The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 21

Episode Date: June 16, 2019

"Episode 21" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 21 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Five, four, three, two, one. Blast off! What is happening? It's Peacock and Gamble podcast. Oh, fuck the maker. All blasting off into space. Yep.

And go around the planet doing talk here. And a loop de loop. Yeah. Oh, watch out. There is Mars. Good one. Hello, I'm Ed Gamble. Hello, I'm Ed Peacock.

I'm in my living room, but I didn't realise quite how close my living room was to space. Because I can see Ed, clearly. Right, not just in the distance, doing a wave next to the spaceship with a garden hose attached to his belly button. To keep him attached to the spaceship. That's what they do in this space. Yeah, I'm not sure it's a garden hose. It is a garden hose, because of your belly button.

And then you float about, waving. That's true, isn't it? Yeah, a garden hose, yeah. That's why the costumes are so big. Costumes? Yeah, they fill them up

with water. Because that weighs you down so the gravity keeps you on the moon surface. Do you work for NASA?

Yeah. Well, not officially. I mean, every now and again I will send them an email with a

suggestion. We should do that. Guess what my latest one was, right? And this, it just makes

perfect sense to me, but they were going, like, stop messaging us. Right? I went, right, you know you had that Challenger one that went up and blew up and all went wrong? I said, obviously you're not doing them right.

The rocket's what you have. Yeah. Right? And then I went, I've got an almost fail-safe solution to it. Yeah. What it is, get fireworks, like a rocket. Yeah. Right, because I'd say that like

one in ten of them don't work. It's a dud. So build your rocket out of, basically make like an house. Yeah. Right,

but like a slim one, like a toilet cone. Like a rocket. Yeah, you know what they call the things in toilet roll? Like in a toilet roll. Right.

Bit in the middle. Yeah. Is that a toilet cone or not? Toilet roll. Yeah, the thing out, the thing out in the middle of it. Yeah, toilet roll, cardboard not? Toilet roll. Yeah, the thing out the middle of it, right? Yeah, toilet roll,

cardboard. Yeah, get one of them but a big one and then just attach to it 50 rockets. Right. Right? So at the most

I reckon 10 of them wouldn't work. So you've got you've then got 40 guaranteed ones that when you just light them all at the same time have a blast off

and then it will go into space and that's fine. But then what does it do then? Well, then you get the garden hose out. Yeah, but where does the man... Tie it on a bit of it. Tie a bit to the man and then he has a bit of a walkabout and wave down to Ray and Ed.

Where does the man sit? In the front seat. Of what? Of the toilet roll holder? Yeah. Right. We'll put a seat in it as well, obviously. So it's going to have to be a big...

It's not actually something from a toilet roll. No, I said that. It's got to be a full size one. Okay. Right? Yeah. So that's what we're going to do to be a big... It's not actually something from a toilet, right? No, I said that. It's got to be a full-size one. Okay. Yeah. So that's what we're going to do on the podcast today. We're going to have our very first space mission. So thank you for joining us for that.

Let's get ready for liftoff. The second one. I know we've done one. We're doing another one now. Hey, what a week. Yeah. Whoa. What a week we've had. Have we? Yeah, I mean, leading up to this space week. Yeah. Whoa. What a week we've had.

Have we? Yeah, I mean, leading up to the space mission. Yeah. Which I think that'll be probably the last time we'll mention it. Yeah, probably, yeah. Yeah, I think it's been quite a busy week. And it's also taken its toll on me. I'm actually quite tired.

You do look tired. I'm knackered, mate. Very tired. And it's taken us longer and longer and longer to get started every week. Yeah. Even though you were on site last night. Yeah, I stayed here last night. You stayed over. Yeah. So, I mean, we just Even though you were on site last night. Yeah. Stayed here last night. You stayed over.

Yeah. So I mean we just dealt late watching Naked in Blackpool. Yeah which is a brilliant programme. Should watch it. Yeah definitely.

The characters you find on that. Yeah. Who's the what's the man one called? Lionel Vinyl. Lionel Vinyl right. He's a legend in

Blackpool apparently. Yeah. Or ledge. He puts a wig on doesn't he and gets drunk. Yeah and talks in this sort of nearly

American accent. He goes hey I'm Lionel Vinyl. I'm Lionel Vinyl. I like these guys talks in this sort of nearly American accent he goes hey I'm Lionel Varno I'm Lionel Varno I like these guys and he sort of walks around and he presents

a show which is probably going to transfer to television soon but at the moment it's just on in a pub in Blackpool yeah it's like a quiz

right it's called Funk Off yeah Funk Off it means I'm helping it yeah yeah it's good it's good you explain it

and basically the idea of the show, you know, is to get thick people pissed. And then, hopefully, they'll be so drunk they'll buy more stuff. Yeah. Because they don't really know what... And they won't leave that shit pub.

Basically, the format of it is, you ask a question, right? Man versus woman. Man versus woman, right? Because that is the classic battle, isn't it? It gets everyone booing and cheering their side. Ask the question, right, to man's or woman's, right? If they get it right, get a shot of alcohol. Yeah, they've

got to drink it all up. Yeah, drink it all up, get drunk. Get it wrong and they can funk off. Yeah, everyone says funk off. Funk off, fuck off it means. We'll play it now quickly right. Yeah. Okay, what colour is the buses in London? Oh, they're yellow. Funk off Ray. Oh no. They are red. Shot for Ed. Yeah, have a no day of red shot for Ed yeah have a little drink of red so that's the idea of it but the point is

you go and this sounds rubbish and then we go yeah but he has now got a sexy assistant yeah a sexy assistant who is famous now

she is famous now there's a lady in it who had been a I think a lap dancer or a stripper or something and she was wanting to make a headway into a

into show business into show biz and she started doing that by joining Lionel Vinyl. As his taxi assistant. Yeah, and she just basically stands there being the woman one on it. And she did say at one point,

do you know what? Since I've been here tonight, I've never felt so famous. Because I went to the bar, and I'm not kidding, they went, you don't have to pay. I've never felt so famous. They all wanted to be famous, eh?

I found it quite an intriguing thing because it was about lap dancers and strippers and stuff. But they all had real huge designs felt so famous. They all wanted to be famous, eh? I found it quite an intriguing thing because it was about lap dancers and strippers and stuff. But they all had real huge designs on being famous. Well, one of them had an audition for an audition for a Steven Seagal film. Yeah, an audition for an audition. How weird was that? I've never heard of such a thing.

She's not done any acting before in her life. No. And she literally sat there and went, I've got to get on a soap within a month. And it was like, you could almost feel the cameraman just staring at her going what and then to explain

this she went Catherine Zeta-Jones did Darling Buds and May then she was in Zorro like that was all that ever happened yeah that's all

Catherine Zeta-Jones has done but I like the programme but that's another reason we're up late start late we nipped down to get a coffee

we've done that that took us two hours problem is as well when we were out in town because I wanted to then do clove shopping yeah I think part of the reason we were late Yeah. Start late. We nipped down to get a coffee. We've done that. That took us two hours. Problem is as well, when we went out in town, is I wanted to then do clove shopping. Yeah, I think part of the reason we were late is your fault. It's not my fault.

It is, well... No, you can't blame somebody for wanting to have nice clothes. You can't go, it's your fault for wanting to look nice. No, because it's not that you wanted to look nice. It's that you wanted to look nice then. I booked an haircut.

I booked an haircut. Then, when we wanted to record the podcast. I booked an haircut. I booked an haircut. Then when we wanted to record the podcast. I booked an haircut. Tony and guys. When Tony and guys to book an haircut, they must have shat themselves when they saw you coming in. No, they didn't. They were all pretty girls in there and they were going, ooh, who's this? They went, ooh, get the homeless man a cup of coffee. No, they didn't. They did. I heard them. No, they didn't. They went, what is your name? And I said Ian because that's my real life name. Yeah. And then the girl paused and then went, I forgot how to spell.

I just couldn't spell Ian. And I'm going to let her loose on my hair with some scissors tomorrow. I can't believe that they're letting her run around with scissors. Can't even spell Ian. And then we had to go clove shopping. God, I fucking hate clove shopping. Well, that's why I took you to Debenhams. I know, but I put that big jacket on.

Because they do things for fat men that are a bit nice. I liked that long jacket. it had no pockets in it. Yeah. And I did look like Silent Bob. Yeah, you did look a lot like Silent Bob. But then if I'm having my haircut off tomorrow, then I won't look like Silent Bob, will I? Not anymore.

So go and try the jacket on again. After I've had my haircut. Yeah. And then in Debenhams, they might not recognise you from keep coming in trying on the jacket. Yeah, and standing behind the Clinique counter. Yeah, you walked in and went straight behind the Clinique counter. By accident. It wasn't deliberate. It was so badly in and went straight behind the Clinique counter. By accident.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't deliberate. It was so badly set out. It was the Devon rooms in Welling Garden City. And I walked straight through the door. And I walked straight. And then I went, there's nowhere for me to go. I'm trapped behind a counter.

How has that happened? And I walked straight behind the Clinique counter. Weirdly, you're an amazing makeup salesman. I know. And I sold, I did about four grams worth. Yeah. So, yeah, so that happened. I get very depressed

clothes shopping things just won't fit me it starts getting to me when you're trying on things that are extra extra extra extra large yeah and you can't get them

over your arm and you're like I am not extra extra and you'll say to people in there I am not this size and then they go well that is extra large

and I'm like well no it isn't and they're like no it is and it's like no this shirt I'm wearing now is extra large I get frustrated

with it as well but apparently I get told sizes are different in different places it shouldn't be the case because a size is a unit of measurement

and you don't go here is a metre stick but that is the size of a pea no sizes are different in different places yeah metres are different metres

yeah metres are different metres and I say shut up I want a three meter wide t-shirt yeah please thank you yeah

I imagine if you could get that oh I'd live in it because at the moment to get clothes yeah I'm considering just going like buying raffle tickets in hospital wards

to get to get that big teddy that they're all raffling you know the one that's got a t-shirt on it yeah because I think that t-shirt would fit me

so I asked by I love 100 100 raffle tickets you're going to spend so much money trying to get that t-shirt I know but if I get to meet

Jimmy Savile at the end it'd be worth it hey Ray I taught you a game the other day, didn't I? Yeah, I was brilliant at it. Yeah. Because we were on the train and you were getting bored, so what you were doing was filling in for people's conversations who were on the phone.

Yeah, I was doing it too loud as well. Yeah, very loud, yeah. And I was aware of it. Yeah, so the man would be on the phone saying like, yeah, and I just told him, and you go, told him, yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, I helped as well, I helped telling him. But it's quite fun doing things like that because people are

completely in their own worlds and if they hear something like that it weirds them out a bit. Well, I had a lovely moment where I actually had

somebody sat in front of me doing a phone conversation and behind me doing and I was juggling the two conversations. It was brilliant. And it actually

became just one big conversation. You'd be a brilliant secretary. Yeah, I think I would also be a good mediator. Yeah.

Yeah, it was up to me. But I like the game that you taught me. Yeah, the book game. Yeah. Basically what you do. Yeah. Yeah, it was up to me. But I like the game that you taught me. Yeah, the book game. Yeah. Basically what you do is if... We'll now teach it to the listener. Yeah, we will.

Here we go. So if you're sitting opposite someone who's reading a book and you don't know the person who's reading the book, right, you have to be with a friend, someone you can have a conversation with. Yeah. You look at the title of the book and while the other person is reading,

in your conversation, you drop in the title of the book to the conversation and it really freaks people out. Yeah, it was brilliant. We had a great time with it. Yeah. And also, what that means, though, is we're saying to our listener, if you are on a train, right, do that.

And then we might have listeners who can't read. Yeah. Which is perfectly plausible. Yeah. They might be anorexic, or whatever it's called. Right, dyslexic. Yeah, and that. Right?

And so, for those listeners, I've come up with a game, which is basically on a train, right? What you've got to do is sit behind a small child, and basically what you do is, when the child, you know, because they sometimes fall asleep on a long train journey, basically what you do is you get your penis and testicles out, right, and you basically just lower them onto the head of the small child, right? Right.

And then when they wake up, they're so surprised. So that's my game. That's your game, is it? Yeah. Right. But mine's the book one, so if you want to try the book one. Oh, mine is the cock and balls on the head of a baby one. When we went for that meeting yesterday in London Yeah

I was late You were very late I was very late You were very late I was ten minutes late Alright that is very late That is very late Imagine if you are a bomb disposal expert

And you get there ten minutes late Then boom there goes the world Yeah I'm not though Yeah But the reason I was late Is because my train stopped Now obviously trains do stop Before people get on and off.

But this one stopped in the middle of a field. When I got on there, there were two lads who were quite agitated, sort of knocking about. I didn't know I was up with them. And they kept going to the toilet and then coming away from me. And then they pulled the emergency cord. And I was stuck there going, what the fuck's going on? What's going on?

I've got to go and meet my friend, Ed. So the train slammed on. The driver came running up the train. Yeah. And someone stuck in the toilet. Right, it was really like, and I just, I got so angry about it. Yeah. So I was like, right, okay, the poor lad's stuck in the toilet. Yeah. Hard luck. You know. Hard luck, lived there now forever. No, you shouldn't be locked in it. But that can wait till we're at a station. Yeah, definitely. I mean, it really can. Because what are you going to do about being stuck in the toilet in a field?

Yeah. And to make it worse, because I was in a bad mood because I was late and then two little kids came up, right? They were like two school kids. They were wearing school uniforms

and stuff. And started taking charge and saying to people, sorry for the delay, everybody. Really? Sorry for someone stuck in the toilet. But that's lovely. No, they were little shits.

Right, okay. Because then the cats started giggling and stuff. They were being little shits. One of them was called Alfie. Right. Right, so if... And I really hope he listens to this podcast.

If you're that little kid Alfie, about 12 or something he was, and he was on that train with that bloke with some of that toilet, and you were dicking about, I think you're a dick. It's the closest I've come to punching a child.

Right. He really, really annoyed me. And you've come close. Mate, I mean, I've done it where I've had to wait at the child. Right. He really, really annoyed me. And you've come close. Mate, I mean, I've done it where I've had to wait at the wall behind him. But I couldn't believe that it stopped for that.

What a stupid reason to stop a train. And then they had two burly blokes come and essentially shoulder the door in. And I was like, just fucking get us

to King's Cross. Was it a man or a woman? A man. Right, because if it was a woman she could have given birth. Yeah, that'd be exciting. Like that woman did once on that train in India. Yeah.

The woman gave birth on the train in India, right? Right. And because the toilets in the trains in India, right, are just holes that go down the bottom of the... Yeah, it'd be stupid. On the track. She did! She gave birth, right?

Baby went... She was sitting on the toilet. Baby went through the toilet, right? Right. Onto the floor, right? Yeah. And they found it, like, three miles down the track, still alive. That is absolute nonsense. No, it's not. I can found it like three miles down the track, still alive. That is absolute nonsense.

No, it's not. I can prove it's nonsense. Why? Umbilical cord. Yeah, no, I've been through this with everyone when I've been talking about it. What then?

It just, because it must have fallen with such force that it just got ripped off. Nonsense. Yeah, absolutely true. Simply let it happen. It's true, I'll get it, we'll find an article of it

and everyone will tell you that that is true, that a lady pooed a baby out on the train. Where are you going to find it? Did she know she was pregnant? Internet. No, I don't think she did.

Oh, the internet. Mate, I could find you an article on the internet that says that aliens live amongst us. Yeah, but not... Does that mean it's true? It's bollocks. Not like a Reuters article or something like that. Did you see the thing the other day that happened

where the woman pushed her baby under a train and it survived? Yeah, I saw that. That's what reminded me of it the other day. She didn't push it under, did she? No, it fell under, didn't it? I mean, that would have been... If that baby had died... I mean, it was She didn't push it under, did she? No, it fell under, didn't it? I mean, that would have been, if that baby had died, I mean, it was bad enough anyway,

but if that baby had been killed, that would have been a ridiculous way for a baby to have died. Given that the lady was on the platform of the station, she was holding the pram, and she adjusted her jeans. She actually went, oh, I feel a bit fat today.

Adjusted her jeans, and while she was looking down, the pram rolled off the platform and under a train and the baby survived. Thank God for that then. Yeah, unlike the fictional baby. The baby did survive.

The one that... The one I said. It did survive because it didn't ever exist in the first place. Well, it still survived. To survive. But it was real.

A woman didn't poo a baby out through an hole in a train in a toilet. We'll look at the internet in a minute. Yeah, no, we'll look at the internet. I mean, if I put in woman poos baby out through a train in a toilet. We'll look at the internet in a minute. Yeah, no, we'll look at the internet. I mean, if I put in

woman poos baby out from a train. Not poos baby, maybe. India, right? It might have been India, it might not have been. Train, toilet,

woman, baby. This is absolute, absolute bollocks. Right, so there'll be people who remember the story. I mean, are you saying that she had

a baby by accident? Yeah, it just fell out of her head. No, but that doesn't happen. Yeah, it does. No, it doesn't. It does. It doesn't. Sonia on EastEnders had a baby by accident. Yeah, it just fell out of her head. No, but that doesn't happen. Yeah, it does. No, it doesn't. It does.

It doesn't. Sonia on EastEnders had a baby by accident. Yeah. Only because it's very rare for a Down syndrome to get pregnant. Woman under train. It's nonsense.

Babies don't just slide out. This one did. No, it didn't. It did. It must have had a lot of goo on it. Nonsense. But I think the solution is don't do a poo on the toilet. If we've learned nothing else from this section,

it's that. Don't do a poo on the toilet. Don't do a poo on the toilet on a train. On a train, yeah. Okay, you've got to say that. I mean, do do a poo on the toilet. In fact, if you're going to do a poo anywhere, I would say toilet is certainly top five. Paramount.

I did one off a shed once and it wasn't nice. Did you really? Yeah. You revolted. Fucking when? When I was like ten. Why would you do a poo off a shed? Because it was next to an able life. What a horrible boy you are.

That is absolutely fucking horrific. Right, there is no circumstance now that you can say to me that will validate I did a poo off a shed. At all. I remember this lad called David doing a poo in my back garden. And I can still see it now.

Yeah. It infuriated me. Right. He literally, he wouldn't go into the toilet. Yeah. And instead, he wrapped a sheet round him, squatted down and pooed in the back garden. As if we just wouldn't notice it under grass. So come on. So you were on the shed. Right, I was on the shed. Why were you on the shed?

We were just hanging out with the next door neighbour on the shed. On top of the shed? Yeah. It was a big shed. It doesn't matter what sort of shed it was, it was a shed. Needed a poo, right? Pooed off the shed. Pooed off a shed. Oh, sorry. When I said that nothing would be said, I didn't realise it was as clean cut as that. Then a white bun with leaves. Why? It's like nature, isn't it?

No, it's not like that. Was it in your back garden? No, in his back garden. Right. But I presume he has the toilet in his house. Yeah. Were you allowed in the toilet? Yeah, I would have been, yeah.

Yeah, okay. So why did you poo off the shed? He did a poo as well, I think. Company doesn't validate it. Two poos don't make a right. Two poos on the shed don't make one correct poo. Yeah. Why did you do it?

Were you showing off? I don't think so. Was it a funny situation? I think we were laughing, yeah. Was it sexual? Deeply. Were you pooing for each other? We didn't watch each other poo.

Oh, so proper kinky then. What, not watch? Yeah, you just knew. Yeah. Oh, so proper kinky then. What, not watch? Yeah, you just knew. Yeah. Yeah, no, I just did a poo off shed. Have you ever done a poo anywhere but a toilet? No, no. That's weird.

Not in my life. You've never done, you look really worried about that now. No, but I've never done a poo anywhere but a toilet. I used to be in the Scouts and stuff, so I've never done a poo in a forest or anything like that. Right. I've always managed to find a toilet and do a poo there. Or in my pants. You must have pooed in your nappy. Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you now, I did do a poo in my forest or anything like that right I've always managed to find a toilet and do a poo there or in my pants you must have

pooed in your nappy yeah yeah I'm telling you now I did do a poo in my pants right that was at nursery school

right and I can again vividly remember it happening yeah it was getting so so near the end of the day

my mum was late picking me up yeah so really I should have been picked up by then by my mum and taken home

well indirectly but you would have done it in the car then well I was old in it right thinking I can get But you would have done it in the car then. Well, I was holding it. Right. Thinking I can get home and get it done at home. Yeah.

And then she was late and it was like, oh, gone. Yeah. Gone, too late. But, I mean, I say that like that's a bad thing, but it's at least my worries. Because I can't say I have pooed off a shed. Unlike some people in this room. Pooing in your pants is better than pooing off a shed.

If we've learnt nothing else today, we've learnt now. Our ongoing competition to write the Fraser story. Competition time. Yeah, we've been writing a sentence or two every week. We've been getting the listeners to do that on the Facebook page and the discussions page. So far in the story, Mrs Fraser has took

Fraser to a DIY shop where he's gone missing yeah oh no and she's gone to find out where he is and they've just told her where the police station is

it's been taken to for shoplifting yeah and that's where the story picks up she's got on her moped yep so we've got a top three okay top three here we go

in three is Alex Crone yep who's said which was yellow in reference to the moped. Do you know what? Brilliant. It's not one Alex because you've not really moved

the story along any further. But it's certainly third place that. Yeah that is third place. Which was yellow. Kind of funny. Yeah. Kind of funny. Yeah I like it. Well done Crono. Well done Crono. The other thing I want to start doing is I think we're taking up too much of the podcast saying the names of our listeners.

So I think what we should do is, is just start referring to them by their surnames. By nicknames. We'll do it like a public school. Alright, Crone. Right, so third place, Crone. Which was yellow, bang, in we go. Well done, second place. In two, Ebbs.

Here we go, second again, Ebbs. When I arrived at the police station, it turned out the police had confused the bits falling off his skin due to his treatment as tassels for a piñata and had strung him up and were beating him with sticks. After having joined

in for ten minutes until a few of his fingers fell off along with part of his cheek, I took Fraser down from the ceiling, bundled him under my arm and

took him home to his dad, who is also a vicar. Ebbs. Right, I mean, I am starting to worry about Ebbs. Because I think that Ebbs is probably... I don't know how old he's probably 16 or something.

Around that, yeah. And a young lad. Have you been watching horror films? You're a sick fuck, mate. Yeah, you're not right, Ebbs. Not right in the head. But well done on being second place. Yeah, well done, mate. But Ebbs, you're not right, man. Not right. Disgusting. Right, in one... Do you know what, Ebbs? Stop being funny, this. Because you're not right, mate. You're not right, mate. In one. Right, in one. Do you know what? Ebbs, stop being funny, this. Because you're not right, mate.

You're not right, mate. In one. Number one. Jackson. Jackson. Wow, what's Jackson put? Jackson's put, As I rode to the police station,

I couldn't enjoy the ride without Fraser making motorbike noises with his cleft lip. Add new things to it. I like that, yeah. So I had to make them myself. Right. I was almost at the police station

when I heard a loud shout and saw several policemen chasing after someone in a wheelchair. Whoa. So we've started a new little chase scene. Yeah.

And that was Jackson, was it? It was Jackson, yeah. Well done, Jackson. You won the competition this week. See, we could have started a chase scene or I was thinking it doesn't even have to be

Fraser really, does it? What do you mean? Who's in the wheelchair. Yeah, it does. No, because it could be a criminal and then Mrs Fraser and Fraser chase after him's in the wheelchair? Yeah it does. No because it could be a criminal and then Mrs. Fraser and Fraser chase

after him to get the jewels. Yeah okay well I mean that's one suggestion of where you could take it. I personally

wouldn't. Okay. So next week we'll come up with that but at the moment we're at the police station

and as Mrs. Fraser arrives there a wheelchair escape is happening. Yeah and the policemen are chasing after him. Letter.

Why? What's she trying to do? What? What's she trying to do? Complaint letter time. No, letter. Let her. I sort of got it.

I sort of got it. Why? What's she trying to do? Should we let her do it? Or not? Yeah. And let her. But let her.

Complaint letter. She's trying to just let Ray get on with the letter. Oh, yeah. That is what she's doing. Right, right. So complaint letter time. We're here at complaint letter to get free stuff. Yay. She's trying to just let Ray get on with the letter. Oh yeah, okay. That is what she's doing. Right, right. So complaint letter time, where we were at complaint letter

to get free stuff. Yay! I was trying to think, because it's getting harder and harder to write these. Yeah. Because I'm thinking of like, what stuff do I still want?

Right. And then something occurred to me and I think that I've always wanted and I thought, how can I get that? And then I worked out how I could get it. You'll hear now with the letter

what it was. Okay. And I went about doing it. Are you ready for it? I am more than ready. Dear London Zoo, right, don't laugh. I want you to give me a monkey.

What it is, is this. My name is a woman from a family and I am Mrs Fraser. I got a son, sort of, but it doesn't work. His name is Fraser, but we have started calling him Ford Escort because every time something goes wrong with him, it seems to just lead to something else breaking.

Take the other week, please. Ha ha ha, good joke. It is the same as the take my wife one, but I've done a switch around. I can't do take my wife, as I am the wife, stupid. I could say Take My Husband, but he makes coffins for Gary Barlow and his friends.

So I would be saying Take My Husband, the undertaker for Take That. And let's be honest, that is too many takes in one sentence, you prick. I know another joke about flying without wings, but I'm running out of space on the page. Anyway, here is the lowdown on what happened. Me and Fraser were having a game of cricket in the back garden brackets loft. And Fraser was the goalkeeper or whatever they call the bloke by the wickets. We didn't have bales on top of them because of our religion. All the way through the game,

Fraser remembered, that he hasn't got legs now, and so fell face first, into the wickets. One of them, went in his mouth, down his body, and out his bum,

which is called a flesh wound. However, the other two, went right in his eyes, and all blood squirting, out everywhere, and he stood up, on his stumps,

as best he could, and staggered around a bit, a bit like a modern art Dalek. He wasn't saying exterminate, though. He was screaming and begging me to help. Naturally, I was laughing far too much to do this. But when I calmed down and Mr Fraser got back from his job at the Planetarium, we drove to the hospital. Then we drove back and got Fraser,

who by this point had lost just under seven pints of blood. We drove to the hospital. Then we drove back and got Fraser. Who by this point had lost just under seven pints of blood. Apparently this is called critical condition. Anyway, look, this is going on too long. Point is, he is blind and we don't like dogs. So please post us a monkey to be his guide or I'm coming round and killing a panda if you've got one.

Push it in hard baby Mrs Fraser. Mate I think they will definitely send you a guide monkey. I'd love a guide monkey. Yeah I would as

well. I'd like to go monkey world. Yeah. Guess what I heard about the other day. Lego land.

Honestly I was driving right. I was driving on about the other day. Lego Land. Honestly, I was driving, right? I was driving on the M3, right? Yeah. Just driving away, minding my own business, thinking about Lego a bit. Yeah.

Star Wars Lego and that. Yeah. And then suddenly I looked at a sign and it did a double take. And I went, what? Lego Land.

Right, I've heard of that before though. There was something about a parrot as well but I wasn't bothered about that. Yeah, but I've heard of that. Lego Land Right I've heard of that before There's something about a parrot as well But I wasn't bothered by that Yeah but I've heard of that Lego Land

Are you mental? No Are you mental? How is that? It's like near Windsor or somewhere Yeah there's one in Windsor There's one in Denmark as well Mate

How can there be one near Windsor? Lego No listen Lego Land What the hell is that? It's like land Lego land It's like a theme park Listen, Lego Land. What the hell is that? It's the land on this side. Lego Land.

It's like a theme park. Oh, so it got me Atlas out, right, in my car. Yeah. Not a bloody mention of it. Put it in the sat-nav, Lego Land. Nothing. And I was like, did I just dream? Lego Land.

So I don't know if anyone lives out that way on M3, or like, you know, near sort of Brattleley, sort of Windsor-y way, but I'll slough, I think it was quite near as well. Okay. Lego Land. Can you confirm that there is something called Lego Land?

Right? And then can you find out for me whether you can just go there and just take as much as you want? Can you go and dig up a set? Yeah. Can you go and dig up enough to make stuff? Lego Land

yeah well I'll take you there then one day yeah well I'll take me and my monkey I'll go I don't know what I'm going to call my monkey anyway when I get it what would you call a monkey

what are you laughing at what I could take my monkey there doesn't even be any point to this this podcast you're just going to laugh all the way through it what is wrong with me

taking my monkey to Lego Land? It's not that. It's something you've cut out. Yeah, fair enough. It would be something that I've cut out of the podcast. That literally just happened in this conversation. Fair enough. Anyway, that's the end of the show.

I've had enough of it now. Oh, shame. I've been enjoying it for a bit, but shame. Shame. So stay tuned, by the way, till after the closing credits and stuff because we've got the announcement about the live show,

the proper details about the live show, which we'll tag on the end of it. But for the time being, thanks for listening, and bye now. Good night, bye. Good night, I like you. The Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.

All music by the Tiger Lilies, except the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production, hosted by Chortle.co.uk. If you spotted a deliberate mistake in this week's show, tell us on our Facebook page and you might win a prize. See you next week. So our live show that's coming up. Yeah.

I mean, a lot of you know about it already because you've had the invitation on Facebook and stuff. Yeah. And by the way, I've got a thought for that. Have you. Yeah. I mean, a lot of you know about it already because you've had the invitation on Facebook and stuff. Yeah. And by the way, I've got a thought for that. Have you? Yeah.

When you get the invitation on Facebook to come to the live show, right? I mean, say if you're coming or not, but here's something I want you to do. When people start writing at the bottom, oh, I can't come because I'm going to be in America that day. I've noticed people use that to show off. Yeah.

So if anyone does that if anyone says oh can't come I'm away in New York for Christmas yeah right I want all of you to really start abusing them

like start going this is not who cares where you fucking are this is about Ray and Ed yeah this is about Ray and Ed's

brilliant live show we don't care that you're on your own fuck off and if anything you weren't invited anyway you should be putting that on every other invite you get for anything,

going, I can't, I'm going to the Peacock and Gamble podcast live at King's Place, King's Cross on the 19th of December. Well done, Ed. Thanks. That is the details of it. We'll do it a bit more clear for you now. Yeah. The live show is going to be at King's Place, King's Cross,

right near King's Cross Station, on the 19th of December 2009. It's not at the Arts Theatre or Leicester Square Theatre this year because they've outpriced us. They offered us the same room for more money on a Sunday. Wankers. And we said no. We went, actually, no, we're not. I mean, basically what they wanted us to do is overprice our fans

so they could make more money. Yeah. So we said no. Very disappointed in them, really. Yeah. I thought we had a good working relationship, but unfortunately that's broken down now. But not to worry because it's actually worked out for for the best, and now we've got a better

theatre. Hooray! Which is King's Place. It's really, really posh in that. We went there yesterday. So, tickets are on sale right now. Here's Ed with ticket details. The King's Place box office number is 0207 520 1490.

I beg your pardon? 0207 520 1490. Oh, hang on a minute. I've got no fingers, so I can only use the internet by pushing my mouse around with my nose. Is there a website where I can also book tickets? There is.

It's kingsplace.co.uk and specifically to book tickets, go to kingsplace.co.uk forward slash book dash tickets. Okay. Do you know what? I don't think I'll bother booking tickets. I might just turn up on the night.

Well, then you're a bit of a fuckstick. Because, quite frankly, if you book tickets online, you'll get them a lot cheaper than you would get them on the night. So if I buy them in person, it's going to cost me more money? Yes, you bellend. Oh, and also, if enough people don't pre-book, it's going to be a completely different show. Is that right? That's right. If enough people don't pre-book,

then if you turn up on the night, you'll literally be getting two naked men wanking at your eyes. But also, if you don't pre-book as well. There's a good chance that you won't get in. That's true. In fact, I'll tell you the actual details. Once we've sold 80 tickets, then we get upgraded to a bigger room.

They want us to do it in the bigger room anyway, and we said we don't think we'll fill it. But what we said is, if we sell 80 tickets, if they sell 80 tickets, then they'll upgrade it and carry on selling tickets. But if they don't sell 80 tickets, and then you turn up on the night you probably won't get in yeah because then we're going to be in an 80 seater yeah we're going to be an 80 seater with not as many fancy

things yeah it's gonna be either an 80 seater or a children's seater it's up to you whether you book in advance whether we're in a crappy little conference room or whether we're in a proper posh theater over to you podcast fans king's place king's cross 19th of december get them booked