The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 15 (Sarah Millican)

Episode Date: June 27, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 15 (Sarah Millican)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 127 of 128.

Pico and Gamble, Edinburgh podcast. Happy Monday everyone, my name's Ed Gamble. My name's Ray Peacock, hello. That'll do for an intro, won't it? Yeah, I think I'll just about do it, mate. Because, I tell you what, it's all well and good, you all saying, oh, do extra shows, we can't get tickets for the other one. Do some more, but would you listen to us? Yeah.

Listen to how we sound here now. Yeah, exactly. That's what happens. This is what the pressure of success is doing to us. It might be fine if your show is all about how you whisper, but our show is all about shouting at everyone and then hopefully the volume will make them remember it. And people, it's not very well if you're just a stand-up comedian. Yeah, with a microphone.

Yeah, oh, I'll have a microphone and I will just speak at my normal voice. Fine. But what you're not taking into account is some people like to do the Edinburgh Fringe by going out with their best friend and shouting really loud and doing all the songs as well. And not having a microphone. Yeah, listen, we can't do this introduction for you unfortunately we've got to put the interview on but luckily it's a really good it's a really good one it says our show is peak on gamble hearts rocks 945 pleasant courtyard yep that's when you could see it potentially that's when you're gonna see it yeah um and look if it sounds like we're being really loud just

sort of look look at us and go lads come on yeah shush us if you're in to see it. Yeah. And look, if it sounds like we're being really loud, just sort of look at us and go, lads, come on. Yeah, shush us. If you're in the audience and you think we're over-louding it, and you're like, listen, you're damaging your voices. I mean, I can't do it to Ray on stage,

but last night, Ray was shouting lines that he normally just says. I just shouted too many lines last night. That's the problem, isn't it? Yeah, for no reason. No reason at all. Yeah.

Didn't even make sense in the story. No, just shouted them. Yeah. Late show, wasn't it? Yeah. Weird no reason at all yeah didn't even make like sense in the story no just shouted them yeah late show wasn't it yeah weirdly in that late show last night I felt drunk

and then I had a drink yeah felt drunk you not had a drink no not one that was before the previous late show the Friday night yeah

I had one bambuca yeah didn't make any difference at all no more drunk without it it was fun though was fun wasn't it here's Sarah Millican

Sarah no mate that's not how drunk without it it was fun though it was fun wasn't it here's Sarah Millican Sarah no mate that's not how you start an interview why wouldn't I I feel so welcome Sarah no that was a

Sarah oh no oh fuck you came then you have misread the mood well portrayed better

it was like it was oh Sarah it was a nice one oh well that felt a little bit seedy the one you did there

I literally let you rub on your legs at the same time I already can't win yeah yeah try getting more than one word out we tried to get you

on the podcast last year and you were only here for a couple of days yes you very politely declined but then I tried to bribe you I tried my bribe you.

I tried my hardest. And do you know what? That has always worked in the past and it never worked on you. Really? I thought you misunderstood what a bribe was because you sent me a picture of you in your pants.

Oh yeah. I remember that. Josh, I still got it on my computer somewhere because when you sync up it all goes, oh no. So it'll be like

cat, cat, cake, me and Gary oh no so that'll be like cat cat cake me and Gary me and Gary cat cat cake cake and then a picture of you in your pants peacocking his pants yeah peacocking pants

they were banana man boxer shorts they were weren't they yeah because I had to wear them for the show wear them for the show yeah do you still wear them

now okay do you know what it's a weird thing with those we had this thing in our show last year where my trousers

fell down it's a very very clever show very highbrow show last year fast ass trousers fell down it's a very clever show very highbrow show your fans don't but I thought it would be funny if I always had like banana man bunts

or what was his name you had animal from the Muppets oh yeah good choice but it meant I had to buy loads of them because you know

he's sort of sweat dreadfully in these venues and that so I had to have loads of them because what I had to start doing was wearing new pants every day and it you had

hold on hold on let's just backpedal a little bit you did this especially for the fringe yeah you know those weird little routines you get

putting new pants on every day showering that sort of thing it does get weird up here because I smelt my bra yesterday to see if I could get another day out of it I've never done that

with my bra before I'm the weird one and you're a bra smeller. Not everybody. It's just me on. It was a little bit meaty so I put it in the water. Whereabouts would you

if you smell a bra whereabouts on the bra would you smell it? The bit underneath. Under the bust. Under the bust. Bust is such a good word. Bust.

Bust is such a good word. Under the busters. Right, underneath the busters. Under me knockers. Where mostly the pool of sweat gathers. Oh, okay. And it was meaty. You know, like, I don't know if you get this as well, but we get this.

The back of your watch gets a bit meaty as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But plastic watches are better, but if it's a leather watch. Poor cows. If cows get sweat on them, oh, I suppose they they aren't meat so it's allowed to be they smell like cows almost all the time they smell like

meat all the time yeah they're not cooked meat I suppose but if they wore a watch it would be an absolute nightmare every time we

have a lady guest it gets all horny straight away doesn't it is this horny sorry meaty bras bras

you don't know what braids are you don't know what horny is we might need to educate you a little bit one day somebody's going to tell me I don't know what Brian's are? You don't know what Horny is? I want you to educate you a little bit. One day somebody's going to tell me I don't know what company is as well. You're not ready for reviews then?

No, no, no. Do you read reviews? I haven't had any this year because we haven't got left pressing. Have you not? No, no. How wonderful. Well, we sold out

and the way I see it why would somebody need to come to see me because I think the main purpose of a review is to get more bums on seats and my bums are happy

so you're not the one come on don't please have a disservice but then that critic can go and see another show to help somebody else

hopefully or destroy someone else so I mean I suppose they could have bought tickets but we haven't had any reviews through

so and even if they buy tickets they think well you can review what you like because I've still got your money yeah

do you think is there an element with where you're at now because I've known you quite a long time is there an element for where you are now I kind of fantasise

about that about that situation going I'm going to go to Edinburgh and not even let them in yeah not even letting them in and it's going to be

all about the show it's all about the people coming to it in a way the fact we're not reading them that's basically the same thing yeah it is oh yeah but we've done that

for like two years now haven't we I think it's healthy I listen to a rival podcast sorry guys I don't believe you there are other ones

you don't believe that they exist they are what is it Carl Dunley on Stuart Goldsmith's podcast on the company yes said

because I try when I listen to those ones I try and pick up one nugget of information that I could do with something that I can learn from everyone and Carl's was he said that critics are professional audience members so they are there to help the audience decide what to see and what not to see

so those reviews are not for us I'm not having an M on this, it sounds really boring. I can't dummy come in here and be like... The rest of it was largely filth, it wasn't. No, but it made so much sense. And you think, well, yeah, we weren't supposed to

read them because they're not for us. But do you think there's also an element where, as comics, we cling to things like that, where we go let's look for a nice little soundbite, let's look for a nice little ethos to go, oh yeah, that's brilliant, that's perfect. Yeah, but what's wrong with that? No, nothing at all. Yeah, yeah, no, it's great. I think it's whatever is going to try and stop me, because I've always read my reviews.

Have you really? Yeah, and it's not good. It's not healthy. But I, you know, you're supposed to only, if you believe the good, then you have to believe the bad as well. And I decided to only believe the ones that thought I was awesome. It's different but it works for me. Yeah, that's a good idea isn't it? Because I read a review

once as I was about to go on stage to do a DVD recording and somebody had linked me on Twitter to it and I thought I'm going to have a little look. Idiot. Ten minutes before. Was it really that close? I only had, yeah it was, I only had like a last way to have and then I was going on stage to do a double DVD record,

my first one, at the Bloomsbury. We did two 90 minute shows with a half an hour gap in between and I read a review that was like, meh, and I thought, and then I had to go out,

good evening. I can't even imagine you, I can't, because I spoke to someone the other day who's a mutual friend who said you'd had some shit and I was like, I couldn't get my head around that. Oh yeah. No, but I spoke to someone the other day who's a mutual friend who said you'd had some shit and I was like, I couldn't get my head around that.

Oh, yeah. No, but I actually couldn't. Well, look, I know. I think this year's show... That's not even... Do you know what? That's not even anything to do with your act. That's nothing to do with that.

I don't understand why anyone would go after a nice person. Oh, because it sells newspapers. That's why. Yeah, but you're not a shit, though. It's not like Frankie... I get it with Frankie Boyle. I understand it, then.

Well, it's because he's caught in yeah he's even though it's largely unfair I think yeah and hilarious his stuff is

hilarious but it's I think it's just you know printing like for example if I go on like a radio

program or a podcast or anything like this it's you want me to be funny and sparkling because that's

I'm product I am content. But if I'm in a newspaper, they don't want, that's not interesting. Oh, she's nice, she gets on with her family, she's got a good relationship, and she's quite funny. That doesn't sell papers. They try and dredge up whatever they can. Is that because it's ingrained in them?

Because in the olden days, and with hindsight, we now know that this is what was going on. The papers would often go after someone who, in the industry, inside the walls of the industry, was a bit of a shit. Was a nasty piece of work. Like Barrymore, for example. They couldn't wait to get Barrymore. They couldn't wait. Because at times in his career, he'd been a bit difficult,

and he'd been a bit testy in that. So when actually the opportunity arose to get him, he got him. To sort of expose him for what expose somebody for who what they are because they perhaps felt crossed at some point and we're like right well our day will come well there's probably some of that but there's also just you know that they're largely they're trying to you know sell i think newspapers are are dying out yeah as they should yeah so in order to keep them afloat yeah they have to put controversial things in them regardless of truth and regardless

of interest. Don't you think there's some appetite for it anyway, like seeing people sort of destroyed in the newspapers? Don't you think there's a large section of the British public who actually enjoy reading about that sort of stuff? Personally, I like that idea of having a headline saying that they're a nice person.

I'd like to have a front page of Sarah Millican has a lovely dinner out. Sarah Millican meaty bra. Meaty bra, but that is just normal. I don't know what you're all criticising. Next year's title. Meaty bra. Anyone fancy a meaty bra? I can turn them out on the way in.

On the way out is when you're on a date. It's true. Butcher's bust. I think there is a lot of, because the gossipy bits of women's magazines they clearly they only put them in because people read them with you yeah you know they are you know appealing to an audience but i stopped reading all of that sort of thing and stopped buying all those newspapers quite a while ago and do not miss it at all because it's something when you see the front page of a newspaper like i was doing loose women at the time and loose women are one of them is always on the front page of like woman's own or you know all those kind of women the kind of magazines weekly ones and i would

just be standing in the queue and like asda or whatever and just glance across at the at the magazines and just see somebody that i knew just pulled apart yeah and you think and somebody told me that i was on i wasn't the main picture obviously but i was a little picture of and it was a made-up story and exclusive i'd never spoken to that magazine yeah and i think so a largely it's brought in from other places so maybe put together by different interviews or whatever uh or you know made up or blown out of proportion or and you just think oh these are normal people these are normal people and that's the problem and that's i think what newspapers and magazines are normal people. These are normal people. And that's the problem. And that's, I think, what newspapers and magazines do damaging people is that they distance people from, they don't look normal, they're celebrities.

But they still go out and do normal things. Like I watched David Baddiel's Fame show. That's not a very normal thing, but go on. It was fascinating. Some of the things that he wanted to do that everybody would do that was a little bit naughty, but not really bad, he wasn't allowed to do because somebody would pull him on it. And then he's not allowed to do that because he's a celebrity

and that there are different rules and it's... But I think the general public... Well, I don't want to categorise them as one thing. But I think people think, when you're famous, that you don't go to the shops and that you don't go on the tube and that you don't do all these things. I mean, I don't, but I hope some people do. Some of the lesser ones will

still be. You know, you're Russell Howard. They have to get on a tube every now and again. No, but do you know what I mean? It's a relatively normal life, isn't it? Are you categorising yourself as a psychopath? I go Sainsbury's in the middle of the night.

Yeah. Right? And no word of a lie but that's because you're a psychopath as well but somewhere in my head I think just in case there's a podcast I like shopping in the middle of the night I used to, when I was driving home from a gig and I'd thought, I've been away for three days

I've got nothing in and I'd go to Asda and I'd buy milk, bread away for three days I've got nothing in and I'd go to Asda and I'd buy like milk bread biscuits obviously and then sometimes a dress because I've just had the kind of thing nice gig dress

tenner I'll have that as well you can't use the changing rooms at night though I just guess when it's a tenner I'm going to guess

because I know I'm going to Asda probably within the next four or five days I'll just take the phone card back fly by the city in my pants that's how I live I'm going to Asda probably within the next four or five days I'll just take the program back fly by the city of my pants that's how I live I've always stopped in the middle of the night I really really like it

I can't do things like that because I can't shop like hungry or drunk or any of those things you are always one of those in the night I am hungry or drunk sometimes both don't shop hungry and drunk just come back with a trolley

full of cheese just pepperamies just love to know it's a pepperami I've had a pepperami for ages I've had that as well no I had a pepperami

the other day I'd not had one in about two years and they are horrible yeah they always work yeah but there was no satisfaction from it at all

but do they still do them pepperamas in a roll why is that it's a sauce roll it's a sauce roll but with the pepperami in it

no it's not pastry it's bread a bun you mean a roll. Why is that? It's a such a draw but with the pepperoni in it. No, it's not pastry. It's bread. Oh, it's bread. A bun, you mean a roll. Posh. I'm not posh at all. It was called

I'm sure it was called a pepperoni. In a roll. In a bun. In a bop, man. In a bomb cake. Or a pepperoni in a bomb cake.

Now. I've never I don't think I've ever eaten a pepperoni. I think I've looked at them and thought, it just looks nasty. And like the advert was the bit of an animal advert. Yeah, has that really got through to you?

Like if they don't even know which bit, I'm not going there. It's like anything that's called a meat square, I'm always reluctant. I had it with a sausage the other day. I ordered a sausage and I forgot that Edinburgh do a meat square. I'm always reluctant. I had it with a sausage the other day. Yeah. I ordered a sausage and I forgot that

Edinburgh do sausages all wrong. Square sausages. They do sausages all right. Square sausage. They do square sausage. You have to order a link sausage. I know, I got them mixed up. Good tip.

It's link or lawn. Is it lawn, is it? That's the square one. Lawn's the square one, yeah. Yeah, I got them mixed up. Why's it called a lawn? I don't know. Why'd you call it a square one?

Maybe because it is like a lawn. Is it a grassy bit? It looks like a square, a nice lawn. What's it called, a lawn? I don't know. Why don't you just call it a square one? Maybe because it is like a lawn. Is it a grass? Yeah, it's like a square, a nice lawn. Doesn't the back yard look like something you'd find on the lawn as well? Oh, yeah. Flat brown thing. I had it yesterday. I was like, heartbroken.

I really was. What is? I've got a bit obsessed with sausages this week. I was just leaving that hanging because it's such a lovely sentence. Are you not normally a sausage fan? no I like sausages you like a sausage oh I love a sausage don't get me wrong

I'm not slagging off sausages but at all but this fringe good clarification no not even a little bit but this fringe I have been wanting for sausage

very very much do you make that sound any more funny I eat a sausage inside me now what I will tell you is I've got so whatever sort of sausage

whatever size whatever colour I just sound sausage oh no no whatever size of course beginner such a sausage novice if you just like

lots of little sausages or one massive one yeah no but as the years go on mate you'll learn you'll meet a girl in your 30s or 40s you're just like lots of little sausages or one massive one. Yeah, no, but as the years go on, mate, you'll learn. You'll meet a girl in your 30s or 40s, you'll just go, do you know what, that's amazing. You go, what do you mean it's amazing? It's like, no, that fills me perfectly.

And you'll be like, all right, it's perfect. It fills me perfectly. My sausage is actually perfect. So we're just talking about cocks now. Awesome girl. No, we were managing to keep it balancing on that line between food and cocks. She started giggling at sausage. Yeah, but that was fine.

That's a bit of cheeky innuendo and you've just gone and been filling a girl with a cock. Unless it's a sausage that fills her. Yeah, I say sausage all the time. You could still be doing that. All right, well, that's my problem. I carry a sausage around just in case. Is it in your pants? It's in his bra, that's why it smells so much.

But do you never get that? I always have sausage over bacon if there's a choice between a bacon sandwich oh I see right no no like a float if it's a bacon sandwich

or a sausage sandwich I'm always going to pick a sausage sandwich same actually and I think most people are like oh bacon butty

bacon butty but no sausage for me it was bacon that stopped me from becoming vegetarian do you know what? I wish we could have filmed that the way you said that. You look so sad.

Bacon has stopped me becoming a vegetarian because I just eat it all the time. Because I wanted to be a vegetarian because I loved animals. I was about eight or nine. And my mum said,

which I think is a brilliant response, just because you stop eating them doesn't mean they stop killing them. Yeah, yeah. Which is a great response. But also she said, you know you won't be able to have your christmas morning bacon sandwich not even once a year no i'm not gonna be a vegetarian then especially for about four minutes

wow wow because we always have christmas morning bacon sandwich always have so you've never been a vegetarian all of you bit between all of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get a bite each and pass it on. Yeah, yeah. Heartbreaking, isn't it, the North? That's all we could afford. Yeah. You've never been a vegetarian? Never crossed your mind?

No, well, I'm from a family of butchers. Well, that might have made you a reward. It could have done, couldn't it? Yeah, it could have done. But you've got three sausages. Yeah, I've got three. Yeah, it's great. Sausages every week.

I just have them all the time. A family of butchers. Well, no, that sounds like we're all at it like murderers yeah it does yeah it sounds like a crime syndicate

it was very big in the north west but it was only ever on the manchester news it was never on our family the butcher family it was

no my dad was my dad worked at a cook meets place my grandad was a master butcher and I worked with him actually for quite a while

my grandad did a saturday job and worked in the butchers. What did you do as a Saturday kid in the butchers? Ew. Played with the mate. Well, have a guess. Pretended all the sausages were your meat. Tell you what, I remember, I remember this quite clearly.

In front of your granddad. He was joining in. And he got arrested. Yeah. I remember, I can vividly remember ripping a pig's heart to pieces right

it was really horrible it was like because it had like the aortas and all that sort of thing I remember standing there and like having my fingers in it

and like and pulling it to the ground it's nice to know that this is the bit that the police will be listening to after you're found out yeah yeah

it was but I was I was quite good at it I got quite good at it how big is a pig's heart? Yeah, big. Really? Yeah.

Is that bigger than ours? Not great for a podcast. It's not. Just to let the listener know we're sort of miming around the size of a pig's heart. Yes, there it is. They always do it in fruit though.

It's grapefruit, isn't it? It's always measured in the size of fruit, isn't it? Everything is measured in fruit. Is that? I like the fact that you didn't question it. You just told us. Yeah, it's just a fact.

Well, it's about 6,000 bananas train rides to Glasgow, isn't it? But if people say... I remember last year's Grand National winner was like 4,000 grapes. But you don't... No, no. Medical things, they always measure them like, oh, that cyst is the size of a... Oh, that bollock, how big is your bollock? Oh, it shouldn't be like, oh, that cyst is the size of a... Oh, that bollock, how big's your bollock?

Oh, it shouldn't be that big. It shouldn't be the size of a pomegranate. What doctor is this? How big's your bollock? It shouldn't be the size of a pomegranate. Before you've even been examined. Before I even look at this, if this bollock's the size of a pomegranate,

then you're in bother, mate. You don't even need a scan. Is my doctor doing things wrong, then? How long have you known your doctor for? Not long. Right, okay. I should probably get rid. Definitely a doctor.

Oh, I agree, grosses. It's one of the two. I know what you mean. I know what you mean, though. Yeah, sometimes they say that. So pigs aren't the size of a good grapefruit. A good grapefruit grape or a small melon

I think small melons a bit what are those posh ones called garla melon maybe a little bit less than a garla melon

I've never bought a whole watermelon because it was on offer have you ever finished one no I have

in one sitting I've made myself really ill in one sitting wow last'm ever so really ill. In one sitting. Wow. Last time I was up here, the year before last when I did a show,

I bought from Lakeland a pineapple corer. Okay. So then we kept, I was staying with Juliet Myers and Sally Ann Hayward and we kept just buying pineapples because you just sort of screw it down and then you end up with the core, just like a big pineapple dildo and then all the slices

and it was amazing because we're like wow this is, oh it's phenomenal but then I ate a whole pineapple, I asked Twitter what happens if you eat a whole pineapple like in a, I mean I was just asking for a friend when I'd just eaten a whole pineapple and they went you'll just get the shit that's alright, but on the plus side your spunkle tastes better apparently

right, because I have. Depends if you like pineapple. Don't cough it back up! We turned the wrong way. That'll happen. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Have you had any Barack O'Ways yet this festival? I don't, yeah, do you know, don't you hate, well I guess it might be different for a lady because you sit down and don't look at your wee, but I don't know if you know,

when a man has a wee, right, you can see it. I don't know if you know. You can see it coming out, right? Because we stand up and do it. It's like a little show every time. But one of the worst things

in my life, I don't know if it's a thing for everyone, but is when you've forgot you've had a brocker. Yes. Yeah. Forgot you've had a brocker,

do a wee, and you're like, what on earth is happening? And you go, I had a brocker. I had a brocker, yeah. I had a brocker. It's the same as if you eat beetroot is happening? And you go, I had a broca. I had a broca, yeah. I had a broca. It's the same as if you eat beetroot

and you figure you've eaten beetroot. Yeah. Beetroot surprise. And asparagus as well. Asparagus as well. Yeah, because that hits you, the smell hits you before anything else.

I went to hospital once with blood in my urine because I'd eaten a beetroot. At what point did you remember you'd eaten beetroot? Well, I knew already, but I thought,

I thought I'd had beetroot in I knew already but I thought I thought I'd had beetroot in the past and that had never happened before there was a good chance there was actually blood in it

but yeah it was just like it came out looking like blood and I nearly fainted I'm very very squeamish and stuff and I nearly fainted

and went to ANA but they said they could find no trace of blood at that point but a lot of beetroot yeah because that's what they do they always whenever you have of blood at that point but a lot of beetroot because that's what they do

whenever you have a blood test they always check for beetroot at the same time take a bit out of your arm and they're like it's definitely blood there's no beetroot in it it's good to have a check at each time alright I'll go and have a beetroot check oh no that's different they're about that size

when my mum had, my mum had a Yorkshire Terrier when she was little and sometimes when it got happy, she would go, she didn't, because this is what they called it in the house,

she didn't know what it meant because she was only little and she'd go, oh, mum, Roy's got his beetroot out again. Lipstick is a thing. Lipstick, yeah. The lipstick's popped out.

Beetroot. Beetroot. I might get my beach out when you've gone if you could wait till I've gone I'll send you a picture put it with the other one I could have a folder then

that would be amazing then you could give them it all in one go these are all the things he sent to us even after I did the podcast I can't believe but you know what

when I sent you that picture because I had a genuine panic on as I was doing it and as I was sending it I thought I don't know that well

it was that thing of going I was trying to be funny and trying to be silly and I knew that you wouldn't be able to do the podcast and stuff

but I sent it and then you sent me back something I think you said genuinely speechless. And I was like, oh, I don't know what that means. I could go either way. And for a few texts then,

I wasn't sure. I honestly wasn't sure. And I was getting into quite a panic. That's really funny, though, that you were just panicking about it. But I was considering sending her a picture of me all with proper clothes on and going, oh, sorry, I sent the wrong one. This was the one I meant to send me in a suit. Because that would convince me to do a podcast

even more. She must really like men with their clothes on. That's her thing. It was the first time I felt I was losing my charms when I sent her that picture and it still didn't work. Well Angela Barnes got the live version didn't she? When Angela arrived for an interview at the podcast last year

and Ray was just standing there in his pants at the door. Imagine that. Was she early? Nope. Not really. She might have been late. Oh,

and that was... Maybe she was late and that's why I was like, right, I was late. Yeah. But you were late. But I've already had the picture,

so... Yeah, I don't think... It wouldn't have the same impact to get the live version. We could never... No, exactly.

And I might compare, like, I might go, oh, you look better in the picture or, oh, you look better now, or, yeah,. We could never recognize it. And I might compare, like, I might go, oh, you look better in the picture, or, oh, you look better now, or, yeah. And it could have been awkward. So it's probably best that you keep your clothes on. I mean, obviously, I'm naked now as we're doing this.

That's what's bothering me about this, is that you're sat there with everything out, and saying to me, oh, keep your clothes on, keep your clothes on. I know some girls like that, where they're like, oh, let's be naked around a clothed man. No, mate, no. What's girls like that. Where they're like, oh, a lesbian naked around a clothed man. No, mate. No. What's girls like that? What have girls been telling

you? You keep your clothes on. That's what really turns me on. Oh, I'll tell you what will really make me horny. Go away. Please leave. I like you from the other side of the door. That's a real thing.

Like, come in the women's changing rooms. It is. It's just what women say to you. Really? Every girl I've ever met has had that little fantasy about, oh, you keep all your clothes on and we won't do anything.

Not that we don't do anything. They take all the clothes off and cuddle around me oh and that's nice but I've got yeah I can see why that's well that's harsh that you've just

found that out that you thought that was a thing that women did no why do you think every woman was into that mate

because every woman was into that they've all been different they've all been different we We've all been different. We've all had you in common, though. You're the common denominator in this, aren't you? I don't like it.

I don't like you coming in here and calling me a denominator. Oh, well. You know now. I mean, I feel better that you know. What are real ones? What are real ones, then? So you're saying that's not one of the real ones, about being clothed? Yeah.

Is it true that there's poison in a willy? Is that what you're saying? There's poison in it and that's why it's there? There is poison in some of them. So that's why. But the poison, if the poison is in your vagina, then it's fine. But the poison in your mouth then that kills you so that's why

sometimes they won't they'll let you do them but they won't they always let me go there no matter what

but it's something to do with the liquid in the mouth like the saliva and the fuses doesn't it

it does and you just end up stuck forever which I mean might sound fun for you but how would you and they fuses doesn't it it does and you just end up stuck forever which I mean might sound fun for you but how would you get to Asda

but how do they do it in the porn films some people do do it oh but they those women are specially made they're not real women you can look at them

they're not real women they're specially made for porn films they're like genetically engineered women because that's why you look

and you go this doesn't look like my missus or this doesn't look like I was going to say

my mum that's what we all want how long will I have to wait to find a

porn film where the lead actress looks like my mum oh no so yeah so that answers that question have you got any other that just looks like my mum. Oh no. So yeah,

so that answers that question. Have you got any of this? I mean, you know, you don't... I feel like they're making fun of me. No, you know, you've got a woman here,

just, you know, ask any questions that you want to know about women and I'll honestly answer them for you. Alright. I've got quite a few actually. Okay.

My mum, Millican, is, it'd be better, it'd be easier if I showed you. I've got quite a few actually okay my mum and my mum it'd be easier if I showed you if I'm doing it right we can ask them the questions tomorrow have you got a pomegranate for comparison you know the I'll be mature about this

you know the buster ends the bits that stick out on the end of them buster ends You know the Buster Ends? The bits that stick out. Yes. On the end of them. Buster Ends. Yeah, the Buster Ends. I thought he was a musician. He's a singer, isn't he?

That's Buster Rhymes. Buster Rhymes, not Buster Ends. Buster Rhymes. You know the Buster Ends, when they all stick out, or hard, because it's cold? Yes.

Right. Or, yes, no, it's fine. Or what? No, it's fine. Carry on. I've only ever seen them in the cold. What are the other things that could happen

why aren't you taking women to warm places to have such um sometimes sometimes they go sometimes they go

hard when do you remember when the ladies rub up against your puffer jacket and you've still got all your clothes on

but she's naked I can barely see it from my balaclava And you've still got all your clothes on, but she's naked. I can barely see it from my balaclava. Is it, right, because some people have said this is wrong, and I don't know if it is or not. Is part of the fun to get them as far away from the body as possible? So, like, really pull them as far away from the body as possible. So, like, really pull them as far away from the body as possible. I think you are allowed to do that if, in return, the woman is allowed to play punch bag with your pomegranates.

Pea cooking gamble, pea cooking gamble. I like watching one bun every minute, but I'm always glad when they pixelate the nunnies. I think it's always good that it should be squared off. Why do I like watching One Bun Every Minute but I'm always glad when they pixelate the nunnies I think it's always good that it should be squared off why do I like watching it? I like the story as soon as the baby's

born I'm not interested because I don't really like babies but I like all of the story and all the story beforehand because it's real it's proper people

but as soon as the oh I'm like oh no I'm not saying it's not just like women having babies yeah but you get the story

so it's a woman who's been trying for 15 years or a woman who's had some miscarriages or a 17-year-old who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. So it's like a soap, but better, because it's real. But then as soon as the baby's born,

there was one woman who, oh God, it got stuck halfway out. And I just thought, I'm not very good at peeing. I'd have just gone, just leave it. Yeah. I'd be alright. Just leave that alive.

Walk around with it. Or was it the head coming out because you just leave it. Yeah. I'd be honest. Just leave it. You can't walk around with it. Was it the head coming out? Because you could feed it and stuff. It would be shitting inside you, so it's not ideal. Was it where its arm's out? No, I don't think it's where its arm's out. No, I'm frustrated with that. It's just its head and shoulders.

Like a dog in a sleeping bag. How do you mean? That's so hard. A dog in a sleeping bag. That would be hard. You must have put a dog in a sleeping bag come on you must have put a dog in a sleeping bag to be honest I've never had a dog to put in a sleeping bag

does the sleeping bag have to be dog sized no it's got to be tied around it's neck pretty tight oh no you're so horrible you send porn to people you barely like and you put dogs in sleeping bags it'd be like a big dog-faced worm.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Aw, you know, you've made it nice, Edwin. Yeah, yeah. There's always horrible things about me but I've never had a blowjob.

Because your willy is full of poison. I'm cursed. So, let's talk about the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes. Before we all start fucking. Wow, that was a good warning.

What are you getting at? That's fair, isn't it? It's more fun. You just know when you basically get out as soon as we finish talking about the Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to bring a cord to break. Keep those clothes on. Did Edinburgh make you?

I think it helped. So it wasn't the big springboard? keep those clothes on did Edinburgh make you just then was Edinburgh the I think it helped was it the so it wasn't the big springboard er yeah it might have been actually because I think

because my first because I did Big Value yeah and then had a year off yeah and then because I know some people

do the two handers but I just didn't really want to do that I thought well because then I think I'm never sure if you lose that half an hour and you can't put it

in your hour yeah yeah yeah or if you can you think I'm not going to lose my best half an hour to you know show that probably not many people will see because the whole point of doing a two-hander is to be under the radar that's what two comics do so I did my first show in oh 2008 maybe 2009 can't remember and uh and I was in the hut uh 55 seat there and I think I think on the second last two weeks it was second half

it was half industry and half punters okay so I think it was because I got a five star review on my first night right that helped sell it out

okay you know but then they were sort of cramming in as many industry people as they could and I think it was a good opportunity for people to see me do well

yeah so yeah I think maybe not so much the award was brilliant and I love the award don't get me wrong but I think the fact that I had a good opportunity for people to see me do do well yeah so yeah i think maybe not so much the award was brilliant and i love the award don't get me wrong but i think the fact that i had a good show and a good agent who got the right people in i think yes so i think as a showcase yes but i don't think the award means as as much as i think outside of edinburgh the award doesn't mean as much as yeah i'd like to think it does. Were you ambitious, though? Were you actually... Yes.

Were you actually facing ambitions? Were you, okay. I always have been. So why, then? I just wanted to do the best that I can. That's not a conversation I wasn't meant to be. No, no, no. I just want to do as good as I possibly can.

I want to reach the top of whatever my skills allow me to get to. Right, okay. I don't want to just do quite well and flounder. If I can work really hard and move that up, then why wouldn't you do that? Because I've got a PlayStation. I've never had a PlayStation. See, maybe that's the massive difference.

Maybe that is the difference between the ones from the hot that made it and the ones from the hot that didn't. Never had a PlayStation. Yeah, yeah. I played it once this fringe and that's just for 14 days

I've been straight through I work my arse off I really do I work very very hard you have to up here though yeah

I know I know that oh no okay who's this about now is this about you now oh it's always about him what's upsetting

you nothing's upsetting me I just work very very hard and I want to be the Sarah Mook on the TV show you want to be What do you know? Oh, it's always about him. What's upsetting you? Nothing's upsetting me. I just work very, very hard. And I want to be the Sarah Milken TV show. You want to be the Sarah Milken TV show? What would I have to do? To be a television programme instead of a person.

What would I have to do to have the same show as you? How long have you been doing Edinburgh? My first one was 99. 99. Have you missed a boat? I've missed a boat, haven't I? No, there's boats all the time. Oh, good. It's not just one boat. That's what he said, if you think there's one boat.

There's loads of boats. There's one boat and I've missed it. That's crazy. I think, you know, if you it depends what you want to do. It depends if you want to do, if you want to have your own show then it's easy. You see, it's... You don't want your own show. So your question was, what do you want to do it depends if you want to do if you want to have your own show then it's easy you see it's no you don't want your own show so your question was what do i have to do to get a show like you right and then immediately so do you want your own show you don't want to do it you don't want to do it oh you just want to have it yeah you want to tell people that's why you haven't got one so far

oh so your program so your programme oh right oh you're the kudos without the hard crafting I don't want to do the actual show why don't you just tell people you've

got a show yeah let's just you know I I write column for the radio times I could chat to them and see if they

could just put you in the listings yeah that would be amazing Ray Peacock show yeah just tweet it tweet delighted to hear

delighted to hear about the Ray Peacock show has been recommissioned for a third series do that we could all start doing that you could just

through the podcast everybody could do it yeah we've got a lot of listeners you could do everything to that people thought you had a tight show you didn't

let's see how many people we can get to turn on BBC One at 7.30 on a given day expecting the Ray Peacock show 7.30 you two are you having a laugh against the Ray Peacock show

not just them I'm the sidekick. 7.30 Saturday night, we're the new faces of Saturday night telly. You're the new Ant and Dick. Yeah, exactly. We were nearly pirates. You were nearly pirates. We were nearly pirates.

I can't keep hanging on to this. We went for one audition for a CBBC programme. Oh, I heard about this. Yeah. You heard about the audition? No, I heard about the programme. One of my, oh, this is a different one, because there was a pirate programme,

then there was another programme. My friend went, I think she went for the programme one of my oh no this is a different one because there was a pirate programme then there was another another programme my friend went I think she went for the pirate one but then she also went for a different programme and she but she was told it was about pirates as well she must have thought

it was a different thing oh okay so she went along all you know I think it's a bit more like farmer but you know what I mean and she had

she took like the outfit and everything and then I just stopped her in the middle of the audition and went I think you've misunderstood it's a pilot she's wearing the

gear that's amazing she is phenomenal I think that's awesome it's a pilot oh shit I know it is and just this is

what I wear I always wear this anyway you'd have to stale it out I know I know I know I am a pilot

on my way to a fancy dress party we did it but it was for like little tiny kids weren't it yeah

we're too scary for tiny kids we were too scary really shouted down the lens oh and then they went were you in your pants

no I wasn't but do you know what we did actually did the casting quite well and we felt that it went quite well because it was like knocking about and jumping about and stuff but then at the end of it they went were you in your pants no I wasn't do you know what we actually did the casting quite well and we felt that it went quite well because it was like knocking about

and jumping about and stuff but then at the end of it they went so how do you actually feel about doing children's television and I went

oh I'm gone is this to do with you Tree he said that he said is it a Saville thing imagine going to an audition for CBeebies and saying

is this about Saville we've gone to Manchester on our own dollar to do it, to cast him. And he said Savile. But it was horrible because only one of them laughed. And there was about seven of them there and only one of them laughed. And it wasn't me.

Yeah, I know. But you see, that's good that you got the audition and you did well at the audition. It's not that you've got to work on being good or being funny or being creative or being productive. You've just got to work on keeping your fucking mouth shut when they're making their decisions. It's hard though, isn't it?

No, it's really not. Try not to make any paid fan jokes at children's telly. It's not hard. Yeah, that is the opposite of what you should have done but having an air of mischief you've got an air of mischief yeah but it's just too dicey

what you did is too dicey but you do live telly and stuff as well didn't you I have done some live telly and this one wasn't live was it yeah it was was it

yeah yeah and I've done one show a few times and that's live and it's I like live telly I like live telly mainly because if you get interviewed

you can do call books but you can't in live telly because you don't know if you because it'd be like and that was just the teachers and they'd be like no you're talking about what you talked about before um but i like doing i quite like doing live telly but i think you see it depends what you want to do it's tricky because i because i was all right on a panel show it's not brilliant but all right on them and also because there aren't many women doing them, you get sort of booked on them a bit more, I suppose. Then that's an easy route for TV people to see it. So, you know, it depends if you want to do that sort of thing,

which I think is tricky in the two of you. But you... I don't want to do that. You don't want to do that? No. You don't do anything that's got actual work, do you? I think you're narrowing a lot of your options here, mate. You can't just say, I don't want to do that.

Pop singer. Pop singer. How many pictures have you sent to Radio 4 to see if you can get a Radio 4 series? How many of those have you done? What is Radio 4? Have you done a taster tape? Have you done anything?

Yes, I have done that. I have done a taster tape. And sent it anyway? Oh no, sorry, what is it? Sent it anyway. That wasn't when you ate that VHS. No. Okay, no. Alright, no. I have had a taste of tape. oh no sorry what is it send it anyway that wasn't when you ate that VHS no okay no

alright no I have had a taste of tape I've never I've never done a taste of it sorry okay have you ever

filmed what you do and sent it yes I have and she didn't even know about it it was just me behind her doing muscle man signs

signs I love that he calls them signs muscle man signs it is love it he calls them signs it is a sign of something isn't it yeah

I've got a show reel okay but it's private I think okay so just for you people watching

it no I've got no I think it's like you can't have it on YouTube because it's got channel 4 stuff on

and when you put channel 4 stuff on YouTube YouTube recognises it immediately and kills it oh really yeah just for

channel 4 like BBC just channel four so it's on i think it's on vimeo or something like that with a private password that they can send to casting directors all right okay i haven't got anything yet okay what else what else does he make i don't know it's i think the radio thing you can tell me to give up if you want i'm guessing people already have love do you get do Avalon send industry to you in your shows I don't know we don't know

who's Avalon do you remember James that man that man you keep saying he's our manager he is our manager you keep saying he's our manager do you know that man

who comes down again and says he's making notes at the back but he's clearly just sending an email yeah that man I don't know I think so they said that there was some industry in there and I think they said that comes down again and says he's making notes at the back but he's clearly just sending an email. Yeah, yeah. Batman. I think so. They said that there was

some industry in there the night they said that. Okay. And then what happens there? Do they chase that industry? They didn't say what industry. They didn't say what industry. Yeah.

Could be the butcher. Could be any sphere workers anyone could have. Could be just members of your family with their cleavers. It could. I don't know what to do now, Sarah.

You've got me panicking. Why have I got you panicking? I've wanted all of me panicking I feel like you've run out of ideas for me and now there are none left to be fair I am doing this off the top of my head I did not come prepared to give career advice after you go it can be like five or six sides of a four it's a selection of ideas

maybe try this maybe try this all of these things involve work, don't you? Is it work? Is it work? Give me your... Right, this is what we'll do. I will host one of your shows.

But I will do it all. I'll have all your lines. Right, so you want me to write jokes for you to tell? For me to do for the general public, yes. Actually, that sounds quite good because then I wouldn't have to be there, would I? Right, give me one joke now. I'm going to cut the joke out, tell me a joke, and then I will show how I will tell it.

Oh, God. I can't think of any jokes now. Mate, you know this is an audition now. Not for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm up for it. I'm up for it. I thought you mentioned butyry at the end.

I don't know. Right, so Sarah's told me a joke, and here I am. at the end and I'm like Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble right so Sarah's told me a joke and here I am ready to do the joke now okay action

here we go so come on hey good evening hey good evening I'll use that come on that is a microphone good evening everybody

welcome to this the Ray Peacock show and it is a nice joke and I know you're just standing in for Sarah so it's still we could call it the Ray Peacock show. And there's a nice... You're just standing in for Sarah. I could call it the Ray Peacock show that week. No, you can't. Because the man that does the graphics...

What's your programme called? Sarah Millican Television Programme. Welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme. Sarah can't be here this week. You've got to stop and let them applaud after you've said the title. Don't get frustrated. I'm not. I'm not.

I think I'm just tired. Okay, try again. Are they clapping when I walk on? We'll clap. Yes, we'll do clapping. Here we go. Music's starting. Hello, hello, good evening.

Welcome to the Sarah Millican television programme. If you're going to do that all night, it's going to really start annoying me. Okay, can I just stop you there? If you're going to get annoyed when they're enjoying it, then... I don't know why they're clapping after everything I say. They're just excited to be there. Because, I mean, well, actually, to be fair, if you're on, they might not be that excited.

Right, well, let's turn down the applause. Right. Start again. I'm walking on, right? So they're clapping. Do you think it's going to be you? Then I walk on. What?

Good evening. Oh. Good evening. Oh. Good evening, everybody. How nice to be here. Welcome to the Sarah Milken television programme. Her beard's worse than I thought it was. Why has the warm-up come on again? Oh, God.

So Sarah can't be here this evening because... Oh, I'm going to... What? I'm going to have to go. But she might be along later on. Vera passes me back. But here's a joke, though. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae' the whiskey's broken, seemingly. It's one of my jokes. Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Please, you've got to meet me halfway, please. Who's? Who's? There. There. Who's there? There It's something about I have a big one or something

Get out then What? Get out Out, out, out, out Okay, I'm through Aww Aww Aww okay I'm doing it okay aw aw aw

let's give put your bag down let's give him a chance look what he's going to deal with every day right you're not saying that I couldn't do that one week

you're not saying no mate that wouldn't be the best telling I would genuinely that would be amazing I'd get fired

but it might be worth it if no one ever knew about it, that's how it started. It was just a test card for another 23 minutes. Oh, hello. I'd love that. Oh, dear me. Sarah, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much.

Oh, it's been so much fun. Thank you. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. That was Sarah Millican. Just in case you didn't realise, we did say at the beginning, it'd be weird if you didn't know it was Sarah Millican or you forgot after

it is odd when you do back announcements isn't it to just go well that was I know I just heard it yeah I just heard it you said who it was

at the beginning I listened to the whole thing she said her name probably throughout it did she she's not the sort of person to go me Sarah Millican

I did this I think part of the problem was with that is that that's probably stemmed from radio where people might just tune in halfway through and then you have to explain

all our years on radio yeah but we do radio mate but yeah but it's to explain it's called resetting is it yeah

is that the name of it yeah but nobody drops into a podcast halfway through do they not no exactly very unlikely anyway anyway we've been Peacock and Gamble yeah

and do you know what I'm not wasting my voice on this anymore no just I hope you like that just fuck off yeah seriously just fuck off

we were number one at the beginning of the fringe yeah god knows what we are now I daren't look no not even bothered actually daren't look but thanks for all your support

if you've listened to this and you haven't been to our show fuck off if you've listened to this and you've never seen us live ever seriously fuck off yeah and if you're one of our ex-girlfriends fuck off if you're listening to this and you've never seen us live ever seriously fuck off yeah and if you're one of our ex-girlfriends

fuck off if you're a family member fuck off no why? they're nice then I know I meant your family no I meant

they are nice mate yeah but I don't like your family you don't like mine so we can both say I think I like your family oh this is awkward your family are brilliant and so earthy

I can't talk I actually can't talk this is fucking horrible Your family are brilliant and so earthy. I can't talk. I actually can't talk. This is fucking horrible. All right, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Trying to plug the show. Oh, yeah, Peacock and Gamble,

Hartstrup, it's 9.45pm. Pleasant's call. Oh, I can't do it either. I can't even rub it in your face. Yeah, fuck you, man. See you tomorrow. The Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a ready production

hosted by chortle.co.uk today's guest was me Sarah Millican and the show is awesome is that right it's made a pun for your show because you've been

selling tickets for it oh my show is awesome anyway this show is awesome all music by Thomas Fun the way is that right see you tomorrow bye nice thanks This show is awesome. Anyway, this show is awesome. All music by Thomas Fun the Way.

Is that right? Yeah. See you tomorrow. Bye. Nice. Thanks. That was an excellent audition. Just the best.

That might have been better than your pirate audition.