The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 14

Episode Date: April 28, 2019

"Episode 14" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 14 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, it's the Peacock and Gamble pod... what is it again? Podcast! Podcast! Cast! I always forget that bit. I always forget you're casting at the end of it. Tell you what, if you broke your arm you'd be in proper bother, you would. Because you would keep going home from the hospital and by the time you got back in the end of it. Tell you what, if you broke your arm you'd be in proper bother, you would. Because you would keep going from the

hospital and by the time you got back in the taxi, your arm would be all limp at your side and your mum would go, was nothing wrong with it?

And you'd go, yeah, broke it. And they'd go, did you not put it in a cast? And you'd go, yeah, look, oh, I forgot it.

Tell you what, mate, I'd be a rubbish fisherman. You'd be a terrible fisherman. I'd just be a man on a boat with a net. I know.

And you'd be standing there and they'd go, how many fish have you caught? And you'd go, not quite any, I don't know what's wrong with it today in the water. And they'd all go, boat with a net and you'd be standing there they go how many fish have you caught you've gone i'm not quite i don't know what's wrong with it today in the water and they'd all go you gotta throw the

net in there and you're like what do you mean and you gotta cast it in and you gotta go i can't even remember what that is tell you what i'd be rubbish at making a telly program because the screen would just be all blank and everyone would say i thought ed's program was on tonight and and it would just be a picture of a place in norfolk and they go what's happening you've put i have i have done my broad and they'll go what do you mean you're broad and you say that's what it is called that is my norfolk broad on a telly that's what it's called when you put it on telly and they'll go no it's called broadcast and you'll go i don't understand and you'll get sacked off the telly and that will ruin your career oh no yeah so i don't know why you'd even bother being going edinburgh fringe don't be jealous because when you go on the telly is not going to be any good anyway because you will forget to cast on it so i don't

know why you bother going i mean it is good to be back. I admit that. And people at home are going, what do you mean we could be back? You were here a minute ago last week. Well, we weren't. No. We have not seen each other now for about nine weeks. But now we are back together, all nice friends on the big sofa.

Yeah, we're back doing the proper thing that you do now. Yeah. Rather than going off Edinburgh thing. And I'm sure you had a nice time and enjoyed it, but you're not going again. Because I know we're not going through this rigmarole every

year of having to record them all in advance and of you being all away and no podcast for ages and ages and then

I've come back and have to try and get back in the groove again I had a nice time though I don't care

you're not going again I am no doubt it's the end of it right what is what is your best thing is it going out on the fringe or being with my friend ray being with my friend ray

on the sofa with the microphone doing a podcast so then that is the end of it now and that will be what it is from now on with welcome to the show i am going next year so no you're not your band locked up right so let's recap. Best thing to do now is to do a little assessment. Right. About how you got on in Edinburgh. Okay. Yeah, because you know you don't know

because you don't have internet and that stuff when you're up there. So I'm going to tell you all your reviews that you've had. Okay. Here's the first review that you've had. I'm from Peacock Weekly. Ed Gamble is rubbish. And don't know why he keeps coming to Edinburgh. He should stay at home

with his friend Ray. So that's that review. Five stars. That's for the review, though. That means the review is five stars correct. And what does my act get? A carrot.

Sir, that is a proper insult to you, isn't it? Yeah, it is. One from the Edinburgh Festival site said that you are a mini-Ritwalla. Yeah, no, funny mini-Ritwalla. Oh, I do apologise. Yeah, funny mini-Ritwalla. A funny mini-Ritwalla.

Yeah. Well, Ritwalla was quite funny, wasn't he? Yeah, but I am funny. Is he dead, Ritwalla? Probably. That's competition. Can you find out if Ritwalla is dead or not, please? That's a good competition.

Because I'm sure that when he was around, they were saying if you don't lose 100 stone, then you will die in two years. Maybe he just stayed in the house. I'd like it if they had to remove a wall. Yeah, that'd be brilliant, wouldn't it? Zoo Magazine is a nice one. Called you a toddler-faced rib tickler. Yeah.

So that is sort of a compliment, isn't it? As someone pointed out, it's better than rib-faced toddler tickler. Right, here's a review I know you've not seen. From the Stage newspaper. Yeah, I've not seen this one. I told you about this last night. It's quite a long review, know you've not seen from the stage newspaper yeah I've not seen this one I told you about this last night it's quite a long review but I've just took out the bit about you

right okay you know because otherwise I'd be reading loads and loads about you about the other three people that were in your show all the paragraphs and paragraphs and stuff

about them so I've just took your paragraphs out and we'll just tell you a bit about Ed right and so here's the review from the stage

Ed Gamble of the Ray Peacock podcast is slightly more offbeat poking fun at himself and reading out his poetry. So that is... Is that seriously it? So that is a good review.

And how much did they say about the others? I like it that you only got so few words in your review. Yeah. And two of them were my name. Quite a lot about the others in fairness.

Brilliant. But I mean, it wasn't... Did they like the show? Yeah, yeah. The stage don't slag things I've never seen a bad comedy review in the

stage but there might have been one my sentence was the closest to a condemnation you can get in the stage yeah that is the

stage slagging someone off just going anyway Ed came on yeah and our parents always said if you have nothing to say

say nothing at all that's not right that's not the right phrase what if you have nothing to say, say nothing at all. That's not right. So there you go. That's not the right phrase. What? If you have nothing to say, say nothing at all. Yeah, that is the phrase. That is the phrase, mate.

What's wrong with that? If you have nothing to say, say nothing at all. I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, I know. But it's if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Yeah, that is the famous one.

Your parents. My parents. I'm going to write a book of my parents' sayings. So we'll have one of them every week. Yeah, well, I always remember your parents. If you, I'm going to write a book of my parents' sayings. So we'll have one of them every week. Yeah, well,

I always remember your parents, if you're having some cereal, buy some cereal. Yeah, well, don't ruin

next week's one. New section starting next week, Ray's parents' sayings. And then there will be a book about it at the end.

But yeah, the first one is, if you've got nothing to say, say nothing at all. So that is a nice one. So that's you back from Edinburgh then. Yeah, done. So that is your, so that is a nice one so that's you back from Edinburgh then

yeah done so that is your so that was worth thousands of pounds wasn't it that was worth spending thousands of pounds for getting them

three sentences mate Zoo Magazine said I had the ninth best joke on the Edinburgh Fringe yeah have you ever read Zoo Magazine yeah

well let's not take anything they say as gospel let's take everything to do with Zoo Magazine with a pinch of salt and boobs and boobs on it

and out and sometimes two women at the same time push their nipples together so that is worth buying isn't it £1.50 I don't know how much it is

do you want to know what I've been doing or not not really alright Dan what have you been doing get healthy get healthy yeah well the thing is I went to doctors and they said that I've got to lose weight and I've got to get my blood pressure down All right, Dan, what have you been doing? Get healthy. Get healthy?

Yeah. Well, the thing is, I went to the doctors and they said that I've got to lose weight and I've got to get my blood pressure down. But you used to say you had a good blood pressure. That was a good August, wasn't it? You were always going on about your blood pressure being good because you've got a blood pressure machine and you did mine and then did yours. And how surprised was I when we did that? Oh, yeah, you were.

We checked our blood pressure and I was really surprised. Yeah. So I think I must have just done it wrong. I've always had pretty bad blood pressure. Yeah. I think it's because it's somewhat to do with being fat. But anyway, now I am on an healthy kick and eating all the healthy food all the time. Yeah, I know.

And doing a big long walk every day with my iPod on. And be all sweaty when I go in the shower. That's what I am doing. Now the healthy kick. Yeah. I'm sure you're going to argue with me about this. Yeah. But you just had a

flump for breakfast I didn't have it for breakfast I just had it as a little snack well your first meal of the day it is actually isn't it was a flump that's a fair comment no that is a fair comment

I've drunk quite a lot of water as well this morning but no you're right since getting up today because you stayed at my house last night yeah since we got up

I have had a flump that is true and I've not been for a walk either can't we're going to pictures later on have a knock dog

at the pictures no I won't be doing that what no but I've been oh mate I'm not going pictures with you if we're not having our hot dog

we always have and get one hot dog and eat it down like lady and the trump eat it together from each end yeah well I know you wouldn't

because I know that you're not an alpha person and that is one of the unfortunate things about you you're a diabetic that you're not an elf person, and that is one of the unfortunate things about you. You're a diabetic, and you're grossly overweight. And really, you're not doing yourself any favours. So I'm just saying now, I would like you going elf kick as well.

Right, Richard Simmons. Right, no, listen. I come back, right, and you go, oh, I'm on an elf kick, I'm on an elf kick. Yeah. You look the same. Because I've only been on it for a week and a half. And also, if you saw me with no clothes on,

you would see that I don't look the same at all. Because my knob is shrivelling up. So I don't look the same. I'm losing weight off my knob, defo. Well, that is good. Yeah, I know. And you're doing knob weightlifting as well. Mate, and anyway, I had a bad report about you.

Did you? Yeah, I spoke to our manager, right? He rang me up for our annual Edinburgh phone call. Where he phones me one time in four weeks just to touch base. Just to remind me

I'm doing nothing. Right? And he rang me up and he said, oh, I saw Ed this morning. I went, right? He said, I thought he was going to die.

And I was laughing and he went, no, I'm serious. He went, I saw him right he was it looked like pale as a sheet he was soaking wet with sweat and I said have you been the gym and then went no I've just walked up that hill what I said was no I've never been a gym in my life but to be fair I was really hungover right yeah I'd had like four hours sleep and I had to walk up a massive hill yeah and i was sweaty and i'm fat as well yeah and you're a big fat one i mean all those things you were saying as if as if god has put those things in your way well no in my defense i was

hungover i had only had a few hours sleep and i had to walk up a hill if you had done something with your life you would have had money for a taxi and you would have got plenty of sleep and not have to drink beer to feel happy about yourself because you just always sit around and cry because you're too fat and no girls will kiss you. So it's all your fault. Shut up, you look like a stupid meatball.

Whoa. Whoa, this has taken a nasty turn. Whoa. I can't believe you're saying that. No, I meant, can I have a meatball for my tea? No, you can't. No, I've got anything else. I stopped eating red meat.

But don't worry, because I still eat a fish and a chicken. I did a run of gigs of the week at Baby Blue in Liverpool show off yeah I know I got paid for them as well I did Thursday

Friday Saturday on Thursday night one of the acts that was on was Rob Grant oh okay who was for those who don't know

he was one of the writers on Red Dwarf yeah Rob Grant and Doug Naylor on the original Red Dwarf yeah later on Rob Grant and Doug Naylor on the original Red Dwarf. Later on, Rob Grant stopped doing it and Doug Naylor carried on on his own. Generally considered by Red Dwarf fans, I think, that there was a bit of a fall off in form.

Not necessarily because of Rob Grant, it was because the team was broken up. But anyway, when I brought Rob on at the beginning, I'd said to him, I'll say about your writing Red Dwarf and that. And he went, oh yeah, do do. And I went, yeah, but I'll say about the drop of Inform and he was sort of laughing and saying well if

you want to you can so I went on and I went so ladies and gentlemen the next act that's coming on was actually one of the writers of Red Dwarf it's Rob Grant

and for those of you who don't know you know there were two of them Rob Grant and Doug Naylor who wrote it but then you know our next act he left the

writing team and it was it went proper shit after that so you know we have got a good one we have got a good one to this evening tonight for you

because I mean I think what we learn with that is Doug Naylor he does need a crutch to help him do the writing and that so anyway

please welcome on stage Rob Graham and he went I walked off and the other actors are going you don't know do you you don't know do you

and I went what don't know what and they went Doug Naylor's only got one leg and I went what don't know what don't know and they went Doug Nail has only got one leg and I went right and they went you just said he needs a crutch and I was like

oh fuck it I tell you what I won't be getting all my healthy food from and my salad and my wraps and my cereal bars from. Where? Tesco. Why? I've fallen out with them.

You've fallen out with the whole of Tesco? I've fallen out with all their buildings and all their stuff. What have you done? I didn't, do you know what? I didn't do nothing, mate. All I did was, I stood by my own human rights. Right, okay. Is what happened.

Went to Tesco late at night. Why, you were away in Edinburgh? Yeah. Just woke up in the middle of the night, rights. Right, okay. It's what happened. Went to Tesco late at night while you were away in Edinburgh. Yeah. Just woke up in the middle of the night, lonely, upset, just wanted to go somewhere. Yeah. Right, went to Tesco all on my own, right? Crying like an orphan in the rain. While you were in Edinburgh having a fried sausage on a bun.

And I was just wandering around everywhere. So I went to Tesco. It's a big Tesco extra at Hatfield. And I was just wandering around everywhere. So I went to Tesco. It's a big Tesco extra at Hatfield. And I went there. As I have done for many years now, really. Because I've lived in this area. I don't live in Hatfield. Please don't think I live in Hatfield because I don't.

But I've lived in this area for quite a long time. So I've been there quite a lot. I mean, I've probably spent thousands of thousands of pounds there. Anyway, I went in. You've probably gained thousands and thousands of pounds. I probably have. Do you know what? That's probably why I'm now losing weight. Yeah. Yeah, I went in. You probably gained thousands and thousands of pounds there. I probably have. Do you know what? That's probably why

I'm now losing weight. Yeah. Yeah, good one. Well, what happened is I went into the Tesco and I had, as usual, as normal, I had my beanie hat on

and my hood up. And the man, you know the other little man who was in charge of the barriers and that's his job. Yeah. And he went

and gestured for me to take my hood down. Yeah. Right, and I laughed and carried on walking, right, thinking that's never happened before. Yeah. And I laughed. Yeah. And I'm walking, right, thinking that's never happened before. Yeah. And I'm not 13.

So I go and I'm walking and he chased after me and went, no, I'm serious, take it. And I went, not a cat in hell's chance. I'm not taking my hood down. He went, no, you've got to. It's the rules. Right. And I went, where? And he went, what do you mean?

I went, show me where it says it's the rules. Yeah. Where does it say that on the door? Yeah. And he was like, no, no, you've got to or you've got to leave. But I went, I'm not taking it down. So you've got to leave then. I said, I'm not rules. Yeah. Why does it say that on the door? Yeah. And he was like, no, no, you've got to, or you've got to leave. And I went, I'm not taking it down, so you've got to leave then.

I said, I'm not leaving. Yeah. And he said, he would physically throw me out. I was like, yeah, good luck with that. If you can lift me, then fair play to you,

get me out of here. So I asked for the manager, and I went, I want to speak to the manager. Yeah. And the manager came down, he was called Ashley Millard. But anyway,

he comes down. Now, he was, to be fair, a bit useless, really, I felt, as a manager. Because he looked at me

and went, what's the problem? And I went, I've not got one. And he said, why won't you take the hood down? And I said,

because it's my hood. And because I'm wearing it, and why have I got to change my appearance to come into your store? Yeah. Right, and little man,

the skisman went, he went, knives. Right, and little man, the excuse man went, he went, knives. Right, literally like that. What was the first bit of the sentence? I've no idea. We sell knives. But I bought some knives.

Yeah. In Tesco the other week. Right. And I said that, and I said, I bought knives here the other week, but a proper set of knives for doing the sushi with. I said, and nobody said anything then. Nobody said, hang on, you can't have them knives.

Did you have your hood up when you bought the knives? Did you? I've always got my fucking hood up. You see what I'm like when I go out? I've always got my hood up over my beanie hat.

I do it in disguise in case this Dr. Who fan's knocking about. So anyway, so it all kicked off and I'm going, well look, I'm not taking it down

but I want, as I said, give me the address of Tesco head office yeah I want to write to them we haven't got the address I went what we haven't got the address

of Tesco head office I went you're the manager of the store and you're not allowed the address of Tesco head office and he just went we haven't got the address I was like

well I know you have but I went alright and he gave me a phone number yeah I said well I'm not doing that I'm not doing that with the phone I want to put it in writing yeah

and so I then gave him my address and he gave me a phone number yeah i said well i'm not doing that i'm not gonna know the phone i want to put it in writing yeah and so i then gave him my address and said right you write to me yeah with the address for tesco head office within the next three days right i want that and because i'm going to write to them and i literally i did a little speech did you in tesco i said the thing is i'm not being awkward i'm not being stupid but i'm not having this yeah i'm not being shat on by big business in the society that I live in and I'm not being told I can't have my own door because some prick of a child

can't behave himself in a shopping centre. Did you say prick? Probably a bit more eloquent than this. Yeah, you probably didn't you didn't do like aggressive language.

I did a speech. Right, and it was a good speech because I thought it was really, really important to me. Yeah. If this is your pitch to be on Grumpy Old Men

No, I'm not being grumpy. I don't think I'm complaining. I think this is... The problem is, it's people that realise they're being shat on. We are being fucking shat on as a society. We are being really manipulated at the moment. We think, oh, you can't do this. You can't, can't, can't.

You can't smoke inside now. You can't do this. You can't do this. You can't do this. I'm not having it. I'm not fucking having it anymore. So I've got a letter back from them. Right, first of all... Right, now, a lot of people don't know this. I'm not having it. I'm not fucking having it anymore. So I got a letter back from them. Right, first of all, right, now a lot of people don't know this,

a lot of people do. My name, my real name's Ian. Yeah. Ian Bolesworth is my real name. Now they addressed it to one Bolesworth. That's what the letter I got was to one Bolesworth. Right? There's got a lot of Bolesworths to speak to.

Yeah, I know. But at least you are the first one of it. This is from Brian Quinney, who's the customer service manager. Dear sir, I was very sorry to learn of the incident that occurred on your recent visit to our store

and I apologise for any upset cause. However, for safety and security reasons it is company policy to ask customers to remove their hoods when entering the store.

So I've written back to the mad. Have you? Yep. Here's the letter I wrote to Brian Quinney. Dear Mr Quinney, thank you for your letter on 14th August 2009

with regards to me being asked to leave your store as I had my hood up. I have some further questions in relation to the incident and the Tesco policy. Now, the reason I'm reading this letter out is, is they've not replied to it. Right, okay. Right?

So this is an open letter now on the podcast to Tesco. And I want answers to this. One, can you tell me the actual reason that you have the policy? Your letter says it is for safety and security reasons, but I find this a little vague. On the night in question, I also asked for the reason for the policy and was not given an answer, other than something mumbled by the security man about knife crime.

Two. There was no literature nor signs visible informing your customers of this policy. Again, I asked to see some, but no one was able to provide me with any. I appreciate that your signs may have been stolen by uddies, but if this is not the case, can you please explain why your door policy is not displayed to the people it directly applies to? Three, this policy was enforced on the solitary grounds of how I looked. I had not behaved in a bad way or been antagonistic to staff or other customers. I had walked ten steps or so into your store with this and point two in mind. Can you inform me of all your other door policies on the

grounds of appearance? Right, and also, bear in mind, there's been plenty of times I've had my pants down in Tesco's. Yeah, they have actually, yeah. I've got Fred out for any of them ones. Four. On the subject of safety, can you tell me why on many of these occasions I've visited your store almost always late at night, early hours of the morning, my health was put at risk by having to unavoidably walk through a haze of cigarette smoke

dispatched by your staff at the entrance to the store? Five. What constitutes a HUD? For example, would a wearer of a hijab also not be welcome in your store? Oh, nice one. Brackets. In the interest of fairness, please pay special attention to this point as it is the one I think I am most likely to make the most noise about.

I appreciate that you're in a no-win situation, whatever you answer. Six. Do Tesco sell uddies? I think you do. You're certainly used to. Seven.

Unrelated to the issue of my hood, but something I've been wondering about for a while, why do you advertise your petrol station as being open 24 hours yet on the last final five times I visited your store, the petrol station was closed with all the lights off? Eight. I was very surprised that Ashley Millard,

who was introduced to me as the store manager on the night in question, has not been allowed to know the address of Tesco head office. I asked several times for it but was told in rather uncertain terms

that we do not have it. Is it Tesco policy to not let senior staff know the address of their employers? And finally, for now, does the man who sits in the little security podium next to the barriers actually control the barriers?

I have lost count of the amount of times I've banged my leg against them as they have failed or delayed in opening and have long suspected a vindictive streak in said security people. Needless to say, the incident with Yud has compounded this. Also, I should perhaps point out that my name is I, Bolesworth, and not one Bolesworth.

As stated in your letter, I am hoping this was merely a typ is I, Bolesworth, and not one Bolesworth, as stated in your letter. I am hoping this was merely a typo, and that a company as large as Tesco hasn't taken to thinking of their valued customers as merely numbers. Sometimes it takes just one of them to remind them that they deal with people, and people by their nature can kick up a right stink if they feel they have been mistreated. To avoid this confusion in future, and also again in the interest of fairness, I am forthwith going to use my stage name in this and all future correspondence, which is Ray Peacock. For full biog and press pics, go to avalonuk.com. Or perhaps you would like to become one of the thousands of listeners

to my podcast, the Peacock and Gamble podcast, available on iTunes at chortle.co.uk. I look forward to your reply, Ray Peacock. Brilliant. Aaron Brockovich has got nothing on me. You wait and see. Tesco are goners, mate. I'm going to go after them unless they start giving me

some answers and some answers quick. Continuing in the letters theme. Right. And also, by the way, that letter at Tesco, I mean, it took me ages to write it. Yeah, it's good.

It's a good letter. No, but I mean, out of my busy schedule. Yeah. As a writer. So you'd think that common decency did reply to it. Yeah.

You'd have thought, wouldn't you, if one of your customers who spent thousands of pounds towards your profits. Yeah. Had written you a letter, you'd think it'd be common decency, wouldn't you, to reply to it. Yeah, well, fingers crossed they will. Yeah, fingers crossed they will. Because, I mean, if they don't, I'm going to write another one. Yeah. In fact, from now onwards, they're getting a letter a week so they reply.

But anyway, the point is, though, is I know we've had one letter but now we're doing our traditional letter. Yeah, our nice one. Right? Which is going to be even better this week than last week because guess what?

I have written it. Oh. So don't worry, it'll be nice and don't worry, there is nothing offensive in this email. I don't believe you.

That's all, don't worry. Don't worry at all. And by the way, after all that we've done, after all this political stuff about Tesco and that, you know, all this Mark Thomas shit

we've been doing, right, let's get back to some good old fun of our complaint letters that we write every week to a company to get some free stuff.

Yeah. So here's the letter I wrote this week. Dear Tesco, Oh God. How exciting it is for me to do a letter to you because I'm not messing.

I've been in one of your shop loads. I am a woman and so I'm in charge of the shopping for the house that I live in, with my husband and my mongoloid ill child. You can't say that. I'm not. The person writing the letters. I have also liked doing shopping at Tesco, although I think your sushi is substandard, and your Blu-rays are massively overpriced compared to Asda. Other than those things, I like it.

However, fear is now my companion. Fear and concern. So that makes two companions or a posse as some people call it. The thing is, I live next door to a very handsome and trendy young man called Ray Peacock. Who has been on telly in Doctor Who and Skins and No Heroics and some others. Because he's all young and fit and trendy young man called Ray Peacock, who has been on telly in Doctor Who and Skins and No Heroics and some others. Because he's all young and fit and trendy, he wears all the latest

clothes, like beanie hats and an hoodie. And he looks brilliant in it. Imagine my horror when I found out you had chucked him out for refusing to not be young and fit and trendy. My horror is actually twice as much, because when I do my shopping

I take my son Fraser with me, and he copies Ray Peacock's clothes, so he can feel trendy too. Also, he likes to wear his hood up, because he is self-conscious after his chemotherapy has left his head looking like somebody has spat on a football and then rolled it across a barbershop floor. Oh, God!

I am frankly appalled to hear that if my terminally ill with cancer son came to your stores, by your rules, he would not be welcome. Unless he effectively paraded around with his patchy head on show, as if he is gloating about his illness.

Can you explain why my son is not allowed some dignity by being able to hide his treatment side effects if he comes to tesco and why you would rather cause him further humiliation in his slow death if he wants to buy something in your shop he wouldn't even come there for ages because you convinced him your trollies were alive and talked like Del Boy and some other famous ones I can't remember I mean he is fucking backward but at least let him cover his fucking head up if he wants

I look forward to you not replying as usual love and kisses Mrs Fraser brilliant have you sent that? not yet no well I say don't because I can't help but feel it would undermine your real campaign against them if you're sending letters as an invented woman

going, oh, Marie P. O'Clock is handsome and nice and write back to him. Yeah. I think that might undermine it a little bit. She's not telling him to write back. She's just saying that she lives next door, which she does. Yeah, but that immediately associates you

with someone going, he's had fucking chemotherapy. Well, he has. I would imagine, right? I mean, well, that's a never effect. When you, you know, when you have people around you who are very, very poorly, you eventually start making brilliant jokes about it. I mean, I have made brilliant jokes at properly poorly people.

Yeah. To people's faces who were very, very ill. Yeah, but that's not what I'm saying. That's fine to do that. It's gallows humour, isn't it? Yeah, but you've invented

a boy, you're killing him. No. And then you're writing to Tesco, you're writing a serious letter to Tesco. I haven't invented it.

I haven't invented it. He's your friend's brother. You remember me saying about him. Yeah, that's where the name comes from. Yeah,

I know. Is he ill or not? No, he's not, no. That's good, actually. Yeah,

I know. Well, all right, well, I might not send it, but I mean, I'm not, I wouldn't Is he a little normal? No, he's not, no. That's good, actually. Yeah, I know. Well, alright. Well, I might not send it but I mean, I'm not, I wouldn't mind if anyone else

sent a letter. I might send a letter with an ud on it and see if they open it. Yeah, do you want to just throw it out and say you're not coming through the post box

until you take a bloody ud down, stupid. Right, competition time. What competition? We haven't got one. No, but we've been waiting for people who've been sending in entries. I know, but it's still cancelled. Why?

It's cancelled. Why? Because here's the thing, right? Not enough people have entered it. And I know what's happened. What? You lazy fuckers. They have sat around and they've gone,

well, I'm gone. I'm not entering the competition if I don't win nothing. Yeah. I will wait until there is a competition and then I will enter it. That is a fair point, no? To win the Fraser card. No, it's not a fair point because what they're doing is they're letting other people do all the work. Yeah. They're being the

upper class. Right? I'm not having the upper class, right? All you upper class listeners. I'm not having that. So it's cancelled. Do you know how many entries we've had? How many? Seriously? Two. Right, that's rubbish. Do you know how many people have enquired about the Fraser cards? How many? Seriously, two. Right, that's rubbish. Do you know how many people have enquired about the phrase of cards? How many?

70. Right, okay. Or just over 70. Fuck them. Right? Only two people have given competition entries. Right. 70 people want the fucking things, right?

Yeah. You 70 people that spoke to me, you enter. You enter with a competition and then maybe, maybe just maybe, then you will have a chance of winning them. Yeah. So we're not having a competition this week? No, no. I'm going to keep my phrase of postcards.

Right. You can have some as well. Thanks, mate. Yeah, we'll have our own set of them. And we'll play Top Tr of winning them. Yeah. So we're not having a competition this week? No, no. I'm going to keep my Fraser postcards. Right. You can have some as well. Thanks, mate. Yeah, we'll have our own set of them. And we'll play Top Trunks with them. Play Top Trunks with them

and keep them in private. Yeah. We'll just have them and look at them and they are, I tell you what, they are fucking hilarious. They are fucking hilarious.

I'm just thinking about them now. Yeah, and do you know what, by the way? Person who wins the competition for coming up with the competition,

remember that is what we were asking you to do. If I come up with the competition and there's no prize, I'm going to change that now. Person who person who wins the competition for coming up with competition yeah remember that is what we were asking you to do if i come up the competition and there's no prize i'm going to change that now person who comes up with the competition yeah that becomes competition gets an exclusive right phrase a postcard wow of which there will be one of in the world which i will hand draw and hand sign right and you will get that one if you win this competition right and there's already two these two entries are already in in fact... So they're already priority entries. No, do you know what? What?

I've changed my mind. What, have you? Again. These two people that have entered already, they're both getting one. Nice one. They're both getting one for entering. Yeah.

Right? So you have to send me an address. It's James McFarlane and Dylan Savage, right? And I will send you an exclusive Fraser drawing. That's brilliant, because so they went out of their way to do it. Because they went out of their way to do it. So maybe if more people go out of their way to do it in the coming week, maybe you'll get something special.

But see what happens when you make the effort. But here are the entries, right? Neither of which are going to win. But here are the entries for the competition. They might win because they're going to go into the draw. James McFarlane. I'd like to see people make YouTube into products as the new comp. Ed Destructoid was a good start.

Ray O's and Ed O's chalk bars could be big, but people need to send in pics to, like, Ed's porn DVD cover, and I'd like to see an RP condom brand. Right. So that's one entry. After that entry, Claire Arthur wrote, What?

And then James McFarlane, like he just wasn't interested in what she had to say, went, Also, Ed Gamble pasta. Just stick some big Super Mario facial hair and a funny hat on Ed and that can be the packet image. So you can literally win a postcard by just mashing the keyboard. Yeah, you can literally win a competition, literally by just slamming your hand up and down on your keyboard.

And Dylan Savage's entry was having a day for a competition what's the worst thing that could happen to Fraser tiebreaker what's the absolute

best thing that can happen to him I don't remember about a tiebreaker we won't need that so what's the worst thing that can happen to Fraser

I mean we are essentially doing that competition every week I mean I can't see many worse things happening to Fraser

was that ever a challenge although in fairness nothing bad happens to him in this week's letter so um I mean he's had a rough ride though hasn't he

give him a week off yeah yeah let him have one week off while his mum talks about something else but yeah so that's that's the competition no competition

no and do you know what as a further punishment no council of pranks oh what yep no council of pranks this week no

no I'm not allowed no I'm not having that mate no we'll put it back to next week no we're having a council of pranks no council of pranks fine I'll do one No, I'm not having that, mate. No, we'll put it back to next week. No, we're having a Council of Pranks. No Council of Pranks. Fine, I'll do one by myself then. Well, do one by yourself then.

I will. The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast

is a big and dark production hosted by chortle.co.uk. If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page and you might win a prize. See you next week. Hello?

Hello? Hello! Hello there. This is the council. What's that? The council. Oh, yeah? Your house has got a dog has got loose in it.

I know. What? I know. It's the council. Yeah, I know. Mr Peacock. I'm not bothered. But the dog's eating all your pipes. I'm not bothered.

What? I'm not bothered. Right. Yeah that's what you're on about. You're bothered are you? Are you bothered? Have you got a phone, Jacker? Have you got a phone, Jacker?

Oh you're a big punk! Have you got a phone, Jacker? You're a big punk mate! Oh shit. Hello? Hello? Hello?