The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #96 Empty Out The Gravy Tray

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

Between You and Nikki, she is feeling close to you and grateful to be asked to play the music she has been working on during the IG live sessions. Andrew might not sleep so well tonight after recalling a part of his origin story which involves his second time being in jail. You Heard It Here First, dating apps are trying, life imitating art of emergency rescue TV shows and a sports moment that involves the concept of 'fake it til you make it'. In the Fanthrax segment Nikki announces a special surprise for her Denver tour date, gets a nice message from a therapist, loves the idea of a bestie meet up and they get a mispronunciation that perfectly encapsulates the show. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You are cordially invited to the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing,

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Yeah, we're moms.

But not your mommy. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday. On the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. We want to speak out and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him.

From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Hello, everyone. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, in love with our listeners. It's like, it's getting a little bit, I need to chill out about my love for the listeners because they're going, I'm coming on too strong and, you know,

I know they can take it. These people are loving people that have a lot of love to give. I can't get over, if you're just joining the show, which by the way, I want to use this episode. I just came up with an idea.

I would love our besties. And by the way, you guys don't owe me anything. You've given me so much. But I was thinking about the girl that wrote into the show yesterday and was saying, I'm going to the show alone.

I'm coming to your upcoming tour i'm going alone which nick you always say go alone if you can't find a friend and i was thinking about besties coming together and like meeting each other because if you listen to this podcast when i find someone who listens to howard stern we have a we have a we already have something that is a commonality that is shared a love and appreciation for a man who you know most people have ideas about that we know is like a great person and just we have such an affection for someone that you know it's like meeting someone that goes you know Andy sales too like some you know like when you meet someone that's like oh my god now I trust that I love you

so like when I meet someone that listens to Howard Stern, it's an instant friendship. Whether or not we have anything else in common. I mean, these guys are usually delivery men that work for like an alcohol sales rep and are like, you know, have a Baba Booey, you know, shirt on or something. And I'm like, can we talk about Howard?

And I like latch onto them. So I was thinking for the besties, I have two ideas first of all first of all welcome to the Nikki Glaser podcast because I want you all if you can if you have it in your hearts to text someone who you think might need a daily podcast ritual or a daily morning show or weekly however much you listen to this that might be someone who would enjoy our show and write them and say I think you would like this show give it a shot like recommend the show if you think it would bring joy to someone's life if it's just if you

don't have anyone that pops into mind right now for that that's fine don't do it but like and I'm not trying to do this so we get more ratings and reviews and listeners I just want to I want to make more people happy because I know the joy that it this show brings people now because of last week when I got emotional I mean I was already getting great feedback and every week with fanthrax which is where we read um every Thursday we're going to do it later we read like listener feedback every week it's always just such nice things but just this past week um if you're new to the show because someone recommended the show to you, welcome. And send them this episode. Hello.

Welcome to the show. This is the Nikki Glaser Podcast. We're a daily podcast that just tries to create a sense of friendship and fun and realness and honesty. And we're here every day. You don't need to listen every day, but we love if you do Monday through Thursday. And it's not one of those podcasts that you got to feel like,

oh no, I missed something. I got to go back. You can listen to it on two times the speed if you want. For this one, I talk really fast. So I'm kind of thinking you should do half speed, but we're glad to have you here. If you don't like it, no harm, no foul. Unsubscribe, whatever you want to do.

If you do like it, stick around. If you don't like this episode, I ask that you, if you kind of like it, stick around for four episodes. You know, give us four and then you can move on. Andrew Collin is my roommate. He's going to be here later. He's my best friend, opener on the road. Kind of like my work husband.

We have a lot of ups and downs on the show. And if you're a best friend, opener on the road. Kind of like my work husband. We have a lot of ups and downs on the show. And if you're a bestie, you already know all this stuff. So I'm sorry to be talking to you about this. But like, yeah, I hope you can recommend the show to someone. And here's the other thing I want to do. So it's twofold. Recommend it to someone that you think might like it. And you know, when you recommend a book to someone, unless they like actually need it in their life, they're not going to read it. But at least they know that it's there when they do need it. Like for instance, I bought that Alan Carr book, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. I knew that his method worked with me for smoking, but I wasn't ready to quit drinking yet. But I knew that someday I would be. And so I knew it was on my shelf. So

this is like giving them a book on their shelf that like might help them at a time in their life where they might be a little bit lonely or might, you know, have a long commute where they need to fill the time or a road trip or something. So they'll go, oh yeah, Melanie sent me that podcast and I trust her about the stuff. I just didn't have time in my life to listen to it then. Something like that happened to me recently with, oh, fuck, what was it? God, my train of thought is all over the place. Choo-choo, you know? Get on board. I'll lose it often, and it's not because I'm smoking pot, I'll tell you that. But okay, I'll remember it down the road. But it's just nice to have something, oh, yeah, I remember I did a podcast if you want to go back and listen to Nikki Lazer at her worst

when I was bulimic and not in just drinking and not I think I might have just sobered up but it's called the mental illness happy hour and I did a podcast I once did a podcast with him Paul Gilmartin he used to host um dinner in a movie on TBS if you're someone who's you know was uh can have memories from the 90s he was on tbs doing that and he has a mental illness podcast where you know celebrities go on and talk about their mental illnesses and i went on when i was in the thick of it one time and i'd said too much and i it's the only time i've ever asked someone to go you can't air that i'm so sorry you can't and he understood he was like we'll do it And it's the only time I've ever asked someone to go, you can't air that. I'm so sorry. You can't. And he understood.

And he was like, we'll do it another time. So the next time I did it, I couldn't ask him not to air it again. This guy is a way of getting things out of you. I think he's very immersed in recovery. And I just didn't have the language for that and the boundaries for that at the time. So I just poured everything out on this podcast. And I was really in a bad place at the time. And someone wrote to me and said, I heard you on this podcast. And I was really in a bad place at the time. And someone wrote to

me and said, I heard you on that podcast. I forget this woman like emailed me through my website at the time. This was 2000. I want to say 10. Oh, it was a bad time in my life. And I didn't know it at the time. You know, like, I think I just had a session with a session, a podcast with him, and it all came out. But I was like, what just happened when you don't even know how bad you're struggling? And this girl wrote to me and said, I have a therapist who really helped me with some of the same issues you're going through. And I just wasn't ready for it at the time. But a year and a half later, I remember telling my friend Greg Warren at the Comedy Cellar. I met him for dinner, and I was just in a bad way.

And I was like, I confided in him that I was throwing up every night and I couldn't stop. And he was like, will you please get help? Like, will you do it for me? Like, I know you won't do it for you, but you're someone who does things for your friends. Will you do it for me? Like, it's like, I want you to do this for my birthday. Go get help. And I was like, yeah. And you know what? It doesn't, this isn't something, this makes it easy. I know exactly who to go to because someone heard my struggles and said that they recovered with this woman's help. Albeit, that was the woman that I ended up in an abusive relationship with for several years who took a lot of my money. But I have no regrets about her because she actually

gave me a lot of tools that were not worth the amount I could have bought a house with, but I still like, it was there for me, and I don't think I would have gotten help at the time if it would have been going to ZocDoc and reading reviews and calling people. It was just there. So that's what I mean by that. Second thing I'm asking someone to do,

let's create a subreddit. So I'm going into the thing I fear the most, Reddit, where people have opinions about me. Let's Let's create a subreddit. So I'm going into the thing I fear the most, Reddit, where people have opinions about me. Let's do a bestie subreddit, Nikki Glazer Pod subreddit. And I want someone to take, if you're someone who's very versed in Reddit and maybe moderates other subreddits, because there's always a moderator who polices activity and keeps it really positive. like listen i'm not going to monitor this and and read the things you can say critical things about me you're allowed to um but you know if it starts getting hateful let's have a moderator that like keeps it positive

but i just feel like that'll be a nice way for besties to connect and i also feel like reddit it will get some of our besties that might be scared of Reddit and the platform and like be intimidated by it to enjoy Reddit because it can be Reddit can be a place where you can curate the internet to be what you want it to be and not get bombarded with the negativity and the stuff that stresses you out so I think that it can be very intimidating Reddit but um this might get people on board and And it might be a place that that girl that had tickets to my show might find another bestie to go with. And I just think it's a good place to keep the discussion about the show and just connect with each other. And that's just an idea. So if you want to go with that, that's that.

And I appreciate it. But Noah, how obsessed with you like our our fans are you and I if you're new to the show I'm sorry to even gush about our but you're you're welcome you're one of these people you're friends with someone who recommended the show to you that we are obsessed with Noah I woke up to a text from you what did it say we just have like such great fanthrax it's like the least poisonous fanthrax ever I know and I think it's because of last week like someone because of last week I had a hard week of reading critical things about me and I cried on the show and people wrote to me so many lovely things to pick me up out of that and

I already I'm not gonna spend too much time just talking about how much that meant to me but I hope you all know it did like more than anything that's like as much as a best friend you know I had one time I was really depressed in New York and I couldn't leave my apartment I was crying and I just I didn't want to go out I was cat sitting for Julian McCullough I wasn't even I didn't even have a place yet I was just staying in New York a couple weeks and I was so depressed and Sabrina Jolie's comedian was also in town and I never got to see her she was always in Canada and she was like I want to see you and I was like I can't Sabrina I'm so depressed I can't stop crying and like I don't want to see anyone and she was like I'm coming over I don't care what you say and she like demanded to come over and she brought me a pumpkin that she wrote like I love you on

and like a note and like made me take a walk around the block she was like just do that and it was like it was I didn't think I needed it but I needed it so much and I needed you guys so much and I'm so freaking grateful god damn it and I feel like you could be there for each other like this I see stuff like this on reddit all the time where people are posting stuff they're going through and people make I see it happen where people go oh my god your comment just made me feel so less alone from strangers so I don't know Noah Noah wrote to me that was like this she's compiling fan thracks which is our you know fan letter dump later on in the show on Thursdays and she said I can't believe our fans like they're so positive and last last night, Noah, I was doing an Instagram live on the Nikki Glaser pod, which is an Instagram that we keep private. But if you want

to join and are a trusted person that will keep it positive and positively critical if you need to be. I went live on that. I feel so much safer going live on that than my own it's just a it's new ball game with these fans i just don't know what it is something's happening and um andrew and i did our classic coffee coffee and tea bags is the name of the cafe that we've made up that we perform at and it's me playing guitar and andrew on uh this karaoke mic we got and he does karaoke mode and sometimes he does master mode and then sometimes it's professional mode um these are all inside jokes that if you're new to the show you will catch on to very soon um so we were singing songs we sang tom petty uh wild flowers which is a beautiful song that's what we opened with and then we sang um phil collins can't stop

loving you which i've been practicing a lot there's a taylor swift version of it that's why i got into that song and then i got into the phil collins one and i was like wow i can't believe i slept on this song for so long then we sang uh lover by oh and then brenna miss you so much brenna i love you so much baby baby um Brenna Andrew's girlfriend FaceTimed him or he FaceTimed her and I thought she was calling him because he yelled up his phone while we're live and I go don't call her right now that's gonna be distracting but it was so sweet he called or I thought she was calling so I go don't pick up like call her later because we're on live we just had gotten on live it gets confusing with too many screens love you Brenna

if you're listening um and then he picked up and was so glad because Brenna knew we were on live and she said to him she goes I just got off the phone with my sister and my like she was talking to you know my aunt and stuff and I was just telling them how excited I am about our relationship it was like so vulnerable in front of our besties because Brenna trusts you too because Andrew's like talked about her so much it was so sweet and so then we sang lover by Taylor Swift to celebrate Andrew and Brenna's love and she sang with us and then we let her go because if there was a delay and it was a little bit hard and then I I just sang a couple more Taylor Swift songs then Andrew had to go uh call her back and so I I'm always reluctant to be alone on those things because if you don't know,

I'm kind of pursuing a singing songwriting hobby slash career and I haven't really started songwriting. I wrote one song once and I didn't even really finish it but just like scared to do it. I'm scared that people are just going to listen to me because they're being nice or because I'm, know it's like Michael Jordan playing baseball like no one really wants it but will entertain it and I don't need to

compare myself to Michael Jordan it's really like Michael Jordan playing Taylor Swift songs on a guitar that is what it's like because you know I I'm like a teen I'm like a 12 year old when I when I play her on guitar but um I need an audience I need to perform to practice and it's just so easy to go on Instagram live and cultivate a little little audience that's so supportive and so Andrew goes to bed and usually I just like if he has to go I have to go because I always need him there next to me to justify like if I'm not good at least Andrew's doing something funny like rapping along to it or doing beatboxing off off rhythm and so there's some entertaining value despite me being bad Andrew's next to me being bad too but last night he had to go to bed and I still had more songs in my heart and then some besties

in the chat were like like encore like more and I was like okay I'll do one more and I like sang August which is the song on her album that I'm my number one played song of last year I think I listened to it for 366 days in 2000 which isn't even possible um but in 2020 and and it came out in July but I played that song and then I was like guys thank you so much and everyone was so nice and then Noah like someone really like they go illicit affairs and it's the song that I've been practicing like so much and I really wanted to play it but I was like oh it's too self-indulgent because I really go there I'm like I I don't know if you guys all have this but there's and someone one of the besties pointed out they were were like, you, you look your

happiest self. I've never seen you glow so much as when you're playing music. And it's like, I really do feel that way. It's, I feel that way on stage at, you know, when I'm performing and I'm really in the zone, but music really brings it out in me. And, um, I just appreciated someone saw that and it felt like, again, like a close friend, but you guys were also supportive of me and you let me sing illicit affairs. And then they let me before the songs i was trying oh this was the best part i am so happy that so many besties wrote in the chat that they are converted swifties from me playing taylor swift songs that like now they appreciate her in a way they didn't before or didn't give her a chance to and that's like the best gift you can give me is that you can that I sound at least decent enough that you can accept her into your

heart to maybe check it out on your own but someone but I gave a little tutorial about these songs and like what they mean because I love storytellers like that show on VH1 where I want to know this I know you're not a lyric head, Noah. Noah doesn't pay attention to lyrics really and I think some people do that and some people don't. But let's be honest, a lot of the lyrics Noah listens to is like, Chained me up and run in hell.

No, no, no. I'm just kidding. No, no, no. I'm kidding. But some people just pay attention. I'm also a converted Swifty. I just want to tell you, I was like vehemently against listening to someone like Taylor Swift

because I was a metalhead, but I love her music. I think she's so talented. Yes, absolutely. Oh my God, that makes me so freaking happy because, you know, she's someone that I indulge in, that I feel like people don't respect my musical taste sometimes.

And if you don't respect my musical taste because I like Taylor Swift, I don't respect your musical taste sometimes. And if you don't respect my musical taste because I don't like Taylor Swift, I don't respect your musical taste. And I think you're like, like people who don't like Taylor Swift based on like, shake it off or never getting back together. Swifties know that when someone says that's their favorite song, or that's all they know of her, we just roll our eyes and go, come and by the way those two songs are amazing too but um yeah I I gave a little tutorial about the meaning and the behind folklore like the the songs I was singing and like where she wrote them from and I think I want to do a podcast about Taylor Swift like I want to do like a special episode maybe not of this show but of like teaching people about kind of the history like the music behind it do you do you like hearing like the story behind songs noah do you ever do

on spotify it says genius lyrics or like it'll give you a little it's really cool on spotify on some songs if you play the song and look you know how they have like a little they'll have like a little gif that's repeating sometimes some really famous songs uh first time i noticed it was with the song runaway train by runaway train never coming soul asylum yeah soul asylum right runaway all i heard you say was asylum which does sound like a band you would listen to just asylum asylum that's written in that like metal font. But Soul Asylum. Yeah. That you can play that in it, like walked you through how the song got written, kind of the history of how that song came out and the drama behind it. I love hearing that stuff.

I want to know what the meaning is behind songs so badly. What's your favorite song, Noah? And I know that's a what's one of your favorite songs. I should ask that. Oh, man. First one that, you put me on the spot. First one that comes to mind. Okay. Right now, like what are you listening to right now?

I've been listening to a lot of Willie Nelson. And I guess the song that comes to mind is Hands on the Wheel. I really like that song. What is it about that song that you like? I'm not familiar with it. You just like a good safety instruction in a song? About driving well? Yes.

You love two changes, 10 and 2, and Check Your Rearview Mirror. It's a good driving song, you said? No, it's not. It's kind of like a slow song, and it's just about the world, I guess, just in Willie Nelson's lyrical interpretations. I'll give it a listen. I actually can't

wait to do that. There's a really good song that I love that reminded me when you said it's about the world because it's called Oh What a World. It was written by Casey Musgraves and it was written by her when she was on Mushrooms and it's the perfect... It was written by Casey Musgraves. And it was written by her when she was on Mushrooms. And it's the perfect, I made my friend Robbie.

I'm going to say that to protect his identity. We were on Mushrooms and I made him listen to a song that was written on Mushrooms while we watched the sunset. And it's just she goes oh what a world i don't want to leave some kind of magic it's hard to believe that it's she's it's just saying oh what a world i don't want to leave it's like i don't want to leave this place but like just embracing the magic it's just cool to listen to a song that you know was written on psychedelics you know like sergeant pepper the entire album i'll'll never forget LSD I want to try because Paul McCartney said his life was cut into two before and after he did LSD. Like that's how he defines his life. That is so that means a lot. Like he doesn't cut up his life until like before and after 1964 when the Beatles

became the Beatles or you know a lot of people say after my mom died my life is before my mom died and after and um right now this podcast is before Andrew came in and after Andrew John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this.

They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection, it's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to the one you feed on the I heart radio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people. What's up? It's quest. Oh, quest love. And, uh, Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss.

Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the people who were the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers. But we also love speaking to the folks who were making it happen behind the scenes and paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm Pete Peel chatting up with hit maker Sam Holland.

Sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya, Kathleen Hanna, and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out. All right. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar

and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the

rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. That was a weak burp. Hi, Andrew. Hi. Can you burp on command? No. Come on.

I really can't. Try. I can't. That's just a sound That was a sound That was like me doing a Tim Allen impression The oldest brother's not doing well Apparently

What? The old Oh I thought your brother I thought that's why you were like Late coming in I thought you were like The oldest brother My

I wish he was dead You wish he wasn't doing well He's been doing well Your whole life. It's sad. It's sad. Noah, we were talking about... Good job.

I just want to get right to it. Okay. Because we did my origin story yesterday on the show. First of all, Andrew, I asked our listeners at the top of the show to send this show to friends in their life who might need the show. So we might have some new listeners on this one. Okay. So I just want to be aware of that.

Andrew Collin is my best friend. Started out as my dog walker. Long story. We've covered that before, but you can hear the history of that somewhere when you go back in the archives. Started out as a comedian forever. Dog walker.

Knew he was a comedian. He made me laugh the first day. Started opening for me on the road immediately. Continued to be my dog walker. Then we stopped doing that. And uh he's been my best friend opener on the road for we met in 2018 january and now um i moved to st louis was living with my parents wanted to get an apartment by myself was too scared to live alone wanted a friend have no friends that aren't living with boyfriends or like have their own roommates or one would want to live in st louis so i asked andrew um who was probably my number one choice

anyway told him let's come to st louis be my podcast co-host and here he is living with me in st louis missouri and we are in our podcast studio in our apartment and it's the best life because we woke up this morning and today was a great morning we woke up i texted him you want to get starb he's like yes we go out we go out andrew now has downloaded the mobile order app oh it's a good one if you're getting starbucks on the reg and you're waiting in line what are you doing with your life it's so funny how many things i've done that it's like the tsa pre of starbucks yeah i'll get there too one day but yes go ahead we're we go to starbucks um we have a great talk on the way there um just getting along this i mean we we pretty much

always get along have a great little talk there then we sit down and then we go the good stuff didn't happen until we got back here and what even got us on the subject i have no idea i sometimes we uh wake up in the morning in a really giggly mood yes and we're very uh we don't have any stress it's the one time especially for you sometimes i feel like you you don't think about what's on your plate or what you have to do and you're just a fun little guess what i have to do today nothing nothing that's great that's why i'm in a good mood yeah i have nothing to do today? Nothing, hopefully? Nothing. That's great. That's why I'm in a good mood. I have nothing to do except this podcast, which doesn't feel like work ever. I've never dreaded this podcast.

It's the only thing I can ever say about anything in my life like that. So I was making my oatmeal, and we started getting on the subject of Andrew getting arrested. We talk about, oh, you have a background check, because we have an announcement coming up but oh big announcement folks andrew and i are about to embark on this journey um that involves him getting a background check me getting about like and signing contracts and stuff and you were talking to a lawyer about a background check and i said have you been arrested more than just you know having a warrant out for your arrest when you were speeding in a manatee zone, which he covered the other day? And you said, yes.

Yes, I have. I got arrested in college. We were out. We were at a bar called. That was me, you guys. Just kidding. It wasn't. We were at a bar called Miss Maze, which is a New Orleans staple,

which is probably underwater right now. R.I.P. No, actually. So this bar, a little history on this bar, has never closed. Ever. It only closed for an hour and a half during Katrina. Like that's like the story behind it. But like really, it's never. It's open 24 hours a day.

It probably still could have popped in, but you had to float in so yeah you get a floaty baby yeah put a little floater on there a little 151 and bacardi so this place is never closed it's been open since 1786 it's literally across the street from a police station my buddy there was and they built that across the street because they were like let's just i mean it's pretty yeah my friend used to have a joke that they should have a breathalyzer on the um the taco bell drive-thru speaker oh my god at 3 a.m and it would just like they could just collect you know it's like a speed trap yeah sometimes you think cops could easily get more drunk drivers if they wanted but anyways yeah so um we're in the bar and this girl i i felt like was like looking at me like checking me out i was hammered yeah and i was like and then i was

looking at her and she's like what are you looking at that's what she said to me she goes what are you looking at i go uh i don't know nothing that special i guess something like that something along like because she was like a podcast the other day you're not special but you're yeah you're lovable well she wasn't either and uh and so and so she goes to me she goes she she she gets her friend and like she taps her friend she goes this guy's a fucking asshole and then next thing you know uh her friend like gets in my face and then I get my buddy Seth and I was like this girl's being kind of a bitch. He's like yeah you're a bitch to her and then she throws

her drink in my buddy's face. My buddy reacts and throws his drink in her face. Then the two guys end up getting This is a classic new orleans night classic beginning of the fight so let's get to it you get in a fight yeah so they get they get in a fight

i just break it up the owner of miss maze who obviously is very good friends with the cops across the street yeah he gets in the middle he puts on the close sign he goes we're this is the hour we're gonna yeah yeah we're gonna yeah. We're going to close down. You guys, the closing time. Let's wrap this up. You go, guys, you never close. You never close, man. Make the freaking treat up for 22 minutes, bro.

If you live in New Orleans, I'm sure you're enjoying this story. So then. Beignet. Danny. Beignet? Beignet? Beignet. Yeah, Kanye.

Oh, yeah. I guess I say like, yay. Beignet. I never had a beignet beignet beignet yeah kanye so yeah i guess i say like yay i never had a beignet anyway so um you look like you look like a bit maybe i am what i eat you would think you are what you don't eat if you put some sugar powder on me i'm just kidding brenna we miss you so much I miss you baby So they get in a fight I break it up I push the owner Which is just a mistake But I really wasn't fighting I was just trying to break it up

But it all started because this girl goes What are you looking at Well it started with you just drunkenly Gazing at her Yeah I probably gazed a little bit I've been gazed so uh anyways so anyhow that didn't work so we're walking down the street me and seth and we're like okay we got away we didn't get in the fight everything's fine next you know four cop cars

roll up on us and i'm like oh my god like i've never been arrested do like put your hands behind your back i was like we didn't even fight we didn't even throw a punch the owner definitely called the cops from across the street it was like take care of these fucking kids he put his hand out and goes guys over here yeah pretty much yeah and and he had a soup can with a string that led to their window like a a teen in an 80s movie with his neighbor yeah they were across the street so we end up going to jail i do remember being so drunk i was in the back i took the handcuffs you know me i'm not that flexible i i managed to put the handcuffs in front of me which cops don't like that when they open the door and they're like oh what are you doing you got the

handcuffs in front and then i remember you're like ta-da they're like ta-da you're going you're gonna spend another four years in jail yeah and so and uh but i was drunk and i was like oh i'm in jail my handcuffs are in front you made a good point that when white people go to jail white college kids white college kids it's like a good this is a story this is something this is a temporary thing and and i don't mean to say like every black person that goes to jail doesn't feel that way too but i think it's a different vibe for white people that go like i celebrate my arrest like there was a part of me that thought this might be forever because when you are handcuffed and you're sober you realize like this is out of my control and it's the worst feeling but there is like always a uh the way white people talk about being arrested is always like you said it was like bungee jumping

yeah that was a great you know you're not gonna get hurt and you know you're gonna have a good time and a good story and it's and you're gonna and you could get hurt though but and it's like kind of risky and like kind of makes you a badass but in the end it's not gonna affect your life as much as maybe someone else and black people i don't know if they bungee jump all i know is i was i was in there and uh so i go downtown they take me to jail they put me in a holding cell with like 20 other guys at first one of the guys actually owned the pizza place that we would see all the time and we're like hey what's up man he's like yeah they got me for a dui i was like it's cool you know whatever like pretending like we're like these cool badass guys you know so we're in jail we're

in this holding tank there's one shitter in the middle of the tank when did the thing happen with you and the boxers oh so i'll tell you so then so i thought we'd get out you know in a couple hours next thing you know they're like well you're going thing you know, they're like, well, you're going upstairs. You got to put it. This is the time to put the orange jumpsuit on. So I'm like, and I'm starting to get more sober. So I'm like, oh, no, I'm just a nice Jewish boy. Like I went from like this badass, like drunk guy.

So they get me in the holding cell. And it's a square of like the biggest badass New Orleans criminals. And then just me, my buddy Seth. And how many guys are in this? Honestly, like 30 guys. Okay. And they're all in a square. So you can see everyone.

That are being transferred to the orange suits. Yes. Okay, from the holding cell to the jail. So you got to take off your clothes that you're wearing to put on the orange jumpsuit. Right. So everyone goes, they go strip down to your boxers.

Strip down to your boxers, they say. I was free balling, which I would do in college. My jeans really stank. They smelled like, you know. If you just knew to the show, Andrew went through a really depressive phase in college and didn't take care of himself. And he barely does laundry now, and that's not offensive to you. No.

You don't do it as much as girls do. No. But I don't think any guys really do. I put everything together. It's mashed potatoes and a steak all go in at the same time. Yeah. It's a Thanksgiving dinner in the washer. Put it on cold.

Yeah. And that's why I got to empty out the gravy tray after every time you use it. I've been emptying out that tray a lot. I know. Thank you. So you were not very – you didn't take care of yourself at this time i i heard that you you go you know i think a lot of guys don't wear boxers in college like with with their jeans and i go i don't think that's a thing i don't know i think it was like a

rock and roll phase where you just like you wear jeans until they fucking turn into fucking trash the reason you wear i realize wear underwear when girls don't wear underwear it's like sexy and they're wearing jeans and they're like i'm not wearing anything i'm like then your your jeans are gonna smell like pussy like you would never re-wear under then your jeans are your underwear and now you're re-wearing underwear do you understand what i'm saying so it's like i think the idea that denim is thicker so for some reason it works like stronger than underwear yes it definitely does for sure like and you can kind of it maybe does it hide stains more but you were getting pre-cum and like just drips from your post-cum cum during cum dc you were getting it all you're getting you know piss

when you didn't shake your dick off enough you probably have little shit stains in there because you know little you have there's streaks i mean dirty dirty jeans that you probably never i would say you never wash these no they weren't no they just they molded around me yeah so and then he kind of put it together that back in college he had a girlfriend that would like she blew me one time she only blew him one time and we were talking about it he brought it up to he goes no uh or he's there in to 69 was the only time that she ever blew me. I was on top. Yeah, because she just couldn't get away from it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no. It was a hate crime. Yeah. She wanted to do a 73, but like you. She wanted the 86 out of there. She wanted to call 187. She wanted to call the cops across the street.

Soup can. You wish a girl said soup can when she opened up your pants. I've gotten tuna can opener. Bimble. What's it for? So then Andrew said that one time we were talking about how like she never went down on him which to me like if you're in a relationship girl i've heard of guys not going down on girls and that's it's usually just because of the girl's insecure or the guy is just a just thinks it's i don't know there's a or it could be like a smell thing and the guy's too embarrassed to

tell the girl and the girl doesn't know about it but then we realized it was definitely because your dick was just uh slopping around in those my grundle must have smelled like grendel you know what i mean it was bad under there it was moldy there was he said that i loved that you go i remember when you pointed that out to me nikki like i always thought my girlfriend was like kind of a stingy yeah like didn't want to go down on me because she just, like, but she was probably just, like, didn't want to die. Yeah, yeah. Didn't want to catch sepsis. That in my dick was way too big.

Yeah, and she, like, had such a tiny little mouth. Yeah, such a little mouth and no teeth. So, Andrew drops Trow in this holding cell. And I'm the only one. Only one. Only one not wearing boxers out of fucking 40 guys so there was like

and you know what you know how insecure he is about the size of his penis even though Andrew is definitely average at best and

and which is like fine you know me I'm a girl that like hates when girls talk about

I need a big dick guys need to have big dicks like if you're listening to the show and you have a small dick fucking I would date you we could have a great relationship, and I would be so sexually satisfied Let's stop saying that girls But so I've but you you're someone who in the past has really compared yourself to other men's dicks and been like kind of obsessed With it, but guys know this every guy knows this when you have to show your dick to cough during a physical if you have to

get naked in a shower with your good no and yeah and because of that your dick goes inside your it becomes a clit yeah it becomes less than a clit um so you i asked him i go no because this is just the this is the worst degrees in there by the way it was cold in there so much pressure spotlight on my dick because i'm the only one giant dick you being the only naked guy with all these really rough and tough guys 30 of them including your friend who is going to tell everyone about everybody yeah like otherwise if you were alone it would be like you your story to keep yeah yeah um but your friend sees you laughing at you you never want to witness and you have to and i said

did you try to hide it but you the cutest thing is he goes i tried to hide it but like also act like i wasn't trying to hide it which there's so much going on in his brain it was like katrina in your fucking brain it was a storm of like i wish i could close down for an hour but i couldn't it was bad it was bad i was like yeah miss maze i was like half covering but a half is just like we have one minute to get to the news oh so anyway so then they put me in the orange jumpsuit i go into my own jail cell and i walk in and there's the biggest baddest looking dude i've ever seen in my life he was probably 450 pounds black guy probably six foot four and he had mashed potatoes all over his face and you know was he white maybe it was he used your jeans as a napkin

i feel like his face looked like you the inside of your jeans when you say mashed potatoes just like smears of white you know exactly like it and then i was like he was like a sleeping bear like you were like oh my god i'm so scared i was so sheltered at the time from even like i didn't have that many black friends and then you're in new orleans you're in jail so then i'm like imagining the worst thing ever you're projecting so many fears onto him so as soon as he starts um waking from his hibernation what he's like he's kind of rolling coming out of sleeping looks at me, and he's like half sleeping, and I walk right up to the top bunk.

He's already looking at him when the guy opens his eyes. Andrew's already staring at him with his hand extended. I go, hi there. I'm Andrew Collin. Full name. Hi, sir. I'm Andrew Collin. And he shakes his hand.

And I shake his hand, and he's like, what is going on? He probably thinks I'm like a like a undercover cop so it turns out that this guy got arrested for public intoxication he was the nicest guy ever he was so nice they bonded when andrew gets out he leaves behind the guy and what did you say to the guy so we get along we're talking about life whatever i find out he's in there for public intoxication he goes hey man i tried to call my wife she didn't pick up here's my phone number i was like man i got you my word is bond he goes i'm gonna call your wife he goes can you do one thing for me call my wife when you get out of here and let her know i'm okay

we shook on it again and then i'm gonna reach out to her and like if she's worried about me and he goes my word is bond and then he went to a keg party and never followed up and to me i cannot i am so every time i eat mashed potatoes i think i'm gonna get stabbed your word is bond all right yeah it's uh gold bond yeah yeah it is uh powdery and it looks like if you put it on me i'd look like a little vignette that story that's my origin story. Now, there's so much more to tell because we got into it, but Andrew is a bottomless pit of great stories,

and I love how honest you are and how you'll tell every little detail of these stories that you just think most people would take to their grave, and you should have taken it to your grave because you should have died back then so many times because of how you lived. I should have got sepsis for my genes. Oh my God.

I just found that with sepsis. I know I did too. We just, did we find that out yesterday? No, I asked you what it was. Yeah, you asked me and I said, it's a blood poisoning, which I believe is like if you have an infection, it goes into your blood. Yeah, but you didn't look that, you didn't look that up. I know.

I just, I'm guessing. Oh. But I think that's what it is. So neither one of us know. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Yeah, first everybody.

Oh, I hope you're having a great time. I hope you have a great weekend out there. Have all the swells and make sure you guys, if you're living in Texas, wear a condom because you know, government. Shout out to people in Texas who are so ashamed of living in that state and feel like, ugh. Yeah.

Like, I, you know, people are like, are you going to cancel your Austin date? And I'm like, oh, I didn't even know. Like, yeah, you don't want to give, the government's going to make money off of my show. Do you want to support a government, like a. You don't want to keep entertainment away from the people that actually don't. But you also want to incentivize people to take a stand against spend. I don't know. It's tough.

And the answer is no, I'm not canceling it. Yeah. I got to pay my Corolla. Um, yeah, I donated to plan parenthood yesterday. If you have the money to give,

um, there's so many charities out there and it felt really good. Like, fuck yeah. It takes two seconds. You know, that's the thing where it's, when you donate,

it doesn't, sometimes it's so fast. Cause you just like all your information fills in on your phone and it's like boom, money just gone. It doesn't feel as good as like putting a money in a tip jar, taking it out. Yeah, it's like a Venmo transfer. It's almost so quick that you – because sometimes you buy things and it's so fast you don't realize you're spending the money and that's good for capitalism. But like for philanthropy, you kind of want some tangible thing of like i gave and i will say that despite the transaction being so fast and i did it within seconds i let it sink in that like i did something selfless i used money that i could have used on a sephora thing um on that like i and i'm not gonna

spend that money on something else like it's not i do have expendable money to be able to do that and i'm grateful for that app for that or is it just i just went to planned parenthood.org and okay they i think they they've been sending me texts because i donate to them monthly but they sent me texts of like fuck shit just went down that's the only way i found out about it i don't get bad news otherwise unless i get nancy pelosi writing me hey it's nancy i'm always like, is this my aunt or Pelosi? Both are asking me for money. All right.

What's the news? Dating apps are adding. Yes. Speaking of abortion. No, but dating apps are adding new features to make the apps more than just mindless swiping. They're adding like all these different features of like video and shit to keep you on the app. So they're trying to almost become their own Facebook and keep you on there longer

so then they get more advertisers. That's what every social media company is doing is it's not your money that is your time, it's your attention that they want. It's your attention. They're going after your screen time, the hours you see on your phone. And your attention like that that they want it's your attention they're going after your screen time the hours you see on your phone and i always forget that i think oh as long as i'm not spending money i'm not getting tricked but it's not about that it's about your time and now so

what are they doing because i i want to get into a new app if you think about it too like especially if you don't pay for the app like bumble or whatever you get like 30 swipes which you're swiping in a matter of 20 seconds. Bumble, you only get 30? Or whatever. Sometimes they limit it. There's a limited number. So if you're swiping quick

and you're only looking at the first photo, you're on there for two minutes. Yeah, and on Bumble, especially in like a more rural, that reminds me of that 30 Rock play that Jenna is in. It's called The Rural Juror. And everyone's, she's like, I'm doing a play.

Liz, are you coming to my movie? And they're like, yeah. And she's like, The Rural Juror. And they're like, The Rural Juror. So in rural areas, that word sucks. So Bumble. Bumble, the guys, the quality drops off after five. So it's like, I'm on there for two seconds.

That's true, too. Also, the last 95% haven't matched with you. So you're like. Oh, yeah. For girls, it's different. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Okay.

Bumble has a new feature that lets users set up a virtual trivia date if they match with someone. That's kind of fun. They can also send voice memos to each other. Wait, let me pull up my Bumble right now and see if that's all happened i used to pay for bumble premium tinder has swipe night a live interactive dating feature where singles follow a storyline together at the end they'll be able to talk about the story analyze different clues and help solve the mystery together listen this doesn't sound like it's gonna take off but at least they're trying they should also have an app app where you meet up to fuck.

Oh, this is interesting. Swipe right to see three. I'm on Bumble right now. It says swipe right to see three short films inspired by real Bumble success stories. That's kind of I would watch that. Actually, I like hearing about success stories of people who have met on these apps because that's how people are meeting now. I feel like that's like it's weird to meet in person.

It's the opposite. I know. If you're someone out there who just is single and you are looking for a relationship or hookup or whatever and you're like, I'm not going to do the apps. Stop it. I'm going back to that same thing I said the other day about people who say, I can't meditate. My thoughts are, I'm a person that really- I don't watch TV.

I have a lot of thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't meditate. It's like everyone thinks that. That's why you meditate. You're not special. Even if you have the worst ADD, you can still meditate. You can still at least attempt to it.

You're not special. You're lovable. So if you're, yes, exactly. You're not unique. Stop opting out of things because you're scared and embarrassed and feel like, if someone sees me on them, if someone sees you on Bumble, they're on Bumble too. So I had this talk with one of my friends of like, because she was like, I can't do it.

I just, it's not for me. And I go, all you do, you complain about not being able to find a guy. Stop. Then sign up to be alone because this is how it's happening, bitch. Especially with COVID, we're not going out anymore and socializing as much but also though if you are on these dating sites don't just stay on the dating site meet up in person even yeah i mean you know what i mean like i think like yeah i uh i a bumble though is hard for me because i it requires the woman to make the first move and a lot of times you know i talk about this book

getting to i do about male and female energy and how you need to like lean into one or the other and it's very a masculine energy thing for a woman to make the first move there's a way to do it on bumble i think that allows the man to still be in that position of uh of a masculine energy you can ask him something what do you think about something that's a masculine energy. You can ask him something, what do you think about something? That's a masculine question to ask. Or you can say, let me know if you have, or like you can,

there's got to, I don't know, Noah, what would you think would be a good line? I guess you could open the discussion while also not taking like a masculine role. Like you can, by asking a question, yeah, you're initiating,

but that doesn't mean you're taking control. Well, Dr. Pat Allen, who wrote Getting Too Edu, said never be the first to initiate. But she wasn't around during Bumble. I know, so I wonder what she would say. Noah, what do you think is a good opening line? I would say that Bumble is kind of like the invitation. So it's like when you're reaching out to the guy first you're inviting him in and then he can take over and then you can have like that role dynamic you

could just say hi just say hi or like a winky phase or something like that because we're like eyes like like because you're supposed to do a five second stare right to get the guy to talk to you exactly um women aren't if you want to be a to be a guy to come up to you and be a feminine energy woman, you're supposed to give him a five second stare and stare at him for five seconds because that's without question he'll know that you're into him. So yeah, a hi or just a little, even a dot, dot, dot. Like to let him know that he has permission now to talk to you. Because that's the only way. I think you write, hey, picking you up on Thursday at 9 p.m.

Wear something sexy, you little bitch. Something like that. I think you should write. That's a little, I wrote, can I say what I wrote to a guy? Yeah. Let's hear it. I said, hi, you're one of the best looking men in St. Louis. Congrats.

That's great. What do you think of that noah very complimentary it wasn't asking anything it wasn't me like going come here it was just like this is a thing this is just a truth here you go here's a trophy yeah everyone wants a trophy yeah and it's true. I mean, like I said, Bumble stacks the attractive people first. So you go, oh, my God, this is like awesome. And then it drops off severely. And it's just. The problem is all those people are matching. Like everyone's getting those same five people.

So to get them to actually date you is very difficult. Well. Not you. I'm just saying, you know, someone not as hot. No, it's not about hotness. I'm just saying someone not as hot. No, it's not about hotness. I think it's about... Well, apps are mainly about your hotness and that's unfortunate because

I wish there was a way to put your energy or your pheromones in it. Whatchamacallit on Ted Lasso, banter. Oh, banter, yeah. It's all based off of how witty you are. Banta, I can do a very good impression of, at least i'm trying of um of of what's the little girl yeah keely if she's like rebecca she kind of like talks like a little mouse i think she's so hot and i really want to like

role play as her because i there's someone i've talked to who's i can tell is kind of into her into her. Because when we've watched or talked about Ted Lasso, I can just feel his energy being kind of horny for her. And so I think I want to dress as her for Halloween or something. Because it's a good Halloween costume. And sometimes I just talk like this. Have you ever worn a brunette wig in bed? No, but I just got low lights.

So I'm getting there yeah low lights sounds so fucked up because it's like highlights is blonde hair and low lights is brown hair i mean it's yeah it's just a color spectrum man yeah all right next story a quick thinking uk teen rushes to save people trapped in a burning building and said she knew what to do because of her favorite Disney TV show, 9-1-1. There's a Disney TV show called 9-1-1? Yeah, I guess. It's just people. Is this just cops?

It's cops for kids. It's not really a Disney. It's just on Disney Plus, Andrew. I'm not sure the network that does it. Oh, 9-1-1 is a, yeah, it's a drama show. It's like about cops. About like emergency services. Yeah, I think that Colin Donnell guy is on that show. No, that's

Chicago Med, but it's one of those shows. Okay, I thought it was like Cop Kids. You thought it was like Kim Possible? Or like That's So Raven? Yeah, it's like people getting like shot and stabbed, but like in cartoon form. The backyard of cops! That was a reference that you didn't hear the other day. Okay.

This 14-year-old was walking her dog when she noticed a burning smell like her favorite TV show about emergency services. She decided to investigate and found black smoke coming out of the apartment building. She ran to her dad. And got a camera. They got a camera. They filmed the whole thing. And a trailer and craft services. And she just got her own show on Epcotville.

Okay. Disney. Epcot minus. Okay, Disney. Epcot minus. Okay, so. Low lights. Yeah, so her dad, so they brought a ladder. And so a bunch of people got out on the ladder that they brought over. Wow. So through watching a TV show, she managed to figure it out.

I mean, I guess it's pretty ballsy to do something like that. I don't know if I would do something like that. No, you we don't have a ladder you would not do that and i don't know that you do it now would you have done it no because you know what i'm someone who and i'll say this is like a really this is a character flaw that i'm working on like i'm someone who kind of falls for the bystander effect which is yes you know someone else kitty genevese was murdered in 1930 or 40 maybe in the 50s in new york and brooklyn it was a famous story she got stabbed by this guy uh on her way home from work and she was screaming for help and i think it was like something like 50 people heard this woman shrieking for help and they all assumed that someone else

was going to call for help and so no one did did. And then the guy not only left her stabbed, crying for help, she then got into a corridor and got safe, still screaming for help. And he came back. He had time to come back and finish her off because no one did anything. And so that was like the touchstone moment

for people to be like, there's a problem with people turning a blind eye because they assume someone else is going to handle it and someone has to and that's why when there is an emergency and you're someone who is taking initiative and maybe someone fell on the street and you're over there like you know talking to them you need to point at someone they say to point at someone go you wow call 9-1-1 because if you just scream call 9-1-1 everyone can guess oh that person's calling 911 but really they're on their phone videoing it you know like so you're supposed to point and say you do it

i'm someone who one time i was driving from st louis to ku back home it's across missouri on highway 70 and in front of me was this pickup truck that was hauling a u-haul and something happened it swerved and it's it started flipping in the middle of the road and theing a u-haul and something happened it swerved and it's it started flipping in the middle of the road and the the u-haul truck behind it was doing like it was flipping together it was like slow motion and i'm just too scared to see a dead body or like a crump like i just was too scared and there were cars behind me and i was the first car like right behind it yeah i just went around it yeah i couldn't and that open road i'll tell you that was a nice little stretch open road no i i couldn't i

couldn't handle it i wasn't prepared like i was at a point in my life where like i was too selfish also i think like what could i do you know some of the sometimes it's like it's i mean that's an easy cop out but it's like like what could I have possibly done? But yeah. But yes, you can't do a lot. I could have called 911 even when I was driving. So now I have to make up for that in my life. And so when I do see things now, like I saw a man like writhing in the side of the –

Writhing? Writhing. Like writhing. Like rolling around on the highway. I was driving to the airport and he was just like in the side at the on the grass in the highway in like kind of a ditch and i knew because of the biasing effect people were gonna assume that there's so many cars on this highway someone's gonna call him about him and i my mom was in the car and i go i'm calling 9-1-1 and she

was like don't do that someone out and i go no i have to make up for that time like that's that's my amends you have to make an amends too for that. For mashed potatoes. For mashed potatoes. You've got to do something that you wouldn't have done. Put the good out there that you didn't for that guy and do a favor for someone like that. You need to go get arrested and say you'll call their wife.

I will. And then don't go to the kegger that I invite you to to tempt you, to test you. Dude, don't test me with a kegger. You know me. All right. Let's actually take a quick break and then we'll be back with our weekly sports moment. Thrilling.

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Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Mini Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests.

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Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's do our weekly segment where Andrew gets to indulge in sharing a sports story that I could maybe care less about, but let's see. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. That was the same tone that your girlfriend had

when she would take off your pants. When she blew me one time. Here's Andrew's yearly blowjob. I honestly think you're going to like this story. I usually do. I mean, I'm getting into sports, man. I love that about you. I just got some rollerblades.

I'm going to get into tampons or whatever. I said yesterday, I go, Andrew, I'm getting into sports. I got got rollerblades and he's like okay well that's not that's not sports i like rollerblades but i just thought you were like you were talking about boxing i was like oh my god she's gonna get into football we're gonna be able to talk about different like no i'm getting rollerblading baby and she's just rollerblading around the park which i would do with you because i did rollerblade as a kid. Yeah, I love it. ESPN, okay, listen to the story. So ESPN aired a high school football game

that had a fake team. Bishop Sycamore appears to have been just an online charter school with a website that resembles worse than a Tumblr blog, right? This is like Trump University.

Yes. The head coach had an active arrest warrant for fraud, and the players lost to a high school team 58-0. A lot of the players on the team were like 25, and they had like fake jerseys. These are guys that just wanted to play football, and a guy that wanted to coach? On TV, on ESPN. And they got it.

How did they get that? Because people didn't do any bad. It just shows you that like. You just register as a school and if you have a website or anything, there's one person maybe checking it. She's having a rough day. Her computer is not loading. She's like, it's a real website. It's just down right now. And then like. They were

like, yeah, we have a ton of D1 players on our team. And so he's watching the game and you're seeing it unravel on Twitter. Did you see it? I watched some of the game. Is it crazy? But you watch people writing on Twitter, like, that's not a real school. And then you see it coming into the announcers,

and then the announcers are like, we can't verify any of these people being D1 recruits. Is this an ESPN offshoot, or was this ESPN? Oh, I don't know. It might have been Disney+. ESPN Epcot. Epcotville. Yeah, yeah.

It was pretty much Maine. But so the team that they're playing is this team called IMG Academy, who they recruit. They're in Florida. They recruit. You know about this team. Yeah, well, IMG is like a huge sports agent. Got it.

So this team is known. It as the best team in the country. For high school? For high school football. And you're a big high school football fan. Yeah, yeah. You follow it. I follow it. So they recruit from everywhere, from all over the country.

Did you love this story? Yeah, dude, because this team, they finagled a way to play the number one team in the country, and it's just these guys were sharing helmets there was a video of a guy walking off and threw his helmet to another guy because they didn't have enough this is going to be a movie oh 100 great iron gang or whatever yeah like the bad news bears kind of i've never seen that movie but just like a bunch of i said it's the jesse smollett of high school oh my god hilarious so they lost 58 nothing through the throughout like the announcers were like i think we're kind of worried about the safety of these you know these men that are

playing oh my god and like it was just it was such an amazing story of like you can bullshit your way because no one really everyone thinks there's no way I get on ESPN. They're going to check. They're a big, it's all confidence. It's all confidence. It's all acting like you belong there and convincing people that they're wrong to even question you. I mean, when I used to shoplift in like college,

there was always, I just knew, well, when I got caught, I was walking out of the store and the beeper went off. But like that happens sometimes when you didn't shoplift, you know, like it just there's something on your shirt that you're wearing. And whenever that happens, you just because you didn't steal anything. You just go now like you kind of look at the cash register and you go, I don't know.

And they go go, you know. Yeah. But when you have stolen something, you those blood drains out of your face so quickly. You look like powder, that movie, right away. And then they know. But I know that really good criminals like Catch Me If You Can, that Leonardo. He just was – these people actually do work to believe that they belong. So if you walk into a place confidently – I used to have a friend that one time she wanted to go to the gym with me i was a member of la fitness she was visiting she didn't she wasn't

a member and i went in and she was like i'm just gonna walk in with you like i'll scan my card and walk in they'll i do this all the time and she's a person that like has so much confidence no one questions it and i walked in with her and i looked so guilty that they stopped and were like, ma'am, like, what are you doing? And she was like, you fucking just act cool. And I'm like,

I can't, I can't be that confident. Well, I do think there's, there's a, one, there's a level of confidence too. There's a level of the employee doesn't really give a shit.

So like we think, Oh, they would catch us, but they really don't care there's like a there there's a balance there of them not caring either yes yes but like espn like i don't know i don't know how many teams actually wants to play against img because they are that good you're gonna look like shit so there's like teams that are like number one in ohio that will play img and lose by 40 points right and think about if you're this you know it's like a big fish in a small pond and then

you come to New York City and you're like. This is definitely going to be a movie. I mean, someone has bought the rights to this story without question. Yeah, watch those guys. Will Smith or someone is going to do this. I can't wait for it. Anyhow, fun story though, right? So good.

Let's get to Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax. Fanthrax all right this is our weekly segment where we go through our fan mail um and we call it fanthrax because people used to send anthrax through the mail we don't really know what we're gonna get sometimes but this is uh our fans writing in leaving us voice messages which the link to that to leave us a voice memo is in our bio on our Instagram page, which you have to request access to because it's private.

Nikki Glazer pod. Let's get to him. Noah. All right. First one is Brandy. I had to stop the podcast and leave a fan tracks immediately. I'm going to your show by myself in Denver and absolutely love the idea of other besties hanging out,

like all of us together. I believe it's the second show. Maybe we could all grab drinks or dinner beforehand. I'll leave a post in the Reddit. Awesome. Well, there we go. I just said that they should make a subreddit for Nikki Glazer Pod. So she's going to leave a post in the Nikki Glazer Reddit, which I don't go to

anymore. But Brandy is going to post. That's from Brandy. Brandy's going to post there. So if you are also going to the Denver show, join her and maybe you guys can meet up and have a new friend. And we'll post in our story on Nikki Glazer Pod of meetup groups. But I do want them to make

a subreddit. Brandy, thank you so much for going to the Denver show. I do have to say that night I want to warn people in Denver ahead of time that I will be recording something that night. I'll be recording my special that night. I'm not going to say who for, but I'm recording a new hour standup special and it will be that night in denver both shows no i hope you can be there too um uh andrew will certainly be there and that um those shows usually i do like an hour and 20 minutes or like up to two hours of material unfortunately on those shows i will have to keep it at a tight hour but i promise you it will be a very good refined hour. And so I just want to give a heads up for that. If you're like, it was only an hour, but it will be a TV taping.

And if you have good enough seats and we're going to do crowd shots, wides, you know, so you'll maybe see yourself, maybe wear something bright so you can like pick yourself out. Have a little bestie section. Have a sign that will tell you to hold down during the taping? No. But it's going to be spectacular and a really fun night. And Andrew, unfortunately, I don't know that if you'll be performing that night.

But you'll be there. I'll take the night off. So if besties are looking forward to seeing Andrew that night, I just want to give you a heads up. He might not be performing that night because I kind of just need a guy guy that does you know that pumps the crowd up in that way and although you're really good at it like i need i've done too many specials where i just have a funny person in front of me and it needs to be more nuts and bolts of like here's how a taping works guys and stuff so i'm trying to work away for you to do a set and make an appearance but um i'm really excited to tape in denver and it's one of my favorite cities to perform in and i'm doing it at the um i think it's what is it called paramount the paramount yes that's i thought i had it wrong the paramount

theater which is beautiful and it's gonna yeah so if you if you want to get tickets to those shows i think there's still some available you can be on camera and uh it'll be a special night and i hope to film some like theater shots from outside, people getting excited about it. Who knows what will make the final cut, but thank you. Let's get to the next fanthrax. Did you want to read one from your messages?

Yes. Okay. So this one was really good today. And this one's a little bit like my defense cockles went up. So it said, Hey Nikki, this is from Stuti. Hey Nikki,

I listened to your podcast after, I listened to your podcast after a very long time. I took hiatus from you because you mispronounced and made fun of my name once on your old podcast. But I started missing your comedy and content and came back to it recently. I listened to one where you cried and receive hate mails for taking ADD meds. And I wanted to say I'm so sorry you received such unsolicited opinions from people. Please continue to be you and vulnerable with us your audience no one should be telling you what to put in your body love big fan Stuti Stuti um and I wrote to her saying you know I'm so sorry I made fun of your name and made made you feel like that I I I can't imagine that that was my intent but like it doesn't matter what my intent was like

you and felt that way and I'm so sorry I made you feel that way and will you tell me how to pronounce your name so I can get it right and so it's uh Stuti and I'm so grateful that you gave me another chance and that um and that you're back on board and thank you so much for writing such a lovely message that is you know makes me feel and that was kind of like the same kind of message I got from so many people after last week's shows of just just so sweet and like what I just can't say enough how much I appreciate it I didn't ever think that I could be so grateful for fans I really just just, I didn't know this. And it just makes my life worth living.

Yeah. Let me play you one more. I think this is just because of her profession. It's important. Hi, Nikki. My name is Megan. I'm calling from Chicago. I was just listening to the Speeding in a Manatee Zone episode

and the end and the beginning of you talking about these bad comments on Reddit really got to me. I actually subscribe to the Reddit. I'm actually the one who created the KISS subreddit, so I spend a lot of time on there and I know exactly what you're talking about. And I'm not trying to bring it up again

or make you think about it more, draw attention to it, but I actually am a therapist in real life and my day to day job and just want to tell you that it's OK to be sad and to like hurt, even though your life is good. And that's something that I've struggled with and that I work on with my own clients a lot is like recognizing your own pain because like life is hard and suffering is part of it and there's no nobody gets a free pass from that unfortunately no matter how much money how much fame how popular you are nobody gets an easy ride so just wanted to validate that for you and I mean if people were writing that stuff about myself about me on reddit I mean I want to cry thinking about it. Because I think we're all still like that little eight

year old inside or 15 year old inside. And we all still have our insecurities. And it's just like, it's painful, no matter what. She's so sweet. What was her name again? Megan. Megan. Megan. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for that. And it like almost just made me cry again. You are so, when therapists listen to the show, I have a lot of therapist fans actually. And it's, that means so much. It's so validating to me that they enjoy the show because those are highly empathetic

and like, you know, smart people, emotionally intelligent people. Well, you helped our business. I've given you know, smart people, emotionally intelligent people. Well, you helped our business. I've given you guys a lot of money over the years. Yeah, you should be 10% money back. That's so funny. I really appreciate that, Megan. Like, oh, God, thank you.

Thank you. You know what that means to me. And I think a lot of people, I hope a lot of people listened to that just now and stopped doing the thing of like, oh, what do I have to complain about? Oh, my life is good. Or you might have people telling you that in your own life. And they're wrong. You're right. Who did I read about last night that has the best life and they were sad?

And I kind of started to have those thoughts. And then I remembered, no, everyone, no matter how good your life is. Meghan Markle wanted to kill herself. Meghan Markle was suicidal and was about to be, was pregnant, was, you know, I don't think she's a princess. She did marry a ginger, though. Yeah, that's one of the leading symptoms of suicide. Can you imagine? I'm just kidding, gingers.

Yes, gingers are actually, I'm very into them. Yeah, they're hot. Yeah. So I just want to say that was super nice and thank you for creating the subreddit which i follow on my secret account and i'm always wanting to post stuff but i feel like people i'm gonna out myself but sometimes i log into the nikki glazer one to upvote stuff and comment and let's keep let's keep populating that account with cuz someone the other day i could on my on my own nikki glazer because a guy was wearing a shirt that said i lubricate my ar-15 with liberal tears and he was

like walking like with this dump gate and he he like passed by a car and was like thank you baby he said to the woman driving and then his two buddies following him were like dude your shirt i can't get over your shirt and he's just the leader of the pack it is i have to post i'm gonna go post it on k on the subreddit because it deserves it's it deserves a hall of fame in the kiss up like it was the kiss thing i've ever seen but i said k in my story and i posted and some guy goes what is that noise you're making at the end and i go k and he goes it seems like i want to get mad at it because he this guy was a guy that liked that guy's shirt and he goes i like that guy's shirt and i was like it's and he goes it seems like i want to get mad at it because he this guy was a guy that liked that guy's shirt and he goes i like that guy's shirt and i was like it's and he goes but what does

that sound you're making and i go go look at the i go go to the subreddit and it'll explain everything so megan thank you for giving me a shortcut to send people and he wrote back and he goes yeah that was he was like there's a word now to describe so many things in my life so if you're new to the show because a word that you can go find the definition of by going to the subreddit C-O-U-H-L, Kuh. And you could use any tears to lubricate an AR-15, not just liberal. I wish I would have said something to him. Like, I wanted to say something like, it's so cool.

My tears are going to use, man. Like, I wanted to say something to him. Like, I wish I, jerk store. I had a jerk store moment. Like I want to say something to him. Like I wish I jerk store. I had a jerk store moment. And I didn't even come up with a good comeback. No, is there any more fan tracks? There's an endless amount, but I really want to share this mispronunciation story. Wow.

How ironic. Don't you think? Okay. It's from Sydney. Hey, no droopy. This is Sydney from New Jersey. I am calling with a mispronunciation. So in college, I took a class on human trafficking.

Kind of a dark origin story for this mispronunciation. But basically, there was only a couple men in the class. And one of them was giving a presentation on female genital mutilation and he was kind of doing a rundown of the various kinds of fgm um so he was describing the various parts of the vagina and he kept using this word that had us all stumped he kept calling it the labia majora. And he kept using this word, and all the women in the class are kind of looking around like, what is this guy talking about?

What is the labia majora? That's not a thing. And eventually, like at the very end of the presentation, the professor chimed in and was like, just letting you know, it's pronounced labia majora. Turns out, this guy thinks that it is in Spanish, hence the Mahora. Anyway, that's my mispronunciation. I absolutely love the pod. It sounds like a Jewish dance.

I love you all. And squirt, squirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, Sydney, you're the best. She has such a calming voice. I know. We have such calming listeners. Oh, my God.

I could listen to her talk for an hour about human- Female genital mutilation? Yeah. I could listen to that girl talk about any- It's certain tones. I thought that was a football school in Florida when she said that. I go, oh, we're back on the sports thing. No, that's a great one.

I love that that guy took- That's like when people say, oh, I'm going to, I'll get the bean burrito with extra cheese and guacamole. And you're like, mm, okay. But that guy was just trying to be like- How do you spell it? M-A-J-O-R-A. So anything that ends with an A, you might give it a Spanish thing.

Yeah, it makes sense. It's like a female thing. It's like and the word whore is in it so that's probably sounded right to him when he was talking about women who are have fgm because that's all based on people thinking i don't know what it's based on final thought yeah you know what i love i like sydney because she goes it's starting off on like a really dark thing that's like what this podcast is we go to dark places and like find the light in them so i liked it what did you like about it no i just love when i hear these mispronunciations and i

don't know exactly what was yeah you would have been one of the guys and i was just like which word is wrong like and like and like i know that you are knowing that i don't like i could feel no but i don't i thought you would know it majora um is there a minor yeah menorah menorah yeah menorah um i have i have eight of them yeah i got a lot going on down there you get a present for each one someone said to me yesterday on a dm they were like i also have a costanza wallet um and i was like what is that and i realized i think i made that joke before or maybe you did i don't know who made that it's an overflowing wallet like my vagina is like uh yeah i forget where i'm if you are listening will you tell me where you heard me make that reference because i don't remember where and if it's mine i need to put it in a special because

that's really funny. Because Cassandra on Seinfeld packed his wallet, and it was just gigantic. But do you know the difference between the menorah and majora labia? I mean, I would guess the majora's bigger. Yeah, it's the one that's like the outer lips. Okay. Like the ones that kind of like,

you know when a girl, I believe this, when a girl just has like a, just a line. It's those two sides. Okay. And then the menorah is the lips that kind of will stick out if someone has like a little bit more going on.

Like me, my menorah look like little tabs that you might put as a bookmark. Like if you were a very organized person like a little they look like a little like what letter ferret's tongue like a little puppy tongue they look like puppy tongues and they feel like puppy tongues i love my puss now i used to like hate i used to want to get those cut off and made into a keychain um but now i like love them and i feel like they're so like soft i like i'm always just like, oh, my little puppy tongues. And then there's the clitoral hood, which is like the kind of bubble gummy, like chewed gum looking thing that's on top of your clit.

I mean, that thing, it's a great thing because it lets you know where the clit is. Some girls don't have the hood, so you don't even know what to pick up. No, everyone has a hood, but it might not be as apparent, I think. Oh, okay. But girls definitely have a hood. I like a hood. Yeah. I have a little bar that pops up so you can hold it up like you're changing your oil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that bar that tucks in? You got to find it and you... I guess the hood is like the foreskin for a man without... Can I show you something, actually? I'll be right back. We're about to see your pussy. No, no, no, no.

I'll be right back. I're about to see your pussy. No, no, no. I'll be right back. I wasn't going to show this. Okay, so Nikki is going to her room, which is about six feet away from here. Giving a little play-by-play. She's coming back in. She's coming to sit down. She's about to show a keychain. I did clean this with a

sex toy cleaner that I got from Love Honey. It's just a spray cleaner so it is disinfected and I want everyone to know that. This, what do you think that is? Tell me what that looks like to you. I cleaned it, Andrew. I mean,

it's either a wind chime. Play with it a little bit. What is that little thing on it at the top? It looks like barbecue tongs for a Barbie. Yeah, I mean... And then there's a little ring at the top that slides down it to hold the tongs in place.

Like if you were to... It's like pretty much barbecue tongs. Does this open up your asshole? Is this for sounding? No, but that's a really, really good guess, Noah. So what is it? Just describe it. For me, it just reminds me of tweezers with two rubber ends on the end.

So I feel like there's something to pick. Like you're picking something. So maybe you're picking your hood up to see the clit or something. That's not a bad guess. It is called a clitoral clamp. And I didn't know what it was. I just saw it when I was perusing the love honey website and i have problems sometimes my if i'm like having sex or like hooking up my clit like

burrows inside and like oh like my dick in jail yeah it's like the the the clits covered by like skin like you lift up the hood and then there's a clip but it's like there's skin on top and sometimes my clit like the nerves like suck back into my body if anyone knows about this please let me know like what could be happening because sometimes i just cannot find it it's there and then i can't find it but the other night i was like i found this thing and i online i go this has got to be something that like holds it in place and i put this thing on and i like i made it so it like was between this and like was so it couldn't recess because i could always find it initially and then when i start getting turned on it hides away like a dick clamp yeah and it held it in

place it's almost like surgical and um if you're a girl that experiences that a click clamp is good be very careful though because it i've never felt – I thought I was having like getting my clit pierced in terms of like it was just a little too tight at one point. And like to take it off – and finally to take it off felt like pain that – and I'm a pain slut. I like a little – I like things to hurt. Yeah, pain heads for sure, yeah. I think they're called pain sluts. But this hurts so bad that the next time I'm going to have to like do it and really be careful but um yeah it was just a thing I found there's so many sex toys that you don't even know what they are until you just peruse a site and you're like oh my god like

sounding no you just said sounding and I didn't know what that was until I saw a subcategory in um a BDSM like store and it said sounding and I go what is that and we'll get into that another time because I don't think we have time but if you want to know go look it up it's very interesting and I want to look into it because there's things out there that you don't even know might be your thing that open up a world of possibilities to you have you done sounding noah no i haven't okay yeah um yeah well your your fiance did our uh fanthrax theme song so the sounding would be like muffled and like chaotic anyway like his sounding would be it would be like a metal kind what do you think sounding could be sounding is probably when you're eating a vagina and you're causing um uh sounds with your mouth

that could eventually but noah thought this was a sounding thing oh then then i don't know yeah it's it's a weird it's complicated and i don't even still understand maybe like you hit it like a triangle i think you put you know i'm talking about your urethra i think it's about putting metal into your urethra which what's the urethra andrew it's uh all right well andrew doesn't know what a urethra is but it's inside the pussy do you have a urethra out of it huh yes do you have a urethra i don't you do all right no i was tricking you oh there we go the old switcheroonie soup can uh gotta go guys thank you for listening to the show have Have a great weekend. We might go live

on Nikki Glaser Pod. Who knows? So follow us on there. And definitely don't be kuh. And... Jack Johnson. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's

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