah, dude, hugs are great.

I love a good hug where you just don't want to let go. Yeah, but it's rare that I like – I often feel about hugs the way I feel about massages. Like this person doesn't want to hug as long as I want to, so I like give up quicker. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, they don't want to do this. But maybe it's like me. Like I remember Amy Schumer wrote – when she was writing her memoir, she wrote a bunch of things about her friends. She wrote chapters about her friends, and she sent them to us.

And this didn't make her book, but it told me something about myself. And she was like, Nikki needs to be hugged, but she'll let go before she wants to. Or something like that. And I was like, whoa. I didn't know that about myself. thought i was like really like she's like nikki is is loving and like loves to be hugged and like wants it but she will always let go before she would like to and i was like damn girl you just diagnosed me like a decade before i could diagnose myself with that kind of shit man that was that was a foreshadowing yeah totally and and i need a bart the bear that will just maul me intermittently i am like bart the bear like i'll just sit next to you and then

go i want it and then i'll back away and then i'll bite your head i wonder if that doug zeus is still alive should we recreate that we should recreate it oh my god that would be so funny if we did it like scene like frame for frame of like the exact same kind of mauling and you like bite my head we gotta get to top one bottom one today's segment top one bottom one what's the category noah We know it's not song lyrics. Today's category is something you did for yourself recently. All right. This is a good one. Something you did for yourself recently, which you only think of as like in a positive way.

Like, oh, I did something for myself. That's good. Do you guys want to kick us off? With or top you do this every week we've never once started with top ever i know i thought you would left turn it you thought i'd bart the barrett and just bottom I would say, uh, Hmm. I would say bottom. Uh,

what did I do recently? Not pull out the rack. Yeah. I would say the rack thing. I would say I had a trouble getting that pizza out, which no, honestly, what, what's the worst thing you did for yourself this week?

Um, or recently, I think just like, God, I can't. Can Noah go first? I had a top ready to go. Yeah, I thought you were ready. That's why. I'm sorry. Oh, you were stalling by going bottom or top. That was you stalling, even though you knew the answer.

You bastard. I think this might be my bottom. What's your bottom thing? I think it just was just now. Yeah, just now is not preparing for the segment. That works. Oh, no, no. Blowing my dog, Hubert.

Oh, God. Yeah, tip of your tongue. I can't believe you forgot that. I know. I'm an idiot. And then is your top swallowing your dog's cock you know what jesus christ i will say that i was cuddling luigi yesterday and like really like having a moment because he just like seemed so like sad and i was just like come here you want to be held and i just gave him like a

hug and we were laying on the ground and like he was really just like i was laying on my back on the ground he was on me like like and his i put my like shoulder up so he could rest his head. And I was just like, I love you, buddy. And I was just like having, just giving him my time. Cause I'm always distracted on a phone playing guitar. And he never like gets just like concentrated time. No distractions, not watching TV, just staring at the wall, holding my dog, saying, I love you, kissing his head.

And then I got up and he had a raging boner and i was like i don't know if i like his lipstick was out so far i haven't even seen his lipstick for so long he was like legit turned on you guys and then i gave him blue balls because i was not in the mood. You're such a thief. Sorry. You know about the time I made my dog come, right? Yeah. Come again? One time I was holding him during a podcast.

This was when I had a podcast called Not Safe for my Not Safe show, and he was sitting in my lap. He got a lipstick, and saint germain and brian frangie my co-hosts were like gross luigi's lipstick is out i was just like guys shut up his penis sheath it has a larger hold than most dogs so it slips out more often that's what the vet told me um and they were like gross we i don't want to look at that thing and i'm just like okay fine so i took luigi's paw and i like tapped around it because I thought I could spook it back in if I like tapped around you know what I mean

like it would just go back in because it was like being threatened by a paw and so I took his own paw and then he ejaculated Andrew I'm not kidding you white stuff came out of Luigi's penis and we all saw it and I jacked my own dog off with his own paw

have you told this on stage yeah it's awful wait but he did come all over my tits just like i like it this is a true story and it happened live on a podcast i think it still exists you can hear it you would have thought like like a dog doesn't like, did you think like, you know when a dog chases its own tail because it doesn't realize it's his own tail? You were trying to make this dog think like his own claw wasn't his own claw. You know what I mean? He's not going to be afraid of his own hand.

Yeah, I taught him how to masturbate essentially. You know, the guy that stabbed me, his dog, would blow itself. Some dogs blow themselves to completion. I mean, I think they just lick their junk. Maybe it's for sexual pleasure, but they're probably cleaning it. I mean, he cleaned it until stuff came out. I mean, not every dog cleans his penis. That's like a thing.

Okay, what's the least good thing you did for yourself lately noah listen to this conversation produce this podcast not cut us off from talking about blowing our dogs um try to submit positive topics only oh yeah i mean jesus i knew that was funny you were like today's a show where it's only going to be positive i tried I knew that was going to go. Oh yeah, that was funny. You were like, today's a show where it's only going to be positive. I tried. It led to us talking about insect incest. Okay, go on.

All right. So just thinking of something recently, I just had a day where I only ate Funyuns and nothing else. What? And I know that it was wrong. Like it just is what your body was craving? Yeah. Or it was just what you had around and you were lazy? I was, like, it was after being, like, really sick,

and I'm just like, I only want to eat Funyuns. And I just ate Funyuns. Sometimes, like, it would bother me. I think Andrew might do that because it's the only thing he has around and he doesn't want to walk to the store but like if that's what your body was craving no problem with it because i think that that's we just need to intuitively eat and be like what does my body want like there was something about salty like tangy dry crunchy that you needed like Like your body was like. How much Funyuns did you have in the house?

Like that's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That is a lot. Yeah, I had a couple of large bags. I've never had a Funyun, I don't think. Whoa. Because they always remind me of onions as a kid. And then once I get to adult age, I don't like snack food and like highly caloric fried things. What did your fiance think of that breath of yours after a day of Funyuns?

It had to be intense. No comment. Funyuns all day. That's a great answer. Would you ever put Funyuns around Avi's penis and then bite them off? Would they fit? I don't even know how much

a Funyun, like a ring of a Funyun is. It depends which one. Really? Do you like Funyuns, Andrew? I'm not afraid of Funyuns they weren't my number one even close but i liked them when i ate them i like a a disgusting food like fun you will literally eat anything in front of you i'm not kidding like it's one of the things about you that i just find so perplexing is that you will just you'll settle for anything. Yeah, if it's there, macaroni salad, any kind of mayonnaise salad.

Oh, oh, oh. I would rather eat a scorpion than an egg salad or like a mayonnaise-y potato salad. Like any kind of those salads that aren't salads. We are so different yet so alike in so many ways, man. I mean, that is the grossest thing those egg salad egg salads anything that's at a barbecue as a side is deviled eggs or even on the you probably hate deviled eggs boy deviled eggs are legit my least favorite food what about a ham salad i was with my friend last night and he got deviled eggs at whole foods to like eat like for

dinner like we were getting like just dinner snacks he got night, and he got deviled eggs at Whole Foods to eat for dinner. We were getting just dinner snacks. He got whole foods at Deviled Eggs, and I was like, do you know that's the number one food that if you know – I don't eat it because I'm vegan, but if I weren't, I would – it's my fear factor food. I would rather eat a grub out of a log than a deviled egg, and that's an exaggeration, but not much. Yeah, well, I don't know. Slimy, mayonnaise-y. Okay, Andrew, what's the worst thing you did for yourself? Probably hear you not like deviled eggs.

How many times are we going to do this joke where we talk about the thing is the worst thing that just happened? We can skip Andrew and go right to Nikki. Yeah, what is your bottom, Nick? Reading Reddit comments. I mean, 100%. that just happened. We can skip Andrew and go right to Nikki. Yeah, what is your bottom, Nick? Uh, reading Reddit comments. I mean, 100%.

Oh. Like, just seeing a thing that I didn't like and going like, let me just click and read and see what it is and then like,

not being able to stop. Like, that was self-harm in a way that like, I've, is just, you can't, there's,

there's, I don't mean to be like you. No one can understand, but there's so few people out there. And I and honestly, I'm on the low spectrum of it in terms of like Noah sent me a Monica Lewinsky TED talk. And I was like, oh, my God, I wanted to like hurt myself yesterday based on all the or, you know know on Thursday when you're listening to this when I was reading all or Wednesday night when I was reading all of the these things about me I like was compelled to like I know this

sounds terrible and I'm sorry to disclose this but I wanted to like cut myself and I like was looking for some like I was thinking about where can I cut myself on my body that's why you wanted the pizza slicer. Fucking asshole. Every time I get vulnerable, you got to come in with some little quip.

And yes, it would make my life a lot easier. I'm sure people have cut themselves. But I was. I was starting to think of like, where on my body can I cut myself? And I've only cut myself one time in my life when I got caught shoplifting, and I just felt like I was the worst person in the world because this woman screamed at me. And I, like, you know, like, when I feel like I'm a bad person and there's proof of it, which I read a lot of proof the other day, I was just like, you need to be punished.

Like, there's no – you can't go to jail for this. You can't – like, no one's going to yell at you. None of your friends are going to yell at you about it. Like, and the punishment was that, you know, like why can't that be enough? My, I used to say this to my therapist one time. I spilled water on my computer. I've given this example a lot, but it might help some people because it helped me. I spilled water on my brand new computer.

Just had opened it. I'm not even kidding. You like took it out of the thing. And then within 10 minutes spilled an entire glass of water that was sitting next to it on it. And I was, I had to go do a set. I didn't even have time. I like, you know, was drying it out and I was on my way to my set and I walked by a dog and I was dying for this dog to bite me because I was just like, you need to be punished for what you've just done. Like you're such an idiot. And, um, I told my therapist that and she was like, isn't dying for this dog to bite me because I was just like you need to be punished for what you've just done like you're such an idiot and um I told my therapist that and she was like isn't the punishment losing your computer isn't that enough like losing that screen time like that's a

punishment like that people dole out as like you don't get your computer anymore I'm like oh that makes sense so wasn't the punishment enough like reading these things that hurt me. So wasn't the punishment enough? Like reading these things that hurt me, but I didn't cut myself. I, I did find some scissors and I was thinking about where I could do it. And then I was like, I went at my like ward on my like thing again on my knee. But that wasn't that when I cut that, that is not like me trained to self harm.

And so it just wasn't doing the trick. And so I, um, so I just like, I put it down and I was, I'd called a friend and then I, and then I slept next to the scissors. And so I just like, I put it down and I called a friend. And then I slept next to the scissors, not even knowing that, like I forgot about them. They were there. And then the next morning I was like, oh my God, I can't believe you grabbed scissors to like hurt yourself.

But that's, and I'm only sharing that because it's such a rare thing. I haven't done that since I was 18 or 19 and got caught shoplifting. So if you do self-harm, and then, you know, last year I like punched myself and like sometimes I want to hurt myself. Where did you punch yourself? In the face and chest and like just like I was so depressed last year

and like aided myself so much I didn't want to punch my face because I was scared it would like leave a mark and people would see it. So I was just like beating up my body. I mean like this, I'm kind of fucked up you guys and like please don't write mean things about me i like can't take it but the

thing is i'm not gonna do that anymore and i didn't cut myself i called a friend because i know that that's not how i want to behave and like what i want to be and i don't have any place to go like you when you cut yourself like there's people are gonna see it i don't have any place to go. When you cut yourself, people are going to see it. I don't want to leave injuries on myself. Unless it's a wart on your knee. What? Except for my knee, but that's for a wart excision, and that's different.

Noah, what's the best thing you can do for yourself? If you had warts all over your body, you'd be so happy. Yeah, if you start seeing just warts that I'm like, no, they're just lines in multiple segments on my wrist you should start being speculative Noah what's the best thing you did for yourself top one uh top one recently uh so there's a lot of things about a house that I don't know and that I have to take care of and when I speak to people on the phone, like, or, you know, like if they come down like landscapers or whatever, they can say whatever to me. And I would just be like, yeah, sure,

whatever you say. And I started to feel kind of like, okay, I don't like being in this like dark room with no light or, you know, like, like just not knowing. So I went to the bookstore and I got a book on like homes and like learning about like foundations and pipes and stuff like that. Really? Yeah. Wow, girl, that's amazing. Yeah. So I found that and I browsed some other books. I got a really good book on mentoring using the book of Tao, which I really liked reading a couple of years ago.

So I'm just trying to kind of look away from my phone and negative comments, which I look at too. They're not about me because I'm not famous or anything, but I just get like sucked into this vortex of negativity on social media. So I'm trying to like read more books and just kind of empower myself with as much information as I can retain. Yes, I love that. Books are like, they really do make you get off your phone if it's like a physical book. And like, they open

you up to a world that yeah, reading is is the best escape. really is it's and then you can you just cut yourself with paper cuts um no but it's true like reading is so good and I downloaded the book yesterday um so you've been publicly shamed by John Ronson about people that have been canceled or you know and I felt yesterday or the other yeah yesterday that I had been like I was on the verge of like these people that were writing were the same kinds of people that cancel people and want to destroy their lives like these people actively wanted me to try to like they were cyber bullying me and like in a way that like they they knew that it would could potentially make me like harm myself

it was it was definitely I think you'll get a lot out of Monica Lewinsky's TED talk. It's called the price of shame. And she talks about public humiliation. Yeah. I think it'll be. I know I when I was I didn't finish this up. But when you sent that and I go, wow, if if what happened to me has sent me for that kind of loop where I like reach for fucking scissors. What could have Monica Lewinsky have dealt with when she was 22?

And how much hate and how much ridicule she got. No one was on that woman's side. No one. And if she survived it, I can survive some Reddit comments. And she didn't have a forum back then to get her point across. I know she didn't have any. Yeah, that's the hard part. That woman, I would love to meet her someday.

And, like, yeah, she's incredible. She's truly, what a survivor she is. And, like, we all, including myself, I used to, like, think she was, you know, like, I used to have preconceived notions about her. And now I think she is a true American hero. Andrew, best thing you did for yourself? I traded in my golf clubs for better clubs. First, they were a little expensive, and I didn't think I deserved them.

And I said, you know what? You deserve love, and it comes with a pitching wedge through four iron. And, boy, was I happy about the investment, hitting them on the range. And it's just, I don't know, it just felt good to treat myself a little and feel like I was deserving of it. Yeah. And was it a bad, like, was it an investment that was financially irresponsible for you? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I think it's like, I don't really spend money on a lot of things. I really don't. So I felt like, you know what, this is something you do almost every day. And I'm not going to buy other clubs now for at least three months. So I know. You know know now, you know. Yeah, no, I know. That wasn't even a joke. Yeah, I know.

But no, I switch things up all the time. I do. I do. But I really I really don't spend that much money. So I just felt like I deserved and it felt good to not to let myself do it. So, yeah, I like that. The best thing I did for myself was, I think talk about, as hard as it was,

like talk about how I was feeling yesterday because the outpouring that I got from all the besties and the people that keep sending comments has been, has lifted my spirit so much. I just want to say thank you to everyone final thought uh you I I expected to hear from some of you about how I got emotional yesterday and like to um tell me everything's okay and all that stuff and you know I was like I don't even know if I want to hear that like it might not make me feel better but it truly did so many people wrote including Noah like and uh all my like friends followed up and like really were there for me my darkest time so I really appreciate that and like the besties that you guys don't even

know me and like like you know personally and the things you wrote me were nicer than most people get from their actual friends in life so it's like it's so awesome that I have so many people that that feel that connected to me and that can like make me feel like they're truly they love me and like and feel loved from strangers like that like I felt the the opposite of it and then and you know sometimes you don't let the negative in or the positive in as much as the negative and it's hard to do know sometimes you don't let the negative in or the positive in as much as the negative and it's hard to do that but like I truly like let in the positive and read so many like I you know usually when people send towers of text I can't get through it but

these I really made sure to read all of them and they all you guys are so I go my my fans like and I said this about the red Reddit people that said mean things. They were very articulate and well-spoken, and these things are well-written, all the insults, which is always, it hurts more than when someone's like, you're ugly, and they spell it Y-O-U-R. You know, and I go, oh, well, this person's a moron. It's you are ugly. But these Reddit comments were so, like, well-written. I was like, God, smart people don't like me,

but dude, fuck those smart people who don't like me that can write, you know, intelligible sentences. My besties that wrote me and said nice things were just like so thoughtful and empathetic. And so like, they all seem to be trained in some sort of like trauma therapy.

Like everyone was so compassionate like I just have a horde of support that even if you had one person like this writing to you it would change your entire day I had dozens and they can they keep pouring in and it means so much to me and like I just can't thank you all enough and I didn't expect it and I certainly didn't want to um I didn't want you to feel like you had to do that and so I'm gonna accept it and not say that I don't deserve it I really appreciate it because it makes me feel like um you're getting some the only reason you would ever write the things that you wrote to someone like me is if you cared about that person and so I feel really cared about by just strangers and it's like it's just the best

feeling and someone wrote to me that someone who had said that my ADD meds were ruining my personality and like someone needs to tell her blah blah she's on cocaine that they did a deep dive on their Reddit account, and that person's a recovering heroin addict. So projection, it is. Like, what I thought it was, and listen, I talked to my doctor, and I'm coming up with a plan, so all of this made me, like, face some things, for sure. But it's nice to know, like, I wasn't going to go on a Reddit deep dive and, like, search their accounts to see what other things they had posted about, things for sure but it's nice to know like I wasn't gonna go on a reddit deep dive and like search their accounts to see what other things they had posted about but someone did that for me

and that just gave me so much relief knowing that that person that said all those ugly things about my being medicated um said that you know that person was a recovering heroin addict and I'm sorry for that person like they've been through a lot and they're projecting it onto me which you know fucking happens I talked to my therapist yesterday I don't that was a thing that like so grateful getting back into therapy that was something that Noah steered me towards and was like like had mentioned about like picking up the I was gonna say phone but my computer and emailing my therapist that I kind of called it quits with or like went on a hiatus with getting hiatus with getting her back on the line talking to her yesterday was awesome and I just therapy works reaching being honest and reaching out and asking

for help works um if it's the right people so please do that in your own lives and um and yeah I someone mentioned to me that was like you know I found that when I talk about I I understand like being really insecure about the stigma of being on ADD meds and like people will judge you for it but they only will judge you if they know that you're on them so just don't tell people that you're on them anymore so right now I'm choosing to keep that to myself. And if I'm on them or not is not going to be, I'll probably admit to you if I am or I'm not, but I'm going to try to keep that private. Like my choices of medication are none of anyone's business, but my own. And, you know, my loved ones will be the ones that notice a change in me and like

can talk to me if something is wrong. And I't need to hear it from you know ex-drug addicts on reddit who are like and art someone goes most people are just jealous you feel good like the people want to feel good too and they're jealous and you can say no i'm not jealous i do that all the time too where i go i'm not jealous i'm just mad it's like no no, look at where this is coming from. And if you see me with a boner, just know that I might still be on Viagra, but I might not be. I just want everyone to know that it's up in the air. My boner could just be from Hubert drinking a bowl.

It could be from the time that I cuddled you next to luigi yes said you're a good boy and you just you know sometimes that's arousing as we know from my but that's for me yesterday that's for me okay so i might have taken too many milligrams of viagra that i injected through the vein in my penis to get it going. Thanks for keeping it sincere, Andrew. Love you so much. Love you. And guys, thank you for listening to the podcast as always. Oh, it is Friday here, but it's Monday here.

We'll be back tomorrow. I think Andrew will be in studio with me. We'll both be together again. We'll recap his trip to Connecticut. We'll re-trip my trip to Las Vegas. And I can't wait for it. Thank you so much. Don't be cuh out there. And Jackpot!

Jackpot! podcast join late night legend john stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts