The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 23

Episode Date: June 30, 2019

"Episode 23" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 23 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hello, it's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. And I am, um, I am it. No, you're not it. You're not all of it. Oh no, I'm just one of them. You're the, I'm Gamble. No, I'm just Gamble. Alright, then you're Gamble, I'll be Peacock.

Alright, you must be Peacock by process of elimination. I know, well, I like that. Welcome to the show. I'll tell you what I've been worried about this week. What? I think I've been playing Top Trumps wrong. How have you been doing that? Because I don't...

Right, I don't... They don't give you the proper rules on it. Right, but I think they just assume that you know. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? What about people who have been born recently? But you haven't been born recently. No, but think about it, right? What is the, isn't it? What about people who have been born recently? But you haven't been born recently. No, but think about it, right? What is the best one on it?

Like, when you read them out, is it the highest number or the lowest number? Highest number. Always? Pretty much, yeah. All right, I'm going to do AIDS. How much AIDS have you got? Right?

And one person has got 90 AIDS. Yeah. And the other person has got 30 AIDS. Right. Who wins that? Depends what the top Trump is of. If it is of

Top Trump the dog. If it is top Trump's the AIDS then the most AIDS wins. Right, okay. Because it is

the people with the most AIDS in the world. Alright, what if it is top Trump the not AIDS? Top Trump the healthy. Right, then

it is the lowest AIDS that wins in that category. Why is having 100 wingspan such a good thing? If anything, 100 wingspan is cumbersome, isn't it? What are you talking about? Right, what if you go, right, 100 wingspan, yeah, or what if you're walking around Marks and Spencers?

Yeah, I suppose in terms of... What if you've got an 100 wingspan, right, but you work in a little shop? So you're saying that people should be able to call the category. They should say, right, wingspan. And it is to do with its usefulness when walking around mocks and spans. I know that it is generally acknowledged that undue wingspan is good. Yeah, in Top Trumps.

But I don't see why it is good in Top Trumps. Because you get more air under the wings. But, alright, in a shop it's not good. Alright, what if it's undue wingspan for a budgerigar in a little cage? If anything, that's torturous for the budgerigar. Yeah. I think you might be looking too deeply into Top Trumps. No, I just don't think that Top Trumps have thought this through.

I don't know why Top Trumps is all of a sudden the authority on everything. That's what I don't understand. When did that happen? Exactly. Exactly. So everything that's what i don't understand when did that happen exactly so that's that's no i know i know ed when did that happen and why was it why has it gone unchecked welcome to the show god i love you so much what What? My tyres on my car. What? I mean, on my car. My tyres on my car.

The two tyres. Basically, when I was getting to 70mph, people were wobbling. Right. You know, making the dashboard wobble and that. Okay. So I took it into quick fit this week. Yeah.

And as expected, the man went, oh, yeah, two new tyres on the front. Yeah. I was like, oh, it won't be too much, that two new tyres. Because I also noticed they had a post-drop saying, Michelin tyres, 40% off. Really? Might be 20% off. on the front I was like it won't be too much that two new tyres because I also noticed they had a poster up saying Michelin tyres

40% off or it might be 20% off perfect for you because you needed two new tyres I needed two new tyres so I was like

brilliant what a great deal I'll take it quick for it because that is a brilliant deal and then he went yeah you need

two new tyres I was like do you know what I don't even care because you have got a well good deal on I've seen the poster on Michelin tyres

get me four for a joke and I'll put two on each yeah and save two for after yeah I'll put two front ones on and save two yeah because that is a good deal it's worth buying them in advance

so yeah so nothing to worry about you know they had that percentage I mean they didn't alright they didn't have any Michelin tyres when it came down to it I mean, they had these special tyres that they just bring out

for special occasions, which were 140 quid each. They're made of gold and they've got diamonds all around the side of them. At least, that's what I thought they would look like.

But when I went back to my car, just normal tyres they put on there. Cost me a fortune. The next time I met MOT on the next day, that was another 50 quid.

Whoa! Tell you what, it's nice, isn't it? Mate, you must be loaded. You mustOT on the next day that was another 50 quid. Whoa. Tell you what, it's nice, isn't it? Mate, you must be loaded. You must be loaded shelling out that amount. No, I'm not. That's the point now.

I've spent all my money all on it. Why did they have a sale on something they didn't have? It was horrible, you know, because I did gigs over the weekend and all the money

from the gigs all went on my car and that was horrible. Yeah. It's that thing of, you know, do you live to work or do you work to live?

Because usually it goes on the Lego. Yeah, usually. I can put it on some Star Wars. my car and that was horrible it's that thing do you live to work or do you work to live because usually it goes on Lego usually I can put it on some Star Wars I've just

bought some Star Wars Lego yeah no shit it's a Wednesday isn't it

you're a handsome devil what I'm just saying that I bought the Death Star it's not cheap

no how much have you paid for it I'm not saying I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I've just said how much I've spent on tyres.

That's gauche enough. I'm not discussing it. What I'm saying is my brother brought it back from, he'd been working over at Lego. Right.

Right. Not Lego Land. Because that is in Windsor. It's near Windsor. Yeah. It's Land near Windsor.

Well obviously it can't be in Windsor otherwise it'd be called Lego Windsor wouldn't it near Windsor. Yeah. It's land near Windsor. Well, obviously, it can't be in Windsor, otherwise it'd be called Lego Windsor, wouldn't it? But he went abroad to the Lego abroad thing, because he works for them sometimes. He's brought it back for me. I mean, it was bigger than his suitcase. Whoa. And your brother famously has massive suitcases. My brother, right, he's known as Billy Suitcase in the North West. Suitcase Sammy.

Yeah, Suitcase Sammy, because not only does he, I mean, he keeps all his old ones. And he lets working class people live in them. That is true. They call him Suitcase Sammy, right? He's Suitcase Potty. And he travels round the North, right, doing a disco and karaoke about suitcases.

And his car is a suitcase with four wheels on it. And he's got a suitcase tattoo on his eye. Actually, on the white of his eye. It's horrible. I mean, that's how committed he is to it. He actually held his eye open, and they've done the tattoo of the needle in the white of his eye.

It's horrible, really, when you think about it. And all he ever says is suitcase. Oh, you're going to see the mousetrap tomorrow. Yeah? Yeah, the policeman did it. What? Sorry. tomorrow?

Yeah. Yeah, the policeman did it. What? Sorry. Should give a spoiler warning out actually about that. What?

About the mousetrap? Yeah. I'm really pissed off with you about Because it is the policeman that does it.

Well, why have you told me? So, spoiler warning, right, if you're going to go see the mousetrap and anyone, then don't listen to the beginning of

this podcast. Don't listen to the bit before this. Don't listen to the bit just before this, right, because that will give away... That it was the policeman that done it. I've never seen the mousetrap. Well, why have you found out that it's the policeman, and why have you told me? That's common knowledge.

No, it's not. Well, how do I know, then? Why do I not know if it's common knowledge? You do know. I want to kiss you in the rain. Pardon? Nothing. How do I not know?

You do know, I've just told you. Well, what, yeah, but... Actually, I should, but it's not actually a policeman. What? What it is, right, is that the person you think is the policeman in the show isn't actually a policeman. Don't... And one of the other characters, right,

and I'm not going to tell you who it is, one of the other characters is an undercover policeman. So they work it out, they find out you're genuinely cross-eyed, you. Yeah. You're so handsome when you're angry. What? Do you ever worry with role mops? I don't...

I'll tell you what, right, straight away, I've never had a worry involving a Royal Mop. No, listen, do you ever worry that a dad's Royal Mop is ever going to come and get you to punish you

for eating all his babies? No, I don't know. I'm mad with that sometimes. Especially when I've had the ones from Marks & Spencers. Why? Because they're a bit smaller. They took all the skin off

at Marks & Spencers and made them quite small and they're just bite-sized but they're really nice much nicer than normal Royal Mops. So why are you going to see the mousetrap?

Just with my dad and my brother and sister and step mum. Okay that'll be enjoyable for everyone. Just for a nice evening watch the mousetrap. Yeah.

Well now you can be well here we go you're complaining about me telling you you've done it. Well yeah. It's a waste of a ticket really isn't it?

No it's not. No it's not right. About three quarters in right? Yeah. Just start nudging him and going, I know he's done it. I know he's... I've worked this out.

I don't think he's a real policeman. And they'll go, no, he... And you go, no, you wait and see. I bet you anything. I could put money on it, couldn't I? I could go Ladbrokes and put money on it. Do the other bookies at the theatre? Probably.

I bet they do, yeah, for the mousetrap. I've got bookies there, and you put a bet on who you think did it. That'd be a brilliant thing to do, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be. Except people

would probably find out. Yeah. Don't they change it sometimes? Nope. Don't think so. Do they not? Nope.

It's such an urban legend. No, it's probably what you invented in your head when you felt guilty about telling me who did it. I don't feel guilty

about it at all. Why not? Why would I feel guilty about it? You've just wasted a ticket to the show. I've not wasted a ticket. You still see the show.

Yeah, but there's no tension. There's nothing. Of course there's tension. Oh, are they going to feel good about that. You've just wasted a ticket to the show. I've not wasted a ticket. You still see the show. Yeah, but there's no tension. There's nothing. Of course there's tension. Oh, are they going to remember the lines? It's dead long, this one. Will they all get through it? Is the set going to stay up? Yeah.

Will there be a fire? Will Ed's dad stay awake? Yeah, it's all the ones. Your dad's been promoting our podcast this week. He has, yeah. Bless him for that. The Peabody and Gamble podcast. Yeah, I him for that. The Peabody and Gamble podcast. Yeah, I heard about that.

The Peabody and Gamble podcast. Apparently your dad's been doing a proper promote of us. Which is good. I mean, if anything, that will make sure that we sell out our live show. I think Peabody's a better name for you. Because it's ironic, isn't it? Oh, mate, arse. God, I want to suck you.

What? I'm just saying that... I was just saying about the live show, though. Yeah. We've got to promote that, haven't we? Oh, yeah. Yeah, come on. Buy them all up and come.

Yeah. Buy them all up with a bit of money. Tell you what, if you think, oh, I don't really have anyone to go with, maybe go on the Facebook page and say, hey, I don't have anyone to come with. Can I meet a load of people in London and we'll all go down

together after a slap up dinner at Nando's yeah start your own group called the social outcast group yeah if you're just one

person right and you haven't got any friends there's probably other podcast listeners who are also one person who haven't got any friends

start a group and all come as a gang if you can organise a gang right of over 50 people who haven't bought tickets yet and you can prove it, so 50 more people buy tickets and you all organise for dinner,

then we will come and be the guests of honour at the head of the table at the dinner and have our napkins tucked in our collars and throw the bones to the dog at the banquet. Well, Ed says that. But, I mean, what he means by that is he will come and be the guest of honour. I'm not paying for the meal. At your banquet.

I can't, unfortunately, because I don't live in London. Yeah, but you will be at London because we are going to do the live show. Yeah, but then when it's finished, I'm going home. No, but we're having a meal beforehand. So before the live show, rather than going and setting up the theatre and stuff, you want to go out with a load of unpopular children. I'm trying to get more people to buy tickets, play along. I'm not actually going to go.

How's that going to make them buy tickets? No, shut up, right? They're already social outcasts. I'm not going to really go. I'm going to send a bucket with a football on the top with a face drawn on it and a mop head for air. And that will fool them. If it's got a bucket, why does it need a football as well?

No, the bucket supports the football for the head. And on the chair, so that the head pokes above the table. So the bucket is the upper body. The bucket's the football for the head. And on the chair, so that the head pokes above the table. So the bucket is the upper body. The bucket's the body. I see. And I might, if they are lucky, I will draw a bow tie on the bucket and tip X.

Yeah, so, that's what I was saying is, if you're a youngster, right, who hasn't got any friends, but you want to come to the live show, you want to come to London, where there's loads of crime and stuff

and go for a meal with a pretend person made out of a bucket with a football on the top of it, if that's where your life has got to, then ring up for a ticket now to Kingspace which is 0207 520 1490 or go to kingspace.co.uk

it's on the 19th of December that's when you're having your meal with Buckethead man enjoy that you're like a fit bear what? nothing

I had an idea when I was in Quick Fit oh what was it? right I think you know because to put wheels on an house and then

no not like you know when because when To put wheels on an house and then... No, not an house. You know when... Because when you go to the garage, well, you don't know this because you don't drive yet, but when you go to... I've been to a garage.

I know, but when you go to... Yeah, but have you ever been to a garage and then come out of it a £500 lighter? Yeah. When? Fight Club. You're making this up, aren't you?

Yeah. Well, it's a horrible feeling because you've got to get it done. Yeah. But I had this idea about how to make sure you don't get ripped off a garage. Oh.

There was always... There was another time I came out, 500 pound lighter from a garage. Illegal liposuction. Yeah, that's... Yeah. Oh. Oh, hug me in the woods. Oh, I want to do you from behind.

What? But the thing is, because you always feel like... I always feel like that i'm being ripped off yeah i'm always worried that i'm being ripped off because i don't really know too much about cars yeah so because of that um i've had this idea to make sure that you don't get ripped off at a garage how have you done that which i'm going to start doing what i'm going to do from now on was when i go to a garage for any repairs to my car and i would advise our listeners to do this if you have cars and i think if we do this then we can beat the cowboys basically you

get a shoulder bag right right and you cut an owl in the side of it right and you stick like a video camera lens just through the owl right that's brilliant or it could be an old camera you've got a bible from an oxford yeah an old camera don't work or it's just gotta have a lens sticking out of it right which which you make sure they can see, but you don't reference it. Right, as if you think they can't see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a brilliant idea. Just do that, and then say,

does it really need new tyres? Lift the bag up slightly every time you say something. And if they say yes, then you know that it does really need new tyres. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are the brakes really worn? That's a brilliant idea. So we start doing that in future? Yeah.

You've got quite fit legs haven't you even though you're big. What? Huh? So you've got quite a sort of old laptop there you're using for

the recording. It's not old. It's a couple of years old. Bit out of fashion. Bit out of fashion? Yeah I got a new one. I know you did.

Who bought it you? I got it. You bought it yourself? Yeah. You bought your laptop yourself? Yeah. Yeah you're going. Who bought it, you? Yeah, I got it. You bought it yourself? Yeah. You bought your laptop yourself? Yeah. Yeah, you're going to swear on that, are you? Yeah.

Fuck, fuck. You're going to swear on your mother's life about that? Yeah. Go on, then. Yeah, swear on her life. You swear on your mother's life? Yeah, fuck, fuck. You bought it yourself?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. And who did buy it in real life? Yeah, she did. Oh, she bought it? So if she dies... So not only... If she dies, then I can get more of them. If she dies, then you don't have to pay it back. Yeah. Yeah, nice one. Oh, she bought it? So if she dies... So not only... If she dies, then I can get more of them.

If she dies, then you don't have to pay her back. Yeah. Yeah, nice one. That's a good idea, actually, that. You should get your

mum to get you a laptop and then swear on her life that she didn't and then she will die and then you don't have to pay her back. That's a brilliant idea.

Cheers, mate. Thanks. Yeah, well done, mate. What sort did you get? Black one. Black one, yeah. Is it a Dell? Yeah, Dell.

Is it a Dell? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Got all the buttons on it. E, E, Z. I it a Dell? Yeah, Dell. Is it a Dell? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Got all the buttons on it. E, E, Z. I got all them. It sounds brilliant. Space.

Yeah. Got all them right. It sounds brilliant in your computer. Cheers, mate. Thanks. Got the internet on it. All of the internet. Not even missed any of the bits of the internet off it.

Yeah? Yeah. Any website. Tell me a website. I'll go on it. Okay, that's good. I drain you in my mouth. What? What? What website do you want? I'll go on it right okay that's good I drain you in my mouth what?

what? what website do you want I'll go on it you've got your computer with you yeah but I can go on it at home and text you I've got internet

on my computer alright it's quite good if you've got to sort of up new internet the up to date internet yeah yeah

I've got the 2009 internet right okay is that another one? no I've got a 2009X have you got Windows 7? yeah Is that another one? No, I've got a 2009X. Have you got Windows 7? Yeah. Have you? Is it any good?

Yeah, it's brilliant. Why? Solid air. Yeah. How much was this laptop, Ed? £450. £450? Yeah.

That's alright for a laptop. Yeah. Mine was just under £1000. But that was a few weeks ago. What? But that was a few years ago. Mate, your laptop is brilliant compared to mine. Just off it, I know. Oh, yeah. I think, yeah. Let me kiss your laptop. And your arse. What?

Or nothing. I think laptops are a lot cheaper now, aren't they? So don't worry about that. Well, what I'm saying is, like, you do all this, you're always like, oh, I do all the shit on the podcast. Well, don't do that. Hang on. I plug in the microphones and do all the recording on my lappy top. Oh, and then I have to do the editing and Ed just goes home. Yeah, well, hang on. I don't do that. Right, you do it in that voice as well. You do it in that voice. All that bothers me is I'm doing all that, right?

And then I'll ring you for a break and go, what are you doing? See if you might be doing some writing or something for either a telly thing or for the live show or something. What are you doing? I'm watching MasterChef. It's then when I've when I've been editing for like five hours straight

and I go well hang on this isn't really that fair no well that's what I'm saying like you're always whining about the editing yeah but you can do

five hours straight I reckon I could do in about ten minutes the way the way it sounds when it comes out at the end like a child's done it with a pretty stick

yeah so yeah I'll do the next section. Well, just edit the rest of this section. All right, okay. All right, starting from now. This is Ed's editing. Go.

Yeah. Whacking away at a baby. Yeah. You do it from a distance. I know that they... But then there's still, I think, one... Basically, it's... You start to use some sort of... I have no issue with it. And it's basically... Yeah. You may as well get your hands, I think, one. Basically, you start to use some sort of light.

I have no issue with it. And it's basically, it's like... Yeah. You may as well get your hands dirty. Right then. Well, the flashlight... Cut that out, baby. Oh, what?

If you find normal or putting a... On the off chance that it will spunk up. And that was your section that you edited, was it? Yeah. Ed, what's the ultimate irony to this section? You had to do that bit. I would have edited it, wouldn't I? Yeah, yeah.

I watched a man eat an entire cucumber on the tube the other day. What's worse, the fact he did that or you watched him eat the whole thing? Is that a dumb thing? To watch a man eat a cucumber? No, not the watching. I know that that's wrong. But he liked it. But I still enjoyed watching it.

But somebody eating an apple, that's fine. And eating an orange, whatever. I bet you're not in that. But I mean, I get it. Is a cucumber now a snack? No, I don't think. I think a bit of a cucumber might be. No, it was eating...

How big was it? It was eating like a proper half cucumber. A half cucumber. Well, I don't know. I didn't see him start. I don't know how much he... It might have been a whole cucumber. It could have been a prize winning cucumber for all I know.

I don't know. He only got on it East Finchley. I think a whole cucumber might be a bit far. He didn't seem to be very conscious of it or aware of it. He just seemed, he was just happily

going about his business eating a cucumber. What, literally just munching it all down? Yeah, just chomping away. Yeah, I suppose it's sort of designed maybe quite well

to just eat. He was eating it in a weird way though. He was like sort of taking edges off it and that. Oh, that is mental. That's perverted.

He was eating a cucumber like it was corn on the cob. It was like sort of taking edges off it and that oh that is mental that's perverted he was eating a cucumber like it was corn on the cob it was like he thought he might have been blind he was eating it like corn on the cob leaving the middle bit leaving the middle bit

there is no middle bit of cucumber is there not well there's the seeds the watery seeds yeah you can eat them yeah you can eat them but some people don't like the smell of cucumber

anyway do they there's a certain percentage of the world that don't call the world a cunt sorry mate I was just being a bit controversial today anywhere, do they? There's a certain percentage of the world that... Don't call the world a cunt. Sorry, mate.

I was just being a bit controversial today. A certain population of the globe that can smell cucumber really acutely. Right. So they can't eat it. Like, they can smell

a chemical in it. Is this true? Yeah, I think so, yeah. You can say anything and say, yes, I think it is true. No, it is true. I know someone who had this, that they could smell cucumber.

One of my housemates at university. She could smell like a chemical in cucumber, and I've met a few people who've said that. Not everyone else can smell, but it puts them off eating it. How do they know other people can't smell it? I know what a cucumber smells like. But can you smell like a chemically smell? Well, I can smell cucumber.

But can you smell like a chemical? How do we know what the perception of chemical smell is? What I smell might be what somebody else considers a chemically smell well i can smell cucumber but can you smell that chemical well how do we know what the perception of chemical smell is what i smell might be what somebody else considers a chemically smell yeah do you see in color yeah how do i know what you might think color is just like black and white exactly yeah that's true but i do but i know i know by by populist agreement yeah insofar as if you just go right there is a table of colors yeah and people go yeah i can see the difference in all them yeah so that will rule it out from being black and white yeah but the fact is yeah you could but they could be seeing completely different colors to you as well that's fine that's fine but there's still colors aren't they yeah i don't mind if i'm seeing

completely different colors i've no issue with that yeah but what i'm saying is is that i mean i wouldn't have a cucumber on the tube what What I'm saying is, right, is cucumbers haven't got a chemical smell, right, and anyone who says that they have just attention seeking. They just don't like

cucumber. But I can't eat celery. Hey, here's an interesting fact about celery. I bet you don't know, right? Do you know?

Yeah. That celery, I bet I do know. Now listen, it's the only food, right, you can eat if you're allergic

to all the others gonna get some flyers printed for the live show I think yeah get them all printed up with our fit faces on give it all to the audience

coming out of Russell Howard's show when I do the warm up for that yeah I wanna grow old together with you yeah get all them all into play nothing

we're not in the competition section we should run both together just the ends and see what happens what? the competition section which is the continuing

story of Fraser to be honest with you I'm not enjoying this no thanks everyone for joining in yeah cheers and that but just shut up

no I don't mean that no don't shut up because we need you to do it but let's I think we should now start wrapping the shut up because we need you to do it but let's I think we should now start wrapping the story up yeah so let's say two more things

so the next one we pick yeah next week should be the second to last bit penultimate yeah the ultimate pen right and then the last bit should be the last bit

yeah and I think that's not confusing and then let's never speak of this competition again yeah but but well done in that and the other day we got a message

on iTunes from some boy saying, oh, I like this podcast, but if you like this one, here's one I think you'll prefer. Right.

Right. A bit brazen. Yeah, and it was called the Ice Podcast. Right. Right. Now, luckily when

I got there, somebody had already left a message about us and saying what a rip-off it was of us. And I tell you what, the bits that I

listened to they were bad they were like pirate videos right of us right okay right I tell you what

I mean I wouldn't be surprised if this section we're doing now yeah and us talking about them yeah is in their show

next week and it seems to be happening quite a lot it's like a lot of student radio stations and stuff I've noticed when they send the blurbs out and they send them

to us saying oh and we've got another complaint letter oh and stuff from the last podcast we used to do the old Ray Peacock

podcast and people went oh we've got more ghost stories this week and you're like what the fuck what's going on

are you giving letters for RG as well what's going on so just be aware right if you're going to rip us off, fine. Don't send us a message

about it. But don't fucking try and get us to join your group. And don't try and get us to come and listen to it because that's how you'll get phoned out. And don't think

because it's student radio or because you're not getting paid for it that it's not plagiarism because it is. Right, so go on. Right, right, here's the competition for these twats. Let's get these fucking idiots out. right so go on right

right here's the competition for these twats let's get these fucking idiots and I hate and because of those few people

I hate you all now yeah it's made it's made us hate all our audience yeah apart from this bloke who's come third right who's third

right I didn't I don't even know what he wrote I didn't write it down mate wait till you hear it right he's definitely third though point of this competition

is it's a story mate he lives in LA no way yep LA America LA America right guess what his name is right

I don't know Alan Van Dyke I'm not joking he lives in LA right home of the stars yeah Alan Van Dyke right I think there's a good chance

he is related to Barry Van Dyke maybe he's just called himself Alan as a pseudonym and it could be I think it could be Dick or Barry I chance it is related to Barry Van Dyke. Maybe he's just called himself Alan as a pseudonym. And it could be Dick or Barry. I think it is Dick or

Barry. Is that Dick or Barry? I mean, how many Van Dykes can there be? Well, I know there's Dick, right? Head of the tree. Yeah.

Barry is his son. I think this is Alan. I've never heard of Alan Van Dyke. Do you think it'd be Dick or Barry? Yeah, it could be Dick or Barry, that.

So Van Dyke, third place. Second place, Ebbs. Oh, well, you don't know that yet. It's got to be Ebbs. You don't know that yet. All right, who's second place? so this is I've never heard of Alan Van Dyke do you think it'd be Dick and Barry yeah it's gotta be Dick and Barry that so Van Dyke third place second place Ebbs oh well you don't know that yet it's gotta be Ebbs you don't know that yet alright who's second place

Ebbs yeah of course it is right second again Ebbs right here we go Ebbs what are you doing Ebbs is second place right Ebbs second again

you'll see why Ebbs right here we go I revved up the moped and sped after the numerous policemen and the speeding wheelchair which I realised contained a screaming Fraser and a cardboard cutout of Princess Diana holding a Down Syndrome.

As I drew closer, I realised that Fraser was veering off at a great speed down a hill and was heading right towards the local chippy. That is from Ebbs. Well, do you know what, Ebbs? I actually like that one. Right. I like the Princess Diana

and the Down Syndrome yeah but he's decided to be the sickest he can possibly be but do you know what he's done he's actually done a good entry

that he's then I reckon he wrote that without Princess Diana and the Down Syndrome and then went I'll tell you what I'm going to get first place here

I'll just whack in Lady Diana Down yeah so he's done it don't think we can't see what he did there, Abs. Yeah, yeah. So you're sabotaging yourself now, Abs.

Second place, Abs. You're mad, mate. Second. You're a little silver meddler. First place, Nicholas West. West. West in first place. West.

And he is from SF State. And I don't know where that is, but it sounds like Merica as well. Is that another Merica one? It might be Merica. Maybe we should do the live show in Merica. Whoa, do you think... How many people do you think would come or not?

If we did the Hollywood Bowl, I reckon we'd get 30,000. So let's do the Hollywood Bowl if it's even still there. I'm going to do it dressed up as Andrew Dice Clay. Nice. Right, okay, this is Nicholas West. West. Number one, here we go, Westall.

West wing. Go west. Simon Weston. Okay. String west. Okay. I will west you in the name of the law. Raise entry. come on.

Okay. I was barely able to catch a glimpse of a small bald person who looked to be holding a pink pastry box as the wheelchair sped down the hill towards the zoo. That is the winner. Nice one, mate.

So congratulations. Wiki wiki wow, wiki wiki wow, wiki wiki wow, well west. I'm thinking Wild Wild West. Time for complaint letters. Oh, thank God for that. It is a good one, isn't it? Yeah.

Time for it. And we should tell you, by the way, at the moment, the complaint letters are going to take a turn for the worse. They're not going to be as good in quality because we're saving the good ones that we do for the live show. And that goes for everything. Yes, every time we do it. Basically, don't be sat there going, tell you what, I mean, it's been going downhill,

but the quality on the Peacock and Gamble podcast, right, has proper fell off. It's not that. We are still well funny. It's just that everything proper funny we think of, live show. Straight into the live show. Straight into the live show. For the cool peeps.

Yes, so if you want to see us and do a staggering return to form if you want to see the big concert I mean this is it right

this I'm not messing right this concert right we're doing on the 19th of December at King's Place in London this is it

but anyway here's my B game letter your B game letter yeah because the A game has gone in the special box for the live podcast This is it. But anyway, here's my B game letter. Your B game letter. Yeah. Okay, cool. Because the A game has gone in the special box for the live podcast on the 19th of December at King's Place.

Even this sentence that I'm saying right now that you can hear that I'm saying now, that would be a lot funnier in a live show. Yeah. So if you ring up 0207 520 1490, get a ticket for that and watch it. You're not getting good stuff free, mate. This is, you've got to pay for the good stuff, mate. Anyway, shush and do my letter. Apart from the course, I've ended up writing

to someone who I've been involved with this week. So here we go. My complete letter to get free stuff. Dear Quick Fit. Yep. Right. I know that you will say I didn't, but I did come in your shop the other day and spent a fortune. I was dressed as an

handsome young man called Ray Peacock. But underneath the special effects, I am a woman of a family. And my name is Mrs Fraser and it is £7 for a blowy, £15 for full. I actually came down to your shop to do a recce because my son's Fraser's road tax is up soon and we need to get him MOT'd. Five pounds for French.

I know you will say a human doesn't need an MOT but he is barely that and he is sometimes in a wheelchair anyway so just get it done. You are authorized to do a full service to getting through it, and here is what stuff I reckon needs doing. One, new legs put on. Two, clean all his cancer out. Three, brake pads. Four, new eyes. Ideally Michelin, but just use pig ones if they're cheaper. Five, tune up his usefulness.

Six, unfuse his hands. And seven, spark plugs. I want all this and the MOT doing for free because this is a complaint letter. Basically, I think what Jonathan Ross and Russell Howard done to Manuel on the phone about his satanic slut grandma was well out of order.

And I don't pay my licence fee to watch that on the phone about his satanic slut grandma was well out of order and I don't pay my license fee to watch that on the radio. I'd definitely give Ed one. Mrs Fraser. P.S. I will do anal

but that is silly money. So that is my letter. I think this might be the week it's going to work mate. It is possibly

a pretty poor that. I mean we'll tell you now that I wrote that in between this and the last section. Yeah, see, I think that's good, right? But imagine what it's going to be like at the live show. Mate, imagine what the one that I've put some work into is going to be like. Mate, it's going to tear the roof off. It's going to be off the hook.

The roof's going to come off of it. I hope not. Yeah, so do I. Do you think we lose our deposit, though? Possibly, because it isn't even where we live for the live show, it's down a step isn't it? Yeah. So if the roof falls off, then all the people above it will all end up falling in it. Yeah, but then we've got a bigger audience.

Yeah, at least it will look full. That is a good point. I mean, I don't even mind if it's not full, as long as it looks full. Yeah, and everyone is friendly and point. I mean, it's not full as long as it looks full. Yeah, and everyone is friendly and that. Yeah. So, if you are coming,

then bring a, like, cardboard cutout of someone. Do you think we're sounding desperate? Yeah. But we're not, we're not though. I mean,

why are we begging people to come? Alright, don't come down, you pricks. Yeah, ah. Brilliant. Reverse psychology.

Alright then, excuse me, you bunch of dicks, right? Don't come to the live show we are doing we just want to be there by ourselves yeah having a chat like friends if you are not our friends if you came to live show well i would just fight you yeah so don't come to live show if you come to live show right i am gonna learn ninja and then before you know it you have come through the

door right you will just see a blur right of ed right? And I will do just a quick punch to your head, and you will not... You'll be like, oh, I just watched a live show. I just watched a live show. I don't even remember that happening. And you'll get home, and your brain will come out your dick. Yes, and that is if you're a man. Yeah. And if you're a woman one, right?

If you're a woman one... Right, and this is controversial, right? Then take your bra off. Yeah, take your bra off. Get your bra off, right? Get your bra off, and then I will stand in front of you, right? Don't take your bra off. Yeah, take your bra off. Get your bra off, right? Get your bra off, and then I will stand in front of you, right? Doing a punch,

and I know it's controversial because it's a woman and I'm a man, right? But I'll go, stomach, solar plexus, ed, dead. That's what I would do in one moment. That is if you come to the live show, right? Yeah, but do take your bra off.

Yeah, but do make sure you take your bra off if you are coming in. So if you think you can stand up to all that fighting... Then get a ticket. Then get a ticket. 027-520-1490 or kingsway.co.uk. Got to go now. And Eddie's yawning.

Don't tell them that. I wouldn't have bothered listening to this either the Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble all music by the Tiger Lilies except the last one

which is performed by Frank Sidebottom the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a big and dark production hosted by chortle.co.uk if you spotted the live mistake in this week's show tell us on our facebook page and you might win a prize see you next week I would lube you up and put my erect penis right into your anus and have sexual intercourse with you. Really, really penetrative and deep.

What? I said, happy Christmas.