The NoSleep Podcast - S18: NoSleep Podcast New Year 2023 Vol. 1

Episode Date: January 1, 2023

We're ringing in the new year with a holiday hiatus episode! Enjoy two stories from our Season Pass 18 episodes."The Shatter Box" written by Paul O'Neill (Story starts around 00:02:00)TRIGGER WARNING!Produced by: Jeff ClementCast: Dan - Andy Cresswell, Diana - Penny Scott-Andrews, Pauline - Erika Sanderson, Tam - David Ault, Craig - James Cleveland"Trivia Night" written by Lindsay Moore (Story starts around 00:34:00)TRIGGER WARNING!Produced by: Phil MichalskiCast: Janine - Jessica McEvoy, Dean - Matthew Bradford, Cindy - Kristen DiMercurio, Rashida - Wafiyyah White, Martin - David Cummings, Suzanne - Nikolle DoolinClick here to learn more about The NoSleep Podcast team Executive Producer & Host: David CummingsMusical score composed by: Brandon Boone"New Year 2023 Vol. 1" illustration courtesy of Alexandra CruzAudio program ©2022 - Creative Reason Media Inc. - All Rights Reserved - No reproduction or use of this content is permitted without the express written consent of Creative Reason Media Inc. The copyrights for each story are held by the respective authors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At its core cannot exist without fear. We long to be frightened. We desire a glimpse into the darkness. We conjure creatures and monsters, all the while knowing deep in our souls. The terror is out there. Brace yourself for the No Sleep podcast. Happy New Year.

And welcome to the No Sleep Podcast, 2023 New Year's hiatus episode. I'm your host, David Cummings. We're taking a few weeks off to celebrate the new year while we work hard on getting season 19 ready for you. But even with old Lang Zines still ringing in our ears, this week and next will feature some stories originally heard on past season past episodes.

And season past 18 members, next week we'll be releasing our old-time radio bonus episode. And the week after that, we'll release our suddenly shocking bonus episode just for you. So the No Sleep podcast team wishes you and yours a very happy new year. Let's hope it's a good one for one and all. Now let's ring in the new year with some fun and games that delve into the darkness. In our first tale, we enjoy an activity quite popular around the holidays, playing board games with the family. Ah, sweet and innocent, right? Well, in this tale from author Paul O'Neill, we meet a man trying to conjure some happy memories with an old board game, but perhaps there's a reason the game

should have been forgotten. Performing this tale are Andy Cresswell, Penny Scott Andrews, Erica Sanderson, David Alt, and James Cleveland. So gather around and let's play a game. Imagine how much fun you'll have playing the Shatterbox. A knot of emotion almost screamed its way out of my lungs as I shifted my legs under me. My thigh muscles quivering. The hardened blood on my hands cracked in the creases of my palm as I rolled my fingers. An invisible force held us down, not allowing us to move from our spots as the ancient board game demanded we hurt someone. Four of us knelt around the coffee table.

as a misty darkness drew nearer with every role of the dye, blotting out the world. It was just us and the game. I looked at the empty space where Craig once said. His playing piece lay toppled over on the table. He'd ran into the darkness, screaming that he couldn't take it anymore. I could still hear the wet noise of some alien thing ripping him to pieces. In the silence that had followed, I leaned back and stuck my hand into the dark, jerking it back as a hundred moist hands swarmed over my forearm, trying to pull me in.

Diana and I had a cracker of an argument yesterday. I'd stormed out for a stroll to clear my head. I found myself in the middle of a garage sale when this game, this shatterbox, caught my eye with its glaring neon lull. Lettuce. I asked the old man how much it was. He threw it at me and weasled into his car like it was the only thing he came to sell. Later, I realized I hadn't given him any money for it. The objective of the game seemed simple enough. The first one to move their piece around the snaking path and into the see-through cube that was arched on the center wins. The board was a long rectangular box that

covered most of the coffee table we were huddled around. Brown felt fuzzed at its edges. When I traced my finger along it, I swore I felt it breathing, like I stroked the pelt of a slumbering bear. The squares our pieces moved along were once white, but now shone with a splattered maroon that reminded me of dried blood on bathroom tiles. The path wove around the outside of the board, spiraling in on itself until it ended at the cube that sat on its center like a gemstone. Its old wood smell that reminded me of teak benches in church hit me as I gazed at the electric words that swam inside the cube. Roll the die. I told you not to open.

Diana, my wife, sobbed, glaring over the knee-high table at me with horn. wanted eyes. But you... She tucked a strand of black hair behind an ear. A gesture I'd smiled at a million times before. Her fingers touched the ruined blob of waxwork that used to be her ear. She flinched and sucked in a shaky breath, knuckling her eye and willing the pain away. It was supposed to be a bit of fun.

Like when we used to play that atmosphere game with those creepy videos. How was I supposed to know it'd end up like this? Craig's gone. Like an alien conspiracy. Pauline clutched her side with both hands, like her innards would worm out of her. Spaceship sucked us up, and now they're toying with us. Testing us. Only explanation.

Shut your hole, you stupid woman. Tam, to my left, thumbed the screen on his phone. Dan's just having a laugh with us. Couldn't take the fact that the rest of us are off having kids, so you thought you'd plot a wee bit of revenge. Boyle us up a bit because you're jealous. He slammed the phone on the table. Whatever this black thing hovering about us is, it's royally messed my phone.

The game clicked. A low hum shook the chest-like pieces. A noise that set my nerves slithering around the back of my neck. I picked up the dye with its eight uneven sides, wrapping my trembling fingers around it. We just keep playing the game. We don't try to get help or... You heard what it did to Craig.

We fell into a stony silence. The only sounds were the wincing from pain and a buzz like a swarm of wasps that rose in pitch vibrating inside my skull. I don't want to find out what happens when we run out of time. I shook the die. its chipped edges scratching my palm.

Its marble surface stayed cold, no matter how long I held onto it. A shard of ice anchored at the base of my throat upon glimcing the venom in Diana's perfect blue eyes. I steamed out a sour breath, then sent the heavy dye clinking along the wooden board. The green words faded from the cube, as the dye spun and clattered about.

We all held on. breath. A crimson four landed face up. Diana, Tam and Pauline turned to face me, mouths hanging open. The playing pieces were intricately carved. They reminded me of knights on an ornate chess set, though their faces were hidden behind scowling masks. Each had a different color that flowered out the carved slits of its eyes and the square holes that ran along its mouth. The masks made me think of Hannibal Lecter, though there was something sleek and alien about their edges. My piece pulsed of violent red. I gripped it between my fingers. A small river of electricity shot up my forearm as I moved it around the path. The piece was wooden, but there was a crisp texture

covering it that felt like dead snake skin. Touching it froze the lining of my stomach. My hand tremble. My hand, as I settled back on the carpet, sucking in a lungful of humid, sweat-stained air. Diana glared at the middle of the board game. Her face scrunched up as red letters swam in the glassy cube. A command would often appear after we finished our turn. What's it say? Tam leaned over the board. A sharp laugh blasting out of his rubbery mouth as he read the flowing words.

Right. Just you try it, you lanky bastard. See what happens. A slab of meat cleaver phased a life on the table. I grabbed its warm, moist handle. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on my palm, the cold of the thick blade chilling my cheek. You've seen what happens. When you put it off, it only makes the punishment worse. I.

Pauline twirled her long, orb and hair between her fingers. It's alien mind control. Like when it told me to burn Diana's earlobe, I tried to hold off, but you saw what happened. It ticked down like some mad oven timer. When it buzzed, it was like the aliens just took my hand and made me do it. I'm sorry, Diana, I... My ass.

Just because you chose to burn half her ear off doesn't mean it's aliens. All it means is you're in on whatever fuckery this is. and you're not chopping off my fucking thumbs. Diana glared down at her piece that glowed a sickly purple. I had tried to get to my feet, but my knees stayed glued to the carpet as Pauline stomped over to my wife, a small black lighter in her hand. A jet of fire like a flamethrower engulfed my wife's ear and most of her cheek. I could still taste the sizzled meat of her baked skin.

The gain paid double when you defied it. Take his thumbs, glared at me in murderous red letters, urging me on. It's cold light shone against the wet sores that seeped up the side of my wife's face. She flicked her gaze at me, her watery eyes trembling as she fought back the tears. She gave me a slow nod. Look, I can chop them off quick as you like, then we'll blast through the rest of the the game. Once it's finished... I'd rather keep my thumbs, thank you very much. I'll wait.

You can't hold me responsible for what happens. If you come at me with that cleaver, I'll chop your knob off. Got me? Diana let out a mirthless exhalation. Doesn't work properly anyways. Tam whooped a great belly laugh. I stared down at the game, shame billowing through me. I opened my mouth to spit something back at her, but slammed it shut. Our inability to produce a child had torn at each of us these last two years.

We'd been trying for ages, smiling dutifully as our friends all announced their future offspring. I tried not to melt too much whenever we got the chance to hold them, but it only got harder. We were good at blaming each other, which was why I found myself wandering in. to that garage sale and bringing this hell-forsaken game back with me. Board games used to be our thing. Tonight was supposed to be about having fun and getting back to how he used to be. Tam feigned wiping the corners of his eyes

as his laughter simmered down, then scooped up the die in a meaty fist. That's a good one, Diana. Let's get this game done then, shall we? The die rolled. Hitting the centre and making a hollow ding. Hmm. I never rolled a zero before. Something weird about that.

Hey, maybe the game's having a dig at your balls, Dan. Big fat zero children for you two. Ha! I tried to relax my grip of the cleaver to let it fall. But something made me hold its handle even tighter until my knuckles popped. You'll not help. Diana sprung over and yanked the cleaver out of my hand. She held the blade high, then spun.

Her hand outstretched as she swung a backhand slash. Hot, sticky blood splattered up my cheek. Tam gargled as he clutched the gaping wound along his throat, a red river sluicing over his fingers as he tried to catch the blood. I hacked up the contents of my lunch over my knees, staring down at the frothy mixture of beer and barbecue chicken. Tam worked his mouth, a nearly inaudible croak escaping him, before his eyes rolled in the back of his head.

He slumped to the floor, a final breath relaxing out of him. Pauline glanced at the wreck of our friend, his blood pulsing out onto the carpet. She picked up the dye, rolled it, then clinked herpes seven times along the winding path. Diana, what? Maybe the last one standing wins, eh? Thought about that? Diana pointed the dripping cleaver up me,

which fizzled out of existence. She stared at her empty hand, then sat on the floor, wiping her hand furiously on her jeans. Do you know more than you're letting on? How many times I don't know anything? Would you just help me out? I thought we were a team.

We've not been a team for a long time. What's that supposed to mean? I'll forget it. Hardly matters now. Pauline stared at the cube, a silent prayer on her sallow face. After a long moment, she breathed a hefty sigh.

She leant over and handed Diana the dice. Roll. Diana cut the dye in her palm, then sobbed into it. We play as a team from now on, all right? I looked at my wife and then, Pauline. Neither of them made eye contact. All right?

Maybe she's right. A slight we're being tested to see who the strongest one is. We'd just play things to them. Diana threw the die. It rumbled across the table, coming to a stop in front of me. Five. Diana shook her head, then picked up. up her piece. A low buzz emanated from somewhere inside the board, growing stronger, setting the

fillings in my teeth on edge. I looked up, my balance wavering like I'd missed time to step on a staircase. The darkness crept in closer. I was close to leaving into that blackness and into the clutches of whatever had ripped Craig to shreds. Oh, I guess that's not referring to Tam. to ask what she meant when Diana's steely fist cracked my nose. My head jerked back, a tang of coppery blood cascading down my throat. Diana flicked her wrist and sat down. Through stinging eyes, I saw the fading words. Punch him.

Didn't waste any time there, I said, the sound rumbling through my now thick nose. A trickle of blood swammed. down my nostril and onto my lip. I batted it away with the back of my hand, then wiped it on the carpet. Tam's cold, open eyes glared at me. We should move him. Feed him to the aliens, you mean?

You want to leave him here to rot? Better than sending him into whatever's out there. Aliens, man. Delete his face. I know he was a bit of a prick, but still, It was Tam, you know. The board clicked impatiently. Liquid writing screamed the word, roll. I flung the die, rolling a six, holding my breath.

No instructions appeared. At least Ronnie's at home with my sweet little jeep. Pauline shook the die in a tight fist. Little guy picked the perfect night to heart of shit. Do you think the aliens will let us go free when it's done? Well... No. No.

We continued for an unknown time, the deep ammonia smell of urine stinging the air. The only things that changed were oppositions on the board and the encroaching darkness. The game hurried us along with its ear piercing clicks and buzzes. I leaned over the board to pick up the dye when my hand exploded with red agony. The memory of Pauline driving a silver trident

through the back of my hand, made acid coil up the back of my throat. I picked up the dye with my other hand. It rolled to a stop, inches from my wife. The harsh lights of the game blazing up her chin as the words form. Tell her. Tell me what? Diana snapped her head up, blood trickling out her closed, swollen eye. I

I Pauline leaned over and slapped a hand on the table to stop from fainting she picked up the dye dropped it then lifted it again her skin was yellow as a corpse

as she broke down in her gentle way calling her son's name over and over she rolled a three and moved her piece along the snaking path that neared the glass dome close to the end of the game Tell me what, Dan?

My mind slipped like a balloon on a thin string as my wife, my beautiful wife, stared at me over the evil board game, her skin dripping with fever sweat. I don't know what. Don't even try that. We're in this together, right? That's what you said.

Right. and it'll make you tell me anyway right my jaw wobbled as i stared into the hideous words on the cube that ruled our existence the words tumbled out i had an affair a long one ashley at my work started as a bit of fun got heavy my jaw ached as i fought against the invisible fingers that pried my mouth open she got pregnant she got it taken care of, I... Pauline sucked in a breath and covered her mouth as new words blazed from the cube. I couldn't bring myself to read them. Not after taking a knife to my marriage. I'm so sorry, she didn't mean anything to me, promise.

Don't give me that. At least we know which one of us is to blame for us not having kids. I looked over my shoulder and into the dark, willing myself to be anywhere but here. This was all my doing. I was responsible for the deaths of two close friends and for butchering my wife's heart. The note of panic made me turn to face her. She stared at me as Pauline clawed at her own face,

ghostly whales escaping her. Diana nodded down at the game. Jake is dead. No, no, it can't. It can't. Howdy? Spittle hit my face. Dead.

All because of you. Next time I get a short blade, it's coming straight for your fucking veins. Then I'm coming for the aliens that did this. She craned her neck, roaring at the blackness. Do you hear that?

You're sick, fucks! I'm coming to sless you up for even thinking about touching a hair on my superboy's head. Diana picked up the dye. Quicker we finish, quicker we can check on Jane. Right? She flung the die of four, and it clanked along the board. She handed me the die, the look in her eye telling me she'd forgotten all about my confession

because her best friend needed her. It made me hate myself on a whole new plane. I rolled a two and went about the board. On the home stretch now, see? Just, what, 20 more steps until we reach the end and get out of here. The fiery words in the cube prickled my skin. Scalp the player to your left. Pauline cried so hard into her hands that she struggled for breath.

Her long hair shaking over her face. Beside my leg, a drill clattered on the carpet. Only, it wasn't a drill exactly. It had a circle of serrated metal atop it. No! My hand moved toward the blue handle. Roll, Pauline, quick! Diana looked at me.

A river of pain warped her face as she saw what I reached for. Pauline, come on. How can the game possibly have him? How... I can feel it in my bones. I'll be saying you're... soon my little ginger snap. He's at home playing his

Sega, we, or whatever the fuck he's always playing when I tried to talk to him. We'll get out of this. You, me and shit-cunt over there. And the other two? What about them, he? A pulse tensed my hand, tightening my grip on the handle.

The plastic creaked in my palm. We're only a few rolls away from finishing this thing. Pauline, Pauline, look at me. You need to roll the die. No. Pauline stared down at the floor.

I can't. My finger twitched against the trigger. A high-pitched shrill sliced through the thick air between us. They both flinched. Bodies leaning away from me, unable to get up and run. Pauline's shoulders slumped. That's all right, Dan. Honest.

My finger tensed on the trigger, sending a deafening squeal into my brain like a dentist's drill rumbling in my gums. My hand raised itself into the air no matter how hard I pushed it down with my other hand. No! I heard myself repeat over and over as I moved steadily toward Pauline. It's all right. It'll be all right. Pauline lowered her head as if in prayer, presenting the crown of her head too. me. Below the roar of the spinning blade, I heard her soft singing. Pans and mollies and all things like, sugar-courries and rolling the dice,

my sweet little angel he comes to me, he sings loud far and dittled to be. Polly! I was close enough to smell the coconut scent of her shampoo. The high-pitched wine lowered as the blade found hair and then went into her skin blood spraying everywhere. The drill struggled as it bit into bone, making a low grinding noise that made me gag as I desperately tried to hold my hand still. Pauline shoved her head forward. The saw squealing and squelching as it sliced into the soft mass of her brain. A nightmarish whale escaped me. as pieces of white meat blasted out of the coin slot hole I'd made. I let go of the trigger and fell back.

I touched my mouth. Thick blood coated my bottom lip. Pauline's body slumped to the carpet, the drill sticking at the top of her head. I kicked at the floor, attempting to scuttle back into the damp blackness. No! Stay here and finish this, you bastard! With a sob, I watched my wife pick up the dye.

A scowl was etched on her face as she chucked it against the board, rolling a seven. Her piece clinking around the squares, nearing the end. This is it. My thin voice scratched out of my throat like raw fire. Just need it too. My wife exhaled. Her head hung so low, her forehead almost touched the table. You've said that every fucking turn.

I... She clutched her ear, sucking in a pained breath through gritted teeth. We never get the number right. We'll keep going forwards and backwards forever. How much longer can we sit here and torture each other, Dan? She sobbed, holding it up. Her fingers bent like snapped twigs. Won't be using that any time soon.

Do you have to? My tongue touched the swelling gap where three teeth used to be. An explosion of white, hot pain roared up my jaw. I closed my eyes, riding it out. You think I enjoyed mashing up your hand like that? It's never going to end. Is it? I could still see her in there,

beautiful beneath the blood and her swollen, huss-filled eye. She would have made a great mother. I scooped up the bloodstained eye. I love you. Fuck you, you brick. She let out a keening, agonised note, spittle running down her chin.

We'll go back to how we used to be. We can have our family Diana winced Like every breath knifed her lungs I closed my eyes And prayed Two Two

Two The dyes skittered along the board And swirled on the spot Taking an age to settle One He's still one step closer That's program I suppose

She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, leaving a trail of curdled yellow that made me think of custard. My playing piece shone its horrid red light, buzzing the skin on my fingertips as I lifted it and placed it one space in front of the cube that sparked her life. I wanted nothing more than to reach over and take my wife's hand as we waited on its next command. It'll be all right.

Go back to the start. What? My heart thundered. What? No. No, it can't. Water stung my eyes as I stared at my wife, who looked like a deer trapped in headlights.

That's not bad. The table shook, vibrating through my palms like an earthquake. Our two pieces exploded with color as they slid backward, tiny squeals like. fingers on clean glass as they snake back to the start. The three dead playing pieces came back to life, joining ours, a rainbow of sharp color lighting up the ancient board. My brain was on fire. I closed my eyes, a high-pitched screech reverberating around my skull. I caught the scent of Woody aftershave. Craig knelt at the table, happily taking the spreechew.

got next to my wife, his jolly smiles shining from under his bushy beard. Whoa, why the long face, Dan? You're the one who wanted to have this game night. Let's just get pitched instead. Now, let's play. Pauline sat up from the floor where she'd fallen. The hole that I'd drilled into her skull, gone. It'll be fun. Fine. Tam sighed, not taking his eyes from his phone as he sprung up next to me. Anybody know the rules? Diana's eye was healed, but twitching like it still caused her great pain. The darkness pulsed in around us, disintegrating our humble living room. I tried to stand. My legs held by an unseen force. The pieces shone with a hideous light. Diana let out a muffled sob

I can't The swirl of letters screamed Inside the cube Roll In our final tale We meet a group of people gathering to play a game But in the 2020s We have ways to play games with people

Without even being in the room with them Yes I'm talking about a company game night Via Zoom And in this tale shared with us by author Lindsay Moore. We learn that the shenanigans of corporate life aren't soon forgotten, even when playing games most trivial. I join in the fun in games and perform this tale

along with Jessica McAvoy, Matthew Bradford, Kristen DiMecurio, Wafia White, and Nicole Doolin. So adjust your webcam, make sure you've chosen a fun background, and get ready to play. After all, tonight, is trivia night. Everybody ready for trivia. Why am I talking?

I'm the only one here. Oh, hey Cindy. Hey, Dean. Man, I'm so glad this week is finally over. Hi, Cindy. Hi, Dean. Hey, Suzanne. Who else are we waiting for?

Rashida, Martin, and Janine. That's it? I think Janine pinged a few folks in marketing and HR. You'll have to ask her when she logs on. Oh. I thought you were the one who organized. Trivia Night, Dean. Janine helped. It was a joint effort.

Hey, everybody. What I miss? Man, nothing yet. We're still waiting on Janine and Rashida. Hey, y'all. Hey, Rashida. Dean, how long does this run for? I have my book club tonight. I mean, we don't have a set time or anything like that. It's just a casual thing. Okay, cool. Who else are we waiting for? Just Janine. Oh, and...

Here she is. Hey, Janine, how's it hanging? Dean, I'm doing just great. I'm thrilled to pieces that we're having trivia night. You certainly sound thrilled. Hey, Janine, your camera's off. I know, Dean. I'm having a bad hair day over here, so I'm going to leave the camera off if you don't mind. Yeah, no, it's all cool. Well, in these difficult and uncertain times, a brief diversion is just what we need. I see.

I'm a little surprised that you have the time. You've been so busy lately. Oh, I can always carve out time to spend with my favorite coworkers. I really miss being in the office. I never thought I'd say this, but I do too. At least we could still meet up online for something fun. Exactly. So, Janine and I have some really great trivia questions for you guys.

Has everyone got the trivia app on their phone? Yeah, I was having some trouble with you. I'm sure it'll be fine, Rashida. Now, everybody open the app and type in this passcode. All right, it's working. I've logged in. I see Martin, Suzanne, and Cindy. Are you still having trouble, Rashida? Nope. I've just plugged in the passcode.

Ah, there you are. So are we doing teams? I mean, there's only six of us. We could do girls versus boys. Well, that's unfair. If we do that, it's four against two. Or we could divide by two teams, Suzanne's team versus Martins. That'd be a good. Great idea, Cindy.

But I don't know which team I'd be on. I started out on Martins and then got switched to Suzanne's. I can't be on both teams now, can I? Guys, it's just everyone for themselves. Maybe we'll do teams next time. Are we ready to get started? Is everyone here? Yep.

All present and accounted for. It took two people to organize a trivia event for six? Janine reached out and said that she was interested in helping me come up with trivia questions, so... Janine, you're so generous with your time. Well, Suzanne, the important part is having fun. Now, who's ready for some trivia? Sounds good. For our first question, which animal does not make an appearance in Sergei Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf?

Is it A, the cat? B, the bird, C, the dog, or D, the duck. Oof, this is a tough one. I don't think I've ever listened to Peter and the Wolf. I didn't realize you were a fan of classical music, Janine. Well, actually, that's one of my questions, Suzanne. It sure is, Dean, and it's a great one. Let me repeat it for you.

Which animal does not make an appearance in Sergei Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf? Is it A, the cat, B, the bird, C, the dog, or D, the duck? I'm pretty sure there's a duck in Peter and the Wolf. Is it the dog? Ding, ding, ding. That's correct. Martin, you're doing a good job. Janine, are you okay? You sound a little off. I'm doing just fine, Rashida.

Let's keep this trivia party going. Question 2. In 1986, which Sesame Street character nearly boarded the Space Shuttle Challenger? They were going to put a Muppet on the Challenger? Is this for real? This is pretty obscure trivia, Janine. When did you have the time to research it? This is actually another one of my questions, Suzanne. If we're ready. In 1986, which Sesame Street character nearly boarded the Space Shuttle Challenger? Was it A, Elmo, B, Big Bird, C, Ernie, or D, Grover?

My God, that would be the saddest day ever. Can you imagine all the little kids watching as Ernie exploded? It would have been horrifying, Cindy. But that is incorrect. Ernie was not scheduled to board the Challenger. That leaves Elmo, Big Bird, and Grover. I know my brother wishes it was Elmo. My niece is obsessed with that little red hairball. The other day, she walked into one of his meetings to sing that,

Wash Your Hands song that Elmo sings at the end of each episode. Oh, that sounds so cute, Martin. And quite informative. We should all be washing our hands. However, that is the wrong answer. Elmo was not considered astronaut material, and in fact, didn't gain his current stardom until the Tickle Me Elmo toy came out in the 90s. Is it Big Bird? You're correct, Rashida.

You're doing a good job. They almost put Big Bird on the Challenger? Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, NASA wanted to get kids more interested in the space program, and they thought sending one of the Muppets in a space would be a great gimmick. The suit wound up being too cumbersome, so Krista McCallif was sent instead. God, I remember watching that on TV. Such a tragedy.

My cousin's middle name is Krista, after Krista McColliffe. Wow. That's interesting. Yeah, I should call her later. That's a wonderful idea, Cindy. This pandemic has been so rough on all of us. It's important to take the time to reach out to others. It sure is.

Janine, the game show voice is starting to get a little on the annoying side. Anyway, here's our next question. Question. What common sleep disorder is depicted in Henry Fuselli's painting, The Nightmare? I just showed it on my screen. Wow, that's freaky. Yeah, I'm not sure I like that painting at all. Is it A, sleep apnea, B, sleepwalking, C, sleep paralysis, or D, narcolepsy? I actually know this one. It's sleep paralysis.

That's correct, Martin. You're doing a good. Good job! What the heck is sleep paralysis? It's the condition where you wake up before your body does, and as a result, you can't move. Most of the time, it's accompanied by a hallucination of some sort. That's happened to me before. I was napping on the couch, and all of a sudden, I couldn't move. I thought I saw my cat walking around me, but his legs were bending the wrong way. It was super freaky. That sounds so awful? Yeah, it was. So who came up with that sleep paralysis question?

Is this another one of yours, Dean? Yeah, I figured I'd throw a little art history in there just to make it classy. Janine, I thought you said you helped Dean come up with the questions. I sure did, Suzanne. I carved out a little time here and there to come up with a few good ones. It hasn't been easy, you know. My hubby and I are working full time and taking care of my mom. Oh, that's right.

Janine, how is your mother doing? She has her good days. I'm actually a little relieved we weren't able to put her in that nursing home before the pandemic hit. I hear that nursing homes and assistant living facilities are just hotbeds for COVID. Unfortunately, that's very true, Rashida. The last thing mom needs right now is COVID. Have you recovered from yesterday? We sure have, Suzanne.

It was a little on the rough side, but we managed. I'm so glad. What happened yesterday? Our next door neighbors have a new baby, and mom really wanted to bake a cake for them. Hubby and I had to explain that there's a pandemic going on, and nobody really needs a cake right now. But you know how mom is. Oh my gosh, that sounds stressful. But what's the harm in letting her bake a cake?

Let's just say that mom can't use the oven anymore. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize... It's all over now, and that's all that matters. You know, Janine, you said you'd have that report for me this morning. Golly, Suzanne. Did I forget to email it to you? Yesterday was just so chaotic.

Well, I went ahead and finished it for you, Janine. These sure do sound like instinuating circumstances, Suzanne. And maybe this is something best left to not trivia night. Janine, read us one of your questions. Of course. Dino? Hey, has anyone else noticed that we've got a Dean and a Martin in the group? Cindy, you and Rashida should go by Jerry and Lewis. That'd be a real hoot. Yeah, it would be funny. It'd be hilarious. Anyway, next question. What did Martin tell me at my last employee review?

What? Janine, what's going on? Let me repeat that question, folks. What did Martin tell me at my last employee review? Janine, this is inappropriate. I'm sorry, Suzanne, but that's incorrect. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm closing my laptop and then I'm calling Brenda in HR. Any other guesses?

Cindy? Dean? Rashida? What's going on? Why can't I move? I... I can't move either. Janine, whatever you're doing, it's not funny and it's not cool.

Sorry, Suzanne, but that's incorrect. None of us can move. This is the sleep paralysis thing all over again. Janine, what the hell did you do to us? Why can't we move? Good guess, Cindy. But you are incorrect. Janine, I think this is something that the two of us should discuss privately.

Why don't you let us all go so you and I can talk? That's also incorrect. The correct answer is, you're doing a good job. Yes, Janine, that's what I said. Janine, you're being extremely inappropriate right now. I don't know how you're doing this, but I swear to God, once I can move again, I'm going to call Brenda. Next question. But what did Martin write in the report he gave to Suzanne when I was transferred to her?

team. Janine, this sounds like something you should be talking about in private with Martin and Suzanne. Yeah, it doesn't pertain to anyone else. And honestly, witnessing it feels weird. I feel like I'm violating your privacy. Can you please let us go? Golly, you are all incorrect. The written report Martin gave to Suzanne said, Janine makes frequent mistakes and I have spent a lot of time correcting them. Holy shit. Janine, this is a private matter. The report went on to say that Martin spends hours and hours correcting my mistakes before my work is acceptable. Janine, but he always told me, let's say it together. You're doing a good job. Janine, I can see that you're upset. You've misunderstood some things and I'd be happy to explain them to you in

private. I don't know how you're doing this, but you have to stop. Funny, I didn't hear everyone say it with me. Come on. All together now. You're doing a good job. Let me explain. These past few years have been a little hectic for me and I just didn't have the time to talk to you about your work performance. Next question, gang. It's clear that Martin lied to someone, but just who did he lie to? Did he lie to me or to Suzanne? And this seems like something you should be discussing with Martin and Suzanne. Not me, Dean, and Cindy. Please, let us go. Janine, your work has been subpar and riddled with errors ever since you were transferred to my team. I am sick and tired of your excuses, and I want you to step up and take responsibility. Say, Dean, has Martin ever told you that you're

doing a good job? He, what? What kind of feedback does Martin give you, Dean? Does he say anything? meaningful? Or does he just tell you that you're doing a good job? Martin, are you actually training me? What the hell kind of question is that, Dean? Of course I'm training you. And you're doing a good job! Tell me, Martin, how has my work been? Am I doing it correctly or do you have to fix everything? There are always one or two things to fix, Dean. That's just the way it is. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Yeah, but how are they supposed to fix them if you never tell them?

Look, now is not a good time for this discussion. I have a lot on my plate at the moment, both at work and in my personal life. Come on, that's a shit excuse and you know it. You don't know a goddamn thing about my personal life, but since you insist, I had to put my daughter in rehab for the third time. I've been so busy with her, I barely have time to do my work. Which brings me to my next question. What's Martin's favorite subreddit?

This is just... That's incorrect, Martin. What does this have to do with anything? Golly, let me rephrase that question. Which subreddit does Martin always have open in an incognito tab on his work laptop? How do you even know about that? Because your activity might still be visible to, A, the websites you visit. B, your employer or school.

C, your internet service provider. or D, all of the above. Any IT team worth their salt can see what you've been up to, Martin. Janine, you're always bitching and moaning about how you don't have any time to get your work done. You've got plenty of time to perform some kind of insane voodoo to paralyze us and come up with this trivia nonsense. That's incorrect, Suzanne. I'll repeat the question one last time. What is Martin's favorite subreddit?

I am being very, very patient with you, Janine. But you are on thin ice. Let us go now. You know what? Fuck it. I want to know what Martin was doing when he was supposed to be training Janine. Dean, do not take her side in this. You'll only make things worse.

Well, Martin's supposed to be training me, Suzanne. Am I going to end up like her? And I am, Dean. I swear to you, I am training you. You're doing a good job. Shut the hell up, Janine. No, no, Janine, tell us what Martin's been doing when he's supposed to be working. Tell us.

Martin's favorite subreddit is Fat People's Stories. And for bonus points, who has Martin posted about on Fat People's Stories? Oh my God. None of this is true. Jesus fucking Christ. Not only has Martin been monitoring what you eat, Cindy. He's been posting about it online, so. that strangers can make fun of you.

I can't. Martin, this is seriously fucked up. None of this is true. She's lying. Watching her stuff a burger and fries into her fat, ugly face is enough to make me a vegetarian. She's lying. She's bitter and angry because her work is subpar and she has no chance of even... You're doing a good job.

I've already explained this to you. My daughter's... in rehab. I've got my own work to do. I don't have time to hold your hand and wipe your goddamn nose and make sure you're doing your fucking homework. But you had plenty of time to write about Cindy on the internet. Why would you do this? What have I ever done to you? Janine is lying, Cindy. I'd never in a million years post something negative about you or anyone else in this department on the internet. That cow was wearing pink again today. I swear to God, She looks like a fucking sausage in that t-shirt.

She needs an extra, extra, extra large, but she's probably too vain to buy something that fits correctly. She just keeps deluding herself into thinking she's a smaller size. None of this is true, Janine. In fact, I could sue you for slander for the... I've got screenshots, Martin. And you cannot prove that they're from me. Just shut up, Martin, shut the fuck up.

If it's any consolation, Cindy, he embellishes so he can get up votes. Janine, this is very inappropriate, and I need you to stop. Hurting Cindy's feelings like this is wrong, and if this is some sick bid for sympathy and attention... Oh my God, Suzanne! Come on! We're all thinking it. It's why she keeps getting up in the middle of meetings to take care of her mother. Her mom's got dementia. Taking care of her isn't a plea for attention.

And besides, Martin is the one posting on fat people's stories, not Janine. That's not what I said. This is clearly a plea for sympathy. She wants us to feel bad for her so she can turn shitty work in late. That's... That's so mean. Oh, grow up, Cindy. Janine's work is shit, and all she does is make excuses.

I'm so fucking sick of it. You hear that, Janine? I can see right through this stupid little bid for sympathy. You're not the only person at this company who has to take care of someone. There are plenty of working mothers at this company, and none of them complain about it have as much as you do. Brenda in HR has two toddlers. Are you really comparing Janine's mom to a toddler right now?

No, Cindy. You're twisting what I'm saying. And speaking of Brenda in HR? How many times has Suzanne complained about Rashie? What? I, how do you know about that? Why is Suzanne complaining to Brenda in HR about Rashida's hair? Is it A, Rashida's hair is inappropriate.

B, Rashida's hair smells bad. C, Rashida's hair is unclean and might be full of lice. Or D. All of the above. What kind of racist nonsense is this? No, Rashida, she's twisting it all around. I just... You just what? You just have a problem with my dreadlocks?

Cindy hair is purple. Please, please do not bring me into this. I just... I don't think it's appropriate in a work environment. I'll say it again. Cindy hair is purple. And Suzanne's never once complained to HR about it. Listen, I was just...

I was looking at. looking out for you to make sure you didn't violate the office dress code. That's bullshit. And I... Well, everyone knows you don't wash your hair and I was concerned. That's completely untrue. I just... Listen, I thought that you didn't wash dreadlocks and I was worried about lice, okay?

I was looking out for my coworkers. No, you were being racist. Don't you see what she's doing? She's distracting us. She's making us turn on each other. Suzanne, we are all paralyzed. There's not a lot we can do. But once I can move again, I'm telling Brenda everything.

So am I. You keep telling Janine she's being inappropriate. But look at what you and Martin are doing. Oh, so you're okay with what she's doing? You're okay with her holding us hostage and ruining our lives like this? Everybody, listen. Look, I know that. that I messed up. You're doing a good job. We've all messed up, and I think that maybe if we all

apologize to Janine and promise to make it up to her, she can let us go. What do you say, Janine? You're doing a good job. Oh, for fuck's sake, stop saying that. You're doing a good job. Look, I wanted to spare your feelings. Oh, Janine's feelings are important, but not mine. I didn't post those things. Let's tell Janine that she's doing a good job and then call Cindy a fat cow on the internet. Is that it? The second we're done here, I'm going straight to HR and getting you fired. For what? I didn't do anything. Yeah, and look how that's worked out for Janine. It's not my fault. She sucks at her job. You're doing a good job. Janine, you've been floundering since you got here. And maybe this isn't a good fit for you. You don't have the authority to fire anyone, Suzanne?

No, I don't. I think. though, that Janine is having a difficult time. Janine, I think you need a break. You need to take some time for yourself. Next trivia question. What did Suzanne tell me on the first day of lockdown? Janine, please. This is so irrelevant.

Tell us, Janine. Suzanne said, Just because we're in lockdown doesn't mean that we can take it easy, Janine. You've got to buckle down if you want to pull your yourself up out of that hole you're stuck in. You've really got to burn the candle at both ends. Put down the novels and get to work. You're taking it out of context. I haven't had time to read a novel since we took mom in. She sure is a handful. To be honest, we were kind of looking forward to getting her into that nursing home. I know things have been difficult. You got that right,

Suzanne. Before COVID, it wasn't so bad because I could send mom to an adult daycare center, but now it's closed. And I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you, Janine, but taking it out on us. It's like I'm drowning, you know? I'm drowning and everyone can see, but no one will throw me a life jacket. Janine, I wish you'd told someone. Cindy, before we went into lockdown, how many times did you find me crying in the bathroom? I asked what was wrong and you wouldn't tell me. Janine, we're not psychic. We don't know if there's a problem. You have to speak up and tell someone.

Well, someone other than Suzanne and Martin. I'm sorry I thought your hair was dirty. Can you just let it go? I cannot believe you right now. Which brings me to my next trivia question. Holding us hostage so you can guilt trip us isn't going to help, Janine. You need to take a deep breath and just let go. Are you seriously saying that we all just need to let you and Martin bully us?

It isn't bullying. This isn't playground nonsense. What Martin did to Cindy clearly counts as workplace harassment. And what you tried to do to me... I was concerned. I couldn't help it. I was just concerned. What do I think about doing at least once a day?

Is it A, putting a gun in my mouth. B, slitting my wrists. C, swallowing everything in the medicine cabinet, or D, all of the above. Janine, this is sick. Janine, you need help. Let us help you. Fuck that. I've helped her enough. You haven't helped her at all. She's holding us all hostage and forcing us to watch her go crazy because of you.

Guys, I'm a little sad that no one's playing trivia anymore. That's because this is just some sick, stupid ploy for attention, and we're tired of it. Your work has been slipping, and your job's in danger so you're staging a fucking mental breakdown, so we'll all feel sorry for you. I don't think that this is staged. You shitting me right now, Dean? She's done some kind of voodoo that prevents us from getting up and leaving. You said so yourself. She's forcing us to watch her go crazy.

Stop calling it voodoo, you racist, bitch. I'm not racist. Next question. What did Suzanne say to me just yesterday after mom had her meltdown? Janine, please! For context, she wanted to know why that report wasn't done, and I just didn't have an answer. After all, I was a little bit frazzled. Listen, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry for what I said. Why is it late, Janine? Why is it late? I didn't know how hard things were for you. Gun to your head, Janine. Why is it late? What's the answer, Janine? What's the answer?

Gun to your head. What's the answer? Gun to your head. Gun to your head. Gun to your head. Gun to your head. Jesus Christ! You actually said that?

It's a figure of speech. And I was frustrated. And I didn't know she'd been suicidal. Oh, so now you believe her. Were you concerned, Suicide? Zan, were you concerned for Janine or were you only concern about my dreadlocks? Is that it? I didn't know, okay? I just didn't know and that doesn't make me a bad person. Now for our next question. What kind of gun does my hubby own?

What? What kind of gun does my husband own? Janine, please turn your camera on. Look, whatever you're going through, we can help you. Don't do it, Jeanne. It's not worth it. Sorry, folks. None of you have answered the question correctly. Hubby's gun is a Smith & Wesson 22 revolver. Janine, can you please tell us where your husband's gun is right now?

That's a great trivia question, Dean. Anybody got the answer? I'm gonna be sick. I can't believe you said that to her. It's not my fault. I can't believe you. I can't fucking believe you. I can't. Now, Dean's question was,

Janine, can you please tell us where your husband's gun is right now? And nobody got the answer. The correct answer is, with me. Hubby's gun is with me. Please don't do this, Janine. Please, please, please don't do this. We can help you, Janine. Please, let us help you.

I've got another trivia question. Janine, this isn't going to solve your purpose. problems. What's your address, Janine? Sorry, Dino. That's not the question. The penultimate trivia question is, where am I right now? You... You're not at home? I'll give you guys a hint. She turned her camera on... That's the office. She's at work!

Janine, why don't you come around so we can see you? We'd really like to see you. Are you sure about that? My hair is a mess We're positive We'd really like to see you, Janine We just want to know that you're safe and sound Can you step in front of the camera for us, Janine?

Can you please do that? Oh, but my hair is such a mess We don't care about that, do we? No, we only care about you being safe, Janine Golly, you're sweet All right, here we go Oh my God Oh my god.

Janine, your head. Oh, my God. How? How is this possible? I know, I know. My hair's a mess. How are you still alive? And now for the bonus round.

Janine, what did you do? Why is your head like that? Oh, God, there's so much blood. This isn't real. This isn't real. Half her head is gone. That stain on the wall behind her, it's still oozing. That's her brain.

Her brain is dripping down the wall. I know. It's a little messy in here. I don't think the janitor has been in because of lockdown. Then how is she still talking? No, this isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real. This is a bad dream.

I've got sleep paralysis and I'm hallucinating. and none of this was real. Janine, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't know. You didn't tell me how hard things were if I'd known if you told me. Are you seriously blaming her for this? What?

No, I'm not. You yelled about putting a gun to her head. Are you surprised that she actually went and did it? It's a figure of speech, and I didn't yell. The final bonus trivia question is, can I get a drum roll? Our very final trivia question is Whose front door did I just open?

Terrific tales are what we compile The No Sleep Files. The No Sleep podcast is presented by Creative Reason Media. The musical score was composed by Brandon Boone. Our production team is Phil Mikulski, Jeff Clement, and Jesse Cornett. Our creative content manager is Olivia White. Our editor-in-chief is Jessica McAvoy.

If you would like to find out how you can hear the extended editions of our program, please visit the no-sleeppodcast.com to learn more about our season past program. 25 episodes, each over two hours long, and three exclusive bonus episodes all for only $25. dollars. On behalf of everyone at the No Sleep Podcast, we thank you for joining us at the No Sleep Files. This audio program is copyright 2022 by Creative Reason Media, Inc. All rights reserved. The copyrights for each story are held by the respective authors. No duplication or reproduction of this audio program is permitted without the written consent of Creative Reason Media, Inc.