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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Hello.
Hello, are you alright?
Yeah, welcome to the Gamble and Peacock podcast.
Now you see straight away, now what you've done is you've said Gamble and Peacock.
Yeah, that's who's in it, Ed Gamble, Ray Peacock.
Yeah.
The Gamble and Peacock podcast, it runs nicely. Well I'm Ray Peacock and I think Peacock and Gamble and Peacock. Yep, that's who's in it. Ed Gamble, Ray Peacock. Yeah. The Gamble and Peacock, it runs nicely.
Well, I'm Ray Peacock, and I think Peacock and Gamble was better.
Oh, yeah, what, you want to do the backwards alphabet, do you?
What, why's it got that?
G and P.
Who put it into alphabetical?
God.
Why did God decide everything was alphabetical?
God decided that G comes before P.
God didn't invent the alphabet.
Of course he did.
That's absolutely nonsense.
Who else invented the alphabet?
Oh, sorry, who wrote the Bible, which was the first book? Who wrote, who did? God. No, he didn't. Of course he
did. God didn't write the Bible. It's his autobiography. It's not. Of course it is.
It's a Peacock and Gamble podcast. Everyone knows that. That comes right out of the tongue.
Hello, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. I'm Ray Peacock. Hello, I'm here with Ed Gamble.
How are you, Ed? No, I've changed my name to Ed Zamble now. Why?
Well, so it's easy, it's alphabetical.
No, but it's not. None of this is done alphabetically, though.
Oh, it is.
No, it's not.
Oh, I tell you now, it's not.
Oh, it is.
Oh, blimey.
Well, anyway, welcome to the show.
First one, the first Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Yeah, you're probably sat at home now, if you've heard us before,
on one of our previous podcasts, probably thinking, cool, I've listened to that. If you've not heard us before, then you you probably sat at home now if you've heard us before on one of our previous podcasts probably thinking cool have a listen to that if you've not heard us before then you probably sat thinking right what if i pressed right all right all right no i don't
know stop it wait i don't know what i've pressed here and no i can't i'll do vera how do you turn
the speakers off how do you turn the speakers off on How do you turn the speakers off on this? There's a thing playing on it. I think we've got a virus.
But either way, you're very welcome.
Not either way, you're very welcome.
No, first one.
The first one's a welcome.
The second one, she can fuck off, mate.
Just throw your computer in the sea if you want.
Yeah, why don't you go and throw your computer in the sea
and tie it to a rope and put it around your ankle
and then you'd be pulled in after it.
And then you would have to live under the water
unless...
If you can breathe under there, and if you can't, then you would have to live under the water unless if you if you can breathe under there and if you
can't then you will have to live under the water die under it yeah unless you're daryl anna off
splash if you are daryl anna off splash then then you are allowed to live under the sea all right
i will say that much i will agree to that right and it's first show i will agree to if you are
i will agree if you are daryl and I are off Splash,
right, then it's alright
for you to listen to this under the sea.
Right?
But if you're not Daryl and I are off Splash,
and you've not listened to us on any other things we've done
before, then they're the ones
that I want to drown in the sea
with the computer in there
as well.
And don't even tell any of your relatives so nobody
even realises you're missing for about a week. And then they have to look for you for ages
and probably never find you like that bloke out of the Manic Street Preachers.
That's brilliant.
It's a good intro, isn't it?
Yeah, it's fantastic.
I've got sweaty legs.
Have you?
Yeah. It's really hot today, isn't it?
My legs are alright.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm boiling, man.
I'm sat in a window.
You've got quite little legs, though.
I think it's all compacted up,
so it must be denser and warmer.
No, because I've got a sweaty forehead and all.
Same with your face.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
That'd be good.
That'd be a unique podcast, wouldn't it?
I can't believe it.
We should get to number one
if someone has a heart attack.
That'd be terrible, though, wouldn't it?
I'll tell you what, right?
Seriously, though, listener, please get it number one.
Can you tell all your friends on it?
Yeah.
Tell all your friends about it and say,
have a listen to it and please get it number one.
I know that this is still technically the first section
and we've not really earned it yet.
Well, no, we'll get it number one.
Get it number one.
Tell your friends about how funny it all is so far.
Stop listening to it now, right?
Stop listening to it for a minute
and then go ring all your friends up
and say,
quick, get on iTunes,
quick, there's a new
podcast on it.
Fuck, fuck,
did you swear in on it?
Say that.
It's controversial in there.
And a man has an
art attack on it.
There's a man having
an art attack on it now
but they're only getting
it if they listen to it now
because it will get
taken down by my family.
Well, there we go.
We've got a big coat
from the cinema.
Yeah, we went to
the cinema, didn't we?
Yep, went to watch
a brilliant film. It wasn't brilliant, was it? It was sad, wasn't it? Yeah. That it wasn't go. We've got a big coat from the cinema. Yeah, we went to the cinema, didn't we? Yep. Went to watch a brilliant film.
It wasn't brilliant, was it?
It was sad, wasn't it?
Yeah.
That it wasn't good.
We were really looking forward to it.
Yeah, it was called, um...
What?
Come and live in hell for a minute!
No, it was, um...
Yeah, it was.
Hey, I'm an old woman with a gummy eye.
Get hold of your ankle and pull you through the floor.
No, it dragged me to hell, wasn't it?
Dragged me to hell.
Sam Raimi's latest attempt at a film.
Awful.
Yeah, and now he's ruined Spider-Man.
He wants to ruin his own legacy.
Although it's had brilliant reviews.
Yeah, weirdly good reviews.
Yeah.
I came up to meet him on Sunday.
I'm glad I did.
Sam Raimi?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you went to London, didn't you?
Yeah, I went all the way to London.
Yeah, hang on, without me?
Yeah, that's true.
Right, and don't get us wrong, right?
We're not lovers.
No.
Don't think we're lovers or anything like that.
We're those sorts of friends
who people might go,
are you?
I think we are, yeah, definitely.
I think people see us and go,
are they?
Do you think they?
No kissing at all, hardly.
No kissing, I wouldn't say.
Hardly any bombing.
Hardly any bombing, isn't it?
So, I mean,
I wouldn't say we're in,
if we're in anything,
we're in an open relationship.
But no,
I went to London without you.
Yeah, to meet Sam Raimi.
To meet Sam Raimi to meet Sam Raimi
and Justin Long
and Alison Loman
okay that's quite good
there's
that's the girl from the film
at the very end
she was quite wet
and you saw a buster
buster ends
yeah
nipples
the things on the ends
of the busters
that stick up in the cold
yeah nipples
yeah damn yeah damn
to see them sticking out
through a jumper
you could though
I know yeah
it was all that was keeping me involved, actually watching it.
Because it was horrible anyway, there were people
kept talking in the film and I didn't like that.
They shouldn't let children into it, it's 15.
And there's all children all talking and that, but luckily
I dealt with that in an appropriate manner and very
calmly I got up and went and spoke to a member
of the staff and I said, look, we're trying
to watch a film and can you tell these youngsters
to be a bit quiet please thank you
and then the woman
came in and she went
hey come on be quiet
and they went
oh yeah sorry madam
and then they were
all quiet
so luckily that
happened
well I'll give a
quick translation
from Ray language
into normal language
what you actually did
was spin around
in your seat
and shout
are you fucking
retarded
shut up
which you wouldn't have thought would have worked.
And it did. I know, in my head I thought
they were going to kick off. I was getting
ready to go, right, I'll slap you down.
I think they might have been retarded.
Perhaps were real ones.
What is the
etiquette there?
I think the etiquette generally is
don't call anyone a retard.
Unless you definitely know that they are one.
Yeah.
And then you'd be all right because they won't be able to translate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unless you can see that they are one, then call them what you like, mate.
Yeah, right.
And do whatever you want to.
If you can see that they are oblivious to everything around them,
then you can do what you want.
I mean, that's probably how a lot of these care homes end up having rapes in them
because they don't
check to see if they
can tell anyone
about it after
yeah
so anyway
you did that
what was Sam Raimi
like anyway
well I queued up
for about an hour
hour and a half
yeah
got to the front
of the queue
tell you what
that is early
in a podcast
to be talking about
disabled rap
that is early on yeah it to be talking about disabled rap.
That is early on.
Yeah, it's very early.
You've got to ring your friends up now and say, listen to this, it's on iTunes, you won't believe what they're talking about.
Well, I got to the front of the queue after queuing for an hour, hour and a half.
Where was this at?
Forbidden Planet.
In London.
In London.
Queued for ages.
Got to the front of the queue, woman standing there.
She went, sorry guys.
Shot a door in my face.
That's horrible.
That's horrible, isn't it?
Why could they not have just gone to like halfway down the queue and gone right from this is a cut off point? They should have done. Yeah. standing there. She went, sorry guys, shut the door in my face. That's horrible. That's horrible, isn't it?
Why could they not have just gone to like
halfway down the queue
and gone right from
this is a cut off point?
They should have done.
Yeah.
And I was really excited.
We went into Forbidden Planet
and tried to get the things
and oh,
where can we get them?
The bloke who worked there
was fucking brilliant.
Okay.
He was the,
what you'd imagine
someone who works
in a geeky shop to be like.
He was the perfect stereotype.
Right.
Well,
excuse me,
where do we get the stuff
for the Sam Raimi thing?
No, you've got to get your poster.
You've got to get your poster,
go through the signing. You've got to go out of the building,
turn right, turn right, turn left, and get your
poster, £10, go through the back of the
signing. So you were working there as well?
So it wasn't just, you weren't just queuing, you were,
I'm surprised you didn't meet him very early on in the day
when he first arrived. Yeah. I queued up for ages for a signing once, for Slipk queuing, you weren't, I'm surprised you didn't meet him very early on in the day, when he first arrived.
Yeah.
I queued up for ages for a signing once, for Slipknot.
Slipknot, eh?
Yeah.
Well, you always have been into your melodies, haven't you?
They came out the door, right, and I ran up and tried to hug one of the singers.
Tried to what?
Hug one of the singers.
Hug?
Hug.
Oh, hug?
I don't know what that meant.
You may just sort of talk to him for two, love.
Yeah, for a while.
Oi, get off him, you're hugging him.
Hey, did you see the end of Two Packs of Lager and a Packet of Cris, right?
The other thing where you could ring up and decide the ending of it.
Wow.
Yeah, pretty good, eh?
Yeah.
The numbers came on the screen and it's like,
right, you decide how it ends and I looked and looked
and I couldn't find
quicker anywhere.
I couldn't find immediately.
I couldn't find violently.
I couldn't find
with a full and frank apology
for what has preceded it.
It's probably people now listening
and they're going,
even people who are familiar with us,
and they're going,
why?
What are you doing this for?
There doesn't seem to be any point to it.
It's just you talking.
That's arrogant.
Thinking that we care about your lives.
So, let's say the reason
that we're actually doing the podcast at the moment
is because we are writing a thing.
Yeah, tell him, mate.
Yeah, we're writing this thing at the moment, this comedy drama.
So, the reasons are twofold.
One is to get us going.
Yeah.
Yeah, so what we will do, we'll record this,
and then we'll do some work.
Yeah.
And do some writing.
But no, it's getting us in a well funny mood.
It will, it will eventually.
It will in a bit
and the other thing
the other reason
is actually it's threefold
the other reason
we're doing it
is because
we've been advised
to maintain a presence
so that people know
a few people at least
will know who we are
yeah
so when we are playing
the leads
in our programme
well we've rather cleverly cast famous
people in other parts
yeah so to take the attention away
we just don't mention that we are the leads in it
we go oh no look
so and so is playing that part now
famous aren't they
they can be on the front of the radio times
and they go yeah but who's playing these two lads
look at you we've
got this girl playing that look i mean i think this might be the only television project where
the lead roles have been kept a secret even when it's on
and we've rather cleverly called our characters ray and ed yeah and we have said in the script
they are fat it is important to the
programme. So we are perfect for it
in a way. Yeah, so that is the other reason we're doing it.
It's to maintain a presence. And the
third thing I thought we could get from this is I think
we should try and get free stuff. Because I
had a complaint. I've got a complaint in with McDonald's at the
moment. Because I went to
McDonald's in the middle of the night. They're not open long enough.
They're not open long enough and they won't give me stuff
for free. Which was essentially my complaint. Yeah. Because I went there the other night, in the middle of the night, They're not open long enough. Yeah, they're not open long enough and they won't give me stuff for free. Which was essentially my complaint.
Yeah.
Because I went there the other night,
in the middle of the night,
on my way home from a gig
and there was a gang of lads
in a people carrier in front of us
in the drive-thru
and they just held,
I mean,
waited there for like 25 minutes.
Really?
Yeah.
What were they doing?
And then got just fucking about.
They were pissing in the trees
and they were on the phones and that.
Leaning on the car.
That sort of shit.
Anyway,
it took 25 minutes
and a bloke had come out
with a little digipack thing
and they took
you know the order for it
yeah
but then when we got to the window
to pay for it
there was no one there
right
so the bloke with the little
portable thing went
just mate
just go to the final window
just get it
it's fine
went to the final window
and really accusatory went
have you paid
well I've tried
was it a different bloke
or was it the same bloke
with a moustache drawn on it no it was a McDonald's at at london coney i'll say it now just i'm 25
because he's not replied to my complaints and then i said i've tried to i said i've been waiting
for 25 minutes and he went no you've not right which is i'd say the absolute last thing you want
to hear when you have when you have been waiting for 25 minutes it's the absolute last thing you
want to hear so anyway he went well you gotta pay for it and i went i've no interest i it. And I went, I've no interest. I said, I don't even want it anymore.
It was only a big Mac.
I went,
I don't even want it anymore.
I'm just furious.
And I went,
and another thing,
because I was sort of
scrabbling for things
to say then,
and I went,
and another thing,
your car park
is a disgrace.
And drove off
and I felt so middle class.
And to be honest with you,
I wouldn't eat from here anyway,
because the litter
surrounding your
restaurant
as you call it
is quite frankly
diabolical
but I thought
what we could do
is every week
we've not done it yet
by the way I should say
every week
we'll write a letter
it's not the same thing
it's different actually
before you start saying that
we'll write a letter
to try and get some free stuff
alright cool because didn't you do that at university I did it when I was quite bored at uni okay well I'm quite bored Before you start saying that, we'll write a letter to try and get some free stuff. All right, cool.
Because didn't you do that at university?
I did it when I was quite bored at uni.
Okay, well, I'm quite bored at home now.
My housemate used to write letters to people to get free stuff.
Did you get anything there?
Yeah.
You did.
You got, what was it?
Cadbury's animal biscuits.
Yeah.
Because we wrote a letter.
Because boxes of Cadbury's animal biscuits have masks on the back that you can cut out.
I think they're for kids, really.
Oh, right.
Like animal masks that you can cut out
and wear them as little cardboard eye masks.
But me and my housemate cut out a mask
and put it in an envelope and sent a letter saying
that the mask was very, very small.
And that our son, we said we were a married couple,
that our son Fraser
had an abnormally large face.
And he really wanted a mask.
And he was quite self-conscious
about his big face.
So whenever he put it on,
he would get bullied
because it just made his face look bigger.
And at the bottom we put,
P.S. We're also having
a similar problem
with Fraser's friend,
Pinhead.
And they sent us,
I think,
three free bags
of animal biscuits.
Cool.
Yeah.
Cool.
Would they have even
taken it seriously, though?
No, I think,
to be honest,
with most of these places,
if you write a funny letter,
customer service people
get so bored
with, like,
inane rambling.
They send it to you
for thanking for your entertainment. Yeah, they have a laugh, go whack a couple
of bags in there. That's perhaps where I went wrong with my McDonald's email. Yeah, it was
a bit too serious. Yeah, and I don't think when you write an official letter you're meant
to say cunt. Do you know what I worked hard the other day? Maths. It was a bit, actually
it was a bit of maths.
Right.
But I'll tell you what it means, right.
How old are you?
23.
Right, I'm 35, right.
Right.
I was 13 when I lost my virginity.
So you...
I could be your dad.
That would be weird, wouldn't it?
That is weird though, isn't it?
Yeah.
Because I do sometimes think that I'm the same age as you.
Yeah.
Or you're the same age as me.
Yeah.
I don't have an age in mind.
We are both 12.
Yeah.
Yeah, seven.
I think it's seven actually. So I think that i would be considered a bad influence on you yeah so i can do what i want
and blame it on you not really because i think a lot of things that you do get me in bother yeah
like here wait to hear this and this is a recent one let's talk about this me ray peacock and my
friend ed gumbel hello are officially barred from the London Dungeon.
As of two weeks ago.
From the London...
No, you see, you go,
well, you can get barred from a pub
if you're misbehaving.
Yeah, fair play.
Get a bit too drunk,
get a bit leery,
maybe smash a glass or something.
Understand that, get barred.
Get barred from a restaurant
or refuse to pay.
Oh, you're bothering the other passengers.
Right?
If it was one of those restaurants that go round and round at the top of a building.
But are they technically passengers?
Yeah, they are still passengers.
If someone's in a rotating restaurant, they count as a passenger.
No, wait, mate, you laughed right, but I was saying the right word.
Because I was thinking of a restaurant going round and round at the top of a building.
You could have just said a restaurant on a train. No, I wasn't thinking about that one. I was thinking about a restaurant at was thinking of a restaurant going round and round. You could have just said a restaurant on a train.
No, I wasn't thinking about that one.
I was thinking about a restaurant at the top of a building going round and round.
So there's passages.
In Japan.
That's what I was thinking about.
So yeah, I understand.
Get a bar from there.
Right, get a barred off the bus.
Yeah.
You get your nub out on the bus and start bothering all the other animals that are on the bus.
And that is right because there's humans on buses and a human is
an animal so that is right i'm still saying the right word right you get barred out of a taxi
right yeah because i have too much beer done a sick in it yeah and and you and all the other
computers get thrown out and that is still right because the human brain is a computer technically so I have said the right word
but it takes some doing
yeah
to get barred
from the London dungeon
because they're
they're used to pricks
yeah
I would imagine
that the prick content
in the London dungeon
amongst the patrons
yeah
is pretty hard
there's a magnitude
of prick passes
through that building
I would imagine right
there is very
I mean concentrated prickage.
It's going on in the London Dungeon day in, day out.
Because it puts you in that frame of mind.
Because it has actors in it, and I say that in the kindest way.
It was like playing parts in it, and they're showing you around.
So it makes you into a bit of a prick, as you say.
So it's not unusual.
But to reach the height of prickery.
To the point where they go,
no, hang on.
Right, thank you for your patronage.
Thank you for your £22 each.
Appreciate you coming,
but you are not welcome here again.
Never come here again.
Yeah, as if we were biting at the fucking bit to come back anyway.
I think to actually bar someone
from the London Dungeon.
It's impressive, isn't it?
It's pretty impressive, mate.
So well done, mate.
Thank you.
I knew well done to you.
Because I think you contributed a lot and all.
Yeah.
We got in bother. I mean, we were warned very early on. In the first impressive, mate. So well done, mate. Thank you. I knew well done to you because I think you contributed a lot and all. Yeah. We got in bother.
I mean, we were warned
very early on.
In the first bit, really,
weren't we?
In the first section.
No, see, was that the first bit
or was the first bit the cue?
Right, okay, yeah.
Because you cue for a bit
for 40 minutes or so
and then, see,
they do a very clever thing there
where they go,
let's be heavy on cueage.
Right?
Let's put them in a cue outside.
Put the pricked in the cueage.
Yeah, put the pricked in the queuage outside, right?
Get them inside,
bang them in another queue.
Straight away, right?
Put a queue in the dark.
In the dark this time, right?
Scary queue.
Queue up, pay your money.
Ask the bloke who's taking the money,
is Freddy in this or not?
Even though he's not answering,
keep asking him as much as you can.
Is Freddy in it?
Is Freddy in it?
Ask if Freddy is in it.
Ask if Freddy is in it.
He's not.
I don't want to ruin it for you,
but he's not in it. And then after you've done that queue for pay, then you go in another queue for Freddy in it? Ask if Freddy is in it. Ask if Freddy is in it. He's not. I don't want to ruin it for you, but he's not in it.
And then after you've done that queue for pay,
then you go in another queue
for wait for it to start.
So we queued for about an hour and a half.
Yeah.
Now, fine,
I understand there are a lot of people in there.
It was Bank Holiday Monday as well.
But I could stand in the dark at home.
Yeah, but...
For free.
But you'd stand in a room in the dark
that you knew where everything was.
So if you're in a room,
an unknown room in the dark where you don't know was. So if you're in a room, an unknown room in the dark,
where you don't know where the wall is, that is scarier, mate.
Well, it is a bit scarier.
Yeah.
Not 22 quid scary.
And then we got to talk into a little room with a lady who was,
and this is amazing, actually, because it's London, London, right?
And we went in 2009.
This woman, right?
Only from the bloody 16th century.
You can't believe it.
She's in great pains to tell us as well.
I think she's stuck there.
She keeps saying,
I'm from the 16th century.
I mean,
and I don't know where she got her glasses from.
Because I'm not sure that they were even around
in the 16th century.
Oh, but I've had a visit from a traveller from the future.
I'm from the 16th century.
Go in that room.
Who gave me some gelasses.
God, a newfangled invention.
I kept trying to show her my phone.
Yeah, I know.
And that was when we got...
I thought, oh, this will shit a writer.
Have you seen this snake?
That was when we got our first warning.
Yeah.
Which was just, I would consider it an informal warning.
Yeah.
Where she went, behave, you two. Just in passing. Yeah. Then was just, I would consider it an informal warning. Yeah. Where she went,
behave you two.
Just in passing.
Yeah.
Then we went into the torture room
where they got a girl
out of our audience,
right,
and I'm not kidding,
she was well sexy
and had nice boosters.
Yeah, lovely mate.
Right,
and they sat her down
in the chair
and then this audio thing
going over the top
going,
ooh, she puts her hand
in the thumbscrew
and she had to do that.
Yeah.
Ooh, she puts her head
back on the chair
and she had to do that.
And then I thought,
I'm going to join in. And I that. Oh, she puts her head back on the chair, and she had to do that. And then I thought, I'm going to join in.
And I went, oh, she gets her boosters out and shows them to Ray and Ed.
She does kissing on Ray and Ed.
She kisses Ray and Ed in the dark in the next bit.
But it didn't work, it didn't do it.
By the way, I should say, in defence of
the actors in there, they were tip-top professionals.
Yeah, they were really up for it.
I imagine they're straight out of drama school, and they're
tip-top professionals, very, very good. I imagine they're straight out of drama school and they're tip-top professionals.
Very, very good.
I particularly like the one during the court case,
halfway through, where we have this mock court case and he says to this bloke,
So, sir, what do you do?
And the bloke went,
Oh, I don't know.
And he went,
Oh, I don't care.
I'll finish in a minute anyway.
Which, for me, did take some of the magic away
because I thought,
Oh, no, it's just a fucking actor.
Yeah.
Oh, he's not from the 16th century
it's an actor
he can't be arsed
I'm also not sure
why we were on that boat
because halfway through it
London Dungeon
yeah
you go on a boat ride
yeah
why
classic mate innit
look
big moments in London's history right
yeah
Great Fire London
yep
check
Jack the Ripper
check
right
Plague
yep check
yeah
Log Flume
yeah no you're right
sorry
yeah
that's why I've got
mixed up
I forgot about
the great London
log flume
yeah
yeah no you're right
so we went on
log flume
yeah
dead frightening
really frightening
but luckily
I was on hand
to make sure
everything was nice
and fine
and that you made
friends with the man
you were sitting next to
yeah you made me
make friends with
the man from Holland
well that's because
I thought that we should all be friends on it
if we were going to die on the ride like they were threatening.
When I was saying, oh, you might not survive the ride,
I thought we'd better all make friends, then, haven't we?
So you made friends with the man.
Well, yeah, you kept saying,
Ed, introduce yourself to the man.
Yeah, introduce yourself, Edward.
Hello, I am Ed.
Tell him about when you went to university.
You did?
I went to university
and the fat lady
who put us on the ride said,
why don't you go to university?
Everyone was joining him
at this point.
I went, yeah,
for three years.
All the way through.
I went all the way through.
And what's wrong with that?
Yeah, I had both friends
with me on Facebook.
Now we're going out
for a meal soon.
Yeah, it's a frightening environment
and you want to make
bloody friends with people,
don't you?
And the other way,
which I applaud you for,
that you made it far more bearable, that boat ride,
when it was very scary.
It was in the dark and going up dips and that.
And it was proper frightening on the island,
a man with an axe.
So you're all proper frightened, right?
But luckily, you diffused the tension,
because everyone was scared.
Yeah.
And you diffused the tension of that
by singing It's a Small, Small World.
Yeah.
From the Disney ride,
which I think people got angry about
because it did ruin it.
I think even though they were laughing,
and some of them were laughing to the point where they couldn't breathe.
Well, that was you, wasn't it?
Yeah, that was me, yeah.
I've never been so scared during a laugh
because I was really enjoying laughing,
but it got to the point where I went, my lungs are empty.
Yeah.
I felt like my lungs were like crisp bags
that somebody just sucked on.
Right, okay.
And they were just flat.
Or one of them, like a cat pre-sun.
Yeah, exactly like that.
But I was still trying to cough it out,
but there was nothing left to cough out.
Yeah, you did.
My lungs collapsed.
You looked a bit pale after it.
I was really frightened,
but I did enjoy the laughing from Smalls Ball World.
Anyway, what we got barred for was I punched an actor.
There was a rumour about a teacher at my school, right?
Yeah.
Because his name was Mr, let's say, Jones.
And his catchphrase
when people were talking was
so he said to you, he'd go,
Peacock, there's a monkey on your shoulder.
Tell it to shut up.
I like that.
Right?
And these three boys recorded a tape,
which they put on a tape player in the study period,
starting very quiet and getting louder and louder and louder,
going, Jones, there's a monkey on your shoulder.
Tell it to shut up.
Getting louder and louder and louder for 20 minutes.
And in the end, apparently, he burst into tears
and ran out of school, right?
Came back a year later, had his tear ducts cut out.
Is that even a real operation?
I don't know.
I like the fact that he might have gone over and done it himself. My birthday coming up.
Yep.
Yep.
The big 4-0.
Is it or not?
Yeah, nearly there, aren't you?
36.
Right.
I'm going to be that.
Hey, that is getting late, isn't it?
It's getting late in the day, isn't it?
That is getting late.
For not having made my mark in my career.
Come on.
No.
You have.
Mate, every time I get
something that's taken
away from me,
I just can't catch a break.
Oh.
Can't catch a break, mate.
I did Jonathan Ross
the other week.
The one upon Jonathan Ross.
Did a two-week run
and met Tom Hanks.
Yeah.
I met, what was that girl?
Miley thing.
Miley Cyrus.
Yeah.
And the Puffs.
Who do the piano.
Do the piano as well, yeah.
Met Jonathan Ross. Yeah. Offered me a lift home. I know, I heard that. I was on the phone to you at the Puffs. Who do the piano. Who do the piano as well, yeah. Met Jonathan Ross.
Yeah.
Offered me a lift home.
I know, I heard that.
I was on the phone to you at the time.
Oh, that's right.
You were, weren't you?
So that proves I'm not even lying about it.
Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
Because me and you were on the mobile telephone
and then he pulled up in his car.
Yeah.
It was a little like,
it was like a toy car.
Really?
Yeah, it was like an old-fashioned racing car
with no roof.
And he asked me,
well, you heard the conversation.
Yeah.
Asked me if I wanted a lift home.
Yeah. I didn't because I had my car with me but I considered taking it. You should the conversation yeah asked me if I wanted to lift him yeah I didn't because
I had my car with me
but I considered
taking it
you should have
done anyway
and then just got
the car the next day
do you think so
you did say that
as he drove off
you probably should
have just taken
that lift
just taken the lift
because if you
probably if you'd
taken that lift
maybe I'd be working
on it still now
yeah
met loose women
well there's downsides
to every job aren't there
dizzy rascal
and I liked him
yeah
I met him and he
was a real nice boy I liked him a lot he I met him and he was a real nice boy.
I liked him a lot.
He was bonkers, wasn't he?
Mate, he was bloody bonkers, that, right?
He was well bonkers, but not in an aggressive way.
So, friendly bonkers?
Yeah, I thought he was proper friendly bonkers,
like a proper nice one on the bus.
Yeah.
I realised that.
Yeah, that's good.
I wouldn't have been surprised if somebody told me he was only 12.
But anyway, they asked about my availability
for another seven or eight of them
and I got all excited
and then
didn't let me do it
now the conversation
about availability
yeah
did they check
see if you were busy
they would have felt
better about it
no
because I wasn't
completely free anyway
because I'm going
on holiday a bit
yeah
on my holiday
week I'm away
on my holidays
so I would have
actually had to
come back early for my holidays to have done it.
And I would have done that as well.
I would have done that as well, actually.
And I thought we got along just fine and all friends all together.
And the crew seemed to like me.
They were certainly putting on a brave face anyway.
When I was doing the warm-up and that.
And then they came back and went, oh, no, Les Dennis is doing it.
Was it Les Dennis or not
no it was someone
to do with Family Fortune
it was whoever took over
Family Fortune
and he's doing it instead
because they want somebody
to just tell jokes
but anyway
the point of the matter is
I just can't catch a break
anyway
can't catch a break
and I think it's because
I'm too fat
I think it's because
I'm too fat
and I think it's because
I'm just not funny enough
and I think it's because I'm just not funny enough.
And I think it's because, and I go for my acting customs and that.
And I get some of them every now and again.
And other ones I don't get.
And I think it's because I can't act.
It's a shame.
That's the business though, isn't it? Yeah.
That's the business.
It's all based on talent.
I think.
It's not who you know.
It's how good you are.
I think the bottom line is, I'm not a very talented man.
I think I have a nice personality every now and again.
Yeah.
I think I have a tendency to be naughty sometimes.
But I think the bottom line is,
is there are other people with better talent than me
and they are getting ahead of me in the queue.
Yeah, well, I've always said this about the comedy industry as a whole.
Yeah.
None of the bad people will get through if you insist on basing it on talent.
Yeah.
How do you expect people like me, and let's be fair, Ed, right,
they aren't very talented, really.
I haven't really got that much going for them, really.
And not even nice to look at.
How do you expect them people to get ahead in the career
that we've just decided we want to do?
I mean, I hear your bullshit about, oh, it's a calling.
It's getting a footnut.
We've just decided we don't want to do anything in the daytime.
Right?
And we want an easy life and just
get away with just doing an hour on stage
at night and getting hundreds of pounds for it.
Right? Now I want to do that.
Sure, I'm not
good enough. Right?
Sure, I ain't got the
talent or the looks or the
ability. Right? I get that.
But how am I supposed to do it
if the people in charge of booking it
are going to go,
no, you can't do it unless you're talented.
It's prejudice.
I know it's prejudice.
It's prejudice against people like me
and let's be fair, Ed as well, right?
Who haven't got that much going for us.
We've got good management by the grace of God
off the back of other
people's talents.
Right?
Me from a sketch group
I was in originally
and you from me.
Right?
So we've got management.
I mean,
we stick out like a sore thumb
on that website.
You know,
there's Ray Peacock
and her gambling
and all that.
I mean,
and I think,
really,
I think there's only one
underneath us
on that website,
really.
I'm not going to say who it is.
But I think, really, on the Avalon website, out of all the clients, you know, the three worst clients,
me and Ed are not the bottom one, but the next two.
It's definitely me and Ed.
Yeah.
Right?
I mean, literally, we've got nothing about us.
What are we supposed to do?
Did people like
Martin Luther King
and Rosa Parks
fight in vain?
Emmeline Pankhurst?
Yeah.
Did they all fight for nothing
that now bad people
can't do a job?
Did people go up
to Emmeline Pankhurst
when she was
sitting on that
railings or whatever
she was doing, right?
And go,
ooh, Emmeline,
you can't, you can't do that, you're not good looking enough. that railings or whatever she was doing, right? And go, ooh, Emmaling.
You can't do that.
You're not good looking enough.
Did people go up to Rosa Parks when she was sitting on that bus and say, no, you can't sit there.
You don't look.
Well, they did, but that's not the point.
Did Martin Luther King's, when he was standing there,
did he go, yeah, I understand it's about a dream,
but have you got a couple of one-liners?
Yeah, yeah, I hear
what you're saying about your dream and that, and I agree
with it. I agree with
what you're saying about a dream. Yeah, sorry, Martin.
Not really enjoying it, mate. I understand
the old dream thing, but could you drop
a few pounds? Yeah, could you?
Mate, Martin, could you not have such a
pudgy face?
And by the way,
you're 36.
What have you got
your hair like that for?
Did they say that to him?
Would Barack Obama
be the president, right?
Yeah.
If he didn't have
his looks
and his one-liners?
If he had just
like long, nice stories.
Yeah.
Tell you what,
Barack Obama, right,
if he just went on
and fucked about
with the audience, right, if he just went on and fucked about with the audience,
right,
would Jonathan Ross's show
go,
oh no,
we don't want you to be in.
Even though you are
Barack Obama,
right,
we don't want you to be in, mate.
Yeah.
Oh, we don't want you
as president.
We want the other one.
We want him to come on
and just do
knock-knock jokes.
So what I'm saying,
that's what I'm saying,
is I just can't seem to get a break.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
the tiger lilies except the last one which is performed by frank sidebottom the peacock and gamble podcast is a big and dark production hosted by chortle.co.uk if you spotted the
mistake in this week's show tell us on our facebook page and you might win a prize see you next week and the thing is there'll be people going oh oh who are you who are you to do that
who are you to slag off two pints of lager and a packet of crisp
oh you're full of yourself aren't you oh what have you ever achieved and to those people i would say
yep fair comment
nothing nothing really