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Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Ed Gamble reporting for duty.
Ray Peacock, ready and willing, start.
It's a weird week this week, isn't it?
It may, it's completely weird.
Because we had a podcast all planned out.
Yeah. All ready for doobie. I mean, we'll do, we'll have it's completely weird. Because we had a podcast all planned out. Yeah.
All ready for do it.
I mean, we'll do, we'll have little chats and stuff.
Well, I don't think I've even managed that, to be honest.
Look at me, I'm shaking.
You are shaking.
I'm still shaking.
I know, and do you know what?
I have actually done some wee in my pants.
Not a stupid amount, but some.
Yeah, a bit of giddy wee.
Giddy wee is all coming out of my knob.
Yeah.
Because, right, we've just found out, me and Adam just found out, that Peter Kay, he's
only coming back to stand-up.
I don't, I mean, even as you say it now, I get an erection.
Yeah, he's coming back to stand-up, because apparently, when he was writing his new book,
he thought, I like doing stand-up.
Yeah.
I'd do it again.
Which is literally a thought he had in his head.
Yeah, he had this thought, right?
That we all know about now.
And you're all thinking, you're all sat there going, oh, they're going to take the piss
out of Peter Kay.
Oh, I bet Ray says something like,
as if I wasn't fucking annoyed enough
with Michael McIntyre all the time.
Now Peter Kay's fucking doing it again.
So more banal fucking shit.
That's what you think I'm going to say.
Yeah, but he never would.
And I'm not.
I wouldn't say that because I am a fan of Peter Kay.
We have got all his videos, haven't we?
Yeah.
Well, we shared them, don't we?
Because we have our Peter Kay shed.
We watch them together.
We watch them together.
Because we have hired a shed on an allotment.
Yeah.
Which is Ray and Ed's Peter Kay shed.
We joint own them.
Yeah, so we will go down there now and again
and meet up and text and say,
want to go to shed?
We have it in code so no one else knows.
We write it in lemon juice on a letter
and then put it above the heater, right?
Sometimes it just says PKVCR, question mark.
Yeah, exactly, yeah. And we get down there, right, and we just watch the videos and we'll
put the heater on.
Got all the ones.
We've got a heater, right, but we call it Heater K, right?
Yeah, because everything in that shed yeah it's all it's all peter k related
yeah i mean but sometimes we've got this funny thing where we call it we call it sometimes the
garlic shed that is the thing that we sometimes do in our Peter Kay club that we have, right?
We put the heat of Kay on in the garlic shed.
So basically, you can imagine now how excited we are about Peter Kay doing his comeback. I mean, I'm looking forward to our trip to Manchester for four nights.
Yeah, he's doing four nights in Manchester.
It's a bit of the Emmy Arena, though.
Yeah.
Which he feels just like home, he said.
Yeah.
So we're probably looking forward to it.
We've got all the videos, all the ones.
On Blackpool Tower, got that one.
On the tower one.
A, my mum is silly.
My mum's bungalow rainbow, whatever it was.
Yeah, I think it was that, yeah.
Yeah, we've got that one.
And we've got all the ones,
the ones where they live in a pub.
Yeah, that Peter Kay thing.
Yeah, got that one as well.
I actually like that one
so this week
we'll chat about Peter
and we're you know
sharing our memories of him
yeah
I call him Mr Kay
our best bits
I suppose
but I mean
we could do it like
as if we know him
I know we've never met
I've never met him
have you ever met him
no
I've never met him
I've never met him
but I bet he's brilliant
yeah
but sometimes we all
put the masks on
won't we
in the garlic shed that doesn't count as meeting him though really but I know what you mean yeah but sometimes we all put the masks on won't we in the garlic shed
that doesn't count
as meeting him though
really
but I know what you mean
it feels like we're meeting him
but we're not really
so this week
we'll have a chat about stuff
but none of the regular sections
this week
we'll round up the competition
we've got to do that
but I just want to
talk about Peter Kay
as much as we can
it's turned the comedy world
on its head
him coming back
and I don't think we can
in good faith
go back into the old sections
when at the back
of everyone's
mind is when when
comedy has changed
Peter Kay is back
yeah it's like we are
in an house that's
spinning around in a
storm like Wizard of
Oz isn't it and we've
landed right and um
well that analogy
won't stretch that far
but I'm saying it is
we're just glad Peter
Kay's back and I think
what we should do in
the final section today
because we're such big
fans yeah me and you
right we should go away
separately and write
down what we think
material he's going
to do.
Excellent.
On his new tour.
Cool.
I don't even want to
do any other sections
this week.
Why?
Because I want to do
all Peter Kay stuff.
Yeah I know.
But we've got to do
normal stuff haven't
we?
It's reminding me
about that and now
I've got all giddy
again.
Yeah and also I've literally just shdy again. Yeah, and also,
I'll tell you what.
I've literally just shat myself.
Just keep that there.
A lot of Peter Kay stuff
is always on Channel 4.
Bit annoyed with Channel 4.
Why?
3D week,
all last week.
Yeah,
I didn't watch any of it.
I didn't either,
do you know why?
No.
I didn't get any glasses
from Sainsbury's.
Fucking hell, man.
I didn't have any fucking hair.
I went to Sainsbury's,
you got any glasses?
No,
run out.
For fuck's sake.
Peter Kay in 3D on in a minute.
Oh,
you're joking me,
aren't you?
No,
it's on in a minute. Do you know what? I once had this really sexy dream where Peter Kay in 3D on in a minute oh you're joking me aren't you no it's on in a minute
do you know what
I once had this
really sexy dream
where Peter Kay
was doing a gig
on my coffee table
and if
if I could in some way
replicate that
or make it
seem like he was
standing on the coffee table
then I would have
I had a really
really sexy dream
right
where it was in like
Arabia
like
the Middle East, right?
Like, Arabian nights.
Arabia, yeah, I remember Arabia.
I went in, like, this Bedouin tent and Peter Kay was just all on the chaise longue with, like, a veil on his face all doing a gig.
Mate, I know exactly, I can picture exactly what you mean because I think that costume that he was wearing is one that they used once in the Bugs Bunny film.
I think Bugs Bunny dressed up like that once
and he had big red lipstick on it as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I know what you mean.
Oh God, that is fucking sexy, isn't it?
That is sexy, him doing that
and all these jokes at the same time
and all dressed up.
And also, do you know what would be extra sexy about it?
What?
Him not breathing in.
Like, not even trying to hide it.
Just all letting it out.
Just literally letting it all
just lock out.
And his bosoms, right?
If he's got, like,
little bosoms,
like men bosoms.
Yeah.
Like, not even trying to...
Like, we have got them,
but we don't know if he's got them,
but he might do.
Mate, I have got them, right?
Yeah.
But they're very different
when I'm asleep
to when I'm awake.
What do you mean?
If I'm asleep,
I'll just relax
and they just all flop down
like a pair of ladies' knockers.
Yeah.
But when I'm awake,
I'll push my shoulders back a bit
and I'll make it into more of a...
I don't bother.
Well, that's what I find sexy.
Is if Peter Cade just didn't bother.
Do you know what?
I would fucking love it
if Peter Cade didn't bother.
Anyway, this week, right?
This week, I've been away all week.
Yeah, I've missed you, mate.
Yeah, cheers, man.
I've been on a little Yorkshire tour.
I've been doing the Kill for a Seat gigs
up in Yorkshire. Kill for a Seat. If you evershire tour. I've been doing the Kill for a Seat gigs up in Yorkshire.
Kill for a Seat.
If you ever have gigs near you that are run by Kill for a Seat,
I will heartily endorse them.
They're always, always lovely gigs.
They're run by a guy called Silk.
He's a brilliant comic.
Great gigs.
And I've thoroughly enjoyed myself.
But I had a little bit of a dark cloud hanging over me.
Oh, no.
At one point, I stayed up at the caravan in Fleetwood,
which me and you have stayed at before.
We have.
So I stayed there, even though it wasn't that handy
yeah
but unfortunately
my brother who's 28
or something
has moved back in
with his parents
that's my mum and dad
right
so there's nowhere
for me to sleep
he's only moved there
for a bit
when he starts out
with new house
so I stayed at the caravan
I caught a power cut
off you
really stormy
northwest
and you'd had a power cut
one day
yeah and I sneezed it out
told me over the phone
yeah
I said to you
even when you said it
I said don't tell me don't say it out loud that you have done the phone. Yeah. I said to you even when you said it, I said, don't tell me,
don't say it out loud
that you have done a power cut.
It's like swine flu.
You've got to contain it.
Yeah.
That's how power cuts spread.
You've not had your
power cut vaccination yet,
That happened in the 70s.
What you had, right,
is people going,
oh, they were rolling power cuts.
It was to do with that
Labour government at the time.
Bollocks.
It wasn't that.
It was because all the busybody women
used to all go down the post office
and bitch to each other
about oh did you have
a power cut last night
oh I did have one
and then it spreads
the power cut round
and before you know it
I'm at the caravan
freezing me bollocks
off again
not being able to
understand in my sleep
why the hair dryer
I've used to warm up
the bed isn't working
anymore
well I had a power cut
for like 12 hours, mate.
I know, it's unbelievable.
It's not nice, is it?
No, it's horrible.
I didn't know what to do.
I usually have my iPod on
when I go to sleep.
Me too.
I was going to bed
at about a quarter to two
in the morning,
something like that.
Power went as I was
getting into bed, right?
Oh, shit.
I was like,
oh, what have I sat on?
Fucking Sainsbury's
with the glasses.
Go on, I know what you mean.
So I go into bed, right?
All the power's out.
I can't put my iPod on
so I can't sleep.
I'm like,
oh, well I'll just read a book.
Can't.
No lights.
Literally couldn't do anything.
Can't sleep without your power.
In the morning I felt like
a bloody caveman.
Genuinely,
within about eight hours
I nearly ran outside
of my boxes
and killed a squirrel
for breakfast.
Yeah.
Tell you what,
you'd have been better off as a caveman.
You would.
You would be better off as a caveman
than being a bloke with no power.
You would be.
I'd say you could get one of them birds,
cockatoo or whatever they are,
just get a record made out of rock
and then shove it on a rock record player, right?
And just push the bird's head on it.
Its beak on it.
That would play the record, that would.
Oh, what?
I need to pave over the drive.
Oh, get a pelican mixed with cement in its beak.
Yeah, that's the best way of doing it.
Get the drive through in order of a massive chop.
That would pull the car over, though. How would you get to the drive through, anyway and order a massive chop. Yeah. Yeah, we pulled a car over, though.
How would you get to the drive-thru, anyway?
Oh, just run on the floor.
Put your letter in the bottom and make it.
I'll tell you what, if you didn't want to do your own drive, by the way,
you said about concreting the drive,
then I reckon that there's probably a company that'll do that.
Yeah.
Like a big company called Rockerfellas or something.
I suppose
if I wanted rocks
for my drive, right?
Yeah.
If it were a bit heavy
to move around
I suppose I could sit
on a brontosaurus
and then slide down
its neck at the end
of the day.
Yeah, but make sure
you do it on your feet
and then land in your car.
If you do that.
I've said for ages
you'd be better off
as a caveman.
Do you know George Lamb?
No.
You've said this already.
You said to me earlier on
can we do a section
where was it
you're George Lamb's agent
I'd be George Lamb's agent
and I'm George Lamb.
You'd be George Lamb.
I don't know who George Lamb is.
You've seen him before.
He's presented
Big Brother's Little Mouth
or whatever.
Big Brother's Little Brother.
I'm certain I've never seen him.
He's got a show on BBC Six Music.
You told me that he looked like he was dead behind the eyes.
That could be fucking anyone.
He wears a bow tie, as a matter of course.
I really don't get that.
You'd recognise him if you saw him, I think.
Anyway, I saw him presenting a programme last night,
and I just want to imagine the conversation that he had with his agent.
What was the programme? Well, you'll find out in the phone call. Who might be him? You programme last night, and I just want to imagine the conversation that he had with his agent that led to him.
Well, you'll find out in the phone call.
Okay.
Who might be him?
You're George Lamb.
Right.
I'm his agent.
How does he talk?
Where's he from?
Just very bland.
Just all very bland.
Right.
Right.
Brr, brr, brr.
Have you picked up?
Oh, he's the agent's friend, George Lamb.
I'm phoning him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've got a job for him.
Okay, brilliant.
Brr, brr, brr, brr.
Hello.
George, it's your agent.
Oh, hello.
Barry. Yeah, I guess so. All right, it's it's barry here got a program for you okay right i know you're wanting to push on further in your career
with the presenting and that ideally get to a bit of a better platform and well i've heard a whisper
that ray peacock can't remember me right okay yeah so we really want to crack on with this
got a got a program for you it It's BBC Free. Oh, good.
Yeah, so it's your sort of thing.
Very young, hip audience.
In fact, the word young is in the title.
How old am I again?
About, I mean, could be 40.
Okay.
We don't know yet.
I've got no idea, to be honest.
I'll be honest with you, Barry.
I can't remember.
I mean, you wear kooky clothes, but you might be 40.
Yeah, okay.
Right, so it's got young in the title, so it's quite a hip sort of programme.
Yeah.
So, you up for it?
Yeah, why is it?
It's on quite late.
I wasn't...
Okay.
Wondering about that.
On quite late.
It's...
I beg your pardon?
Young Butcher of the Year.
Oh, right.
Yeah, well, I'd be up for doing that, definitely.
All right, then.
Bye.
Bye.
Young Butcher of the Year.
On BBC Three?
BBC Three, yeah. Unless this was a fucking Teenage Serial Killers, then I... on BBC 3 BBC 3 yeah
unless this was a fucking
teenage serial killer
then I
you know it was for butchers
for young butchers
it was sort of like
X Factor for butchers
wow
yeah
do you know that I'm a trained butcher
yeah I know
did you know that
yeah you told me that
I can be a butcher
yeah you can do any meat
can't you
yeah I can do more meat
lamb
alright we'd name all the cuts
of a lamb
pig
do you know what
I actually could
but it wouldn't be
a very good podcast
so who won it
who won it
some bloke
I mean I did watch
quite a lot of it
I bet it was that
Ashley from
Coronation Street
he's on everything
did a gig last night in, where was that now?
Helmsley.
Sweet swoon.
In very North York.
You have to drive up a mountain to get there.
Whoa.
You have to drop down second gear in the car.
And it's proper steep.
Is it?
Proper steep.
But I did a gig there.
Lovely gig in a theatre there.
Helmsley Arts Centre.
Really, really nice.
Great heckle.
It wasn't even a heckle, actually.
There was a bit where I was talking about when I used
to do the warm-up on
Deal or No Deal.
Yeah.
Talked about that in the
audience, and I said to
them, I didn't sign
anything to say I wouldn't
tell any secrets about it.
Yeah.
So, ask me any questions.
Yeah.
I'd give them the
opportunity to ask me
anything about Deal or
No Deal.
Yeah.
What would you expect
the first question to be?
Who's the banker?
That's what I would have
expected the first question
to be.
So, the first question
was, was there just one
Mr Blobby, or did he have loads of them?
It's not even about deal or no deal.
And I went, well, hang on.
What do you think Mr. Blobby is?
I went, you know it's a man in a suit.
Do you mean did he have loads of suits?
Or were you saying, are there a society of Blobbies? And he went, no a man in a suit do you mean do they have loads of suits or were you saying
are there a society
of blobbies
and he went
no I'm not
so did it
like what I wanted to
is it like one
or do they have like
is it five or six
or something
to be honest with you
I probably shouldn't talk
I've drunk too much
and that was the Q&A section
that was brilliant
it was amazing
yeah
oh brilliant
it's the part of the show
we all look forward to
the competition
hooray
where we write
the Fraser story
another line every week
another line every
another line
every week
you thick fuckers
right
so the
tell you what
the competition
we've decided already
finished now it's finished it's all over it's stopped you will never know the end of that story Right, so I'll tell you what, the competition, we've decided already. Finished now.
It's finished.
It's all over.
It's stopped.
You will never know the end of that story.
Yeah, but we are releasing the book for children in need.
Yeah, it's going to be children adventure.
You can all different ways off on it.
Yeah.
We watched Children in Need last night.
I think that it might be better to just let the kids die.
Yeah.
I'll be honest, they might appreciate it more.
What is worse?
Yeah.
What is worse?
Watching the EastEnders cast
do that
or kids dying?
I'm telling you now,
I think kids dying
is better.
Right,
so everyone's been
disqualified.
Yeah,
this week,
all entries disqualified.
Right,
Jack Metcalf and Nigel Hill.
Yeah,
I know why they're disqualified.
Yeah,
tell us.
Infighting. Infighting and threatening behaviour. Th Metcalf and Nigel Hill. Yeah, I know why they're disqualified. Yeah, tell us. Infighting.
Infighting and threatening behaviour.
Threatening behaviour and infighting.
They had a row with each other.
Yeah.
And then they realised that they probably were quite similar,
so they decided to gang up on someone else.
Unbelievable.
So you're both disqualified.
You're out.
If you want to read any of their entries,
just go on the Facebook page to the discussion section.
You can read their entries,
but I'm not going to give them the oxygen of publicity.
Disqualified.
Yeah, disqualified.
Matt Ebbs. Disqualified. Disqualified, Ebbs. Not even second place this week, Matt Ebbs. Too long. Far too long. Yeah. Far too long. One line
we said, Ebbs. Yeah, stupid Ebbs. John Baldwin. Disqualified. Disqualified. Yep. Said he was
going to kill us, so that's enough to disqualify us. He was sulking because he hadn't been
mentioned in the podcast. Yeah. He was sulking and he ended up being angry with himself
and then he tried to take that out on our existence.
See, you've been mentioned now, Baldwin, but you're a pariah, mate.
Yeah.
Well done, Baldwin, on getting mentioned.
Please don't kill us, Mike Baldwin.
Martin Lee Smith.
Disqualified.
Disqualified.
Too long again.
Like Ebbs, all right?
First, I don't know, first you go and kill JFK.
That's one.
Topical.
Tire, yeah.
And now you have done an entry
too long for the competition.
Why don't Martin and Ebs get married?
Yeah.
I'll tell you why,
because you'll write your own vows
and we'll all be there till Tuesday.
Alien.
Yeah, that's right.
Alex Crone.
Yeah.
Disqualified.
Yeah, because we don't agree with Croning.
Because we think that he should just be God's way, shouldn't he?
Yeah, exactly.
Leave Dolly alone.
Can't make a Newman being, can you not?
So Alex Crone, you're disqualified for not being a real person.
And he dropped a C-bomb out of his mouth plane.
And that's why he was disqualified for saying the C-bomb.
Yeah.
Dan Chasemore.
I know why he was disqualified.
Racism. Racism. And real. Yeah. Dan Chasemore. I know why he was disqualified. Racism.
Racism.
And real life racism.
Hugh Mazie.
Disqualified for not understanding
what the competition was.
Hugh Mazie disqualified
for basically wandering
onto the forum
eating a pasty
and saying
what's going on here then.
End of the competition.
Thanks for all your answers
but now you can all bugger off.
End of the competition.
Thanks for all your answers,
but now you can all bugger off.
A mutual friend of ours has asked me to ask you about a fancy dress story.
Oh, right, okay.
Because apparently she said that it's a funny story.
Well, I'm not sure it's funny.
I think it's embarrassing.
I still find it embarrassing.
Well, I have had it off of her.
Right, all right.
Right, just say no.
Just in case people are sat there thinking, does Ray never have it off with no one? Well, this mutual friend of mine, I have had it off of her. Right, all right. Right, just so you know. Just in case people are sat there thinking,
does Ray never have it off with no one?
Well, this mutual friend of me and Ed, right,
I have done her.
I have done her, right.
I thought this was a story about my fancy dress.
I'm just telling you one of the things that we did.
All right.
She's had it in her mouth.
And I'm not even, that's not even a lie.
She's had it in her mouth.
Dirty thing.
Yeah, so. I find it hard to respect her.
Because she has had my ding dong in her mouth.
You've never said ding dong before.
Don't worry though,
because one day,
as a little treat in return,
I kissed her on the Rudy.
So don't worry about that.
In case some of the feminists who listen to this are thinking, Oh, you don't worry about that in case in case some of the feminists
who listen to this
are thinking
oh you don't mind it
you don't mind it
take take take
you don't mind
the look of your tinkle
but
but it's a different matter
isn't it
when you get to
through through out
well now I'm telling you now
that I put
I put my mouth near it
alright
when she's swinging
on a light
yeah she's swinging on a light in a multi-story car park.
Like in Body of Evidence.
The famous Madonna film.
Yeah, where Madonna has sex with Green Goblin.
Madonna has sex with the Green Goblin as part of Disability Awareness Week.
And she smashes a bulb on the car
and he puts it on his back
and all the blood comes out.
And then she puts a Rudy
round his mouth.
And she is on top of him
and a bit before that,
having sex with him,
but you can see his knob
sticking out the bottom.
Yeah, it's worth doing this.
Get Body of Evidence out on DVD.
Or ideally watch it on Sky and HD.
And there's a bit,
the first time that they have sex,
Madonna and Willem Dafoe have sex in that film.
But she's on top of him, right,
doing all the sex he might do it.
But if you look carefully,
not even carefully,
you can actually see,
because he's got a massive knob on him,
Willem Dafoe apparently.
Willem.
Willem, that's what it says.
He said William, he said.
I went William,
because I wasn't sure either way.
But you can see his big massive knob
just hanging down
between his legs
poking down now
yeah
and Madonna's on top of him
and Ed said last night
how's he not getting
a bonk on there
and I said
because Madonna's
on top of him
that's why
but go on
your fancy dress story
anyway
he did have a massive knob
you could tell
yeah
it was proper massive
for a little bloke with a stupid ape for a little scrawny bloke massive nost yeah fucking hell
i mean i'm not sure a girl would even like that do you know what i mean i mean that would be too
much this is like we stand inidden Planet with that book of porn stars
and there are
naked men in it
and we stand there
going,
oh,
that is ridiculous.
Oh,
come on,
that's not porn,
that is.
That's a big knob,
that.
Oh,
come on,
that'd hurt.
Surely,
I mean,
I've not got a big knob,
right,
but I tell you,
if I had a big knob
like that,
alright,
it'd be fun for a bit.
Yeah.
But I don't think
that the girls
would like it. No, it'd be too big, wouldn't think they just i mean they wouldn't be able to do it on proper
the mouth one and up do um spatula of the spatula they'd probably be too big for that wouldn't it
and it'd definitely be too big for the gold mine so in a way you'd be you'd be hoisted by your own pin arse
you wouldn't end up being hoisted
by your own pin arse
you wouldn't end up being hoisted by your own pin arse
anyway so
I went as a Lockerbie bomb victim
oh
yeah
it was a massive cock he had there, William.
I mean, it was.
You could see the veins.
The veins were as big as my one.
Hey, Kate Moss has been on the talking this week.
I know, I heard about this.
Yeah, doing that saying, that one you use as well.
What one?
You know it.
What is it?
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Yeah, that one, yeah.
That one that you always do.
That one I always say, yeah.
Yeah, that one.
Tell you what I think about that.
What?
I think she's right.
Really?
Yeah.
This week, you've had all anorexic groups and all that going,
no, no, he's bad, he's bad.
I think she's right.
Really?
And do you know what I think as well?
What?
I think Kate Moss, right,
is probably the only woman I know who is too fat.
I think Kate Moss, if you listen to this, right,
you are too fat.
Right?
You're massive.
And I'm not kidding you.
You shouldn't go out looking like that.
What you should do, Kate, right,
if you listen to this,
you should starve yourself.
Right? Here's what I think you should do. Go, if you listen to this, you should starve yourself. Here's what I think you should do,
go and find a cave or something,
or a shed,
go in it,
and starve yourself,
until I say,
that you look alright.
If you don't hear me say you look alright,
just keep not eating,
you fat bitch.
So here we are, part of the show we've all been looking forward to.
It's essentially replacing the letters this week.
Yeah.
Because this is going to be a flagship section this week.
It is.
I don't think it's just because I've been on tour all week away doing gigs.
I have written the letter.
Yeah, oh yeah.
I'll just read it.
I'll read it next week, mate.
Yeah.
Because this week, we've actually also reconvened.
We're not where we were a minute ago.
We're now down in the old garlic shed.
We've popped on the heater K.
Keep us nice and warm.
And now it's time for myself,
Ray Peacock,
and my friend, Ed Gamble.
Hello there.
No, just get the accent proper.
I wrote.
That's good.
It sounds like Peter Kay.
We're going to make our predictions as fans of Peter Kay. Yeah. It sounds like Peter Kay. We're going to make our predictions as fans of Peter Kay.
Yeah.
Which we very much are.
We're going to make our predictions about what sort of stuff Peter Kay is going to be doing.
Yeah.
By the way, all these things that we do now are all copyright of the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Right?
So any jokes we write now are copyrighted to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
If they come out now and say, if these get repeated by any comedian elsewhere,
we will actually sue.
We'll go men on that.
We will genuinely sue.
Now, the reason...
How have we even got it?
How do we even know what sort of stuff he's going to be talking about?
Now, we know the general area that he's going to be talking about.
He's revealed that.
He's done a teaser interview.
He did an interview about the dates in Manchester next year.
Oh, that Peter.
And I just...
Shall I say what he says,
the quote?
Yeah, it was on Chortle,
wasn't it?
Yeah.
I have loads of material
and I've been constantly
writing stuff down
for the past seven years
and lots has happened
since then.
Things like Facebook,
iPhones,
Sky Plus
and I've become a dad.
So we know the sort of
general area that he's going to...
Facebook,
iPhones,
Sky Plus...
I don't think that was
a priority sort of order.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I would imagine becoming a dad would be.
Yeah, no, we'd hope so, wouldn't we?
With little Peter Jr.
Yeah.
I don't know what his child's called.
No.
That's just me assuming.
So, all right, so he's coming out from that direction, then, isn't he?
I think so, yeah.
Facebook, iPhone, Sky Plus.
Facebook, iPhone, Sky Plus.
Okay, well, let's have a minute.
We'll just stop the section for a second,
and then the next time you hear us talk, we'll be back.
Right, we're back.
We've been away, and we've written down our material yeah that we think uh mr k is gonna be performing next year so facebook first of all okay um i i imagine
uh he's gonna do garlic facebook well i know we're on facebook, but for iPhone I had... I had, Garlic phone!
Garlic, yeah.
So, it's quite similar.
Right, so let's take them off.
Yeah, alright.
I've also got,
Facebook,
poke,
if I want to poke you, I'll poke you in real life, dickhead.
Brilliant.
So I've got that.
Let's take that off.
I've got,
a face is no place for a book, dickhead.
Very good.
That's a good one, yeah, take that one off. I've got, a face is no place for a book, dickhead. Very good. That's a good one, yeah,
take that one off.
Yeah, similar vein,
I've got,
you can't read a book
if it's on your face,
dickhead.
Sort of similar.
Take that one off.
Yeah.
Right, I've got,
what I thought was maybe
when he's doing his stuff
about Facebook,
maybe one night,
because you know how
we sometimes want to go off
and just mess about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think that maybe one day
it'll go from Facebook
because it is seven years
that he has been
writing stuff down for.
Yeah.
Literally.
Yeah.
He's done a couple pop videos
but in between that
he has literally
just sat down
writing stuff down.
Right.
And I think
I think
he's going to
do a little
sort of segue off
about Myspace. Brilliant. Joe Myspace. I think he's going to do a little segue off about Myspace.
Brilliant.
Myspace.
This is what I think he's going to say.
Hey, what about Myspace?
Do you remember Myspace?
Right, big laugh.
Right.
Hey, Myspace, but yet you've got friends there.
What are you all doing on it if it's Myspace?
Get off it, dickhead.
Right.
So that's the bit I think he's going to do.
I would like that if he did that.
About MySpace.
And something about his nan not getting it.
Okay, I've got a lot of that coming up.
Okay.
Now, I've sort of concentrated on the iPhone thing.
So I've got a...
Have you got an iPhone?
No.
I've not got an iPhone.
Lots of people have, haven't they?
Yeah, so this is why I think this material will go down well if you did it, but I think
you might do this.
This was the first one I've thought of, in fact.
Yeah?
I-phone. Yeah, I do phone, but using buttons, dickhead.
That's good.
Not with me eye.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got a similar one to that, actually,
because I've got, um...
I got me mum an iPhone,
and she went,
ooh, I don't know how to work that.
She's not even French.
Wait, no, there's more of it, yeah, wait.
And I went, I got her an iPhone,
and I went into the kitchen,
and she's trying to look through it.
I said, what?
I said, what are you doing?
And she went, iPhone.
I said, it's for your ears, not your eyes, dickhead.
So I've got that one.
I've got this one sort of,
I've sort of crammed everything.
Actually, I've got another iPhone one.
iPhone, that's all we need.
It's like iRobot dickhead with Will Smith dickhead.
Which I saw at Odeon in Bolton dickhead when I was a nusherette.
Then I've got...
Good, good.
Then I've got...
Have you seen at weddings
when all the iPhones are sliding across
the Facebook
on their knees
I think he's gonna
close with that
particularly because
he's on at the end
the end
it's a big stage
yeah
so he can proper
he can like
he can proper throw
his iPhone
across the Facebook
he can get Facebook on his phone and proper fucking throw it right don't say fuck He could proper throw his iPhone across the Facebook.
He could get Facebook on his phone and proper fucking throw it.
Right, don't say fuck.
His mum might be in.
Okay, so I hope he does do that.
That'd be brilliant as a closer.
I've only got a couple of Sky Plus ones.
Will he have balloons or not?
I've only got a couple of Sky Plus ones.
Cheese Plus.
I've got that.
Dickhead. And then Sky Plus plus what?
A load of bother for me nan, dickhead
They've got that
Almost exactly the same
Sky Plus plus what?
My mother don't understand
Almost exactly
So that's a dead cert
My nan gets mixed up
She calls Sky Plus AIDS.
Why?
I don't know.
What about, I got my nan a Sky Plus box and delivered it,
and she came up the phone and she went,
Oh, Peter, I can't understand this Sky and.
I said, it's Sky and. I said it's Sky plus dickhead.
I put the iPhone down
and accidentally disconnected myself from Facebook.
But it didn't matter because the baby had woke up.
So I went for a deal with that dickhead.
So I've written that bit
brilliant
I think that's all my bits now
okay
well there's our jokes
for now
yeah
Peter K
do you know what
to be honest with you
I know we said
the copyrights were right
yeah
do you know what Peter
you can have them
yeah that's fine
if you're listening Peter right
because we're such big fans
we'd be honoured
it would be an honour
for me
if Peter K used
even just a bit of that
yeah
even if he
even if he Kay used even just a bit of that yeah even if you only use
garlic foam
but if you are going to
have some of the material
if you could also
as a favour to us
make sure you keep
reminding all the
Northerners
in the audience
if you could just
keep reminding them
right
that they are stupid
then please
if you could do that
that would be
I'd be greatly
greatly appreciative
and if you do use
any of these make sure you don't credit us yeah because be greatly greatly appreciative and if you do use any of these
make sure you don't credit us
yeah because you're not
credit us if you do use
any of these things
because I would find that
in fact
do you know what
I would rather he did
what
if he could do
all them jokes
that we've written for him
on a telly special
and credit us on the end
and then
if you could then
release it on DVD
like a year later
yeah
if you could take our names
off the credits
I would imagine
I think we'll go
should we go and see
him again or not
I'm going every night
yeah
I'd like to go and see him
I mean I think he's
technically a brilliant comedian
so I'd like to go and watch it
especially if there's a chance
and let's face it
there probably is a good chance
that he'll do our material
that we have written for you
please don't
oh that sounds wrong
doesn't it
that's not what I meant
by that at all.
I mean,
you have it,
mate.
Have it,
have it,
have it,
like on his advert.
Yeah.
Bye.
Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock
and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies
except for the last one,
which is performed
by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by chortle.co.uk
tickets to the peacock and gamble podcast live are available on 0207 520 1490 or kingspace.co.uk
on the um young butcher of the year with ge yeah. Maybe that's why he's picked for it. Lamb.
Lamb, Butcher, makes sense.
I bet you David Pork is annoyed.
Because he was in the shortlist for it.
I reckon...
I reckon David Pork and Billy Beef
were both very disappointed to lose out to George Lamb
to present Young Butcher of the Year
but I would imagine
that Tom Baker was quite philosophical
about it
in the long run
I bet Tom Baker was like well I wanted the voiceover
for it but I understand
why I didn't get it