The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2012 Episode 21 (Nick Helm)

Episode Date: January 31, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2012 Episode 21 (Nick Helm)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 106 of 128.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble

Peacock and Gamble Cause it's not a Peacock and it's not a Peacock Gamble, but it is right Peacock and it is a Gamble Peacock and Gamble day. Do a kiss on Ray's nice face. Have a feel of Ed's nice bum. Doing a kiss at the Peacock and Gamble house. Come on ladies, it's fun time.

Come down girls to Peacock and Gamble. This is the podcast. The Edinburgh podcast. My name is Ray Peacock and Gamble this is the podcast the Edinburgh podcast my name is Ray Peacock and I'm Ray Gamble and this is the song to welcome you

to the show you know I was genuinely just yeah keep mixing your cold toddy I was genuinely about to attempt a theme tune off the top of my head really

when you cut in just before me how weird it wasn't going to be as filthy as yours mine wasn't filthy what's filthy about it it was all about

girls kissing faces and bums and stuff feel Ed's bum how's that rude yeah very rude very rude mine was just going to be like beegog and gamble

it's beegog and gamble pull up a chair and put the kettle on cause it's rayonock and Gamble. Yeah. Pull up a chair and put the kettle on because it's Ray and Ed in your earphones. Pull up a chair, put the kettle on, listen to the Peacock and Gamble

Edinburgh podcast today. Yeah. See, so there you are, Thomas from the Ray. If you think that you're the one who, oh, I can do music. Yeah.

Well, we can do our own music, mate. Yeah, mate. We just can't be bothered. That's all it is. Exactly. Can't be bothered. Yeah, we just can't be bothered own music, mate. Yeah, mate. We just can't be bothered. That's all it is. Exactly. Can't be bothered. Yeah, we just can't be bothered to get you to do it. It's just we can't be bothered.

Just to let you know, we're under time pressure today because I need a poo. Yeah, and I've got to have a quick wank. Yeah, I really, really need a poo. But we're having fun still. We are. We had a bit of a rough night last night, didn't we? No, our show was lovely last night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we had a bit of a fight night last night didn't we? Not. Our show was lovely last night. Yeah, yeah. But we had a bit of a fighty time, didn't we, in the old Edinburgh City? Yeah, Edinburgh City mate. Had a fight in a couple of bars, mate. Yeah, we did. And both, two Pleasance ones. Yeah. The Courtyard. Yeah. You got in and off with them because they tried to ID you. Yeah, well. Little boy. They tried to

ID me and they ID'd someone I was with and they didn't have their proper ID with them so they just wouldn't get them a drink so I just I didn't stay and have enough with them because the bloke was being passive aggressive

and shirty anyway as if he didn't know that he'd had to work till one in the morning when he took the fucking job you know what if you know that get up later in the day

yeah just sort it out it's the same with me it's what I do gotta do my show later and I then gotta edit the podcast I mean alright they are fun things to do

yeah not you know like what you're dealing with yeah working in a bar is fun you have a lot of people you work with

yeah a load of comedians you're serving a load of comedians yeah who walk up look pissed off that they've had to wait

50 minutes for a drink and when you ID them they slam their driving licence down on the bar yeah and then I had a row in the dome with an equally in my opinion, prick.

Yeah, an equally prick. It was, again, just attitude, man. It was someone that was with us, had got a cashback the night before. The person behind the bar didn't give her the cashback. It's easy done, that can happen. She went back the next day, they wouldn't give her the cashback, but said, come back after ten and we'll give it to you then. Went back after ten, not giving it it to you then went back after ten

not giving it to you again got to fill this thing in and the geezer's coming over just giving it all she shouldn't have told you and she's got a point where it's like

well you think you should apologise and you've not apologised you've just stood there accusing her of being a thief of just saying well you could be anyone could be doing that

and I had a genuine moment where I went my face is all over this fucking place it's not though is it no it's not no hardly any yeah

but there is one right outside the dome yeah there is I was like look I'm easy traced yeah if I've nicked

20 quid yeah I sit by my poster for an hour every night yeah I want to be recognised

if you come out come and say something yeah say no you can't have that 20 pound, but you don't. At the very least, draw some attention to me. Yeah.

So I didn't like him. Yeah, but there's still great... Do come to the dome, because there's still great things. Just don't buy a beer there. No, you can buy a beer there, but when you do, walk off without paying for it. Yeah, yeah. Steal a beer. Yeah, and then text us when you've done that, you've got our numbers or email in or send a post

posted a lighthouse right just saying I've done that I've walked up with a drink we'll tally it up and as soon as it's reached 20 quid back to pay

yeah we're fine yeah we're happy done yeah so if between you you could steal 20 pounds worth of stuff perfect

like from the bar in the dome yeah we wouldn't have a problem with that we're not telling you to do it no we know we'd

never tell you to do that but what we're saying is if you did that yeah we'd have no issue with that and don're not telling you to do it. No, we'd never tell you to do that. But what we're saying is if you did that, we'd have no issue with that. And don't tell us about it either. Oh, don't tell us about it, for goodness sake. Okay.

But we'd have no issue with that at all. We're at sort of T minus four minutes with the old poo at the moment. Okay, okay. But that's what it's called, touching cloth. Touching cloth, yeah. So, the show's great though. It is, yeah, really nice.

We did an extra show last night. Did we? Not ours. Yeah, we did. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. Okay, did an extra show last night did we? not ours yeah we did we did an oh yeah I thought you were saying we sold out

so we did a midnight show at the Grand well unfortunately yeah there were 700 people at the Grand who wanted to see us yeah

we did the Horn Section last night which is Alex Horn and a wonderful band with him yeah the Horn Section

called the Horn Section just really really funny brilliant show it's an amazing show it's a very very good show and it's an exciting and a wonderful band with him. Yep. The Horn Section. The Horn Section. It's called The Horn Section. Just really, really funny, brilliant show. It's an amazing show. It's a very, very good show. And it's an exciting show. Yeah. And it hits all the right beats, in my opinion.

Yeah. Proper atmosphere. Yeah, it really is. Not a forced atmosphere. An amazing band. Yeah. They were all individually very funny as well. We had a great time.

Yeah. We had a great time doing it, but I genuinely felt like we were interrupting something excellent. Yeah, yeah. But we were very good. Oh, it, but I genuinely felt like we were interrupting something excellent. Yeah, yeah, but we were very good. Oh, we were very good. Because I'd done my best running. Yeah, it's a big stage

at the Grand, and we don't normally have, it's 700 seats, and we don't have that sort of room to spread out on our stage. Because we've got our set, and then we basically,

we've got about two centimetres each way to walk. So Ray used that by just running on top speed. Top speed. I was in the wings with Phil Jupitus.

Yeah. And he was goading me. He said, yeah, you really, but he said, but pick a spot. Yeah. Pick a spot to run at.

Yeah. And I only remembered that as I started running. Yeah. And unfortunately, the spot I picked was. Yeah. It had gone by the time

you remembered it. Yeah. It was a fire exit on the other side of the plane. Well, I had to calm you down because when we wait to go on stage somewhere if it's slightly too long

because we saw what we were going to do we talked about it we talked about what we were going to do we'll do this bit this bit this bit from our show

it's going to be really funny we're going to get people in we're going to sell some tickets it's going to be excellent there'll be exit flyer in our bed in two minutes two minutes

we're still waiting to go on that's fine anyone else will be like okay we know what we're doing you'll go I'm going to go and find something to use as an extra prop I'm going to go on that's fine anyone else be like okay we know what we're doing you'll go I'm gonna go and find something to use as an extra prop

I'm gonna go and find something pink so I match the band I'm gonna run all the way across this and I just have to stop you and go mate they don't know who we are

we've not established ourselves they're just gonna think you're an absolute nutcase I was looking at the big bag I found a big bag a big plastic bag but they think

that's part of our act yeah you're right it's not I know it's not. I know, and how did it end? Everything went wrong. We've completely changed it round. It ended with you having a strop, putting the microphone on the floor,

and just walking off in a huff. And then we watched Phil Jupitus end on a massive, big, huge musical thing. Yeah. And I just turned to you and went, we should have done a big ending. Yeah, we should have sacrificed the laughs. He'd just done a song. Yeah, but it was good. It was really impressive.

Yeah, but he'd just done a song though, mate. No, it was a poem. It was a poem set to music. That is a song. No, it's not. What's a song then? A poem set to music is a song. No, a song is a song.

It's a song. Right, and a poem set to music. Is a poem set to music. Song, mate. It's a poem. Get Phil Jupiter to see it, right? I don't know where he went even after that show. He went straight out.

He walked up to the stage. He bought you went straight out he walked he bought you a drink yeah he bought me a drink already he walked straight off right yeah and you went you went

oh good job man and I went yeah that was really good and he went fucking hell and then just walked straight out did he say fucking hell

yeah did he really say it I think he'd been really going for it oh he was just tired he was just warm and like yeah it wasn't like

oh fucking hell they're still here yeah well there's a bit of showbiz backstage gossip for you. Yeah, it's brilliant, isn't it? But I enjoyed doing the whole section. I really enjoyed it.

I loved it. If you get a chance to see it in London or while you're up here. If you see it while you're up here. But, like, don't think you won't make both shows, because you will. Yeah. We're on that. We were told it's a very quick turnaround. We'll be able to run from our venue, soak in wet from our show.

And we were dusting about for 20 minutes. Oh, yeah. Easily. Yeah. Right, so please don't think you won't make it come and see our show be cock and humble

don't even want to be on telly anyway 9.40 Pleasant's Dome Dome yeah and then pop yourself over to the Pleasant's Grand watch a bit of music bit of music

guest acts brilliant fun comedy yeah we're going to have Alex Horne on the podcast but I texted him a month and a half ago

and he didn't text back didn't respond yeah didn't respond in fact don't go his fucking show. Yeah, he's very, very rude. Yesterday, he rang me in the afternoon. Oh, just checking what you're going to be doing.

Checking what you're going to be doing. I don't even know. He's had an accident where he hurt his eye. Yeah. This fringe, which was his own stupid fault. Yeah. But I'm not going to go into that. Yeah.

But anyway, he did do that. Yesterday, he rang me up. Well, just see what you're going to be doing. And I rang him straight back. Yeah. Because I'm not rude. Yeah. I replied to messages Alex Horne.

Yeah. Rang him up, just tell him what we're doing. I said, oh yeah, we're relatively confident we know what we're doing. And he said, well, I am more than confident that you'll do a good job. And I said, yeah, but we've established one thing, this fringe, that your perception is fucking way out. Your idea of what's fine and what's not fine are completely wrong. But he was right, because we were very good.

We were very good. Five stars. So, interview today, Nick Elm. Nick Elm.. Five stars. So, interview today, Nick Helm. Nick Elm. Nick Helm. Oh, Helm. Nick Helm. Nick Helm.

Nick Helm. I love Nick Helm. Why? Because he's one of my favourite comics. Yeah, you can't say that like you're doing a three week review. Come on. Well, he's just one of my favourite comics. I was saying to someone the other day, I went to his show before we interviewed him, but

we'll talk about that. I was saying to someone the other day, if'd seen Nick if Nick was doing shows before I became a comedian and I was just seeing lots of shows at the fringe he'd be one of my favourites. That's a good review

isn't it? Yeah it's a great review. Here's Nick Helm. Nick Helm I'm going for a shit. Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble.

Oh this is nice isn't it? This is lovely we're here with Nick Helm. Hello. Hello Nick how are you? I'm alright yeah.

Hot footed off your stage? Yeah straight off stage got him off his stage put him in his cab. You went Nick, how are you? I'm alright, yeah. Hot footed off your stage. Yeah, straight off stage. Got him off his stage, put him in his cab. You went to it, didn't you? I went to it. Put him in the cab, brought him all the way over here. I went, look, I know you've just been running around for an hour, shouting, being super energetic and very rude boy, but get up them stairs now. And I did. Yeah, you did. Two steps at a time. Yeah, two steps at a time. He took the attacking route.

I think that's idiotic. I don't know why you all do that. We're here, aren't we? We're here. Yeah, you're here, yeah. But let's, you know, you're wheezing and you're drinking water like you've not had it for six years.

I've got the shakes. Exactly, yeah. So, Nick, you be quiet for a minute. Ed, you've just been to Nick's show. Yeah. Can I have your review, please? Yes. Absolutely brilliant.

I loved it from beginning to end. It has a brilliant last bit. I'll do it like a student reviewer. Because, you know, it's a student review is what they do. They do quite a lot about just even before they went into the show. They'll do like, as I approached the venue, I was hopeful that tonight would be an evening of laughter.

I went into the room with two of my friends and there was some dry ice in the room. I had had for my tea pasta from a bowl. Nick was very funny, five stars, all funny bits. Five stars? Five stars. I'll give you that.

Five stars. Wow. I like it. That's very nice. That doesn't really sound like a student review though. What? Five stars? Me too. Right. Did they't really sound like a student review, though. What? Five stars? It'd be two.

Right. They're not lying. I thought it was not a take to you. No. Why? I don't know. The dicks. I think probably when they came, it was a bit of a shit show.

Right. Three weeks have never given me a good review, though. Okay. And they're mainly student reviewers. I think that's what three weeks is, isn't it? Student reviewers? Yeah, pretty much. Well, I think because they decide they're going to review everything,

then they'll just get as many people who want to review stuff as possible. Not a thousand a day, isn't it, to review everything? Not really.

But they maintain that they do, don't they? Yeah, yeah, they maintain that they do, yeah, absolutely. I thought you'd have been right up there

straight, pretty honest. I thought they'd be excited by you. No, young people tend to not like me. Are they scared of you? I don't know.

I think mainly it's because they've never had the shit kicked out of them relationship wise. Right, okay. And so pensioners tend to like me. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Which I think is a good thing. People have been sort of dragged through it life wise. Yeah.

They just think fucking hell. Yeah. Five years left. And this show's got a war theme. Is it a war theme or how would you describe it this show's got a war theme is it a war theme or what

how would you describe it because are you in a war at the moment in your head are you psychologically in a war oh well

if you use war as a metaphor we're all at war aren't we I suppose we are yeah we're at war against the fringe

and war against the other shows and war against ourselves and trying to be Better Than Last Year and all of this other stuff. It's just using it as a general... There you go, title justified.

Nick, this means war, isn't it? Yeah. So do you see us... I'll just go back. You said you're at war with the other acts. Yeah. Do you see us as a war against you? I see all of you as competition

and I want to take you all down. Well, I mean specifically me and Ed. Do you see us as... Oh against you? I see all of you as competition, and I want to take you all down. Well, I mean specifically me and Ed. Do you see us as... Oh, no, not you and Ed. Do you see us as a major threat? Well, I'm at the top of a very tall flight of stairs, so no, I don't. And who knows your ear? No one.

Ed got you in a cab straight away. I didn't tell anyone. With a blindfold on, you didn't. I don't even know where we are, do you? No. You have't tell anyone. With a blindfold on you didn't know. I don't even know where we are do you? No. You've got a muscle. I'm not at

war with you. Who are you at war with? I'm not at Who's your least favourite comedy actor? Let's name some

names now who you feel you're at. You're the general right of the fringe war. Yeah. Right?

Now you what you've done you've looked over the battlefield we're trying to not get too involved yeah you've got a tent you're being given cheese and pork they're sort of overlooking the war where are you on that please nick the queen dome so you're in the dome right so we're looking over to you yeah princess square gonna blins there you know all them gardens and all that that sort of stuff yeah and you're looking we've looking over to you, the Bristol Square, Gullibleans there, you know, all them gardens and all that sort of stuff. Yeah.

And you're looking, we've took you to the top of the dome. Yeah, right to the top of it. Yeah, the very top of the dome, sat on the spike at the top. Not on it,

that'd be horrible. And you're looking over and you go, right, right, who do I need to smite? Right, you've got the big cow there,

which has herring in, so I mean, take him as red. Yeah. Right? Who do you need to smite on the fringe well I'm well out of harm's way

yeah so I just nuke them all just press the button just watch the carnage the trouble is no one will be able to see my show so

people will come to look at it won't they yeah people will come from all around not necessarily in Edinburgh they'll come from all around to look at the destruction

and then he'll be there. Not for like seven years when all the radiation's gone. Oh, so you need to... But then you'll have seven years, you can write like a three-hour long piece ready for them to come. Oh yeah, it'd be brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could do a trilogy in one year. Yeah. A one-year trilogy. And you'd be doing a mess now. Have you seen part one? No, it's part two tonight though. So, and you'd'll be alright with all that death

yeah I think so I think I'll be alright with that good are you angry in real no not really we should explain

that your persona quite a while on stage is kind of shouting it's not even aggressive though is it

because it's sort of coming from it's not even aggressive though is it because it's sort of coming from a lower status oh yeah I think so so it's not a bully character no

it's sort of it's desperation rather than aggression yeah it's desperate but also it would just be nice for the audience from my point of view

for a joke I've got to do a show I haven't got enough material so just laugh at it would you just have a laugh we have a line

in our show where we address the audience not laughing enough and we say it's a deliberately contrived bit I should add

and we say you're just sitting there we're up here doing it metres off wait for God's sake yeah that's it I've always found that you're

on stage you're very angry and shouty aren't you and then you're on stage you're very angry and shouty aren't you yeah that's and then you're one of the gentlest people

I know off stage yeah is that because you are very gentle in real life or because you've just exhausted

all of your sort of hatred and shouting on stage or are you just saving your voice for the next gig just saving my voice right so you are

just angry I can't stand you I've had another brilliant chat with Nick Helm. He's so lovely and quiet. I've often thought he's a lovely little gentle thing. Yeah, no, he's just saving his energy, mate. I'm saving my energy, mate, so I can punch a tourist in the face. Wow.

I think you're a lovely little gentle little teddy. Yeah. I think you come across sometimes like a puff. I am quite effeminate in real life. Oh, yeah? Yeah. In touch with your feminine side? Yeah. Well, no. No? No. I am quite effeminate in real life are you yeah in such a way you're effeminate

in size yeah well no no no I'm a man aren't I got a cock and box yeah I think I'm slightly effeminate

you're sensitive lad I am very sensitive when did you last cry we've asked quite a few guys you know what I cried this morning why is that it's just quite sad though

oh yeah over something that Warren's had cried over Tony Scott yeah because I was on a

film site and there's a picture of Tony Scott and I was just like oh they're just announcing

another film that he's making oh he died and I was just like oh what did he die

of he killed himself that's something that you would have cried at anyway or would you

think the stresses and pressures of the fringe have put you in a more emotionally fragile

I've been quite emotionally fragile for a long time. Yeah. For about seven months trying to get the show together and doing all this other stuff. I really did like Tony Scott. Yeah. I've never been a fan of Top Gun.

No. But The Last Boy Scout, I think, is one of Bruce Willis' non-die-hard masterpieces. Yeah. I think it's amazing. And True Romance is fantastic. And I even liked Unstoppable. Anything thatance is fantastic and Avalight is unstoppable anything that is

on the Dents of Washington is great it's very sad it is really sad we don't have to be laugh machines no why would we put

that pressure on you yeah I love to fucking smash it for an hour he has mate this is backstage yeah let's just wind you back down

oh brilliant let's just bring it we're just coming back into them just bring it down mate tell me about your show today from your point of view obviously not the actual

material but the mechanics of it how did you feel today it's a Monday today when we're recording this yeah to be honest just before I do

every show I think oh I've overdone it this year and I and I kind of think think ahead to how I feel in the hour yeah and then I panic and I think I don't think I I can do it today and then the lights go down when I go on stage I go I've really fucked it and then I do the opening song yeah Yeah. And I feel really lightheaded.

And I feel like I'm going to faint. And I think, like, just get through this. Yeah. And then I get through the opening song. And I think, oh, not everyone's gone for this. This is going to be hard. And then I think, what are the jokes? Just remember the jokes.

Have I said all the bits I'm meant to say? And then I go, that bit never gets a laugh, does it? Why do you say that every day and then I go well you know you're in the middle of Edinburgh I'm sure if you get another run at it

sometime later in London you'll be right on that bit but just get through it now what are the fucking jokes and I do the jokes at the beginning

and then they tend to go alright but sometimes they don't laugh and then I go oh god have I got okay just get the band on

get the band on that's an applause break right there. And then the band come on and I do a song and I do the song and people stare at me and I think, God, this song has not worked once, has it? And then after that song, I go, right, get the man on, humiliate him for a bit. Then do a fucking poem. Fucking poem.

No one has to laugh at a poem. It's brilliant. And then it's just literally like Lego. It's just like chunks and you go right get that out of the way get that out of the way and then you get to the end

and you go that went well that went really well today and it's a surprise and then you get and then I go I get something to eat and I go to bed get to bed by about midnight

and then wake up ridiculously early like 8 o'clock in the morning don't get properly asleep again I try and get back to sleep again

and then it's four o'clock and I think better get over to the dome get on the stage and just think I should have slept more

and then just before I go on stage I think oh what are you doing you haven't got enough energy

and then do the opening song that's gone badly Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble So how many elements have you done Nick?

Thirteen I've done thirteen I worked it out the other day and out of the thirteen I've done eighteen Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. So how many elements have you done, Nick? Thirteen. I've done thirteen. I worked it out the other day. And out of the thirteen, I've done eighteen shows. This is my eighteenth show. What? Something like my fifteenth show in seven years.

Oh, I see. So it's been the last seven years. So in 1997, I did a school production of Romeo and Juliet. Nice. Who were you? I Romeo and Juliet. Nice. Who were you? I was the prince. Nice. Kicked things off and closed it.

Opened and closed. Basically compared Romeo and Juliet. You just winked at us on either side with both eyes there. That was a lovely skill to have. Anyway, Romeo and Juliet. Rooms of Jules. And then I did Tony Harrison's The Passion in 98. Was that with a school school I was with the school

did three with the school right okay they don't really count no they don't do they I didn't write Romeo and Juliet do you not did you add anything to it you might have

you riffed around I might have added a little finger through my flies no so I did three things with my school and then I thought

yeah then I went to university and then when I was at university I really missed going up to Edinburgh. So I wrote a show, like a sketch show. I did that in 2001 and I did another one in 2002. Really? And then I took 2003 off and then I missed Edinburgh again. Lazy. So I wrote another one. and then I missed Edinburgh again lazy so I wrote another one I think I graduated that year

no 2002 I graduated so I just didn't know what I was doing 2004 I did a two a double

a two hander yeah so two lots of stand up no it wasn't even stand up it was just like a self help show that I did nice

with my mate Rob who I met at school so we did school plays together yeah cool and he was in my last two shows and then

oh I took 2005 off amazing and then I wrote a play called Stroke which I did at the Bedlam right

and then the next year I did my first year at stand-up in 2007 and I did a show with Groning McGuire and Sarah Campbell for the Free Fringe

called the Super Great Comedy Good Show. Cool. And the same year I did a piece of sort of comedy and poetry and music similar to what I'm doing now but wasn't really Stand Up called A Third of the Way Down at the Bedlam. Yeah. And the year after that comedy and poetry and music similar to what I'm doing now but wasn't really stand up called

A Third of the Way Down at the Bedlam and the year after that I did a musical that I wrote called I Think You Stink at the Bedlam

I did Helman Taylor in the Argyle with Paul F. Taylor which was a double act and then I compared Comedy O'Clock

with Katie Wilkins Hannah George and Richard Bond and then 2009 I'm starting to see why he's knackered 2009 I did with Katie Wilkins, Hannah George and Richard Bond and then 2009 I'm starting to see why he's knackered 2009 I did A.Caster, Helen Widdicombe live at the Voodoo Bar

which is the worst show with James A.Caster and Anne Widdicombe she was great but we were terrible and I did another poetry show called

Bad Things Happen in Trees and the next year I did Keep Gold in the Gold I would argue we're up to 2015 yeah up to 2010

alright go on then the next year I did Keep Gold in the Gold and the fucking Big Value yeah fucking Big Value

fucking Big Value yeah that is you get paid to go into that it's such good value yeah there's no such thing the fucking big value. Fucking big value. Fucking big value, yeah. That is, you get paid to go into that with such good value. There's no such thing as big value. It's good value. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's too late to pick him up on it now. What the fuck is big value? There's a lot of value here. Actually, that is quite, that maybe makes sense. And then, yeah, so then in 2011 last year

I was in Deadstream which is just one show yeah and this year I'm just doing one show

just makes sense just makes economic sense that is a lot of shows that is too many shows I think

well yeah very human I am literally scraping the bottom of the barrel it's just like people are going

oh yeah we couldn't see your show you should have seen the one five years ago when I still had ideas I'm just recycling it's just like people who go oh yeah we couldn't see your show you should have seen the one five years ago maybe when I still had ideas

it was amazing now I'm just recycling the same shit over and over again what do you want to be? what do you want to do? I want to I don't know really

I just always want to write stuff yeah and I like singing and yeah you want to be a song and dance man

don't you? I want to be a song and dance man like my mum before yeah you want to be a song and dance man don't you I want to be a song and dance man like my mum before me I want to be a singer and dancer but yeah stand up kind of

because I started out writing theatre and stuff like that stand up really just does everything that I wanted to do because you can do what you like

with your hour I find doing clubs quite difficult because it's got to be it's got to still you know look like stand up even if you think it's got to still look like stand-up, even if you think it's a bit different. But, I mean, you saw my show today.

It's about three minutes of stand-up in it. Yeah. And it's awful. I'm sorry. I wouldn't dare to do any of the stand-up in my last three shows in the club. Without in the context of the show as a whole. Yeah. And then, on top of that, none of the songs, I think, work outside the context of the show. Okay. So I've written an album. And then on top of that none of the songs I think work outside

the context of the show. Okay. So I've written an album. But you've got songs that work. So you've got a 20. I've got a 20 but the 20's kind of

stayed the same for the last three years. But that's alright. But that's alright in terms of what you do at Edinburgh because we couldn't go and do any of our shows

in a club really. No. Because in Edinburgh I mean as soon as the doors are open that venue's yours yeah when the audience come in like i have lots of smoke and music like i have like i made and stuff playing before i come on yeah and so and it's quite loud so it makes the audience actually

talk louder at each other yeah which actually energizes them yeah and so by the time you come on stage it's kind of but that's your control but you know you do a gig with a crap comp there and yeah and they go sorry mate what's your name again on the stage and you your control but you know you do a gig with a crap comp there and they go sorry mate what's your name again from the stage and you go and then you go on

and you go it's hard yeah and yeah it doesn't always yeah the stuff from my shows I remember you shouting

to like nine people at download because you went you went on first at download I opened download yeah I was comparing it yeah it was the first time download I opened download yeah I was comparing it

yeah it was the first time I met Nick yeah and I think you asked me as we were walking over you went do you think it'll be alright

we're swearing here and I went it's fucking download yeah I think you'll be fine it's called fucking download but it's called fucking download but then we got to the tent

and no one was in it right it was like like nine people and then it was like now what now do i shout and you did you went and proper shouted shouted at nine goths and then for like 10 minutes i came off stage you go here's your free tickets for aero smith and acdc thank you very much it was brilliant yeah and i said it's a joke oh i opened downloads yeah and people were like

going hey man well done sounds like you're doing really well they thought I was literally on the same stage as Aerosmith yeah it's a nine god no it was nine gods it wasn't it wasn't

did the goths go for it I don't care goths don't go for anything I think it went I think it went alright you did as well

as you could do in the ten thousand people to nine people yeah considering the next year I did Sonosphere and I was on before

what's his name that jackass? Steve-O. Steve-O. Yeah. Yeah. And because I was on before him.

Yeah. There was 1500 people in a tent. Yeah. And I came out and did poems. And they were throwing bottles of

piss at me and stuff. Really? And I was like I'm literally just doing this for the ticket. I don't know what a line up we've got

fucking Biffy Clyro and Weezer and Slipknot are on tomorrow it's just like why would they put it

that was the day Biffy Clyro and Weezer were on like the day before which I missed was the big four

so I missed that so I missed Metallica Megadeth so the day that I went was Biffy Clyro and Weezer and I was so depressed by that I didn't yeah was Biffy Clive and I was so depressed by that

I didn't come back for Slipknot but I wouldn't have come to see Slipknot anyway well I'd do them festivals I'd like to go to them

or I'd just go to them but I don't have anyone to go with I took you I took your son as well yeah he took me son as well but I just watched

the comedy and then I had to go out did you not enjoy the comedy yeah you know the music he went on stage he went on stage you went on stage

I filmed you yeah we did still got the video somewhere. Ray set up with the audience that we were going to be filming something and he did something that we came up with two days before which was a deaf meatloaf tribute act. So it was him singing, you took the words right out of my mouth. And it was thousands of people. Yeah, with...

Thousands of people. But just go... I don't know what I have in my mouth. I might have been what you're looking at me. We've got a film of me just swinging the camera around and he's there holding a big sort of napkin. With thousands of people clapping. With thousands of people clapping along.

As if they don't even realise. Did it go down well? Weirdly, yes. Yeah. Well, they went for it because it was music. But we had set it up. We'd set it up to film it.

I did music. They just hated me. Really? Yeah. Which is good. I'd done a whole comedy before it. Yeah. I'd done like a headline set before it.

And then just at the end I said, we really want to film this thing and we're unlikely to be able to get this many thousand people again to film this thing. And're unlikely to be able to get this many thousand people again to film this thing and it looks ace yeah it looks really good

there's one moment in the middle of it this will mean they'll all start asking me to put on YouTube again and I'm not going to yeah it is too offensive

it is very offensive but there's just one bit where you swing the camera in front of me and I crack a slight smile and it really annoys me yeah it ruins it a little bit it's like because I'm

totally in the character that we've created there's a moment where it ruins it a little bit it's like because I'm totally in the character that we've created there's a moment where it comes around and just literally there's a hint of a smile that's over my face and it ruins it completely

but you can't help doing that because there was thousands of people and there was a camera and they were like going crazy for a Deaf Meat Love tribute yeah

and they wouldn't have seen it from the stage and you're just being a perfectionist it's for the film though the film ruins the film ruins the film that's why I won't put it

on YouTube well not because it's me doing it it's a simple easy way to solve it isn't it what perfectionist. It's for the film though. That's why I won't put it on YouTube. It's a simple easy way to solve it isn't it? Millions of pounds on CGI.

It's a very simple and cool way of solving it. Pick up and gamble. Pick up and gamble.

Your taste in music probably informs your act more than any other comedy act. Yeah because you get asked who influences you

doing comedy. I like comedy, but I don't think that the comedy that I like really directly influences my act. Except for, I was thinking about this, I think Harry Hill is probably very, you know, although it's different,

it's kind of similar. The jokes and just the silliness. But I'm just not selling it the same way. But I think there's that. But then the actual thing is probably the main influence is Alice Cooper. Yeah. I like Alice Cooper. Have you seen it in 3D?

What's that? What? The one that you did at... Where was it? It was about to see... It was a Halloween one. I didn't see it. I've been to see

his last two Halloween shows we've got to see his first Wembley because he did the Roundhouse in 2009 yeah was it no in 2010 he did the Roundhouse

2011 he did Alexander Palace which was amazing which is bigger though yeah and now I want to see Slayer there with Trent

yeah really good it's fucking amazing it's an amazing venue the problem with the Roundhouse is it's a small room it's an amazing venue the problem with the roundhouse is it's a small room it's a smaller venue and the floor is flat

so if you're short you can't when he got guillotined it was at head height so no one could see it he's just like going wow something's happening and we couldn't see anything

but at Ellerslie Palace you could see it all and initially he was at Wembley which is even bigger so it's really good. But Alice Cooper, yeah, it's amazing.

Well, I've got it. I've got it on 3D. He watches it all the time. See, are you able to make a copy of that? Because they did another one at Halloween. The Alexandra Palace one

that I was at was the one that they showed on Halloween night. Yeah. Arthur Brown came on at the very end and sang Fire. Yeah, and it was brilliant.

And he kind of just went, there he is. Yeah. He had his head on fire. And it's sang fire. Yeah, and it was brilliant. And he kind of just, there he is. He had his head on fire. And Steve's going, here you go, I'll let him take the centre stage, don't set me on fire again. And also he comes out proper slow without fire. Yeah, because he's bouncing it on his head. I am genuinely on fire.

Why did I make the hat out of metal? I like the theatrics of it of metal I like the theatrics of it and I like the theatrics especially when you're watching them on the HD telly in 3D

yeah because they fail dramatically when it's focused properly in the audience it's fine when it's properly

focused on it it's like god look at that woman he's got only women bleeders singing that and she's on his knee as a dummy of a woman

it's the worst time I can see guffer tape. Yeah, when he comes out with these spider arms. Yeah. And they're all on kind of like fishy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one of them's been broken for three years. They haven't fixed it and you just think, come on, guys, just do it back on.

I like that, though. I really like that. That's what I love about it. It's just amazing. Yeah, when you're in the audience. But when you're in the audience, because you're getting swept away with it, it's like watching pantomime. I really like that. That's what I love about it. It's just amazing. Yeah, when you're in the audience. But when you're in the audience, because you're getting swept away with it, it's like watching pantomime.

Yeah, of course. Because I collect all those DVDs and stuff. So when you're watching a DVD, you go, yeah, it's not as good as being in it. Of course not. But it's a nice little reminder. But yeah. But that's why it's good in 3D.

It's the 3D good. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's great, yeah. It's filmed properly in 3D. No, it's nice. I've met him. Have you? Sure

where did you meet him at? I met him in 2005 at the Brighton my ex-girlfriend asked me back out we were getting in the interval between Justice Sister and Alice Keeper

and I was just like this is the best day ever and then at the end of the gig my mate was like do you want to go and meet him and I was like what? and it was like

Waynesville we had the laminated passes and we were going to. And then we, we met him and, yeah, never meet a hero.

No, you mustn't though, you mustn't. I was working PR like the next year and he was talking to Tim Rice and Tim Rice was wearing a line, it was at a,

a reward ceremony and I was getting drinks for him. Yeah. And Tim Rice was wearing a line and he was like, I said, can I get you getting drinks for people and Tim Rice was wearing a line of vintagel I said

can I get you anything to drink and Tim Rice was like oh I'd love a couple of

glasses of champagne and Alex Cooper was like can I have a Diet Coke and I went off and got

them and I gave Tim Rice two flutes of champagne and he was like oh thank you so much

oh that's so kind of you thank you very much that's absolutely oh that's so kind of you thank you very much that's absolutely oh that's one of the kindest things that ever happened

I came out of school for his diet coke and he didn't even break conversation he's just like fucking hell mate I met you I met you a year ago

didn't you you've forgotten who got you who got you this diet coke mate he's like I was curious so you did blaps on on 4 yeah that are on I've got you in this diet coke, mate! I was like, I was curious. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble

So you did blaps on 4? Yeah. That are on YouTube, is that right? Are they on YouTube? Are they on Channel 4 Online? They're on Channel 4 Online, I think that is the official place that you're meant to go and see it. But they're on YouTube. Yeah, they sneak across, don't they? You can find them on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Are you doing more of them? No, I think that was my stint at the blaps. They were nice. They were nice, yeah.

I was really proud of them. Yeah. And very, very well made. Yeah, really well made nice yeah I was really proud of them yeah and very very well made yeah really well made yeah and you were in them I was in them you were in them doing the thing

and they did the old blaps yeah they were all blaps do you know what blap means no no don't I they

talked to baby cow I did them with baby cow and Henry Norman with baby cow was like just use your three best things right and we'll make them and I was like okay do that and so I like, just use your three best things. Right.

And we'll make them. And I was like, okay, do that. And so I was just thinking, what are my best things? What are my best things? So I thought, oh, I really like that one. Yeah. And I really like that poem. I really like that song.

I'm going to do my best ones. I'll do my best ones and we'll make them into these blaps. Because blap sounds a bit like blips. Yeah. And I thought, oh, it's probably like a techno thing. And then Channel 4 came in and they said, oh, yeah, thanks for making the blaps. And every time she says blaps, she flinches.

I was like, what does blap actually mean? She said, it's when you smack someone around the face with an erect penis. And I was like, this is my best stuff! It's just like, this is my best poem that I ever wrote and I'm giving it to an erect penis. That's horrible. Well, apparently they were just using it as a temporary name, and then they had to write a press release.

And then they just said, well, we've been calling it Blatch for three years. Let's just call it Blatch. Well, we're doing ITV2's Donkey Punches. Is that a real thing no alright so no more of them

well I don't know I will make some more of you mate I've got a video camera yeah he's got a video camera we can do one oh I'd love to do that yeah

we can gamble felches felches yeah we'll do some felches on the internet oh great I like felches what's that sounds like a techno

yeah hip hop music our first felch is going to be you and Alice Cooper in a room just really having it out you're going to get the chance

it's you surrounded by Diet Cokes and he gets strapped to the wall and you just throw Diet Cokes at Alice Cooper don't even open them

just chucking fans of Diet Cokes I'm not deciding it I think we just need to put them in just a white room nothing in it you can't even tell where the door is you might not be able to tell but the felches don't have the highest budget Yeah, just chopping pounds of diet coke. I think that's siding it. I think we just need to put them in just a white room. Yeah. Nothing in it.

You can't even tell where the door is, really. Yeah, so you might not be able to tell, but the Felchers don't have the highest budget. Yeah. You'll be in the white room, right? You'll wake up like sore. Yeah. Right? But you won't be tied to nothing.

You'll be there. Ice Cooper will be there. Now, I don't know how long it's going to take you to speak to each other, but we'll wait. Yeah. We'll wait, and we'll see what happens. And what we don't want you to do, Nick, is to go into aggressive and say,

you didn't speak let him see see how he approaches you yeah if he's got nothing else in that room Tim Rice isn't in that room I'll be a landscaper for a minute I'll be a landscaper now

just just right just let him come to you and if it gets to the point where you can bring up any old any old memories then go for it

go for it but build to it but just we'll just alright I'm in a room now come to him right oh what's happening man the old memories then go for it go for it but build to it but we'll just alright I'm in a room now right oh what's happening man

oh this is crazy oh it's more like Otis Redding look did I say I could do him no you didn't

I'm just doing my best with what I've got alright okay my my what's happening here that's on stage in real life it's softly spoken you wouldn't know he's never spoke to you right here we go right My, my, what's happening here? That's on stage. In real life, he's softly spoken.

You wouldn't know he's never spoke to you. Right, here we go, right. Okay. Oh, what's happening there? You never thanked me for the Diet Coke! Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble. It's really upsetting you telling me about that, Alistair. Oh, no, but I figured... Because he has a reputation of being a very, very nice man.

He is, he's one of the nicest men in my life. you telling me about that oh no because he has a reputation of being a very very nice man he is he's one of the nicest men in my life isn't he Johnny Godbotherer Johnny Godbotherer isn't he

he's is he no he's not born again is he no he's not born again I think he is he's converted Christian yeah

and yeah and he's a teetotaler and he plays golf did that has that affected your appreciation of him? do you know what, well I read his autobiography Golf Monster

Golf Monster and do you know what it was so I mean I love him but it was so lazily written and every other chapter was about golf I mean, I love him. Yeah. But it was so lazily written. And every other chapter was about golf. And I would read anything. I'll be honest, mate, it was called Golf Monster.

Were the other ones about monsters? I would have read... It was chapter one, Sand Wedge. Chapter two, Frankenstein. I mean, he has said what he's doing here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't get a gardening book. to Frankenstein I mean he has said what he's doing here yeah yeah you can't get a gardening book

it's all about flowers well I've read Johnny Cash I've read Cash by Johnny Cash and he talks about his religion but he talks about

it in quite an organic way and it doesn't feel like he's like cramming it in for but I felt with Golf Ponsuit it was a little bit like hey guys

you like the music why don't you come to church and I felt it was a bit bit like, hey guys, you like the music? Yeah. Why don't you come to church? Oh, okay. And I felt it was a bit like he was trying to enlist people. Have you read... It actually put me off him for about eight months

and I had to kind of get back into his music really slowly. Really? Yeah, don't listen. The thing is, it was a book that was filled with

all of the anecdotes that if you're a fan... Of golf. If you're a fan of Alice Cooper, you've heard these anecdotes. Yeah. But you've heard them he didn't flesh them out and I was like

hoping that because he'd written it he'd just be like this is how I felt when I wrote this song and this is what my mind space was like when this album got created but it's just kind of like oh and then we did Schools Out oh and then we did that and it just kind of glazes over everything but I have the same thing when I read

autobiographies of comedians. Particularly, I think, well you just skipped over that. Quite a lot of them will go, and I did a gig above a pub. Next year I was famous. And I want to just go, but how did that bit happen? But that's publishing intervention.

That's that same. That's why a lot of comics will start, certainly I've not read any for a while, but in the olden times comics, old a lot of comics will start certainly I've not read any for a while but in the olden times comics olden days comics would start with them being famous

and then they'd backtrack and they'd go back because people want you to get to the point where you're who they know did you reject

Dean's Thanks for Nothing no that's amazing because I tell you for a while it's about 400 pages long. Yeah.

So you can zip through it. Very little golf. That's why I loved it. The first 100 pages, you get the feeling that he's getting into it. Yeah. So it's almost like he's writing material. Yeah. And it's a little bit like, oh, stop trying to be funny.

Yeah. And then after the first 100 pages, he doesn't try to be funny. And he just opens up and you realise what a lovely man he is yeah and you get to you kind of through the book you get to know what sort of person he is

and then it just takes you right up to the point where he started doing stand up yeah and it's about all of his different career choices before he got up to doing stand up so it stops just

oh okay so it's like oh I know his career so this is it Stephen Fry did the same yeah he did My Wife is My Washpot and it was just none of it's about him my wife is my wash part none of it's

about him being famous it's all before that it was just really interesting and he comes across really

well I want to get said a bit but I prefer being involved well Steve Martins is very short

it's great with his he goes and then I went back there the next year and there were 20,000 people there. But you get the impression that it just literally was that fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's how it happened. Yeah. And there was a lot of, when that book came out, a lot of comedians on our circuit, like, have you read the Steve Martin book? He was like, yeah.

How are we meant to relate? Well, you're not really, but it's quite an inspirational story to read it and to find out how Steve wanted it I thought it sounded like a really interesting book

well Nick thank you very very much especially for rushing from your stage yeah thank you no thank you I couldn't imagine rushing off my stage

and spending time with two nicer people thank you mate see that's what it's like in real life lovely lovely little that did sound

really insincere then no I believe every single second. Well, I do mean it, because I wouldn't do this for anyone, but I did it for you. Thank you, mate. Thank you. Thank you very much for having me. I enjoyed it.

Told you, lad. Lovely lad. Puff. Pickle can gamble. Pickle can gamble. Nick Helm there. Nick Helm. Poo help?

Poo help? No, I've not had a poo, because we actually record this straight after we've done the intro. Yeah, so you're still in a poo amazingly you've all listened to Nick Helm but no time has

passed for us nothing's happened to us at all you're still drinking your cold tea I tell you what I wasn't expecting that what

just hit my throat did you not hit my throat there yeah what happened I've got lemon juice and honey and a little literally a splash of JD

yeah in it and it just took my throat it took me away. Oh, sorry, mate. I can't speak for the rest of this. Right, okay.

Well, that's it. We're wrapping up anyway. That was Nick Helm there, the lovely Nick Helm. We'll be back tomorrow with... Hurt me, that. Al Murray guest tomorrow. Is it Al Murray tomorrow? I believe so.

Might be. All right, might be Al Murray. Right, it's going to be Al Murray. Yeah. Or it's going to be Iman. Yeah. Or it's going to be Angela Barnes okay

so look forward to that yeah all good all good equally good cuts and we've got a very good surprise guest for our last show

oh yeah we have on this podcast yeah very good surprise I don't think it's Les Dennis as we mentioned the other day

yeah because it's still not a bat from his people yeah so I like Les Dennis but his people are like Alex Horde yeah

his people we are 100 of his people right yeah we can do a podcast not one of them even bothered

to get butt holes oh make me laugh right I'm going for a shit see you tomorrow see you tomorrow go the Peacock and Gamble

Edinburgh podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk. Today's guest was Nick Helm. And my show is Nick Helm, This Means War, 5.30 at the Queen Dome. All music by Thomas Funberay. See you tomorrow.

Why did they stop? Yeah, he got it. He got it. Why did they stop there? He did get it. Right.