The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #95 That's My Purpose

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

Between you and Nikki there's a rainbow at the end of a storm. Andrew asks Nikki for her origin story, in which she shares all the drama from drama class and that she was not a class clown. You Heard it Here First: Unexpected pranks are not boring after all, stay cool if your credit card declines and YES! We would totally watch a queer version of The Batchelor. In Finish My Sentence, Nikki and Andrew guess each other's regrets and in the Final Thought Nikki is searching for a deeper meaning in her work. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hey, everyone. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh thinking. Shout out to all my besties who just, you know, sometimes when you think it's the worst, the best comes from it. There's a rainbow at the end of the storm is all I want to say for how grateful I am for the outpouring of support and love that I got from my emotional, you know, moments last week, yesterday, or on Monday, I guess, too. I didn't cover it yesterday on the show. And I wanted to make sure to, I think I wrote back to almost everyone who wrote me. Because it was like an, and almost all of you said, I know you're getting so many of these, you don't need to write back. And sometimes I do hear that. And I just like it. And I'm like, Oh, thanks for that person. But in this situation, I took the time to write back because, boy, you know, I just have to say like, it's just a nice reminder that truly like the worst moments in life. And if you think back to all the worst moments in your life and maybe maybe this isn't true. And I and I and I've been lucky enough to not go through some really hard times.

But like there's always some kind of silver lining that you can find. And I found it very quickly in this one with the just the amount of people that I just felt so supported and I felt really good about myself because I you don't you don't do you don't write to people the way these people wrote to me unless you care about them and I just felt like oh my god I have I I or it made me feel good that I have made you feel like you're that close to me and because you are even though we don't know each other you know what I'm saying like it's I know that me and because you are, even though we don't know each other, you know what I'm saying? Like it's, I know that feeling. And, um, cause I was just talking actually to someone yesterday about it, Noah, about how I'm so glad we do this show daily. And I love morning radio shows. Like I, part of my morning routine is when I, uh, you know,

either putting on stern, it used to be Stern, and I'm always a Stern head, but I have a close friend that's on a local radio show here. And now I'm like obsessed with his morning radio show. It's called The Courtney Show. They do a podcast. If you want like some fun, you know, I'm not trying to like, you know, get us competition, but it's just a show I listen to every morning in St. Louis, and they have a podcast of it. And it's just a show I listen to every morning in St. Louis and they have a podcast of it and it's just so fun and I learn so much and I just feel I feel like they're my friends and I used to have that with Adam Carolla show um when he was with Teresa Strasser and Danny Bonaduce it was like this weird run where they were together maybe like a year and

a half maybe two years on the radio in LA. And I was babysitting and every day I would have to drive from the Valley to Brentwood for this woman who would just be there the whole time. And like, man, I get it that parents just want to work from home and sometimes have the nanny in the next room. It's so much more annoying when you're still there, when you're nannying,

because the kids know you're there and they can always just go find the parents anytime you don't give them what they want or that or like you hit them or something and they don't like it i'm just kidding i did kick maude apatow in the or not maude iris apatow in the face one time and judd was home i used to babysit for judd apatow's kids and judd was home one time and uh it was one of those circumstances where he was just like having like you know lunch meetings with people in the in the West Wing or whatever section of their house. And I remember like accidentally kicking Iris in the face because I was doing a I was trying to beat Maude in a swim competition. I was like competitive with Maude. Maude was so funny and didn't really like believe that I like,

she just didn't like, she was like, you shouldn't be babysitting. Like she was kind of just like, I'm smarter than you. Like kind of that attitude. And she was right. Like I was like a mess at that point in my life.

And I think she just kind of like saw through me. But I remember she was like, challenged me to a swim off. And I was like, I'm going to show you who's boss now, girl. And I kicked off the wall and did a breaststroke kick, which you know that kick, you know, you know, the one and my heel Iris was behind us being like, I'll watch you guys.

And I was like, yeah. And I didn't know she was going to like be right behind us. And I just bam right in her eye socket and was like, obviously lost the race because I had to tend to the child. So Maude won again. But no, I just remember like she's screaming and I'm like, oh my God, babe, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? And she was just like, and she runs out of the pool and I'm like, oh no. And she runs off to get her dad and which I would have done too. And he was so nice. I'll never done too and he was so nice I'll never forget how nice he was and he was just like you know because she's like Nikki catch me in

the face and he was just like very understood he like made it you know he was very nurturing to her feelings while also not making me feel like I was like this demon babysitter like hand that rocks the cradle kind of like uh and you know what like it was just he just handled it perfectly and it was my biggest fear for him to ever be inconvenienced by my like lack of babysitting skills so he was very cool about it and uh but yeah I used to babysit every day for this woman in Brentwood this before Apatow's and oh my god I did not like her and her kid they used to babysit every day for this woman in Brentwood. This was before Epitaphs. Oh my God, I did not like her and her kid. They used to watch this show called the, oh my God, what is it called?

The only thing I got from this babysitting experience was there was this show that had animals. I mean, that is not narrowing it down. It was a beautiful intro song to this kid's show, I bet parents listening are like oh yeah there's some kind of songs I do like like baby shark we're all done with but sometimes there's a little jingle that you're like that's so soothing they kind of nailed it or it was called oh my god it was like these these animals it was like um oh I'm gonna find it'm going to look for it on the break because I can't even begin to sing it. It's like, we're the Backyardigans, Backyardigans. Noah, will you pull up the Backyardigans theme song? It's so cute and beautiful and soothing.

But that's the only good thing I got from that gig. But I would always drive there every morning over the hill, about a 45-minute drive. I would get excited when there was traffic because it would be more Teresa, and uh what's his name in the morning Danny Bottaducci it was so fun that was my first time I was like I'm obsessed with this like gang and they're my friends wait did you find the backyard again get ready it's like this magical world and it's like these animals all singing in harmony and it's so soothing and I think it's what you hear when you get to heaven I think it'll be what I hear when I get to heaven I mean all they do is just explore the backyard okay this is a little bit more haunting than I remember this is kind of maybe what you're gonna hear when you get to hell wait this this harmony. More, more with your friends

the backyard again. The backyard again. Oh, that last part. I don't know what's so soothing about it. I just love it. Is there any children's songs, Noah, that stand out to you? Like for children's TV shows.

I had the Elephant Show. There was Eureka's Castle there was eureka's castle eureka's castle you would have loved eureka's castle i feel like you are eureka's castle do you know that show really no i don't and i don't know what i mean by you are eureka's castle but like there's something about eureka's i think you maybe remind me of eureka i don't know but that was a great puppet show muppet show wait what shows did you watch as a little kid? I watched Muppet Babies. Oh, I mean, if we're going to talk about classic theme songs.

Muppet babies will do the same for you. When your world is kind of weird and you wish that you weren't there. Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be any. It's so, I love, that one's a good one. It's like a doo-wop 50s one. Nanny, you never see her face. Yeah, you remember when they used to open that closet door and it would be another dimension?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That was awesome. I loved Fraggle Rock. I loved The Elephant Show. Do you remember that Skinnamarinky-inky Dink Skinnamarinky Doo? That was a weird one. That was like a Canadian one that was – I think Nickelodeon bought the rights to.

Sorry to have this nostalgia bomb right now. But yeah, I used to always just listen to that morning radio show on the way to that stupid job. Oh, man. I think one of my biggest regrets in life was I hooked up with a guy that I really liked and I just was hung over and like didn't want to go to that job. I was in Venice at his place and I remember calling and lying to the woman or texting the woman and lying and saying I had an audition and I couldn't make it. And I was like I was supposed to be there in like a half hour, you know, like real shitty and lied. And I remember her being like, this isn't cool. Like we rely on you.

And I was like, I mean, I really should probably try to find a way to reach out to that woman and apologize because that was a straight up lie. You don't need to lie, you know? You know what it could, you know, in that circumstance now, if I was hung over in bed with a dude, just didn't want to go and I said I was going to go, first of all, I think I would just go now because I realize that you got to do that. But if I really didn't want to go, I would just say I drank too much last night.

I'm really ashamed to tell you this. I feel like hell today and I would not be the best for your kids. Can I please possibly find a friend to replace me that would be, you know, that won't hit them as much as I do. No, I am making these jokes about the hitting because one time I did babysit a kid and we had a tickle fight because that's what she wanted to do and uh I like I mean my sister when we would have tickle fights we would like pin each other down and like go like I would like get both of her like uh arms pinned with my knees I mean it was almost sexual uh it kind of really there's a lot of um gray area between tickling and this kind of sub-genre I watch of porn called forced orgasms.

And I'm really sorry to go from kids to like, I'm not trying to do that. But there's something fetishy about tickling. And I would never have crossed those wires with this kid. But I think that some of my like being tied down and like forced to do things, there's a tickle element to it, even though I hate tickling and I would never want that. And whenever I see porn with tickling,'m like who the hell wants this anyway I was tickling this girl and you know how with kids it'll go from like they're laughing to like they're like they hate it in like one second and again that can happen with sex where you're like safe word like

and it's just like and I stopped immediately because she said pineapple or whatever the safe word was um she started like I realized like she she said pineapple or whatever the safe word was. She started like – I realized like she wasn't laughing. She was crying. And she was like embarrassed. I think that like she was like – that I like dominated so much because like, yeah, I'm like a tickle fight champion. And I was like not an adult. I was probably like 16.

And I remember when her parents got – she wouldn't talk to me the rest of the time. I was like, I'm so sorry. She's so mad. Her parents got home and she was like, Nikki hit me. And I was like, it was just kind of my word against hers. And like, you gotta believe the kid or at least like honor that they're saying that even if they are making it up.

So I think the parents were just kind of like, okay, we'll deal with this, but like not happy with me. And I was like, we were tickling. And I guess I went too long. I didn't know. But I wrote a joke about it that I used to do that said, you know, a girl, I was tickling her and I totally won because I like smoked her, dude.

I was like way bigger. So of course she's such an idiot to challenge me. I was like doing this character. And they pinned her down and I was tickling her and then she started freaking out and I stopped immediately. And then her parents came home and she was like, she, she hit me. And I was like, I did not hit her. It was a tickle fight. And they were like, you know what? We're just going to choose to believe our daughter and we're not going to need to use you anymore. And I was like, okay. And so then I hit the girl. Cause I'm like, listen, if you're going to think I got,

I hit her. I want to get one in. And that was my joke. But no, I, um, I actually, I'm like, listen, if you're going to think I hit her, I want to get one in. And that was my joke. But no, I actually, I think I, that girl is like 25 now or something. It's just ridiculous. And she still has those rug burns from that tickle fight to this day. I want to quickly address before we get Andrew in here. A bestie wrote me and said, do I have any advice for going to one of my shows alone? And let me say this. Let's get other besties who are going to shows alone to,

I don't know, maybe add us on your stories. And fanthrox, they could leave us a voicemail. Great. If you're going to one of my upcoming shows alone, you could fanthrox us. You could add us in our stories at nikki glazer pod and we'll repost it in the stories and we'll um we'll maybe hook you up but if listen if you can't find another bestie which that's almost like more scary meeting a

stranger than um than just going alone i would say make friends with people next to you like and maybe you're you maybe you have social anxiety that doesn't come easy to you. So a girl who's going to my upcoming show alone. Let's say you get in your seat and there's people next to you. Because I've gone to Wilco shows alone, a lot of shows alone,

and I felt what you're feeling before where it's like people are going to think I couldn't find anyone. They're going to think I got stood up for a date. They're going to think I have no friends. They're going to think I'm like a weirdo that's going to like murder Nikki. Because who goes to a show alone except like to assassinate, you know, you don't really bring a friend to go assassinate. That's why they

don't let people go see that, um, big thing in the Hudson yards anymore. That big, um, you know, that weird complex, people kept jumping off it and killing themselves. So now they've made it. So you cannot go alone or something. What the Oculus is called. Yes. I think that's what it's called, but it's interesting because they have I think that's what it's called. But it's interesting because they have a sign up now that you cannot buy a ticket to go up in it as one person. You have to go with two because guess who never kills themselves? Someone who has a friend. So I don't mean to – well, this took a downward spiral swing.

But if you're going to my show alone, you are – if you've even bought the ticket and like aren't sure if you can even go because it's so scary to you, but you bought that one ticket, that means you have it in you to do this. And I really believe in you and I've done it before too. You can do this. Go alone, sit there. Make conversation with the people next to you.

If they look at you weird, if you have a feeling they're looking at you weird, say, I'm here alone. Have you ever heard Nikki say that people should go to shows alone? All my friends were working and couldn't afford it. It's just like, I just had to go. Will you guys be my friends? You know, anyone going to my show is going to be like, yeah, girl. In fact, oh my God, I went to see Dave Chappelle alone in 2002 or three, my first comedy show ever. I wasn't

even doing comedy yet. You guys, I just started thinking about doing comedy so my friend had just this is how i got into comedy everyone was telling me i should be a comedian my freshman year of uh college sorry i'm talking so fast slow it down if you want to but i gotta get through this before we get bringing in do so everyone's telling me i should do stand-up comedy i eventually my friend walked into my room and was like you're doing this and she had a flyer that said like my actually my friend still has the flyer she sent a picture of it to me it was like March 16th and it was like uh you know at Old Main on University of Colorado Boulder campus stand-up showcase and I was she was like you're doing this and I was like all right so I signed up for it and I was signed up for it and I was like fuck I don't even know what this is I don't

even watch stand-up comedy like I've seen the greats and stuff, but what the hell? So I Googled stand-up comedy Denver because it was near enough. Then I saw this guy Dave Chappelle. Mind you, this is 2003. This is before Chappelle's show. I hadn't seen Half Baked. I didn't know who this guy was. I look him up and I go, that's the guy from You've Got Mail.

I love that guy. Kathleen Kelly. Kathleen Kelly. He's the guy on the treadmill next to Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail. And he's the one that sees Kathleen Kelly at the cafe and knows that it's Kathleen Kelly who Tom Hanks is talking to before Tom Hanks goes. And he goes up to the window and he's like, you know, and Tom Hanks is like, what does she look like? goes up to the window and he's like, you know, um, and Tom Hanks is like, what does she look like? What do you see her? And he's like, you know, she's got the same coloring as that, uh, that Kathleen Kelly girl. And he goes, all right, Kathleen Kelly, she's a good looking girl. Okay. All right. And he goes, you know, he goes, yeah, I'll take that. He goes,

cause, um, let me tell you, man, if you, if you don't like the way Kathleen Kelly looks, you're not going to like this girl. And he goes, yeah, no, Kathleen Kelly's beautiful that. He goes, because let me tell you, man, if you don't like the way Kathleen Kelly looks, you're not going to like this girl. And he goes, yeah, no, Kathleen Kelly is beautiful. And he goes, because it is Kathleen Kelly. And then he looks in, and he's like, and Dave Chappelle, oh, man, it's just so, Dave Chappelle is so good, and then he's so funny. I went to go see Dave Chappelle for the first time as a stand-up because of You've Got Mail. I think I might be the only person in history who was a Dave Chappelle fan because of You've Got Mail. I think I might be the only person in history who was a Dave Chappelle fan

because of You've Got Mail and nothing else. And I went to Denver as a freshman in college. I took like four buses because I was broke as fuck. In the inner city, it was in this part of Denver that I was the only white person. And I'm only saying that because it was true. And I'm not kidding you. I was one of the only white people at the show,

if not the only one. It was like one of his block parties there were people dancing on stage I mean it was not a classical stand-up show but I went in and I made friends with other people there because they saw that I was alone and they adopted me in and I felt like I made friends at the show so I've been you and people like being kind to people who are alone and especially someone who's taking a chance like that so just just straight up be be your bravest self I know you have social anxiety you can do this every like I was saying on the you're not special to think and I'm not talking to you bestie who wrote in but if you think you have social anxiety and like no I can't do that you could do that but I can't Nikki if have a voice, you have an able body,

you can do this. Say, I'm at the show alone. Nikki always says to go alone, so I did it. I don't know what I'm doing. Will you guys like be my friend? And even if they're like, ew, no, kuh, kuh them and then enjoy the show and look to your left and ask that person.

Because someone will be friends with you, I guarantee it. If they're not, I'll kick them out of my show. You can DM me and say the people next to me were rude. And I'll say, we actually have to ask seat 26 and 27 row C to exit. Because you have COVID. We just found out you have COVID. And I'll kick them out if they're mean to you. Let's bring in Andrew.

Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show. And he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups,

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the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you go to find your podcast. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that

glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeartWomen sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeartWomen Sports. Good morning. It's nice to be back in the same room as you. It's been so long. I missed you. It's been one week since you looked at me.

Sat in the chair and said I'm sorry. Well, no, that's been like three days. I think I apologized to you every other day. Hold me down. Look, think. You make it stop three days. I think I apologized to you every other day. Hold me down. Look, think. You make it stop. Think. You think you're looking that up, man.

I used to want to learn all those words. I mean, that was the first. I wanted to do a bit about it for a while, but the first rapping was that song for me. Oh, yeah. You know, like we didn't. I didn't listen to my parents only exposed me. I only heard the music that was on the radio. And we didn't have a lot of R&B rap like unless you were on that station in St. Louis. St. Louis is, you know, very segregated and like it's that radio station.

And this is the way it used to be and it still is. St. Louis, get your shit together. But, yeah, I listened to Z-107 or whatever the hell it was. Or Alice, 101.1 Alice. I think it was in reference to that book, Go Ask Alice. And she was a druggie. Do you remember that book? Alice in Wonderland, maybe.

Oh, maybe that. Yeah, I think even that, Go Ask Alice, the book was a reference to that. But anyway, yeah, BNL. Was that? No, was that Paranaculated? Paranaculated, yeah. I loved them. I never heard of references BNL. Was that? No, that was. Was that periniculated? Periniculated, yeah. I loved them. I never heard of references BNL.

Well, you know those stickers on cars that people used to have that have like three letters? They're white circles with black, a black ring around the circle, white, and then it would be three black letters that would be like some kind of like DMB or like. FML? Den, Denver or F, yeah yeah but that was before fml people would put them on their cars and it was kind of like a like like kind of like like i like music but i remember my friend huffy had a bnl and so was baronica ladies but um they were so big for like i love them i went to go see them at the keel center i was my first day i had a million dollars my first date was the baronica

ladies okay let's go into that i'm sorry was my first date. If I had a million dollars. My first date was the Barenaked Ladies concert. Wait, okay. Let's go into that. I'm sorry to railroad this, but yeah, if I had a million dollars. Railroad. First date. I didn't even know it was a date. And I only mention this because he is famous.

And you guys know I love dropping someone that people would know. Colin Donnell. And he can maybe argue that it wasn't a date, but it was. And I didn't know it was. How old were you? Probably a sophomore or junior. Did he drive, or were you riding? Yeah, I think he picked me up,

and we went to the Kiel Center, which is now the Sava Center, which is now the, who knows, the fucking Smoothie King, Starbucks Pavilion, AstraVeneca, alarm center. No, but it's

it was Barenaked Ladies and he Colin Donnell is from Chicago Med, I think is the show. Chicago. Oh, so he's a doctor. In the show. He's so hot. Oh my God. He was like the

guy that got on. He was like Beth. So wait, so you're at the concert. It's just you two. The Prince and Into the Woods. What are you doing at the concert? Is he grabbing your hand? Are you listening? No, no.

We were friends. We were in plays together. So I thought we were just like. Well, he starred in it. You were a tree. I mean, and there was. Yeah. I'm not even joking you.

We were in plays together. We were. I was in Into the Woods my freshman year. I was the only freshman in Into the Woods. Guess what? I had one line. Into the Woods is my favorite musical by far. And I'm obsessed with it because I learned so much about it because I was in that show.

And I got in the show because I – a long story. You blew the director. Yeah. I mean I guess it's not that long of a story thank you for giving us the bridge version no that actually it happened with someone at are you serious my drama teacher from my middle school who i did plays with loved me and i won like best best female singer of like best musical performance in a play in eighth grade and so i was like okay i'm set up to to really go into high school

and nail this musical theater thing. Even though I had no training, I was not a dancer, but I was like, that's going to be my thing. I just won this Miltie, which we had little Oscars, and it said best. I still have it because I'm so proud. The one time I was acknowledged as a good singer until Sheila Dugan told my mom I didn't have it.

Oh, my God. That makes me so sad because at one point in your life you didn't have that barrier no i was just saying i won for the best and i was i'm not trying to railroad this back to me but i won a best singer in like sixth or seventh grade and then i just didn't think i could sing again did anyone ever think that you were listening to a podcast of the two best singers of 1997 before they hit puberty i mean that's wild yeah my caretaker used to my caretaker jeffy wait is this just something that your your nanny just threw up a piece of paper and wrote no no she taught me how to sing well she let me drive her truck when i was 12 cutie she was so awesome she was awesome thank god she's like you gotta sing

from your chest dude i'm gonna'm going to take singing lessons. But she ain't wrong. So then you get into the play with this guy. So no, I go to high school. And my drama teacher from middle school goes to replace the high school one with me. So it's almost like I go from eighth grade to ninth grade. And all of a sudden, the guy that loved me and put me in the plays. And I conquered my stage fright in seventh grade with To Kill a Mockingbird.

My dad called. I was so scared. In sixth grade, I was having crippling anxiety, couldn't sleep, insomnia before presentations, shaking in front of the class. Had to go in

and give presentations during recess to the ones in front of the class. I would have a special setup. Why were you shaking though? Do you remember why? My knees would shake so much. A failure?

Afraid of failure? Because that's what I was yeah i wasn't you know who knows what it was but it was it was just like i would start shaking and i couldn't my paper would shake and i would have to memorize what i was going to say so i couldn't hold the paper like teachers need to have more compassion for kids with anxiety and walk and hold their hand through it because that stays with you if you don't conquer it and that's what i was like i was kind of referencing it yesterday or two days ago when I was doing this reality show, which has really made a lot of people face their biggest fear and like a humiliating thing. And once you do that, you can do anything. Like if you really go into the thing you're most scared of and realize that, yes, it was humiliating.

And you do Dancing with the Stars and you get voted off first. Like when I did Dancing with the Stars, I was like know what what's the worst that could happen oh the thing that happened like literally and guess what it was the best so like I thought I thought at least on Dancing with the Stars I'm not gonna get last like I'm gonna do this challenging thing and I'm not gonna be best but like I'm gonna be better than I thought no I was as bad as I thought you know like sometimes you are as bad as you think and And those fears are real. But what is, what isn't real is the fact that you, you're not going to be able to live with yourself after it. And if anything, you realize if I danced on TV, I can do anything. So what I did in seventh grade, and if anyone relates to this out there, I was just actually giving advice

to a bestie who wrote to me saying she was going to go to the show alone. As I always tell people, go to shows alone. If you can't find someone, don't miss out on things in life and she was like do you have any advice because I'm getting nervous about it and I love that she even bought the ticket and that's the thing buy the ticket here's the thing you guys that's what I did in seventh grade and I didn't realize I did it until now so I I really wanted to be in sixth grade I discovered Jennifer Aniston on friends and I like and uh I was starting to get into no it was it was mainly Friends I was like I need to be Jennifer Aniston I found out she was 25 I was like by the time I'm 25 I'm gonna have a sitcom I'm gonna have that haircut I'm gonna be her I'm

gonna wear little crop tops and wear an apron on TV and fall in love with a guy named Ross and everyone's gonna talk about us I had that plan and I was like okay so I have to get over this fear and I couldn't I didn't know what to do because I took a drama class because it was just required. And I ended up in this class. Again, I've never had insomnia in my life. I would stay up for days before it and lose my mind and cry to my parents.

And I remember my mom saying, we are gonna have to take you into something. My parents would always say that before I would just crack and go, okay, I'll do it. Or, cause it was too embarrassing to bring a specialist in you know i talked about the other day mrs pole coming in and confronting me about wetting the bed like being in trouble having a specialist have to like be like yeah you're special i had that for my lisp yeah yeah how did that make did you she only came twice i think she quit because you broke her i broke her yeah yeah

sometimes you well that was her dancing with the stars she goes my biggest fear is having a kid that i can't fix and she did and um she's no longer with us but i i'll keep going because i i have something to say so then i go this is this is my origin story and i i promise i won't cover it again of like because i think this helps people because people don't understand like they probably think i was always a class clown i was always very open and it's just not that i had to conquer this because i knew that the thing that i wanted there was that my biggest fear was standing in the way of the thing i actually wanted and i so many things that i read online about you got to write down your goals and if every day you're not doing things to take a

step to those goals just the tiniest step then what then those aren't your goals then give up on those goals because you're always going to fall short or run into the fear and be like i like it and it's going to it's going i'm gonna be okay i'm gonna live getting voted off dancing with the stars they don't put you they don't behead you i'll live you know my parents will still love me maybe i mean barely after i mean noah saw me freak out in the trailer after i got voted off i wish he would have been there dude it was a meltdown i was in sequins ripping off my eyelashes throwing my mic being like this is bullshit and um and so so yeah it was an ugly showing but so i had this anxiety my mom wanted to go my parents were like for your birthday we're gonna get you like lessons on how mom wanted to go my parents were like for your birthday we're

gonna get you like lessons on how to like be because my parents were both my dad's a performer i think he wanted me to be so bad as well badly and um as soon as they said that thing of like we're gonna bring a specialist in because they also did that for me when i was sleeping on their floor until eighth grade they were like we we don't know what this is a problem nikki and then i was like okay i'll go up in my room like i just don't want anyone else to know about this thing so i auditioned for i signed up to audition for uh to kill a mockingbird it was in seventh grade it was like the you know sixth through eighth grade gets auditioned mr zoth he was my drama teacher he already knew about my anxiety because i had to give a presentation in his class and my

dad like mom already killed a bird so you you're ready. What do you mean? Didn't she already kill Peaky or whatever? Wait, what does the bird have to do? What was your bird? To kill a mockingbird. Oh, to kill a mockingbird. Oh my god, yeah, she killed a parakeet. Yeah, so you're ready. Oh, that happened in like ninth grade, but yeah, it was foreshadowing. Oh my god,

that's so funny. So go ahead, sorry. And we had a duck too that she left outside and an owl took its life. And now I'm suspect of that whole story. Did anyone see that? No, but it was ripped to shreds on our deck. He brought it up to the railing and ripped it apart. That duck's name was, you know the time, you know in like 1998, my mom bought a duck at

like a, you know how your mom buys a duck in 1998 during that time no it was it was during that time when the song on the radio was like played by carlos santana so for whatever reason kirsten the funniest person in the world we were trying to name this duck and carlos was kirsten was like why don't we name it oh its name is carlos and quackers and we just named it carlos and quackers is carlos and quackers and we just named it carlos and quackers so carlos and quackers would just walk around our backyard one night and now we got it um okay so my dad i wanted the audition i told my dad i confessed to him like dad i really want to be in this play and i want to be an actress and i just don't know what to do and the auditions were that day and i was so nervous all day. And you just have to audition.

Everyone would sit in a circle and just get called to the middle of the room and pick up the scripts and read it and then sit down. Brutal. I'd never done anything like it. And I go to it and I can't sign up. I just watch and I can't do it. I just can't do it. And afterwards, I'm walking around the school because my friends were all like doing other activities too I was waiting for them and I called my dad from one of like the teacher's phones and I was like I couldn't do it dad I just I can't I was too scared and I and he was like Nick

I really want you to be able to do this and as much as I will talk shit about my dad and and my parents about making wrong decisions in my life and as much as I probably would never want him to do this and I was mortified he called Mr mr zoth my drama teacher and he said my daughter is terrified to you know public speak but she really really wants to audition and be in this play and he said i'm sorry we had the auditions and like that's kind of what this is like if she's scared to do that and i don't know what happened but somehow without an audition mr's oath let me be the understudy of the lead scout the lead the understudy which the understudy if you know one of the seventh graders gets yes chicken pox that so emily herster kate herster's sister kate herster was the best actress i've ever known and i've shouted her out on you up and she's

still acting professionally emily herster was so good actress I've ever known. And I've shouted her out on YouUp and she's still acting professionally. Emily Hurster was so good too, but just didn't take that path. She was scout and she was a seventh grade. She was a sixth grader. I was seventh grader. I was her understudy. And I went to every play practice. And I remember the first time I had to get up and like do the lines and do it.

It was terrifying. But I remember at some point, Mr. Zoth decided that the understudies, which were all the kids that were kind of like not as good, were going to have the Sunday performance. There was Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then the Sunday one performance was the understudies, which is so nice of him. And I remember the feeling of like there is this thing that's coming up that I have to do. I cannot get out of it. I've bought the ticket to the show. Uh, yeah, I can get out of it if I really like I'll regret it forever. If I get out

of it, you know, like the getting out of it, there is an exit strategy, but I'm locked in. I remember staying up at night thinking I've done it. Like that was the scary thing was locking myself in, you know, when you get on a roller coaster and you, it's not scary yet. You strap in, it starts going. Yeah. That's, that was it. That was the scary part. The anticipation.

The actual thing was awesome. Was the, I, I, my principal cried at my performance. My parents were like deeply moved. Everyone was like, this is your thing. And I finally, like, that was the same kind of feeling I felt after I had long realized acting wasn't my thing and that when I found comedy but it was like yes like this is what I'm meant to do but do you think that then why why that sentence acting isn't my thing because I've heard you say that before because um because it just it was it was the performance part of it

it was like being on and like it is honestly I'm a better actress than 98 99.999% of the general population but the people that make it in acting are the .00000001% of those people

whose mom is Kate Hudson or whatever yeah and yeah a lot of times but because it's in their blood and they grew up with it but it's and i didn't i didn't have the commitment to it i didn't have the obsession with like getting into character it helped that they were all understudies that performed with you as opposed to you being the only understudy it was just the certain roles had understudies so i remember some of the actors that were like i remember calpurnia who played my nanny in in play, did not like me as much as she liked the other scouts.

So I was like the redheaded stepchild of the scouts. But I remember being like, Calpurnia, what's rape? And she was like, it's carnal knowledge of a female by force. I'm like, what's that? What's carnal? And I remember not learning what rape was. But it was just one of those moments. So while you were performing, though, you didn't forget any lines. No, rape was like in that, but it was, um, it was just one of those moments.

So while you were performing though, you didn't forget any lines. No, I was just crushed it. It crushed it. And like, you know, what did you feel after that? Like I had found, like I had a purpose finally that the, and that I had conquered something that was truly, I mean, none of my friends, none of my friends are actresses or wanted to be in entertainment, but they could give press. They were nervous before presentations, but not like this nervous i know so then shaking legs i

don't know it was you know what it was it was just setting the date and saying by this signing up for the marathon that you are not in shape for down the road giving yourself ample enough time to do it and even if you procrastinate to the last fucking second to prepare because sometimes i do that i'll say yeah yeah i'm gonna do you know soon as the stars fucking second to prepare. Because sometimes I do that. I'll say, yeah, I'm going to do Dancing with the Stars. What the fuck am I doing? The time before it started was so much worse even than during it. So to bring it back, then you end up – do you try out for a lot of plays or you end up with the play with the guy with the bare naked lady?

So then I go into eighth grade. I get cast in the musical. I fucking nail it. I get a Miltie Award for Best Singer. I played this teacher in this thing. But go into eighth grade i get cast in the musical i fucking nail it i get the a milty award for best singer it was i was played this teacher and this this thing but this is eighth grade i mean they're my competition i've probably auditioned against five girls or something like it's not a big deal but mr zoth loves me right like i he's really is like a father kind of figure to me and uh because he uh you know was sexually attracted to me and so he uh no i'm just kidding no he was so sweet.

So then he transfers to high school with me because he's replacing- This is the perfect scenario. I go, oh my God. So he walks into a situation where the Kirkwood High School Theater Department is like, that's the big leaks. As big as I, it was like Broadway, right?

And I was walking into something that I was way out. I mean, these people had been acting since they were children. The people that did theater in high school, middle school is like a little hobby and was like what the dorks do. But in high school, it's what the talented dorks do. And so I walk in, and so Mr. Zoth introduces me to the musical director, Mrs. Flash, who is now dead.

God rest her soul, but when I first found out she died, I was kind of like... Yeah, we don't want her to rest too much no i i really i've that woman struggled a lot and i'm guessing she had addiction issues that i wasn't aware of at the time she caught me smoking weed one time uh it was awesome but anyway i'll tell that that's enough for another time to make this very quick as soon as possible so in less than 60 seconds so he gets to school he convinces mrs flash who does not like this guy i don't even realize the dynamic. He's coming in and redoing the whole thing.

Their old musical director was this like me too guy that ran everything with an iron fist. He got fired under circumstances of hooking up with a student, but no one knew why he was fired. So everyone was resentful that he was fired out of nowhere. Right. No one knew. And he probably was having an affair with this woman, too. That's just, you know, allegedly. So he convinces Flash. He's like, this girl is going to be our next like big thing we need to put her in the musicals so and so freshmen do not get cast in musicals they don't there's no understudy roles

but he convinced her to put me in into the woods so i'm the only freshman i'm the only underclassman your sophomore or freshman in into Into the Woods. And I'm so excited. So that's how I met Colin and all these people that were – they're all – Colin went to Broadway. Shannon McShane. Kate Herster. I just – Libby something. Kip something. Kip Taylor.

Paul Rudd. John Hamm. Yeah. No, in case these people are listening, I just know that they would appreciate a shout-out. These people were truly so talented, never could touch their talent and laura george so they they are but they were so sweet to me some of them some of them were cunty but um especially mrs flash never was nice to me such a bitch i i was only trying to be nice and like stay out of the way my role was snow white do you remember snow white and into the Exactly. Because she's only in the

musical version. She comes in at the very end in the finale. Only one scene and I walk. The prince is like a womanizer and he's kind of outed as like he's not faithful. At the end he has Sleeping Beauty and

Snow White. He has Sleeping Beauty and Snow White who are just put on as like obviously this guy's fucking the other two princesses in the world and I brought in and all I we we I now realize it was like a sex joke where we like kind of yawn like we just like woke up because we had a threesome with him and we go excuse me and then we dance with everyone for the final thing. And like sing along. I had no idea how to sing in harmony. I had no idea how to dance. And that was my role. And then that's how I met Colin.

And then I was never cast in a musical again the rest of the time. Because I didn't like dancing. And you had to dance. And I was terrible at it. Did you sign up? Yeah. And that's how I know all the Les Mis songs. Because I had to learn them to audition.

And West Side Story I would audition. I mean. Oh, so you did audition again. Yeah. You just never got it. And then I never got anything. I auditioned for Anne Frank, which I thought was going to be my pivotal role

like my sophomore year. It was like the sophomore play. I thought I was going to get it. That's when I got Jewish Townsperson B instead when I thought I was going to get Anne Frank. I didn't get like her sister or her mom. I got Jewish Townsperson B. So I quit the play.

I played field hockey and I played, I wasn't a forward or I was Jewish Townsperson B b on the team that was my joke back in the day and so i was like on the sidelines like equal uh importance that i know this is way way longer than 60 seconds it's all good so then at the end i um in my senior year i'm like what the fuck am i gonna do i'm not getting any plays i was doing like little things here and there but none of the big roles in any of the big productions. By the time you're a senior and junior, if you're good, you're getting stuff. I mean, and I just, Jamie Nash was such a good actress. Shout out to Jamie.

Leslie Lammers, Kate Herster. I mean, all these girls were just like leagues above me in terms of talent. Jessica, what's her, Bennington? Fuck, I forget your name. It doesn't matter. So I'm like feeling like what the fuck am I going to do? Like again, I'm like back down to like I'm not talented. I don't, I'm kind of like fat.

I don't know what's going on. And then there's this play that happens that is just the senior production in the black box. So they threw us a bone. There was a big production, the big suit thing. I didn't get that. Then the black box theater. And it was a there was a big production the big suit thing i didn't get that then the black box theater and it was like off broadway of the high school yeah okay it was called the i forget what it was called to be honest with you but there was a role of a woman it was a comedy and it was a role of a woman who was like a really a booze

hound it was the 1940s the comedy murder musical of 1940s and it wasn't really a musical it was like we were playing actors that were in a musical or something it was a murder mystery but i was a total alcoholic like kind of um uh you know i played her like uh you know will and grace like that woman that talks like this and is like friends with jack she was like kind of like you know she's a rich debutante but a booze hound and i fucking killed it and i remember mr zoth told me you're the best comedic actress i've ever like seen in a in a production and he'd been working forever he told my uh best friend's dad who was our principal who had also transferred from the middle school to the high school with us that i was the best comedic actress like so then i got another thing of like oh I didn't even know that was a thing comedic actress and everyone goes Nikki and I'd never drunk been drunk before so

I was playing a woman and I didn't know how to be drunk and I remember people going you I remember Mrs. Florman Kirsten's mom being like I know you've drunk drank before because that was that was too convincing and I was like I just did an impression of my mom. Yeah. Like I just, I, it was, and there's a trick to acting

when you're to act drunk. You just try to act like you're not drunk. You try to act like a drunk person who's trying to be sober and that's how you act drunk. That's the trick. But I remember being like, oh,

I just acted the way I think my mom acts because that's the only person I know who like changes when they're drunk. And I remember my mom really hating that. But thank you, mom, for that. And that's my origin story. Sorry I took so long. No, I love that, dude.

We'll do yours tomorrow. I mean, mine's pretty much the exact same story. Is it really? No. Would that be? That's how I know Colin. No, there is some ways. But, yeah, no, I love that you auditioned multiple times, though.

And it goes back to yesterday's pot about situational things. If they put you in a comedy, you would have found it right away. Yeah, but that wasn't a comedy. What roles weren't in high school? No. I mean, or in middle school and stuff. But all in all, chickity china, the Chinese chicken. You have a drum set.

Okay, here's the news did you kiss him that night no i know you heard it here first oh man i hope you guys are having a great sunday out there uh having all the swells but seriously google colin donald you guys girls out there d-o-n-n-e-l-l he's so hot he's married and and happy now but he was like on broadway forever and now he's on this really popular show. I always forget the name. It's like the Chicago Med, I think. Yeah, that's a name of a show.

You'd recognize him. He's so fucking hot. I hope you're having all the swells. Okay, so first story. Yes, a Simpsons prank was pulled on a Virginia school board during a public meeting. Daring. Do you just pick headlines with daring in the title no sometimes

i go for it uh wait truth or dirt truth or dare wait truth or dare truth or dare we should play a segment called truth or dirt because when you were saying dare yesterday i i converted it to so i was like why does he keep asking me what's the worst der i've done um okay so daring a simpsons wait say it again i'm so sorry simpsons no no that's my someone played a simpsons prank on a virginia school board so they so you could sign up names that they have to read online. Like Moe's Pub. So they did Phil McCracken. You want to hear some of it?

Yeah, we could play it. Oh, yeah. I saw this on Reddit and I didn't watch it because it looked boring. Phil McCracken. Shut up. Phil McCracken. Phil McCracken. Soak.

Soak. My headache. Soak my dick. Oh, my God. Ophelia McHawk. This reminds me, I saw another. I saw one yesterday. This girl on TikTok, she gets pulled over by a cop, and it's not real.

She just got a cop friend to do it. But he pulls her over, over and he's like ma'am uh can i get your full name like what you're you can't be already and ma'am give me your full name and she was like um uh it's it's frida and he goes frida okay and she gives last name and she goes go and he goes free to go and she goes thank you sir and then she pulls up there's another one the other day where a guy was on omegle you know the thing that um oh yeah ali mccoskey does where it's just random people come up and it's almost like chat roulette and this guy goes on and there's this like very woke like young girl that's he's like this black guy who's like so do you know about like like uh my like you there he was using words that i don't even recall but like a scribe name or like you know when people change their names for their gender it wasn't even that like there's a born

name and there's like your new name i forget what it's called and she was like yeah i'm aware of that and he was like well i'm like you know i'm non-binary and i go by like you know my my birth name is like paul but like i, like, I go by, like, and then he said the N-word in, like, two different slices, and she was like, he was like, so, like, can you just tell me, like, what you would call me, like, if we were talking? She was like, oh, I would call you,

and then she says, and it's, and then you see her go, because she accidentally said it. It's really funny, because he's just, it wasn't mean-spirited as much as, like, he just kind of tricks her into, because she accidentally said it. It's really funny because he's just, it wasn't mean spirited as much as like, he just kind of tricks her into accidentally saying the N word. I mean, I love, do you remember when the Simpsons, when that shit came out? I mean, that really, it made prank calls probably quite, I don't know, go up 3000%.

Yeah. I was thinking that yesterday. It was so funny, but it really is so funny when it's like this guy is so serious it only works at the like at a time like this when someone is so like my one of my favorite ones is um what what is uh i think you've probably seen this on tiktok wait no i maybe i think i did it on my you up podcast. So you you're about to get me to say the end. No, no, no. I promise. OK. OK.

What is the word? Why? Yes. Yes. Now say the word. E.Y. E.S. Eyes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. E.Y. Yes. Yes. You guys, if you haven't heard this, please do it to your friends. Go.

Let's say what is what? Repeat after me. It's like, say what I'm spelling. Why? Yes. And they'll go. Yes. And i'm spelling y-e-s and they'll go yes and then say e-y-e-s and they'll go e-s and there's this one guy that cannot do it figure it out and his girlfriend is laughing so hard he's like what e-s-e-s e-y-s e-s and she's like dude e-y-e-s he's like yes and he's like. And he starts laughing because he's like, why are you laughing? And then he goes, oh my God, eyes.

It's so cute. I love those things. If you guys have one of those things, will you voice message them in to the pod? It's in our bio at Nikki Glazer Pod. And leave us ample space. Actually, don't leave us space because Noah can toggle it. But I would love for us to do those live on air. You know what else is great that I think we'd have a lot of fun and it's kind of in the same vein?

Do you remember those things like, oh, there's a puddle on the ground. There's a person dead in a cabin. There's a puddle on the ground. What happened? It's always like ice. Yeah, he hung himself on ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, whatever.

Riddles. Yeah, riddles himself on ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, whatever. So, like, this guy. Yeah, riddles. Oh, sorry. We got a guy driving us, me and Brenna, over the weekend, and he started just giving us riddles. I'll try to think of one really quick. Oh, so they're a father and son get in an accident. The father dies. The son shows up.

The doctor goes, my son. How's that possible? Because the doctor's a woman and it's his mother. I've heard that one before. Dude, I didn't get it. I felt like such. Yeah, because you come from a line of like doctors. Misogyny, doctors.

I mean, but that, I love those ones that kind of. Noah didn't know you could tell no one didn't know because you just think a doctor's a man yeah i know if he said nurse you would have got it right away right away um it's so wild i love those ones that you know hold up a mirror to us and it's like you're not you know that's the thing when people go i'm not racist and it's like i'm not a misogynist. It's like, it's not, there's a difference between intentional and unintentional. Like those kinds of things where you go,

you would never say that a woman couldn't be a doctor yet. Your brain did a thing. I literally said it. Oh, there's a really good one on Reddit right now. I go, it's gotta be a stepdad. That's what I thought.

You know what I mean? Or I thought maybe the doctor was they both died and he was just an angel i like i had all these thoughts except for a woman oh yeah yeah i want to play this one for you hold on let me just pull this up because this one is so good so this is a guy that gives a prompt for a tiktok oh my god this guy's really cute too the guy that answers it i'm like very attracted to him for some reason. Okay, so this is a riddle? No.

Oh. Okay. What's a song lyric? What's a song lyric? What's a song lyric that took way too long for you to figure out what the actual lyric was? There's a white guy standing in the mirror asking that and this is the TikTok response.

What's a song lyric? It took way too long for you to figure out what the actual lyric was. All right, this one necessarily isn't one that I got wrong, but I still hear it to this day after finding out about it. If you listen to the song, Live Your Life by T.I. featuring Rihanna,

you can hear one of two things. Either one, you can hear Rihanna saying, I'm a paper chaser, or if you really want to trick your brain into hearing it, you can hear her say, cause I'm a big fucking slut. And I thought it was bullshit until i heard it let me show you what

here we go did you hear it noah because i'm a big fucking slut dude that's like the red the blue blue dress and the um yanni and laurel dude our brains are fucking and i read all about it in the comments about why that is and it's because your brain makes so many times in in your during the day your brain fills in the gaps because you don't have all the information and in that song when she says i always said it heard paintball chaser because i'm a paintball chaser and she really that's what it sounded like to me but when he says big fucking slut you go there's no way that paper chaser sounds like big fucking slut but she goes because i'm a big fucking slut and it's like every time i hear the

song now i think of that did he change the words dude. It's not because it's your brain. And if you didn't hear it during it, it's more about reading it. So go just look up Paper Chaser, Big Fucking Slut. And when you look at that TikTok, your brain will hear Big Fucking Slut. Did you hear it? Yes. I heard it like- It's wild.

Exactly. Yanny. The word, hey, jealousy, I thought was hair jealousy. And I bet my brother like $20 that it was Hair Jealousy. Hair Jealousy. I guess Hey Jealousy is just as weird as Hair Jealousy. I don't know why. And I think mostly men would really resonate with a song called Hair Jealousy.

Especially my brother. We could travel around this town. Ask men what they're doing for their crowns. Thinking if they're doing Rogaine or Propecia. I'm jealous of his hairline hair jealousy Joe Rogaine hair jealousy okay you ready next door I love that song holy I'm gonna add it to my Spotify right now okay keep going you know what I remember you know what's a big moment when you're a kid when when you get a shotgun with your brother all the time and i'm sure your

sister probably got shotgun with you when you drove and then the first time my mom always called it i'm just kidding oh no but then the first time you had a boyfriend or my brother had a girlfriend and i had to be moved to the back seat that's a big moment in your life where you're like fuck you you're my brother why am i moving to the back for this girl? I will give you an example. Like my dad always lets me ride shotgun when my mom and me are driving in the car with him. He always is like, Nick, you sit up front. And I go, no. And he goes, why not?

And I go, because she's your wife. And he goes, she doesn't care. And she goes, yes, I do. I want to sit up front. And I go, he goes, Nick, he never drives with us. And I go, she is your wife. I'm not sit up front and I go he goes Nikki never drives with us and I go she is your wife I'm not sitting up front like how like there's times where that that happens where I I'm the one that's like no yeah yeah come on dude and you like riding in the back yeah we can I can

we he can't kiss me from there you're you're she's your wife and i'm your girlfriend all right after his credit card declined a customer left his door and returned with a gas can the contents of which he poured on the floor and set a fire he then drove off as a store manager put out the fire what he got caught he was underneath a like a car with a hammer later on. Had a standoff. Wait, wait. This guy stole a credit card? Or he forgot his credit card at the store? It doesn't say if the credit card is stolen.

It just got declined. And then he came back and tried to light the system on fire? He probably just traveled to Barcelona and he came back. And you know when you spend money. Oh, yeah, and you didn't call the bank yet and let him know. He probably had jet lag. You know when sometimes you get off a flight and you're when you spend money and you didn't call the bank yet and let him know and that's and you know he probably jet lag and was you know what sometimes you get off a flight in your and you go get a gas can and you go back and try to torch a home depot and then you hide under a car with a hammer it really will mess you up because in his time it's five o'clock yeah and back in atlanta it's 11 p.m yeah it's it's very confusing um that is hilarious um yeah it's people's anger

and what they do with it like there's so many steps like the woman on my flight that i was talking about yesterday that got kicked off like yeah the the moment between him going ma'am you're off this flight and her her being able to go i'm really sorry i cussed at you i'm having a rough day he could have she could have de-escalated it but instead she goes what i had cussed at you and that choice that she made to do that made it so she didn't make on the flight like he made the choice to escalate it to you're getting kicked out of the flight but she could have de-escalated i really believe she could have gotten on that flight if she would have said dude i'm so sorry kids come here put on that mask i i did i didn't mean it i'm i was molested and like i'm not like

like you know no but i get your point like if this guy let's say he was buying a a soda right like two dollars yeah maybe the guy behind the counter goes look i see that you're having a rough time with this let me just buy this for you just take it oh i'm not even saying the cashier could have escalated i'm saying that guy made a choice in that moment to not just like go and get out of there like he had to go purchase something go like hey what aisle is the blow torches what aisle is the gas cans go to amco fill it up go and the card gets declined again at the gas pump then he has to go it goes see cashier and he has to go inside like so many steps to like decide to do something that crazy

yeah as opposed to like like the other day i was walking down the street and there was your card's been declined it fucking pisses you off especially if you have money in there if you have money in there but it's like you what you do in these moments you can de-escalate yes even the other day i was walking i was you know on my phone and i like had somewhere to be and i had to be on the call and luigi was like pulling me and all these things i had my coffee and i was worried about spilling it and there was like this group of like tourists which is never happens in this like where we live just clogging this the street and these kind of like dumb kids just like like drooling and like looking at the big in new york yeah and i just was and i go excuse me i go oh just like sitting in the not making not even acknowledging that people could be walking through i said some shitty thing and i'm like that didn't need to i didn't need to do that because what that did

wasn't what i wanted it to do of yeah it made that person feel stupid but it probably made that person think st louis they probably said sorry right away i had my earphones in so what a passive aggressive thing i couldn't even hear them and i just kept walking wow so like i had no consequences i was a cunt so as on behalf of people that may have done that to you where I go, excuse me, can I just apologize for that person and say like it's sometimes when I don't pick up Luigi's poop because I don't have a bag. The next day I'll pick up someone else's shit to make up for the one I left.

And I want to do that right now. So if you have had someone go past you and be like, um, excuse me, I was that person. I'm really sorry. So so like let me like take that away like let me apologize because i it could have been you yeah so many times i do that and i'll get furious at the person and be like how could they not be self-aware how can they not know this and then they apologize in a way where they're like you're right i wasn't self-aware at the time.

I thank you for letting. And they're so apologetic. And you're like, I'm such a fucking dick. Like, yeah, my reaction is the problem. Yeah. It's just even yesterday. Like when you got you, you were having a little bit of a road rage moment because you're trying to get home.

I calm myself. Yeah, you did. You were good. But you did honk at the person first. Very. That guy, he could have killed us. But what I'm saying is like, even honking, I think like is, is not good. And I know you're like, well, he needs to know.

He knows. Like how many times have you just been in a rush and taken a chance when you know, and we had ample time. There was, we. You weren't looking. Yes, I was. And I saw it from the get go.

I'm just, I'm not saying I would have done differently. I saw a Geico, save 40% or whatever on insurance. So I saw, but even honking and being like, oh, I need you to know that you fucked up. How many times have you done things in traffic and fucked up? But I'm just, I know you have. No, I know, I'm kidding.

Where you've got, when someone's honked at you and you've been like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like, today, let me just ask you, listening to everyone listening, I want to make the world a little bit better. If someone cuts you off and maybe they're doing it like intentionally, just think of a time where you accidentally did the wrong thing in traffic because you were, you know, the Louis C.K. thing of like, but I need to go there and I want to. And he's like, well, you can't. And sometimes women are just like, but I want to and like traffic.

And he's like, no, you know, sometimes just think about the time to and like traffic and he's like no you know sometimes just think about the time when you were that and how much you didn't want someone to honk and just wanted someone to slow down and just be like it happens to me and just let them go let's lay off our horns today just for one day unless there's a child crossing and you need to alert someone of something as opposed to being like i want you to know you're no even then kill the child we're gonna take a short break. Be nice during this break. Listen to our advertisers and we'll be right back with Why Do I Care?

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more joined

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Andrew, why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care, Nick? I think you're going to care about this one if I was a betting man. Yes! Okay, Lance Bass is lobbying ABC to do an all-gay version of The Bachelor. And he wants to host it. He threw that out there so

yeah he's doing the um bachelor in paradise he he uh guest hosted oh and apparently they're doing senior bachelor oh yeah i've saw those uh casting for that how old i think like 33 really is that what it oh i was like uh no they'd never go that old. So I think 27 is tops for that. No, I would love to watch a – I'm very excited about The Senior Bachelor. Yeah, I'm down for a gay bachelor for sure because I think there's so many assumptions we have about especially gay men's relationships and how monogamy works in their um in their relationships because a lot of times you know men as we know are not as monogamous as women naturally and um you know i was even with a gay man this weekend and asking him about he just recently was divorced and i was like so what

are you looking for and like when you're in relationship do you guys sleep i had a lot of um assumptions that gay men are like flute like they're fine you can fuck anyone you want because we understand i get it you have a dick i have a dick and i'm not gonna get jealous but um but that's not the case and you know i think that abc would might be scared to do an all gay one even though it would get a lot of press i think they do it one time just to get the like that's just my assumption of people that just want everything's motivated by money if people aren't going to watch it. I think ABC would think people wouldn't enjoy it as much because how can someone relate – how can girls, our main audience, relate to gay guys looking for love?

But the truth is – and I've been a straight girl that's watched gay things or gay love stories, Brokeback Mountain or Call Me By Your Name. Yeah, there are two of them. I mean, honestly. I know. Can you think of others? No, I can't. There's the one, what's it called?

The one that won Moonlight. Moonlight, yeah. I didn't see that one though. What's the one with the birdcage? Yeah, birdcage. But I'm talking about like really romance. Romance movies. romance romance no yeah no i i see what you're saying though like i went into those being like i'm not gonna get that i'll watch it because it's a good movie but i'm not gonna be like moved like i am with you've got mail au contraire like love is love and i always knew that it's not like

i'm like gay love's different it's just like you want to some something that you can put yourself in boy I can put myself in uh in Armie Hammer and you know uh Chalamet whether or not it's a gay relationship there's a yin and yang and you can put yourself in one of those of the past the the receiving or the mask the masculine or the feminine so if you think you can't resonate with a gay love story um you're wrong and man the reality show i did over the weekend it's like you would think i wish i could like talk about it let me just say it in these terms it was a it's um it's about a thing that you would only think women would enjoy watching all right that you only think if if a man possibly went to it was a reality show competition based in a performance based on a type of performance that is usually geared towards women liking it

and there were men at the show at the live show that i went to at the final finale there's this big show and they like debut for this big audience i was in vegas it's like you know i don't think it's any secret that this is like a uh i could probably reveal it's a long running show in vegas that people um are not necessarily competing to be in but are a part of and so at the finale instead of what it was being a small challenge it was the actual big show that these people were in and i thought it was just going to be a, you know, what's opposite of Sasha's Fest? Sasha's Patty Fest?

Pussy-ville. A Arby's 250? A beef town? Yeah, beef and cheddar. Beef town? Yeah. A beef party? Bubble gum babalooza. Sometimes your clit looks like bubblegum or your clitoral hood.

Yeah, chewed gum. I thought it was going to be that, but there were straight men there. And even Emil, who I brought along with me, was very inspired by it. Not awkward at all. Almost like guys liked it

more than the girls straight guys and it was something that is geared towards straight heterosexual horny women yeah maybe you can catch my drift here and let me just say you would not i could not believe there were even men in the crowd and i thought surely those guys are gay they weren't um i jerked them all off and they liked it so that's how i test but you can have man hands. That's true. Well, I did it with my feet. And I got my dad's feet. All right. Girl's feet.

Girl's feet. Do you think, yeah, I think it would be great. Now, does it have to be under, I guess if it's under the bachelor umbrella as opposed to its own individual thing, it gives it more weight, I guess. You know? And I think it would be a love story. What's that so what's funny is um so this story i got from queerty which is like a like a well-known like gay uh like site and a lot of the people in the comments the gays are like we don't want this and can i read you a really funny comment yes please i love funny online comments okay so

someone writes maybe a gay love island could work but a gay bachelor it would just end up being all the contestants hooking up with each other and leaving the bachelor holding his bouquet of roses in an empty room yes who doesn't want to watch that which i would love that sounds very fun but that's exactly to your point even though i know it's a joke but it's the assumption of like, that it wouldn't be very similar. But that would be interesting though, to see like what would happen with, I think they would do a good job casting it

to find gay men that actually want monogamy and like prefer it, mixed with guys that do live that lifestyle of like, being just like corny dudes. And I love that idea because how interesting would it be? There's only been one occurrence that I remember on The Bachelor where the two girls in the house end up liking each other and have a thing. And I think it happens after the fact.

It's kind of revealed after The Bachelor rose ceremony or whatever. But I mean, I would love – because there's something so annoying about everyone fighting. Because the guy's competing against all the other guys as opposed to just being the only girl. So two guys might hook up about a guy and be competing for him. I think it would be great. Yeah, I'm down. What do they give out instead of roses? Condoms.

Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful, tasty condoms. Do you know what PrEP is? Yeah. The AIDS thing? Yeah. I don't know anything about it but like uh

yeah someone was emile and i were talking about how like sex is so intimate and how girls get attached and how some guys get really bonded from sex as well and you know i've heard people make this point before but he's like yeah if someone were inside me i would be very like bonded to that too it's like different than going inside something as opposed to like letting something in you it's like very much more invasive and we like some letting someone into your house as opposed to going and visiting someone else's house yeah you can leave when you want whereas like i don't it's gonna be awkward for me to kick you out and i'm worried that you might wear your shoes inside and i'm it's gonna be weird where it's like we don't

we have to you have to wear you have to wear shoes in my house yeah and your shoes are stds that you're leaving in my house yes the dirt that you bring in and my roomba is broken and um my immune system is my roomba but um yeah and we were talking about like yeah women like women get tend to get hiv sooner than and gay men because they're being cummed into as opposed to like getting it when you put something in like if you just get squirted into that's a better chance of getting the thing in you than like getting getting it cypher you guys have less yeah cum on your dick than we have in us because we have come to you know it's just hard to get come through a little hole because my dick hole is small and it's just hard to get come through a little hole because my dick hole is small and it's hard to creep up the dick hole it's easy to get it out all right

guys let's play finish my sentence it's a it's a wild card wednesday that's where we just pick a segment that we want to do just finish my sentence that's where we and andrew try to complete each other's sentences and predict how we would finish this sentence. And then I think Noah judges to see who she thinks is the most right. I forget how we play this. Someone that ends up in tears. Oh yeah, this usually breaks us apart and leads us to Andrew going on Zillow

and looking for apartment matches. There's some nice ones. In the same building? That would be kind of fun. It'd be hilarious. I don't think they have studios here. Okay, storage unit unit you could do the storage unit downstairs all right the finish was never today noah what is it my biggest regret is my biggest regret is okay i will go first i am andrew collin man i have a i have a regret man i don't even want to go there but i have something that i think you're gonna regret if you don't do something about it Man, I don't even want to go there, but I have something that I think you're going to regret if you don't do something about it now,

but I don't even want to go there because it's too fraught, and you could probably do the same for me. Jesus. Okay. Wait, wait, what's that regret? That, well, it's this, and you know what I'm projecting? It's that someone who I think isn't going to be around that much longer, I'm not talking to enough.

And I'm going to regret that I didn't call them enough. It's my Aunt Sally, honestly. That's my biggest regret right now. That's a future regret that I could remedy today by calling her. And my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, but you know what? No, that might make me call her.

Thank you for that. I should call her. I'll call Aunt Sally today too. And it's not because we don't, I love talking to Aunt Sally. And when you talk to your mom, it's not that painful, but it's like the, it's the fear before it. Well,

it's also the fear that they're going to die. And every time you talk to them, you just, it just, it might be the last or like they're going to, their lives are just like so sad that you get sad hearing about it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry to bring that up. Okay. My biggest regret is bringing that up. Um, no, that's a good one. My big, I think I'm Andrew Collin and my biggest regret is bringing that up. No, that's a good one. I think I'm Andrew Collin,

and my biggest regret is not starting stand-up sooner. Ooh. Oh, yeah, and then I go? I think you say, wait, yeah, you do mine. I'm Nikki Glaser, and my biggest regret is- Wait, hold on. Let me think of my biggest regret, because I want to see if you're right.

Actually, you said one in the opening. What was it? Well. Oh, yeah, I did say that. I said my biggest regret. I forget. It's one. That was one of mine.

But wait, hold on. Let me just come up with my biggest regret because I really actually have one. Hold on. Searching, searching. Oh, boy. Oh, yikes. Oh, OK. okay got it my biggest regret i'm nikki glazer um is uh quitting on myself singing early on and not and waiting so long to feel confident enough to do it um okay it's interesting because that actually was the one

i came up with for myself when this when we came up with this topic in starbucks early this morning we were talking about it i was like oh yeah that's mine for sure and then just now when i redid it my biggest regret is like it just rifled through my head all the times that i've been like mean to people i love like all the times I've said something in anger or said something to hurt someone and it just there's so many I can't even like focus on one but like there's reason it's like yesterday of just saying something that comes out the wrong way that didn't need to be said and I'm it's my ego getting in the way of like I want to be right or like I want to make this person feel bad so I feel better like I think

if I could if i could do all of those i think that would be my biggest regret but um yeah you're right like that's that's probably if it was i had to pick one yeah i guess there's one regret i wonder though it's like some feel like uh selfish regrets where it's just like oh how would it make my life better yeah i should have not spent that money but if you made your life better maybe you wouldn't be projecting on those other people so it's like um i have a couple like not really getting to i do soon enough not working on myself sooner not um forgiving people sooner um not breaking up with people when they mistreated me and respecting myself but honestly i can't regret those times because if I could have, I would have.

Like I think back to some of the like neglect or like shit I've put up with from men or friends and like, what was wrong with you? Why would you say? Because the person now would never, but like I couldn't leave because I just didn't. It's like picking up a box and you don't have the muscles to pick it up.

I didn't have the strength. So I'm not going to go back and go like, you fucking idiot. Why didn't you do that? There was no, if I could have, I would have. You know? Yeah, I think there's two ways to look at regrets. I think sometimes you could be like, I regret not doing it. And you could be so angry about it.

But you can also say, yeah, I wish I did that differently without having emotion behind it like you know i would say my biggest regret well i have a few but like uh not paying my debt off or like understanding taxes and stuff i mean that led to so much depression and so many bad decisions but you know i don't know i mean everything you know whatever it sounds cheesy but you're i'm here i i mean everything you know whatever it sounds cheesy but you're i'm here i used to think that was the biggest bullshit when people go everything happens for a reason because you go how could child like hunger or what's happening in yemen what's the suicide bombers like how could that be what reason would child rape be for? The cardinal. And someone,

we were talking about the cardinal thing. To kill a mockingbird. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was talking to someone yesterday about the Catholic Church and how I hate the Catholic Church because they made my parents have shame that is on me and their parents.

I think they've done, and obviously they're still molesting kids and still being silenced i just saw a video clip the other day on reddit of a priest have you ever seen this video it's recent because the priest is is baptizing a kid and the kid said yes he said yes and it was so funny and i think we need to get rid of him because a guy he didn't know what eyes was no what's he doing he said the yes of god are watching and i go this guy um this old man he probably senile priest whatever he is bishop i don't know what the fucking names are catholic church dipping the baby in the water or about to is a baptism clearly there's a

in a baby screaming crying because an old gross man is holding him that the baby can probably fear just sense the energy that this guy fucking sucks and is either not safe to be around or is like senile and not of right mind to be holding him and the parents are kind of just like and the baby's crying and the priest starts kind of like getting a little bit more intense with the baby and then like grabs the baby's face and like slaps it and then grabs it and and you can tell the mom's like uh but she doesn't do anything like you can't because it's a fucking priest it's the catholic church it's like if a random old man if your grandpa were holding your baby i think you would take it from him or like some random man holding a baby like your nanny did the same thing you would go what the fuck

and you would like beat the shit out of that person. But because this guy's wearing a bunch of dumb robe and has a bunch of smelly incense around him and little boys. And tradition. And tradition and fear and shame and God and fucking stained glass and just bull sh... Pews.

I don't know. I'm just listing religious things. Pews, yeah. Pews. Final thought. the priest won't let go of the kid and then is like getting a little bit more intense and he's like i start like yelling at it and like slaps him i can't even like watch the video i sent it to uh my friend whose family's in the catholic church just to be like can we like send this to your family to like

let them know that this like this is just an example of what we allow and what we turn a blind eye to because there's two cogent cognitively sound adults with their baby who they care about more than anything in the world and an old man is hurting their child making the child wail even more and not letting go the mom kind of is trying to be like soothe and like gently take it away and then the dad kind of steps in and pulls the kid away. But like in a way that he is still respectful and deferential to this fucking crazy and probably demented old man. I mean like, you know, he's probably senile. And shouldn't be doing that work.

But no one's going to take him out of the work because the Catholic Church is all about denial. We don't talk about what's going on. We don't talk about the abuse. Let's just move them to another diocese and relocate them so they can start offending there. And then when they get in trouble there, we'll move them over here. And it's just all protected because we're not taxed. And the government can't look into it. And it's all, they get away with so much bullshit.

And I hate the Catholic Church for all of that. Among other things of just like spreading these lies and fear and fables that make people hate themselves, hate their sexuality, hate who they are. So much shame. And then my friend whose family is in the Catholic Church and he is not – he hates it for all the same reasons said, there's a lot of good that the Catholic Church has brought my mom. I was like waiting for that turn yeah like my you know he was even referencing his mom saying the fact that she has god gives her so much hope and like has helped her through some really hard times it's given her community and all these and like tradition and all these things and you almost argue like has as much in the catholic there's a lot of like most cath Catholics are just great people.

And the people at the top are the money-hungry, sinister, evil, shameful sociopaths. How much they've given to charity, how much they've helped. They do so much good. Take homeless people in. Yes. And so as much as vitriol I have for religion, I can't deny that so much good has come of it. Now, would you argue though that with something as – so let's say I punch a dog. But in order to punch a dog, I go – I'm going to donate $2,000 to this charity that's going to – because I really want to punch this dog, but I'm going to – can I pay $2,000 to punch this dog? Is it worth that?

Luigi or Marion? That's a good question. No, but yes. Is it worth that luigi or marion that's a good question no but yes i know no i see what you're saying this dog is gonna get hurt but like do we have to have good with evil like why do we need the evil part or can we just take it out all together and go you know what even if good can come of it putting any evil in the world is never justified by any amount of good yeah can i tell you what the book of Tao says about that? Yeah. What does Tao say?

How can you know good if you don't know evil? Shit. Dude, I read the most insane thing. That is, that's the kind of, I'm really getting into philosophy and like, you know, as I've been examining my own standup and being like, what do I really want to do up there? What am I doing up there why am I struggling with like what I want to say and and and writing and like jokes and and looking at my work it's really about like I and after last week and the amount of love I got from besties I know that something is different I was telling my friend

yesterday I was like I know the difference between you're so funny. Oh my God, you brighten my day. Like I love listening to you guys. Like I just, you make me laugh so hard. I know that. And then I know people that say, I'm not kidding you. Dozens of people wrote to me. And if there are dozens that wrote to me, there's probably dozens that didn't write to me that said, I have been going through such a rough time. I have suicidal thoughts. I've cut myself before. I, I, I hate my body. And ever since listening to you and being you being honest about yourself, it, I hear your voice in my head sometimes. I mean, I have countless screenshots that I can't even, it would just sound like me tooting my own horn so much. And I am tooting it a little bit, but it feels so good that someone out there today might not honk at someone. And that person that doesn't get honked at, because when you get honked at, you go, fuck you. And

then it amplifies it. And then you might go home and like yell at your kid. Then your kid's going to go, mom fucking sucks, slam their door. Then they go online and they jerk off and they watch porn that like is aggressive. Then they might hook up with a girl later on because of the porn they watch because their mom screamed at them like it has if that all if if my little thing of saying and then they start a podcast yeah i mean it can lead to good again like dysfunction and abuse i always say like you know and people got mad at me about it but like if you were molested i'm not saying like go molest people because it makes good people but 10 people that have been through hard stuff tend to be my best friends and the most interesting people because they've had to overcome something. That doesn't mean go out and molest kids because you're going to make stronger kids.

What I'm saying is that, yeah, good does come of bad. But my original point was that I am now thinking about my life and like what I want to do with my work. And I've never felt, I've never felt fulfilled by you. You were so funny tonight. Never felt it. Like it just, yeah, I'm glad you like me and I want you to like me. And yeah, that satisfies my desire to be at the popular table in high school. But having someone tell me that they were able to go and be in a swimsuit on a boat with people that they wouldn't have been able to be in a swimsuit about and that when they look at their body in the mirror and they don't hate it because of something i've said and listen i don't i'm not pretending to be a miracle worker but

people have written this to me and say like i hear your voice and you change the way i think about my negative thoughts and like the way i live my life that shit hits me like that that's it like you know i talked about discovering acting and being like that's my purpose then discovering stand-up that's my purpose dude next this i'm having another one of those moments in life where all those things before that i thought were my purpose have led me to this and who knows if this is the final stage but that's what i want to do and i recently got exposed to this uh named Emil Schwan. Schwan.

Emil. E-M-I-L. Just look at philosopher Emil. And it's so weird because I was on the plane next to Emil. And I go, this guy, you're my second favorite Emil now. I want to talk about it tomorrow. But this guy was talking about suicide and how he had a lot of thoughts about suicide. And I'm obsessed with suicide, as most of you know, the topic of it and he said that the Dow thing that you

said reminded me of it he said suicide is comforting because without suicide and the option to escape the hell that is human existence because it is suffering you're born to die right you're gonna die someday and we're all fucking terrified of it. The idea and life, life is hard. You have to wake up every day. You have to feed yourself. You have to close yourself. You have to bathe yourself. It's never going to be easy. Life is always going to have hardships. And if you really think about it, it is just endless pain. You're going to lose everyone you love. Everyone you know is going to lose everyone they love. Being alive is terrible, like in a lot of ways. And when really observe that it's it's so hard and

sometimes i would fantasize about suicide and feel really bad about it like why do i why does it comfort me and this philosopher named emile said that without the option of suicide i would kill myself because the option of suicide just knowing that i can escape it if i want to allows me to live in the present moment and survive so for the first time ever I was able to hear this philosopher say something that made me feel not like I'm broken because I fantasize about suicide or I'm comforted by that it always felt like that's a weird thing about me but I'm right life is hell sometimes and I have to keep living it but the option that I could take myself out at any time which by the way I I want you to not go off and kill yourself because I'm saying this I'm saying

and then he has a really good point for not to kill yourself which uh dm me if you want me to send you the podcast that I'm talking about um because I don't remember it I don't have time to look it up but I'm just saying the option listen this the, suicide is the option. Thank God we have the option and that we can imagine that, oh, if it gets so bad, I can take myself out. Because without it, we'd kill ourselves. Life would be too unbearable to think. If you were immortal, it would be fucking hell because you have no escape. There's almost some kind of relief that like.

That you know that there is an option. Yeah. I just love things like that can take something i feel so much shame about and make it and go oh that's not a crazy thought it's actually very human instinct and there's a reason why you think that and it's not because you're a bad person so if you're feeling like a bad person today for any of your negative thoughts maybe send one to me and i'll try to uh spin it in a way that makes it so you're not a bad person i someone recently i just want to say a bestie sent me a picture of a girl online that's super skinny a swimsuit ad and she said to me how do you deal with this how do you make it okay that you don't look like this not you but like her because and i felt that way where i've seen models and I go, everyone says, Nikki, love your body. You're beautiful. Why?

If this is clearly the ideal, I don't look like that. So why am I okay with what I am? And I actually am finally at a point where I can answer that girl. And I was like, I got it four in the morning last night. I was like, I can't wait to write back to this because I do know how to accept that because I was you a year and a half ago of being like, if I don't look like this, I should kill myself. Like every man wants this.

And it's not every man. I'm saying the bulk of people would agree this is sexier than someone who's overweight, right? Maybe like, you know, sexual men. Not everyone, I'm just saying. And so why should I be okay with being overweight? And there is an answer to that. And I'm excited to share it with you.

And it's all about these ideas that you expose yourself to that allow you to be okay with your negative thoughts like that thought isn't wrong but uh it's not there's a reason for it and uh there's an answer to make yourself feel bad better about the way you feel and you're gonna leave a cliff hanger on that yeah yeah i'm gonna go cliffanger myself and jump off a cliff you have the option uh sorry that was convoluted i'm sorry to ramble thank you guys so much for listening um always dm the show uh nikki glazer pod leave us a voice memo um andrew thank you for letting me talk so much on this show no it's great i love you i love you and we'll see you tomorrow on the show best besties. Don't be cool out there. And jack off.

Jack Sam. Jack Sam. I don't know. I was thinking about a Jack I know. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in

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