The Pat McAfee Show - PMS 2.0 167 - The Machine, Bert Kreischer, Stops By For A Hilarious Conversation.. Plus Some Beautiful Weekend Chatter

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

On today’s show, Pat and the boys recap the Tyson Fury v. Deontae Wilder fight and how they were duped all week about how Fury had no chance. Pat explains how he’s now a huge Tyson Fury fan and doesn’t know how he wasn’t before this fight. Later, The Machine, Bert Kreischer joins Pat and the guys live in studio for over an hour of hilarity. They cover Bert’s new tour and Netflix Special that are going on right now, he lets people know what Joe Rogan is really like, talks with Pat more about his bet with Bill Burr that he could kick at least a 30 yard field goal in an NFL type of environment, chats about the Mickey Mantle gene, and gives his take on the XFL and gives a couple of ways he thinks they could improve the product. Plus Pat and Bert do an ad read for the ages. It’s a helluva good time. (14:34-1:10:18 ) Today’s show is a fun one, come and laugh with us. Cheers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It is Tuesday, February 25th, 2020, and today's show is a heater. Bert Kreischer, the machine stops by. Have a full conversation with him about life, and I believe the hilarity ensues. Talk about Tyson Fury and Deontay Wilder. I learned a lot about boxing this past weekend. All of it surrounding me losing a bunch of money on deontay wilder but i think you'll enjoy my boxing take we talk a little bit of this a little bit of that and i think today's a day where you're gonna think you know what good fucking show hey good fucking show our presenting

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You should get it and check it out now right to the show. Let's dive right into it. I had no idea that Tyson Fury was that good at boxing. Okay? I was lied to. I want to at boxing okay i was lied to i want to let everybody know i was lied to now whenever i say that i'm not a big boxing follower i think everybody knows that right not a big boxing follower haven't been a big boxing follower until this past weekend by the way all i saw and all i seen on TV last week leading up to this massive fight

was Deontay Wilder knocking Tyson Fury on his back a couple times. Then I saw Deontay Wilder talking. Then I heard rumors that there was a thought that the Gypsy King might retire. And all I could think of, and Deontay Wilder was the favorite on the book, I'm like, wow, he's an American man fighting against a Brit. He's got a lot to fight for he's not even thinking about retiring he knocked him down last time everybody's saying he's got the heaviest hands he has the highest knockout percentage in the history of boxing I'm

like oh this is a lock for Deonte Wilder then I watched that fight boy that the big gypo, the Gypsy King, Tyson Fury, that guy is entertaining to watch. He made me a boxing fan in seven rounds of boxing. Now, I knew that my very hefty, very high wager on Deontay Wilder was as good as gone about a minute and a half into the fight. I knew that he had no shot. And at that point, I had to pivot my emotions from being upset about what i lost to just you know what let's try to enjoy this thing now it didn't start until like 11 30 at night i watched some of the undercard as well there was like a seven foot tall guy fighting it lightweight that guy i don't know how he's ever gonna lose he he might just win forever

but then when it finally got to the fight the theatrics of the entrance everybody loved tyson fury's entrance in my eyes i thought it was a little slow thought it was a little slow a lot of people saw the highlights they saw the picture they might not have came in too late I was watching it live it was a little long the song was not a song I would choose but hey I'm not walking into a ring to fight somebody so whatever you want to do you got to do now Deontay Wilder comes out incredible incredible costume. Talk about black magic, black excellence. I'm like, okay, here we go.

This is my guy. He's fighting. He's ready to go. Okay? And then they showed the preview. They were in the locker room. Tyson Fury was dancing and having the time of his life, licking his hand, smacking the booty, humping things. Deontay Wilder was pacing.

I'm like, this guy, Tyson Fury, doesn't give a single damn about this fight. Does not care at all. Then you hear Tyson Fury talk, and he said, me dad said this is going to be the easiest fight to be life. And I'm like, oh my god, the whole family doesn't care. And then as soon as he got in there, the amount of pressure that he put on Deontay Wilder, not only just coming straight at him, but also laying on him at every single opportunity he had. His quick twitch, he had this twitch about him. He was faster than Deontay Wilder. He was more technically sound than Deontay Wilder. He had a better plan than Deontay Wilder. He was bigger than Deontay Wilder, and he seemed to throw a better punch than Deontay Wilder in every single facet of fighting. Tyson Fury just embarrassed Deontay Wilder.

Now, Deontay Wilder is an absolute beast of a man. He's an animal, right? Anybody that's willing to get in there and fight is obviously admirable. But boy, I, alongside many other people, thought that... Now, this is untrained. I even sent out a tweet. I was like, do the people that know boxing knew that this was going to happen? Teddy Atlas last week on ESPN

thought that Deontay Wilder was going to get a win. He trained Tyson. That guy was involved. He thought, I don't think anybody, now a lot of people are like, well, I knew it was going to happen. And they show me their tweets of them betting like the plus 420 or whatever it was

for Tyson Fury to knock out. But man, I loved watching the big gypo, Show me their tweets of them betting like the plus 420 or whatever it was for Tyson Fury to knock out. But, man, I loved watching the big gypo, the big Gypsy King Tyson Fury fight. I'm almost mad that I missed his first 20-some fights. I had a blast watching that. And, boy, I had a hole in my eardrum for a long time. Me and Deontay Wilder understand how terrible that has to be. But that was a dominant fight from Jump Street by Tysonyson fury and he his corner said uh time to go home that's that's literally what they said to him

before the seventh round they're like time to go home and he was like oh okay that means now's the time to end this thing and it was over i mean that was awesome to watch good for boxing not great for my bank account but i love the big jippo, Tyson Fury. I fell into the physical look of him. Like the one thing you can't do. Exactly. It's like he shows up. He's big.

He's sloppy. And it's like, oh, Deontay Wilder's cut up. And then they said he came in 40 pounds heavier. I was like, all right, well, he's just going to wear him out. That worked to his game plan perfectly. He just wore down Wilder. They probably realistically should have thrown in the towel and stopped that fight earlier.

They talked to Deontay Wilder before the fight, and he weighed like 231 or something like that. They're like, this is the heaviest you've ever been. He was like, I don't really care about my weight. Whatever my body is, my body is. And Tyson Fury's camp was like, no, we put weight on on purpose. Every single part of it was planned out for Tyson Fury when Deontay Wilder didn't feel that way well Thursday when we were watching the press conference

Fury said exactly what he was going to do he said bullies don't like being bullied and he bullied him from the very beginning right at him just absolutely went right at him and the the human that I'm happy I got introduced to this entire thing is Tyson Fury's dad okay Tyson Fury I said this in the earlier Tyson Fury's dad told Tyson Fury I said this in the earlier Tyson Fury's dad told Tyson Fury before the first Deontay Wilder fight that he should be scared right he was like you should be scared it's gonna be a very hard fight then before this fight Tyson Fury says that his dad he told me this is gonna be the easiest fight whatever right then his dad obviously everybody's talking about what's next nobody wants Deontay Wilder to do the rematch clause that was set in for the next 30 days nobody wants him to do that because they think he should

have to rebuild back up that was an embarrassing loss for deontay wilder they think uh emotionally and and mentally this might be very difficult right because he's the bomber he's the bronze bomb squad and everything like that and he got bombed on everybody's hoping he'll be back i hope he'll be back everybody's thinking his next fight's gonna be Anthony Joshua this is what Tyson Fury's dad said about a potential fight between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua you know like the aliens are like years in front of us in brain power that's how my son is in front of Joshua and ability do you understand me now what I'm saying do I get the picture across? He can't do it. He's got slow feet, he's got a few flat stands, he goes like that, one-two left up, chin stuck in the air. You see him, he's blown out of his arse, and he gets a bit of pressure put on him.

Tyson will do more than pressurise him, mate. He'll be crying after four rounds, tears will be rolling out of his eyes like Mara Fat Peas. But he can't do any good. He'll be swinging like that, oh, where's he gone? Pop, pop, bang! On the floor. End of. Give me them belts back or you're stolen. You bum. And that's it. Will we see this fight next year, in your opinion? No, I don't think he will because he's too frightened. He'll

retire before he faces Tyson Fury. The Gypsy King will retire him without even fighting him. And I've said it first. He'll retire him without even fighting him. Because he hasn't got nothing've said it first. He'll retire him without even fighting him. Because he hasn't got nothing to beat him with. He don't need money. He's a trillionaire. He don't need it. So why would you mucky your legacy

by letting a big gypo spark you right out? End of. To answer all them questions. That's what it is. The gypo will spark him out because he's got no tip back with. I mean, he sounds Irish. It sounds like a leprechaun speaking wherever he's speaking. I guess this guy is like a fortune teller for boxing

because everything he's said, everybody's been spot on. That Anthony Joshua, he's the guy that got knocked out by Ruiz. Yep. And now he won a fight against Ruiz in Saudi Arabia or whatever. I mean, I want to watch Tyson Fury box next week. I'm going to go back and watch all of his old fights. I am very intrigued by this guy. And I'm very happy I finally got introduced to him here at the year 32 of my life.

Well, it's nice because he also has his flair when he boxes too, which you loved. He's got a personality in the ring while he's fighting. He's a big jippo. Imagine if you were that big, 6'7 or whatever. 6'9, 273 pounds it knew that you could just knock out anybody that you wanted to knock out that's like whenever matreon was hanging out around here and matrons from indiana and he's a former ufc fighter former bellator fighter but he's like six foot six 280 pounds and he's trained in mixed martial arts and he's good at it he walks into a bar like what's the bouncer gonna do like what if you want him to leave what he'll leave whenever he wants like

that's exactly what Tyson Fury is like there's nobody that can tell that man anything and I guess that's what the Gypsy King means is in the Irish traveling gypsy family the Gypsy King is the best fighter of the group and he is taught or he's the one who has to go fight other people I guess his uncle was the Gypsy King his grandfather was gypsy king so this title was a massive title and they just got this guy tyson fury who's bigger stronger faster and a better fighter than everybody else what an animal of a man i am very disappointed i had no idea who he was before this i also didn't realize that for some reason i thought he was like 37 or he's 31 like he's still like in the prime of his career so i have a feeling we're gonna be seeing him a lot more over the next

couple years still got four years five years of me if I want that guy is awesome dude I'm a Tyson Fury massive Tyson Fury fan he just the whole thing he was just like moving the entire time he was just laying his big ass body all over Deontay Walker the blood well see I don't think he ever touched the blood I think he did the blood. See, I don't think he ever touched the blood. I think he did the Shakira tongue flip. I don't think he touched any of the blood. Still awesome, by the way. Still awesome in the middle of the fight. You have enough clear.

And you told me that he puts his hands behind his back sometimes. Very different game plan this time. He was going straight at it. In the first fight, he had his hands behind his back a lot. Yeah, I love this guy. 273 pounds, 6'9", can do whatever the hell he wants, and has a great... By the way, he can sing good, too. Oh, yeah.

Sang the entire song of American Pie. It's like a 45-minute song. I absolutely love it. Welcome back to the Pat McAfee Show. This is why I'm dangerous. Welcome back to the Pat McAfee Show. We are being joined by a man who has a comedy special on Netflix, a man that you've seen because he drank with a Russian mob while robbing his peers.

One of the most legendary humans to ever exist. Van Wilder was literally created off of him. The machine, Bert Kreischer. I'm going back to Russia for the first time. Really? Yeah, going back. I'm doing a tour. We're doing a tour all through Asia.

Maybe you can't find that. I was going to say. We're doing a tour all through Asia. Or maybe you can't find that. Take some Coronas with you, bro. Take some Coronas. Have you been, so for those that don't know, it's only got like 70 million views, I think, or something like that. So people have to, it's been picked up as a movie, I believe.

Yeah, yeah, we're doing it as a movie right now. And it was really crazy because we were talking to the writer and the producer and they were trying to like pitch me story ideas but they were tied to like real life things that had happened one of the things that had happened they were talking about strip clubs and i was like we run through this real quick you went on a trip to russia oh i uh in 1995 with my class got involved with the russian mafia uh and then robbed a train with them. It's so funny I say it.

I have no connection to it. I say it like when the story went viral, the story went viral like four years ago, changed my career. This is why it went viral. This is the most interesting part of this whole story that you're about to hear. When I posted it, one of the girls in my class

had just got online on Facebook, saw it, and was like, oh, I'm going to comment real quick. And wrote in the comment section, this story is 100% true. Legitimized it.

I was in Bert's Russian class. He robbed us. And then tagged everyone in my class. You can't pay for marketing like that. You can't get marketing like that. So then it goes viral. It's got like, I don't know. I can tell you how many views I got on my pages,

but what happens is content providers, like the Fat Jewish or whatever, they take it and put it, and they get 180 million views. That's the game changer, those guys. So it gets bought as a movie. We're sitting in a pitch talking about story ideas for the movie and they're like oh yeah maybe the machine can

go to a strip club and i was like that's so funny there's a true story i went to a strip club when we were with the mafia and uh russian mafia yeah and they were like uh we walk in and they go, do you want full touch or no touch? I'm like, who gets no touch? I'll go full touch, guys. I'll go full touch. And then we get in the room. She goes, take your pants off. And I was like, huh, what?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I want no touch. I want no touch. I want no touch. So wait, this is 1995. And I lived in Tallahassee. I grew up in Florida my whole life. So the girl goes to give me a lap dance.

And she smells horrific. I mean horrific. And I'm like, I can stomach through this one. I'm getting a new chick for the next one. Get a new lap dance. Next chick smells identical. I mean, so bad. So bad that I'm like, ugh, what is wrong with these women?

Cut to like 20 years later, I'm on a second date with my wife, and we walk into an Indian restaurant, and I go, this smells like Russian horse. They had just had Indian food, and I had never had Indian food. Curry. It was curry. It was curry.

I guess they had all had curry that night, but curry is so bad in a lap dance. You're just not having a cool year's. Oh, this is what Russian vaginas look like. Not even a thought that it was curry food. So is that going to make the movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy, I hope so.

It was so funny. It was crazy because they were telling me story ideas. And I lived it. But you tell it so much, it doesn't even register as real yeah it's like when people character yeah it's like when people talk to you about uh professional football it's a part of your life that you're like oh yeah yeah yeah you take so many pictures go oh thank you thank you that when they talk about it you're like oh yeah like another thing we robbed myself because my bags with my class so we robbed me and we stole my dad had given me a very sentimental pocket knife.

And he was like, buddy, you'll need this when you're traveling through Europe and cutting a baguette and opening a bottle of wine. And the mob stole it. Just stole a pocket knife. And I was like, maybe we shouldn't steal that. Some of these kids have sentimental reasons about what they got, right?

By the way, the way you described that was we stole from me. Yeah. Dude, it was crazy how we robbed people because what we'd do is they'd open the door up a little bit. How long was this? What do you mean? Like the rob, it was a couple hours, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was all night.

It was all night. My class was really quick, so we were just one train train car but there were like nine train cars so we robbed everyone have you ever robbed anything since then was it just a one night no no no i haven't i haven't done anything i'm not here's the crazy thing is i'm kind of a big rule follower really i'm not that's intriguing you do stand-up shirtless uh it's interesting you said i'm i don't subscribe to the rules like meaning they don't apply to me but i feel like rules should apply to i'm very specific about rules like like when people fly up in the turn lane and then try to get over the left that really aggravates me don't do it really aggravates me

i almost killed somebody this morning oh i won't even let my Uber driver do it. I'm like, please, man. I'm cool with waiting. But yeah, I'm horrible about rules like I flew with marijuana. You checked it or you walked? I just put it in my bag. Yeah, that's what some people I fly with on a regular basis do. I flew with marijuana to Bali. That's not smart. That is death penalty?

Locked up abroad. That's locked up abroad. That's locked up abroad. I got there and I said to my wife, I'm opening up my cigars route. Beautiful, beautiful in the middle of the jungle. I'm opening up my cigars. I go, oh, my God. I brought like four joints with me.

I didn't even know. My wife's like, oh. Here I am lighting up a joint going, I'm going to puff this. This is great. This is like win-win. My wife's like, it's punishable by death. So I had to grind it into the grass oh so you're on the birdie boy world tour birdie boy world tour two shows in indianapolis

evansville and then louisville on saturday you did the body shots world tour i saw you drinking with like every city i think in this entire earth maybe at one point now you're back on tour again you're a real grinder like i don't think i've like following you has been a lot of fun to watch because you're like a grinder grinder i love it dude i mean like you know this is for anyone who's a comic listening you know that you work your whole life to get to this one place so if you get the opportunity you're going to go hard like if you get the opportunity to sell i mean i can't even tell you how many tickets i'm sold tonight but like i'm going you're in a go hard. If you get the opportunity to sell, I can't even tell you how many tickets I'm sold tonight. You're in a big theater tonight.

Big theater. This tour is more like 2,500 seats. Two shows tonight. When I was here last time, one of the best nights of my life. One of the best nights of my life. There was the NFC playoffs. It was snowing.

There was a big snowstorm that night. The bus pulled in early. We sat and watched the game. Went and did two shows. Chick McGee from Bob and Tom came out. We sent everyone to a bar. I must have taken 500 pictures. I'm a honeypot for disease.

Anyone is getting the coronavirus, it's me. It's going to be me. Especially if you're going on tour in Asia. How do you do stand-up comedy for people that don't speak your language? Oh, I just do their accent to them. You appropriate the culture right to their face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just very inappropriately just go, oh, no. So you have a special on Netflix right now. Yeah, I got one. I got two.

Secret Time and The Machine are both on Netflix. I just saw a Netflix series that has not aired yet called The Cabin. Congrats. Thank you. And if you get triggered

by anything, we definitely check your box. Oh, you go in, huh? The first episode was with Joey Diaz and Tom Segura. Oh. And Segura called me

in the middle of the night, in the middle of the night, and he was like, hey, man, we can't put that stuff on bro i mean it was aggressive well hold on you hang out at the comedy store we got like five minutes so i think we can get this answer yeah the comedy store as somebody who has never been there but just watches on the internet seems like this legendary place it is it really does from afar it does and i think from i think it actually is like rogan you burr segura you name it dalia everybody hangs out at this comic

chapelle i think even hangs out there before chapelle and burr released these last two specials right that were very aggressive they were awesome they were absolutely awesome but i feel like there was a conversation amongst you comics at the Comedy Store It was like hey Somebody's got to go out there and flip the script on his politically correct stuff and I feel like Burr and Chappelle were like We'll do it But we need a lot of money and Netflix is like well Here's 60 million to do it and they go out there and have they kind of changed the game for you guys I will say that Dave Chappelle

Jumped on a sword for everyone. Yeah, meaning that special was so out of the box when he said i'm what you call a victim blamer yeah that's like that's like number what's like saying hey guys i'm a little racist that was a game changer but by the way dave chappelle is one of the best to ever do it ever uh burr is oblivious to the fact that he's even offending you. He didn't even tell the joke that was so aggressive. It was like, I'll tell you all fair, he has a joke in there

that was one of my favorite jokes about not supporting the military that I'm like, he's still got it in his quiver. He's still got it in his quiver. But Burr is brilliant. When you hang out with Burr, we went to an XFL game together.

The way his brain works, it's so quickly. One day we were driving down the street and we saw a van, an old school conversion van. And I said, man, whatever happened to those vans? They're so cool. Burr doesn't even miss a beat. He goes, branding issue, Burr. Branding issue. I said, what?

And he goes, hey, you raped a couple kids in a van. Now no one can drive a van. You know? Same thing happened with rollerblades. They were cool for the first summer they were out. Then couple gay guys wear them now you can't wear a rollerblade his brain is so quick it's like it's it's a it's a i have a podcast with him yeah and bill burke by the way you two we gave you a couple shout outs way too nice to me no that was a big moment for me you should have seen me listening to that because i got a couple tweets from people that

were like and you sent me it. You were like, hey, I don't know if this podcast is ever going to come out. Oh, yeah, that's right. But Bill and I talked about you. I don't know if it's ever going to come out, but Bill and I talked about you. You're going to like it is all you said. And I was like trying to play it cool.

I was like, oh, thanks, man. Like, that's very nice of you guys. And that was like three weeks before it actually came out. So I was like, oh, Bert, they just didn't put it out or whatever. They got so much content. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I wake up to a bunch of tweets and people are like you should have heard what Burt and Bill just said about you so we listened to it after the show I don't think I

felt that way ever in my entire I appreciate how nice you guys when I told him I could kick a field goal and I told you I could kick a field goal he lost it he lost it like there's moments I've said things where like I remember one time when I was a kid I tell him bill this I was praying in church I was 10 years old we just done communion and my and I got up and sat in the pew and my dad said hey buddy what'd you pray to God for and I said I just thanked him and he's like for what I said all these God-given talents and my dad said like looked like confused he was what God-given talents I go I, I don't know, name one. I got a ton. Like I really, that's the way my brain operates.

Yeah, yeah. And Burr is not that guy. He's like, you know, work hard to pay your dues. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you told me that you could probably, for six months of training or something, or three months of training. I stand by this.

You'd kick in the NFL. By the way, I think I could be. You said it to me with a straight face. I think it's about explosivity. No. Do you have any of that in your body? I gave a speech to my daughter in the car yesterday about explosivity. It's real, though. It's real.

It is. And I think you went through Mickey Mantle, Gene. That's why Mickey Mantle came. I ran a marathon with no training. Come on. All right. What you just heard there was a man talking. I'm about to open a beer.

Are we going to come back here? Yeah, well, we got a break in a minute and 15 seconds. So I don't know how we're going to close it. But Bert Kreischer lives by this Mickey Mantle Gene. Mickey Mantle Gene is real. It's a guy who can go hard all night, show up in the morning, and play ball. Babe Ruth had it. Mickey Mantle had it.

And then there's guys that you know like- Burt Kreischer. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. Dude, definitely. I guarantee you I could throw up 225 right now. We got it over there.

We got it in the building. I know what we're doing after break. Burt, you're one of the most special individuals ever exists honestly I've the fact that the van wilder movies yeah we're basically based off of your life yeah now the machine a Russian Mafia train robbery video is off of your life. I always say, I always say like, and that's not the most interesting things about me. You should see,

by the way, you should see my What Will the Maid Think? Brilliant. Honestly, I wanted to do, I wanted to do a series where I showed you

all the reasons you should love me. Like what makes me amazing because I have so many things I've done where I go, hey, wait, shut up. That happened too?

By the way, thank God for those given talents of yours By the way, thank God for those given talents of yours. Dear God, thank you for all the God-given talents. I remember saying that. Jimmy Giles was at that... How about four seconds?

Can you get it in? Jimmy Giles was there. A little smoky in here. I believe there are some vitamins found. Atnik Bernaldo is here. Tone Diggs is here. Ty Schmidt is here. Tone Diggs is here. Ty Schmidt is here. Jason McAfee is here.

Cuban Zeed is here with a nice cigar from Iowa. Oh, wow. Hey, Cuban Zeed, legendary character. I love it. Yeah, oh, yeah. When you guys meet off air out there, you guys are going to fall in love with each other. Dude, it's about your eulogy.

Like, when you look at a guy like this, people are going to say great things about you at your funeral. It's your roots. Yeah, I want to plan my funeral properly so I have the right person crying at the right time. Who's going to close my funeral? That's the question.

Who's going to be the last person to speak? And that voice you just heard is Burt Kreischer. Oh yeah, sorry. The last person that's going to speak at his funeral is potentially a good friend of his and world-renowned genius and billionaire i think at this point the man who once hosted fear factor now owns the world basically joe rogan good friend of yours what is he like joe's gonna open my funeral i would like him to speak first because then we got everyone's attention you can't yeah

joe's gonna open it i want tom sker to close it because he's when a fat guy cries it's so emotional it's like it's like that scene from deliverance like when you're like wow this is real um joe's joe's an amazing guy he's he's super generous so like i was saying this to you off air you got to be careful with what you say around him because if you say something like yeah I was looking at smokers the other day. The next day there's a smoker at your house. Oh, yeah. Like I,

that's cool. It's cool. But you just go, I, you're on, I'm, I have a hard time asking for things. So when,

when he, and you don't even have to ask with him, he'll just be, let me, let me, I have a guy Traeger. Let me hook you up. I have a guy green mountain grills.

Let me hook you up. Um, I was, I was running on treadmills. I was saying I could run a seven minute mile. Uh, and Joe's like, that's not real running. That's not real running. Next day. There's a, the, Let me hook you up. I was running on treadmills. I was saying I could run a seven-minute mile. And Joe's like, that's not real running. That's not real running.

Next day, there's the air assault fitness trainer at my house. It's like a $5,000 treadmill. And you're just like, no note, no nothing. It's just at your house. By the way, he feels good doing that, I bet. You know what I mean? There's probably not a lot of things that make him feel good at this point. But you know how many people... There are people that are oblivious to it and ask him for everything. And I always am very careful that I don't ever want to be that guy.

I mean, people do my podcast just to meet Joe. They go, they do my podcast at the end. They're like, hey, man, can you get me on Rogan? And you're like, oh, no, I can't. By the way, if you don't want me to put this entire conversation, we just head out because I can't get you on Rogan. I'm so sorry I disappointed you. And you're like, you know, and there are people that are good friends of mine

that are like, hey, man, please hook me up with Rogan. It'll change my career. And you're like, that's not how it works. If he likes you, he likes you, and he finds you, and he's interested in you, he'll have you on his podcast. Other than that, you just got to play. I mean, just hang out. Just be a regular human. So when I started playing for the Colts, right?

Yeah. All my friends wanted autographs from Peyton Manning. Oh, yeah. So I had to start forging Peyton Manning's signature. You might hear right now, or you might see right now somewhere on eBay and it's a McAfee Manning signature because I got tired of asking him. Like, he and I almost, we became friends for a little bit there, right signature because I got tired of asking him.

Like he and I almost, we became friends for a little bit there, right? He wanted me to drink around him. He wanted me to have like, we became like friendly and it got to the point where I was like, it's weird asking a friend for an autograph for another friend at like a very regular rate. So I literally just,

I didn't want to disappoint these people either. I'm like, I haven't changed. I'm like, you know, just because I'm hanging out with him, it doesn't mean I've changed. So I'm just going to go ahead and forge this signature it's close let the real people know it's fake it's an awkward situation though whenever you're dealing with one of the most famous people on earth which rogan is peyton manning is those it's very interesting

because you get a chance to see them live you get to see them work but then everything else that comes with it people don't know about and it's hard to compartmentalize advice they give you because they've done everything on such a big level that when he pulls you aside it's like hey man that joke sucks you go oh i guess it's out as opposed to you'd fight for it if it was just an average friend but you know you look at joe like i had a joke about i had a joke about me and my wife bought a house uh we got it an alert came through redfin by the way this joke's gonna bomb no no we'll put it over

everybody ready everybody put your best fake laughing faces on here we go I'll put it over an alert came up on Redfin my wife then texted our agent the agent that's not yet

I'll give you some eyes you'll know by the way I know when to put my own joke over you'll know when it comes so she sent it to the agent our agent sent it to the other agent the other agent just texted the buyer the buyer said they want to put in an offer we put an offer we didn't even didn't even go on the market we're sitting at this house the other day and i said to my wife i go this is amazing she goes we got this through technology like we would never have gotten

this house for one technology and then i looked at my wife and i was like i wonder what kind of wife i would have gotten had i used technology and because i mean i met her old school you just had a picture and you were like you're like you had to like wait five dates until you were like oh she has fat ankles and so way to save that and so yeah you like that yeah and so rogan just goes i don't like that joke i'm like what do you mean he because it sounds like you're not in love with your wife and i was like no i am and he goes yeah you are so don't make it like you're not like be real to who you are like and then you're like well it's just a joke man like you're like man it's when especially i'm i have all new materials you're like man i'm trying everything right now i mean i ripped my shirt off man have you seen my ass that does separate you though by the way yeah you are and by the

way i don't think it's a character for you like i i think you it's florida man it's pro wrestling it's it's the hulk hogan randy macho man savage paul orndorff like that kind of vibe is florida take your shirt off i i so much of me is defined by Florida that I didn't even realize like I won't say no to cocaine often and that is Florida man and Atlanta by the way I just spoke to you guys I have two shows

tonight I don't say no to drugs because of Florida like even if I don't want to do them I just growing up in Florida I knew two dudes without tongues in Florida that's Florida. Tongueless Brett and... I saw a dude get struck by lightning. Dude, I mean, there's so much about me that's Florida that I just forget, and then you're like,

oh, yeah, that's right. Have you ever searched Florida man on Twitter? Oh, I know those dudes. I saw a guy last week, no tongue, you know? Tongueless Brett. those are those are real people by the way like i wish it was an act but yeah florida was like florida's aggressive growing up when'd you move to la how old were you oh i don't know i moved i graduated college when i was 25 and then i moved to new york took classes through the florida state prison system nice

smart yeah that's what they didn't have. The internet wasn't big back then. And so you had to take, they gave you a box of books and then a bunch of tests. And they were like, fill out the test, send them back. Oh my God. Dude, it was the- Can I get a prison doctorate? It was so hard. Do they still do it? It was hard?

It was so hard. Because the internet wasn't there. You couldn't just type in the question and then get the answer and cut and paste. You had to like read the book. I'd never read a book. I'd never. The first book I ever read was The Firm. That's how like I read The Firm

and I was like, I guess I'm a reader now. I've never read a book as well, by the way. Believe it or not. That's something I've never. I don't know how people have the time. I don't know. How do you have the time?

Well, they're boring. And by the way, just staring at a piece of paper? Better than the movie, though. I get it. Better than the movie. Dude, my problem, I read Memoirs of a Geisha.

This is an old joke, but this is true. Okay, here we go. I had never seen... When I read a book, I put the characters that I cast it in my head, but I didn't know a lot of Asian actors,

so I was like, I guess she'll be played by Mr. Miyagi. And her father will be played by Mr. Miyagi. No, I'm really bad with reading entirely, and I can't even listen, by the way, I can't even listen to audio books, because my mind just starts skating away,

and I'm in a totally different place thinking about ways to sell a tour like i that's my my brain is such a marketing brain it is ridiculous oh yes all the time we went to the xfl game i'm telling you this me and burr went to the xfl all i could do was sit and think of ways they could fix it do you think this is mickey mantel gene because i think i potentially have this as well hold on anything you see anything i'm a part of, right? I'm like, man, I feel like we should be doing this differently, this differently,

this differently. It's everything. It's almost like, it's annoying at one point because it's like, you can't really sit and enjoy something. You're like, ah, they should have done this instead.

It is very, very an interesting time to be in my brain. I do it even worse. If I see someone doing something wrong, I'll correct them. Oh, you can't do that. You can't do that. At a party, there's a woman cutting an avocado

and I don't know her. And I go, you're doing that wrong. And she went, excuse me? I said, you're cutting that avocado wrong. And she went, this is how I cut an avocado. And I said, yeah, and you're doing it wrong. And she was like, I don't know you. And I said, I'm sorry.

I go, initially, I thought you were my wife, and she goes, you talk to your wife like that? And I was like, yeah, and she listens. That's why you have good avocados. She was cutting an avocado

like she had never seen an avocado. Like, never. She was, didn't even take the seed out. She was cutting around the seed. Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, I gotta correct you, woman. Hey, by the way, just for, that was probably the problem. The way you just said that there I'm like, I got to correct you, woman. Hey, by the way, just real. That was probably the problem. The way you just said that there in that last part.

I got to correct you, woman. You kind of kept that out of your first time. A skirt. I don't know if I know how to cut an avocado. I was just about to say. You turn it on its side. You split it all the way. And then you hit the seed and pull it out with a knife.

Yeah. And then you slice, slice, slice, slice, slice. And you scoop it up. Spoon it. Cut it up with a spoon. Unless you work at Subway where they cut avocados like savages. Have you seen the way they cut avocados at Subway? I held out on Subway after the whole.

Jared. Yeah. Yeah, I had to get out of there. He was already forced down my throat, right? Like, hey, I get it. Easy forced down my throat. Seriously, sometimes I will sit there and like like in an epiphany like jared fogel's still in jail oh yeah like he really did that hey that was he's in indiana

he's an indian he's from indiana like uh he he obviously made a lot of money for being an obese man and losing weight yeah uh i think he ate sandwiches maybe once a day or something like that but whatever the story maybe once a week who knows like that. But whatever the story, maybe once a week. Who knows what it was. But he got a lot of money. He lived up here in Indiana. And a lot of my teammates, whenever there was helicopters circling his house, they were group texting in our group text, taking pictures and sending, like, something's going on over here.

And then all of a sudden, the news breaks. It's like, yeah, he lived right up here. I can't believe. Stuff like that. I can't believe that. Oh, that. Like, I can't believe. Oh, I saw him in a VIP section two times at clubs. No way. Whenever I was like a rookie in second year,

I'd be in like a back section of an Indiana nightclub on like a Tuesday night or something like that. So you know how that is probably. Indiana nightclub. It is lit, right? And they're like, you want a VIP section? I'm like, no. Like there's literally nobody.

The whole place is kind of feels like a VIP place right now. They're like, oh, well, in the back, a guy wants to meet you. I'm like, awesome. I go back nobody the whole place in the back a guy wants to meet you I'm like awesome I go back there it's subway guy Jared Fogle he's like got like bottle service back there he's like gambling on a bum let's get back to you yes how long does it take for you to put together a set like this birdie boy world tour you just toured last time it was in a different set from that one is it a whole new brand new set it takes me honestly i could i could up a new set immediately because even like towards the end of doing a tour you're so exhausted with that material that you're writing you're already writing so like i i was ready to do a new hour probably the second i got

done this hour i can't that's so I've done stand-up comedy. You did a special with never doing it and you wrote an hour right off the bat. So. 94 minutes. That's called the Mickey Mantle gene.

It wasn't great though. If you look back, I mean, it's good. It's not great. But if I had to tell it again, Yeah. Couldn't do it.

Like, that's the thing about me. That's why I have so much respect for the stand-up comedians of the world. And I've done stand-up comedy, but I'm not a stand-up comedian because i can't do it back to back to back does that make sense i it's like a celebration when i tell it all my energy is used and then it's like if i had to do it again like you're doing two shows and i can never do that

so what we do is we try to like if i told a story here that worked that is the best i'll ever tell it because it's in the it's in the moment what the the key to stand-up is finding that energy again and finding those beats. Yeah, how? And then sharing it. And it's just repetition, just telling it on stage enough times where you skinny it up.

For some reason, when you tell it in the moment, it's got the perfect amount of space in between it in the moment. Yeah. But then the second you tell it the second time, you start adding stuff. You're like, well, if you like that. There's more. Did I tell you what i was wearing and so that's the key is just finding those moments

again and and let and you know i have a story i have a great story about a raffle i i the raffle was like 40 bucks and i put in 360 and to win all the prizes and it's a true story and it's the first time i told it was so killer i mean i have a story about finding a kid that uh i found a child one time i told it the day i found that child i told that story to a group of people at fourth of july and it murdered so hard it's such a great great story and it murdered so hard that I literally pretended to go to the bathroom and went back to my daughter's room and started writing down beats. And then I came back. What are the beats? You're like, pause here.

The number one beat is when I found the child. I said, where's your mom? He said, I don't know. I said, what's her name? He goes, I don't know. And I'm like, big important beat. Big important beat. I said, is your dad here? And he goes important beat. I said, what's your dad?

Is your dad here? And he goes, yes. I said, what's your dad's name? He goes, David, maybe Michael. Big important beats, right? Big important beats. But I told it that first time, and it murdered so hard. I took it on stage, and it bombed like watching your parents have sex bombs.

Like, that uncomfortable. How do you handle bombing? you self-aware I've been a couple I've been to a couple shows around here And I got in I like I enjoy watching set of comedy I'll go watch some shows and I'll be in like the back there I don't even think people have a clue that I'm there right and there's like not a lot of people there and I watch shows I enjoy it But there's some people who just lack complete self-awareness like like I think there's some people that should Should acknowledge the fact that hey there is nobody enjoying what i'm saying i am punishing these people in these clubs every time i get up there and i feel like they

think they crushed yeah but that's the problem is is that you can't say that to them because i i the person i've seen bomb hardest in my life is tom segura tom segura bombed one hilarious individual he bombed this is back when he had hair and he used to comb it back and he bombed one time. Hilarious individual. He bombed, this is back when he had hair, and he used to comb it back, and he bombed so bad, he was doing 25 minutes, we were in Sacramento, that he started to sweat, and the comb of his hair started flattening hair, right?

So the sweat would drop a piece, and at one point, there was just one fin of hair down the center of his head, just one combed fin of hair that was sitting there, and as he'd move, it would wobble, and the audience was combed fin of hair that was sitting there and as he'd move it would wobble and the audience was watching this piece of hair wobble and all of a sudden he told a joke it didn't go well and the hair collapsed and everyone went oh and then tom got off stage he's like what happened how do you handle do you drink oh yeah no i don't drink on stage never no like

even today i'll probably go back take a nap and then get up work out i don't drink on stage. Never? No. Even today, I'll probably go back, take a nap, and then get up, work out. I take a drink with me on stage, but if I drink on stage, I'm a mess. How about anything? Do you smoke? No. Nothing. If I smoke pot, what happens is I think in paragraph form, but I speak in sentence form. So I'll go like, oh, never mind.

I had a moment in front of a crowd that was very hilarious we did a tour uh the first time I ever did four shows in a row four nights in a row and first night crushed did really well second night it was my first time ever having to tell the same stories again in front of people right literally first time ever never done it before so in the middle of the show people were laughing at stuff and I was the middle of the show people were laughing at stuff and i was getting sick of the stories though already because i just told it the night before by the third night i was like while i was telling the stories i'm like how are these people even laughing at this story this thing is not even funny but then by the fourth night it was

a celebration right it's the last one let's have a good time so i took an edible before the show which is probably like my sixth time on stage at this point seventh time on stage and it didn't hit and I was like I want to enjoy it so I take another one right that's a good call

I think that's what it says on the package if you don't feel this in 15 minutes double down so I go on I go on stage and start talking

it was great it's brilliant it's the edible 101 basically it's gonna hit so I go on stage I start talking for like was great. It's brilliant. It's the edible 101 basically. It's going to hit. So I go on stage. I start talking for like 10, 15 minutes going well. And then all of a sudden, I just feel this massive wave hit my brain. And I'm like, oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. And I have a bottle of wine on the stage. It's like an hourglass basically. So you watch that thing.

You'll know when it's about over because I'm going to take big swigs. I go back and start sipping out of that thing. And my friends are it's about over because I'm going to take big swigs. I go back and start sipping out of that thing. And my friends are sitting side stage. And I'm like, everything just hit me right now. Those people that were at that show had no idea that they were potentially a minute and a half from a lot of self-talk away from a full like, I can't do this. I got to get out of here. I had to have a full conversation with myself. I was like, oh, come on, dude.

You cannot do this right now. You're in the middle of an NFL career. You got a lot going on. And then I finally talked myself out of it. you're in the middle of an nfl career you got a lot going on and then finally talked myself out of it and i did the rest of the set right and i went a little bit deeper in some stories but i think it was an overall good time i went back and sat in like the uh the green room or whatever afterwards all by myself and i was like well i think we just learned uh we don't do the edibles before shows it was a wild move and i learned i thought all comedians

were up on stage like intoxicated. Oh no. That's not the case at all. I said to Burr one time I was drinking and I got on stage and it didn't go well

and I was like, God man, I feel like when I drink it, it never goes well. He goes, yeah, that's why they don't let you drive when you drink.

But afterwards you will. Oh, oh, God, yes. Yeah, I think you're the biggest partier with your fans i've ever seen i got i like to here's the deal is i try to do what i like as a fan i look at everything as a fan that's why i found you is i'm a fan i like being a fan of stuff i appreciate it means i'm a massive fan of yours dude when i when i when i see just the x xfl interview you

did with the guy yeah when you're on the sidelines and you just, it was such a great, you're so good at being in the moment and caring about the thing you ask, which I connect with immediately. Dude, watching you on Thursday nights with college football, I love that. I love that. But I love being a fan of stuff. There's certain people that got in the business. John Travolta, I don't think, is a fan of anything but himself. No, I'm not crapping on John Travolta, but that's just- being a fan of stuff there's certain people that got in the business john travolta i don't think is a fan of anything but himself no i'm not not crapping on john travolta

but like but like that's just what a random person but like yeah but like it's real stars like i don't think tom cruise is a fan a lot of stuff dude i'm a fan of a lot of stuff i had a kid come up to me one time as a new year's eve show we're in st uh west palm i'm shirtless i'm doing the meet and greet and this guy's wasted, right? Florida wasted. And he's like, dude, you gotta give me just five minutes. And I'm like, he goes, I'm a fan of yours.

And he knows that I've talked about being a fan of stuff. He goes, do you know what that means? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I know. And he goes, no, no, I don't think you do. He goes, I don't have anything going on in my life. So when you succeed, I feel like I succeeded because I chose you. And I went, that's how it works with NFL teams.

Like, look at the Packers. There's a lot of people that don't have a lot going on in their life. But when the Packers win, they feel like they won. And I went, oh, my God, that's totally true. Like, when I see you on Thursday football, I feel like I got on Thursday football. Oh, my man. Because I go, I picked him early. Like, I found him before anyone knew about it. Like, I feel like I got on Thursday football. Oh, my man. Because I go, I picked him early. I found him before anyone knew about it.

I'm a fan. That's the way a good fan, and I was like, oh, yeah, don't walk away from your fandom. And then if you're going to be an entertainer, don't ignore that. Don't immediately go, oh, no. Dave Attell is one.

I'm the biggest fan of Dave Attell. There's never been a comedian better. He's the best comedian in the world. All I wanted to do was have a beer with him when I started comedy. That's of David Tell. There's never been a comedian better. He's the best comedian in the world. All I wanted to do was have a beer with him when I started comedy. That's all I wanted. I wanted to have a beer with him and him to say like, hey man, maybe do a shot together. I know there's people out there that want to do that with me.

I want to make sure that I fulfill to them what Dave fulfilled to me one time where he goes, hey man, let's go get a drink. And I remember going like. I mean, David Tell, he just texted me, I mean, David tells you just texted me oddly enough, randomly. And I'm like, I'm like, my heart skipped a beat. I told him I'd fly him out for the St.

Patty's day show. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Secret time. We're doing a big St. Patty's day show. Yeah.

By the way, every time you get on a microphone, you just start. That's what secret time. Your special is about is about how you just really say things. You're not supposed to say whatever you're going to. Secret time was the best name to any special I've ever done. new special is called hey big boy that comes out saint patty's day that's why i'm throwing a party at the big lineup i'm not gonna say names but uh the uh see i stay secret time all the time

seek i said to bill at the game when we did XFL, I said, secret time, man. I've never been attracted to like, I said, I've always been attracted to older women. Like I've never, even when I was like 17, there was something not fully there with 17-year-old girls for me. Like I always wanted the Susan Sarandon

from Bull Durham, you know? Like I wanted to be me. This is at the XFL game? Yeah, Bill's like, what? Why are we talking about this? By the way, I can fix the XFL. Here we go. Here we go.

Let's get some pens and papers out here. Number one, they need to do a thing where they let corporations buy positions for the game. So they're like, all right, ladies from Kellogg's, it's Bill from accounting. He'll be the quarterback until the defense takes him out. And just watch this one dude live his dream. And just know that they'll light this dude up. He's still standing. Can't believe this.

It's third and long. I think it's going to be a pass play. Wow. But I think they should do that. All right. The number one flaw with the XFL is they're playing to win. Idiots. That's not why I'm there.

No. I came to watch you play. I didn't come to watch you win. I don't care about the wildcats. I don't care personally if the wildcats win. That doesn't affect my day, okay? I just met you guys. You're a side chick, all right?

I need you to show me some razzle dazzle. If you're a side chick, I don't want to watch a movie with you, right? No, I did that with my wife. I want to snort coke off your ass. I need the XFL to let me snort coke off their ass. That is my plan. I want every play to be Stanford-UCLA. Annexation of Puerto Rico.

Double forward pass. Let's make it triple forward pass. I need so many forward passes. I want it to look illegal and everyone to go, they can do that here? The whole game, we were just sitting there, and everyone behind us is going, score!

Yeah. And it's just, it's like. Hold on, I have a question. Have you ever told this story on stage before right here, this whole thing?

No, no. Have you ever sat in front of Joe Rogan? No. Well, so Joe Rogan's gonna say no to it, but I think the rest of the world will say yes to it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you just, if you're my wife, I don't want to watch a movie with you. If you're a side chicken, Joe Rogan's gonna be like, well, you don't want to do that.

But it crushed in here. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a great with you. If you're a side chick and Joe Rogan's going to be like, well, you don't want to do that. But it crushed in here. I think that's a great, that's probably my favorite XFL take I've heard. And you're not even in the football world. I think they should light a guy on fire. It should be the movie Semi-Bro. Yes. It really should be the movie Semi-Bro.

And get us to become fans of your league. I'll tell you, you want to know the real secret? Yeah, oh, secret time. Number one, they should change this crap of the Los Angeles Wildcats, call it the Southern California Wildcats, and only recruit from Pac-12 teams, right? So then you're going, oh, I want to use USC.

This is smart. This is my guy. I'm going to buy his jersey. This is really smart. There's a guy named Whitfield that plays for the Wildcats. And he went to Florida State. And I got up in the middle of the game. Of course, I was drunk and high.

But I was like, I'm going to go buy his jersey. I'm going to buy his jersey. Let alone, they don't sell jerseys at the XFL games. Really? I think they're one-offs. They make one jersey and then you wear it. I don't know if they make a ton of them. Hey, overhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a brand new league. It's a brand new league. Brand new league. Brand new league. But I was like, I'm going to buy his jersey. And then I stopped and I was like, oh, bro, I bet everyone, like, I wouldn't be shocked if everyone would be like, I watched that guy play all through college.

Now he's here. I'm going to buy his jersey. I love that guy. It's regional teams. It's smart, by the way that is very very smart that's something you already have a built-in fan base then because the player has already built in his own fans imagine if tim tebow after it didn't work in what's him a call it and he was back the truck up for tim tebow colin kaepernick those are the guys i want to see playing yeah absolutely put him against the florida hurricanes or whatever they're called whatever Tornadoes. Vipers.

Tampa Vipers. Tampa Vipers. Wow, they called them the Tampa Bay Vipers when Stripper was right there. If they called them the Tampa Bay Strippers and they barely wore clothes over their pads, I mean, I don't know why I'm not in the marketing.

This is your marketing brain, by the way. This is my marketing brain. Have we done a break yet? No. We got to go to a break. Do you think they're going to hear this and then just steal my ideas? Yeah, probably. By the way, I think it's what the NFL did with me. Really?

Well, yeah. I mean, I pitched basically the entire proposal that they're publicly pitching. What's that? Well, the 17 games. They didn't add an extra bye week, though. That's where they messed up. Players, I think, would have agreed to that. An extra 1.5% money, I guess.

I didn't pitch that. But the people do steal ideas whenever you talk. All right, Vince, you can have those. Hey, look at you looking up. By the way, for what he did with Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, and yourself as a child, you're giving Vince something back. Hey, yeah. Yeah, good for you.

Yeah. Hey, look at you. Hey! Wait till I tell you my idea off air? When's the last time you were driving through a storm and thought, wow, I love not being able to see a damn thing when I drive? Oh, that's why I have. The Michelin Endurance XD Silicone Wiper Blades.

These blades last through everything. To prove it, listen to this, Bert. Michelin just put their new Endurance XD Silicone Wiper Blades to the ultimate test on a world record-breaking 16 000 mile drive burt that's the birdie boy world tour yeah from alaska think about this burt alaska he drove from all the way from there to argentina think about that that guy behind you that guy right there burt that's him that's the guy right That guy behind you That guy right there Bert that's him

That's the guy Right Yeah Get out You're telling me That guy sat For 15 minutes You're telling me

That guy didn't get up And exercise And rest There he is For 15 minutes Somebody Don Kroc And then

Drew All the way I was just Going to hide In there Somebody dunked Kruk and then drove all the way. I was listening to how you did that. He took time off his bass fishing tournament. That poor guy. I'm so sorry, sir. Right here, Zylo.

Well, he drove. He drove and put these Michelin Endurance XT. This is how this read starts with him starting the car. He goes, these blades better work. All right, we got something. Let's go. Pouring a Mountain Dew into a 32-ounce growler. Hey, pass me those chocolate covered donuts. I'm so sorry, sir.

You're a joke. You're a pun sign. I'm not talking about you as this person. I need another cold beer. That weed was perfect. Anyways, Rainier Zeitloh, the man that we just spoke to, he took this car on a long drive. You hear me?

It was a long drive. And the wiper blades sustained all of it. Listen to this, Bert. It survived. The wiper blades survived ice, snow, rain, wind, and listen to this, thunder. Thunder. Really? Yeah, yeah to this, thunder. Thunder. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Feel the thunder. Thunder. These blades are crafted for extreme weather performance with an advanced quad tech four-layer coated silicone that repels water, snow, and ice. The Michelin Endurance XC silicone wiper blades are available today only at Walmart.

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you're not too drunk no one can hear it in your voice yet a little raspy but nobody can yeah there's not slurring or anything like that yeah yeah i wish i could feel like this all the time bottle it i don't know how we do it Well you do actually We know how we do it I know how we do it But it's just Yeah vitamins Big vitamin guy

Massive vitamin guy Not in Indiana obviously Because it's not It's not legal But like whenever we go to states It's legal Big time into that stuff I do love marijuana

Just the right amount I smoked half an ounce With Joey and Tom Joey Diaz and Tom Segura For the Netflix series we did. I had a cigar where he rolled two half-ounce joints. Tom and I smoked a misdemeanor's amount, but Joey took the heavy lifting.

He smoked it down. So how's it work in LA? You go do stand-up, you crush, you start blowing up, and then Netflix is like, hey, we want you to write this for us, we want you to do a stand-up special for us. Is that kind of what happened? And is this like what you always dreamed of?

This is what I always dreamed of, but that's not how it works. How it works is, I don't even know. It's just waiting. It's just waiting, I think, and hoping. I got to a place where I just stopped. I didn't feel like, it's when I met you, I didn't feel like anyone was giving me a chance, i was like i gotta make my own way and and i remember rogan by the way i i can't express enough how important joe and bill two of my really good friends and

tom even have been in my life joe told me get away from travel channel bill said the same thing get away from travel channel just do stand up so I did stand up and then I started diving What'd you do on Travel Channel? I had a show for like eight years. Oh my god. I feel terrible and no one ever saw it I had four shows. I feel so bad Eight years is how long I was in the NFL. Oh, yeah, that's a long. That's a by the way. That's a long time It was like being a stripper great money great times, but you weren't going anywhere And so and there Burr one night goes what's your nut like tell me what your nut is and i was i told him and he was like oh yeah you can make

that and stand up get away from that channel your show sucks joe man joe told me so many times your show is horrible man just do stand up and so my business plan when i got like i got fired from travel channel sadly but my business plan was to find cool stuff yeah find cool stuff and then dive headfirst into that create your own content do that like what you're doing right here what i'm doing with my podcast i have three podcasts a cooking show i do instagram is just to make cool stuff and then to find cool stuff and to be involved with it because i feel like cool people listen to this, and if you like this, you'd like me. Like that's,

Stanley Lane, I found a show called Hot Ones, where you eat hot ones, hot wings. Hey, it's doing okay. I found him before anyone knew the show. How happy were you for him then as he was just blowing up?

Dude, I love Sean. I love, and that's, there's been iterations of that where he's hit me up, he's like, dude, MTV wants to buy the show, what do I do?

And you're like, oh, just buckle down, don't do it. Because what he's doing is flawless. It's a great show and he's a great interviewer. It's a great setup. Yeah.

It's a great, everything nowadays, right? Like Cold as Balls with Kevin Hart. Like everything's about where you're doing the interview. Dave Portnoy's Pizza Reviews. Everything's about how you do the interview.

That setup is a masterful setup. It's a very, very smart setup. I tried to do my version of that called One Bottle with Burt. How's it go? It did not work well because no one wanted to get hammered and just talk trash.

I'm cool with it. Like, I say regrettable stuff all the time. All the time. Like, if cancel culture is coming for me, I can tell you the podcast to listen to. Like, I've said stuff that I regret. I said it the other day like come on you can't though we're at the point now burt where you're a lot of people's idols we

can't just get you you know written off the script of life here oh it'll happen i'm ready for it when it happens i think it'll be like the way they say a prisoner lays in his bed when he's been arrested and you know he's guilty because he sleeps a good night i think i'll have the best night's sleep when cancel culture finally gets me and i'm like i know it's happening i can't believe it was just that you want to take a call from miami please chris in miami what's up hey bird what's up brother Hola, como estas amigo, todo bien? Hola! Hey, que bien si, como estas? Bien, verito?

Todo bien, papo, bien. Hey, I feel like our show is growing. This is good, if we could do more foreign languages, I would like that, personally. Anyways, Chris, what do you want to ask Bert? Hey, Bert, man, speaking of those podcasts you were talking about, I listened to Two Bears, One Cave the other day and heard you started smoking heaters, congrats on that. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I started smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I listened to Two Bears, One Cave the other day and heard you started smoking heaters.

Congrats on that. Oh, thanks, man. I started smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I wanted to find out which ones you're smoking. Oh, American Spirits, man. It's what cool kids smoke. Why? Why not, right?

Yeah, just why not? Florida. And then I'll quit. And then you show everyone I can quit. Hey, listen, that cold turkey thing's real and I can do it. Here it is. No big deal. Count it down as another accomplishment, says Bert.

Okay, we've got to get to a break here before we wrap up the hour. We were 27 minutes late on the first break. Oh, that was me. I'm sorry. No, no. That was it? No, I feel like the radio rules in us. We fluster fluster with them we got chewed out by like a new syndicate there's uh you know when you get syndicated it's a pretty cool thing you grow

obviously there's a couple stations that picked us up and they didn't get it early right we missed our break times and then a hard out i just talked right into the hard out and they're like uh our listeners uh are worried that you you're playing by different rules or blah, blah, blah. So the next time for like two straight shows, I just like mid-conversation on the way out. It's a whole new world, this radio world. It's like backing into the old days. Maybe we should start smoking American Spirits too. Hey, I'll tell you what, man.

Cigarettes feel good. That's all I can tell you. Yeah, they do. Yeah. That guy back there is from Boston. He used to smoke like four packs a day in my prime it was unbelievable god this is great man this is awesome stuff i'll tell you what if you could just move this in like put this on a flatbed truck and take it places so that other people could do it too because indianapolis is a tough get it's tough to get to get. It's tough to get to here.

It is very tough to get to here. It actually is. It's not actually tough. Who's this? This is Dave Williamson. This is one of my openers. Dave Williamson, what's up man? Wearing a meat hat.

Dave is obsessed with barbecue. He'll be smoking tonight at my show. Dave, you wanna sit down right there, Dave? I don't know if we have, here. He'll be smoking a brisket, a couple briskets that he's getting today outside my tour bus and then tonight

after the show if you want some brisket come to my tour bus and Dave will have brisket for you not a bad gig by the way I told this to

I forget who I told this to and they go hold on you guys tailgate for your own shows hey somebody's got to somebody's got dude we were in Florida

and the cops came over. We're getting shut down. They were like, you guys are tailgating out here. This is awesome, man. The machine drinks for his own shows. I was like, yeah, we were smoking cigars, smoking meat. That was in Florida? Tampa, yeah.

Yeah, that's Florida. Yeah, that was like downtown. We were just on the sidewalk downtown with a smoker, a brisket, lawn chairs, cigars, and beers. Awesome. Dave grew up in Miami, so he's a brisket, lawn chairs, cigars, and beers. Awesome. Dave grew up in Miami, so he's a Florida guy. Really? Yep, yep.

By the way, would have never guessed that. Quite a pale individual. I don't know how you battle. Did you battle down there? That's a real thing. I would die in Miami. We were down there for the Super Bowl, and I could not exist. Yeah, battle the sun?

Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, the heat. That's the whitest guy alive. Dave will give you the best car advice right now, and this is my favorite. You know the advice? I know what you're talking about the heat the whitest guy alive dave will give you the best car advice right now and this is my favorite you know the advice i'm i know what you're talking about okay this is if you're going dave used to sell cars he had a dealership down in miami and this is you if you're buying a car this is what you do tell him dave so when i was working at the dealership don't make a meal out of it i'm seven words in bro i think it was you're fine. I'm at the dealership.

All right, I'll just take the advice to my grave. That's fine. No, this dude came in and totally worked one of our brand new salesmen. And it turns out he targeted the sales guy because he called in the day before and asked the secretary. He said, hey, I just came in the other day and I got this brand new salesman. What's his name? And she was like, Carlos? And he goes, yeah,

Carlos, transfer me to him. Carlos picked up and he's like, Carlos, I'm going to come in and buy a car. And he's like, all right, cool.

He came in and just totally worked this rookie sales guy. He found out it was his first week. They want that guy to sell cars. So they're like, all right, make the deal. Yeah. Yeah.

You always want the new guy to get his first, you know, X on the board. So, Oh my God, my pants a little bit to get that guy a sale. That's brilliant. Thanks for that information. I have a car buying habit.

It's not a good one, but I have that. Let's get to a phone call real quick. Ben in Boston who coughed in the middle of your story there. Ben, happy to hear you survived. What do you want to ask, brother? Hey, sorry. I didn't know you could hear me. It's all right, man.

It's very nice of you. It's a feel-good Friday, boys. How you doing? Great, Ben. And also shout-out to Boston Connor for the phones over there. Hey, thanks, Ben. Appreciate it. What's your question?

Thank you, Connor. This all relies on Connor. What's your question? I'm a big fan of What's Burning, the cooking show on YouTube. Are we going to get more of that? You mean my show Something's Burning? That was his thing. Big fan.

That might have been the worst call in the history of radio. Big fan. What's Burning? Yeah. What is your cooking show called? Something's Burning. I like that. Yeah, I had to take a break because I did the Netflix series.

And so I just had to take a break because we were shooting that. Are you a good chef or terrible? Oh, I'm a horrible chef, but I beat Sebastian Maniscalco in a burger contest. Now we're talking. Dude, I murdered him. And let me tell you something. Sebastian legit cooks and is legit competitive. And when I won, if you look at the look on his face it's in awe we had roy choi who by the way sugar time will be at my saint patty's day event in the store we have taco trucks in the back truck

and uh packed lineup yeah packed lineup and uh it's a podcast in the or big show in the main room ever heard of it and i haven't mentioned it yet. It's going to be big. You should go. But Roy Choi was the guest, and I just cooked burgers and then cooked them in bacon grease. So obviously mine tasted better. Obviously. By the way, secret time. I didn't think I used that right. But if you really want your burger to taste awesome, coat it in mustard before you grill it. Oh, smart.

Meat guy, you say yes, Dave? Yeah, he also went with the Wagyu, right? I went with Wagyu beef, yeah. Smart. That's the really tender stuff. And if you're going to use Wagyu beef, put breadcrumbs in it because it holds on to the fat.

Listen to you. You're a good chef. You're not a bad chef. Check out What's Cooking. Something's burning. And the Birdie Boy World Tour. All those stops can be found at... BertBertBert.com.

You can find everything. My Instagram, my Twitter. Britney Spears retweeted me the other day. It's Britney, bitch. You can say that. That's good news. I can't thank you enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, Burt Kreischer. Can't thank you so much. Thank you so much. What a fucking show today. Burt is an animal. That Michelin ad read might be the greatest ad read in the history

of recorded ad reads poor rainier zeitloh yeah poor guy that was unfortunate but those michelin endurance xt silicone wiper blades are no joke you can only find them at walmart in rainier zeitloh that man that pours the mountain dew in a 32 ounce growler. That guy knows his wiper blades, man. They're on my truck. They work like a jiffy. I used to be blurry, but now I can see. Shout out to him. Shout out to them.

Shout out to you for listening and watching wherever the hell you may be. We appreciate the hell out of you. Ty Schmidt, please play some independent music. Back, back, back, back, back to those days I was running, running, running, running, running in one place At a, at a, at a, at a, at a, at a, at a pace Feel like I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been running in one place Yeah, I've been feeling pretty good, I've been feeling great I've been feeling how I should, how I really should Been growing up way too fast, like where is my childhood? Lyrics legendary like I am Robin Hood I was slow and good like I am some driftwood Doing things I said I can't when others said I could

Showing up to class studying, I try to make good I am from the west but I'm not talking Clint Eastwood, yeah I was thinking about these times Two of him in my room Creating music with some rhymes I was feelingin' divine Third place took a lot to reach the finish line But now I'm here, love your Shakespeare

Try to talk to one of my motherfuckers, always interfere That's a watchin' down, lookin' at the fuckin' atmosphere Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, baby prophetess He's white and he's speakin' fast, I see a Knox in here But I get it, I get it, I fit in, I beat in That motherfucker, wanna murder that beat But I get it, I get it, I fit in that beat And that motherfucker want a mother that beat But I get it, I get it, I spend it, not credit I get it from Reddit, I read it from Reddit

I get it repeated, I fit in that fit And I look on my words again, wanna start shit again Really wanna start shit again, really wanna start shit again Read it back to all of those days In your bedroom, recruiting for phase Eatin' some chips, stayin' with what we slay Fantasizin' bout buyin' some J's But you got no money to pay

Ask mom, she says, this is her face Used to have days, eatin' donuts, stayin' face You sat in days, eating donuts, they won't always glaze Shit, shoes fresh like an albola of a tree Red ones costing me like 15k rupees Dark gloomy days, need self-admissibility Took a long time to get back into this reality Back, back, back, back, back to those days I was running, running, running, running, running in one place

At a, at a, at a, at a, at a, at a, at a pace Feel like I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been running in one place Yeah, one place and now I'm falling from grace Please don't trip, watch your step, you better tie your shoelace Look at the ground, 90 degree angle, human race Trying to get some real talk from you but poker face Like what are you trying to do, yeah? Fitting and stepping in the shoes

But how is that welcome for you? I applied back and no one to view Now you're almost 22 Taking to no avenue That's a sneak preview Of the life you've been living No cooking, no kitchens, no 16th generation Floating iron, switching ambitions

Knots keeping pushing like a pigeon Cold iron that made it nice, cold as a decision Did you see the vision back to those days Where songs were actually written by the artists Now they are all this shit I'm out, I'm out