The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 20

Episode Date: June 9, 2019

"Episode 20" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 20 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. It's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop. Boop boop boop boop boop. Salt and pepper's here. Salt salt salt salt. Salt and pepper's here. I think we should change our name to Salt and Pepper.

Do you think it might confuse people? No, let's do from now on this podcast called the Salt-N-Pepa Podcast. Do you think then we can sort of get into their fan market? We can sort of draw a lot of the Salt-N-Pepa fans over to us? I can't see one solitary reason why not. Which one are you, anyway? Salt-N-Pepa. Oh, who am I?

Spinderella. You're Spinderella on the decks, mate. How do you know the name of Salt-N-Pepa. Oh, who am I? Spinderella. What? You're Spinderella on the decks, mate. How do you know the name of Salt-N-Pepa's DJ? I am being Salt-N-Pepa at the front. With an S on my cap and a P as well. And you are Spinderella on the decks at the back. Firstly, Salt-N-Pepa's DJ was called Spinderella. Yeah.

That is a brilliant name. That is true, no? Secondly, how did you know that? Because of Smash Hits. I smashed hits when I was younger, right? I didn't know it was meant to be for girls. My grandma used to buy it for me. I used to get smash hits every week.

Yeah, and then... Eventually, my grandma started calling it The Hits. I just thought... As time went on, yeah. Yeah, that's good. She got down with it, man. Anyway, I don't even need to speak to you anymore. Why?

Because I am a multimillionaire. Thank you very. Why? Because I am a multi-millionaire. Thank you very much. Yeah I think you're a bit confused. Multi-millionaire now. So I don't even need to do this stupid podcast anymore because

I have just had a special credit card come through the post. No you've had a new bank card come through. Yeah because I got frauded. Because you got

defrauded. Got frauded last week. You got defrauded. Frauded. Defrauded. Just defrauded. I got frauded last week. Here's how I found out and this is a bad thing this I got frauded last week. Here's how I found out, and this is a bad thing, this.

Right. As an adult male, here's how I found out that I'd been frauded on the internet. Defrauded. Right. I was trying to pay on PlayStation 3, on the PlayStation 3 network, I was trying to pay for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle game. Right, which is a rehash of the old game. Yeah.

The old scroller sort of beat-em-up one. And it wouldn't accept my payment. Cards felt valid. Cards not valid. Yeah. I old scroller sort of beat them up one and it wouldn't accept the payment. Cards felt valid, cards not valid. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? It's probably because

usually they don't accept cards for that game and they accept change from a jar. Yeah, or a bit of pizza. Yeah. Right,

and I was getting really, really angry about it so I went to the bank and went, look, I've had enough of this, I'm trying to pay for something with a card,

it's not happening. Not telling you what. Yeah, it doesn't matter what it was and they went, oh, we're going to put you through to the fraud squad. And they spoke to me and said, yeah, we think your card's been stolen. So anyway, the point is, is they now have given me a new card.

Yeah. Because somebody had spent £30 on Vodafone, which I haven't got that. Yeah. And £1.58 off iTunes, and I haven't got that. Right. But no, I've got iTunes. You've got that. But I didn't pay on it.

Right. So that wasn't me. And I bet you, it would be just my luck that what they bought was somebody else's podcast. And it was literally that one sale made it go higher than me in the charts. Right. Oh, just you? Yeah, me. Because you're not in this anymore, because it's now called a Millionaire Salt and Pepper podcast.

But anyway, I got a new card today, right? Visa card, right? Guess what it says on it? What? I've now got £29 million. Where does it say that? There, look. Right.

In that little blue bubble thing. Your Visa card is accepted at three times more retailers globally than your existing card. The spending... Providing access to 29 million... 29 million! 29 million retail outlets.

Yeah. 29 million retail outlets across 160 countries. I stopped reading after that. 160? No, look what it says. It says, providing access to 29 million. Whoa. Right.

So you've got 29 million pounds, have you? All the podcast listeners, whatever present you want, write in and I will buy it you. Because I am a millionaire with 29 million. What else do you want? That's the intro. Come on. I mean, I'm surprised you're even here today anyway.

Why? I was expecting you not to be here after you got trapped in that house with that old man with the balloons on the top. And it is for your weight or whatever happens next in the film or when it's in the trailer. I've seen the whole thing. Yeah, when it's in the trailer. Yeah, when the premiere, didn't I? Yeah. We'll get a premiere, didn't I?

Yeah. We'll get a premiere, won't you? Yeah. It's a very special recording this week as well. Think about it. Because we've got a live link up. Right. Right.

And some people will say, hang on, this isn't right. This is just because you said a few weeks ago if people want to record their own podcast and send it in, then they can. And somebody obviously has done that. Well, no, that's not what's happened. That isn't what's happened, actually. We're actually going to have a live link up now

to the Peacock and Gamble podcast, the Welsh one. Yeah, the Welsh Peacock and Gamble. Yeah. You won't know this, right? Because, I mean, most people who listen to this are in normal countries, right? But also, in Wales, right, they do one. Yeah, and they've got the internet.

They've got the internet, right, and they do a Peacock and Gamble. Well, they've not got the internet. They have to send us the files, and we they've got the internet they've got the internet right and they do a peacock well they've not got the internet they have to send us the files and we put it on the internet forum um so let's go over and listen to our welsh counterparts and peacock and gamble let's go let's go have a listen to what they're doing my name is david evans but i'm not a mad gamble sending in a podcast with the peacock and and Campbell podcast. I am a B&R Peacock instead, even though my name's Adam Gilder instead, and it's a different one.

And I am really big and he's really small, but probably roughly the same weight. Except actually that's probably not true, I'm probably bigger because I am fat as well, even though I am big. I'll be honest with you, I can't understand a word of that. I don't have a clue what they were on about. I have no idea what a word that was.

It's all about the beach. It was all in Welsh, wasn't it? Yeah, it was all Welsh, that, mate. I mean, it's good. I mean, well done, but I don't... I think they had their mouths full of lava bread. Yeah, I think they were on a leak. So that is a good one, isn't it, about whales?

With a dragon as well. Yeah, with a dragon. I think they were in a choir yeah I think they were playing Rebunion

at a choir with a leak on it so there's a bit of a bit of whale shit and sad news this week as well mate Ed

what why would somebody want to kill Stephen Gately I don't think he was killed though was he I think it's horrible

isn't it yeah but no I don't think he was murdered why would somebody kill him murder him I don't think he was killed, though, was he? I think it's horrible, isn't it? Yeah, but I don't think he was murdered. Why would somebody kill him and murder him? I don't think anyone did murder him, did they? They said that it was on an accident on his lung. Yeah, but there's that rumour, isn't there, though? No. No, there is a rumour, though, that he was killed. Where did you hear that rumour?

I've got a policeman, the Spanish policeman. I'm sure he said it. I'm sure he said that they thought it might be a murder. Where did you meet a Spanish policeman? In Spain. Why have you been in Spain? Mallorca? Fish Inn. Have you been in Mallorca, Ray? I didn't do it.

Why would I? Why would I do it? Well, you're looking pretty suspicious. I didn't kill Paul Yates either. That wasn't me. Right. Yates, either. That wasn't me. Right. Surely, I'm not suggesting that I killed him.

No one was, but you seem to be. I wouldn't do that. Why would I do that? I don't know. I mean, all right, his voice upset me no matter what. But I wouldn't get obsessed with it to the point of murder. You did a joke about Stephen Catelyn as well, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I did.

Because when you're a comedian, right, what you've got to do when someone famous dies, right, is you've got to do a brilliant joke about it just to prove that you're edgy

and that, right? This is what I've learned over the years from all different comedians, right? I did it like when Michael Jackson died.

You've got to get on your Twitter quick and start doing all the brilliant jokes about it, right? Just to show that you don't care and you're edgy

and that, right? Now, I missed it with Michael Jackson. I forgot to do it. Yeah. Right? But with Stephen Gately, I've got a brilliant one, right? Okay, I'll do my Stephen Gately joke now. Hey!

Oh! No, that's not it. Right. Wait, I'm trying to remember it in my head. Because I've not got a problem with Stephen Gately. No. I think he's quite a nice boy. He's a quite nice boy.

Yeah. And also, it's often for being a gay. No,'s quite a nice boy. And also, out of top of him for being a gay. No, because it's difficult, isn't it, in this profession that he was in.

And out of top of him for... What, show business? Yeah, because you don't get a lot off me showing up. It was very difficult for poor Stephen Gately

to come out as a gay working in show business. No, I meant being in a boy band and all. Right, okay. And he was probably

blackmailed to do it as well, I would imagine. Probably like that newspaper he probably knew that he was gay andmailed to do it as well, I would imagine. Probably like that newspaper probably knew that he was gay. Right, okay. And went, right, either you do the story

of it with us or we're just going to out you. Yeah. So, but anyway, here's my brilliant joke about Stephen Gatlin. And please don't take

it personal, boys own. The rest of you and Louis thing. Anyway, they're singing about his funeral anyway. Well, that's a relief. Yeah, one of the harmonies is going to be out.

It's going to be slightly flat. Right, here's my joke. No, don't you do your joke. I'm doing my joke. All right, sorry. Yeah, one of the harmonies is going to be out. It's going to be slightly flat. Right, here's my joke. No, don't you do your joke. I'm doing my joke. All right, sorry. Hey, oh, Stephen Gettner's died. That is a shame.

And more of a shame is he's not going to go heaven, is he not? Why not? Because he's flying without wings. Did you get it? No, because... He's flying without wings. But that was Westlife. People crack up when they hear me do that wings. But that was Westlife. People crack up when they hear me do that joke.

But that was Westlife, right? Brilliant joke. Hey, someone put a link. Alan McAvoy, it was, put a link on our page, on the fan page. Yeah. Which I think has gone now. Okay. It doesn't seem to be working anymore.

Which was, I don't really, I couldn't really work out what it was. It seems to be somebody writing to a problem page. Oh, you showed me this. On Yahoo. Yeah. And we're just trying to look at it now and we couldn't get it up. It's gone now, isn't it? Yeah, it doesn't seem to be there.

For reasons of taste, possibly. I don't know. Or maybe it's because it was fake. I think it was fake. Okay. Because it was a letter saying a woman had an amputee son. Right. Who, she'd been masturbating. Yeah, because he couldn it was fake. Okay. Because it was a letter saying a woman had an amputee son Right. who she'd been masturbating.

Yeah, because he couldn't do it. Because he couldn't do it and she hadn't told her husband. He was 14 years old and she'd been helping him to masturbate. See, what I couldn't remember was whether it was if it said that he had both arms missing.

I thought it only said one arm. One arm. Like, it's just one arm. I go, Mum! I've only got one arm. Come and wake me up. No! Mum, I can't suck my own nub Mum come and suck it for me

Mum I've got a cold come and have full sex with me Mum I don't have a vagina and a penis can I put my penis inside your vagina Mum Mum I've got no arms but I want to try vagina and a penis. Can I put my penis inside your vagina, Mum? Mum, I've got no arms, but I want to try bestiality. Will you get the dog for me? I like the idea of it being true. Dirty bastard.

I mean, surely, I mean, wouldn't he just be going, no, Mum, what are you doing? If he was missing both arms, just go, no,'s fine imagine if he just woke up and that was happening go mum at what point did i ask for this no no dear i just i just got you had subtle sort of like hints that i should be doing it and mum you're timmy you are disabled you're disabled and you are 14 and you can't do this don't worry I'm doing it for you mum so yeah

so that may or may not have happened I hope it didn't yeah I hope it didn't either but what would be the moral etiquette of that though

I mean if it is 14 year old just don't do it just don't I think general etiquette don't let your mum wake you off yeah don't whack her

I think general moral etiquette don't whack off your son yeah in an ideal world no but if he's there, he's a 14-year-old, he's got urges. Yeah.

He's, you know, he's getting his bonk-ons and that. He's got interesting girls or boys maybe and he's, you know, wants to, you know, wants to rub the lamp and see if the genie comes out.

Oh, Christ, that's horrible. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he can't. He's got no arms. So what, I mean, would it be? Well, I'd imagine

if your mum rubbed your lamp to see if the genie came out, the first of your three wishes would be, I wish that hadn't happened. Well, I think maybe would it be? Well, I'd imagine if your mum rubbed your lamp to see if the genie came out, the first of your three wishes would be, I wish that hadn't happened. I think maybe it would be a better thing for her to maybe pay for a prostitute. Get a prostitute. Maybe.

Even just getting his sister to do it. But then again, I mean, if that had been me when I was that age, I mean, even now. Yeah, your mum's a bit tight with the money, isn't she? But I can't say to my mum, right, get a prostitute. Yeah. Because, I mean, it would have bankrupted him. Yeah.

So you don't want this young lad to bring his mum to her knees. Well, later on. Maybe. Mum! So I don't know what your thoughts are. I don't know what our listeners' thoughts are, whether you think it is all right for your mum to wank you off. Let us know on the Facebook page. We'll start up a discussion. Yeah. Is it all right for your mum to wank you off let us know on the Facebook page

we'll start up a discussion is it alright for your mum to wank you off or not we're going to have a definitive answer to that hopefully next week see the Tesco boss that Terry Terry Leahy, this week. Bloody Leahy. Yeah, been criticising the education in this country. Yeah.

Or I guess in the UK, I guess he was criticising. Was he? Yeah, he was going that it's substandard education and that big business like his self are left to pick up the pieces. What? Yeah, the implication being that his staff and that are all like mongs and that, they're all like mongs and that.

That's how I talk anyway. Yeah. And I think that's fair comment. Yeah. Yeah, fair comment. I mean, I don't think

that's a widespread thing, Terry Lee. No. I think the problem with it is, he's only a fucking idiot who would want to work at Tesco.

Only someone with a mental deficiency would want to work at Tesco. If Tesco weren't hiring idiots, right, then everyone would have to stay in school. Yeah, I mean...

Because they couldn't go, Oh, I'm going to leave at 15 and push a trolley. Yeah, who's at school going, Right, what do you want to be? Astronaut. What do you want to be? Footballer. What do you want to be?

I want to work at Tesco. I see it as a viable career path. I'd like nothing more than to wake up every morning with no fucking sense of hope. He's a cheeky fucker isn't he there to say that.

I mean he's literally just dissed all his stuff. Oh T. Lee He. T. Lee He you absolute T. Ool. Let's have another little listen to what the Welsh pickock and gambler are up to at the moment. Oh, Christ, here we go. Oh, hello.

I'm a peacock. And I'm Ed Gamble. Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog, Fred the Frog. Right, I think, what they just, that was Fred the Frog, wasn't it? Yeah. That's the song, I mean, that's not. Fred the Frog. Yeah, I mean, they can't sing, can they, the Welsh?

No. Say what you like about them, they can't sing. No. I meant to tell you last week week when we were talking about Blackpool Pleasure Beach yeah you know where the Valhalla is yeah the big water ride

the big water ride yeah my favourite ride that used to be a fun house cool a bit burnt down like Pat Sharp yeah similar to that but this one burnt down

I don't know if Pat Sharp's my favourite did alright it burnt down I think it was an arson thing I think okay I seem to recall

whatever it was anyway I mean they've had loads of things like that at Blackpool Pleasure Beach yeah I'm amazed it's still open yeah because like the grand national that caught fire yeah um someone fell off the grand national and died yeah the big ones crashed umpteen times yeah the big dipper crashed recently yeah loads of space and space and weather ones crashed i think uh what other ones have crashed all

crashed yeah i mean pretty much everything's crashed yeah the ticket office ticket office is always four people died yeah no the ticket office. The ticket office is always crashing. Four people died. Yeah, no, the ticket office. That's allegedly that one. But anyway, in the funhouse, and one of the funniest things that ever happened to me happened in that funhouse, and I remembered it. When I was listening back to the podcast last week, I was reminiscing about Blackpool and the time I spent there. Because I've been there lots and lots of times.

I've had some brilliant days there. When I was, I think I was 11 or 12 or something like that. Me and Ashley. Remember Ashley we spoke about? From the diaries? On the diaries, yeah. Me and Ashley went to Blackpool Pleasure Week. What about Sass Cracker and Banger?

No, I didn't really socialise with them outside of school. No, probably too busy getting pissed. But me and Ashley were in that funhouse one day on a day out at Blackpool and a brilliant thing happened. There was like a thing, like a spinning wheel on the floor.

Right. Used to be in it. It wasn't like just a wheel. It had like a barrier around it. It was like, imagine someone got a tub of Dairy Lee, right? of dairy and took all of the triangles out yeah and then they put it on the floor right and then put like a drilled through right and put like a screw in it so that it spun around okay it had a mechanical thing on it to spin it around right but it's all made of wood

as well okay right i mean that's probably the quickest way of explaining what it was yeah and much bigger for humans yeah like human um if they're really if the derri-lee triangles were the size of a boy yeah it was like a human hamster wheel yeah but laid down on its side i think mechanical bits with all mechanical bits and drilled for the middle bit a spinning tub yeah that's pretty much the quickest way i think i can explain that but we were on it it was we stayed on it for loads of the day it was really fun to be on it and this little kid got on it who when he got on it was already looking kind of green okay he already looked quite sick and he got on it started spinning and it spanned around really fast i think it was 100 mile an hour it might have been a million

it was something like that it was one of them too and it spanned you around it basically pinned your back against against the wall like central fecal force yeah totally, totally. The little lad, we were just watching him, he was in a sheer panic. Okay. Because you could tell something was wrong. And then very suddenly he was sick. Right? He just vomited.

And it was the most amazing thing you've ever seen. But because of the central fecal force, he was sick. The sick came out of his mouth, sort of hung in the air, for what seemed like a few seconds, it was probably a millisecond, but it hung in the air,

and then reversed its trajectory and went straight back onto him. Oh God! Right,, it was probably a millisecond, but it hung in the air and then reversed its trajectory and went straight back onto me. Oh, God. Right, so he was sick, outwards, but then back. It's like the world went, like nature went, you're not being sick on me. I'm throwing that. It was like someone had used a force push.

Yeah. And they'd just gone, no. And it just was sick back in his face. All over him, Jesus. And he was so confused. Yeah. He didn't know why the sick hadn't just gone away. He pushed it out of his mouth,

but it ended up in a little pool in his jumper. And it's the sort of thing you go, that should have made everybody sick on that ride. But it was too funny. We were too busy laughing to be sick. Right, competition time. Cool. Where our listener...

Our listener. Our listener, yeah. Our listeners have the opportunity to carry on the story about Fraser. What have we got so far, Ed, in the story? So far, it's... I went shopping with Fraser to the DIY shop when I noticed he was missing. Yeah. I went to look for him at security where I found out he had been arrested for shoplifting. Okay, brilliant. That's really, really good. You did that without notes. Yeah. I went to look for him at security where I found out he had been arrested

for shoplifting. Okay, brilliant. That's really, really good. You did that without notes. Yeah. I was expecting you to get it wrong. No, it got it right.

Yeah, well done. So last week, it bored me when I listened back to it. Reading out all the entries I found out. I'm sorry to everyone about that. It was ever so boring,

wasn't it? So this week, we've just selected three. The top three. Yeah, top three and we'll do it like the hit parade. We'll do it this way

every week from now onwards because we can't read out all the entries because there are too many of them now. Yeah, top three, and we'll do it like the hit parade. We'll do it this way every week from now onwards, because we can't read out all the entries, because there are too many of them now. Yeah, and a lot of them are shit. Yeah, so we're going to read out three. In fact, we're going to have four this week, because there's a special entry, a late entry that's just come in. Right.

Well, in third place this week was Jim Sterling, who continued it with security, and also mentioned how the security store detectives thought he had learning difficulties, but fortunately had resisted the urge to kick the shit out of him as this was not Tesco's. Right, nice one.

Topical material. Security, he says security a lot there, doesn't he? Security had also mentioned how the security store detectives But that's classic Jim Sterling there. Yeah, I think what I would do,

I would have corrected that before I'd entered it and that's what pushed him to third place there, Jim. I don't know why he said security store detects his toy. Matt Ebbs is in second place this week, and I think Matt Ebbs will always be in second place

in this competition, but I like that. In a way, Matt, you are just the honorary second place. Yeah. Because I think you know you're not going to win. He does write really stupid ones, doesn't he? Yeah, but he just puts it to the sword, doesn't he? Yeah. So here's what Matt Ebbs' continuing bit was.

Let me tell you, I had fun taunting him that night by putting his chemotherapy treatment just out of his reach and laughing at his stupid straining face as punishment. But in the meanwhile, I put him in the playpen with a shaving razor and a bit of old tin whilst I paid his release funds. So it was brutal, Matt Ebbs, wasn't it? Yeah, brutal. And then he changed that to a bit of old can

yeah that does make a big difference yeah it does yeah telling a can I don't know Matt I mean if you'd have put can in the first place maybe you would have won

Matt this week but the winner this week is our old friend Jack Matkoff the calf yeah the old calfo who said instantly I assumed

that he had been putting nails in his head again he loves doing his Hellraiser impression and had forgotten to take them out but sadly this wasn't the case

after we stopped laughing the 14 year old manager told me which station he was taken to and I got on my moped good work

so he's taken it out of the police station no sorry towards the police station yeah bit of a joke and continue the story so yeah that's

almost perfect that joke I like the idea that they arrested him for shoplifting because he tried to walk out of the shop with nails in his head. Yeah.

That they'd go, excuse me sir, are you trying to steal those nails? Have you paid for those nails? Without going, do you want to

come to the hospital? Yeah, but when he said that, Jack said it though, he said it clear as day that that wasn't what was

happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, well done Jack, you won this week. And also, the other thing we want to tell you

as well about this is from now onwards, still enter on. So yeah, well done, Jack. You won this week. And also, the other thing we want to tell you as well about this is from now onwards, still enter on the Facebook page. Yeah. But we're going to move it to the discussions page because what's happened is it's clogging up

all the comments bit. Well, set it up in the discussions bit. Yeah. Click on the discussions tab on the Facebook fan page and that's where, from now on,

all your entries are going to go. Well done, Jack. And if you want to go into the discussions page right now, you will see where you're carrying on from. But, the special entry that we just received was received by

Roy Poodick. That's just ended with this. He's a big fan of it, Roy Poodick. Roy Poodick has just just ended a late entry I was shopping with Fraser

at the DIY shop when I suddenly realised he was missing I went to security where they informed me he'd been arrested for shoplifting and now

he's flying without wings and that is and in a way that won it in a way that won it um In a way that won it. In a way that won it. Hey, mate.

Once, right, when I was young, yeah? Yeah. You're still young. Younger than now. Right. I was in the car on the way back from school, right? Whoa. My mum was driving me back from school, right? Whoa. With my friend Jack Holroyd, now. Right. I was in the car on the way back from school, right? Whoa. My mum was driving me back from school, right?

Whoa. With my friend Jack Holroyd, right? Right. And it was my mum's birthday, and even though I was young, I was good at jokes and that. Yeah, yeah. And I was making fun of her, saying she was an old lady, right? Yeah. And Jack Holroyd, right, felt sorry for her and went,

No, Mrs Gamble, you look very young. You look like you are one. Just to be a nice boy to her. I like it. Jack Holroyd was wicked. He once wrote a story, right? We all had to write stories about boys who lived in bubbles, right? Why?

They just said, I think, basically, the teacher came up with it on the spot and went, Right, for homework tonight, you have to write an essay with the title, Boy Born in a Bubble. Okay. Right, so everyone wrote sort of like a two or three page story about how the boy was in a bubble and he couldn't interact with the title boy born in a bubble okay right so everyone wrote sort of like a two or three page story about how the boy was in a bubble and he couldn't interact with the world and like he could see it all yeah he could see it all but he was lonely at the same time right um and jack holroyd uh wrote a story and this was the whole story right yeah one day there was a boy born in

born in a bubble one day he landed on a pin in france the end i like it it was brilliant are you friends with him still or not no not now not now well I don't know what he's doing really and it was a bit weird

but I guess he is in prison because our teacher once said he will either be prime minister or in prison and he's not

prime minister It's time for our complaint letter section. Hooray. Our most famous section that we do. Our most famousest section that has won an Oscar. Definitely. It has won an Oscar and it has meant that we are on the Sun website. I don't know what happened there. Right, so this is where we write complaint letters

to get free stuff. Get free stuff on there. This week it's Ed's turn. Before we do Ed's turn, we need to find out what the complaint letter is on our Welsh counterparts. On the Welsh Pichoch and Gamble. On the Pichoch and Gamble podcast,

what they are doing in Wales. It's not even a podcast really, is it? It's Poghast. It's Leekcast. Yeah, it's Cardiffcast. Cardiffcast, though. That's what they call it. So let's let's go and listen to what they're doing on their one for their letter dear dennis norton all right bud how's it hanging like i hope you're doing well right it's never about you you'll fart which i'd like to talk to you about your program it'll be okay in the end

which our son fraser recently appeared on because he in an outtake from the show Eurotrash where he was being used as a ball gag to shut up some French kids. He was on the show because my husband works as a gaffer. The mistake in the scene came when Fraser started crying and fell out of Pascal's mouth because of his crying being lube. You told him it'd be OK on the night, and it weren't because he's got cancer and no legs, so that's intense.

Lots of love, sexy bitch Mrs Fraser. And if you could send us three things, like a window because I want to start building a house. So I want to start with the windows. If you could send me a handle because I want to start making a pan to make some sushi with because I'm so good at sushi. You are all up quite good at sushi and that. No, I'm not. I mean, in many ways, it's an absolute waste of time.

No idea what they're on about. I cannot understand a word of that. It might all just be swearing. Right, I'm not being racist against the Welsh, right? But I can't understand them. Why don't they learn our language? Why can't you learn English proper normal

yeah if you come over to England which Wales is just a city isn't it yeah Wales is a city in England right and don't be jealous that it's not the

capital of England yeah don't worry you can have your leeks and your rugby and that hang on with that and your choirs you can do all that

it's quaint isn't it yeah go there for a day out well anyway thank you that's the end of what we're going to hear from those now yeah so thank you That's quaint, isn't it? Yeah. Go there for a day out. Well, anyway, thank you. That's the end of what we're going to hear from those now. Yeah. So thank you to... I think that's enough, isn't it?

I can't remember the names. It's Adam... Adam... Adam Clinethley. And David... And he said it was Daffod. No, it's David. David, you idiot.

It's spelled David. Yeah, David's fool. And it's David... Yeah, which which of course is that famous town that I learnt that so Ed so it's time for

Ed's complaint letter oh no sorry I'm doing it in Welsh yeah you're forgetting I know the beach right okay here's my complaint letter for Get Free Stuff

as a mother of a family with an ill son Fraser yeah 3, 2, 1 let's go dear X Factor shut up Fraser sorry that was my son Fraser as a mother of a family with an ill son, Fraser. Yeah. Three, two, one, let's go. Dear X Factor, Shut up, Fraser!

Sorry, that was my son Fraser banging on about food again. There's no point giving him any, he'll only want some more next week. He's actually been a bit ill recently, with a cancer and no legs, aka man flu. God, bloody men, don't whine about anything, won't they, Sharon?

What, no Sharon? Lewis? No? Well, tell him to come off holiday then and get on with his job. I don't know why Fraser complains about his legs so much. We have sorted it out for him. We have attached his bottom half

to a massive weighted beach ball so he can't even fall over. We can also use him as a space hopper, his few remaining tufts of hair making serviceable handles. One day we bounced him all the way to an audition for one of your programmes, because we wanted to enter him. Not like that, Simon, you cheeky paedophile! When we arrived, there was well loads of other people there, including quite a few other spasmoids, which really cut down on our thing's chances of getting through.

You see, we assumed that Fraser, being such a modern artwork of an animal, would get through automatically. But obviously, his sub-story is not good enough for the X Factor. Apparently, Simon, his singing sounds like a Texan prostitute being sick into a can. I will have you know that when he was being dribbled out of the building, so excited was he that he started clapping, and in doing so, clapped around the electric perimeter fence, fusing his hands together. Mongified enough for you now, Cowell? I am so disappointed by Fred's failure that I am considering going out and punching Leona Lewis in the head.

by Fraser's failure that I am considering going out and punching Leona Lewis in the head. Anyway, I want some stuff off you to make up for all the pain that you've caused me and my husband,

brackets, a wrestler. I want a load of your money, tickets to the football game, a real eagle, a kiss off Cheryl, a flight to Russia, a drink that never runs out,

doe a deer, a female deer, a free titty woman liking Total Recall, and for you to adopt my son, brackets for money, lick my fanny, Mrs Fraser. Brilliant.

It's about time that Mrs Fraser got her fanny licked off Simon Cowell. It is about time. That's a lovely little story, isn't it? I don't know if I'll get all them stuff or not. I imagine so,

because I find X Factor to have literally no moral compass whatsoever. So I would imagine they can probably get them out of their store cupboard. Yeah. All those things. I don't like X Factor. I literally no moral compass whatsoever so I would imagine they can probably get the net out of their store cupboard all those things I don't like X Factor

I won't watch it I refuse to watch it I've caught you watching it I've watched it I've caught you watching it a couple of times

I don't like it at all I'll tell you what else I don't like is that Dermot O'Leary does the hosting of it right and he claims that he's like a religious man and

Christian and all that yet he's orchestrating one of the biggest bullying ever known to man he's not very Christian is he, the X Factor? No, I suppose not. Let's be honest with you, not that I hold sway with any sort of Christian beliefs and all that sort of thing. No, it's not like Songs of Praise or anything is it? No, it's not. I suppose Songs of Praise is the Christian X Factor. I suppose it is in a way, yeah. Check out the element of competition. No, because...

Everyone can have a go of it, all the old ladies. You've not pressed the red button on Songs of Praise. Right, when they pan across the church, right, and everyone is singing, you can eliminate old ladies as you go along. Right, is that true?

Nope. That's reminding me. What? Clock car. Oh, fuck. Just thinking about Songs of Praise then that's reminding me

about Clock Car. Right. Alright, I've watched it. No, you didn't though, did you? No, I have. What day is it on? Tuesday?

I don't know what day it's on. I mean, that would help, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's on seven o'clock. If we knew what day it was on, that would help. Seven o'clock in the week. I was going to,

yeah, I was going to Sky Plus it. Yeah. I've only got 3% left on my hard drive on my Sky HD box. You can't be filling that up with Anne Robinson.

I can't be risking having that when there's probably a film I don't want to watch. So go on, you watched Watchdog in our section Clock Cat so the listeners

didn't have to watch Watchdog. What happened on Watchdog this weekend? Man went me orca with another man. No, we're not doing that. No, no.

This is what happened on Watchdog. That wouldn't happen on Watchdog. That's the end of the podcast. And it went on his lungs. That's the end of the podcast. And it went on his lungs. That's the end of the podcast. Thank you for joining us.

Bye. The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble. All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk.

If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page, and you might win a prize. See you next week. you know when i am rich yeah all i want to do is i want to make a house right guess what what the floor is glass glass bottom house but you can see what can it. How can I see the soil and the dirt? Dolphins. Is this where a chocolate go to bite to? It's his house. A boat.