The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 9 (Arthur Smith)

Episode Date: May 16, 2021

"Edinburgh Fringe 2013 Episode 9 (Arthur Smith)" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 121 of 128.

Pico and Gamble podcast for this week. And I think we will be enjoying it again when it starts again next week. And why are you doing the end of it? Sore voice. Sore voice. Yeah. So you're doing the end of it first? I just thought I'd just do that and then we'd probably switch it off.

No, no, no, no. We're doing the intro. This is honestly Ray Peacock. Don't talk. Don't talk, Ray Peacock. There's an interesting thing happening down my voice. I made Gamble, by the way. I made Gamble.

I can speak down here. Yeah. Hey, how are you doing? Yeah. Hey, I'm all right, thank you. But if I try and get up... Well, don't do it then. You shouldn't be talking at all.

No, I shouldn't, should I? Because we've got loads more shows to do. We've got to do two shows tomorrow. Two't do it then. You shouldn't be talking at all. No, I shouldn't. Because we've got loads more shows to do. We've got to do two shows tomorrow. Two shows tomorrow. On the podcast land. Yeah, exactly. Two shows to do, right? So you shouldn't be talking at all. So I think I'm going to undertake this intro then. Okay. I'm going to do it right now. Hello, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast episode number, and then if you just cut in a number. I'll give you a range. I don't know what number it is. 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. Cut one of them in.

I don't know which one it is. Drop one of them in. Yeah, but do the research and cut one of them numbers in. I could be going to bed to rest my mind. Shush, shush. Our guest today on today's podcast is... It's Arthur Smith. No, I'll say it.

I'll say it. I'll do something on this one. No, you don't. You're losing the voice. I'll let you edit it alright? Thank you. Our guest today is Arthur Smith from comedy and he's been doing comedy for a

very long time. Ray don't eat a biscuit on it. I always imagine when you've got a bad throat things like biscuits and crisps are good for it because they take away all the badness on the way down. Yeah I have right fingers as well but it's not hurting my throat. No exactly it. It'll be fine, mate. But you shouldn't be talking.

And we had a lovely chat with Arthur Smith. He's a very nice man and very, very funny. And off his head. Mental. Mental. So we'll enjoy listening to that conversation. And a particular favourite bit, literally just going through Arthur's jacket

so he carries around a bit. You'll hear it all in a minute yeah it's brilliant yeah our show Peacock and Gamble Heartthrobs continues to happen

it insists on being sold out doing well enjoying it nice audiences 9.45 every night Pleasant's Courtyard Peacock and Gamble

Heartthrobs I didn't enjoy it tonight Friday and Saturday night you didn't enjoy it tonight but I'm telling you it was good mate

I didn't enjoy it because the voice was straining. Yeah, but it was sold out again. Yeah, but you're a very funny lad. Oh, thanks. Everyone agreed, and all the girls waited afterwards and told me they thought you were very handsome, and your new voice is actually really sexy. My girl did meet us afterwards from Brighton.

Yeah. Lizzie. I want to say Lizzie. I met another girl as well by the fast frames today. Can't remember her name. Began with an M. This is typical of you, mate. Always meeting girls, not even remembering their name. I remember Alice her name. Began with an M. This is typical of you, mate. Always meeting girls, not even remembering their names. I remember Alice and Erin.

Alice and Erin, yeah. Two girls that came to our show. Remember them. Okay, so you remember some girls' names. James. James isn't a girl, mate. I remember some people. Yeah, you shouldn't be talking, mate.

Sorry. You shouldn't be talking. I think just doing a list of names is alright. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, I'm glad you've chosen the right reason to talk which is apparently just doing a list

of girls names tell you what we had an exciting day today though didn't we we did a really exciting day wait till you hear the podcast next week

I'm going to retire now from this one yeah well I told you you should have retired ages ago you did a list of girls names as you can hear Ed's not looking after me

even though my voice has broken I'm looking after you perfectly well mate encouraging me to talk I'm not encouraging you to talk your regime after your voice has gone.

You're supposed to be into theatre. You studied drama. Yeah. Your regime, you come straight off stage. Two bookers. Right, two sambookers. That's not normal, mate. It feels like it's good for it.

It might feel like it's good for it. It's said through a mouthful of digestive. Right in. Right in, that's new. It's bambooka, good for everything. Where are they going to send a letter to? I don't know. My doctor's, isn't it? Your doctor's?

Have I got a doctor? You don't have a doctor, mate. All right, fine. Right. Send it to your pension office, I'll pick it up later. I never thought this. I never thought I'd say this, but let's get Arthur Smith on because it will make more sense.

Here's Arthur. Here's Arthur. Peacock and Gamble, Peacock and Gamble. So I saw you yesterday and you were just sat outside an house. Yeah. You were wearing, I want to set this in.

So you're a man of maturing years. Not an old man by any stretch. Well, yeah. I mean, I did a gig recently

and I asked a 10 year old girl who she thought I looked like and she said Robbie Williams. And I realised that to her, I did, I mean, once you're over a certain age,

you're aged. You're the same age as me. You can't cling to that. I am. You can't. The 10-year-old girl said you look like Robbie Williams. That doesn't mean you look like Robbie Williams. 10-year-olds just grab for the first name

that comes into their head. No, I think she was thinking, he's so old, this man who's looking at me who do I know who's as old as that and to her Robbie Williams yeah okay

but anyway so you were on the street like Robbie Williams stood there you had shorts on fine you had a big rucksack yeah

you had a top hat on oh yeah possibly no who doesn't know if you had a top hat on yesterday or not? It was one of those theatrical hats,

I think it fell just short of the top hat, it was like a, it was like a sort of bowler with an abscess. You, you had a, you had a low end

top hat. Yeah. A demi hat. Yeah. You're right, you're on the street, and your first words to me,

you waved, very good that, professional broadcasting that you work regularly on Radio 4, don't you? Microphone there, you're slamming tea down next to it. Well, let's keep doing that. Yeah, but I'm going to refer to that noise shortly. All right, good. We'll look forward to that. Your first words to me were, you can't help me. You waved as you saw me and I walked towards you and I went, magnificent, because I said about

the top hat, and you went, you can't help me. I thought, what's that? Is he in distress? You were in distress. And then you let out a stream of expletives about how you couldn't find your keys. And you didn't know where you put them. I got the impression you'd been looking for about

four hours and you'd given up at that point. I hadn't entirely given up because even though you can look for four hours in your pockets for keys and not find them, you can still find them. Yeah, they could be in a bit of pocket that you haven't quite looked in yet. There's always a possibility, isn't there? There's such a thing in pockets as a pocket narnia where you need to go through the right bit

and then you'll find a whole other land. Yeah, it's true. See, women don't know about this because they don't really have pockets, do they? They have handbags. Yeah, but handbags are worse by the looks of it. They're a strange turmoil. I'm going to contest that.

I'm going to contest that women don't have pockets. I just went with it. That's how trustworthy I find out. I just went with that women don't have pockets. I'm not having it that's how trustworthy I find the answer that I just went with that women don't have pockets I'm not having it that women don't have pockets women may occasionally

have pockets but if they do in the unlikely event they do they don't put anything in them and of course they have the most natural pocket in the world yeah

the love pocket the love pocket yeah stop me hanging in there oh I'm sorry. I apologise. It's okay. So I presume you found these keys,

weren't you? Indeed. We're moments after you arrived, so in the end, you could help me. Well, I actually said to you, have you looked under your hat as a joke?

Yeah. So you did. Don't you ever keep anything under your hat? Well, don't you ever heard the phrase, he's kept it under his hat? Why, you don't know where it is. Or hat well don't you ever heard the phrase he's kept it under his hat why you don't

know where it is or you can't you're not it's a secret it's a secret it's not he keeps his keys under his

hat famous old phrase I don't know why though where were they would they knock my hat off

though maybe they were in the mysterious pocket the pocket that I had looked Were they really? Pocket none, yeah. The pocket that I had looked in maybe 30 or 35 times already, and it turned out they were in there. Yeah.

That all happened, wasn't it? Because maybe they weren't in there when I was looking, and then, you know, they'd gone off to magic land and then just come and nip back at the last moment. Think of the adventures they'd had. Yeah. If only Keith could talk. I'll tell you what annoys me talking about things.

I was thinking about how little work some objects do. Yeah. If only Keith could talk. I'll tell you what annoys me talking about things. I was thinking about how little work some objects do. If you think about your flat, your bed puts in a solid eight hours. Yeah. You know, your chair's maybe a couple of hours a day. Toothbrush, two, five minutes. Important, aren't they? A little blast, aren't they?

Yeah, but they're only working like 10 minutes a day whereas they go inside your mouth though aren't they your comb imagine your comb what is that well my comb never worked

it's been unemployed for years same and that has that bothered you yeah well I feel I'm not getting any money's worth

from some of these things like there's a chair we have at home that no one ever sits in it's just like is it decorative though a bit yeah well yeah it's things. Like, there's a chair we have at home and no one ever sits in. It's just like... Is it decorative though? A bit, yeah. Well, yeah,

not as far as I'm concerned. I mean, to me, a chair should be sat in. Yeah. And that's why I was thrown out of that exhibition in Barcelona.

Are you going to do this joke about the tea yet or not? Oh, yeah. Well, what I... And the thing is, I've got this... I've got a thing.

Oh, no, it's gone. This joke is not a prepared joke. It's more one on the hoof. I'm not convinced anyone could hear this tea. I'm going to put this tea down next to the microphone and see if you can hear it. Oh, well, you can. There you go.

Another little insight into the mind, if indeed that exists of Arthur's work. But it's your job of giving me the tea. It is. Well, I did, didn't I? That was part of the agreement.

So I believe, so when you were arranging the sins of you... It was part of the agreement. I think Arthur was in quite a business-minded mood when I was booking him in for the interview.

So we agreed on meet at 4.30 and it was a cup of tea for Arthur and he could have a sip of my tea. Now, I've thrown a spanner in the works

in that I've got a green tea with lemon. That's fair enough. We never... We never agreed what type of tea it is. No. Oh, that means you might... That's good for singing, I gather. Oh, I should grab some of that then, maybe.

Is it? Yeah, maybe, yeah. Tastes nice. I just like the taste. This is a genuine thing that you do in your life, because we know you a little bit in terms of... Because we both present on 4Xtra. And we also have to say, by the way, at some point during the podcast,

that this podcast is not affiliated in any way to the BBC. Do we have to say that? And not affiliated to Radio 4Xtra. Because we are all presenters on it. Yeah. And it might confuse. I think we all realise

it's not affiliated to Radio 4Xtra when we started talking about a ladies love podcast. Exactly. You would think it would be self-explanatory, but you know, we've got to allow for idiots. So we found some little things out about the inner workings of Arthur Smith

and how you work from a professional perspective. Don't tell me you've done some research. Well, not deliberately. Everyone's used to Arthur Smith. Oh, he's fun, isn't he? And he's on the radio and that with his cantankerous ways and pleasant demeanour pleasant and cantankerous

yeah I like that but they don't know that you do make these demands within your professional life you do make you know

it's things like if you're working with a certain producer it's like right I will come and do my job that I'm employed at but you've got to bring me a present

yeah you do that a lot well I usually take the present for the producer you bring them a present as well. Yeah, no, no. Love hearts, of course. I've got some with me. And a cherry.

And a sparkler. Arthur, what? Now, this is like a really sort of whimsical version. What's in the top pocket? Genuinely, genuinely. This is like a really whimsical version of when the Joker gets taken into the police station

in the Dark Knight. What's that? I don't know what that is. How can you not know what's something in your pocket? Right, it's a wildlife tube. It's a yoghurt. A strawberry for harm's sake. It's from my...

Jesus. Where did this come from? It was in your pocket. My pocket. No, it didn't just come out of your pocket. Yes, it did. But it must have been put in there.

Did you buy that coat? From a charity shop. That would make sense, wouldn't it? How do I know where it came from? It's a tube of yoghurt in my jacket.

Life is not so easy to understand. You know that, Ray? Do you forget things? Yes, constantly. Ever since I was... I remember when I went on holiday when I was 20 on a Euro rail trip. And at the end ever since I was I remember when I went on holiday

when I was 20 on a Euro rail trip and at the end of it I estimated I'd lost one thing every day and then my rucksack was about

half as heavy credit cards one day socks you know some day it was just like a shirt or something yeah

I just lost a shirt do you know what we need to have a cherry. We've got some cherries in the other room. Do you want us to just replace your cherry? I never thought I'd say

that to Arthur. I would like a cherry. Now I've mentioned it. I must admit. Oh no, I found it. Here it is. He's brought out one cherry.

He's got one cherry. This is unbelievable. You don't know where your keys are, but you've got love hearts, a tube of yoghurt and a single cherry. A solitary cherry? That wasn't in your jacket, that was in your shorts pocket. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that was, yeah. Well, you see, I've got

so many pockets, that's why I spend my life looking for my keys. But why have you got one cherry? Why? Well, I shouldn't have one cherry. Sometimes I don't want to. What's the thinking behind this? So can you take me back on that cherry's life, as far as you know it? I bought the cherries when we arrived.

Just before I came here, I thought, those cherries look nice. I'll take one. Right. And maybe I'll give it away. Because I like to have presents. Like you see, these are the love hearts. I've got a sparkler in me. Who knows what other gifts

I've got in me rucksack. I know that's over there. I can have a look if you like. I'm going to take a photo of this. Oh, you do realise if you've got a single cherry carrying it around,

if you try and give that to a woman, it does seem like a really bad planchette up line. You say that. Have you ever tried it? No. Neither have you. You've still got the cherry.

Well, I may have started with two if you're not right there's another cherry if you play your cards right you're quite a charming man though have you found maybe your life

yeah it's ridiculous I'm so charming it's revolted sometimes I sicken myself without bloody charming I would have said the word beginning with F I'm guessing you can on this yeah sometimes I sicken myself with how bloody charming I am I would have said the word beginning with F

I'm guessing you can on this yeah yeah can I enjoy I'll say that again then what was the sentence I've just realised how much I am so fucking charming

sometimes it's revolting it's my father's bloody fault is it considered charm though is it manipulative charm or is it just or is it inherent in you? If you say it's from your father then I guess it is something that's Yeah, well in a way

one is loath to analyse one's own charm. Yeah. But why the hell not? I think it probably comes from my father. It's a question of thinking of other people in a way. I mean you probably want a love heart don't you? Not really but I'm not saying I'll never want one again in my life. I was just thinking in terms of offering a lady something,

go with the cherry, as opposed to, do you want a look at my yoghurt tube? Love hearts, you can't go wrong. Because what you do is you say, and the third one down is my feelings for you. Right, so are we playing that game now? Not as well, don't you think? Right, so Arthur's brought us some love hearts.

For you too, so third down for you for me and fifth eighth down eighth down right right might as well

make it awkward there we go there we go and this describes exactly my feelings for you and the third one down is Arthur's

feelings for me which is first love wow so we know that's fucking nonsense so I've got to go

five more down and we'll find we'll find out Arthur's feelings for this is the first time love hearts have been unwrapped

on the podcast I think there might be a reason for that Arthur that's just I'm happy to get a deal with love hearts I'm always talking about them right

but it's whether this is we'll try one it's whether or not they want to be associated with you as well though though, isn't it? Seems maybe not. Oh, that's awkward.

So what were you again? First love. I'm afraid I'm true love. Yeah, well, I dumped you. Not what you're doing. Look, you introduced Arthur to a lot. You helped him discover things about himself that he never knew. But I'm here waiting.

Yeah. Ready for him to put all that into place. You've piled your love hearts up in a neat pile. Yeah, they're all ready now, aren't they? I'm type 1 diabetic. I will not be having any of those love hearts. Well, I'm type 2 diabetic. Yeah, I thought you were diabetic as well.

Why are you eating love hearts full stop? Well, the odd love heart don't make any sense. It's just a little love heart. Yeah, gay love heart, don't you? All mine, this one says. It is all mine. So we know about the love hearts

we know about the gifts and things we also know that you I've got this theory about you do you know the play Miss Julie Strimbo

Strimbo play yeah in Miss Julie there is only two characters in Miss Julie but they always say there's three people always say

there's three because there's Miss Julie there's another guy and there's also the father who you never see but it's a big thing in the play

his boots are on the stage and he's a presence in the play. Ah, okay. They refer to his boots and all that. You know, they're always there. Whenever we go into the studio at the BBC to record the show, there are some, what I can only describe as infantile slippers on the floor which belong to you. Well, that is an insult to the people of Greece.

Right, okay. Well, I apologise to Danny, Sandy, Kineke, all those people. In advance. But you leave your slippers. You're that in at the BBC. But you maintain you're not.

Because every time we see you, you go, oh, they want to fucking talk to me later on. And we never know, we never find out what it's about. Not only have you got your feet under the table,

when you're not there your slippers are under the table I know well I'm always expecting someone would have stolen them because they do like a Radio 4

continuity from there don't they I think sometimes and I sort of assume that people or some jobs would come and say well these aren't

meant to be here because they are a pair of cheap green slippers but I've left them there and they've made a little home there and I think people like them.

Yeah. Makes a change from just your stand, you know, your regulatory recording equipment. Yeah. Which very rarely involves two little flimsy Greek slippers. That's because they have

absolutely no use for recording. Well, I think... Well, they keep Arthur comfortable during his recording. But they are, they're very noticeable, aren't they? And also,

they're not always in the same place. Do you wear them when you're going to record? Quite usually, yeah. Yeah. And then what I like to do

is wear them out in the street, outside, you know, down up the Regent Street. Yeah. And it's funny, the feeling you get when you're wearing slippers

in the street, it feels like you're doing something faintly illegal or transgressive. Yeah. It's like your're doing something faintly illegal or transgressive. It's like your pyjamas or something. I mean, there's no reason why you can't wear your pyjamas walking about, is there?

More and more, I want to. Your yoghurt, you might pop out. No pockets, of course. No pockets in pyjamas, which is why only girls wear them. Yes, I do leave my slippers there, but it's my little mark. I don't want you to think, by the way, that any

of this is critical. I'm not criticising you in any way. I find you absolutely baffling and intriguing as a gentleman. I am a mysterious... You've been around forever in comedy as well as in the media. I've met everybody.

We want to tell you right now, it's now called a Snickers. Yeah, but people still laugh. Yeah, you get it. Look, if people are still laughing... Actually, I'll tell you, I bought that joke from Nick Hancock. Did you really? Yeah. And who did he buy it off?

No, he is the genuine author of it. Well, we should actually explain this to you. Do you still open with that as a joke? No, I do it occasionally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the joke is, I entered a marathon the other day, terrible chocolate and peanuts all over me willy.

Yeah. Right, that's the joke. Amazing, it gets a laugh. Great joke. Well, it isn't a great joke, in as far as I haven't been called Marathons for 15, 20 years. I think it's like getting on for 30

years now. It makes me think they should change the name back to Marathon. For your joke. Well, also because clearly that's what

people still think of it as. But you reference that there's a name change now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I say that. Well, I say I can't

believe I've got to laugh with this joke because I can't really I mean it's you know I've got a cracking joke about buying opal fruits in Woolworths

yeah come on let's hear it well I've got another one I've got another one here's another one that's going to out of date what do you do if you get a peanut

stuck up your bum you eat a bar of chocolate and it comes out a treat a treat look at this you see you need to treat I don't get that that's known no a treat eat a bar of chocolate and it comes out a treat a treat you see you need to I don't get that

that's known no a treat was a type of chocolate bar covered in nuts covered in

chocolate so it comes out a treat do you still do that joke no I haven't that one

I'm trying to guess who knows might do no I don't think so well Ed didn't know

what one was I remember them I remember treats although I was playing an audience of over 50

as I often am you'd actually know they'd have forgotten treats never made the impact that marathons did I think

they were nice though even as we're talking about it now I'm thinking I'd love one of them you'd love a

treat well they'd probably still go up just with a different name don't think so I think they

went that's the problem calling something a treat then people are going to only buy it occasionally because it's a treat

you should call it an everyday. That's probably what someone said at some marketing meeting. Dreadful marketing. I was thinking of marketing meetings, how the hell did they come up with that name, which I do love. Pork Scratchings. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't sound... Because that sounds

like the pig's got itchy, it's scratched itself and then whatever's dropped off, they've stuck in a fryer yeah why is it scratching no idea well someone must have called them they could have called them you know

pork canapes or you know bacon delice yeah pork scratchings yeah people I buy them

and in a way I buy them because they're called pork scratchings yeah you wouldn't buy a bag or something in a pub

called bacon delice, would you? Well, they call them pork crackling as well, don't they? Pork crackling. Which is more budget. That's middle class posh. It's scratchings is what I want. I don't want crackling. Oh, crackling is what you get when you've actually had a large lump of pork.

Yeah, with the crackling, yeah. Yeah. Pork scratchings are sort of inferior relative of the crackling in a way. Don't think I've ever seen you so upset. Pea cooking gamble, pea cooking gamble. relative of the crackling in Hawaii. Don't think I've ever seen you so upset. What are you, Arthur Smith? I'm a comedian. In the end, that's what I am.

I'm also a poet, a singer, a flaneur, a wanderer, a rambler. A flaneur? What's that? It's French

for all those other words. All right. No, a flaneur actually was's that? It's French for all those other words. Flaneur actually was a 19th century French thing. The word comes from flaneur. It kind of means to drift about. People like Baudelaire and these French romantic poets or the simplest poets. It was like when the city had just started,

the industrialised city, and they'd wander around the city, taking it in and looking. They were always vaguely on the edge. They were flaneur, was the idea, and then they would write about it. So my greatest delight is wandering around the streets of Edinburgh. It's such a beautiful city. I'm really, really disappointed that in an attempt to fashion this bedroom into a studio, you've taken the things from

the settee and shoved them on the window so that I presume so you get a better sound but frankly I'd have

been happier with worse sound and that fabulous view that lies behind those big cushions of Arthur's seat we get a nice

view of Arthur's seat anyway don't we you can never see your arse can you no human being has ever seen their own arse

if you angle a mirror the right way yeah but then it's reflected back at you and the sides have changed you've never really seen it

never seen it live I agree with you about that view because I've never really took much notice of Arthur's seat over the years because I edit this

I edit it in sort of late at night early hours of the morning I I edit this I'm editing sort of late at night early hours of the morning I guess and I often see the sunrise over there it's genuinely

quite a breathtaking movie I mean that's one of the things that's so great about it it's ridiculous it's got a

fucking mountain in the middle of it you know you don't get that in Birmingham do you no no no that's all

and they've named it after me and what do you do you still do your tour I have no I'm not at the moment I've sort of been touring on and off for several years

all around the country no no no your tour oh my late night tour oh yes yes I'm doing that when are you doing it the night of the 17th technically the 18th

I'm putting that in my diary right now it was 2am you meet at the entrance to the castle I've been on one before have you great fun yeah

come and be in it if you want you can like leap out from behind the corner as a bears and shout at people oh yeah

it would be the famous Edinburgh Bears when you say bears do you mean actual bears or do you mean the specific homosexual

sort of I can do that what is a homosexual bear? it's like him big guy hairy is that what you call them bears?

I thought they were gym bunnies oh no that's the other were gym bunnies. Oh, no, that's... Yeah, no, that's the other... No. Yeah. Gym bunnies.

Yeah. And that's bears. Happily, I'd love to be, but although there's also the risk of us getting arrested, because... That can happen occasionally, yeah. How many arrests have there been on that tour over the years? Well, only...

It became very, very close, two years running, but I didn't. and then the next year there were only two arrests. Simon Munnery. I didn't know you were arrested. Well, Munnery got arrested when the police pulled up because the police only used to arrive because Malcolm Hardy would always

at the start of the tour ring the police and complain. So the police were often lurking about. I do remember one instance, somewhere there's a picture of it, of a policeman on top of a porter cabin attempting to arrest Malcolm, who was

completely naked apart from his socks. We were all just standing around watching this. He warned him or something. He didn't arrest him. Malcolm mysteriously never did get arrested. So the police were off and lurking about there was one year when we ended outside

Steve Coogan's flat and he was pretending to be James Bond or something from behind the window and then suddenly there was

and I just said right we're finished now and everyone was separating and all these police came but it was you know it was all you know everyone everyone sort of just said,

if it had been, you know, two minutes later, you know, it could have been mayhem. And what were you arrested for? Well, Munnery was arrested for breach of the peace. I got breach of the peace and possession of a megaphone. That's generally what they said. There's a quick way of saying that

isn't there free to the piece funny enough I walked past the very police station but Munnery was arrested and I felt oh boy it's not fair

Munnery being arrested if anyone should be arrested it should be me so I'd gone down to show and I'd been such a pain in the arse

in the station that they decided to arrest me well not pain in the arse I was just you know so it was almost like

who's the Mr Big in this is that Arthur Smith that's right where can we find him oh he's waiting in the waiting room and they arrested me for breach of the peace

and possession of a megaphone but there was no I got fined oh did you really yeah yeah I got fined because me and Munnery really? Yeah, yeah. I got fined, because me and Munnery came up with this court case,

I remember. And it was quite entertaining. And we got, I got, he, I think he got off and I got fined 100 quid, which I have never paid. I mean, I,

I've even sent him a reminder subsequently. Really? And so technically, I always think I am a wanted man in Edinburgh because I never played that fight

and you just walked past that police station as well exactly yeah I mean you've got to think they're really a bit sloppy you know that was 13 years ago

I was arrested and they still haven't asked for the fine should we ring that police station yeah maybe I should go in and offer them 100 quid why don't we

take you in there take you in there and say we've come for the bounty on this here family. How many Edinburgh's have you done now, Arthur? Well, you can do the math, as they say. I first came in 1977, and whilst I haven't always done a proper show, I have been here every year

since bar 2 wow so I mean yeah whatever the money that is I could work it out I'll probably be better at doing it

should I do it on my phone do it on your phone what is it since what year if you're that pathetic so 17 5th

no 25 is it yeah I've been up 25 times no 24 it's fucking loads I'll do it on my phone I've been up 25 times then. No, 24. It's fucking loads. I'll get it on my phone. I'll get it on my phone.

It's only going to say fucking loads on your calculator. Yeah, fucking loads on there. I've only done different things. Somewhere around 25. And why did you, as a way, did you miss two? They were both relatively early. After two years of doing it,

it was just so exhausting, losing so much money, and we weren't really getting anywhere, and I had this girlfriend, and we decided, oh, fuck it. And then the other time I was quite depressed one year

I just was miserable and I just said, I've sod it and I'm not going although actually I did have a show on even though I wasn't there I've just remembered I did a thing called the publicity stunt where I had a friend of mine came on for 50 minutes and played his teeth you know, he could play a tune on his teeth

and I phoned in from Norway or something. It's a dim memory. But I would never actually went that year. And actually both times I felt like, you know, there was a party going on next door, but I'd sulked and not gone. So I kind of feel, even if I'm not actually doing a proper show,

or there's always something you do, you know, I always quite like to come up. Otherwise I feel, you know, there's something missing. Yeah. know I always quite like to come up otherwise I feel you know there's something missing yeah how many have you done nine

it's my ninth it's straight in a row or have you missed any no I've missed loads no I did 99, 2000, 2001, 2002 2005, 2006 and then my next one

was 2011 oh you had five years off yeah did you miss it not off well yeah five years where you didn't do it. Five years where I'd done proper work.

No, I didn't miss it at all. I've never really thrown myself into the Edinburgh thing, you know. I've never been a... I've come up on work, really. Yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah. Well, I mean, I used to be much more of a roister-doisterer than I am now.

Yeah, yeah. In the end, I got really ill from drinking and carousing, often in Edinburgh. You don't drink anymore anymore do you? No. You notice that? No. I had the odd sip of red wine with a steak like once a week type thing. Yeah. Just the odd love heart now. But you don't spit all over the floor.

And then all over us. So how long since did you stop drinking? It was around... The last time I was drunk was December the 11th, 2001. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 11, 12, 2, 0, 0, 1. I'll get on my phone.

I'll get on my phone. Yeah, I was... There was one night, the following night, in fact, I woke up with just brutal pain in my stomach. Yeah. It felt like some kind of wild animal was trying to eat its way out. It was really fucking agony. Hospital,

and I was taken into intensive care and they diagnosed acute necrotizing pancreatitis, which is as bad as it sounds. And I was not likely to survive, I gather. Yeah. I woke up the next morning

in intensive care with my mum and dad and girlfriend and family all around me. And I thought, well, this is my deathbed scene. Yeah, yeah. But I did. Somehow, I don't know, somehow or other, I pulled through. It's quite an impressive turnaround, though, isn't it?

Because if you consider how you were regarded as a personality within the comedy community, so there's yourself and Malcolm Hardy, who's now with us, and certainly the two of you together, it was a thing, wasn't it? They were the wild boys. Yeah, I suppose so a bit, yeah. Although the whole thing about Malcolm,

he's become this sort of myth, which I'd rather like. He would have fucking loved it. He's become this sort of legend of people who never knew him even. And what he was, was he had an utter kind of recklessness about him a kind of I don't give a fuck

in a way that we all secretly would like to feel you know act on that sometimes and of course

it's hopelessly irresponsible and you know you'd end up dead as of course you did but he had this kind of

just fearlessness that was extraordinary even things like see even to use as an. But even things like, see, even to use as an example now, even things like you saying that at the beginning

of your tour that you do every year in Edinburgh where you walk people around Edinburgh late at night and have a pretend tour where you make things up

apparently on the spot it seems, but I guess you prep some of it. Some years I prepare it a bit and often I just make it up. But even that, him ringing the police

at the beginning of that tour. I never do this until after his book came out. But isn't that wonderful, though? Also, we just said then, we should walk you into the police station. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Malcolm would have gone, we're doing that now. Yeah, he probably would have. Also, if I ever managed to bring myself to do something like call the police before the tour starts,

would you be finding out about that as soon as the tour had finished I'd be going I'd call the police to just leave it until the book comes out to just totally for his own

amusement well he was always he had an ambiguous relationship with the police over many years including seven years inside yeah

because I asked him what were you done for he reputedly was done for nicking the Rolls Royce of a shadow, no, of a cabinet minister, a Tory cabinet minister, which obviously didn't help.

That's the thing, it was always someone, it was always Freddie Mercury's birthday cake. Yeah. It was Freddie Mercury's birthday cake, do you know what I mean? Yeah.

That's right. And I said to him, well, how did you get seven years? He said, well, all adds up, doesn't it? Print the mess. Because there was one time that Keith Allen got arrested and he was like strutting around saying,

oh, I got arrested. And Malcolm came on after him and said, yeah, one night for him. Hey, seven fucking years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's credibility. You know, you don't get young comics getting arrested anymore. It's really disappointing.

You don't, do you not? What should we do? I don't know. We should try and get arrested. Have you never been arrested? Ever? I think everyone should be arrested once. Not don't, do you not? What should we do? I don't know. We should try and get arrested. Have you never been arrested? Ever? I think everyone should be arrested once. Not proper arrest, no.

Yeah. No, I've never been arrested. I'll give you a little tip if you ever are. Say to the arresting officer, it's a fair cop gov, I've been done up like a kipper, banged to rights and no mistake. And then when he has to read it out and call.

It sounds like he's made it up. I haven't been arrested. My dad was a copper and that was the only thing he's made it up. I haven't been arrested. Normally I would say my dad was a copper and that was the only thing I was really worried about that arrest. I really didn't want

to upset my dad. Really, really. There's a lot of policemen in my family as well. I wonder whether I just steer clear of all that sort of thing. Well often the copper's sons

are the worst of all of course. Yeah but it wasn't my dad wasn't a copper so it was a lot of the male members of my mum's side of the family are all policemen.

Yeah. Whether I've got a healthy respect for the law. Well, I do too, in a way, you know. Especially, I mean, less so when I was in my twenties, because, you know, it was the miners' strike and, you know, all that. The police was sort of being wheeled out to smash working people and union members. So around then, I was sort of anti-policing. But, you know, in the end, they're mostly quiet. That was the idea, wasn't it, at the time? Yeah, that was the idea. To make people that way sort of anti-policing. But in the end... That was the idea, wasn't it?

To make people that way and to make them hate each other. I'm apparently somewhere in my lineage who was the creator of the police. Not Sting. Robert Peel. Robert Peel and Sting. Really your own ancestor of Robert Peel.

Apparently so. Genuinely. Well, my Nana said it. My Nana said a lot of things. Peel and Sting and Sting really your own ancestor of Robert Peel apparently so genuinely well my nana said it but my nana said a lot of things like she would say that someone

was my cousin and they weren't you know like that lad who is playing really well for saints is your cousin in your nana's

mind so that everyone related to her I don't know my nana said that I was a direct descendant and she was direct descendant of Robert Peel. My Grandad said it as well, in fairness.

Apparently it was a thing. We're all related to each other, really, aren't we? We're all from Adam and Eve, aren't we? We're all from the same rock pool in Africa. Yeah, that's where we're all from. Pickle can gamble, pickle can gamble. Where do you envisage it going, Arthur? What?

Life. Well, no. Dementia oria death I suppose. He says as he chews his tenth love heart. How's your diabetes working out there mate? Mmm, delicious. I'll just inject a bit more, I'll be fine. What with low blood sugar really? We would know, Ed and I, what low blood sugar's like. I know what it's like. I get that. I get that as a thing. Yeah, but not like proper low blood sugar like a diabetic can get.

It's unpleasant. I'm just undone. Well, at a certain point, just before it gets unpleasant, I find it quite nice, don't you? It's a little high, and then it feels, surprisingly, for a low, and then it's a bit shaky and sweaty. Yeah, but then you really enjoy like an ice cream or something. That's when you're allowed to have your sweets then?

Yeah, well, I'm allowed to have sweets whenever if I just give a little injection. But no, it's not a pleasant thing. You don't do the injections, are you? Yeah, I do. I thought you were a different one. We are, but you can't be type 2 and have to do injections as well. Because you must have got it quite young then, didn't you? Yeah, when I was 13.

I was rather surprised about it. Who was it? Theresa May, been diagnosed. She's diagnosed now, yeah. With type 1? Yeah, with type 1 yeah with type 1 in her 50s or something yeah it's bizarre

I can have a late late oh is that why that's the next story yeah yeah I got quite angry when I saw it then why

no it wasn't it was May who was turned it into oh you know she's got as though somehow having diabetes would stop you

being Home Secretary right right because it needn't do at all although neither of us have made Home Secretary yet no and that might be it that might be why because That might be why.

Because we're diabetic. Yeah. I've stupidly put that on my CV when I said that. When you applied for the job as Home Secretary. Yeah, exactly,

yeah. Has a career in politics ever appeared to you? No, no, you've got to be too, sort of, you know,

you've got to be too, you know, you can be a bit more of an outsider. I feel slightly an outsider. Yeah, yeah. A little bit. And I think if you've got to be a politician,

you've got to play a whole game. I've got friends who are MPs and things and, you know, they have to toe a kind of line. But do you not think the time is ripe now for them to stop it? For someone to literally get on there and get on there on politics. Yeah, and carefully end up with Nigel Soddy Farage or something, you know, with that kind of...

I mean, in a sense, you have to have a certain unity and policies that everyone, even if they don't agree with, you know... I can see you running for Mayor of London. I just think... Yeah, I could be Mayor of sense, you have to have a certain unity and policies that everyone, even if you don't agree with, you know... I can see you running for Mayor of London. I just think... I could be Mayor of London, it's true. You actually could. Yeah.

Yeah, probably. I mean, you know, they always go for something a bit wacky, don't they? Yeah, yeah. And frankly, I mean, Boris is quite amusing, but I reckon I could do a better 20 than him. He'd take Snickers and ruin the joke. Yeah. he'd say Snickers and ruin the joke yeah

Peacock and Gamble Peacock and Gamble so what are you doing up in the French this year I'm doing a show called Arthur Smith sings Leninco in volume 2

yeah and you've done volume 1 already and I originally I originally did I had this whole Arthur Smith sings I started it in

in the 92 because the previous year I'd co-written a play called An Evening with Gay Leninco that was in in the 92 because the previous year i'd co-written a play called an evening we go linica it was running in the west end and still had a you know still going out and something it was like a big yeah it's huge and um so i can recommend it right on the play because you get money without doing anything once you've written it if it goes well yeah so i kind of thought well i'll do edinburgh I'll just do something really silly. And so I did Arthur,

I chose a title just because it seemed like the most rubbish title, Arthur Smith Sings Andy Williams. And, which I did with Tony Hawks. And we charged 50p to get in and offered people their money back plus 50p as they arrived.

Like, I could have afforded that year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many people took you up on that? Did people take you up on that? Occasionally, yeah.

Forks would come on and try and bully people into taking the pound and leave it. And they did occasionally. Although they'd sneak back in sometimes we noticed.

Okay, okay. And generally when I was doing it I thought I was going to just go on and sing Andy Williams on it. Of course it would be

the terrible, miserable. But in the end, I got really interested in this Dadaist character called Arthur Craven, who had led this most extraordinary life, kind of part artist, part cabaret act, part mythomaniac. And he's like a footnote in the history of Dada. And I got a bit obsessed with him anyway. I ended up doing a lecture about him,

punctuated by Andy Williams' songs, which of course in itself is a kind of Dadaist act. And oddly, it just completely flew. Everyone completely loved it, partly because I only played 50 feet. So I thought, well, I'll do another Arthur Smith sings. I thought, Arthur Smith sings Leonard Cohen. I thought, well, that has got to be the worst title.

That's just going to promise the grimmest evening of entertainment imaginable. But again, it went quite well. I quite enjoyed singing. It's a good excuse to sing. I don't get to sing much. I mean, I was in a band years ago. So I used to quite like, you know,

secretly every comedian slightly wants to be a rock star, just like every politician wants to be a comedian. Yeah. So I did it and actually ended up quite successful again. And I ended up doing it in Montreal. every comedian slightly wants to be a rock star, just like every politician wants to be a comedian. So I did it and that ended up quite successful again. And I ended up doing it in Montreal. And, you know, so I don't know. I just thought I wanted to, I was toying with ideas for doing shows.

And I thought, well, fuck it. I enjoyed that. I'll do it again. I'll have to sing Sleuthing Coat. So I'm doing a new version of different songs and different sort of subject. That one was all about boredom and addiction. And it was not long before I was ended up in intensive care. Yeah.

And so this one's more about dementia and death, really. Okay. Let's not hope that preempts anything. Well, it will preempt something. You know, I'm going to die. I know, Arthur. Well, you are. No, I know going to die I know Arthur well you are no I know

I know but actually I don't think it is that'd be weird it'd be weird wouldn't it if I was the

first person to not die well all the models we have of immortality it'd be fucking awful you'd find it

dreadfully terrible there was a rather brilliant there's a book a history of the world in nine and a half chapters

Julian Barnes book where the last chapter nine and a half chapters, I think, a Julian Barnes book, where the last chapter, it describes a man, he wakes up and he doesn't quite know where he is, but someone gives him a cup of tea and it's just like the best cup of tea he's ever had. And it's like out of this brilliant cup that he'd always vaguely loved. And then, and slowly you get to learn

that he's in a kind of materialist heaven. That is to say, he can eat anything he wants, he can just to say he can eat anything he wants he can go out and he can go to the city he can sleep with marilyn monroe he can meet hitler he can do anything you'd want to you know not that i'm sitting here i mean you know he could meet he had this possibility and and they and they and it's obviously a kind of materialist heaven and then eventually you know after using scores of heaven. And then eventually, you know, after he scores a hat-trick in the cup final, and then he eventually plays a game of golf one day. And of course, he goes round in a hole-in-one every time.

At which point he thinks, well, that's golf then, really. I've done that. There's no... What's the point of playing golf if you get a hole-in-one every time? Yeah, yeah. And eventually he learns that you can choose, finally, to actually to die.

Yeah. And he says the ones that live longest are the religious ones who just sing and pray all day. And even they, after six or seven hundred years, choose to disappear. Yeah.

Immortality would be fucking furious. Terrible. Yeah, it's a good look with that. And me and Arthur are both going to die and you're going to have to go now. Plus, immortality is different to eternal youth, isn't it? Yeah.

You just have bits dropping off. Well, I mean, if you plus immortality is different to eternal youth isn't it just have bits drop off I mean if you like let's call it eternal youth it could be equally rubbish

there's twilight zones like that there's a man who had eternal youth that's one of them there's another

one where the man what happens in the end of that he chooses to die that's what

happens well who knows well mind you Noah was 900 wasn't he? No. I thought he was.

He was. He was really old, Noah. No, no, no. He was 900. Why are you saying that? Because nobody has ever lived to 900 years old. Yeah, but in the story,

Noah is really old. In the story that people believe, all over America particularly. I was just saying now. Yeah. He wasn't. Yeah, but there's no way you're getting two of every animal

on a ship, is there, either? Agreed. Agreed. That would be a animal on a ship, is there, either? Agreed. Agreed. That would be a hell of a ship, wouldn't it? It would be massive. It'd be an ark.

It'd be almost an ark. It'd be an ark, mate. It'd be a ship, mate. It'd be a fucking ark, mate. Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be amazing. God, somebody should get that down. Well, look, neither of you seem to want the cherries. No, you have the cherry, mate.

It's been a genuine pleasure speaking to you. It really has. And I've said to you before, I can never get away from with you, you being the milkman. It's been a genuine pleasure speaking to you it really has and I've said to you before I can never get away from with you you being the milkman in

Filthy Rich and Cat Flop. That's all I ever see when I see you a cleaver embedded into your head. That's right with the old toffee

glass. People don't use them anymore. Toffee glass is where you can look like a bottle and you can just smash it over

something. They use them sometimes. We acquired one that we were going to make a video with where I was going just smash it over something they use them sometimes we had one we acquired one that we were going to make a video with where I was going to smash it over Ed's head

and we only had one we had one take we could do it in one take I think they're quite pricey aren't they oh yes they are and I did it as I pulled it back

it just smashed behind me and it's all on video it's online it's online it's online that's why you need to do it properly. Arthur, my abiding memory of you will always

be, you probably don't remember this, but I did five minutes during your show. Ed's been waiting to reveal this to you. At the Durham Gala Theatre in 2006 I want to say. I did a character called Romantic Novelist

Selsdon Krupp. And I got a sudden flashback to that when you were rifling through your pocket. Because what happened was Arthur used to have an in-quote support act,

which was basically at the beginning of the second half so Arthur could have a little break. Yeah, so about 20 minutes into I could have a fight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went through it at the beginning. You went, okay, what's your name? I went going to have a faint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went through it at the beginning. You went, okay, what's your name? I went, Ed Gamble. You went, right, okay. You wrote that down on a sheet of paper. You said, what's the character name when romantic novelist sells them crap? And then you wrote that down on a sheet of paper.

You went, right, I've got that. Then you screwed the piece of paper up and put it in your pocket, which was full of screwed up bits of paper. So you said you said oh we're going to bring a young lad on now we're going to do some stuff for you for a bit

they had no idea this was happening and please welcome to the stage for about three or four minutes then you came off off the stage and went

sorry what was the name oh dear I went I'm reminding myself I was the name of it? Oh dear. Romantic Novelist, Elston Krupp. You went, right, okay. You announced it, I went on,

they were lovely, a lovely audience, you appeared at the side of the stage ready to come back on. We crossed, you went, well done. You went to the microphone, you went,

Romantic Novelist, Elston Krupp there. I was like, he's nailed it. And you went, real name, Jed Chambers. Jed Chambers. Jed Chambers. Jed Chambers.

And for the rest of the night after we had a drink afterwards you were calling me Jed. I didn't have the heart to correct you. Well Jed, I apologise. I just see you more as a Jed.

Yeah, that's fair enough. I feel like more of a Jed. Peacock and Gamble. Peacock and Gamble. That was Arthur Smith. Shh. Sorry. He's so...

Why are you being louder no your voice is going I think it's because I think that one day if I just do it it'll just come back to normal

no that's it'll be the opposite mate it'll go forever and this runs going well I'm enjoying our shows Peacock and Gamble Heartthrobs 945

at the Pleasance Courtyard and I don't want it ruined by you not having a voice because you know I'm confident in my own abilities but I don't think the show would work without you no I'm important yeah you own abilities but I don't think the show would work without you no

I'm important yeah you're very important in it especially now we've got late shows Fridays and Saturdays at four past midnight tonight tomorrow

yeah ridiculous yeah so come to them do come to them come if you want thank you very much for listening that was Arthur Smith

tomorrow's guest is Saturday Saturday the Saturdays are coming on tomorrow's day is Saturday so there's no podcast tomorrow so the Saturdays are coming on. Tomorrow's day is Saturday, so there's no podcast tomorrow. So the Saturdays will be on the podcast tomorrow. My favourite's Frankie.

I'm sure you're... Sunday. Sunday, bloody Sunday. You two are going to be here on Sunday. We'll be back on Monday. We'll be back on the happy Mondays next week. I'm going to toss a coin. It's either going to be Gary Delaney or the type of this.

Not decided yet. Happy Mondays. Bez from the happy Mondays. Have a nice weekend. Come and see us if you want. I the type of this. Not decided yet. Happy Mondays. Bears from the happy Monday. Have a nice weekend. Come and see us if you want. I love you so much. Me? No.

Who then? The listener. Why is it never me? And you. Hello. The Peacock and Gamble Edinburgh podcast is a ready production. What is it? Ready production.

Hosted by Chortle.co.uk Today's guest was me and my show is the one with me in it. All music by Thomas Funderay. See you tomorrow, man.