The NoSleep Podcast - S19 Ep25: NoSleep Podcast - Doctor Sleepless at the Stanley Live

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

A special live bonus episode from the Doctor Sleepless at the Stanley event in Nov 2022.“Incident 285” written by D. Williams (Story starts around 00:04:45)Cast: Stu – Kyle Akers, Jodie – Linsay Rousseau, Carmen – Nikolle Doolin, Matt – Mick Wingert, Radio Man – David Cummings“The Funeral” written by Gemma Amor (Story starts around 00:26:30)Cast: Rachel – Kate Siegel, Terry – Samantha Sloyan, Mike – Kyle Akers, Priest – Mick Wingert, Timothyís Corpse – David Cummings“Percival Parkerís Piano Practice” written by Oli White (Story starts around 00:48:30)Cast: Jeremy – David Cummings, Horst-Peter – Mick Wingert, December – Lindsay Rousseau, Chadley – Kyle Akers, Mitzy – Nikolle Doolin, Demon Voice – Kelly Bair“Dinner At The Gladstones” written by Henry Galley (Story starts around 01:10:25)Cast: Greg – Mike Flanagan, Linda – Kate Siegel, Melissa – Samantha Sloyan, Donald – David Cummings“Goat Valley Live” written by Bonnie Quinn (Story starts around 01:33:35)Cast: Kate – Lindsay Rousseau, Sabotta – David Cummings, Man with the Skull Cup – Mick Wingert, Bryan – Kyle Akers, Jeanine – Nikolle DoolinThis episode is sponsored by:Betterhelp – This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/nosleep and get on your way to being your best self.Click here to learn more about The NoSleep Podcast teamClick here to learn more about D. WilliamsClick here to learn more about Gemma AmorClick here to learn more about Oli WhiteClick here to learn more about Henry GalleyClick here to learn more about Bonnie QuinnExecutive Producer & Host: David CummingsEpisode produced by: David CummingsMusical score composed by: Brandon Boone“Stanley Hotel” illustration courtesy of Jen TracyAudio program ©2023 – Creative Reason Media Inc. – All Rights Reserved – No reproduction or use of this content is permitted without the express written consent of Creative Reason Media Inc. The copyrights for each story are held by the respective authors.

Hello, sleepless. Cummings here, and I'm standing on the stage at the Concert Hall at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. The hall is empty right now, except for the ghosts, which famously haunt the concert hall, and of course I'm here, fondly recalling the event which was held here on November 4th and 5th of 2022. The event was called Dr. Sleepless at the Stanley, and it featured the No Sleep podcast team of myself, Lindsay Russo, Mick Wingert, Nicole Doolin, and Kyle Akers, along with our maestro, Brandon Boone, providing live music.

Joining us that weekend were Mike Flanagan screening his director's cut of Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining, famously written by Stephen King after staying at the very same Stanley Hotel. Along with Mike were actors Kate Siegel and Samantha Sloyan, both well known for performing in many of Mike's excellent horror series, including The Haunting of Hill House and Midnight Mass.

On Saturday afternoon, we were joined on stage by Kate, Sam, and Mike as we performed some scripts from past No Sleep Live shows. I dare say, everyone had a fun and sleepless time at the Stanley. For this bonus episode, we're going to present some of the performances from that event, We have three original tales, including a new chapter from the Goat Valley Camp Ground series, and we have two of the stories performed with our special guests. Now, as you might imagine, there was a lot of tomfoolery and shenanigans taking place on stage in between stories, so in order to, let's say, expedite the story intros, I'll pop in between the tales to introduce them for you.

And after we hear the start of the show, we'll jump right into our first tale. Seems like the perfect time to introduce it. It was written by author D. Williams, famed for many great tales on the podcast and from our live shows. You may recall Danny's story, Shreds, which featured Elijah Wood in a guest appearance. In Danny's tale, we meet a group of friends driving together to experience some out-of-this-world fun. It's a shame the travels were interrupted by some strange audio messages. We're sure you'll find this tale.

captivating. And so let's kick off this special episode and launch right into the show with the way the live show started. Now please enjoy this audio presentation of Dr. Sleepless at the Stanley. For the dark hours in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. World's 100, please. Tales of horror with a little extra shine. What's that sound you hear? Coming from Room 217, join us as we get sleepless at the Stanley. Brace yourself for No Sleep Live. What a great crowd, the energy I can feel it, palpable, positive, other P-words.

My name is David Cummings. I'm the host and creator of The No Sleep Podcast. Thank you for being here. We are just so excited about this weekend's event, Dr. Sleepless at the Stanley. It's going to be a blast. We are so looking forward to it. And it's such a thrill to be able to kick it off with some stories from the No Sleep podcast gang tonight. So it's going to be a lot of fun.

We're going to be doing this story tonight by Dee Williams, and so we're thrilled about that. And this is four people in a car driving, driving in the night. strangely enough, they're not listening to horror podcasts. I don't know why. But we're thrilled to do this one. And so join us and these four people in their car as they experience an incident, dare I say, it's incident two, eight, five.

Another dead possum. How many does that bring us to? Twelve. This game is gross, guys. What? It's not like I killed them. Somebody else did. I'm just making a note of it.

Besides, it's true. It's not like we can call out license plates. It's too dark, and there's literally nobody out here. Okay, there are headlights behind us right now. One headlight. And that guy's been there like half an hour. Haven't seen anybody else besides that. Okay, well, you two can complain all you want, but I don't mind it.

It's better than having to deal with a bunch of traffic. True enough. I'm willing to bet that traffic's not much of an issue on this stretch of highway. You know, since all the really crazy tourists are up driving around Utah, trying to figure out how to get into Skinwalker Ranch. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes I feel like you're speaking a totally different language. Jody, they literally have a show about it on the History Channel. All I'm saying is that even at Rush Hour, I bet we'd see more dead possums than people.

Dead people? Dead people can't drive, Haley Joel, go back to sleep. I wasn't sleeping. I'm helping keep Stu awake, right, Sue? Oh yeah, you're doing a great job there, Matt. Just kick the back of my seat a little harder, would you? You tired? We can switch out. if you want. I can drive the rest of the way. Nah, we're not too far out now. I can make it.

I will take some caffeine, though, Carmen. Can you pass me a sewed out of the cooler? You got it. What time is it anyway? I'm so ready to get to the hotel. It is, well, 12 a.m. exactly. We're making pretty good time. Should be able to get a couple hours rest before everything opens in the morning.

Oh, thank God. I'm exhausted. What are you talking about? You've been asleep this entire drive. Yeah, because you guys are boring. Dead possums and one headlight guy do not a fun trip road trip make. Hey, I offered to start my audiobook over so we could all listen together. No way, man. 19 hours of a dude chasing a kid through a scary hotel with an axe is too much of a creep factor for me. Okay?

I hate that stuff. Okay, well, one, it's not an axe in the book. And two, I'm not listening to that one. I'm listening to the second one. Oh. So it's not a horror story? No, it is, yeah. Exactly.

Okay, so why did you even want to come on this trip if you don't like scary stuff? Well, because this isn't scary. It's a cheese fest, and it's hilarious. Ouch! Oh, I'm sorry, no offense, Carmen. None taken. You're not the first small-minded person to malign the interest, and you won't be the last. Since the Dead Possum game is apparently gross and Matt is a chicken, do we want to listen to the radio for a bit instead? You really think we're going to get signal from any rations?

radio stations, we're in the middle of nowhere. We'll get AM signals at least. Oh, God, you're not going to make us list to that coast... You're not going to make us listen to coast-to-coast thing again, are you? No. No, no, no, no, no. Driver vetoes. We're not listening to that. You've already

been indulged enough by this trip as it is. Hey, don't pretend like I'm the only one who wanted to go. You guys volunteered to come along. Yeah, for fun! That doesn't mean I want to listen to crazy people, yell about creepy stuff all night. Besides, You listening to that show in 2022, even a little ironically, is kind of questionable.

Okay, okay, I swear, I won't make you guys listen to it, I promise. But can we at least slip through the stations for a little bit just to see if there's anything fun? God, you're so weird. Stu? The driver approves. Jody, you have the comms. See, I told you we weren't going to get any signal. Wait, wait, go back. I think I heard something.

When it happened. I must have hit my head or something. It hurts so bad. I just want to go home. It's dark. And I think something else is here. Annie, if you can hear me, please get help. I think they did something to me. I want to... Carmen, I said I didn't want to listen to this show. This isn't coast-to-coast a.m. I I swear I don't know what this is. Shh! I'm trying to listen. Hello? Annie, is that you?

Can you hear me? Please, I'm scared. I need help. It sounds like he's talking to us. Maybe it's some kind of weird horror fiction podcast. Or maybe we tuned in on somebody's baby monitor. Whatever it is, it's giving me the creeps, okay?

So shut it off, Jody. No, no, don't. Please, don't. Jody? That's what they called you, right? Jody? Oh, God, please. just tell me you can hear me, Jody.

Did he just say my name? Yes. Oh my God, yes. Yes, you can hear me. What the fuck! Oh, no, no, no. Don't be scared. Don't be scared. It's okay. I promise. What the hell is this? Is this your book? Of course, it's not my book. How would my book know her name? Well, then turn it off. I don't like this. No, no, please don't. I'm real. This is real. I can hear you and you can hear me.

Please, I need your help. I need you to help me. Something bad has happened. I think this is serious, guys. No, no, no way, no way. This doesn't make sense. There's not some random guy listening in on us. This is some kind of weird joke or something, so turn it off.

But he said he needs help, and he said my name. How could he do that if he didn't hear us? You know what? Forget it. I'll turn it off myself. Jesus, Matt, get back there. Put your goddamn seatbelt back on. Then you turn it off.

No, no, no. Jody or, um, uh, uh, Carmen. Carmen, don't let him hang up on me, please. Oh, okay, okay, I get it now. Very funny, Carmen. What? I'm not doing this. How could I possibly be doing this? You're the one who wanted to turn the radio on.

You set this up with one of your other friends, didn't you? hooked up your phone to the Bluetooth called this guy to have him freak us out get us in a nice spooky mood for the trip nice work I mean good job great great prank I'm really impressed I swear it's not me you turn the radio on Jody

you know it's not set to Bluetooth you went through the station just yourself I don't even have reception out here it's not a prank and to God it's not but it has to be right I mean, how else would he know your name too? One of you said it, the scared one.

Well, I don't, you know, I'm not dealing with this, okay? So, I don't know which one of you is doing this, and I don't know how you're doing this, but it's not funny. I don't know how it's happening either, but I am begging you to believe me that this isn't a joke. Please, I need your help. I've been here for hours, and you are the first people who've responded. Where's here?

Jesus, dude, don't talk to all. What the hell else am I supposed to do? I don't know where I am. It's dark, and it stinks like cleaner. Um, what's your name? It's Chuck. I don't feel good. I think there's something really wrong. Okay, okay, Chuck. Have you tried to call the police? No, I, I must have lost my phone, but maybe one of you could. Or if one of you can call my wife?

Annie, she could help. She might know what's going on. I was with her when something happened. We were coming home really late, and it was dark, but there was this bright light. I tried to swerve out of the way, but... You were in a car accident? I don't know. I can't remember.

My head hurts so bad. This is insane. Well, maybe he has a CB radio in his car. Baby, he and his wife got in a car accident, and he's using the radio, and that's how we can talk to him. That's not how CB radios works, too. How am I supposed to know? No, that's not. That can't be it.

I'm not in my car. I'm in a room, some kind of metal room, and Annie's gone. They took her. Who's they, Chuck? They took me, too. They took both of us, and they did something. What do you mean? Who are they?

Did someone kidnap you? Oh, the light, it was so bright, and it hurt. And the sound, it was like a dental drill. And Annie was next to me on the table, and she was looking at me, and she was screaming. And, oh, my God, her eye. They're putting a needle in her eye. Chuck, are you there? Yeah, I'm here.

What the hell is? What was that? What do you mean they put a needle in her eye? What? Oh, God, my head. What the fuck do you mean they put a needle in her eye, man? Stop yelling. What are you talking about? Did one of you call my wife?

No, no, I'm not doing this. Sue, stop the car. What? What are you going to do, Matt? Have him pull over and let you out. There's nothing out here. I don't care. This is sick.

If it's not one of you pulling this prank, pulling this prank that it's this, This guy, and he's messed up in the head, and he's saying shit like that, and then pretending that he didn't. Like, I... And if one of you aren't going to turn it off, then I'm getting out of the car. We can't just turn it off.

If he's telling the truth, then something awful has happened to him, and he needs our help. He can't be telling the truth. Didn't you hear what he said? I'm not lying to you. I swear. I don't know where I am,

and I don't know what you're talking about. Putting a needle in someone's eye. Enough! We are going to keep driving? And we are going to keep dealing with whatever this is. You can't be serious. Let me finish. We're not too far out of town now, probably only another hour or so.

We will get there, and then we will go to the police station, and we will let them sort it out. If Chuck really needs help, then that'll be the best thing to do. And if Chuck is just jerking around with us... I'm not. I swear to God. Why wait? Why not just call the cops on him now? We don't have reception out here. I do.

Well, then please. call my wife. Fine. What's her number? I'll call it right now to get you to stop this shit. It's 575. Huh? 575. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? Great. That's just great. Okay, Chuck. What's your last name? Richardson. And you said your wife is named Annie, right? Right, right. Yeah. Why are you asking me this? What are you doing, Matt? I'm looking it up. Why can't I remember her number? It's okay. It's okay, Chuck. Don't panic. Do you remember what you and Annie were doing before this happened?

We were driving home. Her mother was sick, so we'd gone to see her. It's only a few hours away, and as we were coming back, I saw this light behind us, coming up behind us, and I didn't think anything of it. I found it! Oh, you found her number? No, I found proof that you are full of sheep. it. What? Let me see that. What the hell?

What? What is it? Police responded to reports of an abandoned vehicle on Thursday morning and found Annie Richardson, 35 of Artesia, unconscious in the passenger seat with the doors locked and keys inside. Police were able to awaken Ms. Richardson after repeated attempts. A field sobriety test indicated no sign of intoxication. When questioned as to why she had parked her vehicle in a no-stopping area, Ms. Richardson responded that she had gone to see her mother the day before. That's it. This is about what happened to us.

She had gone to see her mother the day before, and while driving back Wednesday night, she must have felt tired and pulled over to sleep. What? No, no, but... Long story short, Chuck, when they asked her why she hadn't had someone with her since the drive was so long, she said she didn't have anyone who would. Well, that just doesn't make any sense. That's not what happened.

And how can there be an article about it already? It only happened a few hours ago. The article was published last month. What? No, no, that's not possible. So you really have just been fucking us the whole time, huh? I haven't. I swear, I'm Chuck Richardson.

My wife is Annie, and we were driving home to Artesia. According to everything online, there is no Chuck Richardson in Artisia. Why did you do this? Who are you? I'm Chuck Richardson. Annie and I were driving home, and they took us, and they did something. Cut it out with the they shit, man. You know, what are you even trying to do by scaring us with this? I'm not trying to scare you. I just want to get home. I'm in pain, and I'm cold, and the stink in here feels like I'm being stabbed in the goddamn brain. So what do you want us to do? I want you to help.

me. I want you to make this stop. Stop. What? Stop what they're doing to me. Make them stop what they're doing to my head. Fuck this! Off, Jody! I'm trying! Jody! Jody! Jody! Stop! Stop! Calm down! Just breathe! Cops, we're done with this. Okay. Shit. What? I lost signal. You've got to be freaking kidding me. Are you still there? Oh God! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you start. it again. We're done talking to you. What does that mean? It means stop talking. Shuck! Or whoever the hell you are!

No, no. What does that other thing mean? What? The thing you said, N of four? None of us said that. Oh, so you don't know what that means? N of four? No, we don't know what that means. Leave us the hell alone.

Am I on your radio? Of course you are! How can you not know that? You're the one doing it. I'm just talking. They didn't tell me how it would get to you. I don't think it worked like they were wanting it to. What does 50% mean?

Oh my God, are you stupid? Stop talking? Leave us alone? If we can't get this goddamn radio to turn off, then you're just going to have to shut the hell up instead. All of you, keep checking your phones for signal. We've got to be coming into town soon. Jody here, check mine too.

I got it. Just pay attention. I mean, look, that guy's trying to pass us. I remember now. They let me remember. They say, oh, they say it doesn't matter anymore. They're never going to let me go home anyway. Please stop this. It's not funny.

You're right. It's not. You don't have to believe me. Jesus, what is this guy's problem? Go around. Don't just keep switching. with me. You'll know soon enough. What's happening? The one headlight guy behind us just decided to start riding my ass.

Let him go around. Well, I'm trying. They did put a needle in her eye. But that wasn't why she was screaming. She was screaming because she saw what they were doing to me. Shut up! Just... Stu, slow down! I can't. This guy is trying to run me off the road! I'm not sure I'm even human anymore. There are more lights. Is it motorcycles?

I don't know. There was only one before. The motorcycle gangs ride single file. Jesus, they're right on top of us. Just what's coming around the side? This side, too. How could they be coming around our side? There isn't a lane on our side.

I don't know. There are just lights there. There are so many lights. What is this? Don't be scared. It won't do you any good to be scared. Oh, shut up! Where over!

I can't. They're everywhere. They've got me boxed in. Oh, N of. of four, 50%. We're going too fast! We're gonna... Oh my God! What is that? What is that thing? They're going to do a better job this time.

I don't know. I guess it must have gotten tired after you nodded off. We still have, uh, we must have pulled over for a nap. What time is it anyway? It's, uh, oh, geez, it's 5 a.m. We were out for hours. Hey, hey, don't panic. We still have plenty of time before the museum opens. we're not going to miss anything. Yeah, I know. I just...

I don't know. That's really weird. I'm impressed we managed to sleep that long. I don't even remember what time we stopped. It must have been around midnight, I think. I guess a spur of the moment trip really can wear you out. Sure seems that way. Speaking of, I could use some caffeine.

Will you pass me a soda out of the cooler? Oh, sure thing. Huh. That's weird. What? I guess the cooler must have shifted around while we were driving. It's way out of my reach. Here you go.

Thank you much. You're welcome. You know, I'm excited now. To be honest, when we started off, I wasn't really sure why either of us decided that this would be a good way to spend a weekend. But I think this is going to be really fun. Me too. You ready to head out? I bet we can stop for breakfast at the UFO-shaped McDonald's when we get there.

Ooh, heck yeah. Roswell, here we come. Before we jump into the next story, let's take a quick break to get you back on the road. going in the right direction. It's important to know you're on the right path in life, and that's why we're thankful that this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, you don't have to be driving down a deserted highway listening to disembodied voices to recognize the uncertainty of where you're headed in life.

Whether you're dealing with decisions around careers, relationships, or anything else, therapy helps you stay connected to what you really want while you navigate life. I've struggled a lot in my life regarding the directions I've been going in. Don't be fooled by things like being able to do big live shows with fancy Hollywood actors. That may seem glamorous, but there's the risk of that stuff overshadowing the things that really weigh on my mind and spirit. You don't want to just cover up your struggles. You want to be able to talk through issues with a trained therapist to get a firm understanding of yourself and your path in life. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a train therapist.

try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So discover your potential with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash no sleep today to get 10% off your first month. That's better h-elp.com slash no sleep. Thanks to betterhep.com. help for sponsoring this episode. Now let's get back to Dr. Sleepless at the Stanley. We're just dying to present this next tale.

One of the podcast's most popular authors is Gemma Amor. Gemma writes great stories and she's written some fun live scripts for us. We were thrilled to perform this next story on our European tour in January of 2020. In it, we meet some people attending a funeral. So let's close that casket. and discover what happens while attending the funeral. This was a story that we did in Europe back in 2020. So, for this one, we are going to welcome to the stage, Mr. Mick Winger's

and Mr. Kyle Akers. Kyle Akers. Mick Wingers. Very is. It's Kyle Akers. You guys. And I'm delighted to give, always delighted to give, young actors, their first big break, big break, would you welcome Kate Siegel and Samantha Sly into the stage? We'll see what they got.

Come on up. I think Kate, you're going to be here. Hey guys, what you doing? Getting ready to read. Just going to do a little story. All right. This is fun. Now, so as I was saying, we did the story in Europe, and it was written by an author who you, I'm sure, are quite familiar with, the prolific and very talented Gemma Amour.

And this story, it's kind of sad because, you see, a gentleman has just died, and we do what we do. We have to gather to pay our respects. And so, we ask you to please be respectful, be mournful, cry if you must. But please join us at the funeral. I'm so grateful that you came. Hello. Yes, no, just go. Go in.

Sit anywhere you like. Thank you for being here. Yes, they miss him too. Thank you. Oh, your flowers were wonderful. Thank you for coming. Remind me whose funeral we had again? My old school friend, Timothy.

And how did he die? For God's sake. Terry, at least try and pretend you understand what tact is. He died in a car accident. I thought you said it was a heart attack. It was. He had a heart attack while driving. Isn't that a little young?

To die? Or to have a heart attack? Well, both, I guess. asking all the important questions today, aren't you Terry? Yes, it is a little young, and it's tragic. He was just about to get married. Oh, how sad. To who? You mean to whom?

Oh, for God's sakes, Mike. To whom? To that lady, over there. The one greeting everyone? With a black hat and the right red lipstick. Yeah, that's Rachel. Bold choice of outfit for a funeral. Don't get too close.

You might trip and fall into her cleavage. Could you once, just once? Let's try not to be a complete and utter shit bag in public. We're at a funeral, for God's sake. Rachel is also a friend of mine. Oh? Yes. We go way back, so please try and behave yourself,

if only for a few hours. For my sake, now I'm going to go say hello. Don't forget your head torch. You might need to navigate your way out of Breast Canyon. Oh, Rachel? Oh, hello, Mike. Hey. Hey, it's been a while.

Yeah, I know. It has. How have you been? You look well. You mean I look skinny. People always say, you look so well when you look skinny. Or when you look fat. Just come on out and say it. I look skinny. Okay, okay, fine. You look skinny.

Been on a diet? Yes, the grief diet. It involves losing one's fiancé in a horrendous car accident and then not eating for two weeks. I have to say, it's been remarkably effective. I'm sorry. Don't be. Humor, it's just my way. You know, of coping.

I know. I know, you know. You know me better than anyone. How's your partner? Oh, they're with me today, actually. Oh, right. That's them over there, the one that looks like they're dressed for Mardi Gras

instead of a funeral? Yeah, I tried to get Terry to wear black, but I was refused. Sorry, Terry's a law unto themselves, really. Rache, listen. About... Tim. Yeah, about Tim.

I'm so sorry about it. About him dying. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Thanks. And no. No, you can't. I'm sorry. You said that already.

You should stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault. Timothy died. It just wasn't meant to be. Well, I'm sorry anyway. It must be awful for you. Rachel, dearest. Oh, hello, Father.

We're about to start the service, dear. Are you ready? As ready as I'll ever be. I'll be right with you, Father. Two minutes. Roger that. Well, he seems... Priestley?

Well, I was going to say over-familiar, actually. The whole hand on your waist thing? I thought that priests were supposed to be celibate. Eschew, carnal pleasures and all that? Well, he's Canadian. I have to go in now. Things are... Things are starting.

Can we... after the service? I'm not so sure that's a good idea, Rage. Why? Well, you know what happened last time? I remember. Are we bad people, Mike? I don't think so.

It's just, I'd like to talk about what happened. Today, but it's Timothy's funeral. Yes, I suppose. Well, you always were one step behind me. What? Never mind. I'll see you after. Maybe.

Maybe. Well, that looked cozy. I told you, so you's an old friend. Come on, it's starting. I could have been shopping today, you know. Neiman's had to say alone. I know. I know it was very good of you to drag yourself here.

Now, come on. Loved ones and friends of Timothy Braithwaite, we're gathered here to say farewell to Tim, to celebrate his life and to commit him to the house. Hands of God. Shut up, Terry. You're being rude.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Slightly aggressive. I will now give a short homily in celebration of Timothy's life. After which, I invite you to pay your respects to Timothy's body

before we place him in the ground. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what does he mean pay respects? He means you go and say goodbye to the body. Wait, like, wow. it's lying there, like in the coffin? Oh, no, dear. He means in Starbucks over Skinny Mogachino. Yes, in the coffin. You know this is a funeral, right?

Yeah, but, oh God, but it's an open casket. Why didn't anybody tell me it was a freaking open casket funeral? It can't be that bad, sweetie. Haven't you seen a dead body before? No, I have not. Especially not a mangled, two-week-old, festering body of a dear friend. Lord our God, you are the source of life In you we live and move and have our being

Keep us in life and death in your love Well, how bad can it be, Mike? I don't think you're making a dreadful... I think you're making a dreadful mess over nothing. It's just a part of life after all. We all die in the end. It's better to come to terms with it now than struggle when it's our turn.

Okay, but he drove head first into a tree at 90 miles an hour, Terry. He left a million pieces of himself all over Ice 70. Whatever is left of him in that casket, I don't want to see it, thank you very much. But you have to. Everyone else is. You have to pay your respects.

Otherwise, well, it is very rude. No, no, no, no, no. I don't. I don't have to do anything. I can be perfectly respectful sitting right here. You can go. I'm staying put. And by your grace.

See, my respects. It's not like it's Kubrick up there for God's sake. Will you two please be quiet? This is a funeral, not a social occasion. Sorry, Father. And by your grace, lead us to your kingdom through your son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

You may now pay your respects to Timothy's mortal remains. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I won't do it. It's barbaric. It's against my religion. You're an atheist, Mike. Well, whichever religion doesn't insist on a tete-a-tete with a dead corpse, I've converted to that. Fine. You're being such a baby, Mike. I'll go. I'll give him a kiss on the cheek for you.

So, is it... Is it bad? Darling, I think perhaps you made the right choice. He looks... Well, quite honestly, he looks like an overdone casserole. I mean, they put makeup on him where they could find a patch of skin. Oh, God. Poor Timothy. I now invite the deceased's fiancé, Rachel, to deliver a eulogy. And if everyone else in the congregation could quiet down, I'm sure she'll be able to deliver it with more ease. Rachel.

Hello, everybody. I wanted to say thank you for being here today. I know Tim was much loved by many of you. He would have appreciated you all being here now. So this is the part where I stand here and I say nice things about my fiancé, isn't it? How much I loved him. How kind and generous he was. I mean, I could say those things, but...

Oh, here we go. But they weren't true. Truth is, I hated my fiancé. Well, thank you, Rachel, dear. I understand you must be feeling very, very confused about everything right now. Grief does strange things to us all, doesn't it? Now, does anyone else... I am not grieving, father.

I hated Timothy. In fact, I was about to break up with him right before he died. You see, I just couldn't stand to be around him anymore. This is gold. Suddenly, I find myself warming up to her. Shut up, Terry.

Rachel, why are you saying this? It's Tim's funeral. Well, I don't see any better time, to be honest than now. Do you? I mean, we're all here and more. morning, we're dressed in our finest. Oh, look, Aunt Meg's had our hair specifically done just for this. It is terribly sad that Tim lost control of his car on the road and drove into a tree.

But I have to say, the man was a bit of an asshole, wasn't he? Oh, young lady, this is the house of God. Well, God wants me to tell the truth, doesn't he? Rachel, be quiet. You don't know what you're saying. I just, I mean, none of you knew him, not like I did. Rachel, stop this at once. So, we should stop.

eulogizing right now. What was that? It came from the coffin. There it is again. It's coming from the coffin. Timothy? Is that you? No, it can't be.

You're dead. Oh, he's definitely dead. It must be air still trapped in his lungs, perhaps moving him to the church jiggled everything around, and the air is simply trying to escape. How would you know something like that? I read.

Us Weekly doesn't count. Yes, it does. Oh, I've read about this, too. Don't panic everyone. It's just rigor mortis, that's all. He's still dead, but his muscles are tightening up like an automatic response. Plus, there's probably buildup of gas inside and... What?

Who even are you? What? Morticians talk about it all. the time. I have been sleeping on a bed of lies with morticians weekly here. It's all perfectly normal. Everyone, no need to panic. Do his fucking vocal cords have rigor mortis, too? Oh my God, Timothy. I'm so sorry, I called you an asshole. I didn't mean it. It's just like, it's been a really difficult couple of weeks. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Most glorious prince of the heavenly army, St. Michael, the archangel defend us in our battle against the spirits of wickedness

in the high places. Can't you do something more useful than a fucking prayer? Look at it. It's trying to climb out of the coffin. Hit it over the head with something. I'm not going to hit him over the head with anything, young man.

That would be murder. Well, he's already dead for Pete's sake. Uh, uh, uh, he's doing the best he can under the circumstances. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. Hey, don't you sunshine, me, collar boy. I've had it up to here with this churchy shit.

And I'm just not going to... It's on, though. I'm coming out of the coffin. I thought you said it was just trapped, when? Well, I don't freaking know. US Magazine didn't say anything about this. Oh, he's standing up now. Father, hidden with the prayer book or a candle.

With anything. I'm not harming another human being in the house of God. Oh, where's he going? Look, he's walking this way. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I thought you didn't believe in God. Shut up, Terry. Look, he's pointing a finger at me.

Why is he doing that? Why are you doing that, Timothy? You're dead. Because he knows, Mike. He must know. What do you mean? He knows. He couldn't know. Knows what? What is she talking about, Mike? That night.

The night of the accident, Mike and I, we... We slept together. We were asleep in a bed together, in a hotel when... When it happened. What? It's true. Rachel and I we I'm sorry Terry

I'm sorry Timothy I will kill both of you how could you how could you do this to me you son of a bitch after all the things that I have done for you oh great now the dead guy is crying

I prefer to when he were angry at me Timothy where is he going now he's walking away which is exactly what I should do he can't leave he can't just go outside He's a freaking he couldn't provide. He's nearly at the door. Stop him!

We can't let that abomination out into the world. Call the police and tell them what? Exactly. A reanimated corpse is walking loose around Frampton Cottrell? Terry, you're the closest, quick. Close the church doors. Why me? Terry!

Fine! Oh, okay. Okay, okay, we stopped him escaping. What now? Well, an apology would be a freaking good start if you ask me, you harlot. Whoa. Look, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this now. We have to decide what we do about the reanimated corpse.

Well, it's simple. We have to kill him again. What? Well, the alternative is you can take him home and chain him up in the shed and keep him for a pet. How does that sound? Not too bad, actually. But I don't want to kill him. It's Timothy.

Well, you said yourself, you hated him. I know, but murder? That just seems so, so extreme. Do I need to remind everyone that he is? is already dead? I mean, look at him. His left ear fell off like ten minutes ago. Mike has a point, Rachel.

Even if he is a cheating low life, he has a point. Well, thank you, Terry, I think. So let's think about this critically. Timothy is clearly dead, but he's also not dead. Oh, God. Are those his entrails dragging across the floor after it? Oh, I just had that refinished. In zombies, you attack the brain, right?

that usually does the trick? More insight from Us Weekly? Oh, shut up, Mike. And you don't get to speak anymore. You are on the naughty step. Now, Father, how heavy would you say that wouldn't lectern is that you've been reading from? Oh, well, it's solid oak,

so it's very heavy indeed, but it was hand-carved in the mid-17th century. I don't want brains all over it. Wouldn't you say it was your duty, though, as a man of God, to protect us against unholy evil? I'm currently considering a career change? Well, I'm not doing it. I'm not killing him. For fuck's sake, he just looks so,

so sad. He's not the only one, Mike, and a sad zombie is still a zombie. Is no one else going to take responsibility for this? Well, fine. I guess it's up to me then. Oh, God, this is heavy. It's a good job. I kept up with the gym. Okay, now, here's zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie. Oh, that is a good undead corpse. You know, just a little closer. Oh, Timothy, I'm so sorry. Just a little... Ah, gotcha!

I'm terrified or turned on, quite honestly. Shut up, Mike. Sorry, dear. Is he... is he gone? Feel free to check. I think you'll find it a bit difficult to take his pulse, though. So? What now?

Well, if I leave now, I can still catch that sale at Neiman's. Well, you can't leave now. You're covered in brains. It's all the more reason to buy a new outfit. In the meantime, I expect all your stuff to be moved out of my apartment on return. And you and Tits McGee over here, you can run off into the sunset, and I've had enough. Goodbye. Goodbye, Father. Rachel, he's all yours.

Terry, Terry, come back. Come on. I made a mistake. God damn it. No offense, father. I'm going to. I can't stay here with... With Timothy spread out across the floor like that. Besides, the guilt. It's what I was trying to tell you earlier.

We did make a mistake, Mike, and I feel awful about it. I can't see you anymore, I'm afraid. You can't just leave me here alone with this mess. Goodbye, Mike. It's for the best. And on that note, I've decided to renounce my retirement. What? I really don't want to be a priest anymore. not after the things I've seen today.

I'll be leaving now, but be sure to lock up the door on your way out. The key is under the mat. Hey, no, no, no, no, not at you, too. You can't leave me alone with this. Father, everyone, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just fucked up. Oh, God. Oh, God, he's not dead.

He's not dead. Wonderful. Wonderful. They passed the audition. Well, thank you. And this time without marrying anybody. Hey-oh. I would say mic drop, but different connotation.

Samantha Sloan and Kate Siegel. Who knew a funeral could be so enthralling? Well, you know, it's easy to think about horror taking place at a funeral, but you don't often think about horror coming from a simple dinner party for friends, especially when the host has a very gifted musical child. We leave it up to the twisted mind of Olivia White to craft horror from just such a setting. So let's hope this story strikes the right chord

as we listen to Percival Parker's piano practice. This is a fun story, and basically we are, think about a nice big country home, and some friends and family are gathering for a delightful dinner party, and I think it's going to be simply smashing. And so we're going to meet a man who lives with his son, and his son is very studious.

His son is very musical. And so we are going to learn all about Percival Parker's piano practice. About Lynette, she found a dead woman in her pantry. No. Oh, that's just frightful. Well, I hope she made good use of it, December, my love. No sense in letting good meat go to waste.

Horse Peter, you're vile. Speaking of dead, have any... Have you actually seen Jeremy since... Since our dear Marsha passed, since the funeral? Come to think of it, no. This dinner party will be the first time. I do hope he's doing well. Oh, and good old Percival too.

Why, he must be, what, eight or nine now? A healthy seven years old, actually. Hey, Jeremy. Missy, hello, sister dear. And Chadley, the old ball and chain. Ah, and who have we here? My good friends from college. Horst, Peter, and December.

You finally made an honest man of a meant, eh? Desi Dece, dear? Yes, well, almost. We finally have a date. Next summer. Invitations will be going out shortly. Oh, you all must attend, of course. Of course, of course. This is wonderful music you put on, Jeremy. Very relaxing. Classical. Vinyl, if I'm not mistaken, it has that iconic recording crackle to it.

Actually, it's Percival. He's doing his piano practice. just in the parlor. Ooh, may we peek in and say hi? Best not. I like him to focus 100% while he's practicing. Yes, yes. Anyway, let me lead you straight to the dining room. Chef Jeffreys is almost ready with the first course.

I'm excited. We haven't had a dinner party together in a long while. Not since, well, not since the last one. Come on, everyone, I'm starving. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, let's go. Is it just me, or does he seem a little manic? Oh, definitely. But he's always like this.

No, I'm not so sure. My dude usually has mad chill. Right now, he's got zero chill. Oh, well, let's go and sit down. Whale is absolutely divine, Jeremy Elkoy. My compliments to Chef Jeff. You weren't kidding when you said he's a wizard with labor. It's Chef Jeff.

freeze horse, don't be so uncouth. Oh, I'm sure the man has heard that one before. Exactly. So try and be a bit more original. So, um, Percival really is coming along extremely well with his piano, Jeremy. Yes, yes, he is. Yes, I'm very proud of him. He's a, well, what do you call it? A virtual realtor? Virtual realtor. What?

What are you saying, man? Did you mean virtuoso? Yeah, that or... Something, I don't know, bro. It's chill. He's got a vibe. Jeremy, does Percy have an IMDB page? An IMDB page?

What? You mean a TikTok, right, honey? All the kids have TikToks these days, showing their faces on the websites, playing instruments live to their friends. Yes, Patrick from work told me you could make a lot of money doing that kind of thing.

Oh, and video games too. And poker and slots all on the internet. That's crazy. Oh, I told this one now, don't go getting any ideas. Well, no, no, I don't think Percival has TikTok or an IMDB page. He's not much into technology. He just really likes playing the piano. Yes, the piano.

Well, he at least has an iPhone, right? Well, he is seven. So, all the kids have iPhones. Our two got our first ones when they turned three. Well, not everyone has the same. I don't blame Jeremy for raising a child away from the horrors of the World Wide Web. Oh, you know what? I'm going to go ask him. I'm going to go ask Percy if he wants Uncle Chad to buy him an iPhone 14. No, no, please, please just leave him be. I really need him to finish.

Yes. I'm terribly sorry about that, folks. I just really want Percy to get it good, to have the musical opportunities I didn't have as a kid, you know? Jeremy, in fairness, Mom and Dad got you recorder lessons and you didn't stick with it. Recorder. Exactly. Literal hot garbage. Sounded like a shrieking pigeon.

Piano was my dream. I want Percy to have the opportunity to go to a prestigious music school in Europe, join an orchestra. He's just got to put the work in. To be honest, Jeremy, your kid doesn't sound like he needs more practice. Yeah, man, it could legit.

be Chikovsky in there? This isn't a Chikovsky piece, dear. Whatever it is, it's beautiful. It's really tugging at my heartstrings. It really is impressive. How is one little man making such wondrous sounds? I know. He plays the instrument as though it's an extension of himself.

I mean, it's just marvelous. Oh, you must be so proud, Jeremy. But don't push him too hard. You don't want him to get sick of the piano and pull away from it. Oh, nonsense. Nose to the grindstone, I say. Yes, well, I have.

Well, I think things are working out okay. Did he start the piano after, you know. After Marcia died. We don't need to pussyfoot around in December. My Love, Jeremy's a big boy. Actually, no, he started playing shortly before she passed. So she got to hear how dope he was on the keys? Sick.

She must be very proud wherever she is. She's dead, Chad. I know. I'm not that high. I mean, like an afterlife or some shit. Hi, I wonder where Chef Jeff Dreeze is with the next course. Maybe I should go and check.

Don't you dare, old man. This is your party. I need to use the little boy's room and I'll go stick my head in the kitchen and give my compliments while I'm at it. Yes, yes. And I might accompany you, horse dear. I need to powder my nose.

All right, all right. Just promise me you won't interrupt Percy. He's very, very fragile. Gile at the moment still? Yes, that's it, yes. I promise. And I'll hold him to it. Tell me I'm not losing the old mind.

Something weird is going on, right? That man's acting strange. Absolutely, and his pupils are so wide. I don't know how Mitzie stands it. Not Chadley. I met Jeremy, our old pal, you know, our host. Of course.

Well, now that you mention it, yeah, it is kind of weird that he won't let Percy out to see us. That boy used to be so sociable, But then, well, he did lose his mother less than a year ago. And he wasn't in attendance at the funeral either, remember? Too distraught. Right. And do you remember how Jeremy told us Marcia died? It was some kind of accident in the home. Oh, no. Do you think Percival saw it?

I think it's worse than that. I remember looking it up online. Marsha was killed by a falling piano. Oh, no, she was. Oh, that is an awful thing to say, Horse. don't even joke about it. I'm not. I'm not. Desi, I promise.

Well, what does it even mean? I don't know, but it's strange, isn't it? Marsh is crushed by a piano, and now Jeremy's forcing little Percy to play and play and play. Oh, I hope he isn't one of those lunatics you hear about. Shh, sh, shh, we'd better go back in. They'll start to think we're meddling. And then it turns out the priest is a vampire.

Oh, hey guys. That's a good one. Welcome back, folks. You just missed my dear husband giving Jeremy and I a spoiler-filled rundown of his favorite Netflix show. Oh, devastated. I can't believe we missed it. Oh, well, Chef Jeff said there was a hiccup with the brisket, but it'll be along shortly.

Ah, thanks for checking, guys, and thanks to everyone for being so, well, accommodating. What are you talking about, silly? you're the one accommodating us. In this big old house, all alone with Perciville. You know, you ought to think about getting back in the saddle again, if you know what I mean. Marsha wouldn't want you to be lonely or... Or... No, no, I'm just fine with Percy.

Just Percy and I right now. Too soon, yeah. Oh, bless you, Jeremy. And you have Chef Jeffreys for company. A man has needs beyond... food. Don't know what you'd know about that anymore, horse. That's great. It's just hilarious. Errectile dysfunction. Oh, pipe down, Chadley. We both know it's the size that counts, and I could outdo you.

Where is that brisket? Hey, music is a little depressing, isn't it? I really think we should check on Percy. He must be able to hear us in here. Are you sure you're? not pushing him too hard, Jeremy. I told you, Percy is absolutely fine. Leave him be. You don't need to meddle with this like you do everything else, Mitzi.

Oh, well, oh, I just wanted to see my nephew. It's been almost a year. I'm sorry. I am sorry, Mitzi. That was cruel of me. I'm just very on edge lately. After...

Hey, man. We get a... No, no, you don't. That's just it. That's the problem. I wish I could explain. Hey, hey, hey, big fella, it's nothing to get worked up about. Trust me. Let's just change the subject. I'm... I'm gonna go check on Chef Jeff Jeffries. That brisket's got to be ready soon. It's, it's just got to be. Just please, please, friends, just leave Percy B. He's fine. Now that Jeremy's gone, we're gonna go check on Percy immediately, right? Absolutely.

Yep. Come on. I'm worried about the boy. Okay, follow me. Door's locked. Step aside, husband. I'm the master of unlocking. Quietly now, we don't want to startle the poor kid. Jeremy said he's fragile, and that part's probably true. Oh, my God. I'm going to be sick. Let me through. I'm just...

Oh, my Christ! Everybody back away. Close the door. Quietly as you can. Quietly as you can now. The thing... It's a monstrosity. I can't tell where the boy ends and the piano begins.

It was... It was... Percy. It's my Percy. Dude. Bro. Jeremy? I think you'd better tell us everything. Honestly, what's happened to my poor dear nephew?

It's my fault. It's all my fault. I'm a terrible person, but I just wanted the best for him. Oh, I'm sure. Sure it's not your fault, old dean. You've always been a great father. No, no. I have to take some responsibility here.

It was just over a year ago. I was in my office trying to work. Percy was down here in the conservatory, practicing his piano, and it was all just plonk, you know, just dreadful. And I could hear him getting upset with it, just trying fur release over and over again,

not being able to nail it. So I kind of said aloud, oh, I wish my son was a perfectly designed pianist. I don't know why I thought to say it like that. God damn it, why. Okay, but... What? But then I heard a voice whispering behind me, a rasping, terrifying sound that sounded like a violin bow scraping against dead vocal cords. And it said... Should that so be your way?

The music of the spheres proclaim. The music of universalus? What now? It's metaphysics, bro. You wouldn't understand it. Oh, whatever, you anachron. This kithy. Boys, boys, please let Jeremy finish.

Yes. Without even thinking, I said yes. It only struck me moments later that I was making a deal with an unseen terrifying force. But no sooner did that dawn on me than my Percy's music became divine. He played through Fiorhalis with ease, then segued into Beethoven and Schubert to Rachmaninoff. By the time I snapped out of my Stendahl syndrome and rushed downstairs, he was mastering Sans and already shifting to Chopin. I burst in, and he turned to me with a wide, beaming joy on his face.

I did it, Daddy, he said. It was the last time I heard his voice. Already his body had begun to fuse with the piano. Extra arms sprouted to give him the range required for the keys. His legs became one with the pedals, and what need would he have with a voice when he spoke with the melody of hammers hitting strings? Oh my God, my poor Percy, this is awful.

But what about Marsha? What did she say? I never told her about the cursed pack I made with the Demon Duke Dantalian. I managed to convince her that Percy had a rare condition that ran in our family, that he'd, oh God, that he'd grow out of it when he hit puberty. And for now, all we needed to do was just let him keep playing. and play he did all day and all night. Then one evening Marcia had an important work thing the following day. She asked Percy if maybe he'd consider playing more quietly that night.

Just at once, she interrupted his practice and he killed her, landing a diving crossbody from the top of the stairs when she least expected it. At least people are familiar with the idea of death by falling piano. I covered it up, but, oh God, Percy's just getting more murderous. Anyone who interrupts him gets killed. He's unstoppable. Wait, what are you doing with all the bodies? He eats them, every part of them.

And he's so strong. He scuttles around and climbs and crawls and, Oh, God, sometimes I have to feed him. He lets me live so I can feed him. Wait, what about Chef Jeff Jeffries? Does he know about this? Yes, yes, I met him through an online support group of parents in similar situations. You see, he has a daughter who became fused with a clarinet.

He was looking for a job, and I was looking for a confidant. Things worked out perfectly. Speaking of, where is he? Surely that brisket should be done by now? Oh, hoarse, honey. Surely there are more important things right now than dinner. I know that woman, I'm just saying, isn't it odd? No, no, no, it's fine.

Chef Jeffreys is fine. As long as the piano's still playing, Percy's occupied. We only need to worry if the music stops. Why? What would that mean? Oh, my God. It would mean Percival isn't distracted, obviously. Right, and we don't want that melodic monster noticing us.

us and or eating us. Hey, don't talk about my Percy like that. He's still my son, horsed. Jeremy, it's not Percy anymore. It's not. You have to accept it. He's an instrument of the devil now. We should smash that piano beast

to smithereens and end this waking nightmare. Nobody is breaking Percy to pieces. Mitzi, dear. Did you remember to re-lock the conservatory door? Uh, no. Oh, what? The little monster shut the electricity off. Nobody move.

Piano's have strings. It can pick up our vibrations. I don't think those are warm. Oh, what? It's here. I can't see a thing. Everybody, everybody stay calm. Percy, son, it's me.

It's daddy. The rest of him! Oh, no! No! It is going to even two. No! Percy, Percy, please. He's my oldest friend from school.

I don't know. No, he's normally full after one or two people. I'm starting to think you're keeping things from me. Percy, hey, Percy, it's your aunt Mitzi here. You remember me, don't you? Where are you? It's okay. You're safe now.

You can... Percy, Percy, it's okay, son. It's me. It's me, but you've got to. You've got to do your piano practice now. Be a good boy for Daddy, okay? Then soon we can go where your uncle Jeff promised, okay? Percy, Percy, you're such a handful.

Ah, but don't worry. Jeffries has set everything up. We're moving in with the others next week. And then you'll have a whole orchestra of friends to play with. Ah, what jolly old fun, eh? I rather like ferocious killer piano. Stories like that really are Olivia's forte. Now let's move right along to a tale also from our European tour,

written by Mr. Henry Galley. Joining us for this one are Sam, Kate, and Mike, as you'll hear. So there's not much for me to say about this one. Oh, in fact, Kate Siegel, what's that question you want to ask your husband? Hey, Mike, you nervous? Yeah, this is weird. In case you don't know, Samantha Sloy and Mike Flanagan and Kate Siegel. Tomorrow when you're heading home, I'd like you to keep the main lesson of this weekend that you have clearly learned.

Bald horror creators are the best. How wonderful. It is such a thrill to be on stage with these three lovely people. It's amazing. I mean, I don't hang out with Hollywood people, but I hear stories, and it's so amazing to know what down-to-earth-friendly, wonderful people these are. So we are going to do a story that was originally written,

or was written, and that we originally did in one of our European tours, written by Mr. Henry Galley. Henry's done a lot of great stories for us. And so he did this one, which we had a lot of fun doing, and we will again today. So in this story, we meet two couples.

One couple, a gentleman who runs a big company, and the other couple features a gentleman who, well, he's been let go from the company. And so it's maybe rather odd that they would be gathering for a dinner party. So let's join them and see what happens. Yes, let's have dinner at the Gladstone. Jesus, what were those directions?

I'm amazed we found the place. Greg, why do you always have to be such a pessimist? We got here. Didn't we stop grumbling about it for two seconds? Time is money, Linda, and right now we're in poverty. Drama queen. How is Bill doing when we live? I haven't heard from him. I mean, you know what Bill's like. He comes and goes.

Comes to make withdrawals from the International Bank of Mom and Dad, then goes to spend it all. I wouldn't mind if he just gave us a little respect or even talk to us, but no, just a big heaping, helping of cold shoulder. Just try to put it out of your mind during dinner, Greg. It was very nice of the Gladstone's to invite us over, especially considering, you know, what happened. Where was Bill headed? Greg? Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Linda.

I just wanted to know. We've got a lot riding on tonight. Sue me for not wanting to leave anything about this to chance. Fine. He told me he was heading to a Halloween party at Nathan's house. Nathan, that little shit. You know, he was always a bad influence. You made sure Bill ate before he left, right?

I made him lunch. And he ate it? Yeah. You're sure he ate it. Yes, Greg, I'm sure. Good. Good. so he should be good until we get back.

Parenthood, right? Right. It's all going to be a hell of a lot easier after tonight, Linda. A hell of a lot easier. We just need everything here to go off without a hitch. I know. I know. I know. You're not the only one who planned all this, right? It'll be fine.

If things go smoothly, which they will. Okay. Here we are. Big smiles. Big smiles. Did I knock again? No, that's rude. Just wait. A little longer?

A little longer is not going to hurt, Greg. See, see, this is what he always does. This kind of shit is why it... Hello! Hello! Oh, yes, yes. Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Brown. Greg now, Donald.

None of this Mr. Brown business. Of course, of course. Any trouble finding the place? I can't help but notice you being fashionably late. Oh, well, we had just some trouble with the direction directions. We had trick-or-treaters mobbing the streets in town and this place. This place is really out there.

Guilty as charged, Mrs. Brown. We like our privacy out here. Oh, you can call me, Linda. Well, then, let's get you off the porch, shall we? Of course, of course. Stay out here any longer, and you'll be frozen stiff. Come in, come in.

I'll lock the door. It's better safe to be sorry, right? Of course, of course, so many crazy people out there these days. You can't ever be too careful. Right. Okay. Wow. Don, Melissa, this place is beautiful.

You two really have landed on your feet. Making the best of a bad situation has always been a talent of ours. Isn't that right, honey? Why, yes, darling. Making purses out of pig's ears all day long. No kidding. This place is gorgeous. How on earth did you afford this all after?

You know, well, we've been saving money in all the right places. Speaking of, dinner's in the oven. I've been slaving away in the kitchen all day. We really wanted to make tonight something special. Oh, there's no need to go above and beyond for little old us, right, Greg? Right, right. We're just friends. No need to go over the top.

Oh, that's us. Always going over the top. Take a seat. We'll be right back. Okay. Sure. Yeah, we'll do that. Back in a jiffy. Yep, two shakes of a fuzzy little lamb's tail.

Seems like they're adjusting to the new situation well. I'm not sure. Don't they seem a little off to you? I don't know. I just feel a little uncomfortable. Yeah, I mean, they're a little cheerier than usual, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe they're just happy to be back in the swing of things. Right. Whatever you say, Linda. And we're back. Donald, Melissa, how's dinner coming along?

Marvelously, Mr. Brown. Please, Don, just Greg. We're friends, remember? Right, yes, of course. Old habits die hard. What are we having? A slow roast with a side of steamed vegetables. Sounds delicious. We haven't eaten all day. Well, you won't have to wait much longer, Greg. We'll take wonderful care of you. Until then, how about some wine? I've been saving this bottle for a special occasion.

Now seems like a good time to pop it. Are you sure? I'd hate for you to waste good wine on us. Oh, nonsense. Nonsense. It's a special occasion. We'll pull out all the stops. I'll just have one glass. I'm the designated driver. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. One glass? Where's the fun in that, Gray?

Yes, treat yourself. We've got a guest room. You can stay here and leave tomorrow morning once you've sobered up. Yes, I know some excellent hangover, curate. you know. That is so nice of you to offer, but Greg has to be at work tomorrow morning, so we really shouldn't. Nonsense, nonsense. Come on, Greg, here with a big boss man. You can set your own hours, can't you? Well, I suppose. There we go. I'll pour you a glass, and you too, Linda. Oh, thank you. Sometimes you just have to live a little.

Of course, of course. You never know when you'll stop getting the opportunity. this is delicious it's truly divine yes i agree when was it bottled oh it's a good question let me to check here um hmm nineteen ninety six by the looks of it it's excellent year that was when you started working at walker and walker and walkers limited isn't that right dolly why yes that's right i it was before you acquired the company wasn't it gregg i uh you know i don't quite remember the wine must be going to my head quicker than I thought. It was the year Bill was born, wasn't it? Oh, yes. How could I forget?

Bill? Oh, yes, your boy. How is he, by the way? He must be in college now, right? Huh. Well, you would think so. But he's not really... Well... Well, what? We're waiting.

No judgment, after all. We're friends here, right? Right. Bill just isn't really up to all that much at the moment. We're having some trouble with him. He's what politically correct experts call a problem child. Oh, yes? How so? He's been acting out lately. He stays out all night, never doing his chores, always asking for money,

and of course he flat out refuses to get a job. What a terrible shame, right, Donald? Yes, yes, terrible, terrible shame. Why not just give him a job at Walker? Walker and Walker's Limited, you know, an internship. Wouldn't do any good. The boy just won't work. It's one thing to let him sap money out of us through his allowance. It's another thing entirely to let him mooch off the company dollar. We're having enough trouble with layoffs already. Oh, don't we know it?

Right. We've been finding balloons in his pocket, too. Oh, perhaps he's moonlighting as a birthday cloud. Yes, yes. That would explain an awful lot. Textbook birthday clown behavior, definitely. I appreciate your optimism, but the reality is that our little Billy has taken to doing whippets. Like the dog? Beastiality! How horrifying!

No, no, no, no. Oh my God, no, no, no. Nitrous oxide, I mean. You know, like, laughing gas? Kids are taking it at the parties to get high or so I've heard. You would think he'd get enough laughs at our expense, advantage to taking little shit. It's terrible how children these days feel the need to indulge in intoxicants to have a good time. Another glass of wine, anyone?

Oh, God, yes. Please, please. Count me in. Now, listen, Greg, Linda, I have so much respect for what you're going through. You're doing wonderfully, all things considered. It's true. I'm sure there is an end in sight. Yeah, yeah, right.

Word of advice, never have kids. Pains in the ass. Financial drain, a complete lack of her. Wow, Greg, that's enough. Think people get the idea. Sorry, I'm a grumpy drunk, I guess. No need to apologize. Like I said, we're all friends here. All friends here. Yes, yes. Fast friends.

So, you two seem to be doing well for yourselves? Yeah, it's nice to see you're on the up and up. Lovely home, great wine, you seem happy? Well, it wasn't always that way. Yes, yes. We went through a bit of a dark patch after the, uh, incident. But we're all better now. Yes, all better.

Good as new. Right as rain. Fit as a fiddle. 100% sane. Zero percent crazy. How'd you do it? Having goals helped, it really gave us a sense of direction following the mess. Something too hope for.

Yes, yes. After losing my job at Walker and Walker and Walker's limited, I felt like I was lost in a void. After all, I'd been at that job for, well, about as long as Bill's been alive. Yes, I loved it. It was my whole life. So, when I lost it, I had to take a new one. Honestly, Greg, I've never felt better. I'm very glad to hear that, Donald. You know, letting you go is really nothing personal.

You were one of the best credit officers of the company, just, you know, this economy and cutback sacrifices needed to be made. Oh, we understand, Greg. We really, really do. We've made plenty of sacrifices since Don lost his job, and we're better for it. Much, much better. Yes, much better. If anything, we're grateful. It was a real blessing in disguise. I can't thank you enough. Dinner ready. Smells delicious. Oh, I almost forgotten. I'll go check. I'll join you, dear. Be right back. Right back. Christ, intense much? He has always been like this, you know, just a little full-on, like eccentric even?

I mean, there's eccentric and then there's that. They're manic, Greg. It's weird. It's real weird. You're just over-analyzing things, Linda. I told you he was just a weird guy. He always has been. Every holiday he'd come in early, earlier than me even, and decorate the office.

That's not normal. But he's harmless. Just open your eyes and think for a second, you don't. What reason do they have to be so. smug unless they know. What? You know what I'm talking about. What if they know what we did?

Now you're just being paranoid, Linda. How could they possibly know? We took every precaution. Hell, it might not have even happened yet. They don't know. You don't know that. Look, I'm not saying it's a certainty. I'm just saying that something isn't right.

There's a reason they're so cheerful after you shafted them. I didn't shaft them. I told you it was inevitability given the economics. Just think about it. If you find out what we're done, we're so scroof. Just maybe cut out all the salt stuff blabbing. Will you hop off my dick? Please, I swear, you're the only person here choosing to be goddamn heartbeat for Halloween.

Kiss my ass, you dangling oversized inflamed hemorrhoid. I swear to God! And we're back. Dinner's ready. It was a real labor of love to show you just how much we appreciate you. I'm sure you'll be starving by now. I am a little peckish now that you mention it. I think we might all just be getting a little tense,

and we're hungry. Right, Greg? Yeah, yeah, right. Great, great. Come, join us in the dining room. I'm sure the wine has whetted everyone's appetite. Wow, the dining room is spectacular. This is crazy.

Is this all new? Yeah, it's a pretty recent fitting. Like we said, we wanted to make it perfect for the special occasions, and it doesn't get more special than this. That's right. Well, if you say something, out. Please, please, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Of course. Thank you. There we are. Nice and cozy. I'll start plating up the meal.

Say, all these renovations, Donald. Did you come into some money recently? No. Greg, same as always here. You planning on coming into some money? Greg, behave. We're adults, Linda. Can't we discuss this like men? If there are any issues between us, it's better they come out now, isn't it? Maybe we should wait until after dinner. Speaking of, here you go. Bonapeteetit. Thank you, Melissa. We really appreciate your hard work.

Oh, don't thank me yet. Dig in. And then thank me. Okay. Greg? Sure thing, honey. I suppose we won't be stopping to say grace. Yeah, I kind of figured that. So Donald. Yes, Greg. You're sure you don't harbor any well, we'll say, animosity about the firing?

No, none at all, Greg. Like I told you, it was a kind of a come-to-chesus moment for me. You know how it is. You spend a couple of decades in one job, and, well, you get locked into a routine. Getting fired, well, it freed me up to pursue a whole new direction. I can say for a fact that since losing my job, I've done things. I never even would have imagined doing before. It's marvelous. Yeah, yeah, sure. Would any of this new knowledge you've come into

happen to involve anything we've done? We? Linda and I. Greg, you're making a fool of yourself. He drank too much. You know how he gets, when he drank. What? It was you who said they might know, and now I'm the asshole for actually trying to do something about it.

Yes, you are the asshole. You're always the asshole. Everything okay. Yes, Melissa. Everything's just, it's so fine. It's fine and dandy. enjoying this delicious roast. I'm very glad to hear that. Oh, whatever.

Oh, you okay there, Greg? Yeah, I'm fine. Just kind of a stomach egg. Me too, now that you mention it. I hope the meat's not bad, doll. Oh, the meat's fine, Mel. Farm to table. Doesn't get any more reliable than that. Well, I think it's delicious. Mel, don't even worry about it. It upsets me that you don't think I'm being

sincere, Greg? What gave you that impression? Don't play dumb with me, Donny boy. I'm not a fucking rube. You don't get to run a company like me by being a rube. Nobody suggested that, Greg. Just calm down and keep eating. Yeah, that's enough out of you, too. You think you pull the wool over my eyes? Ha, ha, ha.

I know exactly what your game is. Jesus Christ, Greg, you're making a bigger deal out of this all the time that it... Sorry. Christ. Everyone calm down. Maybe... Get some water. We're all getting a little out of sorts now.

Right. What do you think we've done, Greg? I mean, really, what are you accusing us of? Maybe, haven't we lost enough already from that mentality? Fuck you, you weird little prick. You've seen my dirty laundry. And now you're going to try to squeeze money out of us for it, right? Right?

That's what your stupid little plan is. I don't know what you're talking about. Neither of us do, Greg. Exactly. That's why maybe it's time for us to. Everybody thinks they can have a piece. All of you, you're just looking for a moment of vulnerability. One little fucking weakness. And when they've found blood in the water, you take advantage.

You take fucking advantage. Like Bill? Exactly like fucking Bill. Greg, no. You're just going to say something that you'll regret. Fuck off, Linda. They know they already know. In which case, you might land us in deeper shit, so shut your trap. for once and just enjoy dinner. Are you enjoying your meal, Linda?

Jesus Christ, Melissa. Yes, it's fantastic. I'm glad. I'm really, really glad. I mean, it makes sense that you'd enjoy it. You made it yourself. And another thing. What? Well, you freed us, Greg.

All we wanted to do was return the favor. Wait, I don't understand. When did you last speak to Bill, Linda? just after lunch, right? Any idea where he went after that? A Halloween party. He was going to a Halloween party. Ever get any confirmation that he made it there?

No? Well, he could be anywhere now, couldn't he? Absolutely anywhere. It's a very special meal. Very, very special. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is a joke. This has to be a joke.

Does it look like a joke? Let me put it more simply for you, just so you don't misinterpret it. We happened to run into your bill in your home earlier today. We told him we wanted to help you out, but Bill being Bill, he wasn't all that receptive. We had to take drastic action. He may not have been all that cooperative in life, but believe me, afterwards, Well, the meats came off the bone like hot butter. Bon Appetit.

Am I missing something here? Oh, Donald. Oh, there's been a huge misunderstanding. We thought you were going to blackmail us. So you killed Bill? God, what an insane coincidence. This is amazing. Blackmail you?

Blackmail you? Isn't this worse? We poisoned Bill's lunch early. today. Like I told you, he was a pain in our ass. Huge pain. We figured this dinner would make a good alibi for when he died at the party, but we all just, we ate him instead.

This is hilarious. Oh, this is... Oh, oh. Actually, I suppose that that is pretty funny. It explains why the meat tastes weird, at least. Because we poisoned Bill, and now thanks to you, he poisoned all of us. God, you couldn't make this shit up. Like, what a night?

Oh, bravo. I have one request. One request from Kate Siegel. Yes, Kate. Can I ask Mike to say, get off my dick again? Okay, get your cameras, ready? Hi, you've reached Mike. Get off my dick.

Oh, fantastic. Thank you, you three. You are wonderful. Thank you. I'd like to note that I counted a high honor to die on stage next to my fictional wife, Samantha Sloyen. So delightful. Now, as promised, it's time for a return visit to Goat Valley Campground.

It was a thrill to have most of the original cast with us, along with author Bonnie Quinn in the audience for this one. So let's return to those vaunted and haunted campgrounds not far from the Stanley Hotel. Well, well, well, it's been a fun night, and we do have a story to do for you. I dare I say, in our final tale, we are returning to a very special campground. When this event was being birthed, call back, call back to Mick. You're welcome.

I thought we need to do something really special for an event of this magnitude. And so knowing what a hit, the series that we did on the podcast was, I reached out to the great Bonnie Quinn to write another chapter of Goat Valley Campgrounds. and we are not just thrilled to be able to do this tonight, but Bonnie is here with us this weekend.

I know you're all going to be thrilled to be able to meet with her. So we are thrilled to have all these great writers with us. And marvelous, marvelous. So yes, Bonnie is here, and as I mentioned, we are thrilled to be able to return to the campgrounds. And so with pretty much the original cast. Now, Nicole, if I recall considering the first series that we did, those 10 episodes, you played K.

Kate's mother. Yes, I did. And she was dead. Yes. My family does not last very long. Right. So we couldn't give you the role of her mother, and so you're playing a new character this time. Yes, I am.

All right. Well, that's exciting. So we have a new Nicole Doolin character for you. But we're going back to the campground. So I dare say you need to brace yourself for this one. And so join us, will you please? Grab your tents, grab your backpacks, and all that fun. stuff as we return to Goat Valley Campgrounds.

Welcome to Goat Valley Campgrounds. I'm Kate, the manager. These few hundred acres of field and forest have been in my family for generations. Nowadays, we use the land for primitive camping. Primitive means there's no plumbing. Anyway, it's a peaceful and secluded place, perfect for a quiet vacation. Assuming the local wildlife doesn't... drop by for a snack. I'm Sheriff Sabota,

and I'm the person responsible for cleaning up any unfortunate deaths that happen on the land. You know, on account of the inhuman entities that have made the campgrounds their home? That's what the pamphlets for. How to survive your camping experience with helpful tips like,

don't buy ice from the children with no wagon. And, oh, my favorite, don't follow the lights. Always a classic. The campground is something of a necessary evil, you see. These things are out there, and there's nothing any of us can do about it other than hide in our homes and wait for the daylight. At least, with the campground, they're contained and

can't prey on the local townsfolk. We've got quite the collection of creatures that have been here for, well, as long as my family can remember, though sometimes we do get something new. Yeah, there are omens when something new comes to town, signs and portents, the rest of the the world might dismiss them as a quirk of nature, easily explainable, but we've learned to recognize them and pay heed to what they're telling us. Such as a storm that comes in the night, one with winds that shake the windows and rattle the doors, as if something is trying to get in. It woke all of us up, just a feeling of dread as we lay in our beds, listening to the crack of tree branches outside and the crash of patio furniture, tumbling across the yard. There was no

lightning or rain. I think it would have been better if there had been. Or at least then we could have believed it was nothing more than the storm. Instead, there was only the wind, howling with an intensity that set our hearts to racing and made our blood run cold with quiet fear. Something new had come to Goat Valley. In the morning, I made a loop through the campground on my four-wheeler. The damage was minimal. There were the usual down-tree limbs, but None of the trees themselves have come down. At least none of the trees within eye shot of the road. I wasn't certain how bad the storm had hit in the deep woods,

and I wasn't going to find out just yet. Not until I had a better idea of what I was dealing with. Sometimes a storm is just a storm, but it's better to know for certain before straying off the path. Hey, Kate, I think you should come take a look at the main gate. The gate? What's wrong with the gate? It's best if you see it for yourself. I feel this is your way of saying I'm going to be deeply unhappy about something.

Oh, are you in the deep woods? The radio. It's cutting out. What's happening to the... Fine. With no other option, I turned around and drove across the entire campsite until I reached the front gate. Only the land that borders the road is fenced. If someone wants to sneak onto the campground through the back, carrying all their gear through the deep woods that's infested with monsters and poison ivy, fine.

Their camp fee isn't worth the expense of building more fence. But the fencing I do have is sturdy chain link, 10 feet tall. We have three rolling gates to permit cars entry to the campground. I'm usually one of Kate's the first of her staff

to arrive with the morning shift. And it's not that I want to be. The dogs wake me up early. It's hard to ignore a pack of black hounds the size of Shetland ponies jumping on your bed, you know? I had them loaded up in the back of the pickup truck when Kate drove up

and they watched with their ears perked and their tongues hanging out. It was a relief to see them relaxed. Whatever had come through wasn't currently in the vicinity. It had, however, left behind signs of its passing. The gate had been torn clear of the rest of the fence and now lay in a crumpled heap of metal

a full three yards from the entrance. That's something. Can't wait to see how fixing this is going to impact my budget. It's like something hit it and just kept going. Yeah, something big. And now that something is loose on my land. Just what I needed. Uh, is this a bad time?

I'm here for my first day. I went to your office, but you weren't there, and then I saw everyone standing by the gate. Yeah, Janine. Hi, uh, well, thanks for being on time, but, uh, this is not a great day to start. Should I start tomorrow? Oh, no, no, you'll need to learn to deal with this stuff at some point. I'll just have to have someone other than me show you around, I guess. Hey, I hate to make things worse for you, but isn't that the sheriff's car coming down the road?

Yes, it is. Time to act like I'm cheerful and pretend that nothing is wrong. What brings you out here? I certainly didn't call, and I'm pretty sure I've told my staff to make sure you are the last person on their list that they think to ask for help. Did you see the windstorm that came through last night? I can't say that I did. I slept right through it. But I've been surveying the damage all morning.

Unless you're here to pick up broken branches, I'd say your presence isn't needed on the campground. Cut the crap, Kate. That windstorm wasn't natural, and everyone knows it. I came out here to make sure none of your campers were injured, and instead, I find this? The gate torn off its frame, like it was nothing more than a used Kleenex.

Okay, fine. I was just wanting to deal with this on my own, like I always do, but if you insist on meddling, I guess I can't stop you. Damn straight you can't. Brian, can you check in on the campers for me while the sheriff and I look around? I want everyone presently camping here accounted for. Take the roster from my office with you.

Oh, oh, and take Janine. You can give her a tour of the campgrounds in the process. She knew? I haven't seen her before. Hi, first day. Doesn't seem safe to send her out there right now? She'll be with me, and I've got plenty of experience. It's pretty safe up top, too. Not many creatures leave the deep woods.

I'll keep in touch over the radio, though, in case I find something out there that you need to know about. Excuse me, but who is that coming up from the woods? Are they carrying a skull? Oh, no. This day just keeps getting better and better. There's my other favorite person to encounter. I could do without the snide remarks. I can't.

I guess one of us should go see what he wants. Sheriff, please stay back and let me handle this. These creatures demand respect, and for some reason, I just can't find it in me to be polite when you're in the vicinity. The man with the skull cap, one of the fixture creatures on my campground. His appearance changes based on who he's talking to, but his personality remains the same. Bland, humorless, and with a touch of condescension just below the surface.

Not that you could do anything about it if you were offended, by the way he slightly looks down on everyone human. Those that break his twisted rules of hospitality are never seen again. Yeah, there's been a handful of bodies come through that I suspect are his work, not that we can confirm it. Either way, best to just go along with what he requests.

A drink from the skull cup he carries. Doesn't seem so bad, does it? Well, it's not that much to ask for, assuming you don't plan on eating or drinking for the next 24 hours without puking your guts up. Considering how many campers we see with heat stroke and dehydration,

he's a menace. And he's been dogging my steps lately for some reason. Good morning to you on this auspicious day. So, did you see something come through here by chance? See? No.

Felt its presence. Of course. It was impossible to miss. I'm surprised you slept through it honestly. Okay. First off, I'm human and don't have a supernatural radar in the back of my head like you do. And secondly, I've been sleeping through a little girl sobbing outside my bedroom window for decades now. It's made me a heavy sleeper. And third, you know, it's a little creepy that you know I slept through it. Not going to lie. So you know what it is? I thought I told you to stay back. Ah, the sheriff. How delightful to see you gracing the campground with your. You

your presence. But to answer your question, no, I don't know what it is, but I'm keen on finding out. That worries me. You of all things should know what we're dealing with. And yet I don't. Well, do you at least know which way it went? I do. And? I can tell. This is going to be a lovely time with both of you. Uh, sheriff, are you up to a walk on foot through the woods? I'm sure our friend would be gracious enough to lead the way,

considering he's as curious as we are. I'll take you to where I lost its trail. Well, that's a start. I'll take it. Uh, let me go give instructions to everyone, and we'll start out. Janine, first lesson of the day, that's the man with the skull cup. Stay away from him. If he does manage to corner you, be polite and do whatever he asks. Ah, someone new.

I look forward to seeing you out in the woods, newcomer. Um, hi. Okay, so here's the plan. Brian and Janine stay together and take care of checking on the campers. Brian, leave the dogs behind. They scare the campers. If anything else comes up and I can't be contacted, Brian is in charge.

And what will you be doing? I'll be following our local cup-carrying friend here into the deep woods after whatever took out that gate. Is that safe? to trust him, that is? Oh, no. No, no, no. None of this is safe. But if something tore through my gate to get inside, then I've got a responsibility to find out what it is

and how much of a threat it poses to my ramp ground and all those campers, which I might remind you is how I pay your salary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love your priorities as always. All right, let's go. Care to back out, Sheriff? Not a chance. It was easy to see the route the creature had taken into the woods. At least it was at first.

The trail of wreckage pointed the way. We followed the man with the skull cup down a roughly carved trail, strewn with broken limbs and uprooted saplings. The carpet of dead and decaying leaves was overturned, revealing damp earth and the pale shoots of plants struggling to reach the sunlight. Yeah, then the trail began to break up. There were patches where there was nothing disturbed for yards at a time. Then the destruction would start.

up again. This is... What's happening here? I have a theory. Care to share it with us mortals? Not particularly. Is he always this difficult? Oh goodness, no. Much of the time, he's much worse.

There's no further trail from here. I do know the general direction it went, however. We follow it down the hill. And into the deep woods. It's where all the monsters end up, Surely.

And all we do is tell people not to go down these three roads? Four roads. There's four roads leading into the deep woods. Okay, but will people actually listen to us? Well, no, but it'll discourage some of them. And the ones that do go on a stroll will probably think twice about leaving the road. There's some safety in staying on the road. What if somebody has already gone down there?

Well, I guess we could make a sweep to make sure of that, but we need to finish making the rounds up here. here first. That spilled beer bottle looks fresh. Oh, no. I guess it's too optimistic to assume that it was left there by someone taking a late night stroll. With that storm rolling in, then we should probably go down there and make sure there's no bodies laying crushed underneath a tree trunk. My neighbors across the street got their garage caved in last night by a falling tree. Oh, you have a point. I'll radio Kate and let her know there's been a change in plans. Hey, uh, Kate, we're going into the deep woods. We think a camper is already down there. Either went down this morning, it needs to be retrieved, or went down last night,

and we need to make sure they're okay to make it out before the storm hit. Okay. Still on track. Stay away from Section... N. Kate. Kate. Shit.

Did she say to stay out of Section N? Hang on. I brought a campground map with me. That's the entirety of the Deep Woods. And the radio cut out before I got the section number. Well, Kate can be stealthy in the woods, but she's with Sheriff Sabota this time, so we'll probably hear them arguing before we get close. Did you read the handbook about going into the deep woods when there's something out there?

Don't go alone. Stay on the road. Trust your instincts. Keep track of which way to run. Good. Now let's go. I try to keep my campers out of the deep woods, except on the big events, when the sheer mass of humanity overwhelms anything unnatural. There are reasons that the old stories hide away all the magic and monsters in the forest, that people go into them and never return. The forest was never our domain to begin with. We're visitors at best, trespassers to some creatures, and if we're very unlucky, pray.

Hey, is it normal for your radio to cut out like that? No, we must be getting close to something unnatural. Take your hand off your gun, sheriff. It's not going to help you here. Hey, I've seen Kate take a shotgun down here plenty of times. It's only useful against a slim handful of creatures. Better to rely on charms, rituals, and sheer luck. Or best not to go at all. Offering us a choice to turn back?

No, thank you. We made our decision back at the gate. Very well, then. Follow me. I'm familiar with the deep woods on account of having grown up here. To me, it's just another part of the campground. more dangerous than the others, of course, but I'm accustomed to that as well. Because of my familiarity, I can tell the warning signs when something is wrong.

Why are we stopping? Don't you feel it? The air feels off somehow. I'm not noticing it. Off? How? No condescension, Sheriff. I'm surprised. As much as I don't like Kate, she knows her way around these woods. If she says something is wrong, then I believe her. Colors are still here, so we're not in the gray world. Do you really not feel this sabota?

It's like, the air feels empty. Okay, take a deep breath. You should taste or feel something. There's tree pollen and decay and all sorts of things around us that get into the air. With this. It feels sterile. I was wondering how long it would take one of you to notice. This place is displeased with my presence.

I am far more of an intruder here than the two of you are. Why did it change? Are we close to the entity? No. We still have further to go. Let's see. There's no way back and that tree. It's an archway.

What tree? The one we passed under like five minutes ago. Do you spend any time in the woods or do you just stay cooped up in your office all day? for ways to annoy me. That tree was felled by the windstorm. It's not a coincidence that the storm brought it down in such a way that it formed an arch and that it lies in the trail of the creature. I'm not sure what you're saying.

We're not on the campground anymore. We passed through a gateway and are now in the campground, but also not in the campground. We're in the creature's layer. Did you do this on purpose? Lead you through a gateway. Of course. I cannot pass through it on my own.

It takes a human's presence to force the transition. Thank you for your help. It was most kind of you. Wait, wait, wait. Is this multiverses? Why does everything have to be multiverses? Brian. Brian, are you there?

I guess that was just wishful thinking. Well, it's only the three of us. We're on her own. So how do we get back to the real campground? Already? I suppose you can go back alone, Sheriff, if you dare. Judging by the look on Kate's face, she's not going to give up until she knows what's in here

and whether it's a threat to her land. I like to have my escape routes figured out in advance. Let's try to make sure we don't need one. Want some advice? We're in its territory, and a beast is most dangerous when caused. Ornard, don't make yourself look like a threat. You're the only one of us that needs to worry about that.

The sheriff and I are human. And humans, well, we're not at the top of the food chain out here. We're at the bottom. Did you hear something? Yeah, it was my stomach growling. Seriously? Did you not eat breakfast or something? I did.

I'm just hungry for some reason. I have some cheese crackers, but they're in my locker. Well, that doesn't help me much. Well, I shouldn't have brought it up because now I'm hungry. Like, really hungry. I actually don't feel so good. Well, maybe we should head back. No, I'll be fine. I can tough it out.

No, no, no, no, it's not that. Remember, the handbook says to trust your instincts. Something feels off. We can head back up and see if the hunger goes away. What about the camper? Well, we don't actually know if it's anyone down here. It's plausible. but it's certainly not worth risking ourselves over.

I guess you're right. Hold on. Sorry, I know I just said we were leaving, but what's that? Over there. The handbook says to stay on the road. Yeah, well, I've been working here long enough to break the rules. Should I stay here? That's up to you. I'm coming. It's too creepy to be down here alone.

But what is it you're looking for? Well, those trees up ahead? They're a different shade than they up. What happened? The bark is all stripped off. Did the storm do this? I don't think the storm could have stripped it this precisely. Look, it's only this ring of trees here that have been touched.

Everything else all around us is intact. And also the bark is only stripped up to a certain point. Taller than me, do you think that's ten feet up? At least. And everything above that is untouched? Oh, we're going to lose these trees. This is too much damage for them to survive. But you know what this reminds me of?

We see this in the winter sometimes. If there's too many deer in the area, they'll strip the bark of the trees when they start to starve. What kind of deer can reach over ten feet? Something that isn't actually a deer. Okay, now we really should go. I think we're too close to whatever Kate is hunting. Wait, over there.

Another beer bottle. Same label as the one in the ditch. Is it okay if we just go a bit further? I really think someone is down here, and I know we're supposed to be careful, but aren't we also supposed to help keep the campers safe? Well, generally we clean up whatever's left behind. We don't actually have many opportunities to save people on the campgrounds.

Maybe it'll be different this time. Well, I haven't heard either a gunshot or Kate bitching at Sabota yet, so I think it's still okay, but be ready to run if I say so. Come on. Breaking the rules again, I see. Well, if Kate can do it, so can we. I was lucky that we weren't in the campground any longer. The forest's desolation grew the further we walked.

It started with just one or two trees. But soon every tree we found was stripped of bark up to a point far above our heads. The lower branches were broken off, splintered and discarded to the forest floor. All vegetation had been torn from the ground, stem, fruit and all. There only remained overturned leaves and pitted earth to mark where the underbrush had once been. Is it leaving rot in its wake? No, this isn't decay. The forest floor looks normal except here, look at this. The leaves provide cover for all sorts of insects normally, but this patch was flipped over recently and there's not even a single worm. It's stripping the forest bear. It's not even

scraps behind. This would cost so much to take care of if it isn't contained in this wherever we are. Always thinking of the bottom line. It's kind of my job. We get some inexperienced campers out here, and it's important to make sure a tree isn't going to fall on their tents in the middle of the night.

Removing dead trees costs money. I appreciate the effort you put into stewardship. Well, glad someone does. I need people to share a drink with But given time The Deep Woods will suffer from this damage We're still in the campground after all I thought you said we weren't in the campground anymore

Yes, that is also true It's best if you don't think about it too hard The important takeaway here is that if this creature stays here too long The trees are going to start dying Among other effects There are also many creatures that are dependent on a thriving ecosystem, myself included.

Is it taking all that is living... It is taking all that is living into itself. Do you feel it yet? Nawing at you from within? No, I don't actually. What is it we should be feeling? Hunger. Hey, hey, look.

Look, there's a body up ahead. Shit. It's not human. Hard to tell, since all that's left are the bones. Are you showing? No, it's an animal. I see four legs. Oh, hell. If it's a horse, I am leaving right now. Too small for a horse.

Shall I go get a closer look, since both of you are content to while away your brief mortal lives debating? Yeah, that'd be great, actually. And we'll wait back here where it's safe. You know, I had my doubts about bringing him along, but I have to admit, I like the strategy of sending the inhuman thing in first. Right? If something drops on his back while he's investigating, well... It's a deer. Now are you going to come join me or not?

Bones have been disturbed. Something scavenge this corpse. Any bite marks? Maybe it was a raccoon or coyote. I don't know. I'm actually not very knowledgeable about what it looks like when an animal has been at a body. And humans are pretty obvious on account of the severed limbs and shattered bones and all. They make a spectacle out of feeding. Some of us are refined. Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, my staff have to clean up the bathrooms after you've poisoned someone.

I wouldn't call that refined. Kate, Kate, over there. Oh. There was a depression in the earth, a concave patch of soil where the leaves had collected thickly enough to form a cushion. Sunk amongst the debris were countless bones and scattered remnants of so many bodies flung about haphazardly from the frenzied scavenging of our quarry. Deer skull?

Deer skull. Three more deer skulls over here. I think they're all deer. Well, that's kind of a relief, I guess. Still, what wipes out an entire herd of deer like this? Hey, Scully McSullface, you got any ideas? I'll assume you're referring to me. Seeing as I'm the only one here without a name,

and yes, I have some ideas. Likely you know as well, but are too afraid to admit it to yourself. I'm interested in hearing them, Kate. Well, okay. It doesn't look like these things died violently. The bones were likely scavenged after death, so we're looking at natural causes, like disease. Except it's weird that they died in one spot.

Uh, lightning strike? The bark was stripped off the nearby trees, not blasted off. There's a visible difference, trust me. Hey, is any of this... close to correct? And he's ignoring me. Whatever. Enough speculating. Let's just keep moving. Hang on. I need to catch my breath. I'm really starting to feel bad. Yeah. Same here. Just a minute, though. We shouldn't stay in one spot for very long. It'll be

too hard to start moving again. I just feel weak. Like I've been walking for days. You were right, though. There is someone down here. We can't turn back until we find them. Is it selfish of me to say I wish I hadn't found the rest of the beer bottles? One or two empty bottles could just be someone littering, but when someone drops the rest of the case and leaves the full bottles strewn about on the ground, that's a pretty clear sign that something has gone wrong. If I hadn't spotted that back there, we could have called off the search and gone up out of the deep woods.

Am I a bad person to think that? No, no, no, no. I've seen Kate cursing out a dead body for failing to follow rule number six. It wears on you after a while. You can't help but think if this person had just done this or done that, they wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't be here having to deal with it. Do you resent them?

Only the ones who we have to cart away for dehydration. How hard is it to drink water? Come on, let's keep going. Okay, I think I'm good now. And I think you're right about not staying in one spot for too long. I don't want to end up like one of the campers that Kate curses about. Oh, I feel like I just want to lay down and not get back up. At least the trail is easy to follow.

Looks like he was just blundering through the underbrush at this point. But Janine? Yeah? I know you're new, so I just want you to be prepared here. There's a very good chance we're not going to find this person alive. I kind of guessed as much. Okay. Just as long as it's not a shock.

It was clear at this point that our person, path was intersecting the path of the entity Kate was in pursuit of. We saw a regular patches of destruction scattered here and there with no regular pattern to them. Each section of forest with broken branches was perfectly circular, a yard or two in diameter. They were roughly clustered together and the campers trail cut through them like a line drawn on a graph. I feel like these patches are growing closer together. Yeah, I think so too. And they're leveling out. Look, these two are almost in line with each other. We're getting close to whatever cause this, aren't we?

Yeah, I'm concerned we are. But we haven't come across Kate or the sheriff. What if it got them? But wouldn't the man with the skull cup be around, though, even if something happened to Kate? I mean, in humans don't kill each other, right? They don't normally kill each other. And that assumes the man with the skull cup would even bother to help us,

which I don't think he would. Listen, if it comes to it, we run. No heroics, okay? Okay. I had a bad feeling that we were getting close to the object of our pursuit. Janine was reaching the limits of her endurance, and even I, accustomed to hiking through the woods, was feeling the effects of the exhaustion.

It was, as if we'd been walking for days weak from hunger and thirst, even though we'd barely been out here an hour. Our average camper, who was here for an overnight trip, likely would have fared far worse under these conditions. And then we saw him, not far ahead. A crumpled pile of clothing. A bright red jacket blazing starkly against the ashen trees. Stop!

Don't go any further. What? Oh. He's in the middle of another one of those pockets of damaged trees. This one is bigger than the rest. Yeah, and that concerns me. I feel like something really bad will happen if we get too far into it. If it's okay, I'd like to see his face.

Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea, Janine. Sometimes it's better if you don't know who they were. Please. It just feels like we should be able to ID him. Okay. Just keep an eye on the edge of the circle and don't cross the perimeter. He looked like he died quietly. There was that much to take for comfort. He lay in the exact middle of the circle, curled in on himself. His shriveled hands clutching the edges of his jacket, holding it tight against his body. His knees were drawn up to his midsection, and his eyes were peacefully closed,

like he'd simply laid down and gone to sleep and never gotten up. His clothing hung loosely on him, as if he'd shrunk inside of it, and the skin of his face seemed to sag off his bones, like a badly fitting glove. He looks... Like he starved to death. The chatter among the humans had died. off. Even they could sense that we were growing close to our quarry, and despite their animosity, they knew better than to bicker this close to something so dangerous. I'd felt its presence

some time ago, but now the feel of it was almost overwhelming. We are creatures of impulse and instinct, but this creature was almost nothing but the essence of his desire, refused the forest, an insistent, intrusive force that clawed its way into my very bones. The humans felt it as an intense unease, but I, it threatened to overwhelm the essence of what I was and turn me into an extension of itself. Don't come any closer to me. I don't like the way you're looking at us. It was dangerous of me to come this far with you

But take your hand off your gun sheriff I can contain myself for a bit longer Besides The noise will alert our prey Will guns even work on you? I'm not about to tell you that Okay fine Maybe you should stay here and we'll go on ahead

No I will see this intruder with my own eyes Okay But you walk in front of of him, Sabota. Sheriff, if he does anything weird, shoot him in the back. Gladly. We didn't have far to go.

Despite the danger of alerting our target that we were here, I was almost hoping that the man with the skull cup would do something more hostile than staring at us with undisguised hunger in his eyes. Kate might think he's relatively harmless, so long as people play

along with his little game, but I have my doubts. They're monsters, all of them. But this particular inhuman doesn't lie, and he walked stoically forward until the trees grew sparse and stopped abruptly, before dropping into a crouch behind a wreck of fallen tree trunks, as we all did. Ahead of us was the creature. It would have been a pitiable sight if it weren't so big. It stood nearly ten feet tall at the shoulder. The deer at first look with twisting asymmetrical antlers that had the consistency of worm-eaten wood.

Its body was emaciated, carved in by starvation that had gone on long enough that it was eating away at its own body, breaking down muscle in a desperate attempt to find enough nutrients to keep the organs going. It stretched its trembling neck up and vainly tried to strip the bark from the trees desperate for food.

Not that it could eat. With its lips sewn shut like that, Its face was flat, a human's face. The gender ambiguous and the feature so generic they could be mistaken for anyone in a crowd. It stared at the tree's leaves with hollow plaintive eyes, longing for what it could never have. What is that thing?

Something that should never have existed in the first place. It's a mistake. Something spat out of the back of human subconscious without form or reason, the dregs of your collective fears. And it looks like it's hungry. That's an understatement. Deer will eat anything when they starve in the winter. Branches, bark, the bodies of their dead brethren.

The most ancient of human fears. Starvation. Well, can we try making it go away by feeding it? You've got your cup, right? I am not sharing a drink with that thing. Okay. Well, then, can I borrow your knife instead? I have an idea.

I wouldn't recommend attacking it. This creature may be half-formed notion, barely clinging to corporeal flesh, but it still outmasses you by a significant margin. Oh, gee, wow, I didn't notice that. Thank you so much for pointing out how outclassed I am here. I am not going to attack it. I'm going to appease it.

Hey, can we send the inhuman out there to do that? Even if I could, I wouldn't. It is not my role to take. And besides, this thing is trespassing in my campground. It's my campground. Hey, if she gets killed, you can get us out of here, right? She better not get killed. I'd have to rely on you to finish the task then.

Well, you're going to be out of luck then, because I'm not doing it. We in humans cannot change ourselves. That is a privileged reserved. for humanity, for the creatures that dreamed us into existence. Perhaps that thought brought a measure of restraint to the creature's overwhelming hunger as the human approached it. Mortal hands here to remedy its condition. The sheriff thinks in black and white. These creatures are monsters and therefore they must be killed.

He hasn't learned how futile it is. The family graveyard is filled with distant relatives that once tried to do just that. often the only way to survive these things is to swallow your fear and do some small inoculous thing. Something that your instincts scream at you will only get you killed, something that takes every scrap of courage to keep moving forward. A small symbolic action to undo what has been done. The deer turned towards me as I approached, watching me with hollow, hungry eyes. I could feel the desperation on it.

It drew me in like the ocean tide pulling me into the embrace of the sea. It felt like it was tugging at the meat in my body, teasing it from my bones. And I knew if I hesitated for even a moment, I would be devoured just as the trees and plants and deer were. Eternally starving. Eternally consuming. Hey there. Hey, it's okay. There we go.

Oh, just going to cut these stitches, okay? Just going to, hey, hey, just going to make it so you can eat. So you won't starve anymore. It stood there, staring down at Kate after the last stitch was cut. I allowed myself a brief moment of hope. Perhaps that was all there was to it. Perhaps it was just waiting for someone to come along and release it from its torment. Or perhaps he was only waiting for an opportunity to feed on something richer.

than the flesh of mere animals. Deer will eat meat if given the opportunity. Nature is an efficient beast. Leaves nothing to waste. And while the blunt teeth and its withered head were not suited for ripping meat from bone, it could shatter those bones with its sheer bulk and take all its time,

chewing of its incapacitated breath. Desperation makes monsters of us all. I thought we were helping it. We probably should have thought about our backup plan in case this didn't work. Run! Running is always the best! I heard something. Yeah, I hear it too. I think it's coming from over there.

Is this when we start running? Hold on a minute. Do you see that tree? It's fallen over and formed an arch. That's usually not a good thing. Uh, I think the noise is coming from it. I think it is too. Weakened by starvation and lurched through the woods behind.

us crashing from tree to tree. The trunk shuddered and the branches clattered as its massive bulbs slammed into them each time. I hope that that would be the blow that felt it, that its spindly legs trembling with hunger would finally collapse and it'd be still and pursue us no more. But I could feel its insatiable hunger, only growing stronger, more desperate, and the strength of its need alone drove it forward. We ran, for that was all we could. could do. Just ahead of us was the arch. The man with the skull cup could not pass through it without us, but he knew unerringly where it was. So he led us through the woods, running just ahead of us. His cup cradled close to his chest with both hands, so it would not spill. It seemed effortless

for him, inhuman as he was, but I caught glimpses of his face, drawn tight with strain. The beast would consume me, just as it would. would consume the humans. Perhaps it would not eat of my flesh, but its hunger would devour everything I was and leave nothing but a hollow shell behind, undone and hunting through its dying domain desperate for sustenance. Get out of the way, Kate! Forget the guns, Sheriff! Do something about the arch! Cage! Kate! Panic spurred them to cooperate. Such is the nature of the herd. They cluster together because numbers are the

only advantage afforded to them. Human hands stretched to grab a hold of a tree, feet slipped on the soft earth as they struggled for purchase, and before them came the beast, its blackened tongue lolling out of its mouth,

its sunken eyes fixed on its next meal, the only sound in its withered ears, the beating of human hearts. It was done. There was nothing beyond the remains of the archway, but empty. empty open forest.

I thought you two were checking up on campers up top. We were! But Janine found signs someone had blundered down here. They, uh, didn't make it. The body is a bit further in. We think he's died of starve to death. Oh, seriously? That's going to be hard to explain to the family.

I'll hide the body somewhere and we can discover it in a week when it's more plausible. How about that? I hate it. Great! Brian, can you and Janine get a four-wheeler and hander relocating it somewhere remote? Maybe near the far edge of the forest? Yeah, sure. And then Janine and I are going to take the rest of the day off and maybe go get an early lunch in town? Yeah, lunch and dinner at the same time. And what are you going to do about that deer? Just leave it there?

I think we have to. I'm not sure how we're going to get back in there to kill it if killing it is even possible. No need. Keep it from finding prey and it won't survive the winter. Of course. That's when hunger thins the deer population. That's the time it's meant to die. Ah, so we only need to outlast it through the winter. It's stuck in whatever multiverse thing that was, right? He can't get into the campground again? Doubtful. There are, of course, thin places as we saw with the arch. Places where your precious campers could perhaps, fall into its domain. You've already lost one. You may lose others.

I guess I should add a handout to this year's pamphlet. Notify the campers of a new rule for a little while. How should I phrase it? Stay away from large deer. No, wait, I already do that one. Just don't bother with the rule. Just give everyone half off coupons

for the camp food stand, and they'll turn around on their own when they grow unnaturally hungry. But my margins. How about you do that? And you get your staff out here to clear out every fallen tree in the whole damn forest. I guess that's possible, too. I mean...

Yeah, you could before you get your weekend influx even. But the overtime! Get rid of the archways, Kate. Okay, fine. I'll do my part as well to frighten people away. I have no desire for that thing to become a permanent resident. Oh, are you leaving now? Well, thanks for your help, I guess.

I don't know, would it be too much to ask for help locating the rest of the arches? It would. I must see to my own well-being that creature's desires were overwhelming, even for something such as I, especially for something such as I. Unless you would volunteer yourselves? No. Then I shall go find someone to rid me of this wretched hunger. Are you going to leave a body behind?

That entirely depends upon the person I ask to share a drink with, doesn't it? Rule number 12. If you're approached by a stranger offering you a drink from a cup made out of a human skull, except it will taste foul and you won't be able to eat without vomiting for the next 24 hours, but this is so much better than what they will do if you refuse. I can only hope whoever he found listened. We didn't find a body, so I assume they did. but then again

I've never found any corpse that I could tell was of his making Well Looks like we've all got our work to do I'll come back this evening with the dogs Maybe they can sniff out any more archways Yeah thank you and sheriff Get off my campground

Happy to oblige We pulled down every tree that could be an arch Or perhaps someday fall and create a new archway We cut down the trees that have been stripped of bar so that they would never die over the next few days and topple when we were unaware of it. Then we waited and hoped our precautions were enough to contain the beast. They weren't, of course. There are always ways to slip through to the other places, sometimes entirely as we did, or sometimes only a little, just a slight enough glimpse,

like viewing something far away through a fog, enough to give a statured. enough to give a starving beast the scent of fresh meat to draw it close in desperation where it would only watch and want. But by winter, I could no longer sense the deer's faint presence. Either it had finally died as Kate was wanting, or it had moved on to better hunting grounds. We've grown accustomed to being safe in our world,

and we've forgotten how to listen to the world around. us, but the vestigial remains of those instincts persist, whispering warnings to us when the darkness closes in. There are many deep woods on the planet. If you should find yourself in them and there's a feeling of being watched, of being scrutinized by an intelligence that is not quite human, heed it well. It could very well mean that whether in this dimension or another, something starving is close at hand. hoping for a way to survive the winter. Lindsay Russo, Mick Wingers, Nicole Doolin, and Mr. Kyle Akers,

and Brandon Boone. Thank you for joining us, sleepless listener. Join us next week for our season 19 finale. Until then, stay sleepless. The sleepless tales have dispersed this night. poetic works from darkness alight. We leave you with this a question on a theme. Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

The No Sleep podcast is presented by Creative Reason Media. The musical score was composed by Brandon Boone. Our production team is Phil Mikulski, Jeff Clement, and Jesse Cornett. Our creative content manager is Olly White. Our editor-in-chief is Jessica McAvoy. Please visit the nosleeppodcast.com for show notes and more details about the people who bring you this show. On behalf of everyone at the No Sleep Podcast, we thank you for being a supportive season past member and for joining us within the exquisite horror of our reality.

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