The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 16

Episode Date: May 12, 2019

"Episode 16" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 16 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Coming live from the capital of England or the UK, London, whatever one it is, please welcome Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble in the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, hello, hello, good evening. and Ed Gamble in the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast coming live from London. What's that bit?

Roadshow. Why is it going... It's clapping, that. Oh, right. It was interference. There's a lot of people clapping. I would do cheering in the middle of it. If you joined in and helped,

rather than me going... I just wasn't sure what was happening. You can do the cheers in on it as well, so we'll cheering in the middle of it. If you joined in and helped, rather than me going... I just wasn't sure what was happening. You can do the cheers in on it as well, so we'll try again. Hello, London! Yay! Yeah, man.

Oh, the whole thing's ruined. And me and you here, sat here. I'm Red Peacock Hilaire, by the way. Hello, I'm Ed Gamble. And we're sat here in our I Love London T-shirts.

Yeah. And that isn't even a joke. Me and Ed went to London yesterday. We're not in London now, but keep that a secret. At the moment, we're not in London, but just keep it a secret because it's the trendy place where all the trendy people go. We've got I Love London t-shirts yesterday. Yeah. How much were they, mate? A bargain

at a pound each. A pound each. We're not going to buy them for any more money than that, are we not? No. We saw them, pound each. Were you about to say you would have bought them for more money? I would have bought it for two pound, I was going to say. Okay, all right then. I think two pound is the ceiling on it.

Yeah. That would have been four quid for us to both look like idiots. I mean, it was a good joke because we were going to go and meet some people for dinner. Yeah. But the problem is, is we were a bit early. Yeah. And also there's a bit of a mix-up as to where we were meant to meet. Yeah. So we did wander, is we were a bit early. Yeah. And also there's a bit of a mix-up as to where we were meant to meet. Yeah.

So we did wander around for quite a while. And other people don't know that that is a joke. No, both wearing I Love London t-shirts, smiling. And all the skater boys on the South Bank. Yeah, they were all giving it some, weren't they? They were all giving us mouth. They were all going like, yeah, London all the way, mate. London all the way, but they were being sarcastic.

Yeah, and we were going, yeah, we'll do a trick on the bike. I said I could do it, I'll do a stunt on that a stunt on that bike no bother mate probably better than any you're done and then we don't know what they said because we were running away yeah you were running away just shouting it's retro mate yeah i don't know what that means i'm just don't know what people say it but anyway that's just so you know that what we are wearing yeah we never tell people what we're wearing no so that's what we're wearing at the moment we're both wearing um i'm gonna say white but off-white. Off-white, sort of like dirty.

Dirty white. Dirty white, been in the shop for too long. I love London shirts. And no trousers or pants. Yeah, that's important. I'd have a lot more sympathy for the postal strike. If postmen could do the fucking job in the first place is there a postal strike no i've not noticed any difference all i've noticed they've got a few

less bills that's all i've noticed i mean it's that i'm a big supporter of strikes and i'm a big supporter of like unions and all that so i know you're not sure a big old tory but i am i'm a big so let's really support the minor strike and the docker strike and everybody was sold out you don't get as many strikes at the bowling sport banter tell you what you should be on an internet version

of Mark the Weak that's what I reckon you should go for an audition for because with stuff like that mate you're gonna have to whoever is on the panel

in this hypothetical show right you will have them wrapped around your little finger it's searing banter, isn't it? Mate, that is satire of the highest order. You are like Peter Cook

or something. Hey, the postmen aren't doing a very good job at the strike. They couldn't even get a strike at a mega bowl. Do that. Save that up

and do it at your audition for an internet version of Modern Week if that's what you're going for. I don't know if that is something that you'll be interested in or not. I've not heard about it. But I was thinking that with the postal strike and that. I don't know if that is something that you would be interested in or not. I've not heard about it.

But I was thinking that, with the postal strike and that, I tell you what I saw the other day, speaking of the postman, you know that they're using Postman Pat on an advert for something? What is it for? Backsavers. Because I was watching it, and I think that's the first time that Postman Pat has accurately depicted what a real postman is like.

Just driving like a cunt and posting all the wrong things everywhere. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because he smashes through a field and gets a load of vegetables instead of the parcel. Yeah, runs a cat over and puts them all through the wrong door.

That is what... I've seen postmen do that sort of thing. I know, postmen are useless. I think what's happened is... Because they now don't even deliver in the morning, hardly. No. It used to be that they delivered by 9 o'clock.

But now it's like 2pm or something yeah and I think what they want is they want to deliver letters at 2pm but also finish at 12 I think they've got a right mood on

because it used to be they'd deliver really early in the morning and they'd be finished by 12 be in a pub by 1 drowning their sorrows at the fact they'd ended up being a fucking postman

and I think now they're going I can't believe, right, we've got to post letters whenever we feel like it in a day, and yet we can't finish by 12 as well. Do you think they're on strike until they invent a flux capacitor? Yeah, until they can go back in time. I might invent a post robot.

That'd be a good thing, wouldn't it? Yeah, Postatron 2000. Yeah, or just have a series of tubes. They'll just go direct your house. Yeah, or just have a series of tubes. Just go direct your house. Yeah, like, I love one of them tubes. Yeah, and all your letters now are written on apples. They just basically roll down the tube. And then you just eat the apple and you know what's in the letter.

Yeah, you don't have to read it. Just eat the apple. And then more people are eating fruit. Five a day. Yeah, so we're all trying to get five letters a day. Or five apple letters of what they're going to be called. Pom de letter.

Maybe that's what Postman Pat is trying to do in the advert because he does get a load of vegetables, doesn't he? Postman Pat shouldn't even be doing it. He's probably broke the strike.

Yeah, scab. Yeah, scab. Tell you what, Postman Pat, right? As much as I admire you and I've got to, as a socialist, I've got to support the strike.

I do support the strike. And you support, like, people who, like, independent sort of, like, small northern've got to, as a socialist, I've got to support the strike. I do support the strike, by the way. I do support, like, people who, like, independent sort of, like, small northern towns. Like, there's a lot of independent shops. Like, Goggins is obviously running the post office. I would support that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As opposed to big supermarkets.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Which, by the way, that brings us back to what we want to talk about. Guess who's written to me? Tesco. They've sent me a letter back. Now, I know this is a comedy podcast, but it's a bit humorless, this letter. But bear in mind, i didn't write it so here's a reply that i got from brian quinney old the old quinster yeah uh at the tesco store at mount pleasant in outfield oh i've given a lot of their address away haven't i i'll be saying the bloody postcode next al95jy

um it's on the oldin's corner that just make what you can of that address so here you go. Here's a response from Brian Quinney. If you didn't hear my original letter, then I'd look. Just go back and

listen to it. It was about two podcasts ago. Dear Mr Peacock, thank you for your letter dated 19th of August 2009. In response to your

questions, I can confirm that we ask customers to remove their hoods so that we are able to see people clearly on our CCTV. We would also ask

any motorcyclist to remove their helmet when entering the store for the same reason. However, we would not ask any motorcyclist to remove their helmet when entering the store for the same reason. However, we would not ask a customer

wearing a hijab to remove it as this is worn for religious reasons. We do not currently have a sign informing customers of this policy

and there is no legal requirement to do so. However, we will look into this. We do sell hooded tops at our clothing department. However, we would still ask customers

to wear the hood down whilst visiting our stores. I was sorry to learn that members of staff were smoking at the front of the store. We have a designated smoking area near the staff entrance and staff should only be smoking in this area and not at the front of the store. Please accept my sincere apologies

for any upset this has caused. We will be investigating this matter and try to ensure this does not happen again. With regards to your comments concerning the opening hours of our petrol station, I can confirm that the pumps are operational through the night. The kiosk is not always manned at night.

However, customers are able to use our pay-up pump facility. At the time of your visit, Ashley Millard was the duty manager, and it seems that he was unaware of our head office address. Oh, Millard. Millard. I tell you what, Millard, that's a warning for you now.

I am sorry that you have experienced problems with the barriers at the front of the store, however I can assure you that they are automatic, and the security guard has no control over them. Yours sincerely, for and on behalf of Tesco Stores Limited, Brian Quinney, Customer Service Manager. Quinnell. Well done, Quinney, for writing that back. And, I mean, that's wasted a lot of your day, hasn't it? Having to write that has probably wasted an awful lot of your time.

What I don't understand, yeah right why would they even mention well obviously we asked motorcyclists to remove their helmet when they come into the store what fucking motorcyclist

is walking into Tesco's wearing a motorcycle helmet unless it's the lady from the Zavirax advert or Street Hawk I'll tell you what right I think he's trying to anticipate my next move

like a game of chess he's saying he's going to come back with oh what if a motorcyclist comes in I'm not I'm going to come back with what if Darth what if a motorcyclist comes in? I'm not. I'm going to come back with,

what if Darth Vader comes in? Right? And he can't take it off because if he takes his helmet off in public, then he will choke to death. Right? The thing is, right, I do want to carry on this letter writing, but I can't be arsed.

No. That's the problem. So I've got to raise myself to do it. Alternatively, I thought of a competition. Right. Right? Maybe our listeners right yeah could write a response now don't write it to tesco although i can't stop you if you do yeah

but i i would ask you not to but i can't stop you if you want to do it i can't stop you doing it i can't stop you but i'm going to state now on the record i am not condoning a letter writing campaign to tesco i don't even know where you'd get the address from. But what I'd ideally like is if listeners can respond to that letter for me. Through you. Yeah, do it on the Facebook page. If you do it on there, write your letters on there, and then we can send them on.

But if no one does it, I'll do it. But if you want to do it, then we could do it as a little mini competition. And there is a prize, and it is a completely unique prize. What is it? I'm not saying. Right. This is what we should do in our competitions.

We shouldn't be telling them what they're going to get because they pick and choose what competitions they want to enter. Right. And this isn't an

official competition. Okay. This is a sub-competition just for the Tesco letter writing campaign that doesn't exist. We're not even doing a campaign against Tesco.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying this is a little... This isn't even in the podcast. I don't know that. I'm just saying this is a little... This isn't even in the podcast. I don't know what you're on about. We did a good joke yesterday when we were in London.

We did. We did a few brilliant ones. I know. My favourite one that we done was... I don't know if you know about the IMAX, the IMAX cinema

that's at Waterloo. It's in the roundabout there at Waterloo. I sort of... I don't like it because when it originally was built, they evicted lots of homeless people. I know that sounds weird,

but a homeless sort of community was in that roundabout and they evicted them all to build this big fucking IMAS. Yeah, but what you don't know is that they let them... They work the projectors. Oh, do they? Oh, that's all right. If they still live in the cinema, that's fine. I've no problem with that at all.

If they're in the films, I don't mind that. Yeah, they've put them all in the films. Yeah, okay, well, that's fine. I would like to watch a big homeless on a big screen. I've no problem with it now. Sorry, I take it all back. But anyway, we went in there yesterday. Now, what they do is oftentimes it's a big circular building,

like glass-fronted building. They'll have big cinema posters in it, like enormous things that you can see as you're driving over Waterloo Bridge. But when they don't have that, they will just have adverts for just products and things. And there's an advert for a product up there at the moment. So me and Ed went in there yesterday and asked for two to Kit Kat Chunky. And they looked at us like no one had ever done that before.

I can't believe that everyone's not doing that. If you live in London, go in the IMAX and ask for two for Kit Kat Chunky. For as long as that advert is up there. The competition's come up with the competition's gathering scheme. That's a bit of a mouthful. I know, but it's a snappy title as well. As well as being a mouthful and long,

it is also snappy. Yeah. Competition's come up with a competition. Like a crocodile. Actually, it should be the competition's come up with a competition competition. Is that right?

Or whatever it is. Well, anyway, people have been sending entries to us. Only because you've bullied them into it. Well, but it has got a result. That's all right then. Yeah, people go about

bullying and that. Oh, bullies are cowards. Oh, bullies are bad fingers. I've got a result. I suppose, well, like famous people sometimes go like, oh, I was bullied at school

and now I'm famous. Yeah, and now they're all famous. Yeah. So I'm, in a roundabout way, contributing to the arts. Yeah, because of people like me, because of bullies, right? You end up getting famous people. If it wasn't for people like me, you wouldn't have Jodie Marsh.

So imagine that. You would be living in a world without Jodie Marsh if it wasn't for bullies. So have a think about that. You know, you are just slowly, throughout this podcast, really destroying any public sympathy there is for you. Why? Saying you're a bully and then saying that you are responsible for Jodie Marsh. Mate, don't say that. I'm losing public sympathy.

I'm not losing public sympathy at all. You are, mate. It's ebbing away. Right, don't do that because I need it. All right? I need the support of my public. So don't be saying things like that. Don't be fucking with my brain like that. Because I need it. They all hate you, mate.

They don't all hate me now. I am still well liked. The man on iTunes. Yeah, it might have even been, mate, the girls hate you more. What? All the fit girls hate you. But they're my fan base.

My fan base is slipping away. Yeah, all the fit girls are just going over to Ed now. No, stop it. I don't want you all supporting Ed. Yeah, they have all come round my house. No, that's not fair. You can't have Ray and Ed

and everyone has just suddenly gone off. Ray and Ed is a team. No. You can't have people all going off just supporting Ed. But Ed is the best one now for the fit girls. All come round going to Paddling Pool to have a barbecue.

All our fan base like Ed now. And none of them like me. I have had a miscarriage no i i've been raped all right it's coming back now you're getting a bit more mentioned it right and i didn't report it at the time but right and i'm not saying who it was but i have been raped so Right, now I think you've nearly got the public sympathy back now, right? Right now, you need one more thing to give the rape a bit of an edge. It was a celebrity.

Oh, it's back. It was a celebrity that raped me, but I'm not saying who it was. Right, they're back with you now. Yeah, I'm not saying who it was though, but it was a celebrity. So please continue to like me. Please continue to support me, because I have been raped by a celebrity so please continue to like me please continue to support me because I have been raped by a celebrity

right and that's all I'm saying about it right but Ed knew about it so I don't know why Ed's now claiming he didn't know anything about it right

I've got a disempathy now right that's fine but your tits are still too big anyway Joshua Sel Roberts entered with this is the competition it's a fan of competition

remember find a Fraser competition can I just say by the way everyone keeps writing Fraser in different ways yeah Anyway, Joshua Sol Roberts entered with... This is the competition, it's a fan of competition, remember? Find a Phraser competition. Can I just say, by the way, everyone keeps writing Phraser in different ways. Yeah. The spelling of Phraser is F-R-A-S-E-R. That's correct. Right, it's not Phraser, it's not a television programme.

Do you think some people have been thinking that? Loads of people have been doing that, I've been writing. Do you think they're imagining that we have been thinking about Phraser? Yeah, maybe that is it. Yes, it's not that. Josh wrote, find a Frasier competition. Each podcast listener visits various children's wards

up and down the country to find a child who could potentially be the love child of Ray and Ed. Brackets, i.e. fat kids. Right. In order for it to be a valid competition entry,

the children must also be doing a dying. Now, is the thing right? I'm not sure where we would legally stand with that, Josh. No, yeah. I don't think they could do that. But yeah, but good entry, Josh. It's in the bag, but... I'm not sure I'm not sure where we would legally stand with that Josh no yeah I don't think they

could do that but yeah but good entry Josh it's in the bag but I'm not sure it is in the bag mate to be honest I'm not sure

we might lose we could lose public sympathy if we keep saying things like that remind him about I've been raped and so has Ed

by a celebrity I know but two different ones right but they are known for performing together right alright it was Ant and Dec different ones right but they are known for performing together right or I was

out of deck right the next one is James McFarlane the new competition can be we all write a bogus letter to Tesco and the winner

best ones have their letter read out on the podcast yep I mean that's kind of what we're saying not a bogus letter I mean just you've heard Tesco's

response so if you want to write a letter a response back to Tesco write it via us send it to us and we'll send a selection if you letter I mean just you've heard Tesco's response so if you want to write a letter of response back to Tesco write it via us send it to us and we'll send a selection if you want

I'll just say these are letters that our podcast chose to respond because I couldn't be arsed Rory how about a Ray vs Ed challenge each week we issue you

with a different challenge and you compete against each other could also have really famous celebs like Ant and Dec do on their unrelated Ant vs Dec challenge don't remind me about Ant and Dec

honestly I mean that's a good entry in that but please't remind me about Ant and deck honestly I mean that's a good entry in that but please don't talk about Ant and deck it just upsets

us but that's not the same Ant and deck as the ones that raped us oh no no oh no no

sorry that's I don't want you to get confused it's not Ant and deck of the ITV Ant and deck takeaway thing

and all that it's not them two that raped us it's a different Ant and deck in fact Ant and deck is just what we call the people that raped us that's not even their real names that it's not them two that rapes us it's a different Ant and Dec in fact Ant and Dec is just what we call

the people that rapes us that's not even their real names no it's not because they are celebrities the people that rapes us are

celebrities but their code names are Ant and Dec yeah but that is all we're saying but it isn't the Ant and Dec that you're thinking of

no Alex Crone how about a best picture of a thing competition every week a different thing for example a Christmas tree that's nice and Alex sent a picture of a thing competition every week, a different thing? For example, a Christmas tree. That's nice.

And Alex sent a picture of a Christmas tree. I like that our listeners, when suggesting competitions, will come down to the remedial level that we operate on. Mitchell Parsons, competition idea. Who can record the best phone jacket punking and send to Ray and Ed? That's a good one. That's good, yeah. I like that. If you want to do some prank calls to your friends and stuff, like what we used to do in our old series, then you'd do that.

Cancel pranks. Yeah, cancel pranks. Now, cancel pranks. Ueli Choup Lambert. What sort of fucking name is that? There's no point to that name. Ueli, that's U-E-L-I, Choup, T-S-C. I mean, you can't have a T, an S and a C together.

That is stupid, that Ueli Choup up Lambert. Lambert's alright. Hi Ray, hi Ed. As the competition, why not describe a new disease that Frasier has contracted in every new letter that listeners then have to guess where it could be. He says, go on, say like, we just do the Frasier letter, but don't say what the disease is.

Right, and they have to diagnose it. The problem with that is, that is us doing it. The point of this competition thing is that we have to diagnose it. Yeah, the problem with that is, that is us doing it. Yeah. The point of this competition thing is that we don't do it. Jack Metcalf's competition idea. Good on Jack. Wickedpedia, a compendium of Ray and Ed facts. I think a good competition idea

would be to create a fact about Ray and Ed. Facts will be judged on an offset scale of believability versus ridiculousness, hence creating a product fraction that can be converted into percentage. Can I just say, this lad, Jack, works in Starbucks. What a waste. Look how intelligent he is and he works in fucking Starbucks. It goes on to say that we should bandy about any facts people come up with. We should bandy about in interviews and conversations and stuff.

Again, Jack, that's basically work for us to do. But he's adding the facts every day on the Facebook page. That's good. Well, that's great. Yeah, and they're worth reading because they are funny and that, so I'm going to have a read of them. Russell Morrissey, competition idea. Best is to keep it simple. But he's adding the facts every day on the Facebook page. That's good. Well, that's great. Yeah, and they're worth reading because they are funny in that so I'm going to have a read of them. Russell Morrissey, competition idea.

Best is to keep it simple. Yep, nice one. All right, cheers, Russell. I reckon one of the best bits is the complaint letter section

and I reckon loads of listeners could write really funny complaint letters. So have them send in each week and read out the best one on the podcast.

And for a prize, I know what you're upset about and I am as well. I reckon that the listeners could do it better. Yeah. Yeah, but listen, and for a prize, they could win you're upset about, and I am as well. I reckon that the listeners could do it better. Yeah.

Yeah, but listen, and for a prize, they could win a handwritten, signed, framed copy of an original phrasal letter. Right, you do know we don't get paid for this. On your bike, mate. This actually costs us money to do this podcast, right? It actually does cost us money to do it. Right, it cost me about 30 quid to get here. Yeah, and they're giving it, ooh, do us a favour, frame us your notes. Go get a frame of your notes

just because we've come up with an idea just because we're copying you but thanks Russell for your entry Alice Watts so you didn't like my last idea but here's another

Ray and Ed will fix it we send stuff in for you to fix it for example radio watch baby right again the point is

you do it I would like to fix a baby though yeah I've got you read the rest because I'm getting bored with this Again, the point is you do it. I would like to fix a baby, though. Yeah, you read the rest because I'm getting bored with this. Right, these ones are from Jez Shaft. He sent in three. Number one, this competition is called Oh My God, It's Ray Off Doctor Who. Listeners have to find the most outrageous and ostentatious way

of letting as many people know that Ray was on Doctor Who as possible. Right, love that. Love that as an idea. Number two, this competition is called the Cuddly Comedy Colossus. Ed has a lot of funny descriptions recently. Let's compound this by having a competition where people send in the most creative slash

insulting descriptions of Ed. Brilliant. Love it. That is a running competition now. By the way, that's another one of our little sub-competitions. Right, note that it says creative as well. I don't want just loads of ones saying fat wanker. No, fat wanker does apply. I'm telling you now, right, fat wanker I will accept.

So if you want to leave, as many of you want to leave a message on the Facebook fan page saying, Ed is a fat wanker, then that is fine. You'd be one of the winners if you do that. But I think it should be as if you're doing a review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed is a fat wanker is fine, though.

You should say I'm funny as well. Yeah, but Ed is a fat wanker is good. He's a funny fat wanker. Yeah, funny fat wanker. What is Jez's next one? Jez's final competition idea is called Where is Ray allowed to go? People put on hoodies and walk

around a bit and go to the shops and nice places etc. The person who walks around the nicest slash poshest place

without being told to leave is the winner and then Ray also knows he can go there without being told off. Yeah those are

bloody good Jez. It's like Jez has sat down and gone right I'm going to come up with a good entry for this. Yeah it's like

Jez has got more time on his hands than all the others. Yeah isn't it? Jez are you unemployed or not? Next one. Yeah next one. like Jez has got more time on his hands than all the others. Yeah, isn't it? Jez, are you unemployed or not? Right, next one.

Yeah, next one. Got one from Joel Den here. How about people do impressions of Ray and Ed and maybe the girl who talks at the end? Like that. That's good.

Yeah. Whoever does the most convincing slash funniest is the winner. Yeah, I like that. Record your own podcast. Got 30 seconds to do it in, right?

Yeah. So you and your friends if you want can record but it's got to be like this one. So record your version of this podcast within 30 seconds and a minute? Yeah. So you and your friends, if you want, can record, but it's got to be like this one. So record your version of this podcast within 30 seconds

and a minute. Yeah. Send it to us and we will play the best ones on the podcast. Yeah. I'm happy with that one so that's a good competition

as well. That'll be great. Right, this one's from Daniel Rude. How's about this for an idea? He's used the number four instead of the letters. Cool, saves time.

Yeah, it saves time. Trendy. It doesn't actually save time because it's actually taken me about five times as long explaining it. Yeah, think about it now, it saves time. Trendy. It doesn't actually save time because it's actually taken me about five times as long explaining it. Yeah, think about it now. All this time we're talking now

is actually time that is wasted if you'd just written four normally. Ray or Ed, tell an anecdote from your childhood slash teenage years.

Brackets, similar to the journal extract Ray did a few weeks back. Yeah, copied. But leave out the ending and the listeners need to send their own ones. Right, okay.

ending and the listeners need to send their own ones right okay right here's the competition guess the end to this section time for our weekly complaint letter

hey complaint letters to companies to get free stuff yeah it's your one yeah it is I mean it's not really a complaint letter this one I've said that in the letter so don't worry about that

Also speaking of free stuff Can you send us some? I'm looking at the moment for Star Wars Lego So I don't know if anybody works in a toy shop or anything If you do Maybe you've got too much Star Wars Lego Yeah Just send it me

I'm looking for between seasons four and seven of The Shield. Yeah, but not pirated. But not pirated. Real proper ones. And new as well. Yeah, and if it's not got the fucking seal on it, then you can just keep it. But yeah, Star Wars Lego for me.

DVDs of The Shield for Ed, please. And also, I mean, as a general rule, hardback comic books. Yeah, lovely. Fine, just send them through. I mean, we'll give anything a chance. Ideally, I a general rule, hardback comic books. Yeah, lovely. Fine, just send them through. I mean, we'll give anything a chance. Yeah. Ideally, I like Marvel stuff, but I have pretty much got most of it, I imagine.

Oh, and I'd like Volume 3 of Sin City as well. Yeah, and can I have... Well, I've got all of Sin City, that's fine. And can I have an harmonica? Right, so here is my letter this week, which, as I promised last week, sexy one. It's going to be sexy. Sexy time. I can't begin to imagine what this is going to be.

So get ready for a bit of a sexy time now. Get rid of your inhibitions. Yeah, here we go. Just relax, lie back and have a sexy time with Ray's letter to a company for get free stuff from Mrs Fraser. Two Ann Summers are one of the less commercial and more valuable money and better sex shops. letter to a company for get free stuff from Mrs Fraser. Two and summers or one of the less commercial and more valuable money and better sex shops. Hello. I'm not even shy about

coming in this shop via this letter because I watch Sex in the City so I am liberated, aren't I? I bet there is loads of stuff I am sexually open to after watching that. Brackets, I'm not swallowing it and you're not putting it in there and you can slap my arse

but not too hard because it hurts. I should mention I am all in a nudie whilst I write this letter and my husband who works as a builder has just had it off with me

in loads of positions and took photos of it in an hotel. Anyway, let's get on with this letter before I squirt again. Oh no, too late, get some towels. The point of this letter is to ask why there are no sex toys for children. Only joking, I just said that to make Ed laugh.

No, the real point of this letter... Thank God. ...is that I have a little baby son called Fraser, who is terminally ill and a cock. I look after him, what seems like every five minutes, and it wears me down, and my husband is hardly ever here because he is a pilot. It feels like the only

break I get is when I get a bonk on and have a wank, but the girl equivalent of it. So I was wondering if you could send me some sexy stuff, like porn or stuff that boys like for free. I think you'd do a thing called cock rub, so some of that would be nice.

And a butt plug, just to to try it but nothing too big. This isn't really a complaint there, so don't get the arsehole. I'd just like some free dirty stuff. Incidentally, and finally, do you have a dildo big enough to be used as an artificial leg? The proper ones the hospital want us to get cost a fucking fortune. Love and sexing Mrs Fraser. That's brilliant, though. Yeah, that's a nice one, isn't it?

I mean, again, no, I'm not my best one by any... And Fraser comes out all right in the end, doesn't he? Yeah, he does come out all right in the end with his dildo leg. Yeah, with his dildo leg. I think get him a vibrator leg, then he wouldn't even have to walk. He could just jabber about everywhere. He could just vibrate along. Well, when I say dildo, I mean vibrate.

I don't like the phrase vibrator. I don't like that as a term, vibrator. Okay. I think it sounds really childish. Right. Whereas dildo, I think, sounds grown up. But dude, vibrator. I've heard girls say, I've got a vibrator.

I don't like it. Yeah. I've no problem with it as a thing. I just don't like that. The terminology. Yeah, vibrator. Yeah. Sounds so retarded.

What about a jibber-jabber? Jibber-jabber, I like that. Could you use a jibber-jabber as one if you were a girl? Probably. If there's any girls out there, can you use one and take a picture of it and show us it? Just see if it works. Hey, speaking of sexy things for girls, dude, we got sent some hats. We did.

Of Nigel Waller from Rotherham, right? Thank you, Nigel Waller. Thank you, Nigel Waller. We've took photos of ourselves on the Facebook page. And one is a beanie hat

and one is a cap. And it says it's got the logo for the Peacock and Gamble podcast on the front of them. And we were thinking, right, I mean, nice,

but we have trouble sort of wearing them out because we are in it. It is our thing, so it looks a bit weird. And we've already got our I Love London t-shirts on. Yeah, but we have trouble sort of wearing them out. Yeah. Because. We are in it. It is our thing. Yeah. So it looks a bit weird. And we've already got our I Love London t-shirts on.

Yeah. So we already look like retardings. We already look like fucking idiots. But what we thought was, is we could send the hats out on loan. Yeah. To a girl. Or girls, preferably girls. Actually girls, yeah.

Yeah, girls. And what you do, right, you take a picture of yourself picture of yourself wearing a bikini or something or nothing or nothing at all either a bikini or just bikini bottoms just bikini bottoms or just bikini top

yeah okay one of them things or nothing right and like you know just for fun and you've got to be 18 or over yeah

right or if you're not then you've got to claim you are right and then and then you've got to maybe to are. Right? And then you've got to... Maybe to prove it, take it in the pub. Yeah.

Or in an 18 film. Right, and worry out on that, and just a bit of a sexy picture of you. Yeah, but importantly, sorry to chip in with admin, when you've done that, send us the photo, then you do have to send a cap on to the next sexy lady. Yeah, well that's what's going to happen. So you've done that, send us the photo then you do have to send a cap on to the next

sexy lady. Yeah, well that's what's going to happen. So you get the photo and then we will give you an address to send a cap to which will be to the next sexy lady

because it's going to be a porny chain letter. It's what we're trying to do. We'll be honest, it's a bit of a secret but we'll tell you, right? It's for a new world record. So if you want to be involved

and for charity as well it's for all the little children who drown so do that for charity thank you very much in advance

and it's backed by Oxfam in that Oxfam don't want us to do it the Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page, and you might win a prize. See you next week. Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white hat. Scab! Scab! Scab! Fucking scab! Scab! You scab! Disgusting, mate!

Fucking look at us, you scab! We're the team, you scab! Scab! You scab! Disgusting mate! Fucking look at us you scab! We're supposed to be a team you scab! Scab! Fucking support us you scab! Scab! Meow! Yeah you tell him Jess! Fucking scratch his eyes out Jess!

You fucking scab! Watch out Goggins has got a baseball bat! Fucking smash it Goggins! Smash his fucking windows scab scab scum scab scab