The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #98 Ham Drip

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Between you and Nikki sometimes you can't be ready for taking on a new responsibility. Andrew likens himself to a new animal that might be more accurate than the hedgehog. They get into shape shifting and phases they went through. You Heard it Here First: An accurate use of words, preserving of the skin and yes, Nikki cares about sexy comments from Megan Fox and MGK. In Nikki's Reddit Dump, she shares a mom's attempted fail to embarrass her kid, really bad tattoos and a relationship question that is hard to agree on. In the Final Thought, Nikki reflects on why she likes when people stand up to her. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.

Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be

tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Here I am. Hey, everyone.

Welcome to the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Thank you for joining me and later on, Andrew. And of course, Noah is always here in Arizona. But right now, she's in New York. New York, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Picking in New York. New York. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Uh,

picking up a kitty cat tomorrow. Oh my God. Are you so excited? I'm, I'm excited. I'm also a little nervous. Why? Uh,

let's talk about it. I think just because of the commitment I'm about to make, and I've never had a cat before, so I don't know how he's gonna, I am so excited for you. i've been talking i just um i mentioned her before but david spay's assistant who i was instantly like friends with she was talking about having cats and sorry to like bring that she recently lost a cat that she had for like you know since she really long time and like just the way she was crying about it and the way

that she processed the grief and like went through it and like as sad as it was I was like oh wow it's so cool that someone can feel this way about an animal that for me cats just seem kind of like we don't care that you're there like they just don't seem as I've never been as inclined to get one as much as dogs because dogs just seem so needy and like give you what you want even though Luigi definitely doesn't anymore um I just was like and I've always been sold on pretty much every animal you guys know that I loved that wingless bumblebee and was like sobbing in my bed over it um but I'm just I mean I'm thinking about getting a cat too because they are more low maintenance and um they're just I like things that play hard to get and everyone

I love loves cats so the musical but also the animal and I just feel like that's all the evidence I need and I have the room in my heart and in my apartment and the money to like maybe take one that needs medical care you know like why am I not giving back I definitely want to make sure that it would fit into my life but I think Luigi would enjoy it but I don't know I just seeing my friend Heather talk about her cat passing away even though it was like god i would never want that pain um it kind of sold me on the bond of a cat and she said her other cat which was normally like the one that needs a lot of attention is always kind of like bothering her and like won't let her give more attention to the other one when the other one was dying all of a sudden and it came on really fast even though it was like an old cat it just happened very quickly got cancer and um she said the other cat just like stayed away and

was like this is the other cat's time like they're so intuitive and they're so smart and that's why they don't need us is they're like they they know better and i think you're gonna learn from your cat like what kind of, and then I'll just finish this by saying that it was really beautiful. Like when she came, she left to go put the cat down and she like talked to the cat that was, you know, the cat's friend, sister, I think, I think they were siblings and was like, you know, this is goodbye. And the cat just like didn't freak out like it normally does when she leaves, and then when she came back, it was just very nurturing to her, and like more having its own sense of mourning, and I was just like, so beautiful that first of all, she had a cat to comfort her through her cat's loss,

and just, you know, that's what sold me on the bumblebee thing, and I want to get a bumblebee too, is because these animals that, you know, I had it in my mind that cats were just not like that affectionate and you know I'd only based this off of my grandma's cat who was given to us after my grandma passed and now I feel so sad for Tootsie and how she was probably so scared and like we were just kids and was like Tootsie come out from under the bed and it's like Tootsie's morning you know and like so I just think there's like worlds of love and things you'll learn from this cat and like you can do anything Noah you're you figure out everything you were reading a book about how to like install wires into your walls and stuff like you just go

to the library and like pick up a book about I just bought my nephew Arlo a book about big cats if you want me to send that. It's a very easy read. It has like four words per page. What have you learned about cats in your research? Because I know you've done a ton that is like making you excited slash nervous about this. Okay, so the first thing, when I really like look into what my hesitation is, it's just, I'm just afraid that I'll fail, that I'll have to give the cat up.

And then I just never want to put an animal in a shelter after I've committed to taking it. So that's it. Can I just say one thing to that? You will not put it to a shelter if you need to give it up. That's not something you do. Even if the cat scratched your face and murdered your your fiance you would not bring it to a shelter oh andrew's home the dog's barking i'm gonna take that dog to the shelter later on today because of the bark you can't interrupt my podcast luigi you know i said one strike and you're out i don't give him three so you wouldn't

do that so that fear is illogical because youical because you would find a home for it that you trusted like I did with my dogs when they became like I couldn't give them the care I wanted. I gave them to my parents who I had known were good caretakers and like you'll find a good place for it. You'll find a rescue that places it in a good place. So and you won't be a failure but yes. Okay. So it's not going to end up in a shelter again. So that fear is okay but you might still fail real fear okay what's another fear and i'm not i'm sorry to disprove these i just wanted to jump in and say that just won't happen you won't do that to your cat yeah so

that's it i got a very good tip from one of our besties her name is mama moon she sounds like she was so nice for sure she has reached out to me because i asked for some tips and she gave me a really good one that i didn't know about about having two um uh two litter boxes in the house not just one so that was a good one that i didn't know about i should get an extra one for andrew yeah um that is he compared his um he compared something to a litter box the other day that he never changed and i I was like, yeah, that seems about right. That's a good plan. I think that – is it going to be an outdoor cat?

What are we doing here? No, no way. Okay, good. So many birds die because of that. And I don't want to create any enemies with people that have outdoor cats. But they just kill so many birds a year. And we all know how I feel about birds. But I feel that way about cats.

I'm not mad at the cat either. That's cats just being itself. I never get mad at animals for being dicks, except Luigi just now, because it's just like he knows when I'm podcasting and like he loves podcasts too. So he should appreciate like ones that don't have like ambient noise in the background.

Yeah, I'm excited. You know what? It's so exciting to take on a new responsibility that you're like, can I do this? I mean, I have a friend who is pregnant and the second – I was going to say he because sometimes I change the gender to protect people, but that ain't going to work in this scenario. Well, it could if she she identifies now as a he and like that's up to them. But she is like, oh, my God, like I can I do this like freaking out? And I was like, this must be a I've never been pregnant, but it must be a common fear of women who are trying to conceive. And, like, I mean, this friend of mine is obsessed with kids. All she talks about is, like, I want to be a mother.

Like, oh, look at that mother over there. Like, it just was in her – she was already, like, getting ready to do this. And so I go, this is – you wanted this. It's so weird that sometimes when we get the things that we want or the things we sign up for, the things we then we freak out because, man, I relate to that. But no one knows how to be a mom. No one knows how to be a cat owner. No one knows how to do anything until you do it. You can read all the books. You can talk to all the people. And you should because I hate when parents go, there's no manual on how to be a good parent. And it's like, yes, there is. There's like sections of bookstores, like whole shelves about parenting. Like you could read a book, stop like acting like, you know, I love that people go, if I have to go see a parenting expert or read a book that I'm not meant to be a parent, or if I have to go to therapy, if I have to go to

couples counselor, then we should just break up because if we can't do it on our own, listen to me when I say that again because I just used this logic on someone and it like blew their mind. The person – because I think a lot of people are in relationships where it's like, wow, we could really use a mediator because we just fall into the same patterns of fighting. And not that you know what's right and they don't know what's right. And you're like, oh, they're so stubborn. Maybe you feel that way, but you're probably communicating in a way that's making it hard to get anything accomplished and to negotiate with your partner. And couples counseling, so many people I've heard over the years say, dude, if you have to go to a counselor or a therapist as a couple, you're dead in the water. It's over.

Like, that's a sign, especially if it's early. And it's like, no, okay, we'll use this logic. And I'm talking to women mainly because this is a good one for men. But men too, if you're, you're, you have a girlfriend that's stubborn about going to therapy, really hasn't been to it before or go, okay, well, when you want to get in shape, you have arms and muscles and like you know where weights are why don't you just like lift weights like isn't that common knowledge like because i think a lot of people go if we can't make this work on our own like if it's not just easy then it's not going to happen how many times have people gotten in shape in different ways or a trainer has unlocked something that you could have done on your own but you didn't have you didn't know to bend that way or to keep

your back straight. These little things, and you don't have to go to them the rest of your life. You pick up things along the way. So if you relate therapy to trainers, a lot of people will relate, especially men, because men love fitness and they can totally understand going to a trainer, but they will never understand, not never, but it's harder for them to grasp an emotional trainer pretty much your brain is like your body and you need a doctor for it just like you need a doctor for everything else in your body except me because I haven't gone to the doctor in so long I'm so excited about you getting a cat I kind of want a cat now I'm like talking myself into a cat but I talk myself into a different animal all the time I'm getting ready to have a film crew in my life a lot. And Luigi barks at

everything that comes in. So I'm thinking about him living with my parents for a little bit. And then maybe getting a cat that's more chill about like film, film crews. I don't know. But, you know, I was always reluctant to even share that I let my pets be taken care of by my parents while I couldn't give them the best life because you know I remember Lena Dunham Dunham gave up her rescue dog or gave it to a friend or something and people freaked or gave it back and they're like freaked out like that's the worst thing you can do and of course it's not ideal. Like don't sign up for something you don't think you can do. But you know, sometimes like the first day I got Luigi as a foster dog, he bit me. And it wasn't

it was either because it was obviously I didn't know how to handle a dog that had his level of abuse. But and I remember my parents were visiting from St. Louis when I got Luigi in LA and they were like get rid of this dog this is not gonna work out you need to give him back and I was just like I was sobbing just like why can't I do this like what I know that there's ways so I got books I read books thirds of books truly I did I remember reading Cesar Millan's book that you should, when you walk your dog and when you interact with your dog, act like Cleopatra. Act like you're the queen because the dog wants to follow a leader. And that really changed everything for me. I don't know.

I guess, have you gotten any cat books? I haven't gotten cat books. I've just been reading online and just talking to different people. I think you're right about that. I just have to do it and just go through the experience and I'll figure it out. No, you're one of the most capable people. Listeners to the show don't really understand. I mean, you all love Noah and I love that because she doesn't even like –

there's not that many interactions with her on the show as much as I had hoped for because I can't shut the fuck up but like Noah is you all when the listeners love you and say hi to you too and stuff I'm like oh my god they fucking get it like Noah's the best someone actually wrote me yesterday

can I read this to you Noah? You're gonna love this Oh boy putting me on the spot I know isn't it awkward to get compliments but I met Noah because she was assigned to me at my at Sirius to be the producer for my Sirius show back when I started in 2018 and I had come from TV where you interview a lot of producers and then you choose like it's up to you it's not up to Sirius and so I was kind of like you're just giving me the one person who probably got fired from some other job and needs placement. And then your friend Roland, my friend Roland, vouched for you. And I really trust him.

And then I was like, you know what? Why are you putting up a fight? Let's just embrace this. And you came with not only him, but everyone said you were amazing. And they were really invested in me there. So I didn't think they were just going to give me riffraff. And yeah, upon first meeting, I looked like your Barbie doll. You just, you looked so young that I was like this girl, but you, but you were hungry. And like,

so I gave you a snack and then, no, you were just, you just can figure out anything. You can do anything. You've helped me so much in my own life, in my personal life. You're always there for me. You also take care of yourself and have really good boundaries you're just an amazing person and you you can do anything especially take care of a cat because cats are just like i got this bitch but here's what i got from my friend laura um laura in dallas who's a listener to the show i went to high school with her she was the first person i talked to when um september 11th happened because she was sitting next to me in class um but she's a bestie and i'm trying to get her to move to St. Louis because I want friends. She said, Dear Lord, please pass along to Noah that her ad read was so good. She seriously has

such a great soothing slash sexy slash calming voice. What ad read did you do? I don't even know this. I did one for like a podcast on our network so i don't know if it's that one dude i loved hearing that so much but i try yeah you're extraordinary and i followed your lead though i was because you have like a certain voice quality and it really taught me that whoa these ads are not easy at all even if you have a script. So I just want to send that compliment back to you because you've taught me a lot about on-air stuff that I didn't really know. It's so funny.

Before we bring Andrew in, remember the DSW ads that I think still run. And I would love to do more, if anyone's listening out there, DSWs. If Dave DSW, I think that's his last name is listening i would love to do more when i got the script it was like just read this don't paraphrase and i was like annoyed by that kind of prompt so i was like i'll just make this in and i'll do a joke i even said i gave you a read and i go hey hey, guys, this is Nikki. I'm going to do this like kind of summertime on the radio advertising voice spot where it's like DSW, the brands you love and trust.

And I was really doing it as like almost a joke because it was part of the read to be like, I'm going to do this as a joke so that I could take some kind of like control. You took that part out the setup and it just re it's just the read and people kept and i didn't know that and that is was the right move by the way because people kept writing me 30 seconds it was a hard yeah it was a time thing not a well people kept writing me going are you the dsw voice and i go i think so i remember doing a read for them but i didn't remember it was the one that i did the kind of fake one and they go is that you it sounds exactly like you but like not you and then i heard it when i was listening to the podcast to see if i was as mean to andrew as everyone had said on reddit and i heard it and i was like oh my god that is a really good like that was good i was we had a we had a fanthrax that I didn't get to last week or the week before where one of our besties called it.

And she's like, I love the part where you're like, whoa there, dad. We actually had a voicemail about that. I like, it's funny. That's what you need to do for acting and like voice acting is do a joke of it. And then it ends up sounding like, because everything is so exaggerated, you don't even realize it until you actually start shooting things

and you see that if you exaggerate so much, like people that do like, you know, like cereal commercials of like, the harvest is here and fresh blueberries mixed with crunchy oats. Like, no one talks like that, but it doesn't sound ridiculous in an ad. It sounds perfect. And so you need to, like, do as ridiculous as you can, and then it ends up sounding good.

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Yo. Don't knock over that lava lamp don't knock over the lava lamp we have a lava lamp on set y'all and um can we put it in the middle yeah yeah you can put it in the middle yeah put it in the middle put the lava lamp in the middle of the tape how about the hedgehog being stolen by whitney cummings and now i can't be the hedgehog anymore oh you can be the hedgehog being stolen by Whitney Cummings and now I can't be the hedgehog anymore? Oh, you can be the hedgehog. We have documentation that you were the original HH. I sent him a video yesterday that she said that her spirit animal is a hedgehog or whatever we're saying instead of spirit animal now.

Oh, is there a new word for it, for real? Well, that's like a Native American phrase that white girls have adopted to be like like oh my god like people tell me i'm their spirit animal all the time which is so nice because i know what they're saying like they're like oh i want i want to be you i like i feel like i'm you um but i'm not you're like my inner me that i can't show or yeah yeah but i and i am an animal humans Humans are animals. Yeah. But it's, I think it's supposed to be, like, an actual, like, mammal or maybe not even a mammal. I don't know.

What's your, like, what animal do you feel, besides the jaguar, what animal do you really feel is close to? Is it the hedgehog? I feel like a sloth, but a little bit faster. So, like, a sloth, the fastest sloth, I feel like I attribute a lot of myself to. A sloth but a little bit faster so like a sloth the fastest sloth i feel like i i i attribute a lot of myself sloth on speed yeah sloth after he took some speed add meds yeah yeah he injected it into his neck yeah you're like that sloth that that guy moves off the road and then it turns around slowly and like gives him like a a peace sign sloths only have two... It always looks like they're giving peace signs.

I literally just did that to my Uber driver. Yeah. I had this black guy Uber driver who was the coolest guy ever. I had one the other day too that was my Uber driver or my driver was the coolest. I was a real cool sloth in the back

just talking about... My voice gets down here for some reason. Because you emulate anyone's voice that you're talking to. I did the same thing. Especially a cool person. And he's not cool just because he's black, but he was.

It didn't hurt. The way that Andrew has his arms, the way you had them over the chair, is kind of like the way a sloth hangs in the tree. It absolutely is. You do have a, yeah. And this guy was so cool. He's like, you know, I was in Iraq in 92.

Then I was in Chicago. My 92 then i was in chicago my lady wanted me to come down to st louis more family like and i was like yeah man i get that he's like yeah and then got my boy he's like where you from i was like florida he's like yeah man my boy wants me to come down to miami i ain't gonna bring the lady though because you know we know because i like to like oh no that's not it? No, I'm not. And I was just like, yeah, man, you'd be breaking your neck down. I'm just vibing. Oh, I would love to hear. Next time you have an Uber conversation with someone cooler than you,

I need you to record it for a slice of life segment. You would make fun of me so much while I'm talking. I can feel the stress. Before I started kind of like pointing it out to you that you would shift, which you already knew about. Yeah, like a shift. But before I pointed it out to you and started calling you out on it, man, you would go on stage anywhere a little bit.

We'd go like one mile south in New York. New Jersey. Yeah, we'd go to New Jersey. Isn't this New Jersey south? Yeah, it is. Oh, boy. I feel like I don't know New York directions. Like that island just shoots out and I get very confused by my surroundings.

Well, Connecticut I always thought was South, but it's North of New York. Yeah, I would have guessed North, but I also wouldn't have been sure about that guess. But yeah, whenever we go a little bit South, like Atlanta. I mean, and then that's south. Like, let's not. We're not. That's definitely south. You twang it up on stage.

Oh, I twang it up, boy. But I do the same thing. I mean, I can. But that's even if I talk to one individual. Like, if I talk to someone from Long Island, I'm talking with my hands. I'm like, oh, you went down to the island? Where were you? In Manganza?

Where did you take the fucking Turnpike down there And I'm like who the fuck am I I'll get done with the conversation You're like gonna shake it off Like what am I doing But ever since I was young you were kind of like that You have spit and you have chew in your lip You're like how did that even get there

Oh when I go down south it comes on down here Gets a little slower down there I just get in my Dodge Ram I give people what I really want to down here. It gets a little slower down there. I just get in my Dodge random and I'm driving down there. I give people what it's, it's, I really want to

explore it. Like, I think it's going to be, I don't think I'm going to tackle it for my next special, but like somewhere down the road, people pleasing

and the different types is fascinating to me. If anyone knows a good book about that or like some kind of ref, like material or podcast about how we shift

into other people because we're shapeshifters because we you know at least for me i'm just gonna speak from my own perspective i just didn't want to be me i just and i thought that everyone was i just assumed that everyone else got lucky being born the way they were and i didn't well how many different phases let's go through nikki's phases because i had a lot of phases my phases what when did your phases started when do you think you started this adaptation because i think we can probably pinpoint probably probably around the time i started going to private school with all christian kids so what grade uh like i was like 11 or 12 and and my parents started fighting. And I started being called a dumb Jew in school and then a dumb Jew at home. And I was like, Mom, you're Jewish.

She's like, You're dumb, though. You are dumb. And I was like, Mom, you're drunk. And she's like, Who am I? So, yeah, you started having – I think it's interesting. I was watching this thing old were you about when children become aware of themselves like there's a there's a time when like when you're a toddler you don't know that you're a thing you just are experiencing the outside world and it's almost

like the correct way because you aren't a thing you're just consciousness you're not i mean it's oh that's the best right you're just getting you just push and pulled but you're like you're like everything's a movie but you don't have any authority over it you have no influence over it there was a study there's a fascinating way where they showed like exact the exact around age where like a 15 month old it's the shopping cart experiment they have this little kid with a shopping cart and its mom is like three feet in front of them there's a little shopping cart and the shopping cart behind it like where the kid would push is a rug and the wheels are attached to the rug so in order to push the cart you have to step off the rug okay which which would make a baby if they realize because they're pushing it and they won't push but at like 18

months something clicks and the kid knows to step off the rug and it's not because they realize rugs and things attached to things it's because they realize that they have a influence on things around them and before that the kid cannot understand why the cart won't push the kid and then at like 16 months the kid will start to see something's going on and go around to the front wheels then step back on the carpet and finally this is us trying to put the video in the computer like the podcast you're so right like to upload 37 years or 36 years my mom has to stand on the other side of the camera go come on mickey upload drag the file over there good girl good girl um no it's so it's no it's dying she knows one computer thing yeah no no no it gets it no no it's very capable no i know stuff we've figured it out enough today i did some gymnastics like

mental gymnastics to get the done okay so i'm sorry i'm gonna cut you off but so you're pushing on the rug and then they eventually just think so i think that that's like the most freedom is before you realize you're a thing that and also the most freedom is before you realize you're a thing. And also before – and then you realize you're a person and you're like, oh, I am accountable for things. People can get mad at me. I am responsible for my own behavior, which by the way, you're not. Like no free will, all that stuff. Or like if you believe in God, like God is responsible for you or a higher power, whatever. And then that takes you 37 years to realize it's not everything you do is your fault. That takes a really long time.

But you go through this middle point where you feel like everything you feel, everything you think, everything you do is your fault. And like you're a bad person because of it. And like you, for me, I felt like I, when I realized I wasn't as pretty as other girls or didn't get, the boys didn't like me, which I didn't even want boys to like me. Didn't even care. I just wanted them to like me so that if I wanted to, I could do it. But the fact that they didn't want me was just so, like, I thought I was special.

And, like, I'm not. Like, Megan's special. Katie's special. And, like, I'm not. Like, Megan's special. Katie's special. And they have a thing called boobs. What were you seeing? Oh, okay, yeah. Or blonde hair that is a shape that mine's not. Or I would just find something about them,

and then I would, you know, I talked like this for a while because there's this girl that was really popular that talked like this. So I talked like this. And if you to kirkwood high school in eighth grade you might know who i'm talking about but she talked like this and all the boys liked her and she'd be like sarah silverman went to school well then i i mean i know yeah i know yeah yeah emulating sarah silverman forever you're like i already got the voice. And honestly, I still see her in myself. Like, I see, in Megan,

I, um, she, I wouldn't be her. She had huge boobs, but that wasn't gonna happen for me, so I would, um, she had, like, braces and she would kind of talk like this. And so, like, I would do, like, like I had, like, bubble gum in my mouth. Like, I would kind of be like, and she just was cool. But, like, I picked the weirdest weirdest thing one girl had kind of a lazier eye and she was really

popular but she was popular because she was confident and beautiful and yeah good i remember one time she in second grade that was oh man what a pivotal moment second grade we were all watching uh a movie in some class it was all the the grades together. Maybe it was fourth grade, but we were in a second grade hallway. I don't know why. We were all watching this movie and I remember the movie ended early and they had to kill time.

And so they were like, does anyone want to like show and tell or something? And in my head, I'm like, God, I would love to have something, but I don't have any talent. And I remember this girl confidently raised her hand and then sang solo without

acapella a song and I was so jealous that she had the confidence I just couldn't believe and I just was like I want that confidence but instead I just faked a lazy eye for a little bit I would just kind of shut one eye I mean that's wild

you had a sloth eye. It all comes back together. And I thought that was going to be the thing. It's like when I drink Smart Water and I think it's going to make me more like Jennifer Aniston. It's like, that's not it. Yeah, it's just what... You saw how small I was.

Oh my God, you guys. You don't understand how small Andrew was. Like, we don't... Dude, what... You can't comprehend it. I'll put a photo up on the... You have to no one make sure he sends one to you because his class photo is so insane you guys what grade was that

that was probably six fifth or sixth fourth or fifth grade you guys he is in the front it's all girls and uh in the front row with andrew he's on the side next to his teacher and then it starts girls, and then behind him are all the boys. He is probably a foot shorter than all the girls. It looks like you were one of those kids that, you know, in Almost Famous when she lies to her son about being much younger than he is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he goes, what? I'm what? And Zoe Deschanel is like, Mom, tell him. I found out I was five that day. You looked five. You looked five and everyone else looked 12. I saw my writing. Did people say that to you all the time?

Yeah, dude. I was the smallest, but I was cute. Oh, he's so cute. And then I was, you know, I didn't even know I was really Jewish, though, until I went to an all-Christian school. Like, I knew I was Jewish, but like. You didn't know it was a thing that anyone would have a problem with i honestly think rich christians hate jews because jews start stepping on their turf does that make sense i didn't know there was anything

wrong with being jewish either or not that there is anything but i didn't know that there was a thing obviously i thought the holocaust i knew the holocaust had been something that i didn't know and they were persecuted i didn't know it was anti-Semitism. I had no idea. Well, I started getting an inkling. In fourth grade, I was being called a bagel. And I'm like, how do these kids have this dialect? I would just call you that because you probably had bagel crumbs on you.

But it was just like bread. That might have been it. Not because you're Jewish. Oh, no. You changed my whole life. Oh, no. I would have called you Bagel Bite because you were little. Love Bagel Bites.

No, but yeah, Bagel. So you just go, what is that? And I'm like, what is that? And then I'd go over to my friend Scott's house and I'd look in his, and his parents had like Mein Kampf books. No, they did not. And like every edition, we like scratch and sniff. Oh, my God.

Like all the Mein Kampf. Like baby's first Mein Kampf. And it's like you touch it and you can feel Hitler's mustache. And there's like a little patch of felt. And that's when I knew I had autonomy over my own brain. When I knew you could rub Hitler's mustache and pat your head. Dude, that's really... Every time you talk about the anti-Semitism you endured,

it's so heartbreaking. And you know, whether it's you're Jewish or fat or short or something, like, kids will find a way to... Yeah, I was short and Jewish, so... And then it was like, I had to be... That's stupid. The one thing... And dumb, yeah, dumb too.

I'm just kidding. No, no. Shut up, John. And you had a speech impediment, kind of. You were going to special classes. Okay, look, I didn't even think of all these things. Well, I could keep going if you want. You could stop. Your brother was rich. All right, get me off the bus.

Oh, wait, not yet. Get me off the bus. I feel like I'm back on the bus. Aw. I would have been friends with you. I really would have. My brother beat up this kid one time Did I ever tell you this story?

It's the craziest story ever I got beat up on the bus Not that bad But this kid, Victor Brancaccio And he was like It sounds like a type of throat cancer Yeah, it was bad He's got Brancaccio?

Yeah, it was Terminal 6 Oh my god, dude Yeah, Terminal 6 Yeah, it was bad You mean Stage 6? No Which would be Terminal? No Yeah, it was Terminal 6. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, Terminal 6. Yeah, it was bad. You mean Stage 6, which would be Terminal? No. No, it's an airport.

It's Delta's Terminal. Yeah, you go to C-14, you'll see Victor Brancaccio there. Okay. And he kind of beat me up a little bit, and then he got off the bus, and then my brother threw him down and defended my honor. Because he saw. Ooh. Have you ever talked about it? Yeah.

It was a cool moment where I was like, my brother's got my back. Yeah, man. Yeah. And then he gave me a job and then that backfired and then it went south. Let's get to the news. Don't you want to hear the story real quick? Oh, I thought that was the end. Oh, no, no.

So Victor Percoccio ended up killing a woman. So I got beat up by a murderer. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then they won the lottery, his family, after he went to jail. He killed her. He beat her to death with a boom box. Oh my God.

And then lit her on fire and then spray painted her. And then got caught red-handed because he used red spray paint. Get out of here. I swear to God, this is all true. And you know what? He probably showed up with a boombox at her house, and she was like, that's so romantic. It's like the John Cusack movie.

And then that is, honestly, I'm not making fun. That's the most tragic thing. I'm really so sad for that woman's situation. They were in a park, and he was playing rap music. Oh, you did tell me this. This is horrible. Yeah, he was playing rap music with NWA or something. She's like, don't play that music with curse words.

And he's like, well, now you're going to. And he just beat up this woman who was just. Yeah. So. Anyhow. But yeah, he's still in jail. And you can only imagine what happened to him as a child. I'm guessing.

Yeah. He got beat up by my brother. It's your brother's fault. It all leads back to Dan. Let's get to the news. Boy, that's not the most depressing story. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Oh, man. I hope you're having all the swells out there. It is Tuesday, I believe. Who knows, really. It's Tuesday. The first story is a solid one. Grammar experts say those were these words can make you sound smarter but most people use them the wrong way there's 26 of them supposedly and they say supposedly alternatively versus all ter alternately alternately i think it's alternatively is probably the what did i say but is the right

one alternatively okay alternatively refers to one or more choices or possibilities alternately refers to two or more things happening after each other oh alternate like they all they alternate we're gonna uh we're gonna go um we're gonna answer these questions and alternately and so it's like one then the next then the next okay interesting uh definitive versus definite definite definitive versus definite i mean definitive statement i would say they're the same but what are what's the difference writing definitive instead of definite as in the cfo has set a definitive time for the meeting is a common substitution that doesn't work at all. The writer meant to say that the CFO set an exact definite time.

Oh, okay. So those two things are not different. But what does definitive mean? Definitive means authoritative, decisive, most reliable. Oh, definitive. It's like the way you say something. It's like a, okay. I'm sure a lot of people will fuck that up. So a time can't be definitive But a person can be definitive

Yeah Okay got it Yesterday I was watching The Bachelor This is perfect Bachelor in Paradise I had to binge Each episode is two hours

I had to get through Five episodes I only watched one Because I'm doing a Will you accept this rose Why don't you do it On 2.0 speed Because you can't on

Hulu for some reason Oh And on the TV So I'm just reading recaps But they They use We witnessed this on Do it on 2.0 speed. Because you can't on Hulu for some reason. And on the TV. So I'm just reading recaps. But they use, we witnessed this on FBoy Island when they cut around it. These guys, people so confidently use turns of phrase that just make, this one guy goes, you know what?

Thomas is probably on that date and he's acting all cool and he's putting aside the BS. He's probably, you know, she's going to come back here and she's going to like him. Skin over her eyes. She's not going to know. And I go, skin over her eyes. What is that? And I go, I think he meant he's going to pull the wool over her eyes. But he didn't say pull the skin over her eyes. He said skin over her eyes.

So even if he said wool over her eyes, it would have been kind of incorrect. But we could have gotten there. Yeah. But he said skin over her eyes. Like it was just like, and everyone goes, yeah, man, skin over. Like they were all just like, yeah. And I Googled it to see if it was like a new one. So I did skin over eyes expression.

That's how you Google something. Because at first I go skin over her eyes and it's like nothing. Skin over eyes expression. And it's just how to like squeeze your eyelids, like to express a cyst in your eyelids. Like there's no – that's not a phrase. And this guy – and another guy kept going – But it's confidence. He goes –

Irregardless? No, he goes – what's the word? It was like – it's on my story, but he – it's supposed to say like regardless. He goes, regardless that you did this. Regardless that you did this. It's regardless of the fact that you did this. It's regardless of the. Oh, he took out some words.

You can't just say regardless that. I would have been tricked on that one, I think. Yeah. I mean, a lot of these are just like, you know, it's me being a stickler, and I realized I was being a little bit elitist. These people are so dumb. And I say dumb stuff all the time. I said, take it for granted. Oh, wow.

I did that. And that's one where I was trying to do the right one because I know there's two. And my dad always would make the joke about granite, like the tabletop, and then granted. And I just chose the wrong one. Got you. It's not that i didn't know if i would have thought but these people don't even know i think well they always say and i'm i'm making look at the end of the day yeah that's the one thing okay let's keep going what's our

ingenuous i love that i can't pronounce any of these ingenuous disingenuous no ingenuous versus ingenuous. I don't know. Ingenue? Ingenious, I think. Ingenious. Oh, no, that's not genius. Let me see it. Okay. What did you do here?

Oh, okay. Ingenious. Ingenious versus ingenious. No, ingenuous. Ingenuous versus ingenious. No. Ingenuous versus ingenious. Ingenuous means simplicity or childlike innocence. Ingenuous. I-N-G-E-N-U-O-U-S. And then ingenious, I-N-G-E-N-I-O-U-S,

means clever or resourceful. I've never heard of ingenuous. No, I've never seen that word. But if someone did say that was ingenuous I would be like oh oh yeah no no no ingenuous that's ingenuous I've never I didn't know that let me can I do the other ones yeah of course historical and historic historical means based in history so anything that happened in the past is historical historic means significant famous or important.

So a historic landmark is also historical because it happened in the past, but a historical thing is not necessarily historic. I don't like historic because it's a little braggy. It's like, yeah, look at me. I'm a landmark that was important. It's like you just were from history. Let's not brag here. Sometimes I think about things in history where it's like this was daniel boone's boyhood home or something yeah and i'm like or it

was like this was the this was where gettysburg happened and there's first of all the grasses and the dirt are totally different now so like the air is different because the earth moves and there's wind so really nothing about this place is actually the same. Do you know what I mean? When it's just like a field. I understand like a cabin or like the chair that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated or the bed that he died in. And you can see the stain. Those things are like tangible.

But when it's like a field or like a – Yeah, I was in high school and we did like – we were on the field where one of the battles of the civil war was and we played football on it and we were like the ghost oh we're playing where they die i mean it is cool to see a field and just be like but but if you really think about it nothing about that is the same yeah i mean the grass is definitely nicer the bodies are gone hopefully yeah but the dirt i would say like if we're talking 1800s the dirt is re-energized and like been you know eroded and washed away so the only thing that was probably the same as like the inner core of the earth which at that point you can just say everything you're standing on is historic okay or historical okay

yeah everything's historical not historic the other ones were okay but all right uh jeff bezos is reportedly funding altos labs a biological reprogramming tech company for a new anti-aging venture aiming to cheat death yeah i mean they'll figure it out if anyone will he will i wonder if so bezos is said to have a fairly long-standing interest in longevity research, and he previously invested in an anti-aging company. But you know what? When everyone looks young and hot, guess who's going to be the cool people? The ones that let themselves go?

The ones that are aging. It's always what's different, or what's harder to achieve is the thing that everyone desires to be. I think that's it. And let me just say, if we really think about it, old age is the hardest to achieve because you have to live. So why don't we respect wrinkles and age spots? That should be the mark of you lived, you endured. Well, I think some cultures do, dude. I mean, the Asian culture is known for like really respecting their elders yeah and you like like whatever they say because they experienced

it it goes a long way parents forever not because out of necessity but because like it's your job now to like pay your respects to those yeah i mean in america we just put them in a home get them away from us yeah we don't want to be reminded that we're gonna die so like let's keep it separate yeah and death is i was reading all about it it's just we keep it so far away from us because we're all so scared of it we don't want to be reminded of it but it's something that you know every other part of nature like has to see it they don't they don't really send it away well if you could take a pill right now that will have you slow down your aging. Yes.

Where's it at? I try to buy those pills every day. I'm taking those pills. You know, like I buy these pills that have like new true energy XS. Yeah, how many pills are you taking a day for that? Man, I do two for my hair that some hair person said to take. And I don't think it's working.

My hair's been really thin this week, but I think it's because I'm on my period. I take an iron. I take a B12 because I'm a vegan. I take a couple meds for my mental health. And I take a Nutrafol I was doing for a while. That's like four a day. It's a lot, but like my friend owns the company. It really works.

This just shows how our differences. Can you imagine? I take Zoloft and eat two vitamin gummies. Well, some days, I mean, and also- And I'm in it for the gummies. If I talk about our skin regimen, I might just start crying. Oh my God. Women love not in for the vitamins. If I talk about our skin regimen, I might just start crying. Oh, my God. Women love.

I never did that. I never did that joke where I was like, I have a male roommate. Before bed, I have to go through a 19-step regimen, and he doesn't even take 19 steps to fall into his bed. Yeah. It was something like that. It is true. Men don't do anything to their faces.

And we go, God, you're so hot. I love when a guy has those crow's feet or when he starts to have gray in his beard. If you're attracted to a guy, that starts to look so hot. And I want to say that men, when they really are attracted to a woman, they like that stuff too. They don't care if you start to age. If you like a woman only because she's hot, sorry, buddy. You're going to fall out. But to all guys out there, Brenna is really big into skin care and taking me through a facial. Is that why she looks 12?

Well, no, she is 12. No, she's 25. 25. But she, yeah, I mean, she looks 20. She probably looks 23, 22. But what does that even mean anymore when people say you look this? Because everyone. But my point being, though, is she'll do like five steps.

The wash, the serum, the mask, or serums after the mask. Whatever, four or five steps. And I swear to God, after one treatment, I do feel like my skin looks way, like literally one. I feel like I look like, oh, like every guy's just one five-step thing away from like seeing their skin again. Like it happens that quick, I feel like. But why don't you do it every day then? It takes, and women don't do it every day. I mean, my mom has, my mom has aged really, really well.

And she smoked for years, drank for years, doesn't work out, loves ham dips. And this bitch, she loves a discount ham dip. Bezos, you listening? If you could put ham dips that are two days expired based on when Schnookooks said they shouldn't be sold um but my mom uses ponds cream you know like class like and and barely doesn't wash her face at night so what does that tell you that makeup that maybe girls are doing too many yeah and and ever since i made my regimen really simple which is like i wash my face with whatever facial cleanser sometimes i feel like i need more of like a creamy one because my face is dry. Sometimes I feel like I need more of an

acne one because my face is oily. Just any cleanser. And then I put on that ordinary plant squalling stuff that I talked about that's eight bucks. And then I put on either an SPF, like a Ilia SPF, like CC cream. Yeah. And that's all I wear during the day. And then instead of the CC cream at night, I just put on like a thick night cream, which can be a Neutrogena hyaluronic thing. Like you just, I just do three steps

and it's not even, washing my face takes two seconds. You're supposed to like massage gently. I'm just like, and you're supposed to like blot dry gently with a clean towel. I use like one that I wiped my puss with because I ran out of toilet paper. Like I'm gross. You can't just glide over that. No. Sometimes I run out of toilet paper and I don't want to just have a drip drop in my pants.

So I just use a towel. But I don't reuse that towel. That was an exaggeration. I really don't. I would never do that. But would I have done it in the past when I was depressed and going through a bad time? 100%. You used a ham drip from your pussy.

Your pussy's ham. Anyway, wait. So wait. Go back. Wait. Let's not pause. I just want a moment of silence. No, no.

Keep the flow going. For that callback fail. Keep the flow going. Hey, look. Wait. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'm 88%.

Here's a sound effect for a callback fail callback fail hey come on let yes end uh you're right i i dropped i lost i no no no no but wait wait what were we talking about oh oh if guys had to take off makeup every night before bed it wouldn't we wouldn't there just wouldn't be a makeup anymore. Yeah. You would have terrible skin. And you guys Yeah.

We'd wake up our pillows would be done. Like we just would keep we'd figure out a way for all makeup. Some men are really fastidious about that kind of stuff. But Noah do you ever sleep

with your makeup on? No. Because I have large pores and it's just not worth what will happen to me in the morning. What will happen? What happens when you Well it's just not worth what will happen to me in the morning. What will happen? What happens when you break out?

Well, it's dirt. Makeup is dirt. And it's like chemicals and it's not good already to put on your skin. And through the night, it just rubs into your pores more and just creates bacteria and then zits and dryness. Does your mom wear a lot of makeup? Yeah. I mean, no, no, no. Actually, she doesn't wear it.

That's what I'm saying. She doesn't wear hardly any. Maybe we're doing all these five steps because we're wearing so much makeup. But my mom, yeah, I mean, my mom doesn't wear makeup, and that always boggles my mind because it looks so good. She can look so much better with a little bit of makeup, and she's a beautiful woman, but she can look really stunning her skin might look better like we were going through old pictures of in my phone the other day i was showing andrew like all these pictures i

took from photo albums and one he was like wow your mom's gorgeous another one you'd be like whoa your mom's pretty they were all pictures where she had her makeup done all of them like back in the 80s and i knew that but like and then you'd be like is that your mom and it was like a picture with her without makeup she looked beautiful but people can't guys can't say that makeup doesn't trick you and i know that lots of makeup sometimes is too much but yeah you guys like it and you guys would look better with it god emile's eyelashes last week i was like i was getting my makeup done and i was just like emile can i please please put mascara on those sweet luscious lashes and he goes you've done it before and i was like oh i was gonna say we've been friends too long for me to let those eyelashes just go without

me painting them because some boys you're just like oh yeah boys that look like girls like that's when it works like a rocker you hear that emile a rocker can do eyeliner if i do eyeliner i just look like a truck driver that fell in mud on his eyes it doesn't work it doesn't sometimes you say the funniest like i'm really envious of your ability to pull a thing that a truck driver that fell out in mud is so funny. And I would have to think all afternoon to write something like that. You don't give yourself credit with those things. You're very quick. No, I'm really bad on...

Like those kind of weird outside... It seems quick, but I'm thinking about it before, is what I'm saying. I know what I'm going to say before the end of the sentence most of the time. Sometimes I get lucky, but a lot of times I just can't... You'll hear it on the podcast. I just... I'm not good in that moment because i start i get to the part where i go man if i wore makeup i look like a and then i when i say i'd look like a in that moment i'm thinking nikki you never can come up with a good one here and i start freaking out because i tell myself you can never you're not as

funny as you think you are you're not colin mockery or wayne brady you're don't do improv and then that thinking makes me panic and then i can't and then i just go nikki just pull anything literally any word sometimes there's um sometimes you know i remember john mulaney had a bit about um uh drag queens and how they're like the the worst version of a woman he's like if your version of a woman is like a a bitch he's like it is mean and bullying you know your version of woman is a lot like a man because he'd be like my name's strawberry alarm clock and like for me to come up with strawberry alarm clock like i'm i couldn't do that like i would be like i'm like right now i have any word at at my disposal you You could do blueberry whatever.

Right, exactly. Well, we just learned that. No, no, I tricked you. Oh, dude. That was the trick. I didn't get it. Well, let's go to break so I can come up with a joke, and then we'll get back to why do I care.

I think it's not being afraid. Like me saying ham drip, terrible joke. Not being afraid of hearing a COVID bomb. I'm too scared of bombing. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm working on that. But that was an interesting moment.

No fear. No fear. Let's take a quick break and then we'll get back with Why Do I Care? Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and In Your Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast

listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused.

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And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional

and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country

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across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who supported me throughout my career we'll be getting into everything from karting to nascar even formula one whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut we're talking about what it takes to make it listen to throttle therapy with katherine leg an iheart women's sports production in partnership with deep blue sports and entertainment you can find us on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Okay, why do I care? Why do you care? I don't know anymore.

Why do I care? Megan Fox and Massage Gun Kelly. Oh my God, Massage Gun Kelly. Oh, my God. Massage Gun Kelly. You sent me a meme of his face on one of those Theraguns. By the way, a lot of these things I send you are through Nikki Glaser. Like people sending them to us? Yeah, like the video this morning.

I didn't just come across that. Someone goes, this reminds me of Nikki and Andrew. Oh, well, thank you so much to our fans who alert us to things that we would enjoy like that because we miss a lot of them um massage gun kelly was hilarious i i can i get this story can i take it yeah yeah because i actually had a moment yeah so yesterday on comments by celebs which is an account i follow where they kind of document they're really like a loving celebrity gossip site that doesn't really get catty a lot of times yes they like to speculate and gossip but it's not like de moi which de moi is just all people they're all blind items which is like someone who's not being accountable not being like hi my name is mary stevenson from you

know baxter minnesota and i witnessed channing tatum and zoe Kravitz on a bike ride because I was following them like it's all people that are like I was at dinner the other there was one the other night that was like or the other like two Sundays ago every Sunday on their Instagram story they do like a drop of like all these people DMing Debois and they're all people that just witness celebrities in the wild or or personal friends of celebrities ratting them out, but it's all anonymous. So it's just kind of like, is it true? But you just assume it is because it's so detailed sometimes. One had a picture of Kourtney Kardashian.

A lot of them come with pictures that were like, I was at the nail salon and I saw Kourtney Kardashian and she seemed happy and she was with Penelope. And it said she was texting someone about a party tomorrow night. It was like this girl read her screen. Oh, yeah. Or it was like her listening to a call. And I was like – And wait.

So do they have to write in to Dumas? Yeah. They write in. They submit it via DMs or she has like a submission site or a website where you can – Kind of smart. It's like Wikipedia for like celebrities. Like they don't have to pay anyone. or a website where you can honestly kind of smart it's like wikipedia for like celebrity like they don't have to pay anyone i'm sure a lot of people have tried to start these before but this one

it takes a while to get people like it has over a million followers now and it was a slow build but yeah yeah i love it but it's just so and then on the subreddit for dubois it's all these celebrity people that love celebrities and i'm one of them by the way i just want to say i'm i'm you i'm obsessed with celebrity culture i have strong opinions about people i know nothing about truly nothing about these people don't even have podcasts like i do where they tell you a lot they have reality shows maybe but those reality shows are you can't take those seriously and and really think that that's the real them um and even my podcast you can't you have to have some sort of like you have to realize you

don't know everything about me even though it seems like sometimes i give it all away but i i'm one of you if i'm talking to one of you these people in the demois subreddit sometimes it'll be like what celebrity do you hate more than any celebrity what one that can you not watch in anything and i just read these comments and they're like i just hate ryan reynolds i hate and i'm just like these who are these people that have such hatred i understand hating chris brown for what he did to rihanna based on actual police reports i understand hating um you know woody allen based on what ronan farrow has uncovered and said Dylan Farrow said he had done to her and like I understand that but like hating someone because you just I just think she thinks she's cool I've

never liked Jennifer Lawrence in anything because I just think she always looks like 12 when she's trying to be 28 and it's just like and these people have such disdain and for me it's so transparent that they hate themselves and they're jealous and they would do anything to be these people and then yesterday on comments by celebs I saw an egregious example of this comments by celebs posted

a picture that Machine Gun Kelly I guess had posted is that correct Noah? No Megan Fox posted it. Okay Megan Fox posted it. A lot of things happen on this table um yeah megan fox posted uh yeah a picture of her machine gun kelly or her standing in front of a table in an airbnb she said when i tell you that this table that the table at this airbnb airbnb saw some things and then a sweating like dev like red face sweating emoji and then machine gun kelly commented i'm

really glad that's not our table anymore. Only to assume that they did amazingly sexual, filthy things on the table. I love it. Or they just cooked a meal with a lot of tuna in it. Or something gross. Eggs, salad, ham. Maybe they were making my mom a dip. Yeah, they just put the dip like a cold stone right on the table.

Callback bomb! So all these people in the comments are like, they know they can just text this stuff to each other, right? When your relationship has no depth, so you have to compensate on social media. Imagine being the Airbnb owner and coming across this. That one was good. Some things should just stay private for a reason. Cringe. So edgy.

I just hope no one took a dump on anyone on that table um and then it's like this is too much y'all his daughter is on the gram dear god please deliver us from megan fox and machine gun kelly once and for all so all these people are just like ew too much so i wrote i think i'm the only one who liked this i think it's hot when couples flirt publicly in comments but maybe that's just me and that's true i especially these two they're hot i like to hear about sexual escapades that they're having and yes i said and yes they could have texted this to each other and kept it private but aren't details about celebs private lives what we crave as a celeb obsessed culture in the first place it's funny that when when they offer it to us like this we're like no gross tmi we wanted info, but we would have preferred to get it

without your consent via Deux Moi after you were seated next to someone at a restaurant who eavesdropped on your private convo. And I don't even read the comments that got, so Comments by Celebs, they're fans of mine, and so they pinned it because it's a good fucking point, and they actually support being celebratory of celebrities, not mean.

Yes. And they pinned the comment, so it has like 4,000 and something something likes and i'm so glad it does because there's no arguing that like i don't even want to read the comments there's no arguing that these people that follow comments by celebs love celebrities love celeb goss that's what we buy us weekly for stuff that we're not allowed to know but when they give it to us we go we don we don't want it. We want it in a way that makes, that is intruding into your life.

My only counter to that is how many likes did Megan Fox's post get? They get enough love where it should drown out the hatred. I know, but this is, I'm just saying, these are, this account has culminated in not Megan Fox fans. These are celebrity fans, fans of celeb culture.

And so for so many people on this to hate on them. And by the way, if this was a gay couple, like two gay guys, everyone would be like, that's so saucy. They are so jealous of these two, as am I, so jealous of Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox's passionate relationship that will burn out eventually. Women could get mad at other women who had kids, got divorced, and then are living their best life. They're like, but I'm stuck with my four kids still making pancakes every morning. I want to fuck a Machine Gun Kelly.

If you're someone who comments on celebrities in a negative way,'re just so sad and i used to do it too and i you know i still talk about people behind their backs like with my friends like celebrities and be like oh i hated what she wore look at this post for blah blah like we all made fun of britney spears until it was a mental health issue well there's something to you commenting on commenters that is in the same there it's not in the but i don't even want to read it i know that i got so many so much hate in there because i was calling these women out yes they're all women i mean there's some gay men in there too but it's mostly women and um and i know that they hate it because people don't like when you hold up a mirror and it's inarguable that you're right. And you see that ham drip.

And you see that ham drip. Let's get to Reddit dump. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Here we go. This one was so fun. It's from the Reddit subreddit Made Me Smile. Did you see this?

It was a TikTok. It went around so much. It was this mom that said said tried to embarrass my child total fail so it's a mom who pulls up to uh pick up her kid from like soccer practice this guy looks to be about in sixth grade and he's all of his guy friends are standing like in the shade by the tree after soccer practice or whatever the she pulls up she has her windows down and she's blasting i'm a barbie girl in a bar and the kid comes over and he starts dancing to it kind of like trying to get his friend's attention like yeah yeah he's not even like trying he's just like enjoying it and then what happens

in the background is so funny all of the kids just start like it's almost like they're trance to dance they're not even trying to dance to be weird they're just enjoying the song backfired good that not only were they not i could say They're just enjoying the song. Oh, backfired good. I could say they were conceived of the song, but their parents aren't even old enough to know the song. I mean, I'm a Barbie Girl was a hit in 1998, 97, I want to say, and these kids' parents

are younger than me. But look at this, Andrew. Watch this and enjoy it. So just press replay. And we'll post this on our Instagram story by the time this. So the kid opens the door. Look at all the kids in the background. I do love that.

That kid is probably cool too to begin with, I bet. Yes, yes. Let's be honest. This mother was not trying to further bully her son who's coming home crying, being like, I don't have any friends. You know what that story reminds me of? What? When my brother tried to get me with sour cream, saying it was ice cream, and then I

ate the sour cream and asked for a seconds and showed him i was like this is the best ice cream i've ever had a whole bowl of sour cream anyway oh that's so funny like it backfires and by the way parents trying to embarrass your kids what are you doing oh why would you try to make the childhood experience of being just feeling like just such a loser constantly and out of place dads do it exacerbate to exacerbate that? Dads do it because they love to eat. It's about their attention. They're narcissists. Grow up.

And I was thinking about even the Jimmy Kimmel challenge that was like, tell your kids that you ate all their Halloween candy. Have you ever seen that? Oh, so mean. There's so much trauma from Jimmy Kimmel based on these four-year-olds, even for 30 seconds thinking their parents ate all their candy. The level of, like, these kids just go, what?

Distrust. What? And they cry. And even when the the parents like i'm just kidding it's the damage is done i mean that's on the same level fired yeah and saying santa's not real you know almost the same thing it is and honestly i think that the santa thing fucked me up so bad in terms of trust with my parents that um it just led to never trusting them again about anything because i i i i once i knew he wasn't real from friends at school and confronted my dad i'll never forget being like dad lauren wasn't even in the room because i wanted it to be like just between us and i'd be like i even said i'll keep the gimmick going for her i need to know is santa real and his foot was shaking so violently it looked exactly like my foot because we have the same feet his bunion was just it's gross the richter scale it was a 6.7 and i looked at his

foot and i remember in his dumb tiva and i remember being like and he kind of smiled like and and he paused and he just goes he's real and i was just like whoa you're lying i knew he was lying because i knew santa wasn't real because everyone at school And he just goes, he's real. And I was just like, whoa. You're lying. I knew he was lying because I knew Santa wasn't real because everyone at school had told me their parents. Would your dad dress as Santa and put you on his knee? No. But they would. No.

Babe. Because that's for me and my dad. My dad would never fake that with someone else. That would be cheating on my dad with Santa. I saw Nikki getting bounced on Santa's knee underneath. That song is about a kid witnessing his mom cheating on his dad with a mystical man who delivers presents. Oh, yeah. Okay.

And then ran over by a reindeer, too. Next. Not even a callback, mom. Damn drip. The next subreddit is AskReddit, of my favorites guys i'm not even kidding you if you can't sleep at night go on go on reddit and just go to ask reddit and read people's responses to these interesting questions my favorite subreddit is ask reddit this said tattoo artists of reddit what is the most fucked up thing you've ever tattooed um this one said i knew a guy who

lost some bet with another group of friends and he had to get a tattoo of Scrat from Ice Age on his inner thigh, reaching for his nuts. I mean, that's hilarious. This one, what were you going to say? No, no, no, no. Yeah, I just, I mean, that's on you forever. One kid got a steaming toilet bowl on his ass in college. That was pretty funny. Oh, wow.

A steaming toilet bowl. Why? Because he thought it was funny. It doesn't make any sense. Well, it's next to your asshole. My friend got your name tattooed on his ass in his senior year, which was, you know, I have your name tattooed on my ass. And people go, no, your name.

And it's why I'm late a few times. I bet. Maybe. Yeah. One guy said one one girl was an aspiring porn star and my friend tattooed her butthole to make it a more appealing pink color. Oh. Right? A guy wanted the thumbs up emoji on his taint.

Apparently he wanted everyone down there to know he appreciates a job well done. Wow, he's hairless. He could just say good job. And a woman, you're so like – also you don't see a man's taint when you're blowing him. So it would be better if it was like above his dick. Yeah, who has a hairless taint? Yeah. Weird.

This one was, I saw some weird, this is interesting. This guy saw weird fucked up tattoos because he worked as a EMT, like in a hospital where they cut off people's clothing, you know, last second. Saw a guy with a genie coming out of his butthole up to the small of his back peeking out over his seat of his pants I imagine saw another guy sweet looking grandfatherly type had what looked like a home like a

home done slash prison tattoo on his penis that said suck it um saw a woman with the rolling stones lips tongue thing inside of her armpit must have hurt like hell and then saw a guy with an eight ball on his dickhead He said it was a thing from his days in the Marines. Apparently there's a tattoo place near Camp Lejeune that will give you free tattoos for life if you can get an 8-ball on your dickhead. So you get that. I love the idea

that this guy doesn't have any other tattoos. He's just like, nah, I'm just in it for the 8-ball on my dick. So I can get 8-balls on my dick forever? Had a guy get a tattoo. Yeah, just more eight balls. This one is a tattoo artist. Had a guy getting a tattoo

of his wife fingering her own ass while she sat and watched me tattoo it on him. Interesting experience trying to get the shading on her labia just right while she was peering over my shoulder.

Oh my God. Noah, we have one minute left. Is that what I'm guessing? Okay. Oh, this one was great. This said dating. This is from the subreddit dating advice dating underscore advice males in a relationship why do you guys follow slash like instagram models when you're in a relationship generally curious why some males do this someone said i don't do it when i'm single so i wouldn't in a relationship okay that's not

interesting cool we get it you're such a good guy. This one girl, this is from a girl. Hi, new perspective. I'm not an Instagram model, but I am a minor fitness influencer. So I've got a larger than most following. The number of messages I get from men in relationships is astounding. For me personally, it's good to have followers

and people that engage slash follow my content or buy my workout plans. However, if you've got a man for instance, and he doesn't work out and I'm not his personal trainer, why is he liking following messaging? I think it's reasonable if your man is into fitness but blah blah so then another person said we haven't still gotten an uh any guy i found a good guy whom i wanted to start a relationship with but unfortunately ended up crossing him off the list because of this he literally followed over a thousand model accounts on ig

and a couple accounts would have been cool but that guy's number was way too much for me um someone said i stopped it as soon as i got into a relationship because i felt like looking at other women and getting off to that whilst being in a relationship felt like cheating and my girlfriend thinks like that too so it depends on each person let's go into final thought on this one because i have a lot of thoughts yeah i i just think it's funny that the guy that follows a thousand he's he's like, it was over four years. That's one girl a day. I just really like fitness. But it's like one girl, it's one follow every few days.

You know what I mean? Like him like trying to be like, it's not. And what is porn? That's just curated porn. Like if you get off to women that aren't, I mean, Instagram also has it so they're not explicit images. So what's the difference between a guy curating the kind of women he likes to look at that are not doing explicit things and having that to jerk off to when you're not around? Because it feels more personal than porn. Because you could DM them.

Because you could DM them. They could follow you back there's just instagram feels out of all the social medias too it's like the one that feels more of a human connection i feel i don't know i'm so turned on by the idea if i found out a guy i date was dating was following a bunch of accounts like i would that look like you no i would just be like wait can we look at it together and you like tell me tell me what you're into? And, like, I don't know. It would just, like, horn me up. I don't know what it is. I think anything before, I think after you have made it official could be.

I'm just saying, though, like, I think that's when a woman would draw the line. I just, I think this is another case of, like, do you, like, especially when that guy was, like, she would consider it cheating. Why? Yeah. Because do you really think? What, do you want him to set up a fake account to follow him? No, that's so much weirder. Yeah, that's way worse.

Because then you're hiding stuff. I just think that like, I don't know. I don't want my man to be closed off to thinking women are attractive. I'm sorry though. If you're also like a fitness model and you're like pretty much showing your ham drip. Yeah. That's what I call my way you can't be like uh i want this 10 of like horny men it's like yeah you're profiting from

like let's not like uh your ham drips out if it was a thousand accounts i'd be like this is kind of weird but if a guy just had an account where like it all his whole feed was just women he thought were hot and like stuff that he liked to look at when he was about to jerk off and it in and by the way i feel like if i'm in a relationship that i'm getting the sex i want a guy's not really gonna have much time to jerk off and even if let's say our relationship kind of enters a sexual slump and he starts masturbating again i don't want him to just if he could only think about times we've been together or like only use pictures i've sent him that would be like i would feel like sad for him because i wouldn't want that as a woman yeah you don't want him jerking off like a scared deer either where

it's like like my mom when she like she wouldn't be allowed to smoke cigarettes in front of us so she'd have to like hide the cigarette or smoke You don't want your guy having to hide underneath a carpet to jerk off with fear of being found. That's the thing that I've been reading. The book The Answers from Pat Allen, the woman who wrote the Getting To I Do book about relationships and masculine and feminine energy, has this other book that's kind of consolidated all of her biggest messages. And I sped through it because it has so much good stuff. And the thing that I really got from it that I am probably going to reference a million times

the rest of my life and on this podcast is you have three options when you're faced with a behavior in a relationship that you're not okay with. And I'm not telling people out there to be okay with your guy liking instagram models if that doesn't feel good to you like you're allowed to have that not feel good to you and you're entitled to that feeling because you can't even help that feeling and you don't need to get over it but what you do need to do is accept it reject it and those are your only two options you do have a third and what's the third noah don't tolerate it it's except tolerated there's accepting rejecting and tolerating no tolerating is in between those two so let's say for instance we're dating and you have i find that you're

following a lot of instagram thoughts and i go and i don't it. It doesn't make me feel safe. I would say to you, Andrew, I know that you probably don't follow these accounts with any attention of cheating on me. And it's probably just something you would use to jerk off before we were together. And now we're together and it doesn't make me feel safe because I've been cheated on in the past, blah, blah, blah. These are my feelings. I just don't feel like you should have that and if you say i really like those accounts and um i and you you still want to look at them you either have to decide to accept my stance reject it me accepted or yeah we both we both but let's start with you you either have to accept what i've said which is okay i'll stop following them because I, no, no, no, sorry.

Yes. Accepting would be, I accept that Nikki has feelings about this that don't match mine, but I accept her for the thing that is different. I think she's wrong because she is. It's not a threat to our relationship. I know it isn't. Even though she's wrong, I accept that she's wrong and I will, I will totally honor that and I will stop following those

accounts and i'm not going to sneak around about it because that's tolerating tolerating would be okay i'm going to tolerate this her aggression and and pacify her and then do what i want anyway and also even if you don't do what you want anyway if you have resentments of like i really want to keep following those but she's telling that's tolerating when a lot of times you and i get into arguments and i tolerate your behavior whether that rather than accept you for what you do and don't do or reject it which is okay if you continue well um rejecting you or rejecting me in this this made-up scenario would be i like following those accounts and i'm not going to stop and so I don't think we can work because that's something that you know I don't see myself being able to not do and it's part of who I am

I'm attracted to other women I think it's a micro this is like a small indication of things down the road that will come of jealousy and I don't like that so i think we should call it quits but then i can either accept you and say okay i accept that you like watching these instagram models i have to really accept it and do the work on it i mean this isn't just like snap your fingers okay i'm fine with it it will start out as tolerating but you need to do work of like if i want to be with this person i have to accept them fully and not try to change them or tolerate it. Because I realized I thought tolerating and accepting were the same thing. Yeah. Until I read this.

I thought, but that's the difference. Like so much of our arguments have been you tolerating me and being like, yeah, I see your point. Okay. Yeah. I'll change. Or me going, yeah, you're right. Okay. I am like, you're right.

I'm going to keep being annoyed. I'm going to keep being annoyed by him, but I'm going to keep it quiet. change or me going yeah you're right okay i am like uh you're right i'm gonna keep somewhere in the middle i'm gonna keep being annoyed by him but i'm gonna keep it quiet instead of actually when i'm annoyed by him thinking to my doing the work and going nikki do you accept him or reject him either move out or learn to live with him but you cannot be when it's in between it will lead to the rejection and it'll lead to a rejection that is not a rejection with love. Now, this is about rejecting with love or accepting with love. Wait, are we doing a real-life scenario or are we still doing – No, I mean, we realize it can work in any relationship.

Oh, I'm just feeling like it's getting blended and I just – No, I mean, like my example at the beginning. But I just – if this is like interesting to you at all, I really – the book is $2.99 on Apple Books. It's The Answers and it's like – it's written by another woman but it's all of Dr. Pat Allen's like kind of quips. And I talked to – my friend was visiting some family recently and she was feeling really anxious about a person in her family that makes like kind of bullies her. Kind of like does – a person in her family is like me. I know it all i have the final say i've done the research i'm telling you like it is this is a thing that you do that behavior because i know it and she disagrees a lot of times but she's so scared of this person of talking back to this person and standing up

for herself that she just shuts down and goes like okay well maybe we'll just talk about it later and then resentment builds and this person i realize i go because i'm like this person you're talking about i know that when you just shut down and like get quiet and don't stand up for yourself it makes me fucking furious because the other day my sister literally goes you're a know-it-all she was like why does everything you say you sound like you're it's not even like a suggestion it's like it's the final word. Because I was talking about God and I was like, I know there's a God now. And I've let God into my heart.

And I know that's hard for the family to recognize. But like, I know there's a God. And my sister goes, you're such a know-it-all. Like, maybe there isn't a God. Like, do you? And I go, I'll entertain the idea that I could be wrong. But I know that I'm right. And I actually, thank you for standing up for me.

I go, Lauren, thank you. Because I needed to hear that I was being a know- thank you for standing up for me I go Lauren thank you because I needed to hear that I was being a know-it-all my tone was not appreciated so I told my friend I go I told her this example where I if you would have asked me before the conversation with Lauren I would have been like I don't want her to confront me and say I'm a know-it-all that really hurt to hear in the moment it hurt to hear Nick you're a know-it-all and your tone isn't good and I was just like oh but instead I was like wow my sister stood up for herself the reason I get a bullying attitude and I'm not justifying it but sometimes the reason I go so hard is because I'm trying to get the person to to to stand up to me to like tell me to because I don't want I don't

want people in my life being doormats and so sometimes I treat them like them to a point where they'll bust and like yell at me like you've done sometimes and then all of a sudden i'm like yeah you're right like i just want but what is that behavior of like wanting to keep like putting it because well it's it's definitely character flaw of mine that either people have to accept or reject and i have to work on myself of not it made that moment where she stood up to me, made me change my tone of how I approach things. Like, so as hard as it is, and I've done this with people too, that I'm scared of approaching because your biggest fear when you, we got to go, your biggest fear when you confront

someone about something you're scared about is that they're going to go, well, fuck you. We're done. Yeah. And let me just say that doesn't happen. It doesn't happen when you stand up and say, I don't feel good about how you're talking to me and your tone. And I'm going to just walk away from this conversation until you decide to speak to me in a better tone. The amount, like it's the scariest thing to do. I swear, because usually you just go,

yeah, you're right. Oh, okay. Yeah. I see your point. And you cower. Those people need to be stood up to and not stood up to, but they need to see you respect yourself enough to get away from them. And then they learn that they're toxic. I learn I'm toxic. So, yeah, just fucking stand up for yourself, Andrew. I'm just kidding. Yeah, shut up.

We got to go. We really have to go. I'm so sorry. So, like, life is like except, yeah. Hamdrip. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. As always, we love you so much. Nikki Glazer Pod.

Follow us on Instagram. Rate and review on whatever podcast app you use. And Noah, thank you. And we'll see you tomorrow. Don't be cut. And jack. Jack. Jack.

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