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Hello, I am Ed Gamble.
Hello, and I am Ray Peacock.
This is the Peacock and Gamble podcast, live from the big one at Blackpool.
200 feet in the air, we are passing the 200 feet mark now.
We're going to be a welcome show now because we are on a roller coaster in Blackpool.
What's this bit now?
Here we go.
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Whoa! What's this bit now? Oh shit! Woah!
Woah! Oh my goodness me!
Did you hear that then? That's amazing that.
That was a brilliant intro. Yeah?
That was great but unfortunately the rest of it
you can't really hear it very well because of the clatter clatter clatter. And wind wind
wind. Yeah so that's what happened when you go on the big one but you got a bit of the
big one on there at the beginning. Yeah and the rest of it was just screaming as well.
Yeah and do you know what that is a totally unique way of starting our podcast up. It
is though isn't it? Yeah. This is our Black Pill special podcast we're doing today. Hooray.
Hooray. And I don't reckon that anyone ever before has recorded
an intro to our
podcast up there.
You're probably right.
At the top of the
big one.
I don't think anyone
has recorded a Peacock
and Gamble podcast
introduction at the
top of the big one.
Yeah, we are the
only ones to do that
defos.
I'm 90% sure of that.
I'd be surprised if
anyone from any
podcast has ever done
it.
Well, we'll have to
find out.
If you know of
anyone in a podcast
who's done it before
us, then let us know.
But I imagine they'll all start doing it now. Yeah, we find all of them
doing it. Oh, they'll all be doing it. We'll all have a turn
of that now. We are a comedian
as well. We will do a podcast as well.
Are we all going to do it and copy
it now? Yeah, well, we've done it first.
On the top of the big one. On the top of the big one.
On the top of the big one, yeah. I don't think we did a podcast
first. I think, um, what did
Ricky Jingle did it? What did he call it again? I think it's Ricky first I think Ricky Jingle did it
I think it's Ricky Jingle
Ricky Jingle off to an office
Yeah
Yeah he'd done one definitely
Yeah but he didn't do one on the big one
and that's what we're saying
Yeah Ricky Jingle
why have you not done a podcast
on the top of the big one yet
Too successful are you
Oh you're too rich are you
and too popular
and famous
and everyone likes you.
Well done.
Me and Ed like.
Oh.
I don't feel like doing it now.
See what we should do in this podcast?
What?
Tell them all about Blackpool.
Yeah, we should do the Blackpool special.
It would seem appropriate. Yeah, but as it's the Blackpool special, then that means that it is different them all about Blackpool. Yeah, we should do the Blackpool special. It would seem appropriate.
Yeah, but as it's the Blackpool special,
then that means that it is different to all the other weeks.
So here are the things that are coming up on the show today.
Right.
Stuff about Blackpool that we've done.
Yeah.
Tesco update.
Yeah.
Free stuff update.
Right, that's not really Blackpool specific stuff.
Shh, don't say nothing.
And that is it.
Yeah, no, there yeah no complaint letters
this week
why not
because sadly
this is the
Blackpool special
so if you want to
hear about Blackpool
and us getting
barred off the
Pleasure Beach
that really happened
as well
we got barred
Blakey barred us
off on the buses
that's who it was
we'll talk about that
in a second
but can I
sadly there's no
time for complaint
letters this week
have you just not
done one so I didn't bother writing Sadly, there's no time for complaint letters this week. Have you just not done one?
So, I didn't bother writing one because there is no time for it.
You forgot.
I didn't forget.
Well, what's happened then?
Right, I've had a sore knob.
Right, oh God, here we go.
I have had a sore knob, though.
Yeah.
It still is sore.
And that's, it's not, I've not been feeling very funny.
Unless you've got a sore knob because you had a pen up it while you were trying to write
the complaint letter, then that is no excuse. It is an excuse because it's i think your knob is
the fulcrum of your body okay for a boy keeps you balanced yeah for a boy the fulcrum of your body
is a knob yeah and for a lady the fulcrum of your body is your rudy it is no you're really
what women have yeah you're really in the middle of the legs in the middle of it they've got a
rudy in their bum yeah and i think that is
where the fault is yeah but i think for a man it is your knob is your knob and you've you felt a
bit off kilter yeah i don't know what's wrong with it i don't know what's happened yeah i'm
sometimes get kidney stones but i don't i've never passed one or never had a knob stone no i've never
noticed passing one before and i don't know if maybe it's that maybe there's a stone going all
down my knob yeah yeah it could be that be that. Or maybe it could be anything.
Maybe it is having a protester attached to your body.
You think my knob is in protest?
I hope it's not.
It does hurt, though.
It hurts just on the end bit.
You know, the big bit on the end.
It's inside that.
So I don't know if any listeners can help me on that.
Yeah.
On what is wrong with Ray's knob.
Maybe it's a little flea living in there.
Don't say things like that.
That's horrible.
Imagine that if, in the end, right, you just go mad in the night
and you have to chop it open, right, with a knife and a wasp flies out.
I'm not chopping it open.
No matter what happens, I'm not chopping my knob open.
Even if it starts buzzing.
I'll tell you what I've decided, though.
What?
If I go to doctors, right, and they say,
I'm awfully sorry about this, Mr Peacock,
but we're going to have to cut it off.
Otherwise, you'll die in that. Then I gonna have to cut it off right otherwise you'll die
in that
right
then I think I'd go
alright I'll die
or I might go
do you know what
I'm gonna have
a full sex change
if I also have
my nub off
yeah
I'm gonna have
a full sex change
yeah
and wander around
as a lady from now on
that'd be brilliant
because there's no work
to do on the tits
yeah tits are already there
I've got the long hair
keep the beard no no no join long hair. Keep the beard.
No, no, no.
Join the circus.
No, shave the beard off,
put a bit of lippy on.
Hey, Presto.
Nice pretty lady
out of the roly polies.
Have you ordered them ones?
Yeah, I mean,
I think a lot of people
will be walking around going,
I saw that fat lady
off the chef programme
and she's come back to life.
Right.
I'm not doing a podcast
today now.
Forget it.
I've got a sore nub, I told you. You're so sensitive, Clarissa. Yeah, because I'm not doing a podcast today now. Forget it. I've got a sore knob.
I told you.
You're so sensitive, Clarissa.
Yeah, because I'm...
Ray.
Join in with the podcast.
No, I don't like it anymore.
Why?
I don't like it.
I don't like the way you shout at me.
I didn't shout at you.
I didn't have a go at me and hope that I die from knob rot.
I hope it isn't that.
I've not done anything to make me get knob rot. No. God, I hope I've die from knob rot. I hope it isn't that. I've not done anything to make me get
knob rot. No. God, I hope I've not
got knob rot. I hope I've not got
knob rot like a virgin birth.
I hope I've not got virgin knob rot.
I hope I'm getting that. Maybe you have to
dip it in vinegar to perverse it.
Alright, I'll do that towards the end of the show today.
We'll do that instead of the complaint letters.
Alright then. Ray dips his knob in some vinegar.
That's a good sex, isn't it? We should make that a weekly thing. Oh. Alright then. Ray dips his knob in some vinegar. That's a good
section isn't it?
We should make
that a weekly thing.
Oh can I just
say to our fans
who came to
Lincoln on
Saturday night
thank you for
coming to the
show and you
were a great
audience.
Yeah thank you
and we're doing
Bradford Uni on
Tuesday the 6th
so that's tomorrow
night if you're
listening to this
on Monday.
That's true yeah
tomorrow Bradford Uni.
So we're both
doing that one.
I don't know
whether you're
allowed in if
you're not a
Bradford Uni
student.
I don't know.
I don't know.
What are you
fucking asking us
for?
Right it's
okay that's
the admin
out of the way. That's done. Right and I'll tell everyone about Blackpool now Ray. Are you going to join in or not?. I don't know. I don't know. What are you fucking asking us for? Right, it's okay. That's the admin out of the way.
That's done.
Right, I'm going to tell everyone about Blackpool now, Ray.
Are you going to join in or not?
Well, I will listen and see if it's interesting me.
We went Blackpool Pleasure Beach, didn't we?
Yeah.
Had a lovely time on it.
Yeah, got sacked.
Got sacked off it.
Got barred off it, didn't we?
We got sacked.
We were working on Blackpool Pleasure Beach
and got sacked off it.
Yeah, well, we shouldn't have been sacked, I don't think.
No, I would dispute this one.
I think we were just having a lovely time at the fair
like nice boys.
Yeah, and even though we were trying to get sacked, then we shouldn't have been sacked, I don't think. No, I would dispute this one. I think we were just having a lovely time at the fair, like nice boys. Yeah, and even though we were trying to get sacked, then we shouldn't have been in the long run.
I think they should have just been a bit nicer about it.
Yeah, all we were doing most of the time was shouting.
Yeah, and they didn't like that.
Like, kids go to the fair and shout all the time.
And then as soon as two grown men do it, go around shouting, they say it's scary.
Oh, you're frightening the children.
And we weren't.
We weren't.
We were going, whoa.
Yeah, we were going, whoa. And that's us being excited about seeing things. And policemen. Yeah, when we frightening the children. And we weren't. We weren't. We were going, whoa. Yeah, we were going, whoa.
And that's us being excited about seeing things.
And policemen.
Yeah, when we saw the security man.
Policemen.
He became our nemesis.
Yeah, he did.
Blakey from On The Buses.
That's what he looked like.
It was like we were Beano characters.
And he was our nemesis.
He was the figure of authority.
He was the teacher of the Bastard Kids.
Yeah, that always gets in the way and ruins all our pranks.
Yeah.
And he kept telling us off
every ride we went on
we went under rockets
going round and round
oh you can't use
your phone on there
right under
merry-go-round
we've done
what do you call them
animals like big dogs
horses
horses right
went all round
on the horses
oh you can't use
your phone on there
in the ghost train
oh you can't use
your phone on there
even though I was
ringing the police
because the ghosts
I'm not kidding you right
go back to the pledge
it's a thing called
ghost trade
you think it's going
to be a pretend
you go in it right
there are real ghosts
in it
yeah so if you see
a real ghost
do call the police
or Derek Okora
or get 118
and try and find
out where Derek Okora lives
yeah or do the other thing
which is another thing
I tried towards the end
which is just scream
as loud as you possibly can
but they couldn't do you
for that though
no but they did
but they're going on
I was going oh girl you've got to keep quiet oh you for that, though. No, but they did. But going on that, I was going,
oh, girl, you've got to keep quiet.
Oh, you're being too loud.
But there's women on there screaming.
Yeah, exactly.
And children screaming.
Not a fucking word to them lot.
I can't believe it.
Oh, you can't stand next to a stall
and shout scab at the postman Pat Dold.
Why not?
Why not?
Here's a scab.
And then, well, we found out we could record on my phone.
Yeah.
So we got on the big one,
biggest ride in, I think, the world, right? Yeah.
And got on that and recorded the intro that you've just heard at the beginning, right?
Which is brilliant.
And we carried on recording as well all the way around.
All the way around.
A lot of it was screaming.
Yeah, not very good sound.
That's why we not used it.
Yeah.
And then we got off the ride, right?
Yeah.
Blakey from On The Buses follows us down the ramp, right?
For I've told you about using your phone.
Yeah, you can't use your phone.
You can't use your phone. And I went, I didn't. I went told you about using your phone. Yeah, you can't use your phone, you can't use your phone.
Like,
I went,
I didn't.
I went,
it's in my pocket.
Yeah,
and I went,
with a button down.
Yeah,
so I don't,
so we thought,
To make it official.
Yeah,
we thought we had him there,
we thought,
how do we get the button undone on the ride,
right?
And then he pointed at us.
Yeah,
well,
it wasn't at us,
it was just sort of between us.
that's what we thought.
And we both looked at each other,
and then we realised he was pointing through.
At the big bank of screens
with the souvenir photos on.
Yeah, and we were on there on the phones.
There was a picture of us, literally the most incriminating picture ever.
It was bang to right.
I mean, they did get us completely.
Yeah.
But can't trick us out for that.
No, can't trick us out.
And they didn't.
They didn't.
In their defence, they didn't.
So we started going on rides that were mainly inside then.
Yeah, like Valhalla, the wet one.
Yeah, Valhalla,
we went on that four times.
Absolutely soaked.
My favourite ride ever.
And then we went on
Ghost Train again,
a bit more screaming.
Yeah.
And then Alice in Wonderland.
Alice in Wonderland,
which is a bit like
Ghost Train, isn't it?
But for children,
about Alice in Wonderland.
Yeah, I used to like it
as a child.
I used to like Ghost Train
as a child as well.
Yeah.
I liked them both.
Yeah.
But I liked the Alice in Wonderland
ride because they played
the golden ticket music
from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory inside it. Which was a bit incongruous, I thought. I like it. All right like the Edison Wonderland ride because they play the golden ticket music from Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory
inside it
which is a bit
incongruous I thought
I like it
alright
well we all packed
me and you
it felt like a crowd
didn't it
we still did pack
into one
Cheshire cat
you were in the front
I was in the back
I was driving
I was a passenger
went round it once
loved it
absolutely loved it
I suggested that
we should when we go because it was quite quiet it was on it I suggested that we should when we go
because it was quite quiet
it was on Monday we went
so I suggested when it finished
we should get off it
and run top speed
round to the front
and go on it again
which we did
yeah and the girl
who was operating it
she was laughing in fact
yeah she was laughing
it seemed like a boring day for her
and two sort of giddy
possibly disabled fat men
running around
and sitting on the jetty cat
was exciting for her
yeah and they didn't have a chuckle
yeah so we got in there.
Yeah.
Started going round again.
Yeah.
I thought, seen it all before, mate.
Seen it all before.
You know what I mean?
And then there was a suggestion.
I'm not, who did it come from, the suggestion?
I think it was you.
Right, okay.
You're blaming me for this one, aren't you?
Yeah, it was Ed's idea, I think, to do it.
Well, I came up with the idea that, wouldn't it be funny if the people working there saw
us go in and then an empty
cat come out
and then not come out
it was like
what would be
the course of action
if our cat
comes out empty
so we tried it
yeah and it didn't
take any discussion
we didn't go
oh we can't
I mean we both
literally stepped out
of it at the same time
yeah before I'd
finished the idea
straight away
straight out of it
standing still
by this big
massive chess set
and with the queen on it and that, and she moves around it.
And we just, well, I say she moves around it.
She doesn't move around it when there aren't any cats going by.
She just stops, mate. There's a little secret.
They didn't know.
So we just stood there.
And that was when it got a bit weird.
It did get a bit weird because we heard the rumble of another car coming around the corner.
And it was some children, wasn't it?
It was, yeah, a little boy and a more grown-up girl.
And a more grown-up girl, but it was a very little boy, wasn't it?
Oh, the boy was little, yeah.
Yeah, and you decided...
But the girl was probably about 13, 14.
Yeah.
Maybe older than that.
Yeah, but that...
No, I'm saying, though, but it wasn't like two little tots.
Yeah, but there was one little tot.
There wasn't that little of a tot.
All right, you still decided to do your Mad Hatter slash
Leatherface impression. It wasn't!
I played the Mad Hatter once and I played him
really sort of aggressive and violent.
And mad! Did you do it
as an unexpected play?
Did you jump out at people and go, I'm doing a play!
I'm a Mad Hatter!
Right in the child's face. And he cried
like, I mean, that was one of the quickest
cryings I've ever seen. I felt really bad.
There was a little moment of shock and then proper crying.
Yeah.
The car trundled on.
Yeah, off they went.
Off they went.
A few minutes later.
Thinking that's just part of the ride, I imagine.
Yeah.
A few minutes later, lights come up.
Everything stops in the ride, doesn't it?
Yeah, they shut down the ride.
This is what we find out later on.
Apparently, if somebody goes missing in the ride, they shut down the ride.
Footsteps around the corner. We did a very clever thing. ride they shut down the ride footsteps around the corner
we did a very
clever thing
yeah it was
Blakey coming
around the corner
we froze
yeah really still
in a sort of
in an Alice in
Wonderland style
motif
as if he was a
T-Rex and his
vision was based
on movement
but it worked
and he walked
past us
one time
and he only
turned back
because he heard
us laughing
because we laughed
so much
and then marched
us out
right down the
if you've ever
seen the Alice in
Wonderland ride
it's a big ramp
comes out the
outside of it
marches down that
going round in
circles
that felt weird
being marched
out in a circle
straight out the
park
and I'm going
when can we
come back
when can we
come back
and he said
not this season
not this season
not this season so we're season. Not this season.
So we're not barred forever.
No, I mean,
isn't the season nearly over?
Yeah, so we probably
wouldn't have gone back anyway.
So we could go back next year.
Let's go back.
Right, us and all the fans
of the podcast,
we're all going for a day out
at Blackpool Pleasure Beach
on the opening day
next year, 2010.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, deal.
Ed's paying.
Oh, shit.
Competition's fan competition has a winner.
Hooray. The other competition we were running about the iTunes blurbs.
Yeah. About what films they were
relating to.
That's not been one yet.
No, it's not.
People are close.
They're still missing one, though.
They're missing at least one. On the whole, yeah.
Which is,
it's a difficult one,
but if you get it...
Do you know what?
It's astoundingly difficult.
It's astoundingly...
Do you know what?
I think we should just tell them
what episode it was.
Okay.
Episode 15.
Ray and Ed upset their publishers.
Ray and Ed really upset their publisher
by drunkenly denouncing
the content of all their previous books. Yeah, so you're not getting
that. That is a film. Yeah. That is from a film, albeit a film that's perhaps not out
in this country. But it is out, the film is out. It is out. But not in this country. Keep
trying but you've not got it yet. So that Cleopatra poster is still in my possession,
you haven't got that yet. But anyway, competition to win a competition, the winner is Ben Cawthorn.
Hooray for Ben. Ben's entry was as follows.
What happens next?
Ray and Ed come up with a situation to put Fraser in.
Then, next week, contestants put forward what should happen next.
The winner is the person with the funniest idea.
One rule, Fraser cannot die until Ray and Ed say so.
So here's Ed with the opening line of that story.
I was shopping with Fraser in the DIY shop when I suddenly realised he was missing. Right, that's
the first sentence of the story. So do we want
one sentence? We want one sentence, we want the next
bit of that. Okay. The next bit of that.
You can have one, maybe two sentences.
Sick as you like. Yeah, however
sick you want. I mean, bear in mind this is the beginning of the story
so we've got to go somewhere from here.
Yeah. But that's the start of it. You've heard the first line,
now put up the second line and we will announce the
winner of that next week and then we'll start this chain story going. Yeah. And hopefully by the end of it you've heard the first line now put up the second line and we will announce the winner of that next week and then we'll start
this chain story going
yeah
and hopefully by the end of it
it will be illegal
Tesco update
little update about
the present situation
with Tesco just to recap I was chucked out of Tesco essentially yeah for having my about the present situation with Tesco.
Just to recap, I was chucked out of Tesco, essentially.
Yeah.
For having my hood up.
A lot of this podcast seems to be you getting chucked out of stuff.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
Not bad, is it?
I think one day I won't be allowed to record the podcast
because I will be chucked out of my house.
I'll be chucked off my computer.
Yeah.
But anyway, I got chucked out there.
I got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about it.
And people are going, what do you want? What do you want to happen? You're not going
Tesco anymore, are you not? No. What do you want to happen? Don't know. Want to bring
them down to their knees? Yeah. Oh, you'll never bring Tesco down, people are going.
Oh, you'll never bring them down. That won't happen. They're too big a company. Oh, they're
far too big. You'll never bring them down. Ahem, Woolworths. Oh, you'll never bring Tesco
down. Ahem, Woolworths. And that was you, Oh, he's never been Tesco'd out. Woolworths. And that was the year,
was it?
Came into it.
Right, so here's an update
on what's happening
with Tesco.
And we just had some
breaking news as well.
Yeah.
Because we're recording
this, it's Sunday.
If you're listening to it
on Monday, we're recording
this yesterday.
Yeah.
And we just had some
breaking news,
which I'll tell you
about in a moment.
But some people
have wrote to us.
Gavin Almond has
wrote in,
demanding a public
apology on television
to me by Tesco.
Yeah, well, quite rightly.
That is one of the
things that I want.
I do want that. I want a public apology by Tesco on telly. And I want Mr.
Tesco, stood in the middle, right? And I want all the people that have ever done voiceovers for the Tesco adverts lined up behind him, but with sad faces and very funeral-like clothes.
Who is Mr. Tesco? What does he look like? Billy Tesco. Billy Tesco. It's Billy Tesco,
isn't it? But I want them all at the back like Don French
and old David Jason
and all that lot.
I want them all lined up.
I like that.
All with their head bowed.
And Billy Tesco
at the front right
just going with his
walking stick and that.
He looks a bit like
Richard Attenborough
but you know
in Jurassic Park.
Okay, alright.
He looks like that.
Yeah.
That's how he looks
and he just stumbles forward
with his little walking stick.
Hello, I'm Billy Tesco.
Hello, I am Billy Tesco.
And I want him to go we are terribly sorry to Ray Peacock for doing the chucking him out.
And the staffing question has been tapped.
And here is a special plastic pass, which means that you can do shopping for free in Tesco all your life.
And then they all put their heads up.
Yeah, and I won't even use it.
I will give it a nomeless.
Jack Metcalf.
Love you, little Jack.
We'll talk about
jack later on as well but he wrote a slightly intelligent letter did he it's only slightly
yeah to tesco he wrote it all out it said on it the byline was fight the power okay which i thought
was ironic given that jack works at starbucks i thought there was a slight discrepancy there
but yeah i think considering he works at starbucks well maybe he's bringing down the system from the
inside possibly so but why is he working at Starbucks and bringing down Tesco?
Okay.
Yeah?
Alex Crone wrote a Tesco letter.
Well, he wrote to Tesco complaining, and I'll be arsed.
We don't normally read out the letters, but I'll read this one out.
Alex Crone wrote,
Dear Tesco, fuck's sake, regards, Alex Crone.
And I thought that was bang on the money.
That's exactly right.
He's captured the spirit of this.
That's exactly what's going on here.
The things that have been happening in the news about Tesco,
because it seems that since we started doing this,
I'm not saying that we're responsible for this,
but since we've been having our little Tesco campaign,
our little Tesco prod,
that things have been happening.
There have been a lot of Tesco news.
People have started kicking off, haven't they?
Yeah, there was the little lad dressed as a Jedi.
Yeah, chucked him out.
Chucked out.
He was in the news after we started this.
Last week, or I think it was the week before last,
Kev Mara sent us a thing on the podcast page
about a bloke in Andover, Robert Caton in Andover.
Yeah.
Now, I love this story, but one thing ruins it.
Okay.
One thing ruins this story, and I'm really disappointed in it.
He basically had been having a bit of a row with his local Tesco
over a bed.
He'd bought a bed there, apparently.
Right, well, if you're going to buy a bed from Tesco...
I mean, you are asking for trouble, aren't you?
I would have thought.
But he got so wound up with the whole situation,
he drove his Rolls Royce through Tesco's window.
So he had a Rolls Royce?
Yeah, he had a 1983 Rolls Royce.
Why was he buying a bed from Tesco then?
He just ploughed it into the supermarket.
I mean, that's what happened.
But also, apparently, he'd drunk two bottles of whiskey.
Right.
Which ruined it for me.
Yeah.
I didn't like that it was his drunk.
Okay.
And I also don't know why he drove it into the window
unless he thought
that would be a good
swap for a bed.
I would drive me
a Rolls Royce in there
and swap it for a bed.
Will that work
if you're pissed?
You know,
you can,
that's the sort of
logic you can have,
isn't it?
I thought the thing
that the judge said,
because it's bent
to court this,
and you want to
talk to him,
he honestly,
he got arrested
for it,
no problem.
Quick wrap on the rest.
Yeah.
It was Judge Keith Cutler
and he said a very interesting thing.
He said,
if every citizen of this country
who felt aggrieved
against a shop or a bank
acted like you,
there would be complete mayhem.
Frustration is no defence
or mitigation.
I take great exception with that.
Well, surely that's more
of an indictment
on the state of customer services.
Completely it is.
It should say,
if every shop or bank
did their fucking job,
it'd be utopia, this country. Yeah, there
would be fucking mayhem because they can't do their fucking
job and everyone would be flipping out.
If everyone flipped out, then customer
services would get better because they'd just be scared.
Yeah, if every citizen of this
country who felt aggrieved against a shop or bank
acted like you, customer service would
greatly improve.
So I'm not telling you what to do, but if you've got a Roll improve. So, I'm not telling you
what to do,
but if you've got a Rolls Royce,
I'm not saying that
you can't drive it
through a Tesco window.
It is your choice
in the end.
And this is the
stop press thing
we've just had.
I've literally just
had this email to me,
which has been
in the Sunday papers today,
about a Tesco store
in Clacton, Essex,
where apparently
security guards
beat up a disabled teenager
because they thought
he was shoplifting.
Okay.
Right?
Do you know why?
Why?
Because his mum
had given him
a bit of chicken.
When they were shopping
she got some chicken
and she gave him
a little bit of chicken.
Yeah.
Right?
Which apparently
the quote is
it's what I usually do
and it keeps him quiet
while we are shopping.
Right, okay.
Fair enough.
I'm the same.
I'm the same.
This is Jenny Roche
or Roche is it?
She's his mum.
Charlie Roche
is the teenager.
Yeah. Apparently his disability
he's got a bit
a part of his brain
missing
that affects
This was in Essex was it?
That affects behaviour.
This is in Clacton in Essex.
Tesco in Clacton in Essex.
I mean it doesn't really matter
that he's disabled.
It's like
Well it does to him.
Well no I mean
it doesn't matter
within the story
that he's disabled.
No no no.
Because essentially
what happened was
according to the story
security guards just twatted the fuck out of him.
For having a bit of loose chicken?
Yeah, but in Tesco.
I don't know how that would even look like it was shoplifting, though.
I tell you what.
That it was a bit of loose chicken.
Like he'd gone behind the deli counter,
like some sort of food ninja,
and just snuck a bit out of the box and walked around eating it.
But either way, I don't care if he'd put an entire chicken down his trousers
and was walking out the doors.
That doesn't warrant smacking
him in the face. No. Or having his arm up
his back and kicking him when he's on the floor, which apparently
is what happened as well. And it only stopped because there was
an off-duty copper in there who told them to stop.
Did he have his hood up though? Oh, maybe that was it.
Yeah. I'll tell you what, Tesco,
seriously, you've got to sort out your security.
Yeah. If this is true, or even if there's a modicum
of truth in this story, you've
got to sort out your security
they're really heavy handed
and something needs
to be done
otherwise
I'm going to start
an army
right
it's going to be called
an Ed's Elpin
even if he doesn't want to
it's the Peacock and Gamble Army
right
we're going to rise up
and we're going to
take on your security guards
in the car park
after Tesco is shut
right
I will help right
but I don't really want to
yeah but you've got to
I'll come right
you just give me a bit of chicken
and I'll keep quiet
alright
yeah I will if you're whinging about being, right, you just give me a bit of chicken and I'll keep quiet. Alright,
yeah,
I will.
If you're whinging about being there,
I'll just give you a bit of chicken and you'll keep quiet about that.
Yeah,
that's what,
right,
and I mean that,
I mean,
it sounds like a joke,
I mean it.
If all Tesco security guards
want to take on me and my army,
round the back of Tesco
is when it's shut,
it's fucking on,
right,
that is on.
Right,
you know what I'm going to do,
right?
What?
I'm going to put you in a trolley,
right, and I'm going to push you in a trolley, right?
And I'm going to push you out the security guards full pelt, right?
And it will go well fast and you'll be like the big ball in Indiana Jones, right?
And you'll take them all out like security guard bowling.
I've got a better idea.
What?
Let's just arrange the fight and then just go in Tesco on the rob.
Because all the security guards will all be out the back waiting for our fight.
Lock the doors.
Because they're all thugs by the sound of it.
Yeah.
Certainly from the information I'm getting from the press at the moment after my own
press experience
Tesco security guards
are fucking thugs
and let's get them
out of there
and then go in there
right and nick all
the top trumps
but keep that quite
right that is the
master plan
over all this Tesco
shit I don't care
how they operate
the business
I just want free
top trumps
alright it's time for Clock Cat now
oh well we watched
Watch Dogs and the List
and didn't have to
yeah that one
did you watch it
no
I didn't watch it either
alright because Sky Plastic
for next week
yeah alright
sorry about that cancelled
so the next day
we went back to Blackpool
yeah we thought hey come on let's get barred from another thing.
We even said it on the podcast Facebook page.
Yeah, that we were going to try and get barred.
We were going to try and get barred from Louis Tussauds.
Louis Tussauds.
We thought we'd go for the second cup.
We'd go for the bra.
Which is the way, yeah, if you get two cups, you get a bra.
Yeah, we went to Louis Tussauds, which is, he is a relation of some sorts to Madame Tussauds.
Disabled brother, we reckon, by the state of some of the waxworks.
With one hand.
Yeah.
He is a one-handed disabled brother.
So we went in there and we properly misbehaved.
We misbehaved immediately as well.
I mean, I'd say no sooner was your ticket money in a tild
than you were bombing Lawrence Goyle and Bowen.
I was right behind him, wasn't I?
Yeah.
I mean, because that was the thing.
The best thing about it is, is you're allowed to take photos in there,
or it didn't say you couldn't.
Yeah.
And it never said anywhere,
don't touch the waxworks.
Yeah,
don't bum the waxworks.
Yeah,
don't undress the waxworks.
Don't kiss the waxworks.
Yeah.
Don't break the waxworks.
Don't go up
at Marion Monroe's frock.
I bet everyone does that.
Yeah,
I reckon they do as well.
But not everyone looks up
Whoopi Goldberg's habits.
That was dirty, wasn't it? It was. It felt wrong, didn't it? I don't mean what we found. well. But not everyone looks up Whoopi Goldberg's habits. That was dirty, wasn't it?
It was.
It felt wrong, didn't it?
I don't mean what we found.
I mean...
It was lovely, Whoopi,
if you're listening.
Whoopi, if anything,
you should be very proud of yourself.
You've got an A-grade Rudy, Whoopi.
You've got a proper nice Rudy
in there, Whoopi,
so don't you worry about that.
Your Rudy was better
than Angelina Jolie's one.
Yeah, it was a lovely Rudy, mate.
We got our top Rudys out,
didn't we?
Yeah.
Angelina Jolie,
we did that. Again, the staff, nothing. I stole Winona Ryder's top Rudys out, didn't we? Yeah. And Gina Jolie. We did that.
Again, the staff, nothing.
I stole Winona Ryder's handbag and said,
see how she likes it.
Nothing.
They just laughed that off.
Thought I was hilarious.
Now, earlier I said there was no sign saying,
don't break the waxworks.
Obviously, that should be a given, right?
Yeah, yeah.
But what happened...
I didn't break it on purpose.
Well, you went to meet Barack Obama, didn't you?
Yeah, because I like him. Yeah, and
it was a thing where you could take a photo of you
shaking his hand, because he had his hand outstretched.
Yep. You forgot it was a
waxwork and not a human. I don't
know why they can't employ someone.
Right, if they're going to do that, if they're going to
go, have your photos up with Barack Obama,
I don't understand why they can't go, right,
here's what we'll do. We'll push Barack Obama right against
this wall here. Yeah. Right, we'll cut a little hole in the wall
we'll employ a man
yeah
to stick his arm through
but I don't
why can't they do that
so instead I went
I shook his hand
yeah
it said shake hand
you shook his hand off
I shook his arm off
and it stayed in his jacket
yeah
but I could feel it was loose
and you were worried
that you were going to have to stay there forever
holding his arm on
well there's a queue of people.
And then they're going, oh, Ed, I don't have dislocated Barack Obama's arm.
And we had to stand there and then had to let it slowly go to the floor.
Well, I was busy touching up Princess Di.
And I ran over and you were holding onto Barak's hand.
If I may call him Barak.
I think we got to know each other that day.
Holding his hand going, will I have to stay here forever.
He was frightening.
It was terrifying.
And in the Chamber of Horrors, afterwards as well, we got in bed with Linda Blair off
The Exorcist.
And don't forget, they had this little tabloid bit where it's the bed for The Exorcist with
the vicar near it.
Yeah.
And Linda Blair in the bed, right, all in the dark, actively, as we found out when we
used the flash on the camera.
Because it just looked terrible.
It looked like a lime on a toothpick.
Yeah, but we got in bed with her.
And she was underage
when she made that film.
I know.
Even if she was possessed
by a 300-year-old demon,
she's still underage.
That makes it alright, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Or does it?
If they've got a 300...
Yeah, there is precedent
in court for that.
If you sleep with
an underage child
who has been possessed
by an overage demon,
that is alright.
They take the
average.
But still no
boring.
No.
Not having none of
it.
It was like it was
all YTS there that
day and they were
going we didn't make
them.
You can break them
all you want mate.
I don't care.
Do you know what?
When I watched you
sat there on that
piano next to Elton
John with your hand
down in front of his
trousers I thought
that was hilarious.
I thought that was
brilliant Ed. So we tried to up our game
we followed the man round
for a bit
yeah
and every time he stood still
we took a photo of him
yeah
right
and he sort of chuckled
but I don't think he understood
what the joke was
no
like we thought he was a wax work
yeah but
he was chuckling to start with
but then he was worried
that we were stalking him
yeah but then I wanted
I thought he should have
just gone and complained
about us
he should have gone
to the front desk
and complained about us and got us thrown out yeah even about us. He should have gone to the front desk and complained about us
and got us thrown out.
Yeah, even though if he'd gone to the front desk,
we would have followed him still shouting,
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods.
Yeah, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods.
He looked like Tiger Woods.
All right, he was a different skin colour, I admit that.
And all right, he was a lot older and probably shorter.
God, I mean, why didn't he complain about us?
I don't know.
So his dad went to two swords.
Try and get barred.
Got failed.
Yeah.
Didn't win it at all.
And I thought that would be good.
I thought this would be a brilliant end to the podcast today.
And all we have got out of it is some photos that we will put on our Facebook page.
Because we were allowed to take photos.
I mean, we couldn't even sneakily take photos.
Because we were allowed to take photos.
So we took photos of a sexually assaulted Angelina Jolie and Whoopi Goldberg.
And we're going to put them on the internet today.
You can go and look at them
and we're not even going to get in trouble for it.
I didn't even bother writing a letter this week.
I'm not going to write a complaint letter.
I don't need to
because we've got to put an end to the show
when we get bored from Two Swords.
Everyone will be laughing
and carrying us on their shoulders
around Blackpool Front.
And what happens is
the Two Swords just laugh it off.
It's like they are the sort of people
I've always wanted to meet.
The sort of people that don't take it seriously. And's like they are the sort of people I've always wanted to meet. The sort of people
that don't take it seriously.
And yet I meet them on a day
when I want them to.
This has been the worst podcast
there's ever been, ever.
Because we haven't got
barred from the Louis Tussauds
on Blackpool Front.
I hate Louis Tussauds
on Blackpool Front now
because they've got
let's get away with it.
It got to us that much that when we
went around and met
Michael Jackson right
we were that depressed
about getting barred
we couldn't think of
anything funny to do.
Free stuff.
Yeah I got some.
Yeah I know you got
some.
I've got nothing mate.
You've had stuff over
the years though.
Over the years when
we've been recording
this you got that cap
didn't you with Peacock and Gamble written on it. Yeah well what we're going to do is send years though over the years when we've been recording this you got that cap didn't you with peacock and
gamble written on it
yeah well what
we were going to do
is send them to
girls for
our naked pictures
we've done
well the bobble
hat is gone
by the way
thank you to the
girls that sent
us naked pictures
but as you wish
we're not going
to say your names
or your name
I should say
you dirty girl
so I got
I mean I've
very subtly
over the past
few weeks
been doing
subliminal messages
on the podcast.
See, someone told me about this.
I'd not even picked up on this.
I know.
Apparently, you've been asking for a harmonica, and I genuinely never picked up on it.
We have subliminal messages.
Yeah.
I've been doing harmonica, and I got more than one.
Yeah, well, can I have one or not?
I've got four now.
Yeah, well, I must be allowed one of them.
I got three from Chester Travis, who works at Hank's Guitar Shop on Denmark Street in London. And they're proper good ones as well, I must be allowed one of them. I got three from, um... I got three from Chester Travis. Yeah.
Who works at Hank's Guitar Shop on Denmark
Street in London. And they're proper good ones as well, aren't they?
Yeah, they're fucking brilliant. They're Hohner
ones, right? And he got me an E cross
harp, an A pro harp, and a C
pro harp. Okay, can I have one of them, then? No, you can't
because they're all different ones and I need them for my band. What band?
Right, Monika band. What Monika
band? I just need them for it. You can have
the one that Jack got me.
Oh, why?
The shit one?
Because Jack Metcalfe got me one.
I felt ever so bad.
Because he presented it to me at a gig.
Yeah.
So Bratton, a comedy seller,
and he went,
yeah, Ray, I got you a present.
I'm Monica.
And I got them three posh ones that morning.
And I felt bad,
but me luck, I didn't say nothing.
You know, I just let Jack believe.
Yeah, he didn't announce it on stage or anything.
Yeah, I didn't say that I'd got them
from Hank's Guitar Shop in London
and that they were miles better.
And I think now to close the show, I will do a bit of Monica playing.
I'll play us out, never mind this stupid little girl saying all that business.
Podcast.
Yeah, you do it.
All right.
Instead, right, you do the outro and I will play the music for it.
And also, I think there's not enough national pride in this podcast.
I've felt.
Let's wave the flag for Queen and Country which I don't agree
with. Ready? Action.
Hey, it's the
end of the Peacock and Gamble podcast
now. Thanks so much
for listening to it. It's been a
big enough production. Hey, stand
up, it's the National Anthem. Put your hand on
your head.
And thanks to chortle.co.uk put your hand on your head.
And thanks to chortle.co.uk for putting it on the website.
Thank you, Chortle.
Anyway, we've had a good time and I want an harmonica, so send me that.
And most of all, thanks to the Queen for being saved by God.
But that's the end now. See you next week.
I touched the Queen's tit in Louis Tewsford.