The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 15

Episode Date: May 5, 2019

"Episode 15" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 15 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Good afternoon, welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Please take a seat, I'll be with you in a moment. Thank you. What was that? What? What was that? Polite announcement. Polite announcement at the beginning, just in case we're not ready to start.

Right, but we are ready to start. Cashier number one, please. Well, why have you suddenly gone to the post office? It's not, that's still the doctors. How is that the doctors? They're both doctors. What do you mean? The first one was what happens when you first get in the doctors, and that's what they say to you.

And then you go and sit down, and when the doctors are ready to see you, they go, cashier number one, please. No, they don't. You get your balls out, put them on a counter, they check them and then they go, on top of your balls and it really hurts. Puts a bruise on them probably under the ink. How long have you been mixed up about this?

About the doctors and the post office? Is it not the same thing? It's not the same thing, mate. No. But it makes sense, wouldn't it, for it to be the same thing?

Is this why you've got loads of community service for getting your balls out in the post office? Sometimes. I think of things in my life and then just decide that's how it is.

So like one day I decided, do you know what they should do? They should combine the doctors and the post office. Because they're both full of mainly old people. Right?

And that's not slacking off old people. No, they just go doctors and post office. They've got to go somewhere, aren't they? Yeah. And then post stuff.

I once went to the post office and there was an old lady standing there going, I want to pay him some money. And they were going, well you don to the post office and there was an old lady standing there going, I want to pay him some money. And they were going, well, you don't, you can't because you're not registered here to pay him money. She went, I am, I am.

And she was getting really angry. And in the end they went, can I see some sort of documentation? And she went, yeah. And got out her Barclay card. Well, that's his right. Yeah. It should be the doctors,

the post office, the bank. Greggs. Greggs and the dentist. Should all be one place. Should all be in one building. That would make sense. That would.

That would be brilliant, actually, mate. Good plan. Because it'll cash you a number one, please. It'll go, right, hello, I want a steak slice. Hang on. I'm Ray Peacock, by the way. Hello. Hello, I'm a gamble.

Go on. Because you could go in and go, right, I want a steak slice. Yeah. Right. I've got this ache on my tooth, right? Yeah. I need to post a letter to America and I've found a lump so

tackle those in whatever order is normal and then you don't have to keep queuing yeah because if you go to all different buildings

you've got to queue at every one of them just have one queue for everything actually order wise you'd probably do the lump first get that out of the way priorities right

and then finish with a steak slice so you had a nice a nice end to it it depends whether or not you then finish with a steak slice so you add a nice end to it. It depends whether or not you want to post a steak slice after you've bought it. Because if you want to post a steak slice, it would make sense to buy that first.

Yeah, and then do post office. But getting it all weighed in that, why the checking your lumps? Anyway, that was the latest in our regular series of Ray and Ed make the world a quicker place to live in. And more convenient.

Now let's get on with the business of the proper podcast. Thank you. I mean, my bank wasn't even open this morning. I went down to the bank because I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't sleep. I don't know why. Yeah. Went down to the bank, 9 o'clock in the morning, not open. Right.

Waited down to 20 past and I went, you know what, fuck this. Fuck this. I'm going to go home and complain about that. About not being open right that's a 20 pass and I went you know what fuck this fuck this I'm gonna go home complain about that about not being open Nat West Nat West Wellingarden City you're in for it now

along with Tesco still not written back and along with London Coney McDonald's who still haven't written back and there was someone else that annoyed me oh the Daily Mirror

because they didn't supply the WH Smiths in Wellingarden City with enough Star Wars Lego toys the other day right yeah this Star Wars Lego what I'm really worriedarden City with enough Star Wars Lego toys the other day. Right, yeah, this Star Wars Lego. What?

I'm really worried about you. I love Star Wars Lego. I know. Well, you know how earlier on in the series I was worried about you being mentally ill? Yeah. Because you were dropping your trousers in the supermarket. For a joke. For a joke. Thank you, thank you.

Now, I'm worried that you have regressed to a four-year-old. Do you know what I'm worried about? What? Devirament. Right, well, no, I want to you know what I'm worried about? What? The virament. Right, well, no, I want to talk about what I'm worried about, Ray. No, because I want to put this in perspective.

Because you're going, oh, I'm worried about Ray. Oh, and then make fun of me for a bit. But Ed, the planet is dying. I'm seriously worried you have regressed to the age of a four-year-old, right? Right.

And Star Wars Lego is one. I got here quite early today, ready to do all nice recording on it. We hadn't got started for ages because you lay here to the age of a four-year-old, right? Right. And Star Wars Lego is one. I got here quite early today, ready to do all nice recording on it. Yeah. We hadn't got started for ages because you lay here building an entire Star Wars Lego figure while I sat here watching you do it.

I know. You go, I like it, I just keep doing it, right? But it's a lovely day. I went outside because you were mucking about with Star Wars Lego and you decided...

No, you went out for a cigarette. Pathetic. Yeah, right. And then I came back in and all you'd recorded was your version of New Flow by Big Brothers. You came and caught me doing it. Yeah, right.

And I've came in today to try to set up the recording. And this is one of the main reasons why I think you're too immature, right? Couldn't set up the recording because the table was covered in conkers. Right, that's true. That is true. Now, as we know, I've got to do all exercises every day now, get all fit and healthy, get my blood pressure down so I don't have a stroke and die. Right? I've combined it with the walks with collecting conkers. Do

you also go on the walks with a skateboard and a lollipop? No, why should I do that? It's ridiculous. You're collecting conkers. I can't believe you're criticising me for Are you trying to start your own league? No, I'm just having a nice life. I've not collected conkers since I was about maybe 10 or 11. This is my point. And my grandad used to take me down collecting conkers, right? Down just towards Warrington it was. And he used to go and drive down there where there's a big conker tree

and we used to go and get loads of them. Don't ruin this by bringing in sentimentality. Right, and I felt when I went and looked at the conkers, he brought it all back, it was lovely. And I really enjoyed collecting all my conkers up. Right, well, that's just a drop in. Right? And also, they were all in their shells as well,

or whatever they're called, right? And you have to step on them right to break. And sometimes you get a double yoker. It just got two conkers in it, and that is a brilliant time. Yeah, it's just a drop in the ocean that, though, really. Do you remember when I came to see you do some telly warm-up recently? When? Oh, before you went to Edinburgh? Yeah.

Yeah? I was brilliant at it. You're very good at it. Most of the time, do it all nice and professional. Yeah. I'll tell you who was in it. Sally Phillips. Yeah, she was. She rung me up today.

Yeah, I know. You were on the phone to her, yeah. I was talking to Sally Phillips just now. She's off telly, mate. So, there you go. How about that for a celebrity, ringing me up on my telephone? Right, well, at this warm-up,

it didn't take long before you started getting giddy and excited and all childish and immature. Oh, this is to do with the fishing, isn't it? Yeah. Because the sound man, sitting on the big seat ones with a huge crane with the microphone on the end. We should explain, it was a studio warm-up. It was for a sitcom called Miranda

that's coming out in October. Yeah. The man was sitting there, trying to work, trying to do sound things on the big crane, on the big boom operator, right? Yeah. You went over and asked him if he was fishing yes and how much has he caught yeah today kept bothering him about it and then when he was off it kept playing with it and the man told you off a 34 year old man you a 34 year old man i'm 36 mate that man was probably about 24 yeah right and he bollocks you go don't do that don't turn it around

though mate it's gonna break you go turn it around a little bit more. Just keep doing it. The man told me off. I think I'm going to get fired. And I went fishing for the cast. You did catch a couple of biggins. I'm going to catch Miranda Hyde. But now I'm going to catch Patricia Hodge now.

And I caught them all up. And I sang that song. Yeah. I just loved it. And then you're straight off, down onto the floor. Yeah. There's a little spare bit of set.

I'm not, do you know what? I'm not really supposed to go on the set. No, well you went on it loads. I know I did, didn't I? And this particular time, you decided you were going to film your own sitcom. And there was a woman with a camera, who I guess was shooting sort of,

she had a handheld camera, and she was shooting like DVD extras or something like that. You marched past her, grabbed her by the arm, and went, woman with a camera, who I guess was shooting sort of, she had a handheld camera, she was shooting like DVD extras or something like that. You marched past her, grabbed her by the arm and went, woman with the camera, come here and film my sitcom. And then after that, we went to the after show party bit. Yeah. A man came up to you, and this is where I think you might be letting it ruin your career. Right. And because you didn't think before you spoke.

Oh, the man from the... Yeah, a man came up to you, he said... What was the programme? I'll tell you in a minute. Okay. A man came up to you, he said, hello Ray. you in a minute okay man came up to you said hello Ray I can't remember what his name was

but he went hello I'm the producer for Coming of Age and you turned around without literally without thinking and went shame on you I was trying to be funny

as well but I meant it yeah I know it was quite right but he was saying they'd be trying to get you to do warm up

and they've been calling you but you're always busy. And you said, yeah, that will happen. And then that was... That was the end of the conversation, then. What objectionable mum I am. Our listeners have been giving competition entries after I told them off last week. Yeah. I've still not found a winner, so on it goes.

But we'll read some of these out. Some of these might win, maybe. Right, so here's some of the entries. Ben, was it Wadsworth? Ben Woods? Is it Wadsworth? Ben Wadsworth. I'm sorry, I can't remember in handwriting.

This is his suggestion for a competition. Yeah. Listeners have to make a Ray and Ed comic all up nice. Whoever does the best one wins. Right, that's kind of a bit flawed, that. Yeah. Because it's an audio medium. Yeah.

So if you make the best comic, we can't, I mean, we don't want to sit here. We can put it on the Facebook group and then people could vote on it, maybe. You can do that if you want, but I don't, you know. Someone's already sent us a comic thing anyway,

haven't they? Yeah, Jack sent us a comic, didn't he? Yeah, so he's copying that. He's a big copy, Ben. But it's alright, because he's come up with another idea.

Or, try and out old-style sing-song Ray all episode 12-esque. I don't know what that means. Right, I don't know what that means at all. But I presume I did something in episode 12 that was singing. Oh, um, Zulu King. That's not old-style singing. It is, it's an old camp song. And his third idea is, or, who can make a sushi better than Rayathon?

That is difficult to judge as well. And also, impossible, who can make a sushi better than me? No one, not even the real ones from Japan. So, that is a pointless competition, but we'll enter them all in there. Yeah, they're all in the app anyway. But good on him. But thanks anyway for joining in.

Yeah, good on him for entering, I like Ben. David Butler has entered with competition ideas, a rap battle competition. Ray and Ed can be like Eminem and another well, big, famous rapper. Weirdly enough, when we recorded the pilot for this podcast, we did a pilot which was unreleased. We did a rap battle in that, didn't we?

We did do a rap battle. Maybe we can resurrect that one day. I might try and find it. I don't think the sound was very good on it, but I might try and find that. That's not a competition for the listeners, though. How is anyone going to win anything with that? That's just me and you on a rap battle.

He also suggested estimate how long the next week's episode would be. That's quite good, but... It is, but the problem with that is, because we don't know, like now, as we're talking, and he also suggested estimate how long the next week's episode would be that's quite good but it is but the problem with that is because we don't know like now as we're talking we don't know how long

this episode's going to be no because it all happens in the edit so they would have to say for this one and they would only find out it'd just get all convoluted

next week we'd be saying things like right the person that won last week's competition is the one that ended it the week before it'd just get all complicated yeah and I don't want to go

back to that complicated thing of recording them in advance and stuff like that. This is his other suggestion. Listeners have to draw what they think Fraser looks like. That's good. Whoever gets the closest to what Ray draws wins. It is good, but again, it's a thing mainly for the Facebook page, isn't it, David? Yeah.

Because it's more... But we can announce who's doing the best and say go and check it out on the Facebook page. Alex Watson has suggested guess the length of. That's typical Watson. That is classic Watson, Matt. Each week, people guess how long certain parts of Ray O'Reilly's body is.

Oh, that's elementary, mate. It is, but do you know what I mean? All that's going to happen is our tailors are going to win. Matt Ebbs has been disqualified for breaking obscenity laws. Because I think Matt went on Facebook all drunk the other night.

Yeah, he must have done. I just started saying all weird, filthy things. I don't know what's happened to you, Matt. I don't know. I mean, I've met Matt Ebbs. You've met Matt Ebbs, haven't you? Yeah, we've both met Matt Ebbs. It's one of my best memories, actually, meeting Matt Ebbs.

I like Matt Ebbs. Yeah, he's nice. And he came to one of the live shows last year, it was, and it was a really nice live, but he's gone. But we're not putting a beep in the middle of a room. Yeah. I don't know why putting a beep in the middle of a room is a competition, Matt.

I don't know what the... Go on to Facebook and see what he said, but he's a dirty, dirty boy. Liam Crosby has just slammed his hand on his keyboard. He just thought letters all came up. I thought that was a nice suggestion. And Ellis Watts has said, if Ed grows a beard, you look like the hairy bikers.

and Ellis Watts has said if Ed grows a beard you look like the hairy bikers so not really a competition entry but thank you more of just an insult yeah

but thank you for those statements and competition entries and there'll be more competition entries next week unless we find one that we really really like and then that will be the competition. I wanted to,

it's a bit, it's not like what we normally do but it's quite a genuine this and a mean this. I'm on Twitter. Oh. I'm not bothered

about that. And neither am I but I did it to sort of promote the podcast. Yeah. But I was noticing Eddie Izzard, you'm on Twitter. Oh. Right, and I'm... I'm not bothered about that. And neither am I, but I did it to sort of promote the podcast. Yeah. But I was noticing Eddie Izzard, you know,

the comedian. Yeah. And I was noticing, I was reading his Twitter updates over the last few weeks and I thought it was a joke. Right. Because he kept saying,

just run my second marathon in two days. Just done my third marathon. I thought it was a joke. Right. And then, because it kept happening, I was like,

this is really, I don't know what the joke is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I went on it and he has been doing... Yeah, he's been doing loads. Marathons every day. Yeah. that you do four or five miles a day walking God knows what Eddie Izzard's thighs are like now all rubbing together I'd have to rub talc on them every night I would imagine yeah but I thought it was brilliant

it's for comic relief or sport relief or something and I thought it was amazing and I genuinely wanted to I sort of got

guiltied into giving money right because I'm not asked about charity no I'm really not generally speaking

I'm really not and because I don't like the whole thing I mean it's been talked about so much but the whole thing of oh do you know what I'm going to do right I'm going to wear Generally speaking, I'm really not. And because I don't like the whole thing, I mean, it's been talked about so much, but the whole thing of, oh, do you know what I'm going to do, right? I'm going to wear this wig all day for charity.

And you sort of go, all right, well, do it in another room then. And it's 20p. The other day, right? Yeah. You know, like, charity people on the street with clipboards? Yeah.

Right? One of them came up to me and my friend from NSPCC and went, do you want children to keep being abused? I mean, there's no way you can get out of that question. Yeah, you can. You can just go,

yeah, I'll watch. Tell you what, I will hide down this corner, right? And everyone you meet, I'll give you a fine. Because it was that thing of just going, I can't,

I like it, Izzard. Yeah. It's a comic, I think he's really good. I met him once, very, very briefly, and he was a very nice man, but he was very brief. But I like him, but I thought this was... I couldn't not give money to it. Yeah. Because I thought it was just amazing.

Okay. And, all right, it's guilted me into it a bit. Yeah. Because I can't comprehend doing that sort of exercise. Yeah. So I decided that I would give money and I've done it twice. I've done it on the text thing twice.

Yeah. And I thought I'd give the number out as well. Alright. And to donate to it all you've got to do is text EDDIE E-D-D-I-E all capital letters

to 666-09 666 like the devil 09 like the year. So that is how you remember it, right? And that will give about a letter fiver to it. Yeah. That'll do that.

Or if not, just go to cometrelief.com then he won't have done his marathons in blaze. I think that's amazing. I like it a lot. Yeah, well should we remember it, right? And that will give about a fiver to it. Yeah. That'll do that. Or if not, just go to cometrelief.com and then he won't have done his marathons in blaze. I think that's amazing. I like it a lot. Yeah, well, shall we do it next year? Don't fucking get real. I tell you what, speaking of me being remedial,

and I tell you what I am worried about a little bit. What? I think I might have a brain tumour. I think I might have because I find myself quite unable to concentrate as much as usual. Yeah. I'm not as sharp as I was. Yeah. And just a bit fuzzy all around.

But I think I've been this morning. You know when you think you're in trouble in an emergency? Yeah. This morning I had a shower. Right. Well done well done thank you i've been more walk i have to take my walk i'm proper sweaty yeah and i got i went to the shower and that got out of the shower this was in the ensuite right wait that's relevant because of the way that the room is actually yeah and you're showing off yeah i'm not showing off because it's to be honest with you i'd do without the ensuite yeah for a bit more room in that area that area so I was in there but because it's quite

a little sort of snug little thing this en suite's are but it's got a nice standing shower and stuff got out of there and I was drying my hair right

and as I was doing that in the house on my own the door of the bathroom slammed open into my back I was fucking terrified and I just slammed it back shut again

and put my shoulder up against it oh really yeah you were that scared yeah the door opened for no reason, right? Yeah.

And I thought, somebody's pushed that door open. Right? Somebody's opened the door. Right? And I was stocked, bollock naked, right? And proper panicking. Was it the Welsh shower man? No.

Even my... What are you... What are you doing there? What are you doing there? What are you slamming the door in before? Right? And I was proper worried. Yeah.

And I went, get out! Like that, worried. Yeah. And I went, get out! Right, I did. I went, get out! Which is a noted burglar technique. I know. Right? Because I didn't have any pants or nothing. Like, I couldn't get dressed to have the fight.

I didn't want to have a fight in the nude. No, no. And I showed up against the door and I waited for ages. And I went really quiet and waited for ages. And then I realised what I'd done is, when I was drying my hair, the towel had gone onto the door hook. Right. And when I was drying it, I'd pulled the door open onto myself.

So I'd burgled myself. I'm retarded, aren't I? Yeah, you are. And this morning, because you decided not to sleep last night... I didn't decide to. So I had to come a little bit didn't decide to so I had to come I had to come a little bit later than planned

but I had to call you we agreed we had pre-agreed that I had to call you when I was on the train and to make sure you were awake when you answered the phone

do cognitive tests on me yeah I said that I had to call you and make you count backwards from ten to check you're awake and it took fucking ages you kept saying ten

I don't think we even got to nine we got to nine. We got to eight, actually. Did we get to eight? Yeah. I did say tenty a few times. Yeah, tenty and thirty as well. I forgot to say at the beginning,

I've had this plan for ages being Ed. What? But I forgot to tell Ed about it. It is this very special podcast this week because it is of course the third anniversary of the death of Lady Diana and we are dedicating

this podcast to the memory of Princess Lady Diana on this the third anniversary of her death from drugs overdose what was it again? Car crash. Car crash on it.

In America, of course. Uh, where she crashed a car under a bridge. So, um, do you know what? There's been a lot of people speculating. Oh, what happened? What happened? What happened? And nobody has looked into the possibility that it was to do with a troll.

You mean one clinging onto the side of the car? Yeah, no one has considered the possibility that she was trying to cross. Or did Billy get a gruff in my opinion? Say, no, you can't cross Princess Diana. And she's gone... It wasn't even a bridge. And she's gone, I'm Princess Diana, I's gone it wasn't even a bridge and she's gone and she's gone

I'm Princess Diana I can do what I want she wouldn't have said that the Queen of Hearts I am Princess Diana I can do what I want that's your impression of the Queen

it's a daughter you idiot but anyway I don't know why Ed's laughing so much because it's serious oh sorry it is serious so let's just take a moment now for our little tribute

to Princess Lady Diana yeah let's just remember a moment now for our little tribute to Princess Lady Diana. Yeah. Let's just remember some of the things that she'd done. Great achievements that she had. AIDS, baby. Harry or William. No. That's a shock, isn't it?

Isn't it, though? I don't know one of them, or neither, I don't know. But she definitely kissed one of the AIDS ones. And have a dance with John Travolta yeah have a laugh with Mother Teresa

yeah have a giggle with Mother Teresa I prefer to tuck she probably met Nelson Mandela do a nice wedding with a big frock on

have a bit of a cry with John about a fashion man do you think it was a fashion man didn't that do you think it was a troll I don't know I see you're worried about it yeah I'm worried about it

yeah oh suck that toes of the bald man no that was the other one when I read it I can't get any wrong yeah she is still alive I think and go

do swimming in the sea and have a holiday on a boat but right at the end of just nearly nearly dying yeah but before you do dying go on a holiday on a boat but right at the end of just nearly dying. But before you do

dying, go on a long day on a boat with Ken Dodd. Dodie. Dodie Fire. What else has she done?

Doing jumping about on a mine. With a motorcycle crash helmet on. She's definitely done that one.

And lots of other achievements as well. But God bless you. But God bless her. She left behind two boys we shouldn't be laughing about. She left behind the racist one and the fit one in a plane.

And a soldier. Was it three or not? However many that she had. And of course don't forget as well there's a rumour that she had a kiss with Will Carlin. But I don't know

if that is true I thought that was discredited wasn't it he was a love rat do you remember it said love rat I know it was a love rat and James

Hewitt was a love rat and all and Rebecca Luce Darren Day yeah what other love rats have there

been let's think about all the love rats Bill Cosby the president one Bill Clinton yeah Bill Clinton he was a love rat wasn't he Ratatouille Ratatouille I love rats Bill Cosby the president one Bill Clinton

yeah Bill Clinton he is a love rat isn't he Ratatouille Ratatouille he is a rat and you love him yeah

love rat Brian Harvey run himself over why is he a love rat I don't know let's just dedicate it to all these people yeah anyway

so it's still dedicated to the Queen of Hearts mainly Prince of Stenner because it is the third anniversary of her death yeah but also Brian Harvey yeah and Charlie

Chaplin why Charlie Chaplin what why Charlie Chaplin I like him God bless you all oh just thought of another one. Candle in the window.

Got a candle in the window, like a princess. Candle in the window. Candle in the window. All the photographers taking pictures of you, like Marilyn Monroe. That's what it was about originally, wasn't it? Candle in the window. But Marilyn Monroe was sitting in a window one day. With a candle on.

It's about Marilyn Monroe in a power cut. It's about Molyneux Monroya and a power cut. Whatever happens well then, John. Anyway, it's time for letters this week. Letters time.

My week, my week. Boring. No, mate, you're going to love this one. Is it controversial? It probably is. I don't know, really. I just wrote it.

Has it got a phrase in it? Yeah, a phrase is in it loads, mate. Is he in bother or not? Yeah. Because he got a bit of a bye last week, didn't he? Yeah, nothing really happened to him.

He got a week off. Well, you did slam him quite a lot for having cancer. Well, no, I wasn't slamming him for having cancer. I was just... You said his head looked like a football that someone would spat on and roll across the floor. I don't think there's any reason to keep saying again what I said. I've already had to apologise to a lot of people about it. And people always go about cancer,

ooh, cancer, it's a horrible thing, it's a horrible thing. Yeah, well, what if Mika got it? Yeah, I would think about that sometimes. Right, so, Ed. Letters time. Get your letter all up nice and I'll have it in two or three years. I'll digest it in my brain and decide if it is any good or not. And spit your reaction out your mouth.

I will do, with some words at the end of it. Right, here we go then. My complaint letter. Every week we write complaint letters to companies to try and get free stuff. Yeah. As under the guise of a lady with a son called Fraser. I missed a bit off my letter last week, if you don't mind. You didn't ask for any free stuff?

It was meant to say, PS, PS can have voucher. Right. Okay, here we go. So this is my letter to a company for get free stuff off it. Dear Pedigree Chum. Fucking right. I'm just not being voyeurist. What?

Where did this come from? What do you mean? I'd like to know where they came from, where the idea came from. Right. So an advert for Pedigree Chum. Brilliant, yep. You were sat trying to write a letter. Yeah.

Pedigree Chum advert came out. You went, that'll do. Hello, woof or blow a high whistle, however you lot greet each other in the office. Actually, fuck the pissing greetings. I am right cunted off of you lot. Arse and pants. I would apologise for my language, but I didn't invent English, did I?

Complain to God or Stephen Fry who ever invented it like I am complaining to you in this letter about your bloody food. My name is Mrs Fraser, and thank God I had a son one day, which finally made me a proper woman. And don't worry, we did finally remember to cut the umbilical cord after a few days, when I realised the baby wouldn't stop following me.

That pink thing attached to my insides turned out to be called Fraser. And he's okay for a dickhead. He has got cancer, but he doesn't mind now because he's bald. And that means we can play Star Trek The Next Generation. He plays the warp button. Look at me waffling on like a thing. I haven't even done my complaint yet. Basically, we bought a dog for the family called Fraser One.

Our sun bloke is now called Fraser 3. Sun bloke. Our sun bloke is now called Fraser 3 because Fraser 2 is a massive log that my husband did in the toilet of which we were all very proud and collapsed. Fraser 3 became very jealous of the dog. We came home one day and he was eating the dog's pedigree chum. He said he really liked the taste. There was only one thing we could do. We locked him in his room with a hundred cans of it until he had eaten all of them so he would get sick of it. The problem is he ate them all and he really likes it. We now can't buy enough of your product and our dog is very upset that he doesn't even get a look in. He is so

pissed off that the other day he got a load of his mates around and they beat Fraser up. Fraser, meanwhile Fraser 3 that is, won't stop being sick and has started to grow weird hair and claws. This is your fault, please send us a new son, Mrs Fraser. That's nice, very, very good. I was a bit worried at the end you were going to ask for some more pedigree chum.

No, just a new son. I don't know what you're going to do with it. Do you think pedigree chum have got the ability or indeed the resources to send out children? They might do, they might build one out of pedigree chum? No, just a new son. I don't know what you're going to do with it. Do you think pedigree chum have got the ability, or indeed the resources, to send out children? They might do. They might build one out of pedigree chum. Oh, I'd love a pedigree chum child. That'd be amazing. Just have it as a statue in the corner of the living room. Yeah, that'd be brilliant. It might smell a bit. No, you'd have to sort of spray a sort of glue over it to encase it all in. Well, that's standard for a dog food statue. Isn't it? Spray it over with glue. Everyone knows that. It's the first thing you learn at art college.

That's a good letter. You're quite sweary in that one. Yeah well it's Mrs Fraser. She's got a right fucking gob on her. She has got a

fucking dirty turn of Fraser on her hasn't she? I might do my one next week. I think I might make Mrs Fraser a bit sexier as well.

Yeah. So we'll have a bit of a sex letter for Mrs Fraser. This is going to be LO company I'm writing this letter in my knickers.

Which is why the end of the pen keeps getting wet. Oh you mean she's wearing her knickers? I thought you meant she keeps dipping it in thinking it's the ink pot.

Why don't ladies call their front bottom an ink pot? Oh stick your qu it's the ink pot. Why don't ladies call their front bottom an ink pot? Oh, stick your quill in me ink pot. Because I don't know, I mean, because I know a lot of our listeners

are quite young, right? Young lads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, so I don't know if you know this, right, but girls, right, haven't got the same equipment what we've got, right?

You know, we have got a bum and a willy on it, right? Women have got a fanny in their bum. That is true, that. That is true, that? Women have got a fanny in their bum. That is true, that. That is true, that. They've got a fanny in their bum. Yeah, women have got a fanny in their bum, right? So that is good. Anyway, that is an inkpot now. Yeah, and I think they should start calling it their inkpots. Yeah. Because do you remember that night when me

and you went all really dirty and rude? Not with each other. When I'd done a gig in a school. It's just flirting, isn't it? It is just flirting, mainly. Do you remember when I'd done that gig in that school? It was all the parents from school. Yeah, they didn't ask, did they? No, they just turned up there. Turned up in the playground,

stand on the climbing frame. Yeah, I got a clap, didn't I? Yeah, you finished by going down the slide. You got stuck halfway down. I know, but you're a fine one to talk about that. I've seen you stuck on a slide. It is on YouTube. And then that night,

and at the end of it, that fit woman come on who was one of the parents and started doing a raffle and when we were driving away from it immediately went proper dirty

I tell you what I tell you what the price for the raffle is right we were just pretending to be and we were like right

I've had a lovely night at comedy haven't we we've had a good laugh right now it's time for a raffle and the price for the raffle is like all the men come on the stage

you know right and all doomy and every L right and we went from that we jumped from that to making a word for sex to be

that I won the raffle so you go tell you what I only went and won the bloody raffle last night and that means that you had it off so say you won the raffle

yeah I won the raffle got a really nice ink pot yeah pot like tell you what got my quill right in her ink pot. Ink everywhere at the end of it. Yeah.

All over her tits. The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page and you might win a prize. See you next week. You gotta miss, miss, do, do, see, do, do. This is Big Bro, taking over the show. We have the new flow. You gotta miss. Oh, she's at that back. What are you doing?