The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 16 (Gary Delaney)

Episode Date: July 4, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 16 (Gary Delaney)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 128 of 128.

Pico and Gamble Edinburgh podcast. Right. I'm Ray Peacock. Right, I'm Ed Gamble, but we've got to try and make an effort. Why? They're not making an effort. Yes, of course they are. We did a podcast yesterday and two people noticed. Yeah.

Well, that's a good point. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. There's Gary Delaney. Peacock and Gamble. Peacock and Gamble. So this is the second try at this interview. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, yeah. Because the first one, I mean, I don't even want to take blame for it. Yeah, something went wrong. Because it wasn't something I did. No. But something went wrong with the interview. Something I did. I whinged about the fact that maybe you shouldn't say that. But something went wrong with the interview. Something I did. I whinged about the fact that maybe you shouldn't say that,

maybe that'll get me in trouble. And then the file got corrupted and we didn't have it anymore. Right. Are you serious? Are you joking? Because I had the sweetest. I whispered that into the mic so you wouldn't hear. By the way, I was metaphorically putting my hand around it.

We know that doesn't work. It was the sweetest yet most irritating message i've ever had on my answer machine because i was genuinely i was near to tears i was actually near to tears because i was going maybe it's over here maybe it's over here maybe it's in my hard drive maybe and i went through all these places and then i found it i was like thank fuck for that and then i tried to open it and it wouldn't open it and then i tried several different programs to open it and each one just said file corrupted and then i rang you and told you and then you left me a message saying mate if you're just being diplomatic and you don't want to put

it out then i was like don't say that i was like i'm already really upset without thinking that my friend thinks that i've just gone oh well you were never gonna be on it actually um no so that's why i'd say i want to try and replicate that into you all right let's give it a go i mean you remember what we spoke about one thing i remember was how you used to be we'll get onto that oh yeah yeah and we'll also get on to um that you're you've had a long-standing thing or you certainly had a it was a big deal where you would describe people who worked in comedy as either... Oh, yeah, well, I'd say everyone is a writer or a performer. More specifically, I was much more candid and open in my early years,

less diplomatic, which is probably not always a good idea, but I was very open in my opinion, which I still do actually hold, that everybody is either a writer who is bluffing at performing or a performer who is bluffing at writing. And then Ray got offended. I didn't get offended. Yeah, he did. I didn't get offended. No, we said that you're a writer bluffing as a performer who is bluffing at writing. And then Ray got offended. I didn't get offended. Yeah, you did. I didn't get offended.

No, we said that you're a writer bluffing as a performer. Yeah, yeah. You acknowledge that. Yeah. You said that I was a performer bluffing as a writer. Yeah, because it is a binary world. You can only be one or the other. Why, though?

I've got a spanner to throw in the works. Okay. All performance is bluffing anyway. So if you're a writer who can bluff performance, you are a writer performer. Well, writing is bluffing too. It's you're a writer who can bluff performance, you are a writer-performer. Well, writing is bluffing too. It's just a case of... No, because writing,

you can find out a bad writer way easier than you can find out a bad performer, I think. I think performance is sort of semi-confidence. I don't know. I think it's the same thing to read somebody's writing as to watch them perform. You can gauge their skills.

This is good, isn't it? What we've done, we've gone away. We've deleted your file and then we've sat for a week. How are we going to get it back? And the best way to do it is like Velociraptors I'll get your attention with my eyes and then Ed will pounce from the side.

I like that. That's where our voices have gone because we've just been chatting all night. How are we going to get it? All these sellotape marks on the wall, that's from where we pulled all the charts down. But I still think it's like what you know, what was that last Olympics? The guy in the decathlon, Daley Thompson, right?

And he'd done really well. The last Olympics. The last one I watched. And he'd done really well. But you still, he was quite weak. Was it the discus? He was weak at a couple of things. And he'd done surprisingly well at those and clinched it.

You know, it's big drama. People are still talking about it if they're me yeah but if you're a decathlete you are going to have stronger and weaker revenge you will be you know a javelin man who's bluffing it at the running or whatever because you will never nobody is ever going to have equal skills so that's the same thing the right nobody's ever going to be equally skilled or unskilled as a writer before yeah you're going to have equal skills. So that's the same thing. Nobody's ever going to be equally skilled or unskilled as a writer or performer. Yeah. But my issue with it always was,

with you, and I don't have any real issues with it at all, but my issue with that statement always was that you always favoured the writer bluffing as a performer. So you would put that across like that was a far more noble pursuit than where they're both equally somebody bluffing us something.

The thing is, well, ultimately... Because that's what you are. Yeah, ultimately, I believe the skills I've got are great. Yeah. And the skills I haven't got are shit. Yeah. Let's be honest. Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble.

I was very cocky and, you know, arrogant. You had a leather jacket. Yeah, I did have a leather jacket. I know, I'm just kidding. I used to wear it, you know, I'd sweat to death. And so, yeah, no, I have a leather jacket and i was skinny i used to wear it you know i'd sweat to death and um so yeah no i had a leather jacket and i thought i was pretty rock and roll i had full head of hair in those days as well i was i was literally just looking at your hair that's a sad story of loss yeah i know it's from the front if i'm looking from the front and you're short with me it looks like i've got a full head of hair right uh but

then if i turn around or i'm performing in front of a mirror yeah a gig like you sometimes are i found out i was balding because i watched a video of myself testing some new material at the Manchester Comedy Store. And every time I leant forward, there was a glint on the camera. I thought, that camera's buggered, isn't it? There's something wrong there. Is that genuinely true? Yeah, absolutely. And I was like, it's not a camera.

And it was bouncing off your head. It was bouncing off my head. And I was like, well, I didn't know that. Is there nothing you can do about it? I don't think you should. I've tried a couple of things. Were you trying all new stuff about having a full head of hair yeah I was like

I was like hey I'm a hip young kid just off today I was out chatting to that Beyonce and listening to some other popular singer of the day

I don't know like Pat Benatar or whatever the kids are getting down to yeah Fleetwood Mac I was talking to my girlfriend the other day she was talking about some singer and I didn't know who she was you didn't know who your girlfriend was no I didn't talking to my girlfriend the other day

she was talking about some singer and I didn't know who she was you didn't know who your girlfriend was no I didn't know who this singer was

she was describing and she said they're calling her the new Emily Sandé and I was like I don't know who Emily Sandé is so she had to

find a reference that I knew and she said well she's the new Elkie Brooks and I was like oh well fine okay I've got well she's the new Elkie Brooks and I was like oh well fine okay I've got it

she's the new Elkie Brooks that's that you know if someone says a name that you've completely forgot about and then they say that's a hilarious name

Elkie Brooks I'm in a bizarre cultural sort of no man's land where I didn't know who either of those people that's because you're young I don't know

Emily Sandoz forehead hair fuck you I'm older than you and I've Full head of hair. Fuck you. There you go. I'm older than you and I've got a full head of hair look. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Whoa.

What happened? The biggest, like, four two-pence pieces all sort of crowded together and just bare skin. I'll put my head forward again. Do you moonlight as a monk? What? Is this true? It's hard to see. It might just be the grey.

I can't tell. I have got a little bit of grey. I considered for a moment, I thought maybe if I pretend I'm Jewish and I put on, is it like a yarmulke, right? You put one of those little domes on your bald spot. It looked like I still had a full head of hair,

but I decided at 40 to become Jewish. Yeah, I don't think that's why they do it. I don't think they... Do you know what I'm thinking? Jewish men get older, they have bigger and bigger why they do it. I don't think they... Do you know what I'm thinking? When Jewish men get older, they have bigger and bigger yarmulkes. That's how the toupee

was invented. A rabbi drops his yarmulke on a barbershop floor. He's like, well, that is a good idea. This sticky yarmulke that I had had money sandwiches under,

kind of like a bear, is now the ideal hair repository. I actually have tried using stuff on my hair to sort of make that, and it doesn't really do anything. It's just a mousse, and it just makes your hair all puffy, so it looks like you've got more of it. Do you use it to end point things on your hair? I tried using regain to see if it ended my hair.

Are you that brave, really? Yeah, yeah. Did you say that you put puffy mousse? You put puffy mousse? I tried putting a mousse and make my hair go all puffy. Yeah, yeah. And then you put puffy clothes on to match. And do a puffy face and walk very puffy.

OK. So I thought it was a good business investment. Yeah, we could still keep doing the college gigs. It looks fine. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. Vanity. You have to suspend your vanity.

Comedy's not about vanity. The best comics suspend their vanity you know it's ridiculous I always mention in my show because I'm wearing shorts because I'm so fat and sweaty in such a hot room

that I mention that if the ladies look closely between the bottom of the short and the top of the sock you can see a little bit of eczema

you know and it gets a laugh so I just said it one night because it was true because I'd been scratching before the show and I thought yeah and it can't laugh

and I thought I'll just keep that in so I'm a big believer that a comic should suspend vanity and that's why I think it's very impressive about like Miranda she has no vanity on that show

I think that's wonderful yeah no okay but you know vanity has no place in comedy yeah I agree but yes I did try

putting some stuff on my head it didn't really do anything but then I felt right I'll tell you a story I was on my first Mock the Week one of the stories was that week's England match so I was. I was on my first Mock the Week. One of the stories was that week's England match.

So I was going, I was in makeup beforehand and I always feel a bit awkward, it feels a bit artificial to me and it's just, oh, how do you want me to make it?

So I just make a joke and I say, oh, can I be, how do you want to look? Can I be a little bit sort of taller and slimmer and with a full head of hair?

I was like, oh, funny, you know. We all do that. Yeah, yeah, and then the woman said,

well, I could probably do something a bit about your hair, you know, and try and sort of, you know, cover that do. Yeah. Yeah. And, and then the woman said, well, I could probably do something a bit about your hair, you know, and try and sort of, you know, cover that up a little bit. And I said,

all right then. So they basically, my uncle's a rabbi. Yeah. Lovely. Lovely. No. So,

so yeah. So, and I was Jewish. I'm my first mark. No, no. So they sort of basically spray paint it like a car

because that's pretty much what happens. They get out brown shit. Loads of people do this on the telly, by the way. Who else does it on the telly? I'm not going to say anything. You can only spot it

with the blonde ones. And the cars. Car with a wig on. So they sort of spray paint it and sort of bulk it up and it makes it, you know, my pillow that night looked like a wig on right and so they sort of spray paint it and sort of bulk it up and it makes it you know my pillow that night

looked like I'd shat on it it really did I woke up the next morning what the fuck oh god that's my hair so I had that and I you know I thought

I was such I just you know the vein part I thought it's alright I'm going to look a bit less bad on the telly people who haven't seen me

people who went to school would go ah you've already come to see me on the telly for 20 years you're slapping so I went out and pretty much

the first topic was that England game and then it was like doing jokes about Wayne Rooney's hair transplant and I had a feeling that might have

cropped up that week so I'd written some jokes about that and I was doing them and they were getting laughs and I was sat there going you utter hypocrite

sitting there taking the piss out of somebody for his hair weave when my top of my shiny head had been coloured in basically with a big pen.

It's a weird thing, isn't it? So since then, I've never had that done. I've just sat there proudly with my bold spot and my yarmulke covering it up and talking about

my newfound faith. It is a yarmulke if it's got the little propeller on the top, isn't it? Is that the same thing? Flying Jews. That's the one That's the name

This is very important Because you were Slagging me off Narrow it down And it's important That we get to the bottom of this So Performer

Bluffing as a writer Okay That's what I am apparently According to Gary Delaney Yeah yeah Why Why Have you assessed that

Yeah because Your skills are Performer You Why? Have you assessed that? Yeah, because you're a performer, you know, excel in support. Exemplary. Yeah. No, absolutely, they are outstanding. Stunning. This is the problem. Now that he's seen our show, now he's got to go, wait, honestly, you can get away with murder. No, but your performance is incredible.

I mean, you can write. there's no two ways about that there were some lovely jokes in that show yeah yeah but your performing skill I'll come away from that going that's probably the best

performed show I've seen at the fridge fridge I'm here at the fridge it's all going really well yours is definitely the best show in the fridge yeah yeah

there was some salad doing shit yeah best performed show at the fridge and how many shows, yeah. There was some salad doing shit in the fridge. Best performed show at the fridge. And, uh... How many shows have you seen, though? Oh, like, two?

Right. No, I've seen about 20. And were the best performed one? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Whoa. So it is a compliment. No, it's got really good jokes in it. You know, it was really funny.

I was probably laughing throughout. And I don't laugh unless there are funny words in there. That's true, you know, man. You know, I'm happy to screen out... If somebody is performing excellently shit words, then I'm not interested. I firmly believe that a joke should never have to be shouted. If a joke's only funny if you shout it, it's not a funny joke.

If you take a joke that is funny and you shout it anyway, that's fine, I'll still laugh. That is a funny joke. No, that's fine. Phew. But look, in my youthful arrogance, when I thought I knew everything, now I've learnt I regard myself as more of a beginner now

than I did when I was a beginner. Really? Yeah, because I've realised how much there is to learn and how little I know. You've stylistically changed, though, haven't you? Yes, I have. I'm trying not to be artificial anymore. I've got fucked off with deadpan. Deadpan's really boring and I couldn't do it that well. It was too restrictive.

I disagree with that. I don't really... Maybe I just don't have the confidence to do it anymore. I just fail to style it out and now I panic. You have an arrogance when you're new that you don't realise. Absolutely. Well, we did The Comedy Zone together in 2002, which is the sort of the late night package. It was the first late night package show.

It was the classic year, wasn't it? 2002. They're still selling it off the back of... Well, it's definitely on the posters. Oh, do you know, I found myself on that tiny wheel, by the way. We were talking about the posters, right? Oh, is myself on that tiny wheel by the way we were talking about on posters right

yeah there's some posters to the comedy zone listing in concentric circles all the names big names who've played it in the past and they're using that

as a marketing device to get people to come in and see the new kids mine's a nice size mine's the same size as yours isn't it yeah and I complained

last time we spoke that I wasn't in there at all right but I am in there but you really have to follow it all the way to the middle of the circle and look at the blurry letters where you can just about see like gareth deloney just in tiny little it's like a sight test yeah and it are it was like it's more insulting to be in like font 0.1 i mean you can't you can't be pleased can you not it's better to

have they just forgotten about me oh Oh no, we've remembered him. We've evaluated him. Let's put him right in the anus. And he deserves that time. Yeah, exactly. I am disappearing up the Comedy Zone's anus. When the Comedy Zone needs a poo. So yeah, but we did that year.

It was me, you, Marcus Berman, Nick Doody. And I remember that year. This is my overriding memory of everything from that year. I went on at that show every night and did stuff that I wouldn't dream of doing now. You closed it most nights, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I closed it every night bar one when Doody was ill

and I compared it and didn't compare it well and Andy Zaltzman closed it but I went on every night doing material that I wouldn't dare do now. I don't even know if it was funny or not or whether my performance skills got me through. You were quite naughty, weren't you yeah totally you know mellowed over the years but you had it as a thing that you went out so you used to go very deadpan you would speak one-liners not

dissimilar to stephen wright i guess yeah yeah i kind of to a degree ripped off his style i guess really in the early days i caught kind of oh imagine if you know stephen wright was doing some tim vine style puns yeah i mean there was a reason i tended to find if i did jokes normally they'd get a groan and if i slowed them down and did them as if they were properly serious they tend to get a laugh instead yeah i don't know why that is but i know it's true well i remember the nights when you weren't doing so well in the first sort of five minutes so and people like what is this what is it but then you would go you would say you would stop look at them and go this is all i do and that always brought it back like always brought it back because you were so committed like stubbornly committed to what you i didn't have any other options really it's not what it was i think a bit of that but also just

i'd only just started doing 20s i was really really new to it. Yeah. And I know I just had an arrogance and a certainty. I don't know where it came from. I was quite happy to jack in my job and just do that and be really uncompromising and just think that everything would work out okay. I now look back on some of the risks I took with my life. Yeah. And thought, God, I would never do that now. Yeah. I would never have the balls to do that.

I just feel kind of amazed that I did. But luckily I did and it all worked out. Yeah. Off stage, you weren't like, I did but luckily I did and it all worked out yeah off stage you weren't like I never found I never found you arrogant ever

I always found you very keen I try and hide it I wouldn't usually slag you off until you'd gone somewhere else that's fine

I'm more than aware that must have been happening I've got no issue with that at all but I mean generally now I have a lot of I still sort of

have a bit of my show oh this is just jokes I'm not fanning about there's no dead dad stuff where i've actually been to see some quite theatrical shows that aren't really that funny but are taking you on a journey and telling an interesting story i do actually quite enjoy that sort of stuff and i quite enjoy seeing it done well or something sort of well acted or whatever you know i can pretty much get into most things that aren't music uh so you know so i'm much more liberal than than than i used to be and i do appreciate other skills but i think they're you know we do value most highly the skills that we have although

yeah but do you know i think it was jim jeffries who said that if any comic is being really honest then they would have to say that their most favorite comedian in the world is themselves yeah um and yeah and i agree my favorite comedian is jim jeffries no no the way you introduced that quote was as if it was someone from far loftier than jim jeffries i think it was jim jeffries who said no absolutely yeah absolutely well he's the new oscar wilde yeah but no well maybe that's true or maybe or maybe well i think there's a rationalization for that that isn't just ego. And you certainly find this out if you write for other people.

You haven't written something you wrote ages ago and gone back to it when you'd forgotten about it and read it. And you find it really funny. Because it's 100% match for your sense of humour. And nobody else is ever 100% match. Even if you have somebody who's really good at writing for you, they might be a 60% match.

But nobody can ever write as good for you as you can because nothing ever matches you entirely. this opens up that discussion about that i think is on the increase in comedy i don't know if you do or not but of people trying to write for what they think will do well so trying to write for an audience that it's not necessarily what makes them laugh it's what they think will further them as a comedian i don't i'm not sure there's i don't i don't think i know anyone like that i think whatever people write tends to be what they want to do and what they genuinely find funny have you ever spoke to like a commissioning editor or a production company about things yes two things isn't it there's what you want to do and there's like oh this is what

they're looking for at the minute but i think which do you follow do you tailor it to what they're after what's the flavor of the day or do you go this is what i want to do and let's see if so i think the most successful things are the go, this is what I want to do, and let's see if, I think the most successful things are the people going, this is what I want to do. Yeah. Like, when we've tried to write stuff together

specifically tailored for something, I don't think we ever really manage it, unless we genuinely find it funny as well. Yeah. Yeah, you have to find it funny. We've been asked from time to time to write jokes for something,

and I can't write a joke, save me life. But, you know, Adam, we were asked to do that once. You can bluff it. Only if I can perform it then.

What was the Justin E. Collins thing they asked us to write for? Oops TV. Oops TV. But that was a weird writing project anyway, in that they didn't actually need anything written. It was like a video of a girl falling off a bicycle, and you're supposed to write, oh, girl's falling off a bicycle.

But that's all we ultimately did. Captioning is really difficult. It's one of the hardest things to do. I've worked on a few things where I have to caption. I've got the utmost respect for some of those guys. It's basically the guys, was it like David Kontic and Mark Mayer and who else? Brenda Gil-Hooley and whatnot, who worked on a TV book. Outstanding writing team on that.

It's only when you start trying to do that sort of stuff you go, oh, wow, those guys are good. Yeah, and they knocked it out on a major scale as well. Did I say Mark Mayer? I said Dan Mayer. Yeah, sorry, Dan Mayer I meant. But Mark May a major scale as well but there's an underground did I say Mark Mayer I said Dan Mayer yeah sorry Dan Mayer I meant but Mark Mayer's good as well but there's an underground

team of writers isn't there if you have a look at the credits on TV shows you'll see the same names cover up again and again and again it's about a 20 as a core team

and I'm just about on the periphery I'm on the subs bench of that team but not on the A list of that team but yeah yeah is that something

you'd want to be because this is the problem i think because most of those are either previous performers don't perform anymore or rarely gig now or i've never given there's a trap you fall into because typically unless you're a big name a day's writing will pay you three times what a day's stand-up will pay you really yeah so it's very easy to end up doing more and more writing and less and less stand up I tried right I'm only doing typically

two days a week writing for other things okay because I don't want to get end up just doing that and it'd be very easy to do that you know

is that uncredited as well or is it credited usually credited depends yeah program associated very occasionally you get a program out

there might be one on at the moment where you wrote something and it gets the end and your name's not in the credits and you wrote something and it gets to the end and your name's not in the credits and you go, brilliant, good, leave it out.

I'm well happy not to be on that. Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble. But you're sort of like, you're making strides into TV now. You're getting all your performance skills on Mark the Week. Well, you know,

me, Mr. Before Me, Ad Libby, it's incredible the stuff I can come up with. They mention a news subject. It's almost like when they spin that wheel of news, it's like, stuff i can come up with you know they mention a new subject yeah it's almost like you've got one spin that wheel of news it's like oh i'm glad it landed on that i got loads of jokes about nurses this week but i didn't have anything about factories or shoes right oh what a relief that is right you know and i'm just on it like that yeah you know

and you know it's good it's good you know you can't see like my desk in front of me because there's a little lip in front of it but But if you could, you could see there's nothing there. Nothing there at all. Just my genius. That's all that's there. Just some extra space for genius. Are there still large swathes of the public that believe it? What, believe that it's all off the cuff? Yeah.

Well, the myth is maintained, and I'm not talking about the week now. I don't talk to any members of the public. I just talk to comedians. We all know that telly is a trick, Yeah. The general public don't know that. Right. But the myth is maintained across all panel shows that it's utterly spontaneous. And we know

from the inside that that's very rarely the case. Well, have I gone used to you? Yeah. Pretty much. But then,

you know what's been in the news, so you've got a fair guess. Yeah, cheating, isn't it? The sun on the newspapers the week before.

Yeah, cheating. But there are actually things that come out every day telling you what's going on in the world, so you've got a fair guess. Yeah, cheating, isn't it? They send them the newspapers the week before. Yeah, cheating, yeah. But there are actually things that come out every day telling you what's going on in the world to help you prepare for panel shows. And you can usually buy them at newsagents for about 50p. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper cheating. Someone told me they were a dying out thing.

Yeah, I hope they are. It's a weird... I've not seen What The Week. I've not seen What The Week. I don't think I've ever seen an episode of What The Week all the way through. Right, you probably don't like it. A lot of comics don't really watch that much telly.

Hardly any at all. No. Hardly any at at all and i'd said on the record before i'd never go on a panel show did you yeah yeah absolutely i said i'm quite happy to be in the background i never really want to be on one then i got offered one and i had to think about it yeah and i decided that i was a hypocrite how long did you think about it half an hour really took me half an hour to call back and what did you work out um i i just said right do you know let's say it goes really well um you know do i want to sort of have that change in my career do i actually want to be seen on things are known by people there's so much telly nowadays you can do a few little bits and bobs enough to sell a little tour yeah without people being known the whole idea of being famous seems

horrible to me i don't know but doing a little bit so you can do a little tour as i know it's kind of acceptable yeah um so and i decided that i'd like to do that and i'd like to get i justified it myself by saying i'd like to get a wider audience for my jokes and sort of my best jokes, the ones I keep for me. And so I rang back and I said yes. Okay, that's that for Mott the Week. Yeah, and I'd always said that I just wanted to sort of stay in the shadows of these things and sit, because you can make a nice living if you do a few days a week stand-up,

a few days a week writing, nobody will know who you are, you can make a really good wage and quite happily sit there and you don't get slagged off you're not going to open the papers and be called a cunt or yeah turn on twitter and have 100 people call you a cunt or whatever so you know so that but then i decided to do that because i wanted to do a tour you can do that but you'll never actually get to get your jokes out to that wide an audience do you do you get shit on places like twitter and that because some of your material is is edging towards the darker scale. Yeah,

less dark than it used to be but yes, I still get, I do get stuff, yeah, I mean, I got enough, my first, this is a little bit in the show

but my first Motley Week I did a joke about people from Jersey. There was all that, it was the Jimmy Carr story was in that week. About the tax. Yeah, and this is a little bit

at the end of the show talking about that and I did a joke saying that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to being known as Nazi sympathizers

and they went ape absolutely I got loads of complaints loads and loads of complaints and demands for apologies they went absolutely apeshit people kept emailing me stories about their grandad

during the war and what not were these complaints directly to you? some to me or agents mock the week and that sort of stuff it was quite an interesting sort of story into how these things go i mean because i got to see i mean so i got loads of people calling me a

cunt on twitter and the like but it's fascinating because no one really gives a shit about the channel islands yeah the story was really huge there for about three days never got picked up on the mainland and then just died off yeah and just wound them up but you could see that i would see because i believe my email was in there people on there trying to just they post up links to the iplayer saying watch this about seven minutes in yeah and you'll be offended right yeah and and and here's the people to complain to yeah you know and that so you go well that's just you know entirely fabricated so so i so so i so i did that and um so i got loads i got loads of um i got loads of shit for that. And then I had an apology. I was going to...

I was going to ask for an apology. I think it's bollocks apologising for things. Just save it for when you really need it. So I was going to tweet a little apology saying that perhaps the people of Jersey would have a bit more of a sense of humour if their grandmothers hadn't fucked so many Germans. Right?

That was going to be my apology and apparently that would have just made it worse so I didn't say that I just waited for it all to die down

after a couple of days well I was thinking whenever you do something on telly you're going to get called to come yeah yeah but I was thinking

as you were saying all that do you remember when Jimmy did that Jimmy Carr did that joke about the amputees I don't even remember

what the joke was. It was about soldiers losing their legs and we're going to have one hell of a Paralympics. Right. Spot on, wasn't he? Brilliant joke. He should never have to apologise for that. He didn't have to.

But that's what I'm saying. As soon as you apologise for something like that, you fuel the fire against you because any apology admits liability and admits blame. Yeah, exactly. And you're also saying that what you say is one-liner, therefore it has intent. Of course.

Rather than just going, this is all bollocks. Of course. But there is a degree to which the media feed on each other. If something becomes a big enough story, you probably have to do something. And in that situation, I don't think you can stamp your foot and say, no, this is what it means, because no one's listening. But it was very clear that was a really

good joke of Jimmy's, and I don't think you'd ever worry about having to do that to an audience. Papers could pick up anything. There's jokes in my show. Half the show is here. If the tabloids wanted to pick something up and crucify you on it, they could do that. And that's why I alluded to it earlier, but I am genuinely pleased to see newspapers dying

and when the final newspaper closes that'll be a great day I don't get it why newspapers exist now with the internet I don't get it

I don't get how anyone could possibly part with cash no matter how nominal a fee it is to buy a newspaper nowadays if you get a classic

they're good to sit on the smell yeah there's that I suppose and you can't sit get a car sick they're good to sit on the smell and you can't sit on an ipad because they're just so expensive you can't put isn't that weird that that even exists as a thing it's not it's i imagine their readers must all be my age and above presumably nobody younger reads them this is force of habit i mean i feel the same way about porn i don't know know why anyone would buy porn now. I don't understand it. Why anyone would

go into a shop and buy a porn DVD. But if you just download something off the internet, how do you get to make a 16 year old girl feel really

uncomfortable? Where's the fun in that? Alright, okay. There are some points to it. I agree with that. But it's weird, isn't it?

It's the same people buying newspapers. Maybe they get the porn and then buy a newspaper to put it inside so that they don't get caught out by grandma. That's it, isn't it? When they're going home and grandma says, what is that you've got there? She's just got a newspaper. Why is it grandma?

Because that's my grandma that caught me. Really? She caught you buying a newspaper? Yeah. Dad, I used to like The Daily newspaper. Yeah. Pick, hook and gamble, pick, hook and gamble. I used to like The Daily Sport. Did you ever

write for that? No, I never wrote for that. Did you ever accidentally write for it? They used to print people's

jokes all the time. Probably. I don't know. They're everywhere aren't they? I'm sure. I've given up

monitoring where my jokes go because I just get annoyed and there's no return on it. I just assume they're all going to be stolen,

they're all going to be everywhere. Every good joke I write is going to end up distributed. A joke works for about three months

and then it will never, ever work the same again. How annoyed does that make you? Does it, I mean, because it, I, I, tell what, this, It does make me annoyed. I try not to go on about it anymore because I just get, there's nothing I can do about it

and I try not to mention it over Sycopedia and just, shit, and give them any publicity because I don't want to draw on, you know, they're just making a profit off other people's work. I remember you writing a put-down for everyone to use

that I have, that I have used. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've definitely used several times where you wrote other people's work I remember you writing a put down for everyone to use that I have used yeah several times where you wrote something for comedians to deal with if someone's phone goes off

yeah in the audience yeah and I whenever I've used that I've always credited you I've always said you but it's such an amazing

the credit is usually under the sort of shocked screams of laughter that are happening well I wrote that and I remember writing it and just thinking, it's such a good line, just to wank myself off for a moment, that it's clearly going to end up everywhere in reaction to that situation.

Sorry, I thought you meant metaphorically. You're not wanking yourself off. Sorry, hang on. All right, we'll wait. Oh, that was horrible. But I just remember, I mean, again it's the the arrogance of youth i may not now i've decided to sort of say it but i whoever would use that yeah i just came up with it and i thought um it's clearly going to do the rounds so i may as well kind of you know nobody knows who came up with give me six or whatever but actually whoever it was

originally were really skilled comics yeah because it seems now you know fair play to them for doing that so i kind of thought i'd quite like to be that guy that everyone knew it was a standard line but knew it was me that wrote it because then i'd be hey reflected in glory i'm the man and it didn't work like that i mean obviously that's still used now what's happened to it actually is i used to compare a little bit basically when i was short of work quite frankly i used to compare a little bit so i'd have that as part of my introductory patter as a sort of funny way of telling people how to turn off their mobile phone i was at a gig recently and uh i think the joke was i haven't done it for ages

because audiences don't give people their phones anymore, but when, yeah, people would, audience members would willingly hand over their phone to the comic because they were stupid and then you'd answer and go, oh, hello, this is Gary Laney, and then you'd get this confused voiceover, oh, I'm trying to get through to my daughter, or whoever it is, and you'd go, oh, no, sorry, don't think you understand, this isn't actually my phone, I just found it at the scene of the accident,

and then hang up, right? And it'd be very funny, and then people would be shocked and whatnot and then usually the person who's phone you did that to would have to go out and call back somebody and tell them they were i added to it when i ride it i always added to it all right right i'm turning that off now leave that off for three days that's hilarious well i mean that became so when once i started doing it the one i used to compare other compas started doing it because people just assumed it was a standard thing so you know fair enough really can't complain but it's good because people

do it when they were introducing me it's just one of those things but then even though but then my name was forgotten on it

most people wouldn't remember that was the original author of that of mine in fact I'm sure I remember Matt Kirshen saying to me that he saw

an American comic do a variant on it so there's clearly a variant over there which might be older than mine I don't know but you know

it's quite sick do you know the origin of that joke do you know what gave me the idea I'll be vague about it there was a tragedy right

and all the people were killed all the people were killed yeah that's fine then they won't be listening

the tragedy yeah the vague tragedy wherever it was right but their phones were still on right and people who went

near the scene of the tragedy just kept reporting loads of ringing phones because that's the modern sound of death people are trying to contact you heavens so that was the origin of the joke and the people answering

and I answered all of them and said hello this is Gary Delaney I don't think you understand i just found this at the scene of the accident all of those all of those phones and do that yeah heavens that's horrible and then you ended up writing a joke because of it yeah i was like that's shocking isn't that just the modern human face of death and suffering hang on i could use that it was the man who went to Prince William's birthday,

Abba Ramza. What was that man? Oh. What was that? I think this is proving everything. The bearded terrorist man. Yeah, yeah. Remember him? I used to bump into him

when I lived in London. He was always around Kilburn. Aaron Barshack. Aaron Barshack, that's right. He often had bits of blood in his beard. Did he? Yeah. Really?

Yeah, well, I bumped into him once just down the shops and he had, like, he got blood in his beard. You're sure it was blood? I don't know, he might have just been having a messy jam sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bumped into him once just down the shops and he had like he got blood in his he might have just been he might have just been having a messy jam sandwich

I don't know why have you thrown Barshak? he was called the comedy terrorist I think he's in Guantanamo isn't he? I don't know

he's in comedy Guantanamo yeah yeah well because that was a weird thing that happened with him wasn't it because he got so much press so fast

then did a show up here like a month later yeah and I didn't see it well it was a bit of a car crash wasn't it apparently well apparently so

from all accounts it was but you know clearly he wasn't ready to do an hour clearly he wasn't ready to do ten minutes but you know you've got to sort of

jump on that wave but yeah what happened to him Aaron Barshack didn't he try you tried something else didn't he I'm sure what I'm saying Gary

is if you ring your boss up now yeah on the podcast, sure, it might lose you that job. Yeah. But what it might go on to, the doors it will open, mischievous, Gary, remember, mate?

Remember when we did the comedy show and how exciting it was? It was all new and exciting. You would have done it then. You would have rung them on stage. I would have done, absolutely. That's absolutely true. I would have had absolutely no fear

I'd have done it and I thought, oh, that's a hilarious gambit. But that's because I was a bit of a stupid cunt. You see what I mean? Let's be honest. Peacock and Gamble,

Peacock and Gamble. So your Edinburgh shows have been few and far between. Absolutely, yeah. This is only my second one in like 13 years. So you did The Zone in 2002. Yeah, yeah.

Then you stayed away till 2010 I did my first proper show you did a solo show yeah because I wanted I mean A I wanted to have enough sort of good jokes

your first show can be a best off you know so I thought right I'll put in all of the best jokes I've ever written and then I've got another 25 minutes to fill

so I'll put in some other bits there have a bit of a dance but you obviously had a packed show by then by 2010 because I mean

you could have gone back to 2003 yeah I could have but it wouldn't have been good enough I wanted. Because, I mean, you could have gone back to 2003. Yeah, I could have. But it wouldn't have been good enough, would it? I wanted to wait until I was... You can either come to Edinburgh to learn, or you can come to Edinburgh to show off what you have learned. Yeah, okay.

So I waited until I thought I was really good, and I could do something and get noticed and get things. But also, for the reasons, I wanted to wait until I could take the loss. Okay. Financial loss. Yeah, I thought I wanted to do it properly. And I lost thousands.

I sold out every night but still lost about eight grand or whatever it was. So I used writing for panel shows to cover that loss. Yeah. And you can't really do that. For years after leaving my job, I was broke. Right. So then I had money again towards that stage of my career. So that was nice

so i could afford to do that and yeah i just wanted to sort of show off what i've done and to sort of stretch myself and force myself to learn how to part of the thing with one-liners is to you know every one-liner comic has to find their own way to overcome the problems of monotony right other things being equal every joke will get slightly less than the last right the moral diminishing returns by the time you're getting up to joke 150, that's a real problem. How many did you do in our show? I haven't counted it in this one. The last one had about 170 proper one-liners in.

Good God. And about another 70 or 80 miscellaneous punchline-y gag things. We've got three in ours. We do them all at the beginning. Just keep doing them. Yeah. Yeah. You can change who does it,

set up, you know, just mix it about. So no, there's less in this one because I've got more other bits in this one so yeah and then I'll wait

three years between them because it'll give me time to write a new show yeah so but no I probably could do it faster but you kind of made it

into a thing though didn't you it was there was certainly a demand or an appetite for you going to Edinburgh and it was always it was well known

within the comedy community that you weren't going until you wanted to go yeah yeah so people were actually it's like it's hard when it's how you say about i'm not going on tv and it was like it was such a carefully orchestrated it ended up being such a if you wait for 10 years and you're known on the circuit as just being good yeah to wake myself off again for a moment um this is horrible usually takes me a lot longer recovery period because we're here um so yeah so i mean i've had a lot of you know comics coming it's always flattering when comics come to see your show yeah i really like that and you know you had loads and yours on friday night by the way. All the Armia comics in there, tutting at the back. Yeah, we... We only noticed you.

Because we did say when we came off, didn't we, that Gary is the perfect audience member. I would hate it. I would hate to see you at something you didn't enjoy. So I'd hate to... If you hadn't have liked what we were doing, it would have fucking crucified me.

Yeah. But as it was, you sat dead centre, very, very visible, laughed and laughed. It wasn't intentional. I was trying to go at the back. I didn't realise I very very visible laughed and laughed I wasn't in tension I was trying to go to the back

I didn't realise I was so visible I was the back row when I sat down on it to be honest in that room you can see it but yeah

it was I honk if I find something funny and it does make it awkward because if you don't find something funny it's pretty obvious

or if you honk at the one joke you find funny and you're silent at the rest, you go, that was an enjoyable, interesting show, I think. And you clapped as well. Yeah, yeah. After things.

Yeah, well, it was funny. You know, it's just really very, very impressive. I mean, I've seen a lot of shows, but the ones that made me laugh the most have been three. It's hard to sort of say which comes top out of those, but it was yours, Michael Leggs, and Phil Ellis'.

Okay. Phil Ellis' Unplanned Orphan it seems as if he'd have the profile of some of the others but I think it's just absolutely outstanding yeah yeah

so yeah and I've seen lots of very good shows up here but in terms of making me laugh consistently for 53 minutes or whatever it is what?

we did miles longer than that oh right that's what I do what do you do? do you do a full hour? hour and five hour and five really oh no wonder sneak petals

I do 53 yeah it. Sneaks over. No, I do 53. No, it just sneaks over us. Well, fair play to you. I think we started at around 57 and then we wrote new stuff for it yesterday. I can never tell how much you're playing around and how much that is. We've been around quite a lot. That's true, that is true. And you saw the late night show as well, didn't you?

Yeah. To be at work at the same time. And, oh no, we dicked about ridiculously that night yeah because there was you doing the big laughing and then Alfie Brown was in

as well doing his ridiculous laugh yeah once we hear that and as you say David Trent tutting at the back Jimmy Carr came to

one of mine and that was not I didn't know he was there but I recognised the laugh yeah yeah I was like who's that really

big laugh I know that and I was like oh fuck it's Jimmy it must be Emma Shadows and it was but his laugh is so big laugh I know that and I was like oh fuck it's Jimmy it must be Emma Shadows and it was but his laugh is so big it's really notable

and then I noticed after like five ten minutes I got people looking and tutting around and I heard a couple of women on the front sort of going

oh I think that's Jimmy and he clearly picked up on the fact that it was maybe unsettling the room a little bit and he wound it in being professional and nice and then

it was fine but then I was like oh I quite enjoyed that big laugh if people hadn't recognised him everyone just thought that every joke is killer and brilliant

it's nothing as well as it when people turn round to look at people who are laughing and then you know you're in bother I've been that person they've turned round to

loads but do you not find as you progress in comedy you get more I am now pretty sure I know what is funny or what is funny for me and I think I've got

enough confidence to laugh at it even if it's dying in front of an audience and not to be swayed by the crowd most people really are swayed by the crowd

an awful lot and I'd like to think I'm not I'm not completely sure I am I'm sure I am swayed more than I think but I'd like to think I've got the confidence

to laugh at something that nobody else in the room is laughing at if I find it funny you can also get caught up in atmosphere it's like if you're at. Totally. But you can also get caught up in atmosphere. It's like if you're at a sports pageant or whatever, you can get caught up in atmosphere then. And that's completely understandable.

That's how I invaded Poland. Of course it is, and you're famous for it. Well, we don't look at our reviews, but it occurred to me the other day we should find some bad ones and put them up. Definitely not. That's hilarious not I think it's funny people are doing it now but actually the originators of that before Stuart Lee Depeche Mode the singles 1981 to 1985 what do you mean before Stuart Lee

what was before Stuart Lee it was just the primordial soup in the beginning there was nothing repeated ever and then there was a Big Bang. And then there was a whole series of Big Bangs. And then everyone imitated the Big Bang.

Yeah. And then the Big Bang started slagging off other bangs. And then the Big Bang noticed it was getting just as famous as the other bangs and had to stop it but kind of didn't anyway.

And then some people who'd loved the Big Bang actually after a while just started to get a bit fed up with the Big Bang and move on to other things. And then the Big Bang actually after a while just started to get a bit fed up with the Big Bang and move on to other things. And then the Big Bang put some sausages on his head. The history of the universe.

Or stew-niverse. Stew-niverse. Stew-niverse. Oh, you're sharp. And there's an alternate universe that's still bitter about the fact they're not the same universe anymore but doesn't like to go on about it

and again has a shtick of going on about how he's not really that successful which is getting harder and harder to do as he gets more and more

successful and respected over the years pick up and gamble pick up and gamble says we're naughty think rape is good and we should all do it for fuck's sake

is that alright why'd you don't ask I think rape is good and we should all do it. For fuck's sake. Is that all right? Why did you do that? That's not even... That's a one-liner. All right, say another naughty thing. Another naughty thing? Let's get controversial. No, I don't want to just get into trouble.

How can you go, I think rape is good and we should all do it, and then go, no, no, no. No, come on. No, come on. It'll make you cut it out. I'm far too coy for all of this. What else and then go, no, no, no, come on, no, come on. You'll make your budget out. I'm far too coy for all of this. What else do you want to do?

No, no, because then I'll get scared now that you're going to leave it in. Are you scared about that comment you've just made? I mean, I think that's quite obviously a wind-up, though, isn't it? Not if I just put it in on its own. Not if we were going to pick up going, Gary, why on earth have you just said that? I forget about that. Actually, you've got so much power as the editor.

Give us one actual personal belief that you think is really important to you and what this year's show is about. But do you know what I mean? This goes back to the newspaper thing. This is how they do it, or that's how they've done it over the years. I know from when I edit

this, I could destroy someone. I totally could. And the more famous people edit this, I could destroy someone. Yeah. I totally could. And like, you know, the more famous people that we've had on there as well, I could absolutely edit it to destroy them. Well, you've got more advantage

because if I was talking to a journalist, I'd be very, very careful of what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, totally. And you chat with comics like they're mates and you just say things

that you wouldn't normally say in public or on the record. Because journalists, you don't trust and comics, yeah, you do. So you have to be wary, you know. We're not backstage. No, no, of course, but we've always made a point of saying to people

before the interview starts, people that we don't know so well, and they're like, look, speak freely, anything you want gone, all go. Well, I'll absolutely cut it. And they believe that because we're kindred spirits. But journalists say that as well. They do, yeah. Journalists do that. Is this off the record?

Yes, it's off the record. Is it fuck off the record? Yeah, yeah, and start their recorder when you're not thinking. Of course, yeah. I had that all the way through an interview. that as well they do journalists do that is this off the record yes it's off the record is it fuck off the record yeah yeah and start their recorder when you're not thinking I had that all the way through an interview

some cunt was playing three blind mice I was like for fuck's sake listen three blind mice he was using a recorder it doesn't matter

it's not I missed it completely he's like saying oh do you mind if I use a recorder during the interview no I know but what I love about that

is when I then went as if I didn't understand it, you looked genuinely heartbroken. Yeah. Yeah, we missed it. We both missed it, Gary. I'm sorry, mate. Can you give us some other jokes

we won't get? Hang on, hang on. Perhaps if I try it again, but I shout it. Mate, your trousers fall down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. In the Lost cast, as I now choose to call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble.

In the Lost cast, as I know, the Lost cast, which was great and wonderful, and we've tried to replicate it as best we can. Yeah. But in that one, Ed describes a comedian, and I got it from two words. He said two words, and I got that comedian. And you said that...

I was trying to describe an American comic, wasn't I? Who were you trying to describe? I couldn't remember his name, so I said, black American comic, set his hair on fire. Richard Pryor. And you pulled me up, it wasn't his hair, it was everything on fire. And I was confusing him with Michael Jackson, like an enormous racist.

I think Michael Jackson was still black in those days as well. And then we set a thing up where we said, well, try and describe certain comedians in a couple of words. But I've decided who you two are. And you've now worked this out? Yeah. How would you describe it?

You're a hyperactive, borderline retarded child. And Ed's your dad. That's it. I've got that covered. So it's going to be a hyperactive, borderline retarded child and his dad. Yeah. That's it. I've got that covered. So, you gave up, so it's going to be a high-fiving, four-time retired child

and his dad. Yeah, yeah. It's Peacock and Gamble. That's a title for a show, if ever I've heard. Well, thank you for that, Gary. That's four stars. Yeah.

Right, well, I'm going to describe you now. Oh, no. I'm going to hate this. Not as much fun as it used to be. That was Gary Delaney. That was Gary Delaney. I like Gary Delaney.

There might not be another podcast. Run at 9.45pm at the Pleasant's. Sounds like this. Pleasant's Courtyard. We came off stage tonight and the TV producer who'd been at the show said you poor fuckers that was our feedback

Happy Fringe None of you care Bye Go The Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk

Today's guest was Gary Delaney and my show is Oh, my show is Gary Delaney 2 This time it isn't personal 9.45 Pleasant's Courtyard All music by Thomas Funtheray See you tomorrow Yeah, but you've had two goes on that one. Yeah, nailed it.

You're a big cheat. Fancy turning up here with stuff written. Sounds like modeling for that. Sorry, I looked in a newspaper and I knew what was going to come up, and then I just happened to magically invent something on it there.