The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 4 (James Acaster)

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 4 (James Acaster)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 116 of 128.

It's the Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast. Well, well done on saying that all in one sentence without slurring. My diction is ideal today. It wasn't last night, though. No, it wasn't last night. I woke up a bit slurry as well. Yeah. So tell me if I am slurry.

I'm Ray Peacock, by the way. Hello, I'm Ed Gamble. What are you referring to? I'm referring to... No, we weren't drunk, actually. We weren't drunk, were we not? We're saving that until next week when we're depressed. I was planning to get drunk last night.

Well, yeah. I actually was. You didn't need to in the end. You did the cheaper alternative which was smashing yourself in the head with a stool. Yeah, bleeding it all out. Bleeding it all out.

Went straight to the toilet. I mean, it was like he was headlining Pussy Festival 2013. Proper bumped himself on the head. Bit of blood coming out. Straight to the toilet.

In a grimy toilet with all blood coming out his head. It was like It was like an episode of Skins Where they go to a really dodgy club But it's Skins as well Yeah and in a dodgy club probably Yeah it's like I came back

For one more episode for a cameo Except it wasn't custody was covered in It was his own blood Yeah pouring out of my head Yeah It was stupid as well Yeah just dropping a chair on my head But we'd had a good first show

We'd had a lovely first show I mean we'd have done a few by now By the time you hear this, but we're recording this the night after our first show. Yeah. Which was nice to sell very well and lovely, lovely audience. Yeah, very nice people. Plenty of people in there.

Yeah. And we did it as best as we could and we promised we will always try our best. Yeah. A couple of little things need ironing out, but it was pretty strong that, wasn't it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Yeah. And then you celebrated by twatting yourself with some props. Twatting myself on that. And I do that a lot't it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Yeah. And then you celebrated by twatting yourself with some props. Twatting myself on that.

And I do that a lot though. Yeah. Like, I'm not a clumsy bloke at all because I was annoyed as it was happening. Yeah.

As it was happening, I was annoyed. Yeah. Because I was carrying two things. Oh, Mr Spencer. I was carrying two things.

I was carrying a table with some glasses on it full of drink. Yeah. And I was carrying a chair over my shoulder. Gives you a little clue to what's in our show

some drink don't give too much away but anyway the drink spilt and I felt the chair falling down and it cracked me

on the head I knew it had cut it straight away I knew it definitely cut it and then I literally just dropped the table

dropped the chair went to the bathroom immediately concussion passed out ended up in hospital. What other things can we say for publicity? For the publicity. And then he died. When you were in hospital you got MRSA. Yeah, I was in a brief coma. Yeah, in a brief coma. All my family had to

fly up urgently. That's when you go in a coma when your briefs are too tight. Nice. But yeah, it was a good show. And let's not dwell too much on my injury because I'm a brave boy. You are a very brave boy, mate. But I was struggling and I had to stay up. You did break a prop though. I did break a prop. Just remember we need to buy a new one tonight.

I've got that done already. Yeah, I don't want to cause too much fuss. No. I really don't. Good lad. But I stayed up

until 4am. Yeah, to make sure you weren't dead. I got to. Yeah. Ed looked after me by going to bed. Yeah,

no, I looked after you for a bit. No one was talking to me on text or anything like that. There was no one for me to talk to. No. And I was just on my own, which I am normally anyway, doing the editing. And I was on my own last night, all on my own in my little room.

Everyone had gone to bed and sat there just bleeding. And no one even noticed how I was. I did, all the time. Thank you. Oh, that crying stopped quickly, didn't it? When I went to bed, I had a really weird dream. Did you? A really weird dream last night

what of I think we should do my dreams regularly if I have them oh yeah because there's nothing more interesting than other people's dreams no guess what I dreamt what I can't remember why I did it

but my middle finger on my right hand yeah I cut the end off it oh something was wrong with it like Tony Iommi I cut I don't know what that is

the guitarist from Black Sabbath did he do his little finger he's missing a tip on his little finger but did he do it on purpose no no no but he's got a rubber tip on one of his little fingers

right which is they say that's why he gets such a unique guitar sound because he's got a rubber tip to one of his fingers wow

so I imagine he would really panic yeah if he grew back or if he lost another finger yeah probably I need that for my guitar I need it for my guitar yeah

so in my dream, something was wrong with the, it was just below the nail of my middle finger, my right hand. Right. Something was wrong with it, and I thought,

I'm just going to cut it off. Oh. And I cut it off. The whole bit? Just, yeah, just under my nail. Fair, fair enough. I cut it off,

so I was walking around with just that top bit of finger missing, and then it occurred to me, I thought, that's what the finger you use when with the ladies. Yeah. That's on the brilliant moves ruined

all your fingering and it was genuinely distressing me yeah for that reason but you can still just push I can't show

a stump but it's barely a stump is it it's just the top's missing no but I used that little soft bit

the fingertip yeah I used that to do the yeah that's very that's a big part of my action

but then you could replace the tip there with a little velvet like a velvet tip vibrating bean but that's that implies

that I'm not getting anything from it when I do all that and I like I like feeling it right I like the feel of it yeah

I use the two fingers either side I don't want to get too graphic but I'll separate the labia with those two you know I'm sure you've said this on a podcast before I'll just pat I'll separate the labia with those two you know I'm sure you've said this on a podcast before

I'll just pat I'll pat the clitoris yeah like well done yeah well done good girl being very very brave there aren't you yeah well

but I couldn't do that in my dream what a horrible intro what do you think that means I'm willing to listen if anyone can tell us on Twitter or anything like that I'm willing to listen

what the psychology of that is what that you lost I think didn't lose it cut it off myself. That you cut off a bit of your finger, which meant you couldn't do fanny fondling no more. Yeah, properly. I think it shows that you are too obsessed with fannies. I'm not obsessed with fannies at all, but if I was that obsessed with fannies and I

thought of it before I cut it off, but I didn't. I cut it off, went about my dream business't I cut it off went about my dream business just normal stuff went about my dream business and then it occurred to me in the dream I was like oh my god

no that means oh no do you know what I mean it's like that dream that I sometimes have where my knob falls off my knob falls off but I can reattach it

but it doesn't feel secure Greg Davis also told me he has the same dream. It's a very similar dream where his knob falls off. He can line it back up with the stub and it reattaches but it doesn't feel secure. It's like that could fall off again. I think that just means you're both robots

and that is a dream that's been put in by your programmer to help you realise. The programmer was like he was one of the main scientists in the organisation, but he wasn't head. Right. And he was in charge. He came up with the robot design,

but slowly he started to realise this was cruel, making robots that thought they were human. So against the wishes of the big conglomerate bosses, started putting in little dreams in the programme to make you realise as you get later on in life, and I'm not saying anything but you and Greg Davis have reached the point

mid 30s where the yeah that's where the dreams start coming in and the programme kicks in the scientist has since been they've found out and he's since been assassinated

no no no I know what's up with that scientist because even as you were saying that he sounds like a Spider-Man villain it sounds like he's not a villain no no not yet he's not

not yet he's not like the Riddler and Batman this is my fantasy you can't just come up with it no it's like a Spider-Man villain. It sounds like... He's not a villain. No, no, not yet, he's not. Not yet, he's not. Like the Riddler in Batman. Mate, this is my fantasy. You can't just come up with it. No, it's like a Spider-Man villain, though. Not a villain. He's going to be a villain in the end, but then he... He's going to be a villain.

He's put the things, he put the programme in so the robots could realise they're robots. And then the head of the Kongwomer at Find Out, and they sack him and he turns to evil. And then he has a big fight with the superhero, whichever one it is, Batman or Spider-Man, whatever. This isn't a superhero. Right, that happens, and then he redeems big fight with the superhero, whichever one it is, Batman or Spider-Man, whatever. This isn't a superhero. That happens and then he redeems himself

at the end by sacrificing himself. Genuinely annoyed with you. That's not the story. What's the story then? It's the end of it now. You're just annoyed because my story's better? No, your story was a Spider-Man film. I know. That's where the money is, mate. In a Spider-Man film that's been out already. You're thinking to yourself, you're going

oh, there's no way we could ever write a superhero film yeah two words mate Drew Pearce Drew Pearce Al's Drew Pearce wrote Iron Man 3 he did it very well

I know him yeah he did it by coming up with a different storyline to one they've done before right well I they've not just gone they've not just gone

oh well let's have this goodie suddenly turn into a baddie from Spider-Man 2 or whatever here's my other idea for Spider-Man right he's not

he can't climb a wall right so your so your idea for Spider-Man 2 or whatever. Here's my other idea for Spider-Man. Right. He's not, he can't climb a wall. Right. So your idea for Spider-Man is man. He can't climb a wall. So Spider-Man 4, man. Man.

Yeah. Right. Get Marvel on the phone now. Right. Get that written. Right. Just try something different. That's what Christopher Nolan

did with Batman. Yeah. Just try it a bit different. Yeah. And Dr. Octopus, right, he's in it. Yeah, is he?

But he hasn't got any tentacles. Right. He's just called Doctor. Doctor. Doctor Octavius. Doctor versus man. Doctor versus man. And it's more a battle of minds than it is like... Well, Doctor wins then. Well, no, no, no, no, he doesn't because Peter Parker is quite cleverer than he seems. Right. He's a very studious young man. So that happens and there's no fight sequences in it at all. Boffin versus Doctor. Boff versus Doc. Boff versus Boff Doc. Spider-Man 4.

And if you want more of these brilliant conversations, come to our show, Peacock and Gamble, Heart Frobs, 9.45, Pleasance Courtyard. Well done, mate. It's Pleasance below, but it's in the courtyard. Yeah. Actually, I'll tell you where it is. No, mate, don't confuse it. Just go to the Courtyard Blocks office.

All right. Here's James Acaster. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. Oh, we're here with James Acaster, comedian. Yes. Prove it. Do you get that a lot? Yeah, yeah, during gigs.

During? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What sort of things do they shout at you? Yeah, what, we're on stage? Yeah. I get a lot of alpha males just shouting just generic insults, knob and cock and stuff. Yeah.

They really don't like me. How could they not like you, though? You're a nice lad. I'm a very nice lad, but they probably used to bully people who looked like me at school, and then I walk on and they look at me and go, I'm not having this. It's only if I'm doing well.

If I'm doing really badly, they all just leave it. They feel really sorry for me, because I look like I really can't do it, and I don't know what I'm doing. badly yeah they all just leave it they feel really sorry for me I look like I really can't do it I don't know what I'm doing what do you look like we're not gonna describe you but this is a medium so what what do you in your mind what do you look like yeah I look like a schoolboy I look younger than I am apparently so that I look I can be my early 20s and I'm not I'm in my late 20s so that's you some I'm in my late 20s. So that's your landlord or pops? People I've met for the first time.

Yeah, I got ID'd once. And then, yeah, I dress really silly in slacks and jumper and shirt. That's not silly, mate. It's functional. I like it, but I didn't realise until I started going on stage a bit that it looked silly. I thought it looked silly. I thought it looked quite smart, but a lady got very angry. I walked on stage at a gig in London and a very drunk lady got up and said

seriously, looking like that are you going to try and speak to me and then she walked on stage and she collapsed on stage and I helped her up to her feet going are you ok, are you ok and she went yeah I'm ok you look so stupid and your hair looks like curly hair

and then the bouncers came and got her, and the bouncers were dragging her away, and she was going, I know why. I know why you started on me. And then she got her little finger and wiggled it, and went, woo-hoo-hoo, I see what you've got in your trousers. Like that. While she was being dragged out.

And then a friend walked out with her, and a friend turned around to also heckle me, and instead of heckling me, vomited on her own shoulder. Right. So that was... You get this a lot. Do we get it a lot? Why though?

When I'm on stage I think it's because I'm conversational on stage and I think people think it's a conversation. Yeah. So it's not often aggressive

it's more like what they would call banter. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But I do get a lot of shouting out and a lot of things to deal with in the room

rather than just standing there doing my stuff. But why? Why do lot of shouting out and a lot of things to deal with in the room rather than just standing there doing my stuff. But why? Why do you attract that? Because you're not a conversational act. No. You can't be purely appearance. It can't be purely appearance

because there are other acts on the circuit who have a normal appearance, if you like, or who have an extreme appearance, if you like, but they very rarely get hit. I very rarely get shouted at. Actually, that's not true. I was going to say about my hair, but that's not true.

I get Jesus quite a lot. When you're in the North. They can't get their head around a man making a living looking like me. Yeah. They don't like it. With long hair like a girl. Yeah.

I do get hit in the North a lot more. A lot more in the North. I was thinking it was abroad. I got hit by people from the North of England. Right. And I think, I think one of the things is that I am talking

about stuff from a completely stupid perspective but I'm not at any point apologising. I'm pretending like I'm right but I'm clearly not.

Okay. And some people don't understand that that's part of the joke and they think that I genuinely think that Pancake Day is like,

you can only eat pancakes on one day and you can't eat them for the rest of it because I'm not at any point... You don't give them a wink, do you? No, I don only eat pancakes on one day a day, and you can't eat them for the rest of it. Because I'm not at any point... You don't give them a wink, do you? No, I don't give them a wink or a little smile, which I think makes it funnier on the nights where it goes well.

But on the nights where it doesn't go well, they're just sitting there going, this guy's a fucking idiot. And also, I think, because I look... I think it is partly, though, also because I look like I couldn't handle myself. A lot of people have said, who I've talked to about this,

have said that when I go on stage, you just think this is going to be shit. Right. And then they said the first time they saw me and I walked on, they thought this was going to be shit. But does that work? You don't look shit, though. But does that work in your favour? I understand what he means, though, but does that work in your favour? Yeah, normally.

Because then you agree that you're shit, don't you? You go, surprise, I'm not shit. But it's a comedy. Showing off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming on the podcast. Oh, I'm not shit. I'm not shit. Bragging off yeah yeah yeah coming on the podcast oh I'm not shit I'm not shit

bragging take that guys it's a comedy staple though isn't it and I think increasingly in the world of comedy it might be happening worldwide and everything

but in the world of comedy I'm finding that increasingly people are taking things at absolute face value like if you look at if you compare it to Les Dawson for example

who played kind of badly thinking he was doing it right and with an air of arrogance about that, saying to the audience, try and keep together, when it was him that was in the wrong. Yeah. But that's funny,

and they would lap it up in the 70s, 80s, early 90s, and they would go with that. Yet now, I think if Les Dawson was around now, playing the piano badly, people would be furious. Yeah, yeah. I saw Brian Gittins at a festival. People don't know Brian Gittins' character act,

who's deliberately rubbish and gets stuff wrong all the time. And I was stood at the back, and there was a couple in front of me, and after about his fifth routine, the woman turned to the guy and went, he's awful. Why hasn't he learnt any of this? And the guy went, yeah, I know. What are they doing booking someone who can't even...

And at the end, his finale was like doing the hokey-cokey to a CD where the CD skips and he has to keep doing right arm in right arm in over and over again and at that point

they just lost they just went oh fuck he hasn't even got a CD that works and it was like oh come on but he's so clearly

a character as well you would think he's clearly a character because he's got big you know like big bottle glasses on and trousers pulled up really high it's fairly clear that he's a character character because he's got big you know like big bottle glasses on and trousers pulled up really high

yeah it's fairly clear that he's a character but I remember seeing Count Arthur Strong once I saw Count Arthur I've seen Count Arthur Strong many many times but I saw Count Arthur Strong

doing his Forgotten Egypt show years ago in the old Gilded Bloom that's now gone it's burnt down in the studio in there and I was sat next to and I guess this is a cultural difference

but it was an American couple who clearly come for a lecture on Egypt yeah and it was so great because it started cultural difference, but it was an American couple who'd clearly come for a lecture on Egypt. Yeah. And it was so great because it started the show, right? And it was Steve who plays Count Arthur doing a voiceover in an American voice

with this inspiring music underneath it talking about the tombs of Tutankhamun and all this sort of thing. And the lady was sort of just looking down as it was happening. And as the music reached a crescendo, she went, she put her arms in the air. And she thought, this is going to be brilliant.

And for the majority of it, I watched her get increasingly, and it was really nice because she was quite patient to begin with. She was like, well, he's clearly just, you know, lost his way a little bit. But, you know, it will be interesting, right? And now he's not even talking about Egypt now.

And he hasn't been for 40 minutes. And they left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They left. But you could see they were furious. Yeah. Absolutely furious. But I don't know.

I've no idea how you can not cut a knot. People, I had a bit in last year's show when I would pretend that I had counted how many breadcrumbs were in a loaf of bread. Right. And I would say to someone in the front row, choose a man and go, guess how many? And whatever they said, I'd say no.

And I'd turn to a woman and go, guess how many? And whatever she said, I'd say yes. So that was it. I'd keep it going with more and more things. And at one point, I said to the man, guess how many? And he went, no. I went, why? And he went, you just...

I know what... You fixed... Let me see what's written down in that paper. I don't think you've got think you know it at all. I think you've just given her the answer all the time. And he said, I think she's a plant. That's amazing. She was there.

That is a way more difficult way of doing it. Yeah. Than having her. Just saying yes. I think she's a plant and she knows the answers. Oh, you do it for the lady. Your regular little Venkman, you aren't, yeah? Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble.

We did a gig together recently. Not greatly attended for either of us, no. Worse so for me. Worse so for you, yeah, because I managed to last. Yeah. Our one was first

and if there's any comedians listening, if you ever want to do a double bill with us, make sure you go on first because there will be less people there with you. Yeah, yeah. If it's more of the same

in the second half, I've barely tolerated that. But we, that was another case less people there with you. Yeah, it's more of the same in the second half. I've barely tolerated that. But we, that was another case in point, but we found out recently that it

wasn't quite as it seemed because there were four people right in the middle and there's a bit in our show, as there is in all our shows,

where I do jokes and get them deliberately wrong and I was doing some really old jokes and they kept shouting out the punchlines.

Yeah, I know this one. I know. Yeah. I know this one. I know this one. I know this one. That's years old. That's years old. And I got quite cross with them and I might have even

called them names. No, you held it together actually pretty well. In that one, did I? For you. You did the laser, you pointed the laser pen in their eyes and said,

if you do it again, you're in big trouble. That can blind you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I did do that. But then you went on later on and it transpired that they were four autistic people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I don't do that. But then you went on later on and it transpired that they were four autistic people?

Yeah, four autistic people in a group and they like watching comedy. Because a lot of... I used to work with autistic kids and a lot of autistic people really like stand-up because it makes... Especially like one-liners because it makes logical sense.

It's all like, that makes sense, that makes sense. They really love watching. When I did a tour with Milton, oh gosh or autists to the rafters but uh yeah yeah they love it so like um yeah so that they said they really love going to see stand-up but uh they said to me normally we uh we blend in but we're half the audience so like you know because i remember you you both ran on and you clapped when you ran on and everyone was supposed to

applaud and they weren't clapping and Ed went in one of their faces and went clapping and the guy went

yes you are which but it really upset me I thought oh this bloke's a complete but he was

literally he was completely right in his head yeah you were clapping and saying to him clapping

and he went yep correct you are so do we think now in comedy that it would be progress and we should now vet people as they come in? Do you think now it should be,

not that they're not allowed in, but it should be like, hello, do you have a disability of any sort? Are you impaired in any way? Are you blind? Are you deaf? Are you a lesbian? You're right.

What are you? Where are you from? What are you? Are you a lesbian? Right. Are you, you know, what are you? What, you know, where are you from? What are you? Yeah, that sort of thing. And then that's fine. All perfectly friendly. In they go. Yeah.

Get a little list there with all the tables on it or all the chairs. Right. Over here. Yeah. You've got, that's a foreign person. A foreign person. Over here. Right. On this side, that man's in a wheelchair.

Right, yeah. And it is real. We could have little signs for all of them maybe so we know the symbols so all the gay people could have a pink triangle how about this

how about that's a brilliant idea how about this how about we we segregate them in the room so how about we have

downstairs left in the audience disabled people so any comedians that don't like that you know I think we all don't really like that

curtain them off yeah curtain them off or just yeah Davidson could turn away from them yeah

backstage right backstage that's people that's quite wrong back of the room thank you James back of the room good idea James

and that is a good idea James because that's where we're going to put the black people well done James for suggesting that we put black people at the back of the room just to sort of and it's just to separate them so we know we put black people at the back of the room.

Just to sort of say, and it's just to separate them so we know. We could just call it the black of the room now. The black of the room. Well done, James. Excellent idea. Excellent idea there that James Acaster has said on the first day of the Fringe that black people should be at the back of the audience in the black of the room. That's a direct quote from James Acaster.

that's a direct quote from James A. Caster what I find amazing is that those four autistic people all went on a night out really

an interesting thing for them to do to sort of watch stand up comedy and also it's like eye contact and socialisation

and things like that they thought they'd come and practice their eye contact with people holding eye contact and Ray shines a laser pointer

directly in their eyes. Yeah, and taught them a lesson. Yeah, never look at people directly. Never do that. When you went on afterwards, was he complaining about his sight? No, he was just twitching. He wasn't talking at all. So you're looking in the sky, wondering whether you had a kind face. Yeah, yeah.

Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. When you started doing stand-up comedy, why did you do that? I was at a loose end and didn't know what to do with my life. I thought I was going to be a musician and that's what I was going to do. So I'd not gone to university and just concentrated on being in a band. And then when the band stopped, because I was the drummer, I couldn't go solo. And I didn't want to form another band and make other people do it again, because I hated motivating other people.

Right. And I'd done one or two stand-up gigs just for my own sense of, like, enjoyment, just, like, as a really risk-taking thing. And I really enjoyed it, but I was like, I'm never going to do that again. And then when the band stopped, I didn't know what I wanted to do,

so I thought, I'll do that until I get a better idea. Right. And I'd have one month of it going okay and one month of absolutely horrifically dying constantly for the whole month and I'd think, what am I doing? And it was like that for about six months before I started actually going,

I actually want to do this. How many old are you? I'm 28. Right. How many of them have you done the stand-up for? Five and a half. Five and a half. So 22 and a half.

Is that right? Well, yeah. I was closer to... 22 and a half you were a half so 22 and a half is that right yeah well yeah I was closer to 22 and a half you were I just turned 28 I'm currently 28 and a half years old right

we should get this yeah but you know I'm not I think only like little children say count the halves don't they

but you said it so we're gonna so 28 you're just 28 but you've done it 5 and a half so you've done it I tell you what

this would have been great if that gig that's the square they'd have loved this how long until you were making a living from comedy assuming you do

it was two and a half years that's alright it's not too bad but that was because that wasn't like that was only because Josie Long

asked me to go on tour with her so I decided to quit my job and then by the end of that I'd got an agent and they'd sort of me out with Milton Jones' tour which followed on from Josie's one me to go on tour with us. I had to quit my job. Right. And then by the end of that, I'd got an agent, and they'd sort of me out with Milton Jones' tour, which followed on from Josie's one. So I wasn't actually making enough.

And then by the end of the Milton tour, I was making enough money from comedy to be doing it as a living. I've never been on tour with anyone. No. No. And all these youngsters, right, all do a lot. Yeah. Like, Ed's always going off with Glenn Wall, is it?

Glenn Wall, yeah. Glenn Wall, yeah. He always tours with Glenn Wall for me in between the scenes. Glenn Wall out the in-between. He's always going off with Glenn Wall is it Glenn Wall yeah Glenn Wall yeah he always turns to Glenn Wall from in between yeah Glenn Wall out of the in between he's always been off with him

all the time all the time yeah like a stupid amount sometimes he doesn't and other people have to step in for him and do a really great job of it

oh nice one mate you went off with Josie Long who was my tour support once yep yep yeah she always used to slag you off she could slag me off

while she was mate sitting crying in loads of toilets but she was wonderful though but she no she she had an hard time most nights she didn't really slag you off mate

so you know I don't like to do it can we just can we just say now Josie for listening to this could you not be slagging me off to other comedians because

I don't think that's very very fair because they did drive you a lot basically and they let you have your music on sometimes and I bet it's not even on your CV but I don't think that's very, very fair because they did drive you a lot, basically. And they let you have your music on sometimes. And I bet it's not even on your CV. But I've never spotted no one on tour.

No one's ever asked me. It's got to be good. No, that's not what it is. I'll tell you what it is. What? The difference between me and you, I'm not including you in this, James, the difference between me and you as an act is you're a room changer.

Right. I can very much go into a room and maintain you give them a i'm basically a placeholder yeah but i can fill time it'll be a nice step keep it bobbling along yeah i see right you will tear the roof off no or just like just destroy it deliberately which is not helpful as a tour support it would be weird even though it's not thinking about that it would be weird wouldn't it if i went on it's not helpful. Thinking about that, it would be weird, wouldn't it? If I went on tour with Glenn Davis. And if there were people that were big fans of his work in the Inbetweeners,

who actually left before he came on. Yeah. I've not even been in the same building as this bloke. Yeah. Either because you've made the night already, or... Probably do that. You've gone on in a bit of a bad mood, or someone's upset you in the audience, and you've gone, right, well, fuck this. Right, and then I've gone on in a bit of a bad mood or someone's upset you in the audience and you've gone right well

fuck this right and then I've gone in all aggressive and either way it's not it just needs to be in the middle I think

I think that might be it mate what about if I go on at the same time as the main act and then they can keep me in check

you could be the signer I don't really know it make it up you know the rude words there probably

won't be anyone in there if they're sitting in the deaf part of the audience. Yeah, fair comment. Yeah, I know. Have a little look. Put the blindies at the back. With the blacks.

Yeah, put the blinds and the blacks at the back. Yeah. See, I'm not even sure we should separate the blacks, James. I think it's a weird thing you've come up with. No, I think it makes everyone up and let anyone sit where they want. Yeah, because you can't do it in terms of race. Because then if you're a blind black person, what if someone is,

Well, they have to sit in the middle. Deaf-blind. No, I, no, I think what you've done here, mate,

is sort of out of order. I think this idea you've come up with about separating all people, I mean, segregate, that's like, it's like Nazi Germany

when you do that. It's like, that's horrible. Put a pink triangle and get it covered away. Yeah, so I think, you know, it's an interesting thing to triangle and get it covered away yeah so I think

it's an interesting thing to discuss but it's not the best way of coming into an interview is it yeah

we're starting to get to the bottom of why I get heckled so much these horrendous opinions you're at the

back and you wheel yourself over there yeah I don't know about James though because you could be a room changer

yep because you had some amazing ones and some rough ones on Milton's team I had some absolutely horrific ones I'll tell you who is a room changer actually Laurence Llewellyn Bowen I'm interviewing James at the moment mate if you want to write these jokes down as we go along

and then at the end we can do some footnotes maybe of jokes you thought as you went along why don't we do that every day I'll write down jokes I thought of as we go along and then at the end we can do some footnotes maybe of jokes jokes you thought as you went along why don't we do that every day I'll write down jokes I thought of

as we went along and I'll say there's a bit where you were talking to me about this and I thought of this joke yeah I've always wanted to do that

as a character act like a stand up the MC's on like doing banter and stuff and then I want to go on and go okay MC was great wasn't he

really good but here's some things I would have said if you'd said that to me and just list some funny things you could do it in a jolly accent

haven't you I've actually had MCs do it to me after I've been on and come on and go you know when James did that what would have been better

literally someone said what would have been better if they'd said this name and shame we won't put it out but name and shame I'll bleep it. Oh.

Really? Oh, yeah. He did not like me doing that weekend. What weekend was it? It was the weekend of the ****. I have to cut that out as well.

I did four gigs. The first one, for whatever reason, went really well. Yeah. And he was gutted. I came off and he was just, Josh Howie, lovely.

He was going, well, well done, mate. Second one I not only died I lost control of the entire room like it was like it was like school kids just going mental.

Stag dudes and hens just shouting at each other. I'd lost control. Third one I went on someone heckled me before I got to the stage by going Harry Potter.

Doesn't make sense. Get Harry Potter a lot. You don't wear glasses. Really? No. You don't wear glasses you've got blonde hair. Blonde hair by the way not as many people heck you with ginger. lot. You don't wear glasses. Really? No. You don't wear glasses because you've got blonde hair. Blonde hair, by the way.

Not as many people heck you with ginger. Ginger. But this is part of it, right? I get hecked with ginger a lot. Yeah. Because it just looks ginger to some people.

Harry Potter stems from the ginger thing because of Ron Weasley in Harry Potter who was a ginger kid. Yeah. And I think what they go through, I walk on stage,

they go, he's ginger. Who else is ginger? That kid from Harry Potter. What's his name? Can't remember. Just? That kid from Harry Potter. What's his name? Can't remember. Just say Harry Potter. Harry Potter. What happens?

I just said what I always say. He shouted Harry Potter, so I said what I always say. He goes, okay. Before we start, the man at the back has misplaced a book, which is clearly too advanced for him. We need to help him look for it. Nice, nice. And I go, you like the ones about the wizards, don't you? You like the wizards and all that.

And then he capped on shouting shouting so they chucked him out of the venue and then the MC went on afterwards and just went oh it was good when that guy got chucked

out he shouted to Harry Potter at James what would have been better though I said something else when he was leaving I can't remember what it was

he said what would have been better if James had said Expelliarmus that would have been better wouldn't it and everyone would be laughing and Josh Harry was standing next to him and Josh Harry went

just explaining how you were pretty shit that's unbelievable yeah better wouldn't it and everyone would be laughing and Josh Howie was standing next to me and Josh Howie went just explaining how you were pretty shit that's unbelievable yeah do you like it when a room gets out of control James because we've known each other for a while

and you get you get heckled quite a lot we've established that but you seem to really enjoy it when it when it really goes and it's out of control and you can sort of

be the be the sort of the circus master or ring master of all of that sort of stuff. If I can stay in persona, remember to stay in my persona is great fun. Sometimes I don't and I really mess it up

and I get really angry. We do a lot of kids gigs as well, don't you? Yeah. And that must be a similar thing. Yeah, that's fun. But that you really are at the mercy of them because with adults, at least you can kind of rely on them a little bit

to police themselves. And with kids, so I've had some kids gigs have been amazing and they've like really got on board with like right you know we're writing a film today and we're gonna act out the scenes and that's what we're gonna do so what do you and just let them write it and then act it out and they're good at taking turns and stuff like that and other ones you just i did one i was away from home so we're gonna write a letter home to my parents together and I'll write whatever you tell me to write in this letter and it started out normal

and then they started just like, I think I had a six year old say to me to write in I've started smuggling methamphetamine and I was like that's pretty funny because it made me laugh and the other kids were like right

so the kids were shouting I've got a vagina and I've had that's pretty funny because it made me laugh and the other kids were like right so the kids were shouting I've got a vagina and I've had sex with a man and it was like really and they were really getting really amped up about it

and they realised we can do whatever we like and I was like and then the parents were looking horrified at me and so it became me I said to the parents I've not told them

to say any of this this is their upbringing that has led to this it is your fault and so the gig became me, yeah, kind of berating the parents. But like a club gig,

as long as I kind of remember not to get angry at them, it's a lot of fun. If I can just like go with it and actually take what they're saying at face value like they're doing with me. It's hard when you're under attack though, isn't it? Yeah. Because you are under attack in those situations.

So it's hard to, I suppose it's like being in a pub and going, someone physically getting in your face pub and going, someone physically getting in your face and just going, mate, what are you doing? I've been pushed over before on stage.

A man pushed me over for seeing the Kettering Town football chant for ages. I sang for ages on stage and I'd always had to look at one person for it to be funny.

But it wasn't, it was just me spelling out Kettering Town FC over and over again. It wasn't like, you're a wanker. Yeah, no, but James, but you were booked

for a comedy game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to try and play Sesame Street wasn't like you're a wanker but you were yeah no but James but you were booked for a comedy gig yeah yeah yeah you guys want to play Sesame Street don't you it's a very funny bit that opened your last show

didn't it yeah yeah and it's just singing that over and over again in someone's face so that was in an arts centre yeah

so it wasn't a weekend it was not a weekend it was a lovely crowd and I'd had a week of awful gigs I'd actually I'd had six gigs in a row of dying. You get these more than any other comic I know,

where you'll have runs of heckly gigs or shit gigs, and then, like, and then a run of amazing gigs. You don't get one, then one, then one, then one. Yeah, they don't seem to be mixed up, have they? No. So I'd had six horrific, painful, embarrassing deaths in a row. Yeah. And then I got to the Reading Arts Centre going,

oh, here we go, it's a fun night in Reading. And they were lovely. And then I went on and the first five minutes, I saw somebody having a really brilliant gig. I was like, this is great. And I think this is why I put up with what happened as much as I did because I didn't want to let go of the good gig. This is all about my psychology.

But I was singing the ketman town chant they were going for it and the man got up and he pushed me so hard i flew across the stage uh landed quite badly and obviously the room went quiet and i got up and half of them booed him and the other half was silent and i went why did you do that his name was roger what did you do that for roger and he went i didn't like the song and uh then he was sitting with he was about 30 he was sitting with a load of like pensioners and they just turned to him and went, is it okay, Roger? It's fine to do that.

I said, it's not fine. He pushed me over. They went, well, you're a comedian. It's fine. I said, it's not fine because I'm a comedian. And they were like, yes. And I said, who thought it was fine in the room? Roger and his friends cheered.

Everyone who doesn't know Roger then, who doesn't think it's fine? Everyone else cheered. And then he was like, they thought it was funny at the time I was like no they didn't Roger you pushed me over it's really aggressive

and then someone at the back shouted no get on with it and try not to lose us that's weird and I was like someone came out of your house to clean your windows

and a member of your family pushed him off the ladder onto the lawn would you come out and go I want those windows spick and span me and he went I paid to have my windows cleaned

so I was like right fine so I started doing my set again by the way if this was me I would have been do you come out and go, I want those windows spick and span, mate. And he went, I'll pay to have my windows cleaned. So I was like, right, fine. So I started doing my set again. Just, by the way, if this was me, I would have been gone, I'd be in the car. Yeah, I'd have left you. Yep.

As I went across the stage being pushed, I would have turned that movement into turning around and getting in the car. I was thinking the same, I would have tucked into a forward roll, done a forward roll, springboarded off, off the stage,

walkie, walkie, walkie, grab my money on the way out. But I admire you for carrying on and I admire the way you dealt with it. I was in a state of confusion because I was so

wanting to care and having a good gig and I wasn't prepared for it and I hadn't had anything like that happen to me before. So then I started just doing the gig again

and slowly they kind of got on board more until they kind of forgot about the incident and I waited until I did a routine that got an applause and I turned to the guy who had heckled the window cleaner

and was mind-cleaning windows for ages at him. And then I came off, and then Gareth Richards was the first act on, went, are you okay? Why did you stay on? I said, I don't know, I didn't think it through. And then Gareth was brilliant, because basically the venue staff came back and said, we've sorted it, if he does it again, he's out.

Wow. I hear that so much. Yeah. And then Gareth Richards just went, oh really? So he's got one more push of a comedian. I was like,

you know that noise next door who had an improv group on next, like, and he's just going to have to push one of them and everyone else in the room has got two pushes,

is that correct? And then they're out. And they're like, well no, he's like, no. And they're like, well we don't get this,

you know, this isn't, this is a nice club, it's not a junglers. And he went, yeah, it's not a junglers because if it was

he'd be out the door and then I did a gig two days later which was an open mic gig in a little bunker and it was full but there was this compere on

who had never really done compere before he was a character actor who wore a vest and some like shorts and then sandals bare feet

bare legs and he'd go on with a massive that was amazing yeah with a massive drinks bottle like a sports drink

bottle that you squirt into your mouth and he had it was huge like a drum and he went on with that and he was

comparing and he was on and there was this group of girls on the front who had a massive bottle of champagne and he'd do his

character over here and go how's it going guys yeah and then he'd drink out of his bottle for ages like a really long squeeze out of his bottle and then he'd go, how's it going guys? Yeah. And then he'd drink out of his bottle for ages. Like a really long

squeeze out of his bottle and then he'd go, so I play a lot of rugby. Just a bit. And then he'd drink again for ages. And they weren't really going for him.

And then at one point he did this long drink of his bottle and one of the girls went, disgusting when he does that. It's disgusting when he drinks out of his bottle. And then he just stopped drinking

and he went, you think that, he just broke character immediately. You think that's disgusting? Think about how awful it's disgusting when he drinks out of his bottle. And then he just stopped drinking and he went, you think that, he just broke character immediately. You think that's disgusting? Think about how I feel when I look at your fucking hideous face, love. Wow. On the front row.

You look disgusting. Your face is why blowjobs were invented. Which I didn't understand that. And she was like, just tell a joke for once. I'll tell you a joke. What sound does a dog make? And then she wouldn't do it for, just tell the joke for once. And he went, I'll tell you a joke. And he went, what sound does a dog make?

And then she wouldn't do it for, she obviously thought he was drunk, but then she eventually went, woof, woof, and he went, right, what sound does a cat make? She went,

meow. What sound does a whale make? And she didn't know, so we took a big drink out of his bottle, and then he spat water up in the air, all over them, all over the girls. Right.

Right. So they stood up, they got their glasses of champagne, and they chucked their glasses over him, which is fine. I was like, yeah. At this point. Absolutely even, Stephens. Fair enough, let's call it quits. And then one of them

chucked their glass at his feet so it smashed at his feet. And then they all threw their glasses at his feet and then one of them got the bottle of champagne, which was fucking huge and threw that as well and it smashed with this like sonic boom on his legs

and just cut all the way up his legs there's a shard I saw it all from behind the shards just trotting up from the ground up his legs

and like it's just nicking all of his shins and stuff his bare feet and then they all sat and then all five of them sat down

and looked at him and he stood there and the bar staff to the left literally like left of the stage laughing their arses off thinking it was hilarious

including the owner who had introduced him onto stage at the beginning of the night what gig was this it was in Clapham I can't remember what it was called

but like it was like yeah it was in Clapham and like he was just standing there and he went right um

um um and he was looking at the audience not knowing what to do and the girls were there looking really there and he went, right, um, um, um. And he was looking at the audience, not knowing what to do. And the girls were there looking really proud. And he went, uh, okay. And he looked at his hand, back of his hand, written names of the actors, introduced the first actor on, this American guy.

So he walked on, started just doing stand-up. And then the bar staff started sweeping up the glass around him on stage as he's doing it. And stuff like that. And Cousard had the thing happen to me two days before, getting pushed over and not saying anything. i had to get the words of cara fritchards in my head so but so when the guy the guy then went on to introduce me on and just went right you don't want to hear from me so i'm just bringing this next act on and i didn't do any joke

i just the whole thing was i just went on and turned to the bar staff and went you're right yeah how much of what's happened here is normal? Is that going to happen every night? People glass people and you laugh and you let them stay? They're like, no, no, it's a comedy night. It's not. No, it's not a comedy night. It's not a comedy night when that happens. And the girls went, he spat water over us.

I said, yeah. And then you chucked your glasses and champagne over him. And that was fine. Then do you remember when you glassed him? That wasn't all right. And they were like, and then you see in their faces, they suddenly went, oh, it's not alright. But for some reason,

in that environment of, it's a comedy club, it's fine, in their heads, to do it to him. And then as soon as they were like, oh, it's a person, they went,

oh no, it's not. That wasn't alright. But it literally took them, took someone saying to them, you glassed someone a minute ago. Yeah. For them to realise they glassed someone. Otherwise they're like,

no, we just, it was a punchline. I think the lesson that I'm certainly learning from all of these stories from you, James, is you need to look at how you book

your gigs. Or other people, other comedians need to ring their heads to venues and say, who's on? Yeah. Who's on tonight?

Yeah. Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble. So, James, quick fire, because you're a very laid back gentleman. Yeah.

Yeah. Get carried away with the moment. Right, so, hey, James, Edmund Fringe. Yep. So, here's some quickfire questions for you. Yep. Favourite comedian? Oh, no, you know that's really hard.

Quickfire questions? You know that's hard. Quickfire questions? Ah. The Minute, Dave Chappelle. Favourite food? So many. Mojito flavour fudge from the Fudge Kitchen in Edinburgh.

Best furniture that you own? It's really depressing at the minute. I don't own any furniture. How big's your telly? How big's your telly? It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. How big's your telly? I haven't got a telly.

You can't say favourite bit of furniture and James says I'm between houses and then you say how big is your telly. What's your inside leg measurement? All bigger. Which one's the inside leg? 33? Which one's the inside leg?

Yeah, but this is a point because is that on the trouser? You usually use that by two numbers in a row, don't you? Then you're going to... Which one is your inside leg? No, no, no, but when someone says... When someone says what's your inside leg measurement,

I always need to get someone to measure it. I don't know, I can't, is it on the trousers? No, because, side of your balls.

Yeah, side of your balls. So how do you, do you know? It depends, do you cut your balls or not? Yours is what, 14 inches?

No, it's 29, it's ridiculous. And even that, I can scuff them. Have you got a big packet? Yeah. He does have a big packet,

actually. Have you? Have you got a big knob? I don't know big packet actually have you have you got a big knob get it out get it out you can tell me right now no I was just trying to

I was hoping that woman who said he had a little knob is listening and waiting to say James got a big knob if you are listening drunk lady James came in today

and it took him another five minutes to get his knob in thank you I'm still dragging it up the stairs if anything it's not even functional do you have a car

no crashed I've written off three cars oh you stopped driving didn't you yeah I kind of yeah I don't drive okay not because I'm a nervous driver

for the sake of everyone else on the road who stops driving who stops nervous a nervous driver yeah or people who think maybe it's best

I don't kill anyone do you think if I came with you in a car and gave you a few lessons you'd get your confidence back no no probably not it's not a confidence thing every time I kind of start driving again If I came with you in a car and gave you a few lessons, you'd get your confidence back. No.

It's not a confidence thing. Every time I kind of started driving again, I've been fine. Right. And then at some point, I'll make a tiny mistake, and it goes ridiculously wrong every time. Yeah. And no one's died yet. Been involved and caused three car crashes.

You've caused them. They've all been my fault. Right. Yeah. Also been in a train that derailed, so it wasn't my fault. Don've caused them. They've all been my fault. Right. Yeah. I've also been in a train that derailed, so it wasn't my fault. Don't do that. No. So you do feel that you're just not safe behind a wheel?

Well, I just feel that I'm... You've tested your luck enough. Yeah, for whatever reason, I was very unlucky. I wrote off my parents' Ford Fiesta eight days after passing my test. Right. Because I went round a back road. I was going back road home at night, mud on the road, skidded, smashed up against a verge and a hedge. How was going back road home at night mud on the road skidded smashed up against a verge and a hedge

how was that your fault if there was mud on the road I was going a bit too fast and then I kind of tried to carry on driving home because I didn't want to get out of the car

and your knob got caught under the wheel my knob got wrapped up in the gear and yeah and now I went it kind of like spluttered back into the road

and then stopped again. And then two cars, one car came really fast around the corner behind me, and the other came coming fast towards me. And the one coming behind me saw me at the last minute, steered around me and smashed into the other car. So you were fine? They went into a ditch. I was fine. I was A-OK. And they were fine as well. But, like, also with that one, at one point I was balancing on two wheels, my two right wheels for a while just teetering around. And I knew because it was a Ford Fiesta

and my head basically was, like, knocking against the roof. Yeah. That if it rolled, it would just do it once. It wouldn't roll for ages because it wasn't going fast enough. It would just go like that and I would just snap my neck. So I was kind of, like, waiting for that to happen and then it went back on four wheels and it was fine. That was pretty scary.

And then I got my own car because I was in a band so I got an estate car and then in the last gig which was in North Yorkshire driving four and a half hours to get home and 15 minutes from my house on Jewel Carriageway

I fell asleep and steered into the Central Reservation and then into a lorry and just pinballed between the two of them on the far thing and all the windows

were exploding. Safest way to crash that if you're asleep. It was. No one hurt again. Zero fatalities. No it's safe because your body is limp. That's what I did on the to crash that if you're asleep it was no one hurt again zero fatalities no it's safe because your body is limp

that's what I did on the third one because you're asleep well no the third one I was awake again but I just me and Josie

who was in the car Josie Long and our friend Johnny who was in the car we'd all just seen Johnny Bag yep we'd all just seen

Due Date and I had a massive car crash right and Galifianakis isn't hurt, and Rob Downey Jr's got, like, a neck brace on. Okay. And Galifianakis goes,

oh, because I was asleep, my body was really limp, so I didn't get hurt. So when we started having the third car crash, all three of us said afterwards that we all deliberately relaxed our bodies when it was crashing. It's hard to do that.

Because of the film? Yeah. To be fair, I shouldn't have done it before the crash happened. But, like, no, but yeah, because of the film yeah to be fair I shouldn't have done it before the crash happened but like no but yeah because of the film because we remember the film

what happened in that crash tried to overtake a log lorry you did yep final destination yep well we were talking about final destination

when we were behind it we said this is like final destination we should probably overtake because we needed to catch up with a promoter who had already overtaken the lorry

we didn't know how to get to the gig and our phones weren't working in the Welsh hills so we were like and how to get to the gig and our phones weren't working in the Welsh hills so we were like and then we got to a really long

straight of road so we all agreed unanimously we can make this but it was a hire car it's terrifying all of it sounds

doomed doesn't it the whole thing sounds like and then we all agreed we would pass it we had just talked about Final Destination

we had just seen a film with a big car crash so go on so we started overtaking it but because it was a higher car the first day of driving this high car the high car we had before the previous day was really fast yeah this one didn't accelerate as fast yeah so yeah so this one we're crawling up really really slowly behind alongside this log lorry and then we got to a point where we realized

we're not going to make the it past the log lorry before we get to the corner. Yeah. But we're already like three quarters along the way and we couldn't go back at this point. We were kind of trapped. So we just had to floor it and hope that no cars came around the corner. And then four cars came around the corner, head on with us. So we steered, I steered in between the log lorry and the cars, sort of driving in between them. And that was fine.

We got out, we made it out in the corner, came out the corner in front of the lorry but then the last car the forts clipped the back of us all right okay so we span in front of the lorry and then the lorry slammed into the passenger side of us and then pushed us along the road and then pushed us up a grass verge for a garden for a greenhouse and as we're coming down at the verge the lorry moved and then drove over the front of our car so just took the front of our car out and then it flipped over and about 100 logs fell onto our car and just basically dragged us through a hedge

and they were embedded themselves in the windshield and I had a log stop about half a foot from my face in the windshield with the windshield torn up and then we all got out of the car and did all we can what train requests salt and vinegar

there was James Acaster we were there by the way yeah we were there I know he was chatting away he doesn't look James

he doesn't stop does he he's not that he doesn't stop because he's not look what he's saying isn't interesting, because it is. Yeah. But he just has to think sometimes. Let's have a conversation. I'm going to talk at these two blokes for a bit.

You get him started on things like that, mate, and he's off. It's very easy if you're feeling a bit tired and you want to have a chat with someone. Actually, we both were, weren't we? So that was quite handy as it turned out. Listen, no podcast tomorrow. The podcast is going to be back on Monday but our show continues.

It does, every day. Yeah, every single day. 9.45pm, Peacock and Gamble, Heartthrobs, Pleasant's Courtyard. And by the way, we found out as well

that we were number one in the podcast charts. I say we were because I know now it's not going to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the moment, we are.

As we're talking now, we are. But it probably won't carry on, will it not? No. Unless you all do something good. Yeah, why not download the podcast? They've already done it. As we're talking now, we are. But it probably won't carry on, will it not? No. Unless you all do something good. Yeah, why not download the podcast? They've already done that.

If they're hearing this thing. We can't do a promotion for the podcast on the podcast. Yeah. Because the people that won't hear it. Yeah. Tell a friend. Tell a friend. Tell a friend.

Exactly. Get a friend. Go visit your parents. Go visit your parents. Get them both to download it. Sneakily subscribe when they're not looking. Go visit your nana. Get her to download it. Or it would be hilarious they're not looking. Go and visit your nana. Get her to download it.

Or it would be hilarious getting her on iTunes. Yeah, that would be a comedy routine about that. We'll see you again on Monday. Have a lovely weekend

and come and see us at the Pleasants. Bye. The Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk. Today's guest was James Acaster, and my show is Lawnmower. Press has caught you at 7 o'clock. All music by Thomas Fun the Ray. Is that what that's meant to say, Thomas Fun the Ray?

See you on Monday