The Peacock and Gamble Podcast - The Peacock and Gamble Podcast: Episode 27

Episode Date: July 28, 2019

"Episode 27" from archive.org was assembled into the "The Peacock and Gamble Podcast" podcast by Fourble. Episode 27 of 128.

Welcome to the Peacock and Gamble podcast. It's the Peacock and Gamble podcast. Hooray, very well enunciated. Thank you very much, I've been learning on it, I've been having lessons. Yeah, well who from? An old lady. An old lady who does speech therapy in her house. Yeah, I was going to say she's got to do it from her house.

Yeah, she does it from her own house. Yeah. And she comes, when I go to the door, she goes, Ooh, Ray Peacock, isn't it? And I say, yes. And she goes, have you not got Ed Campbell with you after podcast? And I go, no, he is in the house doing a cup of tea. And the lady goes, all right, then come in.

And I go, all right. And you sit in a big sort of wing-backed armchair. Yeah. And she goes, just get yourself relaxed. We'd like a drink.

And I go, I'll have coffee, please. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no. Can't have coffee for speaking proper. Glass of water. She says it like that.

Can't have coffee for speaking proper. Yeah. And she goes, you have a glass of water? And I go, all right, I'll have a glass of water. You should have just said,

do you want a glass of water? You should have said, do you want a drink? If there were certain drinks that couldn't help. And then you say, oh, can I have ice in it? Yeah. And she goes, you have a glass of water? I went, all right, I have a glass of water. He should have just said, do you want a glass of water? He should have said, do you want a drink? If there were certain drinks that couldn't help. And then you say, oh, can I have ice in it? Yeah. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It tightens up your throat.

I went, all right, I'll just have a fucking, I'll have a glass of warm water then. Right? And then she goes in the other room, right? And I sit there because I'm a bit nervous about it. Right. I'm having the speech session thing. Yeah.

And then she comes back in, right? Guess what? What? Completely naked. I was going to, I could have guessed it in, right, guess what? What? Completely naked. I could have guessed it was going that way. Right, she was completely naked.

And I went, Mrs. Bundingham, what, what, what are you doing? And she goes, she goes, oh,

I saw you're in Skins. And I went, what? She went, I did, I saw you in Skins and I'm Doctor Who and on some of the other programmes where you've been in and I've taken I did I saw you in Skins and I'm Doctor Who and on some of the other programmes

what you've been in and I've took in a fancy to you and she starts like walking slowly towards me and I have to make a decision right and I go go on then right

and she like she takes my trousers off right and she gets and I'm not messy she's about 90 or something right but she looks alright for me for her age she looks alright she's got she's about 90 or something. But she looks all right for her age.

She's got a very small body. Which makes her head look bigger. But when she's got clothes on, her head just looks normal size. Anyway, on she gets, right? And I'm thinking, oh, she won't have much in her. This will be all right. I'll go through the motions. I'll go through the motions for her yeah it might be the last time as long as you properly pronounce everything while you're doing it and I'm not

messing right she was like an outside labby door on a windy night honestly it was unbelievable she was a blur for most of it um so that's why I'm struggling to speak properly. But welcome to the show. That's no good as an intro. No, completely nonsensical. That was rubbish as an intro. I mean, no wonder we're slipping down the iTunes chart. Yeah. I mean, if somebody had heard that,

they'd never listened to it before, wouldn't even be listening to this bit now. No, but the thing is, right, even if people had been listening from the very first one, that still didn't make sense. Yeah, all the new listeners will be going, oh, it's obviously just for the regular listeners. It's not, right.

Our regular listeners won't get that. Yeah. Won't understand. And if you're a regular listener sitting there thinking, oh, it's just for Ed, that. It's just an in-joke. I don't get what it was about. Yeah, do you know what?

It made that little sense. I was saying it, right? I don't know what I was on about. I don't't know why i started i've been going for speech lessons and stuff with an old lady who had then had sex with me and i don't know why all my stories that i make up end up with the person in them having sex with me or taking their clothes off but i could see that coming though i think it's because i've got underformed testicles. That's what I think it is. I saw that on a programme recently. I can't remember where it was.

But I've got dead little balls, mate. I have them. They're dead little, right? Right. And then on the programme, they were saying that there is a thing about underformed testicles or something. Right.

Which make you vehemently sexual. Right. Which make you, like, sex mad. Okay. Right, and I think that's what has happened to me. You've got little... I mean, are you sure they're there? Are sure you haven't no they're definitely they've not slipped up or anything no no no they're there there are two of them all right right and they're

definitely there but i mean they are right right little how little are you talking oh pathetic peanut he's like i've got like two bits of grit in a walnut shell. So, I mean, that's just another discussion. Maybe it's just because you're such a modern man and everything is getting smaller these days, aren't they? I like to call them my eye testicles. They're made by Apple, ironically.

Because they're nowhere near. And they do do testicle implants. Yeah, they do. I don't think I'd like it. I don't want anyone cutting about around there. No, definitely not. I don't think I'd enjoy that. Yeah, but you could have them implants and then you could wear like a little bra on them.

Do you think anyone has got testicles so big? No, seriously. Do you think anyone has got testicles so big that they have to wear a testicle bra? Can you imagine that? There might be something wrong with them. They might have been banged in a football match or something. Or maybe they got your share. Yeah, maybe that could be it.

There is that disease, isn't there? Elephant titers. But then, I mean, they are too big for a testy bra. Get a special bra special made from Bravissimo. Bravissimo have got a side-raging testicle bra. Where if you're testable... Or people with elephantitis. Yeah, if you've got elephantitis at the nuts, right,

then you've got a Bravissimo bra on them. But have you seen people with... pictures of people with that? No. Don't they mention that in The Breakfast Club? The film The Breakfast Club? I don't think I've seen The Breakfast Club. What?

It's a wonderful film. John Hughes' film. I'll give it a watch. The late, great John Hughes. One of the characters in it says, have you ever seen a picture of a guy with elephant tights in the nuts? Pretty tasty. Right, okay.

That doesn't show it. Right. But I have seen a picture of it. Okay, I've not. Right. I'm not joking, right? They're massive. They sit on them.

Really? Like a beanbag. Like James, he's balling his office. Yeah, yeah. It is like, right? I should explain that. That's our manager. He doesn't have a chair.

Not his ball. Yeah, I know he doesn't sit on his ball. He doesn't have a chair. Not his ball. Oh no, he doesn't sit on his ball. He doesn't keep his ball in the office. Right, as far as we know, A, he has got two testicles. Right. And B, he doesn't sit on it anyway. Because in his office,

he has got a big ball that he sits on. I think he's got a bad back. It is like that. Basically, it is like these men have a space hopper attached, but with only one handle. Well, that's a good thing, though. Yeah, I suppose so. Because that's how you trade things off.

You go, okay, I've been dealt a bad blow. I've got elephantitis of the testicles. Yeah. On the good side, not got a bad back. On the good side, I can get everywhere in style. Yeah. On the good side, people notice me. Like a local celebrity. I'm in Ghana

or wherever I live. They never live in Woking, do they? Or if they do, they don't go out. I mean, I'd just be annoyed that your willy doesn't grow with it. Oh, when you get elephant titers? Yeah. Yeah, they get bigger and bigger. But the willy stays the same. Yeah, it just parks on the top. If anything, it accentuates having a little willy, doesn't it with it. Oh, when you get elephant titers? Yeah. Yeah, they get bigger and bigger. But the willy stays the same.

Yeah, it just parks on the top. If anything, it accentuates having a little willy, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. Or, I mean, having the willy, it just makes it clear how big the balls are. Yeah. I mean, I used a cot ring for a bit once, but I tied it underneath my balls. It was a tie-your-own one. Yeah.

Right? I think you've told me this before, weirdly. No, listen, not on the podcast, though, right? I tied it underneath, and that made them, like, maiden might swell up a bit and do a nice size then. Yeah. I stopped using that because I heard that the dangerous cot rings. What, they make it fall off? No, they can give you, well, yeah, they give you a priac, what is it called?

Priapism. Yeah, give you that. It means that your bonkons don't go away. Right, and I'll tell you what. Wicked! I'll tell you, since I used it, and this isn't even a joke, my bonkons last longer. Well. Sometimes even after I've finished,

if you know what I mean. See, and they also, right, you get them easier, don't you? Because we were in the car the other day, just parked up.

Just, I mean, it's odd enough to see two men parked up in a little car at night, in a car park. When you say this, yeah, this sounds like it's some sort of, it sounds like a sexy story.

Yeah, well, don't try and get out of it before I tell the story. Yeah, go on. You stretched and went, Ed, when you stretch, do you sometimes get a bonk on? Yeah. And I sort of went, not really. And you went, I've got one now. Yeah, I think there's something wrong with you. Because I think that men, right, when

you're proper overtired and you do a long stretch, stretch, right, and then I think that makes you get a bonk on. And maybe in the morning sometimes in bed but not in a car with your fat mate do you know what if you'd have been telling me that story about two other blokes

I'd have gone oh that bloke was making a move on you and I assure you nothing could be further from the truth but that's what

that bloke would say as well isn't it yes exactly but hearing it back now I understand why you did what you did that night and I was wrong

to slap you round the face because I was wrong to slap you round the face. Because I was sending out mixed messages. But anyway, you mustn't do that anyway, trying to do that in the car with me. I didn't. Because I should tell you what other people think of us.

What? Because I've had a report back. Last night, Russell Howard. Right. Last night, I did the warm-up for Frank Skinner's new show. Okay. At the BBC, okay? And then I went back to the green room, and Russell was in there, because Russell had just done Jonathan Ross. Right. Last night, I did the warm-up for Frank Skinner's new show. Okay. At the BBC, okay? And then I went back to the green room, and Russell was in there because Russell had just done Jonathan Ross. Okay.

Which was being filmed at the same time. Yeah. So Russell's in there with James, right? James is Russell's manager. I know I was. Yeah, but mainly Russell's. And Russell said to me, oh, God, did you hear about the thing? And I went, what? Because I did the warm-up on Russell's show. Yeah. And I went, what? And he said that a girl, Harriet, who works in the production staff at Russell House Good News. Yeah. Because you came to it the other night. I did the one-on-one with Russell show. Yeah. And I went, what? And he said that a girl, Harriet, who works in the production staff,

and I said, how's good news? Yeah. Because you came to it the other night. I did, yeah. You were recording to help me do some flyering. Yeah. Right? You were backstage and stuff in my dressing room and all the rest of it.

Yeah. And she said to Russell, with a serious face, I think it's lovely that Ray brought his son to see the show. That's not what I was expecting at all. And James was like going, did you not get the text? And I went, I've not been getting texts on my phone. Right. It's not what I was expecting. And James was like going, did you not get the text? And I went, I've not been getting texts on my phone.

It's not really working. I went, no, I didn't. And he went, I thought it was weird you didn't react to it. And I'm fucking furious. That's not, honestly, what I was expecting was,

oh, Ray brought his like, young boyfriend along or something. Not, I mean, Ray has brought his son. I would have expected it. Is Ray gay?

Is that his partner? Yeah. By the way, we run around holding hands and then disappearing in my dressing room for a bit. But, yeah, and Russell,

I mean, Russell thought it was hilarious. Yeah. And he was going, that's podcast gold right there, isn't it? So, yeah, Russell, it is podcast gold.

I'm giving it now. I'm fucking furious. I mean, it's bad on both of us, but worse on you. I don't look old enough to be your dad. I don't. No, you don't, mate. Fuck off. I don't.

You don't? No, you don't. Right. I'm not having this. And you don't look young enough to be my son. No, I don't. So it doesn't work either way? I can't believe that she thought I was your dad. Well, you'd have to... My mum would have had to have been very tall as well. Where would I have got the tall genes from?

Yeah, why didn't Harriet go, hey, hasn't Ray got a massive son? Considering he's only five foot six. Yeah, it would have made more sense if she'd gone, I don't think Ray's his real dad. Yeah, because Ray looks too young. And he looks like a big, overgrown, sort of disabled boy. What?

That's what you look like. I don't. Don't try and put this on me now. Dude, that's the other thing she was saying as well. Russ was having to say this. But what Harriet also said was, she went, is Ray's son disabled? And she meant like in the head. Right.

He's like the bloke out of Of Mice and Men. Don't try and start insulting me. He's just wandering around the production offices asking people to tell him about the rabbits. I can't believe that you're upset, so you're trying to put it onto me by saying that I'm disabled

when you're just annoyed that you look 50. I'm annoyed that God has cursed me with a disabled son. It's what I'm annoyed about. I don't know what I've done so wrong that God you would smite me with this beast. I'm going to come into the next week's recording

wearing shorts and holding a big lollipop. You should go with pictures of me and you. And your show's like, this way to me black pool. It made me get out of a ride halfway through it. I'm going to go before you get there and go, excuse me, don't tell anyone, but here's my mum.

Going with the pictures of two sons and saying, this is when my dad made me look up whoopie gold but scared. Fucking my son. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Last week we did part one of the Christmas special. This is part two of the Christmas special. Yeah, Merry Christmas. I know it's not been very Christmassy so far,

but we'll try and sort that out at some point. Yeah. Somebody sent in, I can't remember his name, what was the guy's name? David York. Yeah, oh, the picture. Sent in a picture of us

because last week we were on a sledge. We were, yeah. And he sent in a picture of us on a sledge with Andy Parsons asking for a lift. And I've got to say, right,

it is one of our favourite bits of fan art. It is my favourite picture ever. I mean, even better than the Mona Lisa. Yeah, I like it better than the one with the screaming man. I like it better than the tennis lady's bum. I like it better than Hylas and the nymphs.

All right. A bit of highbrow there. All right, poof. But we loved it. We really liked it, so thank you for that. And we want... We look very warm in it, we decided. Yeah,

it photoshopped very well. Yeah. Our heads went into our shoulders in a good way. Yeah. We thought it looked cold with the snow, but we looked warm and happy.

So we liked it. It was quite heartwarming. Yeah. But what we'd like you to do is could you send us some fan art? Yeah, as much fan art as you can get. Just any,

it could be any level of stuff. Matt Ebbs did a thing where he did Garlic Dead. Garlic Dead. He did the ransom note, didn't he? But he didn't put it on the fan page. No. He just put it on his own page. Yeah.

Idiot Ebbs. Yeah. Oh, Ebbs, you idiot. Ebbs, put it on the fan page. I actually sent you a message saying, will you put it on the fan page? And you just ignored it, Ebbs. So, Ebbs, sort it out.

Because we're going to show anything that's submitted to the fan page. Yeah. We're going to have on a big screen before the live show and in the interval of the live show as the audience walk in and stuff

we're going to project them all onto a big screen with a credit like heartbeat not heartbeat what? take heart I know what you meant

and we'll put them up so then if you're not coming to the live show then you can be part of it and if you are coming to the live show then you get to see your art on a big screen like that

so send that in please onto the Peacock and Gumball Podcast fan page on Facebook, and we'll put your art up on a biscuit. Nothing blue. As blue as you want. So yesterday I was at the BBC, and I got there too early, as I want to do. Yeah. Because I'm a very punctual man. I like to be there on time.

I like to be late. That's not punctual, getting there early. No, I mean, I am very pre-punctual. Yeah. And I am... You are desperate. Yeah. You are a kino, mate.

Yeah, part of the BBC got me in space. Yeah. And went over to Westfield, which is a big shopping centre just opposite the BBC. Yeah. Well, opposite the BBC car park I've been there I don't know I'm telling you I went there

just to kill a bit of time going to get myself a yo sushi and stuff nice one and as I was walking around Westfield real as my pants were falling down

like my underwear okay my boxer shorts but not the trousers at all weirdly no that is weird yeah they normally are falling down

yeah but the box shorts weren't there and they were like I mean the back of them had gone right under my bum. Right? And I pulled them up and then it kept falling out. I went, the fucking elastic's gone in these. Yeah. And I've got to do a warm up. Yeah. Oh mate, I need some new pants. Right, where

will I get them big enough? I remembered you saying, Debenhams for fat blokes. Yeah. Went into Debenhams, right? Big Debenhams there. Yeah. Only pants they had in my size. Right. Not messing. silk boxer shorts so you did you treat yourself got myself a pair of silk box nice i don't know whether i'd like them or not yeah i didn't get to put them on so much later when i was in my dressing room yeah all right they're not particularly comfy really okay a nice feel they felt luxurious oh they feel nice yeah but there's no stretch in them or anything like that right and you know you can't tuck them underneath your penis and testicles and that and make that little

pouch what I like. But anyway, the point of the matter was that's actually irrelevant to the story. You do like a pouch though, don't you? I love a pouch, mate. I know that one of your fantasies is that you're a kangaroo with a cock-shaped child.

Yes, you're right, Ed. One of my fantasies is being a kangaroo with a cock-shaped child. I know, I love it. Yes, you're right, Ed. One of my fantasies is being a kangaroo with a cock-shaped child. And there's a phrase I didn't think we'd do on the podcast today. So, I'm coming out of Daburnham's and I get accosted by a bloke

with a camera, with another bloke behind him who I presume was Gok Wan. Why did you presume it was Gok Wan? Because I know that he presents this programme that I want to tell you about. Oh, no. But I don't know, I don't think I'd know him to look at him.

Right, okay. And the man, the front man said, he went, hello, sir. I went, hello. He went, a day out shopping? I went, yeah.

And he went, just wondered would you be interested in coming to talk to us about being on How To Look Good Naked? And I looked looked I was fucking furious and I went

why and he looked at me and went just do you want to have a chat about it and I went right into their

camera looked right down the lens and went I look fucking brilliant naked and now I don't know why I felt the need to lie

they've got that on tape now as well they can use that they can't no they can't use it because they said they they laughed and went will i sign a release form right and i went no because by the way they've got to get you if you ever filmed for something on television that just in public they've got to get you to sign a release form yeah otherwise they can't show it well they can show it if they don't show your face can't they see they i think they can but I think if you make a point of saying you cannot show me at all... But what I'm saying is they might blur out your face

and send it to BBC News and they can use that on one of their things like Britain is getting too obese, you know, when they cut the heads off people and just have a big fat tummy in it. Yeah, look at his big fat body and he's got so fat his head has gone fuzzy. So I was asked to be on How To Look Good Naked yeah but maybe they were asking you

for be a teacher of it no I don't think they were I'm trying to make you feel better they had like this big castle they had like a bouncy castle right is what it looked like

but all like sectioned off so you couldn't see inside it right and they were taking people in it right I didn't I didn't see anyone come out of it and it honestly I watched for a bit yeah they were taking people in it. Right. I didn't see anyone come out of it.

Honestly, I watched for a bit. Yeah. They were taking people in. Yeah. Loads. I didn't see one

person come out of it. I think they were killing fat people. Do you think it was like Fat Hostel? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, totally. I think people

were paid to torture fat people in Westfield's shopping centre. Maybe people had paid to see a fat naked person on a bouncy castle. Yeah, and they got some bloke down there to pretend to be Got One

to bring them in. It was probably Dunne, he used to be the apprentice. Right, going, come on in here, come on in here. And also, I thought, what a cynical thing to do. Because I remembered you saying, Debenhams for fat blokes. For fat blokes, yeah. And they partied outside Debenhams. Wait for fat blokes. Yeah, like they go, I tell you where all Debenhams for fat blokes. For fat blokes, yeah. And they'd park it outside Debenhams. Wait for fat blokes.

Yeah. Like, they'd go, I'll tell you where all the fatties go. Debenhams. Any place that can get stuff to fit them. Let's park outside Debenhams and then get all the fat people in here and put blowtorch on their face.

Right, time for our regular, well, not so regular section anymore, complaint letters. It's still regular. Yeah, but we haven't really done a complaint letter for a while. I think in this entire season we've only twice not done one. But occasionally we stray from the concept a little bit. Well, that's allowed because it's our concept. Yeah, alright, but now I'm back on it. If we wanted one week, we could just go,

I'm not doing the letter this week, we're just going to sing properly. And we could do that, because it's our programme. Well, we could do, but not this week. We could do. Yeah, but I've got a letter this week. No, but we could just sing, I'm just saying, one week we could sing properly. Right, next week we will sing properly. I've got a question about singing.

Right, quite genuinely I've got a question. It relates back to something we spoke about a few weeks ago. Right. Which is Gary Glitter. Okay. Now, Gary Glitter, right, was, for those who can remember,

the leader of the gang. Yeah, he was, wasn't he? Yeah. Right? And he had a song about it. Yeah. Right? Come on, come on,

I'm the leader, the leader, the leader of the gang, I am. And then people would sing along with it. Yeah. And agree with it. Yeah. And when he'd done his concerts all his fans would go

leader! Acknowledging that he was the leader of the gang. Yeah. I think it's a fact and it's undisputed that Gary Glitter was the leader of the gang.

Then unfortunately he looked at pictures of little girls with the foofoos out and ruined it. Yeah. And the police come round and went come on you yeah in the jail yeah and he was going i am i'm the leader yeah and they're going well you're not and he was going well i am i'm gonna keep my leader wig on right which was a big

black wig yeah that he wore yeah even when he went to the court. He had his wig on. He kept his leader hat on. Right. Then he went away to jail, you know, because he'd been looking at the little ones. Yeah. And then he came out of the jail a bit later. Yeah. He'd done a bit of a cry in front of the press.

Yeah. Did he have his hat on? He still has his hat on that he wears. Yeah. He still has his leader hat. So he was still the leader just about. Yeah. Right? And he went, I want to get out of my life. I've done my time. He may have still been the leader of about yeah and he went I want to get out of my life

I've done my time he may have still been the leader of the gang but I think a lot of the gang left yeah alright alright that's fair enough

yeah so what so he was sort of the leader but he didn't look behind and check that there was not many people left behind

I mean there were still some in the gang because I think the problem is in a gang you can't really leave a gang I think you can

no you can't the rest of the gang will kill you right if you leave a gang I don't know if. No, the rest of the gang will kill you. Right. If you leave a gang. I don't know if you've ever watched any of Louis Farouk's

programmes. Right? So he's still just about the leader of the gang. Right. Then he went to Cambodia or somewhere

and according to the courts done the sex off of children. Right? Which he shouldn't have done. No, not he. Especially as he was

in a position of authority, remember? Yeah. The leader. Right? Now, I think at that point, when he went to jail for that, it was generally considered he is now not the leader of the gang. Right, because he didn't wear his hat.

He didn't have his hat on anymore. He just had a swimming cap on. And that is it now. No longer the leader of the gang. Thank you. Good night. Yeah. Right?

But the gang still exists, doesn't it? Yeah. So it's the gang. What I'm saying is... He's left a power vacuum. There is a vacancy for leader. Right. Which I'm thinking I might be. So you want to be the leader?

Ideally, yes. Right. What steps do you take now? Firstly, you have to find the hat. It's quite a traditional gang, so you will need the official garb of the leader. Right. It's a bit like the House of Commons. You will need the proper clothesb of the leader right you will need to it's a bit like the house of commons you you will need like the proper clothes for being a leader i often thought that gary glitter's

gang was a bit like it probably was so so i mean you're gonna i mean i'd imagine there'll be some sort of quest involved yeah where you have to go and find the atla and it'll probably be in a cave with lots of traps in between you and you and the I think you're wrong. You've sort of passed it off like an Indiana Jones film. Right. I think it is more a case of you've got to just say you are the leader. Has no one else cottoned on to this? Learning from

Mr Glitter's career path, which I'm going to follow up to a point. Right. I think that you've just got to keep saying, I'm the leader. I am the leader, right? And eventually people believe you. You start to believe it,

and then everyone else starts to believe it. Yeah, like the late and completely unconnected Michael Jackson used to say. Yeah. If you tell a lie long enough, people will start believing it. So, we're just going to start this off, right? I'll just do it very quickly now.

Right, okay. I'm the leader. I am the leader. i'm the leader i am the leader i'm the leader the leader of the gang i am right now let's see oh you've convinced me so that's one person i've got yeah yeah so if you want to be in my gang my gang my gang right just come on facebook and say i acknowledge that ray is the leader. And yes, please, I want to be in his gang, his gang, his gang, his gang. All right? If I can be the leader.

And now it's time for Ed's letters. All right, get there in the end, then. Yeah, yeah. All right, then, leader. Oh, God, I'm saying it already. Oh, yeah, exactly. Leader. Here is Ed's complaint letter

to get free stuff this week. Right. Dear Apple. Nice. My name is Mrs Fraser and I am a reverse man who has the opposite of a not-daughter who is called Fraser. That's fantastic. That was like a saw trap.

Yeah. A stupid name, I know, but we didn't think he'd live that long. I've missed Fraser dying. Anyway, let's get to the core of the issue. Oh. Yeah, here we go. You like this? And if you answer this letter, I promise I won't stalk you,

but only if you give me a slice of your profits. And don't worry, I won't let onto anyone what I seed. Saw. But if you don't answer me, I will tell my husband and his friends. My husband and his friends to reduce you to a pulp. They are all rabbis, so yes, they are juice. Anyway, what I want is a new iPod, mainly for my shit

Fraser. He is very ill off loads, so that means you have to send one, otherwise I will leave him in one of your shops. Let's see how trendy and swish they are now, with a little bald gollum in there, knocking over all the Macs with his stump drip. Oh fucking hell. Anyway, here is the actual complaint. We were getting Fraser his weekly food, brackets,

a butter sandwich, when my husband lost his iPhone. iPhone, hahaha, do you remember that? Yeah, garlic powder. It was too late before we discovered that it had dropped into the tiny bellend's butty. He had a big bite and shattered all his teeth. We can't afford the dentist and can't be bothered to take him, so we have had to replace these teeth with vampire teeth from Halloween. So now Fraser looks like he is from I Am Legend and no one will talk to him. Please send a 160 gig iPod

so he has something to do. Plus, we are going to put some tracks on there of me and his dad saying die to speed up the process. Piss in my mouth, Mrs Fraser.

Oh! P.S. and a MacBook for Ray. Oh, yes, please. Yeah, I do want a MacBook. Alright then. Quite a short one but I think we got to the point

quickly, didn't we? Yeah. I like that letter an awful lot. Thank you. I was thinking about MacBooks, remember the other day when we were at Russell Hall's Good News and I was speaking to one of the writers, Steve Williams? Yeah. And he was carrying a MacBook.

Yeah. And I went, I'm thinking of getting a MacBook. Yeah. And I think he goes, alright, do you hold that brilliant right? Yeah. I can't really do his voice. But he... Or go down the beach.

Yeah, yeah, he is Welsh though. And I went, why are they good? I don't understand why, about computers, why are they good? He went, oh, you know, they're just so stylish. Yeah. voice but yeah yeah he is Welsh though and I went I went why I went yeah but why are they good yeah I don't understand why about computers why are they good he

went oh you know they're just so stylish yeah they look great don't they yeah and I went yeah but are they good for like sound editing and stuff like because I

use it for the podcast and that I'm video editing that he went oh I don't really use it for that I use it for typing I went right so just they're good for typing on

yeah but I mean mainly they just they look so good don't they and I went alright bye Steve I're good for typing on yeah but I mean mainly they just they look so good don't they and I went alright bye Steve I don't think he knew why he liked it no

I think they might be hypnotising people it did seem like he had been hypnotised yeah yeah yeah and I now at the moment want an Apple Mac yeah

and have literally no idea why they release a gas I think I want one because I think it'll look good on the back of my motorbike you don't have a motorbike I don't care we'll get want one because I think it'll look good on the back of my motorbike.

You don't have a motorbike. I don't care, I'll get one now because I'm the leader. And I need a motorbike for the beginning of the song, remember? Yep. Come on! Peacock and Gamble podcast was devised and performed by Ray Peacock and Ed Gamble.

All music by the Tiger Lilies except for the last one, which is performed by Frank Sidebottom. The Peacock and Gamble podcast is a ready production hosted by Chortle.co.uk. Tickets to the Peacock and Gamble podcast live are available on 0207 520 1490 or kingspace.co.uk Hello. Hello, George. Hello, Barry. How you doing, mate? Alright, thank you.

Nice of you to ring me again this week. That's alright, mate. Sorry if the line's a bit bad. I'm on me holidays. Why are you on your holidays? I'm just on me holidays having in the sun. Okay. Where are you? Where are, oh where have you gone?

America. Okay cool. Alright, just sunbathing, got a big phone. Alright. Creating a character mate, go with it. Yeah it's good, it's good alright. I'm being George Lund perfectly I think. Yeah you are, like confused yeah.

Yeah like confused and not much to him. Yeah, um, hey, got an. I'm doing George Lamb perfectly, I think. Yeah, you are, like, confused, yeah. Yeah, like, confused and not much to him. Yeah. Hey, got an offer for you. Right. Right, you know you've done Young Butcher of the Year and Young Mechanic of the Year? Yeah, I do know that, Barry. Got another one for you, mate.

Well, look, before you say it, is it another Young something of the year? Pardon? I really don't want to do it. So you'll do it? I mean, yeah, I will do it. All right, well, here's... Because I want to be on the telly at any cost.

Yeah, right. Here's what it is then. What is it? Right, it is Young Hairdresser of the Year. Fucking hell, Barry. Right, so you do that. Have I had any other offers? Yep.

What? I'll let you know when you've done this one. I'll do it, but I'm not wearing my bow tie. Oh, all right. Well, if I do Young Hairdresser of the Year, I'll do it, but I'm going wearing my bow tie. Oh, all right. Well, if I do Younger Dress of the Year, I'll do it, but I'm going to wear like cut-off shorts, like sort of like quarter-length sort of trousers. Yeah.

And I'm going to wear a wide-neck shirt. Right, all right. Not my traditional bow tie. All right, I'll get that put into the contract then. All right. I'm also just... Sorry, Barry, just before, I'm also going to... I mean, I'm going to do it...

Oh, thank you I'm gonna what was that just a cocktail alright I'm gonna present it like literally like I'm sighing

all the time that's fine mate yeah okay alright we've got a few other offers here for you can you

don't you look after Jeff Leach as well probably yeah could you not get Jeff Leach to do them I thought that was a character oh no Jeff Leach as well? Probably. Yeah. Could you not get Jeff Leach to do them? I thought that was a character. No, Jeff Leach is a character.

Yeah, you're right. It's a character that Matt Berry's doing. Jeff Leach is, yeah. I mean, he's a... I'm glad that there is a Jeff Leach. Because otherwise I'd be the biggest cock in the world, wouldn't I? And, you know, with Jeff Leach as well. I mean, he is a proper dildo, isn't he? I'm not saying anything.

Why? Because you know him? No, yeah. But why do you know him? Why are you friends with someone? All right, by the way, I'll do that. I'll just put the phone down. Ed, why? No, bro, bro.

No, bro, bro. But, Ed, why are you friends with someone who's that big a fucking idiot? I've met him once. Yeah, I know. And is he an idiot? He's a bit of a wally. Yeah, so why are you friends with him? He's a fucking idiot.

He's a fucking... Right, don't worry about it. Hey, Geoff Leach, you've listened to this, right? I don't want to be friends with you no more. Hello? Hello. Who's there? Barry.

Yeah, Barry, you're right. Yeah, that was your fan, mate. Just had the next series of Young through. Yeah. Right, three episodes, right? First one, young prostitute of the year. George? George?

Right. Right. Geoff.