The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 11 (Alex Horne)

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 11 (Alex Horne)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 123 of 128.

Pico and Gamble Edinburgh podcast. Did you call it the Breadinburgh podcast? Breadinburgh podcast, is that not a thing? The Breadinburgh festival happens somewhere else, it's a bread festival. Why do we never get asked to perform at the bread and brew festival well neither of us are bakers i mean you could do a bake definitely i could probably knock a scar you could make you could knock a scone up you would know where to start with the scone flour right that okay you would know exactly where to start

with the scone margarine margarine guessing why are you guessing margarine? Salt. Butter, probably. I'd go margarine for cooking. For cooking? Mm. Why would you go mar... Are you thinking like a housewife in the war? I don't know. I seem to recall that I, Ray Peacock, when I was at school... Yeah.

...would often use margarine in cookery. Yeah, they still had rations then when you were at school. There was no such thing as... That's the point. I live in an age of decadence. That's you, Ed Gamble, innit? Decadent Ed Gamble, traditional Russian rape eagle. That's where we've arrived at. So here we are, back in the saddle. Back in a saddle. Because you done it on your own yesterday, I heard. Done it on my own, I think it went rather well.

It was good actually. A lot of people are calling it the best bit of podcast ever. Really? Yeah. Well, I listened back to it last night because it was up quite late. It went on iTunes and I enjoyed it. Yeah. I did a cameo. You did a little cameo.

And I think you can hear I was a little bit blue. Just because you weren't around and my friend wasn't there. Oh, really? They made you sad? Yeah, of course. Well, because I've been in hospital hospital but let's not worry about all that no I'm not no no no one is

no one's bothered about it mate could not give an SHIT do you know what I genuinely in my head this afternoon I had a little sleep

this afternoon because I've got to and I had a little sleep this afternoon and I was falling asleep I thought do you know what I bet I get a standing ovation tonight

yeah that's what I thought well before being in hospital no like coming back and doing the show again yeah you didn't

didn't no it's almost as if people didn't know or care it was like they weren't asked at all about what I've been through to be there

it's almost like that's the truth yeah yeah I'd give you a standing ovation mate cheers mate you did didn't you

yeah I think we cuddled on stage more tonight than normal we did I'd like to look after you yeah

what sort of things have you missed about me when I've been in hospital I know what I've not to look after you. Yeah, a bit of support's going to go well. Yeah. What sort of things have you missed about me when I've been in hospital? I know what I've not missed. What? What you did the morning of when you had to go into hospital. Did I really do that? Because I wasn't sure when I was in the hospital

because I was a bit spaced out. You know exactly what you did. I'm not sure I did that, you know. You know exactly what you did. I was getting changed in my room. Yeah? With the door open a little bit. So who's the... Now, now. Yeah. If we're in a court... Yeah. With the door open a little bit. So who's the...

Now, now. Yeah. If we're in a court... Yeah. I know what your question's going to be and you know what the answer is. They'll go, right. Were you asking for it?

They wouldn't, mate, because it's not Victorian times. So what happened? I'll tell the listener what happened. I was getting changed. Just T-shirt. Just changing my T-shirt. You had no top on, ladies and gentlemen.

No top on. No top on at all. So that's fine. Just t-shirt. Just changing my t-shirt. He had no top on, ladies and gentlemen. No top on. No top on at all. So that's fine. No top on. Because... Acting all innocent like no one was watching. The way I change my top,

there is a point where I will have no top on. Yeah, flirting. Because I can't... Yeah, flirting or just science. I can't change my top without a bit in the middle where I have to have a top off.

Well, it depends what sort of person you are but if you're a prick, that's... Right. Tell me how you change your top without ever being naked on the top. I shut the door. top off. Well, it depends what sort of person you are, but if you're a prick, too, that's... Right. Tell me how you change your top without ever being naked on the top. I shut the door.

I shut the door, mate. Yeah, but you still need... Yeah, but sorry, your door was open. I shut the door. All right. But if you didn't shut the door, would you expect at any point to turn around and see me or anyone else at the door

literally trying to wank their pee? Yeah. Possibly, mate. Possibly. It was a sexy lad like you. No. It obviously wasn't sexy to you because you were completely limp.

You were doing it... No, that wasn't completely limp. You were doing it for the joke that I was changing my T-shirt, turned around, and you had your penis out and you were pulling on it. Actually pulling on it, yeah.

Yeah, you were pulling on it like it was an emergency call on a train. I'm making all the noises. Yeah, and sorry, £200 fine. Improper use of your emergency cord. I'm sorry for that, mate. But I paid for it. You didn't pay for it.

I did pay for it, mate. I ended up in hospital. You did, that's true. Because of that. Maybe it's because you pulled it so hard. About an hour later, yeah. Pulled it so hard, I knackered my kidneys again.

Because your knob, of course, is attached to your kidneys that's I believe that's true well I believe that's true as well I believe that is the case but we are we are known as a couple of pricks

yeah so if we believe that it's probably not true yeah that's true as well so I went to the hospital Bintle hospital what do they call them again

hospital they were very good you know I should give them a shout out all the chicks at the Royal Infirmary. You should, definitely. At Edinburgh. I had a good flirt with them in that. Yeah.

Turn into a little boy, as you do when you're in a hospital. Do you? Do you turn into a little boy? I'm very much, I'm sorry, thank you, sorry. Oh, no. Oh, no, sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry about my penis being out.

She's like, it's fine. I told you to get it out. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You were just changing top. Yeah. You say that? It's all about my penis being out of me.

There was one bit, right? Do you know what? There was one bit. The bellend. That's my favourite bit. Yeah. There was one bit when I was in the cubicle that you put your in, right? Yeah.

And it's got like a sheet that you pull to over there. Yeah. Where they left me on a bed. I've got to say, they genuinely left me, but they left me on a bed,'ve got to say they genuinely left me but they left me on a bed right with that open yeah but there were about 40 people just there

yeah some of them in chairs facing my cubicle I should have come down we should have done our show we could have done our show not a bad night selling that but Emma Knobbell

yeah do you know about yeah right okay and I had to cover it all up like fast she went out really fast and opened the thing I was like man Knob's still out

maybe that's the fringe show what Ray gets his Knobbell no just anyone they say by by Like fast. She went out really fast and opened the thing. I was like, my knob's still out. Maybe that's the fringe show. What, Ray gets his knob out? No, just anyone. They say, buy tickets and come down to the hospital

and then we will whip out the curtain and you see whatever is going on. Whatever's happening. It was me sat there, mate, all my fat scotched up and my knob out. Yeah.

And not in a great way. There was a review from the Scotsman there. What did they say? One star. Oh, God. One star is all it would take to cover this knob up. That's still better than last year. So, look, anyway, I'm all right, I think.

But we're taking it a bit easier. Yeah. So there might be... We've not discussed this properly yet, but we'll discuss it now on the podcast. Yeah. About what we're going to do about the podcast. Yeah.

Because I'm three ahead at the moment. Yeah. So we've only got to record the intros and outros. For three of them. So I've got Alex Horne today. Yeah. I've got, for tomorrow, I have Ed Byrne. Yeah.

Might be two ahead. I'm two ahead. Two ahead. Because I lost Gary Delaney. Yeah. And Gary Delaney's... The podcast, not the blog. No, he's fine.

He's still doing his show, as far as I'm aware. Yeah. Which I think is 9.45 at Pleasant Square. Yeah. But he's not returning my calls. I feel really I'm aware. Yeah. Which I think is 9.45 at Pleasant Square. Yeah. But he's not returning my calls. I feel really bad about it. Yeah. Because his file corrupted.

And it was a really, really good interview. But it's gone and I can't retrieve it. It was really funny. Yeah. We had a right laugh with Gary. Yeah. Really, really nice. And it's gone.

Gary, if you're listening, you're probably not. He's probably still sulking with me. But it's not my fault. I'm sorry. I know I went to hospital. Yeah. You did go to hospital. I've been in hospital, Gary, two days, so, had to have a CT scan this morning.

Gary. Popped me for a donut, Gary. So, yeah, done all that. It's quite hot. Have you ever had a CT scan? No. Does anybody know if it's meant to be hot? Because I've had one before, and I don't remember it being hot last time, and this time, it

was really hot. Maybe you were just hot. No, it was specifically hot all around my tummy penis area. Tummy penis area. That's where they were scanning all that. Is it the big magnet? Is it that one? I don't know.

It's a circle. It's a donut. Does it go... Does it like clank? It goes, hold your breath. Right. Breathe normally. And then does it make whirring noises and clanking noises?

I don't remember it doing that. All right. I know that when I first got to it, there was a laser pointing right at my head, like the Incredible Hulk. That, mate, that. That isn't part of it. No, there was. And that happened, right?

And then I looked up and it said, warning, don't look at the laser. I looked right at it. Oh, mate. So I don't know if I'm the Hulk now or not. Can you see me or not? See. How many fingers am I holding up? You're not, mate. No, you're not, are you? Are you or not? Ten. Oh, mate. So, I don't know if I'm the Hulk now or not. Can you see me or not? See you. How many fingers am I holding up? You're not, mate.

No, you're not, are you? Are you or not? Ten. Oh, shit. So, sorry about that, Gary, but I have called you and left you messages and stuff. I know you're a busy lad, but I'm really, really sorry.

I feel dreadful about it. Yeah. They may be less frequent. They may be. We don't know yet. It's not definite, but there might be some days we just take days off here and there

because the workload's getting a bit silly, isn't it? Yeah. We don't want yet. It's not definite, but there might be some days we just take days off here and there because the workload's getting a bit silly, isn't it? Yeah. We don't want you doing any more damage to yourself. When I say that, I mean literally dying. Yeah.

Because you've already done damage to yourself. That'd be quite exciting, though, do you not think? No. I'd get to review that. If I died, mate, you'd be in all the papers.

I don't want to be in all the papers because you died. You'd be brilliant. I'm not even having a joke about this. Do a solo show. I don't want to do a solo show because you died. If you died, I'd give it two nights off having a joke about this do a solo show I don't want to do a solo show because you died

if you died I'd give it two nights off then I would go back with a solo show but a lot of it would be about you right alright fair enough

and I'd probably win an award for what I don't know bravest boy bravest boy on nice and sensitive comedy best friend

yeah best friend tribute yeah if I die mate I've two nights off then go and do the rest of it no I'd go home mate you know what I probably would I'd go on holiday I'd go abroad've two nights off then go and do the rest of it no I'd go home mate you know what I probably would

I'd go on holiday I'd go abroad somewhere same same I'd go to Spain alright I'd try not to die well I guess there's Alex Horne this was another thing that put a message

well this went smoothly oh it was a fucking nightmare it really was the batteries kept going and on the recorder thing you'll hear about it I'm sure it was a nightmare

do you know what even though the synth is really good there was a better one yeah there was a better one that you'll hear about it I'm sure it was a nightmare do you know what even though this interview is really good there was a better one yeah there was a better one that you'll never hear that was never recorded

because the batteries weren't yeah but Alex Alex stayed he was here for a couple of hours wasn't he yeah he wore my voice out and then made me collapse

but this is a really nice interview our show is called Heartthrobs it's 9.45pm every night Pleasant's Courtyard hopefully every night and for those Courtyard. Hopefully every night. And for those people that bought tickets for Sunday,

really, really sorry. It was unavoidable. And we didn't like pulling a gig. That wasn't very nice at all. But we had no choice in the matter. Although, weirdly, I got out of hospital about 9.20pm. Yeah. And felt like I could do the show.

Yeah. But we couldn't have done. But I had a euphoria. Plus, I was already drunk by that point. It was fucking leather when I got home. How much you cared about me as Alex Horne? Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Right, let's try again.

Morning. I'm here with Alex Horne. Hi. Right, don't get angry. It's not Alex's fault, is it? It's not not Alex's fault. Well, it isn't not not. I mean, it is.

It isn't. I mean, it isn't. It isn't. Right, we have interviewed, I reckon, over ten't. Not. I mean, it is. I mean, it isn't. Right, we have interviewed I reckon over ten people so far. Not one of them has broke the equipment. Do you think it's because Alex is around the tenth person we've

interviewed and we've not charged up the recorder? I just gave it a gentle tap. I'll tell you what, this is a serious point to task them who make our equipment it's a bit stupid isn't it

to have something that can run out of battery that doesn't then save what you've recorded yeah that's true it should shut itself down automatically yeah it should use

that last little bit of battery to save and shut down well maybe you should every minute or two just stop and save just stop and save then I've, every minute or two, just stop and save. Just stop and save. Then I've got 100 files.

Maybe now, just stop and save this bit. We've got it. Right. Yeah? It's a good thing if he's going on with all his nonsense. Yeah. You're talking about me, isn't it? That's your act, yeah.

They're making stop and save. Stop and save. Yeah, and you've got it. Yeah, for example, when you're talking about your horny section. Horn section, the horn section. Whatever it's called. You could do a Late Night Blue version. We were hoping to.

The horny section. Yeah, we were thinking about that. Maybe you could book us on that. I don't think so, not this year. No, we're not. Why were you not bookers anymore? Well, it's the drummer and the bassist and the trumpet don't like it. And the saxophone didn't like it when you were on there.

I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was absolutely... You did. You were all right with it, weren't you? I thought you did. You tried really hard. And I thought...

No, you're not on it because, as you know, you were the best. Yeah. So we're going to look else... We've got fresh people this year. What's wrong with us, though? Nothing wrong. Do you not think we injected a bit of fun into your show? Yeah, it's not we've got fresh people this year. What's wrong with us though? Nothing wrong. Do you not think we injected a bit of

fun into your show? Yeah, it's not about that though this year, this year's more sort of It's quite dour. Yeah, it's very,

yeah. I keep saying dour but the Scots say doer, and they keep telling me off. We are having like a serious bit quite often,

just a musician coming on and singing, singing like a proper musician singing a proper song and it's quite nice. Yeah. Just having a break from all this funny stuff. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lady called Gwyneth Herbert on us and she musician singing a proper song and it's quite nice just having a break

from all this funny stuff yeah there's a lady called Gwyneth Herbert on us no it's just a jazz singer and she was great and everyone's oh phew

no one's trying to be funny for a bit but what do you do then because you have to sit I sit on a little umpire's chair behind her yeah so I mean you on an umpire's chair

is probably enough yeah so there is that angle yeah watching a jazz singer yeah but I was really it's nice when you're in a show

and you sort of you think oh this is good she was talented yeah it's quite a relief I know I imagine that's brilliant

to be in a show and think this is good must be brilliant it's such a relief should we explain for the listener what the horn section is no

I don't think we should I think I like this I like this I think it's kooky yeah i'm not we're not even going to tell you what we're on about yeah they've got google if they've got this they've got google yeah put a horn into google yeah put a horny horny section horny boys they're all boys um we get called the horn selection a lot yes which annoys me because that's not a part like there's no such thing as a horn selection.

I mean, I have to tell you that last year, because we're with the same management, one of the flyers at the pre-Fringe drinks said to Ed, you know, you should go on, the horny selection. Yeah. Yeah, it's not... All wrong. We had the horn movement, someone said yesterday. The horn movement?

What does that mean? Nothing. Well, maybe it's got to be a bigger show. It needs to be a pun. How's horn section a pun? Because the horn section is a part of the orchestra. Why is it a pun? Because my name's Horn.

I thought it was just the same thing, wasn't it? Alex Horn. Yeah, but that's still a play on words, isn't it? A play on words, it's the same word. No, Alex's name's got an E at the end. No, it's not. I'm sick of this being a thing, isn't it? Play on words, it's the same word. No, Alex's name's got an E at the end. No, it's not. I'm sick of this

being a thing, isn't it? It's like your show, Peacock and Gamble, it's a sort of pun on... Go on, that way. What's the... Shopping centre, is there a shopping centre

with peacock in it? Peacock. I always thought that's what it was. That's got a fruit machine in it. Yeah. I'm going to go up the peacock and gamble yeah

it's not that Alex it's not that peacock and gamble peacock and gamble do you know what you're doing? it's a big question isn't it? well what I mean is I've always thought of you

I've always thought of you thank you that's quitting and when do you mainly think about me as well? during the show exactly yeah so imagine if I was there then you wouldn't have to worry about me yeah I'd just be there about me as well during the show exactly yeah so imagine if I was there

then you wouldn't have to worry about me yeah I'd just be there doing it you've seen the show haven't you come along to my show

this year I have I did see I did see your show the bathroom I know you were very nice about it

Peacock that's alright right yeah you were really lovely about it you made you know

you can catch someone at a sort of that time in the fringe where you're not feeling particularly confident and you were really very nice I loved it though

I did love it and that was before our show I can't talk about that quite tight relatively tight when we were doing Emergency Corker sat back right

wouldn't you I remember by the exit I adored it when I'd come in just like that and then yeah

but it was an amazing show but that was when I started I remember thinking during that show that you look like you shouldn't be doing it but you're very good at it you're very very funny but when I watch it it doesn't look like you should be doing it what do you think he looks like he should be doing?

it just looks like he's stumbled into a show I think I'm more a lecturer than a stand up that's what I look like I'd go as far as saying a like. I'd go as far as saying a replacement lecturer. I'd go as far as saying somebody who comes in. I haven't done it for a while.

You take tutor groups. No, I don't accept tutors. You don't do the lectures, you take tutor groups. Occasionally I have to do it in front of a hundred people and it's a challenge. I don't think I know that I'm doing that. Do you ever find a lot of people hum during your show? By hum you mean noise.

Yeah, that's happened. That has happened, yeah. You go, Peacock, what are you doing? I go, I'm not doing nothing. I'll do it, I'll show you what I'm doing. So I, is that what? Peacock, are you making a gamble? I'm not making a noise.

Well, I can hear a noise. That is new, I can see. You have to keep doing it. Because when you talk, when you talk a noise. Well, I can hear a noise. That is new. I can see. You have to keep doing it. Because when you talk, when you're doing it now, that's you. Well, there we go. Stop.

Yeah, that happens a lot. But I don't mind it. Peacock and Gamble. Peacock and Gamble. I get so paranoid when I go on stage sometimes that someone's got in there before I've got there and organised there's a horrible prank that you can

find online, I can't remember who did it it's on College Humour I think it might be something to do with Jake and Amir who are these online pranksters the best and one of them's doing a stand up gig but the other one got there earlier and went on stage and said

when he comes on you've you just be be completely silent oh that's horrible and he goes and does five minutes and just basically

has a breakdown to absolute silence did he not smell a rat no he just thought it was a terrible gig that can happen up here like you could imagine

a gig like that yeah because it's so weird I don't know about you I find the audience every night just completely different the audience becomes a character yeah and that you

just say yeah they were that was a good audience yeah yeah they just seem to ed gets quite aggressive with audiences though do i yeah you go oh yeah oh do i i've heard it as well yeah we did a tour gig at um i want to say roehampton but i always get it wrong yeah roehampton say Roehampton, but I always get it wrong. Yeah, Roehampton. It was Roehampton University, right? Horrible, right? I've had a bad experience at Roehampton. Horrendous, right? But,

there was a lad in the audience shining a laser pointer in our faces. In our eyes. It was not great. During our show, which I didn't know about. I didn't even notice it.

Yeah. And we finished the show quite defiantly. Yeah. And I went off and then I looked behind and Ed wasn't there. Yeah. And I went off. And then I looked behind and Ed wasn't there. Yeah. And I went out.

And you waded in. And he had gone into the audience. Brilliant. To this boy. And I just saw him just like really shouting in his face. There's still like 100 people that's still there. Yeah. And he's really shouting in his face.

And then he came back. I went, what happened? He was shining a laser pointer. I went, really? He went, yeah, he was shining a laser pointer. And then he fucking tanked him. And I went in. And I started properly shouting at him

brilliant it was horrendous have you ever hit anyone we didn't hit him I did I've never hit anyone in my life and it's one of my ambitions

I genuinely want to punch someone once in my life I think it'd be a good we should organise it this fringe yeah like a fight club yeah

I bet there's someone I kind of want to do it in a hero sort of way like I quite often fantasise about walking down the street and I see a gunman. I've got children. Yeah.

Why don't I pretend to kidnap one of your children in Edinburgh? Yeah. Right, now you know it's happening. Okay. I've got the time. I'm going to take it away and throw it in the... Middle one? Which is your least favourite?

Middle. It's difficult. Which I was quite... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can carry two under each arm. No, let's not tell him what we're going to do we'll set up a scenario have you ever seen

the game starring Michael Douglas no yes would it help if I said yes no it doesn't need to it's just a reference point

if you said yes I would have asked you some questions about it so you should be honest about it he gets this voucher for this company that's set up

things in his life to make it more exciting and he doesn't know what's happening and then it all goes weird but we can do company that's set up things in his life to make it more exciting and he doesn't know what's happening and then it all goes weird but we can do that we'll set up a scenario at some point

during the fringe where you'll have to punch someone and you'll be the hero and I'll look great that's the main thing why don't we do it during one of your shows

yeah during one section that could work how about this me and Ed because we're not booked on it so no one Ed and I

sorry because we're not booked I hate doing that and I. Ed and I, sorry. Because we're not booked. See, even... I hate doing that. No, no, no, but it's Peacock and Gamble, Ray and Ed, and me and Ed, even at the expense of language,

he has to come first. I and Ed. Back down. Me and Ed. Yeah, I and Ed. I and Ed are going to come on section, right? So we're going to come in on section so we're going to come in on section and we're going to

put masks on yeah right like balaclavas balaclavas good yeah I won't be able to tell this to you

we will you won't right you have so many people in with balaclavas yeah you two have

the most distinctive like as a double act body shape wise like I would know that's you yeah but listen what we'll throw you is we will be doing

accents right so we will both run out you'll be in the middle of singing a sad song or something yeah and we'll throw you is we'll be doing accents right so we will both run out you'll be in the middle of singing a sad song or something and we'll put you with your big band

because that's how it works you've got a band and then you do comedy in front of it it's really laboured and cynical you can try and we'll come out

with our shooters and we'll go everybody don't give too much away because I know this is so you can't do that. As soon as he hears that accent.

Everybody, we are going to take you down. Welsh. So you're threatening everybody with this gun. We're going to hold the audience hostage. Are the audience all in on this? No. No, because otherwise they know why he's punching us. Yeah, but we're just going to get arrested, mate.

No, we're not, because Alex is going to save the day. Yeah. Yeah, but then the police don't come in in a hostage situation and go well they got punch let them go now

it's true there may be repercussions but I mean I would appreciate it I think it'd be good yeah what if they

arrest us then we'll just go through with the adventure I won't press charges but the others might yeah I don't

mind you can't tell anyone about this because they're going to be real shooters yeah oh

so if anyone gets spooked at any point every chance someone could catch a bullet You can't tell anyone about this. Okay. Because they're going to be real shooters. Yeah. Oh. So if anyone gets spooked at any point, every chance someone could, you know, catch a bullet. Can I tell you my story now? Is it yes or no today? Yes, yes. Right, fine. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. In our room, a band of men are before us.

Yeah. Two nights ago, someone in the audience, well, the audience left, and they found something in the audience. What, the audience left, and they found something in the audience. What do you think they found in one of the chairs? Is it dirty?

Mm-hmm. Is it? Okay. Is it? It's not, it's not. Is it a lot of snot? Yeah, it was some shit. Someone had done a shit

on their chair. All right, so... Can I say that? Yeah, yeah. It was amazing. But they didn't discover it until they were finally in our audience.

Yeah. And someone had that seat, sat down, well, tried to sit down and said, actually, I don't want to sit there it was amazing but they didn't discover it until they were finally in our audience and someone had that seat sat down well tried to sit down and said actually I don't want to sit there because there's a shit on my chair

but what they didn't do what the staff didn't do they didn't say oh we'll hold the audience everyone out we'll clear this up they said ah that's awful

can you do you mind just shoving up somebody sat next to a shit right at the side of the shit for the entire show wow and no one told us

till afterwards but apparently it just stank of shit and there's people trying to watch us but they were also sitting next to a shit right at the side of the shit for the entire show. Wow. And no one told us until afterwards. But apparently it just stank of shit and there's people trying to watch us but they were also sitting next to them with shit.

But the mystery apparently is just a nice shit on a chair. So it's probably a girl we think. Have you heard? Yeah. Unless the trousers

probably didn't come all the way off. It must be a girl but was it like a fully formed log? Well I didn't see it, but apparently it was just some shit in a chair. Have you heard about any shows

that are doing well this year? Have you heard about anyone? Would you advise any shows? I haven't heard that much. I've heard bad things about abandonment. Yeah. There have been some quite critical responses to that. I don't know what I'd do in that scenario.

What if someone did a dirty protest in a chair I've heard people be sick and that's quite funny that's fine

it's not fine but it's that's a decision yeah that's a decision I'm enjoying the show so much no

I'm going to hide it it could be either I don't believe if you were enjoying the show Rob's fantastic

Amanda's fantastic I don't believe if you were enjoying a show a film a's fantastic I don't believe if you were enjoying a show a film a meal whatever

I don't believe at any point would it occur to you I am enjoying this I will leave a shit if you're in the middle of a row and you don't want to

get up and move everyone you really need a shit no I'm not saying it's alright I'm trying to get into the mindset of the woman who did it nobody needs a man in shorts or with a hole.

No, it might be a man in... It could be a man in shorts. Somebody could have took the shit with them. Maybe they go to the Fringe every year. They see ten shows in one day. Bring the bag of shit. Yeah, and whichever show they like the least or the most maybe. It'd be a weird thing if they loved the most, but if that's the case,

that's where we will leave our shit. On the chair. Yeah. That is violent. But we were kind of, we were kind of excited, because the rumour went round afterwards, someone had been sick. Right.

And we were like, oh no, and then it was confirmed it was shit, and we were like, wow, it was really good. I don't understand, if the person who did it,

then got up when they all filed out, Yeah. the people next to them must have gone, sure, yeah. Do you want to pick your shit up? Well, I think the chairs flop up there so I think

oh no it probably wasn't even that chair it was the row in front and it just got flung back so I think it hit the back of it

so the back and the front were so it went to and then pulled it down this is in a way this is the perfect crime they've worked this out haven't they

it can never be traced back to whose anus it came from it is untraceable I think DNA testing well we should get it and never be traced back to whose anus it came from. Yeah. It is untraceable, I think. DNA testing. Well, we should get it and then

try and find out whose anus it came from. Well, we've still got it. It's some sort of Cinderella sort of format.

Because the get-ins are so short there that it's still there. We've still haven't had time. Mate, we've got enough to do.

We've got to do this big siege, haven't we? Yeah. We can't be finding these. DNA testing. We can't be trying to see what anus and some shit came from yeah well i'll send you a sample if you i now know where you live yeah yeah send us some shit in the post yeah we'll do that the only time

when that's helpful thank you so that's my story it's a good one yeah please it's not true but i didn't know it did did. It did happen. It did. It did. Peacock and Gamble. Peacock and Gamble. So, do you know what I mean by saying you look like you shouldn't be doing it? I do.

I don't think it's a conscious decision. I think it is just me. But I am now aware of it and try to see it as a good thing. Because I know what you're like in real life and you're all like that. I am like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not an act.

But I listened to the Dave podcast when we did that. Your Alex Horne... Breaks the News. It's not as good as your podcast. I did listen to yours. Yours is like the podcast. It's A1, isn't it? Yours is A podcast.

I don't want to put you on your grammar there, Alex, but it's A podcast. So Breaks the News, we did that we were guests on that, enjoyed it I didn't like, when I listened back to it, I didn't like listening to myself which didn't happen much but I didn't enjoy it, I thought I came across as quite objectionable

a few people did say that, yeah no I can believe that, but we were we sort of undermined it a little bit which is what we do by default in interviews but when I came out of it I thought oh Alex has worked really hard on that and he's got a little bit of stuff no not at all

because I think this is almost the opposite of that well not the opposite but in mine I discourage straight answers right and prefer what you did subverting it so no I was grateful okay fine

because it's not really about anything it's not about the people involved it's about what's happening it's just stupid

so I wanted it to be as stupid as possible but I listened back to it and I a couple of times in it

I missed when you had done jokes and they were really clever jokes and I missed them a lot of them were added after

as well in the edit no they weren't no they weren't no they weren't I'd go back in and change there's no way there was more work done on that no you did it

it was so subtle and so funny but I didn't hear it do you think it was the subtlety of Alex's jokes or do you think it was the fact you were just tied up in what you were doing

I don't get tied up I'm not I don't get it in that way but sometimes when I'm very tired I will have a moment where I go I'm not concentrating at all but I'm not thinking about me, I'm not thinking about anything I'm just in a world of my own

yeah you just talk I'm trying to think of other people who I guess because Mark Watson, Tim Key and I all came through together we were all at college together and I think there's a similarity there well definitely Mark Mark's not a natural showman right

he just sort of gabbles on yeah but he has got bigger punchlines I don't know I don't know what it is it's not a conscious thing I just wanted to say that

because I didn't say it on the day but them jokes were good yeah I'm sorry I missed that you didn't laugh at the time I didn't hear them that's a good review for you Alex Horne

very funny second time round the second time you hear him he's very very funny very funny second time round second time you're hearing him he's very very funny very good in my show this year I have a laughter track do you really

yeah that's a good idea it is a good idea I don't but that would be great see that's what I mean yeah because you said that

dead straight into my eyes it's utterly plausible you're doing it as a joke it's a good idea to have a laughter track it's a fucking brilliant idea but it was mine already

and I've already written it down look laughter track you're the only act I know who needs an encore to do the show we'll do it all again here's what you missed

you say the thing about being a bit more of a lecturer those sorts of elements are in your shows anyway aren't they although this year I haven't used

PowerPoint and I'm quite proud of year I haven't used PowerPoint. And I'm very proud of myself. I haven't got a screen. And I'm quite enjoying not being tied down by that. But I did find myself using it too much, spending more time preparing that than preparing me and the jokes. Yeah, I think we use ours less this year. I think we do, yeah.

It's a good thing. Especially because everyone's got it now. But I think, do you know what? I think in our defence defence I think we utilise it quite well I think we do actually have a thing of

it's just something that's happening behind us all the time it's not and then when it's important we will like we had people

on the screen we talked to them and interacted with them it's really like here's a picture it's when people leave the stage for ten minutes

and you're just watching the screen I find that a little bit odd unless it's amazing well we had two I ten minutes and you're just watching the screen I find that a little bit odd unless it's amazing well we had two I think it was two minutes ten

that's fine but we don't have any of that there's none of that actually but there was a short film two minutes ten

which was my apprentice audition video we were on stage for that as well yeah and we were still there I think you're fine

but I know what you mean thank you thank you that's a review I think you're fine Alex Hall yeah fine so you have no

powerpoint at all no no there are gimmicks but I can't tell you what they are because there's stuff going on

trickery okay I can't reveal what that is you have a magic background don't you no not at all no my dad's a GP

what do you mean does he ever like work miracles oh yeah he does that. He is Jesus. He's the ultimate magician. Have you never done magic? No.

Have I never seen you do magic at all? We do crap magic in the horn section. We're doing more and more variety. So we've got this escapology box. But we've worked out it's best when it goes wrong. When it completely gets ruined. Then it's the funniest. In fact, I think I was going to tell this story.

Trevor Locke saw our story last night our show Trevor Locke is that name dropping yeah it's very much name dropping yeah very big up here yeah so Trevor Locke saw our

show and last night the escapology trick went completely wrong and he was saying that was the best bit why and we told him it doesn't normally go wrong he said

why would you ever do it if it didn't go wrong he wouldn't understand why you would do a magic trick in a comedy show unless it went wrong yeah okay and we're starting to think maybe he's got a point because we're not magicians but you I know say from the didn't go wrong. He wouldn't understand why you would do a magic trick in a comedy show unless it went wrong. Right, okay.

And we're starting to think maybe he's got a point because we're not magicians. But you, I know from the show you did last year, so it was when the Olympics were on,

you had quite a long bit about the Olympics as I recall. It was just a sort of medley, just a sort of tugging on the heart. That was deliberately playing on that.

But that worked wonderfully. Without any doubt. It was relatively straight. worked wonderfully. And that was relatively straight. Yeah, yeah. It was relatively straight. Yeah. It was kind of, kooky's the wrong word,

but you know, it was kind of, it was knowing, but it wasn't laden with gags. It was just quite an inspiration. Yeah, and it was only because the Olympics, we really enjoyed it, so we wanted to.

Yeah, so that's, and also because you're, was it trumpeter or saxophonist? Yeah, he was playing, the trumpeter was at the closing ceremony with Madness. Yeah. So, there is room in your show for that. And I think that's quite sweet.

I think it's quite sweet for you to do a magic trick in it. Well, I mean, I really like variety shows. Like, Ken Dodd is my favourite comedian, like, live. I've seen him a lot. And he has ventriloquists, he has a band. Yeah. Is that, you like until you I really how long did it take I mean we watched him I went with Tim key once and

we went to not him we've seen him before about the week before could we were interviewing him as well we interviewed him a couple of times so you know we've had we've got access in Why have you interviewed him a couple of times? He was actually in my first Edinburgh show. We treated him as the guru of comedy. We did a show about laughter and he gave us all the secrets. But we watched him for an hour and a half, went out and watched a football match in the pub, came back, did another hour and a half. It was amazing. Someone died the third time I saw him. Andalus came in, they wheeled him out, carried on. He's had four deaths in the third time I saw him. Androids came in, they wheeled him out. Actually died.

Actually died. He's had four deaths in his shows. We saw one. One of those is one of my granddad's friends. Really? Yeah, apparently so, yeah. It's not a bad way to go. I mean, I genuinely think people would be happy dying there.

I think they must know when they go that there's a risk. Oh, did Ken feel that? It's a sort of suicide. Yeah. He said, no, he's happy. I mean, he wants to... He wants to die. Well, he wants to die on stage.

I think, you know, he wants to keep going till the end. I would imagine that that would be his exit. Yeah. I went on Celebrity Mastermind, which is a bit ironic. I'm not either of those things. But he was my specialist subject. Ken Dodd? Why do I not know that about you?

You were on Celebrity Mastermind? Yeah, I lost to a rugby player. Brian Moore beat me. Oh, okay. Yeah. What was his specialist then? Rugby? Rugby.

Yeah. Brian Moore's rugby career. And the law. I think he's a lawyer in real life. Okay. And it was something to do with the law, so yeah, not fair. How close were you to winning?

Six points. Not great. Did you get any questions wrong that you actually knew the answer to? My favourite moment, the question was, what are the first three words of the Bible? And I panicked and said, hello and welcome.

I was pretty pleased with it as an answer. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. What's on your T-shirt? It's a skeleton. Skeleton with a snake. A skeleton with boobs on it as well. Hello, Ray. Hiya.

Who's the best comic out of you and Ken Dodd I mean laughs per show yeah he's more but then he does

nine or ten hours laughs per minute it's him and the laughs are louder in his show right but you know as we said

if you listen more carefully to mine yeah yeah two or three times you're gonna get more out of it. Who's best at it, me and you? I think,

I think, I think, I think, How are we rating it? Yeah, let's rate it. You've got to say, well, what do you think,

first of all? Do you think I am better? No. Don't embarrass me, but I, Yeah, I think you are. Yeah.

I think you are. Do you know the first time I saw you? Go on. Was at a university gig, years ago in London, maybe 12 years ago. I was doing an open spot you were comparing

I remember that and you were very very good was I nice to you? yes yeah yeah but you weren't nice to the audience

that was part of the character you were really aggressive I was kind of blown away so yeah I think it was very good did it frighten you? yeah do you find now

because that was your first experience with me that you're intimidated by me a little bit now? no now I know you I'm not threatened in the slightest why not? in any way why not? personally and professionally Do you find now, because that was your first experience with me, that you're intimidated by me a little bit now? No, now I know you. No, I'm not threatened in the slightest. Why not?

In any way. Why not? Personally and professionally, there's no threat there. I think you think you're better than him. I think Alex is, what he's trying to say at the moment is, I am better than you. But it's different, you're very different comics. No, I think you're a better comic. Thanks.

A more natural. A more natural. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The worst. You're all like... Yeah. Do you think I'm a natural comic? Yes. thanks a more natural a more natural yeah yeah yeah the worst you're all mine yeah do you think I'm a natural comic yes

Alex you do I think you two are see I need to prepare a lot for my show you're a natural comic research and writing oh well anyway what I was trying to

my sort of motto in life is don't it doesn't matter that's why we're kind of what my grave doesn't matter I don't know name one thing that matters murder doesn't matter. That's why I'm on my grave. Some things do matter though. I don't know.

Name one thing that matters. Murder. Doesn't matter. I mean, like if someone dies, it doesn't matter really, does it? Have you got a dog? Had a dog. Was it murdered? No, it was natural.

Well, I mean, it was hell. I don't know what you call it. It was kicked to death. That's like put down. Yeah. Yes. Put down by the way. You mainly put down, yeah.

Kicked to death but you know it doesn't matter really does it I don't think if you get like here if it goes really well

or really badly it doesn't matter really oh no I agree with that that's the Edinburgh Fringe but like wars matter and stuff don't they does it

well the thing is Alex inherently wins this argument because every time you say anything you keep going I think it works

for everything yeah football doesn't matter but it puts me in a really awkward position because it makes me go right

find something horrible that will get to him every time you say that it does it because we're

all going to die so it doesn't matter I don't think there's anything that matters I think there is love

I think love matters do you not think it matters does your wife listen to this no I'm going to send it to your wife it doesn't matter does your wife listen to this no do you want to send it to your wife

love doesn't matter she doesn't have access to our computer why not doesn't know the password yeah maybe he would try and check your email

that's true I don't know either didn't know his own password I suggested a few of them for him yeah keep buying laptops I'm on my fifth this week

I'll just forget about it there's no way in just dump it. I think it's Alex 1. I can't be the first. No, knowing you, with your sense of humour, Alex 69.

Yeah, that's true. But it is Alex 1 69. Because that 6 looks like it's having a good old go on that 9. That's pretty funny. I think you're alright as a comedian.

Alright. I think he's alright. I'd watch him. I would take that. Actually, I like three stars. Three stars is fine. Really? Because I'd like to go

to a three star show. This is going to be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A nice time, go home and have a cup of tea. I'd prefer to have like a meal which is like a margarita pizza and some fancy rubbish.

You wouldn't want... I'd prefer a three star meal than a five star meal. Okay. Do you know what you're getting? I know what you mean. I do know what you mean. But I think... No, you're not. You're an ace comic but you're... Yeah, you are. You're a surprising comic meal I know what you mean I do know what you mean but I think no you're not

you're an ace comic but you're yeah you are you're a surprising comic I think you do surprise me surprisingly underwhelming that's the kind of way

no no no because you look like you're not arsed but the hours have clearly gone into it that's what the problem is that's the contradiction within it

but you're right you're right Alex I'm better than you no you're not better than him you're different there's different he said it though that's the end of the argument no it's not the end of the argument there are some areas I think I'm better than you. No, you're not better than him. You're different. There's different... He said it, though. That's the end of the argument.

No, it's not the end of the argument. There are some areas I think I'm better. Yeah, there we go. Like, I think... Just hang on a minute. Like, height-wise, I think I'm stronger. Oh, yeah, that's important to a comedian, isn't it? It is.

Name a good comedian who isn't tall. There's Cleese. There's Cooper. Right. Okay, Cleese. There's... Cooper. Cook.

Cook. Fine. Right. Right. Okay, I hear what you're saying. Yeah. Listen. I would say the short... The good short ones. there's Cooper right ok please Cooper Cook fine right ok I hear what you're saying listen I would say the good short ones yeah

Cranky Kenny Baker was in a double act for a long time wasn't he was he Kenny Baker he was

played RTD2 he was in a double act RTD2 and C3PO don't count as a comedy double act no but he was but he did but he was in a double act he was in the C3P I don't count as a comedy double act but he was in the double act as well

I can't remember his name but it was another little person really yeah they used

to do double acts together Greg David apart from Greg they're all short

you have Lucy Porter Lucy Porter thank you McIntyre McIntyre's six foot Adam Buxton was in it McIntyre's six foot Adam Buxton

was in there McIntyre's six foot Buxton's six foot he is you measure Buxton six foot that's amazing he must have been

am I six foot or not no do top trumps I'll be top trumps top trumps of what height we'll just work it out

height will be there right height I don't think height will be there you know sometimes on top trumps they have one way it doesn't even you can't even compare them What, height? We'll just work it out. Height will be there. Right. I don't think height will be there. You know sometimes on Top Trumps they have one way it doesn't even...

You can't even compare them. Height. I don't think height should be there. I think there's always one like a standard one like number of eyes. It should be one like that. Okay, well, no.

Beard. Beard. I've got a tag. How long have you had your beard for? No, no, no. You both... Just beard is yes. 16.

Okay. No, it's just beard, yes. 16. Okay, he may win. No, it's just beard, yes. Okay. So that's a draw. Not that many yes or no answers on Top Trumps normally, but... There are sometimes. Okay, fine.

Because there are genuinely sometimes, because then if it's a no, if you were clean shaven, then beard would win. Okay. Because beards mean that you're funnier. Right, okay, okay. No problem at all. I can do that. I can do that.

We'll be able to do it. So still nil all or one all? The what? Sort of. Nil all, nil all. No problem as well. I can do that. I can do that. We'll be able to do it. So still nil all or one all? The what? Sort of. Nil all, nil all. Yeah. That's fine. Geekiness.

I would win that. I think I would win that. No. How would you win it? Because I have like computers. That's not geekiness. No, hang on. We're right.

Geekiness is the wrong thing. Intelligence and Q. I know about Marvel Comics, Star Wars. No, no, no. We're not talking about that. And that doesn't make you a better comic Intelligence in Cuba I don't want to boast

but just intelligence I'm intelligent I know about loads of things Ask me a thing Ask me a thing about anything What do you think about North Korea? The whole situation It appalls me

It appalls me. It appalls me. What, that it exists? Do you think it's reunite? I've got to say, the problem in North Korea is it's a very secretive organisation that's going on there. The regime is very, very secretive, so they don't really tell people about what's going on behind closed doors. So people don't often hear about it. For example, in North Korea recently, there was a young lady who's a comedian who was actually arrested on the spot for doing comedy

I think reading total doesn't count but that's what I think about it no mate that's what I'm always thinking about intelligence and humour

but I can articulate it as well that was good for about two or three minutes yeah so that's a good thing isn't it

and bear in mind I'm going to tell you now intelligence and humour this is your rating on the top trumps card and bear in mind I'm going to tell you now intelligence and humour this is your rating on the Top Trumps card and bear in mind I'm in the same show that you're in

right okay now this what this is not a clever show yeah I'm in the same show that you're in right okay

you're in right okay so oh you were going to be two you're going to have a two out of ten you're now on one no but you said you're in yeah you're on one for that urine crack

yeah but let's forget about the Top Trumps urine crap you said urine. Yeah. You're on one for that urine crack. Yeah, but let's forget about the top drugs. Urine crack. He said urine. Urine crack. Palsy was one of the first people in space. And Alex, you're on an eight. Why is he on an eight? Thank you.

He's on an eight for intelligence and humour. He went Cambridge and all that, didn't he? What does it mean? I've been Cambridge. I've won three episodes of Countdown. What? Yeah, come on. I was a normal punter on Countdown.

I was a normal person on Countdown. What? Yeah, come on. I was a normal punter on Countdown. I was a normal person on Countdown. I got a pointless answer the other day on Pointless. Not actually on it though, were you? No. They weren't filming you? No, it's quite the end of it.

Was it after the person said it? I've gone it was what I got. It was an audience, people had been on an audience with. So Alex has won that one.

I've gone it. Yeah. Funniness? Funniness, no, because again, some people like a bit of intelligence. Yeah, but won that one. I've gone in. Yeah. Funniness? Funniness, no, because again, some people like a bit of intelligence. Yeah, but I am funny. You are funny.

When you think about it. And I'm not, so I think... Ray Woodward, no. Just funny, yes or no. Right. Yeah. Well, I don't think it can be funny,

yes or no, because that's sort of what the whole thing we're talking about really is. Swear it, swear it. Swear it. But is that good or bad? Do you swear? No, swear is pushy. sort of what the whole thing we're talking about really isn't it swearing swearing swearing but is that good or bad no swears

for sure I did one in my solo show this year one of the F's but I don't actually say it somebody else says it

right what's the baddest swear that you know that I know probably penis penis penis and what's the

worst one that you know cunt right so you did my swearing right yeah okay. So you do the most swearing, right? Yeah. Okay, and Alex has got the most intelligence in the queue. Cerebral.

Is that what you mean? I'm that as well. Cerebral. What is it? Cerebral. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so now you're down to zero, unfortunately.

Yeah, I think so. So you went from... I'm trying to learn. No, you were on two, then you made a joke about urine, you were down to one, and then you said the word cerebral without knowing. Keenness.

Put keenness down. I want to know what that cerebral thing means. Right, you do win on keenness. Right, thank you. Yeah. And I want a wee, so I also want urine as well, so that's two things that I'm keen on.

I don't know how much you want a wee on Top Trumps, do they? I've never seen you do stand-up. Pick, hook and gamble. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Have you enjoyed Edinburgh so far? Yes. Do you enjoy it as a thing? I really do.

For lots of reasons. Mainly because I get to see my show. I really like my shows. Yeah, yeah. But also I get to go away from my children for a month. Yeah. And it's remarkably relaxing. This for me is relaxing.

Okay. Because I don't have to hold three children every day. So, you know, I love it. Do you mean this podcast now? No, no,

this is not. This has been like beyond stressful. And I keep holding this massively hot battery. Well, we should explain what's happened

during this podcast. Our recording equipment has failed three times so far. Yeah. We've had Ed run to the shop to get batteries. Yeah. And returned.

And the car came back with the batteries with the batteries it chewed through it's already used an entire battery yeah and we're about to do it again

we've remained calm haven't we we've very calm very collected you seem like quite a calm man anyway yeah

do you ever get angry that's my motto no I haven't been angry yet ever I can't remember being angry you must have been you must have been angry

at some point I think so try and make him angry and then finish not like okay I've not I've definitely not been livid

yeah you've never been what was that what television programme have you done Catman no what one have you done yourself

that you're in yourself We Need Answers We Need Answers We Need Answers is that still on no why was it not commissioned again it's actually parked

they told us they parked it five years ago so it's just in the BBC car park it could come back they forgot about you Alex yeah they forgot they forgot about you

yeah I don't think you're going to make him angry mate no I don't think no has anyone ever walked out of your show Alex well this always makes me

I think I'm more like I'm quite sort of fragile in that respect like someone left last night yeah and I thought this must be an awful show and they came back oh we're fine okay when people leave and you know that's it I don't know why anyone would do that why you would leave in and out I think rather than shit on your chair yeah I've enjoyed this interview despite all those technical problems. I've enjoyed it because of the technical problems.

All I can think of mainly is the technical problems are going to cause me further technical problems in the edit. Yeah. So I've now got three files. Yeah. One of which I can't even open because it's corrupted.

Ah, well. You don't have to think about that. Is that genuinely your motto? It doesn't matter. It is in most things. I mean, I do care about the odd thing, but in general, anything like,

anything to do with comedy, definitely is my motto. Not asked at all. No. Are you writing any books at the moment? No. Why not? I don't know. I mean I do care about the odd thing but in general anything like anything to do with comedy definitely not asked at all no are you writing any books at the moment no why not

doesn't matter wrote two books and didn't I enjoyed writing them I didn't enjoy it after that they didn't sell enough that's partly my fault

because I got a free one I got a free one as well yeah from our manager's office we just told them yeah James didn't charge anyone

for them this is a problem in James's defence and I will very rarely do this but in his defence we did just

steal them that's why I go to that office there's a lot of stuff there no but writing books I missed the

instant reaction from a punter you can't sit next to someone when they're reading a book. You can. Oh, yeah, you can.

Especially if it sells very few copies. Yeah, I can actually do that. Yeah, no, I might not. Like, if I ever won the lottery, I would write books for fun, but not for work. Would you consider writing a book about this experience? An entire book? I'd consider it, yeah.

I definitely wouldn't do that, but I'm more than happy to consider it you can think about it yeah yeah that's fine do you want to do quickfire questions and then wrap it up yeah

yeah okay so why oh who's doing the question I don't know let's do it in a circle alright okay yeah right Alex start us off how many fish have you got

three three have died none I used to have a fish called nasher oh same question each yeah I think we can do it that way

I think yeah we'll all answer each question not so much quickfire this anymore, is it? I used to have a fish called nasher, but my cat killed it. I've got one, and it's a shabumpkin. That's a type of fish.

Okay. All right, I'll ask the next question. Yeah. To Ed. Yeah. I haven't got a fish, by the way. What was the... What was the last record you bought?

It was the new All Pigs Must Die album. Right. Where it loves them around you. What was the last record you album. Right. Where was it around you? Was the last record you bought? Yep. What was your last record? Can't remember. Okay.

Why would you ask that question if you don't have an answer for it? What counts as a record? Is an MP3 a record? Yeah. A song, yeah. I bought a song recently, I can't remember.

Tell you what that was. Yeah. Could have been the Tiger Woods album, the 8th, I don't know. Well, that was the worst moment of the tiger was either or well that was the worst moment of the

podcast for me that was the worst moment right favourite food eggs

can I say eggs eggs you can say eggs that's true you like eggs yeah I really like eggs

how do you like them done cooked eggs cooked eggs right okay nice can I have a bit of eggs

yeah if I get sausage if I say? Can I have a bit of this? Yeah, I've got two more. If I get sausage, if I say sausage, can I have a bit of his egg? Yeah, that's fine. Alright, I'll have bacon and then we'll just have a big breakfast together. Do you like Spanish people? Don't even think about them. Okay. I do like Spanish people. Yeah, I like Spanish people. I'm enjoying this. He's better at the questions. 15 more. 15 more and that's it. Right.

Do you buy bread or do you go with flatbread or pita? It depends on what sort of mood I'm in on the day of the shop. I'd like to clarify the question. Do I buy bread or do I... Then you went, do you flatbread or pita? As if they're verbs sorry my my pita bread and I do I

do you have bread in the house yes I do yeah you do white or brown yeah white or brown yeah either one

either one's fine okay next question oh god I just I feel this tipping over we had an interview with Greg Davis

last year where it just got really warm and everyone went slightly mental I feel it just tipping over isn't had an interview with Greg Davis last year where it just got really warm and everyone went slightly mental. I feel it just tipping over into that. But at least we'll all be honest. Are you pure English or do you have any foreign bodies?

I think 12th, 16th, like three quarters English and a Scot as well. But my children are Irish weirdly fully Irish yeah they've got Irish passports because my wife's Irish

we sort of give them it's cooler isn't it yeah I haven't seen them Red something to do with Wales I don't know what the percentages are

I've just said Irish some of some Irish yeah Alex have you ever been on a bus? Not for a long, long time. Although,

well, do we count the airport link because that's a bus, isn't it? Yeah. If it's a bus, you count it, yeah. I go on a bus. I go on a bus maybe once,

I go on a bus actually twice a year. Yeah. From Edinburgh Airport to here and here to Edinburgh Airport back and that's it. All I wanted was yes. Don't like buses. Don't like buses.

Yeah, you've been on a bus. Yeah, I don't. You've been on a bus. Actually, I don't like buses. I don't like bus drivers. Oh. I think they should get a job they like. Yeah.

Have you got a bus? Have you got a bus? Oh, have I been on a bus? Yeah, I go on a bus quite regularly. Yeah, I regularly go on a bus. Yeah, I go on a bus. Yeah, I've been on a bus. It's not a great question,

that one. It's not very insightful. All right, my question. Have you been in a taxi? Oh, I like this. Right, I'm going to wrap this up I'm look

I'm going to be the guy that does it alright why alright look I wanted to find out if he's ever been in a car right I've got a bought one

he's got a car the problem we've got here is that we've got so much gold that's been deleted yeah I feel like the god of podcasting has really been horrible to us today

one with the guest and two with the fact that they've gone right if they get any good stuff out of him I'm going to delete it to the world

no some of the guests you'll be surprised how much some of the good stuff I'll be surprised where did you get the car from I bought it from a Nissan dealer okay right

I'm going to have to knock this on the head I'll try and get one from Sainsbury's you know they do like the basics range the cars now just orange crappy

cars just basic car yeah and what what makes that's the Sainsbury's no it's just an own brand

how many how much are they like 400 grand 400 grand yeah it's too much isn't it right I'm gonna

that's a genuinely brilliant idea just the own brand cars if Sainsbury's literally had a little thing up there saying

the basic car yeah they should do everything basic houses yeah they could do like a finest

range as well yeah finest car a really swish car swish swish well thank you

for coming thanks for having us mate I really enjoyed it I'm glad you're doing this you might want to

sort out the way you recorded it because I noticed there was some little... I didn't like the way you recorded it, Alex. You made a bit of a guess. Yeah, I regret some of it. Yeah, I regret a lot of it. Sounded amazing when you heard that.

Did it? Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. That was Alex Horne. Alex Horney there. Alex Horney from the Horney section. Oh, I get me Horney, that bloke. It's such a good show, the Horny section. It really is, you know.

I can't really speak enough about it, so I won't. I like it, though. I meant to say something about the hospital. When I was in the waiting room, today this was, this wasn't yesterday when I went in in the emergency. Today I was sat there going for the CT scan and there was kind of a portly gentleman

Scottish gentleman he was quite jolly and happy yeah he was obviously in some distress himself yeah but he was I think he was doing

what I sometimes do when I'm in that situation where I'll try and be over funny and friendly just to try and relax yourself because I'm worried yeah so he was kind of

bantering with everyone that came in and when I first sat down he was saying goodbye to an old man right who he'd obviously just met yeah

I really like to meet you man really like to meet you and then this girl come in youngish girl came in with a massively swollen ankle she hobbled in her pyjamas yeah which there's a lot of laughing

by the way at Accident and Emergency and could you not do that a lot of laughing yeah a lot of people just there like for a fucking day out no there isn't

I'm not even messing there are people there with other people who are obviously in some distress but they're like laughing and messing about we're just trying to

cheer their friends up no they can fuck off it really annoyed me if I was with you in an accident an emergency we would be having a laugh not yesterday we wouldn't

maybe today we wouldn't I would have been trying but not yesterday I would have been trying I was in absolute excruciating agony I would have been trying and I'd have been hitting you

no you wouldn't mate I'd be saying no. And I'd have been hitting you. No, you wouldn't, mate. I'd have been saying, no, stop it. I cried. I'd be running away. I cried. Pussy. I cried an excellent amount when I got there. That's how bad it got.

I actually cried. Yeah. Like a big, fat, handsome baby. But this bloke was there, and he was like, and this girl came in with a badly swollen ankle. Yeah. And he went, oh, can you know what you've done there? You were trying to get a drink over the body.

And she, like, laughed, right? Yeah. And it was funny. It was funny. badly swollen ankle yeah and he went oh Ken what you done there you were trying to get a drink over the body and she like laughed right yeah and it was funny he was funny and then she he went what have you done then and she went

oh I twisted my ankle it's come up really swell and he went oh by your foot and she went yeah he went oh no I've seen him take a lot of fruits off today

it's fucking hilarious it was really but she was like shut up shut up shut up the sad thing is though yeah do you have it taken off later

well she went in and came out and I was actually looking yeah how amazing would that be she came out with a stump yeah and he had to sit there going oh that was right

oh I'm right sorry oh sorry so tomorrow's podcast is Ed Byrne Ed Byrne Ed Byrne

it's another vaguely confrontational one yeah I like it yeah I think it's been my thing this year yeah I did quite I did as good an edit as I can but bear in mind I'm fit in hospital so I didn't necessarily cut everything out

that way I cut everything out you said have you given him his hat back yet I've not no he's sitting up in my bedroom he's not coming back stick that on eBay I don't think people enjoy R&C's

what do you mean I think this year I think Romesh has been going around slagging us off I think Romesh has been saying to other comedians oh don't think people enjoy our interviews. What do you mean? I think this year, I think Romesh has been going around slagging us off. I think Romesh has been saying to other comedians, oh, don't go, it's really confrontational, it's really shitty, blah, blah. And I think other comedians are now not really enjoying the interviews very much.

Right. I think everyone enjoys it. I think Gary Delaney loved it until I lost it. Until he deleted that one. And now he's not my friend anymore. He enjoyed it, so he deleted it. Yeah. Yeah.

But I've been friends with him for like 15 years he's not friends anymore mate that guts me well I'm sorry about that mate but all I'm saying is his show

is on at the same time as ours in the courtyard so I think we all know that you did it on purpose I didn't do it on purpose

I think we all know that you deleted his interview so he can't have any publicity for his show at 9.45 at the courtyard

because that is when Peacock and Gamma Heartthrobs is at 9.45 at the Courtyard because that is when Peacock and Gamma Heartthrobs is on 9.45 at the Courtyard and it's selling out and we don't know why

I know why why PR people lying yeah that's what it is it's the only thing I can think of there could be an

element of that to it man yeah there could be an element of that to it man it's a good show though isn it, when we do it right? Yeah, definitely.

I enjoy it. But it is selling out every night, so make sure you get a ticket. If you're planning to come, get a ticket. You'll need a ticket to get in. You're going to need a ticket. It's this stupid capitalist bourgeois shit system they've got this year. Depresses me. Well, you need to buy a ticket to get in, guys, all right?

I'm sorry. Don't shoot the messenger. We're not the man. We ain't the PM. Here's the other thing as well. This is important. This is something that we were going to say before I got ill on the podcast. Yeah.

Right. On the ticket, you'll see it says 9.45 PM. Yeah. That's when it starts. That's when it starts, guys. Right? If you're not there then... You can't come.

You don't see it. Yeah. And you can't get your ticket refunded. We've warned you. Yeah. It starts at 9.45. Unfortunately, it. Yeah. And you can't get your ticket refunded. We've warned you. Yeah. It starts at 9.45. Unfortunately in our venue, if you're late, then you have to walk via the stage to get into the audience.

So that's not happening. Not happening anymore, that, because that was getting silly. So it's up to you. That's how things work now. Got to get there on time, guys. Yeah. Got to get there to get in. Yeah.

Simple as that. And buy a ticket. Got to get there on time, guys. Yeah. Got to get there to get in. Yeah. Simple as that. And buy a ticket. Got to buy a ticket first. Got to buy a ticket, get there on time, right day. You know, if you want a drink, that's great. You're allowed to bring drinks in. Hey, have a drink by all means. Hey, get the drink before the show starts.

The drink isn't more important than the show. Yeah. Right? So don't come in, or you won't be allowed in anywhere now, but don't, as some people have been doing, come in carrying loads of drinks five minutes late. You can't be in a queue for,

if you're in a queue for a drink and you look at your watch and you see that it's 9.43. Yeah, you won't make it. You won't, just go, all right, you know what,

I'm a human being, I can wait and have a drink after the show. Yeah. If you're so desperate for a drink that you will miss the beginning of the show you've been for a ticket for, you've got a drink after the show if you're so desperate for a drink that you will miss the beginning of the show you've been for a ticket for

you've got a drink problem yeah and also so don't come into our show because we're not going to help with your stupid drink problem we can't help with your drink problem no

our show our show will not sort out somebody who's got issues and is an alcoholic yeah right that's we've never claimed that ever

and I don't know why some people think we can't if you're an alcoholic you need the drink go and have the drink. Don't tell us about it, but don't come to our show late because... Because you're an alcoholic. You're an alcoholic, right? And don't you ruin other people who've bothered to turn up on time because you're an alcoholic.

Yeah. Right? You're an alcoholic. Yeah, I hate you. What? Ed hates you because you're an alcoholic. I think, okay, there's probably things happening in your past that made you an alcoholic, but I'm not... Alcohol. I am not that made you an alcoholic but I'm not

alcohol I am not supporting you as an alcoholic yeah right and this goes for all sorts of addictions yeah same for heroin addiction

cocaine addiction even meth even if you try to get off these harder drugs yeah and you're addicted to meth you know meth

yeah methylated spirits who's addicted to meth it's what they give them mate methylated spirits is it to get them off it yeah there was a misnomer a few years ago someone said methadone it's not that it's what they give them meth it's not that

it's meth it's spirits meth is not methadone either

yes it is yes if you are one of these addicts

whilst you have my sympathies I'm not dealing with it you don't even have

my sympathies I think it's probably a class difference are you saying all working class people are on drugs or alcoholics I'm when I'm doing my head in the shop you don't even have my sympathies well again I think it's probably a class difference here but what are you saying

all working class people are on drugs or alcoholics well I'm not I'm saying oh dear that's a bit that's a bit of a

ripe sentiment I'm saying they're more likely to have come across it in real life how many of your friends have been heroin addicts

how many of yours have been heroin addicts not one not one yeah mine neither no in fact if you are an heroin addict

we'd like to meet you come along come and be friends with you but get there on time you scrawny junkie fucker we're not leaving

you on your own in our flat bloody hell good god no matter how much we think we can trust you you're not selling

our playstation games mate I say games bloody playstation will be gone won't it oh god sat there with

your innocent face on with a baby on the ceiling anyway hey put that spoon back we know what you do with that I ate my yoghurt off that spoon Oh, God. Sat there with your innocent face on. With a baby on the ceiling. Anyway. Hey, put that spoon back. We know what you do with that.

I ate my yoghurt off that spoon. Stop running down Preeti Street with your old CDs falling out your pocket like the police behind you. I know what they all do, mate. Anyway, I think I'm just happy that I've not got AIDS. That's what I've found out from my blood tests. Yeah. See you tomorrow. On that, bye.

Come on, Mr Cambridge Cambridge read that all out the Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk three stars this year as always

today's guest was every year they give me three every year today's guest and I'm happy with it today's guest thank you Chortle

was Alex Horne. And my show is Lies and the Horne Selection. All music by Thomas Funderay. Is that right? See you tomorrow. Bye, guys.