Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Oh, hello there. Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast.
Oh, you look cold. Why not come in and have a mince pie or a sausage roll in the living room?
What a lovely thing to say.
Yeah.
Yeah, come on in to the snowy cottage.
Don't stand out there
next to the fern trees.
Come on in,
sit next to me,
Ray Peacock,
and we'll put a cracker together.
Yeah, and then me,
Ed Gamble,
will come in
with a tray of drinks
and put them down
and you can have
whatever drink you want
and then I will play
charades with you.
Mould beener.
Mould rye beener.
Yeah, get some
mould rye beener,
enjoy that.
Oh, what's going on
here, you all ask?
Well, it's the
Peacock and Gamble podcast, but not just that.
It is the Christmas one.
Is it?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, it's the Christmas special.
Nice one.
I just thought of it now.
But we are doing two more after this one now, aren't we?
Yeah, but we are winding down.
Right, okay.
So what's happening is, when you said mince pie then, I thought, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
Let's get the Christmas special out of the way now.
Yeah.
And then that way, people will be sat there going, oh, well, the series has ended, but
will there be a Christmas special? I bet there will and then that way people won't be sat there going oh well the series has ended but will there be
a Christmas special
I bet there will be
I swear to God
or swear to God
who is the king of Christmas
yeah I swear to the
king of Christmas
right
there will be no
Christmas special
other than this one
this is the official
Christmas special
and don't be thinking
oh they'll do a
Hanukkah special
or something like that
there won't be any
special for any religion
I assure you we're having a holiday we're going't be any special for any religion. I assure you
we're having a holiday.
We're going to be off.
Yeah.
In fact, I tell you,
I can tell you now,
we're not even going to be
in the country, mate.
We're going Lapland.
Yeah, we're going Lapland
in New York
for Christmas.
Me and her are going to spend it
having a kiss in Times Square.
That is all we're going to do.
So that is how we are
spending our Christmas.
And don't be coming over
to New York
and bothering us
when we're there.
Because we're going there for a break because we're not famous in New York.
So we can get away with it there.
Yeah, thank God for that.
So the Christmas special, there are three more episodes now.
Well, three including this one.
Yeah.
So two more episodes after this one.
And a live one, of course.
Oh, yeah, the live one on the 9th of December as well at King's Place in London.
So you can have four including this one if you want.
Whoa, hang on.
What's that?
Sorry, I was just turning the sledge.
We nearly hit a tree.
All right, you're cracking on that we are in Lapland now.
Yeah, no, that we are recording it on a sledge.
That's a good idea for a Christmas session.
Yeah.
All right, then I'll pretend I'm on that as well.
You would have to be, wouldn't you?
Ooh, this is fast.
Ah, just got a bit of snow in me eye.
Hang on a minute.
Right, it's gone.
Sink, sink, sink, sink, sink, sink.
What's that?
Oh, the bell's under rains.
Oh, right, okay.
Doo-doo.
What's that?
An owl.
There's an owl in the forest.
What's that?
Just hit a boy.
Sorry.
Oh.
What's that?
We just nearly
hit Alan Carr
but we swerved
round him
at the last minute
could I have a lift
that was Andy Parsons
hitchhiking
this is one of the
best journeys
we've ever been on
I can't believe
we've seen so many
sleds I can't believe all the famous people we're seeing.
This is incredible.
Who's that standing on the back of a sledge?
It's Prince Charles.
Prince Charles is on the back of a sledge.
Look at that.
Tell you what, this is a Star Study Christmas special.
Welcome to the show.
Tell you what, it's quite Christmassy. Is it Christmassy enough, this? Yeah, oh yeah, quite Christmassy.
Is it Christmassy enough, this?
Yeah, oh yeah, quite Christmassy.
I'll try it again.
Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Green giant.
That's, yeah, yeah, that is quite Christmassy.
Because they do have those adverts on at Christmastime.
We got presents the other day.
We went to do a gig.
Yeah.
And John Maisie and Adélie, what's her name?
Is it Hernandez?
Yeah, I think it is, yeah.
I want to say.
Them two.
Yeah.
Who, I think, right, on to say them two who I think right
on the quiet
are having a kiss
I get the impression
that maybe them two
they keep turning up
together everywhere
is what I hear
they've got presents
when you laughed then
you cut your head back
have you got a bad tooth
no
go back again
that's a filling
oh is it
I thought it was a bad tooth
no it's filling
whew
that could have put a dampener
on the festive occasion, couldn't it?
If we'd have had to call out an emergency dentist.
Yeah, that would have been horrible.
Tell you what, you'd have paid for it as well.
Christmas Day, you'd have paid for it, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
I'd imagine the dentist would come out still with his hat on from his dinner
and a bit, just like a turkey leg in his pocket.
Sucking a turkey bone.
Yeah.
Anyway, shut up, because I've got to complain about these presents.
All right.
So we've got presents.
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks a lot for that.
Cheers.
Yeah, no, I like mine a lot.
Yeah, no, you do,
because you've got a good one.
Right?
So we've both got essentially the same present.
Yeah.
But you've got a better one.
Yeah, we've got wallets, didn't we?
Wallets, right.
Quality wallets.
I don't know why,
but they've chosen wallets.
Good wallets, nice presents, Steve.
Well, I got one,
and you got one.
You got one from Pulp Fiction.
You like Pulp Fiction.
Yeah. Well, you got one. Yeah, I got one with busters. you got one from Pulp Fiction you like Pulp Fiction yeah
well you got one
yeah I got one with Buster's
pictures of Buster's
you're one of the bosoms
inside the wallet
yeah
mine didn't have any bosoms
on it at all
yeah but mine is
mine is a brilliant present
so thank you for that
yeah well mine was a shit present
you did properly
we did open them
and you threw yours on the floor
yeah and rightly so
because you got Buster's one
I don't know why our fans
this is what I don't understand about our fans,
is I don't know why they think that's all right.
What, to not give you the one with Buster's on it?
To not give me the present with the Buster's on it.
Has that happened a lot before, then?
Well, what, I mean, we've had presents of people.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
The harmonicas and that.
Crocodile Dundee.
Right, we've had loads of presents of stuff.
You've had them.
I've not had any of them. Actually, this is a point. You've not had, you've had all them presents. Right, we've had loads of present stuff. You've had them. I've not had any of them.
Actually, this is a point.
Why?
You've not had...
You've had all them presents.
No, but listen...
As soon as I get one with busters on,
you kick up a fuss.
Because none of mine have had...
Right, I watched Crocodile Dundee
all the way through.
Not a buster.
Right?
I watched...
I got me harmonica out,
opened it all up,
not a buster in there.
You got...
How many harmonicas did you get?
You've not given me one of them.
Yeah, I got three harmonicas,
so what?
The point is, is you get? You've not given me one of them. Yeah, I've got three harmonicas, so what? The point is,
is you get one present
of the fans,
the first one you get
has got busters in it.
Yeah,
it's brilliant.
Right,
I'm not getting any busters.
Alright,
that girl said
there's that picture
of her busters that time.
Right,
we've had that,
but that isn't a present,
is it?
That's more of a,
that's more of a thing
of going,
will one or both of you
do me at some point?
Which,
which we appreciate and we, do you know what, love?
We probably will.
At some point, we probably will.
Yeah, but you have to buy a ticket for the live show if you want to get done.
Well, so it's in Darlington, doesn't it?
So whenever we're in Darlington, we'll come and do you, all right?
But in the time being, I've got no busters.
Right.
I know I have got busters.
Yeah, you do have busters, yeah.
I mean, I've got no busters to look at. Well, you can yeah you do have busters I mean I've got no busters
to look at
well you can
send him a hand mirror
no
get a little mirror like that
you can look at him from below
and they'd look even bigger
and more female
so send Ray a mirror
and then he can
that is like unlimited busters
alright look
I will go on the record
and say I don't like hairy tits
alright
and that is why mine
that's very brave of you
to say in this day and age.
That's why mine will never be right.
I know this is going to get...
She's going to get mental about this.
What? She's on that programme?
I'm being an airy woman. That's not offensive.
She did a programme saying...
It was cool.
It was cool. Fuck off, I'm hairy.
Fuck off, I'm an airy woman.
I mean, how much would you need
to want to be on telly?
How desperate would you need to be?
I thought you were going to do fuck off, I'm short.
Yeah, I went in for a meeting for fuck off, I'm short.
Yeah.
Too tall for it.
Yeah.
I was too tall, it was brilliant.
I loved that meeting.
Yeah.
And the bloke in it went, tell you what, I've got to say,
I think you are just exactly what BBC Three is looking for.
You've got just the right look
with the hair and stuff.
And at that moment,
I knew it wasn't for me.
No, right, okay.
When he said that,
and I'll just like,
just go to the record and say,
other than repeats of Doctrine,
I've never been on BBC Three.
So I'm clearly not what BBC Three
is fucking looking for.
Or any channel.
One of the problems with me and you getting on telly Yeah
Is I think too fat
Well I think you're right in saying too fat
Yeah too fat
One fat is alright
Yeah
Little novelty
You can have a fat one
Yeah
But you can't have two fat ones
You can't have two fat ones
Unless they're doing
Although
Airy bikers I suppose
Yeah airy bikers
If you are a cooking team You can have two fat ones Because it just shows that they bothy Bikers, I suppose. Yeah, the Airy Bikers. If you are a cooking team,
you can have two fat ones
because it just shows
that they both enjoy
what they do.
Maybe we should learn
to cook.
Yeah.
Why don't we learn
to cook and go on telly?
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Oh, who's there
at the Christmas door?
Hey, hello.
Who's that?
The Delia Smith.
Oh, right.
I know.
It's Delia Smith
of Come Teach Art Cook.
Right, that's not what that voice is. I can't do a voice. No, but if weia Smith from Come Teach Art Cook. Right, that's not
what that voice is
I can't do a voice.
No, but if we're
going to have guests
on the Christmas
special, you've got
to at least
approximate the voice.
Right, what do
you want to cook?
Say you're
Louis Armstrong.
All right.
Hello, I'm
Louis Armstrong.
Oh, hello,
Louis Armstrong.
What a nice guest.
I've come to
teach you how to
cook.
Right, okay.
Right, what do
you want to cook?
Salad?
Yes, please.
Prawn cocktail.
Right, prawn cocktail.
Put prawn in the lettuce
and the mato
and the mayonnaise
in your trumpet.
And then blow your trumpet
and got prawn cocktail
and a lovely song.
And a note.
You get a starter and a note.
What a brilliant idea for a programme.
I think we should do that.
If any of our listeners can do animation,
and I mean proper,
I don't mean they can just draw it on the back of a bit of toilet paper.
If you can do animation,
we also play it with the vocal, right?
Yeah.
You add animation to it,
or whack them on YouTube,
Louis Armstrong's Cookery School.
That will be on E4 in noontime.
What was that voice new time
just practicing
doing all funny voices
in that for telly
oh we are too fat though
if we learn how to cook
we might be alright
but maybe one of us
should go on a diet
no no
because how are we
going to pick that
who's going to draw
the short straw
we can have a fight
for it
if we pick straws mate
all we'll use is
use the straws
to suck up milkshakes.
I would like them straws that have got sherbet in them.
I'm just
fired.
He's so excited about it.
He's so excited about the sherbet straw.
He's doing those drops coming out.
What's all that going on?
You're about 12, you. That shouldn't be happening.
That leaves a good show on the big one.
If I did it, that'd be understandable at my age, but not for you. You shouldn't be happening. That leaves a good show on the bum. If I did it,
that'd be understandable
at my age,
but not for you.
You shouldn't be
chomping involuntarily.
I did feel one coming
and I thought I'd let it go
with the laugh.
Yeah, but...
With the laugh
so I could cover up the sound.
I mean, the chances are
that's not been picked up
on the recording anyway.
No.
But I can...
Oh, I can verify
for you, listener, that Ed, right, has proper done a trauma.
It's because I'm full up from Christmas dinner.
Yeah, got, happy Christmas.
Finish this section now.
Hello, Ray and Ed. It's Paul Daniels. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap and Ed.
It's Paul Daniels.
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Oh, how nice to be here on your show for Christmas.
Andy Parsons.
No, Paul Daniels.
Here is a trick that you might like.
Pick a card.
All right, I'll do it.
Thank you.
Why can't I do it?
You are doing the voice.
I've got to fix the trick. Here, to pick a card. All right, I'll do it, thank you. Why can't I do it? You are doing the voice. I've got to fix the trick.
Here, to pick a card.
I'll pick it.
Right, show it to Ed.
Right, I've seen it.
That card is the Jack of Clubs, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
I saw it, it wasn't.
You prick, you prick.
You fucking prick.
I've got to go now.
All right, bye.
You fucking prick. I've got to go now. All right, bye. You fucking prickhead.
Very quick little Tesco update.
Yeah.
Not mentioned Tesco for a while.
Got an email this week from Ahmed Fred Benesad,
I think is how it's pronounced.
And Fred is in inverted commas,
so I presume it's Ahmed Benesad.
Right.
But he probably thought,
oh, it won't be able to say that.
Yeah.
I'll just say my name's Fred.
Fred Smith.
But anyway, he signed it Fred as well,
so we'll refer to you as Fred if that's what,
if that's what you want, you'd be Fred.
He said that he went into a Tesco.
I don't think he actually said where.
It's quite a long email.
He's not actually said where,
but he said,
went to Tesco to get some cigs.
Pathetic.
No, pathetic, doing smoking.
You've stopped smoking, haven't you?
Yeah.
All right, so this is Smokefree Podcast.
Smokefree Podcast.
So please do not smoke
in the vicinity of this podcast
because we will get cancer off
breathing it in your horrible fumes,
pathetic.
Yeah, could you not do smoking
near us, please, pathetic?
You're all pathetic anyway.
So anyway, this bloke went in for his six, pathetic.
Pathetic, mate.
Right?
And he was refused.
He got ID'd.
Yeah.
Right?
Got his driving licence out.
Yeah.
And they refused to sell him six
because apparently they'd only accept people
with a full driving licence
and he only had a provisional one.
That's ridiculous.
That's apparently what happened in Tesco.
He hasn't said which one.
Please tell us which one it was.
Because he got into a bit of a scuffle with them, apparently.
A scuffle?
Yeah, and he said they were going to call the police or something.
And then he said...
He legged it when they went up, because he was being threatening, so he legged it.
Right.
They went to call the police.
And he said, I only sent it via this avenue, by an email.
Yeah.
Because I don't want to end up down the cop shop, because I bet a million quid they're watching.
So, Ahmed Benissad.
Fred.
Fred.
Maybe that was, you were supposed to say Fred because it was an alias.
And I've said his full name.
Oh, you prick.
Oh my God.
Sorry, mate.
Sorry, Ahmed.
See you in the jail.
But I'm actually, do you know what?
I'm not sorry.
Why not?
Because I presume he's a listener of the podcast, given what he's written.
Yeah.
He's mentioned Tesco.
It's not a coincidence.
Why is a listener of the podcast going to Tesco?
Unbelievable.
Why are they going to Tesco?
Maybe it was to cause that trouble.
After everything that we've done,
and everything we've told them about,
why are people still going to Tesco?
I don't understand the logic of that.
Yeah, well, yeah,
and I went there the other day.
Why did you go to Tesco?
It was by accident.
I thought it was another shop.
Don't go to Tesco.
It was the only one open late.
Right.
I want people to write to us now
and tell us if you're not going to go to Tesco again. And you join us, you join a very exclusive club. Am I not a go to Tesco. It was the only one open late. Right. I want people to write to us now and tell us if you're
not going to go to
Tesco again.
And you join a very
exclusive club.
Am I not a member of
No you're not because
you went to Tesco
the other day you
fucking cock.
Yeah but it was
open.
It's the only one
open late in Trafalgar
Square when I have
to get night buses.
What?
They sell night buses
at Tesco.
No when I get a
night bus back to
London.
What did you need?
What?
What did you need?
Sandwich.
You didn't need a sandwich.
I did for my dinner.
And that's absolute nonsense.
You're saying that Tesco is the only place open in London?
At like three o'clock in the morning by the night bus stop.
Well, then walk up to McDonald's or somewhere.
I don't know where that is.
And I've got to wait for my night bus to get home because they only come every 45 minutes.
Not the McDonald's at London Coney.
Not that one.
Yeah, it would.
I mean, to be honest, I reckon in a couple of months,
I won't be able to go anywhere without you getting on your high horse.
Yeah, welcome to my...
Mind you, any horse is high for you, isn't it?
Because you're a little boy.
A little toy horse is probably quite an high horse for you,
because you are short, if you get that.
Have you quite finished?
Yeah.
I'm here, fighting big business.
Yeah, but any business is big for you
because you are short so even in like little independent um like shop um that is that is
big business for you because you are short man finished now well yeah well thanks for that that's
i mean i'm trying to do this thing right bring down corporations yeah no no matter what size
they are i'm trying to
bring them down
because they're
treating people
like shit
and I'm not
going to support
a view
or the podcast
is this
alright okay
I won't go to
Tesco again
I won't go to
Tesco
even if I am
about to go
into a diabetic
coma from no
sugar at the
bus stop
I don't mind
that
I don't mind
that
if you have
a diabetic
coma
I don't mind
that
but don't
forget you've
never ever
had one
I'm just saying alright then alright you're allowed to do that. If you're having a diabetic I don't mind that. But don't forget you've never ever had one. No but in like low blood sugar.
I'm just saying
alright.
Then alright you're allowed to do that.
Alright thank you.
Alright that's fine.
I've no issue with that.
That's fine.
But I won't
I promise not to use that
as an excuse every time.
Alright well.
And the others
no one else can use that
and if you say I've been
because of that
you have to send us
a blood sugar test.
Well alright okay.
That is fine.
Let's have a little serious moment.
That is fine.
Thank you.
Yeah, all right.
I've got no problem with that.
But I'm telling you now,
on the record,
I will never, ever shop at Tesco
ever again.
All right, that's good.
And I reckon I do
£100 a week shop on average.
So what's that?
That's £5,200 a year.
Yeah.
Add into that Christmas shopping and stuff.
Yeah.
Like for Christmas food
and that,
five and a half grand.
And then dinners.
That's five and a half grand
and yeah,
dinners,
yeah,
of course,
that's another
five and a half grand.
And then there's
a separate pastry shop.
Well,
let's just say,
let's say an average
five and a half grand a year.
Yeah.
Right?
That's what they're losing off me.
So,
until the day I die,
so to say,
let's say I live
another 10 years.
That's,
what's that,
55,000 pounds.
Right.
That they've lost alone. Yeah. By asking me to set me up's that 55,000 pounds right that they've lost a loan
yeah
by asking me to
send me a loan
that time
can I have that
no you can't have it
because it's like
hypothetical money
alright okay
but then if there's
other podcast
I'm going to go as well
we can edit it all together
yeah
then we can send them
a letter and tell them
how much money they've lost
yeah good plan mate
I watched Creepshow
last night
the old Stephen King
film that he wrote
you have been watching
a lot of films
haven't you
right guess what
what
at the end of it
right it's
brilliant creep show
it's like
early 80s or something
it's not frightening
or nothing
but it's funny
and it's really
really well made
right but guess what
the additional sound
editor right
guess what she was
called
what
Wendy Wank
I'm not even joking
Boycott Tesco
Make Ed Laugh I'm not even joking. Boycott Tesco.
Make Ed laugh.
Hello?
Hello, is that George Lamb?
Yeah.
Hello, it's your agent, Barry.
Hello, Barry, how you doing, mate?
Fine, thanks.
How you doing?
I wish you'd tell me when you were going to ring.
Rather than just doing a brr brr when we start a section and then hoping I would just go along with it.
I did though, didn't I?
That's how good I am at improvisation, mate. George, shut up.
You just started it, right? And I'm straight in there.
That is why I'm good with the butchers.
George, did you enjoy doing Butcher of the Year?
I've got to say to you, Barryry i've been cutting myself all week right well good i'm glad you
enjoyed it we've got another um we've got something else for you oh yeah um it's in a
similar vein yeah uh it's um basically uh it's young it's a young thing again okay good because
i like the young stuff despite being 40. Yeah. It's another
opportunity for you
to wear your bow tie.
Can I be on
telly?
Yeah.
Please let me
on the telly.
You can be on it,
mate.
Thank you.
Presenting young
mechanic of the year.
What?
Do they want me
to do that?
Yeah, young
mechanic of the year.
But I am George
Lamb.
I mean, surely
this would be a
better job for
Jimmy Carr.
Or Alan Carr.
Yeah.
The one from the Stop Smoking advert.
Of the book.
What about Alan Carr?
Oh, Bams.
Yeah, that one as well.
Yeah.
I'm George Lamb.
Or, hey, I'm still Barry, but I'm just riffing on this.
Okay, go for it.
Or.
Olive oil.
Olive oil.
That's a good one.
Or olive. Olive. Olive bread. on this okay go for it or olive oil olive oil is a good one or olive
olive
olive bread
you know
ever since we decided
that there's only
going to be three left
we have
we have
we shouldn't
ever do this
we should decide
Minnie Mouse
Minnie
Minnie Mouse
Minnie
yeah that works
we should decide
to stop doing
a season
after we've recorded
the last episode
it should be like
let's not do any more now
it shouldn't be
let's just do
three more
because these three now
are going to be
literally unbearable
but
in answer to your question
Barry
yes I will do it
I don't know why we're even bothering doing this podcast anyway why? because you said the other day we were looking at In answer to your question, Barry, yes, I will do it.
I don't know why we're even bothering doing this podcast anyway.
Why?
Because you said the other day, we were looking at the Facebook fan page,
and you said it's not even a real thing.
Did I say that?
You said that we're not a viable thing, we're not a real thing,
until we've got 1,000 fans.
Well, I just think it looks better if you've got over 1,000, doesn't it? Yeah, of course it looks better.
I mean, it'd look better if this was on telly.
Yeah, but that's never going to happen.
That'd look better, wouldn't it? I think this would be brilliant on telly, you know?
I've come round to a different way of thinking, because I used to like doing this as an independent thing and that.
Right.
I was going, oh yeah, do it credible and stick to guns and all that shit, right?
Yeah.
And do it audio and free and that, and do you know what?
Yeah.
I thought, nah, I want some money.
Right.
Put me on the telly doing this.
But could we do this on the telly, right? Listen to this. Yeah. Spunk tits. Yeah. Could we? Yeah. I thought, nah, I want some money. Right. Put me on the telly doing this. But could we do this on the telly,
right?
Listen to this.
Yeah.
Spunk tits.
Yeah.
Could we?
Yeah,
definitely.
Oh,
let's go on the telly.
We could do it on,
I think it's Sky 3.
Okay,
we'll do Sky 3.
We'll do Naked
and Blackpool
programme.
I think they've got
a channel for it.
I think they've got
a special slot
where you put your
spunk tits in it.
They go,
this is the spunk
tits slot.
Let's put Ray and Ed in it.
Push it in and out.
So how are we going to get a thousand fans?
I don't know how it's going to happen.
We just have to wait, I think.
Keep sort of just like trotting this old shit out.
Yeah, but what can we do to build up the audience?
Do you know, like publicity stunt or something, I guess.
I've done some publicity for us this week.
Have you?
Yeah, I was doing the warm-up on Russell's show.
I'm the Russell Howards Good News. I did the warm-up on that. Right, here's two things that I've done. First thing I did. I've done some publicity for us this week. Have you? Yeah, I was doing the warm-up on Russell's show, on the Russell Howards Good News.
I did the warm-up on that.
Right, here's two things that I've done.
First thing I did was I flyered them as they came out.
I did it personally.
That's good news, mate.
Well, it's not, because it's humiliating.
Why is it humiliating?
It's humiliating for me to go on the stage, right?
But it was your choice to do it in a nappy.
Right?
And then afterwards
to be actually
handing out my own leaflets
right
I mean I felt like
really sort of
rubbish
I mean is this why
you're going to get me
to do it next week
ideally yes
right but then I will
still be handing out
my own leaflets though
won't I
yes but you won't
have been on the stage
already then
who says that I won't
have been on the stage
I say because if you do
I will get sacked
what if you need someone
to hold the microphone
when you do a song
I will ask one of
the children
on the audience
to do it
alright
and I probably
won't do a song
anyway
what if someone goes
what if you're on
and someone shouts
Ray I've been
listening to your podcast
and I like the sound
of the voice of Ed
but I've always thought
I'd like to see him
in the flesh
just for him to do a bow
and then we can all clap
and then everyone goes yeah and then we can all clap.
And then everyone goes, yeah.
And then you go, well, that's weird because Ed stood over there.
Come on, Ed, come up here and do a bow for all the ladies and gentlemen.
And I get up and do a bow and the producer of the programme goes, wow, that was a great bow, Ed.
Ray, you are fired.
Ed, you are the warm up.
And then I do a bit of the warm up, right?
And they go, Ed, that was brilliant.
Why don't you present the programme?
Russell, go and sit with Ray in the corner.
Yeah. Well, I mean, if that happens, then I'll go along with it.
Yeah, but that's why I'm not flyering if that happens.
No, if that happens, then you don't have to flyer, that's fine.
Yeah, okay.
On the proviso that, I mean, I'm going to take you back a bit in the story.
Okay.
On the proviso that the person that shouts out, I really, I listen to your podcast and I like Ed's voice,
that has got to be, like, a stranger.
Not me, you mean.
No, it can't be you.
But you did that.
Well, yeah, all right.
Because Russell, in between takes and stuff,
he will go, any questions?
Right?
Just with the audience, you know.
Yeah.
Give him a bit of a chance to find out what his best colour is.
Or if he has got a pet.
Right? And, you know, they all say things like that.
Ooh, do you remember that time you went to Sheffield
and you done that thing?
And he goes, yeah, and they all laugh, right?
Because it's like a club and that.
And then the other day he went, any questions?
And it was quiet.
No one said nothing.
And I thought, oh, I'd better help.
Because I'm the warm-up.
I've got to keep it ticking over, mate.
Of course you do, mate. Yeah, so I thought, I'd better help. And I thought, up I've got to keep it ticking over mate of course you do mate
yeah
so I thought
I better help
and I thought
I'll think of a question quick
and I'll do it
in a voice
yeah so
I stood behind a curtain
he went
any questions
and I went
what is your best podcast
and it was silent
yeah
and Russell laughed
and he went
oh well it would be
the Peacock and Gamma podcast.
Oh, the free one on iTunes.
Yeah, that one.
Okay, thank you.
I'm glad he said that it was our one,
his favourite one.
Yeah.
Rather than another one.
Who was the lady?
Who was the lady who asked?
Me.
Oh.
You're not understood this,
have you?
No.
You did it,
when you did it,
then you did it in an I voice,
so I thought it was a lady. lady yeah you can't come to the recording
letter time right time for the letter which this week because it's the christmas special don't
forget yeah what we're doing happy christmas out or whatever holiday you celebrate a little bit
different this week because it's not a complaint letter. Right. Right. They've sort of stopped being complaint letters
now. No, but listen, it's not from Mrs. Fraser. Right. Right. It is a celebrity letter. Oh.
Written by a celebrity. And can we just say, on the record, now it's very important, this
letter is fictional. That's very important. This letter isn't from
who we say it's from.
Right, okay.
I have written it.
Yeah, alright.
And it's not to be inferred
that this is even the opinions
or that it is actually from
the person I'm going to say it is from.
And can I also say
none of the opinions
represented in this letter
reflect the opinions of Ed Gamble.
Or Ray P.
No, well they do.
Well, no, they don't. Because you're writing it. They don't. And then, alright, well I know for a fact that the opinions of Ed Gamble. Or AP. No, well, they do. They clearly do because you're writing it.
They don't.
And then,
well, I know for a fact
that the opinions in this letter
do represent
what Ed Gamble thinks.
So you can't say that
before you've even heard the letter.
Right, all right, then.
All right?
May not reflect.
And by the way,
after this,
that's an end to it, then.
What, are there letters?
No, it's an end to it.
It'll make sense.
Right, well, don't.
We'll just do it.
Because it's going to seem like
victimisation. Right, okay. Right. And it's not meant to be victimisation'll make sense. Right, well don't, we'll just do it. Because it's going to seem like victimisation.
Right, okay.
Right, and it's not meant
to be victimisation,
it's meant to be affectionate.
That goes for this person,
not for George Lamb.
They are,
that is victimisation.
The George Lamb bit is
because I think you're a cock.
Now that I've remembered
who you are
and now I saw you
on the telly then I went,
oh, that's George Lamb.
Oh yeah, I do know.
Oh, he is a dick.
Right, here we go.
Dear Fraser, Oh. Thank you for your very moving, he is a dick. Right, here we go. Dear Fraser,
Thank you for your very moving letter to me.
Brackets, Peter K, not the real one.
About you coming to be a special guest on my tour.
I'm surprised I even got your letter because of all my other fan mail not showing off
because I'm a man of the people, remember?
Would you like to buy this umbrella?
It says it's spitting on it, lol.
That would be an hundred pounds, thank you.
I am sorry to hear about your illness.
It is horrible that you have got cancer.
I know just how you feel.
I had a packet of Spangles once
and there wasn't a solitary purple one in it.
It is dreadful, isn't it?
With regards to me sending you some money,
I'm afraid I've spent it all on the Children in Need video.
Ha ha ha, did you see Postman Pat on it?
Ha ha ha.
Hang on, he's meant to be on Strike, the fucking scam.
I will be getting some more money off my new programme in the theatre,
but I will need to use that to buy my mum a new bock of flats or swimming pool.
I just hope she doesn't put garlic
in the water.
Can you imagine?
Garlic swimming pool.
Ha ha.
Or my dad could fill it up.
He'd done a wee for an hour.
On teletext.
It's not all doom and gloom though.
Apart from you being blind and your legs falling off.
Like on something from the 70s.
Scalextric or something.
Because your spazability actually goes in your favour.
My next pop video is going to be all disabled children in it.
A bit like the kids of Windy Eye.
But I'm not just rubbing that idea.
And if you say I am, I will see it, even though I've got a good sense of humour.
Anyway, it's going to have you in it and that bloke off Casualty or Obby City.
And them ones off EastEnders and Joey Deacon from the 70s.
Do you remember that from school? And Queenie O'Cokie who's got the Borleo. Do you remember that from school?
And Queenie O'Cokie who's got the Borleo.
Did you ever do that one?
I can't believe my daddy's still pissing.
He must have drunk loads of water with petals in it
that we used to sell in our shop on the front.
Anyway, the group is going to be called
Mong for Europe.
And the song is going to be called Mong for Europe. And the song is going to be
the Okie Kokie.
Trust me, Fraser,
it will be hilarious.
Your friend,
and perhaps a little more,
Peter Kay,
with a knee on the end of it,
not the one off the telly.
And then there's a legal note.
Please remember,
this letter is fictional
and not meant to hurt anyone's feelings.
Just like Keith Lard, the fire safety bloke mums the word.
So how about that?
Yeah.
I mean, that is an end to it now.
Yeah, finish now.
Yeah, I mean, because we're not going after it.
I hope it is an end to it.
I hope it is an end to it as well.
We're not going after it.
There was a bit of a mixed response last week to us talking about Peter Kay.
Some people liked it, didn't they?
Most people liked it and one didn't.
We got a letter from one bloke who really, really didn't like it.
I didn't see that.
Did you not?
No.
It was from Peter Jay.
In Bolton, no hang-on saint-tellings.
Right, okay.
And what Peter Jay from Bolton, no hangles to Telling said in the letter, right?
It was cut out of newspapers.
Right.
And it had a picture of me and you on it, right?
Okay.
And do you know what the letter said at the top?
What?
Garlic dead.
So...
So I don't know
I don't know what we're going to do
about that
that is really scary isn't it
that is really frightening
just because we had a bit of a joke in that
about Peter Kay
and somebody said there's garlic dead in the post
so I'm not mentioning him again now
I like him
well done on your programmes dead in a post. So I'm not mentioning him again now. I like him. No, I don't, no. Yeah, I like him.
Well done.
Well done on your programmes.
Peacock and Gamble podcast
was devised and performed
by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.
All music by the Tiger Lilies
except for the last one,
which is performed by Frank Sidebottom.
The Peacock and Gamble podcast
is a ready production
hosted by Chortle.co.uk.
Tickets to the Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk Tickets to the Peacock and Gamble podcast live are available on 0207 520 1490 or kingspace.co.uk
She doesn't say what the date is for the live show on that bit.
She just says the live show and then she says the number and then she doesn't say...
I'm going to have a right go at her when I see her next.
She's a fucking idiot, isn't she?
I mean, alright, she's only ten. But I mean, she could fucking number and then she doesn't say. I'm going to have a right go at her when I see her next. She's a fucking idiot, isn't she? Yeah. I mean, alright, she's only ten.
But I mean, she could fucking
try and do it proper.
Yeah, give it a bloody good go, mate.
We'd give her 20 quid for that.
I know.
I mean, 20 quid was a bit much, wasn't it?
Well, it was a lot for a lay-in-out,
four minutes work.
Yeah, I thought afterwards,
that is a lot.
That's more than we get for doing jokes.
It's more than we get for this.
We don't get anything for this.
I know.
Why should some kid get 20 quid? Right, take it back off her. Right,
Darcy, if you're listening, can we have that 20 quid back, please? Unless you've spent
it already. I can't believe you had the fucking front to tuck it in the first place, you cheeky
little sod. Spent it already on wizzos and flashbangs. I don't know what your kids have.
Take that. Not messing around. And you didn't even say the date. You didn't say it's on
the 19th of December. Oh, mate, my pencil smells a bit weird.
Why?
Garlic lead.
I'll do the Peter K.
Don't you try and join them with him.
I'll do them now.
Right.
Right.
So don't you try and do them.
Okay.
Yeah?
Okay.
Remember that for next week.
All right.