The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #97 The Ginger After Wasabi

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Between you and Nikki she is trying to manage her relationship with her parents better and getting her sister in on the book that will help with that. Andrew is in Chicago and wonders how Nikki is spending her time in the apartment alone while doing vocal warm ups. They are both having a positive relationship with working out, which might be why Nikki shared something very embarrassing. You Heard It Here First, it's ok to get an 80 on the Good People Test, when dogs sniff butts and if you were as entertaining as Tiffany Haddish you too would sing at diners. For Top1Bottom1 they chat about Instagram trends and in the Final Thought, Nikki is proud of a gift she got a good friend and how it made her feel. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the

rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rappaport, and my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rappaport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention.

I am here to call it as i see it and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days listen to the i am rap report podcast on the iheart radio app apple podcast and wherever you get your podcast people my people what's up this is quest Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season, but, you know, I don't want any of you guys to

miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Del delaney rowe and cord jefferson listen to many questions on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers the nikki glaser podcast Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, afternoon. If you say goodnight to someone it means you're leaving. Hmm. Hmm. Really, really interesting thoughts right out of the gate for old Glazedog. Wait, is the song like taking on a, does it go into like a new part? What am I

hearing? Yeah, there's like a whole song. Oh, it just keeps going and going. Just have it the whole episode. Happy Labor Day, everyone. How you feeling out there? Snuck up on me, I'll tell you that. Holidays don't register for me unless it's like Christmas. Like these extended weekend ones because, you know, I've never had a job that takes off weekends anyway.

So it doesn't really compute but I do get to go have lunch with my sister today after the show which is a treat she's pregnant she has two small children she's a teacher and um yeah so I'm looking forward to that it's like yeah we haven't talked in so long. I recently gave her a book that is opening her mind to things that I've been on board with for a while. I told you about this book. It's called Running on Empty. It's for anyone who has good parents, like parents that you're like, well, on paper, they're pretty deece. Like, no complaints. I mean, here and there, there's obnoxious things.

But like, why am I so jacked up? And it just talks about, it's called emotional, um, fuck, neglect. And everyone does it to their kids, no matter how good of a parent you are. So it kind of gives them, it gives any parent, even with my ones that are listening, maybe to this podcast and out and it really helps you like empathize with yourself and with your parents in the situation and realize that you will do it too so I gave it to my sister to be like hey read this because you're for your own kids and for yourself because I feel like parents always feel like I'm fucking up my kid this one thing I did

and it's like yeah you're right you are fucking up your kids because. This one thing I did. And it's like, yeah, you're right. You are fucking up your kids because of that one thing you did that you couldn't help doing that was a product of you being distracted by your phone, not addressing their feelings in the moment. Like those little infractions do lead to stuff down the road, but you can't help it.

You're not a bad person. It happened to you. So it's interesting. So I gave her this book and she's just kind of like she's finally talking a language that I've been wanting to talk with anyone in my family for a while like I would I would been going to therapy forever and she never really has because she just didn't really need to I don't think there was never any like a dire situation for her but now she's reading this book and she's very smart and

so she's just being able to pick up on stuff that she's like oh so this that like she's just the other night she called me to be like this book is wild like it's opening my mind I was like welcome to the club let's do a book club where we talk about mom and dad um in a loving way that's the thing it's like I don, I'm not even scared about if they heard this because this book like helps you feel good about everything that happened and forgive yourself because I don't know. I've talked about it before, but in case you didn't,

I'm sorry if this is repetitive or redundant or if that sentence was, which it definitely was. I'm sorry if I'm saying this again and it's redundant. How ironic. But it's just about how a lot of kids that came from quote unquote good families, when they get fucked up, they blame themselves because they go, nothing, I can't point to anything. But the thing is you can point to things. You just don't know it. And this book teaches you what to point at and go, it's your fault, not mine. That's what therapy is.

Why doesn't anyone want to go to therapy? It honestly lets you off the hook for stuff that you are ashamed about. That's what therapy is for everyone who's like scared of it. It's awesome. It teaches you to blame your parents. And then you feel like a little bit like, oh, okay. And then you learn that it's not even their fault that they did that. And then you blame their parents.

And it just keeps going down until your whole family tree is, just needs to be chopped down. And you go, let's just end this cycle. But that's the thing, you end the cycle. Because you just keep doing the same things insidiously, which I use that word a lot and I'm not sure that it's even appropriate here,

but it's like when you, in ways that are not perceptible or maybe that you don't even know, you just continue doing these things because they feel good. I have a friend who like grew up just never feeling like grew up in a family of like two different families that like parents remarried and like he was the only product of this couple and then that couple went off to have kids and so just he never felt like he belonged anywhere and like always felt like an outsider kind of. And man, if this guy didn't like perfectly construct a relationship to mimic that exact situation where it's like – and it's almost like they went to a – they planned it out and got like blueprints and were like, okay, I want to exactly replicate this. But they didn't even have to.

It's just subconscious. It's very interesting. I love this stuff. I told my parents yesterday I want to go back to school and like learn more I mean I guess I could just read books but I feel like I want some sort of degree or something because you know these like armchair therapists that don't really have the credentials I don't want to be like a life coach. But I do love this stuff. And I feel like, I don't know, most days, not today, I'm a little bit all over the place. But most days, I feel like I can kind of read this stuff and synthesize it and then kind of maybe twist it and put into layman's's terms or a way that makes people able to grasp it more. I don't know.

Some people told me that last week, and I was like, yeah, that's my talent. So I don't know. I'm thinking about going and taking classes or going for some degree. Noah, how long does it take to get a master's in? A master's? I honestly would want to get a master's. Because like i i honestly would want to get like a a mat like because that's when people start like um calling this they talk to you in master mode like that's when people start treating you like oh she knows what she's talking about because you're like well i have a

master's in this you know i mean you have like eight years or something fuck really wait what if i have a bachelor's of nothing yeah you already have your bachelor's maybe another four years i have my bachelor's in like english lit or some bullshit i don't even know to be honest with you so then i do i have four years already uh well masters it's like a it's like a focus you want to have a master's and telling me how masters work yeah we need someone to explain it's like a focus yes so i feel like i just don't want to write a um like a 30 page paper you know what no i'm not going back to school you know the last day i turned into fucking essay was a great day in my life where it was like this is the last time i'm gonna to use Courier font, new, to stretch out these words. Double space.

I was like, I remember. And when they would go, oh, it needs to be two to three pages. Do you remember what the essay was or the class? It was, you know, it was some like, you know, Chaucer or Elizabeth Bennett. Wait, who is that? That's from Pride and Prejudice. It was like Jane Austen. It was some class of like classical literature that or it was just some bullshit class that I didn't want.

I really do forget. But I was so good at just being like the concepts in this book reflect the author's own life struggles and this character, and I would just bullshit my way through it. I did barely graduate, though, because I was taking an extracurricular to fill out some credits. It was guitar, you know, ironically enough, which is my passion now. But I was in a guitar class with a bunch of freshmen. I was a senior because I needed this credit and I just needed a D I just needed to pass. It was like pass fail. And I got a D in guitar cause I was not even going. It wasn't because I was like terrible. It wasn't even trying. And, um, if I would have gotten an F I would have not graduated, but I got that D.

Oh, I got those D's and, uh, and got through it. But I just, I just remember the last time I had to like, I don't even remember what it was, but the last time I turned in some, the last time I babysat, like the last time I had like a job that I didn't want, I remember all those moments and I don't wanna go back to that. But I don't know, it could be a cool challenge.

Maybe I should just read more books. And the thing is, people don't even need credentials I went to a crazy therapist who I truly don't even know if she was accredited or had any kind of training and I went to her for years and gave her so much money cash under the table and you know and not that I want to be that kind of therapist or you know but I was thinking of you know the more I'm on stage doing stand-up I'm just like god why does everything have to be funny like sometimes I just have an interesting thing to say and I don't want it to be like but I'm you know like I yes I like comedy but sometimes I'm like

what is this saying I mean I get people like escape and they laugh and stuff but I'm just getting kind of like I I I know how to do that. I just, sometimes I'm up there and I'm like, wait, I want to tell you about this really cool thing. I know that like might help your relationship. I'm like, I'm, I'm tempted to do like self-help like Brene Brown. And then I was thinking about it and I was like, Brene Brown's like Netflix special, comedy special.

She had comedy in it, by the the way and the bar is so low for self-help people to be funny they say like one thing like and then my husband and my husband and I have never been closer I mean he still doesn't do the dishes and people are like oh my god she fucking made a joke they lose their rolling in the aisles like you're the funniest ever Brene Brown actually is funny but, but why does everything have to be – I just feel like once you're a comedian, you're like, you have to do comedy or you – then get out. Why can't it kind of – I don't know what I'm saying.

I just – there are times when I'm on stage and I'm like, fuck, I don't have a punchline for this, but I really want to say this because it might make someone's life better. And I'm allowed to do, I don't have a punchline for this, but I really want to say this because it might like make someone's life better. And and I'm allowed to do that, by the way. Like I just my I was telling my parents this yesterday and I was like, I think my first foray into self-help is going to be like my book. I think I want to try to, you know, hit that kind of tone in between comedy and self-help or what I've learned. And, and by the way, it doesn't mean in my life has to be perfect. If we all went to therapists whose lives were perfect, well, we all think we do, but let me just be honest with you. I have a lot of

friends whose parents are therapists and their parents are terrible. And some people know better than they act. You know, know we all we all know that you can give better advice than you actually treat yourself so I told my parents I was like I think this book is going to be my first foray into like entering self-help genre and my dad was like it's still gonna be funny right I was just like they picked me up from the airport yesterday I was on the spiel about like I don't know stand-up's not just like doing it for me anymore. I don't want to make like fart jokes every like, I just hate that everything has to have a joke or then people are like, it wasn't funny. And it's like, can't it just be interesting? But I get it. Like people want to go see a comedy show. I'm

going to deliver comedy. Don't worry. It's just like, sometimes comedy doesn't like change people's lives. And I know you're like like I'm not going to see comedy to get my life changed well anyway I said that to my dad he's like so your book's gonna be just like it's not gonna it's not gonna be funny and I'm just like do you think that I would do anything that wasn't funny like do you think that I'm ever going to not be funny like even when I'm talking about wanting to kill myself I'm still funny or. Or like, you know, there's always, of course it is. I don't know why I tell my parents things. Do you guys do this too?

I think like everyone does this. You tell your parents something that you know they're not going to have the response you want. What are you looking for? It's almost like you're like, you know, baiting them to upset you or say the wrong thing so that you can be justified. Like, I think I do that sometimes where I'm like, I'm just, I say things and I don't know what I wanted. I actually, I wanted them to be like, that's really cool, Nick. We're really excited for you. Instead of like, well, so you're just not going to be funny anymore. And it's like, well, I didn't say that. Sometimes I just think my dad and my mom think that I make terrible decisions with my career.

Like, I am going to just one day do self-help porn or something. Like, the worst thing I could do. Like, that I'm just going to – does someone ever ask you a question and you go, do you even know me? Do you think I'm – where you go – we were talking about this um one of the first episodes when someone gives you a gift and you go we can't be friends anymore because you think i would want this or you think i would enjoy this or someone suggests a movie that you would like or a book and you're like i thought this person knew me and that's sometimes when my parents ask me something so nick are you just like so you're just never gonna

brush your hair again i'm just like or uh so you just don't uh you're never gonna if i'm bitching about like makeup and being a woman and how i resent it and i'm you know you know this is back in the day when i was bitching about you know the just the expectations for women and i was frustrated by it they'd be like well so you're just not gonna brush your you're just gonna shave your head and uh you know have everyone call you Nicholas and it's just like no that would be very out of left field I hope that if you thought that about me you would tell you would maybe like confront me before now. You know, that's the thing. I think that's the thing that I get really upset about.

Do you guys have this thing too where you get really upset when people, they confront you about something in a way like that. You're having a conversation and they go, so you're just going to shave your head and give up your life and move to the woods? And you go, if you thought, if you actually thought I was going to do that, why didn't you talk to me sooner? And I think it stems from when I was, you know, had a disease that no one would tell me that I had,

even though I kind of knew I had it, but didn't know it was a disease. I thought I was like doing it myself secretly, but it was, you know, slowly killing me. Everyone was whispering behind my back and no one told me until I was taken away by the fucking state um and that bothers me when you know there's that's I'm super paranoid about that that's what the you know I don't want to reference this ever too much but the reddit

thing bothered me because from last two weeks ago because it seemed like there was this like elephant in the room that everyone else is talking about me and the people closest to me aren't saying anything. And that's but that wasn't the case, you know, and that bothers me is like when people don't have the balls to like be worried about you to your face. I know it's scary. I've been worried about friends and like not said anything because I'm and a lot of times, especially addicts or whatever, they do not respond well. We've all seen intervention. But that's that people talking about me behind my back, not in a negative way. I don't care if people are like, Nikki, like, is annoying, or Nikki is thirsty, or Nikki is loud and mean. Like, I can handle that. Yes, I agree with all those things. But a mental instability where you think I'm gonna like, hurt myself or someone, why would you keep

that inside? That bothers me. And it makes me feel like everyone just thinks I'm crazy and that I might be crazy because that's the big fear. When you start to lose your mind as like an old person, you know, when people are like, we got to take away grandma's car keys. Like grandma doesn't know. Bring grandma into those discussions. She's not going to remember it. She's going to forget about it in two seconds. But like that whispering and worrying about someone behind their back for ages until the state gets involved because you're too much of a pussy to confront someone you love. I can't tolerate that. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I've done this in my past. Probably. This was a long and winding road to

bringing in Andrew, who is in Chicago. He got off the plane yesterday. We flew back from Wisconsin. I did a casino there on Saturday night with Andrew and Maddie Wiener who is a hilarious 22-year-old comedian who is so funny that it's like, I mean, it was kind of seeing Maddie that I was like, I don't want to, I can't do this. Her jokes are, it's so dense of jokes. It's like the way I used to really enjoy writing and sitting down and being like how many jokes can I get out of this and it's not I can do that I just don't really I will do it because that's what people want from me I don't get the same joy from it you know she really is just fantastic and watching her you know I like I asked her to open for me because I saw her um just for laugh set and she's

22 and I was so impressed that I go I gotta bring this bitch on the road because I need to step up my game I like having people in front of me that do extraordinarily well that people can compare me to so that then I get competitive and it makes me work harder if that makes sense but if anything it didn't make me competitive I was like baby bird you go fly I'm gonna go Brene Brown out over here and maybe I'll see you there when you turn 37 and tire of making jokes about things that don't matter actually Maddie actually talks about things that that matter she has a great joke about about um the body positive movement and how she's like you know all these like girls are on instagram they're bigger girls and they're like it's like being fat is amazing and it's it's great and look at it she's like but they're all

hot like they're all hot she's like i want to see body positive movement for like poor fat like that just fat all in the shoulders like walmart fat like these girls look like just like a hot girl ate a mario mushroom there's like they're taught you could like throw a penny at them and they're it just pops right off and it's just so her deconstruction of that um topic is fascinating and kind of what i've i've been kind of circling around and I love when there's like a topic that I'm like yeah why do we like Adele we like because she's we go oh she's bigger and she's beautiful Lizzo these women are like proportionately like bigger women that were just like yes but like there's a different kind of and I can't say this as a a twiggy bitch I'm trying to lanky a bitch I'm not

I'm just saying I hate when people uplift a certain thing and go it's okay we're fine with it and it's like you can only give me two examples of when it's okay and the only the only reason that we really embrace them is not because we're like they're beautiful it's either they're modeled beautiful or they're super talented otherwise if you're if you're fat we got to see a talent out of you otherwise it's going to be a problem and give me an example of when that's not real and and um and but i mean i guess that's true for anyone even hot models we're like can you do anything else no that's not true actually models we just accept for what they are. So, I don't know. I rest my case.

Andrew! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same,

our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests, people like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcastss, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions,

limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery.

A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party. Your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing.

And the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, They're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, Andrew. Hey, what's going on over there in St. Louis down there? Holding down the fort, enjoying just, you know, having the place to myself a little bit. It's always nice. I'm sure you enjoy it too. How's Chicago? You rocking out in the living room?

Yeah. How full of a show do you do knowing that I'm not there? Do you, like, set up, like, stuffed animals for an audience? You know, I just do, like, more, like, vocal things. You know, like, when I'm trying to find my voice I it's it's embarrassing to be like at Eddie Vedder like I always give that example like how does he have the respect of his friends when he talks like this you know he probably talks like this upstairs and then he goes upstairs like he'll be backstage talking to his friends and then he goes out there

and or you know any artist who puts on an a an effect effect it's just you know we have certain comedian friends of ours that talk normally to us at the table at the comedy cellar and then you go walk downstairs two seconds later and they get on stage and it's like this weird voice and they're not doing a character and then they get off stage and you just go are we gonna talk about how you just changed um and it helps it suits them it's like as part of their act but i'm really embarrassed when i try to sound like beautiful or yeah cool and so last night I was recording a song for a friend to send them. And I'm more comfortable like being with a voice and like trying out things than I am around you.

So I got, I just got into that. There's something so funny about like thinking about like the coolest rock stars, like Kurt Cobain doing like Do Re Mi, you know, to get his voice ready. Yeah. Do Re Mi Fa Si Fa La Do.

Or lip trills like. Yeah, like the lead singer. Do Re Mi. Like Kurt Cobain in the corner of like a like i used to have to do all these like mom muster men moon like and he's just like snorting coke or whatever the fuck he did that's so funny i don't think they did do that i can't believe people smoked cigarettes as much as they did in the 70s i mean like the 70s like now even sometimes i see singers you know paparazzi shots and i'm like what the fuck are you doing j-lo doesn't drink coffee she doesn't um drink alcohol mariah carey is the same way nothing that would

like affect her voice and that's a bit that's what makes me so mad about not getting into singing earlier and not being like, that's my passion. Because if I would have, I was so obsessed with becoming what I needed, doing what I needed to do to get as far as I needed to go, that I would have never drank. I would have never smoked. I would, because those things would have hurt my career. Yeah. Whereas in comedy, they help you and they're encouraged so i i truly the second any of those things started affecting my career i quit like i i've that's not before they affected my relationships and my well-being as like a human my career that's when i quit them so but those things had to get so bad in order for them to impede comedy because comedy is based on just like just, you know, the dregs of society.

Like the more you drink, like bringing a beer on stage, smoking, like you're cool. You're like offbeat. You're Honduras Thompson. But yeah, I mean, I guess that stuff is associated with rock and roll as well. But I just feel like if I would have gone to a vocal coach, the one told my mom i didn't have it she might have said the worst thing you can do is drink anything that isn't water and or tea and so i guess it's only done that what kind of artist you were gonna be you know but even i would have found a way to heal my pain though with something else i would have cut my i would have like found something that would have been harmful because

well pop stars even like the funnest pop stars still can have a horrible drug addiction and alcohol addiction. Yeah, I would have just shot things up. I wouldn't have done things that affected my voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? You'd have been shooting heroin in your toes, but you would have been singing like a champ. Yeah. My voice would have been crystal clear.

That's the truth, though, dude. I think people don't realize that. They're like, oh, I'm going to quit. Like when you quit drinking, let's say. Right like it's been almost three wait how many three or four years three years in december three years in december um which is incredible and but don't you feel like did it go somewhere else like it doesn't just go away. The thing that you were using to mute the feelings has to go somewhere else. Or did feelings come up in a way that you needed to get on Zoloft? I mean, were those pretty much over like, yeah, I think the second part.

Yeah. The Zoloft replaced the anxiety that led to drinking or, or, or, uh, made the anxiety less that led to drinking. Or made the anxiety less that led to drinking, if that makes sense. Yeah, so the alcohol was doing what Zoloft now does, but in a much messier way. Much messier way, which would make it worse the next day or the next week or the next year. You don't get a hangover from Zoloft

that makes you feel even more anxious. That's what people don't understand about addictions. It's the thing that's the withdrawal and the guilt and everything that falls after the thing you do that's quote unquote bad is what leads you to do more. So you're trying to stop withdrawal symptoms, which like in terms of pot, which I've recently let go of in my life. The withdrawal symptoms are minor for me with pot, luckily. There's a lot of people I hear on the subreddit leaves struggle way more with it. But there's a little bit of anxiety the first couple days

of I would just have a feeling when I would usually reach for a bowl and smoke it, and instead of that, I would just... That anxiety was the withdrawal symptom of like, I need weed. Like my body. So what are you? What are you? What do you think you're substituting?

Running. Or are you? Running. It's so funny. Like as soon as weed went away and I wasn't exercising at all before at all. Yeah. And now, but that makes me feel good because now exercise for me is a stress relief. It isn't like I need to burn calories.

You know, it's interesting. I remember you telling me I was doing all those classes and working out. And I would be looking at my body in the mirror and stuff in Cayman and so focused on my abs and whatever. Oh, yeah. Going into Cayman, you were really like obsessed working out and you would tell me you go like you know you're gonna overdo it whatever like and when you're in it you don't really realize it but now when i'm playing golf and it is an exercise when i'm hitting 400 balls it's great for your abs it's a great meditative thing like it's such a different way

of exercising and looking at sports and like a healthier way. I haven't looked in the mirror at like my body. And so like, like trying to like, you know, with your golf club, I grew my body hair out. I grew my chest hair out again.

Yeah. I think it becomes so you become obsessed with it. Yeah. You become with yourself obsessed with your self-image and it becomes like your worth whereas now with golf like and those classes don't lead to like i guess you could see progress in those classes i i mean some of them have stats on the board and so you're chasing a number or you're like have goals but for you golf for you golf is the goal it's not the body the body is a the fitness and the way you feel physically is comes from the thing that you enjoy so when people are just doing classes for the body

which by the way you can have goals for your body like some people are models some people like need to have their bodies in a certain way for their job or for like what they want to do with it but you and i don't need to be to look any way like there's no we just need to be healthy and feel good that's really it and that's anyone who loves us and is going to love us forever yeah certainly they want to be sexually attracted to us but you know as long as we don't let ourselves go in a terrible way which would indicate that we were unhappy in other ways people are gonna we're gonna be fine so like yeah for me when when we'd stopped and i was inspired to run i was like oh that's such a good sign that running for me isn't something i have to be scared to do because i used to think it was like a an eating disorder compulsion which

it was for me a while it was like okay i can't eat tonight unless I run four miles today. And now I just run four miles because that's the amount that makes me sweat in a good way. It's long enough that I enter a zone of like not even remembering I'm running. And I just – I like it and I don't feel obsessive about it. Yeah, it's like in high school when I played football and stuff, I wasn't playing football to look jacked or look good like I just was doing it because I loved football like and you forget like the older you get you don't get that passion of a sport to like you know jujitsu I know Noah does that like you're learning a sport which happens to make your body

look pretty good you know what i mean like yes your body is the second layer of this of your passion which i don't know it changes the way you look at at uh of fitness and why you're doing it and some people like classes i don't want to like some people really enjoy those classes, the social aspect, the challenges. Like I don't want to, you know, there's always a place for that stuff. But I never want to work out because I have to again. Like I understand I can always find a way to make it enjoyable, whether it's a walk with my dog that is almost meditative where I listen to a podcast I really like or you know if you if you stop working off someone listening is like addicted to working out if you stop and like recalibrate you don't worry you'll want to work out again in a way that's like I need to just move my body it's not like yes I need to burn calories or my

I need to get my steps in my ass needs to be this big for someone to love me it's like no I saw a girl with amazing ass this morning and i was just like my neck almost snapped off because i was just like wow it was so perfect and you know and it wasn't a way of like i want my face in it it was like man i would love to have that ass for a day and just see what i could do with it you know um but it's never it would i could the thing is what would you do with it i would just walk around i would probably put a camera above it to see how many stairs i get and like or just walk around and see like what if how men look at me differently like what the perception is like

because a girl with a fantastic body and tight clothes is getting treated subconsciously she'll she'll notice little uh things that men and women do i mean even me and my dog luigi was like like it would be fun to just to like fall from like four feet just to land on a nice nice thick ass i'm not kidding you it's painful for me at times to sit on things that don't have cushions because i don't have any cushion back there but you know what i love my ass and i'm i i just don't i don't need to have that ass that girl's probably a fitness model or something and and needs that for her career if comedy suddenly or you know i was talking about getting into self-help work if someone is like we need for you to write a self, Brene Brown's at, you need a Brene Brown house.

I would find a way to get that so that I could get that because I want to do that work or I want to make that kind of money, whatever it is, inspiration. But to have an ass that you think is going to be the answer to your happiness, which by the way, I still don't know what makes me happy. I'm still aiming towards all these things that once I get there,

I go, well, this didn't make me happy. So maybe a good ass and a Pilates body will make you happy, and that's going to be the solution. Why don't we do this? Why don't we make a little ass suit for you, and you walk around St. Louis? I have had one before. Oh, you did?

When I was... It's so embarrassing. Did you do it on Not Safe or something? No, it was my most... I think this is my most embarrassing moment. I repressed it. Oh, no. Oh, God.

I don't mean to be like, when I was anorexic, but it was a moment in my life. I had... You stuffed your ass? No. Yes, but listen. Stop.

Yes. Sorry, sorry. Stop yes sorry sorry what did you use dude okay we have to get to the news i don't think we have time for this story don't you dare don't you try to get to the news no okay well this is really gross i don't want every i want everyone to like be ready for this and this is very vulnerable for me, but this is just true. And I think I've said this before on something because, okay, so when you are really, really thin, well, for me at least, I already don't have an ass. But when you really have no body fat, I had just none, like bones like if you've seen holocaust pictures and i don't mean to take it to this but i'm not kidding you i did look like when i was naked and i would look in the mirror it looked like when you see pictures of yeah like the holocaust like like the final days or when they

were finally freed and they're all naked you know and you can kind of see like oh my god that's what a body that emaciated looks like. That's what I looked like. Now, when we're talking about it from the back, your butt needs fat to touch the cheeks together. I had no, there was no butt. There was just a hole?

There was just, there was just bones and an asshole. It was just, there's no butt. Cause I don't have, so like your butt cheeks are made the crack is made from fat so when you have no like if you look at all the aspects asshole a dog's asshole yeah exactly i had no cheeks so first of all this is so gross i'm so sorry like this one is this is really weird but anorexic girls that don't have an ass like you

can fart anytime because the only thing that makes a fart sound is your ass cheeks flapping together so i always were like you know when you pull your ass cheeks apart to make it silent yeah i taught you that that's what you can do as an anorexic like you are always like that your ass cheeks are always apart so you never have any fart sounds which is great because you're eating a lot of vegetables and so I bought when I was going off to college my my butt was literally concave and people would it would hurt to sit and it just looked insane and so I bought this thing that I saw in a catalog or maybe online this was 2002 so it wasn't like online shopping was what it is now i ordered um like this kind of spanks thing that had butt pads in it like a fake butt just so i

could like have a butt and not have people make fun of me it wasn't so i could like did you ever part with it on just to feel it again because i got it sent to my dorm and the address was wrong like my penis pump this is unbelievable yes it is your penis one story the address i got the address wrong and it sent it it was the same as my billing address it sent it to my parents my mom opened it saw it and then had to repack it and ship it to me. And we never talked about it and arrived at my dorm from my mom in like a care package with Proactiv, which she also bought me as like a- I was on Proactiv.

I didn't even ask to be. My mom just like saw my face. But the reason I had zips is because I was like picking my face because I was so malnourished. I had like these wounds on my face. I mean, it was just a terrible time. So did you wear the abs thing?

My friends are all getting care packages filled with like cookies and like home bait goods and like your favorite local thing that we miss you so much and my mom sent me proactive and butt pads that I bought that I knew she saw and was probably like oh Nikki

and like we weren't even talking about that I was so like it was the secret of the house it was a bandaid on it that's what it was so did you wear this thing? and then I never wore it because I was so embarrassed Like it was the secret of the house. It was a band-aid. It was a band-aid on it. That's what it was. So did you wear this thing? And then I never wore it because I was so embarrassed. So embarrassed that anyone – I just need to get rid of it.

Like I needed no one to ever – I love picturing you wearing it to the beach like with like a bathing suit. It's like, come on. We know that's a fake ass. But now you see them on Instagram because butts are so in now that women do wear it and it's like fine but i uh yeah that was i would do it again now i need that thing back in my life it's in a fucking landfill somewhere isn't it funny that everything we've ever owned is somewhere like unless it's biodegradable it's like still exists like your diapers from when you were a toddler still are somewhere. Oh, man.

That diaper, like that, it blows my mind. I think that's true. Well, they could get refurbished into things, right? Or re... Yeah, but those are cloth ones. But no one uses those. Disposable ones. The diapers you used are not biodegrade.

Or like a plastic toy you got at McDonald's that is somewhere. It's still somewhere. It's somewhere on this earth. I probably wipe my ass with it, too. It's going to outlast you. All right. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first.

You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hope you had a great weekend out there. Had a great time. Had all the swells. We had a swell time in Wisconsin. We never really saw outside the hotel, but we heard there's things out there. Okay.

First story. My dad goes, how was the weather? And I go, I checked the app before I left, and so high of 75. But that's what I found out in St. Louis. I don't know. Yeah, it felt great from the lobby to the sprinter van. That was a fun ride.

A Redditor asked a good question. What's a subtle sign that someone is a good person but doesn't want to show it? Anonymous donation. There's 15 things. We have some down here. Picking up litter. They make space for someone who is being ignored in a conversation.

They are good to animals and customer service staff, especially when they are agitated. They tell you to take your time. When they are given a chance to quietly talk bad about someone, they say something good instead. Whoa. That's the first one I can't say I've done in the last 48 hours. But I've done all the other ones.

I can literally give you examples of all the times I've done the other three. All right, let's keep going. But number four, say that one again. Let's revisit that. When they are given a chance to quietly talk bad about someone, they say something good instead. That one I'm really working on. And I've done it a couple times. And let me tell you, that one is a fucking, that's the Everest of being a good person.

Because boy is gossip fun boy do you just want to please the person in front of you who wants to talk shit a lot of times the person that you're talking to has brought up shitting on someone yeah you you want that person to like you so agreeing with them would be the right thing to do and it's just it's a given and you might have something bad about this person that you want to say and that i can't say i'm very good at that but i'm really working at it because that one when you really stop gossiping and being and saying things about people behind their back that you wouldn't say to their face or if you're recording this always

imagine your conversation is recorded and that it's going to be played for that person and then see how you behave it's very different yeah i know it's like there's nothing more boring though than being at brunch and it's like john's a fucking dickhead and he's like whoa john did one nice thing one time hey no it doesn't have to be that i think it can be well he's had a rough life and that's how someone kind of behaves when they've had a rough time and i've and let me say i've said that over and over and over but that's more me trying to teach people how to be more empathetic to waiters like what you were just saying like my dad last night we went to dinner and he ordered the sushi combo and you're supposed to get a salad and soup with it salad and soup didn't come the entree comes and he literally goes well where's the soup and salad

weren't those supposed to come first like that tone i can't i would love to uh add on to that nick but your dad he's pretty good at riding a bike He's good at wearing old wooden shoes Let me actually amend that And say the exact way that he said it Because that way it may be exaggerated Hold on Andrew, will you deliver my sushi? Yeah, here's your sushi combo, sir

Here's the tuna roll We're supposed to get a soup and salad Wouldn't those come first? That tone. So sorry, sir. We made a mistake here. No, she did the thing that's annoying where she goes, oh, no problem. Like it's almost like, you know, like it wasn't supposed to.

And so that agitated him more. And then when she brought something, so I think something else got delivered before the soup and salad. And he threw up a hand like this. Because the person he told the soup and salad thing to was just the food runner. And so our waitress didn't hear it. So the waitress came by to do something. And he throws up his hand like, and I just go, I go, I think we're supposed to get a soup and salad with these. Is there any way to bring those now?

And then I turn to him and I go, there's a way to say things and it isn't this. And I gave the hand of what he just did. And he goes, you're right. You're right. So it was very nice of him to like acquiesce and let me, you know, school him a little bit. Did they bring the soup and salad at the same time? Then they brought all the soup and salads. I even got one and I didn't order a combo.

So I go, cha-ching, you know. Oh, you told them though that they made a mistake, right? Or did you just eat it? No, I just said. No, I'm just fucking around. I'm just kidding. No, no, no, I did not. I took it and ate it because they would have just thrown it out.

It's just a little miso and a little side salad. That's when those like thug life glasses go on you and you're smoking a cigarette. You know those memes? Yes, I love those. Okay, let's keep going good person things. All right, they bring their shopping cart. They bring their shopping cart to the cart return when they're done with it.

Yes. Five. I'm five for five. One, I'm a little hazy on, okay? They ignore things like when you accidentally fart or spit while talking so you don't feel embarrassed. Yes. I've done that recently.

I mean, not to you or my close friends, but like in someone new or like. That's the best sentence, though, that you just said. No, because when someone farts or spits with your close friends, that would be insane to not call it out and be like, did you just fart? Like not in a way that's like, did you just fart? I woke Brenna up with a fart last night and I really don't know if I farted, but it smelled. So I got to say. I love that there's a new alarm. You know how alarm clocks, sometimes they'll, like, brighten?

Like, there's light ones. You do a smell one that it's just such a brutal fart. And unless your cheeks were not apart or were apart you definitely made a sound maybe the vibrations of the bed you could have a silent fart without without uh yeah i guess it has to come out really slowly yeah real slow slow burn did you know by the way i think maybe i blew some people's minds with the fart like some people don't know that the sound i think there's a little bit of a sound that your asshole makes, but it's mostly the flatulent sound is your cheeks and the air going between your cheeks.

Did you know that when you snap your fingers, the snap sound is made from your middle finger hitting your palm. And that's the only sound that's being made there. And you think it's your fingers clicking together, but it's just the sound of your hand slapping your palm. That just blew my mind. Right? That I heard on Reddit, too,

of like, what's something you just learned that you never knew? And everyone on the thread was like, what the fuck? I'm trying it out. And there's a way to make it, to prove it, where you like,

oh, here, put your thumb on the part where your middle finger hits on your other hand. Listen, does it make a sound? Oh, wow. other hand listen doesn't make a sound oh wow so if you didn't have a palm it's like when you don't have butt cheeks i guess but yeah what if you snap fingers if you don't have a palm like i don't think you could do that what if you snap on your ass cheeks oh i heard a fart. Weird. Number six. They ignore things like when you, oh, no. Okay, they do kind things and don't take credit for it or post it online for likes and praise.

All right, I do that. But like, you know, sometimes when I tip, I do want them to see. But most of the time they never see and I just have to eat it, you know? Yeah, they actually listen to your point when you're having an argument or discussion instead of just getting ready to make theirs. Oof, I mean, that one, I do it, but it takes a lot of, and it takes someone going,

listen to the end of my sentence, Nikki. Can you just shut up for a second? And then I'll do it. So maybe I'm not good at that one. It's hard to slow down an argument. You know what i mean like fuck you fuck you can we just uh slow fuck you yeah it is it's like yeah you just want to do half speed like on youtube yes yeah yeah but you said that you would take the recycling.

But why are you so focused on it? That's how we fight. Honestly, we would really get a lot more done if we slowed everything down. All right, next one. They don't ask intrusive questions that might hurt other people oh that i'm i do that too much that's so passive aggressive but i do set up people to like have to address things that are annoying me about them in passive aggressive ways so all right i'm i'm i'm out of i'm i'm bordering on getting a c plus on this test hey that's pretty solid so all right i'm i'm i'm out of i'm i'm bordering on getting a c plus on this hey that's pretty solid so i think i'm so i think we're at eight and i've had

two halves and one full that i've missed so i've got two and a half points out of eight okay uh well i have to go to the article if we want to do the other six but i think we'll just go to the next one is that cool yeah so i got like an 80 80 yeah you got an 80 i probably right around there i would not say that i was better or worse whoa dude stop that's not true okay i just i just know when we like you with like, you know, doing things that don't serve you. I'm not. I'm not. I am being nice. You I had to get to a point.

This this took a lot of work of going to therapy and like meditating and reading books about how to be a good person and like working a spiritual program to like understand that I need to do things that and it's not because you're a bad person i think that it's just like i would say for example like i don't think that you would clean up a mess that you left in a public situation unless someone's not true that's not true okay but i could be wrong but hey I think I just failed the test. I wish you would have been giving your credit to yourself too during those. I was saying I'm around there and then you had to win at the end. It's not about winning.

I'm just, there's no, I wasn't, you always think it's a competitive and maybe it is, maybe I am competitive but it's not about winning. It's just about being accountable. I know, but yes. Okay, next story. Yeah.

A doctor explains, oh, this actually goes right into what we've been talking about. I'm such a fucking cunt. Seriously, I can't even listen to this shit anymore. I'm just doing some people's voices right now. You heard me? A doctor explains that you should never sleep naked because when you pass gas, you're spraying fecal matter directly on your sheets. What?

I mean, I knew this. I know this because as a woman with a pussy that gets like, you know, has discharge when sometimes you either are horny or you're about to start your period or you're on your period or you're just anywhere close to your period if you're just a woman you're like have things coming out and i don't want them on my sheets and i don't want my like last night in fact i luigi was under my covers because sometimes he burrows and i farted and sometimes you think your dog is gonna want your fart because dogs love shit but they don't like fart smells and and so i had to like

open up the sheets because i didn't want to you know hot box kill him yeah kill him well they also have like their nose i mean they could smell a fart before dogs love poop comes out of your body gross smells you think they would like it but but they don't. Here's my question. If a dog can smell so well, why do they have to get so close to the asshole? That's a really good point. Because I think that it just tells them, like, I don't know. They know even more. Yeah, they want to know more.

Isn't it funny to see a dog smell an asshole and it's like in it's brain he sees your whole past through the smell of your asshole like he saw what you did when you were five dogs don't usually smell my asshole I think that's more of a you thing dogs sometimes go for my crotch or something but I think that's just because it's

concentrated smells there sometimes you know during the month or maybe have cancer. I don't know. But like, I feel like when dogs smell other dogs, assholes, it's so funny when two people are like meeting, you know,

in our elevator and Luigi will like smell a dog's asshole and start like licking it. And you just have to be like, it's hot today. Or like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's construction on the third floor oh okay oh what's his name and they're just both like going down on each other it's so funny that you just like you can't say well luigi eating some ass today oh god you look like your mom and the guy's like yeah our dog's friendly yeah it is it's fucking sucking my dog's dick right now in an elevator dog's genders and when you go oh she's so cute and they go it's a it's a boy or they kind of pass aggressively go yeah he's fun and you're just like oh my god i hate that they're like you could tell by its whiskers it's like shut up no you can't and you named it a gender neutral name like i don't the name is their dog's nameiskers. That could be a boy or a girl.

Awesome. Do you want me to be looking at your dog's genitals to know what it is? That's what I always said. I was like, oh, sorry. I didn't get, do you want me to lift up its leg to go, oh yeah, it's got a tight little pussy. Sorry, I thought it was a boy. Or I just go, oh, your dog is trans. It just told me.

I want to do a joke so bad about dogs with human eyes. I hate dogs with human eyes. Oh, man. My favorite, Hubert, he looks like a grandpa. I hate. And obviously I love all animals. I passed number two on that test. And I believe every animal deserves to live.

But ones with human eyes, a little less so. B minus, you just got. I just want animals that have, like there are certain dogs. And I remember dating a guy who, and he rejected me and he got a dog with human eyes. And I was like, I couldn't even fake liking this guy. And this guy's dog, it would have to be,

it would be a fake relationship because I would always be a little bit like get away from me like there's some dogs i just don't like i'm not gonna be mean to them it's just like people you don't have to like every dog jen on my assistant every time she sees a dog she goes doggy and i'm just like kirsten's the same way they love animals so much that they see a dog, any dog, and they go, oh, puppy. Again, that ain't a puppy. That is a gross old dog that's about to pass away and it has human eyes.

It's so funny to me when people love dogs that much or any animals. I'm an animal lover. I'm a vegan, but I don't go, doggy, when I see this old mangy service dog a gate away. There's some comedians in New York. I'd be walking around the city, and they'd be like, I hate this about this. I hate.

They hate everything, and then they see a dog, and they're like, oh, puppy. And I was like, oh, something happened when you were a kid with your dog, and your dad probably hit your dog, and now you blame society, but you love the dog still like i don't know it's just like yeah it's always interesting when they like change their whole demeanor for this puppy but they couldn't do it for another fellow human i mean you i do it with birds like birds i get like oh you're a little bird like birds i an old mangy pigeon i will have the same reaction as like a beautiful little chicky

like a little you know freshly hatched chick I will have the same kind of like what about an owl though an owl has human eyes though I don't mind birds with human eyes and they don't have human eyes I don't and kiwi my old bird used to sometimes get human eyes

and what that means is like it's just not a black eye like it has like dimension to it it has like an iris and sometimes he would like focus and get like his eye would dilate and it would be my sister and i would be like kiwi is not cool today like we just did not he would be like more intense he was like wanting to get fucked or something like he was in heat and we just did not like his energy but you know what i'm talking about when people are just love any fucking dog and you go, well, I don't trust you now

when you tell me that a dog is cute because you think any dog is cute. And I'm so over people being, like I, whenever I see- Well, people do it with babies. People do it. There are some very ugly, weird babies out there that give me the creeps.

Yeah. And I'm sorry, but- No, people will sometimes think their ugly baby is cute. Oh, yeah. weird babies out there that give me the creeps yeah but then i'm sorry but no people under people will sometimes think their ugly baby is cute oh yeah but that that makes sense if you think your ugly dog is cute that makes sense when you think any dog yeah is cute or any no one really thinks any ugly baby is cute that's a and if you do that's a woman who is just so dying to have a baby that it's almost like, you know, embedded in their DNA that they just will take anything.

You know, that tells you something about yourself. So maybe, I don't know, but sometimes I'm just like, I don't understand. Like, I get jealous because I love animals and I can't get to that level with dogs. Interesting. Interesting. I don't know what it is.

Don't send me a picture of him. It'll creep me out. I don't want to see it. Why? Do you feel like they're like... And people that have dogs with human eyes, listen, I'm sure you had hate something in my life that I like, and so it's okay. And I don't hate your dog. Of course, I love your dog, and I would adopt

a dog with human eyes. I just would never... I would just blind it. Not trust it just would never I would just blind not trust it yeah I would make it weird sunglasses like Spuds McKenzie I'd have it dressed like a pirate every day all right let's take a quick break and get back to why do I care John Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party. Your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism,

fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeartWomen sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeartWomen Sports. Why do I care, Andrew? I don't know anymore. Why do I care, Andrew? I don't know anymore. Why do I care? Tiffany Haddish entertains dinner goers with an impromptu song and dance singing Tina Turner's Proud Mary.

The comedian was at dinner Saturday night with her boyfriend Common, Chelsea Handler, and Joe Coy. There was a jazz band just performing, and so she decided to get on stage and make it about herself. I mean, and do a show-stopping number with the help of the musicians. She needs attention.

I'm on board with this. How is that no different? You hate the guy that does the worm at a wedding. He's not Tiffany Haddish. He's not a famous person who everyone in the room is already freaking out is in the room. I mean, everyone loves tiffany haddish i don't know anyone that's just like not and by the way she's an insanely good performer and so even if she's a bad singer uh like if i got up there and did proud mary no one needs to see that that's not like

my i would love to see that you would be an ashamed mary um you it's seriously i would rather have you send me my butt pads in the mail like that would be excruciating for everyone but tiffany annis even if she has a garbage voice she's someone that has so such like tina turner energy that i feel like that even me being kind of you know jaded about celebrities and especially comedians who i've you know came up with and and kind of knew them before they were stars and i'm not like dazzled tiffany i didn't really know that well so i am just dazzled by her anyway but i think i would have really loved that and especially if chelsea handler and common and joe Coy. Yeah, that guy I opened for in Tampa. Like, I can't ever be like,

and Joe Coy was laughing. I mean, Joe Coy's great, but I'm not going to be like, and Joe Coy listed among those. Good for him. And he's very successful. He probably has more followers than me. But, you know, I just...

That's what I'm talking about. Someone like Joe Coy, who I've known forever, I'm not going to suddenly be like, and Joe Coy was there. Man, I used to call it coying. I hope he doesn't hear this. He probably will.

But Joe Coy is like a famous comedian and really good one. And a performer that, by the way, if he gets up to sing a song, you better fucking listen because he used to close with a Michael Jackson impersonation where he would molest a couple boys. He'd bring them on stage.

No. He would- Oh, I was like, when? I kind of like this act. No. He would do it. He was an insanely talented dancer, singer, but he would do this thing- Oh, sorry.

Go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead. What would he do? I opened him for him in Tampa at the Improv and worked a weekend with him. And he would do this thing when he got off stage. And let me be honest,

it probably would have happened anyway. Let me see if I honestly think that. Yes, I do honestly think that. I'm not lying when I say that. But he did this trick that performers, if you're a performer and you get to a point where people are coming out to see you and they like I could do this now at the level I'm at. But I'm not going to because it is it.

I don't I don't even look at people. I blur my eyes because I know that when I look at someone, it forces them to laugh. And I don't want anyone to laugh that doesn't want to laugh. I don't want to trick anyone into doing anything for me ever um i don't want to say ever maybe i do subconsciously but like intentionally i'll never use one of these devices i read about in dale carnegie to get get you to like me the one where you like ask someone to hand you something that you could grab and if they get it for you yeah because they don't want to think they're a bitch they'll go i guess i like her and then they end up liking you more that's a trick that where they don't want to think they're a bitch. They'll go, I guess I like her. And then they end up liking you more. That's a trick where they don't really like you more.

You just trick them into liking you more. I don't do that shit. But here's a trick to get people to think that they enjoyed your show more than they maybe did. Or maybe just get them to make you feel a way that you want to feel after your show that you just gave it all. Because he would give just these, you know, he would give it all. He would leave it like very exhaustive set set and he would get done with it and he would go thank you guys good night and at that point usually for me because i just have low self-esteem i wave and i like start walking off the stage and i go like thank you tampa like it would go it would

go and you know that was the story of my abortion thank you tampa like it would go it would go and you know that was the story of my abortion thank you tampa you've been amazing good night and then i start waving and walking off the stage and maybe i'll go back to the mic and go seriously thank you so much for whatever you did tonight to get here i appreciate it thank you for spending your money like i give like because i forget to do say that at the beginning and i just like i'm trying to win them over like i hope i guess it's just as manipulative but I do mean that like I'm like thank you for spending your money if and oh I also say if I offended

you I'm really sorry I didn't mean to I like I give all these caveats that's me and then I walk off stage and I wave right and by also I do a dance number at the end but that is just in case everyone hated my act and we're like oh at least we get to watch this silly dance.

It's like ginger after eating wasabi. Can you guess what he does? Yes. Yes. It totally is. You need a cleanser at the end before you get in your car. Sometimes I force feed them wasabi when they think it's a slice of avocado that fell out. That happened to my friend once.

She just popped a huge wad of wasabi because she thought it was a piece of her California roll that fell out and she happened to my friend once. She just popped a huge wad of wasabi because she thought it was a piece of her California roll that fell out and she died and we miss her. Can you guess what he does? Thank you, good night. And then he probably goes He waits.

He goes, thank you, good night. Oh my gosh, guys, thank you so much. Thank you. No, thank you. What do you think happens thank you so much thank you no thank you what do you think happens if you wait long enough he gets a standing ovation yes people start one person will stand because let me just say every time i finish a show one guy stands up no no no yes i know to leave and stuff but at least one person will stand up to be like i liked you the most there's always like some obnoxious and by the way i love that when people stand up to be like, I liked you the most. There's always some obnoxious... By the way, I love that when people stand up. I rarely get

the whole room at once standing up. When a standing ovation happens in any setting, what happens? It's a couple people stand and then you look like an idiot if you don't stand, so you end up standing and then they get the whole room. It's like when you get one applause break

and you go, ah, thanks for the one applause and then everyone applauses. And then everyone applauses. Yeah, yeah. So if you do a, now people aren't gonna do this unless you give a good show. So this is not taking anything.

He deserves this and everyone gets, it's so rare that an applause, that a standing ovation happens if someone doesn't wait. If you just flee the stage, people don't get on their feet. And no one ever just jumps up all at once but he would do that and then he would go oh my gosh no that's too guys

and then everyone's done and don't go if you're watching i'm really sorry but one time after i started just like noticing it was happening and he started like kind of counting them and I remember we did a weekend where we did seven shows and on the Sunday night he goes got seven standing ovations like I can't believe it like he said that to you yeah like he started he wasn't counting like seven sold-out shows which was also true and impressive in and of itself seven shows where I killed the entire time talking about him not me he was that meant something to him and i realized i wanted to be like yeah but you you're tricking them into doing it i mean they want to and they're glad to show their enthusiasm that way but you're waiting for it if you just walked off stage some like you know some of them would stand

but they would just applaud for it's yes it would be the same like they would feel the same about you but actually i don't think they would feel the same much like the trick where you ask someone to give you something that you could reach yourself if someone stands up and applauds even when i do it at a show and i'm like actually i am gonna stand to stand and and do give that to someone you have to convince yourself i actually like this because you're not being told you're not one of the fucking lemmings next to you you actually believe this so your brain will actually get you to believe that you like this better i'm gonna start doing it i don't want people to like me more honestly yeah i'm gonna do it at a jazz club when no one asked me to perform let's do top one bottom

one that's why i care. Sorry, Joe Coy. I love you. Everything on stage is manipulation. And I'm sure he's not the only one that does that. I'm positive of it. Top one, bottom one today. That's where we pick the top and bottom thing out of the list. The category today is Instagram trends, tropes, things we see on Instagram, kinds of posts, anything on Instagram.

Your favorite thing you see on Instagram, whether it's a person, a post, or a type of post, a filter, and your least favorite thing. Andrew, can we start with you? Are you ready? I am ready. I would say my least favorite thing is the photo dump that people do because and i'll tell you why is because instagram has become this thing of like look at me look how great i am look how perfect the filter is and then the the photo dump gives you a scapegoat of putting up real shitty pictures and like 10 of them at a time. And you're like, Oh,

this is just who I really am in a photo. Like just fucking post the shitty photo, not in a photo dump. So you find that photo dumps are people are ways for people to like kind of clear out their pictures and they don't spend as much time making, curating them. Yeah. You want more time spent or do you think they're being manipulative of like,

this is the real me, but I can get away with it because I'm confused? It's the feeling of like, all their other photos are like perfectly curated and like nice and filtered and they look hot. And then these photo dumps are like a picture of a tree and a picture of, you know, maybe me like from a side angle that's blurry or like. And it's just more real photos.

I feel like that if they posted them on their own, they wouldn't get that many likes. But because they put it inside a photo dump with a caveat of like, hey, this is kind of like just my regular everyday kind of shitty photos. It gets just as many likes as the actual curated photo. Got it. Okay. I did not. I would never have thought of photo dumps that way. I tend to like them because they allow for more vulnerable things.

Because I think people are so scared to post things on their main feed because it gets so much attention because it's just one photo. I know I am. That's why I love the Nikki Glazer pod account because I can post things on their main feed because it gets so much attention because it's just one photo. I know I am. That's why I love the Nikki Glazer pod account because I can post things that are more vulnerable because I trust those people more. That when there's a photo dump, people feel safer putting more vulnerable things on that

because they know that everyone's not going to look through the whole thing and that a more vulnerable thing can be hidden. So I enjoy those and I go all the way through on people I'm interested in because generally there's a little thing on there that you would have never gotten to see had there not been the trend of the photo dump interesting way to look at

it both Noah do you have a least favorite trend or thing on Instagram my one of my least favorite things on Instagram is people who put filters on their babies or children. Wait.

What? Is that a really good thing? You know how in the stories you could put a fairy or make your kid into a cartoon? That just creeps me out so much. Sure, that's fun. Oh, see, kids love that. Because can you imagine being a kid and having your face like i was doing it with arlo the other day and i didn't post it but it's so fun that his face could be a thomas

the train engine and he was like talking and being like i'm arlo and it was like cartoon that's different though then like she's saying don't try to make your five-year-old right like where it like brings their eyes up and puts them long lashes and makes their nose pointy. It's just... Or the one where it gives them huge tits. Yes. I totally know what you're saying, Noah. And I would extend that to everyone.

Stop being in denial. Because I think a lot of guys, even Andrew, I remember you saying that, no, the first you know the first the Paris filter yes you even go oh I thought that was just like a put a coloring on it like it didn't no but it like actually makes your skin look more smooth it makes your eyes slightly bigger like it just it it makes you more it takes a human face and makes it more appealing and it makes you look not like you really look. It's not just like a...

The old Instagram filters were purely like, it would just be like a sheen over it, and you could kind of tell. Paris will actually make people think that's what you look like. Yeah. Until one guy goes, I can tell that's a filter, and it ruins everything. Yeah, I always kind of warn

when it's a Paris filter because I just don't want people to... I think it's so harmful for girls, aka myself, to see celebrities and people putting on those Paris filters and using filters and not having a discerning eye for it.

Dude, TikTok, you could look completely different. And to that point, I feel like we don't have any actual photographs of ourselves anymore. So for kids who are growing up today, they won't have actual photos to look back. So just imagine looking at your parents' Instagram feed

and just seeing yourself as a kid with all these filters. That's really the thing that creeps me out. But you know, I don't know that they're going to go away. So it'll probably be exactly what they're seeing even in the future. Like it's not going to be. But everyone will think they're a beautiful child that has like sparkles on their eyebrows. You know the ones that kind of glimmer? Taylor Swift uses it a lot.

Any kind of highlight on the skin, the lightest part of any like if you have a a gloss on your lips the filter will take whatever the lightest point in that photo is and put a little like a little like you know uh flicker on it so it looks like you're so highlighted like you're dewy and it catches the light it's a beautiful filter i mean these things are incredibly impressively advanced but um you kind of reminded me of something noah that i hate and it's i'll use this one even though i have you know we could do this topic every week it's kind of fun actually and we should do more of these and and and feel free to send us in voice memos of specific things on instagram you hate if you're just like biting your tongue or like dying for us to say it right now call into

the voice memo and leave us one okay when celebrities won't post pictures of their kids and instead they put like a emoji on the kid's head yeah yeah and it just to me a child sex image that is being reported on on Dateline. You know when like a child is being, has been abused or something and they need to report on it and they show the suspect and he's holding the child

but then they put something over the child's face. In that case, of course, blur the child's face, protect the child. But when, it reminds me of that you know like it's not it's obviously not that but when kristin bell puts on like a sunglass emoji over her kid's face it makes me first of all more curious about what that child looks like it and it's like we why do we need to see you with a a child at any way and what if i'm into children's feet what if a perv isn't it or i guess you can't what if they're just trying to protect their identity i don't know i'm just it just when guys do it on bumble i used to say that i go it looks

like when you have a picture of your niece or nephew and you blur their face or put on some kind of like scribble over the face japanese porn yes it looks like a picture of your like you know kind of uh not not your uh what did how did i used to phrase it i said it looked like a picture of your suspicious solo trip to thailand like it looks like you were doing weird things with kids it just it's a thing that happens in child sex abuse images. Why would you recreate that on your Instagram and put that in people's minds? I tend to think

one step ahead of everyone. It just gives me an icky feeling. I also think the baby is like a witness in a mob crime. What's it called? Witness protection program. They change his voice to, Goo Goo Gaga john gadi did it you know or something i don't know what the fuck that's so

funny goo goo gaga john gadi did it is so funny andrew you have to do that that's too funny um okay let's um top one? Yeah, top. What's your favorite thing on Instagram? I'm finding very few and few favorite things about it that make me happy. All right. So I like this. It's so easy to come. We have so many endless bottom ones.

Yeah. Because I know. I mean, that was one I just pulled out. I changed mine halfway through because I have so many more. Oh, I have one that I read recently. Search your soul. You know what it is? It could be a specific post.

It is more about my soul stuff because it's not reading with a pessimistic brain and reading more. So my buddy wrote. You put in an extra T in pessimistic, or you said pessimistic. I'm talking about insects. Yeah, you're really into termite Instagram. There's a whole sub-joke. Yeah, read this. So this fucking termite was eating my house, right?

No, no, no. Okay, so I had a buddy you i've showed you him before he's the restaurateur in uh in la he he was my roommate in college oh right oh my god we have stories for you to tell about that guy oh i mean he's the best but he said he wanted to light your clothes on fire because it smelled so bad in your room and you weren't washing them that he was like i'm dude i'm gonna burn all your clothes unless you watch wash them didn't washing them that he was like, dude, I'm going to burn all your clothes unless you wash them. Didn't he say that to you?

Yeah. I want to have him on the podcast, Oh No So Badly, to interview him about his side of living with Andrew Collin. He would do it in a second. I mean, we must. I mean, I'm not talking,

I'm saying this week, we're putting this into action. We need to get him on the podcast this week because it will be just one story. Can it be a call-in kind of thing? We should call it, you know, Wednesday we should do story time with people who've lived with Andrew. to get him on the podcast this week because it will be just one story. Can it be a call-in kind of thing? You know, Wednesday we should do story time with people who've lived with Andrew.

Oh, Jesus. Why is Noah shaking? Noah's going, no, no, no. Because we have a guest. Oh, we have a guest on Wednesday. Oh, that's right, that's right. Oh, I'm so excited for our guest. But listen to this thing.

So he's silly. He's a silly guy who, whatever. But okay, so he goes, I woke up this morning and my heart was literally full. The last 18 months has been trying. It wasn't literally full. I'm already having a problem with people using literally when it. Okay.

But I'm just saying that's a perfect example of the wrong use of literally. Yeah. So my heart was kind of full. Metaphorically full. The last 18 months has been trying for so many people. I feel fortunate every day to be alive, healthy, and surrounded by so many wonderful people. Yesterday, I was reminded of this. Doubling is people in one sentence.

It's a little redundant. Keep going. Yesterday. I'm just being an English teacher for this caption already. I'm annoyed. Yesterday, I was reminded of this yet again as I received tons of beautiful birthday cards, phone calls, texts, and emails from family, friends, and colleagues. I am blessed to have such wonderful, thoughtful people in my life.

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. We deserve it. And yes, if I read this maybe even two days ago, I would be like, oh, God. Stop with the, what's it called? Virtue signaling. Melancholy or saccharine. Almost too positive, self-helpy kind of. Yeah. Everyone live your life to the best.

But it just sounded like he was having a moment of gratitude. Yeah. And it's okay to just not have to twist it or whatever or be. Sincerity. Yeah. Or like make it, but at the end, if you wrote that caption, you would put a joke at the end because we need to cut it with a joke. Yeah, of course. And that sucks because I, sometimes I just want to be sincere.

I know. That's what I'm talking about, dude. So Instagram. That's what I'm talking about at the top. dude so instagram i like sincere posts that that unless i read them and i'm like oh this motherfucker is just trying to get likes and stuff i really felt like some of these are like actually very pure but if they're not i'll still rip you apart yes just letting you know i'm ready okay there's this great new girl on instagram that everyone's sending to each other i mean i've gotten people sending her to me countless times.

And she kind of makes fun of that kind of sincere stuff that actresses do. She just does actresses on Instagram. And her name is, God, people send her to it all the time. Where is it? Where is it? Her name is, oh, I sent her to Anya. Hold on one second.

I'm going to look her up. I just want to play a little bit of what she did and people should follow her her name is hi Caitlin Riley c-a-i-t-l-i-n Riley r-e-i-l-l-y and this is an this she does impressions of actresses like just doing things on Instagram she's a really good actress herself but she has a huge following now. I mean, every day she has like 30,000 new followers. Hi, Caitlin Riley. So this is her actress on Instagram getting quote unquote personal. Okay.

Hey guys. It's been a minute. How are you? How are my lovelies? I hope that everyone's walking into the light or should i say happiness um i'm just sitting here on my white boucle sofa my puppers is in the corner corner nappers she does look good and uh corner i just wanted to share something with you guys, something that I... Sorry, I didn't think I was getting a good emotional. Something that I've been struggling with every day.

I wanted to get real and raw with you. Real and raw. I have a massive butthole. So I just, yeah, that reminded me of that, like, faux sincere. Your friend did like a real sincere, that faux sincere thing of like, and the way she said corner.

This is actually a thing we can talk about in final thought, but ke also I created that in high school with my friends we also created something else called a ger and I'll just get into it now sometimes Noah has one but it's not an affect it's just the way she talks but sometimes people put on this affect

because it makes them sound crisp and crunchy and it's just a way to and we called it a ger because when you say like burger king it's just a way to grow and we called it a grr because when you say like burger king it's just like a grr grr burger burger baby burger burger grr baby burger yeah and she has a grr when she said corner and you can do it with any kind of err word and um so no, will you say Burger King? Burger King. So you have a little bit of brr, brr. How do you say Burger King?

Brr, burger, burger. Like, mine's by, like, a brr, and yours is a brr. Like, it sounds good. That's why people affect it, use it to, like, manipulate. And a lot of actresses will talk like this just to sound, like, crunchy and crispy. And it's called a grr. And a lot of times people just naturally have and crispy and it's called a grr and if and a lot of times people just naturally have this and it's not a manipulative tool but she was using it in that and i loved that she chose to say my peppers in the corner it was like she

dipped into it and it's just such a perfect little she's a really good actress uh uh again it's high hi caitlin riley noah what's your number one thing on instagram my number one thing on instagram very quickly is uh accounts of two different species of animals coexisting and one in particular is raylan underscore the underscore dog it's this like older dog who takes care of foster kittens and most recently um he had like little ducklings that he was carrying over and uh r-a-y-l-a-n okay raylan the dog 81 000 followers and it it takes care of little kittens which by the way you have a new cat right not yet i'm getting him on uh wed Oh, good. That'll be so fun.

That's our guest. I forgot we were doing top one, and I thought Noah was just complaining about two animals coexisting. Oh, my God. It's my least favorite. I was getting so angry over here. Oh, this is set to the music from Always Sunny, but it's this dog who's just kind of tolerating a little kitten playing with it. So this dog just is- Pouncing on him? Is just like friends with little like little like, you know, rescued cats.

Yeah. So he well, I guess he doesn't foster them. His parents do. But it's just such a sweet account to follow. It just always makes my heart feel warm. I love that. No, I will say that that was one of my favorite posts ever was from the Dodo, which is often account that posts like sweet animal videos that break your heart.

And I think I talked about it, but that bee video was like the most that that brought tears to my eyes in a way I didn't understand that like a bumblebee without wings that only lives a month that these people adopted like was so beautiful and like so had such a personality and like liked music. And when it died, I started sobbing. I mean, and it wasn't because I was about to be on my period. It just like it was really heart wrenching, this video. And so go check that out.

It's on the Dodo. And it was a it's a bumblebee. My favorite thing on Instagram currently is the I don't do TikTok because it's too addicting. So I will sometimes indulge in reels which is their version of tiktok and um my instagram knows very much how much i care about taylor swift and so it will just be really great moments from her live performances and uh i don't really watch her interviews that much because i get nervous when she talks because i just want her i have such a her on a pedestal that if she says something when she talks that I don't like,

like sometimes I'll read the caption. She says a lot of amazing things. Like the thing she said about like when a woman is, a man is, a man plans ahead. A woman is calculating. A man, a woman is like,

you know, a bitch. A man knows what he wants. Like she'll say, she has good like sound bites for, oh, you know, a bitch, a man knows what he wants. Like she'll say she has good like sound bites for Oh, she goes, I was tired of being a hanger for clothes. She was like, that's not why that's not why my body exists. I'm not like a, I think a lot of times women just are like, mannequins for fashion. And it's like, that's not me. I just there's certain things that she I mean, she's a poet. She's amazing. But just sometimes I'll see her just like a reel of her,

like I never trust a narcissist cause they love me. And she's like, boom, boom, boom. And it's just like, I don't know. You know how much I care about her and feel about her.

So when I go on real, sometimes I really get inspired by just like these, these moments. And then, you know, they'll throw in like a selena gomez here and there and i'll quickly and then i want to teach the algorithm because i'm like i'm not ready for selena you can inject some miley miley is coming into my life in a way that i'm like

i really because she has a husky voice and i think that like maybe i can like figure out how to sing like her and so maybe like sometimes i really do want to watch miley and i do think she's an amazing performer and like says does really crazy things on instagram and i like miley now because she um you know she went through that phase where she's grinding on robin thick and she's just like the tongue out and like rubbing things on her vagina and smoking weed and just like you know being anti hannah Montana. And then she stopped smoking weed. And now she's found a place where she's still extremely sexual and wild and uninhibited, but she's not trying too hard. And I just like, and she has merch that says,

I hate Miley Cyrus or Miley sucks. And she wears her own merch. And that makes me want to wear my own merch because my merch is fucking sick right now. You guys, the only reason I'm not wearing my merch every day is because it has my face on it it feels ridiculous but my merch is so good if you come to my shows please get a shirt and like know that i designed this as something i would wear and i'm like mad i can't wear my own merch final thought i gave the best gift i have ever given in my life this weekend and it is inspired by um a Conan uh

video that I posted so a guy named Brian Stack is one of the most brilliant comedy writers of all time he worked on Conan for over 20 years he started with him at late night don't know if he started there but he um had been at late night for ever went with him to the tonight show then went with him to tbs and he uh i think moved to colbert i don't know if he's still there but he moved to colbert um you know whatever he's just like one of the most prolific things that you know classic conan bits that you know if you know conan which you should know him if you don't um uh crooner sorry i'm looking this up kind of um he does this bit uh on conan that me and my friend have become recently obsessed with my friend just turned 40 uh yesterday my ex-boyfriend chris convey um and he in the

past couple weeks we've been hanging out and he's been like showing me we've both been getting into this this bit we knew about already on conan andrew knows it well because i made him watch it the other day it's back in the and it's he's done it on conan back in the late night days because a lot of the bits that they did on late night on nbc when conan moved to tbs they had to dump they couldn't recreate those bits they couldn't bring those characters around because they were you know intellectual property of nbc so this only existed in the late night i think conan switched to you know late uh the tbs you know 12 years ago or something so this character has not been on tvs in 12 years but there's all these youtube compilations and it's called

arty kendall the singing ghost so what would would happen was Conan would be in studio and it would be between guests. And he would be like, guys, our next guest next week, you got to check out the shows. We're going to have Kanye West. We're going to have Mindy Kaling. And then all of a sudden you'd hear ba-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba-boo. And he'd be like, what is that? And then all of a sudden this like kind of ghost figure would appear next to him. And it's Brian Stack who created this character called Artie Kendall, the crooning ghost.

Artie would then explain to Conan I was a 1930s singer and I got started here at this NBC studio and Conan would say oh my god this used to be an old radio studio that's so cool he goes yeah I wrote all my own songs actually and I'm sure my old songs would sound really a lot cornier now and wouldn't really hold up kind of thing and then he would go on and Conan goes no I think we'd love to hear these songs. So he'd have this old timey microphone. He's in this 1930s outfit and he would sing these songs. And this is an example of one of the songs he would sing.

He would always start off by singing a song that was a little bit controversial. Like it would be talking about, this guy was just, the themes of the 1930s, the joke is that in the 1930s, they're singing about racist and misogynistic, like, thing. Misogynist, we know that word is interchangeable, things. And this ghost would just sing a song that he wrote about, like, the worst things.

So this one is a song for the ladies. Here you go. Oh, women shouldn't be allowed to think. They should all be mindless zombies dressed in pink. With ribbons in their hair and a catatonic stare. And some strong perfume in case they start to stink. Stinchity-stoo. Oh, wait!

And then Conan would go, that's the worst song ever! And it would just get, it's, so he would sing these songs. And my friend Chris and I, my ex-boyfriend Chris, we were obsessed with this. We've been watching it for weeks and weeks. I meditated the other day. I was trying to think of a good gift to give him

and I'm thinking of cameos. Like what cameo could I buy? And I was like, oh my God, it'd be amazing if I could like reach out to Conan and have him say a message because Chris loves Conan. And then I go, oh my God, I've DM'd with Brian Stack,

the guy that created that character what if and in Chris's brother was putting together a birthday compilation video of all of his friends making a video for Chris and it would go together like you know like everyone does in those things so I at I wrote a bit and I wrote an entire sketch with three songs an entire like talking in between with Artie. I pitched it to Brian Stack. He was on board. I filmed it. I had Carlisle's boyfriend, Chase,

edit it together to make him appear as a ghost and put music behind it. And Chris didn't even know this was possible. I mean, this guy hasn't been on TV for 15 years. This is an old bit from Conan. He's literally a ghost now. Yeah. Brian Stack got on with me.

He did it for free. I offered him money. He was like, no, I'm got on with me. He did it for free. I offered him money. He was like, no, I'm happy to do it. He loved what I wrote. I got to write this sketch that it was for one of my favorite people of all, favorite comedic voices of all time. I get to play the Conan character, like the straight character. It's so funny. And I watched it last night as Chris was watching it.

So his brother called me and gave the phone to Chris. And Chris is like, okay, I'm about to put on your video. You know my whole family's here like this isn't inappropriate and i was like it actually was a challenge to write something that i knew his mom and his nephews would be in the room and see that was also like racist and sexist and all the things that this ghost is and you guys his face when he heard because the ghost always introduces himself in these 20 sketches we know. Conan's always talking, and then the ghost goes, ba-ba-ba-boo, ba-ba-ba-boo. So when I'm watching it, Chris's face, he's holding the camera,

and I'm watching him watch me on the screen, and I'm like, hey, Chris, I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday. I care so much about you. I'm so glad you're in my life. And then all of a sudden, you hear, ba-ba-ba-boo, and Chris just goes. Like, his face was like, you know,

he just won a car on Oprah he could not believe it was like I was reuniting him with his like long lost best friend it was the best surprise I've ever given he followed it up and said he can't stop thinking about it he was like I and I even told Brian Stack when I wrote this I go I think this is better than if I gave him a Tesla like I'm not even joking you this is and and it was just the most gratifying gift to give. So like, I just want to say that this cost me nothing. It did cost me asking someone I really care about for a favor, but you can do,

if you think outside the box and you're famous enough to be able to DM with people who wrote for Conan, you can, no, I mean, like, obviously there's things that I got to do in this circumstance that led it to it. But, you know, I could have, buying him a car and putting a ribbon on it and surprising him wouldn't have been as good as the reaction. And I told my mom this.

I go, this is the best gift I've ever given. She goes, you bought me a car. And I go, it's honestly better than that. Like the surprise on his face was better than me being like, pick out a car, mom. It's true. It was awesome. I wonder how much of the surprise too was like, oh, shit. Like this is my – No, my no no no because I told

him beforehand it's totally PG and let me just say like when I said at the top of the show that I wanted to get away from comedy and get into self-help I'm finding now after writing that Conan sketch which is so comedy it's absurdist you know it's like it's not even trying to say anything it's trying to talk about that i i'm saying that now i know i can write that and i think i want to i want to divide my comedy into sketch and self-help and like do two so i'm not gonna quit comedy but i just really just learned for the first time ever that i'm good at writing sketch because i've never tried because i was always scared because i thought if i tried i would fail and the birthday gift forced me to do

something that i was scared to do I also yeah so that's the final thought I gotta go we're way over time thank you so much for listening we'll see you tomorrow on the podcast and join the subreddit Nikki Glazer besties thank you to Cozy Wall who started that

and Andrew we'll see you tomorrow in studio have fun with Brenna we missed you so much Brenna and she's right there Andrew she's here love you Brenna thank you Noah thank you everyone and thank you besties don't be cut

out there and see you tomorrow yeah good I was trying to do John Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's Yeah, good, Leonard. I was trying to do Babababoo. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

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But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

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