The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2012 Episode 10 (Joe Lycett)

Episode Date: November 15, 2020

"Edinburgh Fringe 2012 Episode 10 (Joe Lycett)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 95 of 128.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Pickle and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Because it's on air, Peacock and Gamble's not playing, Gamble really is great, Peacock and it is a gamble. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble, here they are. Hello and welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast episode 10. Welcome back to the Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast. Because I imagine lots of people listening now would have been listening to all of them. And what a great life we're having. Oh, we're having loads of fun, aren't we?

We really do feel like a club. A special secret club. Do we? Exclusive on the internet. Right. And you are all our best friends. And we are your top two friends at the top of it. So you're trying to create that feeling

just by simply saying it? Like a feeling of like... Because people sometimes say that about our podcast. Like, oh, it's like a secret club. Like, they feel like your friend. It feels like just hanging out with your it. Like a feeling of like. Because people sometimes say that about our podcast. Like oh it's like a secret club. Like they feel like your friend. It feels like just

hanging out with your friends. Like a clique. But you know you know you can't just say that to make that true. No no but that is a

good way of starting it off isn't it. Getting the ball rolling. Getting the ball rolling. Yeah like when you say there is a buzz

about our show. Yeah. There is a buzz about our show isn't there now. Because we have been making people say that there is.

Yeah. And as soon as people say there is there is. Yeah but now there is a real one as well. Yeah. Think is a buzz about our show, isn't there, now? Yeah, because we have been making people say that there is. Yeah. And as soon as people say there is, there is. Yeah, but now there is a real one as well. Yeah. Think about it, mate. There is a real one now. Oh, yeah, there is. I'm thinking about it, and now I've just realised that there is.

Because also this year at the Finch, what we have announced is there's lots of people waiting for us after the show as well, and we meet them, and it is very, very nice. Yeah. And some bring us gifts. And can more of you bring us gifts, please? Yes, please. Thank you. Ideally, things we can pin to our set

yeah that's what we've been doing someone brought a horrible little rubber face the other day yeah which has not gone on the set yet

not yet it's not but it'll go on tonight but it is horrific and I'm worried it's cursed that lad also brought me some hand sewing carbonite ice cube tray yeah

really really cool and I was going to buy them myself so thank you very much do you remember that gentleman's name I sadly don't either but it was really nice meeting you and your friend who was called Callum I remember that that is going to be them myself so thank you very much. Do you remember that gentleman's name? I sadly don't either but it was really

nice meeting you and your friend who was called Callum I remember that. That is going to be devastating. That's the worst

part of it but Joe I remember it because when we were still talking to him he shouted Callum over and that's why

Callum went in my head specifically. Was it George? Could have been George. If you are called George then it was you.

If you're not called George then it wasn't you. But that was genuinely appreciated we enjoy meeting people afterwards

it's always nice when they're supportive we don't like meeting people afterwards they punch us in the face or the police or the police that's horrible

we met some people last night I was going to tell you about this the lad who we met last night I did a gig not long ago at the Slade Rooms and it's Wolverhampton or Birmingham

Wolverhampton which weirdly I made no connection with Slade, the group Slade. Is that what it is? That's exactly what it is, yeah. They're the Slade Roots.

They're named after Slade. Oh. When you go in there, it's all pictures of Noddy Holder in there. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've tried not to make

the connection at all. What, and they keep the toilet rolls on? The Noddy Toilet Roll Holder. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. It's all Slade things. Noddy, yeah,

that's many of them. What other Slade things could there be? Don't even worry about it. Christmas. Yeah, Christmas Slade things what other Slade things could there be don't even worry about it Christmas yeah Christmas Slade

a Christmas Slade like Farm Christmas and also they do that's the one I meant

I didn't yeah they're all brilliant but anyway I think Slade played there in their

formative years quite a lot I like it as a room just a big furry thing like noise written in furry letters

just go feel it yeah just go feel it like the slates on come on feel the noise yeah and you should have a man there gesturing you

towards you yeah yeah sounds like a shit bar yeah I just quite liked it but I was first on I thought it might be quite difficult

and it wasn't it was a really nice gig and I was doing material and it was fine and then I was talking about something about being gay or something it was some sort of thing about people doing material and it was fine and then I was talking about something about being gay or something it was some sort of thing

about people people being gay whatever it was and this lad sort of perked up at the front and I said are you a gay gentleman yeah

and he went no no I've got a girlfriend yeah I went oh right I wasn't you know I wasn't doing it as an insult he went quite over it

the reason I'm telling this story is because this lad came to our show last night last night I Last night, I think I met him as well separately afterwards. With another girl who might be his girlfriend

or might not be his girlfriend. I don't know if you were or not. All I know is when we had our photo talk with each other, I know what you were doing and we both know, don't we,

you were right tight against me. Pretty sexy. Right, well that's one relationship you've broken up with. Pretty sexy that was. But don't worry, I won't tell him

that you were doing it. Anyway, at the gig he went, I've slept in bed with a gay man. And I went, oh right, what's the story beyond that? And he went, oh it's quite a long story. I went, it's okay, tell it, it's fine, we'll do it, it's part of the gig, it'll be funny. And he went, well, what happened was, first week I went to university, I was staying in a halls of residence. And everyone was going in and out of each other's rooms and that.

We were sort of having a bit of a party. And then it was all happy and that people were drunk and we were having a nice time. And then a lad who lived in the room next to me in our halls, he came next door to me. And it was quite nice and we haven't been drinking a lot. But then he went kind of aggressive while he was in my room. And I was like, no, come on, calm down. And he got more aggressive and he had a baseball bat. And I'm like, look, I will hit you with this

because you're getting far, you're really scary, getting far too aggressive. And then he just went out of my room again. And then I went downstairs and got into bed with a gay man. It's an amazing story. But that was fantastic. And yeah, he came to our gig last night. So it was nice to see him again

because I was beginning to wonder whether or not he was a figment of my imagination. But no no so yeah so we're like meeting people two other lads came over as well last night

we were chatting and that they were fans of the podcast and stuff so people if you do come we are approachable

definitely we're just nice lads sometimes just nice boys we have to run off to other gigs so we might be a bit quick

but if we're not doing nothing we'll be outside the dome about 20 minutes after our show come and say hello give us presents that are very expensive.

Give us a wave and a nice handshake. What I will tell you is, and I've put this on Twitter, the headphones that I use to edit the podcast with, it was a mouse as well, that's fine, are Bose headphones, very posh. Yeah. But they have now sadly given up. Sadly, the cushions, we know that they're called the cushions because Bose have contacted you. They've been in touch, haven't they? They've been in touch saying what's wrong with them

and you sent them a message back saying the stitching's all come out and the earmuffs have fallen off. Because between us we couldn't think of a proper word for those bits. Yeah and then Bose wrote back and said that's the cushions and we can send you new ones but it'll take a while. Yeah. And I was like well I sort of need them right now because I'm editing right now. Not to worry because we have got brilliant fans. So if any brilliant fans want to come to our show right and bring me, there's got to be at least 100 quid. Right. They've got to be posh ones. What do everyone's wearing? Dr Dre. You don't want them mate. I do. No you don't. I do. You look silly with those. Alright

well basically they've got to be posh headphones that block out noise. Yeah. What do you call them? Noise removal. Noise. Noise. Sound proof. No noise headphones.

No noisy. No noisy, please. They sell them at Edinburgh Airport. I remember that. So if you're coming up by plane, pop yourself in there. I think it's a Dixon's or a Curry's or something in there. Pop yourself in there and just get me some really expensive headphones. Noise cancelling.

Noise cancelling. That's it. Yeah. So get me some of them, please, becausecelling. Noise cancelling, that's it. So get me some of them please, because otherwise I'm not going to release any more

podcasts. And I'm serious about that. So I expect my tomorrow's show, which will be Saturday night, I expect people

there Saturday night with either gift vouchers for careers or actual headphones. And if we get more than one set of headphones, then we will give

them to the poor. So how about that? That's lovely isn't it? There you go poor person, here's some nice headphones. What am I going to plug that into? Bye! Bye! What a lovely experience for somebody who, a person off the street. So our show last night was really nice wasn't it? It was lovely, I had a nice time. Yeah I enjoyed it last night, I think last night was the best one so far in my opinion. Yeah and in nice time. Yeah, I enjoyed it last night. I think last night was the best one so far, in my opinion. Yeah, and in my opinion. Yeah, it felt like we hit everything.

All the people. Everyone, as they came in, one by one, punched them in the face. Punched them all. What show are you talking about? Why? Peacock and Gamble, isn't it? Oh, God. Emergency Broadcast was the show we did last year.

Imagine spending thousands of pounds coming to Edinburgh and then not knowing where your show's on or what it's called or what time it is. That's terrible, isn't it? Mate. I genuinely started saying emergency broadcast.

I know you did. I'm so tired. Right. It's called Pete Cockney Amble Don't Even Want To Be On Teddy Anyway. It's 9.40 at the Pleasant Stone. No.

No, mate, you can't do that anymore. Why? No, it's Pleasant Stone. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Yeah, lovely. Good one, isn't it? I did an extra gig last night. This is part why I'm so tired. Yeah. We're both doing it. Don't. Don't, don't, don't. Yeah, lovely. Good one, isn't it? I did an extra gig last night. This is part of why I'm so tired. We're both doing it. You did BBC last night, didn't you? I did the secret comedy lock-in, which I'm resident comp player of, but not tonight because I want to make you go and do it instead. Yeah. Because I've got to come home and edit. So I'm losing money doing this.

Ed's gaining money there. I will spend it on something nice for the house. Beautiful. Yeah, a nice picture or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Nice dinner. You don't need to do that. And then at the end of The Secret, probably Locking as well. I said, because you promote your own show. I'm not really very good at it.

Yeah. Because I don't know the name of the show. Or where it's on at. Yeah. But I said, you know, come and support the actual thing tonight. If you want to come and see me, it's fine. I don't really stand up in the show.

It's a double act show, but it's a lot of fun and that. You can come to it. It's called People Can Gamble. Don't even want to be on telly anyway. And it's 9.40pm. I look pleasant, don't I? So do come fun and that you can come to it. It's called People Can Gamble, don't even want to be on telly anyway, and it's 9.40pm at a place in Stonet. So do come and see that

and then finish the show. And afterwards, a lad came up to me, right, really like, conspirationally, and just went, um,

I got, dum-dum. I got it when you said that. I went, okay, but yeah, I haven't listened to the podcast. I went,

oh, thanks very much. Yeah, yeah. And then he walked up like we'd had a little secret. Yeah, that's nice,

isn't it? Yeah, so dum-dum, it's your domain, unless you want to sing dum-dum-dum-dum a little secret yeah that's nice isn't it yeah so Dumb Dumb it's your domain unless you want to sing Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb yeah

but that's where it's on at Peacock and Gamble emergency broadcast mate don't actually do that as a joke now Peacock and Gamble

don't even want to be on telly anyway that's what it's called and it's going alright so come and experience the

phenomenon that is Peacock and Gamble don't even want to be on telly anyway the West End smash with a lot of buzz about it we are doing I mean touch wood we're doing really well for audiences Phenomenon. That is Peacock and Gamble. Don't even want to be on telly anyway. The West End smash.

We have a lot of buzz about it. We are doing well. I mean, touch wood. We're doing really well for audiences. We are touching wood here because we're on a wood table. Properly touching a bit of wood there. So, I mean, it's got to fall off, I know. Oh, well, drop off tonight, I'd imagine.

We said that last night. Yeah. We said it'd drop off last night. Yeah, but it will be tonight. But it didn't last night. No, it didn't tonight. No, I think it'll be. What?

A thousand people tonight. Right, well, they won't all be able to get in. So buy your tickets't last night. No, it didn't tonight. No, I think it'll be. What? A thousand people tonight. Right, well, they won't all be able to get in, so buy your tickets early, guys. That's the way. We've got a great interview today with Joe Lycett. Joe Lycett. I'm going to sing all the guests' names. Why?

From now on. But that's the thing to start halfway through, isn't it? Joe Lycett. I say halfway through. A third of the way through. Joe Lycett. Yeah, I'm going to get nothing more out of him. It's Interview with Joe.

Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Interview time. Oh, here we are. Interview with our celebrity guest. Who could it be? It's Joe Isert. Hooray. Yay.

Hi, Joe Isert. Do you know what? I always thought your name was Joel Isert. Lots of people think it's Joel or Joel Joel Isset, or Joel Isset. But who has the surname Isset? My mate from school, Tom Isset. Tom Isset, yeah. It's not spelled with a Y, C, is it?

Yeah, yeah. That's absolute lies. I'll have a check on my Facebook, mate. He doesn't know Facebook, so that's... Check on my Facebook, mate. You will see. Tom Isset. It's my top friend.

Leave your Facebook up and I'll have a look. If I've been Facebooked up, you're not even looking at it. I thought your name was Joel as well for a long time, but now I feel like an idiot for not knowing it was Joe. I'll be honest, I don't mind that your name's Joe, and I wouldn't have minded if your name was Joel. But it's weird, isn't it, that we thought it was Joel, but it is Joe.

I do just sort of think if anyone thinks of me as Joel, what an idiot, and then I don't really speak to them again. Well, this is going to be awkward then, isn't it? No, it'll be a great interview. I've made exceptions for you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. How are you?

That's my first question. How are you? That's a very good question. It's a great question. Yeah. I'm ever so well. How do you gauge it then? Well, I've not bled from any way today.

Right. That's promising. Isn't that? That's promising. Yeah. And I just have a general feeling of well-being. Apart from I did just mention I've got a little bit

of heartburn but that's because I've had some coffee. So I know the reason behind that. What you actually said when you arrived was you've got a pain in your chest

that feels like a heart attack but it isn't one. Well yeah, I'm fairly sure it isn't one. But then I asked you if you've ever had a heart attack and you said no. No, I haven't.

But I know what it should feel like because I've Wikipedia'd it. What should it feel like? You've Wikipedia'd a heart attack and you said no no i haven't but i know what it should feel like because i've wikipedia'd it what should it feel like you've wikipedia'd a heart attack because i thought i had one about two years ago okay well if you think you're having a heart attack the best person to speak to is a doctor rather than wikipedia well i had luckily at the time i was living above a gp surgery so i've managed to get myself an appointment and you're stealing their wi-fi as well so i was stealing their Wi-Fi and I had the appointment, but I had to wait like 10 minutes. So I just thought, I'll just double check, because they might ask me certain questions.

I need to know what the right answer is to confirm. So what are the actual symptoms of a heart attack? Well, the one that I thought was quite interesting was that it's a feeling of impending doom, which naturally it would be, because you're having a heart attack. But that's also a feeling of impending doom which naturally it would be because you're having a heart attack so that's also a common after any edinburgh show that i've done it's also a common symptom of a panic attack it is a common symptom of a panic attack yeah which actually i think it might have been i don't know brought on by the fact you thought you

were having heart attack so it's just who knows what started first I don't know chicken and egg chicken and egg this is chicken and egg yeah so I went down to the GP afterwards and he sort of laughed me out of the office

really pre-cooking gamble pre-cooking gamble so we're we're right into interview now we've established your name yeah I've got that

and we know where you live and we know you're feeling fairly relaxed today but yeah I I mean I've met you quite a lot before and I've met you quite loads I remember it do you remember it yeah yeah we know each other feeling fairly relaxed today. But yeah, I mean, I've met you quite a lot before. I've met you quite loads. I remember it. Do you remember it?

Yeah, yeah, we know each other. You seem like quite a relaxed gentleman generally. Would I be right in saying that? Yeah, I like to be quite lethargic at most times. Yeah, I wouldn't say lethargic. I'd say laid back. Yeah, laid back. I haven't met him as well. Yeah, no?

I haven't met him as well quite a few times at gigs and that. In fact, you quite recently waited in a service station while I had a nap in my car, didn't you? That's true. That is genuinely true, yeah. So I was very relaxed at that point. Yeah, yeah. Because I was part Ted Moore, is it? Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who leads. Yeah. Which in Avengers I believe it was. It might be Avengers.

And your big 4x4 that you've now got. Tell me what sort of car I've got, because... Honestly. I asked him, he said, how much did it cost oh it's only like 50k or something really thrilled I am nonchalant about it right

well bearing this in mind then that I that I may or may not have a nice car right bearing that in mind right brand new as well pretty much

I was sat with my comments in my car bit of comfort and I felt the car moving a little bit and I looked through my windscreen. Joe Leistad over here was, what can anybody

describe as rutting my car. It spun around, he just sat on the bonnet, rubbing his arse up and down it. Right? And it wasn't 50k. I put on a lovely show for you. You took off a couple of grabs from that. That's fine, but he came to my window, he went, is it that car? I went, oh, thank you. He went, is it you?

I went, yeah. He went, oh, it's sturdy, isn't it? It's like kicking the tyres. That's what you do. That's how you test it. That's how you test to see if a car's good. Yeah, but you don't get incoming over going, this is sturdy, isn't it? Oh, it's sturdy, isn't it? Like that.

I don't talk like that. It doesn't talk like that. How you did it then? Oh, this is sturdy. Ooh. So, yeah. All right, mate. Yeah, this is sturdy. Ooh. So, yeah. All right, mate. Yeah, that's it.

Hey, buddy pal. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. On stage, you're very, very charming. I think that's a fair appraisal of you. That word is used a fair bit. Yeah, yeah, you're very charming. But you are actually also quite dark with them sometimes, aren't you? You're quite insulting sometimes.

But you're not an insulting comic but your charm lets you get away with I think I can get away with actually calling people some sort of quite appalling things you know the c-word and whatever because in this ludicrous voice that I have you can sort of get away with it in a way that if you're a more aggressive

comic anyway in your style calling someone the c-word is actually just calling them that. Do you think that's the worst thing that you could call someone on C word is actually just calling them that do you think that's the worst thing that you could call someone on stage or have you managed worse than that

I think it's worse calling a sweet lady a slag or something I think that's always if it's a sweet lady what if it is a slag oh then in which case it's just accuracy

what about a slut do you differentiate between a slag and a slut I do no what is the I suppose there must be I think slag is a disparaging I do. No, what is the... I suppose there must be. I think slag is a disparaging term

because we sleep with a lot of people. Yeah. Slut is somebody who's just very dirty, sexually. Yeah, a bit... Yeah, slutty. Yeah. And I think slut's all right. We'll have time for a slut.

I'm sure you will. Can't be doing a slag. No time for a slag. Can't be doing a slag. Can't be doing a slag. Well, a slag often doesn't have time for you, though, because they'll have a lot in their diary that they've brought up.

Full up. Yeah, completely full up. In both ways. Both ways completely full. Oh, well, this has gone filthy very early, John. So thanks a lot for that, mate. It seems to follow me wherever I go with this filth. How many fringes have you done, please?

I worked out. I didn't realise. This is my fifth year at the Fringe. Really? But the first year I only did, like, I think I did ten days. OK. So it's my fourth year doing the full run. First year doing a Fringe. Really? But the first year I only did like I think I did ten days. Okay. So it's my fourth year doing the full run.

First year doing a solo show. Do you like it or does it get on your wick? It's my favourite time of the year. Really? I really enjoy it. I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy

doing a solo show because of the added pressure and all that. But actually so far so good. Yeah. And I've not drunk much. I've had a couple of spritzers

here and there. Right. But I've not got drunk at all which is very rare for me. Come on, Joe. Come on, Joe. Let's try and break out of the stereotype now.

Pick a different drink. Alright, Malibu and Coke. That'll do us nice. Are you a social person in Edinburgh or is it all about the work? No, it's all about the social. Less so this year, but I am very sociable in Edinburgh or is it all about the work? No, no, it's all about the social, well, less so this year but I am very sociable

in Edinburgh. I become, I just use it as an opportunity to catch up with a lot of people that I haven't seen a lot of,

you know, just comics that I don't get to see for whatever reason. It's so important. Because I'm just too important to sort of chill out

with those sorts of people now in real life. Yeah. Well, often with, if you do a gig with Joe, often with Joe, even like before

and after the gig, he's very, very busy. Yeah. He's got an iPad, he do a gig with Joe, often with Joe, even like before and after the gig, he's very, very busy. Yeah. He's got an iPad, he's very busy. Oh, he's got an iPad. You've got an iPad. I know, but mine's a...

Yeah, but his is like quite northern, his iPad. Mine's chalk. Oh, you've got your apps. He's got an app that tells him what strike's coming up

the next time. Yeah. Yeah, well, last time I gigged with Joe, the time before we did the one in Leeds we did Exeter's Malarkey Manchester

which is a lovely wonderful club yeah that I can't speak highly enough of it's a church now is it Exeter's Malarkey

yeah it's a what do you call it desanctified desanctioned yeah one of them when it's not godless anymore yeah that's it

not godless godless left ungodly it's a godless building yeah and you know Joe was there trying out some stuff for his enemy show.

Very, very busy. He tried to talk to a little chap. He's like, no, I'm too busy, I'm too busy. And then he ran off into the graveyard. There's a graveyard there. Of course, people are still buried there. No, no, no. Hang on, this is...

He looks at the inside of a church. And he noticed that some of the graves were of children. And he sort of danced about on them. Rubbed his penis against the headstone, saying, look at me, look at me. I'm on a dead child's grave. What is it about you and rubbing your penis on inanimate objects? So far we've had a car and a gravestone.

I didn't rub my penis on a child's grave. I would like to make that clear. What did you do then? I can't remember. I remember it was mildly offensive, but not that offensive. It was that offensive. But I did not that offensive. It was that offensive. But I did it with charm. It was very charming. It was charming rubbing my penis against the chair.

The vicar turned up and he looks horrified and then he saw it and he was like... Oh, that's fine. But he's lovely, isn't he? He is lovely. No, you described me quite eloquently that day, didn't you? What did I say?

You said something like, the only man if i slept with i would kiss or something like that oh yeah yeah that's nice that's nice that's lovely thing about that where i would say like a metrosexual man thank you um but you know when you get you know when you i've had this discussion before when you're that feeling that dirty and you're mid-wank and you're like well you're a slut, aren't you? Yeah, I'm dirty, slut. In your car at the station. Yeah, things just pop into your head, don't they? You're like, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm definitely sucking up now.

Oh yeah. And then you come. Look at Joe, he's a micro. And then as soon as you finish, you go, oh no, no, dirty, dirty. No, I wouldn't. As soon as you finish. Yeah, as soon as you finish. No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, the minute you finish, it's like, what's happened to me? My mood changes, like, in a puddle. Yeah, it does. It really does. My mood changes in a puddle. He'll go very angry and go, get out, Ed. Yeah. I'm not interested now, Ed, thank you.

I want to read a comic. What do you mean it's your turn? Yeah, but I've always said that thing of, like, you know, I've got no issue with people doing that or, you know, the idea of doing that. but the idea of kissing a man has always been something that's... That's what's said to me, oh, no, that's not for me, because I couldn't kiss a man.

He's just said that, Joe. I'm just going to get our flyer and just show you the back of the flyer, which is us kissing. Oh, look at... No, you're not touching it. Did you touch it? Yeah, we did. No, we're not. We do have photos where we are for a lot of kissing.

We're not necking. Look at all these dicks you're doing. You're doing a lot of kissing. We're not necking. Look at all these things you're doing. You're doing a lot of dates. That wasn't why I showed you the flyer. It was just for the kissing. Very popular. Look at him. I didn't realise how popular you were.

No, he does. Oh, no, we're not. Five stars on absolute radio. We're not, Joe. What's good, though, is you just put them in, and then later on, just pull them as you go. Put them in. As it goes along.

But for Edinburgh, it looks great. It does, doesn't it? You look very good there. I think that's a very charming photo of the two of you. And I think you look like you're enjoying it more than you're suggesting there. Really? Do you think?

It doesn't look awkward to you at all. It looks like your home. No, no. We're acting in that. But it's always been an astounding block for me, that. But then I thought that would be a lovely compliment to you if we were doing, you know, dirties in a toilet or something. Dirt.

I think the fact it's in the toilet takes away a lot of the tenderness of the kiss. Right. But I'm saying I wouldn't even kiss him in a toilet. Right. How about that? That's really lovely, mate. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Pickle can gamble. Pickle can gamble. Joe, we should talk about your show for a little bit because you probably want to get a plug in don't you no that wasn't what I

was saying genuinely what time is your show and where is it on and what is it about something yes yes yes yes yes it's on at 8.30 yeah

at the Pleasance Courtyard don't no we're not you're in the don't sorry I've got to point to us again. No, no.

I mean, I can push your show as well. I've got the flyer here. No, it's fine. No, we do. Don't worry. Oh, actually, you're ten minutes after me, so it's probably doable. You could double it up.

Yeah. Well, what's yours than ours? And then run over. Yeah. What's going to happen there is we're going to get latecomers because they've been in your show. Yeah, and they'll also be so exhausted

from, not laughter, but the intense silence. Wanda. Wanda. No, it's on the courtyard, 8.30. It's called Some Lassit Hot. What is it called now? It's just a pound.

Oh, I like it. I remember when I spoke to you about it in Leicester, you were possibly going to call it If You Lassit, Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It. If Joe Lassit. If Joe Lassit, Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It. Which, it was going to be called that for a long time, but then lots of people didn't get it, like over the age of about 40, loads of people didn't get it.

And that's very much the mind. I've tried to become commercial and sort of sell it. But then do people ever younger understand some lice it hot or Joe lice it hot, what is it? Some lice it hot. Joe lice it hot. It's just a description then, isn't it? Yeah, justett Hart. Joe Lassett Hart. Yeah. It's just a description then, isn't it? Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

Which you've made about me and that car and that service station. I'd give you a kiss as we were wanking each other off. So, so is it a first show? Yeah. Is it, because quite a lot of the time when people do their debut show, it'll just be a sort of best of everything they've written up until that point.

Is there an element of that or do you have a through line of your written stuff specifically for the... I originally, when I started writing it, I was trying to write to a theme and then that wasn't really working because I'm still getting used to my writing technique. I'm not really, I don't really know how to write yet.

I'm getting better at it as I go along, but that wasn't working out. So I just wrote about things that made me angry or happy or stuff from an emotional point of view. And the theme sort of naturally emerged from that. There are a couple of bits that have been in my set for a couple of years or whatever. So there's a couple of familiar bits.

But generally it's a brand new show that I've written over the last sort of six months because that was the challenge to write a brand new show. Because I think a lot of people have seen the old stuff. And the old stuff, if it's in there, it's in there for a reason. The theme is basically about being a man, really. Okay. And whether I'm a real man.

No, you are. Definitely. You've seen what? I've seen him. He's a man. Have you seen his... Have you seen his man? His penis? Yeah. No, I've not seen it. I've seen him he's a man have you seen his have you seen his man his penis

yeah no I'm not I went to it and patted that on the top of that grave I forgot the grave I said it I cleared it

on the top of the Charles Gray and you should just say that you can clear that very quickly on the top of the show go by the way

I am a man you'll find that out because I saw my penis once as I was rubbing it against the Charles Gray anyway don't rub it it's fine spoiler alert spoiler alert the Joe Lysak show he is a man I saw my penis once as I was rubbing it against a Charles Grose. Anyway, I think Rob was the one.

Spider alert. Yeah. Spider alert for Joe Lysol's show. He is a man. He saw his penis on the Charles Grose. Why did you bite your nails? I know. Look how bad they are.

Yeah, they're shiny now. That one's the worst one. It's terrible. They're both... I bite my nails as well. Let's have a look at yours. Oh, you're much better than I am. I don't know. I've got it. This is the worst it's terrible. They're both terrible. I bite my nose as well. Let's have a look at yours. Oh, you're much better than I am. I don't know.

I've got it. This is the worst it's been. I think it's probably the Edinburgh sort of writing or whatever. It just becomes a bit of a crutch, maybe. Do you swallow them? I do swallow them. You shouldn't because they make a ball in your stomach. Yeah, they do.

They do that. They do that. They make a ball in your stomach, and then when you do a poo, it all comes out and cuts the inside of your bumhole like a ninja star. That's true. I don't think it ever comes out I think it's like

chewing gum no that's my grandma with heart she died but she would have told you maybe that's what

the heartburn is it's just you shouldn't eat your nails because you can't break them down you can't digest them it's protein

surely it's not and they cleanse your body and make a little ball sometimes they stick out the skin

if you eat too many and you walk around like a sort of Perspex hedgehog. Yeah, you're called Porky Boy. Yeah. That's what they're called, aren't they? Yeah.

That's a great super power, isn't it? Porky Lyser. Porky Lyser. Porky Lyser. Sounds like a posh charcuterie. Not a posh one, but like a subway version of a charcuterie.

Yeah. Porky Lyser. Yeah, Porky Lyser. That's what you get when you come and do our podcast. We'll end up saying the word charcuterie. Yeahk you like it. Bonk you like it. That's what you get when you come and do our podcast. We'll end up saying the word charcuterie. Yeah.

I just see a bit of you go, what's that? What's wrong with your nails? Do you know what I was thinking about? I find it very satisfying to bite my nails. Really? I really love them.

I do as well. My mum tried in the past did you ever have that stuff painted on? Oh yeah, that stuff makes them taste horrible. I'm not eating them because they're delicious as they are. I'm eating them because of the satisfaction of tearing off my own body.

I suppose it is self-harm, isn't it? Is it self-harm? Not really. On a very, very low level. Yeah, it's very low level. No, because that would be like getting your your hair cut self-harm it would be or having a wash like dead skin coming off your ears

yeah yeah self-harming I am going to challenge myself to sort of not because I did manage to do like a couple of weeks where I didn't do it for a while

you should try and challenge for the fringe try and grow them really long like them Indian lads in the Guinness Book of Records you know the guys from the Indian lads or Silky

they are so men aren't they they're lads or Silky comedian Silky who They are so men, aren't they? They're lads. Or Silky. Being Silky, who's committed into your game soon, he's got a long nail on his hand.

Has he? I think he uses it for a guitar. Oh, and John McCruick's got a long nail on his little finger for picking his nose.

Paul Heaton, the erstwhile singer from the beautiful South and the Housewives, he has a very long thing on his nose. Wow. So that's the end of the section for this week of Who's Got Long Nails. the erstwhile singer from the beautiful self in the house what is he has a very long thing else wow so that's the end

of the section for this week of who's got long nails pre-cooking gamble pre-cooking gamble there's a lot of sexual tension

between us there's always been a bit of sexual tension between us there you feel like it's building there

yeah it's joking a bit but there's also like well I'm joking yeah I'm joking definitely

I'm really enjoying watching it I think it's because as well i'm joking yeah i'm joking oh definitely i'm really enjoying watching it i think it's because as well physically we're very different yeah yeah yeah but i think it's that thing as well you know that would look disgusting i think it would them two with no clothes on would look disgusting i think it'd work as a couple i'd like to see you on a red carpet oh my god let's do that yeah i'm not doing see you on a red carpet. No, don't be a cunt. Oh my God, let's do that. No, we're not doing that, Joe. When I say red carpet, I mean just a carpet in the living room just soaked with

arse bitters. Well, there's that. That's diffused attention. Nicely there. Well, that's what will happen if I keep biting my nails.

Do you do it with your penis in your bum or not? Would I have a penis up my bum or not? Would I have a penis up my bum or not? Yeah. That's a question you're asking me now.

Now, imagine that in Parkinson's voice. Yeah. Who loves it? It's nice to see you. No. Would you have a penis on your bum?

Well, hang on. Would you, not a penis, but would you have anything up your bum? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you would. He's on record with saying that.

But my bum's not been working recently, so I'm not going to do it. That's it, I don't want to damage it. I didn't damage it. Because it's a tender area. Yeah, no, I didn't damage it doing anything with it. But we've discussed it in the podcast before, I've never had any issue at all with things in my bum. Because people go as well, and they have that disposed thing where they go, oh, it's gay that, it's gay to have things on your bum, which is fine.

If you're a gay man or a gay lady, actually gay, there's something on the wall. Anyway, you can get bogged down with the whole gay thing, can't you? Well, the point is, it's only gay if it's a man pointing things in your bum. If it's a lady's finger up your bum, that's not gay. What if it's a man negotiating a woman into your bum?

Like a whole woman. Yeah, if it's a man putting a woman up your bum, you're right, I don't think that's gay. Is it gay or not? I think you've got other things to worry about if that's happening, rather than definitions of sexuality. Hang on, what if there's a woman

with a finger out, and the finger's on your bumhole, but she's not moving, and a man comes and moves the woman just slightly closer so the finger's on your bumhole but she's not moving and a man comes and moves the woman just slightly closer so the finger's then in the bumhole. So the actual, the mechanics of it mean that the man has put the finger in the bumhole. That's not

gay but if the man comes around the other side and pushes you onto the finger that is gay. Right, so if he pushes you, if the man touches you and pushes you onto the meat of the woman, then that's gay. It just sounds like Christmas to me. It's fine either way.

I think it's a weird situation to be in generally. I don't know what's wrong with this woman. Because it sounds like either this woman's dead or severely disabled. Like Helen Keller and severely disabled. And the only thing she can do is put a finger out

and the rest of us are completely paralysed and if that's the case how do you know she's consenting? Yeah, is it consenting or not? I mean, gay or not Well, she just used the finger to sort of

type in to yeah, put me up the bar No, but she can't because it's established that she can't move Oh, of course So that would be the man putting it up the bar

That would be the man saying yes, this is fine I'm enjoying it That's the man who's doing it. Well, maybe she's blinked it then. No, she can't blink. She's no movement. She can't blink.

Because if she can blink, we could set up a sort of dildo system to the blink. Where she could blink a vibrator into your bum. Yeah. I never thought I'd say that. I don't know if that sentence has ever been said before. I think what we're saying in this interview is there are options. There are ways of getting around these things, aren't there? Blink a vibrator into your bum.

Why don't you? Question two is just queer question mark in your book. I've noticed it now. I was doing that as a joke in my book. Yeah, that was a joke. I've noticed it now. I know, but I was doing that as a joke in my book, just like, so when you saw the question...

Who's laughing? I laughed originally, but I've seen it once. No, I laughed. But I thought it'd be funny if you'd sit down

and see queer question mark. That's my second question. We weren't going to bring up any sexuality things. Unless that's a big part of your show. Unless it's something you want to talk about.

Well, I talk about it for maybe three minutes. Okay, do you still have your little rant about the weddings weddings

about gay weddings no I don't that's why I saw you it was really really good because it was the day that the yeah I was annoyed

some vicar in Sheffield had said something but I tried that stuff subsequently right like I think it was funnier on that day

because I had the passion yeah yeah whereas once I've like lost the passion of the day yeah but whereas once I've like lost the passion of the day yeah but it is ludicrous the the kind of gay marriage thing I don't know it's a horrible thing think of the sanctity of the church yeah and then you know you've got man woman that's how it is yeah it is for the purpose of the appropriate children. So why two men or two women think, oh, fine. It's like they say, isn't it?

Adam and Eve, not Adam and John. Adam and John. It's not Graham and Paul, is it? Adam and Eve, isn't it? Not two knobs in your mouth. Two knobs in your mouth? Two knobs in your mouths. In your mouths.

Top mouth and bottom mouth. No, no, mouths. In your mouths. Top knob on bottom. No, no, just saying that one man has got the other man's knob on his mouth. And then down the other end, the other man's got his mouth on his mouth. Two knobs in your mouths. That's the way I say it. That's the quickest way you can describe that. It's having the noob got two knobs in your mouth. Yeah.

Can everyone else feel the house shaking? I can feel that. Yeah, I don't know what it is. It feels like an earthquake. It feels like we're even discussing homosexual weddings. It's making God angry. God is getting really angry. What is it? No, generally, it could be a little earth tremor or something.

Yeah, it's exciting. Do you have them in Scotland? I don't know why I'm asking you. We're not from Scotland. We're not from Scotland. No, obviously we've been very flippant about the gay marriage thing I don't know my feeling on it is

I think marriage is stupid full stop as a thing so I don't really care who does it making it sort of well we love each other and we really want to spend the rest of our lives together write that down yeah exactly but that aside some people do buy into all that and that's fine and yeah exactly but that aside some people do

buy into all that and that's fine and I think if you buy into it if you're stupid enough to buy into that then you should be allowed to do it

yeah you idiot gay it's an odd thing to be angry about it's an odd thing to funnel your time into

to say no you can't the petty things that have come through, like, so the reason that I was sort of talking about it that day, obviously there was the gay marriage thing that happened that day. That happened that day. It was a man from Sheffield, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the Church of England,

or the Catholic Church. One of those douchebags. But I'd just been to a lesbian wedding, Susan Calman, a wonderful stand-up, and one of the things in her wife's speech, Lee, she said that because it's a civil partnership, they can't

use the word marriage at any point in the ceremony. So, for example, they can't have any music that has the word marry or marriage in. Really? So they couldn't play Love and Marriage. Love and Marriage, Bruno Mars, Marry You. Any of those were banned because, like, legally they couldn't do it.

They should be banned anyway because it's a bit cheesy. It is a bit cheesy. But poetry, any... You just couldn't use the word. And it's at that point you realise how petty and sort of ridiculous it is. What if one of the people getting married is called Mary and the vicar says it wrong? Yeah. Then they would all be killed. Right. By God or someone else? Both. God would sort of finish them off. What has God said about it? No, I don't know what God thinks about the actual marriage thing before I start.

I mean, I've just realised that I've said how it should be allowed, but then... Yeah. I don't know. If God is angry about it, I should be... that I've said it should be allowed, but then... Yeah. If God did that, it should be... Has anyone got his number? We could text. There's got a nine in it, I think. I think it's just one nine. Yeah. One nineteen. Well, you dial nine for an outside line.

Might be three. Is it three nines? Dial nine for an outside line. Let's dial three nines and ask him. No, no, no, no. Say, is God there? I'd let it go to God no

because they genuinely have probably had that call already to them really from someone yeah me from you

yeah on the way yeah but there's that slippery slope argument which is the most ridiculous argument ever that if we allow gay marriage then you know

I'll be facking a kid yeah it's weird. Marrying dogs. Or there's the, it's not Adam and Eve, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Yeah. I think if your whole argument's based on a pun, just because it rhymes doesn't make it a point. Yeah, exactly. I can't remember, I was speaking to you the other night, who said that he was a gay gentleman.

Oh, he comes to our show, I speak to him afterwards, and he said that his auntie didn't know he was gay, and his auntie would tell him about two blokes who'd moved in down the street who were buff geese, is what he said, which is Scottish

for gay. That's quite sweet. Yeah, it sounds like a character from a cartoon. His auntie said, yeah, the buff ge's them down the street but they're alright they don't even

look at the kids oh and there was that jump yeah you might sleep with a man you might sleep with a child

yeah it is that people are very confused by I think sexuality is very confusing anyway and we know

you think it's confusing yeah because I'm confused get it nailed down Joe for goodness sake work out what you want from the ice cream van confusing anyway. And we know you think it's confusing. Yeah, because I'm confused. Get it nailed down, Joe. For goodness sake. Work out what you want from the ice cream van and have it every time.

That's how it is. Standing there biting your nails and looking at them all. I'll have a feast. I'll have a calippo. I'll have a calippo but I also like a flake.

I dare say you do as well. At the same time? No, no. That's overindulgent. You want a mix of matcha? No, no, you've got to save space for fingernails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About a minute in my head that became about genuine ice creams and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's quite an extended metaphor, isn't it? I don't know what the calippo represents. I suppose that's sort of more vaginal than... A screwball's quite vaginal, but it's quite an extended metaphor, isn't it? I don't know what the calippo represents. I suppose that's sort of more vaginal than...

A screwball's quite vaginal, but it's got a ball in it as well. Yeah, it's got a ball in it. Whereas a flake 99 got that little tip, hasn't it? Like a little bellend. It's not really like a bellend, is it? Well, yeah, it would be very hideously deformed bellend, but it's a bit more phallic. That's what I always think of when I read it.

Calippo's more phallic, actually. Yeah, calippo's probably more phallic. I's what I always think of when I look at it. Calippo's more phallic, actually. Yeah, Calippo's probably more phallic. That would sting if it went in. It's a little flaker with all the sharp bits coming off it. It would melt eventually. It would crumble before. Eventually it would melt. The cumbliest, loveliest arse back in the world.

You could put it all over and it would all melt and then you could squeeze that into another man's mouth, couldn't you? I think that this sexual tension is sort of getting a bit carried away now. That's called a dirty milkshake. Is it? It's called a dirty milkshake. You're dirty lettuce.

So, thanks for coming in, Joe. This has been my favourite one so far. We had a lovely, interesting chat with Gareth and he said that was so nice and interesting. Such a lovely chat. I really liked getting down to it. And now you've decided it's definitely your favourite one so far. It's the one about the flake in a bum.

It's the one about the melted flake being squeezed out of a bum into another man's mouth. For a dirty milkshake. For a dirty milkshake, your dirty lattice. So thank you so much for coming in, Joe. Oh, I swear to goodness you've lifted me today. Oh, I've done, yeah. What kind of, um, I'm just now thinking about the ice cream.

Yeah, we should, we should. Magnum. Magnum. Magnum's very good. I'm not so up for Magnum's because the last Magnum I had, it broke my tooth. I've actually had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum.

I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've had a little bit of Magnum. I've just now thinking about the ice cream. Yeah, we should, we should. Magnum. Magnum.

Magnum's very good. I'm not so happy about Magnum's because the last Magnum I had, it broke my tooth. I've actually got some crunchy blasts in the freezer. Yeah, that's what it really is, yeah. Yeah, lovely. Stop it. I had one yesterday. I've never had one before.

It's honeycomb ice cream. Right. Wrapped in chocolate with popping candy. I don't like popping candy. No, it's unnerving, isn't it? It's good on a crunchy blast. No, it upsets me. Well, try shoving that up you. You have crackly shits

for a week. So thank you so much. Wow. This has been such fun. I don't feel like you've enjoyed yourself. No, I have. I just,

I'm just confused. What are you confused about? I don't know, I'm just sort of confused. We might have brought you here to do you, Joe. Well, that's why I'm confused and disappointed.

It's been the filthiest one so far. Actually, these haven't been very rude, these podcasts, have they? Nothing to do with that. I mean, what did Gareth talk about? Lovely Gareth. Crying, mainly. I don't know, I'm not really a big crier. Are you an emotional man, though? Are you easy hurt? I am, and I'm not, really.

I'm sort of sensitive to certain things, and then other things I'm quite cold about. I can be quite cold when I want to be. But you came and announced that you're not reading reviews. Yes, I'm not reading reviews, but that's because... Why? I just can't see how it would help me. Yeah, it wouldn't help. Because if they're really good, I'll get really

complacent. I'll get drunk every night and won't do a good show the next night. And if they're bad, then I'll probably inevitably will be slightly hurt or it would just be distracting but i get over them quite quickly because i did accidentally read one a couple of days ago because they tweeted it to me oh really yeah i'd have punched the lights out i mean their review was sort of fine it was like but it was the fact i'm not trying not to read them but they replied me in and there's like a little tagline in that I've got to read that now so I couldn't really get round that one

but yeah so that was distracting and slightly spoilt an hour or so yeah it does doesn't it as a problem having a slightly arsey review in comparison to all of human history and all of the issues that people have had with spears going through

them in various wars and that kind of thing. It's quite small fry issue, isn't it really? It is, yeah. But it feels important. Oh no, somebody doesn't like my show. It sort of sounds pathetic. But as a personal thing... I've been mauled by the critics. We're not saying that if you saw someone

with a spear go through them you'd still rank the review higher in your emotional register but as a personal thing you're allowed to you're allowed to let something

affect you you need to have the perspective of going this is actually not an issue that's one of the things I like

about your stage as well though because I think because there's certain things you'll tell on stage and I'll go yeah I get angry

about that I get angry about that it's really shocking but the way you do it you say for example you'll say you know people that don't like whatever you know that's silly isn't it yeah daft isn't it and it's a lovely undercutting of it it's lovely it takes all the sting out of it by saying well you're just being silly yeah well that's how i sort of look at homophobia I used to compare it in stand up to like

the idea of somebody just saying that the sun won't rise tomorrow is such idiocy that it's not even worth engaging with there's no point

meeting something that's idiotic and aggressive with the same amount of aggression no it's just they're just going to

smash into each other because then you have a war and there's been enough wars in the world now come on give peace a chance what a lovely sentiment chill out Ed it wasn't me

stop fighting wars against gays we're all the same underneath we're even black and white underneath I've got slightly more fingernails we're all just the same really aren't we why can't we all just get along

that's lovely mate well done no because some people are horrible they're also tons of assholes yeah dickheads

yeah have to fight them oh Joe Lyson that's dirty wasn't it filthy Joe Lyson and a bit of dirtiness

to it and a bit of gritty sex in it and some good serbian points about homosexuality and getting married yeah put a bit of grit in your sex and a bit of gritty sex in it and some good Sardian points about homosexuality and getting married. Yeah, put a bit of grit in your sex. Yeah.

So that's the good thing about this podcast. Do tell all your friends. Do Twitter about it or Facebook about it. Yeah. Or whatever social media you use. Bebo. Bebo, you might do that. Myspace.

Yeah. LinkedIn. All those things. Use those. Friends reunited. And just say to them, say, look. Just chatting on the tube. It's not all

laugh laugh laugh sometimes they have a little serious bit smoke signals in fact tomorrow we've got Nish Kumar on the show tomorrow yeah

who is Nish Kumar exactly exactly well he's going to be on it because he's a friend of ours and we couldn't really get away with not doing it it would have been

terribly rude for us to interview all these well known comics and that and then we've got our friend who's up here who we are very good friends with. I mean, he can vouch for us as a comic. He is great.

Yeah. But I know it seems weird, doesn't it? Yeah. To just have in the middle of these, I mean, we're expecting a chart slip. A drop-off. We're expecting to go down to like 50. Yeah. But that won't be Nish's fault.

That will be everyone else's fault for not knowing who he is. Exactly. It's not Nish's fault if you've not made him famous. Yes. That's not his fault. So that's tomorrow. Thanks for joining us today. I will now leave you

in the capable hands of Ed Gamble who will now promote our show at the Edinburgh Finch. Ed. Our show is called Peacock and Gamble don't even want to be on telly anyway. What time is it on at?

It's on at 9.40pm. At what venue? It's on at the Pleasant's Dome. Dome. Dome. Dome. Dome. Dome. Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome, Dome It's good I'm in control of the stop button, so I'm literally going to... Bye! The Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a Reddit production

hosted by chortle.co.uk, the bastards. Today's guest was Joe Lysett. They're not bastards, they're lovely. And my show is at the Pleasant Courtyard at 8.30, called Sun Lysate Hot. All music by Thomas Fun the Ray, the bastard. See you tomorrow, you bastards. A bit rude from Joe at the end there. We'll see you next time.